Episode 103: Hogwart's Marriage (Part 2)

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Transcriber: Jessica

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Kim: I don't think that was anything.

Sequoia: It wasn’t.

Kim: Dang it.

Sequoia: When do we ever say anything, though?

Kim: That's true.

Sequoia: I never said anything in my whole life. I never said one whole thing. [Kim snorts]

[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]

Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone. 

Kim: And I'm Kim.

Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.

Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.

Sequoia: We have a couple things to say, as we generally do.

Kim: When do we not?

Sequoia: We always have something to say.

Kim: Something!

Sequoia: It's not…

Kim: It's usually not… well…. 

Sequoia: Well…

Kim: We have some cool announcements.

Sequoia: We do. First, I want to do an announcement that's not sitting in front of us on our outline.

Kim: Oh no.

Sequoia: I know. I'm going off script.

Kim: Oh no!

Sequoia: I'm going off script.

Kim: Oh no.

Sequoia: Remember when we didn't have a script? [laughs]

Kim: Those were bad times. [mumbles]

Sequoia: I'm going off script because we forgot to put this on the outline, but…

Kim: You could have… it is an editable document, you could add it right to the…

Sequoia: I could have added it. I could have added it now.

Kim: You could add…

Sequoia: You want me to add it right now? Okay, I will add it right now.

Kim: Oh, I know why… I get it now. Okay. You didn't add it to the document because it wasn't true yet.

Sequoia: Yeah. Now it's true.

Kim: Okay. Say it.

Sequoia: So now it's here. Thank you so much everyone for helping us reach one million downloads! Pew pew pew pew!

Kim: Is this what the downloads moon feels like?

Sequoia: Oh my god.

Kim: Have we landed?

Sequoia: Is this the downloads moon?

Kim: I think this is the downloads moon!

Sequoia: I think this is the downloads moon. What's the next step? 

Kim: Weird!

Sequoia: Do we go… do we go beyond the downloads moon and visit yet another downloads planet? 

Kim: We could set up shop here on the downloads moon. Something… build a little space port.

Sequoia: Right, but I want… I want to keep reaching new heights.

Kim: Get some downloads commerce. 

Sequoia: Downloads commerce. 

Kim: Space downloads…

Sequoia: Space downloads commerce? [laughs]

Kim: Oh, this is getting away from me!

Sequoia: The look on Kim's face is like utter and complete, like, horrified, like, what in the world is coming out of my mouth right now? That was incredible. It looked like you were about to cry!

Kim: I think… I think I’m unwell. Oh no! It’s a good thing we already recorded the story portion of this, ‘cause I don't think I can handle it.

Sequoia: No, no. All we have to do is record the Patreon bonus episode.

Kim: Oh right! That’s gonna go really well, I bet.

Sequoia: Anyway, we did reach one million downloads. It is absolutely crazy to believe that we got here.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: This is nuts.

Kim: Yeah!

Sequoia: Thank you, every one of you, for pressing play.

Kim: For listening to this podcast an unhealthy amount of time.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: I know some of you… some of you…

Sequoia: I know.

Kim: …are consuming this podcast in unhealthy doses.

Sequoia: Yes.

Kim: And I would… I… we appreciate reaching the downloads moon and all, but we don't recommend such concentrated doses of this podcast. The CDC…

Sequoia: The CDC… [laughs]

Kim: The FDA has not approved. [both laugh]

Sequoia: Oh, that's good. That's good. That's good. That's a good, timely joke, I like it.

Kim: Thank you, thank you.

Sequoia: That’ll age really well.

Kim: Yeah, I mean, like anything we've done in the last year is gonna age well. Come on, bud! Come on. The vibes…

Sequoia: The vibes!

Kim: The vibes have been so weird.

Sequoia: The vibes are fucked! Okay.

Kim: We have another exciting announcement.

Sequoia: We have another exciting announcement.

Kim: This isn't about us.

Sequoia: It’s not.

Kim: But I am excited. It's about us in the sense that I'm excited.

Sequoia: Yeah! Me too.

Kim: Revisionist History by the Whomping Willows is out.

Sequoia: Now!

Kim: So you can get it on Bandcamp. You can buy a CD. There's like a limited run of vinyls for it, I think.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: We'll have a link in the description of the episode, and you should all go check it out if you don't already have a copy.

Sequoia: There will be links in the description. Check it out. Other than that, we just have one quick thing to say here. Story time is on infinite hiatus due to…

Kim: Infinite?

Sequoia: Infinite? Oh! [laughs]

Kim: I did write indefinite, but if you want to put it on infinite hiatus, you are welcome to.

Sequoia: I mean indefinite. I mean indefinite hiatus due to the disaster that is us.

Kim: Us.

Sequoia: Us. We're a disaster. Welcome to the disaster.

Kim: They already know.

Sequoia: They know.

Kim: Come on.

Sequoia: We don't…

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: We don't need to elaborate further.

Kim: This is the second part of a two part episode. We're not getting any new people in this episode. They should already know.

Sequoia: [chuckles] Even if you're only one episode deep, you should already know. A couple social media things.

Kim: Yeah yeah, yeah!

Sequoia: We heard some feedback on the first portion of this story…

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: That was wonderful and beautiful.

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: First things first. Someone sent us a picture of their egg family. [both laugh] I mean…

Kim: We want more pics of your…

Both: …egg family!

Kim: Or stories about your…

Both: …egg family! [both laugh]

Kim: Killing me. You're killing me.

Sequoia: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

Kim: Some other feedback that we got that I thought was really interesting, in the sense that we didn't foresee this.

Sequoia: Yeah!

Kim: Some of our, I think, international listeners thought that it was going to be a sex ed story.

Sequoia: Yeah!

Kim: Which was… ‘cause, like, home economics is not even… that's not where you get sex ed here. You don't really get sex ed here, but you know.

Sequoia: Yeah, we don’t do that. [both chuckle]

Kim: You also…

Sequoia: Especially in Utah. We live in Utah. 

Kim: Right. You also definitely don't get sex ed in home economics, so I thought that was really interesting to see.

Sequoia: Yeah. Also everybody thought that it was going to be a squid… or a Hogwarts getting married to something. Therefore we were probably gonna get squid in the story.

Kim: I mean, yeah, the incorrect use of the possessive case did kind of…

Sequoia: You did trick them. You did. This was your fault.

Kim: It wasn’t exactly a trick. I did preface it with the author had grammar problems, and I still think those grammar problems are very funny.

Sequoia: They are very funny.

Kim: Because what is grammar? Sequoia and I can't write.

Sequoia: I can't. If you've ever… ever… if you follow us on social media, you know. You know I can't spell, that I don't proofread my work.

Kim: It's funny, ‘cause you schedule them to go out in advance.

Sequoia: I do.

Kim: Oh man. Oh wow, wow, wow.

Sequoia: I’m… yeah. I’m… again, I’m a…

Both: …disaster.

Kim: Yeah, that's true. That's true, that's true. Sometimes I'll be like, hey Sequoia, you wrote colon instead of Colin.

Sequoia: [laughs] I meant to.

Kim: Okay. All right. I think that’s everything we had to yell about here at the top.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: So…

Sequoia: For the most part.

Kim: …let's move into the story…

Both: …portion…

Kim: …by admitting that we are recording this portion of the podcast at a later date then we recorded what's coming next, and we are about to move right into the story and forget to have Sequoia make a prediction.

Sequoia: But you're free to make a prediction! [both laugh] If you want to make one prediction on what's gonna happen in the second half of this story, you can go ahead and tweet it at us, #FanficDivination, you can respond to our Instagram story, or you can tell your household pet. Just sort of whisper it into their ear, and then they will use the household pet network to get it to Mr. Kitty.

Kim: He won't tell me, but you know.

Sequoia: Yeah, no, it won't get to us. It will just get to Mr. Kitty.

Kim: So that's… that's an option. All right, let's do it. Previously on Fanatical Fics, Hogwart’s Marriage.

Sequoia: Hogwart’s.

Kim: We found out that Herbology is canceled and is being replaced with home economics class. The sixth years will be learning about marriage and how to care for babies. The professors thought it would be hilarious to pair the Gryffindors and Slytherins together for the project. McGonagall and Sprout performed some definitely fake marriages for the students and gave each pair an egg to take care of. We left off just after Sprout announced that Hermione and Draco are going to be partners.

Sequoia: Bum bum bum!

Kim: Yes! Ah, oh man. So basically nothing happened.

Sequoia: Right.

Kim: Right. 

Sequoia: But so much happened.

Kim: So much. I almost screamed like Pansy had.

Sequoia: [laughs] But it wouldn't have been how Pansy had.

Kim: Dracooo! It would have been…

Sequoia: Dracooo! It's like just a bloodcurdling scream.

Kim: Patty did scream nooo! first.

Sequoia: That's true.

Kim: It would be anyone's worst nightmare to be married to their enemy, but Malfoy was a million times worse.

Sequoia: But… okay, I see where you're coming from, Hermione, but also just think back. Think back to that time earlier, where you were…

Kim: To like, ten seconds ago.

Sequoia: Ten seconds ago, where you were like, you know, his hair…

Kim: He's a real hottie. 

Sequoia: …and his face, his less pointy face… really hot.

Kim: Hottttt.

Sequoia: Hotttttt.

Kim: He didn't look that happy either.

Sequoia: Why would he?

Kim: His usual smirk was replaced with a look of shock and disgust.

Sequoia: Yeah, that checks out.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Everyone’s shocked, except for… I assume we're not going to get any more people announced.

Kim: No.

Sequoia: So hypothetically, they were the last two people…

Kim: I mean they're not.

Sequoia: …to be paired?

Kim: They're not the last two, ‘cause we've gotten a list of everyone so far, and we're missing…

Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.

Kim: We're conspicuously missing Shane…

[pause]

Both: Shane?

Kim: Shane… the couple! [Sequoia laughs] ‘Cause they're getting… they got married also. Because we didn't have any other Slytherins, we were done with all the Slytherins, so Shane.

Sequoia: So Shane. [laughs]

Kim: Is the last. What? We both walked up to the altar. Professor Sprout handed us a pink egg. “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You have a girl,” she said.

Sequoia: Aww!

Kim: Aww.

Sequoia: What are they gonna name her? What are they gonna name her?

Kim: "Melody Anna Malfoy," I sighed.

Sequoia: Wow.

Kim: She just had that…

Sequoia: She had that?

Kim: …ready to go. 

Sequoia: Damn!

Kim: Didn't even have to think twice. [whiny drawl] "What?!" Malfoy said.

Sequoia: What… what is your problem with this name?

Kim: "Melody Anna… " “I know what it means! I wanted Narcissa Malfoy!"

Sequoia: Of course he did! I knew it. I knew it. I knew it, that little mama's boy wanted… [chuckles] wanna name the baby after his mom, of course! 

Kim: Of course he did!

Sequoia: Of course.

Kim: Harry got to name his kid after his dad.

Sequoia: Yeah, but his dad's dead.

Kim: Oh.

Sequoia: Also, he had a ten minute long fight with Blaise about it!

Kim: He did."Your mother?!” "Yes! Do you have a problem with that?" "For my daughter's name? Yes!"

Sequoia: Oh my god, this is probably almost exactly how Harry and Blaise’s argument went.

Kim: It’s the exact same fight, I think.

Sequoia: It's why we didn't get the fight earlier.

Kim: Right, ‘cause it’s exactly, word for word, the same, just swapped.

Sequoia: It's the same fight. [laughs] Oh my god.

Kim: Cornelia!

Sequoia: For my daughter? I love that, because here's the thing. It's an egg.

Kim: Yep.

Sequoia: And this is a class. [laughs]

Kim: Yep.

Sequoia: I mean, like…

Kim: If we're gonna have a problem here at this stage, like…

Sequoia: We’re… this is just the beginning, y'all.

Kim: Yeah, bud.

Sequoia: Sprout is like, I really need you all to take this down like seventy five notches, please. [laughs]

Kim: And McGonagall’s like, lol!

Sequoia: Lol!

Kim: [singing] I don't have to deal with this after today!

Sequoia: And Dumbledore's up in his office, watching, eating popcorn and choking on popcorn kernels. This is a beautiful scene to behold.

Kim: Oh, yeah! Okay, we're gonna keep fighting here.

Sequoia: Okay, oh, good, good.

Kim: "Narcissa!" "Melody Anna!"

Both: "Narcissa!"

Kim: "Melody Anna!" "Narcissa!" "Melody Anna!" "Narcissa!" "Narcissa!" "Melody Anna! Oh damn!"

Sequoia: [laughs] Woo! Woo! She got him.

Kim: "I win!" I said while grinning.

Sequoia: But you… here's the thing you didn't. You said Narcissa first.

Kim: You said Narcissa. Yeah, that’s not how this… what is…

Sequoia: You don’t win, that’s not how winning works.

Kim: ‘Cause that’s… what did…

Sequoia: I don’t know…

Kim: Why is…

Sequoia: I don't know if they're… [laughs]

Kim: These are sixteen year olds.

Sequoia: [childish voice] I win! Mine! No, mine! No, mine! That's a… you know, I'd say that's a clever trick you pulled, except it's not, because you did say Narcissa first.

Kim: You did say Narcissa first.

Sequoia: So I'm pretty sure that Draco won.

Kim: Yes. Melody Anna Narcissa Malfoy. The egg’s name. God.

Sequoia: And you must call it by its full name.

Kim: Every time.

Sequoia: Every single time.

Kim: You must address the baby by its title. Professor Sprout looked at us strangely, but handed us the egg. I hate to say this, but this was only the beginning.

Sequoia: Oh my god, she does say that. [laughs]

Kim: Right here on the fucking page.

Sequoia: Yes!

Kim: So good.

Sequoia: You stupid little fucking kids and your goddamn… [chuckles]

Kim: And obviously, obviously that's the end of chapter one.

Both: This was only the beginning!

Kim: Except we only have one more chapter, so…

Sequoia: Okay, so it was only the halfway point.

Kim: Yeah, we're at the halfway… we're a little over the halfway point. I cut us off at halfway last time.

Sequoia: Oh my god.

Kim: Oh, such a shame, really.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: All right, so chapter one was titled Draco Malfoy.

Sequoia: Okay.

Kim: Which is why I didn’t say it.

Sequoia: Gotcha.

Kim: Chapter two is titled Melody Malfoy.

Sequoia: Ohh! That's not her full name, but okay.

Kim: It's not her full title.

Sequoia: Not the… [chuckles]

Kim: Why did Hermione… Hermione just had that ready! Why? We are not given any insight into why.

Sequoia: No. I think she's probably been sitting in the audience, sort of coming up with names. And naturally, because she's Hermione, she came up with, like, a name for a child, instead of just like, the name of a person that already exists.

Kim: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Sequoia: Everybody else was like, oh yeah, James, Narcissa…

Kim: Draco…

Sequoia: And Hermione’s sitting there being like, I want it to sound like a song but also like… [laughs]  

Kim: Oh, Hermione is like that. Rose and Hugo. [sputters] All right, so we're in chapter two, and we are in third person.

Sequoia: Yes! Why?

Kim: Great question. Hermione stepped out of her bed and went to shower.

Sequoia: Incredible. Incredible.

Kim: I preserved some of it… some of its oddities. But I did have to fix some of it.

Sequoia: Right.

Kim: It’s just too hard!

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: It's distracting. 

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: From the other… like, we would have spent too much time talking about the grammar and not enough time talking about…

Sequoia: Not enough time talking about…

Kim: …egg names.

Sequoia: I really wish I could remember what I named my egg. I mean…

Kim: Eggathan?

Sequoia: …remembering how old I was at the time… 

Kim: How old were you?

Sequoia: Like twelve?

Kim: Okay. So you did yours… that project a little younger. Because our class where you did the babies, that was for ninth graders only.

Sequoia: Oh no, this was…

Kim: ‘Cause we did it in junior high, but…

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Only the ninth graders.

Sequoia: I probably named it Hermione, if we're gonna be totally honest about it. [laughs]

Kim: Oh! Incredible!

Sequoia: Okay, so Melody Anna Narcissa Malfoy.

Kim: Yes. No. Hermione stepped out of her bed and went to shower.

Sequoia: Oh, the egg didn't step out of its bed and go take a shower?

Kim: Warm water came rushing through her body.

Sequoia: Wow, what? [laughs]

Kim: Through is weird!

Sequoia: I like it.

Kim: Okay. It was exactly the right temperature and it was one of her favorite places to be, after the library, of course!

Both: [making trumpet sounds] Wahmp wahmp wahmp!

Kim: Got her!

Sequoia: Bum bum bum bum bum. [Kim laughs] Seinfeld transition!

Kim: Hermione’s having a lovely shower.

Sequoia: I mean, I totally understand that, and I feel that, but I have never had the water go through your body.

Kim: Yeah, through is a weird choice of words.

Sequoia: Okay, it's her favorite place to be, and then she's about to remember that her life sucks because she has a… she's married and she has a baby and she's sixteen.

Kim: I'm gonna start getting nervous again that you're looking over my shoulder, now that we're in the same room again and I don't have assurances that you're not. It gave her time to think. About Hogwarts. Classes. Malfoy.

Sequoia: The universe… our… our point here on this planet…

Kim: Malfoy.

Sequoia: …as human beings. Whether people are born good and turn bad over time or…  

Kim: Malfoy.

Sequoia: …oh, Malfoy? [chuckles]

Kim: “Him," she thought. “Why is he always on my mind? Do I like him?”

Sequoia: Oh my god, Hermione? Hermione. [chuckles] Hermione, my dude, I'm gonna need you to catch up real quick right now.

Kim: "Hermione! Are you in here?" said Ginny. "I'll be out in a second!" she said, while wrapping a towel around herself. Ginny interrupted her, so she didn't get time to really…

Sequoia: To really get into that thought more?

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, that's the only place where she can really…

Kim: She spent too much time thinking about life and the universe and… [Sequoia laughs] Hermione walked to the mirror and stared at her reflection.

Sequoia: Oh, are we gonna get this now? Is it the time for this?

Kim: [singing] Yes we are!

Sequoia: Is it time for this thing?

Kim: How does Hermione look? I don't know! Let's find out!

Sequoia: Oh, yes.

Kim: Love it when we wait ‘til chapter two to find out!

Sequoia: Is she hot now, too? Okay, continue.

Kim: Bushy hair grazed her face and brown eyes looked back at her. She's hot!

Sequoia: Oh.

Kim: She looks like Hermione.

Sequoia: Okay, cool, yeah, rad.

Kim: She looks just like Hermione today.

Sequoia: Okay, great.

Kim: Normal Hermione.

Sequoia: Her eyes are not any kind of edible experience, and…

Kim: Nope, they’re just brown. She’s got bushy brown hair and brown eyes. 

Sequoia: Oh, okay.

Kim: She brushed her hair while putting on her Hogwarts robe. Totally normal. 

Sequoia: Totally normal. 

Kim: And I'm very disappointed, actually. [both laugh]

Sequoia: Dropped the ball here, author!

Kim: Come on! Don't do that.

Sequoia: Oh, that's not how curls work, Hermione, please do not brush your hair!

Kim: Stop! Stop! Oh no! "Ginny, come in!" Hermione heard the sound of the door being opened and saw the redhead coming in. "Let's go to breakfast!" she said, whining. Oh sorry, she's whining.

Both: [whiny voices] Let’s go to breakfast!

Sequoia: Nice. Ginny, just go breakfast by your damn self.

Kim: She can’t!

Sequoia: Oh.

Kim: She'll be lonely. 

Sequoia: Aww.

Kim: Just kidding, Ginny has a lot of friends.

Sequoia: Everybody likes Ginny. Okay.

Kim: Hermione would be lonely.

Sequoia: Yeah. Let's go to breakfast!

Kim: Harry and Ron already left.

Sequoia: Hermione!

Kim: Yeah. Hermione giggled. "Okay."

Sequoia: Tee hee hee hee hee! I think Hermione’s just trying to have an inside joke with literally anyone who talks to her about anything. [Kim laughs] Let’s go to breakfast! Get it? Me and you going to breakfast? Tee hee hee!

Kim: Grabbing her school books, they both walked out the door. Ginny was always Hermione's best girl friend. Harry and Ron just sometimes didn't understand her.

Sequoia: Aw! [chuckles]

Kim: I mean, this is honestly true.

Sequoia: That's honesty super true.

Kim: That's part of the books.

Sequoia: Yep.

Kim: That's there.

Sequoia: I love it.

Kim: It's in the text, they're friends.

Sequoia: I love their friendship.

Kim: "Where are Ron and Harry?" "I saw them while I was practicing on the Quidditch field. Snape too. They probably got into trouble." Ginny paused.

Sequoia: Like a… just like pre-breakfast…

Kim: Quidditch practice.

Sequoia: …quidditch practice with Snape? With just…

Kim: Snape interrupted quidditch practice? Or was Ginny practicing quidditch?

Sequoia: No, I think Ginny was practising by herself.

Kim: Ginny was practising by herself and then she walked past Harry and Ron getting into trouble.

Sequoia: Pre-breakfast!

Kim: Pre-breakfast! They must’ve just, like, walked out of the dorm and immediately gotten into trouble. Like, they beat Hermione out of the dorm, so like…

Sequoia: So like… I am having trouble understanding… that, or they did do something…

Kim: Last night.

Sequoia: …the day before or last night, and are now getting in trouble for it.

Kim: Yeah, that’s possible too.

Sequoia: But I do like to think that they left the dormitory and literally immediately got in trouble.

Kim: Yeah! Fucking Snape. [both laugh]

Sequoia: Snape’s been waiting outside the Gryffindor common room!

Kim: To antagonize them. Ginny paused. “I just remembered! I heard a rumor that the sixth years were doing a home economics project."

Sequoia: Oh my god. I love that the rumor mill has nothing better to do than talk about that there’s a home ec class now. Everyone is like, oh my god, did you hear? [whisper] They're talking about marriage and babies. I've never heard of either of those things.

Kim: But not sex ed. They're not getting sex ed, so you know, that's good. That’s good.

Sequoia: What does the rumor mill have to say about home ec? It exists?

Kim: That’s… yeah. [both laugh]

Sequoia: Oh, nice.

Kim: "It's true! This is Melody, my baby." Hermione, you have to address it by her full title!

Sequoia: Come on, Hermione. [chuckles]

Kim: Hermione pulled out a small pink egg from her cloak pocket. Ginny stared in amazement, then she laughed. "Who's the husband?" “Oh, trust me. You don't want to know." Hermione said. 

Sequoia: Wait, that’s… [laughs] wait. Wait. That's nothing. I'm surprised the first thing that came out of her mouth wasn't, oh my god, yeah, we have this class and they married me to Draco Malfoy!

Kim: Well, she's feeling a little conflicted.

Sequoia: That’s true.

Kim: About how she feels about Draco.

Sequoia: How she feels about Draco. Yeah, I mean, who's the husband? You don't wanna… she does wanna know.

Kim: She asked.

Sequoia: She absolutely wants to know. It does not affect her in any way, shape, or form whether she knows who you're paired with in home ec class or not.

Kim: I mean, it's funny. It's funny, She looked at Melody. "I named her. Let's just say that my husband and I don't really get along."

Sequoia: You know, when you're just like… when you're just, like, talking to your friend…

Kim: You don't… yeah.

Sequoia: You don't have to call him your husband! [laughs]

Kim: Yeah. You don’t!

Sequoia: Because here's the thing, Hermione.

Kim: He’s not your husband.

Sequoia: Here's the thing. He is not your husband. You are not married. Oh, contrary to what I would like to be true, Hogwarts is not international waters, you are not married, and…

Kim: Or are they? [whispering] Or are they? Oh my god. 

Sequoia: Oh my god.

Kim: So stupid.

Sequoia: If Hermione was using her full… her child’s full title…

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: …then Ginny would know what was happening.

Kim: Yeah. That's why she's not.

Sequoia: Yeah. Keep it under wraps. [whispers] People don't know.

Kim: “Maybe it's Malfoy." Ginny said, laughing. What is this exchange?

Sequoia: What is it?

Kim: What is this exchange?

Sequoia: What is it?

Kim: Can you explain to me what is happening? I don’t understand what's happening. It's really natural dialogue. “Maybe it's Malfoy." Ginny said laughing.

Sequoia: Tee hee hee!

Kim: "But no professor would pair you up together!”

Sequoia: I'm… I'm sorry Ginny, have you…

Both: Have you met Albus Dumbledore? [both laugh]

Kim: Right?

Sequoia: That man does not want anything in this world but to cause chaos!

Kim: Yeah. I mean, also, this is kind of like quarantining the chaos. You pair the Gryffindors and the Slytherins up so that the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws can have a normal time. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, just protecting… you gotta protect the… the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws.

Sequoia: Exactly. Also, like…

Kim: Ooh, who are the pairs in that class?

Sequoia: Ohh.

Kim: Ernie's married to everyone.

Sequoia: Yep. [both laugh] Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's that far fetched that a professor would do this to them.

Kim: No.

Sequoia: Because, you know…

Kim: Absolutely not.

Sequoia: …they don't have much better things to be doing…

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: …than fucking with the students.

Kim: Yeah they don't have TV, so…

Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] They don't have TV.

Kim: They don't… gotta fuck up students. No professor would ever pair you two up together, lololololol.

Sequoia: Lolololol.

Kim: Hermione stared at her in shock, and nodded. "No way!”

Sequoia: How would you guess that this person that I've already said I don't get along with is that person that I don't get along with? [laughs]

Kim: “He's lucky if he only gets hexed once this year," Ginny said. Threateningly.

Sequoia: Threat. That is a threat.

Kim: It is a threat. Hermione sighed. "Every time you joke, it always comes true."

Sequoia: Oh my god!

Kim: That's a great detail. 

Sequoia: What did she…

Kim: Also, that definitely was a threat.

Sequoia: That definitely was a threat! Oh my god.

Kim: Ginny.

Sequoia:  What if she has the power?

Kim: Mmm.

Sequoia: She has… this is her power.

Kim: The Weasley foresight power.

Sequoia: The Weasley foresight power! Right.

Kim: ‘Cause Ron does this. Ron does this, actually…

Sequoia: All the time, right.

Kim: In the text. He makes a joke, and then it comes true.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Huh!

Sequoia: Huh!

Kim: Is this author actually pulling from canon?

Sequoia: Nice. Interesting.

Kim: All right. Here we go. Here's… here's some something.

Sequoia: Okay.

Kim: Got some asterisks. 

Sequoia: Uh huh.

Kim: Hermione's POV.

Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god. Why? [laughs] Yes, yes.

Kim: Why was the first tiny chunk of this chapter in third person limited? 

Sequoia: It didn’t need to be, because Hermione was there the whole time.

Kim: And then we're gonna switch to first person now.

Sequoia: I don't know. Oh my god. That's beautiful.

Kim: Yes!

Sequoia: That's beautiful. That's a beautiful moment.

Kim: Yes!

Sequoia: Yes.

Kim: It is. My god, first person is hard to read, so I generally avoid them, but this was so THIS.

Sequoia: Oh, we also, like, got into Hermione's thoughts as well. 

Kim: Yeah!

Sequoia: In the first chunk.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Which would have… [sighs] sorry. I'm sorry.

Kim: This is adorable. Why is this so cute? 

Sequoia: It’s very cute. I like it.

Kim: This author is so obviously twelve. 

Sequoia: Mhm.

Kim: All right, so we're swapping to Hermione’s POV. [chuckles] "Did everybody receive a parchment?" Professor Sprout asked. It was on my desk, face down, but quickly I turned it over. It was blank, nothing was written on it.

Sequoia: Perhaps you must write on it. Perhaps the thing on it is hidden with magic.

Kim: Sprout flicked her wand and mumbled a spell. The middle of the parchment vaporized, but then words appeared.

Sequoia: Oh.

Kim: Needlessly flashy, but I'm also about it.

Sequoia: Yeah! [chuckles]

Kim: Like, really dramatic reveal.

Sequoia: Like, I… I don't know, maybe Sprout has decided to like, feed into the drama of this class.

Kim: Oh yeah. 

Sequoia: Yeah, she was just like, you know what? At first I was like, everybody take it down seventy five notches. But now that we're here…

Kim: Mhm.

Sequoia: …may as well go all in. 

Kim: Mhm.

Sequoia: [gruff announcer voice] Welcome to home economics. 

Kim: [makes whooshing noise] Shoo! Pyrotechnics. All right, so there’s words in the middle of the vaporized parchment. "This will be your job to support your family," she continued.

Sequoia: [whispering] Oh, nice.

Kim: They're gonna get fake jobs.

Sequoia: Fake jobs, yes! What are their fake jobs? Ministry worker and ice cream scooper?

Kim: Correct! How did you know?

Sequoia: Yes! [laughs]

Kim: I grinned. Auror was written on it.

Sequoia: Nice.

Kim: Ministry worker.

Sequoia: Ministry worker.

Kim: Good job.

Sequoia: What about your husband? 

Kim: No, we’re gonna get Hermione’s thoughts about aurors.

Sequoia: Okay, sure! [chuckles]

Kim: Auror was written on it. They made a decent amount, especially with the war coming.

Sequoia: What? [both laugh] How do you… why do you… how did… how did…? [chuckles]

Kim: You know, with the…

Sequoia: With the war coming? Wow.

Kim: They’re paying the aurors really well. 

Sequoia: Just really raking in the dough.

Kim: ‘Cause they're working so much overtime… 

Sequoia: Overtime.

Kim: …in the war.

Sequoia: In the war. How do you know how much aurors make?! 

Kim: Hermione knows all kinds of shit. You think she didn't heavily research every job available to them last year?

Sequoia: Oh, that's true.

Kim: When they got all those brochures that were like, these are the ten different types of Ministry workers you can be?

Sequoia: Yeah, that's true. That's very true. She does know how much aurors make, on overtime especially, so… ah, wow.

Kim: Then I shivered; the thought of Voldemort actually scared me.

Sequoia: Jesus! [laughs]

Kim: You're not actually… it's a fake job. It’s a fake job.

Sequoia: This is a fake job, Hermione. Also, your real job is to fight Voldemort once a year!

Kim: She doesn’t get paid for that though.

Sequoia: [groans] Oh.

Kim: I erased the thought out of my mind. “I wonder what Malfoy is.”

Sequoia: Gotta know what your husband’s making.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Dough wise.

Kim: Malfoy doesn't need to work. Whatever. 

Sequoia: His just says professionally rich.

Kim: Yeah. Harry looked at me and mouthed the words… what's Harry’s job?

Sequoia: What's Harry’s job? Harry job is quidditch superstar.

Kim: Nope. …Minister of Magic.

Sequoia: What the fuck?! 

Kim: They all got these fake jobs.

Sequoia: In your wildest dreams…

Kim: Hermione’s an auror, Harry’s Minister of Magic. Who picked these jobs?

Sequoia: Dumbledore.

Kim: It's like… we did this kind of exercise, right? You got a fake job, and you had to like, pretend to deal with money and stuff.

Sequoia: Money, yeah. 

Kim: This would be like getting President of the United States as your job. Nice. All right, Harry’s the Minister of Magic. I wanted to laugh. Harry would do a better job than Fudge any day.

Sequoia: A pile of…

Kim: Fudge.

Sequoia: …fudge would do better than Fudge. [laughs] I was going to say a pile of rocks, but Harry is a pile of rocks.

Kim: Correct. That's true, Harry is a big ol’ pile of rocks. Sprout spoke. "Please get together with your spouse." I winced.

Sequoia: Oh god, my husband, blech!

Kim: Blech! It felt very strange to be called Draco Malfoy's wife, especially since he'd hated me since first year.

Sequoia: Especially since he was so hot and I just don't really know how to feel about it!

Kim: I’m very conflicted. I saw Malfoy walking toward me, but then he leaned on the wall that was near the table. Real casual, like…

Sequoia: Oh god! Oh what? 

Kim: Walking over and then he stopped, like, awkwardly far away.

Sequoia: He's posing.

Kim: He is posing.

Sequoia: He’s posing.

Kim: He tossed the parchment to me. "Read it, Granger."

Sequoia: He's like twenty feet away. [laughs]

Kim: Throw it on the ground. He said it with certain elegance. He's doing… he does everything… 

Sequoia: Why is he elegant?

Kim: I don't know!

Sequoia: He’s not, though.

Kim: He’s not. I glanced at the words. This is another place where I think… we'll talk about it. I think there's maybe… something didn't quite go right in what they wrote here.

Sequoia: Okay.

Kim: Because what they have written here is "Madame Maxine clothes fitter."

Sequoia: So he's like a seamstress?

Kim: He’s like Madame Maxine's [sic] personal tailor?

Sequoia: Yes.

Kim: Is what they have written.

Sequoia: Wow, that is so specific.

Kim: Very weirdly specific, which is why I think what they may have meant is…

Both: …Madam Malkin’s…

Kim: …clothes fitter.

Sequoia: Yeah. Okay, gotcha.

Kim: But I like the idea of Sprout assigning Malfoy to be Madame Maxine's personal tailor.

Sequoia: Personal tailor!

Kim: That's a weird thing to do!

Sequoia: Yeah, I think they probably definitely meant that he just works at Madame Malkin’s, but… 

Kim: Yeah. It's not as funny. 

Sequoia: It's not as funny. Wow. I bet you make real good money…

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Being the personal tailor to Madame Maxine, though.

Kim: You would. Whereas seamstress at Madame Malkin’s…

Sequoia: Probably not as much.

Kim: Probably not so good.

Sequoia: Yeah, that's like a… kind of an entry level experience. 

Kim: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Unlike Minister of Magic.

Sequoia: That is entry level for Harry. He’s Harry freaking Potter, man!

Kim: Oh, right, right, right. That's even shooting a little low for Harry.

Sequoia: Do we get to find out what Ron got?

Kim: No.

Sequoia: Dangit.

Kim: Now I'm sad about that. Something funny. Tell us what you think Ron got!

Sequoia: Ice cream scooper.

Kim: Ice cream scooper. Yeah, all right. And Blaise?

Sequoia: Blaise?

Kim: Blaise is married to the Minister of Magic, right?

Sequoia: Yeah, but also is lowkey like a mastermind of the criminal underworld. 

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: So…

Kim: Fine. Excellent. "Madame Maxine clothes fitter," I said, laughing. It was too good to be true. After all, Malfoy was practically the most sexist guy in Hogwarts.

Sequoia: Okay.

Kim: So we paused earlier after Madame Maxine clothes fitter. And I think we need to take out a whole section together now.

Sequoia: A whole chunk. Okay, Hermione’s laughing at him.

Kim: Uh huh. 

Sequoia: For him… that he got the job, because the job… it couldn't be more perfect. 

Kim: Because it couldn't be more perfect, you think. Because he's so sexy?

Sequoia: Well, that's what she said.

Kim: It was too good to be true.

Sequoia: It was too good… okay, it was too good to be true. 

Kim: She thinks it's funny. 

Sequoia: So, it’s so funny. It's the funniest possible thing.

Kim: I don’t know… I do not… I do not know why she thinks it's funny. She thinks it's…

Sequoia: [laughs] She thinks it's the height of comedy.

Kim: She thinks it’s really funny that he's a tailor because he's sexy?

Sequoia: Because he’s sexy.

Kim: Sexiest guy at Hogwarts? Those thoughts aren’t connected. I'm worried. What are you talking about, Hermione?

Sequoia: Maybe, maybe, uh… Do you think that maybe the author thought a model? 

Kim: Ohh, maybe!

Sequoia: Yes.

Kim: So the clothes are being fitted…

Both: On him. [pause] [both laugh]

Kim: He's like a living mannequin. 

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Malfoy's job is…

Both: …living mannequin.

Sequoia: And it couldn't be… and that is the height of comedy. The absolute height of comedy. 

Kim: [laughing] Okay! According to Hermione. Hermione! What are you talking about?! "Very funny, Granger. What do you have?"

Sequoia: I'm an auror. I make pretty good money. And lots of overtime.

Kim: Yeah, unless you’re murked.

Kim: "Auror. Looks like I'm going to be supporting you and Melody."

Sequoia: I'm the breadwinner, bitch! She said, forgetting that he's professionally rich.

Kim: Yeah, he's rich. You don't need to work. 

Sequoia: You don't… yeah.

Kim: Neither of you need to work. I pulled her out of my pocket. "Here, you can have her."

Sequoia: Have we not… we… have we not…? There needs to be…

Kim: I think this is just the second day of home ec.

Sequoia: Right? But once you're given the egg, you need to work out some kind of a schedule. As presumably they just, like, had a fight over the name and then Hermione put the egg in her pocket…

Kim: And then left.

Sequoia: …and then that was the end of class. [laughs]

Kim: Yeah. It does seem like what happened last time. Yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right. 

Sequoia: Something, something, gender roles, something, something, something, something, huh?

Kim: "Here, you can have her." The egg's pink shell was shining in the light. I… I… I do wonder… you mentioned last time that it would be cool if they were, like, some kind of magical creature.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: I wonder if they are.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: We haven't really, like… they're pink and blue and they're small eggs.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Maybe they are a magical creature.

Sequoia: And I think that would kind of make the stakes higher.

Kim: Mmm. Mhm.

Sequoia: So, yeah.

Kim: Yeah, it's possible. "Why do I have to take her?" Malfoy said angrily. "For us to have an equal marriage!"

Sequoia: Hell yeah, you tell him!

Kim: I handed him a long piece of parchment.

Sequoia: Is this… is this Melody’s routine? [chuckles]

Kim: "What is this?" "The checklist," I said.

Sequoia: My god, it is!

Kim: She’s had this egg one day. Let's see what Hermione says you have to do to take care of Melody Anna Narcissa Malfoy. 

Sequoia: Oh my god, we get a… [whispering] okay. Yep, yeah, I'm ready. 

Kim: "See? Number one: every day at exactly seven fifteen, you have to clean her shell with this." I showed him a small rag. What? What?

Sequoia: [laughs] This specific rag, okay. Okay.

Kim: "It keeps the coat shiny.”

Sequoia: [sputters] Okay. [laughs] Sure, sure. Don't know what that means, sure.

Kim: It’s an egg?

Sequoia: It’s an egg.

Kim: You got no instructions from Sprout…

Sequoia: Zero.

Kim: On how to take care of this thing.

Sequoia: You put it in your pocket, you left, and you made all the instructions yourself.

Kim: Yup. "Number two: you give her a small bath in a bowl. You get it from the house elves, but don't worry; I already introduced them to Melody.”

Sequoia: Oh my god.

Kim: Go to the house elves, get a tiny bowl. [Sequoia laughs] Bathe the egg after you've wiped her.

Sequoia: To keep her coat shiny! I… oh my god.

Kim: What?

Sequoia: Do you think that she came and she was like explaining to the house elves? She was like, okay, every day at seven fifteen am I am going to need a small bowl. And here's why. Because this is my daughter, Melody Anna Narcissa Malfoy.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: And the house elves were like, [whispering] is she okay?

Kim: [whispering] No, she's not. 

Sequoia: She doesn't seem to…

Kim: Just give her the bowl.

Sequoia: That's an egg.

Kim: Give her the bowl. “But only every other day, because you don't want her to crack." So you wipe her every day and you…

Both: …bathe her every other day.

Kim: Except this is your second day of having the egg. 

Sequoia: So he shouldn't bathe her today.

Kim: So he should not bathe her.

Sequoia: But it's already past seven fifteen am.

Kim: Yeah, Hermione's wiped her down. I mean we've only had one seven fifteen, also.

Sequoia: That's true, so she… maybe she got bathed today. Not tomorrow, the next day. 

Kim: Mhm.

Sequoia: Nice.

Kim: Because you don't… you don't want her to crack, right? 

Sequoia: Right.

Kim: "Maybe I do," Malfoy muttered.

Sequoia: Wow.

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: That's a terrible thing to say about your child.

Kim: You are a terrible father. "He didn't mean that!" I said loudly.

Sequoia: Oh my god. Hermione, be cool! Oh, jeez! [laughs]

Kim: No chill. No chill. I think one thing that this author is doing really well is whatever it is they're doing to Hermione. It's really funny.

Sequoia: It is really funny.

Kim: They've captured a certain overbearingness.

Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, and it doesn't… she's like… she doesn't seem to be doing this thing for comedic effect. She's just like… she's so invested in the assignment and she wants to do the assignment as best as possible.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: And the assignment is treat this egg like a baby. 

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: So I'm gonna treat it exactly like I would treat a baby. 

Kim: Yes.

Sequoia: She did put it in her pocket earlier, but…

Kim: Well…

Kim: ‘Cause she hadn't gotten the baby carrier yet.

Sequoia: Right, right, right. 

Kim: Wait, god, can you imagine like, a front pack baby carrier that’s just got an egg in it? Hermione walking around Hogwarts like that.

Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]

Kim: That is what is happening! Just gonna strap the baby carrier to Draco now. You have to carry her. She likes to be on the front.

Sequoia: Oh, that's good.

Kim: Make sure you put enough sunscreen on her.

Sequoia: Oh my god. 

Kim: Oh. "Number three: every night you have to take h…" Malfoy cut in. "It's an egg, Granger!" I shrugged and handed Melody to him. "You better take good care of her! She's my grade!" Malfoy smirked.

Sequoia: I do believe that she is that gung ho about her grade. 

Kim: Oh, yeah.

Sequoia: Absolutely.

Kim: Oh, yeah. Unquestionably.

Sequoia: Yeah. 

Kim: "Don't worry, I will," he said. But I felt worried.

Sequoia: [laughs] As you should. 

Kim: And, unfortunately for all of us…

Sequoia: No! No!

Kim: …that is the end.

Sequoia: No!

Kim: Do you want to speculate a little bit about how Draco is going to fuck this up in the next chapter?

Sequoia: [chuckles] I feel like this was meant to be considerably longer.

Kim: Yeah?

Sequoia: Because they're still, like, not even in, like, a… she's thought a couple times that he's hot, but beyond that, like, they still need to build an entire relationship.

Kim: That's true. So you think… I mean, eventually the egg taking care of is going to go wrong.

Sequoia: Right.

Kim: It's probably going to be Draco's fault. And then they're gonna have to solve the problem together.

Sequoia: Together, yeah.

Kim: Bringing them together.

Sequoia: I think that he is going to set it down somewhere and then forget to take it with him? And then forget where he set it down. Because I think that…

Kim: That's a good one.

Sequoia: Yeah, I think it can't be that, like, the egg gets broken or anything.

Kim: Well, I was kind of thinking, along the lines of your magical creature idea, the egg hatches.

Sequoia: Hatches! Ooh, I like that, too.

Kim: Yeah.

Sequoia: Huh. 

Kim: And then they have to take care of the…

Both: …actual baby! Ooh.

Sequoia: That's good.

Kim: Yeah, I like that. I think… I also think maybe, like, one of her friends, like… Harry or Ron gets together with their partner. Probably Harry.

Sequoia: Probably Harry, yeah.

Kim: And then that kind of, like, pushes Hermione… or maybe Neville. Neville and Pansy, or Harry and Blaise maybe get together.

Sequoia: Yeah, one of the ones that was like…

Kim: And everyone’s, like, scandalized.

Sequoia: Yeah, that was like a really big ordeal.

Kim: Yeah. Everyone’s a little scandalized, and then Hermione and Draco were like, but what if…

Sequoia: Yeah?

Kim: What if us too?

Sequoia: Hmm.

Kim: Nice.

Sequoia: I like it. I like it.

Kim: Anyway. This story was so funny. And I love it very much.

Sequoia: I'm so sad that it's over.

Kim: Yeah. It's got a lot of potential. I'm not totally sure where they were going with it. 

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: Sometimes you get to the end of one of these and you're like, I know exactly where they were going with this.

Sequoia: So I didn't make a prediction, so we won't do our prediction wrap up as we usually would do at this portion of the episode, but we will go straight into a segment.

Kim: Sure! Who's that knocking on the door Sequoia? I think it's…

Both: …an OC!

Sequoia: This OC was written by Gretchen. Thanks so much for sending this in. This is a wild one. All right.

Kim: Whoo!

Sequoia: So Gretchen says that our new segment drop kicked her back to middle school. 

Kim: Nice!

Sequoia: And she remembered this.

Kim: Oh no.

Sequoia: When she was thirteen, she had an OC who's Draco Malfoy's older sister.

Kim: Nice!

Sequoia: Roxy Malfoy.

Kim: Nice. 

Sequoia: Roxy Malfoy is not at Hogwarts…

Kim: Because?

Sequoia: Because…

Kim: Because?!

Sequoia: Lucius faked her death.

Kim: What?!

Sequoia: So Lucius… they had… they had Draco, and then they were like, oh, good, we have a male heir to the line. So we're not gonna kill this girl…

Kim: Oh my god!

Sequoia: …we’re just gonna fake her death. No, that's not even the best part. We're going to fake her death. We’re going to turn her into a house elf that is going to work at the Malfoy Manor.

Kim: Wow, that’s so tragic!

Sequoia: That is so tragic. Draco is raised fully in knowledge of this experience.

Kim: Of course he is.

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: He’s a piece of shit.

Sequoia: He’s a piece of shit. [both chuckle] So most of the story that was written took place during, like, a AU type version of books four and five.

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: And the Malfoys were, like, stirring some shit up.

Kim: Uh huh.

Sequoia: They're trying not to put all their eggs in one basket ‘cause shit's getting really real, right? 

Kim: Mhm. Mhm.

Sequoia: So they send Roxy the house elf to work at Hogwarts for safekeeping, ‘cause Hogwarts is the safest place. And…

Kim: Seems like not such a safe place for your daughter who you've transfigured into a house elf who probably resents you for that fact.

Sequoia: Probably. [both laugh]

Kim: But fine.

Sequoia: Dobby then takes Roxy under his wing…

Kim: Okay.

Sequoia: …to help her out here at Hogwarts as a house elf. Naturally, Harry somehow discovers that Roxy wasn't actually a house elf, but in fact a very pretty girl with whom he desperately falls in love. 

Kim: Excellent!

Sequoia: So good.

Kim: How does he figure that out? Harry is the most unobservant person ever!

Sequoia: I don't know.

Kim: Maybe… maybe second to Ron.

Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. Definitely second to Ron.

Kim: ‘Kay.

Sequoia: But somehow he finds out. He doesn't find out that it's Malfoy's sister. He just finds out that it's a pretty girl, and falls in love.

Kim: Okay. Does she, like, transform back into a human under the full moon? That seems kind of like a folklore kind of thing.

Sequoia: It sounds like Draco isn't, like, all that bad. He's still like, oh, it's my sister, so he's been trying to figure out a way to turn her back into a human.

Kim: Okay, fine.

Sequoia: And he comes up with a potion or a spell of some kind that will turn her back into a human, but not permanently. So…

Both: …after midnight she turns into a pumpkin.

Sequoia: Exactly! Goddamnit. And then obviously Roxy is super beautiful. Long blonde hair, tall and willowy, with beautiful green eyes. And she's a lot nicer than the rest of the Malfoys, ‘cause she spent a lot of… most of her life as a house elf or something.

Kim: Sure.

Sequoia: She never gets sorted because she's in hiding, but Gretchen does think that she totally would have been a Gryffindor.

Kim: Right, of course.

Sequoia: Because…

Kim: Naturally.

Sequoia: Naturally. True. Harry does end up taking Roxy to the Yule Ball, I assume in human form, but maybe in house elf form.

Kim: Maybe not. [both chuckle] I like it, I like it, I like it.

Sequoia: Yeah, and that's as far as Roxy Malfoy's story ever went. But there you have it.

Kim: That's a… that's an interesting direction, and not one that I've seen. I like it!

Sequoia: That's… love that. Thank you so much Gretchen for sending that in. I absolutely loved it. 

Kim: Nice. All right, let's move into…

Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!

Kim: Man, it is still… woo! I wonder when that's going to stop being so exciting that we get to do that together.

Sequoia: I don't know. 

Kim: It's not yet. 

Sequoia: I dunno.

Kim: Your turn. I don't have anything, yeah. My rec list’s just a bunch of Christmas stuff! I don't want to talk about it. It's not Christmas. I'm going to save those for Christmas futures. Help me out here, Sequoia!

Sequoia: I'm gonna recommend a story today called Summer at Grimmauld Place. It is a missing scene where Ron and Hermione are together at Grimmauld Place before Harry arrives.

Kim: Huh.

Sequoia: And Ron has a botched attempt to tell Hermione that he likes her.

Kim: Yeah, that sounds so good. You are like… you've gotten a lot of missing moment Ron/Hermione stuff of late, and I am into it.

Sequoia: I love it. I love that shit.

Kim: Very good. Thank you.

Sequoia: You can find a link to that in the description of this episode. You can also find it on our website.

Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.

Sequoia: Also on our website is the story submission form. If you have a story that you'd like us to read, or you think that we would like, please send it over to us. We love getting those.

Kim: Also on our website you can find links to our merchandise. Those are links to our TeePublic where we have a lot of designs, including our new ones featuring Blaise and Zach. But also, we have merch on our website, that's where you can find Yes!! Glitter!!! and some cool bookmarks and stuff.

Sequoia: You can find us on social media @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook.

Kim: Send us your egg family stories.

Sequoia: We would like to hear them. Thank you!

Kim: Yes. If you like this podcast and you want to help us out, there are a few ways you can do that. Way number one: leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook, etc.

Sequoia: Yeah, or tell your animal who will then tell Mr. Kitty.

Kim: Right, right, right, right.

Sequoia: And also make sure to trick everyone. We've got some really good tricks coming through lately.

Kim: Yeah!

Sequoia: Shouts to the…

Kim: Some really mad people who are getting tricked into listening to Precious first.

Sequoia: Mhm. Yeah.

Kim: Which may not be the ideal way…

Sequoia: Yeah.

Kim: But it is a way to introduce someone to the podcast. 

Sequoia: #TrickYourWholeGeometryClass2021. You can also support us on Patreon. Over there we've got our community Discord where we do writing competitions, murder mystery parties, fanfiction roundtables…

Kim: We also have a whole backlog of bonus episodes that go back…

Sequoia: Oh my gosh.

Kim: How long have we been doing bonus episodes now?

Sequoia: Since 2019.

Kim: You've got a huge backlog of bonus episodes, if you're feeling a little sad that you've caught up on the podcast, you could… you're welcome to go check that out, maybe! We do one a month. 

Both: Sooo…

Sequoia: …go on over to Patreon.com/fanaticalfics and join the fam.

Kim: Yee.

Sequoia: At certain tiers, if you have been a patron for a certain amount of time, we will give you a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Kim is going to do today. Take it away, Kim.

Kim: Hermione knows that it's wrong. She knows that it's dangerous, but the allure of the time turner…

Sequoia: Oh no.

Kim: …she pocketed during that nasty business in the Department of Mysteries has become too powerful, laws of time and space be damned! She spins the dials and feels the years unspool around her. When the time vortex settles, she finds herself staring at exactly the four wizards she was looking for. “Hello, founders, I have some feedback about your administrative decisions regarding Hogwarts.” Can Hermione help the founders to set up a Hogwarts that is kinder, more equitable, and does anything to prepare its students for life after school? Can the timeline even be changed? And what will she do when she finds herself developing feelings…

Sequoia: Oh no.

Kim: …for a certain founder's daughter?

Sequoia: Oh no! Oh shit! Oh shit! [laughs] Damn, okay. Thank you so much to our patrons Shayla Trumbauer, Amelia Ishi, Brittney Patterson, Isabel Lau, Pernell Jensen, Shai Lang and Jamie R.

Kim: Your support means so so much to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thanks as well to the Whomping Willows, whose new album…

Both: …Revisionist History…

Kim: …is out now. 

Both: [wildly] Byeeeee!

Sequoia Thomas