Episode 95: The Day He Grew Up
Harry Potter Fanfiction? WHAT’S BETTER THAN THAT?!
Recommendation: The Night Before
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jessica
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So in theory, I could raise this standing desk and then, like, record in a standing fashion.
Sequoia: I think that would do some really fun stuff for the visual bit.
Kim: Yeah, and for, like, my projection. I hunch too much during, you know… normally I'm kinda…
Sequoia: Okay. So you're saying that you should be louder.
Kim: Really… I could really project! [Sequoia laughs] I could be louder. I worry that standing would do some… would encourage me to do some stuff with my hands that would lead me to hitting the mic stand more, though.
Sequoia: I cannot have that.
Kim: Mkay.
Sequoia: I cannot… I cannot condone that.
Kim: I guess, then I will stay sitting.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: [fancy voice] Hooray! [Kim sputters] Huzzah!
Kim: And callooh callay! On this joyous of days! [Sequoia chuckles] Fuck man, what the fuck is this?
Sequoia: Whoo, I don't know. Our energy's gonna be maybe a little weird today. And I think that's probably understandable and we should just roll with it.
Kim: Callooh! Callay!
Sequoia: [laughs] To be honest, though, is there a day when our energy isn't weird? [pause] Yeah, I can't think of one. No, I got nothin’.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: All right. So before we get into the fanfiction portion of our fanfiction podcast, we have the announcement portion…
Both: …of our fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Announcement number one. There's a subreddit for the podcast at r/fanaticalfics. They've been posting threads for the new episodes. So if you wanna go discuss the pod with some pod people…
Sequoia: Yeah! Go post your predictions there. Yeah, go hang out there.
Kim: I’unno.
Sequoia: I don't know anything about Reddit. [laughs]
Kim: Reddit is a website.
Sequoia: It is a website. There is a subreddit. [Kim snorts] We are beginning to get transcripts up on our website.
Kim: Yes, we are!
Sequoia: Kim worked hard on that over her…
Kim: Did we introduce ourselves? We did.
Sequoia: Yes, we did! Jesus Christ almighty! What the fuck, man? [laughs]
Kim: [meekly] I dunno!
Sequoia: Kim worked very hard to start getting these up on our website. So…
Kim: I didn't work that hard. The people that actually worked hard are the people doing the transcripts. I just put them on the website.
Sequoia: [laughs] The transcribers are amazing. We are always accepting new volunteers for our transcription team. You can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com to join the transcription team…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …run by the fabulous Abbey.
Kim: Yep. Those are going to continue to roll out as we get them in. So we'll be filling in that back catalogue as we go.
Sequoia: If you're wondering when the next story time is, we're here to tell you the answer to that question. It's the twenty third, at noon Mountain Time.
Kim: The time that it is in this mountainous region.
Sequoia: In this mountain area. I've given up on Daylight or Standard Time. I never know if it's Daylight Time or Standard Time…
Kim: It’s Standard.
Sequoia: …so I've just been saying Mountain Time.
Kim: It's Standard. It's Standard.
Sequoia: It's Standard? Are you sure?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Are you sure?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Mountain Standard Time, noon, the twenty third. Kim is gonna read something to y'all, so…
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: You can subscribe to us on YouTube, or watch out on our social media platforms, and we will be posting the link day of.
Kim: One more. Our hundredth episode is still coming up.
Sequoia: Yeah, it continues to be coming up.
Kim: No, we've gotten some submissions already, though. So just to remind you all, we are seeking submissions of you reading us a short story summary.
Sequoia: Yes, no more than three hundred words, character voices are absolutely encouraged. You will be reading that to us, so there is a Google Voice number you can call and leave a voicemail to. That is in the description. Or you can just email us an mp3 of that thing to fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: I'm really excited about it.
Kim: Me too! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Just a couple of quick social media shout outs in the social media shout out portion of our fanfiction podcast.
Kim: We've been getting some EXCELLENT old, old predictions from Drew on our Twitter. So thank you very much for sending those in. We LOVE to see them.
Sequoia: Yes, they're amazing. We have also gotten some really fun fanart that has been sent over to us via email, so I am going to be posting those on Instagram. So go ahead and follow us on Instagram, @fanaticalfics, if you want to see some really amazing stuff that the fam has been doing.
Kim: Enough of that.
Sequoia: Is it time for the fanfiction portion of our fanfiction podcast?
Kim: I believe it is.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: It's your turn, my friend.
Sequoia: It is my turn. I'm very excited, because you did let slip that your quick fic was going to be a listener submission.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And both my story and my rec are listener submissions. So this is just…
Kim: All listener submission episode! [Sequoia chuckles] We’ve definitely done one of those before, I would guess. We're very lazy.
Sequoia: Well, yeah.
Kim: And the listeners are very good at finding things.
Sequoia: It's mostly that. I’m like…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …I could read fanfiction for seven hours to find something, or I could go to the listener submissions, and they've done a fucking fabulous job!
Kim: Seriously though. Last episode, I looked both through, like, the really old stuff on FF and extensively through the mystery tag, and I had never read that story before it was sent to me.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, so y'all are doing a great job and we're really excited for our all listener submission day. We will start out with predictions. So send your predictions in, tweet them at us, #FanficDivination, answer our story on Instagram, or go respond to that thread on our subreddit. It's time. Are you ready?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: This story is called The Day He Grew Up.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: It was submitted to us by Karo. Thank you so much for sending this in, this is… you looked deeply into the heart of the podcast, really understood who we are and what we're looking for in this world, and then sent this by, so… it is adventure/romance!
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: And it came out post Order of the Phoenix by like, three weeks. [chuckles]
Kim: [groans] Okay? Okay. Prediction number one. This is a story where Sirius will be brought back to life.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: 'Cause post Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: Sure! Yep.
Kim: Prediction number two. I think this might be a Drarry!
Sequoia: [laughs] Nice.
Kim: We haven’t had one of those in a while.
Sequoia: We haven’t, we haven't. That's fair.
Kim: Prediction number three. He grows up when he gets a kiss??
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay! Sure. Those were all predictions.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Mhm, mhm. Well, if you're ready, let's just fucking get into it, my dude.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Okay. The Day He Grew Up. [witchy voice, used for Voldemort throughout] "Well, well, well, Potter, it seems as though I have the upper hand. Ahahahahahaha!" [Kim laughs] said Voldemort, with a sickening cackle.
Kim: Is that a Voldemort voice?
Sequoia: It’s whatever Voldemort's voice is today, that I decided, from now on.
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: I can't do YOUR Voldemort voice.
Kim: Right! Obviously not. I'm not telling you to do that. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: "We'll see about that, Voldemort!" shouted Harry, as he tried…
Kim: This is big comic book vibes.
Sequoia: Seems as though I have the upper hand! It does. I love that.
Kim: We’ll see about that, Doc Ock.
Sequoia: [laughs] "We'll see about that, Voldemort," shouted Harry, as he tried to think of a way out of this duel.
Kim: Use your one spell! [Sequoia chuckles] Sorry.
Sequoia: Harry, you have two ways out of this duel.
Kim: Die?
Sequoia: One is you use your one… yeah, one is you die, and one is you use your one spell. Voldemort had yet again made Harry take a portkey to his run down mansion.
Kim: Really? That worked a second time?
Sequoia: A second time.
Kim: You wouldn't think that would work twice.
Sequoia: Yeah! [Kim laughs] Yeah, you wouldn't. You'll see… you'll see how it worked though. Hold for the text.
Kim: Did they, like… did they, like, turn Harry's toothbrush into a portkey? [Sequoia laughs] Never expect that.
Sequoia: You wouldn't! Surprisingly, Harry was holding his own, but he couldn't seem to take the advantage.
Kim: Oh, that's… no. He's not.
Sequoia: [laughs] He's not holding his own!
Kim: He’s just not.
Sequoia: Then Voldemort launched the famous killing curse, Avada Kedavra, straight at Harry, and hit him square in the chest.
Kim: Oh! Bye Harry.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, we said there's two ways out of the duel.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You die or you use your one spell!
Kim: Yeah, I guess so.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Does he grow up by dying?!
Sequoia: I mean, I think that… I think we'll have to revisit that.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I think we might have to… have to discuss that later. [both laugh] "NOOOOOO!" Harry yelled.
Kim: Is that Harry…? Harry's yelling while dying.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The killing curse is usually instantaneous.
Sequoia: No, it hit him and he sort of saw it hitting him in slow motion and he went, nooooo!
Kim: Oh. And he didn't dodge? Whuh whuh whuh whuh whuh!
Sequoia: Matrix style? No, this is a comic book. He's slowly falling to the ground while going, noooo! And there's a lot of Os, and then some exclamation points.
Kim: Uh huh. Okay!
Sequoia: Harry yelled as he felt darkness surround him and he started to black out. You're not blacking out. You're dying.
Kim: You were dying. Yeah, this is… [Sequoia laughs] fine. Do that, I guess.
Sequoia: The last thing he saw before the darkness took him was a shining bird carrying a man toward Voldemort.
Kim: Whaaat? [Sequoia chuckles] Okay? Weird. I was kinda hoping he was gonna, like, cross over, and then he and Sirius were gonna come back… I want Sirius! Fine.
Sequoia: You'll see. Maybe Sirius will come later in the story. We're still in the very beginning.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Then the darkness consumed him. A passage of time.
Kim: He did die. He died!
Sequoia: Mkay, so… I… [chuckles]
Kim: He’s dead.
Sequoia: Here's the thing about it.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: No. [both laugh] And I wanna make this really clear right now. There is NO explanation. We are not given any explanation as to why he did not die. [laughs]
Kim: [whispering] Yes. Oh yes, very good.
Sequoia: He's just not dead. Here he is. [both chuckle]
Kim: That's nothing. I like it.
Sequoia: [gruff voice] "Look, he's stirring," said a low voice that was like a growl. Harry woke up and found himself in a very cushiony bed. Harry's vision was blurry, but he could still recognize his surroundings. He was in the hospital wing of Hogwarts.
Kim: Where he finds himself at the end of every book!
Sequoia: [laughs] I've been here before!
Kim: At the end of every book!
Sequoia: "How did I get here?"
Kim: Well, you died.
Sequoia: Well, no. I mean, you were supposed to die. But for… for reasons, you didn't. So now you're here. [Kim sighs] "How did I get here?" Harry asked in a slightly groggy voice. "Dumbledore brought you back from the Riddle mansion, Harry. He saved you just in the nick of time," said a kind voiced wizard Harry knew as Arthur Weasley. [high, wavering voice] "Harry, you need to rest. You had a very big battle just a while ago.” [Kim sputters] You died just a while ago! You need to get some rest? [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] So confused.
Sequoia: …said none other than Dumbledore himself.
Kim: Hi Dumbledore. It's good that you flew in right after Harry died.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Harry got killed by the killing curse. And I think that what… what is trying to be insinuated here is that then Fawkes carried Dumbledore, just sort of grabbed him by the arms…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and flew him to the Riddle mansion, because Dumbledore has no other magical means of transportation.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Just sort of picked him up, [laughing] flew him to Riddle mansion, dropped him in front of Voldemort, and Voldemort just sort of went screaming for the hills or something. And then they took Harry back to… to the… to Hogwarts.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Where he was then not dead.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “Okay, I'll try.” And as soon as he said those words, he fell asleep instantly.
Kim: He died again. What?
Sequoia: [laughing] He died again! A change in locale. “I couldn't save him,” she thought. “I was right there. He was about to tell me something important…”
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ.
Sequoia: “...and I let him be taken.”
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: If this is fucking Harmony, I'm leaving.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hold for the fucking text, my dude!
Kim: No!
Sequoia: “He Who Must Not… no. I won't fear him. Voldemort took the two people I cared about the most away from me.” Any thoughts? Any thoughts?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You got anything? You got anything? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Kim: Oh, is this… is this Cho?
Sequoia: “He took Cedric. I didn't really like him…”
Kim: Wow! What the fuck, Cho?!
Sequoia: [laughs] He took the two people I cared about the most, a guy I didn't really like [laughing] and Harry.
Kim: Cho, what is wrong with you?
Sequoia: Whoo! She's here!
Kim: Hey, do you think you've been getting all the Cho stuff recently because they don't wanna hear my Cho voice ever again?
Sequoia: A hundred and twelve percent.
Kim: Huh!
Sequoia: Your Cho voice is… it’s… [laughs]
Kim: Uh huh? A curse upon us all? Unlistenable garbage?
Sequoia: It is a curse upon us. Unlistenable. [both chuckle] That's it. That's the one I was looking for. [with tons of vocal fry] I couldn’t save him. He took Cedric. She didn't really like Cedric.
Kim: Right. But he was one of the people she cared about the most!
Sequoia: Cared about the most. “Well, it was more of a brotherly love. And the one person I cared about the most, Harry Potter.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “The Boy Who Lived.”
Kim: Here's the thing.
Sequoia: Mhm?
Kim: Harry/Cho, post Order of the Phoenix, is buck wild. [Sequoia guffaws] Why would you do that?
Sequoia: I mean, to be fair to this… to this fanfiction writer, it did… this did come out like right after Order of the Phoenix, and, like…
Kim: You think it’s likely they haven't read it yet?
Sequoia: I think maybe they haven't read it yet.
Kim: Okay. I forgive them.
Sequoia: They were just like, ugh! My dad won't buy me the book. I'll just write some fanfiction instead until I can get it from the library.
Kim: There was often, like, a transition period in between the newest book coming out, where you would get fanfics, and some of them would be tagged with spoilers. [Sequoia laughs] If the… if the fic author was nice.
Sequoia: Yeah. [chuckles] Valid.
Kim: It’d be like, this one has… this one has Order of the Phoenix spoilers. I know the book just came out, so this is… I'm tagging it here. And they didn't always do that, though.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: 'Cause what are tags on FF?
Sequoia: Yes, this is Cho/Harry post Order of the Phoenix.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “Voldemort had apparated right in front of us, at the edge of the lake.”
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: You can't apparate at Hogwarts grounds!
Kim: Yeah, but also how big is the fucking lake? Maybe the lake’s big enough that it extends past the borders.
Sequoia: That’s true, that’s true.
Kim: And they had walked… they were just walking and they…
Sequoia: And they'd lost track of time, and space.
Kim: Lost track of time and space.
Sequoia: Because they are so in love.
Kim: 'Cause they're so in love. Okay, so Voldemort apparates in and then portkeys Harry out?
Sequoia: Yes. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Voldemort had apparated right in front of us, at the edge of the lake, with a beat up goblet in his hand. He snatched Harry's hand away from mine, and touched it to the goblet.”
Kim: And held it in his!
Sequoia: And held it there. They gently held hands. [both laugh]
Kim: What is this? [Sequoia laughs] Oh no!
Sequoia: “…and touched it to the goblet, which had turned out to be a portkey. It was all my fault!”
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know why you think that's your fault. You were literally just standing there.
Kim: You’re just standing there, Cho.
Sequoia: And the most powerful dark wizard of all time just sort of, like, popped up next to you and grabbed your boyfriend and left. Like, there's not…
Kim: That's not… no, you couldn’t…
Sequoia: There's not really a whole lot you can do.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: “It was all my fault,” Cho thought as she sat at the edge of the lake, crying over what had happened just a little over an hour ago.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Cho looked around towards the castle. Two figures were running toward her. It was Ron and Hermione, Harry's two best friends! I love it when fanfiction tells me who the characters are.
Kim: Me too.
Sequoia: Side note. It’s really, really cute, actually.
Kim: I like it. It is. I like imagining people that just read fanfiction.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yeah.
Kim: They exist.
Sequoia: Oh, they do.
Kim: They exist.
Sequoia: Oh, they do. [chuckles]
Kim: And I like them. That’s a weird energy.
Sequoia: "Cho!" Ron yelled as they sped over toward Cho even faster. They stopped and started to pull Cho up off the ground. "They found him! They found him!" Hermione shouted.
Kim: They found his dead body! [Sequoia laughs] He did die!
Sequoia: [laughing] His body! His dead… he’s dead!
Kim: Come look at Harry's dead body! Cho!
Sequoia: Cho’s like, not again!
Kim: Oh, no! Why does this keep happening?
Sequoia: [laughs some more] Whoo. "You mean they found Harry?" “He's in the hospital wing. We can go see him now!" Cho sped back to the castle without another word to either of them. When Cho arrived at the hospital wing, Harry was up and sitting on his bed, drinking some pumpkin juice.
Kim: Didn't they JUST tell him to take a nap? That was a short nap.
Sequoia: They did. It was like a cat nap. It was like fifteen more minutes.
Kim: Okay. All right, 'Cause, okay, Harry got taken from the side of the lake an hour ago.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: He battled Voldemort for some unspecified amount of time, and Dumbledore rescued him and then was like, okay, you're awake now, take a nap!
Sequoia: And then he took a fifteen minute nap and then he was thirsty.
Kim: Okay. All right.
Sequoia: And now he's having some pumpkin juice.
Kim: I'm not sure the timeline works out, but fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] "Harry!" Cho yelled as she flung herself at Harry and embraced him so he couldn't breathe. "How did you survive?"
Kim: [laughs] Well, he's not going to if you choke him to death!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: How did you survive this time? I'll take you out for my master!
Sequoia: [laughs] [snootily] I didn't really like Harry. [both chuckle] "How did you survive?" Cho said in a worried voice. "Cho, listen, I can't talk about that now. But meet me up at the top of the astronomy tower…”
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: “…at five o'clock on Saturday. Okay?"
Kim: They’re gonna make out! [Sequoia cackles] I can't talk about it. Why not? Why the fuck not?
Sequoia: 'Cause he LITERALLY doesn't know, man. [laughs]
Kim: Oh okay, you could just say that.
Sequoia: Like, I have zero clue how I survived. The killing curse hit me square in the damn chest, and then darkness enveloped me and now I'm here, so…
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: The astronomy tower. Very important.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: "Okay Harry, talk to you then," Cho said as she gave Harry…
Kim: Or you can talk now.
Sequoia: No, he's… he was like, I can't talk to you. I'm drinking pumpkin juice.
Kim: I'm supposed to be taking a nap.
Sequoia: Supposed to be taking a nap. [chuckles]
Kim: Got thirsty. You know when you wake up in the middle of a sleep and you are so, so thirsty.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And then you go back to sleep.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What's better than that?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, we'll see.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: "Okay Harry, talk to you then," Cho said as she gave Harry a quick peck on the cheek and headed back to the Ravenclaw common room. A passage of time.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Harry waited for Cho at the top of the tower at five o'clock that Saturday. When Cho arrived, she immediately…
Kim: How many days do you think it's been?
Sequoia: The author in a quotations author's note type experience did insinuate that it was two days, and they were not entirely sure what happened within those two days? [laughs]
Kim: No! No, what?
Sequoia: [laughing] They did! There was an A/N and it was like, well, two days passed and who knows what happened then?
Kim: [laughs] Harry didn't talk to Cho for two days!
Sequoia: He was napping!
Kim: He was napping… Harry napped for two days.
Sequoia: Two days!
Kim: Oh, my goodness gracious. Author, you're so… that's adorable.
Sequoia: It's good. It's very good.
Kim: I don't know what happened in my story. It doesn't matter!
Sequoia: [laughs] Irrelevant.
Kim: Let's go to make out point!
Sequoia: When Cho arrived, she immediately asked why he wanted to meet here. "Cho, I need to go away to train, to defeat Voldemort.” [Kim sputters] [Sequoia laughs] What? It’s an adventure story.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: Don’t you remember?
Kim: I'd forgotten because nothing is happening.
Sequoia: [laughs] It's an adventure story. He needs to go on an adventure.
Kim: Right, okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: “I don't know how long I will be gone. But I want to give you this."
Kim: What is it? What's he gonna give her?
Sequoia: With a flick of his wand, Harry conjured up two packages and gave one to Cho and kept the other for himself.
Kim: Is it a love bracelet?
Sequoia: "Cho, listen.”
Kim: Promise ring. [Sequoia chuckles] Matching t-shirts. Come on, what is it?
Sequoia: “Take this katana.”
Kim: NO! [Sequoia screeches] NO, fuck you, no! Fuck you! No fucking way!
Sequoia: I can’t believe you didn’t guess that there were fucking swords in this fucking story, my dude!
Kim: Shit! Fuck!
Sequoia: How dare you! How dare you.
Kim: [intensely whispering] Fuck. [Sequoia laughs] Fuckin’… fuckin’…
Sequoia: Karo looked right into the soul of the podcast!
Kim: And was like, oh, Harry's giving Cho magic katanas. This is an FF story!
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Obviously! I'm sorry, everyone. I should have known better! [Sequoia laughs] Fuck me, I guess. Sorry for saying fuck you. Fuck me!
Sequoia: Oh man. Whoo! “Take this katana. [Kim laughing throughout] It is a special katana that will amplify your magic and let you use it through the blade, making it extremely powerful.”
Kim: That is one of my fuckin’ favorite tropes, that's noth-ing!
Sequoia: Katana wand!
Kim: [strained] But if katana wands were better than regular wands, why wouldn't everyone use them?
Sequoia: A little bit… a little more unwieldy than a wand. Whoo, I am sweating! Okay.
Kim: Katana wands.
Sequoia: “I want you to train every day while I'm gone, to prepare yourself for the battle ahead.”
Kim: Why not just fuckin’ take her with you, you piece of shit?
Sequoia: [laughs] Because he is going to a very speci-cal… speci-cal?
Kim: It's special and magical!
Sequoia: Special… [laughs] a very speci-cal place that is only for chosen peeps. You have to have been chosen…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ..by the… the chooser…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: [laughs] …in order to go. I don't know! Harry can’t afford the distraction.
Kim: Ah. Sure.
Sequoia: Cho just looked at Harry in awe. "Cho, the reason I gave you this is because I care about you more than anyone else in this world.”
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: “And if I lost you, I would have no one left on this planet for me."
Kim: Oh, oh no! What about all your friends?
Sequoia: Literally all your friends?
Kim: All the… all the people in your life that you think are your dad?
Sequoia: [laughs] Your ten dads?
Kim: Harry. You have so many people who care about you. Oh, yikes.
Sequoia: With that, Cho flung her arms around Harry and kissed him passionately on the lips, katana still in hand. [Kim sputters] I don't know why it was necessary to point that out, but…
Kim: That was a necessary detail. Come on, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Katana still in hand!
Kim: She's ready for business. [Sequoia laughs] Katana business. [whispering] Shit.
Sequoia: "Cho," Harry said once they finally parted. "When your katana glows blue and red, that means I will be back in one day’s time. And you are to tell Dumbledore…”
Kim: Just send a letter?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: A letter could be intercepted. [Kim sighs] By the dark forces. It's much easier to give your high school girlfriend…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …a katana…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …for an undetermined amount of time.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: That she has to watch all the time.
Sequoia: That she has to watch literally at all times.
Kim: To see if it's glowing.
Sequoia: Much easier.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia chuckles] Okay, okay. The vibes of this story… I feel like this is the story… the kind of story I would have written if I had been writing fanfiction at age twelve.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This is the kind of story I would have written.
Sequoia: Amazing. This is an amazing story.
Kim: I like it.
Sequoia: It started out with really big comic book energy.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So I see it, I see it. [chuckles]
Kim: Uh huh. And now we've got some special katanas. Love it! I'm about it.
Sequoia: “And you are to tell Dumbledore that I'm coming back. Make sure you stay close to the school after you graduate, so you can tell Dumbledore quickly.”
Kim: In case I'm not back until after you graduate. What?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You have to stay an undetermined amount of time, and you have to stay at Hogwarts and give up on any plans you had afterwards!
Sequoia: Exactly. This is much more important.
Kim: Cho, look at me.
Sequoia: Keeping your eyes on this katana at all times.
Kim: And staying next to Dumbledore, who I also could have given this katana to.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But am choosing not to.
Sequoia: Because Dumbledore isn't the person that he loves the most in the whole world without whom the whole world would be useless because no one would love him.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It's Cho, so he has to give Cho the katana.
Kim: Right, but if Cho has to, like… the only thing Cho has to do with that information is give it to Dumbledore. Please continue. Cho had plans, man!
Sequoia: I’m sure she did. When they parted, Harry summoned his broom and sped off into the sunset. Once he was gone, Cho… That’s just a good image. I like it.
Kim: Byeee!
Sequoia: [laughs] Have fun with the next undetermined amount of years! Once he was gone, Cho made a promise to herself. She would do as Harry said and train herself in this katana type magic and master it for Harry. Her Harry.
Kim: [snorts] Katana.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Oh, okay. That seemed like the end!
Sequoia: No. Katana type magic. It’s fine. It had been two years since Harry had left, and Voldemort had stayed at bay in fear of Dumbledore.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Cho had trained her heart out and she had bought a house in Hogsmeade, so she could be close to Hogwarts when her katana glowed red and blue.
Kim: Okay. Fine. What’s she doing?
Sequoia: In the basement of her house…
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: …Cho had set up a practice dojo. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: Oh, I’m so into it.
Sequoia: It had everything she needed to train.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Punching bags.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Wood blocks.
Kim: Why… nope, what? No, what?
Sequoia: Wood blocks?
Kim: Punching bags?
Sequoia: Yeah, punching bags! She’s… okay, here's the thing. You don't just… you don't just wield the katana magically without the strength.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: You gotta have some… some upper body strength, in order to… in order to wield the katana truly. [Kim snickers] I dunno man, she’s planning on punching some people!
Kim: Wood blocks.
Sequoia: And dummies that when you fire spells at them they would tell you how efficient the spell was. That's pretty cool.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cho had become quite adept at katana magic.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She had taken a liking to water magic, using her katana.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: If she wanted, she could send a tidal wave of water at the enemy…
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: …doing major damage to them. [both laugh]
Kim: She's like a Pokémon.
Sequoia: She’s just like a Pokémon!
Kim: She's a water type Pokémon.
Sequoia: [groans] It's a comic book, and there’s katanas, and she's a water type Pokémon! [groans]
Kim: It's so good! [Sequoia laughs] She’s using surf.
Sequoia: I cannot handle this fanfiction. Although she had remained single, many guys in seventh year had tried to win her heart.
Kim: She’s not single, she’s still with Harry, what?
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s not… well, yeah, this doesn’t make any sense. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: A little over two years of training had made her an even more beautiful woman. But she remained single, for her Harry.
Kim: It’s not single. She’s not single.
Sequoia: One man… No, she's not single. One man, Jake Edgecombe, was persistent.
Kim: What a…
Sequoia: Cho did like…
Kim: What a bad person. [Sequoia chuckles] Just say you're not single!
Sequoia: You're not single, that's the thing. What if you just… oh, Jesus. Cho did like him in a friendly way and liked to talk to him, but that was it. “Jake, I told you a million times that I won't go out with you. I’m going out with Harry!”
Kim: Oh, okay, what? Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't… I don't know. I don’t know!
Kim: It's fine. It’s fine! [Sequoia laughs] It’s fine.
Sequoia: …said a very annoyed Cho Chang. [bro voice] “Harry's not coming back, Cho. Face it, he got scared and ran off.”
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: “Come on, I know you like me. Give me a chance! I swear you won't regret it!"
Kim: [sing song voice] Just take no for an answer!
Sequoia: [sing song voice] For an answer! Nice, that was a good song. "No. Now leave me alone. I have to…" But Cho was cut off by the eerie glow and hum of her katana…
Kim: Oh, it hums too.
Sequoia: …glowing a bright blue and red. Yeah it’s…
Kim: You know blue and red is usually described as purple.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, it’s flashing.
Kim: Oh, it’s flashing?
Sequoia: I’m pretty sure it’s flashing.
Kim: Like a siren?
Sequoia: Blue! Red! Blue! Red! Untz, untz, untz, untz!
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Like a little dance party. [makes dance music sounds]
Kim: Huh! Is that what the feature’s actually for? It’s so you can have a katana dance party? And Harry's kinda modified it…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …so it’s a warning.
Sequoia: Yeah. It was intended as a dance party tool, though.
Kim: Dance party feature.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s what most [Sequoia makes more dance noises] magical items have in them.
[pause]
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, fine. "What the hell is that?!" said a very freaked out Jake. "Harry, he's finally coming home! He's coming back!"
Kim: You were just supposed to tell Dumbledore. There was one person… [Sequoia guffaws] you can’t be spreading that knowledge around to this fucking fuckhead!
Sequoia: Exactly! You don't… you don't know who this guy is!
Kim: You don't know anything about this guy!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Edgecombe.
Sequoia: Yeah he’s Marietta Edgecombe’s brother.
Kim: Marietta’s only in book five, isn't she?
Sequoia: Yeah, and she's a sneak, so why’re you telling this Jake dude anything?
Kim: They've read book five, Sequoia.
Sequoia: They have read book five. Oh noooo.
Kim: At least part of it.
Sequoia: Whatever. [both laugh]
Kim: Good for them.
Sequoia: [chuckling] Good for them.
Kim: I'm so proud of them!
Sequoia: …Cho said, with so much joy in her voice you would think she had won the Quidditch World Cup. “I have to tell Dumbledore!" She raced up the stairs and out of the house with Jake on her heels. "Tell Dumbledore what? What do you mean?”
Kim: Listen to Cho when she's talking, you… [sputters]
Sequoia: You son of a bitch! “Cho? Cho! [garbled scream] Cho!" Change of locale.
Kim: Mkay. Is this shitbag gonna follow her? I’m sick of him.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, we don't see him ever again.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: "He's coming back! It happened, he's coming back!" said an exhausted Cho. She had run all the way to Dumbledore's office without stopping. "This is wonderful news, Miss Chang. I will inform everyone right now!" "No, don't, Professor! I want it to be a surprise for everyone.”
Kim: We’re gonna throw a surprise Harry party! Huh?
Sequoia: "As you wish, Miss Chang," said an amused Dumbledore, who had that familiar twinkle in his eye.
Kim: About what? Why?
Sequoia: “But on the night of his return we will have a gigantic feast for his return, even though no one will know why.”
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: “Oh, and I also want you at the head table."
Kim: Uhh…
Sequoia: "Yes, Professor." And with that, they went their separate ways to prepare for the arrival of the Boy Who Lived, and the soon to be savior of the world.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Is that the end of the story?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: No, we’ve still got more to go!
Kim: I dunno, it just keeps seeming like it’s ending. [Sequoia laughs] I know this is gonna end on a cliffhanger at some point, because like…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …they're building something and they're just… they’re not gonna make it wherever they were going.
Sequoia: No, no. They had an idea, they had a lot of thoughts.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And they just didn't really… you'll see.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: A passage of time. As Cho prepared, she just couldn't help wondering if she would recognize Harry or not.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Hold please. Five years of training can change a person a lot.
Kim: I thought it was two!
Sequoia: It was two! This is a new chapter, and I feel like the author just, like, forgot what happened in the first chapter.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: ‘Cause it was two years, and it is now five years. So we’re just gonna roll with five years.
Kim: Yeah. Five years is a long time. Why are they having a feast? Nobody at Hogwarts knows who Harry is any more.
Sequoia: [laughs] Five years later? I'm sure they know who he is. They probably just think that he's dead.
Kim: Yeah, but none of his friends are there, I guess is what I really mean.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s true. There’s just like a bunch of fucking…
Kim: Children.
Sequoia: …shit kids. [chuckles]
Kim: Yeah. And Cho, at the head table.
Sequoia: Cho! [chuckles]
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: Looking herself over in her mirror, she could see her own change.
Kim: Ooh, ooh, yes!
Sequoia: She had not only filled in…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …in all the right places.
Kim: Hate that so much! [Sequoia laughs] Man, oh man. Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Woooooo!
Kim: I usually cut that ‘cause I actually can't say that sentence.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's a hard one to… it’s a hard one to… yep.
Kim: Ughuh.
Sequoia: Ew! Her muscles had become toned…
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: …and full.
Kim: She’s got those katana muscles, though.
Sequoia: She’s got those… those sweet katana muscles.
Kim: Before, she had Quidditch muscles. And now, katana muscles.
Sequoia: Which I assume are more.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to wait and see what Harry will think of me,” thought a very anxious and nervous Cho.
Kim: I think I look hot as hell!
Sequoia: ‘Cause I look amazing! As Cho made her way up the sloping lawn of Hogwarts, she noticed that Hagrid's cabin light was out. “He must be up at the feast,” she thought. “Come to think of it, everyone must be at the feast tonight.”
Kim: People get hungry and go to dinner most nights.
Sequoia: Also, like, it’s a big grand feast that Dumbledore is throwing in honor of Harry.
Kim: For no reason.
Sequoia: Yeah, in honor of nothing, but in honor of Harry. [both chuckle]
Kim: For no reason at all! Wink wink.
Sequoia: Oh, me? You know I love to have feasts.
Kim: Have feasts.
Sequoia: For everyone! [laughs] As she reached the oak doors of Hogwarts castle, they opened magically without her even touching them. “That's new.” As the raven haired beauty entered the hall she noticed that it was amazingly beautiful. “Dumbledore’s really going all out for Harry's triumphant return.” As Cho marched up to the head table and took her seat next to Dumbledore.
Kim: What do you think they did to make the Great Hall look amazingly beautiful? Do you think they just, like, cleaned it?
Sequoia: Yeah, some dusting.
Kim: They had more than just Filch clean it?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs] There's just like a bunch of, like, giant cardboard cut outs of Harry’s head [Kim laughs] and [laughs] lots of like lightning bolt themed decor. Everything’s sort of red and gold.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: And Dumbledore’s just like, I dunno, we're just having a feast, I dunno! [both chuckle] It’s for whatever! "Ah, Cho. Thank you for joining us on such a joyous occasion. I think that there will be something quite interesting happening tonight," Dumbledore said.
Kim: Winkingly. Very obvious winkingly.
Sequoia: [laughs] Big big wink. "When do you think he will be here?” said a very enthusiastic Cho. "I suppose after the sorting."
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: It was the sorting ceremony. I don't know!
Kim: Oh, okay! So there actually is a…
Sequoia: They’re having a feast for a reason!
Kim: They're having a grand feast because it’s the first day of school!
Sequoia: Dumbledore forgot. [both laugh] The first years are rolling into the feast and they’re like, man, they really love Harry Potter here. [both laugh some more] My god.
Kim: Weird!
Sequoia: "I suppose after the sorting,” Dumbledore said, but he seemed quite distracted. "Come now, Cho. Sit and be merry, for tonight our savior returns!"
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: I know. [pompous voice] For tonight! "If you say so, Dumbledore. But I feel as though something horrible is going to happen tonight."
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: I dunno. She…
Kim: What? Since when?
Sequoia: [laughs] Since now! Everything's going really weirdly, Dumbledore’s acting really strange. It’s the sorting feast but no one told her, nobody knows what’s going on, everyone forgot.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: "I hope you're wrong, for our own sake," Dumbledore said as his mood changed from the light and cheery Dumbledore to the dark and worried form that showed his age. A very short passage of time.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Where is he?” thought an exasperated Cho. Almost as if on cue, the Great Hall doors swung open with a loud groan.
Kim: Hell yes!
Sequoia: He’s walking here!
Kim: I love…
Sequoia: He’s been training for two to five years!
Kim: I LOVE… two to five years. Fuckity, fuckin’ fuck. I love a dramatic entrance into the Great Hall during the sorting ceremony. What is better than that? [Sequoia laughs] As… as often as we get it in there is not often enough.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's great. I don’t think there’s anything better than that. Than waking up and being kinda thirsty and then having a drink and then going back to sleep.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] Okay, second to that, fine.
Sequoia: There's only so many times in an episode I’m gonna let you get away with saying, what is better than that? [laughs]
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: Whoo.
Kim: Night water’s better, fine!
Sequoia: [laughs] In stepped a cloaked figure, whose only trait that could be seen was the way he carried himself.
Kim: Uhm.
Sequoia: He carried himself with such self respect and determination it was intimidating. As the figure strolled in and stopped in the middle of the hall, he unsheathed a beautifully crafted sword that was jeweled…
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: …and had such designs and markings that were unbelievable.
Kim: Why is he unsheathing his sword?
Sequoia: He just walks in, can’t see anything.
Kim: [whispering] Sword!
Sequoia: Shing!
Kim: This is quite an entrance.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Here we go.”
Kim: Is that Cho? Did Cho think that?
Sequoia: I think Cho thought that.
Kim: Okay! Weird thought to have, but fine.
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: No! You fucking fuckhead!
Sequoia: [laughs] The end-uh!
Kim: [sighs deeply] Gahhhhh.
Sequoia: Got ‘em! What?
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: Don't shake your head at me.
Kim: Rude! [Sequoia laughs] Rude.
Sequoia: All your predictions were wrong.
Kim: Oh yeah, big time wrong.
Sequoia: I'm really disappointed that you didn’t guess that there was gonna be swords.
Kim: Well…
Sequoia: It is an adventure story!
Kim: In retrospect, it’s very obvious, yes. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: The title gave you really nothing, though.
Kim: It didn't. Yeah.
Sequoia: 'Cause I’m not entirely sure if we have not yet seen the day he grew up.
Kim: Yeah, I think…
Sequoia: The day he grew up is… 'cause I told you we’d talk about it later.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Is the day he grew up the day he died?
Kim: I think we didn’t get there.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Let’s do a segment! I think it’s time for…
Both: …quick ficssssss!
Kim: Quick fics is a segment where we shortly summarize a fic that might not be right for the pod for whatever reason, or other things.
Sequoia: [laughs] Bring it on.
Kim: For my quick fic today, I was sent a story that is absolutely fuckin’ buck willllld!
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay?
Kim: This story, I just like… umm!
Sequoia: Uh…
Kim: It’s tagged crack.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It’s also tagged with the pairing.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I’m not sure what the best way to go about summarizing this is. All right, so this story starts out and someone is laying in the dirt dying, and they’re thinking about how they don’t want to die a virgin.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It becomes clear that this is not actually a person. It is a teaspoon.
Sequoia: Ohhkay?
Kim: Who's lying in the dirt dying and doesn’t wanna die a virgin.
Sequoia: Okayyy?
Kim: Ron Weasley comes across the teaspoon.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: And…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …they talk for a while.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And Ron’s like, I don't wanna die a virgin?
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: And he and the teaspoon do have sex, and Ron does die immediately aferwards.
Sequoia: [laughs] What the fuck, man?
Kim: It is… it is appropriately tagged crack.
Sequoia: Is… is…? Uhgh. Wha?
Kim: Yes? [Sequoia makes strangled noises of disbelief] What? What?
Sequoia: Just, like, Ron slash…
Kim: Teaspoon.
Sequoia: …the emotional range of a teaspoon. So Ron/a teaspoon.
Kim: Is that what you think they were going for?
Sequoia: I think that that's probably where their original idea came from.
Kim: What book was that line from? ‘Cause this is a relatively old story.
Sequoia: That was book… five.
Kim: Okay. That might be what they were going for, then.
Sequoia: Yeah. That's disgusting. Thank you, I guess! [laughs]
Kim: Thanks to the listener that sent that to me. I did read that and go, huh? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man! Okay, well, that was a quick fic for… for the ages. That was one that goes down in history.
Kim: Yup. It’s also tagged squick. It’s tagged crack and squick.
Sequoia: Mhm. Yes.
Kim: Which… both of those tags…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …are appropriate.
Sequoia: That’s appropriate.
Kim: It did squick me out! Squicked me right out.
Sequoia: Let’s… we’ll go to another segment, shall we?
Kim: All right.
Both: Let’s go to the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: Whaddya have for us today?
Sequoia: This is a drabble, so it's very very short. Five hundred words long. This was sent to us by Sophie. It is Harry/Charlie and it’s called…
Kim: Harry/Charlie?
Sequoia: Harry/Charlie.
Kim: Weird. I like it.
Sequoia: Called The Night Before, and it takes place the night before the final battle.
Kim: Ohh, interesting.
Sequoia: It’s very cute.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: That’s an unusual pairing and I'm into it.
Sequoia: Yeah, so check that out. The link will be in the description of this episode. It will also be on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also on our website you can find our story submission form.
Kim: Correct!
Sequoia: Every story that we did today [chuckles] was submitted by listeners. You are all very good at this game, thank you.
Kim: Thank you very, very much. Also on our website you can find links to our merchandise. We’ve got some merch up there on the website that we send out. Stickers, bookmarks, etc. Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: Yes!! Glitter!!! Also, there's a link to our TeePublic where you can find a much wider range of merch on a variety of items.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media. Tweet at us for whatever reasons you might find to tweet at us, such as old predictions.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Such as, I’m relistening to this episode from way back in the day and I just realized that you predicted that 2020 was gonna be great or whatever.
Kim: Please… stop reminding me. [Sequoia laughs] I realize this is partially my fault and I don’t wanna talk about it.
Sequoia: You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @Fanaticalfics.
Kim: Email us if you have any longer thoughts, or other things that you need to send to us for any of the things that we demand stuff for.
Sequoia: I also wanted to shout out to Quinn really quickly, who is, in three plus years, the first listener to ever send us an email titled, “Any Longer Thoughts.” [both laugh]
Kim: If you have any of those, send them to our email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: You can help out this podcast in a couple of different ways. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook or anywhere that will accept a review for this podcast.
Kim: Trick everyone 2021?
Sequoia: 2021! You can also support us on Patreon. We love all our Patrons in the Fanatical Fam over at Patreon, and on our Discord. It's a ton of fun over there. We’re just finishing up book club, about to implement some new fun hangouts, so come join us! If you become a Patron at some of the tiers for a certain amount of time, we will shout you out on the podcast. We do a little story summary, and then do a little shout out. So the story summary is gonna be Kim today. Kim, take it away.
Kim: It's a beautiful summer day and the Weasleys are enjoying it by taking a shopping trip to Diagon Alley. Mrs. Weasley has agreed to let the kids split up as they like, and Ron is relishing the opportunity to spend the day with just himself and his allowance. He’s browsing the shops at the wizard comic book store when a familiar blonde head appears in front of him. Draco reaches in to pick up the latest Marvin Muggle comic, and Ron can’t help the surprised sound that escapes him. Draco’s head whips around and he catches Ron staring at him. His face turns bright red. [deep bro voice] “You like Marvin too, Malfoy?” Ron asks. [Sequoia laughs] [whiny drawl] “Of course not, Weasley. I would never read this kind of trash, and certainly not about… about a Muggle.” Draco fumbles, trying to stuff the comic back on the shelf, and Ron stoops down to pick it up. “I’ve been really excited about this issue too. The last one was a real cliffhanger, wasn’t it? Do you think Mindy will forgive him?” “Don’t be ridiculous, Weasley, she's obviously not really mad at him, she’s… just…. embarrassed.”
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: “Do you wanna go grab some ice cream? [Sequoia gives a garbled sceam] We could read the new issue together.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! Amazing!
Kim: Did I just write some fanfiction? I dunno!
Sequoia: Yeah, that wasn’t a summary. That was some fanfiction.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: But I liked it anyway.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Shout out to Jordan Conrad, Effie Sapparetis, Sae Morgentau, Madison Thompson, Jacob Wilson, Lily Woodward, and Alexandra Gadawik.
Kim: Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Both: [wildly] Byeeee!