Episode 100: The Centennial Extravaganza
We could not possibly say this enough... thank you.
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jessica
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[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to fucking Find Them! The one hundredth episode!
Kim: [shouting] It’s the one hundredth episode! One hundreeeed!
Sequoia: One hundoooo!
All: Pew pew pew pewwww!
Colin: Biggest air horn sound ever!
Kim: Hey, you didn’t let Colin introduce himself. [laughs]
Colin: Nope. It’s fine.
Sequoia: Oh, we didn’t. We didn’t.
Colin: I was too busy doing my pump up… my… my pump up karate routine. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: This is already going [strained voice] great. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yeah, we did, we did listen to Eye of the Tiger before we started, to get pumped up.
Kim: We’re all a little punchy. [laughs]
Sequoia: We're all a little…
Colin: Everybody's a little… it's good we're not in the same room. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah, I think there'd be some… catch some hands.
Colin: Be flailing fists.
Sequoia: [laughing] Catch some hands. [everyone laughs] Welcome everyone, to our one hundredth episode. This is insane.
Kim: Yep! I cannot… I cannot believe we are here, doing this.
Colin: Congratulations guys. [Kim sighs and laughs]
Sequoia: Thanks Colin.
Colin: Yeah!
Sequoia: I mean, this is…
Kim: You're partly responsible. You helped.
Colin: Eh.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Colin: I helped. I was there. I was riding your… riding your little coat tails. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Tiny, tiny, coat tails. You know, I think we're gonna… we're probably gonna say this a lot this episode, but we're so happy to be here. And we are so happy that you listeners are here with us.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: We… we may be, you know, putting out our one hundredth episode. But you are…
Colin: You listen to our one hundredth episode!
Sequoia: [laughing] …listening to our one hundredth epis… yeah.
Kim: We should actually probably say, right here up at the top…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We've reached a hundred. We are doing something extremely different today from normal. We decided to be incredibly self indulgent and this is not following the normal format. So if you have picked this one as your first episode, not a good representation of the podcast!
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, don't… don't do that.
Colin: [smoothly] This one's for the fans.
Kim: This one is for ME.
Colin: Mm.
Kim: I did this for me! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, we're gonna be doing something very, very, different.
Kim: Should we just tell them? I think we can just tell them.
Colin: It's good to be honest.
Kim: So, like many projects that we've done on this podcast, what happened a few months ago was that Sequoia and I were, like, trying to brainstorm ideas for cool things we could do for the hundredth episode. And I had a really stupid idea. And then we did it.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: And it ended up being a ton of work that was really fun! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Sequoia and I wrote a fanfiction.
Sequoia: We wrote a fanfiction.
Kim: And we're going to read it to you all today.
Sequoia: But first, a couple of things. One: we have had you all sending us in summaries for the past couple of months, and we had such an overwhelmingly awesome response to that call to action that we are going to be putting some in this episode, and we are also going to be putting them in the episodes that come out after this, as well.
Colin: Ooh!
Kim: I'm really excited to share those. I can't believe the response we got. [snorts] Jesus.
Sequoia: Very, very, excited to do that. So there will be a few of those peppered throughout this… this episode.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And we… before we get into our fanfiction reading experience, we are going to…
Kim: We have to do a bullshit portion! Like, this is a bullshit portion.
Sequoia: We have to.
Kim: We're gonna do a second bullshit portion!
Colin: Yeah, the self indulgent bullshit portion’s now, right?
Kim: Yes! We are… look, we reached a hundred. We get to be stupid and self indulgent today.
Colin: You get to…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Colin: …give yourselves a little pat on the back.
Sequoia: [laughs] The whole episode is the self indulgent bullshit part. It's enti… the entire thing.
Kim: [singing] Thank you so much for coming today. Listen to our bullshit!
Colin: It's gonna be a nine hour episode. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] It’s like Lord of the Rings extended edition.
Kim: So before we get to the retrospective, we've got a couple more things to say.
Sequoia: Just some quick announcements. First off, we are gonna take some time off here, after our one hundredth episode [Kim laughs] that we put our blood sweat and tears into, and try to recuperate blood, sweat and tears! So next episode will be coming out April twenty sixth. Unless you are a patron. There is a livestream this month.
Kim: If that makes you very very sad, we have some good news. We are going to be elsewhere on other podcast feeds! For example, both of us are going to be on That's What I'm Tolkien About, talking about The Hobbit, today.
Sequoia: Today! Go look at it. Go listen to it, I mean. You can find just me, just Sequoia, on The Villain Was Right, talking about Paranormal Activity, on April eighth.
Kim: And if those aren't your flavor, you want us talking about Harry Potter fanfiction content, [Sequoia laughs] do we have news for you, baby?
Sequoia: Woo! Woo! Woo!
Kim: You can also hear us on Potterless, rhapsodizing about My Immortal, starting April fifth.
Sequoia: Starting April fifth and going for some time amount of episodes after that, that is heretofore yet undetermined! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: [snorts] Shit.
Sequoia: Because we can't shut the fuck up about it.
Kim: [yelling] I love it! All right, let's check out some of these cool summaries.
Listener Voice 1: [with one hundred percent vocal fry] “Harry, I don't know if you've heard that Cedric is dead, but I have an idea.” Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived in Gryffindor Tower, is quite surprised when he gets this note from his ex-girlfriend, Cho. But he's even more surprised to find her in front of his door mere moments later, babbling something about how the twenty seven knives thing did not quite work out, but she has an alternative plan to bring the spare golden boy back to life: love. But not just any kind of love. The purest, strongest, and most powerful love, that can only be created by a seekers’ pentagram. As the final match with death itself draws near, there's more at stake than just catching the snitch. This time it's all about catching the Hufflepuff heartthrob away from the realm of the dead. But will Draco's and Harry's marriage survive this adventure? Can Ginny be persuaded to miss her tryouts for the national team? Will Cho find Bulgarian bonbon Viktor Krum in time, who, rumors say, is now a celebrated interior designer in New York? Will the power of their combined Quidditch muscles suffice? And most importantly, will Cedric even feel the same way about them? Join our five sexy seekers in their Bludger-ridden battle of death and get ready. Brooms up!
Listener Voice 2: Every Valentine's day since the patient has arrived, Ward 49 of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries receives a delivery of a single black rose with a small note written in immaculate penmanship. This year, Miriam Strout, Healer by day and amateur detective by night, is determined to get to the bottom of the mystery once and for all. There's a lot she's unsure about. Just who is the mysterious stranger leaving flowers for her charge, Gilderoy Lockhart? Why do the black roses never wilt and never die? And why on earth would anyone refer to themselves in a note to their beloved as, “your Half Blood Prince?” Miriam has a lot of questions, but it's nothing she can't solve without a strong cup of tea, a good Celestina Warbeck record, and her own gumption.
Kim: Those were all excellent.
Colin: Oh man.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for sending them in. Now it's time to talk about our podcast and how much we like it.
Colin: [singing] Podcast retrospective! It's time for a look back on the ages. How long? How long? [Sequoia and Kim start laughing and continue throughout] A hundred years of Fanatical Fics podcast. [Miss America theme] There she is! The podcast you're listening to, podcast!
Sequoia: Oh, it’s still happening. Still happening.
Colin: [singing] Still the song, the retrospective! [Kim and Sequoia still laughing] Don’t you know? Remember that thing that happened? It’s podcast! Podcast!
Sequoia: Oh my god! Wow!
Colin: [singing] It's happening now, the retrospective. You see the laughs and the years and the tears and the crying, and also there’s lots of tears! [Kim and Sequoia still laughing]
Kim: I’m crying THIS second!
Colin: [singing] Mostly the…
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m crying now!
Kim: Colin!
Colin: [still singing] You come for this crazy fanfiction and stay for the cackling, it’s retrospective now!
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: [smooth announcer voice] Hi, I'm your host, Colin, and this is a look back on a hundred years of [Kim and Sequoia still laughing] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them, a podcast where two buddies, heh, well they really get into some scrapes, literarily speaking!
Kim: [breathing] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Colin: Well, I would like to, first off…
Kim: Mhm?
Colin: …thank you. Thank you, my two guests for coming to be with me on this podcast retrospective. And just thank you for your service, and thank you for your contributions to… [giggles] to… to… I'm breaking! I’m cracking. I'm starting to crack! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: He’s coming apart at the seams! [laughs]
Colin: Thank you. My human mask is slipping off of my face. [Sequoia laughs again]
Kim: Oh my god. Our outline’s a little looser than it has been of late, and… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I can't stop crying!
Colin: Okay, so we're gonna open it up to some questions, get inside the podcast a little bit.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [keeps laughing]
Colin: I still… I don't know who I am any more. The character’s come and I’m not Colin. I'm not me again. [Kim and Sequoia still laughing]
Sequoia: Oh no!
Colin: Colin is just an empty chain of signifiers. Okay, so… I guess… [everyone laughs] What did you two imagine would happen when you started this podcast? Not this, I'm guessing.
Sequoia: Yeah! God.
Kim: Fuck no!
Sequoia: [still laughing] The past, like, three minutes, Jesus Christ!
Kim: [still laughing] I’m having an out of body experience.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: How am I supposed to…? Okay, we have to like…
Sequoia: I'm wiping away the tears.
Kim: I'm gonna breathe and I'm gonna be able to continue on as if I know what's happening.
Colin: Okay, do you want me to…
Kim: No, this is excellent. This is all great audio content.
Sequoia: No, this is fine. This is all…
Colin: Back in my own body. Now I’m back in… the podcast spirit is leaving me, and I'm Colin again.
Kim: I mean we need radio host Colin. We need…
Colin: [singing] Radio host!
Kim: Oh no, that's… [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Damnit no, the singing’s back! No, okay, okay, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: So when we started this… this podcast, it began as a joke. And then…
Kim: Everything I think I've ever done began as a joke. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Right.
Kim: It's not out of the ordinary.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: I… I mentioned this at the top, I guess. I have a stupid idea, I guess, oftentimes. And then I'm like, Sequoia, listen to this stupid idea I have. And Sequoia's like, yeah, let's do that. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Uh huh. And I validate it.
Kim: And… why?
Sequoia: Here we are.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: And then here we are! [chuckles]
Kim: I know me personally… I thought we would record maybe about ten episodes, no one would listen, and it would kind of peter off. That's what I thought would happen.
Sequoia: I mean, we're all… we're all aware of, like, my just like inordinate Slytherin energy.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So, like, naturally, I thought that I would be catapulted into stardom, right? So… [everyone laughs] so naturally, that's where I'm at. That's where… no, I mean, I… I didn't think about it.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: Honestly. Like, I had no thoughts. I was just like, we're gonna make this podcast. It's gonna be fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I… in my brain, I think the only thing that was going on was, like, I think people will listen to this. I think we're funny. And I think that fanfiction is funny. And we will make this thing. And I kind of thought that it would be, like, not necessarily like a fandom experience?
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: It would live kind of outside of that category, which is not what has happened. [Kim laughs] In the beginning, we talked a lot about, like, making sure we…
Kim: Making it broad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And that we were like, if we brought up a character that maybe, you know, a person who's just seen the movies one time wouldn't know…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …then we had to, like, explain who that character was, because we were trying to like, be…
Kim: We abandoned that almost immediately.
Sequoia: Almost immediately. That was, like, what? Like two episodes in.
Kim: I think there were maybe, like, four episodes where we did stuff like that, and then it was gone.
Sequoia: Yeah, and then it’s gone.
Kim: I don't even know that… we didn't talk about it. We just stopped doing that.
Sequoia: Yeah. There… there was, like, a bit in the description of the podcast…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …that was like, you know, applicable to every level of Harry Potter fan! Which is just, it’s just patently false.
Kim: It’s not. It’s just not.
Sequoia: Yeah. So I think the only thing I thought would happen would be that we would be a lot like… that we were going out there to appeal to a large audience, and I did want it to pop off, because I am a Slytherin.
Kim: Sure. Yeah, I really didn't think anyone was ever gonna listen. I thought we… there would be no audience. I thought it'd be fun. I thought I’d get to hang out with Sequoia. And that was all I expected. [Sequoia and Colin chuckle] Every time we started, like, seeing listeners come in… like, the first, like, time we got a hundred listens in a day I was like, who? Is? This?! [all laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Colin: So segueing out of that question and into the next question, is there an episode you think has had the most impact on the podcast/the fanatical fam? And maybe I would editorialize a little. Do you think there was an episode that is sort of like the inciting incident for the hero's journey of Fanatical Fics?
Sequoia: As far as that's concerned, I think the most… the… the episode that's had the most impact on the podcast is Pocket Change.
Kim: Hmm. That is absolutely not what I expected you to say, but I think I… yeah, I guess I could see that.
Sequoia: Pocket Change gave us Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: It did.
Sequoia: Is my… my main sort of thought there.
Kim: That's true. That’s… I think that's way later than I would peg. I feel like we, like… the one I would guess for, like, us impact wise is when we, like, finally started to get our feet under us and figure out what this podcast was. And I would put that probably around episode ten or so.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: And I think… but I think for, like, impact on the fam, I think it's gotta be episode four, Precious, which has [Sequoia laughs] altered our listeners' poor lives by scarring them emotionally… [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: …across the board. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah, that's totally true. I definitely… and I think that it has, in a way, helped shape the… the… the fanatical fam. Where, like, if you made it past episode four, you're here now.
Colin: You're fully indoctrinated. I always showed people The Veela’s Nest early on. I was like, you have to listen to this.
Kim: You know, I have a lot of fondness for those early episodes when we sound quiet and scared and confused. [Sequoia laughs] I think they contributed a lot towards us figuring out how to have a podcast.
Sequoia: That story… like, you… Kim, you did the most excellent job finding a story right off the bat…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …that encapsulated everything that we had in our brains… [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …about what the podcast was going to be.
Kim: That episode search was one of the most difficult story searches I've ever done. Like, after we started getting our feet under us, it got easier for me to figure out like oh, yeah, this… this story totally makes sense.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But that first episode, I was like, shot in the dark. And I got really lucky, I think, at finding the perfect story.
Colin: Interesting. So what do you think your most memorable episode is?
Kim: I think it is Precious.
Sequoia: Precious. Yeah. I agree.
Colin: Okay, nice, nice.
Kim: Or Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt…
Sequoia: Ooh!
Kim: …I think also stands out for a lot of people.
Colin: Ooh! That is a good one. That's more recent.
Kim: [laughing] It's actually not that recent either!
Colin: Oh, is it?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: When did we do that? That was a million years ago.
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: Let’s see.
Kim: That boy came out in 2018!
Sequoia: 2018! [laughs]
Colin: Oh no. Man! The time… time compression and time dilation has really got me.
Kim: Woo!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: What would you say your most underrated episode is?
Kim: I think for me, Sequoia…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …it's Dead? Which I think is still the only vampire story we've ever done.
Sequoia: It is. It is, and the funny thing about that one is that's where the burnt cinnamon toast thing comes from.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah and… and we’ve carried that pretty far in the podcast.
Kim: We are so bad about carrying through references to episodes that no one remembers.
Sequoia: I think probably for me, I'm gonna go a little bit more recent than that.
Kim: Mkay.
Sequoia: And I'm gonna go with the Beauty of Love.
Kim: [snorts] Fuck, that's a good one.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was a listener story. And, man, did that listener just fucking nail it.
Sequoia: That one is so, so, like… the pairing is bonkers…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …the time period is bonkers.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Everything that happens in it is just, like, there's… no… nothing happens in that story…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …that is believable in any any sense of the word.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: It's off the wall. And I think that we had a lot of good moments as far as like, our… our takes on it.
Kim: Oh, we were really funny in it! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I think we were really funny in it. And I think that that episode is maybe my… yeah, I'm gonna go with that one.
Colin: Nice.
Kim: Hey, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What's your favorite Colin episode?
Sequoia: Woo! This is a hard one. I think…
Kim: This is a hard one! Colin is just so good in every episode.
Colin: Stop it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Every time we have him on.
Sequoia: Yeah. I…
Colin: It's this one. This one is the best one. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: I mean, this is the one with the longest Colin song.
Sequoia: That's true. [laughs]
Kim: Depending on how much that made it in.
Sequoia: That whole thing’s going in there, baby!
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: I think I am really torn between Colin’s first episode with us, which was Rise of the Phoenix Lord.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: That was just a great… that would have been a great episode without me.
Sequoia: I mean.
Colin: It was just such a great story.
Kim: It was a pretty special story also, yeah.
Sequoia: It was a good story. And then the Christmas episode with Christmas Milk? Because that one is where Colin would not stop singing songs. There's like a whole chunk of the playlist that’s just like…
Kim: Of Christmas songs?
Sequoia: Colin was like, The Boys Are Back in Town!
Kim: [laughing] Oh, yeah!
Sequoia: The Eye of the Tiger! Just, like, chunks right there in the middle of the playlist. So, I mean, I think I have to go with that one. I think I have to get that one.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Colin: Nice. Nice. Nice.
Kim: I mean, I remember when we first started, and we were talking about which of our dumb friends we needed to have on the podcast. [Sequoia laughs] Like Colin was always…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …the top of the list. Number one. We both knew he's the funniest person we know.
Colin: Eugh! Eugh.
Sequoia: [singing] You're the best around! Another song that Colin sang on that Christmas episode. [laughing]
Colin: [singing] Around! I was on fire!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I know our listeners like Colin more than they like us.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And I'm always excited to get to share Colin with people.
Colin: [chuckles] Thank you.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, it is good.
Colin: I don't know about that first part, but I'm happy to be shared like, like so many canapes.
Sequoia: What the fuck? [laughs]
Colin: Yeah, it's been so great. I love being on this show so much, and it's just so much fun. Yeah! So thanks. Thanks for having me and thanks, listeners, for putting up with me and thinking that I’m funny. It's nice. It's… yeah, it's just really nice. I don't have anything funny to say. [Sequoia laughs] It's been really fun and really great and I just like talking to you guys. And I like being on this show. It's a hoot. I hope we can do it for a hundred more years.
Kim: Hell yeah. [all chuckle]
Colin: So back to interview Colin.
Kim: Oh!
Colin: Pick your favorite Draco. Don't overthink it. Pick your favorite Draco.
Sequoia: [laughs] I… honestly? I'm gonna go back and say veela Draco from The Veela’s Nest.
Kim: Veela Draco?
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
Kim: Oh shit. I think I'm gonna go in a different direction and say I think one of my favorite characterizations of Draco where I feel like they kind of just like fucking nailed it, and I love it, is Month of the Twenty-Seven Knives.
Sequoia: Oh! [gritting teeth] Yes!
Kim: I think that's a really good Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: All right. Pick your favorite sword wielding Harry.
Kim: For me, it's gotta be Sinful.
Sequoia: Mm.
Kim: I think he has the most, like, concrete characterization and visualization and…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: I mean, he's helped a little bit by the strength of having an entire superhero, like, backing squad?
Sequoia: Right. Right. He's part of a team.
Kim: But I think that Harry is very… something. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: I think I'm gonna have to go with Brian the Obvious Murderer.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Ooh! Throwback.
Colin: That was really, really fun.
Kim: Yeah, that was our first sword Harry and he was a pretty great sword Harry.
Colin: Shing shing!
Sequoia: He was…
Kim: He was…
Sequoia: Yeah! He was such a good sword Harry that we got shing shing! out of it. And that catapulted us to a place where we were like, you know what's fuckin’ great? Sword Harry. [Colin and Kim laugh] Why does he have a sword? I don't know, it's fucking great.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Colin: All right, and what's your favorite weird tiny joke from an episode?
Sequoia: I… okay. I inserted this question into the question box, because I just needed to have a forum…
Kim: Mhm?
Sequoia: …in this… in this retrospective…
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: …where I could talk about carrot times!
Kim: [laughing] Oh fuck! Oh fuck! That was one of the stupidest… oh my god, I had completely forgotten about that.
Sequoia: That is one of my very favorite things we've ever done. That was so fucking stupid. And I… [laughs]
Kim: Oh my…
Sequoia: And people actually sent us in their carrot times!
Kim: Yeah, we haven't got…
Sequoia: They ate a carrot and they sent in their carrot times.
Kim: We haven't gotten one in a long time, and it does actually… now that I remember that that was the thing we demanded once, that makes me sad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That I don't know how fast it takes you to eat a carrot.
Sequoia: To eat a carrot. [all chuckle]
Colin: That's very…
Kim: I don't have an answer for this. I don't have any memories. I don't know, man. [laughs]
Sequoia: It's fine. It was… this question was only here…
Colin: Just for you.
Sequoia: …for me to talk about carrot times!
Kim: Look, okay, listener, if you have not sent in a carrot time and you're comfortable eating a carrot and timing yourself…
Sequoia: You have to measure the carrot first, too. You have to measure the carrot, and then you have to time yourself eating the carrot.
Colin: Right.
Kim: Please send us in more carrot times. [laughs]
Sequoia: We need the data!
Kim: Stupid.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: That's from Pocket Change, isn't it?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Rare pair. What's your favorite rare pair? The choicest? The rarest? The pairest?
Kim: I think, picking from our podcast, mine is probably Greg/Myrtle.
Sequoia: Ah, I was gonna say that. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, that's a really good, weird one!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yep. A hundred percent agreed.
Kim: It’s gotta be. It’s gotta be it.
Sequoia: It's gotta be. It’s gotta be.
Kim: Easy peasy. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Nice. Now for the technical awards. What's your favorite squid story?
Sequoia: I'm gonna go with The Tentacle Tango.
Kim: I think it's the story that First Encounter was based on…
Sequoia: Ugh, yes.
Kim: …that was sent to me by the listener that found it in the Internet Archive. I think that that has a kind of precedent in my mind as maybe one of the inciting notorious pieces of fanfiction history.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely a piece of history. I think I actually have to change mine to the one… I can't remember the title, but it's the one… the Snape/squid where they call each other Adam, and…
Kim: Is that One Fine Morning?
Sequoia: One Fine Morning.
Colin: [sighs] That was so good.
Sequoia: Yeah, I do. I did. That is my answer. [chuckles]
Colin: So good. And finally, what is the most unexpected thing that has resulted from this podcast?
Sequoia: The fanatical fam. The…
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's you, listeners.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's the community.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: I just didn't… I don't know that there's a way that we could have foreseen it.
Kim: No. No way.
Sequoia: Yeah. But not in my, like, wildest Slytherin dreams did I ever see, like, a group of people that were, like, becoming friends with each other?
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Because they both like our podcast, you know?
Kim: Yeah. It's… it's all of you, are the most surprising part. I didn't expect you to be here. [Sequoia laughs] And I didn't expect you to be so great. And so nice.
Sequoia: Yes, yes. Yeah.
Kim: So, yeah, thank you. And I hope you like this weird thing.
Sequoia: Mhm. [laughs]
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: You want one more sappy thing? How ‘bout this? I never could have foreseen this last year. And getting to see you on a regular basis, and laugh with you.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s unexpected. And I appreciate it.
Sequoia: Me too. That was really nice. So now we have to do something else! [laughs]
Colin: That is a great… that is a great place to end it. The real podcast was the friends we made along the way. Yep.
Sequoia: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Kim: Let's do some more listener summaries!
Colin: [singing] Listener summaries! Retrospective. This is the end…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: [singing] We’re at the end. The retro retrospective, we're looking back on all the things, all the questions.
Kim: How?
Colin: [sings higher] Remember when I asked a question and they answered…
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: I didn't expect him to go up! [laughs]
Colin: Remember [sings even higher] when I was singing and the bit is played out! [Sequoia laughs, Kim claps]
Listener Voice 3: After inadvertently insulting the new Minister of Magic, Percy Weasley is reassigned to the Department for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Beast division, Cornish regional office. He and his only co-worker, Luna Lovegood, are investigating a series of giant squid attacks against various coastal states, when they come across the underwater ruins of an ancient city. Using an article of the Quibbler as her guide, Luna identifies the ruins as the lost city of Atlantis. Percy is skeptical, but finding several artifacts depicting horrific man-squid hybrids convinces him to allow her to continue spelunking the ruins. After several expeditions, Percy notices that Luna has started to change, physically. Her eyes have turned orange yellow, and he catches a glimpse of a lizard tail peeking out from under her robes. He finally musters the courage to confront her about it, only to be knocked unconscious, and dragged far deeper into the ruins than they've ever ventured before. He wakes, bound to an altar. Luna discards her robes to reveal an incongruously chimeric body of tentacles and teeth. Gore leaks from the open seams of her mutilated flesh. As she begins reciting a prayer to Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu, Percy's already fragile mind loses all coherence. Finally, Luna returns home in her new form for a nice Christmas with Xenophilius.
Listener Voice 4: Stella considers herself to be a very average girl. Every day she does what she needs to do, goes to Quidditch practice, gossips with her friends, and just chills. That is, until an interesting young man steps into her life and turns her whole world upside down. Even though he’s flirting with just about everyone around her, Stella is hopelessly in love with the charming Gryffindor, hoping one day he might choose her. And then that day comes. He takes her out, out on the Hogwarts grounds, and you won't believe what happens next! Stick around for the adventures of Cormac McLaggen and Stella, the Cleansweep Seven.
Kim: All right, and now it’s time for a story called…
Colin: Story time podcast theater!
Kim: [laughs] This is called No Title Yet, it was written way post Deathly Hallows [Sequoia laughs] and the genre is humor… romance…
Sequoia: Humor/friendship.
Kim: And friendship. [sputters]
Sequoia: Slash family. Yep. Put 'em in there. [all laugh]
Kim: Let’s do this.
Colin: All right, let's begin.
[instrumental music]
Colin: A dramatically heavy sigh reverberated off the polished metal of trophies from bygone eras.
Kim: “If you do that one more time, I’m going to curse your mouth shut.”
Sequoia: [dramatic voice] “You’ll do no such thing! This is all your fault anyway.”
Kim: “Ugh, Blaise, I’m done arguing about whose fault this is. If you could stop sighing and do any work, we could get out of here before dawn.”
Colin: Blaise grumbled in response but also picked their polishing cloth back up from the floor. They began to vigorously attack the face of a trophy depicting a wizard in flight.
Sequoia: “I know you’re just mad because you think I’ve ruined your spotless disciplinary record, Smith. But I had the situation well in hand, I didn’t need your help, and I…”
Colin: Their voice faltered as they picked up another statue. Zacharias looked up to see Blaise staring, wide eyed, at a plaque.
Sequoia: “Hogwarts…”
Colin: Their eyes closed slowly and they breathed deeply as if to savor the words they were about to speak.
Sequoia: “Drama… Club.”
Kim: “Wuh?”
Colin: Blaise turned the plaque around. At the top, the words “Hogwarts Drama Club Members - 1845” were inscribed.
Kim: “Uhhhh…. wuh?”
Colin: Blaise heard the distinct lack of inspiration, excitement, or reverence in Zach’s voice. Their eyes snapped open and they fixed him with the imperious glare they had learned from their mother, the reigning Queen of Imperiousness.
Sequoia: “Hogwarts used to have a Drama Club.”
Kim: “So? Hogwarts used to have all kinds of weird clubs. I’ve got a plaque for Biggest Flobberworm 1678 over here from the Flobberworm Appreciation and Ranching Trust.”
Colin: Blaise had chosen to never hear sentences that included the word “flobberworm” and continued on as if uninterrupted.
Sequoia: “Hogwarts needs to have a Drama Club again. And I’m going to start it. As a service to everyone.”
Colin: Zach’s expression turned pensive.
Kim: “The arts funding here is really quite appalling. Especially considering the size of the school’s endowment. Oh, don’t make that face, your family is rich, you know what endowments are. Honestly? I think it’s a great idea. Let’s do it.”
Sequoia: “L-let’s?”
Kim: “Yeah, bud. You’re going to need members, and Quidditch is canceled this year for whatever reason.”
Sequoia: “Well. All right then. I’m happy to have you.”
[instrumental music]
Kim: “Scoot over a bit, I need room to sit.”
Colin: Zach said as he shouldered his way into a seat next to Blaise at the Slytherin table. This got a raised eyebrow or two from the other students, but no comments. They were mostly used to the sight of the two friends together, and if Blaise wanted to continue wasting their capital on letting a Hufflepuff touch the Slytherin table, the Slytherins certainly weren’t going to stop them.
Kim: “So I’ve been looking through the regulations on clubs and we’ve got quite a bit we need to do, but we haven’t missed the deadline yet.”
Colin: Zach said briskly. Blaise swallowed the bite of omelette they had been chewing.
Sequoia: “Excellent. What have you found?”
Kim: “The deadline to register as a new club for this semester is the end of the month. There are a few requirements, though. If we want access to school funding, we’re going to need to have a decent number of members.”
Sequoia: “That won’t be a problem. Everyone is going to want to join my club.”
Kim: “Uh huh. There’s some paperwork we’ll have to fill out. We’ll need approval from the Deputy Headmistress.”
Sequoia: “McGonagall’s a bit of a jock, but I can’t imagine she’ll try to stop us.”
Kim: “And we’ll need a professor to sign on to be our advisor.”
Sequoia: “Uhhh.”
Colin: Blaise’s blasé attitude faltered a little.
Sequoia: “Well, how hard can that be? You’re a teacher’s pet, goody two shoes type and adults think I’m incredibly charming. We’ll have someone by the end of the day, I’m sure.”
[instrumental music]
Kim: “I know that you’re a great lover of the arts, Professor Flitwick, so I wanted to ask you about it first. Will you be the Drama Club advisor?”
Sequoia: [high voice] “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith. I’m far too busy as it is, what with the Charms Club and the Choir Club and the Charmed Chain Mail Choir Club. But I think this is a most excellent idea! I wish you all the luck! Now hurry on to your next class.”
Colin: The professor shooed Zach out of the classroom.
Sequoia: “Well?”
Colin: Zach jumped a little. He hadn’t expected to find Blaise lurking outside of his class.
Kim: “No luck.”
Sequoia: “Well, we didn’t want him anyway. I don’t want his musical sensibilities holding us back.”
Colin: Blaise said disdainfully.
Kim: “Uh huh. Good luck in your next class.”
Colin: Blaise waved dismissively back at him as they strutted off.
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: “Oh, let me help with that, Professor!”
Colin: Blaise said, reaching for a pile of unused mustard seeds.
Kim: [deep nasal voice] “What do you want, Mx. Zabini?”
Colin: Professor Snape said, ignoring Blaise’s offer of help and cleaning up with a wave of his wand.
Sequoia: “W-want, Professor? I…”
Colin: Blaise took a deep breath, not allowing themself to become flustered.
Sequoia: “I’m reinstituting the Hogwarts Drama Club and I need a club advisor. So I thought who better than the professor with the best flair for the dramatic?”
Colin: They swept their robes out with a flourish, attempting to evoke Snape’s constant billowing.
Kim: “Absolutely not. I will not spend any more time with you miscreant students than I am contractually obligated to. Get out.”
[instrumental music]
Colin: After dinner, on a bench off to the side of the entrance hall, Blaise and Zach met to go over how their efforts had gone. They were splitting a plate of cookies Zach had taken from the Hufflepuff table so they wouldn't have to miss dessert.
Sequoia: [sighs] "I don't think I've been rejected so many times in my entire life."
Colin: Blaise sighed, sounding a little distraught.
Sequoia: "I feel like some sort of… non-special. Ugh."
Kim: "Yeah. I didn't have any better luck."
Colin: Both youths lapsed into silence.
Kim: "There is one teacher that we haven’t tried yet."
Colin: Zach finally ventured. Blaise sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of their nose.
Colin: "I am well aware. But I just… she's just so… I cannot with how extra she is."
Sequoia: "I'm not a big fan of her either. But desperate times and all. Hey, are you worried at all? About recruiting? I'm starting to worry that other people might not be as interested as we thought."
Kim: "It's going to be okay. Our people are out there. This is just a minor setback. This is going to be incredible. I just know it."
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: [ethereal yet dramatic voice] "Ahhh! Have you come at last to learn of your dreaded fate?"
Colin: Professor Trelawney stated dramatically, her back to Zach and Blaise.
Sequoia: "Uhhhh excuse me, Professor?"
Colin: Professor Trelawney whipped around quickly.
Sequoia: "Who's that? Oh. It's not Potter."
Colin: She flopped down into her winged armchair heavily.
Sequoia: "What do you two want?"
Colin: She sounded a little dejected.
Sequoia: “Professor, I don’t know if you were aware of this institution’s utter neglect of the arts and of those students who might have immense talents to be lent to the stage, but we discovered the bygone existence of the Hogwarts Drama Clu…”
Colin: Blaise was cut off by a tremendous gasp from Professor Trelawney. Her hands flew up to her face and her fingers came to rest on her temples as her eyes fluttered closed.
Sequoia: “Yes, yes, I see it. A group of students, they’re moving in unison to the sounds of instruments being played.”
Colin: She said in a deep, misty voice, her hands leaving her temples and waving about in front of her body.
Sequoia: “Yes. They’re crying… NO! They’re laughing. These students have formed a Drama Club!”
Colin: Trelawney’s eyes burst open at her final proclamation and she surveyed the two students in front of her with a look of triumph.
Kim: “Uhh… yeah. So, as Blaise was saying, we’re trying to bring the Drama Club back, but the rules for starting a new club say we have to have an advisor. So, uh, would you please be our advisor?”
Colin: Zach attempted to look hopeful but didn’t get much past resigned.
Sequoia: “Oh my. Well, that is quite flattering, but I’m afraid it would be difficult, as my mind is much preoccupied in its ruminations on the very future of the Wizarding World.”
Colin: Trelawney raised her eyebrows in Blaise’s direction. They let out a muffled groan of frustration. Zach elbowed them sharply in the ribs and they said…
Sequoia: “What if we gave you a part in our first show?”
Colin: Through gritted teeth.
Sequoia: “My dear students, I would be delighted to be your advisor.”
[instrumental music]
Colin: It was almost four pm on the dot when Zach came running towards the Transfiguration classroom, huffing and puffing. Blaise was pacing the hallway outside the classroom door, looking quite put out.
Sequoia: “There you are! I absolutely refuse to go into this meeting by myself. McGonagall hates Slytherins and, I mean, you’re not much better, but it would certainly be some improvement. Smith, you must attempt some cardio, we really cannot have the Vice President of the Drama Club unable to keep up during the dance numbers.”
Colin: They said, their tone a bit more frantic than usual.
Kim: “Maybe I should have left you here pacing in this fucking hallway and gone to the real meeting myself.”
Colin: Zach’s breathing was still labored. As he took gasping breaths, crouched over his knees, he pulled out a piece of rolled parchment and shoved it into Blaise’s hands. Blaise scanned the note, muttering to themself.
Sequoia: “Your application for the Drama Club… particular interest to Headmaster Dumbledore… moved the meeting!”
Colin: Eyes wide, Blaise stared at Zach who stood up and nodded once. They both took off running back down the corridor. After what seemed like at least fifty flights of stairs, they finally made it, panting and sweating, to the statue that guarded the entrance to the Headmaster’s office. Blaise stared intently at the note clutched in their hand, and then back up at the statue.
Kim: “Well?”
Colin: Zach asked, motioning towards the stone gargoyle. Blaise handed the parchment back to Zach and raised their eyebrows expectantly. Zach quickly read the note, and then read it again.
Kim: “Did she seriously not give us the password?”
Colin: As soon as the words escaped his lips, the gargoyle began to move, revealing a hidden staircase.
Kim: “Oh, wizard Jesus, is his password ‘password’?!”
Colin: They shared a quick, exasperated eye-roll and ascended the moving staircase. At the top, they hesitated briefly in front of the oak door. Their eyes locked and they gave each other a brief nod. They were ready, and Blaise gave a few rapid taps with the door knocker.
Kim: [high-pitched, wavering voice] “Come in!”
Colin: A jolly voice rang out. Zach opened it and they both strode into the room, confident, smiling, and still damp with sweat.
Kim: “Oh, excellent, excellent! I’m glad you got Professor McGonagall’s note in time.”
Colin: Zach snorted but immediately attempted to turn the ungrateful noise into a cough.
Kim: “I heard you two are attempting to revive the long lost Hogwarts Drama Club! When Minerva told me the news, I couldn’t believe my ears. We haven’t had a Drama Club here since 1895. Ah, such fond memories. I remember my first performance, of course. We were more of the Shakespeare set back in that time. Romeo and Juliet, Julius Caesar, Macbeth! Oh, to be or not to be, that is the question! Though I suppose your question has a bit more to do with this new Drama Club of yours, yes?”
Colin: He looked over his half-moon spectacles and his eyes twinkled mischievously at the pair.
Kim: “Yes, Headmaster. We have an advisor and all the paperwork.”
Sequoia: “And of course, it’s wonderful to hear that you too appreciate the dramatic arts, Headmaster!”
Kim: “Yes, quite! We are happy to let you start the Drama Club, but there are conditions.”
Colin: The twinkle in Dumbledore’s eyes intensified.
Kim: “I understand that the two of you were recently given detention for your intervention in an argument between Messrs. Potter and Malfoy at breakfast in the middle of the Great Hall?”
Colin: At this moment Zach suddenly found something over Dumbledore’s left shoulder to be incredibly fascinating, while Blaise just smirked.
Kim: “Well, I happen to know that Mr. Potter is quite fond of the stage, so you must seek out and invite him personally to join your club.”
Colin: The twinkling was now almost too powerful to look at.
Sequoia: “Headmaster, is that really necessary? I mean, Potter may join if he likes, I suppose, but must we really seek him out personally? Perhaps we could just agree that Smith will do it.”
Kim: “What?! You’re the one who started all of this in the first place!”
Sequoia: “I couldn’t just stand there and let Malfoy make fun of Potter’s dead parents or pretend to faint one more time. And you were the one who suggested that Potter is nothing more than a whirlpool of innocent bystander slaughter and bad fashion, which I thought was a bit over the line.”
Kim: “You must both seek him out. Together. And you must allow any and all interested students to join your club as well as participate in any productions that the club stages.”
Colin: Blaise gasped, clutching one hand to their heart.
Sequoia: “You mean we cannot turn anyone away from being in our shows?”
Colin: They whispered.
Kim: “That is correct, Mx Zabini. All students must be allowed to participate.”
Colin: Blaise looked as though they were about to faint. Sensing the oncoming storm, Zach grabbed Blaise by the arm.
Kim: “Thank you very much, Headmaster, sir. We will absolutely do all of those things that you just said.”
Colin: Zach said rapidly as he stood up and dragged the almost comatose Blaise to their feet.
Kim: “We will be going now, sir. Thank you for everything. Headmaster. Sir.”
Colin: With Blaise’s arm tucked firmly under Zach’s, the pair stumbled towards the door.
Kim: “Great office, very cool… stuff.”
Colin: Zach said as he turned to close the door behind them. Approximately one minute later anyone on the seventh floor of Hogwarts heard a very shrill voice screaming at the top of their lungs.
Sequoia: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[instrumental music]
Colin: Blaise and Zach entered the Great Hall, laden with props and informational materials. Zach was carrying an impossibly large stack of pamphlets and Blaise was wearing three capes and five hats all stacked on top of each other. They looked around the hall for an empty table and finally found one in the back corner of the room, usually reserved for the most unpopular first year Gryffindors.
Kim: “See? I told you if we didn’t get here early, or at least on time, we’d get the worst table at the Clubs Fair! But no. You had to try on every single one of your capes before you could pick and then you still brought three!”
Colin: Zach said. Blaise rolled their eyes and tipped the five hats off their head. They spilled onto the table unceremoniously.
Sequoia: “You clearly don’t understand the importance of the correct cape. And I’m only wearing one. These two are to drape elegantly over the backs of our chairs. Get ready to be the talk of the town, Smith! Hm, I do hope we brought enough handouts.”
Kim: “I think we brought more handouts than there are students at this school.” [whiny drawl] “Well doesn’t this look interesting.”
Colin: Came a drawling voice from behind them.
Kim: “Oh, wizard Jesus. Draco, did you come over here to make some snarky comments about our club, or are you genuinely interested? Because I’m not really in the mood to hear about how our flyers are orphans or whatever.”
Colin: It was hard to tell if Draco’s offence was real or feigned, but he did manage to smirk quite impressively.
Sequoia: “No, no. There’s no way he’s here to join our thespian troupe. No, the stage requires creativity, and we’re all painfully aware that Draco hasn’t a creative bone in his insufferable body.”
Colin: Blaise smirked at Draco. Draco smirked back. Zach sighed heavily as the smirking competition intensified. Finally, in a last ditch attempt to win the smirk off, Draco picked up the quill from the table and signed his name to the Drama Club roster with a flourish. Blaise grimaced in defeat as Draco turned to Gregory Goyle, handing him the quill. After both his cronies had also added their names, Draco slid a pamphlet from the top of the pile.
Kim: “See you at our first meeting!”
Colin: And with a sickening giggle, they were gone.
Kim: “Ah, yes, this is going so well.”
Sequoia: “Please, Smith. I’m dealing with the fact that I’m going to have to let those three in my show.”
Colin: Zach fixed an attempt at an encouraging smile on his face and said…
Kim: “Y’know, while he certainly has an inability to come up with new material, he has somewhat of a talent for performance. Weasley is Our King was quite big in its day.”
Sequoia: “Only because I wrote it.”
Colin: Blaise said, huffily.
Kim: “Right.”
Colin: Zach trailed off and looked up, only to see an extremely handsome, pearly white figure floating in front of the booth.
Sequoia: [British accent] “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt.”
Colin: Ghost Cedric said, smiling.
Kim: “N-no you could never interrupt. Always happy to see you! What can I do for you?”
Colin: Zach babbled rapidly, obviously flustered, face a little pink.
Sequoia: “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from the rest of the student body ever since… well, you know. I thought joining a club or two could help with that.” [dramatic voice] “You want to join the Drama Club?”
Colin: Blaise asked, their voice absolutely dripping with incredulity.
Sequoia: “Well, yeah. I can’t join any of the clubs where you do spells or need to be able to affect the material plane, so I don’t have a ton of options.”
Colin: Blaise’s eyebrows were threatening to rocket off of their forehead.
Sequoia: “Well, I think…”
Kim: “There’s no rule against it.”
Colin: Zach cut in. Blaise whipped around to glare at him.
Kim: “Uhh.”
Colin: Zach faltered a bit under the intense glare.
Kim: “Since Cedric, uhhhh, passed out of the physical plane before graduation he, uhhhhh, technically never graduated so he’s, uhhhhh, technically still a student? And Dumbledore did say that the club has to be open to all interested students, sooooooooo… and there’s no rules AGAINST ghosts joining clubs.”
Sequoia: “Yes!”
Colin: Cedric gave a big fist pump and an even bigger smile. He tried to grab a flyer, but his hand passed through the stack. His face fell a little as the one on top was disturbed only slightly. He plastered a smile back on and said…
Sequoia: “I’ll see you two at the first meeting! I’m so excited!”
Colin: Zach waved as Cedric floated out through a nearby wall. Blaise slumped over in their chair; head thrown back dramatically.
Sequoia: “I don’t know why you’re so upset. Cedric has always been one of the most popular students at Hogwarts.”
Kim: “Sure. Maybe he was. But that was before his untimely demise!”
Colin: Zach cringed.
Blaise: “How exactly am I supposed to do choreography for someone with NO CORPOREAL FORM?!”
Colin: Blaise stopped, closed their eyes, and took several deep, calming breaths.
Sequoia: “It will be fine. It’s going to be okay. But if I hear that anyone has so much as implied that there is an occasional gathering of people who enjoy looking at monologues to Myrtle, I will flay the skin from their entire body with my bare hands.”
Kim: “Fair enough.”
Colin: The following hour passed with some minor success in signing students up for the Drama Club, and only two medium sized meltdowns from Blaise. Then, as the hustle and bustle began to die down and the last moments of the Clubs Fair were upon them, who should arrive but…
Sequoia: “Potter.”
Kim: “What?”
Sequoia: “It’s Potter, he’s here.”
Colin: Blaise pointed with a shaky hand toward the door where, finally, the Golden Trio had decided to grace the Great Hall with their presence.
Kim: “Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any. Let’s go invite Potter to the club.”
Colin: As Zach grabbed a handout, he motioned for Blaise to follow him. Not a word or any sound of movement came from Blaise’s chair. Zach turned to find Blaise was not anywhere to be seen.
Kim: “Blaise. This isn’t even remotely funny. Dumbledore said that a condition of our clubship was that we have to invite him, personally. That means you have to come with me.”
Colin: Zach sighed loudly.
Kim: “And that means you have to get out from under the fuckin’ table and quit it with the dramatics!”
Colin: Again, Zach’s pleas were met with silence.
Kim: “If you get out here in the next five seconds, I will do all the talking and you can just stand next to me, attempting to look pleasant.”
Sequoia: “Well, if I absolutely must.”
Colin: Blaise said resignedly while emerging gracefully from under the table.
Sequoia: “Though I’m quite sure Potter won’t want anything to do with either of us. And I don’t know if he could handle the stage anyway, even though he’s practically the most dramatic student at this school.”
Colin: Blaise followed Zach through the almost empty Great Hall toward Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who had stopped to look at the offerings of the Astronomy Club. Hermione was muttering something about star charts while Ron picked up a telescope and held it to his eye, backward, of course. Zach cleared his throat and tapped Harry on the shoulder.
Sequoia: [deep voice] “Oh. Uh, hi?”
Colin: Harry said, clearly surprised to see them.
Kim: “Hello, Potter. Blaise and I are starting a Drama Club and extending an invitation for you to join. Personally. Now. Here.”
Colin: Zach held the flyer out towards Harry, who took it with a look of mild disbelief. As if to check if any of this were real, Harry looked toward Blaise, eyebrows raised. Blaise made a small, quiet, strangled noise that sounded almost like “Uh huh” while attempting to curve their mouth into a smile.
Kim: “Yeah, it’s because uhhhh… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rude to you.”
Colin: The noise Blaise made at this undercut Zach’s apology somewhat, but Harry’s face shifted from guarded skepticism to surprise.
Sequoia: “No one ever apologizes to me.”
Colin: He murmured. He looked down at the flyer while the rest of the group enjoyed a long, awkward silence.
Sequoia: “Well this looks… uh, yeah, this looks pretty fun. Yeah, I guess I could make it to the first meeting, at least.” [dramatic voice] “Splendid. Excellent. Fabulous. Really fantastic, Harry. We must be going now. Ta!”
Colin: Blaise choked out in a very high pitched voice before turning and practically jogging towards their table. Zach followed quickly behind.
Kim: “You know what, Blaise? You didn’t do half bad. Maybe you are an actor.”
Sequoia: “We must get you out of that house, Smith, it’s messing with your morals.”
[instrumental music]
Kim: “This isn’t good. This is not good!”
Colin: A flustered Zach said while pacing the Hogwarts black box theater. Blaise let out a string of coughs from the other side of the room.
Sequoia: “It looks like nobody was cleaning this even before all the house elves freed themselves. My goodness, it’s like descending into a crypt. I’ve never seen this much dust in my entire life.”
Kim: “Oh, wizard Jesus fucking Christ. Two people are going to come to our club meeting and we won’t even have anywhere for them to sit. Look at this! This is at least five inches of dust!”
Colin: Said Zach, gesturing towards one of the audience benches which was piled high with years of dust.
Sequoia: “Never mind where people are going to sit, [gravelly voice] listen to what this is doing to my voice! How am I supposed to open the meeting with my performance?!”
Colin: Blaise exclaimed, coughing again into their fur cape.
Sequoia: “I wore this outfit specifically for the occasion, and before we know it, I’ll be so covered in dust, you won’t even be able to tell!”
Kim: “Do you know any cleaning spells?”
Colin: Blaise glared at Zach over the top of their cape, which they had now wrapped around the bottom half of their face.
Kim: “Ugh, I know, you’ve ‘got people for that.’ I don’t even know why we’re bothering; at this rate we’ll probably only have Malfoy show up to spite us.” [cool voice] “Oh wow!”
Colin: A voice came from behind the two, cut off by a cough.
Kim: “This is gross. Dustundofo!”
Colin: Suddenly, the room was dust free. Zach and Blaise turned to see Harry, Ginny, and Luna standing in the doorway.
Kim: “Thanks, Weasley.”
Sequoia: “Ah! Potter, Weasley, Lovegood, welcome to the Hogwarts Drama Club. I am your club President, and Smith here is your club Vice President. Please have a seat, the others will be here shortly, no doubt.”
Colin: Blaise gestured towards the benches and took their place on the stage, adjusting their cape. Blaise was correct. Almost immediately, the door to the black box opened again and students began to enter swiftly, one after another, in a seemingly endless stream. Soon the room was full. There were more students than there were seats. Blaise twirled about the stage in delight, welcoming the new recruits as they entered and introducing themself. Zach sat, the panic that he had felt previously, thinking no one would come, was now quickly being replaced with a different sort of panic, a drowning feeling that they had gotten themselves in over their heads. He was brought out of his reverie by Blaise bringing the meeting to order.
Sequoia: “Hello fellow thespians, and welcome to the inaugural meeting of the Hogwarts Drama Club! I am thrilled that you all have come out in support of the dramatic arts, and I know you are just dying to hear about our big plans for this year. But, before we begin our journey into this theatrical endeavor, let me treat you all to a song!”
Colin: Blaise flicked their wand and music began to swell throughout the theater.
Sequoia: [singing] “Midnight, not a sound from the pavement…”
Colin: Throughout the performance, Zach glanced back and forth between Blaise and the assembled students. The students were rapt with attention. Their faces ranged from awed excitement to awed confusion. Blaise had them in the palm of their tattered-gloved hand; when they began to cry at the song’s emotional peak, the audience sobbed along with them. Finally, the song ended with Blaise in an artful heap in the center of the stage. Zach waited a beat for them to get back up but when it became clear that they were not going to be moving from their melancholy pose, he hurried up onto the stage.
Kim: “Excellent performance, Blaise! Thank you so much for the clue to our big plans for this year. As your club leadership, we’ve decided the best way to get this club going is to start big! And so we’re going to stage a major production this spring. Blaise has given you all a clue, so can anyone guess which show it is?”
Colin: An extended silence fell upon the group until one member of the audience heaved a great sigh.
Kim: “Uh, Potter, do you know?”
Sequoia: “Is it… ugh. Is it Cats?”
Colin: Harry said, hanging his head. Ginny sputtered in surprise.
Sequoia: “What? It’s Mrs. Figg’s favorite. She used to make me watch it whenever she watched me.” [dramatic voice] “This show is the fourth longest running Broadway show and the sixth longest running West End show, and it is my duty as your Drama Club president to make sure that our production puts both of them to shame!”
Colin: The newly minted drama club members and cast and crew for the most stunning production of Cats to ever grace the stage looked at each other with a mixture of excitement and doubt.
Kim: “Uh, yup! Please prepare sixteen bars of a song for the next meeting. If you want to be in the show, that is. Everyone who wants to be in the show can be in the show, but we’ll also need stage crew members, so if you’d rather do that, we have a form you can fill out. Any questions?”
Colin: But the Drama Club was no longer listening to their Vice President. The room was alive with whispers and chatter as the students turned to each other, planning their audition songs and wondering what a musical called Cats could possibly be about.
[instrumental music]
Colin: A few days after their first meeting, Zach and Blaise met in a sunny spot near the greenhouses. They wanted to plan out some activities to brush up everyone’s acting abilities and build up trust and camaraderie between the members. They were sharing some fresh scones that Zach had grabbed from the kitchens on his way out. Blaise had been mangling one of them for some minutes, and not saying anything.
Kim: “Blaise? Is everything ok? You haven’t said anything in the last five minutes.”
Colin: Blaise let out an enormous sigh.
Sequoia: “Smith, I… I want you to know that I’m not mad.”
Kim: “Uhhhhhhh, what?”
Colin: Blaise pulled a magical recording device from their pocket.
Sequoia: “I received this recording this morning. I was told it was taken from just outside the Hufflepuff boys’ showers yesterday.”
Colin: They pushed the play button and a voice came from the device’s magical speakers. Someone, who sounded a lot like Zach, was attempting to sing The Boys Are Back in Town but they were clearly, obviously, quite unable to produce any particular note or hold anything resembling a tune. Blaise switched off the device.
Sequoia: “Smith, I’m not mad. It’s okay if you can’t sing.”
Colin: Zach sighed.
Kim: “Yeah. I can’t sing. I was hoping I could kind of hide? In the ensemble?”
Sequoia: “Honestly, Smith? This is great news! We need to put someone we trust in charge of the stage crew and I don’t trust anyone as much as you.”
Colin: They both paused. That was probably the nicest thing Blaise had ever said to Zach. They both independently decided to ignore it and move on.
Kim: “You’ve got yourself a stage manager.”
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: “But Headmaster, I am quite sure you must be mistaken. This is Hogwarts, for goodness sake, not some humdrum American high school with no theater budget where a ragtag group of misfits must pull together a legendary show despite all the odds. We must have room somewhere to spare a few coins! I mean, Quidditch got cancelled for whatever reason, can’t we have their budget?!”
Colin: Blaise paced in front of the Headmaster’s desk, their brow furrowed, gesticulating wildly. Dumbledore sat behind his desk wearing a twinkly smile.
Kim: “I’m afraid that, though you may not be at an American high school, you in fact do not have an unlimited theater budget. Additionally, I’ve seen your club roster and I’m quite sure you ARE a ragtag bunch of misfits.”
Colin: The headmaster's eyes twinkled mischievously and Zach couldn’t keep his eye roll on the inside this time. Dumbledore giggled slightly and continued.
Kim: “There just isn’t enough money for your club to purchase the rights to a musical, especially one as well beloved as Cats! So it seems it may be time for you to pull together a legendary show despite all the odds. I know you’ll be able to come up with something! Now, I have some other matters to attend to, so run along, both of you.”
Colin: Blaise and Zach climbed slowly down the stairs from the Headmaster’s office with heavy hearts. When they reached the bottom of the staircase, Blaise fell against the wall and sunk down to the floor with a sigh.
Sequoia: “This is it. This is the end of the club, of our hopes, of the dreams we had to put on the best performance of Cats this world has ever seen.”
Kim: “Come on, get up.”
Colin: Zach said, holding out his hand to help Blaise up from the floor.
Kim: “First of all, this is not the end of the club. We can figure something out. Second, speak for yourself on the Cats thing. I’m still not even sure what Cats is about.”
Sequoia: “Oh Smith. No one actually knows what Cats is about!”
Colin: Said Blaise, dusting off their robes.
Sequoia: “All right, what do you suggest we do?”
Kim: “I’m not sure. This kind of thing is a little bit more in your wheelhouse than mine. How do we find a musical we can do for free?”
Colin: As Zach spoke, Blaise suddenly reached out and clutched the front of his robes. A wild smile began to grow on their face as they shed the doom and gloom from only seconds before.
Sequoia: “If we can’t get a musical… we’ll have to write one.”
[instrumental music]
Colin: The Hogwarts black box theater was absolutely silent, even though it was practically full to the brim. The nervous energy of the Drama Club was palpable. Even Blaise seemed thrown a bit from their usual hyper confident self. The only noise was the occasional rustle of paper as a student shuffled through their sheet music. At the front of the staging area, Blaise and Zach sat behind a table, quills and parchment at the ready, staring at their first victim.
Kim: [nervous voice] “I-is it quite necessary for me to go first?”
Colin: Asked Neville, quickly wiping the sweat from his brow.
Sequoia: “Longbottom, once again I will remind you that this list was randomized. In the interest of fairness, yes, you must go first.”
Colin: Neville cleared his throat nervously and flicked his wand. As the music began, he started to sing very quietly, staring at his shoes. His voice was pleasant, nothing to write home about, but not at all difficult to listen to. The slight tremble in his voice from nerves matched well with his song choice, Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright, an American standby. As his song continued and he gained confidence, he began to sing louder. And when he finished, a hearty amount of applause followed.
Sequoia: “Thank you, Longbottom.”
Colin: Said Blaise to the beaming Gryffindor.
Sequoia: “A perfectly adequate way to kick off auditions if I do say so myself. Now, next on the list is Cedric Diggory!”
Colin: As ghost Cedric floated to the front of the room, the students could be heart whispering to one another.
Sequoia: [valley girl voice] “Can ghosts sing?”
Kim: [valley girl voice] “Is he meant to dance too?”
Sequoia: [deep voice] “Are ghosts allowed to join clubs?”
Kim: [stressed voice] “Cedric’s dead?!” “Now, settle down everyone! Cedric is part of the club and has just as much right as you lot to audition!”
Colin: Zach chastised the group of students while instinctively fixing his hair.
Kim: “Cedric, carry on.”
Sequoia: “Well, I haven’t a wand to start my music, would you mind, Smith? I’ll be singing Mr. Brightside by The Killers for my audition.”
Colin: And so went the rest of the afternoon. The members of the Drama Club, one by one, presented their sixteen bars to a not easily impressed Blaise and an easily impressed Zach. They were varying levels of nervous, maybe none so much as little Dennis Creevey who couldn’t get a word out once he hit the stage. Some showed hints of talent, while others proved they couldn’t carry a tune if their life depended on it. There were surprising performances, like the pleasing harmonies of Crabbe and Goyle (who insisted on auditioning as a duo), but there were only two absolutely outstanding auditions. Both Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy had brought Blaise Zabini to tears.
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: “Well?”
Kim: “Well...”
Sequoia: “WELL?!”
Kim: “Well, it’s something.”
Colin: Said Zach, putting down Blaise’s script on the Hufflepuff table.
Sequoia: “Something? Something what? Something amazing? Something spectacular?”
Colin: Blaise picked up the script and brandished it at Zach.
Sequoia: “I absolutely demand you give me something besides something! Oh, don’t look at me like that, you know exactly what I mean.”
Colin: Zach sighed.
Kim: “It’s just, it doesn’t make a lot of sense? Also why do so many characters get their own song? And why is every song, like, a completely different genre?”
Sequoia: “Oh, come on Smith, I’m writing something timeless here! It’s meant to both traverse all genres and to destroy the idea of genre itself.”
Kim: “Are you also trying to destroy the idea of plot?”
Colin: Blaise made a kind of frustrated growling noise and closed their eyes, massaging their temples. They began to breathe in a quick rhythmic manner, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
Kim: “Uhhh, Blaise?”
Sequoia: “Zacharias Benjamin Smith.”
Kim: “That’s not my middle name.”
Sequoia: “I am attempting to compose the music, write the script, choreograph, direct and star in an absolutely undeniable show stopper. Must I explain to you the immense amount of pressure I am under to resurrect the long dead Hogwarts Drama Club, which I hope will continue to persevere long past my tenure here?”
Kim: “Yes, and I’m concerned that it’s a bit too much for one person to take on? I’ve seen Potter around the grounds strumming an acoustic guitar before, can’t you ask for some help?”
Colin: Zach asked Blaise, his tone laced with real concern. Blaise looked incredulously back.
Sequoia: “I don’t need help! And musicals don’t have real plots anyway!”
Colin: At that moment their conversation was interrupted. Michael Corner slid nonchalantly onto the bench next to Zach, giving the pair a big smile.
Kim: [haughty voice] “Oh, hello Mx President, Mr. Vice President. How’re we this beautiful morning?”
Sequoia: “Oh, um, hello Corner. What can we do for you?”
Kim: “Well, I was just dropping by, couldn’t help but overhear from the Ravenclaw table you were talking about the script. I know everyone cannot wait to see the cast list, everyone wants to see who gets those solos, eh?”
Colin: Michael elbowed Zach in the ribs jokingly and let out a cheesy, fake laugh.
Kim: “And, you know, while I’m here, I just happened to have these two Honeydukes chocolate bars with me. Why don’t you each have one? And again, can’t wait for that cast list!”
Colin: He handed them each a chocolate bar, winked, and then hurried back over to the Ravenclaw table. Zach rolled his eyes and added the chocolate bar to his bookbag, which also contained a teddy bear, a dozen daisies, a bag of Fizzing Whizbees, and a harmonica. Blaise handed their chocolate bar to the first year sitting next to them.
Kim: “We’ve got to get this cast list out, and we can’t do it until the script is finalized, so…”
Sequoia: “So, this is it!”
Colin: Blaise said, smacking the rolled up script against the table.
[instrumental music]
Colin: Zach was lying face down on the floor, screaming. He was done, absolutely and completely done, with this entire infuriating process. Blaise, on the other hand, couldn’t get enough of it. Completely oblivious to Zach’s current state, Blaise pushed forward, moving around yet another name on their casting board.
Sequoia: “I definitely see what you’re saying about Longbottom, and I see a lot of potential there if I’m being completely honest, but you can’t deny the raw talent of Malfoy!”
Colin: The character names were written on the empty classroom’s blackboard, and next to each name there was a confusing mass of names, some crossed out, some circled, some circled twice, some crossed out and then circled at a later time.
Kim: “I swear to fucking Merlin, Blaise, if I hear the sound of chalk hitting that chalkboard one more time, I will personally tear out your vocal chords and condemn you to an absolutely unspectacular life.”
Colin: Said Zach, his face still pressed against the cold stone floor. Blaise could not be bothered to decipher whatever sounds were coming from below and continued to mutter, pacing in front of the blackboard.
Sequoia: “There’s no getting around it, Smith. I think we really must.”
Kim: “We really must WHAT, Blaise?”
Colin: Zach pulled himself up off the floor and stared at the names on the board with Blaise.
Sequoia: “It’s got to be…”
Colin: Blaise gestured dejectedly to one name in particular.
Sequoia: “...Potter.”
Kim: “Ah, fuck.”
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: “Aaand we’re all coming back into the now, into our bodies, and out of the trust building exercise.”
Kim: “Nice work today, everyone. I think you’ll all be excited to hear that the cast list has been posted in the hall outside. So you can all go look at that and…”
Colin: Zach trailed off as all of the students rushed toward the door loudly. Blaise patted Zach on the shoulder, and Zach jumped.
Sequoia: “Be prepared, Smith. Emotions may be a little high, but you know as well as I do that we did what was best for the show.”
Colin: Zach nodded, and the two walked into the hall to find a crush of students gathered around the list. There were some gasps from the crowd, and a few students pushed away from the press, crying, pursued by their friends. A couple of the faces turned towards Blaise and Zach, expressions accusatory.
Kim: [bro voice] “What gives?”
Sequoia: [valley girl voice] “Why does Malfoy get a solo?”
Kim: [valley girl voice] “You cast yourself as a lead.”
Sequoia: “Heads up, Smith. They’ll see soon enough that we were right.”
Kim: “Just a sec.”
Colin: Zach faced the crowd and spoke loudly and clearly.
Kim: “Thank you all so much for auditioning. You all did some really good work and you made this incredibly difficult for us. I’m looking forward to working on this show, and every show that we have in our future, with all of you. Rehearsals start on Thursday, and we’ll see you all then.”
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: “And one, two, three, four, two, two, three, four, three, two, three, four, four… oh dear Merlin, Crabbe, your left, not my left!”
Colin: Blaise waved their wand and the music stopped. The absolutely exhausted ensemble stopped dancing, some falling almost immediately to their knees, others staggering towards the water pitchers lining the room. Every one of them was grateful to have a break in the dancing.
Sequoia: “When we go into this number you all must remember, you are mirroring your partner. We are letting the audience into the narrative of the song. Who is it that made whom do what? Did your dance partner make you do it? What did they make you do?”
Colin: Blaise struck several poses as they explained the questions the students’ movements were meant to evoke.
Kim: “Um, Blaise?”
Colin: Michael Corner raised his hand from where he sat, crumpled on the floor. Blaise nodded in his direction.
Kim: “I can’t feel my feet.”
Sequoia: “Well, Corner, it looks like it doesn’t matter if you can or cannot feel your feet, as you cannot seem to put one in front of the other regardless.” [deep voice] “Oh, come off it, Blaise, you’re treating us all like we’ve got several years of ballet training.”
Colin: Said Harry while massaging his right calf muscle with a grimace.
Sequoia: “I wouldn’t be so hard on you all, but honestly, Diggory is putting you to shame. And I just cannot see how you’re being out danced by a ghost. He is extremely graceful and you should all be taking notes.”
Kim: “Graceful?! He’s literally floating, it’s impossible for him not to be graceful!”
Colin: Shouted Draco, his usually pale face flushed with exhaustion. Blaise let out a huge sigh and turned back towards the mirrored wall.
Sequoia: “Let's take it from the top!”
[instrumental music]
Colin: Zach stomped toward the courtyard that the Drama Club had requisitioned for stage combat practice. There were students in small groups spread throughout the space, some rolling on the ground, wrestling, others clanging swords.
Kim: “Chang, get over here. We need to talk. Everyone else, take five. Somewhere else.”
Colin: He yelled. The chaos stopped and the students filed out. Cho strode over to Zach.
Kim: [with one hundred percent vocal fry] “What do you need, Smith? I thought I had them for another half hour?”
Kim: “Chang, I’ve just had an extremely unpleasant conversation with Madame Pomfrey. Can you guess what it was about?”
Kim: “Uhhhhh.”
Kim: “She says that if she sees one more stab wound, she’s going to shut us down. You’re supposed to be choreographing stage combat! Why is the school nurse seeing an unsustainable increase in STAB WOUNDS?!”
Kim: “Well, we want the fights to look realistic, don’t we? Soooo…”
Kim: “Chang, this isn’t a discussion. Stop trying to teach Longbottom knife tricks. Don’t give either of the Creeveys any sharp objects. And we are cutting the sword fight between Potter and Malfoy because it’s too dangerous.”
Kim: “I mean, if you wanted a boring play…”
Kim: “What I want doesn’t matter. What I need is for no more students to lose fucking fingers, Chang!”
[instrumental music]
Colin: Blaise couldn’t believe it. The show they’d put their blood, sweat, and tears into for the past two months was about to be derailed by these two idiots. The two boys sat in front of them, their knees touching, staring into each other's eyes, and looking more uncomfortable than should be humanly possible. Blaise breathed deeply. They could fix this.
Sequoia: “You must learn to look at each other as though you’re in love. As though nothing else matters in this world. As if it’s just the two of you, and you cannot see anything else or hear anything else.”
Colin: Draco winced. Harry rolled his eyes.
Sequoia: “Haven’t you ever been in love before?! Close your eyes. Feel your heartbeat. When you’re near the one you love, your heart will beat faster.”
Kim: “I’m entirely sure my heart has never beat slower, Zabini.”
Colin: Draco drawled, sounding annoyed.
Sequoia: “Now, open your eyes. Potter, take your hand and put it right over Draco’s heart. Feel his heartbeat.” [deep voice] “Is this really necessary?”
Colin: Harry reached out tentatively towards Draco, but recoiled before he touched Draco’s chest.
Sequoia: “If you’re going to play romantic opposites in my musical, it is absolutely necessary. Now feel his heartbeat!”
Colin: Harry closed his eyes as though if he wasn’t looking, he could make it all go away, make it so it wasn’t really happening. Draco looked a bit panicked as Harry’s hand rested on his chest. After a few moments Harry’s eyes snapped open in surprise. The two boys stared deeply into each other's eyes, as though Blaise wasn’t there at all.
Sequoia: “See? Was that so difficult?”
[instrumental music]
Colin: Zach followed an irate Ginny into the empty classroom the Drama Club was using as its costume and prop studio.
Kim: [forceful voice] “I can’t work in these conditions, Smith!”
Colin: She snapped, gesturing at the mannequins.
Kim: “I’m an expert at fashion, not at ranching!”
Colin: And Zach had to admit most people would probably find it difficult to work on most things if they were surrounded by the herd of goats that had taken over the classroom. They were everywhere, standing on desks and chewing on fabric, hats, shoes, and spacesuits.
Kim: “Uhhh our animal trainer was supposed to be keeping an eye on them. I’m so sorry, Ginny.”
Colin: Zach hurried toward the door and yelled down the hallway…
Kim: “LOVEGOOD, COME GET YOUR GOATS!”
Colin: Not long after, Luna drifted into the room.
Sequoia: [soft, dreamy voice] “Is there a problem, Zach? Oh, hello Ginny, it’s so nice to see you.”
Kim: “Lovegood, I thought we agreed that you would keep the goats outside?”
Sequoia: “They were getting lonely out there so I thought I would keep them here in the castle where there are all sorts of friends for them.”
Colin: Zach sighed a long, heavy sigh.
Kim: “Oh, Luna. I love how much you care about everything. We can work something out. And I can just fix all of this with magic anyway.”
Colin: Zach stared at the two girls. Had this situation really just resolved? Without his help? He backed out of the room slowly.
[instrumental music]
Colin: Opening day dawned, a bright, beautiful spring day. Inside the castle, the Drama Club members had reached stratospheric heights of nerves, but Blaise and Zach knew that they were ready. Invitations that read, “You are cordially invited to breakfast and a show by the Hogwarts Drama Club!” had been sent out to all of the parents and the ten other people in the wizarding community. Last minute preparations took place between the Drama Club’s set of empty classrooms and the Hogwarts auditorium as the crowd arrived. Dumbledore had cancelled classes for the morning, as long as the students attended the performance, so every student not performing in the show was going to be there. As the morning wore on, the parents of all of the students involved in the production arrived. Mrs. Zabini kept mentioning loudly that her child was the President of the Drama Club to anyone she caught in conversation. Harry’s dads, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, got there early so they could make sure to get good seats. Xenophilius Lovegood was there too. Also in attendance was a strange group of adults who Blaise and Zach didn’t recognize as being related to any of the students, but who did include ex professor Mad Eye Moody. A surprise guest who had a reserved seat in a place of honor was the Minister of Magic. Blaise had sent the invitation themself. They wanted to make sure that the Minister saw just how talented and just how deserving of funding the Hogwarts Drama Club was. Breakfast was over and the audience was filling the foyer outside of the auditorium. The muffled sounds of their conversations could be heard filtering in through the doors. Blaise and Zach stood on the apron of the stage, in front of the curtains, looking out across the empty seats. Zach bumped his shoulder into Blaise’s arm.
Kim: “Hey, this is it. We really did it, didn’t we? We put together a drama club and we’re putting on a play.”
Sequoia: “Yes, well, it’s not over yet, Smith.”
Kim: “You’re going to be great, Blaise.”
Sequoia: “Thanks, Zach. Y’know, I don’t think there’s anything in the world I’d trade for this last year.”
Colin: Zach smiled
Kim: “Break a leg out there.”
Sequoia: “You too.”
[instrumental music]
Sequoia: “Okay everyone! Gather around! It’s almost time!”
Colin: The nervous Drama Club students crowded around Blaise. Some were still putting on their stage make up in mirrors held up by other cast members, some adjusted their costumes, others silently practised their lines, their mouths forming the words to monologues and songs. Blaise raised their hands and they all quieted, looking up at their fearless president.
Sequoia: “We’ve put in the work to make sure this show is the most spectacular event to ever be held on the Hogwarts grounds. I believe we are ready, ready to show this school the talent that lies within its student body. The show starts in five minutes, so it’s time to begin our vocal warm ups. Tongue twisters from the top! Together everyone!”
[instrumental music]
Colin: The curtains opened on a pleasant, pastoral scene. The backdrop was painted with a lovely field of prairie grasses and flowers. The façades of two wooden cabins reminiscent of the American west in the late 1800s sat onstage. The chorus began to enter, some wearing long skirts and long sleeved blouses that buttoned up all the way to their necks. The others wore long trousers and suspenders over their button up shirts and wide brimmed hats. They all looked weary from a long day's work. Music filled the auditorium as the ensemble began their song.
Sequoia and Kim: [singing] “Tweetaledeetaledeet, tweetaledeetaledeet!”
Colin: The jaunty melody of their first tune, Rockin’ Robin, reverberated off the auditorium walls. As the first verse began, Sybill Trelawney floated in from offstage, singing the main part of the opening number. She wore her usual collection of colored scarves, mismatched jewelry, and large round glasses. Oddly, a wide brimmed hat, like several of the ensemble were wearing, had been placed precariously atop her head. The crowd couldn't help but dance along in their seats as the midwestern farmers and Professor Trelawney reached the chorus, the ensemble breaking out into a synchronized dance routine. Sybil glided across the stage, belting out the rest of the song, and the farmers’ whistles followed her as she exited the stage with her final note.
[instrumental music]
Colin: The stage crew executed a flawless scene transfer while the lights shifted to a moody color scheme and a spotlight shone on a lone figure in center stage. Draco Malfoy stood looking pensive and melancholy. He was wearing tight leather pants and a long sleeved shirt covered in emerald faux fur that matched emerald highlights in his spiked hair. A long, silver chain was around his neck with a massive, bejeweled snake hanging from it. Fingerless fishnet gloves and platform combat boots completed the look. Slow, synthesized keyboard music started and Draco looked up, eyes soulful. The spotlight tracked him as he paced downstage and began to sing. Backstage, Zach glanced up from his book and saw Blaise, standing next to him, staring at Draco. They were singing along, quietly, to the words. Draco sang about his heartache and pain, and about his lonely life. Blaise’s eyes narrowed.
Sequoia: “He should be cheating out more. Why is he facing offstage?”
Colin: They hissed.
Kim: “What?”
Colin: Zach pulled one of the ears of his magical headphones off and looked onto the stage. The music swelled and Draco sang…
Kim: [singing] “I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me.”
Colin: In between the wings, on the opposite side of the stage, Blaise and Zach saw the lights reflect off a pair of round lenses.
Kim: “Is Malfoy singing to Potter?”
Colin: Zach whispered with amazement.
Sequoia: “Hopefully it improves their chemistry in the next scene.”
Colin: Blaise replied.
[instrumental music]
Colin: The stage was dark as the next musical number began. With the first notes of the song, a figure rose from the floor of the stage, surrounded by mist.
Sequoia: [singing] “I don’t like your little games, don't like your tilted stage.”
Colin: Blaise was wearing an all gold jumpsuit. The legs and arms were flared at the ends and covered in silver glitter. Around their waist was a thick white and silver belt with a snake clasp at the center. Draped across their shoulders was one of their signature capes, silver with gold fringe dangling around the collar. To top it all off, Blaise was wearing a rather large silver and gold jeweled tiara. Once Blaise began to move, you could see they were skating around on a pair of bedazzled, gold roller skates. The crowd was in absolute awe as the rest of the stage lit up to reveal background dancers in pure white tuxedos and top hats dancing as though they were looking in a mirror. Blaise was absolutely on fire, skating around the stage and bringing the crowd to their knees. In the front row, their mother cried and stood up, clapping as Blaise capped off their song with a final, “Look what you just made me do!” And as the curtain fell for intermission, the rest of the audience joined her in a standing ovation.
[instrumental music]
Colin: Intermission was barely contained chaos backstage. Almost every actor had a costume change before the second act, there were several very large set pieces that needed to be set, and Trelawney had fallen asleep so her understudy needed to be prepared. Zach sprinted through the disorder, checking that nothing was going too wrong. He was wearing black pants, a black long sleeved shirt that was turned inside out to hide the logo, a black beanie, black socks, and black sneakers.
Sequoia: [panicked voice] “Zach, we can’t find the hula hoops! I think we forgot them in the prop room!”
Colin: A panicked Hannah shouted at him.
Kim: “On it!”
Colin: He responded as he ran for the prop room. Part way there, he ran across Ernie and Susan struggling to move one of the pirate ship set pieces.
Kim: “Here, let me help!”
Colin: The three of them gave a coordinated push, the ship lurched forward, and two people toppled out of it, lips still locked.
Kim: “Potter? Malfoy?! Were you two making out in there?! You’re both supposed to be getting ready for act two!”
Colin: Zach found himself clenching his jaw in stress but stopped and took a deep breath.
Kim: “If you leave right this fucking second, I won’t tell Blaise that you weren’t in costume when you were supposed to be.”
Colin: The two boys paled and sprinted off without a word. Zach nodded to the stage crew members and continued on his original mission.
[instrumental music]
Colin: The chaos backstage quieted, the audience made their way back to their seats, and the curtains rose on the second act. Quiet synth music began to pulse through the auditorium as mist began to flow onto the stage. A lone, mournful violin began to play and large pirate ships began to wheel past each other across the stage. Dancers wove in between the ships in a fantastical, dreamlike sequence. Above, around, and through them all, ghost Cedric led the dance. It was obvious that he was a naturally talented dancer and under Blaise’s rigorous tutelage he had become absolutely magnificent. Zach missed calling a couple of cues as he stared onstage, awestruck. The audience was likewise enraptured. Ghost Cedric’s dance communicated such loss, such loneliness, and such passion, several sobs echoed in the auditorium. The music built upon itself and then the vocals started. The words were coming from amongst the pirate ships and it was hard to see who was singing at any point.
Sequoia: [singing] “Oh, I just died in your arms tonight.”
Colin: The ensemble sang. Ghost Cedric continued his dance to center stage, and the pirate ships began swirling around him.
Sequoia: [singing] “I should’ve walked away.”
Colin: He sang, repeating it as the ships sank into the stage and he followed them down.
[instrumental music]
Colin: No one could have prepared themselves for the next musical number. The lights came up on the backdrop of a night sky. On the stage sat a dancer in a skin tight green leotard, wearing rose petals all around their head. The music began with two voices singing beautifully together in acapella from somewhere offstage. Suddenly, something began to descend from the ceiling down towards the stage. It was a large papier mâché sun, painted a dazzling yellow, and, as it came into full view, the audience could see Gregory Goyle’s head protruding from the top. As the sun continued its descent, it was joined by another large, round paper mâché celestial body, the full moon in all its glory with the head of Vincent Crabbe popping out. As the piano joined the song, the duo launched into the first verse, hanging in midair above the stage. While they sang the dancer began slowly moving across the stage. Then, the chorus swelled through the auditorium and the dancing rose burst to life.
Sequoia: [singing] “BAYBAY! I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.”
Colin: The audience couldn’t help but be swept up in the majesty and romance of the song. The sun and moon reached out towards each other as the rose of their love bloomed before the crowd’s very eyes. Not an eye in the house was dry as the song ended on one last gorgeous harmony and the sun and moon were drawn back up into the heavens.
[instrumental music]
Colin: The Drama Club set themselves for the final number. So far, the show had gone off without any major unforeseen issues, and Blaise and Zach were both feeling their extreme stress starting to morph into pride and relief. The lighting shifted, the stage crew rotated the set pieces, and Harry made his entrance. He was wearing a beautifully embroidered crimson doublet with an enormous ruff around his neck. He had on gold breeches, slashed with crimson, and a matching cape. Atop his head, he wore a tall, velvet hat decorated with several large, red feathers. Harry smiled into the audience and the ensemble filed in around him. Just as the music began, the doors to the auditorium were suddenly flung open. An ominous mist filled the back of the room and the music stopped. For a moment, nothing happened, and then a cold voice echoed through the auditorium.
Kim: [silly, high pitched voice] “So sorry to interrupt your little show. Someone seems to have left the castle open for the taking.”
Colin: Several jets of blue light rushed into the audience, freezing them in their chairs, unable to move or speak or help. Then, through the mist, came Lord Voldemort himself. He sauntered down the aisle towards the stage, taking the opportunity to get close to his victims in the audience, who were unable to back away from his foul person.
Kim: “Ah!”
Colin: He said when he reached the front row.
Kim: “The Minister of Magic! You children really have made my job quite easy today, haven’t you?”
Colin: Voldemort turned toward the stage where Harry and the cast stood, wandless and defenceless.
Kim: “Oh, Harry, my boy. Were you about to start your closing number? Finish off the big show with your big number? I’m afraid I’ll be finishing the show today, Harry. And I think I’ll finish it… with a bang!”
Colin: Voldemort stepped up to the stage and grabbed Harry by the shoulder, forcing him to look out on the crowd.
Kim: “All your friends get to watch you die today boy, how about that? That’s a real show stopper.”
Colin: His evil, inhuman laugh rebounded off the walls, filling the room with an air of dread. Then Voldemort left Harry’s side temporarily, moving instead to taunt the Minister in his frozen state for a bit.
Sequoia: “Psst. Harry! Harry!”
Colin: Blaise whisper yelled to the front of the stage. Harry turned around, a look of dread on his face.
Sequoia: “Harry, the show must go on.”
Colin: They cocked their head towards the wings where Zach stood, his wand at the ready for conducting. Harry nodded and gave Zach quick thumbs up before turning back out toward the crowd.
Sequoia: [singing] “Together, together, together, everyone.”
Colin: Harry’s voice rang out in the silence. Voldemort turned towards him looking slightly amused, but decidedly not threatened.
Sequoia: [singing] “Together, together, come on let’s have some fun.”
Colin: As he finished singing the second line, the music came back into the theater, louder than it had been throughout the whole show. The rest of the ensemble took that as their cue to jump in and sing the next line with Harry.
Sequoia and Kim: [singing] “Together, we’re there for each other every time. Together, together, come on let’s do this right!”
Colin: Voldemort's confidence began to falter, and he stumbled backward as the power of the song hit him like a wave. Blaise could see Voldemort’s spell’s power over the audience beginning to waver. They pushed to the front of the ensemble, placed their hand on Harry’s shoulder, and sang along with him. As the Hogwarts Drama Club hit the first chorus of the song, the stage crew emerged from the wings to join in. In their full force, the students sang as loud as they could with all the power they could muster, together. Voldemort cried out as they sang at him, something inside of him seemed to be burning up.
Kim: “No, no it cannot be, it… it’s the power that I have known not!”
Colin: Voldemort fell to the ground, screaming out in pain. The song kept going and the group of students continued singing as the Dark Lord began to literally melt right before their eyes. When they were through, so was he, nothing remaining but a puddle at the foot of the stage. The audience was released from their magical binding and at first it was very, very quiet. Then the first clap was heard, another followed, and another, and another, until all the audience were on their feet screaming and clapping. Harry looked at Blaise and smiled, gesturing them forward to take the spotlight at the front of the stage. Blaise looked back and held out their hand to Zach, and the two of them, the President and Vice President of the Hogwarts Drama Club, took the final bow.
[the ending of Wolfstar plays]
Listener Voice 5: Pansy Parkinson is the hottest, coolest, most popular girl in school. At least so she thinks. Until one day, she overhears a conversation that will change her life. [with a hundred percent vocal fry] “It’s like, who even likes Pansy? She thinks she's the best, but honestly I’m the best, and more people need to realize it.” [high pitched posh voice] “Indeed! I’m so glad her mother was never a Death Eater, or else I’d have to talk to her! So, will you help me?” How will Pansy get over this shame? Will it involve working with a certain Trio to bring down her shit talkers? And what is it about bushy haired Gryffindors that just gets her all hot and bothered?
Listener Voice 6: It’s the day of the school carnival, and Hermione Granger is a nervous wreck. She can’t remember how she managed to be persuaded into this, but now it’s zero hour, and there’s no way out. She takes a deep breath, walks out onstage, and stands under the neon sign flashing Kissing Booth over her head. Flanked by Pansy, Blaise, and Lavender, and with the burning desire to save her beloved school library, she takes her place at her booth and waits. The first few kisses are bearable. Colin Creevey gets plus one for enthusiasm, minus five for the tuna sand he has clearly been eating. Ron snogs Lavender so thoroughly, Hermione wonders if he’s trying to perform CPR. Blaise kisses person after person, and Pansy scowls at them all, clearly waiting for a special someone, until suddenly the crowd is stopped dead. Total silence fills the space. Pansy sits up straight, pouty and adjusting her bra, even Blaise seems excited, and Hermione sees him swagger in. The ice prince of leather pants himself, none other than Draco Malfoy. He crosses the floor with determination, and the whole school waits with breath bated, wondering who the sexy, snarky Slytherin will choose. Will it be the pureblood princess, the genderfluid icon, Ron's cutie pie, or the bookworm? Nobody can believe it when he sunters over to Hermione’s booth. [haughty voice] “Granger,” he drawls, and before she can even ask what his father would think, they’re kissing.
[instrumental music]
Kim: Holy shitballs.
Sequoia: Oh wow.
Kim: Um.
Sequoia: Oh wow.
Kim: Hey, Colin?
Colin: Mm?
Kim: Thank you so much.
Colin: Thank you? What do you mean? Thank you for having me. This was a ton of fun.
Kim: We certainly wrote a lot of words for you to say.
Sequoia: We did, we did. Especially there at the end, got real Colin heavy. [all laugh] We were like, how do we write these songs in? Well, just put Colin talking! Boop de doo doop!
Colin: I was very happy to do it. And I loved how it ended, where they defeated Voldemort with the power of song and friendship.
Kim: Mhm. Yeah.
Sequoia: That they did.
Colin: That they did.
Kim: They certainly did.
Sequoia: Whoo! Well…
Kim: We wrote this for you.
Sequoia: We wrote this for you. For us and for you.
Kim: I hope you liked it. Also yeah, mostly for us, but also for you. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Thank you so much. I honestly am having trouble wrapping this up, because I don't know what to say except for thank you like four hundred times?
Kim: I think a hundred…
Sequoia: I can do that!
Kim: A hundred thank yous is probably enough, but…
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Colin: A hundred…
Sequoia: Thank you, thank you. [all laugh]
Kim: No, but for real. Thank you for letting us do this and for listening to us and for putting up with our bullshit.
Sequoia: Remember to check out the playlist on Spotify! [laughs]
Kim: Hell yeah! Hell yeah!
Sequoia: There’s some fuckin’ bangers in there!
Kim: As we just demonstrated.
Colin: Some real bangers. And I would like to thank the audience as well. Thank you so much for welcoming me into your ear holes for the last… for the last, gosh…!
Kim: Who knows?
Colin: How long have you guys been doing this podcast?
Kim: Ohhh.
Colin: A hundred years, for the last hundred years.
Sequoia: Almost three years?
Kim: For the last hundred years.
Colin: And thank you so much for…
Sequoia: Yeah, the last hundred years.
Colin: Kimquoia for always making me a part of some really, really fun episodes, so thank you.
Kim: Also thanks to The Whomping Willows for letting us use our theme song. It’s their amazing song, Wolfstar.
All: Bye!
Colin: See you in a hundred more years!
Sequoia: Oh Jesus! [laughs]