Episode 97: The Third Valentines Special: The Love Potion (Feat. Colin)
Recommendations:
The NotSoSecret Valentine
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1407631/1/The-NotSoSecret-Valentine
A Love Match
https://archiveofourown.org/works/11337375
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Sterre
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So last year we did a big push to get the Valentine's Day episode on episode sixty nine. Right?
Sequoia: We did.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: We did.
Kim: It was nice.
Sequoia: We had to.
Kim: It was nice.
Colin: It was nice. [laughs]
Kim: We recorded like five episodes in one month. It was fine. [laughs]
Sequoia: It was very stupid. [Colin laughs]
Kim: And then when I realized what we had done this year, I think my disappointment is immeasurable. And I may never recover from this.
Sequoia: Yeah, we…
Kim: We fucked up.
Sequoia: We fucked up pretty bad, honestly.
Kim: So badly.
Sequoia: Honestly. [Colin laughs]
Kim: ‘Cause this is episode ninety seven.
Sequoia: We could have been ninety six.
Kim: Which is actually not a sex number.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Some numbers are sex numbers and some numbers are not. [Sequoia laughs] Ninety seven is not. [Sequoia keeps laughing]
Colin: List… list all the sex numbers for me.
Kim: Every number that ends in nine.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: And ninety six.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! [laughs]
Colin: And ninety six. [laughs] That’s not a sex number. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Colin: [laughs] It's the opposite of a sex number, because it's like two people with their backs to each other. [laughs]
Kim: It's my fetish.
Colin: Oh, I see.
Kim: It is my fetish.
Colin: Okay. I just wasn't thinking advanced enough. [Sequoia laughs] It is a sex number [laughs]
Seqouia: Advanced!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I'm Kim.
Colin: And I'm Colin.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter Valentine's fanfiction episode.
Sequoia and Colin: Boop boop boop boop boop! Boop boop boop boop boooop!
Kim: You all are doing a lot of arm motions.
Sequoia: [singing] Valentine's day was yesterday, not today. Did you like that song?
Kim: Yeah, that was good.
Sequoia: Thanks.
Kim: That was good.
Sequoia: Thanks. Thanks very much. We do have a couple of things to do first before we get into Valentine's day stuff.
Kim: Right, right.
Sequoia: And the first thing is that we have to… we have to do a retraction.
Kim: You. You specifically.
Sequoia: Okay. I have to…
Kim: You did something in our last episode that you need to apologize for.
Seqouia: And I do.
Kim: And I did encourage it, actually. So last episode, I read a story about how Ginny is really good at fashion and she was able to throw together any outfit in fifteen minutes. And that was her special talent. [Colin laughs] The thing that the listeners… you dear listeners didn't know was that the night before we recorded that episode, Sequoia had told me that at a event that we were going to be attending together… a socially distanced event… she had put together an outfit centered around some statement earrings and it had taken her about a week. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Here’s the thing.
Kim: We had this conversation, and the next day we went on to roast Ginny…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …mercilessly.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: For taking time to put together an outfit.
Sequoia: Yeah. I… I do have to apologize to that fanfiction itself, because I did take a week to put together an outfit.
Kim: Yeah.
Seqouia: And I… but I will stand up for myself a little bit here. I have barely left my house in a year, so when I do happen to go somewhere where anyone might see me, I like to… I like to do it up a little bit, you know? And I got… I have procured some really fabulous statement earrings over the past year that have yet to see the light of day. [Kim and Colin laugh] So… so… but I do apologize to everyone that's listening, to all the listeners, that I… that I looked at you and lied to your faces.
Kim: Yeah, you looked great.
Sequoia: [laughs] Thank you. Thank you very much. Also…
Kim: Now for the real announcement.
Sequoia: Now for a real announcement. [laughs] We are so dumb. Okay. So there is a podcast called Retro Fanfic Retrospective, and their episode coming out today has me on it, where I talk about a long Harry Potter fanfiction that had some good points and some bad points and some bonkers points. So it's just a little bit more of an extended talk about the fanfiction and everything that goes on in it, and it's a long… a long… a long boy, not like we do here. So go check that out.
Kim: [laughing] Okay, awesome. One more. One more. One more. This is episode ninety seven. We are zooming towards episode one hundred. Tchew pew tchew!
Sequoia: Zoom. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
Kim: That is the sound of zooming. So, as part of that, we want to feature your voices on the podcast. The deadline to send in your submissions for that is March twenty second. We want an audio clip of you reading us a [singing] summary! That you've written. Send those into our Google Voice or as an mp3 to our email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: We did have a couple… we did have one social media shout out that needed to be done. Because we had somebody on Twitter that just like… just… just like really roasted you. Just like came for you.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And succeeded. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it was painful.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: So I guess shout out to Michelle Spurgeon who tweeted at us, every time Kim laughs I think of, and then a picture of Zoe from Sesame Street. And I was like, what does Zoe from Sesame Street laugh sound like? Went and looked up a YouTube video, and then did the exact same laugh at the YouTube video. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] You know, felt a little too seen. So. Guess… guess I laugh like Zoe from Sesame Street. [laughs]
Sequoia: Gotta love it. Gotta love it. Michelle. Good work.
Colin: Can I shout someone out?
Kim: Sure. Go ahead.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: I want to shout out my friend Ken, who I saw for the first time in a while the other day. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Hey, Ken. [Kim and Sequoia laugh again] Nice to talk to you again, buddy. But also, he has tricked more than… he told me yesterday that he tricked another person into listening to this podcast. And he has tricked several people. So, well, good on you, Ken. Thank you very much.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Thank you so much!
Sequoia: I stand by this shout out. Good job, Ken.
Kim: Shout out to Ken Moore.
Sequioa: We know Ken.
Kim: And all the rest of our tricksters. Thank you so much.
Colin: Boo, boo, boo, boo, budoo!
Sequoia: Boo, boo, boo, boo, budoo! What is today? What are we doing? What is this energy? Who knows?
Kim: Oh, right, Colin is here. So it's a special episode…
Colin: I’m here.
Kim: …obviously.
Colin: It's the Valentine's day episode.
Kim: It's nice to see you, Colin.
Colin: Nice to see you, too.
Kim: You've had… you've seen a lot of Sequoia this weekend, haven't you?
Colin: I have. We recorded a BMIS episode just yesterday. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. Gotta get that BMIS episode in. Yeah, we…
Colin: It’s gonna be good.
Sequoia: It came out as of… if you're listening to Fanatical Fics, this episode, it came out yesterday. The BMIS…
Kim: [whispering] BMIS!
Sequoia: …with Colin on it. And it’s…
Colin: So go listen to that.
Sequoia: It is…
Colin: [sing song voice] You can hear me sing in it!
Sequoia: [sings random notes] Colin sings a bunch in it.
Kim: You didn't do a musical. That's weird. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: No, it's very good. Very good.
Kim: All right. All right. No, it's Valentine's, kind of.
Sequoia: It's Valentine's, kind of.
Colin: Kind of.
Kim: And so I'm gonna do a Valentine’s story.
Sequoia: And I'm not. [everyone laughs] Listen, this is our podcast. We do what we want. We make our own rules, and today…
Kim: Did you…
Sequoia: …it's half Valentine's day.
Kim: Did you at least pick a romantic story?
Sequoia: I did. I got you a present!
Kim: Okay. Oh, okay.
Colin: Oooh.
Kim: Now I'm worried.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Kim: I see that you've… you've… we've got the links to the stories. We're keeping them in our outline now, so that we can find them later. [Sequoia laughs] Yours says Archive of Our Own, so I am a little worried about what you found. But I'm going to go ahead and read first.
Sequoia: Excellent. What have you got for us?
Kim: I'm going to read to you both a story called Love Potions. [someone sighs] This story came out post Goblet of Fire. And it's tagged romance and humor. Love Potions.
Sequoia: You got me nothing.
Kim: Please make your three predictions based on those three clues. Listeners as well. Send them to us @FanaticalFics on Twitter. Answer our question on… story question on Instagram. I know how Instagram works. Don't look at me like that, Sequoia!
Sequoia: You’re doing a great job. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Email them to us or post them in the Disco.
Sequoia: It’s just, like, way too vague.
Kim: Love Potions.
Sequoia: Goddamn.
Colin: [singing] Love Potions! Of love!
Kim: Approximately 2002.
Colin: Whoa, okay. Gosh.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: All right, I'm opening the double doors to my mind palace. [Sequoia snorts] Dusting the cobwebs off the… off the chandelier. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Haven't had any deep thoughts in a while. Is that what you’re trying to tell us? [everyone laughs]
Colin: It’s been a weird couple… it's been a weird year, all right? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, this one's difficult. I'm going to go ahead and say that some… in this fanfiction somebody brews a love potion.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I'm going to say that in this fanfiction the love… the said love potion is accidentally given to the wrong person.
Kim: Hmm!
Sequoia: And I'm going to say that this fanfiction… let's see. Post Goblet of Fire. I'm gonna say it's Ron/Hermione.
Kim: Boring. [laughs]
Colin: All right, I've entered the mind palace. I've… I've lit a fire in the fireplace, and it's starting to come back to life.
Sequoia: Okay. Mhm.
Colin: I think that the pairing is going to be Snape and James Potter.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Oh, that's a terrible ship and I… I hate it.
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: I’m vomiting.
Colin: It’s perfect. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I actually do like that. Those are always A plus.
Colin: I also predict a… a… a meta prediction that this is going to be the first chapter in a longer fanfic that never receives any more chapters. [laughs]
Kim: I like that prediction. Wow.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: That's almost everything we do. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah! What?
Colin: And…
Kim: He's our guest, we can be nice.
Sequoia: I’m… we're never nice to Colin. [everyone laughs]
Kim: It's Valentine's day.
Colin: And yes, you have to be… to be nice to me on this most blessed of days. And I predict that it will… that it will… that it will feature our pairing in Potions class but not actually include any love potions.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: You think… you think that we're going to be in Potions class but there will be no love potions happening.
Colin: Correct. It's like love, comma, potions. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Oh! There is no comma in the title, but, you know, that’s a good prediction.
Colin: I know, but…
Kim: Who knows how… if this author knows how commas work. I love them.
Sequoia: Oh, that's precious. I don't know how commas work so…
Kim: Yeah, who knows? You just kind of pepper them in whenever you want to mentally pause.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Right?
Colin: Yeah. I write everyone's elementary school teachers taught them commas wrong. And they're like, oh, it's like a pause in… in… in speech, and it's not a pause in speech.
Kim: No.
Colin: Unless you're literally writing dialogue, and even then it doesn't work like that. Anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah, I just put commas wherever.
Kim: Hey, Colin. Will you teach me how grammar works?
Colin: No.
Kim: Fair enough. [Colin laughs] Love Potions. The day started out as any other normal day. That is, until Snape opened his eyes and looked at the calendar.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh Snape’s here! He is!
Kim: Snape is here.
Colin: [snaps fingers] Moon! Points moon! Points moon!
Sequoia: You know what I should have said, is I should have said this is a fanfiction where there's a curmudgeon… a Valentine’s day curmudgeon.
Kim: A Valentine’s day curmudgeon!
Sequoia: Fuck fucking fuck!
Kim: I got one of those tropes. I hit it. I found it.
Sequoia: Damn it! Argh! [Colin laughs]
Kim: It was one of the days he dreaded most of all. I wanna…
Sequoia: Ahhh, the curmudgeon.
Kim: I wanna read a fanfic where Snape is into Valentine's day.
Sequoia: He…
Kim: He's like, Valentine's is the best. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: He's, like, putting up streamers and hearts everywhere. Like, it's just such a nice day. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: I love love.
Sequoia: He dyes his own hair, skin, and robes pink. [everyone laughs]
Kim: It was one of the days he dreaded most of all. Christmas was the other.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Why is this a… why is this a thing?
Sequoia: I hate holidays?
Kim: Whether it’s I hate Christmas…
Sequoia: I don't know, man.
Kim: It was Valentine's day. He fell down on his bed and covered his face with his hands.
Sequoia: Jesus! [laughs]
Kim: [deep, nasal voice, used for Snape throughout] “Not again,” [Colin and Sequoia laugh] he muttered to himself.
Sequoia: It’s almost like it happens every year.
Kim: “Not again. Another day of being asked for love potion recipes and having to deal with the students sending owls all over the place to deliver cards, and the Valentine's banquet Professor Dumbledore is hosting, but best of all, double Potions with Potter.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I… like, honestly, what student is like walking up to Professor Snape and being like, hey, you got a love potion…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …handy…
Kim: Who is doing that?
Sequoia: …sir?
Kim: No one.
Colin: Yeah, like, can you teach me… being asked by your students…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: …to roofie other students
Kim: Yeah, yikes!
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Huge yikes.
Sequoia: Not okay.
Colin: Big yikes.
Sequoia: Big yikes.
Kim: Enormous yikes! Love potions are…
Sequoia: Is the Valentine's day banquet that Dumbledore is hosting for every… like, the whole student body, or is it just for the teachers? Because I think it would be very funny if he hold… held like a teacher party.
Colin: [laughing] It’s just the teachers!
Sequoia: A teacher Valenday times party. Valenday? Did you hear me say Valenday?
Colin: I did.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh.
Kim: I wasn't listening.
Colin: I did. Valen…
Kim: I was thinking about banquets. No, it's for everyone. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: He forced himself to relax, and then left to teach his classes, hoping that everything would go smoothly. Dun dun dun.
Sequoia: Dun, dun, dun.
Sequoia: And then it… and then the narrator says, it didn't.
Kim: Actually, the author did have a note here that was like, like I'd let that happen.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Like, hello there, author! It’s nice to see you. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: Gotta love an active author.
Kim: I don't know why we all thought that was appropriate. But every fanfiction from this time period has that.
Colin: Maybe Lemony Snicket had an…
Kim: Maybe.
Colin: Had an effect on it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: He's always doing…
Kim: Huh. Yeah, he was.
Colin: Author… author inserts as… well, as the fictional author, I guess, so…
Kim: Yeah, as Lemony.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Hmm. “Today we are going to make a dexterity potion.”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: “Please don't burn the whole class down, Mr. Longbottom. Now, you’ll need…” He droned on in his tired way.
Sequoia: What is a… what is a… what is a… what is a… what is a dexterity potion?
Kim: It raises your dex stat plus three…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …for until the next short rest. [everyone laughs] It’s really good, actually. Honestly.
Sequoia: Gotta be.
Kim: Get that bonus on initiative rolls.
Colin: Yeah, that is nice.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Plus bonus to your AC.
Kim: Yeah. Dang.
Sequoia: Damn. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Stupid. I like that. That is, until two owls flew into his class.
Sequoia: Oh, owls, again! They must have cards. Cards.
Kim: One dropped a box, and the other a card that fluttered to the floor. Curiously, he picked the box up and placed it on his desk. He pulled the tag off the box and brought it closer to read. He glared up suddenly and saw the students staring at him curiously. [Sequoia laughs] “Get to work or I'll deduct points from both your houses.”
Sequoia: Yeah, you gotta… you can't open your Valentine's day presents in front of the students.
Kim: Can’t you?
Sequoia: That’s too spicy. I feel like… I feel like…
Kim: Can’t you? [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: It's kind of a social minefield. You never know what's gonna be in there.
Sequoia: Exactly. Exactly.
Kim: Seriously. This only scared them enough to make them not stare so openly at Snape. He let out an annoyed growl and opened the note attached to the box. [everyone makes growling noises] [Sequoia laughs] Dear, oh dear. It was a simple one liner. “For my favorite Potions master, your SA.” He stared at the last word for a moment, and then it sank in. Secret admirer.
Sequoia: Oh GOD! How come neither of us guessed a fucking secret admirer or a goddamn Valentine’s curmudgeon. What the fuck is wrong with us?!
Colin: I know, we’re just…
Kim: I got two of the big Valentine’s trooopes! Pewpewpewpewpewpewpewpewpewpew…
Colin: …leaving points on the table.
Sequoia: Bleeding points out of my eyeballs.
Kim: …pewpewpewpewpewpewpewpewpewwwww!
Sequoia: Jesus fucking Christ. [everyone laughs]
Kim: You should have known better. God.
Sequoia: Yeah, damn.
Kim: His brow furrowed as he stared at the note, confused. “I have a secret admirer,” he thought.
Sequoia: Oh, don’t…
Colin: Any admirer of Snape would have to be secret, kind of as a rule. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: You have any guesses for who this might be?
Sequoia: Snape’s secret admirer.
Colin: James Potter.
Kim: James is very dead. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Ghost James Potter.
Colin: Ghost James!
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: Horrible.
Colin: I just hope it's another adult. I pray it's an adult. [laughs]
Sequoia: I… I have faith. I have faith that Kim… what Kim would bring us would be another adult [Colin laughs] so I'm gonna go with Sybill Trelawney.
Kim: Hmm.
Colin: I've always seen them together in my head. Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s a weird ass pairing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: They're both recluses.
Kim and Sequoia: [whispering] Weird ass pairing.
Colin: Ass pairing.
Sequoia: God.
Colin: Ah, waiter, what would you pair with the ass? [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Let’s see, the ass has some earthy notes. [Kim and Sequoia scream] A little bit of spice. [Sequoia screams again] So if you want something to complement it, I’d say the Cabernet.
Kim: [screaming] Colin!
Sequoia: [screaming] Goddamnit! [laughs]
Kim: Colin McLeod! I am telling your mother! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] I’m gonna call up your mother right now. [makes beeping noises] Colin’s mother? Hello Mrs. Colin? McLeod Mom? [Sequoia laughing] Colin’s being yucky! [everyone laughs] Mrs. Colin’s mom! [Colin and Sequoia still laughing] Please?!
Sequoia: Oh my god, what is…
Kim: She says you’re in trouble.
Sequoia: Mmm. Mhm. That checks out. [everyone laughs] Ah, the energy is good today, okay! [everyone laughs]
Kim: I’m fucking crying. Okay. He glared at the students again, wondering if this was a practical joke.
Sequoia: You know, that probably would be my first instinct as well. As Snape. Like, no one likes him.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He knows that no one likes him.
Kim: Nobody likes him.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: He does really suck.
Sequoia: And he treats the students like shit.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So it does stand to reason that someone would want to play a prank on him like this.
Kim: Yep, he opens it up and pink hair, skin, and robes.
Sequoia: There it is. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] No, that's not it. [Colin laughs] Seeing no one that looked suspicious except Harry, but he always looked suspicious…
Sequoia: Jesus!
Kim: …he picked up the… [laughs] I like…
Colin: He’s a child, Snape. Be cool.
Kim: I like how this author is characterizing Snape’s relationship with Harry. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I mean, accurate.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry just like… that Snape just like cannot stand the sight of Harry. It's true. It is true. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] He picked up the parcel and slowly opened it.
Sequoia: Don't open it in the like…
Kim: Don’t do this thing.
Sequoia: Do this later, especially if you think that it was a possibility that it's a prank.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Would you want to open it in front of all the students so that they can go out to the school and be like, Snape’s hair, skin, and robes are pink! [makes weird noises] Yeah, like…
Colin: Amateur moves.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: By I someone who I assume gets pranked a lot.
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: Exactly. Or at least did as a teen.
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: We know… we know he did. [everyone laughs]
Kim: He led a notorious prank gang himself!
Sequoia: He did.[laughs]
Colin: He did have a notorious prank gang. [everyone laughs]
Kim: What did we decide they were called? It doesn't matter.
Colin: The Tunnel Snapes.
Sequoia: [laughs] He opens the box and it's just full of creamed corn. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Creamed corn just pours out.
Sequoia: As out of the… yeah. [laughs]
Colin: Oh no, it’s so goopy! [everyone laughs]
Kim: We have to eat our way out. What? [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Okay. To his surprise, nothing jumped out at him. Instead, all that was in the box, as far as he could tell, was a piece of silk cloth. He slowly picked it up and lifted it into the air, only to discover that it was a pair of silk boxers!
Colin: Ooooh!
Sequoia: Ah, see, I was gonna go with a thong. But yeah.
Colin: Yeah, something a little more racy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nope.
Sequioa: Silk boxers. You're just like, all right.
Kim: Really?
Colin: Not even a boxer brief.
Kim: You get ‘em a… go ahead and…
Colin: They're not flattering.
Kim: Okay. Okay, yeah. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] They were black with little wands on them.
Sequoia: Oh!
Colin: That is very cute!
Kim: Those are kinda cute.
Sequoia: Is it? Is it?
Kim: I mean, I think… I think the eleven year old that wrote this meant for them to be racy.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Because, Snape’s eyes widened in shock and he stared at the boxers in disbelief.
Sequoia: I just like… [sighs]
Kim: They’re shorts. They're just like shorts. They're just shorts.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is not…
Kim: Not that exciting.
Sequoia: This is not as racy as you want it to be.
Colin: We have to put our… you're not doing the author their… you're…
Kim: Right.
Colin: …not giving the author their due.
Sequoia: Right.
Colin: To put yourself in their mind.
Sequoia: In their mind that they're boxers and they are silk.
Kim: Yeah!
Colin: Yes. Which, as we all know…
Kim: The sexiest of fabric.
Colin: The most sensual of materials. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: The sexiest fabric! [everyone keeps laughing] They've got little wands all over them. That's a little suggestive. [Kim and Colin laugh] I suppose.
Colin: Mhm.
Sequoia: Yeah, the author’s doing a great job.
Kim: What is this energy in the studio today?
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen, this is my fourth podcast recording in two days. [Colin and Kim laugh] I do not know what's happening to me.
Colin: You've been in the pod mines for a long, long time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] In the pod mines! No, okay, fine. I'm gonna put myself in the author's place. These are absolutely…
Colin: These are se… this is a sexual garment. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: It's just a sexual garment. And the students are about to be giggling all over the place because… [Colin laughs]
Kim: The snickers from the whole class…
Sequoia: Yeah, there we go.
Kim: …brought him back to reality, and he stuffed it back into the box. He glared at the class “Fifty points from each house. Now get to work.”
Sequoia: [laughs] There's got to be… there has to be some kind of rules and restrictions around what you can and can’t…
Colin: About how many points…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Colin: It has to be just totally imaginary, because just like fake points are a great way to control children. Be like, okay, ten points if you're quiet for ten minutes. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Excellent. Yes, if you all sit here and watch this video all class period I'll give you each ten points. And don't talk. [everyone laughs] All the students jumped and then started working hurriedly on their potions. Thinking the worst was now over, he picked up the card. It had a huge heart on the front.
Sequoia: Okay, here's the thing. After you have already opened the box with the sexy underwear DO NOT THEN OPEN THE CARD!
Kim: Huh? Why not?
Sequoia: No, no, no.
Kim: Maybe… maybe the card’s signed so he can find out who needs to be the… the… the one he gets his revenge upon.
Sequoia: Who needs to be punished? [laughs]
Kim: Oh god! [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Ohhh okay! Potions MASTER. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yuck.
Colin: Yessir! [sstilllaughing]
Kim: Hate this. I hate all of this. [Sequoia laughs] He opened the card, and was instantly sorry that he did, as it started to speak.
Sequoia: Oh no! Why would you do it?!
Kim: Why would the card do anything but this? Come on, Snape.
Sequoia: Argh!
Kim: Think any thoughts!
Sequoia: I do wish that it was singing instead of speaking, but, you know, we can we… we all can dream.
Kim: I mean, it might be singing, actually. It's gonna… it's… it's a poem.
Colin and Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: I might sing… it might be a song, actually. He turned bright red in embarrassment and tried to make the card shut up. But it wouldn't stop, not even when he closed it. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: And the card says, “My dearest snuggly waggly.”
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: “Oh, sweetest lover, capturer of my heart. You have caught me in that brooding stare, Your love potions have me in their snare. I am yours forever true, Please say you will be mine too. Be mine, Valentine. Your SA.”
Sequoia: Ahhhhh!
Kim: How would you grade that poetry, Colin? I'm curious.
Colin: It got better towards the end, actually, but… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I want you… I want you to give me that first line again. Give me that first line again.
Kim: Oh. Okay, okay. “My dearest snuggly waggly.”
Colin: Oooh.
Sequoia: Snuggly waggly! [laughs]
Colin: Love it. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It’s… it’s beautiful.
Kim: Today on this most sensual of days [Colin and Sequoia laugh] we here at Fanatical Fics have some advice on what to say to your lover. Definitely call them your snuggly waggly. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Snuggly waggly! [Kim laughs] What… what secret admirer of Snape’s is like, you know what Snape would think was really cute if I called him in his poem? He would really like it if I said snuggly waggly and then I said that he had a brooding stare, ‘cause he does have a brooding stare, and then he would really like it if I asked him if he would be mine over and over like at least like three separate times nearing the end of the poem, and not tell him who I am. [everyone laughs]
Kim: It is honestly reading like a prank at this point. Am I right?
Sequoia: It is.
Colin: [laughing] Yes. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: But…
Kim: But it is maybe not. Maybe not.
Colin: I have a feeling it's real. That's where my bets are.
Kim: That was the last camel that broke the straw’s back. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: You know what? I like it.
Kim: Me too. Me too.
Colin: It’s kind of fun.
Kim: Nice job.
Sequoia: Woohoo.
Kim: Adorable. Snape jumped to his feet and pointed at the Gryffindors, who were laughing their heads off. “It's all your fault! I just know it!” he yelled and they all stopped and sank down in their chairs.
Sequoia: [deep nasal voice] A thousand points from Gryffindor. [everyone laughs]
Colin: A thousand points!
Kim: The students just sat there, and after a few minutes of glaring at them, he bellowed, “Get out of my sight, all of you!” And they all scrambled for the door, leaving Snape alone to calm down.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, they’re like, oh man.
Kim: Some breathing exercises.
Sequoia: I almost finished my dexterity… my dexterity potion and I have a have a session tonight. Have a DnD sesh tonight. [Colin and Kim laugh] And I can't… damn it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: Uh huh.
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: Uh huh.
Kim: Night time came, and Snape was now looking forward to a good meal and then getting to bed so that this whole mess could be over. Oh, foolish Snape.
Sequoia: He just wants to put it behind him, but Snape.
Kim: Oh, foolish Snape. You're going to the Valentine's banquet. Come on, buddy.
Colin: Yeah, he’s a total noob. Night time is the most dangerous time on Valentine’s day. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: It’s the most sensual time. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Sensual time of day.
Kim: Are you sure? I’ve always found that eight am… [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Eight twelve, to be specific. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Eight twelve!
Sequoia: Oh man!
Kim: When I’m waiting for the coffee pot to finish.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man!
Colin: Hmm.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: That’s when I feel the most love.
Sequoia: Oh jeez! [everyone laughs]
Kim: What? Weird energy today.
Colin: Weird! Yeah, I think the podcast ritual we did might have invited a dark presence into the studio. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: He left his classroom and went to the Great Hall. It was decorated with hearts and cupids, which made Snape sneer in disgust as he sat down next to Dumbledore.
Sequoia: Can’t you just, like, get the house elves to like bring you your dinner in your quarters or something? Like…
Kim: I’m, like, sick.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Please bring me a sandwich.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Colin: Yeah, there’s gotta be something.
Sequoia: You shouldn’t be getting yourself into this, yeah.
Kim: Yeah. After Dumbledore’s speech…
Colin: Maybe there’s a to go counter. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: A to go counter!
Colin: Yeah. You just pick up a pre-made sandwich and go back to your room. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That sounds awesome. What speech is Dumbledore giving at the Valentine’s feast? I like how fic authors make it so that Dumbledore gives a speech at every feast he does. He definitely doesn’t.
Sequoia: Love! Twue love!
Kim: Okay. All right, that’s a… that doesn’t make sense but fine. After Dumbledore’s speech, he looked down at his plate, only to find another note. [Sequoia gasps] Opening it, he saw it was his SA’s handwriting. “Your dinner is up in your room.”
Colin and Sequoia: Ohhh!
Sequoia: Okay, okay, we were on to something. Not the… not even really… not where I thought it was going with the dinner in his room, but you know, that…
Colin: Look at the to go counter. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] There’s a packaged sandwich from this morning in a bag of Let’s potato chips.
Kim: That’s more… more romantic than that honestly after a long day.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ahhh.
Kim: Sandwich ready to eat. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: He got up angrily and stalked off to his room. He flung his door…
Sequoia: Or! Or you just sit there and you’re like, no.
Kim: He has to get this over with. [Colin laughs] He needs to find out who this is…
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: …and deal with the situation, so it does not continue.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s valid.
Colin: [laughing] It’s going to happen regardless. He has to just see it through to the end.
Kim: Yup. He’s gotta go to his room eventually.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s valid.
Kim: That’s where his clothes are. [everyone laughs]
Colin: And his action figures.
Kim: He flung his door open and gasped in shock. Normally his room was very plain. Black curtains, black bedding on his four poster bed, and his desk with a few favorite books on it. But not tonight. Now…
Sequoia: Rose petals.
Kim: …his bed was covered in rose petals.
Sequoia: Gotta be, gotta be, gotta be.
Kim: But also…
Colin: Noice.
Kim: …covered the floor.
Sequoia: [really fast] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Again…
Kim: How deep are… how deep are the rose petals? [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Waist height. Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] Like a foot.
Colin: Waist height! [laughs]
Kim: Waist deep! [laughs]
Sequoia: Waist height. Waist height.
Kim: It’s so impractical. I love it. They’ve got magic.
Colin: Wading through the rose petals.
Kim: There’s no reason. [everyone laughs] Too many.
Sequoia: I… again, the secret admirer is really getting me with the, like, is this the… this is the thing. This is the thing that you were like…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …Snape? Gonna love it. Gonna love this. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Waist height flower petals.
Kim: Yes. Yes. [Colin laughs] Candles stood everywhere, and there was a small table in the middle of the room with his dinner and some roses on it.
Sequoia: Just his dinner. Is it not dinner for two?
Kim: I… I think the other person’s…
Sequoia: Are they setting up a romantic dinner with himself?
Kim: You know what? Honestly…
Colin: That would be a great surprise for Snape. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. That wouldn’t be so bad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But no. “Hello Severus.” I don’t know why there’s only one meal. I couldn’t tell you. [everyone laughs] Maybe he’s mistaken and it’s actually dinner for two, and he’s like, that’s my dinner. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] I don’t know. I could not tell you.
Sequoia: It’s one plate of spaghetti, and they’re gonna Lady and The Tramp it.
Kim: [laughs] Yes, that’s what it is. We all know how much Snape loves spaghetti. [everyone laughs] That’s canon! That’s Fanatical Fics canon.
Sequoia: It’s canon.
Kim: Snape loves spaghetti.
Sequoia: He loves spaghetti a lot.
Kim: “Hello Severus,” spoke a feminine voice behind him. And I’m purposely not doing a voice right now so that we can do the reveal.
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: Spoke a feminine voice behind him, causing him to turn around. “I should have known it was you,” snarled Snape [Colin and Sequoia laugh] as he looked at [pause] Professor Trelawney.
Sequoia: Yes. Ye… ye… ye… yeah!
Colin: Ohhhh!
Kim: Nice job Sequoia.
Sequoia: Pewwww pew pew pew pew pewww! Well, this is weird! [laughs]
Kim: I don’t understand this ship. This ship is weird. This ship is fucking bizarre. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I don’t why it’s the only ship that makes sense for Snape in the castle, though.
Colin: It makes sense because they’re both weird recluses.
Kim: Yeah, most of the teachers are too nice. Can’t see them with Snape. Maybe the librarian.
Colin: Trelawney doesn’t have a lot going on. She’s got a lot of cats. [Sequoia laughs] Her mom’s getting worried.
Kim: [laughs] Rude. [Colin laughs] He of course had no idea who had done it. She had never even made his list of suspects.
Sequoia: His list of suspects were the Gryffindors.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That was his whole list of suspects.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Then why does he say he should have known it was her?
Kim: He’s lying.
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: He’s lying! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] But I knew what was happening the whole time! “But of course. The stars have predicted this,” she said, as she took his arms and led him to his seat. “Oh really?” he asked. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] And then this is kinda in like a thought.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim: They… they’ve marked this thought.
Colin: Is it in italics?
Kim: They’ve got like the long em dashes around it, instead of quotes.
Colin: I love an em dash.
Kim: Yesss.
Colin: Favorite dash.
Sequoia: Jesus.
Kim: Yes, an em dash.
Colin: There’s em dashes and dashes and hyphens. You know, I wanna choose now to teach you about grammar. [laughs]
Sequoia: No! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Thank you. I wonder if they’ve predicted your death, which will happen as soon as I find my list of ingredients for an untraceable poison, he thought vindictively…
Sequoia: Wow. Wow.
Kim: …as he sat down to… air quotes, “enjoy” a night with his secret admirer. The end.
Sequoia: What?
Colin: Oh.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That’s the end?
Colin: That’s the end. There’s no chapter two.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Does Colin get a point for that?
Kim: No! The author wrote, The end, here.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: They did not mean to for there to be more. This was a one shot.
Colin: Definitive end.
Sequoia: This was a one shot. This was a one shot but we don’t even know the… Snape is gonna… what?
Colin: He’s going to ENjoy it, which sounds like he’s just going to endure it.
Kim: Yeah the end is up to you. Poison Trelawney?
Sequoia: And then does he fall in love with Trelawney?
Kim: Does she… does she romance him and he decides that he loves her, or does he kill her? Up to you.
Sequoia: I…
Colin: You decide!
Kim: I leave this as an exercise for the listener. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I like that. Leave it open.
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: Let’s do a little imagination.
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: I think that they do fall in love.
Sequoia: Wow, wow, wow.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: Or at least have a good time.
Kim: You know…
Colin: They don’t have to fall in love. That’s a lot of pressure. They have a good time.
Kim: I think that’d be nice. Yeah. They actually… he actually does end up having a nice time.
Colin: Mhm.
Sequoia: Doesn’t Colin get a point?
Kim: No. Why?
Sequoia: Because they was… they were in Potions class but there was no love potion.
Kim: Oh he does!
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: That’s true!
Colin: Moon!
Kim: You get a point.
Colin: Points moon! Is that the first point I’ve ever gotten?
Sequoia: No.
Colin: No.
Sequoia: I think you’ve gotten at least one more point.
Colin: I think I’ve gotten maybe one.
Kim: We’ve had you on any number of times, and you have any number of points. [everyone laughs]
Colin: It’s not the points moon, but it’s points orbit.
Kim: We’re like… we are like the children at Hogwarts, where as… any points, you know. We’re not tracking it.
Colin: The rules are made up and the points don’t matter.
Sequoia: And the points do not matter. We just at this point… we literally just assume that Kim is winning right now.
Colin: Yeah. I mean, that makes sense.
Sequoia: And I don’t…
Colin: Somebody somewhere is keeping track.
Sequoia: I don’t know that that does make sense, though!
Colin: Stands to reason.
Sequoia: Jeez!
Kim: I mean, after we did our points reset I pulled ahead really fast and then promptly forgot what the score was.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I was winning the last I thought about it.
Sequoia: Yep. Anyway! Well, good job Colin, getting a point.
Colin: Woo!
Sequoia: That story was very…
[pause]
Colin: Woohoo!
Kim: Very what.
Colin: That story was very…
Sequoia: That’s all I had to say about it. It was very.
Kim: I think… I think I succeeded in finding a story that hit the most of the Valentine’s fanfiction tropes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: That was good.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: I’m very impressed, actually, because, as we’re about to get into, I did not find a Valentine’s day story.
Kim: There’s actually not… we’ve talked about this before. There’s not very many.
Colin: Very surprising.
Kim: Yeah, we would… yeah, we really thought there would be a lot.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, considering…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, considering it all.
Kim: Considering everything. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, and that’s the thing, is like, this is our fourth Valentine’s day special?
Colin: What?
Kim: I have no idea.
Colin: That doesn’t sound right.
Kim: I’m not keeping track. We skipped one year.
Sequoia: We skipped one year?
Kim: Yes?
Colin: Huh.
Sequoia: Huh. [everyone laughs] This is our third or fourth Valentine’s day special. So I… I was going to read a not a Valentine’s day fanfiction to you both today, but we had so much to say about Snape and his silky underwear that we’ve kind of run out of time on that front. [Colin and Kim laugh] So what we’ll do instead is not do that, and I will do that fanfiction on any other episode that is not the Valentine’s day episode! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh dear! All right.
Sequoia: We have made a discovery here, though, because we are about to go into segment time. The time where we do segments.
Kim: Yeah, we wrote up… we write up an outline before we record, and apparently neither of us noticed something about our outline.
Sequoia: It…
Kim: Let’s go into the segment. It’s time for…
Sequoia and Kim: …a quick ficsss! [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Colin’s crying. What’s happening?
Kim: Colin, don’t cry. We’re not gonna fight as much as we just did off air.
Colin: Mom and dad are fighting! [everyone laughs]
Kim: That whole segment that Sequoia will have cut of us fighting about what we’re about to do is gone, and your energy is really bringing us down now! [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Oh! Oh no, that’s an accusation! I’m getting accusatory. [Kim and Sequioa laugh]
Sequoia: I think…
Colin: Don’t worry. We’ll fill in the time with more grammar.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Oh, okay. You gotta… you gotta… you gotta… I… I can’t…
Colin: No, that… that was just a threat. That was an empty threat.
Sequoia: Oh, that was a threat. That was a threat. Okay.
Colin: Or I guess… okay, so commas are a syntactic break between dependent and independent clauses, and that’s the clencher. It’s not like a natural break in speech. And you also use two commas as a parenthetical, but again it has to be… well, I guess… could you do an independent clause inside of two…
Sequoia: This is…
Colin: …commas as a parenthetical?
Kim: Quick fics?
Colin: No, I think that’s a comma splice.
Sequoia: Quick fics! [laughs]
Kim: This is Colin’s comma corner! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no! Okay, so here’s the thing, is this is kind of a double hitter though, right. This is a quick fics but it is also a rec zone.
Kim: Tell us about your quick fics. Just tell us about the quick fics and then I’ll justify myself. laughs] I guess.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! Okay.
Kim: [laughs] I don’t know! We’ve never done this before!
Sequoia: We’ve never done this before.
Kim: This is weird. Shit.
Sequoia: We… I chose a quick fic, and Kim chose the same fanfiction to be her recommendation.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: This was send to us by a listener. So it was…
Kim: Thank you Jessica.
Sequoia: Yes, thank you Jessica. It was in our story submission form, so we both saw it and here we are. It is called Argus and Irma’s Very Special Valentine’s.
Kim: Now, quick fics is a segment where we usually quickly summarize a story that’s not quite right for the podcast for whatever reason.
Sequoia: And, I mean, this isn’t quite right for the podcast.
Kim: Yeah we both agreed on that, at least.
Sequoia: We both agreed on that.
Kim: We’re still friends. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Colin?
Colin: What? What?
Sequoia: Do you think we’re still friends? [laughs]
Colin: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry, listener. The…
Kim: Valentine’s day isn’t our break up episode? [everyone laughs]
Colin: The SS Fanatical Fics is braving these stormy seas, and I, your humble navigator, will guide us through the strait.
Kim: [from a distance] Oh my god. Oh my god!
Colin: But oh no! My astrolabe fell over the side!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Don’t you mean your friendship astrolabe?
Colin: My friendship astrolabe. It’s made of love.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [everyone laughs]This episode’s energy. I can’t. Okay, so here’s the thing. It’s a fanfiction. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Shit! [everyone keeps laughing]
Colin: Oh my god. This episode is turning… is coming apart. This like bundle of flies…
Sequoia: [still laughing] Oh no! [Kim still laughing]
Colin: Skin falling off and is turning into something hideous.
Sequoia: You know what? I… I think this is just a learning opportunity for all of us that [laughing] maybe I shouldn’t record four podcast episodes in one weekend.
Colin: Yeah, you’re the canary in the podcast mines and…
Sequoia: I am. I am. Okay, so in this fanfiction it is Madam Pince, the librarian, slash Argus Filch, and…
Kim: Which I discovered was a great ship, thanks to this fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s a ship for sure. [Colin laughs]
Kim: They bond over their mutual hatred of children in it.
Sequoia: Yeah, they do.
Kim: Excellent! [Sequoia laughs] What’s better than that?
Sequoia: Argus is very nice. He doesn’t bring her chocolates or flowers in the library because it would disturb the books or get on the books…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …or make the books smell like flowers. Anyway, the books are the important part here. She doesn’t want the books disturbed.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And the children are already fucking them up. You know.
Kim: Yeah, those little fuckheads. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] So instead of… instead of bringing her flowers or chocolates or whatever, he writes her a poem. What’s cuter than that?
Sequoia: I did like that we hit poetry both in the episode [Kim laughs] and in the quick fic which is also the rec zone and… [everyone laughs] it’s Valentine’s day! Love is in the air! Poetry!
Colin: The only day poetry is acceptable.
Kim: This is a very sweet story and I thought it was cute and I would recommend it. It’s pretty short and I liked it.
Sequoia: Yeah, I did like it. It was just very silly.
Kim: It is pretty silly. He accidentally does magic in it for the first time. So cute!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, he does magic because they’re in love.
Colin: I think… may I interject for just a second?
Sequoia: Yeah, what’s up?
Colin: I think you two have been hive mind for so long that you no longer remember what it’s like to have a simple difference of opinion, and that’s what this really is. [Kim and Sequoia laugh, at length]
Sequoia: I mean that’s valid! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s probably a good… a good diagnosis of what’s happening here. Thank you, Colin. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Thank you, Colin. Do we wanna go to the rec zone now? ‘Cause I do have a rec.
Kim: Yes. We were already in the rec zone.
Sequoia: We were in the… we were in the quick fic/rec zone general area. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Okay, I can find another rec. Here.
[pause]
Sequoia and Kim: Now it’s time for the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: My recommendation today is called The Not So Secret Valentine. It is Harry/Cho. They’ve get each other in like a secret Santa type Valentine’s day experience.
Kim: ‘Cause that’s a thing.
Sequoia: Yeah. And it’s very cute.
Kim: Aw, Harry/Cho. That’s a bad ship, thank you.
Sequoia: Yep. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Since you took my Valentine’s recommendation, I’m going to be recommending another Regency AU romance!
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: This one has, I think, one of my absolutely favorite tags ever on it. Non period typical attitudes towards homosexuality.
Sequoia: Nice.
Colin: Nice, nice.
Kim: Actually, I say this a lot, as Sequoia has brought to my attention. What’s…
Sequoia and Kim: …better than that?
Colin: That is pretty great.
Kim: There is nothing better than that. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] It’s called A Love Match and it is Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Nice. Hell yeah!
Kim: It’s really, really good.
Sequoia: Damn. Sweet!
Kim: The…
Colin: I can already imagine the facial hair. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: The links to those stories will be in the description of this episode. They will also be on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com! Also on our website you can find our story submission form. Our quick fic/rec today was from there. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Continue to send us stuff we’ll disagree about!
Kim: Hooray!
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our merch. On our website is Yes!! Glitter!!! Or you can follow the link to our TeePublic where there is all sorts of other stuff.
Kim: If you want to roast me on social media [Sequoia laughs] you can find us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @FanaticalFics.
Sequoia: If you have any longer thoughts or short thoughts, medium sized thoughts, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Make sure to get in those story summary voice recordings for our hundredth episode.
Kim: Speaking of social media, do you have any soc medes to plug my beaut Colin?
Colin: I don’t use any social media that exists on this material plane, and if you know which ones I’m talking about then you’re probably already a follower. [Sequoia laughs] So go ahead and give me a message on [makes static sound]. [Sequoia laughs] If you like, you can listen to my podcast Remedial Sex Ed, an educational sex podcast for anxious adult children. We are currently on hiatus, but you can listen to our back log. And that is Remedial Sex Ed. You can find that where pods are cast.
Kim: And we, Sequoia and I, have seen Colin’s two co hosts. They’re both doing okay. They’re fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yes. We’ve seen all of them. Yeah.
Colin: We keep getting lovely messages from worried listeners. We’re fine. Everything is fine. It’s just been s… you know. Everything has been so tough…
Kim: Yeah
Colin: …the podcast is another thing…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: …that we have not time to do. But we’ll come back some day.
Sequoia: If you wanna help out this podcast, there are a couple of ways you can do that. Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook.
Kim: Other places. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Or any of those. Or any of those… those other social media platforms on other planes of existence that Colin was talking about. I’m sure those accept reviews of podcasts too.
Colin: [static] book and [static] face.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Leave us… you could also leave us a review in your friends’ text messages. [Sequoia laughs] Text messages to your friends. Trick your friends into listening to the podcast!
Sequoia: [laughs at length] I think that’s the best one you’ve ever done!
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: [still laughing] That was very good.
Kim: Fuck me, man! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: You can also come and support us on Patreon. We have a Discord over there, where we do movie watch parties, we have fanfiction round tables. We have common room house parties now. You can get full bonus episodes, livestreams, and exclusive merch.
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song. Also thanks to Colin for coming on.
Sequoia: Thanks Colin.
Kim: We’re sorry the energy got so weird in this video. [everyone laughs]
Colin: This… it is going to be a very special episode. I can feel it. [everyone laughs]
Kim: All right everyone!
All: Byeeeee!