Episode 101: Love Lessons
Recommendation: A Talk in the Hospital Wing
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Kim: Sooo, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Uh-huh.
Kim: I love BMIS.
Sequoia: Uh-huh.
Kim: I think it's great. I think you're doing a great job. I'm so proud of you. [Sequoia chuckling] Did you...Did you have to feed-drop one of your grossest stories [Sequoia laughs] yet though? Did you have to?
Sequoia: Yeah, I think I did. I think I did. I think I did have to do that.
Kim: Alright. Fine. [Kim chuckles as Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: What? You didn't like it when a whole chunk of her scalp came off into the hair brush?
Kim: Oh, I was loving it. [Sequoia laughs and Kim giggles]
Theme Song: ('Wolfstar' by the Whomping Willows: You know, we really love you/It ain't our place to judge you./You're feeling scared about it?/Naturally/There's no point hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me./You can count on me./You can count on me.)
Sequoia: Hello. I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It is a Harry Potter fan fiction podcast.
Sequoia: Where we are once again reading fan fiction written before June 2008.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: And not fan fiction that we wrote last month. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah. Oh, we got so much really nice feedback from that. And I am just so glad that you all liked what we made for us.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both chuckle] What we made for us. Yeah. Here's the thing is like. [groans] I feel like I poured so much of my love for the podcast and the fam and fan fiction and theater kids into [chuckling] that fanfiction. And getting that getting that feedback that everybody liked it. It feels really good because we did work really hard on it.
Kim: I'm glad you liked it. We like you too! [both giggle]
Sequoia: Now this is episode 101.
Kim: Whoo! [chuckle]
Sequoia: Which here we are, we're in the triple digits, babyy! [chuckling]
Kim: Whoo! Should we like do some sort of, like, cut off and try to stop doing so many callbacks to make it easier for people to get into this nonsense?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay well, here's the thing.
Kim: Do you want to make a callback right now? [both laugh]
Sequoia: You said. You phrased it as should we, so I'll change my answer: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: We should. Am I physically capable? No.
Kim: Good. [both chuckling] I'm just checking in, just checking in. I mean, I like to check in every once in a while. [Sequoia chuckles] Check in how we're doing, see if there's anything we could improve.
Sequoia: Mmhmm.
Kim: There are many things we could improve.
Sequoia: Ha! We could. Could? Should?
Kim: But we are not [singing] physically capable!
Sequoia: Before we get into it. Let's do the [singing] bullshit portion [improv-ed guitar riff].
Kim: Uhuh.
Sequoia: Episode 101, I am now coming up with a intro song to the bullshit portion segment. [same guitar riff, making Kim laugh, then singing] bullshit portion.
Kim: It's not a segment. Don't treat it like a segment, please.
Sequoia: It's not a segment? [laughs].
Kim: Please. Look, here's the bullshit. It's not bullshit. It's exciting, dude.
Sequoia: It is actually really exciting.
Kim: We are smack dab in the middle of our Potterless takeover. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We did say it as a joke once that we were going to take over Potterless for a month and then we did it.
Kim: We've been talking with Mike about doing My Immortal on his podcast for a long time, and we were both like, "Uhh, that's going to be a loong thing. I hope he's ready for us." And Mike's just the most gracious, most kind, best person. So of course he was.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. So we are, I think as of the release of this episode, four of our five episode takeover of Potterless comes out today. [Kim cackles] And then we're also on next week. [chuckles]
Kim: For the thrilling conclusion! [airhorn mouth noises]
Sequoia: Speaking of guesting on other podcasts that have a Harry Potter sort of tilt-
Kim: Vibe.
Sequoia: Vibe, I was on Sorted: Not a Harry Potter Podcast.
Kim: Colon is a Harry Potter podcast.
Sequoia: Is a Harry Potter podcast with our friends JD and Alex. Go check out Sorted, go check out Potterless. Go listen to us in locations that are not this location.
Kim: Or listen to us in this location! Here we go! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Oh wait.
Sequoia: First we had this other thing to say.
Kim: Okay, say it.
Sequoia: And my other thing to say is we have now gotten at least one carrot time in.
Kim: [singing] Yes.
Sequoia: And I really appreciate it. Shouts to Amber for getting us a carrot time in because...
Kim: I did a calculation, I don't remember what the number was. I think it was like four feet of carrot in an hour.
Sequoia: Based off of Amber's carrot time?
Kim: Yeah, obviously I didn't write it down anywhere smart. I was like, "Oh, how about- mu-bup bup." [Sequoia laughs] Nope. Four feet?
Sequoia: Four feet of carrot.
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: That thought is gone. [chuckles].
Sequoia: Well, you know, if you want to contribute to the data pool that we are using to calculate these carrot experiences. How long a carrot would have to be for it to take an hour for you to eat the carrot? [Kim chuckles] Please contact us on social media or via email with your carrot times. And now! Now we can do the podcast.
Kim: [singing] Now we can do the podcast! Let's do the podcast. [higher pitched] Podcast.
Sequoia: Are you coming up... Was that, was that a segment intro for our segment called The Podcast? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it's the part where we stop doing things that aren't the podcast, and start doing the podcast.
Sequoia: And start doing the pod-Ohh! [both chuckle] Oh, I see. Well, everyone, today I have a very, very special couple of treats for you. Two treats. First treat: are you ready to make some predictions?
Kim: I suppose.
Sequoia: It's been a while since we've actually recorded an actual episode.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We haven't really recorded a real episode of this podcast in over a month, I think. [Kim chuckles] So.
Kim: And everyone knows it only takes us about a week to forget how to do our own podcast.
Sequoia: Yes, we are all aware, we're all on the same page. I don't know. But it might like, you know, maybe the time off has kind of like reinvigorated your prediction making brain cells.
Kim: Brain cell, please.
Sequoia: Brain cell. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Kim: Please.
Sequoia: Brain cell. [chuckles] So you can make some predictions here. Now, I will preface this. We had to talk about this one this morning.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because we were... This is a listener submission and it was sent to both of us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I had to say some stuff about this in order to make sure that you didn't remember this story.
Kim: Yeah, I did go check my, my, my submission list to see where this fell in it. And I did spoil myself on the pairing.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Oops!
Sequoia: What I'm going to say is that you cannot guess the pairing.
Kim: Fair enough.
Sequoia: Especially because... And I won't say... I'm going to wait until after everybody else makes their predictions.
Kim: Ahuh.
Sequoia: We're going to have a prediction moment. And then I'm going to reveal this author so that everybody will know why [laughing] they're not allowed, you weren't allowed to guess the pairing. So.
Kim: This is like Cupcakes, an author we've featured before. Yeah? Okay.
Sequoia: Yes, it is. You all out there that are making predictions: send them in to us via Twitter, hashtag fanfic divination. You can also answer the question on our Instagram story or email them to us or whatever you'd like. And then if you are on our Patreon discord, make sure to put those in the predictions channel for those house points.
Kim: [in a hype frat boy voice] House points!
Sequoia: Here are your clues. One: The title is Love Lessons.
Kim: Ahuh.
Sequoia: Two: It came out post Half-Blood Prince.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: And three: it is a romance slash angst. [Kim snickers, making Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Alright. One portion of the pairing will die in this story.
Sequoia: Nice. Nice, nice, nice. That's angsty.
Kim: Exactly. I think this is going to be a get together fic, like the couples not together at the beginning. And they're going to be together at the end of it. Right?
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Prediction number three: [highly unsure] a professor is going to teach the love lesson?
Sequoia: Nice. Good one. Nice.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Nice. Okay. Now that you have made your three predictions, I can now tell everyone that this story was written by the same author as [singing] Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt. [Kim snickers]
Kim: I hope you haven't read anything else of theirs. They have a really long one that I want to do someday because it's [Sequoia giggles] some “what-” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. This got sent to us a couple of times.
Kim: Oh, you want to give credit?
Sequoia: This was sent to us by both Kiki and Berta.
Both: So thank you-.
Sequoia: so much-.
Both: To both of them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yes. Because this is just incredibly beautiful. So let's go ahead and get into it. This is Love Lessons by the author of Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt. Romance slash angst. Let's go. [laughs]
Kim: Alright.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Just right off the bat. Right off the fucking bat now.
Kim: Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
Sequoia: Okay here we go.
Kim: Ginny fucking dies in the first sentence. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Hagrid had changed a lot over the summer.
Kim: Excuse me? [Sequoia laughs] Did Hagrid go to America and come back hott? Please, Sequoia!
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: Excuse me?! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I can't believe you don't remember this.
Kim: I haven't read it!
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.
Kim: This is too powerful. Excuse me?
Sequoia: First sentence too powerful. Too powerful. The half-giant had spent the summer at a special shelter for sick hippogriffs over in the City of Angels. And he had come back completely different.
Kim: [singing] Oh my god. [Sequoia harmonizes on the last word] This author... This author is so powerful.
Sequoia: This author is so good.
Kim: They are so fucking committed to their bit.
Sequoia: Mm hmm.
Kim: You know how it's often really hard to tell if things are satire or not on the Internet?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This is, like, right on that line. [Sequoia wheezes] I know it seems like satire, but they are so fucking [Sequoia laughs] committed to their bit. It's hard to tell.
Sequoia: There is nothing in this world that I admire more than commitment to a bit, I think. So like this author is a, is a hero [Kim wheeze-laughs] is a personal hero of mine.
Kim: I guess it's hard to tell what part of their stuff is satire and what isn't exactly satire, it is stuff that they maybe believe, you know?
Sequoia: [unsure] Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. I don't know.
Sequoia: Oh, We'll... We'll...
Kim: The City of Angels!
Sequoia: The City of Angels!
Kim: Los [with a hard 'G' sound] Angeles.
Sequoia: Los Angles.
Kim: It's where we all [slipping into an accent, brightening vowels, almost Valley Girl] go to get hott. Am I right?
Sequoia: [in the same accent] Yeah. Am I right?
Kim: Do you think he... Do you think he has a... Do you think he may be picked up a bit of a accent?
Sequoia: Hold for the text please!
Kim: Oh fuck you! No, that can't be in it!
Sequoia: It was a change for the better.
Kim: Rude. Hagrid was already great.
Sequoia: His yucky beard. Yeah, I know. Listen you're about to-.
Kim: What? His yucky beard?
Sequoia: His yucky beard was now shaved off. His long hair was cut short.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And.
Kim: No, no, please.
Sequoia: Spiked up with gel! [chuckling as Kim sighs].
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I just, I just, I just..
Kim: I was really hoping it would also be frosted tips.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: You know what? It is frosted tips. [Sequoia laughs] They didn't write it, but it is.
Sequoia: You're just adding. Yeah, yeah, it is. It is. Frosted tips. Frosted tips, it's spiked up with gel. He wore a leather jacket that was covered in studs [Kim snickers] and he had [strained, trying not to laugh] ditched the cheesy accent and picked up a cool Los Angeles drawl.
Kim: They do not drawl there. What does that mean?
Sequoia: I don't know. Maybe they were referring to like the, eh, like the extensionnnn on the ends of [lengthening the 'o'] words.
Kim: That's not typically what- okay.
Sequoia: Maybe?
Kim: Okay. “Ditch the cheesy accent!”
Sequoia: Like, that's just what? That's just... That's just how he... Where he... What? [both giggle] All the students liked him now because they thought American accents were the coolest thing. [both giggle] He went to America. He got hot.
Kim: Uuh.
Sequoia: But more importantly, he got a cool Los Angeles accent.
Kim: Are American... Do people think American accents are cool? Feel like...
Sequoia: Yeah. I don't know that anybody thinks that American accents are the coolest thing, but sure.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Hermione liked Hagrid a lot better now that he changed.
Kim: Okay. Their problems with Hagrid weren't really his hard to read phonetic accent. It was that he kept trying to kill them.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was mostly the blast ended skrewts, I think.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: His teaching style had improved immeasurably.
Kim: Into what?
Sequoia: Ho-What? Because he got hot?
Kim: Yes? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Do those two things go hand in hand?
Kim: They absolutely do not.
Sequoia: "I am hot now. And also now I am [dissolving into chuckles with Kim] a good teacher. No more blast ended skrewts for these kids." But she didn't like criticizing Hagrid in front of her dear boy Harry [Kim wheeze-chuckles] because he got all annoyed.
Kim: Yeah, Harry's... Harry's Harry. Correct.
Sequoia: Hagrid had promised them a special lesson today, and he took the whole class out into a field behind the school to show them something cool.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: His gold chains were swinging. [both cackle] Didn't mention the gold chains before!
Kim: [singing] Oh my god.
Sequoia: I think those are important.
Kim: They're just, they're weaving it in. [Sequoia laughing] They're building it up! They're... Oh my goodness. I just... [Sequoia laughs] It's all so delicious.
Sequoia: I like that he... I mean, he probably wears his leather jacket covered in studs to teach as well, I would assume.
Kim: Yeah. Of course he does.
Sequoia: That he always wears that jacket.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And gold chains.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And a pair of wraparound shades.
Kim: Is that a detail we're about to get?
Sequoia: His gold chains were swinging, and he had a cool pair of wraparound shades on his head.
Kim: [strained, elongating the 's'] Yes. [Sequoia exhales loudly] Yes.
Sequoia: [breathily] He looks amazing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Lavender and Parvati were giggling over him. [Kim blows a raspberry in disbelief, sending Sequoia into laughter] Hagrid is now the most crush-worthy teacher [Kim groans] because he went to America and came back hot! [chuckling as Kim chuckles, near crying]
Kim: That is a plot point that I have NEVER seen [Sequoia laughing] and I am so into it.
Sequoia: What? you don't you don't you're not always reading fanfiction where Hagrid comes back from America hot?
Kim: Hagrid is in so few fan fictions. [Sequoia laughs] And when he is and oh my God, when he is- the author, they're usually trying to replicate the terrible phonetic accent, making him even more incomprehensible.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: That is very difficult to read.
Kim: Do not do [wheezily] that!
Sequoia: Hermione thought that Hagrid was pretty hot [Kim scoffs] with his new look. [chuckles]
Kim: [chuckling] Kay.
Sequoia: [dramatically] But nothing could ever compare to her boy, Harry Potter, the boy who lived.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: She glanced over at him now. His black hair was sticking up in sharp ebony spikes [Kim snickers softly] like black crystals. [both chuckle]
Kim: Amazing. I am so here for whatever [Sequoia chuckles] this author is going to do to Harry and Hermione today. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: I think- His hair looks like an anime character.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: In my head at this point.
Kim: He looks like Ash Ketchum. [Sequoia busts out laughing]
Sequoia: I think-He's gonna... He might continue to [through chuckles] look like Ash Ketchum. [Kim giggles] Ebony spikes like black crystals.
Kim: Kay.
Sequoia: Precious gems [Kim hums] from a distant galaxy.
Kim: [uneasily] Ohh.
Sequoia: [sighs quietly] They're not just black crystals. They are [slowly] precious gems from a distant galaxy. [chuckling]
Kim: What does that [sings, breathily] mean?
Sequoia: His hair looks incredible. [both chuckle]
Kim: [singing] Harry's visage is unknowable and terrifying. [Sequoia laughs] Today.
Sequoia: Can Harry really be perceived? Like...
Kim: Not anymore! [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia: Only Hermione can really perceive Harry's crystalline hair [Kim chuckles] from a distant galaxy. His eyes gleamed behind his crystalline glasses. [Kim laughs]
Kim: I love how even his glasses are hot. [Sequoia bursts out laughing, then Kim groans] Oh, that's nothing, I love it.
Sequoia: His glasses are hot. [giggling].
Kim: And it's not that the glasses make him hot. It's the-.
Both: Glasses themselves.
Kim: Are hot.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Like he could take them off and [small, wheezy chuckle] the glasses would still be hot. [Sequoia laughing] Because he touched them.
Sequoia: Yeah. Everything Harry touches turns hot. [Kim yelps in laughter, making Sequoia chuckle] He's like King Midas. [both cackle]
Kim: Oh fuck.
Sequoia: The King Midas of hotness. [dissolves into chuckles].
Kim: [amusedly] Shit.
Sequoia: [trying to recover from laughing] Whew. His eyes were precious eyes, gemstone eyes.
Kim: Harry's of- made of rocks today? [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia: Yeah, he's- Wait a second. [both cackling] Is Harry just a pile of rocks?
Kim: Does Hermione need glasses?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Hermione's like, "Oh my god, Harry looks so hot today." And she's sort of looking over at him and looking over at him. And Harry's in a completely different direction. And Ron is like, "Hermione, why're you [amusedly, trying not to laugh] keep looking over at that pile of rocks?" [both chuckling] Whew. But they were not hard and cold and remote like gemstones.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They were soft and full of life, like a pebble.
Kim: Whoo. [audibly exhaling as Sequoia giggles]
Sequoia: Whew, I'm sorry. [Kim groan-exhales]
Kim: That's so nothing, I just like [audibly inhales, then sighs] got a surge of life energy. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I have goose bumps right now.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] That is so intensely nothing. Amazing!
Sequoia: Whoo! They were soft and full of life, like a pebble [Kim snickers] or a warm field in summer with deer frolicking in it. [both giggle] Not only has this author compared eyes to a warm field in summer with deer frolicking in it.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: But this author has just equated a pebble.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: And a warm field in summer with deer frolicking.
Kim: [groans] Oh my [pauses] god. These are maybe even... This description is maybe even more powerful than anything they accomplished in "Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt.".
Sequoia: Exactly. I think...
Kim: They went hard in that story, but this is...
Sequoia: This is another level.
Kim: [strained, but impressed] Yeah. Wow.
Sequoia: But Harry wasn't looking at Mione. He was dancing along in a private daydream. [both chuckle wheezily] What is that?!
Kim: Nothing! That's nothing.
Sequoia: You know that meme, where it's like the two people lying in bed next to each other.
Kim: Oh, uh-huh.
Sequoia: This feels a lot like that.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Where Hermione is like, "He's not looking at me. He's thinking of another girl." And he's like-
Kim: "I'm a literal pile of rocks." [Sequoia laughs] Not thinking about anything.
Sequoia: Or he's like, "Oh, man, I wonder where Hagrid got that jacket.".
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: "I wonder if I could get one of those jackets. Do they only sell those jackets in Los Angeles?"
Kim: "Do they only sell those jackets in-"
Sequoia: "Can you apparate to Los Angeles?".
Kim: "Giant size?" [Sequoia chuckling].
Sequoia: Yeah. "Do they have those in..."
Kim: Hagrid's wearing like an entire cow, also. [Sequoia laughing] Maybe like three cows.
Sequoia: Hagrid's wearing several leather jackets sewn together.
Kim: Oh? Ohh.
Sequoia: To become one large leather jacket.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That's got to be it. He looks incredible. [Sequoia laughs] I'm so happy for him. All right. What else is Hermione thinking about? [Sequoia chuckles] Let's get some more of whatever this is.
Sequoia: 'Mione sighed-.
Kim: Oh, there it is!
Sequoia: And shook her caramel tresses.
Kim: We hadn't gotten a 'Mione yet, had we?
Sequoia: Yes, we did.
Kim: Oh, okay. Well I blanked it out.
Sequoia: 'But Harry wasn't looking at 'Mione.'.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah, I blank it out at least 50% of the time, if not 100% of the time. [Kim hums] So, I get it. I understand.
Kim: Okay. So Hermione's hair is [dramatically, borderlining a pretentious posh accent] caramel today.
Sequoia: [in the same near obnoxious posh] Caramel. Caramel tresses.
Kim: I'm glad that she's still made of candy. [wheeze-laughs]
Sequoia: I mean, he's made of rocks, [Kim hums] she's made of candy. It's a match made in [dissolving into laughter] heaven. They're going to get together and have beautiful rock candy babies. [Kim laughs, Sequoia then joining]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Whew! She wished the boy would notice her. Not just as a friend, but really notice her. She was worried he would never love her.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: Hagrid showed them the field. Now we're back to the cool field of cool stuff.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Hagrid showed them the field, it was full of hippogriffs.
Kim: Okay, we did hippogriffs already, but I guess we'll do them again.
Sequoia: I mean...
Kim: It didn't go so well last time.
Sequoia: Yeah. Cool Hagrid...
Kim: Maybe, maybe some like actual care. Instead of just like, "This is an animal."
Sequoia: It's Care [Kim giggles softly] of Magical Creatures, not just Magical Creatures. [chuckles]
Kim: They do learn about how to care for flobberworms, I guess. But that's about... That's about... Well, and then how to get blasted. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean.
Kim: I'm back.
Sequoia: We don't really know how to care for blast ended skrewts. They just are winging it. [both chuckle]
Kim: I haven't read the book, let's continue.
Sequoia: Playing it by ear. It was a field full of hippogriffs. [Kim hums] Hermione smiled, she loved hippogriffs because they reminded her of the time she had ridden one under the full moon with Harry. It had been a lovely night. [Kim wheeze-giggles] She had pretended to be scared so she could hug Harry.
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: She's looking at the field full of hippogriffs.
Kim: That's going to get a yikes for me. [Sequoia chuckles wheezily]
Sequoia: And she's still just thinking about Harry.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Oh man.
Sequoia: Oh, what is... Okay. Hagrid's now got to talk in his cool new accent.
Kim: Can you do South- Southern Californian?
Sequoia: I don't think I can do it.
Kim: Do your best.
Sequoia: But I'm gonna try!
Kim: Best approximation, I believe in you.
Sequoia: [With elongated, sharp vowels, almost a Valley Girl accent] "'Kay, kids." Said Hagrid in his cool new accent. "Today, I'm going to teach you an important lesson about love."
Kim: That's pretty good.
Sequoia: "See-" Thank you.
Kim: It's pretty good. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: "See these hippogriffs here? Did you kids ever wonder where they come from?"
Kim: What? No. What? No. Is this a sex ed story? Sequoia!
Sequoia: [defensively] What? [Kim groans] You don't know what this story is going to be.
Kim: [doubtfully] Okay. [Sequoia laughs] When a mommy hippogriff-.
Both: Loves a daddy hippogriff. [Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: They mush their hybrid Chimera parts together. [Sequoia busts out laughing]
Sequoia: Nope, it's worse than that!
Kim: Oh no! [Sequoia laughs gleefully] That was already really bad.
Sequoia: There was lots of immature laughing. Ron snickered, [Kim scoffs] like a butthead. [Kim scoffs, almost blowing a raspberry, making Sequoia softly chuckle]
Kim: Butthead.
Sequoia: Got to get that Weasley bashing in.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Got to get it in! The Weasleys? Fuck them. [both laugh]
Kim: Like a butthead. Ron's such a butthead!
Sequoia: Butthead! [chuckles]
Kim: Real mature, [dissolving into giggles] Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione glared at him and he winked at her in a gross way. [Kim snickers, both laugh]
Kim: Ron existed in a nasty way. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: What a butthead! [both giggle] "Not like that," Hagrid said, blushing. "I mean, hippogriffs are a hybrid animal. Their mommy is a horse and their daddy is a griffin."
Kim: [softly] What?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [sassily] What?
Kim: That... [slightly strained] Okay, continue.
Sequoia: Their mommy is a horse and their daddy is a griffin.
Kim: [strained] Okay.
Sequoia: That's why they look like a horse griffin. [chuckles]
Kim: I hate that! [Sequoia laughs] Please continue.
Sequoia: I told you it was worse! [both laugh] "Did you ever think about why that is strange?" Hermione shot her hand in the air. She liked to act smart because it impressed her dear boy. [Kim stutters in the background] She was good at [trying not to laugh] acting smart.
Kim: [Stumbling over starting a sentence, Sequoia laughing] What? [stutters again] Acting smart?
Sequoia: You know...
Kim: Also, Harry does not like people [dissolving into wheezing giggles] who are acting smart. [Sequoia giggles] Harry doesn't give a shit. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: You know, when you [Kim laugh-cries], you pretend all smart?
Kim: [slightly strained] When you pretend to be smart? [Sequoia giggles]
Sequoia: But still happen to answer all the questions correctly. [Kim chuckles] Pretend...ly correctly [Kim cry-laughs, Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: Acting smart. [slightly strained] Oh, that's really good! [Sequoia laughs] Everything that Hermione does is a false pretense act [Sequoia giggles] to get Harry to like her. [deep inhale] Oh my goodness gracious.
Sequoia: Okay. Hermione shot her hand in the air. She's going to answer this question about why it's strange that horses and Griffins do it and then make a... [Kim scoffs] This is a question. This is a question that has been asked and she is going to answer it.
Kim: I think that was a rhetorical question. Okay. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: "The Griffin and the horse traditionally hate each other, Professor Hagrid," Hermione said straight away.
Kim: That's fine. Please continue- [Sequoia hums] I don't.
Sequoia: Okay. Oh, okay.
Kim: That's fine. I accept that. Why not?
Sequoia: Okay, sure.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: "Very good, Miss Granger," Hagrid said. "Therefore, the hippogriff is a symbol of the marriage between two creatures who hate each other. A symbol of impossible love. [Kim chuckles] A love that seems [trying not to laugh] impossible."
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughing] Is Hagrid okay? Are we sure this is a Harry-Hermione? This author seems to be actually writing a Dramione. [Sequoia cackles]
Sequoia: This author has decided that in this moment, err, Hermione thinks that Harry hates her romantically but likes her in friendship. [both laugh] I really don't know what's happening! [Kim cackles slightly] Hagrid is starting to short circuit, though.
Kim: He is. [both laugh]. He's not doing so well.
Sequoia: A symbol of impossible love. A love that seems impossible. Love not possible. [Kim scoffs] A love between two creatures that seems like maybe [Kim struggling to keep it together] it wouldn't work out, but it does."
Kim: Sequoia, are you fucking kidding me?
Sequoia: No. [chuckling] I am kidding. That was just me riffing.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs, Kim breathes deeply] Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: It does only say a symbol of a possible love. A love that seems impossible.
Kim: Look, here's the thing about this fanfiction: I bought it! [Sequoia laughing riotously] Like, yeah, that author would write that, what is happening? [both laugh].
Sequoia: Whoo! All right.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Mione gasped. In one moment, her heart went from feeling like a snowflake in a lonely blizzard.
Kim: Sorry. Can you give me that again?
Sequoia: Her heart went from feeling like a [speaking slowly] snowflake in a lonely [trying not to laugh] blizzard.
Kim: Kay.
Sequoia: To-.
Kim: [snorts] Sure.
Sequoia: Feeling like a marshmallow dunked in hot chocolate. [giggling].
Kim: That is quite [Sequoia gasping for air in the background after giggling so hard] a uhh shift [Sequoia laughs]. I feel like that'd be kind of overwhelming.
Sequoia: That's a big shift. You sort of start in a place where you're cold.
Kim: [sounding confused] Uh huh. .
Sequoia: You're sort of crowded.
Kim: [breathily] Uh huh.
Sequoia: There's kind of a lot happening.
Kim: [faintly] Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then you're candy again. [Kim cackles, Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: And you've melted.
Sequoia: And you have died. [both laugh] So... Wow.
Kim: [snickering] Shit.
Sequoia: She glanced at Harry shyly. [Kim scoffs] His green eyes reflected back at her.
Kim: Oh. The pile of rocks has shifted so that it's looking at Hermione. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: No, I think that maybe just the sun has moved a little bit.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: And now the glint is happening in a direction towards her. Yeah [both laugh] "Remember kids," Hagrid said with a big grin, showing his new capped teeth. He's wearing veneers now.
Kim: [hesitantly] Okay.
Sequoia: Because he went to L.A.-.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And everyone in L.A. wears veneers.
Kim: Okay. [chuckling] That's fine.
Sequoia: "Even if love seems impossible, sometimes it can work. That's the lesson of the Hippogriff." [Kim exhales loudly] I'm going to go ahead and point out right now that you did get a point.
Kim: I did.
Sequoia: The professor did [pausing]-
Kim: Give us a love lesson.
Sequoia: Teach the class a little about love. [chuckling].
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep. This is not what I was expecting! [Sequoia laughs] When I said that.
Sequoia: No? [chuckling]
Kim: Nope. [popping the 'p']
Sequoia: Weird. [laughs]
Kim: Nope, nope, nope.
Sequoia: The hippogriffs parted, and he showed them a chestnut horse, the color of 'Mione's hair.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: And a black griffin, the shiny color of [trying not to laugh] Harry's hair.
Kim: [enunciating the 't' heavily] What?
Sequoia: They nuzzled each other happily. Their chocolate eyes reflecting true love.
Kim: [unhappily] Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Everyone gasped. "But look." Hagrid said a baby hippogriff chick suddenly scampered out from behind them. It was fluffy, like a cross between a kitten and a duckling. [pauses] I'm trying to... I'm trying to... Are you trying to..? [Kim chuckles softly] Are you trying to mentally...? Why would it look like a chick?
Kim: Or a kitten.
Sequoia: Or a duckling? It's just a ball of fur. A ball of fur came scampering out-.
Kim: And feathers.
Both: Fur and feather-
Kim: -fluff.
Sequoia: Fur and feather fluff came scampering out. It was the cutest thing ever.
Kim: I was actually confused about why a combination of a griffin and a horse would look like a hippogriff. Because aren't griffins...?
Sequoia: Isn't a griffin like a bird-thing?
Kim: But it's also like a lion thing, isn't it?
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Yeah. It's half eagle, half lion.
Sequoia: Huh. Yeah.
Kim: So Griffin's are half eagle, half lion.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And when you combine them with a horse, you get half eagle, half...
Both: Horse?
Kim: And the lion part goes away?
Sequoia: It's canceled out? [chuckles softly].
Kim: Is this like if you if you cross a mermaid with a minotaur and you just get a regular dude? [chuckles, Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I think probably [chuckling with Kim] in that same vein. Oh my god.
Kim: Alright.
Sequoia: It was the cutest thing ever. 'Mione squeed and squeed when she saw it. [Kim snickers]
Kim: She squeed.
Sequoia: "Squee!" [laughs]
Kim: Aha, what fucking year is it man?
Sequoia: [aggressively] It's 2006!
Kim: It's 2006! [both laugh]
Sequoia: It was the best class ever. Everyone liked the new Hagrid.
Kim: Yeah, because he didn't make them get too close to the [chuckling] hippogriffs.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know that they've had... The lesson was: look at this field of hippogriffs. Look at those two animals that are in love and made a baby. You may all leave now. [chuckling] Class dismissed.
Kim: Honestly? Not a bad, not the worst care magical creatures lesson.
Sequoia: Nope! [laughs] It is a step up.
Kim: I love that they went the extra step and had the fucking Griffin look like Harry and the horse look like Hermione. That's- What is that?
Sequoia: Beautiful.
Kim: [strained] I don't know what that is!
Sequoia: It's beautiful.
Kim: Alright.
Sequoia: And perfect.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Is what it is. [both chuckle] After class, 'Mione shyly walked towards Harry.
Kim: Cause you know that the appeal of the Harry slash Hermione [hesitating] ship. Which I will admit I do not understand, [Sequoia laughs] is sort of... It's friends to lovers.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: It is NOT-.
Sequoia: Enemies.
Kim: Rivals.
Sequoia: To lovers? Yeah.
Kim: Any of that.
Sequoia: But the fic has already established that they're friends.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So this is friends to lovers. But in, but Hermione has this thing happening...
Sequoia: Hermione has this like [chuckles]. She's projecting her thoughts about Harry on to everything she sees and hears, [Sequoia laughs] right? That's what's happening?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Mostly a pile of rocks.
Kim: Hagrid's like, "These creatures are in love." And Hermione is like "I'm in love. [Sequoia laughs, Kim chuckles] Like me!"
Sequoia: [chuckling] "They're just like me!" [both laugh].
Kim: Alright. Alright! I like it. This is nothing!
Sequoia: "So, what did you think of today's lesson?" She asked. Harry grinned. "It was fantastic!"
Kim: [whispering] No it wasn't.
Kim: "What do you think about [pausing] impossible love?" [both snicker] She asked, [Kim laughing wheezily] gulping shyly. [chuckles as Kim croaks of laughter in the back] Harry just smiled. "Do you think it could happen in all our lives, Harry?" [silence for a second, Kim quickly chuckles] I don't get- what about their love is impossible? Like I don't-
Kim: Absolutely nothing about their love is impossible.
Sequoia: -Get it.
Kim: Other than the fact that Harry does not see Hermione that way. [Sequoia laughs] And Hermione does not see [Sequoia laughing] Harry that way, normally. [chuckles]
Sequoia: "Well, I'll have to talk to Ginny," Harry said.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: "GINNY?!!!?" Her- 'Mione. Sorry, I almost said Hermione.
Kim: Oops.
Sequoia: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. 'Mione gasped, thinking of the tramp's [Kim inhales softly] ugly face.
Kim: [in a sing-song cheer] Yes! [Sequoia cheers] Got there!
Sequoia: Got it, got it, got it! Okay.
Kim: Wasn't sure we were going to get there.
Sequoia: I was reading this fanfiction. I got to that moment.
Kim: Mmhmm.
Sequoia: Immediately scrolled up, clicked on the author because when it was sent to me, [Kim hums] the sender didn't mention that it was the same author.
Kim: They may not have noticed.
Sequoia: So I didn't- So they might have noticed. Yeah. So I went into it not knowing that.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And then saw tramp and was like-.
Kim: You got that far before you were like, "This feels familiar."
Sequoia: [chuckling] Yeah, it was- it was the tramp that really got me. [Kim chuckles] And then I was like, "No, this has got to be. It's got to be!".
Kim: So funny that we opened this episode being like, "Should we cool it on the callbacks?" And this [heavily emphasizing] whole [Sequoia cackles] story needs you to have listened to Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt-.
Sequoia: No it doesn't.
Kim: To get anything that we are talking about.
Sequoia: Nuh-uh.
Kim: You and me...?
Sequoia: I highly disagree.
Kim: You and me? [Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: We are stupid.
Kim: Oops!
Sequoia: [exhales noisily, trying to find her spot in the text] "Ginny?".
Kim: The tramp!
Sequoia: The tramp! [both giggle] 'Mione gasped thinking of the tramp's ugly face. [Kim giggles] Her heart fell out of her chest, fell through her feet, fell through the ground, fell through the earth.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Fell through Australia. [Kim laughs, Sequoia chuckling] Fell through the atmosphere, fell through space, and landed in the sun.
Kim: Ohhhhh...
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: That's a big feel.
Kim: Hermione...
Sequoia: That's a really big feel, my dude.
Kim: Angst, tragedy. [Sequoia laughing] Where's the tragedy tag?
Sequoia: Yeah, this feels pretty damn tragic to me- her heart just fell into the sun. [exhales loudly] Huh. "Just kidding Mione!" Harry laughed. His ebony spikes, catching the sunlight like a glorious halo as he grinned devilishly. [Kim groans] "I love you!"
Kim: Wooo!
Sequoia: [laughing] Woo! Do you feel...? Do you feel disoriented?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Do you feel like we are- you look like [Kim wheeze-chuckles slightly] you just walked off of a [laughing] roller coaster.
Kim: [strained] Yeah!
Sequoia: Kim looks like she might fall over, there's some like-.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Grasping.
Kim: What was that?
Sequoia: What? His hair or what he said?
Kim: What he said!
Sequoia: "Just kidding! I love you! [Kim wheezes] JK lols. Why would I even like that tramp Ginny?"
Kim: [sing-song] Tramp! [Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: I do really like that his ebony spikes catch the sunlight like glorious halo though.
Kim: Yeah, really good. Because he's shining the light of his love on her.
Sequoia: And then her heart fell out of the sun. [Kim chuckles] And through Australia. And- no, it didn't. He smiled with his emerald green eyes flashing, and they grabbed hands and ran up to a hippogriff. [Kim chuckles] Okay.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: This is where the story goes [strained] off the rails.
Kim: Excuse me? [Sequoia laughs] Look, okay. No, wait. We need to pull back the curtain a little bit. You have a second story on our episode outline?
Sequoia: Well, this is only, like, 900 words, I didn't think it was going to take this fucking long, my dude!
Kim: Well! [Sequoia chuckling] You should have known better!
Sequoia: I should have known better, this is too glorious. [Kim cackles] Too glorious to pair anything with, I know, I know. [exhales loudly] Okay. There's like four sentences left.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And this is when it goes off the rails.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So they grabbed hands, they run off to a hippogriff, they're in love. Hagrid saw what happened, gave a big smile and started singing 'What's New Pussycat,' in a melodious baritone voice. [chuckles softly]
Kim: Hoooo [in confusion, as Sequoia laughs]-What?
Sequoia: Guess what's [singing] going on the playlist. [singing 'What's New Pussycat' by Tom Jones] Whoa, whoa, whoa! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh no! Okay.
Sequoia: The class joined in.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Harry and Hermione laughed happily and climbed on Buckbeak. Which is the- I guess they ran up to Buckbeak, not a random hippogriff. A hippogriff, that was Buckbeak.
Kim: Who is here?
Sequoia: Who's here.
Kim: Somehow.
Sequoia: The class was happy. Ron was jealous. But who cares what Ron thinks?
Kim: [uneasily] Uh-huh.
Sequoia: Harry and Minnie ignored him. They jumped on and flew away into the beautiful, glittering sunset [Kim chuckles] to get some privacy. So class is happening at sunset.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And the whole class is singing 'What's New Pussycat,' serenading them mind you with-.
Kim: As they fly-.
Sequoia: 'What's New Pussycat' as they fly-
Kim: Away.
Sequoia: Away. Into the sunset on Buckbeak. [pauses] The end.
Kim: The end, okay. [Sequoia laughs, Kim chuckles] That-.
Sequoia: Yes indeed.
Kim: -Was that.
Sequoia: It was [pauses] that.
Kim: I think I got-.
Both: Two points.
Sequoia: You did.
Kim: From that-
Sequoia: Mm hmm.
Kim: Experience.
Sequoia: I'm impressed.
Kim: This story was nothing.
Sequoia: And incredible.
Kim: And incredible.
Sequoia: Absolutely beautiful.
Kim: Thank you to the listeners who sent this to Sequoia and I.
Sequoia: Mhmm. Thank you.
Kim: You were correct.
Sequoia: You were correct. [both chuckling] Oh, all right.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So you got two points, we can move on into a segment. It's time for-
Both: A quick fics. [hissing the 's']
Kim: Speaking of stories that were sent to Sequoia and I, [Sequoia chuckles] let's say specifically.
Sequoia: Mhmm.
Kim: Like each of us got the submission, and it came to me and it came to Sequoia. And unfortunately, unlike with Love Lessons, we had [singing] both read this other one.
Sequoia: Yes, unfortunately. Because it is also a masterpiece.
Kim: So we're instead going to use it as a quick fic! This story is extremely powerful. [Sequoia laughs] Thank you to-
Sequoia: Lauren and another person.
Kim: And an anonymous...
Sequoia: And an anonymous user.
Kim: User. I can't believe! Okay, so- no wait, no wait, no wait. You were originally planning to pair this story with the experience we just had?
Sequoia: [strained] Yeah.
Kim: Were you trying to kill me? [Sequoia laughs] You were just going to spring-
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. We need to talk about the story.
Sequoia: Okay. And then-.
Kim: And then I'm going to yell at you for trying [Sequoia laughs] to spring this on me.
Sequoia: This story is the pairing is Great Hall ceiling slash Fountain of Magical Brethren.
Kim: [confusion noises] Whah-p-p-p-p.
Sequoia: [groaning]
Kim: Huh, ha, haha. [Sequoia laughs] Excuse me. [chuckling]
Sequoia: This story starts out with McGonagall going to Albus Dumbledore and being like, "Hey, the ceiling in the Great Hall is just like, raining on all of us."
Kim: "It will not stop raining."
Sequoia: "It will not stop raining.".
Kim: "It's sad." [laughs].
Sequoia: And yeah. And Dumbledore is like... And of course, McGonagall is, like, "The only person who can fix it is you. Dumbledore."
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And naturally. And Dumbledore is like, "Okay, here's the thing. The Great Hall ceiling is very sad because the love of its life is dead. [Kim scoffs out a laugh] And I am the one that destroyed the love of its life."
Kim: Mhmm.
Sequoia: "So if I go in there, I will likely get struck by lightning. [Kim chuckles] So I am not going to fix it and we are just not going to enter the Great Hall again until it stops crying." [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: Uh huh. And then we get into it with the Great Hall's perspective.
Kim: As you do.
Sequoia: It's crying because it could never regret the nights of passion [Kim chuckles] it shared with its beloved fountain. It knows that it never will never again encounter an artifact of magical artistry worthy of its own greatness. [Kim chuckling] Love is dead. Etc., etc..
Kim: You know, the ceiling is such a cool, magical, powerful artifact. And the Fountain of Magical Brethren [Sequoia chuckles] is just like this cheesy, propagandistic piece of work in the Ministry of Magic! They are on such... Like the ceiling deserves so much better, [Sequoia laughs] I think.
Sequoia: Yeah. No, that's, that's fair. That's fair. When the fountain finally comes to Hogwarts to meet the ceil- cause they're exchanging letters [Kim snickers] first.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Because the ceiling has heard about this. This great, magical piece of artistry and is like, "Yo, I want to hit that up." [Kim scoffs] And so- [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: They send them a letter.
Sequoia: And so they send them a letter. They get a student to transcribe.
Kim: [understandingly] Ahh.
Sequoia: And they form clouds into words.
Kim: Ahh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Sequoia: In the ceiling. And then the student transcribes and then an owl takes it to the statue. So they- then the statue is like, "Hey, I can move. So like, I could come see you." [Kim chuckles breathily] And the Great Hall ceiling is stoked on it. And then the ceiling- I'll just read this portion. The ceiling had at first been disappointed to discover the fountain's rather inferior artistic execution.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: Well, we couldn't all be pure mirrors of the natural beauty of the skies, after all.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And the fountain had soon proved that even though its exterior was a bit gaudy, its magical construction was beyond compare. And that's what really mattered, wasn't it?
Kim: Oh, so I'm the asshole here.
Sequoia: You're the asshole here because you are [both laugh] judging a book by its cover and- [both still laughing].
Kim: Well, good to know.
Sequoia: This is really a tragic love story.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And they...
Kim: Because the fountain does die.
Sequoia: Because the fountain does die. Dumbledore does explode it while fighting Voldemort. So the ceiling is like, "Yeah, I get it. I understand why this happened. And, you know, like, really fighting Voldemort is like, a good thing that I am behind as a ceiling. I support the anti-Voldemort movement. But I am still sad about this happening."
Kim: This terrible loss-.
Sequoia: It's a terrible loss.
Kim: That happened in book five that this author latched on to.
Sequoia: [cracking up into giggles] Yes.
Kim: This, THIS is the death from book five that really...
Sequoia: That really got to this author.
Kim: That really needed to be highlighted. [both laugh] That's such a choice.
Sequoia: Yeah. I do want to read one more one more line here.
Kim: Go ahead.
Sequoia: Together, they had discovered ways to merge their magical essences. Tentatively at first, [Kim chuckles] but then more and more deeply, until the ceiling found an ecstasy it had never thought possible. [Kim chuckling] Woo!
Kim: Woo- woo!
Both: Woo! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: What is better than, like, metaphysical, magical sex? [Sequoia busts out laughing]
Sequoia: What's better than that? [laughing]
Kim: [slowly, emphasizing each word] What is better than that?
Sequoia: Whoooh boy. So...
Kim: Somebody please tell me. [Sequoia laughs] There's got to be something.
Sequoia: Night water.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: So, that's the story.
Kim: How does it end? Can you remind me?
Sequoia: The ceiling keenly regretted that now it would never have a memorial of its beloved, except the tears it now cried their liquid essence a reminder of the Fountain of Magical Brethren's watery jets. [Kim scoffs] The end.
Kim: This story is very powerful. [Sequoia giggles] I think you, the listener, will find a link to it in the description of this episode-.
Sequoia: Oh you will, you absolutely will.
Kim: Because it is well, so powerful and you probably need to read it.
Sequoia: You definitely need to read. For sure, for sure, for sure.
Kim: Because y'know, we regret fucking this up a little bit. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah, thank you, thank you to the people who sent it to us. And yes, I was about to pair this [pauses] with what I just read to you.
Kim: Were you trying. [Sequoia laughs] To kill me? Live on air? Not live. [chuckles].
Sequoia: This is not live!
Kim: Retroactively on air?
Sequoia: Great question. No, but I was aware that it might [chuckling] be a side effect. [both laugh]
Kim: It is a risk you are willing to take, though, wasn't it?
Sequoia: A risk I was willing to take, so. [chuckles]
Kim: Welp.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: This podcast is over. No, it's not.
Sequoia: Nope. It's time for a new segment, [Kim chuckles breathily] is what it is. It's time for:.
Both: The Rec Zone! [airhorn mouth noises]
Sequoia: I have a recommendation for you today, called 'A Tuck in the Hospital Wing.' This was also sent in by Lauren. Thank you so much, Lauren, for sending this in.
Kim: Killing it!
Sequoia: It is a missing scene style fanfiction.
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: From the end of Order of the Pheonix, where Ron and Hermione are in the hospital wing and they discuss Harry's 'Saving People' thing.
Kim: Oh, okay!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [whinily, incredulous] "Have you been talking about me behind my back?" [Sequoia laughs] Yes, Harry. Because [emphasizing every word] you need help!
Sequoia: You need help.
Kim: We love you.
Sequoia: You need help. [popping th 'p'] It's very good.
Kim: That sounds awesome.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's very, very good. So a link to that will be in the description of this episode. It will also be on our website.
Kim: Also on our website, you can find our submission form. We messed up the submissions a little bit today, [Sequoia chuckles] but keep sending us that good, good shit. We'll try to behave better. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: You can also find links to our merch. There is merch on our website- you can get a Rose Willow Black bookmark, you can get 'Yes Glitter.' You can also get the link to our T public where there is a bunch of other stuff!
Kim: Right. If you want to send us your carrot times. [Sequoia laughs] Be sure to tweet them at us. We are at Fanatical Fics on all the soc' med's. [pronounced: sOsh meeds]
Sequoia: You can also send us an email with any longer thoughts you might have. Your 'Hold for the End Pleases,' your OCs, your general thoughts. Our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: If you like this podcast, you want to help it out. There are a few ways you can do that. Way number one: drop us a review on Apple Podcasts, Facebook, any... As- you know. You know, you know the bit.
Sequoia: You know the bit.
Kim: Anywhere that will accept a review.
Sequoia: Anywhere that will accept a review, your neighbor's mailbox, your friend's text messages, etc.
Kim: Etc.
Sequoia: You can also go support us on Patreon. We have a discord where we do a lot of fun meetups and writing competitions. We have bonus episodes, bonus live streams, we have exclusive merch, all kinds of stuff over there on Patreon. Also on Patreon at certain tiers, if you support us for six months, we will give you a shout out on the podcast with a little story summary that Kim is going to [emphasizing each word] read right now. Go.
Kim: This one's actually a summary.
Sequoia: Oh, it's not a fan fiction?
Kim: It's not a really long fan fiction. [both chuckle] What? The Wizarding Community is still reeling from the aftershocks of the second Voldemort war. Neville Longbottom fights on, having found himself in charge of organizing the aid group that Dumbledore's Army has become. Pansy Parkinson hangs on, having just barely cleared her name of her associations with the Death Eaters. But what will happen when these two most unlikely of allies are thrown together by a new threat? [Sequoia gasps] Killer, mutant bunnies?!
Sequoia: [busts out laughing] Yeah, gonna to need that now. [Kim snickers] Shout out to Katherine Warner, Pam, Aaron Moony Ham, Flavy Molina, Amelie McBride, Matt Shribe and Lexi Bearclaw.
Kim: Your support means so so so much to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thanks to the rest of you as well. But also thanks to.
Both: The Whomping Willows!
Kim: For letting us use their song WolfStar as our theme song. [drawn out] Bye!
Sequoia: [in a warbling voice] Bye! [singing] What's new, pussycat? [Kim laughing] Whoa, whoa, whoa.