Episode 98: The Female Gryffindor
Recommendation: What the Combined Forces of Gryffindor Know About Girls
http://www.kira-kira.net/fanfiction/2005/what-the-combined-forces-of-gryffindor-know-about-girls/
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Lauren
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So I hear you really scared one of our dear listeners the other day.
Sequoia: Oh, yes, I did, I had forgot. I very, very scared them and I much much apologize. [Kim laughs] But you are talking about the Google voice thing.
Kim: [laughs] I am!
Sequoia: I did! I did. I didn’t realize this initially, but the Google voice number that we set up for people [Kim laughs] to leave messages on for our summaries thing, it does connect directly to my cell phone. [Kim snorts] So if I’m not paying attention, which happened in this instance, I might pick up the phone. [Kim laughs] And I said, “Hello?” and they said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, who is this?” and they said, “I was calling to leave a summary?” and then we chatted for a minute. Mostly we both just laughed really hard for, like, a whole straight minute on the phone.
Kim: [laughs] Ohhh, man!
Sequoia: But it was good!
Kim: Sequoia probably won’t pick up the phone if you call.
Sequoia: [laughs] It real… it’s up in the air at this point, honestly. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone!
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Where we read Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And before we do that…
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: …we do some announcements. Well, sometimes we do some announcements and sometimes we just do some bullshit.
Kim: This is… I mean usua… it’s always bullshit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I did wanna talk about something, though.
Kim: Talk about something.
Sequoia: The day before yesterday…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …as of the release of this episode…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …we had our very first common room house party on Patreon.
Kim: I assume it went very well.
Sequoia: I also assume it went very well, but the reason I wanted to bring it up is because it was the Slytherin common room, and the Slytherins were therefore…
Kim: You let the Slytherins go first?
Sequoia: Yeah, of course I fucking did.
Kim: You’re so biased. Jesus fucking Christ. [laughs]
Sequoia: I know. I know. They had to pick a theme.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And you could, you know, there’s a lot to the theme. You can dress up… we dress up for the party, you know, and they chose fanfic pairings and tropes.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Ships and tropes was what they called it. Ships and tropes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So you can go to the party dressed as both parts [Kim snorts] of a fanfic pairing [Kim laughs] or as just like the physical embodiment of a fanfiction trope.
Kim: Uh huh. [Sequoia sighs] You’ve been a little tight lipped with me about what you’re planning to do.
Sequoia: I can say it now, because…
Kim: I still… this is spoiling me!
Sequoia: I can tell you. It’s spoiling you, but I can spoil you.
Kim: Okay. What are you doing?
Sequoia: And when this episode comes out I already will have done that. I am going to the party as a manic pixie dream girlll!
Kim: Ohhkay, all right.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: What are you gonna go as?
Kim: Uhhh.
Sequioa: Oh my god.
Kim: I came up with a new ship during story time the other day. [Sequoia laughs] Myself/Professor Binns, maybe I’ll do that.
Sequoia: [laughs at length] Yes, please do that. [laughs again]
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: That’s stupid and nothing and I like it. Thank you.
Kim: Okay. If you want to join in on those, you can always join our Patreon. You get access to the Discord at the lowest tier.
Sequoia: Another thing that’s coming up.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Another thing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Another thing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh my god. This is episode ninety eight.
Kim: Yeah. Every single number is weirding me out.
Sequoia: Every… is bigger! It’s bigger than the number before!
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yep.
Sequoia: Arrrgh! [laughs] We’re swiftly approaching episode one hundred.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So what that means is that it’s time for you to get in your [singing] summaries!
Kim: Because we want to feature your excellent voices on this subpar podcast. What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Ooh! Ooh, I feel burnt. I feel toasty. [both laugh]
Kim: I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. Please… fuck! Write us a summary in the style of our end of episode Patreon thanks, no more than three hundred words, and then read it to us and either leave that reading in our voicemail, Sequoia probably will not pick up the phone.
Sequoia: We’ll see.
Kim: But we’ll see.
Sequoia: We will see.
Kim: You might have to say hi to Sequoia. [both laugh] Or email it to us as an mp3 file if you don’t wanna risk having to talk to Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] Our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: We did wanna do a very quick social media shout out. Shout out to Jessica, we really wanted to reassure you that though you did… though you did…
Kim: Send us a fic that confused us. Greatly. Very confused.
Sequoia: Maybe cause a little bit of friction…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …you have not torn this family apart.
Kim: We’re still here. We’re stronger than ever. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Woo! Okay, do you wanna read some… well, do you want ME to read YOU some Harry Potter fanfiction?
Kim: Are you reading your Valentine’s fic?
Sequoia: No, I’m not. [both laugh]
Kim: Are you gonna tell us when you finally do, or is that just gonna be a secret?
Sequoia: Nope, that’s a secret I get to keep to myself, thank you very much. Whoo!
Kim: Okay, all right.
Sequoia: All right, let’s fucking do this, my dude. Everybody make predictions. You out there, you listeners, make predictions. Tweet them at us, #FanficDivination.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Answer our instagram story. Email them to us.
Kim: Post them in the Discord.
Sequoia: Write them on a piece of paper, stick them in a bottle, and then put that bottle into the ocean.
Kim: Yes, I think you’ve said that before.
Sequoia: Have I? Damn it. That’s a good one, though. [both laugh]
Kim: What are our clues, Sequoia?
Sequoia: This fanfiction is called The Female Gryffindor.
Kim: Excuse me? Oh. Huh. Okay
Sequoia: It is…
Kim: That… that title is saying… it’s so few words but I feel like it’s saying a lot.
Sequoia: It’s saying less than you think it is.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Is… I’m… I’m just gonna tell you, right off the bat.
Kim: Dang.
Sequoia: I mean, it is telling you something, but it is saying less than you think it is.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: It came out post Goblet of Fire. [Kim laughs] And it is romance/adventure.
Kim: You’ve been killing it with these adventure tags recently.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: I usually am disappointed in them.
Sequoia: I mean. Prepare. Prepare yourself. [laughs]
Kim: You fucker.
Sequoia: I will… I will give y’all a little bit of a clue.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: This is the first two chapters…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …of what surely what was meant to be a fifty-plus chapter long fanfiction.
Kim: Great. This is what my problem usually is with these adventure stories. They don’t go anywhere.
Sequoia: They don’t go anywhere.
Kim: Because of our word limit.
Sequoia: But they… it does something. It introduces something.
Kim: All right, so when I first started to parse that title I was really hoping that this would be, like, a descendent of Gryffindor.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Like a female member of the Gryffindor line. I’m guessing that’s actually not it though. This is just a girl who’s in Gryffindor.
Sequoia: I mean, the title is telling you something.
Kim: It’s telling me something, I don’t know that I wanna trust it. Fuck. There’s gonna be swords!
Sequoia: [laughs] Prediction number one, there’s gonna be swords.
Kim: Prediction number two, someone will cast magic in a way other than using a wand.
Sequoia: Mmmmm.
Kim: Prediction number three. This is… Harmony? Did you say romance?
Sequoia: I did say romance.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Harmony.
Kim: Man, I hate Harmony.
Sequoia: Okay. Well, those were predictions.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Thank you for them.
Kim: They were! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thank you for them. Whoo! ALL right. And now that everyone has their predictions in, everyone… everyone. It is time to begin. The Female Gryffindor. Fiona Gryffindor is the first female in the line of Gryffindor.
Kim: Well, fuck me! [Sequoia laughs] Just fuck me straight up and down! Fuck, fuck, fuck! [both laugh at length] I’m fucking leaving!
Sequoia: [laughs] The first line! [laughs]
Kim: I haven’t done this particular mistake in a long time.
Sequoia: Oh man! Gotcha. [Kim sighs] You should’ve trusted your first instinct.
Kim: Yeah. I guess I should have. So Fiona Gryffindor… [laughs]
Sequoia: Fiona Gryffindor…
Kim: The first girl.
Sequoia: …is the first female in the line of Gryffindor.
Kim: Ever.
Sequoia: Ever.
Kim: That’s weird.
Sequoia: I mean, this is… this is not set in trio era, so.
Kim: Excellent. Is this Marauders era? Is she gonna get shipped with Sirius please? Pleeeease, please, please, please.
Sequoia: It is not Marauders area… era. It is pre-Marauders era.
Kim: Baller. Please continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] At age five, her mother told her not to worry. She would marry her cousin, Kaso [pronounced like Kay-so] Gryffindor.
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Kaso [pronounced like CASS-oh] Gryffindor? Kaso Gryffindor, let’s say. K-A-S-O. I’m gonna go with CASS-oh.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Because I don’t wanna… his name’s not Queso.
Kim: Queso! [Sequoia laughs] Maybe he’s cheesy and delicious.
Sequoia: Her mother told her not to worry. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about anything.
Kim: Don’t worry about ending the Gryffindor name line.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: We’ll just marry ya to your cousin and keep the bloodline pure.
Sequoia: Mhm. Super pure. Very pure.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Fiona Gryffindor sulked while getting on the red steam train called the Hogwarts Express.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She had lived in Hogwarts her whole life.
Kim: Huh? [laughs]
Sequoia: She just… apparently if you’re, like, a direct descendent you just live there.
Kim: Okay. I mean, I guess if professors have families it would probably stand to reason that their kids would probably grow up in or around Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s true.
Kim: All of the professors we see are conspicuously single.
Sequoia: They are. [both laugh] That’s weird. That’s a weird one.
Kim: Super weird.
Sequoia: Her parents just wanted her to ride the train with her fiancé.
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Her fiancé was her bloody cousin, Kaso Gryffindor.
Kim: Right, you just told us that. It… it’s fine.
Sequoia: We had to do some establishing, and then we had to jump into her brain.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Tiger and Lion, what her parents were often called…
Kim: Oh dear. Wait.
Sequoia: Tiger Gryffindor and Lion Gryffindor! [laughs]
Kim: Oh dear. Oh dear! Oh dear!
Sequoia: What? What? And the thing is, they spend this whole fanfiction calling them Tiger and Lion, and she says what her parents were often called, so…
Kim: Their names?
Sequoia: …they may have different names.
Kim: They’re nicknames.
Sequoia: Why would you nickname them Tiger and Lion?
Kim: Well, Lion makes sense.
Sequoia: But Tiger? Big cat. Okay. [laughs] Tiger and Lion, what her parents were often called…
Kim: I assumed that those were gonna be her owls.
Sequoia: Ooh!
Kim: Or her pets.
Sequoia: That’d be cool.
Kim: She has an owl and a cat. Named Tiger and Lion.
Sequoia: Is her owl… is her owl called Tiger or Lion?
Kim: Uhh, Tiger.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay. Her parents just wanted to keep the bloody family name.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She had to be a bloody dainty lady.
Kim: Why? Okay.
Sequoia: I dunno. ‘Cause she’s… this is a dainty time period.
Kim: Okay. I’m really unclear on what the time period is.
Sequoia: We don’t really get to know what the time period is.
Kim: It’s after the train started running.
Sequoia: After the train started running.
Kim: But Gryffindors still existed.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I like this, like, parental relationship where not only do you not call your parents Mom and Dad, but you call them by some weird nicknames that they have.
Sequoia: [laughs] I used to call my dad Homespread.
Kim: Was that just your nickname for him? Or was that a common nickname for your dad?
Sequoia: I mean, me and Chloe both called him Homespread.
Kim: So a common nickname…
Sequoia: Yeah. We’d come home and we’d be like, what’s up Homespread?
Kim: …his friends call him! [both laugh] Yeah, all right, fine. You and Chloe and your dad are cooler than all of us, whateverrr!
Sequoia: She had to be a bloody dainty lady. She’d show them.
Kim: [laughs] Okay. What?
Sequoia: Despite her rebel thoughts, Fiona never did anything of the kind.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: She’d never run away, or showed any backlash. But then again, she never saw her parents to rebel against them.
Kim: Aww. What’re they doing?
Sequoia: I dunno.
Kim: Out wrestling big cats! [both laugh] Okay, so she grew up at Hogwarts, so her parents, when she was younger, hung out around Hogwarts a lot? But she hasn’t seen them recently? What is happening?
Sequoia: I think she grew up at Hogwarts because she’s a direct descendant of Gryffindor.
Kim: And that’s their house.
Sequoia: And that’s their house. That’s their house.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And their parents are like, I dunno, they’re wizarding famous. They’re probably going around and giving motivational speeches.
Kim: Wrestling big cats. [Sequoia laughs] I’m sticking with it, dude.
Sequoia: Okay, fine. They’re wrestling big cats somewhere, and so she just doesn’t see them that often. But when she does see them they like to remind her that, one, she’s gonna marry her cousin, and two, she needs to be a dainty lady.
Kim: Why can’t her cousin just inherit? Fucking whatever.
Sequoia: Also why can’t she just keep the name?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Why can’t she just marry any… any whomever?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And they take her last name.
Kim: Yeah. Her name’s better than theirs, probably.
Sequoia: Probably. We’ll see. I dunno. Who are we gonna… who are we gonna see her making some eyes at later? We’ll see.
Kim: Is it a Slytherin? Oh god, I hope so. [Sequoia laughs] It is, isn’t it?
Sequoia: You’ll see!
Kim: Isn’t it!?
Sequoia: In the text!
Kim: Fuck!
Sequoia: Fiona knew the castle better than any student will, or has, or is going to. She would help pranksters with their pranks, or outcasts find a special place. In that way, she was kind. Imagine being a student and this, like, five year old walks up to you and is like…
Kim: I know where makeout point is. [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: Don’t look around all innocently like who said that!
Kim: Who said that?
Sequoia: Who said that? [laughs] Oh, that’s funny. Most people didn’t describe Fiona as kind, though. They thought her clumsy, rude, and even obnoxious.
Kim: Is she?
Sequoia: Is she rude and obnoxious and clumsy?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She couldn’t help being clumsy; blame her parents.
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I have no idea. I do not know what that means.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Are her parents clumsy? I think you can’t be clumsy if your occupation is to wrestle big cats.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: Yeah. Like, that seems really dangerous.
Kim: Maybe they didn’t send her to a very good finishing school and they didn’t teach her poise.
Sequoia: Ohh, like she can’t put a book on her head and walk across the room?
Kim: Yeah, yeah. And that’s why it’s her parents fault.
Sequoia: That’s a major failing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm, that is… that is really sad.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s the saddest part of this whole story so far. [both laugh] Rude was only because she wasn’t a lady. Fiona was herself, and decided to tell people that. She’s clumsy…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and she’s unique…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and so she’s bound to find love.
Kim: Right? [Sequoia laughs] I’m like, oh my god. Why are these the traits that ev-ery he-ro-ine has?!
Sequoia: I don’t know, I just don’t care about what society thinks of me, oops I just tripped!
Kim: Is clumsiness so necessary?
Sequoia: I have no idea why that is. No idea. I just… she’s just like… like, you know, I just need… I have fallen around all over the place and keep dropping my stuff everywhere, so obviously what this story needs to do is insert someone to help me.
Kim: Clumsiness is a very convenient plot device to have your heroine trip and fall into their future significant other’s arms.
Sequoia: Right. Right, right, right.
Kim: So if you establish the clumsiness right off the bat, then you don’t have to…
Sequoia: Then you don’t have to do any story work?
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: She would skip important dinners, make rude gestures at her fiancé…
Kim: Why!
Sequoia: …and ignore her parents.
Kim: Why!? What did he do?
Sequoia: She’s just, like, constantly giving her fiancé the bird. Like literally at all times.
Kim: Hey, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Sequoia: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Kim: Fuck you.
Sequoia: Fuck youuu! Kaso!
Kim: Tiger and Lion are like, we cannot… [both laughing] we cannot… we are going to Africa to wrestle lions.
Sequoia: I cannot deal with this!
Kim: [laughing] Flip off your cousin one more time, we are leaving!
Sequoia: [laughs] And she ignored her parents, and she says fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Kaso!
Kim: You know what? Constantly flipping off your cousin IS rude! [Sequoia laughs] Fiona! Listen to me! It’s like, yeah, it sucks that you’re being forced to marry him or whatever, but do you have to be so mean to him?
Sequoia: Yeah. This is… like, I don’t think he has a choice in this matter either.
Kim: He doesn’t have a say in this either! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. My god. She didn’t care. Why would she? “Go,” snapped her aunt, who was tired of her lack of attention. We’re back at the…
Kim: ‘Cause she’s… she’s flipping her aunt off.
Sequoia: [makes random sounds] I don’t even care! Why would I care!? [Kim laughs] I’m rude, I’m clumsy! And then she trips.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Okay, so we’re at the train station, right.
Kim: Sure, fine. [laughs]
Sequoia: “Go,” snapped her aunt, who was tired of her lack of attention. “We only agreed to the marriage to keep the family name.”
Kim: Is that the aunt?
Sequoia: Yes. So that’s her… her fiancé’s mother. Who’s just like ugh. This girl is so annoying, I only…
Kim: Like, we can’t stand you either.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: You’re so rude. Could you stop?
Sequoia: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Fiona frankly couldn’t care less.
Kim: Is this Fiona’s first year at Hogwarts?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I think we are being led to believe that she is eleven years old.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And she is a tyrant. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Take the marriage back, by all means. I wouldn’t mind.” She stepped into the compartment. “He’s a heartless person.”
Kim: Oh! We don’t know anything about Kaso. [both laugh] Heartless person! He’s eleven!
Sequoia: Heartless person.
Kim: How terrible can this eleven year old be?
Sequoia: He’s eleven!
Kim: Okay, I guess we don’t know that Kaso is eleven. I’m sorry, I retract that.
Sequoia: No, he’s eleven.
Kim: Oh, he’s the same age as her. Okay.
Sequoia: He is eleven, yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And he’s already grown to be a heartless person and she’s already grown to be…
Kim: Rude!
Sequoia: …just like, fuckin’ rude. [both laugh] “Go and be rid of you! My son is very well mannered, thank you very much!” “You’re not welcome.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Kim: Oh my god! I would leave. Anywhere but near this kid.
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s like, oh man, I really wish I hadn’t agreed to this marriage.
Kim: I did an unbreakable oath. Why did we do that? That was stupid!
Sequoia: Yeah. That was a really terrible idea. [laughs]
Kim: Stupid, stupid!
Sequoia: “You’re not welcome.” She smiled at the lady who scowled back and closed the door. Inside, she found Kaso, her fiancé, and one of the Potter boys.
Kim: Oh my god. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ooh, here it is.
Kim: Got ‘em! They’re here!
Sequoia: Here they are, buh duh duh duh.
Kim: Is it Fleamont?
Sequoia: Fleamont?
Kim: That’s Harry’s grandpa.
Sequoia: Oh. No, it’s not.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughing] Also I didn’t know Harry’s grandpa’s name was Fleamont!
Kim: Yeah, bud! It’s a good name, right?
Sequoia: Damn! Harry should’ve been called Fleamont the second.
Kim: Yeah, right! It’s a good name!
Sequoia: It’s a great name.
Kim: Harry, boring. Fleamont, great!
Sequoia: [laughing] You’re gonna love this name. Whoo! “What are you doing here?” she asked. Kaso rolled his eyes, but the Potter boy didn’t. “If you didn’t notice, I’m your fiancé.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Really?” she replied sarcastically. “Imagine that.” “Shut up,” he said gruffly. “It’s not like I want to marry an ungrateful wench!” [Kim sputters] “And I do?” she asked.
Kim: Is she calling him an ungrateful wench?
Sequoia: She’s calling him an ungrateful wench! [both laugh]
Kim: That’s good, that’s good.
Sequoia: Sure. These two are on fire.
Kim: This is great, this is great banter. And man, both these kids fucking suck.
Sequoia: They’re like, yeah, I kinda…
Kim: Are we supposed to like these kids?
Sequoia: …I think I kinda want them to end up together even though he’s her cousin and that’s weird, but like, they seem to deserve each other.
Kim: They’re eleven. Sequoia.
Sequoia: They suck! [both laugh] “And I do?” she asked. Her voice took on a high, falsetto tone. “You have to keep up the name, Fiona! I bred you to be a considerate young lady.” [Kim laughs] The Potter boy spoke up finally. “Where are your bags?” he asked. This proved to be a difficult subject also.
Kim: Why? They’re already at Hogwarts, just say that. It’s not… oh my god.
Sequoia: Listen, she doesn’t wanna talk to anyone, she doesn’t wanna look at anyone, she doesn’t wanna… [laughs]
Kim: Fiiine.
Sequoia: “Tiger and Lion put them in the Gryffindor tower.”
Kim: Oh god! If she doesn’t end up in Gryffindor, she’s gonna get…
Sequoia: Disowned.
Kim: …in trouble.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! Hey, what if she doesn’t get into Gryffindor? Maybe she won’t have to marry Kaso.
Kim: Yeah. She could just get disinherited right off the bat. That could be…
Sequoia: Exactly, that could be ideal for everyone involved.
Kim: Honestly, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Just… well, Hufflepuff doesn’t want her.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Ravenclaw? What do you think? Probably not?
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: I think she’s a Slytherin.
Sequoia: She seems kind of pretentious. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, maybe Ravenclaw. We gettin’ spicy today. Oh my goodness, let’s rein it back in.
Sequoia: Ohh okay. “Don’t you have to be sorted?” “Oh, I will, but they believe I’ll be a Gryffindor. What house do you think you’ll be in?” “Probably Ravenclaw.” “That’s a good house. Quite a few people there. Even a few pranksters.”
Kim: What is she… okay.
Sequoia: ‘Cause she’s… you know, she knows everything.
Kim: She’s in the know. Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: She’s in the know. She grew up there. She’s…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She has…
Kim: Hogwarts would not be a good finishing school for a young lady.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It’s probably why she’s so clumsy, ‘cause no one raised her!
Sequoia: [laughs] Her parents just left her in this big castle to go wrestle big cats, and then like, expected her to be brought up…
Kim: Well?
Sequoia: Well.
Kim: At all.
Sequoia: A considerate young lady?
Kim: Oops.
Sequoia: Oops-a-daisy. Kaso interrupted. “You’re supposed to support Gryffindor, Fiona, not Ravenclaw.” He emphasized a few of the Os in Fiona’s name.
Kim: There’s only one ‘O’ in Fio-o-na.
Sequoia: I think it’s meant to say that he inserted many Os.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: So there… so he said, “You’re supposed to support Gryffindor, Fioooooooona.”
Kim: I like Kay-so.
Sequoia: [laughing] Why?!
Kim: ‘Cause Fiona doesn’t.
Sequoia: “I’m supposed to support inter-house relationships, too, Kaso.”
Kim: Oh, Kasooooo.
Sequoia: Kasooooo. [both laugh]
Kim: Man, this Potter kid needs to leave.
Sequoia: “Forgive her, Kevin,” said Kaso…
Kim: Kevin!
Sequoia: Yes, I told you you’d like it!
Kim: Kevin’s a good name.
Sequoia: Kevin! Kevin Potter! He’s here! [laughs]
Kim: Kevin. Yeah, that’s a good name.
Sequoia: Kevin. …said Kaso to the Potter boy. “She’s a little off. You should be in Gryffindor.” “He can be in whatever house he wants.” “Go away.”
Kim: Who said that, did Fiona tell Kay-so and Kevin to go away?
Sequoia: No, Kay-so told her to go away!
Kim: Yeah. I think you should probably just leave, Fiona.
Sequoia: “He can be in whatever house he wants.” “Go away.” “Fine, I will.” Fiona left. And now we go to chapter two.
Kim: Excellent. Do these chapters have chapter titles?
Sequoia: They don’t. [Kim sighs] I know. After the infuriating train trip, Fiona Gryffindor got out of the train compartment that she had just…
Kim: Did she not leave? Did she antagonize them the whole trip?
Sequoia: Oh, no, she went into a different cabin.
Kim: Oh, right. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I was… I was thinking about something else.
Sequoia: [laughs] She went into another train compartment full of girls, because it says she leaves the train compartment. So did the annoying, talkative girls. Fiona preferred Ravenclaw girls to overly pompous ladies.
Kim: That doesn’t mean anything.
Sequoia: I have no idea. Here’s the thing, no one’s been sorted yet.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So what are you talking about?
Kim: Also Fiona thinks that anyone that’s not constantly flipping everyone off is overly pompous.
Sequoia: [laughs] She’s like, none of these girls have tripped one time…
Kim: None of them are flipping people off…
Sequoia: …or flipped anyone off.
Kim: …even though I’m flipping all of them off.
Sequoia: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. And none of them… not even one of them has denounced Tiger and Lion one time. [Kim laughs] The whole time we’ve been here. Fiona thought herself the same as others, and her ancestor had created Hogwarts! She had never been arrogant.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: Her looks were simple. I like… this is like, we’re finally getting a description of what she looks like, in chapter two.
Kim: That’s interesting, we usually get those like, IMMEDIATELY.
Sequoia: Yeah. Before anything happens.
Kim: They must’ve realized they forgot. [Sequoia laughs] Oh shit, I forgot to put a description.
Sequoia: They got a comment that was like, what do they look like?
Kim: Yes! Every comment section is like, you could add more descriptions of what they look like and what they’re wearing, because we all thought that’s what good literature was…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …and I don’t know why we thought that.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know! Her looks were simple: a light brown hair with blonde highlights that framed her face.
Kim: How does she have highlights? It’s like 1780.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t know. [laughs]
Kim: When were trains invented? Never mind, I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.
Sequoia: Do you want… do you wanna look up when trains were invented?
Kim: I do not! I am going to just be wrong on the podcast!
Sequoia: Seventeen…!
Kim: It wasn’t 1780, I know that. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck.
Sequoia: Tweet at us if you know when trains were invented.
Kim: Don’t tweet at us, I don’t fucking care!
Sequoia: Light brown hair with blonde highlights that framed her face. It was overly straight and always tangled. Clear, pale skin, and a regular-sized nose. [Kim snorts] She has a thing about the size of people’s noses…
Kim: Oh, does she?
Sequoia: …that I can’t wait for you to see.
Kim: Okay. I guess that’s fine. No, it’s weird, don’t do that.
Sequoia: The only thing odd about her was her eyes.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: What do you think? What do you think?
Kim: They’re red and gold.
Sequoia: Ooooh.
Kim: No, they change colors, don’t they?
Sequoia: They were purple.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: A radiant purple, as her mother would say.
Kim: That’s… that’s not that interesting.
Sequoia: A wicked purple, as her aunt would say.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: ‘Cause her aunt hates her because she won’t stop flipping her off. [laughs]
Kim: Fuck you, aunt! This kid’s eleven! Like, who cares what you look like? All children look the same.
Sequoia: [laughing] What?
Kim: Please don’t tweet at me about anything I say in this episode. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Sequoia: Man! Okay. All the other girls had blue or brown eyes, blonde or brunette hair, and small noses, mostly.
Kim: What? Oookay. Okay.
Sequoia: I don’t like these girls, they’re boring…
Kim: Their noses are too small.
Sequoia: …their noses are too small, and they never trip over anything. Like, what kind of a person is that even?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Amazingly, she realized, Kevin had been big nose free, leaving him with a small sized one. This was important to Fiona for no reason. Just her own private thoughts.
Kim: Fiona likes the size of Kevin’s nose. Is that what we’re getting here?
Sequoia: Yep. Mhm.
Kim: Because it’s small?
Sequoia: Small.
Kim: But she didn’t like the girls…
Sequoia: She didn’t like the girls with small noses.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: A short but strong man called, “First years over to the west! First years west!”
Kim: [laughing] He’s different from Hagrid ‘cause he’s short!
Sequoia: You gotta…
Kim: I can’t just have this be Hagrid. He’s short?
Sequoia: There we go. Not Hagrid any more.
Kim: Got it! Nice job, author.
Sequoia: Still strong, though.
Kim: Proud of you.
Sequoia: Still strong, yeah.
Kim: Well, yeah. Groundskeeper. You gotta lift the…
Both: …grounds? [both laugh]
Kim: That was remarkably stupid.
Sequoia: That was so dumb! I’m crying! What was that?
Kim: I don’t know! [both continue laughing]
Sequoia: Okay! Okay. I’m gonna pull it together, I’m gonna pull it together, we’re gonna keep doing the podcast.
Kim: No you won’t! You haven’t been in control at any point during this.
Sequoia: Okay! Whoo. Yes. When he thought they were all gathered, he said, “All right, all of you. Two ladies, two men to a boat.”
Kim: Why? What? Okay. Never mind. I don’t care, but what?
Sequoia: I dunno. I dunno.
Kim: You have to line up boy girl boy girl. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Girls line up by height, boys line up by the first letter of your last name. “Help her now,” he added to a small boy, who had been enjoying the scene of a nearby girl, who, every time a tiny movement in the water came near her, she squealed and ran away. It was amusing. Fiona climbed randomly into a boat, not noticing the other people.
Kim: [singing] Who’s in the boat?
Sequoia: Who’s in the boat!? Guesses?
Kim: It’s gotta be a Slytherin, right?
Sequoia: In the boat?
Kim: She’s gotta fall for a Slytherin, right? Or Kevin. Is she gonna fall for Kevin? Please continue. Or is she gonna make the same friends that Harry makes? Is she gonna have a Muggleborn friend and a Weasley?
Sequoia: Hmm, we’ll see. The man said, “Forward!” and the boats began to row themselves. The little boats tipped forward slightly, causing many shrieks from a few girls.
Kim: You know, this poor author. I feel bad for them. I’m gonna… I was almost about to dunk on them, but I actually do kinda feel bad for them. The kind of like, Fiona’s not like regular girls…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …she’s a cool girl.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Puberty was a rough time.
Sequoia: It was! [laughs] Deep down under the misty green-blue surface, a light seemed to brighten, then fade as they moved on. It was the moon, she realized. It brightened their path with ripples of light. Above, the stars and the moon began to show, and the moon was full and bright. The couple of bright stars that stood out showed against the soft blue of the evening. One star was very bright, though Fiona noticed she did not know which star it was.
Kim: This is nice. Wait, that was nice.
Sequoia: Right, that was a very nice passage.
Kim: Yeah. She’s getting a nice view of the castle that she wouldn’t have normally, I think.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I bet she’s glad she went on the train ride!
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Fiona!
Sequoia: You get to go on the boat!
Kim: Get to go on the boat! [Sequoia laughs] Get to see! Enjoy the boat ride, damnit! She is enjoying the boat ride.
Sequoia: She is, she is.
Kim: Listen to your parents!
Sequoia: When she had gotten used to the shifting of the boats, she turned to look around. Next to her was a blonde haired, blue eyed girl. She flipped her hair casually. She stared interested at the boys in front of her.
Kim: Is this gonna be a mean Malfoy? Oh, I hope there’s a mean Malfoy.
Sequoia: [laughs] The boy right in front did not interest her - more disgusted her.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: The one diagonal was calmly accepted.
Kim: By the blonde girl or by Fiona?
Sequoia: I think by the blonde girl, I think the blonde girl is, like, looking around like, hmm, any viable prospects? And then being like, yeah, absolutely not in one direction and then in the other direction being like meh.
Kim: Meh. Okay.
Sequoia: Fine. He was a black haired boy. His eyes were hazel, and they seemed to speak of autumn coming.
Kim: Cute.
Sequoia: His features were normal, mostly.
Kim: Is this Kevin?
Sequoia: Can you hold for the text please?
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] Clearly not!
Sequoia: Hazel eyes were odd, like her purple. They had thought to be evil in the past, until they saw a baby born with them.
Kim: Hazel eyes?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Who thought hazel eyes were evil?
Sequoia: People.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But until they saw a baby born with them. Babies are always innocent. [both snort] People just thought your eyes turned hazel when you turned into an evil person?
Kim: Now, when Fiona says people, does she mean herself?
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know. You ever seen a baby with hazel eyes, huh? Huh? HUH?
Kim: I don’t know, all babies look the same!
Sequoia: Goddamnit. Whooo. Fiona realized who it was: Kevin Potter.
Kim: Uh huh. He looks like James.
Sequoia: I do like that she looked around the boat and had to like catalog his features before being like, huh, I just met that guy.
Kim: That’s Kevin!
Sequoia: That’s Kevin!
Kim: All right! Kevin. She’s seeing him in a new light. The light of the full moon…
Sequoia: Of the moon.
Kim: … and the stars, on the boat.
Sequoia: On the lake.
Kim: On the lake.
Both: Very romantic!
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Keviiin.
Sequoia: Keviiin. The other girl’s like, eh, Kevin’s fine. Whatever. Kevin noticed her looking at him. He smiled at her. He looked at the other… to the other boy, to the girl, and back to the boy. He grinned. Fiona realized who the other boy was.
Kim: Is it her cousin?
Sequoia: It’s Kaso! [laughs]
Kim: Fiona! What…
Sequoia: Fiona! What the fuck, dude!
Kim: Oh dear… oh dear child! Jeez Fiona.
Sequoia: She’s looked at Kaso like…
Kim: Is, okay.
Sequoia: …at least five times.
Kim: Wait, no. Please hold… wait, no, is Fiona… is Fiona gonna fall for Kevin? Is Fiona Harry’s ancestor? Is Fiona face blind?
Sequoia: Is Fiona face blind!? [both laugh]
Kim: It’s… it’s hereditary! It’s hereditary!
Sequoia: That’s where Harry gets it, it’s a trait that’s passed down!
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: I got my face blindness from my great-great-great-great-great-grandparents.
Kim: My… my plot… my plot-furthering face blindness.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s very good. Kaso Gryffindor! He was staring at the blonde with a look of romantic interest.
Kim: [splutters] Fuck. No he’s fucking not. He’s eleven.
Sequoia: The flip of the girl’s hair had not interested Kevin, but had stolen an already engaged boy’s heart.
Kim: Kaso does not like Fiona!
Sequoia: Yeah, no, you clearly don’t like each other at all.
Kim: No! Is it a Malfoy? I gotta know!
Sequoia: Hold for the fucking text.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: “Boys,” she thought. “Always after looks. Well, almost always,” she added, looking at Kevin. That’s… that’s nothing. That’s nothing.
Kim: What are you talking about. What are you talking about?
Sequoia: Fiona grinned back. It was rather funny. Obviously not to the blonde. Kaso opened his mouth and stuttered a bit before saying, “I… I… I’m Kaso Gryffindor. Who are you?”
Kim: Smooth.
Sequoia: “Alanna Lynx,” she snapped.
Kim: Oh. What?
Sequoia: She’s not anyone.
Kim: She’s not anyone.
Sequoia: She’s Alanna Lynx.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: But I do think it’s fun that she has a big cat last name.
Kim: Alanna is the main character of the Lioness quartet by Tamora Pierce, and I’m wondering if… [laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Although if she’s a bad guy, she’s probably not named after her.
Sequoia: I don’t know that she’s a bad guy.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I think that she’s just like… like, a little prissy, and so immediately Fiona is like, not as… as chill with her…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because Fiona is a… is a dick, but like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Uh. [laughs]
Kim: It’s a cool name. It is a cool name. I would… I would steal it too.
Sequoia: It is cool. …she snapped, not rudely, but clearly showing her detest to the boy. But not rudely.
Kim: Wait. She’s detestful of Kay-so?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Kay-so just has a vibe, okay?
Kim: What did Kay-so do?
Sequoia: He’s just got a vibe!
Kim: Oops. Aww.
Sequoia: Fiona almost felt sorry for Kaso.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Almost.
Kim: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Sequoia: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Kim: She’s like doing ‘em kind of on the down low, like on the sly. Like… [makes jeering noises] [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Below the waist so that nobody else in the boat can see them.
Sequoia: “Who are you?” Alanna added to Kevin and Fiona on a lighter note. “I’m Kevin Potter.” “And I’m Fiona, and unfortunately, Gryffindor.” “Why do you not want to have the last name of a Gryffindor? It’s a very well thought of family. And your ancestor helped create Hogwarts,” Alanna said. “I know [both laugh] but when you’re the first…”
Kim: Shit!
Sequoia: This bitch.
Kim: Is she just gonna dump all her shit on this person she just met?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That she didn’t even like very much?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She was like, she’s pretty so I don’t like her. Now I’m gonna dump all my shit on her. [Sequoia laughs] Wow!
Sequoia: “I know, but when you’re the first female of a family who wants to preserve its name with only one child, you get married to bad people. For instance, I’m the fiancée of Kaso over there.” “Oh, I see,” Alanna nodded gravely. [both laugh] And now they’re beeest friends!
Kim: Well, you know, I’m proud of Fiona for giving Alanna a chance.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s something.
Sequoia: Yeah sure. Yeah.
Kim: That’s something. Are we at the end yet? I feel like we’re about at the end.
Sequoia: We are almost at the end here.
Kim: All right. I’m emotionally preparing myself for the end.
Sequoia: “I would not like to be pre-married. What will you do if you find love?” she asked. “Run away,” Fiona said simply. [both laugh] She was nice, sort of. Alanna had a good… had good sense and understanding on her shoulders.
Kim: [singing] You just met her. You just met her!
Sequoia: [singing] You just met her.
Kim: [singing] Ten seconds ago!
Sequoia: [singing] And you’ve already made approximately two snap judgments about her!
Kim: Oh wow.
Sequoia: “What house do you want to be in? I was thinking Ravenclaw. Or Gryffindor,” she added because of the two Gryffindors sitting there.
Kim: She felt pressured into it.
Sequoia: Yeah, she felt peer pressured. “Gryffindor.”
Kim: Uhh I guess Gryffindor’s not so bad!
Sequoia: “Gryffindor,” stated Kaso in a…
Kim: Cheese!
Sequoia: …Kaso in a meek yet bold you-should-wanna-be-in-Gryffindor type of voice. “I wanna be in Ravenclaw,” answered Kevin.
Kim: Nobody cares what you think, Kevin!
Sequoia: Fucking whatever, Kevin! [both laugh] “Ravenclaw is a good house. You both would do well there,” said Fiona. She ignored the daggers from Kaso. “Where would you be, do you think?” asked Alanna. “I could be in Slytherin…”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “...or Gryffindor…”
Kim: Mmhm.
Sequoia: “...or Ravenclaw,” she replied.
Kim: Mm-mm. Nah!
Sequoia: Her voice rose to suggest she liked Ravenclaw the most.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “You’re a disgrace to the name of Gryffindor!” yelled the brown-haired, brown-eyed Kay-so. Kass-oh. [both snort] Also we know what Kaso looks like now.
Kim: Browned hair and eyes.
Sequoia: Brown hair, brown eyes. He growled. But at that moment, the man who had been guiding the boats yelled, “Duck!” They all did and found themselves in a tunnel, then to a bay, and finally they got up to the castle door. The end.
Kim: Was kinda hoping we’d get to the sorting, but yeah that checks out.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: We end approximately where that chapter ends in the first book.
Sequoia: Mhm. And, you know, then that leaves it up to us, to our own imaginations to decide where Fiona Gryffindor gets sorted into.
Kim: Have we done one of these entirely OC stories before?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I don’t think we have. This is… this is cool.
Sequoia: We have not. So there you are, that was The Female Gryffindor.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: You didn’t get any points.
Kim: I realize that. I was so fucking close though, fuck me.
Sequoia: You were so close, yeah. Yup.
Kim: That momentary crisis of confidence.
Sequoia: Oh well.
Kim: Threw all the points away.
Sequoia: Oh well. You did get two in the livestream.
Kim: Did I?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We didn’t talk about… we forgot to talk about it.
Sequoia: Yeah, we definitely forgot to talk about it. But in the Patreon livestream you got two points.
Kim: I did.
Sequoia: Yeah. So, you know.
Kim: Yeah, I did really well in that episode. Because you read something that was the soul of the podcast.
Sequoia: I did, I looked directly into the soul of the podcast. [laughs]
Kim: And then I was like, oh, Sequoia has stared into the dark heart of the podcast and pulled something out and it is this.
Sequoia: Yup! Yep, yep, yep. All right, are you ready? For a segment?
Kim: [makes breaking news noise] Hold for the end please!
Sequoia: Hold for the end please is a segment where we read a listener submitted idea of how a story would have ended that we have read on the podcast that didn’t really end satisfactorily. Didn’t really have an ending.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So here it is. What is it? What are we doing today?
Kim: Rae sent us in one for Too Little Too Late…
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: …and I think it captures pretty much everything that we were all thinking about that fanfiction, so think I’ll just go ahead and read this. It’s nice and short. After Ginny walks out of Harry’s life forever, she runs into Draco Malfoy in the hallway. Draco is staring silently once again, so obviously Ginny knows that this means he’s declaring his undying love for her. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ahh, yeah, that’s good, that’s good.
Kim: She thanks him, but lets him know that he is, for lack of better terms, too little too late…
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: … because Luna literally just asked her out when she got off stage.
Sequoia: Noice, noice, noice, noice, noice!
Kim: Hellll yeah! Get there. Draco stares at her silently a while longer, and Ginny finally shrugs and walks away, and Hermione catches up with her as she walks. “Congratulations,” Hermione says. “What uhh inspired your outfit?” [Sequoia laughs] “Oh, this old thing?”
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: …Ginny asked modestly, looking down to bask in her deliciously high fashion IQ. It is only then that she realizes that she did forget to put on a shirt. [Sequoia laughs] Which several of you pointed out, you listeners. The obvious explanation for why no shirt was mentioned was that she was not wearing one.
Sequoia: She’s just not wearing a shirt.
Kim: She’s not wearing a shirt. Ginny blinks, stunned. She’d been so busy planning her leggings, high heels, and jean skirt that she had forgotten about the top entirely.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: And her band of ex-boyfriends must not have noticed either since they didn’t say anything. [Sequoia laughs] Oh well, nothing she can do about it now. Smash cut to Pansy…
Sequoia: Pansy!
Kim: …who is complaining to Dumbledore that she didn’t get a chance to perform at the talent show!
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s fucked up!
Kim: “Just like the last six years! I sign up to perform, but as soon as it’s my turn, YOU get up and announce Hermione, or in this case, Ginny, as the winner before I even get on stage!” she claims.
Sequoia: Ohh Dumbledore, that is uncool. That is severely uncool.
Kim: “Do you even go to this school?” Dumbledore asks. [Sequoia laughs] After receiving several threatening Howlers from Pansy’s father (which he suspects but has no proof that Pansy sent herself), Dumbledore reluctantly agrees to hold another talent show where only Pansy performs.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: At the end, Harry Potter is inexplicably declared the winner, [Sequoia laughs] and no one seems fazed, even Pansy, probably because the stage was already decorated in red and gold congratulatory banners before the contest began.
Sequoia: Oh fuck! Oh no fuck, that’s incredible.
Kim: Really good. This is really good.
Sequoia: That’s fucking incredible.
Kim: Ginny and Luna hold hands and cheer in the audience while Hermione is off studying by herself, as is her way. Fuck. Harry, realizing that even Hermione’s lack of friends won’t give him the never-ending attention he so rightfully deserves, ends thing with her… ends things with her and finds out she never even knew they were supposedly going out.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Incredible!
Kim: Upset and indignant, Harry storms into the hallway and runs into Draco…
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: … who stares at him silently.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Harry takes this to mean that he wants to make out, and the two of them kiss until Filch comes and chases them out of the hallway. The end.
Sequoia: Nice! Aw, hell yeah.
Kim: I think Rae did an excellent job capturing everything that I wanted from the end of this story.
Sequoia: That was beautiful.
Kim: So thanks so much for sending that in to us.
Sequoia: If you wanna send in your own hold for the end please for any story we’ve done on the podcast, a hold for the beginning please, a hold for the middle please, go ahead and send them over to fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: Today I have a fanfiction that was sent in to us, and it is called What the Combined Forces of Gryffindor Know About Girls, and it… [both laugh]
Kim: That’s a good title.
Sequoia: It is about Ron asking Dean about how to woo Muggle girls, and then Dean’s mom sends them a book that’s from, like, the 1800s, and it’s very funny.
Kim: Dean’s mom is not really helpful, it sounds like.
Sequoia: Is not really helpful.
Kim: Excellent. Oh my goodness gracious.
Sequoia: So the link to that will be in the description of this episode.
Kim: You can also find it on our website, fanaticalfics.com!
Sequoia: Also on our website is our story submission form. If you have some stories that you think should get in front of our eyeballs, you can submit them via the story submission form on our website, and we will look at them. With our eyeballs.
Kim: Probably. At some point.
Sequoia: Possibly.
Kim: Also on our website you can find merch. We have merch that is on our website, like Yes!! Glitter!!! And some cool ass bookmarks. Ass bookmarks?
Sequoia: Ass bookmarks.
Kim: Also, you can find links to our TeePublic, where we have a wide range of designs on a wide range of weird whatever the fuck items they have. I don’t keep up with it. What… what are they doing?
Sequoia: They have mugs, they have laptop covers, they have tapestries, they have pillows. Buttons.
Kim: So check that out!
Sequoia: You can find us on social media. Tweet at us if you find out when the steam train was invented.
Kim: Please! [Sequoia laughs] No, I don’t wanna hear about it, I don’t! Fucking! Care!
Sequoia: @fanaticalfics on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Kim: If you have any longer thoughts, submissions for hold for the end please or any of our other segments, those mp3s of you reading a summary to us, email them to us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you wanna help out this podcast, there are a few ways to do this. You can leave us a review on Apple podcasts, or on Facebook, or write it on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle, and put it in the ocean!
Kim: Yeah okay, all right. A few of you actually reached out to let us know that you had left reviews of this podcast in your friends’…
Sequoia: Text messages.
Kim: …text message inboxes and that it had worked, so shout out to you, our dedicated trickster team. You’re all excellent.
Sequoia: You can also join us on Patreon, for those good, good common room house parties, fanfiction round tables, movie watches, exclusive merch, bonus episodes, etcetera over on patreon.com/fanaticalfics. Another thing you can get on Patreon at specific tiers is if you are a patron for a certain amount of time, we will shout you out on the podcast. We will do a short story summary and then give you a little shout out. So that summary is gonna be Kim today. Kim, take it away.
Kim: I… I think I wrote a fanfiction again. Here we go.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [both laugh]
Kim: [Sequoia laughs intermittently throughout] [ withsuper vocal fry] “Order, order, this emergency me… [laughing] fuck, I’m not gonna be able to get through this sentence! I have to get in character. “Order, order, this emergency meeting of the Hogwarts Underground Student Council will come to order.” Cho banged her gavel forcefully, and the assembled students went silent. “All right, Hermione, what is this urgent business that absolutely couldn’t wait?” Hermione stood up and cleared her throat nervously. [preppy voice] “I’m sure many of you are aware of the altercation in the astronomy tower that I had to break up last night, but what you may not know is that this was the fifth such one this semester and it’s September!” [higher annoyed voice] “[scoffs] If I wanted to hear Granger berate us about catching students making out, I’d go to the prefect meetings,” Pansy said as she stood up and headed towards the door. “I’m not interested in hearing what a stick in the mud you are.” [super vocal fry] “You do not have the floor, Parkinson. But, Hermione, could you please get to whatever your point is?” Hermione refused to look flustered and continued on. [preppy voice] “The altercation was because a couple of students thought they had called dibs on the nook behind the tapestry of Helga feeding the squid, but the other group of students said the nook is first come, first snogged. I think we need a system! Calendar, rotating shifts, anything. Please! I just need everyone to stop fighting over who gets to use the best spots at makeout point! Please!” [super vocal fry] “An excellent suggestion. I put forward the motion that we form an exploratory subcouncil to see what the best way to schedule the astronomy tower is. All in favor? The motion passes.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! Incredible! Whoo, all right.
Kim: These are maybe going off the rail, this is fine!
Sequoia: I love it. Whoo! Okay. Shoutout to our patrons Sarah Katowski, Aubrey, Keaton Cramer, Emma Weinstein, Amanda Boyce, Miri Makicullis, and The Mysterious Doggo.
Kim: Your support means so much to us, thank you so so much.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for our incredible theme song, it is Wolfstar.
Both: Byeeee!