Episode 94: Hermione and the Time Rift
As we approach our 100th episode and enter our fourth calendar year we’ve decided not to talk about new years cause of the curse we put on 2020….
Recommendation: O Lucky Man
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Transcriber: Jessica
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Did you have the dream on Christmas?
Sequoia: The dream?
Kim: Yeah, you know, the one where you're roller skating through a forest [Sequoia laughs] and then you come upon a clearing… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, that dream? Yes, of course. Of course I had that dream.
Kim: The one that we all have on Christmas, Sequoia. Come on.
Sequoia: Exactly, exactly. No, I had the dream. I had the dream.
Kim: Okay. Did you… did you drink the milk?
Sequoia: Of course I drank the milk.
Kim: Yeah, I drank the milk too. [Sequoia laughs] Delicious.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Kim: [laughing] A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Did you forget how to do the podcast?
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: The last podcast we recorded together was But Make It Scary. It wasn’t our podcast.
Kim: It was. It was.
Sequoia: Throw… threw us off a little bit! [both laugh]
Kim: Threw me off! I no longer know what podcast I'm doing or how to do any podcast, so, you know.
Sequoia: It's okay.
Kim: It just took one episode. I have guested on other podcasts before, but one episode of But Make It Scary was enough to throw everything off. Oh dear!
Sequoia: It did take me until my seventh recording of But Make It Scary to at the end be like, you can follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @FanaticalFics. [laughs] The end!
Kim: You did that for seven episodes. Is that what you said?
Sequoia: I did that at the… on the seventh recording.
Kim: Oh! [laughs]
Sequoia: I was so good. I was so good. And then on the seventh recording I was like, [mumbling] thanks for… Fanatical Fics.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Okay, so this… but this podcast IS Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. It's a…
Both: …Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Yes, good.
Sequoia: And we have just, like… I… ugh. I can't explain how amazing it is that we have, like, our little weird… our UN of weirdos, as… as Colin calls it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But this, like, amazing Fanatical Fam full of incredible people who sent us a bunch of Christmas cards and Christmas presents and stuff. Man!
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: It was really surprising! We…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Y'all are so sweet.
Sequoia: Yeah. We really, really appreciate everybody who is sending us stuff. Like, it's very… I don't… I almost don't even know what to say. Like, I don't even have any… I don't have the correct words.
Both: Thank you. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. So we did want to shout out everybody who's been sending us stuff lately. So thank you so much to Jane, Andy, to swishyclang, who is our illustrious minister on the Discord. Treirina who sent us some really wonderful Hogwarts hats.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Winter hats. To Cassie, who sent us some really wonderful Christmas presents. The Hogsmeade witch, we really wish you luck in getting your… the rest of the Hogsmeade workers to get on board.
Kim: We’re working out a deal with Lee, actually, to get us on the Wizarding Wireless Network.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So that should make that easier to…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …listen to in Hogsmeade.
Sequoia: Yeah, so you don't have to deal with the Muggle technology. Thank you also to the twelve year old [Kim groans] that sent us a very nice letter.
Kim: Yes they did.
Sequoia: Let us know their Hogwarts house.
Kim: They certainly did.
Sequoia: Their DTP, their OTP. Got some good OTPs, great DTP.
Kim: Thank you for the… [sighs] thank you for the lett… [sighs] we can…
Sequoia: [laughs] It's okay.
Kim: I don't need to know that you're twelve. Don't… just don't tell me! [Sequoia laughs] Maybe just don’t tell me!
Sequoia: Thank you so much. You're awesome. And of course thank you to Luz who sent us a really wonderful Christmas card as well.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Thanks everyone! You are all amazing.
Kim: Really sweet.
Sequoia: Speaking of things that blow my freakin’ mind, man! [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, what's on your mind grapes, Sequoia?
Sequoia: On my mind grapes. We are approaching our one hundredth episode! [Kim laughs] What is happening?
Kim: That sounds super fake. [Sequoia laughs] That sounds fake. Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: Yeah, this is episode ninety four that we're doing right this second.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And…
Sequoia: Whoo.
Kim: …a hundred is quickly approaching, and we have some thoughts in our little heads.
Sequoia: We can't just do anything…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …for our one hundredth episode. We have a lot of little thoughts and a lot of little plans that we're excited to share with you. But this one involves all of you!
Kim: Yes. We want you to do some work for us. [Sequoia laughs] Again.
Sequoia: Again.
Kim: Once again, we are here to demand that you all provide us some content. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We wanna feature your voices, the voices of the Fanatical Fam, here on the one hundredth episode of this podcast.
Kim: So the format we'd like that to take is, if you would write us a summary in the style of our… sorry, excuse me. [singing] Summaryyyy!
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, no. Gotta do it!
Kim: In the style of our end of episode thanks, no more than about three hundred words, and then read it to us!
Sequoia: Character voices are encouraged in this reading experience.
Kim: Obviously. We have a Google Voice number set up.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So if you will leave us… leave those as a message in our voicemail. We have a voicemail now, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, we have a voicemail. Leave us a message.
Kim: It’s weird. Weird. Or email it to us as an mp3 file. And we will maybe use it in the episode!
Sequoia: Yeah. We're really excited to hear what summaries y'all come up with. We have a lot of fun writing these freakin’ stupid ones for the ends of our episodes…
Kim: Yeah, we do.
Sequoia: …as our Patreon thanks, because they're so fun to write. We did have a little summary competition on our Discord that was just incredibly hilarious, so…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …we're really excited to see what y'all come up with. And we want you to read them to us, because we want your voices here on the pod.
Kim: Yeah. The phone number will be in this episode's description?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So look for that. Or email them to us. Fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: All right, I guess it's time to get into it.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: The fanfiction portion of the fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Oh. I suppose… I suppose it is.
Sequoia: Are you ready? Are you even ready?
Kim: Well, I was expecting like, you know, tweet at us from… [both chuckle]
Sequoia: No, we can't do that every episode. You know.
Kim: …valley deep and…
Sequoia: Mountain high?
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. [laughs]
Kim: What? Sorry!
Sequoia: You're really leaning into this bit you hate.
Kim: What? [snorts]
Sequoia: You’re really leaning into the bit you hate, and…
Kim: Look, it's a chance for us to really show off how much we don't know anything about geography. [Sequoia laughs] Just, we really got to show off how stupid we are.
Sequoia: Fiji [Kim laughs] is the other one. It’s Fiji. All right. Tweet at us from valley deep, mountain high…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …any accompanying photos would be great too, of… of said valley or said mountain.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So let’s… [laughs]
Kim: You can also tweet your predictions at us.
Sequoia: You can, or answer this story on Instagram.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or email them to us.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or shout them into the void.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or tell some little woodland creatures, and they'll go tell Colin.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That actually won't get to us, personally.
Kim: No, no. He never tells us, but…
Sequoia: He doesn’t. He does not pass along the messages to us that you send to him. But he… I'm sure he’d like to hear your predictions.
Kim: He does… he does get them.
Sequoia: He gets them. So yeah.
Kim: All right. Here's your clues. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Clue number one is the title.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Hermione and…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …the Time Rift.
Sequoia: [cackles] Woo! Woo. Oh, I have chills. Incredible!
Kim: Yeah. The genre: Mystery!
Sequoia: [fervently] Ohh, wow. I thought it couldn't get better! Oh!
Kim: The time period…
Sequoia: Oh, my goodness.
Kim: Fuck, is this…? Is this pre Goblet of Fire?!
Sequoia: It's between Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire?
Kim: Yeah, like days before Goblet of Fire.
Sequoia: Holy shit! [both laugh] Oh, wow.
Kim: This is a very powerful set of clues.
Sequoia: [deeply] Ooh, wow. Prediction number one. I'm guessing that because this is post Prisoner of Azkaban…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …I'm guessing that the premise of the story is that… that because of all the time traveling they did…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …in Prisoner of Azkaban…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …some sort of time rift was then created.
Kim: Ooh.
Sequoia: So what I'm guessing is that there… in this story, there will be multiple Hermiones.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Some of those Hermiones remained in the timeline.
Kim: Ooh.
Sequoia: Prediction number two. I'm going to guess that the mystery is that they are looking for a person who has gone missing.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Who is not part of… a non trio Hogwarts student has gone missing.
Kim: Is missing. Okay, cool.
Sequoia: Prediction number three. The time rift is a… is something you can physically see.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And therefore there is potential to either get sucked into it or to fall into it.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And those are my predictions!
Kim: Those are good predictions.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: This is a powerful set of clues.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m…
Kim: This story was sent to us by Sam. Thank you very much, Sam. This story… this story is something. [both laugh] I'm super excited.
Sequoia: I'm excited for all of my predictions to be wrong, because I'm sure that this will still be an incredible story.
Kim: What is this story? Are you ready?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Hermione and the Time Rift. Chapter one.
Sequoia: [exhales] Ahhh.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione Granger was laying in the hospital wing, lost in her thoughts. She couldn't move or talk, but she was conscious and could think, and could see everything around her.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh no.
Kim: "I'll miss the exams!" she thought.
Sequoia: Classic Hermione! [both laugh] There’s clearly something dire happening and she's really worried about her grades.
Kim: Obviously. "Oh, god, and the piece of paper hasn't been discovered yet in my hand! When will the mandrakes be ready?!"
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: Do you know where we are?
Sequoia: We're in book two.
Kim: We are in book two.
Sequoia: We are in took Two. I did not see this coming. I did not see this coming.
Kim: Neither did… I read this story and I was like, what are we doing? This is awesome!
Sequoia: This is cool. Okay.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: She is petrified.
Kim: Hermione is petrified. But she is conscious. Which, I don't know if that’s… that’s…
Sequoia: She’s conscious.
Kim: That's horrible? That's horrible.
Sequoia: That sounds like not fun at all. Could you…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: If you get petrified with your eyes open and you're conscious, do you never go to sleep?
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Ugh.
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Ugh. Also, I do feel for her. She is having to be conscious of all the homework she's missing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: All the tests she's missing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: She was out for a long time.
Kim: Yeah. Quite a while.
Sequoia: Yeah. Like, this is not just one test she's missing. She's missing every test. And she knows. She knows.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Heartbreaking.
Kim: Year two, did the final… the final exams got cancelled in year two?
Sequoia: I would hope, or assume. [laughs]
Kim: Because… because of the nonsense?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right. Madam Pomfrey bustled in. "My dear patients," she said. "The mandrakes are nearly ready!"
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Professor McGonagall came in after her, her eyes glazed over in sadness. "Poppy, they've gotten rid of Albus! And…”
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: “...with the Chamber of Secrets open, there’s nothing to protect us!"
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Madam Pomfrey clapped a hand over her mouth. "No, they couldn't!" "Yes. Apparently they've suspended Rubeus, too." They're in kinda dire straits here.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is… this is… this is a time for action. How is Hemrione gonna get this… this paper in her hand discovered?
Kim: Harry does find it eventually.
Sequoia: I know. But I feel like in this story she's gotta have some hand in that. You know?
Kim: Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: You can't just have her be conscious for no reason.
Kim: Mhm. Madam Pomfrey swept out, looking horror stricken, a furious McGonagall following suit. About ten minutes later, a large noise was heard behind the door to the hospital wing. Ginny Weasley burst in, her wand in hand.
Sequoia: Ohh. What is going on?
Kim: What is going on?
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: What is happening? [Sequoia laughs] "You!" said Ginny. "You got away from the basilisk, you know it all! You know about the monster. You know, and since you didn't die, you have to now!”
Sequoia: Whoa!
Kim: “You must be killed by the basilisk, but how? Of course. I'll bring you to the past. Timelious fidelious!" [Sequoia laughs] Maybe time-ellius?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Time-OH-lus. Time-oh… time…
Sequioa: Time… time…
Kim: Time-OH-lus.
Sequoia: Time-uh-lus.
Kim: Time-uh-lus.
Sequioa: Time-uh-lus.
Kim: Time-uh-lus fide-uh-lus. Fidelius. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Ummmmm.
Kim: Time spell! Time travel!
Sequoia: Time spell! Time spell.
Kim: [to the rhythm of Floo Powder Power] Time travel spell, time travel spell, time travel spell!
Sequoia: I mean, there are a variety of things that would have worked besides time travel.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: To kill Hermione?
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: In this…
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: In this… in this portion?
Kim: She has to be killed by the basilisk for some reason.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah. Okay, okay.
Kim: Reasons.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure. Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Reasons! A wispy green beam came off of Ginny's wand and hit Hermione. She was whirling and whirling around, screaming. Then she fell to a stop on a hard, linoleum floor.
Sequoia: Linoleum?
Kim: It was the Great Hall.
Sequoia: Linoleum!
Kim: Which apparently has linoleum tiling!
Sequoia: Linoleum?! [laughs]
Kim: It was a different time, Sequoia! The Great Hall… [laughs]
Sequoia: They remodeled Hogwarts in the eighties.
Kim: Oh sorry, spoiler alert, she… no, Ginny said they’re in the past. They’re in the past.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: [laughing] In the past, the Great Hall had linoleum tiling!
Sequoia: This is a bit… this… is this the seventies? Is… have we been brought back to the seventies? When was linoleum big?
Kim: I don’t…
Sequoia: The seventies, right?
Kim: I think so, yeah? [Sequoia laughs] We're not in the seventies.
Sequoia: Why is there linoleum?!
Kim: It’s linoleum! [both laugh]
Sequoia: That's… that's my favorite bit of this story so far!
Kim: That’s nothing. Oh no. Hermione got up to her feet. Around the corner came a very old wizard in brilliant green robes. [creaky voice, used for Dippet throughout] "Hello," he said, outstretching his hand, which Hermione took slowly. “I'm the headmaster, Armando Dippet!”
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: “You must be Denise Golding!" "Er…”
Sequoia: No?
Kim: “Ummm…”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “Yes.”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “That would be me," said Hermione, smiling fakely.
Sequoia: Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that?
Kim: Why are you doing this thing? Why are you doing this thing? Why would you do that?
Sequoia: What is the point of agreeing?
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Why are you trying to remain under the radar? Just be like, no, I just had the ti… time… tima… timin…
Kim: I just went though the time rift.
Sequoia: Timeinius regilius spell done on me.
Kim: [laughs] You gotta keep the time travel on the DL, or else you're gonna rip a time rift in the time rift.
Sequoia: Oooh, rift-ception! [both chuckle]
Kim: Stupid. All right, Hermione agrees that that's her [whispering] for whatever reason. "Great! Now, let me go get the sorting hat!"
Sequoia: Is there other people there, or is it just her?
Kim: No, just her on the linoleum.
Sequoia: Ah, yes, I see you’ve… [chuckles]
Kim: Appeared on the linoleum!
Sequoia: Appeared on the linoleum!
Kim: Let’s get you sorted.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Gotta get you sorted.
Sequoia: She's just sitting there.
Kim: They were for some reason expecting an American transfer student or some shit, but they're not surprised that she's not… whatever! [Sequoia laughs] He reemerged moments later carrying the black, battered sorting hat. "Here you go." Oh, sorry. [creaky voice] "Here you go," he said. “Try it on! Are you a Ravenclaw? Perhaps a Gryffindor? Or maybe a Slytherin? Or possibly, Hufflepuff?"
Sequoia: Okay, Dippet.
Kim: He's giving her an abridged version of the song.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Hermione put the hat on her head. "Hmmm," said a small voice in her ear. "You should be trained well for everything that's going on. You have a smart mind. SLYTHERIN!"
Sequoia: Oh! Okay. This checks out. This is… this checks out.
Kim: Hermione is in Slytherin?
Sequoia: This checks out in a fanfiction world.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You've done something to Hermione, you've taken her to a new time. Of course she's a Slytherin. She can't just be a Gryffindor again.
Kim: Right. You gotta get her into Slytherin so that she can do whatever it is she's about to do. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. [chuckles]
Kim: "A Slytherin!" said Dippet, beaming. "Excellent house. My own, you know. Come, I'll bring you to the dungeon where the Slytherin house is."
Sequoia: She has no trunks. She's brought nothing with her.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: She is already in Hogwarts. No, wait!
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: She is wearing Gryffindor robes right now! [cackles]
Kim: Huh? I dunno what you're talking about Sequoia, everything is normal here.
Sequoia: Wait a second! Wait a second! [laughs]
Kim: This is Denise Golding. She’s in Slytherin.
Sequoia: She was trying to manifest her… her… her Gryffindor house and it just didn't happen.
Kim: Yeah, it just didn't pan out.
Sequoia: Just didn't pan out for her.
Kim: I mean, her robes don't look exact… I think they… the… I think it's canon that the uniforms changed over time.
Sequoia: Yeah, but the house colors don't change. [chuckles]
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Ah, yes. Red and gold, the Slytherin colors.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione, feeling like she could throw up, followed Dippet reluctantly. A tall girl with black hair passed by. "Potter!" barked Dippet. "C'mere!"
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: The girl… what?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The girl came over. "Hmmm?" "Maura, please escort our new student to the Slytherin house." "A’ight." [Sequoia laughs] Hermione followed Maura.
Both: Maura Potter.
Kim: Maura Potter.
Sequoia: Maura Potter. This is…
Kim: Maura Potter.
Sequoia: This is escalating quickly. We're just going.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: We're just hitting it. We're just hitting it.
Kim: We're going somewhere. [Sequoia laughs] "What's your name?" asked Maura. "Herm… Denise, er, Golding," she said.
Sequoia: If this was me in this scenario, I would have already forgotten the name that I had been told earlier.
Kim: Oh, yes, that's gone.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That name is gone.
Sequoia: I'd be like, um, you know, my name…
Kim: My name is Linoleum, uh…
Sequoia: Linoleum.
Kim: Tablecloth!
Sequoia: People call me Nolie for short.
Kim: [laughs] Not Lin?!
Sequoia: No, that's too… that's too… that’s too easy. [both laugh] It's like Mione, it has to be the end of the name. [laughs]
Kim: Herm! Maura laughed. "I'm Maura Potter. Hogwarts is really cool. You'll like it. You'll feel right at home in Slytherin. My brother, Samuel, is in Gryffindor.”
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: “Couldn't be more different, huh?"
Sequoia: When are they?
Kim: Whenever! Armando Dippet is Headmaster. That's your…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That's… that's the clue.
Sequoia: So that’s… I mean, he took her back to his original opening of the Chamber of Secrets.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Hypothetically.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Ginny… Ginny sent her back to get… back in time to get killed by the basilisk.
Sequoia: Right. So how… oh, nope.
Kim: This is Harry's…
Sequoia: Harry's grandmother? I'm trying to figure out, like, literally how that works generationally.
Kim: Don't worry about the numbers. I don't… I don't think we knew the numbers at this point in time, though, so it’s like…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No, we did. We did.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: We knew that the Chamber had been opened like fifty years ago. Yeah, we did.
Sequoia: Oh, we did.
Kim: We knew.
Sequoia: We did know.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, they could be his grandparents.
Sequoia: Actually… [laughs]
Kim: You know what, Sam is Harry’s granddad. We can… we know how numbers work! [Sequoia laughs] Whoo.
Sequoia: Am I gonna keep that all in?
Kim: Good thing that whole segment’s gonna get cut. [both laugh] “Couldn't be more different, huh?" says Maura about her brother. "Yeah," said Hermione. "Two different worlds."
Sequoia: [waveringly] Yuuuuhhhhh.
Kim: Don’t look at me. Don't look at how I'm wearing Gryffindor robes. [both chuckle] Maura went up to a painting of two serpents. "Parselmouth," she said. The painting opened up.
Sequoia: Too easy.
Kim: Hermione brought her bags? in with difficulty?
Sequoia: Her bags?
Kim: I don't know why she has bags!
Sequoia: Wait a second!
Kim: I dunno why she has bags. She has bags.
Sequoia: Okay. So Tom…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …as Ginny…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …has sent her back in time.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Just, like, sort of crossing his fingers that past him…
Kim: Will murder her.
Sequoia: …will murder her with the basilisk.
Kim: Will take one look at Hermione and be like, oh, god, no. [Sequoia laughs] Absolutely not.
Sequoia: Yeah. And… and in order for that to happen, for that all to go smoothly, she has to blend in.
Kim: Yeah, I don't…
Sequoia: So she's…
Kim: She’s got…
Sequoia: So she has bags?
Kim: She’s got bags!
Sequoia: Maybe she's not wearing Gryffindor robes.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe she's wearing regular clothes. She's got bags…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …with her. Her…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She… she didn't realize, but she is wearing a name tag that says Denise Golding. [both chuckle]
Kim: That's the signal to past Tom.
Sequoia: Right. Right, right, right.
Kim: [laughing] To murder this person.
Sequoia: It's… it's permanent sticking, it doesn't come off.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione brought her bags in with difficulty. One of them landed on a kid who looked to be about fifteen. "Oh, sorry!" exclaimed Hermione. [silly, high pitched voice, used for Tom throughout] "Need some help?" he asked. [Sequoia belly laughs] "That would be nice," Hermione replied thankfully. "So you're the new fifth year?" he asked. "My year too." "I'm a sec… I mean, yes, of course," she said. Twelve year old, I'm fifteen!
Sequoia: I’m fifteen! [laughs]
Kim: Probably?
Sequoia: Sure, sure. I also like to think that she's just, like, swinging around her bags haphazardly. Just, like, fucking smacked Tom in the face with one. Like, how did that even happen? She’s just like, chucking her bags wherever.
Kim: She’s like, oh god, I can’t… I can’t… It was just stuck on the… gah!
Sequoia: Is this a meet cute? No, hate it. Continue.
Kim: [snorts] "I'm Tom Riddle, and you are?" "Denise Golding. Well, this is Slytherin, huh?" [Sequoia snorts] This is some really good small talk.
Sequoia: Just, like, very good at small talk. [both chuckle]
Kim: That’s a fact about Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Very good at small talk.
Sequoia: As we know, as we know.
Kim: "Yes, it's a cozy little place. No one else likes our house." "I know. I mean, I know it's gotten a bad rap," Hermione said.
Sequoia: [laughs] She's doing such a terrible job.
Kim: Yes. [laughs]
Sequoia: She's like, wow, hmm. Slytherins are horrib… I mean, uh, I mean, this is a… well, this is a nice chair you've got here.
Kim: I like how we're under the lake.
Sequoia: I like how…” [laughs]
Kim: It's really humid in here. [both laugh] “Yeah," he said. "Hey, want to come and hang out with some of my friends and me tonight?"
Sequoia: He's being very friendly.
Kim: Yeah, he’s weirdly friendly.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's being super friendly. Can you be my friend?
Kim: You know, he has a lot of followers. At this point in time, pre Goblet of Fire…
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: …it's not so out of the question that he's popular.
Sequoia: That's true. That’s true.
Kim: And nice.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nice is a little out of the question, you know.
Sequoia: Yeah. I wouldn't go as far as nice but, yeah. He might be just trying to recruit. He's just on that… he's on that recruitment train.
Kim: "Sure," said Hermione, eager to make friends, since she had to stay away from the basilisk. She doesn't know Tom Riddle's Voldemort.
Sequoia: Ohh right, she doesn't. Oh, no.
Kim: Yeah. She's in danger now. A passage of time. That night, Hermione met Tom out in the common room. "Okay, these are my friends," said Tom. "Graham Malfoy, Andrew Pettigrew, and Lucky Grudgeon." [both cackle and squeal] Shit! Fuck! Fuck, that’s a great name!
Sequoia: Lucky Grudgeon! [both laugh] He’s here! Oh, wow.
Kim: That’s an excellent name!
Sequoia: What was the Malfoy named?
Kim: Graham.
Sequoia: I like that it was like [monotone] Graham. Andrew. [wildly] And Lucky! [laughs]
Kim: Is that a nickname? Does not say. Is it a dog? [both laugh]
Sequoia: A dog!
Kim: "Er, hi." [whiny drawl] "Is she going to be part of the inner circle?" asked Malfoy. "I dunno," said Tom, cracking a smile. "If she proves herself."
Sequoia: We just met this chick, man.
Kim: Yeah, Malfoy’s right.
Sequoia: You don't just put people in the middle circle.
Kim: Malfoy’s right. He's like, who the fuck is this? We were having a secret evil person meeting. [Sequoia laughs] Please. Please.
Sequoia: Please.
Kim: "Whatever do you mean?" questioned Hermione. "We have an inner circle here," said Tom. "We want to defeat the dark wizard, Grindelwald, because he killed my mum." "Oh," said Hermione. "I'm so sorry." Wassup?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: The dark wizard Grindelwald killed Tom Riddle's mom.
Sequoia: In this timeline.
Kim: In this. Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: This is pre Goblet of Fire!
Sequoia: This is pre Goblet of Fire, so we didn't know anything.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: This is a cool time!
Sequoia: What the fuck, man?
Kim: This is a cool time!
Sequoia: This is…
Kim: There's like… Grindelwald shows up one word once in Sorcerer's Stone.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: This is cool.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, I like it. I like it.
Kim: "The Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Algred Snape, [Sequioa cackles] is teaching me some Dark Arts. I mean, I'd never want to turn bad and all, but it's the only way."
Sequoia: Algred?
Kim: Algred Snape.
Sequoia: Would you spell that for me, please?
Kim: A-L-G-R-E-D. Algred. All-gred.
Sequoia: All Gred!
Kim: Good name. We got Lucky, we got…
Both: …Algred!
Sequoia: And Graham. Andrew.
Kim: [sighs] Denise.
Sequoia: Denise. And Algred! Amazing.
Kim: It’s good.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It was just… okay, so Tom’s just learning…
Sequoia: Tom’s dabbling.
Kim: …one or two. [stammers] He just needs to know…
Sequoia: Dabbling.
Kim: …how they work so he can fight them!
Sequoia: Exactly. Not suspicious. Everything's fine.
Kim: And maybe use them! I mean, just fight them.
Sequoia: Maybe use them.
Kim: Once or twice.
Sequoia: If only… only if necessary.
Kim: On Muggles. What?
Sequoia: What? [laughs]
Kim: "I understand," said Hermione. "My friend, Harr… erm, well, I've got a friend, Harriet, a Muggle, who… you know, her parents are dead."
Sequoia: Oh god, she's so bad at this!
Kim: She’s so bad at this.
Sequoia: She’s so bad.
Kim: You could have just said Harry!
Sequoia: You could’ve said Harry.
Kim: You’re in the past, man!
Sequoia: He doesn't know.
Kim: A super common name.
Sequoia: He doesn't know. [Kim laughs] I know someone whose parents are dead too! [laughs]
Kim: And they're a Muggle! Let's be friends? Slytherins?
Sequoia: That's nothing!
Kim: Oh, Hermione!
Sequoia: You need to… whooft!
Kim: Woof.
Sequoia: Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Kim: "Yeah," said Tom. "I'm going to help people some day. You know, when I become a great wizard, I'm going to call myself Lord… Lord… Marvolo? No. No, no, no. [Sequoia laughs] Lord… Lord… Tom Marvolo?"
Sequoia: Mmmm.
Kim: [laughs] It’s weird that you would call yourself Lord when you’re helping people.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: That’s a weird superhero name?
Sequoia: I mean [Kim laughs] Lord Marvolo’s not bad though.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s… that's all right. I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna say that’s all right.
Kim: Definitely sounds like a villain name.
Sequoia: It does. [laughs] Lord Tom is…
Kim: Lord Tom!
Sequoia: Lord Tame.
Kim: Shit. "What about the old rearrange the letters of your name trick?" asked Pettigrew. "Yeeeees," said Tom.
Sequoia: Yeah! You know, the old… [laughs]
Kim: The old anagram?
Sequoia: As… as we usually do?
Kim: You know when you were a kid, I think anagrams were fun?
Sequoia: Cool? In? [both laugh]
Kim: Ugh, fine, whatever. "Yes," said Tom, grabbing a piece of parchment and a quill. He wrote down his name and looked at the paper for a while, furrowing his brow. Then, suddenly, "I've got it!" he exclaimed.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: "Well, tell, then," said Grudgeon anxiously. [both laugh] Grudgeon. Aw, Grudgeon!
Sequoia: Lucky! [Kim laughs]
Kim: "Lord Voldemort."
Sequoia: Oh, I thought he was gonna say something completely different.
Kim: Oh, like something supid again?
Sequoia: Yeah, mhm.
Kim: And we were gonna go through a few rounds of this? No.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No, we’re… we’re getting somewhere.
Sequoia: We gotta, okay. Okay.
Kim: This story’s not very long.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, okay.
Kim: End of chapter one.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Lord Voldemort has been revealed. Chapter Two! Hermione didn't know what to do.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hermione, you haven’t known what to do this whole damn time.
Kim: Yeah, it's true. All she could think of was to turn and run from the common room. "Wait!" shouted Tom behind her. She ran…
Sequoia: Oh, she did! [laughs]
Kim: She is fucking running. She’s like, fuck! I'm outie!
Sequoia: I… [laughs] I thought she was, like, thinking of booking it.
Kim: I just told Lord Voldemort that I have a Muggle friend. I’m outieeee! [Sequoia laughs] Mmbyeee!
Sequoia: Valid. Valid, honestly.
Kim: She ran down the stairs, gasping for breath. "Miss Golding?" came a sharp voice from behind her. "Yes, Professor Dippet?" "What are you doing out this late? You should be in your common room, getting ready for bed, Denise!"
Sequoia: Denise.
Kim: "I'm terribly sorry, sir. But please, sir, I need to see Professor Dumbledore, the Transfiguration teacher, immediately," said Hermione very quickly. "I'm sure it can wait until the morning, Denise," said Dippet. "No, please!" exclaimed Hermione. "It’s… It's urgent! It's about the Heir of Slytherin!"
Sequoia: She just…
Kim: I have to see Dumbledore, not you, the headmaster. [Sequoia laughs] I’m gonna go see Dumbledore.
Sequoia: Like, man…
Kim: Instead.
Sequoia: …that Denise girl is really weird.
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia laughs] Yes!
Sequoia: I… I…
Kim: She’s been here, like, ten minutes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, she got… she got here kinda early, I wasn’t expecting her, went to the Great Hall.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And she was just, like, rubbing the linoleum.
Kim: She looked, like, twelve. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Twelve year old. Laying on the linoleum. In Gryffindor robes, very strange.
Kim: Weird, strange!
Sequoia: Very strange. [both still laughing]
Kim: "Do you know the cause of these attacks, Denise?" "Yes!" said Hermione. "And I’ll tell you, but I must speak with Professor Dumbledore first!" "Hmm," said Dippet, thinking. "All right. [Sequoia laughs] Go talk with him."
Sequoia: I like how they're accepting… they’re accepting exchange students during a time when attacks…
Kim: During the… [laughs]
Sequoia: Attacks are happening in the… classic fucking Hogwarts, man!
Kim: [singsongy] Hogwarts is the safest place! Come to Hogwarts, today! We've got dead students! [Sequoia laughs] End of list. [Sequoia laughs some more] Hermione turned around and ran into the Transfiguration wing. She ran up the wooden door and knocked hard. A very young Albus Dumbledore opened the door. [suggestively] Yeah, he’s young!
Sequoia: Yeah, is this…
Kim: Young.
Sequoia: Is this Jude Law?
Kim: Young-bledore. Yeah, bud!
Sequoia: Young-bledore! [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid. [high pitched voice, used for Dumbledore throughout] "Denise Golding. Ah, yes, are you having trouble with the homework? I wouldn't have thought you would!"
Sequoia: What? Wait, what?
Kim: Sequoia, what’s happening.
Sequoia: What the fuck? [laughs]
Kim: Sequoia, what is… why does he… what is happening?
Sequoia: Denise already has homework? She's been here for ten minutes!
Kim: Yeah! Tom was like, meet me tonight for a meeting with my friends. So it’s like…
Sequoia: It’s been less than a day.
Kim: It's been less than a day. Why does Dumbledore know her? [laughing] Why does he know she wouldn't have trouble with homework?
Sequoia: Yeah maybe that's why she was admitted, ‘cause she’s like…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …the top student…
Kim: That might be it.
Sequoia: …of America.
Kim: Yeah. He doesn’t recognize her, so she must be the new student. Fine. It's all coming together. [Sequoia laughs] "No, Professor, it's about the Heir of Slytherin!" Hermione exclaimed. "I know who it is!"
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: "Well, come in first," said Dumbledore. "Now, tell me, who would do such an outrageous thing?"
Sequoia: Like, he’s like, come in.
Kim: [quietly] Outrageous.
Sequoia: Have some tea. Here’s a biscuit.
Kim: I'm Dumbledore! "Tom Riddle, sir. It's him. Listen. I'm… I'm from the future.” [Sequoia laughs] Fuck! So good.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m from the future. He did the du… t… t… tim… time… time diddly…
Kim: Fiddly doo!
Sequoia: Fiddly doo spell. [laughs]
Kim: Whoo. “I’m from the future, when there's this… this dark wizard, You Know Who. But I suppose you DON'T know who, because it won't mean anything to you. Okay. Well, he calls himself Lord Voldemort. And he's the most evil wizard ever.”
Sequoia: Ever.
Kim: “The most powerful.” Ever.
Sequoia: Ever. Like five-ever, like ten-ever!
Kim: Hermione’s going somewhere. I’m having a problem. Don't make fun of me. [Sequoia laughs] “And that's who Tom Riddle is destined to be. AND you're the Headmaster of Hogwarts! AND the only one You Know Who's scared of! So you must expel him!" Dumbledore sighed.
Sequoia: But he’s NOT the headmaster right now.
Kim: No he’s not. "My dear, the future, the things you tell me, I do believe. But you can never toy with fate. I would expel Riddle, but you can't change the future.”
Sequoia: You can’t.
Kim: “It's not a thing…” What?
Sequoia: You can’t expel him! [laughs]
Kim: Also I can’t expel him. But that’s secondary. “You can’t change the future. It’s not a thing to consider doing. Things are supposed to be the way they are supposed to be." Hermione sighed, pondering what he had said. "Well, I need a way to get back to my time."
Sequoia: Hokay!
Kim: "Yes, yes.”
Sequoia: All right. Well, I mean, if you say so, we'll just sort of let the next X many years and however many people are gonna die, die.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I’m convinced. But I would like to go back to the future, if you could help me with that one.
Kim: I would like to leave this place now?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This… this time sucks!
Sequoia: [laughs] I’d like to go back to being petrified, missing my exams.
Kim: [singing] Are you petrified?
Sequoia: Of being…
Kim: Of being…
Both: [harmonizing] …petrified!
Kim: Hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Sequoia: Nice, that goes on the playlist now!
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: Hell yeah.
Kim: It's a good one. One of the best ones.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: What? Lost my place entirely, what were we talking about? You can’t change the future, right?
Sequoia: You can’t change the future. Send me back to the future.
Kim: “Yes, yes, most certainly. What is your future name?" "Hermione Granger," she said. "Okay,” he said, getting a bit of parchment and a quill. "Write it on this, along with your birthdate, and the date when you came here."
Sequoia: She doesn’t know! She’s been laying in the hospital wing conscious but unable to move.
Kim: It could be the date that it… she's been counting the dates, she knows.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: She knows what day it is.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: ‘Cause she needs to know what homework and what exams she’s missing.
Sequoia: Right. [both laugh] Valid.
Kim: Hermione followed Dumbledore's instructions. Then Dumbledore went up to a medicine cabinet and pulled a bottle of vinegar and placed the piece of paper inside. "Goodbye, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore, and threw the bottle to the floor.
Sequoia: Hachaw! Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: This is some weird magic we’re doing.
Sequoia: Just, like, poofs into smoke and then the smoke clears and she’s gone.
Kim: The… this bottle of vinegar.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: "Whoa!" shrieked Hermione. [Sequoia laughs] Maybe it was more of like, a…
Both: [surfer voices] Woaaahh!
Kim: Woah, dude.
Sequoia: Woah, man.
Kim: Shrieked Hermione, feeling her head being jerked, and feeling herself crash to the hospital bed. Madam Pomfrey came over. "Here's your mandrake juice," she said, giving it to Hermione. Hermione sat up. "I… It's 1992?" she questioned. "Very good," said Madam Pomfrey.
Sequoia: [cutesy voice] Oh, that’s so good you know what year it is! So good.
Kim: It’s actually not 1992 at this point, probably.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: It’s probably 1993.
Sequoia: Ah, whatever.
Kim: But. Very good! "I'm happy. Some people are so shocked after being petrified. Well, you can go down to the feast. You Know Who has been caught as the Heir of Slytherin by Mr. Potter." "Oh, he DID do it right then?" replied Hermione. [both guffaw]
Kim: Roasted!
Sequoia: Got ‘em! [laughs]
Kim: Gotta get Harry in this. Gotta burn Harry.
Sequoia: Oh, that's good.
Kim: Hermione ran into the feast, running up to Harry, yelling, "You solved it! You solved it!" "Yeah, I guess," said Harry. "But I never would have without finding that piece of paper you were holding." "I'm glad you got justice. I'm glad someone didn't die this time. Dumbledore was right. You can't change the future." The end.
Sequoia: Oh wow! That was so good!
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Thank you so much, Sam, for sending this to me.
Sequoia: Whoa!
Kim: This story was incredible.
Sequoia: Whaaat? Because I didn't start reading the books until after the fourth one had come out…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …I…
Kim: Yup, same.
Sequoia: I don't… I was like, oh I guess there was a time when you just, like, didn't know this stuff.
Kim: This is a weird time period. I…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: There's so little fanfiction that’s survived from this era, and it’s all… this is a weird time period that I have no idea what it was like.
Sequoia: Yeah, no idea. No clue. Wow.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: All my predictions were wrong.
Kim: Oh yeah, bud.
Sequoia: But I really would like whatever it was that I predicted.
Kim: Sounded like a Doctor Who episode.
Sequoia: It was… well, you said time rift and…
Kim: [singing the Doctor Who theme song] Bew bew bewwww! Bewww bew bewwww!
Sequoia: I’m wearing my Doctor Who sweater, and I just…
Kim: You are wearing your Doctor Who sweater. [Sequoia sighs] The title was very Doctor Whoey, I agree.
Sequoia: It was. It was.
Kim: So let’s do a segment?
Sequoia: Yeah, let’s do a segment.
Kim: [to the tune of The Trolley Song from Meet Me in St. Louis] Bang, bang, bang on the door. OC! [both laugh] How's that? How’s that for an intro? Yeah, that work?
Sequoia: This is the one that doesn't have an intro yet. I liked that!
Kim: That was good?
Sequoia: I liked that. [laughs] That was very good. Whoo, okay, now I gotta bring myself together.
Kim: This is a segment… this is a segment… whatever this segment is called, we don't have a name for it.
Sequoia: We don't.
Kim: Whatever. We know how to do podcasts. [Sequoia laughs] Where our dear listeners send us some info about their original characters. If you wanna send one in to us, you can send ‘em in to our email. What did we get today, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Our OC today comes from Tulevy. And the OC’s name is…
Kim: The name is always an exciting part for me.
Sequoia: …Koldobika Kaira Alder.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: She was fifteen or sixteen years old, and had an elaborate backstory.
Kim: Of course she did!
Sequoia: And I’m so… this is so good.
Kim: Is she…? Okay, so her name’s like Coldovika, right?
Sequoia: Koldobika.
Kim: Koldobika. Is she an elementalist? Does she shoot cold beams? [Sequoia laughs] Pewewew!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Dang!
Sequoia: So she is the daughter of a Death Eater who was sentenced to life in Azkaban.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And the Death Eater gave birth to her in Azkaban.
Kim: Ohh noo.
Sequoia: And as a baby she was kept there, so she grew up…
Kim: Fuck! Fuck!
Sequoia: …in Azkaban, because…
Kim: That’s the worst thing! Don’t… what?
Sequoia: Because of a prophecy.
Kim: Nooo.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes-uh!
Kim: Wait, they left her in Azkaban ‘cause there was a prophecy?
Sequoia: So there’s a prophecy.
Kim: Who’s they? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Who knows, really? There’s a prophecy about a kid being born in jail and possessing a great power.
Kim: Okay. You don't have to leave it there! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I… yeah, I dunno. [laughs] I dunno why the kid remains in Azkaban, but it's great. And the kid gets to decide basically which side will win this great war.
Kim: [laughing] Psh. Awesome.
Sequoia: And so… oh, okay, no, there's an explanation. Fudge is the Minister of Magic…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and he’s scared of the prophecy, so he decides to keep the kid locked up.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: So she can’t choose the dark side.
Kim: I think leaving her in with the dementors is like a…
Sequoia: It’s the worst idea?
Kim: …one hundred percent guarantee that she’ll choose the dark side.
Sequoia: So she grows up in Azkaban…
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: …with some random Azkaban inmate. Not her… her mother or…
Kim: They take her…
Sequoia: …whomever gave birth to her.
Kim: They take her away from the person who gave birth to her.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And gave her to a different Death Eater, still in Azkaban.
Sequoia: Well, some random inmate.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: I mean, it doesn’t have to be a Death Eater. It’s just like anyone.
Kim: Yeah, I guess they just throw regular people in there without trials all the fucking time!
Sequoia: All the time! [laughs]
Kim: God.
Sequoia: So this person’s in prison there for some petty crime.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: So I guess they, like, gave the baby to like the… the most acceptable inmate, or something? And so this… this inmate raises her and teaches her theoretical magic, right, because she… she doesn’t have a wand or anything.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And so this way she doesn’t become an obscurial. But she does have that kind of, like, uncontrollable wandless magic.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Which is hypothetically the great power from the prophecy. [both sputter] So when she’s like fifteen or sixteen years old…
Kim: Any… any wizard can do wandless magic, they just choose not to. The man’s keeping them down! What?
Sequoia: The man is… [laughs] eat the wizards. So at fifteen or sixteen years old there’s a big jail break, and she and the inmate that she’s with escape…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …Azkaban.
Kim: Right, the big Azkaban jail break.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: That happened in the books.
Sequoia: And this… so this is, like, right after Sirius runs away from home.
Kim: Ohh!
Sequoia: This is older.
Kim: Ohhkay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha.
Sequoia: And they end up in the Black household.
Kim: All of the runaway Death Eaters?
Sequoia: A bunch of them.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And the Aurors find them there. The Aurors find them there, and they kill, like, her… her dad inmate who has raised her.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And they prepare to take her back to Azkaban, for whatever reason, and then Walburga recognizes that there's a loophole in the law. And…
Kim: Well I mean they… she wasn’t imprisoned for any crime.
Sequoia: She wasn’t imprisoned, so I don’t know if there’s like… [laughs]
Kim: The loophole is that she didn’t do a crime and you have to let her out of prison.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: What are you doing?
Sequoia: So Walburga adopts her. So, if you… if you adopt her, then they can’t take her back. So Walburga adopts her and starts training her as a weapon for Voldemort.
Kim: Okay. That’s the worst outcome.
Sequoia: And she's… [laughing] yeah, exactly. Like, what is… and she’s…
Kim: I dunno if there's a worse possible choice than that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Walburga doesn't like her and doesn't treat her well, but wants to make her a great fighter for Voldemort and also very ladylike so she can bring honor to the Black family household. [Kim giggles] And so then school starts and she decides to send this OC to Hogwarts to spy on Dumbledore and Order of the Phoenix and, like, whatever’s going on at Hogwarts that she can spy on.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: But she gets sorted into Gryffindor.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: And so she decides to start being rebellious, and to not be ladylike, and she cuts her long black curly hair and starts wearing mini skirts, and fishnet stockings, and spiked collars, and red lipstick.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: And she hates everyone.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: And is very sassy.
Kim: Sure. [laughs]
Sequoia: And she doesn’t want to pick a side in the war because everyone treated her like garbage.
Kim: Yeah, that checks. That tracks.
Sequoia: And then… right? She… and then she befriends the Marauders and Lily.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And they are like her friends and looking after her, but like, also like, she’s trying to figure out what’s going on with the Ministry and the war and blah blah blah.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And… but… so here's the thing. She’s like really, really hot. [Kim laughs] Like really hot.
Kim: That… that kinda goes without saying. [Sequoia laughs] Come on. We all knew it.
Sequoia: It does. We did know. So everyone falls in love with her.
Kim: Everyone?
Sequoia: Everyone.
Kim: Everyone.
Sequoia: And so Lucius…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …who is there…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …decides to try to seduce her and bring her back to the dark side.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And Lucius is also trying to seduce Sirius for some reason.
Kim: Nice! To bring him back to the dark side.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Duh!
Sequoia: Bring him back to the dark side.
Kim: Duh!
Sequoia: It doesn’t work out. Christmas break, the OC runs away from the Black family, just as Sirius had done before.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: And then Andromeda Tonks adopts her to keep her from going back to jail, because, as we need to remember, she needs to remain adopted by literally anyone to stay out of prison. [laughs] And of course eventually this OC falls in love with Sirius Black because…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …it’s fine.
Kim: That’s the obvious choice.
Sequoia: It’s the obvious choice. And because of their love, she does pick a side in the war, and with her emotion based obscurial magic that she has learned to control…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …because of the emotional support of her new friends…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …she is able to defeat Voldemort, and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.
Kim: Oh it’s an everyone lives AU? [gasps]
Sequoia: Everyone lives!
Kim: Yay!
Sequoia: Everybody lives!
Kim: I love an everyone lives.
Sequoia: Thanks so much to Kol… kol… Koldobika Kaira Alder Black Tonks.
Kim: [snorts] Alder Black Tonks.
Sequoia: Alder Black Tonks. Whoo! And that is our OC for this segment.
Kim: That was a good one.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: I’m recommending another Christmas story.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes!
Kim: This one is called O Lucky Man. It’s kinda… I guess it’s not exactly a Christmas story, it’s a Yule Ball story.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Which is Christmassy, I suppose.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s in the Christmas time.
Kim: This is a Marauders era Yule Ball.
Sequoia: Hmmm. Hmm.
Kim: And it is Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Nice! [laughs]
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Soooo…
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: The link to that will be in the description of this episode, and also on our website.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our story submission form. Today that story today that Kim read to us was submitted! By a listener! Just like you! So you can submit stories too!
Kim: On our website. Fanaticalfics.com. Also on our website, there are links to our merch!
Sequoia: You can get Yes!! Glitter!!! on the website.
Kim: You can get Yes!! Glitter!!! on the website.
Sequoia: You can get a Rose Willow Black READ bookmark on the website.
Kim: Yes. But if you don’t want to order the things that are on the website, you can look at our TeePublic, which has other things.
Sequoia: You can get a hold for the text please something. You can get a… you can get a forgive me canon for they have shipped… for I have shipped something.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Also, you know, tweet at us. As we always say, tweet at us.
Kim: Tweet at us.
Sequoia: Instagram us.
Kim: Tweet at us. Tweet at us.
Sequoia: Tweet at us. We are on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Our email, for longer thoughts, or all of the various things that we demand from you, including mp3 recordings of your summarieeesss…
Sequoia: Summarieeesss!
Kim: If you don’t feel like calling us, email those to us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you like this podcast and you want to help out this podcast, there are a few ways that you can do that. First thing first, leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. On Facebook. On… sharpie it on a bathroom stall wall.
Kim: Trick…
Both: …everyone 2021! Woo!
Kim: We did it.
Sequoia: We’re here, we made it. We made it!
Kim: We did it. I made it this entire episode without talking once about how I cursed last year.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Until this moment.
Sequoia: I was really… [laughs] yeah, I was really hoping we wouldn’t curse this year, so…
Kim: Yeah, so we haven’t talked at all about how it’s the new year, but it is, it’s the new year. The trick everyone campaign continues.
Both: Trick everyone. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Another way you can support this podcast is by joining our super fuckin’ weird Patreon.
Sequoia: Woot woot!
Kim: We’ve got all kinds of weird shit happening there. One of the things that happens, though, is that after a few months at certain tiers, you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Sequoia's gonna do right now.
Sequoia: The plan was very simple, or at least Draco thought it was. So simple that even Greg could follow along. The restaurant would be completely empty when Ronald arrived. Greg would be disguised as the host and would lead Ron to the designated table. Harry would be disguised as their waiter and slip the ring into Ron’s champagne glass. [Kim snorts] Hermione would play a beautiful song on the cello. Ron would say yes with tears in his eyes. Neville would pop out from behind some strategically placed foliage and snap photos of the best moment of Draco’s life.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: But, of course, Greg couldn’t remember which table it was, Neville knocked over the plants, and then Harry put the ring in the wrong glass, and it turns out Hermione’s not very good at the cello. Will Draco be able to salvage this disaster of a proposal?
Kim: [dramatically] Will he? [laughs]
Sequoia: I dunno, will he?
Kim: Thanks to CeeCee, Karen Shelton, Phoebe Kempe, Miriam W., Allah Abdallah, Sabrina, and Chloe Jane Benêt. Your support means so much to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for our theme song. It is their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Both: [wildly] Byeeeeeee!