Episode 102: Hogwart's Marriage (Part 1)
Recommendation: History Lessons
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Transcriber: Jessica
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: I don't know why… that having your face here is so jarring? [Sequoia laughs] Maybe if I could like, put, like, a frame around your face…
Sequoia: Around my face?
Kim: It would make me feel…
Sequoia: So it looked a little bit more computery?
Kim: Yeah. Can you act like there's more of a delay between us?
Sequoia: [long pause] Yeah!
Kim: Okay! That's helping, I think. [Sequoia laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Episode a hundred and two of our Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: I didn't look it up, but I know time periodwise it has been just a little over a year since we recorded in the same space together.
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: So here we are!
Kim: In the same space.
Sequoia: In the same space.
Kim: In the same room.
Sequoia: Episode a hundred and two. Looking at each other's real life faces.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Fully vaccinated. Go get those vaccines.
Kim: We did! We did the thing, we avoided each other, we got vaccinated, and now we are reaping the rewards of… breathing the same air. [both laugh] Oh, is that a reward? Hard to say.
Sequoia: Uh, we'll see! [chuckles] Only time will tell.
Kim: Great!
Sequoia: Well, we do have a quick announcement.
Kim: Yeah, we do.
Sequoia: We just have one… well, no, this could be as long of an announcement as we feel like it being! Because here's the thing. We've got some new merchandise hitting the TeePublic store.
Kim: We certainly do.
Sequoia: It's there now. So go look at it.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: What did we… what did we get?
Kim: We decided that we wanted… I wanted… [Sequoia laughs] we were like, well, we have the opportunity to commission some merch. What do we want? And I said, I want some art of Blaise and Zach and also of Blaise. And so let's do that.
Sequoia: And that's what we did. [Kim laughs] So we have Blaise and Zach doing their final bow at the Hogwarts Drama Club inaugural musicale. And then we also have some art of Blaise in their whole Look What You Made Me Do get up. [both chuckle]
Kim: I'm so excited about… you know, I feel like we should, like, do some research, or ask you all what you want. But we don't do that.
Sequoia: We don't.
Kim: We keep just making merch for ourselves.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Just like we keep making this podcast for ourselves.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Is that good business practice?
Sequoia: Probably not.
Kim: I wouldn't know, I've never done a business.
Sequoia: Probably not.
Kim: So… but I'm definitely gonna get some of this cool merch!
Sequoia: I am also gonna get some of it.
Kim: That makes it worth it, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm excited. I'm excited to get some of this cool merch.
Kim: Hells yeah.
Sequoia: We did commission it from our friend Alex yet again, who does a good portion of our merchandise designs. And…
Kim: She's incredible.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: And we're very excited about these designs. [chuckles]
Sequoia: She just really captured what we were going for as far as Blaise and Zach were concerned in… in the Hogwarts Drama Club musicale, heretofore unnamed musical. [laughs]
Kim: Check that out. The link to our TeePublic is on our website.
Sequoia: Mhm. I think that's it.
Kim: That can be it.
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: That can be it. We can just do this. I have been… I found this story a long time ago, because we did a bunch of other stuff and, you know, took a break and whatnot. And I have been holding this story in for so long that it's been kind of eating away at me? [Sequoia laughs] It also…
Sequoia: I know! You brought it up to me several times.
Kim: I had… I think I had this one before we did ninety nine. And I wanted to use it, but it needed a fairly substantial grammar edit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: So I wasn't feeling up to it for that one, but it's ready now. This poor story. It did need quite the grammar edit. This one… the poor author, obviously very very young.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: It had, like, tense changes.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: It has POV changes for no apparent reason.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: We switched through first and second... no, first and third person, but there was like a couple sentences of second person thrown in there. [Sequoia laughs] And I was like, this is not okay. The poor author seems to only know “but” as a conjunction.
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: Which is difficult.
Sequoia: Nice. But.
Kim: So this one got a very heavy grammar edit, and I'm excited [singing] to read it to you now that it's ready for me to read with my mouth.
Sequoia: I'm excited to read it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I mean, read it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I'm excited to hear it…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …read to me…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …by you.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because you haven't shut up about it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: In several weeks.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: It's really good. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Now that we've hyped it up, are we ready to do predictions?
Kim: Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: On the hype train.
Kim: Let's do three predictions based on our three clues. [Sequoia sighs] Clue number one is the title. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no. Giggled with the title.
Kim: The title is Hogwart’s Marriage. And I'm gonna give you…
Sequoia: [strainedly] Augh!
Kim: I'm gonna… I don't know if this helps or not. “Hogwart’s” is apostrophe S.
Sequoia: Hogwarts’s…
Kim: Possessive. Maybe. [Sequoia giggles] Hogwarts is marriage? Probably not that. Hogwart’s Marriage.
Sequoia: Hogwart’s… so is it Hogwarts with an apostrophe on the end? Or Hogwart’s?
Kim: Hogwart apostrophe S.
Sequoia: Hogwart apostrophe S.
Kim: Marriage. Hogwart’s Marriage.
Sequoia: [laughs] That does not help.
Kim: Yeah, I know.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: That's why I clarified it.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you.
Kim: The genre is romance and humor.
Sequoia: Of course it is. [whispering] Of course it is.
Kim: And the time period is [chuckling] Post Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: [whispers] Fuck you.
Kim: Post Order of the Phoenix!
Sequoia: That doesn't…! [laughs]
Kim: No? Does the time period not actually help?
Sequoia: I think the time period only helps for stories that may or may not include Luna Lovegood. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: I think that's a… that's about where it ends. Okay. Well…
Kim: Hogwart’s Marriage.
Sequoia: Here we go. Remember everybody to send in your predictions. Tweet them at us, hashtag #FanficDivination, answer our story on Instagram, or scream them out towards the moon at midnight.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: Okay. Prediction number one is that this is a story where when wizards reach a certain age, they are assigned a marriage partner.
Kim: [laughs] So, but… okay.
Sequoia: Are we just gonna have to… are we gonna have to talk about that later?
Kim: I think so.
Sequoia: Okay. Prediction number two: there is going to be a mass wedding at Hogwarts, where more than two couples will get married at the same time.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And then Prediction number three is that one of the couples will be Dramione.
Kim: All right! We may have to… oh, man. Okay, interesting!
Sequoia: Ohohoho!
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: All we needed was for me to get back in the studio.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: To get my game back.
Kim: Getcha head in the game! [Sequoia chuckles] I'm not gonna read the chapter title for this one. I think it's better as a surprise.
Sequoia: [whispering] Excellent.
Kim: Hogwart’s Marriage. [laughs] Oh, man. My name is Hermione Granger. I'm in my sixth year, and I attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Sequoia: Good. Good. Good. [chuckles] Yeah.
Kim: This is all good. Good to get this exposition!
Sequoia: Gotta set the scene, gotta set the scene.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Oh, sure, she goes to Hogwarts. Okay, great. Now I’m in it.
Kim: My two best friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, often say that I'm too smart for my own good, but let's just move past that.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is written for someone who has never read Harry Potter before. And also…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Ooh, also, I love that we can just move past that.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: They’re setting a tone for Hermione.
Kim: They are, they are.
Sequoia: What’s Hermoine like in this story?
Kim: She’s…
Sequoia: She's a little bit… she's a little bit sassy.
Kim: Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: She's got a little bit of an attitude.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I like that for her.
Kim: And she goes to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Sequoia: And she is in sixth year and she does have two best friends named Harry and Ron.
Kim: I love… I love when they, like, try to set the scene and like, what… they try to figure out what information would be relevant. You know?
Sequoia: Yeah. [chuckles]
Kim: Like when a fanfic author tries to provide exposition and it's just kind of a weird space, because fanfiction is like…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You're generally understood to have read the source material, so it's weird to be doing exposition at all. [Sequoia laughs] Right?
Sequoia: And exposition like, she goes to Hogwarts…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Kim: If you haven't read Harry Potter, that's not gonna be a helpful sentence. But you know, that's fine, that’s fine. I walked into the greenhouse alone. Harry and Ron were still in the Great Hall eating breakfast, while I had gotten to class early.
Sequoia: Classic Hermione! [chuckles]
Kim: Honestly? Yes. Also, classic Ron and Harry!
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, really classic Hermione would be her sitting… standing there going, come on!
Kim: Yeah, actually…
Sequoia: Let’s go!
Kim: No, yeah, you're right.
Sequoia: We need to go to class.
Kim: Guys, stop eating!
Sequoia: But this Hermione’s got a little bit of ‘tude…
Kim: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: And she’s just like, all right, you guys sit in here.
Kim: Keep eating.
Sequoia: Keep eating.
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: I’ll get to class early.
Sequoia: I’ll just move past that. [both chuckle]
Kim: I noticed Professor McGonagall and Sprout were there. Everything was moved and all the chairs were spread out into rows. The potted plants were moved outside.
Sequoia: Oh, we not… we're not doing Herbology today.
Kim: We’re not doing class.
Sequoia: We're doing…
Kim: We're not doing class.
Sequoia: …arranged marriages. [both laugh]
Kim: Or are we?
Sequoia: What’s happening!?
Kim: "Professor, what are you doing?" McGonagall jumped back, startled, her hand clinging to her shirt. Augh!
Sequoia: Granger!
Kim: Granger! [Sequoia laughs] When did you get here? Get out!
Sequoia: It's a surprise.
Kim: Whatever they're doing!
Sequoia: It’s a surprise.
Kim: Don't look! Sprout looked surprised, but then McGonagall's lips formed a small smile. “You'll see.” I grinned slightly.
Sequoia: Tee hee hee!
Kim: Why is Hermione…? Okay, Hermione’s like, tee hee!
Sequoia: Hermione and McGonagall are both like, tee hee! Tee hee!
Kim: Hermione doesn’t know what's about to happen at her!
Sequoia: No. [laughs] She just thinks it's fun to have an inside joke with a teacher, because they’re like friends.
Kim: She doesn't, though. McGonagall has an inside joke with Sprout, and Hermione’s there.
Sequoia: Yeah, but she thinks she's part of the inside joke.
Kim: She’s not! [chuckles]
Sequoia: She's inserting herself into the inside joke.
Kim: “You'll see,'' says McGonagall. “I'll be back in a second,” she said, while walking out the door, Professor Sprout following. So they just fucking leave.
Sequoia: Okay. They left her in here. Is she gonna do some investigating?
Kim: No. Soon all the other students were gathering, and both professors were still gone.
Sequoia: They're changing! They’re… they have to do a costume change, for the… [laughs]
Kim: That’s not what they’re doing. That’s not what they’re doing.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: And this is a sentence I could not figure out how to fix. Here we go. I saw Ron and Harry eloped into a crowd.
Sequoia: Enveloped by the crowd?
Kim: Maybe?
Sequoia: Maybe
Kim: Or…
Sequoia: Or…
Kim: We’re getting started on the Hogwarts marriage.
Sequoia: They eloped into the… yeah! [both laugh]
Kim: Harry and Ron eloped.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm gonna… I'm gonna stick with Harry and Ron eloped.
Kim: Yeah, I thought it was…
Sequoia: That’s better.
Kim: I thought it was on point enough that I didn't attempt to fix it. [Sequoia laughs] All right, Hermione sees Harry and Ron elope into a crowd. …but finally pushed my way through and caught up with them.
Sequoia: Everybody's crowded around.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: All the plants are outside.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: We're wondering what's happening.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The professors are nowhere to be found because they're doing a costume change. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. I mean, that could be it, sure.
Sequoia: There's a pair… there's gonna be a big announcement.
Kim: Yeah there is.
Sequoia: Gotta get ready for the announcement.
Kim: We sat down next to each other. I noticed that Lavender and Parvati were there, but also Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini.
Sequoia: Great. Okay, so is this just…
Kim: So instead of Herbology with the Hufflepuffs, they're having Herbology with the Slytherins, if this is Herbology still, which it's not exactly.
Sequoia: It seems like it's an announcement to take place in the greenhouses during the class time that would usually be Gryffindor and Hufflepuffs do Herbology, but it's just a random group of people.
Kim: It's not random!
Sequoia: It's not random.
Kim: It's the Gryffindors and the Slytherins.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, okay. [chuckles] Weird.
Kim: Why are….? Okay, well, I think we'll probably have to talk about why this particular thing is happening in Herbology later, but we'll get to that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: Nice. Lavender and Parvati are there, as well as Pansy and Blaise. Usually, our only inter-house lesson with the Slytherins was Potions. Of course I minded. Parkinson hated my guts, and to have her breathing down my neck made me a bit paranoid.
Sequoia: [laughs] Punch her!
Kim: [laughs] This Hermione…
Sequoia: This Hermione has got some ‘tude and I love it. Also is Pansy just like, in Potions, breathing heavily behind Hermione at all times? [laughs]
Kim: That’s not weird at all! Pansy? Pansy? What are you doing?
Sequoia: Pansy, stop breathing so close to me!
Kim: Most everybody was getting a bit rowdy, so when McGonagall and Sprout finally came, I sighed in relief.
Sequoia: [laughs] These children.
Kim: This is so classic. Hermione’s, like, getting a little nervous like, everyone just settle down, stop talking! You know they're just talking.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. They're… they're… well, they're talking… they're also doing that thing where they're like, oh, man, if the professor's fifteen minutes late to class I think that means we get to leave.
Kim: We get to leave, right? [laughs] Oh no. McGonagall walked to the front of the room. I noticed Malfoy leaning back in his chair, smirking.
Sequoia: Why does he know what's going on?
Kim: He's just… he… that's just how his face looks.
Sequoia: Oh okay, okay.
Kim: He doesn't know what's going on.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: No one knows what’s going on.
Sequoia: That makes more sense. [laughs]
Kim: But me. I know what's going on.
Sequoia: You are also smirking and leaning back in your chair. So…
Kim: What? He'd definitely changed over the summer, though.
Sequoia: No he didn’t!
Kim: His blond hair…
Kim: Fuck!
Kim: …was in gelled spikes…
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes!
Kim: …but it caught this certain elegance that caused the girls to swoon.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh yes, an elegance!
Kim: No it fucking didn't.
Sequoia: An elegance!
Kim: No it fucking… it fucking didn’t. ‘Cause gelled spikes…
Sequoia: Were elegant! [laughs]
Kim: Gelled spikes, what the fuck does that look like? I gotta think back to 2004. I don't think elegance is the word that I would have used, even in 2004. And I don't really know how to say this, but his face was less pointy?
Sequoia: [laughing] Wha… he got some, he got some botox…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: …over the… over the summer.
Kim: His face filled out a little bit.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was… oh, yeah.
Kim: It was puberty. It was…
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim: He had a puberty.
Sequoia: It’s always puberty, no matter what age you are. [laughs]
Kim: Okay, I don’t think that's true, but fine. Malfoy had a puberty and now he's less pointy. [Sequoia laughs] Apparently.
Sequoia: Hermione’s into that.
Kim: Okay, I guess you could say he's hott. Spelled with two Ts.
Sequoia: Yesuh!
Kim: But that doesn't mean I like him.
Sequoia: Excuse me?
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: [laughs] I guess you'd say that he's hot, but we're just gonna leave that. I'm just gonna…
Kim: We’ll just move past that.
Sequoia: We're just gonna… we’re gonna move past that!
Kim: I would never think Draco's hot. How did you get Dramione out of this, you piece of shit?
Sequoia: I'm so happy. I am so happy. [both laugh] Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Kim: Fuckin’ Dramione.
Sequoia: His hair is elegant.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: His voice… his voice?
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: His face is roundier.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: And now he's hot.
Kim: Hot-t-t-t-t.
Sequoia: And she's into it. [whispering] Are they gonna boink probably?
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: McGonagall cleared her throat and my gaze turned back at her. "Good morning. Most of you have already noticed the change in the scenery, but I have an explanation. Professor Dumbledore has asked me to organize having sixth years take our [enunciating each word] Home. Economics. Class.”
Sequoia: [gasps] Aaahhh! [squeals] [laughs] Oh! Oh!
Kim: Woohoo!
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: Do you feel that?
Sequoia: Oh, I feel it!
Kim: Do you feel it?
Sequoia: I feel it coursing through my veins. I feel it radiating off of my body.
Kim: Gives me like whole body tingles. How exciting that is.
Sequoia: I have goosebumps.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I… just, like, a cold shiver went down my spine…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …as soon as you said home…
Both: [whispering] …economics. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fucking incredible. They're gonna have to raise a baby together!
Kim: I dunno, are they?!
Sequoia: Jesus Christ, I'm so excited! [both laugh]
Kim: Whoo. “Every day, instead of your normally scheduled Herbology lessons, you will be instructed on baby care and marriage."
Sequoia: I love… okay. Okay. There's a lot to unpack there. Okay, okay. [laughs]
Kim: Yup, yup, yup.
Sequoia: Okay, thing number one.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Why are we replacing Herbology with this class? That’s fucked up, man! [laughs] Just, like, add another class or like, like… they’re just… the devaluation of Herbology in this scenario is…
Kim: Yeah, why is this happening in Herbology? Somebody tell me why!
Sequoia: They… one of two things. They either decided that Herbology was the most useless of the classes. Or they…
Kim: It’s obviously Defence Against the Dark Arts, but continue.
Sequoia: It's obviously not Care of Magical Creatures, but Magical Creatures. That… here's the thing, or Professor Sprout is about to be helping with this class, and they decided that Professor Sprout was the most nurturing teacher…
Kim: Mmm.
Sequoia: …and therefore the best to help out with the child rearing class experience.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So you are about to prove one of those right or wrong.
Kim: Mhm, mhm, mhm. So McGonagall says that they're gonna learn about baby care and marriage.
Sequoia: Also, home cc is not just babies and marriage! It's cooking…
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: …and sewing.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Woodwork.
Kim: Huh? [Sequoia laughs] Huh?
Sequoia: Nope, just babies and marriage. Got it. Got it. Got it. Also, what are you gonna… never mind, continue.
Kim: I mean, I think they're getting a condensed version. They're just getting the important part.
Sequoia: [sighs] But where do you learn the cooking spells and the cleaning spells? Never mind. Continue! I'm holding… I'm just… okay.
Kim: Yeah. I mean, yes, they do need to be learning… why is there not a home economics magic class? [Sequoia laughs] Excellent question! Fuck, man.
Sequoia: All right, I'm ready.
Kim: Several boys grinned.
Sequoia: Why?!
Kim: Because they're gonna learn about baby care and marriage?
Sequoia: No! [both laugh]
Kim: Correct. They did not. This didn’t happen. There's no way this happened. Several boys grinned. What boys also? Also what boys?
Sequoia: Neville.
Kim: It’s the Gryffindors and the Slytherins… fucking Neville! [Sequoia laughs] Because it’s not a grin that’s like, gross, it’s Neville being excited about having a baby?
Sequoia: Yeah, he's like, I want to be a dad!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And McGonagall’s face took on a look of disgust. Don't be mad at Neville being excited about being a father!
Sequoia: Yeah, come on, dude. [chuckles]
Kim: “In other words, responsibility and life after Hogwarts.” Listen, your two responsibility and life after Hogwarts things: babies and marriage. [laughs]
Sequoia: Wow. Wow.
Kim: Hogwarts does such a bad job preparing anyone for anything. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: We gotta take what we can get.
Sequoia: Is McGonagall gonna teach them these things? What's happening?
Kim: Hold for the text!
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I looked at Ron and Harry. Ron's bored expression suddenly looked interested.
Sequoia: Oh my god. I mean, Ron is destined to be a stay at home dad.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So, like, I sort of get that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And Harry has, like, a lot of family trauma.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So maybe I… [chuckles]
Kim: Okay. We don't get what Harry's face looks like, just Ron. Ron's bored expression suddenly looked interested. I mean, hey, whose wouldn't? We were getting married at sixteen!
Sequoia: Ugh! Wait…
Kim: No, you're not. No you’re not.
Sequoia: No you're not! No, wait, no…
Both: …you're not.
Kim: You're literally not.
Sequoia: Wait, that’s… that’s not what's happening!
Kim: That’s absolutely not what’s happening. Why would you be excited about…? What is happening?
Sequoia: Why would you be excited about that?
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Ugh. Like, might as well get it out of the way now, there's only ten wizards, so go ahead and hook me up with whomever’s in this room.
Kim: “Professor Sprout will be teaching it.”
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: So there you go.
Sequoia: Okay, cool.
Kim: Professor Sprout is the only one…
Sequoia: Qualified.
Kim: …qualified?
Sequoia: To do this?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She takes care of plants.
Kim: Yeah, plants are babies.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Millennial vibes.
Kim: Uh oh!
Sequoia: Hashtag #MillennialVibes! Plants are babies. Cats are babies.
Kim: Oh. Everybody stared at her excitedly. “You will be assigned to your husband or wife soon. This is your baby.” She pointed to a small blue egg.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes. Yes.
Kim: “Boy or girl, we choose.”
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: All right, we gotta pause here.
Sequoia: Okay. This is a lot.
Kim: We gotta pause the story. Pause the story. Has this EVER actually happened in a real school?
Sequoia: Taking care of an egg?
Kim: Taking care of an egg. That’s…
Sequoia: I took care of an egg.
Kim: You took care of an egg?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I could have sworn that was a TV trope! Are you serious?
Sequoia: No! I took care of an egg.
Kim: An egg.
Sequoia: Yeah. I broke it! [both laugh]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I took care of an egg.
Kim: How long? How long did you take to break your… your baby?
Sequoia: We were all… it was a… it was a one day experience…
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: …to take care of the egg.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I believe they were hard boiled so that they wouldn't, like, actually cause a mess.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: If we broke them, and I…
Kim: When you broke them.
Sequoia: When we broke them. And I think I did break mine… I managed to get all through the first school day, and then broke it at home.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah, but…
Kim: Was that traumatizing?
Sequoia: No. Then I was like, cool, now I just get to be done with this assignment. [chuckles]
Kim: Did you not boil another egg and just pretend like it was your kid?
Sequoia: No. No.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No, I owned up to it.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I was like, yeah, I think I understand who I am.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: And we all understand who I am.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: And… and this was bound to happen but…
Kim: Interesting.
Sequoia: Yeah. But yes, I'm glad that we… we paused to talk about this, because…
Kim: Yeah! I didn't think this was real. Because our school… we had a home ec class that everyone had to take and we did no baby stuff. We did like sewing and…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …we learned how to mix up a frozen batch of lemonade like it was… it was nothing.
Sequoia: You didn't have, like, ovens or anything?
Kim: There were ovens. We were… we made prepackaged cookies once. We weren't really allowed to touch the ovens.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: There were additional home ec classes that weren't required.
Sequoia: That… okay.
Kim: There was one that you took as a ninth grader, and that one they did do babies. But they had like, these terrifying…
Sequoia: Dolls?
Kim: …realistic dolls.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That they had to carry around, I don't remember how long. It seemed like it was forever.
Sequoia: Okay, ‘cause the… to me, the dolls seem like a… like a thing that nobody had. And weren’t real.
Kim: Okay. Really? They had to carry around these horrifying realistic dolls that would cry and stuff. And one of my friends did it and we were all like, we are tired of seeing this baby. And our teacher was like, this baby is distracting, get rid of it. [Sequoia laughs] So we helpfully stuffed it in a microwave for her.
Sequoia: [laughs] And that's why neither of us have children. Next. [both laugh]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Interesting!
Sequoia: Yeah, the egg thing is real.
Kim: Huh!
Sequoia: I do… I wonder what kind of an egg they're using, because this is a magical world. They could be using something that's not a chicken egg. That could be fun.
Kim: Oh, it’s almost certainly a regular egg.
Sequoia: Oh, dang. I wanted it to, like, accidentally hatch into, like, some weird magical creature. That'd be super fun. But I guess it's not gonna do that. Is this author assuming that there is an even number of like, gendered people?
Kim: We're gonna see who they've drawn in in order to even out the numbers.
Sequoia: [whispering] Fuck yeah. Okay, let's do it. [laughs]
Kim: Okay, let's get back to the story, I guess.
Sequoia: To the story? [laughs]
Kim: Eggs. Or whatever. “Also,” interrupted Sprout, “Professor Dumbledore thought it would be nice if we matched up Gryffindors and Slytherins. That means you have to work together.”
Sequoia: [gasps] Bum bum bum!
Kim: I mean it would be nice if…
Sequoia: If they tried to do any kind of inter-house unity thing at any point in time?
Kim: Yeah, we talk about that all the time. [Sequoia laughs] We don’t need to harp on it today. I gaped at her. There was…
Sequoia: Excuse me! [chuckles]
Kim: There was no Slytherin I would like to marry and have children with!
Sequoia: Except maybe for…
Kim: Maybe…
Sequoia: I mean, I don't know that… I don't know that I would necessarily say that Draco was hot, but he is elegant.
Kim: [chuckles] Everybody looked at her angrily. Obviously, they had the same opinion I did. Ron stood up. [deep bro voice] “Are you kidding us? I mean, working with those slimy gits?”
Sequoia: Wow, Ron.
Kim: Several Slytherins shot up angrily, and so did the Gryffindors. All right, we're gonna fight.
Sequoia: Oh, okay!
Kim: We’re not. That’s not what’s gonna happen.
Sequoia: Oh no? No? We're not going back to the Sharks and the Jets?
Both: [singing Jet Song from West Side Story] Na na na nuh na! Na na nuh na na da na!
Sequoia: Bamp bamp bamp bamp! [laughs]
Kim: "Enough!" McGonagall said angrily. "Don’t you see your whole point for doing this?" [Sequoia sings some more of Jet Song] We gotta head… we gotta head off the Sharks and Jets thing! [laughs]
Sequoia: Right, right. We're trying to pre-empt that by forcing them to marry each other and take care of an egg.
Kim: Yeah. "Yeah! Us showing the Slytherins who’s the boss," Harry said.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: Harry. Harry, please.
Sequoia: [whispering] Harry, that's not what’s happening.
Kim: Harry. What’s wrong with you?
Sequoia: Harry, please listen to the lesson. [chuckles]
Kim: Harry.
Sequoia: Harry’s never listened to class in his whole life…
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: …so he's really struggling.
Kim: Yup. "Quiet. Professor Sprout will now be announcing the husbands and wives," McGonagall said.
Sequoia: Oh, yes, this has… this is just like… this is perfect.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Forced to be matched up in a scenario. You know, really classic heteronormativity.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Just, like, wow, this is… I'm… I'm living for this… [laughs]
Kim: Early 2000s vibes?
Sequoia: Early 2000s vibes. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah bud. Yep!
Sequoia: Yeah bud!
Kim: McGonagall handed Sprout a large piece of parchment, just like the one in the sorting ceremony. [Sequoia snorts] Stupid. There's only like five of them. There was a deep silence in the room that could have been cut with a knife. "Neville Longbottom and Pansy Parkinson."
Sequoia: Of course. Love it. Yep.
Kim: That’s a good ship.
Sequoia: That’s a good ship.
Kim: That's a good ship. [Sequoia laughs] Why do I like it? I don’t know.
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: I couldn't quite put it into words.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: But I do like it. Neville was next to me, so I gave him a sympathetic pat. He whimpered while Ron and Harry sent worried glances his way.
Sequoia: Pansy’s just gonna come breathe heavily behind Neville.
Kim: No, Pansy’s gonna do something else. Pansy, who was behind me, screeched, "NOOO!"
Sequoia: Here's the thing, is Pansy was gonna shriek no! no matter what happened.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great. [chuckles]
Kim: "Come up." In the front of the room was a small altar.
Sequoia: WOW.
Kim: I think they did go for a costume change. I think McGonagall and Sprout are dressed up. For this experience.
Sequoia: I think they gotta be. They gotta be.
Kim: They’ve got a fucking altar.
Sequoia: Also, I like that the altar’s just mentioned now.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The altar has been there the whole time. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. A basket was on the floor holding small eggs. Neville and Pansy walked slowly. "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Sprout said.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: While Pansy kept complaining in her annoying voice, [whiny voice] "No, no, no! This can't be happening to me! Dracooo!”
Sequoia: They really are treating this as though they are getting married.
Kim: Yes. It's weird vibes.
Sequoia: It is very strange.
Kim: Weird vibes.
Sequoia: It is very weird vibes, but also like, we don't really know that much about wizarding marriage law.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: What if… what if McGonagall was ordained by the… [laughs]
Kim: Oh no, and then it's a real… they actually are married. Oh my god! Oh no!
Sequoia: What if it's like…
Kim: According to wizard law…
Sequoia: …Hogwarts is like sea? [both chuckle] International waters?
Kim: "This isn't a real marriage. You know that, right?" Sprout said, surprised.
Sequoia: [laughs] She's like, calm the fuck down, what is wrong with you children?
Kim: I mean, I know we're being… this is… I know this is weird vibes that we're doing, but this is all fake.
Sequoia: Yeah, we did get an altar and we ARE dressed as priests, but… [laughs] but this is not real.
Kim: "You did this! I know you did!" Pansy yelled at McGonagall.
Sequoia: Oh, I thought she was gonna yell at Hermione.
Kim: No, no. McGonagall did literally do this.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So this isn't a revelation.
Sequoia: McGonagall thinks this is the funniest shit she's ever seen. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! [laughs] Oh, Dumbledore is definitely up in his office watching, laughing his ass off, right?
Sequoia: Yeah, Dumbledore was like, you know what? This year just, like, hasn't been interesting enough.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: I'm just, like, not…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: There's no…
Kim: We gotta stir the pot.
Sequoia: …triwizard tournament.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don't watch any students die.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don't… you know, like, what could I possibly do?
Kim: To really fuck ‘em up.
Sequoia: And he called up McGonagall and she was like, this is the best idea you ever had, sir. [laughs]
Kim: Let’s do this. Let's go! Almost every Gryffindor tried to hide their sniggers, but I could see Malfoy trying to hide his face. He was embarrassed.
Sequoia: That Pansy was like, Draco!?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean like, valid.
Kim: I actually felt sorry for Parkinson, who fancied a guy that would never be interested in her.
Sequoia: [gruff voice] Damn.
Kim: One.
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: That is cold as ice. Two. You have actually no evidence to support that Draco doesn’t like Pansy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Come on Hermione. Where's your evidentiary support?
Kim: Come on, bud. Where's your chill? Oh, like, I know you don't want Draco to like her, but…
Sequoia: Wow. Spicy. I liked it!
Kim: LOL. Sprout handed her a blue egg. "A boy! Do you have a name?" Pansy sniffed and pulled out a small handkerchief from her robe. "Draco Junior."
Sequoia: [screams] Ah, yes, I knew it!
Kim: She said.
Sequoia: Yes! Yes! Yeeess!
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: That gave me a very similar skin feeling… [laughs]
Kim: To home economics class?
Sequoia: …to home economics class.
Kim: I mean, it is very powerful.
Sequoia: It’s very powerful. Whoo! Draco Junior. As she fans herself with her… with her…
Kim: I have to fan myself.
Sequoia: …old timey…
Kim: Yes! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Her big old timey fan, and wipes her eyes with her handkerchief.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And sniffs.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Draco Junior! I love it.
Kim: "Yes, a good name. Draco Junior Longbottom." [Sequoia laughs] Neville looked at her strangely, but they walked back to their seats and Sprout continued.
Sequoia: Neville’s like, I guess I’m just in this. This is hell.
Kim: This is fine.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This is gonna happen to me. [both laugh] Oh man-sy. "Ron Weasley and Millicent Bulstrode." Ron gasped in shock, but walked to the altar. He received a girl egg and agreed with Millicent's idea to name her Alice. Of course, he had to agree, or he wouldn't have lived to the next day to take care of her.
Sequoia: [laughs] I…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: …ship it. [cackles]
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: Aw, Alice is a nice name.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I like that she came up with a, you know… their… their marriage so far is working better than…
Kim: The other one?
Sequoia: The other one, so…
Kim: Yeah, the other one went about as bad as it could.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Harry was partnered with…
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes.
Kim: …Blaise Zabini.
Sequoia: [exhales] [laughs] This story is too… I mean, sometimes we, like, hype a story to each other a lot and like I wonder if it’s really gonna… if it’s really gonna hit…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …where you think it’s gonna hit.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But I have had goosebumps for, like, the last thirty minutes straight. [both laugh] This is very good! Yes!
Kim: Ohh, Harry and Blaise.
Sequoia: [whispering] And Blaise.
Kim: So there you go. We’re destroying those gender norms.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: That heteronormativity.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Except we're not, because… [Sequoia laughs] Blaise is not a boy today.
Sequoia: Yup, I kinda figured. I kinda figured.
Kim: Harry was partnered with Blaise Zabini. He looked terrified, but after a huge argument with her, received a blue egg named James.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, was the argument about their initial marriage or was it over the name James?
Kim: The baby name. It’s gotta be the baby name, right?
Sequoia: Okay. Because Blaise would absolutely want to have control over what the baby’s name is.
Kim: Yeah. Harry says that "She wanted to name him Cornelia," he whispered, while I sighed. It would be over soon. Blaise wanted to name their baby boy Cornelia.
Sequoia: Amazing! Amazing!
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man. I want so much more of Blaise, and we’re just not gonna get it. [Sequoia sighs] This isn’t the story for it.
Sequoia: Aw, dang it!
Kim: They didn't get… I mean, this story is only two chapters long out of what was inevitably going to be many, many, many, many, many, more chapters.
Sequoia: Right, right, right.
Kim: ‘Cause we don’t even get to any of the interesting stuff, but I just… the potential?
Sequoia: Ugh. Yeah. This is gonna be a juicy one for hold for the end please.
Kim: Everything so far… everything so far has been so powerful.
Sequoia: Yeah. I like to think that whatever argument they had was, like, several minutes long too.
Kim: Yeah, just…
Sequoia: They stood up there…
Kim: At the front…
Sequoia: …by the altar…
Kim: By the altar, yelling at each other.
Sequoia: …yelling at each other for like ten straight minutes. [laughs]
Kim: Baise/Harry? Very good!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: Also, like, of course Harry should be terrified of this scenario because he is now married to… because they’re in international waters or whatever…
Kim: They act like it’s not a real marriage, but it’s…
Sequoia: But it’s actually…
Kim: …totally a real marriage.
Sequoia: Definitely a real marriage.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: He is now married to Blaise.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: He’s also fucking loaded. [Kim laughs] And, you know, in the great tradition of the Zabinis…
Kim: Oh no! Oh no! Harry!
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Your life!
Sequoia: You’re gonna get killed!
Kim: Your life’s in danger!
Sequoia: [laughing] Your life is in danger!
Kim: If Blaise doesn't kill you, their mom…
Both: …will! [both laugh]
Kim: Hilarious. Incredible. Harry. Oh no. All right, we’re gonna get a couple more. "Lavender Brown and Gregory Goyle."
Sequoia: Cute.
Kim: Sure. Here’s another one, this is one… this is one of those things they did to even the numbers.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: "Sally Anne Perks and Vincent Crabbe."
Sequoia: Who is…? I feel like I know that name.
Kim: So this is a person who was sorted in book one, and then we NEVER saw again.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: But we often get kind of unspecified other Gryffindors, right?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: We’ll have like a crowd…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …and Harry’ll be like, everyone was looking at me! [Sequoia laughs] And it’s like, there’s four people in the room with you, Harry, what are you talking about? Or Hermione’s like, all those other Gryffindor girls, and it's like, you mean Lavender and Parvati? What are you talking about?
Sequoia: Sally Anne!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Okay, so she…
Kim: She’ll pop up sometimes in fanfiction, but pretty uncommon ‘cause she is a deep cut.
Sequoia: Yeah, that is a really deep cut. I, like, I knew the name…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It sounded familiar to me but…
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Huh! Okay, yeah, we are evening out the numbers. And that was with Crabbe?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Crabbe, okay. Sally Anne and Crabbe. I guess I ship it too! You know?
Kim: [splutters] Vinny and Sally.
Sequoia: Vinny and Sally! Oh that's cute.
Kim: All right. All right!
Sequoia: That's a cute couple.
Kim: All right, we got one more, are you ready?
Sequoia: Is it the big one?
Kim: It is the big one.
Sequoia: It’s the big one, bring it on!
Kim: "Hermione Granger and…" She paused while I waited nervously. "Draco Malfoy."
Sequoia: [whispering] Yessss. Dumbledore’s up in his office literally cheering.
Kim: Laughing. [Sequoia laughs] Just laughing.
Sequoia: He’s eating popcorn.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: He’s choking on a popcorn kernel [Kim snorts] because this is just so fucking hilarious.
Kim: So funny! [strainedly] Oh my god!
Sequoia: McGonagall’s having such a difficult time keeping the laughing inside of her body right now.
Kim: Mhm, mhm. And I’m gonna cut us off here on this cliffhanger of a reveal, because apparently we are forty five minutes into this recording session and only [singing] halfway through this story!
Sequoia: Ooh! Nice.
Kim: So this is gonna be a two parterrrrr!
Sequoia: Pew pew pew pew pew! We haven’t done a two parter in a hot sec.
Kim: Yeah, I think you were the last one. Touching the…
Sequoia: Touching the Skies. Touching the Skies, yeah.
Kim: All right, I think that was our last two parter.
Sequoia: That was our last two parter.
Kim: Oh man. We don’t get any other couples, but I think the only couple left at this point is Parvati and Nott.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Okay, cool.
Kim: So that's also another good one.
Sequoia: That’s another good one.
Kim: I think these are all pretty good!
Sequoia: I think they’re all good! Yeah!
Kim: We just had to add two girls to even out the numbers.
Sequoia: We did? Oh, so…
Kim: Sally Anne and Blaise.
Sequoia: Sally Anne and Blaise, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That evened out the numbers well enough. I’m not sure that Millicent’s in the same year as them, but it doesn't really matter.
Sequoia: It doesn't matter. [laughs]
Kim: Doesn't matter.
Sequoia: Doesn’t matter.
Kim: They did it without adding any OCs, which is interesting.
Sequoia: I mean, there are more Gryffindors and Slytherins than that. We’ve just decided they don’t exist. Dean? Seamus?
Kim: Oh. Right, I forgot… I literally forgot about them. [Sequoia laughs] Right, we haven’t made it yet, have we?
Sequoia: No, we haven't made it yet.
Kim: So then I guess we’ve got Daphne.
Sequoia: Daphne.
Kim: But we don't know about her at this point in time when this was written.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So Daphne would go with Dean or Seamus, and then the last one would enter a throuple with…
Sequoia: With…
Kim: With the other…
Sequoia: With Neville and Pansy?
Kim: Oh, no, no, no. No, it’s a Daphne/Dean/Seamus throuple.
Sequoia: Oh right, yeah.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: No, that's good. Yeah, that’s good.
Kim: And Daphne’s like, I feel like you guys don't need me. [Sequoia laughs] I feel like I could probably just leave.
Sequoia: Yeah, because they don't. They don’t, they don’t. [both laugh] This is… this is so… oh wow. I’m so glad that we have finally found something in this vein. It’s been almost four years of this podcast…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and I don't think we’ve ever had this particular, like…
Kim: Trope.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: When you said Hogwart’s Marriage with marriage in the title, I was like, oh it's gotta be the…
Kim: The arranged marriage?
Sequoia: The arranged marriage.
Kim: This isn't exactly an arranged marriage.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: This is why I thought we would need to talk about it.
Sequoia: I think it’s definitely not an arranged marriage.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But…
Kim: Because it was arranged, and it is a…
Both: …marriage.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Big ol’ air quotes around it.
Sequoia: I think it’s definitely… It was not the…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: My intention behind that was like, the Ministry comes in and they’re, you know…
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s… that is a trope that we’ve not hit on.
Sequoia: Yeah, but I think this is pretty dang close to it.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: It’s pretty dang close.
Kim: This is pulling from a little… slightly different but related vein, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful!
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Beautiful.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: We will…
Kim: You got one point.
Sequoia: I have gotten one point.
Kim: What were your other two?
Sequoia: My other two… there’s gonna be a mass wedding.
Kim: Oh, do you think this counted as a mass wedding? I know it’s not really a wedding…
Sequoia: Okay, but here’s the thing, is like, both of my… my mass wedding prediction and my other one were so close, that I think I just get one point…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Between the two of them.
Kim: I was ready to give you all three, ‘cause I honestly think that you were so fucking close considering what I gave you.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, I'm really impressed with myself right now. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! You made those predictions and I was like, damn!
Sequoia: No, I’ll take the two out of three.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I’ll take two out of three.
Kim: You were so close!
Sequoia: ‘Cause it was not what I was envisioning.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But very close.
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: Woo! Wow, that makes me… wow. I haven’t gotten a point in so long that I forgot what it felt like. It feels good. It feels good.
Kim: Nice work.
Sequoia: It feels good.
Kim: Nice work, my friend.
Sequoia: Woo! All right, are we ready to go into a segment?
Kim: Yeah, let’s do a segment.
Sequoia: We don’t have any kind of an intro for this segment.
Kim: Well, no.
Sequoia: Because it’s a new….
Kim: It’s a newish segment.
Sequoia: It’s a newish temporary experience.
Kim: So we, yeah. We got those listener summaries for our hundredth episode. We didn’t manage to fit them all into the episode like we promised. We didn’t forget about it.
Sequoia: We did not forget.
Kim: It's going to stick around for a little while as a segment.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Where we’re gonna play those, the ones that we got. Not all of them were quite right for the pod. Thank you very much for sending them all in.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We really really appreciate you all so much, you’re so good, but…
Sequoia: Yeah, so not all of them will make it onto the podcast, and we won’t be doing them every episode. They'll sort of like shuffle through like we do with our…
Kim: Other segments. Yeah!
Sequoia: Other segments. But we are very excited to continue sharing these with you.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Because we had such a wonderful and overwhelming response to our call to action, so…
Kim: Let's do a…
Both: …summmaryyy!
Listener Voice: Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were two of the most popular people at school. But they were rivals in everything. Harry was the classic e-boy, while Draco had a very soft pastel aesthetic going on, so they just didn't get on. They recruited potential allies to become part of their gangs, trying to gain the upper hand. This meant Luna Lovegood had a decision to make. She could join her distant cousin Draco Malfoy”s gang, and become fabulous, in his own words, or join the self proclaimed Golden Trio and Harry Potter’s gang who claimed to go on adventures and, oh dear! The friends they made along the way. Her decision could change the course of her life. Find out what decision Luna makes in You’re Just as Fucking Sane as I Am.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Nice. Thank you so much for sending that in.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Aw, it feels so good to do that actually in sync.
Kim: That feels so good.
Sequoia: Wow, that was so satisfying! [Kim sighs] Wow, I don’t have to edit those together to pretend like we said them at the same time! [laughs]
Kim: All right, this one was sent in by a listener, an anonymous listener. It’s called History Lessons, and it is one of my favorite tropes. It is a Dudley redemption fic.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: Which, I really like Dudley redemption fics. I dunno, I’m dirty like that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, I like them, too. I like them.
Kim: Yeah. So this one… one great teacher changes the course of Dudley’s life.
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: And it's really sweet and I liked it a lot.
Sequoia: Oh, I like that.
Kim: Check that out. The link to that will be on our website.
Sequoia: Also on our website is the link to our story submission form. Please send us in your Dudley redemption fics.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Or your silly stuff.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Or your missing moments. Everything that you have fun reading.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Send it to us!
Kim: The website is FanaticalFics.com. Also on our website you can find links to our TeePublic, where we’ve got that cool new Blaise and Zach merch. But also on our website we’ve got some slightly different merch, bookmarks, cool stuff like that.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media, the regulars, your Instagram, your Twitter, your Facebook, @FanaticalFics. Tweet at us your carrot times and answer our Instagram story.
Kim: Tweet at us your fake baby raising experiences from school.
Sequoia: Ooh! Yes, tweet at us if you ever had an egg.
Kim: Did you have an egg? Did you have a terrifying fake baby? Did you have something else? Let us know!
Sequoia: Let us know.
Kim: If you have any longer thoughts, longer stories about fake babies you raised [Sequoia laughs] you can email them to us at FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: There are a few ways to help out this podcast. Numero uno, please leave us a review, we really appreciate reading them. I think that, like, obviously they do help. We’ve been told by you know, the nebulous whatever.
Kim: Podcaster zeitgeist.
Sequoia: Podcaster zeitgeist that they help or something.
Kim: I’unno!
Sequoia: But mostly I just really love reading them. And I really appreciate every single one of them and they’re just so lovely and wonderful, so leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or on Facebook, you can also do it there. Or again, shout to the full moon.
Kim: Another way to help this podcast out is to trick your fellow…
Sequoia: Fellow vaccine…
Kim: …vaccine line standers 2021.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Like our listener Sierra, who tweeted a picture of us getting her vaccine!
Sequoia: Yes, she was wearing the quidditch muscles tank.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: Which is a classic.
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: And someone in line was like, please tell me what that is, and then, you know, that's how you trick the people in line with you.
Kim: So good job tricking, and good job…
Sequoia: Good job getting the vaccine!
Kim: Yeah bud!
Sequoia: Yup, yup!
Kim: Another way you can help this podcast out is by checking out our Patreon. We’ve got all kinds of cool stuff over there. Exclusive merch, our fun Discord, but also at certain tiers after six months, or longer…
Sequoia: Or ten… [laughs]
Kim: Since we're really behind, whatever! You get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Sequoia is going to do for us today. Sequoia?
Sequoia: Hermione had absolutely had it. The final straw had broken the camel’s back. As she angrily walked back to the common room, her hair singed at its ends, her eyebrows completely gone, and patches burned from her Gryffindor robes, she contemplated her revenge. Would it be childish of her to stoop down to Fred and George’s level? Absolutely. But was she going to do it anyway? Without a doubt. Hermione knew she couldn't do it alone. She’d have to assemble a crack team of badass bitches to help her hoodwink the two best pranksters Hogwarts had ever seen. When she arrived back at the common room and scurried up to her dormitory before Harry or Ron could ask her to do their homework, Hermione got to work writing secret invitations to a prank team that would go down in history. Luna “Nefarious Schemes” Lovegood, Ginny “Vampire” Weasley, and Cho “Nails On a Chalkboard” Chang. Who will show up to the super secret meeting? WiIl Hermione go through with the biggest prank in Hogwarts history?
Kim: Our thanks to Jenna Kovski, Kelli, Alexandra Talwar, Sarah Jarvis, Mells, Lauren Jones, Sara J, and Gwenwae.
Sequoia: Thank you!
Kim: Your support means so much to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It is their incredible song Wolfstar.
Both: [holding it forever] Byeeeeeee!
Kim: [stops first] Oh.
Sequoia: You stopped, but that's fine.
Kim: I stopped. [both laugh]