Episode 93: The Third Christmas Special: A Creamed Corn Christmas/Santa Claws (Feat. Colin)
Kim: Last Christmas, I saved- I read you fanfic and the very same ep. You said, "Thanks. I hate it." [Sequoia laughs] This year to save me from tears. [Colin chuckles] I brought you all something special. [all three laugh]
Sequoia: Is the Last Christmas bit good? [Colin and Kim laugh]
Kim: What? [all three laughing]
Colin: I can't tell.
Theme Song (“Wolfstar” by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)
Sequoia: Hello! I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I'm Kim.
Colin: And I'm Colin!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them! It's [singing] Christmas!
Colin: Ho, ho, ho!
Kim: Ding ding ding ding, ding, dinga, ding. Here we are.
Colin: [Imitating chiming bells] Ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling. [Sequoia and Kim laughing] Reindeer sounds, reindeer sounds on the roof. Patter patter patter, patter patter.
Sequoia: It is our traditional Christmas with Colin!
Colin: That's right. Just like fruitcake and weird pudding. I am here [Sequoia laughs] on your Christmas. [Kim snorts in amusement]
Kim: Colin, we've missed you here in the recording side, but I don't think we've missed you quite as much as our listeners have. [Sequoia groans] We haven't had enough of you this year.
Colin: Really?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: It's so nice to be loved by them. I even get messages from them occasionally.
Kim: Aww.
Colin: They make their way to me through my various woodland creatures. So, just thank you for the well, okay... It comes through my other podcast people wondering where we are. [Kim and Sequoia chuckle] So I [chuckling] want to say, any of you listening, we're all fine. We're just taking a break, [Kim and Sequoia laugh] I promise we're fine. Thank you for your kind words, though. Thank you.
Sequoia: So we have a couple of announcements. Well, we have one announcement and a couple of social media shoutings to do.
Kim: Ooh, we do have one announcement!
Sequoia: We do have one announcement. [Kim giggling gleefully] Today is Monday, the 21st.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And on Wednesday, the 23rd, you get an episode of But Make It Scary as you do every other Wednesday. But this is a very special Wednesday because not only is it the Christmas episode of Make It Scary, it is featuring Kim!
Kim: Me! Me! Me! I get to be the Christmas guest. [Colin and Sequoia chuckling] It's me! I'm the Christmas baby!
Colin: [slightly posh] You're the Christmas goose!
Kim: I'm so excited.
Sequoia: Yeah. So make sure to check that out. We are doing The Holiday.
Kim: Yeah, we are.
Sequoia: And I think you're all going to like it a lot.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: So you keep that on your calendar. Social media shout outs.
All: [Mouth airhorn sounds]
Sequoia: I got, we got, but I mean, I got a message on Instagram requesting a specific geographical location for shouting out.
Kim: What? Don't. [Colin chuckling] Please, please listeners. Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: What? They like it.
Kim: Ugh!
Colin: I like it. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Colin likes it.
Kim: Fine!
Colin: I like it. I like knowing how many countries are listening. Hello world! [Sequoia and Kim chuckle] It's like a little UN of weirdos. [all laugh]
Sequoia: That is exactly what it's like.
Kim: Alright, who's joining our Fanfic Security Council this week?
Colin: [chuckling] Who are we sanctioning this week?
Sequoia: [singing] France! Tweet at us! [Kim giggling]
Kim: Tweet at us from France, fine.
Sequoia: Tweet at us from France!
Kim: Tell us about your local-.
Sequoia: Fun facts.
Kim: French fun facts. French fun facts, got to get the alliteration in there.
Sequoia: French fun facts.
Colin: French fun facts.
Kim: If you are also in a country that starts with F so that you have an alliterative fun fact, please tweet at us as well. [Sequoia laughs] Finland. [stuttering, trying to think of another country].
Colin: [chuckling] End of list.
Sequoia: Is that- [bursts out laughing]
Kim: Shit.
Colin: No, hold on. There's got to be another one.
Sequoia: There's got to be another F country. Is there not another F country?
Colin: Faroe Islands.
Kim: Falkland Islands. Yeah, that's good.
Colin: Falkland I-No, well. [Hums]
Kim: Is that a country?
Colin: No, I said Faroe Islands, which is a country, I think.
Kim: Oh, okay. I said something that's not...
Colin: Or maybe I didn't.
Sequoia: [In the background, trying to reign them in] Well if your country- [breaks off laughing].
Sequoia: Maybe it's a crown dependency, anyway. This is riveting.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: This is good. This is riveting. I did actually want to say one more thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I did want to say one more thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I just wanted to give a shout out here this Christmas to all of our amazing patrons on Patreon and all of the intensely weird stuff they're doing [Kim snorts] that is just, like, so beautiful and wonderful and what a fun community we have over there. They put on a reading of [chuckles with Kim]
Kim: They certainly did.
Sequoia: One of them wrote Mamma Mia. Rewrote it, but as if it were Harry Potter characters.
Kim: [breathily] Yes.
Sequoia: And then they did a reading of it on Discord.
Kim: Yes they did.
Sequoia: Where they all played different characters. And it was so beautiful and wonderful, and I loved it and I love them all. And I just wanted to shout them out because that was such a cool, fun thing they did. And then they were like, "We're so happy we could entertain you for once, for a couple of hours." [laughs fondly]
Kim: It was really sweet. Yeah.
Colin: That's so sweet.
Kim: Cute, did a lot of singing out loud to Abba. Off-mic obviously.
Sequoia: Yeah, dancing, I was dancing in my kitchen. It was fun
Kim: I'm going to do a Christmas shout out.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This year's been hard. Thank you for spending it with us. Merry Christmas listener.
Sequoia: Happy holidays.
Colin: [softly, to be more child-like] God bless us everyone!
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! [laughing].
Kim: [cackles] Yeah. Let's do some fanfiction. Am I going first or are you going first?
Sequoia: Let's have you go first.
Kim: Alright. I got a fanfiction for us today.
Sequoia: And we're going to do some predictions. We're going to make three predictions based off of three clues we are given about the fanfiction. If you want to make predictions as well, tweet them at us. Hashtag fanfic divination or answer our question on our Instagram story. If you're a patron, make sure to put yours in Discord as well to get them's house points.
Kim: You ready?
Sequoia: Nope!
Kim: Here are your three clues. Clue number one is the title. [trails off into chuckling]
Sequoia: Oh, no. [Colin chuckles]
Kim: The title is A Creamed Corn Christmas. [frustrated Sequoia noises]
Colin: Hmm. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Okay. Okay.
Kim: Clue number two: the genre is humor. And clue number three: this came out between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix. [Sequoia laughing]
Sequoia: Fucking fuck, fucking fuck. Okay.
Kim: You want me to hit you with that title again? Creamed [Sequoia laughing] Corn Christmas.
Colin: Loving the alliteration.
Sequoia: Ooh.
Colin: I'm so bad at these. I considered just writing them beforehand, [Kim laughs] like looking at a bunch of Twitter predictions and then just choosing my favorite coming up with them. Unfortunately, I was not smart enough to do that. So. But Creamed Corn Christmas is really Kringle-ing my- I'm going to stop right there. [Sequoia laughing] It's really- oh! It's really Kris-ing my Kringle.
Kim: There you go.
Colin: Found it, found it, found it. So my first guess is that there is going to be a spell or another magical device or a magical something that causes canned creamed corn to proliferate endlessly.
Kim: Ooh. Like Tribbles.
Colin: Just stacking up, filling the dining hall. And second prediction that it will include major appearances from house elves. Is that?
Kim: Cool. Yup.
Colin: Can I do that? Major appearances from the house elves and third prediction, it will include... A main character will be a new, a new- what's the word I'm looking for?
Kim: An OC? [Sequoia giggling] An original character?
Colin: An original character. Yes.
Kim: Alright. Yeah, I like that.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. This... this is fucking [singing] nothing! So, here we go.
Kim: It's something.
Sequoia: Is it something?
Kim: Oh, it is certainly something.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Creamed corn is what it is. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: I am guessing that this will feature Ron attempting to impress Hermione in some form, some way.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I'm guessing that a can of creamed corn will arrive to Harry as a present from the Dursleys.
Kim: Oh no! [Colin and Sequoia chuckling] At least they remembered Christmas, I guess. Yikes.
Sequoia: And my third prediction is that Dumbledore decides that it is going to be a creamed corn Christmas. [trails off into soft laughter]
Kim: [Cracking up with Colin] I don't know what that means.
Sequoia: He announces it is going to be a creamed corn Christmas.
Colin: It's going to be a corn ex machina at the end [Kim and Sequoia laughing] Dumbledore is going to wrap it all up nicely with the corn.
Kim: Alright.
Sequoia: That's it. That's all I got.
Kim: Whatever, you tried. Nice work.
Sequoia: Did I? [laughs]
Kim: No. So let's get into this, then, my friends.
Colin: Let's do it.
Kim: A Creamed Corn Christmas. "AAUGH!" [Colin and Sequoia chuckling] A scream of horror echoed around the Gryffindor common room as Sirius Black stumbled in. [Sequoia gasps]
Sequoia: Damn it!
Kim: "Sirius, what's wrong?" James Potter asked. Sirius's eyes were wide with horror and he seemed to be having trouble speaking. [Sequoia chuckles]
[In a jock voice] "The... The Slytherins..."
"What about the Slytherins?" James asked, very worried now. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] He had thought nothing could ever scare Sirius Black. [other two still chuckling] Look, I brought you all marauders. Everybody loves marauders.
Sequoia: I know, I'm so mad. [Kim cackles proudly]
Colin: Right, I should have... I should have... Coming from you, I should have guessed.
Kim: I got in too much trouble last year for my cursed pairing or whatever. [all three laugh] Sirius cleared his throat, swallowed hard and whispered, "Snape's gang is staying for Christmas this year."
[horrified, near scandalized] "No!"
Colin: I love Snape's gang. I am living [other two laugh] for Snape's gang.
Kim: Honestly...
Colin: Do they have jackets? Tell me everything about them.
Kim: Yes, they have jackets, they say... Tunnel Snakes. Nope. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: They do, they say Tunnel Snakes.
Kim: They do say Tunnel Snakes actually, yeah.
Colin and Kim: Tunnel Snakes rule.
Colin: [old man voice] You'll get that joke in 40 years. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Is that what young Snape sounds like to me? Sorry, guys. [other two laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, I like how totally frightened they are by this concept. Like...
Kim: Look! Snape ruins Christmas. [Colin hums, understanding] Fact. [Sequoia laughs] Just by existing.
Sequoia: Well, can't they just go play some pranks, some Christmassy pranks on him, though? Get a...
Colin: Yeah?
Sequoia: Nope, I got no questions here actually. [laughs]
Colin: Tell us a magical, tell me a magical Christmassy prank, right right this instant. [Kim snickers amusedly] Do it right now.
Sequoia: You're going to charm a... Piece of mistletoe.
Colin: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: To be permanently affixed to his nose.
Colin: That, okay. That would happen in a fan fiction. Yes, yes.
Kim: Yeah, that was fine.
Colin: I would have also accepted a Christmas cracker that explodes and it's fart dust everywhere. Although I guess you could do that [Sequoia laughs] without magic.
Kim: Ooh! That's a good one.
Sequoia: Oh, that's better!
Kim: That's very good.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I love the concept. These marauders fics that are set before we got Order of the Phoenix and it complicated everything or whatever. [Colin chuckles] I love these marauders fics where it's kind of like pranksters v pranksters kind of thing.
Sequoia: Oh okay.
Kim: And Snape's like an opposing force against them.
Sequoia: Right, right. Snape's gang.
Colin: Before it got serious and sad. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. At a point where, like, maybe you thought that Snape had friends.
Colin and Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: As a child.
Kim: Clearly didn't.
Colin: Yeah, when you thought maybe he wasn't always the horrible way he is, but, nope. Oops, all horrible. [other two laugh]
Kim: "Snape's gang is staying for Christmas this year."
"No!" James yelped in fear. Peter squeaked and toppled out of his chair, and Remus jumped, blotting his homework.
[slightly higher pitched, meekly] "A whole two weeks of being alone in the castle with Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle?" [Sequoia laughs] Peter whispered from the floor. "That's hell on Earth." Is that who you would have guessed was in Snape's gang?
Sequoia: No. [laughs with Kim].
Kim: We had a limited cast of characters that we could have drawn from at this point in Canon. Who else could it have been?
Colin: Yeah, they're the named older generations Slytherins, so...
Sequoia: Yeah, I kind of thought that maybe they'd just make up a bunch of people.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Colin: You'd hope.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: That would have been good too. No, I...
Colin: Snape's best friend, Steven. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Steve.
Kim: And Doug.
Colin: [chuckling] And Doug.
Sequoia: Brett.
Colin: [between laughter] And Brett.
Kim: Steven, Doug, and Brett. This is good. [all three chuckling] Good crew. [Sequoia snorts, making everyone laugh even harder] Oh my goodness, the idea of Snape leading a gang with Lucius Malfoy in it is ludicrous though. [other two laugh]
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, at any point in this series, it's ludicrous.
Kim: Even at this point.
Colin: It's awesome.
Kim: I love it.
Colin: Snape's just leaning up against a column with a toothpick [Kim and Sequoia laughing throughout] in his mouth and he's like, flipping a quarter. Looks like you've stumbled into the wrong hallway, Potter.
Kim: Oh, yes.
Sequoia: Love it.
Kim: That is certainly it. Also, I love any Marauders fic where Peter is present. Love that.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. He's there, they said his name.
Kim: He's a member of the gang. Don't just write him out. Although that is funny too. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: I accept both ways honestly.
Kim: Peter is sick. Peter is visiting his aunt. [all three laugh] Peter's asleep.
Kim: "I know," moaned Sirius. "I'm not leaving this tower until January."
Remus sighed. [slowly, calmly, slightly lower pitched] "Look, you prats, we're stuck here with Snape's gang, but think reasonably- we can avoid them in this enormous castle most of the time. [Sequoia chuckles] We'll only have to see them at meals."
Sequoia: It's bad enough. They could do a whole lot of shit at meals, man.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: A lot of pranks.
Kim: Come on, Remus. What if...
Colin: That's the best time for pranks. [all three giggle]
Kim: What if, uh, you know, dinner and whatever. A show.
Sequoia: Dinner and a show.
Kim: "Looking at them might put me off my food," James grumbled, sitting back down in his chair. Remus gave them a Patented Scary Werewolf Glare. [Sequoia cracks up laughing]
Colin: Yes, also loving it.
Kim: Werewolf time, grr.
Colin: The moon shown in his eyes.
Sequoia: Does he make the face and then just go "TM, TM, TM, TM. TM." [Colin and Sequoia chuckle]
Kim: I don't know, does he? [all three chuckle] But Sirius was not so easily convinced. "But, but, but Remus, I'll have to eat Christmas dinner right within view of that greasy haired git, Snape." [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: I really can't tell, like, who's in charge... You know, like, I can't tell if Snape's gang is scary or if they just don't like them.
Colin: Are disgusting [Sequoia laughs] or just really boring. Like, "If Snape talks to me about World War Two submarines [Kim and Sequoia laugh] for any length of time ever again, I'm going to lose it."
Sequoia: Yeah. I don't know where they stand. [Kim chuckles]
Kim: The werewolf raised an eyebrow at his friend. [tiredly] "You eat in the same room with him every day. [Sequoia and Colin giggle] What's so different about it?"
"I usually have a wall of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the way," Sirius grumbled.
Sequoia: Well, you know, eat on the other... Sit on the other side of the table.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Facing the wall.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Look at the wall.
Kim: Huh? [Colin and Sequoia start laughing]
Sequoia: Instead.
Kim: No! He has to sit positioned so that he can watch Snape at all times [Colin chuckles] so that Snape can't get up to any mischief. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Peter looked as uncertain as James and Sirius. "This is going to be the worst Christmas ever."
Sequoia: What? What are they usually doing during Christmas [Colin laughs] that is so hampered by Snape's existence?
Kim: They're not looking at Snape! [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I was gonna say, don't most of these people have families who love them? Or are they just staying for Sirius?
Kim: They wanted to stay at Hogwarts and cause trouble.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: And they can't cause trouble when the ultimate prankster troublemakers Snape's gang are also in town.
Colin: They already caused all the trouble! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Oh man. All the marquees have been switched to say naughty words. [Other two start laughing even harder] It's all done.
Sequoia: [choking out between laughter] It's all done.
Kim: Oh no. Honestly, actually, usually in Marauders fics where the Marauders are staying for Christmas, it's because, you know, werewolf time is happening over the holidays.
Colin: Oh, werewolf time.
Sequoia: Right, werewolf time.
Kim: And so they stay for Remus because they're good friends.
Colin: Okay. Well, that's good. I thought it was cause Sirius's family had disowned him.
Kim: Also that!
Colin: At this point. Yeah, okay. So I was just mistaken, when I said these people have families [Sequoia laughs] that love them.
Kim: I don't know if we actually know that at this point.
Colin: Okay. We're fine.
Kim: What? A passage of time. We actually get tildas mixed with asterisks in this story, which is just...
Sequoia: [gasping] Nice.
Colin: [breathily] Oh, love it.
Kim: Chef's kiss.
Sequoia: Yeah, chef's kiss.
Kim: To their surprise, the Marauders found it quite easy to avoid Snape's gang. Remus began wearing an I-told-you-so look that irritated the other Marauders to no end.
Sequoia: Is that also patented?
Kim: TM, TM, TM.
Sequoia: TM, TM, [Colin chuckles] TM, TM, TM.
Kim: Patented Werewolf I-told-you-so look. [other two chuckle] Remus, every look you make is a werewolf look, what are you talking about anyway? [Sequoia laughs] But even stranger Snape and his gang didn't even say anything rude to the Marauders at meal times, a fact even Remus couldn't explain.
Sequoia: I bet they were also sitting in their common room being like.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: "Oh, did you hear [Colin laughs] James's gang is staying for the holidays?"
Kim: James's gang? Excuse me, James's gang?! [Colin starts laughing]
Sequoia: I'm sorry. Sirius's gang are staying for-.
Kim: Thank you [dissolves into laughter alongside Sequoia]. Instead, Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle sat with their heads close together, muttering to each other. Sometimes one of them would glance at the Gryffindor table with a smirk, but would turn away before Sirius could even make a rude gesture at them.
Sequoia: Wow. They're gearing up for something. This has to be like the calm before the storm. Either that or they're about to like sharks and jets have like a dance off.
Kim: [improvising noises to the rhythm of West Side Story's "Cool"]
Colin: The big rumble. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. [singing breathily] Stay cool, boy. [all three laugh].
Kim: Silly. Oh yes. [Colin chuckling] Sorry. Thinking about having all Marauders showdowns with Snape's gang looking like that. [Sequoia laughs] And I'm about it. "I wonder what those slimy gits are up to," James mumbled under his breath.
"Maybe they're planning something?" Peter suggested.
Sirius snorted into his beef stew. "Oh, please," he said, rolling his eyes. "They don't have the brains."
Sequoia: [between chuckles, exasperated at these boys] I really cannot get a handle on what the problem is! [Kim and Colin laugh]
Kim: "Snape's face! It's right there!" [Colin and Sequoia cackle] "I don't know," Remus said slowly, staring thoughtfully at Snape's gang. "They look pretty involved, don't they? I wonder..."
James shrugged. "It might not have anything to do with us. They're probably trying to figure out how to overthrow the Minister of Magic or something."
Sequoia: Uh...
Colin: [chuckling] Sure.
Kim: Because they're all so evil. [Kim and Colin chuckle]
Sequoia: I mean the material point should be that they're evil.
Kim: They are evil, but also pranks versus pranks. [all three laugh]
Sequoia: I wonder what Remus was thinking was happening over there.
Kim: Remus doesn't have any ideas. He's just pretending. [Colin chuckles]
Sequoia: Oh, they seem pretty involved.
Kim: They do.
Sequoia: With each other.
All: Oh?
Sequoia: Snape slash Lucius. [starts chuckling alongside Colin]
Kim: Slash Crabbe slash Goyle. [dissolves into chuckles]
Sequoia: [still chuckling] Slash Crabbe slash Goyle.
Kim: A passage of time. The next night was Christmas Eve and the Marauders were in the Gryffindor common room listening to some of Sirius' Beatles albums. [Colin hums]
Sequoia: Nice.
Colin: Nice.
Kim: Adorable. They were the only Gryffindors left; not even James's girlfriend Lily had stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas. Got that Jily in there!
Sequoia: Nice. [all three chuckle]
Kim: Always got to get that.
Colin: You gotta check it off.
Kim: Yep. [Sequoia hums in agreement] There's Jily. "You have got to admit, this is extremely relaxing," said Remus, who is sitting on the floor in front of the fire with Sirius' head on his lap. "Not so much noise as always."
Sequoia: That's nice.
Colin: I like it. [chuckles]
Kim: It is nice.
Kim and Sequoia: They're having a nice-.
Sequoia: Time.
Kim: Moment.
Colin: They are having a nice time.
Kim: Yeah. They're friends.
Sequoia: Look, Christmas can be fine, even if some people who are kind of evil, who you don't like the look of, are also in the castle [Colin wheeze-laughs] in a completely separate portion of the castle that you...
Colin: [between chuckles] In the same building as you.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs with Colin]
Kim: [feigning shock] What? [Colin and Sequoia chuckle]
Sequoia: [also feigning surprise] What?
Kim: You say that, but: "I'd still like to know what Snape's gang is up to." James said abruptly.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: Yeah, what are they plotting? [Sequoia groans]
Kim: Look, you think... Harry had to have gotten it from somewhere? [other two laugh] Here it is.
Sequoia: He's like, "No, I gotta, I just gotta go follow Malfoy around." [laughs]
Kim: "I gotta know... I just gotta go [pausing] follow their steps ALL the time. Stand outside their common room- just to keep an eye on them!" [all three laugh] "Are you STILL on about that?" Remus asked him. "If they were planning to do something rotten to us, don't you think they would have done it already?".
"I suppose..." James sighed.
"Cheer up," Peter said to him. "Tomorrow's Christmas, after all! Think about presents, or the feast, or something."
Sequoia: OR! That's when the big prank goes down! [Colin chuckles]
Kim: Right? "Don't you think they would have done something already?" No, they're saving it for Christmas. Come on, Remus! [other two chuckle] Be more paranoid! A passage of time. The next morning, James and Peter were awakened by Sirius shouting, "Oi presents!" as he climbed out of [suggestively] Remus's bed.
All: Ayy!
Sequoia: Wolfstar!
Colin: Nice.
Kim and Sequoia: [Harmonizing, singing] Wolfstar!
Kim: Look, this fic has everything: Jily, background Wolfstar. [all three chuckle]
Colin: Casual Wolfstar, I like it.
Kim: Yeah, actually it's not background, it's just casual, which is actually something that I absolutely love about this fic. [Colin chuckles] Part of why I picked it. What's better than casual Christmas Wolfstar?
Colin: Not a whole lot.
Sequoia: Nothing. Yeah.
Colin: It's like sipping on a nice mulled wine on Christmas Eve.
Kim: Am I pandering? Does it matter? [dissolving into chuckles, then cackles with Sequoia] As always, James and Peter ignored the fact that Sirius and Remus had shared a bed again. Parentheses. (NOT in that way, you perverts. They were only SLEEPING), says the author [Colin laughing] and excuse me, author.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: You are incorrect. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Yeah. Yeah, I think-.
Kim: Sorry to say.
Colin: I think the author is dead. [Sequoia laughs] And we need to lead to our own conclusions here.
Kim: Having a little Christmas [long pause].
Colin: Christmas what?
Kim: Intercourse [dissolves into giggles while Sequoia laughs riotously].
Colin: Okay. Thank you. [Sequoia and Kim dying of laughter] Okay. Actually, you know what? Hearing you say that... Okay, that's why the author put that warning in there.
Kim: Huh?
Colin: Because hearing you say that...
Kim: Huh?
Colin: Yeah. Real perverts. [Sequoia and Kim cry-laugh]
Kim: They were addressing me specifically.
Sequoia and Colin: Yes. [Colin chuckles]
Sequoia: They were. They were.
Kim: Look, author, you have them in bed together. It's Christmas. I'm going to draw my own conclusions. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] They shared a... And they all began to open their presents. "Ugh, look at this," Peter said. "This" was an ugly, putrid olive green sweater with orange puff balls on it.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: "I swear, my aunt is colorblind. She makes the ugliest sweaters for me every year!"
Sequoia: I don't know, that sweater sounds like straight fire. [Colin laughs].
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I would wear that sweater.
Kim: You would?
Sequoia: I would totally. I would wear the shit out of that sweater. [laughs]
Colin: Yeah. In 2020 that would be high fashion. [other two chuckle]
Kim: Alright, fine. You'd look spectacular, I would guess.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Sirius was opening his present from Remus. A box of dog cookies.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Fucking rude.
Colin: Nice. Some Scooby Snacks. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Some Snuffles Snacks. [Colin chuckles]
He growled at Remus, who laughed like a mad man, but managed to gasp, "Look inside the box!" "Hahahahaha, [Sequoia chuckles] I'm so funny!" [other two laugh] He didn't say that, I said that.
Colin: [light-heartedly] Christmas prank!
Kim: [cheerfully] Gottem! Sirius did, inside was a book called "When Muggle Music Meets the Wizarding World.”
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: Sirius grumbled, but he was pleased.
Sequoia: Aww.
Colin: It's a nice gift.
Sequoia: That’s a nice gift!
Kim: They're buddies. He got him a book about the thing he likes. He did the thing in the thing. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] After opening the rest of their presents, the Marauders headed downstairs to the common room for some games of Wizard's Chess. Peter, of course, being the clumsy one, tripped and knocked all the others down the stairs. Splat! They landed in something squishy and revolting. [Sequoia gasps]
Sequoia: Oh no, it is! It's the Christmas prank!
Colin: What? Is it the corn?
Kim: [dramatically] Oh no!
Sequoia: It's the corn! [all three laugh].
Kim: "Augh!" Sirius yelped, flailing his arms, sending a mysterious yellow goo [Sequoia and Colin groan] flying around the room.
Colin: Oh no.
Sequoia: [sounding disgusted] Oh.
Kim: "What IS this?"
Peter surfaced from underneath the goo. [Sequoia chuckles faintly] "I think it's [pause] creamed corn!" [Sequoia laughs] He sputtered. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: How many like feet deep are we talking as far as creamed corn is concerned?
Kim: Uh, let's see.
Sequoia: He was immersed.
Kim: The entire Gryffindor common room was full [other two bust out laughing] of creamed corn. And the Marauders were sinking in!
Sequoia: This prank is really good!
Colin: Ah, Christmas prank.
Kim: It is really good. Always complain about how bad pranks are in fanfic and this one?
Sequoia: This is [dramatically] excellent!
Kim: [in a dramatic voice, between a sports announcer and a movie narrator] Full of creamed corn! [other two laugh] "Aah! Swim!" [Sequoia busts out laughing even harder] yelled James. [struggling to not laugh] And they struggled to swim through the creamed corn, trying to get to the portrait hole. It sucked at them like quicksand.
Colin: Oh no, reach for a vine! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: "It's no use!" Remus wailed. "We'll have to EAT our way out!" [Sequoia begins to laugh-cackle]
Colin: Yes, yes! [chuckling with Kim]
Kim: Entirely forgetting that they are wizards. You are wizards!
Sequoia: No, yeah!
Colin: No. You can never use magic to solve problems, [Kim cackles] only do pranks. [Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: You have to eat your way out!
Colin: Eat it!
Sequoia: I like to think that they didn't even use magic to do this prank. They just, like, sat up [Colin chuckles] all night on Christmas Eve.
Kim: Pouring cans of...
Sequoia: Opening individual cans of creamed corn. [all three laughing]
Colin: There's a thousand empty cans of creamed corn just outside.
Kim: Almost certainly. Oh my god. [Sequoia laughs quietly in the background]
Kim: Sirius took a huge bite. "Ach! It's terrible!" [Colin and Sequoia laugh] He yelled after spitting it out. Remus managed to hoist himself on to the mantelpiece, his feet dangling only an inch away from the sea [nearly cracking up into laughter] of creamed corn. [Sequoia laughs] James pulled himself up too. Sirius floundered in the creamed corn while Peter continued to "tread corn" and eat. [Sequoia and Colin cry-laugh] Taking the "We have to eat our way out" suggestion very seriously.
Sequoia: He likes creamed corn!
Kim: Yeah, it's not so bad.
Colin: "It's good corn, guys!".
Kim: "It's good corn-" [dissolving into giggles with Sequoia] Corn is no place for a [Sequoia laughs] group of marauders.
Colin: Nice, nice.
Kim: Thank you.
Colin: Double nice. [still chuckling]
Sequoia: Whoo, that's a good one! [cackle-laughs]
Kim: "Ahh! Help!" Sirius wailed, waving his hand in the air. Remus grabbed hold of his hand, and James flung his arms around Remus' waist to keep him from falling back in.
"I'll never let you go, Sirius!" Remus said dramatically. [all three dissolving into laughter and chuckles].
Sequoia: Yeah. They do need a vine, or like a plank of wood.
Colin: [chuckling] Yeah.
Kim: Or to use magic.
Colin: Yeah. Do any spell. [other two chuckle]
Kim: Sirius was too heavy for him. And he did let go.
Sequoia and Colin: No! Oh no!
Kim: "I'll save you, love!" Remus yelled and dove back into the corn, pulling James with him. [Colin chuckling]
Sequoia: Wow. Are they going to be found floating in the sea of corn-
Kim: Face down.
Sequoia: On a door? [laughing, realizing what Kim said]
Kim: Oh no. [chuckling]
Colin: Just face down in the corn.
Kim: Dead.
Sequoia: One of them's... Yeah.
Colin: Christmas massacre. [other two laugh]
Kim: Peter squeaked in fear and shielded his eyes from a splash of creamed corn- [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. As Remus resurfaced, pulling a barely conscious Sirius with him.
Colin: [chuckling] Oh god.
Kim: The Marauders- [snickers].
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: He's dying!
Sequoia: This is insane!
Kim: He's going to need CPR! [all three start laughing]
Sequoia: Stick your tongue in there!
Colin: [between chuckles] Gonna need a lot, a LOT of mouth to mouth.
Kim: Eat the corn out! [Sequoia and Colin cackle, making Kim chuckle] Oh my god. The Marauders used all their strength to pull themselves through the last of the creamed corn and out into the safety of the hallway. The Fat Lady looked flabbergasted as she swung shut. [in a disbelieving voice] "What happened?" [Sequoia and Colin start laughing] She asked them.
Peter was looking a tad green in the face. [weakly, out of breath] "I'll never eat creamed corn [Sequoia laughs] ever, ever again," he vowed. Sirius stirred and spat out a mouthful of creamed corn.
"The Slytherins," [Sequoia wheezes, Colin chuckles] he mumbled.
Sequoia: Whoo, they got them good.
Kim: James's eyes widened. "Why didn't we see it before? Snape's Gang! THIS must be what they were planning!" [other two chuckle] He looked over at Sirius and Peter. "Are you two okay?" Peter nodded weakly, but Sirius didn't answer. Instead, a terrible grin was spreading across his face.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: "I've had an idea. Wait here."
Sequoia: Prank for prank!
Colin: Prank for prank!
Kim: [chanting] Prank for prank! Time for-.
Sequoia: Pranks!
Kim: Pre-prank! [all three chuckle-laugh] He returned 3 minutes later, holding a can. He held it out so they could read the label- "Creamed Beets." [Sequoia giggles] I got to know, is this a thing?
Colin: No, that's not a vegetable one creams.
Sequoia: No, I'm looking it up.
Kim: [snickering while Colin laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: I gotta find out.
Colin: I was thinking canned beans.
Kim: Ooh, beans. [nearly cracking up]
Colin: Equally viscous. [Kim hums, listening] That's what I would do in my magical Christmas prank.
Sequoia: Oh god, yeah. Creamed beets are a thing.
Colin: Ugh.
Kim: Ew!
Sequoia: With sour cream?
Kim: What? Ughh.
Colin: That doesn't sound so bad...
Sequoia: Anyway. Okay, so they're gonna fill the Slytherin common room with creamed beets?
Kim: I don't know!
Sequoia: Because the thing, I like prank for prank, but, like you gotta...
Kim: They're doing the same prank? That's not a good... You know, here's the thing. They're going to take it and they're going to elevate it.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Yeah, let's go.
Kim: Sirius grinned broadly, "There's an entire dumpster full [Sequoia breathily chuckles] outside of the kitchens."
Colin: [deeper, rougher voice] "Nobody wants these creamed beets. [other two laugh] They're just gonna throw them out, one by one."
Kim: Look at all these beautiful beets!
Sequoia: I'm actually really insulted that any fan fiction writer would assume that the house elves don't make every-fucking-thing from scratch. [Colin chuckles]They don't use CANNED shit.
Kim: Yeah, I don't know. Well, maybe the house elves are on holiday.
Sequoia: Oh, that's right. Yeah.
Colin: Yeah. Sure.
Sequoia: Wishful thinking.
Kim: So Dumbledore is the one that cooked for Christmas dinner. [Colin and Sequoia laugh].
Sequoia: Dumbledore! The mastermind of the creamed corn. [Kim giggles]
Kim: James, Peter and Remus' eyes widened as they realized the implications of this. "So they're... They're..." Peter said.
Sirius winked and tapped his wand against the can. It burst open, and a truly disgusting smell reached their noses. [Sequoia gasps] "ALL of the cans are RANCID." [Colin chuckles]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: They took the prank and they're elevating the prank.
Colin: Mhmm.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's good.
Kim: If they do have sour cream in them, I bet these are fucking nasty.
Sequoia: Disgusting.
Kim: They just put normal creamed corn in the Gryffindor room. Here we go. Passage of time. And before I read this section, I am going to actually... I cut this story down quite a bit for length. What follows was originally shot for shot pretty much, but I've shortened it a bit. You'll see what I mean.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Severus Snape led the way down from the dorm to the Slytherin common room, clutching a bag of dung bombs. Lucius Malfoy followed next, then Crabbe, [Sequoia laughing quietly] then Goyle.
Sequoia: Are they all smoking a cigarette? [all three laugh]
Kim: They're wearing their matching jackets, smoking cigarettes. [all three still laughing] And they're snapping.
Sequoia: [Improvs a section of the song from A West Side Story that introduces the gangs].
Kim: Just then, being the clumsy one, Goyle stumbled and knocked them all down the stairs.
Colin: Ah, parallel.
Kim: They landed in something- yeah, exactly. This was originally, like, exactly the same.
Sequoia and Colin: Nice.
Kim: They landed in something squishy and revolting. [nasally] "Augh!" [other two laugh] Snape yelled. "What is this?"
Lucius surfaced from underneath the goo. [dramatically, drawing out the vowel sounds] "I think it's... CREAMED BEETS?!" [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
"Ack! Swim!" yelled Snape.
"It's no use!" Lucius wailed. "We'll have to EAT-".
Sequoia: No! [cry-laughing while Colin's chuckles evolve into laughter]
Kim: "Our way out!"
Outside the Slytherin common room, the Marauders burst into hysterical laughter. "That was pure genius," Remus snickered.
"One of the Marauders' finest pranks," [Colin chuckles] James said dreamily.
Sequoia: I wouldn't say pure genius, I would say mostly stolen.
Colin: Yeah, it was their prank, but grosser. But-.
Kim: But grosser, yeah exactly.
Colin: -Meaner even. [Kim cackles and Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, it is. Totally. All right, one more. Passage of time. Professor McGonagall was thoughtfully watching the house elves preparing Christmas dinner. "Albus," she asked Dumbledore, who is standing next to her. "Weren't we supposed to get a rather large shipment of creamed corn to go with dinner?" [Sequoia and Colin giggle faintly in the background] Dumbledore nodded. "Yes Minerva, but I just received an owl about that. It appears the shipment was lost en route. [Colin chuckles] The caterer thinks the shipment may have accidentally been sent to the wrong place!"
[cartoony, anticlimactic little song] Ba-na-bah bah-na bwahp. [Sequoia busts out laughing] The end.
Colin: Whoa. So. Okay, so Snape's gang are like a real gang because they knocked over a truck, they like-
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. [dissolves into giggles]
Colin: They intercepted it en route. What happened to the driver? Is he dead [Kim and Sequoia laugh] or is he tied up somewhere?
Kim: He is dead. Yeah.
Colin: [chuckling] He is dead.
Kim: Some Death Eater shit. [wheeze-laughs]
Colin: I'm just picturing also... Okay, the thing about them receiving shipments of food-.
Kim: [chuckling] Yeah.
Colin: -Has my brain going a mile a minute. [Sequoia laughs] I'm just picturing these muggle truck drivers whose memory [Kim laughs] they're erasing each time they get to... they leave [Sequoia chuckles] the castle.
Kim: I mean, honestly, how do... I- We don't- We shouldn't get into this. But how do wizards get food? [Sequoia and Colin laugh] For real.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: For real, [slightly higher pitched] for real, [Sequoia laughs] how do wizards get food?
Colin: I don't think wizards know about... From what we know about their education system, they don't know about soil horizons or crop rotation or anything like that.
Kim: Right, right.
Sequoia: Right, right.
Kim: Exactly.
Colin: They can't... So nobody is growing food. [dissolving into giggles as Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: Right. But they never know how to use muggle money. So they're not like going to the grocery store.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: How do wizards get food?
Kim: How [pause] do wizards [Sequoia laughs] get food?
Colin: Is there like the central distribution center? Where just everybody-.
Kim: I mean...
Colin: -Just gets food and then you take it home and magically replicate it?
Kim: Well, you can't magically replicate food.
Colin: Oh, that's right.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: The one rule I should know.
Sequoia: That's against Gamp's law.
Kim: That's the ONE rule. [dissolves into giggles] There's only ten wizards, so, you know.
Colin: It's fine.
Sequoia: It's not like it matters.
Kim: They have a Co-Op. [other two laugh] Your predictions were all wrong.
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah. Because...
Kim: You were in the wrong neighborhood and I let you do it. And I laughed the whole time to myself. [Colin chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah, dammit, Marauders, Marauders.
Kim: I picked something pretty silly this time.
Colin: Mm hmm.
Kim: I liked it.
Colin: That was very good. I want to read the original now because I want to know what the steps of the heist...
Kim: I think you'll have to write the steps.
Colin: Oh, yeah. [laughs with Sequoia]
Sequoia: Yeah. Hold for the heist, please. [Colin chuckles].
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: Great. Are you ready for another one?
Kim: Yeah, it's your turn, dude!
Sequoia: It's my turn!
Colin: Let's do it. Let's do it. [airhorn mouth noises].
Sequoia: Here we go. All right, let's get those predictions. Three predictions on "Santa Claws," spelled C-L-A-W-S.
Kim: [sighs] Oh dear.
Sequoia: It is romance slash humor.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: And here we fucking go, kids. This came out post Deathly Hallows.
Kim: [surprised] Post-Deathly Hallows? [Colin chuckling and Sequoia making airhorn mouth noises].
Colin: No.
Kim: Why are you dabbing about that? Don't dab!
Sequoia: Dab! Dab! Dab!
Colin: Dear Listeners, Sequoia is dabbing like a mad man. [Sequoia laughs] It's a sight to behold. [Kim wheeze-laughs]
Kim: You went post-Deathly Hallows!
Sequoia: I did.
Kim: This is, this... I don't know how to predict what happened after the books came out. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: All your algorithms are out the window. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Not like I know how to predict things that came out [Sequoia laughs] before the books [dissolves into chuckles]. Alright. Prediction number one, I think the main character of this is going to be [long pause] Teddy.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Prediction number two, I think Santa Claws refers to Crookshanks.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: And prediction number three. I think that one of the main plot elements of this is going to be someone like, not sure what present to get someone else.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Like, agonizing over present decisions.
Sequoia: Nice, nice, nice. Those are good.
Colin: I also... Let's see, I don't know if this is a prediction, but it's going to be set post books and it's going to be like Harry and Ginny's, one of the first Christmased after they have kids, they're going to be worried about being good parents [Sequoia hums] on Christmas.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Hey, I wanna read that. [Colin laughs] What? [Sequoia laughs] I want that. Someone send me Hinny's first Christmas. [Colin laughs again]
Colin: Cute, right? And second. So the Santa Claus, the real Santa Claus, whom they will [nearly dissolving into chuckles] discover [Kim giggles] is actually real because they have-.
Kim: Awesome.
Colin: -Kids and he's delivering presents to them.
Sequoia: Nice.
Colin: Is going to get magically turned into an animal, I predict a crab. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Nice. Nice. [dissolving into giggles with Kim]
Colin: Claws.
Kim: Hey Colin, Colin!
Sequoia: Santa Claws. [Sequoia cackles] Third prediction, there's going to be a Christmas party where [chuckles to himself] everyone is invited, even Malfoy and all like the former bad guys, and it's kind of weird.
Kim: Nice. Yes.
Colin: So those [chuckling] are my three predictions.
Sequoia: Okay. Alright, those are great. Those are super.
Kim: Those are good. No, I don't know about that second one. What was that second one?
Sequoia: But no, that second one was amazing.
Kim: The real Santa who does exist [voice suddenly shifting much higher] gets turned into a crab?
Colin: The real Santa, who does exist, will be-.
Sequoia: Gets-.
Sequoia and Colin: Turned into a crab.
Kim: Alright.
Sequoia: I love that prediction. I think it's very good.
Kim: That's very good. I would like to read that. Thank you.
Sequoia: All right. Here we go. This is "Santa Claws." Draco Malfoy [Kim laughs] was well, bored.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: To say the least.
Kim: Fucking Draco. [laughs] I should have known.
Colin: I loved it when the character's motivation is boredom in these stories, [Kim giggles] which I think, I don't know.
Kim: "I'm bored."
Colin: I just wonder what it says about these authors. Like maybe they're writing because they're bored [Sequoia chuckles] or they're teenagers-.
Kim: They are.
Colin: -Who have a lot more boredom in their lives [chuckling].
Kim: They are. [Sequoia chuckles] Those are both correct.
Colin: Than the average person.
Sequoia: Yeah, I didn't mean to choose another story about somebody doing something out of boredom, because the last time I did a Christmas story, it was "The Things You'll Do When You're Bored."
Colin: Yes. And I only remember the episodes that I'm on, so. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Sure. That checks out. I only remember the episodes I was on, so.
Colin: Okay. [wheeze-laughs as Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy was, well, bored, to say the least. [whiningly, drawing out the vowels] "How come there's nothing to do?!" [Kim scoffs] The blond placed it... [breaks off to chuckle]
Kim: Who is he complaining to? [chuckling] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Are you ready? Are you ready?
Kim: [higher pitched, uneasy] I don't know.
Sequoia: The blond paced the head boy- head girl common room.
Kim: You fucking fucker! You fucking fuckhead! [Sequoia busts out in riotous laughter, Colin chuckles faintly, eventually giving way to Kim cackling]
Colin: Alright, so, all our predictions are off. I wanted mine to happen. I'm going to write that story. [chuckling with Sequoia]
Kim: We're done.
Sequoia: I want to read that. I want to read the one where Santa Claus turns into [dissolving into giggles] a crab.
Kim: [chuckling] Shit.
Sequoia: Okay. [clears throat] The blond paced the head boy- head girl common room, throwing in a sigh here and there.
Kim: And Hermione's like, "Shut the fuck up. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] I came back for an eighth year, NOT to hang out with YOU!" [other two start laughing again] Continue.
Sequoia: Hermione's fingers twitched. 'He better be saying his prayers.' [Kim chuckles] You see, Hermione was reading a book.
Colin and Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: You see? [Colin chuckles]
Kim: So, so, so...
Sequoia: You see?
Colin: I do see.
Kim: So, she's justified in [hesitantly, drawing out the word] murdering [Sequoia laughs] Draco?
Sequoia: I'd say almost any murdering of Draco is justified, but in this specific circumstance, very, very justified. She is, in fact, you see, reading a book.
Kim: She's busy.
Sequoia: Everyone knows that when the bookworm is reading, they shouldn't disturb her. [Colin and Kim snicker] Back in the fourth year, she sent a second year to the hospital [Colin starts laughing] because-
Kim: [snorts] What the fuck?! [Sequoia laughs] Hermione's crazy today, [Colin laughing harder] she's a loose cannon. [Sequoia laughing harder] Dumbledore's gonna be like, "Turn in your head girl badge and gun." [all three laugh]
Sequoia: Because the boy unknowingly stumbled upon Hermione during her intense reading session.
Kim: That's [pausing] what [pausing, then suggestively] you can call those. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: "Where is everyone?" Sighed Draco, knowing that it really ticked off Hermione.
Slam! [exasperatedly, sharply] "That's it! Can't you busy yourself with some of your girlfriends during this time of day? [Kim snickers and Colin chuckles softly] Or better yet, write to Santa Claus."
Kim: Oh no.
Colin: Okay. [chuckling] I like it. I like where we've taken both these characters a lot. [Sequoia laughs] Or by girlfriends, is she referring to Crabbe and Goyle? [Sequoia and Kim chuckle] Because that would also be a sick burn.
Kim: Sick burn! "Go hang out with Vinny and Greg. Get out of my hair!"
Sequoia: I like that. There's an equivalency here.
Kim: I think Vinny and Greg are dead. What?
Sequoia: What? [Colin chuckles] What?
Kim: Yeah. Vinny died.
Colin: [regretfully] Oh.
Sequoia: Vinny's definitely dead.
Colin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Sequoia: Yeah. Vinny def died. Eh, I mean...
Kim: He deserved it.
Colin: Eh.
Sequoia: Yeah. [chuckles with Kim] I like that, she's like, "Can you busy yourself with some of your girlfriends? Or [emphasized] better yet, write to Santa Claus?" Like those- are equivalent?
Kim: That's nothing.
Colin: [laughing] Yeah. That is nothing.
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia: Are equivalent? Yeah. [laughs].
Colin: [laughing] That's absolutely nothing.
Sequoia: How does one of those things... [Colin chuckles] How do they?
Kim: Because she knows he's going to busy himself with one of his girlfriends in the same room as her. [Colin hums in understanding].
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
Kim: So it would be better if he could just quietly write to Santa. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: [in a babying voice] "I got you this quill and this paper [Colin chuckles] and write to Santa Claus."
Kim: It won't be quiet. She should know that Draco writing to Santa Claus will be like- [high pitched, whiny, very drawn out, sharpened vowels] "Dear Santa Claws!" [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: He's going to dictate it.
Kim: "I've been very good this year."
Sequoia: "I haven't murdered [Colin wheeze-chuckles] one person this year." [laughs]
Kim: "And as such, I think I deserve ten peacocks!" [other two laugh] Hermione's like, "No, no more peacocks!". [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: This is getting more interesting.
Kim: "The main room’s already full of peacocks!" [Colin and Sequoia laugh].
Sequoia: [trying to collect herself from the laughter] Oh my god.
Colin: "We can't get rid of these peacocks fast [chuckling] enough." [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: "Santa Claws? Are his claws sharper than your cat's?"
Colin: Oh, I love this direction. [chuckles].
Kim: Does Draco not know who Santa is? [wheeze-laughing]
Sequoia: Draco does not know [Colin laughing] who Santa Claus is.
Kim: Wizards know who Santa is.
Sequoia: Not now. [Colin chuckles]
Kim: [extremely strained] Not today. [Sequoia laughs as Colin chuckles]
Sequoia: Not today. The boy smirked and continued. "Okay. I'll stop if you tell me who this Santa Claws is." [Colin laughs as Kim makes a disgruntled noise, causing Sequoia to laugh]
Colin: Is Hermione going to teach Malfoy the meaning of Christmas? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: True meaning of Christmas? Yes, she is.
Sequoia: Hermione put her two and a half inch thick book onto the table counter-.
Kim: I've seen thicker. [exhales from nose loudly]
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs with Colin as Kim chuckles] Kim just disappeared out of frame! [Colin and Sequoia laugh for a bit] Whoo, here we are.
Kim: My apologies.
Sequoia: You know you're not sorry, [Colin laughs] don't pretend.
Kim: A little sorry. [chuckles].
Sequoia: And leaned back on the sofa with her soft curls bouncing around her face.
Colin: Okay, hair description.
Kim: Bounce, bounce bounce bounce. [chuckles with Sequoia] They don't usually do that.
Sequoia: Bounce?
Kim: Your soft curls, they don't usually just start bouncing of their own...
Sequoia: Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce. Like a slinky.
Kim: [bursts out laughing, making Sequoia laugh] Yeah.
Colin: She's got ringlets. [Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: Uh-huh. [weakly, less convinced] Uh-huh.
Sequoia: "Santa Claus is a character that the small children believe in. He visits households and brings toys and presents to kids. Most of these kids write a list for Santa Claus, and he tries his best to make their wishes come true."
Kim: Does Hermione believe in Santa Claus? It's sounding like maybe.
Colin: [chuckling] It does sound like she believes in Santa Claus.
Sequoia: I think she does.
Kim: That's awesome.
Sequoia: I think she does.
Kim: That's awesome. Her parents were able to keep up the facade.
Sequoia: The rouse? [giggles with Kim]
Colin: Which does bring me back to the very first question I asked on the first Christmas special I was on: Is Santa Claus real?
Kim: Sometimes.
Colin: Is Santa Claus really [Sequoia laughs] real?
Kim: Sometimes.
Sequoia: I think yes in this magical world, Santa Claus is real.
Kim: And was a wizard. [other two laugh] Is a wizard?
Colin: Yeah, continues to be a wizard.
Sequoia: Is a wizard, let's say that, yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: He's just gone rogue.
Sequoia: Is it a mantle that passes on like Batman? [Colin hums]
Kim: Like in 'The Santa Clause'?
Colin: [chuckles] Yeah, the Tim Allen movie.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: That's a movie.
Sequoia: Don't bring those on...
Kim: That's a movie.
Colin: Yeah. [chuckling quietly]
Sequoia: Don't bring that up.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: "He tries his best to make their wishes come true..." She continued on and on and on.
But what Draco heard was, "Santa Claus makes everyone's dreams come true." [all three laugh]
Colin: So...
Kim: I'm really hoping this isn't Dramione and this is a romance between Draco and his one true love, [pauses] the stage. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: [between laughs] I thought you were gonna say Santa Claus.
Colin: Yeah, [dissolves into laughter]
Kim: Oh, no. Draco's dream is to [pauses, then says dramatically] be an actor. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Mm. Yes. My dreams. [Colin wheeze-chuckles] The boy dashed up the stairs and slammed the door. [Kim scoffs amusedly] Hermione picked up her books and left for the library.
Kim: [exasperated] Just hang out in the library. Hermione!
Sequoia: She's just like, "Can I-god, I just got to get out of here."
Kim: Just be there. Why would you spend any time [Colin laughs] near Draco [Sequoia laughs] that you don't have to be near Draco.
Sequoia: Back upstairs, a brilliant plan was formulated in Draco's mind.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: He picked up a piece of parchment and began to write. "Dear Santa Claus, [Kim cackles]
What I want [Colin chuckles] this year is..." Draco crossed out his words. 'This is so stupid.'
Kim: Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: His fingers searched the table for his quill yet again and he began to scribble out new words.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: "Dear [pauses] fictional-character-of-weird-muggle-beliefs."
Colin and Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: "All I want this Christmas..."
Kim: I don't want a lot [Colin chuckles] for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. [Sequoia chuckles] What?
Sequoia: "All I want this Christmas is... Granger's eyes."
Kim: [thoroughly frightened] No. No, no, no.
Colin: I don't want this.
Kim: She needs those. [Sequoia laughing]
Colin: I don't want... I don't want this.
Kim: She needs those to read.
Colin: I don't want this.
Kim: You can't have those.
Sequoia: "They blaze with the intensity of a thousand suns. [Kim and Colin scoff then chuckle] Her eyes are mesmerizing pools of golden honey."
Colin: [higher pitched from laughing, strained] What color are her eyes? [dissolves into giggles with Sequoia] Honey colored.
Kim: They're mesmerizing pools of golden honey [Sequoia chuckles], Colin.
Colin: Having golden eyes [chuckles], she's got eyes like a cat.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: "They look especially beautiful when she's not glaring at me. [Kim snorts] I want Granger's nose."
Kim: No! She needs that! [Sequoia laughs] For [pauses] putting into things that aren't her business. [Colin chuckles]
Sequoia: "Those adorable freckles are sprinkled across her cute, button nose. And when she blushes, the freckles seem to jump out. [Colin chuckles faintly] I want Granger's lips."
Kim: No, she needs those. For...
Sequoia: Telling you to shut [Colin chuckles] the fuck up.
Kim: Thank you. [Sequoia chuckles] That's what I was gonna say.
Sequoia: "Those soft, luscious lips are so attractive, especially when her lips aren't stained with the ink from her quill." She's eating quills now. I don't know.
Kim: She just drinks ink.
Sequoia: [laughing] She drinks-! [dissolving into laughter with Colin, eventually causing Kim to snort]
Colin: That's how she gets through her power reading sessions. She chugs a bottle of ink.
Sequoia: And then it's just sort of dripping from her mouth. And she's like, "Here we go!".
Colin: Yeah, she's in a frenzy.
Kim: [dissolving into giggles] That would keep people away. [after catching her breath] She just spits ink whenever [Sequoia and Colin laugh] she gets interrupted.
Colin: Like a real grumpy octopus. [Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Stupid. What?
Sequoia: "I want... "
Kim: Okay. No, is Santa going to be real and he's going to get Draco Hermione, or is Hermione going to find this letter? There are only two ways [Sequoia and Colin chuckle] this could go at this point.
Sequoia: "I want Granger's fingers."
Colin: Oh.
Kim: No! [all three chuckle] You can't have those!
Sequoia: "Her fingers are so nimble. One minute I'm eating ice cream, [Colin and Kim laugh] the next, I'm searching for my ice cream bowl [Colin chuckling] wondering where it went."
Kim: What? Is Hermione... what?
Colin: No ice cream.
Sequoia: She's... [laughs at Colin's statement] Oh, you think she's just batting his ice cream off the table, like a cat? [all three laugh]
Colin: Yeah, like gagh [assumed miming of cat knocking something, causing further laughter], no ice cream for you.
Sequoia: I think she's stealing the ice cream because she wants ice cream.
Kim: No ice cream for death eaters! Whack!
Sequoia: "I'm not really good with my words. [Kim scoffs] I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and find Granger's eyes, [Colin wheeze-laughs] nose, lips and fingers on the foot of my bed. That's a really disturbing thought. [Kim sighs] What... What I'm trying to say is that maybe all I want for Christmas [Kim snickers] is Hermione Granger. [tone shift, suddenly serious] I've entrusted you with my secret, take it to the grave." [Colin and Kim chuckle]
Kim: Fictional character who Muggle children [Sequoia and Colin chuckle] like [pauses] or whatever.
Sequoia: "I want you to simultaneously get Hermione to fall in love with me, but [slightly grumbly, teenager voice] don't tell anyone I like her." [Colin and Kim laugh] "Sincerely, Draco Malfoy." [Kim giggles] Draco looked over his masterpiece, [Kim chuckles] folded the parchment six times and tucked it inside his pocket. He left the common room to find a certain someone.
Kim: What is he doing?
Sequoia: The rest of his day carried on smoothly. Even the teachers wondered why a Slytherin would be in such a good mood.
Kim: That's nothing.
Sequoia: On Christmas Eve [dissolving into laughter] nevertheless.
Kim: What the fuck? [cracking up into quiet laughter]
Sequoia: Slytherins hate Christmas!
Kim: Is he going to school? Why are you seeing the teachers? [spiraling, sounding increasingly confused] What is happening? Why do Slytherins not like Christmas? What is happening? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: That night, Malfoy crawled into bed, hoping his plans would work. In a short while, he fell into a dreamless sleep. His door creaked open and a figure crawled into bed beside him.
Kim: Scary. Terrifying.
Sequoia: [sighing] "Go away, Pansy." [Colin and Kim laugh]
Kim: [breathily] "Fuck right off Pansy. [Sequoia and Colin laughing] Every fucking night! [Sequoia's laughter increases] I don't care if you're having nightmares." [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: He heard a giggle. 'Wait. That's not Pansy.'
Kim: Pansy never giggles! Sorry.
Sequoia: Pansy just says, [slightly nasally] "Fine, whatever, I'll leave. [Colin laughing] Fuck you Draco!" [Kim snorts, turning into laughter].
Kim: That's right. That's it.
Sequoia: His brain was a bit slow, considering he had just woken up. "No silly," a soft voice whispered in the dark.
Kim: "Go away, Blaise!" [all three laugh]
Sequoia: "Granger?" Draco-.
Kim: Oh, boring.
Sequoia: -Questioned in a disbelieving voice. 'So she did get my wish list,' Draco mentally smirked. [snootily] 'Malfoys always get what they want.' [Colin chuckles]
Colin and Kim: What?
Kim: Did he just give it to Hermione? [all three laugh] "I'm going to go find a certain someone to deliver this letter to. [Colin and Sequoia chuckle] Here you go Granger." [all three laugh again] Like, what? What?
Sequoia: "Merry Christmas, Draco."
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Granger muttered as she snuggled [Colin chuckles] against Draco's back.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: 'I really owe him for helping me out with Hermione. I still can't believe how he managed to sneak the parchment into her bag. I knew Hermione couldn't resist reading it. I need to get Potter a great present tomorrow.'
"Merry Christmas," he said [Colin breathing heavily, dissolving into laughter] as he ran his fingers through her unruly curls before he drifted into a peaceful sleep. The end. [immediately starts cackling gleefully]
Kim: [disbelieving] No!
Colin: Oh no!
Kim: What?
Colin: Oh no!
Kim: What was that?
Sequoia: He wrote a letter to Santa Claus, and then gave it to Harry...
Kim: Where he said "I like Hermione. [aggressively] Don't tell anyone!"
Sequoia: And yeah. And then he gave it to Harry to put it in Hermione's bag.
Kim: And Harry gave it to Hermione?
Sequoia and Colin: Yeah.
Colin: And the weirdest part of all is that she liked it [dissolving into chuckles as Sequoia laughs] and responded to it.
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: I don't think I would have gotten past, 'All I want are Granger's eyes.'.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: "The fuck?"
Sequoia: And then I'd be like, "I am so... I'm afraid. I'd go to..." [chuckling with Colin]
Colin: I can just picture Santa being like, because he's still real. I just picture Santa being like, [Sequoia giggles] "Dearest Draco, your letter is too horny. So I've decided to put you [Sequoia and Kim laugh] in the trash this Christmas." [Sequoia laughs even harder]
Kim: "In the horny list!" [Colin laughs] What? Which is the trash. Yeah, the trash.
Sequoia: [recovering from laughter] The horny list! [all three laugh]
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: You guys got no points.
Colin and Kim: Yeah. That was-
Kim: Nothing.
Colin: That was so good though. I hated that so much. [dissolves into laughter with Sequoia]
Kim: Yup.
Colin: That was good.
Sequoia: That was a very classic Christmas.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Yeah, it really got... What really got me on this one was his letter.
Colin: Yeah. [Kim hums in agreement]
Sequoia: And how disturbing it was.
Colin: How bad, [chuckling] how scary it was.
Sequoia: Yep. It was scary.
Kim: Oh. Man, you got me all excited with like post Deathly Hallows. And then you bring me some-.
Sequoia: [proudly] Yup.
Kim: Typical, Dramione bullshit.
Sequoia: Ahuh, ahuh. [laughs with Colin]
Kim: God damn.
Sequoia: Gottem! [Colin wheeze-laughs] Oh, okay. It's time for-.
Kim and Sequoia: The Rec Zone.
All: [airhorn mouth noises].
Colin: [distorted airhorn mouth noises, deeper than usual] Wub, wub, wub, wub. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: This Christmas, I have brought you all a whole bunch of recs.
Sequoia: How many?
Kim: Five. We're going to do five.
Sequoia: Five?!
Colin: Woah.
Kim: I was having a lot of trouble finding a Christmas fic this year because every single one I read, I was like, "Oh, Christmas-sy, nice!" [all three laugh]
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: So, I have a long list of Christmas-sy fics. Number one is called the Hobgoblin Christmas Concert. And this is a really cute story about James and Sirius maybe being in The Hobgoblins.
Colin: [chuckling] Nice.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Like in, you know, in book five Stubby Boardman. Hobgoblins.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: Okay. That one's really cute, so that's kind of friendship-y. I got another Sirius and James friendship-y Christmas fic called Merry Mulled Christmas, which is them hanging out at the Potter's House on Christmas and just having a nice time.
Sequoia and Colin: Aw.
Kim: Being friends on Christmas.
Sequoia: Cute.
Kim: Here's another one. This one is a little bit more bittersweet, it's called Old Friends. This one, Pansy goes on Christmas to visit some of the people who did not make it out of the war in such good shape.
Sequoia and Colin: Oh.
Kim: So that one's a little bittersweet, but still kind of friendship-y. Here's another one, this one's actually been on my list a long time, I'm finally getting it out there. I don't remember... I've tried to rec this before, maybe I've succeeded, if this is a repeat, my apologies. It's called Mother of Invention. This is Tonks slash Luna.
Colin: Ooh.
Sequoia: Whaat?
Kim: On Christmas. Very cute.
Sequoia: Nice, nice.
Kim: Like it very much. And the last one is the one I would like to highlight the most. It's called Another Christmas and it is Harry slash Zach.
Sequoia: Harry slash Zach?! [Kim giggles proudly] Damn. That's a good ship. [cracks up immediately with Colin].
Kim: No, it's not! I'm into it. The summary for this one is "What happens when the bitter Zachariah Smith is the one under the mistletoe instead of Cho." [Colin chuckles].
Sequoia: Nice. I like it.
Kim: So, there you go. You get a whole bunch of Christmassy fanfics. Merry Christmas!
Colin: Nice. Merry Christmas!
Sequoia: You can find links to all of those in the description of this episode. They will also be on our Website.
Kim: Website, oops.
Sequoia: Wow, bringing that back?
Kim: [trying not to laugh] FanaticalFics.com. [both laugh].
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our story submission form. Keep sending us every insane fanfiction that you come across, all of them, everyone.
Kim: Also on our website, there's links to our [pause] merch! [improvised merch song/echo] Merch, merch, merch, merch! There's merch on our website which is filled by us. Also link to our Tee public where there's a bunch more designs. Annnd... Fun stuff. Check that out.
Sequoia: If you want to tweet at us-.
Kim and Sequoia: From France. [Colin laughs].
Sequoia: Or any other country that starts with an F, you can find us on social media, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook at Fanatical Fics.
Kim: You want to send us any of your longer thoughts or submissions for any of our cool segments? Email us at Fanatical Fics at gmail.com.
Sequoia: Colin, where can the people find you?
Colin: The people can find me if they look into their hearts deep enough, [Sequoia faintly laughs] but in reality, you can find me...
Kim: If you believe hard enough and look deep into your heart on Christmas. [giggles with Sequoia]
Colin: You can find me by subscribing to my podcast. We are currently on hiatus, but we do have plans to return. Maybe someday, who knows? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Be back again someday, very good.
Colin: But subscribe to there, you know, for updates and for future projects. It's called Remedial Sex Ed. You can find it wherever pods are cast. You can also find it at Remedial Sex Ed on the soc' medes: Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Colin: Yup.
Sequoia: If you like this podcast, you can help us out in a couple of different ways. Leave us a review on I-Apple Podcasts [Kim laughs] or Facebook.
Kim: You almost said it!
Sequoia: I almost said it!
Kim: Oh, man. Trick Everyone 2020. You got a few more days left in this terrible year [Colin and Sequoia laugh] to trick some people! [laughs]
Sequoia: And let's get hyped for Trick Everyone 2021!!
Kim: We're doing it again. We're just going to keep the same tagline because [emphatically] this year doesn't count! [all three laugh].
Colin: Nice.
Kim: You can also help us out by joining our fucking weird Patreon. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] I love them. They're weird. They're good. Come hang out with us. Speaking of Patreon, after a few months at certain tiers, you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, this week written by Sequoia. Take it away, bud.
Sequoia: [clears throat] Christmas. A time for presents, family, friends, hot cocoa around the fire, maybe featuring a shot of firewhiskey, and of course, mistletoe hung in the most unexpected places.
Kim: [scoffs, surprised] Fuck.
Colin: [chuckling] Above the toilet.
Sequoia: Lavender Brown loved Christmas. She loved giving gifts as much as receiving them and could drink hot cocoa by the fire until she burst. But Lavender has never had a kiss under the mistletoe. This year, she has the perfect solution. She's stuck at Hogwarts for Christmas while her parents ski in Sweden, and she's attached a piece of mistletoe to her headband. So she's bound [Kim giggles] to get a kiss this year. After waking late and making her way to the Great Hall, she encounters absolutely no one for most of the day [Kim hums disappointedly] until she decides to go on a walk and bumps head first into Pansy Parkinson.
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: Can Lavender melt this ice queen's cold heart on a snowy Christmas Day?
Kim: Can she?
Colin: Ooh!
Sequoia: I don't know, can she?
Kim: [very strained] Can she?! [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Colin: Giving a very special thank you to Jessica Dumroth, Eelyn, Amanda Donna, Maddie, The Cactus, Amy Harvey, and Irene. Thank you very much.
Kim: Your support means so much to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for our amazing theme song. It is their song, Wolfstar.
Colin: [singing a little tune by saying meow repeatedly, roughly to the tune and rhythm of the theme song's first line]
Kim: [slightly strained and higher pitched] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho-. ["Ho"'s getting progressively lower]
Kim and Sequoia: Ho, ho, ho, ho! [Sequoia's "Ho"'s getting progressively more drawn out]
Colin: [joyfully, near sing-speaking] Merry Christmas!
All: Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Sequoia: TM, TM, TM, TM.
Colin: [various grossed out noises].
Sequoia: Bye! [laughs].
Colin and Kim: [through chuckles] Bye! [all three laughing]
Colin: [recovering from riotous laughter, still giggling] That was, sorry...