Episode 99: Cupcakes/Luna's Secret
Recommendation: The Next Ten Minutes
Kim: I need to not be wearing shoes. I don't know what they're… the shoes that I'm wearing feel oppressive. [Sequoia laughs] I need… I need my toes out. [laughs]
Sequoia: What if I just use that instead?
Kim: That’s good too! [Sequoia laughs some more]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It is a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast!
Sequoia: It is episode ninety nine of a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, what the fuck!?
Kim: You know, according to my rules from a couple episodes, that is a sex number!
Sequoia: Oh my god! [both laugh] We got a… we got a message on Twitter from a distressed… a distressed listener…
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: …who said that they picked their sports number to be ninety six just so that it specifically would NOT be a sex number [Kim laughs] and you really just ruined that for them. So…
Kim: Sorry, it is by definition… [gravelly voice] a sex numberrr.
Sequoia: By your definition.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Welcome to a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast where we talk about sex numbers [Kim snorts] and… [chuckles]
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: And some other stuff. But you know we also do, which I think is really fun?
Kim: What's that?
Sequoia: We go on other podcasts.
Kim: Every once in a while!
Sequoia: People let us come on their… their… their nice other podcasts…
Kim: Yeah, bud.
Sequoia: …and do some stupid shit!
Kim: I really wonder, like, I try my very little hardest to be on my best behavior when I go on other people's podcasts. [Sequoia laughs] I always wonder what vibe people who come to our podcasts from those other podcasts expect, and how distressed they are when they find out the terrible truth.
Sequoia: I don't know. Recently, and like a couple weeks ago, we were on Meddling Adults, which is Mike Schubert's other podcast that is just incredible. It's so good.
Kim: It is really, really, really good.
Sequoia: Really good. And we were battling against each other, solving mysteries from children's books, and…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …you DID point out when I said doodoo. [Kim snorts] And so I don't know… I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about, like, being on your best behavior on other people’s… don't look around like you don't know what's happening! [both laugh] You pointed out when I said doodoo…
Kim: I can't…
Sequoia: …and then they made a song out of it!
Kim: I can’t NOT, is the problem! Like, I am trying… actively trying to be on my best behavior. It’s just my best behavior’s not very good. [Sequoia laughs] The ceiling is… like, my head is in the ceiling of my behavior.
Sequoia: Oh no. Well, I mean, here's the point. The point is that you should all go listen to our episode of Meddling Adults because, actually, it was so incredibly fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: To record and do.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And we made up some fanfictiony lore for the town that Encyclopedia Brown lives in.
Kim: You were on fire.
Sequoia: Thank you, thank you. [laughs] I cannot be stopped. So go check that out, Meddling Adults, on anywhere pods are cast.
Kim: Hell yeah. And thanks to Mike for letting us come on his show.
Sequoia: On his shows. For doing everything he does for us.
Kim: He's just such a great guy. [both laugh] All right. Next announcement. This is episode ninety nine.
Sequoia: Ninety nine.
Kim: The sex number.
Sequoia: The sex number.
Kim: The next episode is one hundred. Not a sex number.
Sequoia: Yes. [snorts] That…
Kim: We have plans for the next episode.
Sequoia: Yeah, we have some plans. And one of those plans is to include all of the Fanatical Fam’s wonderful, beautiful voices here on the podcast. So the deadline to submit your story summaries is the twenty second. So as of the release of this episode, you have one more week to get in those story summaries.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: You’re gonna write a summary…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …in the style of our Patreon thanks that we do at the end of the episodes. No more than three hundred words. Then you're going to read it with your wonderful, beautiful voice into some type of a recording device. You can leave us a voicemail on our Google Voice, or you can record it and send it to us as an mp3 to fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: I realize I maybe terrified some of you with my story about Sequoia last time.
Sequoia: [laughs] I won't answer the phone.
Kim: Our email is open. To you.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: If you're scared. If you don't want us to respond to your email, that's fine. Just let us know you don't want… we will… we will not acknowledge you in any way, if that's what makes you the most comfortable.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. [sighs]
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: Are we ready? Are you ready?
Kim: My brain is, like, not remembering that it's my turn. I have my fanfiction pulled up in front of me, and it's… I'm still not computing that I'm gonna read to you today. I've, like, blacked out the last episode or something. I don’t know.
Sequoia: [laughs] Why would you black out that episode?
Kim: I don't know! That was a good episode. I really hope…
Sequoia: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Kim: I really hope the amount that we were actively flipping each other off that entire recording session came through.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I really hope you could feel that in the recording. Oh man!
Kim: Oh my goodness. Okay, I guess I'm reading. So let's do this thing.
Sequoia: This thing that is the podcast.
Kim: Yes. I'm going to give you your three clues, and you are going to make three predictions about what's going to happen in this fanfiction. You being Sequoia. And the listeners.
Sequoia: Right. Right.
Kim: And if you're the listeners, you're going to tweet them at us. You're going to answer our Instagram story. You're gonna post them in our patrons only Discord. You're gonna email them to us, you're gonna whisper them the void so Colin gets them.
Sequoia: You're gonna post them on Reddit.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: There's so many places that you could post them.
Kim: It’s a good list! Dang. [both laugh] But if you're Sequoia, you're gonna tell me. So here are your clues. Clue number one is the title: Cupcakes.
Sequoia: Excellent. That's nothing. [laughs]
Kim: Clue number two is the genre. Humor.
Sequoia: Great, that is also nothing.
Kim: Clue number three is the time period: post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Fuck you. [laughs] Great. I’m going on nothing here.
Kim: This is a listener submission also, so maybe that’s a clue.
Sequoia: I’m going on nothing here. Okay.
Kim: Is that a clue?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It’s not.
Sequoia: It's not. Prediction number one: in this fanfiction, a wizard will attempt to bake without magic.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Prediction number two: the cupcakes are a prank. They are filled with some type of a potion that does a prank thing.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Prediction number three: there are no cupcakes in this story. [Kim sputters] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Those are some ten outta ten predictions, my friend.
Sequoia: Woo, got’em!
Kim: All right, this is a listener submission. It was sent in to us by Jeanne. Thank you, Jeanne. But also an interesting fact about the story is it is an author that we have featured before on the podcast.
Sequoia: [gasps] Ohh.
Kim: I think by the end of it, I bet you'll be able to guess which author it is.
Sequoia: Okay, okay. Nice.
Kim: Which story they’ve written. So let's get into it. Cupcakes. It was just past three o'clock on a Wednesday, and the members of Voldemort's inner circle were standing in what had once been the dining room of Malfoy Manor.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Death Eater story, didn't see that one coming at all. [laughs]
Kim: No! Cupcakes, Death Eaters?
Sequoia: [laughs] Did…
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No. Nope, I don’t see it. I mean…
Kim: Not all coming together?
Sequoia: No. I would like a story where Voldemort bakes some cupcakes, though.
Kim: This isn’t that story.
Sequoia: Is he gonna bake some cupcakes? [whispering] Dang it.
Kim: The dining room had been converted into a throne room by Narcissa, not long after Lucius had been sent to Azkaban. Voldemort had been highly impressed [Sequoia laughs] and had immediately adopted it as his official headquarters.
Sequoia: Woww!
Kim: I think we could trust that Narcissa would have some very tasteful interior decorating done.
Sequoia: I think so as well. I think that, you know, she… when she married into the Malfoy family…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …and she walked into, like, this, like, gaudy, like, god awful mansion that was probably just, like, really excessively overdone. And she was like, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Kim: Mhm. I mean, she is a Black. So I think they're also pretty extra in their interior decorating. We have seen… we have seen how extra the Blacks are.
Sequoia: We have seen that, that's true. That's true. I think… I think the Malfoys are probably in more of a gold direction.
Kim: Right, okay.
Sequoia: And less of like a, like, a sad [Kim laughs] torturous direction, so I think she wanted to strike a really good balance between those two aesthetics, you know.
Kim: She's like, you can keep the fucking peacock [Sequoia guffaws] if you let ME handle the interior.
Sequoia: I do like… I do like this vision of Narcissa as an interior decorator.
Kim: Me too.
Sequoia: Voldemort calls her up and he's like, okay, I need a new throne room! And she's like, all right, what are we thinking? Are we thinking stark? Sad. Are we thinking something over the top?
Kim: Really menacing.
Sequoia: Do we want bones, skulls…?
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You know the throne room in the second to last Star Wars movie? What movie was that? The Last Jedi?
Sequoia: The second to last… oh, the second to last one that came out?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah, The Last Jedi?
Kim: The throne room in that?
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: That's a good throne room. [Sequoia laughs] That’s what I'm picturing.
Sequoia: Oh. Oh good. Oh, good. That was not what I was picturing.
Kim: Maybe green instead of red.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Green instead of red, I think. Obviously.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: For… for obvious reasons.
Sequoia: [laughs] But ten times more snakes. A hundred percent more snakes.
Kim: Oh, yeah, way more snakes. Meetings were held three times a week at two. [Sequoia snorts] That’s a weird detail. I like that. [both laugh] And…
Sequoia: Isn’t two o'clock… two o'clock feels like it's during the work day. I feel like that's probably a bad time. For meetings.
Kim: Yeah, it's kind of… that would interrupt my flow a lot.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like, if we’re gonna have, like, a semi weekly… a several times a week tag up meeting, I'd prefer it to be either in the morning before I get started…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …or in the afternoon when I'm, like, wrapping up.
Sequoia: Exactly. Especially for those Death Eaters that are, you know, undercover at the Ministry. Like where do they… where do they say they're going?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: They’re, like, leaving in the…
Kim: I gotta go to the shitter.
Sequoia: I gotta… exactly. For the next two hours. Bye! [both chuckle]
Kim: Yeah, just like a bunch of people who are pretending not to be Death Eaters have, like, their calendar blocked out every…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah! Like, I wonder what they're all doing at the same time on those days.
Kim: A meeting. I have a meeting.
Sequoia: I have a meeting.
Kim: These people in very separate departments…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Strategically placed, almost? Oh my god. The meetings were held three times a week at two, and usually involved a lot of ranting about Harry Potter…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …Muggles…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …killing…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …maiming…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …torturing, and bunnies, for some strange reason.
Sequoia: [laughs] [strained] Bunnies?
Kim: [groans] You gotta… you gotta…
Sequoia: When we started this podcast, I never would have thought that bunnies would become such a staple, you know?
Kim: I think it was a thing back then.
Sequoia: Bunnies?
Kim: Yeah, you got your plot bunnies, you got your happy bunny.
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: You've got whatever Anya’s deal was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Sequoia: Oh, right, with the bunnies. Mhm.
Kim: With the bunnies!
Sequoia: That’s true, with the bunnies.
Kim: It was a thing. It was a thing from the time period, I would say.
Sequoia: It was a thing. I… yeah, yeah. I see, I see. I see.
Kim: Draco was only half listening as Voldemort gave his usual spiel of [silly, high pitched voice, used for Voldemort throughout] “Muggles must die, Potter must die, [Sequoia laughs] Dumbledore is dead so we're all happy, etcetera, etcetera!”
Sequoia: Some Death Eaters brought a book to the meeting.
Kim: Doing other work for other stuff on the side.
Sequoia: Exactly. Because their workday has been…
Kim: Laptop open.
Sequoia: Yeah. Has been interrupted, yeah.
Kim: Doing other work, like, this meeting could have been an email.
Sequoia: Someone's doing sudoku in the corner.
Kim: [sighs] Just… Voldemort just needs a blog. [Sequoia laughs] And he can just blog post this stuff all day.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: We'll… we'll all read it. Send it out as a newsletter.
Sequoia: [laughing] Voldemort’s newsletter!
Kim: Into that. [both chuckle] It wasn't that he… Draco. …didn't agree with it all, of course.
Sequoia: Naturally.
Kim: But there were only so many times a man could listen intently to every word the Dark Lord was repeating without going insane!
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: It’s like, this is the same rant as before. It’s…
Sequoia: This is the same… he literally said this two days ago.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Verbatim. [chuckles]
Kim: Were you practicing a set for something, like…?
Sequoia: Yeah, the Death Eaters are like the… the test audience for his stand up routine.
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: You gotta see… you gotta see if the jokes land before you take it to the big time.
Kim: Exactly. [Sequoia chuckles] However, today was a little different. Today, all the Death Eaters were only listening with half an ear. None of them wanted their attention to waver from the seemingly lifeless form lying between them and their Lord's throne.
Sequoia: Oh, he’s got like a dead body? An almost dead body.
Kim: The unconscious man they daren't take their eyes from represented a turn in the tides of the war. A turn in their favor.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh no. Is it Harry Potter? What is happening?
Kim: We were all silly. We’re getting… now… now we’re real.
Sequoia: Now we’re…
Kim: We were like, silly vibes, silly vibes, silly vibe… shit’s real.
Sequoia: [laughs] [intense voice] Almost dead person.
Kim: A sleepy murmur from the man was enough to take all remaining attention from Voldemort as the wand of every Death Eater in the inner circle… what is Draco doing… never mind.
Sequoia: [laughs] As we've discussed before, the inner circle is fluid. [both chuckle]
Kim: Includes Draco. For whatever reason. Oh my god, sorry. The wand of every Death Eater in the inner circle was immediately poised for combat.
Sequoia: For this one person who's half dead?
Kim: Yeah, you can't… look, you can't underestimate him.
Sequoia: It's Harry Potter!
Kim: It’s… yeah.
Sequoia: Yay! He's here! But, like, oh, what?
Kim: Not doing so good. Not doing so good.
Sequoia: Oh, yikes.
Kim: Draco had the feeling that if the Dark Lord had been less restrained, he would have been rolling his eyes at his followers. They’re all like, oh fuck! [Sequoia laughs] Harry’s waking up! Harry knows…
Sequoia: Oh, shit, it’s a sixteen year old wizard that knows two spells!
Kim: Two spe… [both laugh] oh no! It was understandable exasperation. Hope and leader of the light he may have been, but Harry Potter was still a regular wizard.
Sequoia: Child. A child wizard.
Kim: Child wizard. Yeah.
Sequoia: Child wizard. [laughs]
Kim: There was no way he was waking from the sleeping curse that had been placed on him only an hour ago.
Sequoia: How long does the sleeping curse last? Jeez!
Kim: Extra long. Voldemort put it on him.
Sequoia: Eight hours?
Kim: Voldemort… yeah! A whole night’s sleep! [Sequoia chuckles] Through Voldemort’s entire set.
Sequoia: Yeah. Which is eight hours long.
Kim: [laughs] His meeting goes from two to ten. [both chuckle] Fuck!
Sequoia: Yaxley, why have you been gone for eight hours? [both laugh]
Kim: Every day? No, not every day, sorry. Monday, Wednesday, Fridays. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Some Death Eaters bring a pillow to the meeting.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah!
Sequoia: A sleeping bag.
Kim: Oh my goodness. I think it's likely that Harry's an adult in this, you know? Right? This is after book six. He's… he's probably an adult wizard, so maybe he's more capable than we thought.
Sequoia: [immediately] No.
Kim: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] ‘Kay. Well, fine. As Harry reluctantly opened his eyes and squinted at the people surrounding him, Draco was once again reminded that he hated to be proved wrong.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry did overcome this sleeping curse.
Kim: He did. He did.
Sequoia: Well…
Kim: Draco’s like, fucking fine, you are good at magic.
Both: Whateverrr!
Sequoia: [laughs] [tired voice] Oh, man, I was having a really bad dream that Voldemort put a sleeping curse on me.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Draco?
Kim: Why does it feel like I'm sleeping on the floor? [Sequoia laughs] Man, I’m uncomfortable. "Ah, Harry, so kind of you to join us." Voldemort was almost purring in satisfaction as he gazed down at his arch nemesis. Harry raised an eyebrow at him, but made no effort to stand up. "I felt that I had been depriving you all of my delightful company for far too long, so here I am to rectify that."
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Sassy Harry.
Sequoia: I don't think I could pull together that kind of sass, like, directly after waking up.
Kim: He's… Harry’s very talented. [Sequoia laughs] At sass.
Sequoia: I’m impressed.
Kim: I think… I kind of imagine him, like, kind of stretching and kind of stretching out, and propping his head up a little bit, and being like, hmm, yes.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Here I am.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I'm Harry Potter.
Sequoia: One hand on his hip, one hand under his head. Hello, I've arrived.
Kim: Exactly. Voldemort opened his mouth to respond with a doubtlessly witty retort, but froze when the door to the room opened.
Sequoia: [gasps] [whispering] Who is it?
Kim: Smiling serenely, Luna Lovegood sauntered in…
Sequoia: Yess!
Kim: …tray in hand.
Sequoia: Ye-heh-heh-heh-es! Luna!
Kim: [sing songy] She's here! She’s here to do something!
Sequoia: Something!
Kim: Some stuff!
Sequoia: No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. [chuckles]
Kim: Draco blinked as the rest of the Death Eaters, Voldemort, and even Harry stared in shock. [whiny drawl, used for Draco throughout] "Er, Luna." She turned to him and held out the tray. [soft, dreamy voice, used for Luna throughout] "You and your friends have been in here an awfully long time, Draco. I thought you might be hungry, so I made you all some snacks."
Sequoia: Wha? [laughs]
Kim: She got some orange slices.
Sequoia: Ugh, yes! Capri Suns. [laughs]
Kim: Little bags of pretzels. [both laugh] She’s got cut up bits of celery with peanut butter and raisins on them.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh my god, baby carrots. Ugh, yes. I can see it. I can see it now.
Kim: He looked down at the food items on display. "So I see. They're very… uh, appropriate, dear." [Sequoia laughs] Now this…
Sequoia: Dear?!
Kim: This is a weird ship, am I right? Am I right or am I right?
Sequoia: This is a weird ship.
Kim: Druna?
Sequoia: What's happening?
Kim: Druna!
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: It’s Druna!
Sequoia: [laughs] No!
Kim: What? No? Why not?!
Sequoia: I mean, I did write a Druna friendfic one time. That one time.
Kim: You did.
Sequoia: But here's the thing. In this context…
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: What's happening right now?
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: Very weird.
Kim: Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Did he, like, bring her to the meeting with him, and was like…
Kim: I don’t think… I think she's just like there, hanging out…
Sequoia: Honey, just wait outside?
Kim: Waiting for the meeting to be over, ‘cause they have some plans for the evening, or something.
Sequoia: Oh, right. They're gonna go see a movie…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …at ten pm.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: After the stand up routine is over. [Kim laughs] And she just got there early.
Kim: Yeah, so she thought she’d make some snacks. [Sequoia chuckles] Get a drink.
Sequoia: Make herself at home at the Malfoy Manor.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Go through their stuff, see what they've got.
Kim: Wouldn't you?
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, of course I would. [laughs]
Kim: Luna beamed up at him. "Aren't they just?" She turned that smile on the assembled group of Death Eaters and offered the tray to the nearest. "Would you like one?" As she walked towards the group, Draco snagged one from the tray to examine more thoroughly while he tried to forget exactly what was happening. [Sequoia laughs] I just gotta stare at this snack until everything goes away!
Sequoia: Until everything goes away! Until it's tomorrow. [both laugh] It’s gonna…
Kim: It was a cupcake. It was chocolate. It was iced in pink. And Luna, knowing the group she was catering for, had decided to decorate each one with a tiny green icing version of the Dark Mark.
Sequoia: Ohh! How long has she been there?
Kim: HOURS.
Sequoia: [laughs] I can imagine she's been there for a really long time.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: She decided that she was gonna make these cupcakes, and she went to the kitchens to see what they had. And they didn't really have all the ingredients, so she did have to go to the store.
Kim: Yeah, she did. They didn’t have
Sequoia: Definitely, to get some of these ingredients.
Kim: They didn’t have pink or green food coloring. Weird.
Sequoia: Exactly. Strange. Why? So she went to the store, got some ingredients, came back…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …baked all of these cupcakes…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …iced them…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …decorated them.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And in that span of time, Voldemort's like maybe one fourth into his stand up routine?
Kim: Yeah. No doubt. No doubt. No doubt. [both laugh] Yup. He shrugged and bit into it. Out of the corner of his eye, Draco noticed that Harry was taking the opportunity to sneak out, cupcake in hand…
Sequoia: [laughs] Luna, damn it!
Kim: …and he couldn't help but wonder if his wife…
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: …had left the door open and distracted Voldemort on purpose.
Sequoia: [whispering] His wife!
Kim: I think this is probably taking place a little bit farther into the future than just seventh year.
Sequoia: Yeah. This seems pretty far into the future, ‘cause his WIFE…
Kim: Maybe like five years into the war or something.
Sequoia: His WIFE.
Kim: You know. Sometimes you meet someone on the field of battle, and…
Sequoia: Your eyes lock, and you walk towards each other in slow motion…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …as spells zoom all around your heads.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then…
Kim: You make out.
Sequoia: You make out. Yeah.
Kim: And then get married.
Sequoia: Yeah! I know. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Sure.
Sequoia: Standard. [laughs]
Kim: Do you think Luna is distracting Voldemort on purpose? Maybe. We'll find out, I guess.
Sequoia: I don't think she is.
Kim: You think she just thought they needed some snacks.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think it's really just she was bored.
Kim: Either way, this would probably be the last day he served the Dark Lord. He would never live this down. Harry Potter had escaped their clutches once again, and it was the fault of his wife. He thinks, doing nothing to stop Harry from leaving.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Draco? Draco.
Both: Draco?
Kim: Do anything.
Sequoia: Here's the thing about it. You're never going to… this is your last day as a Death Eater, because this is your last day on the living mortal plane.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Voldemort would kill you. Both. Right?
Kim: Yeah, probably.
Sequoia: Like, oh!
Kim: But also, like, Draco, do anything.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah, yeah.
Kim: He’s just watching Harry leave like, aw, I’m gonna get…
Sequoia: Just say anything.
Kim: I’m gonna get in so much trouble.
Sequoia: Aw, fuck.
Kim: Bye Potter.
Sequoia: Come on. [both laugh] Listen, he's trying SO hard to forget what's happening as it happens.
Kim: Oh, right, he’s staring at the cupcake, trying to forget what's happening. [Sequoia laughs] Okay, all right, he's busy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He wondered if Harry would take pity on him and allow him to switch sides.
Sequoia: I mean, probably.
Kim: He would. He definitely would.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Gathering his courage, he looked up, finishing his cupcake as he did so. Harry was definitely gone [Sequoia laughs] but no one had noticed.
Sequoia: Because everyone's like, [cute voice] oh, my god! Look at the little Dark Mark on top of the cupc…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Oh, that's so cute! How would you do that?
Kim: Uh huh, uh huh. That is what's happening in here. Each and every one of the Death Eaters was holding a tiny cupcake. Most had even begun eating them. Draco swallowed convulsively and forced himself to look at Voldemort.
Sequoia: Uh, sir?
Kim: Uh, here’s the thing.
Sequoia: Excuse me, sir.
Kim: Sir? The scourge of the Wizarding World was holding a cupcake and eyeing it with amusement, ignoring the absence of the bane of his existence. And there was no way that the Dark Lord could have not noticed that Harry had vanished.
Sequoia: I don't know, those cupcakes are really fuckin’ cute, man.
Kim: They are.
Sequoia: And we all know Voldemort loves a good cupcake.
Kim: We do?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: We all…
Kim: I guess I would if I was subscribed to his newsletter.
Sequoia: Exactly. [laughs]
Kim: It’s also got, like, cupcake recipes.
Sequoia: Cupcake recipes. Cupcake of the month club. And… [both chuckle] yeah, it seems unlikely that he wouldn't have noticed that Harry left. But, you know, he just… he just wants the war to continue. Because if the war ends, then he'll be bored. Like, if Harry Potter's dead and he, you know, is the overlord of the whole world, then what does he have to do in his stand up routine? Like…
Kim: Yeah, that's true. He’d lose…
Sequoia: He'll have to come up with a whole new route.
Kim: Yeah! Yeah!
Sequoia: And he has been testing that out for…
Kim: For five years.
Sequoia: …five years now. [laughs] That's a lot of material to lose!
Kim: [strained] Yeah, for real. Oh, man, wow! Luna drifted back over to Draco and, after discarding her tray on a nearby table, wrapped her arms around his waist. "I think they’re enjoying them."
Sequoia: [snorts] Luna.
Kim: Luna.
Both: Luna, Luna.
Kim: Why are you married to Draco? What is happening?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: "Luna, did you happen to see where Potter went?" She gave him a tiny, secretive smile. "In the general direction of your Lord's private rooms, I believe."
Sequoia: What is happening? [Kim laughs] What is happening? What's going on?
Kim: Draco was silent for a long time, trying not to think about that. [Sequoia guffaws] "It explains a lot, don't you think?" his wife continued cheerfully. "Such as why Harry was caught by Avery while seemingly sneaking out of the Manor.”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: “And why Voldie hasn't been killing as many people as usual."
Sequoia: [strained noise] Auugh…
Kim: What up? What up? What up? Pew pew pew pew! [Sequoia laughs] What did I bring for us today, my friend?
Sequoia: Is this fuckin’ Tomarry?
Kim: This is Harrymort, I would say. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim snorts]
Sequoia: [strained groan] Ugh! Okay fine. He straight up let him leave.
Kim: Yeah. [mutters]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They were interrupted earlier in their whatever.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Kim: And so they are gonna go continue now.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: "True," Draco agreed weakly. "Oh, and it definitely explains why poor Severus was all shaken up last week after visiting with Voldie in his rooms." "Yeah?" [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, Draco said as he continued to try to forget everything that was happening to him [chuckling] in this moment.
Kim: "It's really quite sweet, actually. They make an adorable couple."
Sequoia: Oh my god, Luna!
Kim: Draco just sighed and tried to take no notice of the Dark Lord, who was attempting to slip off to his rooms without arousing suspicion.
Sequoia: [whispering] Wow.
Kim: Draco hadn't realised that the man was so incompetent at being covert.
Sequoia: [laughs] Maybe Draco would have realized, if he was listening any time Voldemort was talking.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or remembering anything that happened to him in his life.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or, you know… [Kim laughs] Luna‘s very observant though.
Kim: Yeah, that’s a character trait of hers.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. She's… she’s really putting it on her shoulders for the both of them. For the couple. [both laugh]
Kim: Luna leaned over, took a cupcake from the tray, and handed it to him. She then patted him sympathetically on the shoulder and glided back out the door with the same air of serenity she had entered with. The end.
Sequoia: Woww.
Kim: Do you wanna guess what story this author wrote that we featured before?
Sequoia: Um, Acceptance?
Kim: Yeah bud! [both laugh] This author is really good. I like their stuff a lot.
Sequoia: That's good, that’s good, that’s good, that’s good. I like it. Did the listener tell us that this was the same author as Acceptance, or did you look?
Kim: I recognized their profile picture.
Sequoia: Oh! Nice! Nice, nice, nice! [laughs]
Kim: So that didn't go quite as long as I expected it to, so let’s do another super shortie, yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah, let’s do it!
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I’m ready.
Kim: This one’s only two hundred words. I think we agreed at one point in time these shorties you’re gonna get less guesses on?
Sequoia: I think we just decided on one.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: One prediction.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool. So this one’s called Luna’s Secret.
Sequoia: Another Luna story! Nice.
Kim: It is another Luna. [Sequoia laughs] The genre is romance and mystery.
Sequoia: What? What kind of a mystery can you have in two hundred words?
Kim: A romantic one! [Sequoia laughs] And the time period is post Half Blood Prince also.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. [both laugh] Oh, what?
Kim: You want some more? This… this story is one of those that was written as just one long paragraph! I think two words in the entire thing are capitalized. This is gonna be… [both chucke] woo!
Sequoia: Okay, incredible. So I’m gonna say that this is a story about, um, Luna solving the mystery of who someone else is dating.
Kim: Mmm, that is often what Luna does. [pause] Nice try.
Sequoia: Thanks! [laughs]
Kim: Oh, we didn’t recap how your predictions went for the last story.
Sequoia: Oh, we didn’t.
Kim: You didn't get any points.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: The end. [Sequoia laughs] Now let’s do this one.
Sequoia: Goddammit, here we go!
Kim: This one’s called Luna’s Secret.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Luna Love… okay, they have “food” typed here, but I assume they meant Luna Lovegood. [Sequoia laughs] Luna Lovegood had…
Sequoia: Luna Lovefood!
Kim: Luna Lovegood… it seems like they just, like, typed this in one mad rush and didn’t read it and then hit post.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: I’m about it. They… they had to get this thought out into the world…
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: …and I’m glad they did. All right, sorry. Luna Lovegood had a secret lover. Nobody knew who he was.
Sequoia: Oh nooo! I’m wrong. Well, that’s fine, that's fine.
Kim: Secret lover.
Sequoia: A secret lover. [chuckles]
Kim: The mystery’s who is Luna’s secret lover. You're never gonna guess, ‘cause what the fuck?
Sequoia: It’s…
Kim: Luna liked to sing and hum because she was so in love.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: Isn’t that cute?
Sequoia: That's really cute.
Kim: Everybody wanted to know who her boyfriend was, but she wouldn't tell anyone. Sometimes people would see her sitting by the forest, seemingly talking to herself.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: People thought she was crazy, but they just couldn't see her lover!
Sequoia: Oh jeez. Is her lover a thestral?
Kim: I don’t know!
Sequoia: Also…
Kim: I dunno!
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: I don’t… what?
Sequoia: Jesus fucking Christ!
Kim: What?? [Sequoia laughs] What?!
Sequoia: Also! Also, I like that she’s… she’s Luna, and she’s going around doing some humming and doing some singing.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Did everyone just infer from that that she must be in love and have a boyfriend? Or was she humming and singing about how she’s in love and has a boyfriend? [laughs]
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: Because it seems like Luna just like, wandering around the castle being like… [sings dreamily]
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …is, like, probably normal regular?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And people wouldn’t automatically be like, wow, she must be in love!
Kim: Yeah, probably.
Sequoia: So she’s probably singing a little song, like, [singing] I love my secret lover! I love them so much!
Kim: This is a good song.
Sequoia: [singing] Doo do doo do, doo do doo do, my secret love affair! [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs] And then everyone's like, I wonder who it is!
Kim: Really, she's just composing a song. No, that’s not it.
Sequoia: No, she’s in love with a thestral. Okay, fine, continue.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Okay, fine, continue!
Kim: I dunno what you’re talking about?! Then, one day, Harry and Neville had detention with Hagrid, so they were going to his hut. And then they saw Luna and her boyfriend kissing!
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: They could see him!
Sequoia: They could see him! They could see the boyfriend.
Kim: But why could only Harry and Neville see…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: …Archibald, Luna’s boyfriend?
Sequoia: [squeals] His name is Archibald?!
Kim: Yeah, his name’s Archibald.
Sequoia: His name is Archibald.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: His name is Archibald.
Kim: Luna’s boyfriend, Archibald!
Sequoia: Archibald the thestral.
Kim: Because he was invisible to everybody else! [Sequoia laughs] He was a thestral!
Sequoia: Archibald! [laughs]
Kim: So silly.
Sequoia: [singing] My secret love affair with Archibald! Archibald!
Kim: Then Harry and Neville vowed to keep Luna's secret, because Neville had a crush on her. But he couldn't tell her, because she was in love with Archibald.
Sequoia: Archibald, her…
Kim: Although, they did spell it Archi-BLAD this time. [Sequoia cackles] Sorry.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Okay.
Kim: I'm about… this… this story is such huge, beautiful, crack energy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my goodness, I love it so much.
Kim: This author had a thought. They had to get it out.
Sequoia: They had to get it out.
Kim: And they just mushed on their keyboard until they were like… they were like, yep, that's it. That's the one. Post!
Sequoia: I mean, it’s…
Kim: I think we could all use some more of that energy in our lives.
Sequoia: Me too, me too.
Kim: Don’t hold yourself back with worrying, just post that nonsense.
Sequoia: Post that nonsense. I do think it’s really bro of them to keep…
Kim: Her secret.
Sequoia: …it on the DL…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …that she’s mackin’ on a thestral. Like, just right there, next to the woods or whatever. [both chuckle] Poor Neville, honestly. Like…
Kim: Yeah, he’s got a crush on her, but, like, he doesn't want to…
Sequoia: He lost out to like a death horse.
Kim: Did he, though? [Sequoia laughs] So Neville doesn’t want to tell anyone he’s in love with her because she's in love with Archiblad, and then Harry… But then Harry told him that if he really loved her he would tell her.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So then Luna said he could be part of their relationship.
Sequoia: OH MY GOD! Oh my god! Oh my god!
Kim: And Luna and Archi-blad and Neville…
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: …had a threesome. Of love.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: A threesome of love. I'm gonna… I’m gonna insert myself in here. [Sequoia guffaws] A threesome of love. And were all madly in love with each other. We’re not gonna… we’re not gonna imagine anything but like a wholesome…
Sequoia: Just like a big hug.
Kim: Group hug. Yep!
Sequoia: Group hug! [laughs] Wow, that was a twist! That was a twist!
Kim: The fact that it becomes a throuple really elevates it for me. That was what really… ‘cause otherwise I was like [makes indecisive noise]. But then, add in Neville and I was like, yep, this is… this is it. [Sequoia laughs] This is the good shit.
Sequoia: Oh my god, that’s incredible.
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: I also like that Harry gives him the advice to just tell her that you love her. If you really love her, you’ll just tell her. Where, like, Harry’s MO is just to be like, ugh, I like her and I’m sad about it. [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [sing song] Just gonna push all my feelings down, I’m Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Gonna push… push those down. I had originally marked this down as a quick fic, but I revisited it at some point and I was like, wait, for my quick fics segment I would just read it, so like…
Sequoia: Yeah, so you may as well just read it.
Kim: Just read it, yeah. Soo…
Sequoia: Oh, Archi-blad.
Kim: [singing] Archi-blad the thestral.
Sequoia: [singing] My secret love affair! [laughs] Gotta keep it a secret, ‘cause he’s a death horse, and I’m a real girl! [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid! All right, you didn't get your point.
Sequoia: I didn't get my point. But you know what? It was worth it, I think.
Kim: Was it?
Sequoia: I think that was totally worth it. Thank you.
Kim: Good, you’re welcome. Romance and mystery!
Sequoia: And mystery. There was a mystery, and there was romance.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: I’m really… I’m really proud. I’m really impressed with the author for getting those genres into two hundred words, when we oftentimes can't get those genres into the two thousand words of the…
Kim: Three thousand words. Yup.
Sequoia: Yeah, the first chapter.
Kim: This was a little less than two hundred words, actually.
Sequoia: Wow, wow. Impressive, impressive.
Kim: So they really… they really got to the fucking point!
Sequoia: [laughs] Group hug. [sighs] Well!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Are you ready to do a segment?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: This is the segment that doesn't have a segment opener.
Kim: Last time I did a B-52’s song as the intro, but…
Sequoia: Right. You can do that again.
Kim: I could. I dunno. Why don't you ever come up with the segment intros?
Sequoia: Welcome to a segment!
Kim: Hooray!
Sequoia: This is a segment! [laughs] This is a segment.
Kim: Look, Sequoia!
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Someone's knocking on the door! Who is it?
Sequoia: It's an original character! This original character was sent to us by our fantastic listener Ash. And this is actually two OCs.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They are twins.
Kim: Of course they are. Nice.
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! It is Mackenzie and Bella Lupin.
Kim: Ohhhh, are they Lupin’s…
Sequoia: Mackenzie and Bella Lupin.
Kim: …daughters?
Sequoia: They are Sirius’s daughters, but Lupin raised them.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: So Sirius’s daughters, but Sirius went to Azkaban and they were raised by Lupin.
Kim: Right, sure.
Sequoia: Is I’m assuming what’s happening here.
Kim: Awesome. And Lupin never talked about them because reasons.
Sequoia: Because… yeah, no, it’s fine.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: They were going to a foreign wizarding school, because… yeah.
Kim: Right, they were Lupin’s daughters who go to…
Sequoia: Who go to…
Kim: Live in Canada.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Sorry. Continue!
Sequoia: They were both born as animagi.
Kim: Hell yes! I don't think I’ve seen that power before.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That's cool.
Sequoia: They just popped out…
Kim: Right. As cats.
Sequoia: …being able to turn… no! No, but they do both have the same animagus form.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: Foxes.
Kim: Ohh.
Sequoia: They're a couple little… li’l foxes. And one of them is a Slytherin and one of them is a Ravenclaw.
Kim: M’kay.
Sequoia: Twins in different houses. They are part… they are secretly a part of the trio, so Harry, Ron, and Hermione are like the trio, and they are secretly helping them out.
Kim: They’re the underground trio.
Sequoia: The underground trio… members.
Kim: They have to keep it a secret because reasons, right?
Sequoia: Because reasons.
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: Well, Hermione can’t be the only one that is, like, actually making any plans or difference or doing anything, is this author’s…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …rationale here. Is that, like, Hermione can’t have done all of this by herself.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: She basically single handedly does all the work.
Kim: What are you talking about?
Sequoia: For the trio, so…
Kim: Harry did contribute… Ron is always… [Sequoia laughs] you know, and then… and then they, uh…
Sequoia: So the whole time, secretly, they’re being helped by Mackenzie and Bella.
Kim: Okay. Weird that Sirius’s daughter would be named Bella but continue.
Sequoia: Very strange. They also help Fred and George with pranks because they’re also cool.
Kim: Oh, of course they’re cool.
Sequoia: They're also really cool. Mackenzie falls in love with Fred.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mackenzie/Fred for life.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And Bella falls in love with Hermione.
Kim: Oooohh!
Sequoia: Which I like. That's good, that's good, that's good, that's good.
Kim: Wait, is Bella the Ravenclaw one?
Sequoia: Bella’s the Ravenclaw one.
Kim: M’kay.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So eventually those… the twins are the ones that stop Voldemort in their fourth year.
Kim: Which twins? There’s too many twins. I’m already confused.
Sequoia: Mackenzie and Bella.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Are the ones that defeat Voldemort.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: In their fourth year.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And this is what really does the elevation on this one for me.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. [takes a breath] They defeat him by sneaking up on him.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: In their animagus forms.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then just breaking his neck. [laughs]
Kim: [whispers] Foxes.
Sequoia: Just a couple of foxes…
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: …sneak up on him! And break his neck.
Kim: Every time Voldemort just, like, gets fucking killed? Always funny.
Sequoia: Always good.
Kim: Always funny.
Sequoia: Very good.
Kim: A plus. All right, so they fucking murder the shit out of Voldemort.
Sequoia: They fucking murdered Voldemort, and that is the end.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I assume they do go on to marry Fred and Hermione.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And, like, have a wonderful cute life.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And cute little fox children or whatever.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But yeah, that’s what we got from Ash. Thank you Ash, for sharing this with us.
Kim: That's good. Those are cute.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: The fanfiction I have for all of us today is called The Next Ten Minutes. And it is some deliciously angsty Drarry.
Sequoia: Yeeeeesssss! [both laugh] Give it to us!
Kim: They… they had to break up and now they are gonna try and get back together.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Kim: It’s too sad.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, yes. Thank you.
Kim: So. Highly recommend, it’s some classic Drarry bullshit.
Sequoia: [laughs] You can find the link to that story in this episode description. You can also find it on our website.
Kim: FanaticalFics.com. Also on our website is our story submission form.
Both: [gently] Pew pew pew pew!
Kim: The main story I featured today was a listener submission, so keep sending us that good good shit!
Sequoia: You can also find our merch on our website. On the website itself you've got Yes!! Glitter!!! Make sure to get your copies of Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: You also have a link to our TeePublic, where there’s all sorts of designs that come on all sorts of different things!
Kim: If you want to reach out to us, to tell us some thoughts of any sort… [Sequoia squeaks] we have social media. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. Usually we circle back to something and I was not having any thoughts just now so… [both laugh] tweet at us!
Sequoia: If you wanna…
Kim: Reach out to us on Instagram @FanaticalFics!
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. If you have any longer thoughts, your story summaries for our hundredth episode, an OC that you wrote once that you wanna talk to us about, you wanna get that off your chest, go ahead and email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: If you like this podcast and wanna help this podcast out, there are a few ways you can do that. Way number one, leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook. It helps us out a lot.
Sequoia: Way number two, trick everyone twenty twenty onnnnnnnnnnnneee!
Kim: Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Tell all your friends! Tell all of your friends about this podcast. Tell them it’s your favorite podcast featuring two people that read fanfictions under two thousand words long in the Harry Potter universe. [Kim wheezes] Tell them that. [both laugh]
Kim: Cool story, Sequoia! Another way you can help this podcast out is by supporting us on Patreon. We got all kinds of weird fun stuff on there. Join our Discord. Listen to our bonus episodes. As part of being a patron, at certain tiers after certain amounts of time, you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary or lately, just some fanfiction. [Sequoia laughs] What do you have for us today, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I have a story summary today.
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: After the war was won and Hogwarts was rebuilt, the students returned to school. The Ministry decided that the year they'd spent under the thumb of Voldemort’s henchmen was not a proper year of schooling, so everyone was held back one year. For some students, this was practically a death sentence. An extra year in school?! [sighs] They lamented how much it would delay their inevitable future professions as a Ministry worker or an ice cream scooper at Florean Fortescue’s. [Kim laughs] But other students basked in the opportunity to spend one more year in the castle. To escape the general bemoaning of the majority of the students, they formed a club. Club president Hermione Granger organized the study group sessions, while Susan Bones, club vice president, was in charge of the social events. As they approached their first social event of the year, it seemed Susan had accidentally planned the picnic on the same day as the Gryffindor versus Slytherin Quidditch game! All the club members decided to go to the game instead…
Kim: Aw.
Sequoia: …except for Hermione. What happens when Hermione and Susan are left to enjoy a romantic lakeside picnic, just the two of them?
Kim: Nice! That's a good pairing.
Sequoia: Thanks.
Kim: Right. I’m here to do something though, aren’t I?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Shoutout to Austin Vargo, Belinda Frater, Clare Davies, Isabel, Amy Midlane, Madja Zu, and Julia Nieder. Your support means so much to us. Thank you so, so much!
Sequoia: Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for our incredible theme song, Wolfstar.
Both: [wildly] Byeeee!