Episode 92: Sock in Mouth (Feat. J'Neia from House of Black)
We had so much fun having J’Neia from House of Black on for this episodes, make sure to go check out her pod!
Recommendation:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/222963/1/Fool-for-Love
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Emma
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: What's your holiday gift guide looking like this year, Sequoia?
Sequoia: My holiday gift guide?
Kim: Yeah. What's your top gifts for 2020?
Sequoia: Costco sized tissues. So like several boxes of Kleenex in one large box.
Kim: Okay. Sure, sure.
Sequoia: Weighted blanket?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I think also the stuffed animal for baby Yoda.
Kim: Okay. Those are all nice.
Sequoia: I think that… yeah, I think that is what most people need in 2020, is just some tissues, a weighted blanket, and a baby Yoda to hold.
Kim: I was gonna recommend that you poke holes in all your friends’ socks so that they'll finally appreciate it when you give them socks for Christmas.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: And today we are going to be joined by a special guest, again!
Kim: Hell yeah, we are!
Sequoia: In this? In 2020?
Kim: In this economy? [both laugh]
Sequoia: But we are going to do our… our announcements first.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Get through those real quick. Here we go.
Kim: Announcement number one. We have a story time livestream coming up on the nineteenth. So join us on YouTube for that. Should be a blast! Check out our social media for announcements of what time that'll be as we get closer to that date.
Sequoia: Also, if you are a patron on Patreon at one of our bonus content tiers, we are doing a livestreamed episode this month.
Kim: It's on the twelfth.
Sequoia: It's on the twelfth.
Kim: Should be fun. Those are always fun.
Sequoia: We wanted to shout out to everybody who tweeted at us or Instagrammed us in story format or just sent us a picture of their Spotify Wrapped to tell us that we were in their top podcasts, or their top podcast, or that they had listened to an obscene amount of episodes in one day. [Kim laughs]
Kim: It was nice to hear from you all. It's weird to think about, I guess. We got so many of them!
Sequoia: We got so many.
Kim: I was kind of a little overwhelmed.
Sequoia: Last year when we did Spotify Wrapped, people sent us their…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: You know, and it was like a few people. And it was nice and fun. And this year, I… every single time I opened Instagram that day, there was like ten more of them in our inbox. And I was like, what is happening?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So thanks everyone for allowing us our like two hundred and two percent growth in 2020.
Kim: Jeezy Pete. Yeah. Just on Spotify.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: Just on Spotify, yeah. Whoo!
Kim: Thank you all so much.
Sequoia: We were played in sixty six countries. So that means that there are many, many more places that I can shout out.
Kim: No. No. Hey, speaking of which, I got to ask you something. You know… you know Australia is not an island, right?
Sequoia: I mean, not technically.
Kim: You know that. You know that, right?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Just checking. [Sequoia continues laughing] I just wanted to circle back and check on that. I didn't check on that when we recorded that. But, uh, you know that, right?
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, I know that.
Kim: Okay. Okay. Cool. [Sequoia continues laughing until ending with a sigh] Cool. Let's get to that guest and whatever you found.
Sequoia: Today we have a very special guest from The House of Black Podcast. It's J’Neia! Hello!
J’Neia: Hi!
Kim: We're so excited to have you. Thank you so much for coming on!
J’Neia: I'm so unbelievably excited to be here. [chuckles]
Kim: We're so excited to have you, J’Neia. Could you tell us a little bit about your podcast?
J’Neia: Yes. So my podcast is called The House of Black Podcast and was kind of like a play on words about the House of Black in the series, but I kind of felt like there weren't a lot of spaces podcast-wise for, like, Black Potterheads, so I decided to call mine a House, like House of Black, because I thought it would be cool. [chuckles] So yeah, so basically I just reread all the books from my perspective as, like, an adult Black woman, and just kind of, like, look into some of the larger themes that are, like, present in certain chapters and, like, how they relate further into the series and things like that.
Sequoia and Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: We have a couple of questions to ask you so that we can become acquainted with you and our listeners. So we'll start out with the first question. What is your Hogwarts house?
J’Neia: Slytherin. Snake gang activities.
Sequoia: Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
J’Neia: All day. [all laugh] Yes.
Kim: Nice. Nice, nice.
Sequoia: Amazing. It's great to have another Slytherin on the podcast.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Thank you. Hiss hiss, bitches. Yes. [J’Neia laughs]
Kim: Uh huh. J’Neia, could you tell us a little bit about what your OTP is?
J’Neia: Oh my god. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] So my main one, the one that just clears my skin and brightens my skin and makes my crops grow, is, of course, I love a good Wolfstar fic.
Kim: [in deep voice] Yeah!
J’Neia: It's my favorite.
Kim: What’s better than that?
J’Neia: Closely, closely, closely followed by, like, a good Harry and Luna moment.
Sequoia: Oooh!
Kim: Oh nice. Nice, nice.
J’Neia: Mhm.
Sequoia: I love that!
J’Neia: For the longest time I was reading, like, Harry and Hermione, and I was like, you know, I'm bored. Let me just… I was on fanfiction.net, and you know how, like, they have the drop box of characters, but it's like every character that ever existed?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Yeah.
J’Neia: So I just started, like, randomly picking some just to see, like, if there was anything.
Kim: Always a fun game.
J’Neia: Yeah, and that was how I found out that the Snape/Hermione ship [Kim groans] fandom is… is flourishing apparently.
Sequoia: Yes it is!
J’Neia: A dark time.
Sequoia: Yikes!
J’Neia: A dark time. [all laugh] A dark time.
Sequoia: Oh man. Whoo. Yeah. Those are both very good ships. That's a good… like a mainstream ship and like a… like a cool underground ship.
J’Neia: Mhm. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Similarly important to your OTP. We here at the podcast, we do love a good Draco centric fanfic, where who is Draco today? What are we doing today? Who is your Draco true pairing? Who should Draco be with?
J’Neia: [exhales] A casket. [all laugh loudly]
Sequoia: That’s real spicy!
Kim: Whoo! Got him!
J’Neia: But in all honesty, I could totally see… like if it wasn't for the fact that he just truly hates her continued existence, I would say Draco and Hermione, but that one is just wrong on so many levels, so I have to say…
Kim: [laughs] If we’re like deep AU, I guess I can see it.
J’Neia: Yeah, I think… I think like some of the ones you wouldn't expect, like Draco and Luna, or like…
Kim: Hmm.
J’Neia: …Draco and Lavender Brown or just somebody that is very like…
Kim: I don't think I've seen that! Have you seen that?
J’Neia: Me either.
Sequoia: Draco/Lavender Brown! I'm… I'm intrigued.
Kim: Yeah!
J’Neia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's y’all’s turn to find that one. If it exists. If it exists, it is now your turn to find that. That is your duty.
Kim: So I guess we've talked a little bit about what you like to read. But do you have any other fanfiction experience?
J’Neia: Ooh. Okay, I write it, to start.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Yes! Yes!
J’Neia: Yes, I've come a long way. I went from first, like, just reading Harry Potter fanfiction, and my first experience writing fanfiction was the Jonas Brothers. So those were dark times.
Kim: Ooh! Ooh! [Sequoia laughs] Nice!
J’neia: Yes, I've come a long way.
Sequoia: Incredible!
Kim: It's good.
J’Neia: Yeah. So, like, I just… I've… there was like this section of the MuggleNet website that used to have like a fanfiction portion.
Kim: Mhm.
J’Neia: And that was where I first started reading it, but I have not been able to find it. I don't know if it was archived or what? But…
Sequoia: Yeah.
J’Neia: And then I moved on to fanfiction.net, and then maybe like, four or five years ago I dipped on over to AO3, which I discovered I liked more, ‘cause I just do.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Way easier to use. It's just a better website.
J’Neia: Truly.
Kim: By miles and miles and miles.
J’Neia: Right, right. So like my main one has just been, like, reading and writing it, and then like when I'm bored, I'll just randomly search for pairings that, like, no one would think of. Like I was reading Twilight, and I searched for Aro and Bella, just to see if there's anything. And there was, and I was pleasantly surprised.
Sequoia: Oh! Okay!
J’Neia: Very, very odd things. Very odd things.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: We were talking a little bit before we started recording about whenabouts you started reading fanfiction.
J’Neia: Mhm.
Sequoia: And you said around 2006.
J’Neia: Mhm.
Sequoia: I've got something that's, like, adjacent to that era of fanfiction.
Kim: Awesome.
J’Neia: Yay!
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: So very exciting.
J’Neia: I was like ten. So I was reading it, and I was just like, wha? Wait a minute! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] And then I was like, this is disgusting. I need more. [all laugh]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: [sighs] Awesome. Well, as a fanfiction aficionado, you will probably take well to our stupid game that we play. [pause] Predictions.
J’Neia: Yes, yes. I'm loving it.
Sequoia: You look scared, Kim. Why do you look scared?
Kim: I just… I'm always scared. I don't know, man.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I mean, you should be scared because what is this fanfiction called? This fanfiction that I'm about to read to you? Everybody make predictions. We're making three predictions based on three clues. You can send those predictions in. Tweet them at us #FanficDivination, answer our story on Instagram, or put them in the Discord for house points if you're on Patreon.
Kim: House points!
Sequoia: Here we go. [deep voice] House points! [regular voice] This story is called Sock in Mouth. [Kim groans] [Sequoia laughs] It is humor/romance.
Kim: Of course it is! I hate that.
Sequoia: And it came out literally three days before Half Blood Prince. [all laugh]
J’Neia: Oh god. So it's still… it's still possibly Order of the Phoenix related, which is just…
Sequoia: Yes.
J’Neia: Oh god. Okay, that means it's probably like Grawp and like Umbridge or something. I don’t know. [all laugh]
Kim: You never bring anything gross! But this just… I don't know. That title is evocative of something.
J’Neia: I remember the broom episode, okay. [all laugh]
Kim: That was me though! I bring the gross. That’s my job! [laughter continues] You can’t do my job!
Sequoia: I constantly refer to any listener who loved the broom episode as Kim's listeners. Specifically.
J’Neia: It's… it really is the perfect… it's the perfect trick episode. I got one of my friends into it with that.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: Wait! A trickster? You're a trickster as well?
J’Neia: Of course I am.
Kim: Incredible!
Sequoia: What?! What?!
J’Neia: Yes, yes. I know no other way.
Sequoia: Thank you so much.
J’Neia: I know no other way.
Sequoia: That's amazing! Wow.
J’Neia: Okay. Okay. I think I have… I think I have some guesses here. I'm gonna say that… I'm gonna say that because this is right before Half Blood Prince, I'm going to say it has something to do with the Room of Requirement.
Sequoia: Okay.
J’Neia: I'm going to assume that it's like Draco and Neville. [laughs]
Sequoia: Nice! Dreville!
J’Neia: And I will predict that there are actually no socks and that the sock in mouth thing is probably like a… like a condition like babies getting hand, foot, and mouth syndrome. Like something like that. [Kim laughs loudly]
Sequoia: Nice. Those are all very good predictions.
Kim: Okay. Prediction number one. This is Dobby/Winky.
Sequoia: What the fuck, man?
Kim: I kinda hate that. Man, I hate that. Okay, prediction number two… like, I'm uncomfortable with what I’ve just said. [Sequoia laughing] I'm sorry.
J’Neia: Oh god.
Kim: Prediction number two. No socks go in anyone's mouth. No… no socks in mouths.
Sequoia: Mhm. Okay.
Kim: That’s what I'm hoping for.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Okay, there's gonna be an accidental… there's going to be a transfiguration accident in this.
J’Neia: Ooh, okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Good one. That's a really good one.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: All right. Well, this story [pause] is something. Okay! Here we go! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Sock in Mouth.
Kim: Is this gonna be about Hermione punching Draco in the mouth? Wait a second.
J’Neia: Oh, shit. [all laugh] I never thought about… you know, it could just as easily be about Sirius Black punching Lucius Malfoy in the mouth. It could go either way.
Sequoia: Mmm. Right.
Kim: Just some… some good mouth punching. Maybe?
Sequoia: Mouth punches. Huh. Maybe?
Kim: I really hope it's not Dobby/Winky. I'm serious.
Sequoia: I don’t know why the fu… okay. We’ll just…
Kim: Dobby loves socks. Here's the thing. We’ll just move past that. [all laugh]
J’Neia: Christ.
Sequoia: Okay, here we go. Fred grinned as he watched Angelina knee George and run away while screaming obscene things over her shoulder.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He briskly walked over to his twin, who was in the fetal position. “Sorry, George. Didn't know she was going to get so mad over such a small joke.”
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Fred sighed before continuing. “And I definitely didn't know she would mistake you for me. Although I do say we look almost identical.”
Kim: Did Fred set George up?
J’Neia: [laughing] Oh god!
Kim: They’re usually such a united front. This is weird.
J’Neia: Bonus points. Fred is a ghost. [Kim and Sequoia laughing] He's a ghost. He’s a ghost.
Kim: He's died. Oh, Fred died. I mean, wait, what? Fred died. Everyone’s dead.
J’Neia: Everyone is dead.
Sequoia: [sighs] Yeah, it does seem as though Fred has set up George to get kneed in the balls.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which, you know, is rude.
Kim: It’s not polite.
Sequoia: It’s not very twinly behavior.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: George let out a growl before attempting to stand up. The try was successful with only a few yelps of pain. After a few minutes of resting, George felt good enough to walk. The two redheads then made their way from the entrance hall of the Great Hall to the Gryffindor common room. All the way they discussed who their next possible victim could be.
Kim: Okay? No, wait, what?
J’Neia: I understand nothing. I have no guess as to what could be happening.
Sequoia: [all laugh] They’re… you know, it's Fred and George. They're pranking whomever.
Kim: Uh huh. Okay.
J’Neia: They're just… just being bros.
Sequoia: Just being bros.
Kim: And Angelina was like, fuck you!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fuck right off.
Sequoia: Yeah, they tried to play a prank on Angelina. She was not having any of that shit today.
Kim: I like it.
Sequoia: And now they're gonna prank someone else.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Not sure who yet.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Discussing their options.
Kim: They picked Angelina because they know she's very favorable towards them normally. You'd think they'd stop after that.
Sequoia: After getting kneed in the balls?
Kim: Well, yeah. You know, the one person who kind of seems like they might like you.
J’Neia: Oh god.
Kim: And they are like, fuck right off. Maybe it's not such a good prank.
Sequoia: Or such a good day for pranking.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe give it a rest until tomorrow? I don't know. We'll see.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: They’re deciding who their next victim could be.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Letting a huge grin spread across his face, George laid out the name of their newest pranking victim. “Luna Lovegood.”
J’Neia: [laughing] Christ. Hasn't she been through enough?
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Maybe leave… leave her alone.
J’Neia: This is… this is post Order the Phoenix. She can see the dead horse things. Her mom’s dead. She gets bullied. Leave her alone.
Kim: Everyone bullies her enough. Oh my god. [groans] It doesn't seem like it's a nice prank either. Like, oh, we're including you in the fun ’cause we like you.
J’Neia: But they probably… they probably like her a little so maybe it won't be something so bad. Like maybe they… maybe they'll do something like change her shoes from like Converse to Nike Free Runs or something. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Something harmless.
Kim: A plus.
Sequoia: Luna would be like [dreamy voice] when did I get new shoes? Hmm.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Like keeps going on.
Kim: It’s weird how they all wore Converse in that one movie. Wasn’t… never mind. [all laugh] It’s not on topic.
J’Neia: Where did they get them from?
Sequoia: It’s the fashion movie! It's the movie where they decided that they were fashionable today. [quietly] Fashion movie.
J’Neia: The one where they're like, we should probably make you guys look like you shop at Abercrombie, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, you got to appeal. This movie's got to appeal to the kids.
J’Neia: To the Americans. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah! Exactly.
Kim: Hey, I wear those shoes too! I’m just like Harry!
Sequoia: “We've never pranked her before!” Excitement filled the eyes of the two Weasleys as they started to formulate their newest plan.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: They reached the common room soon after and quickly scanned the room for Lee. After pulling Lee away from the game of exploding snap, they went up to their dormitory to make a final draft of their plan. I like to think that they have, like, blueprints of the castle and…
Kim: Yes. Yes.
J’Neia: Absolutely. They have, like, a trello board and everything. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Like phase one needs to happen before we can go into phase two. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Trello board!
Kim: Got a lot of plans in there.
J’Neia: Infrared goggles to alert them to, like, presence in the hallway or something.
Sequoia: Exactly. Nobody can hear about the prank before the prank happens.
J’Neia: Right.
Kim: For sure not.
Sequoia: You’ve gotta have safeguards up.
J’Neia: I feel like they definitely have, like, bribed Miss Norris at some point. Like probably just laid some tuna on the floor and be like, here. Shh! Don't say anything! Go that way!
Kim: I'm really excited about this story. I don't think we've done like a prank stor… like a Fred and George prank story before, and they're great.
Sequoia: Yeah, we never have. [Kim exhales] This is new. This is new territory.
Kim: So fun. I love this. I love this… like that secondary cast of characters that they have around them too, like all their friends and stuff. Anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah, they're not people we hear about often.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Lee?
Kim: Lee’s great.
Sequoia: We never hear about Lee in fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah, he's usually maybe present.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's like mentioned in the crowd.
Kim: There’s Lee! He’s over there!
Sequoia: “Okay, so what's the plan?” Lee interrogated, with a suspicious look crossing his face. Usually when the twins pulled him out of a game where the stakes were high, it was important. I don't know why the stakes were so high on this game of exploding snap.
Kim: Stakes were… he’s running a grift.
J’Neia: Yeah, yeah. He had money on the line. He's trying to open his radio studio next to the joke shop.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes.
J’Neia: He has things to think about here.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Lee, famous wizarding podcaster.
Kim: Yes.
J’Neia: Yes. We walked so he could fly. [all laugh]
Sequoia: George was almost bouncing with happiness as he told Lee his… in quotation marks… “brilliant and well thought out” plan.
Kim: Okay?
J’Neia: Narrator: It was, in fact, not well thought out and not brilliant. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: That's when Lemony Snicket chimes in and says, it was in fact… After laying it all out, Lee sat back in his bunk bed with a surprised look on his face. “You're kidding me, right, mate? This is all a big joke?”
J’Neia: Where are they?
Kim: They're in their dorm room.
J’Neia: There’s bunk beds in there?
Kim: They’ve got the beds bunked so that they have more room!
J’Neia: More room for activities!
Kim: For their elaborate plans!
J’Neia: More room for activities and planning. [all laugh]
Kim: I don’t think four posters would bunk very well!
Sequoia: Yeah!
J’Neia: That’s why I’m like, are they… are they on the run? Is this the World Cup? What’s going on? Maybe that's the joke. Angelina was like, shut up. We're on the run here. Things are happening.
Sequoia: Yeah, I had not even noticed the bunk beds before. But yes, what is happening? Maybe they turned… maybe Fred and George turned their beds into bunk beds.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: For fun. Because they're twins, and they got to have a bunk bed. And…
Kim: Mhm. Why would you choose to have a…? Fine.
J’Neia: Dumbledore definitely helped them out with that.
Sequoia: Yeah! [all laugh] [creaky voice] I think that's a great idea! Yeah. Everybody else still has a four poster though. For sure. “This is all a big joke?” “Of course not!” Fred barked, as if he'd been offended that Lee could think such a thing.
Kim: They would never joke about jokes. [all laugh] Come on.
J’Neia: Who do you think he is? Some kind of…
Kim: Serious business.
J’Neia: [with emphasis] Sirius business.
Sequoia: Haha. That prankster shit.
Kim: Heh heh. [singsong] The prankster and the pranks and the good…
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] “It was born of pure intelligence and strategic powers.” “I get the point.” Lee scowled, and he appeared to be in deep thought. “Are you… are you sure you want to take Dumbledore’s sock?”
Kim: What does it… okay, wait. What?
Sequoia: It's part of the prank.
Kim: Okay. I don't see how this is related to Luna but…
J’Neia: Maybe it's like a… maybe it's like an artifact. You know, like… like, something she is in possession of, you know, like Nicholas Flamel’s stone of destiny or some shit.
Sequoia: Dumbledore’s sock!
J’Neia: Thanos’s glove. Something like that. Something like that.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's… it's a… it's a treasured artifact that they must steal heist style.
Kim: Awesome.
J’Neia: Yeah, and it probably isn't even a sock. It's probably just, like, an old lemon drop with like a hair on it or something. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Like those… like when babies carry snacks around for too long, and they just pick up everything. It's probably like that.
Kim: It's, like, roughly sock shaped. It's just caught so much lint. What? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
J’Neia: It's a lint puppy. Like, it's just like a lint with hair around it like a leash.
Kim: Gross. I like it.
Sequoia: Oh no.
J’Neia: Fantastical beasts, indeed, and where to find them.
Sequoia: [sighs] “Are you… are you sure you want to take Dumbledore’s sock?” “Yep!” the twins said, enthusiasm racking their voices. “And… and tie Malfoy to a Quidditch pole naked? With… with the sock on his…” “Yep!”
Kim: I don't see how this prank is related to Luna.
J’Neia: I do. I figured it out. [all laugh] They are doing this on behalf of Luna Lovegood.
Kim and Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Okay.
J’Neia: She… she paid… she paid them. And that's why the stakes are higher than the exploding snap game. She's offered them…
Kim: All right. A bounty?
J’Neia: …a bounty of some sort. An indeterminate sum of goods. She's like, he has taken my shoes for the last time. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Time for Draco to suffer.
Sequoia: I like that. I like that. I imagine it's like a couple of galleons and then some, like, weird shit. Like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like nargle feet.
Kim: Some nargle hair.
Sequoia: Nargle hair. Yeah.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Some… some treats that will lure out a snargaluff, whatever, you know.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: [quietly] Some weird shit.
J’Neia: Probably like a… probably like a speed dial for Sanguini, the vampire, you know. You never know when… you never know when you might need that guy. So…
Sequoia: Oh my god, Fred and George would do anything for Sanguini’s phone number. Are you kidding me?
J’Neia: Absolutely. Absolutely. I love it.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: After that, the room was silent, and Lee fell back into a state of thought. A few moments later, a look of realization appeared on his face. “Wait a minute. What the hell does this have to do with Luna Lovegood?”
Kim: Oh, okay. Thank you, Lee.
Sequoia: Lee, the voice of reason.
J’Neia: He's all of us in this moment.
Sequoia: Both of the twins looked taken aback, and then their faces dropped. And then Fred exclaimed, “Bloody hell! I knew we had forgotten something, George!” [all laugh]
Kim: Okay, so the prank just got away from them.
Sequoia: Yeah. They just… they started with something…
Kim: They circled back to where they always circle back to: punish Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: They didn't mean to. It got out of hand.
Kim: Mhm. Just like how we always end up talking about Draco no matter what we meant to be talking about.
Sequoia: Exactly. It all comes back to Draco.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: “It looks like we'll need to…” George started. “Pool together our genius…” “...and formulate…” “...a plan of pure Gred and Forge brilliance!” they both yelled in unison.
Kim: [snorts] Creepy.
Sequoia: I like to imagine they’re also like Wonder Twins or…
Kim: Oh, sure.
J’Neia: Like Team Rocket from Pokémon?
Kim: [laughing] They are! They've rehearsed this. Okay, that… that makes it make more sense.
Sequoia: Mhm. They rehearsed this.
Kim: I never like the creepy twin talk that happens in every fanfiction with them in it. But if they rehearsed it, and it's a bit, that's fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, it doesn't say that they've rehearsed it, but I assume that they've rehearsed it. And I also assume that they do this every single time they're about to come up with a plan. And whether or not anyone is there to witness them do it or not.
Kim: Right. ‘Cause Lee's part of this, and he's like, Lee, that's right. [Sequoia laughs] I’m sorry.
J’Neia: Lee is there to, like, babysit them. He's just like, hold on. Hold on. Bring it back in. What is happening here? He's the voice… he's the voice of reason. He's the voice of Quidditch and is the voice of reason.
Sequoia: Like, wait a second. You said Luna Lovegood, and then you didn't say Luna Lovegood again in the entire prank. “A plan of pure Gred and Forge brilliance!” Wonder Twins. They both yelled in unison. All three then huddled around Lee's bed and formed a plan to prank Luna. And this time, it would involve Luna.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: A change of locale.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [with a hundred percent vocal fry, voice used for Cho throughout] “Go away, Loony bin,” Cho growled as she flipped through her Transfiguration book.
Kim: Fuckin’ who is Cho today?
Sequoia: Just like a straight up bitch.
Kim: Fuck right off, Cho!
J’Neia: Regina George has been accepted into Hogwarts apparently. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: I hate it when Cho’s a mean girl. I know, like, structurally sometimes you have to or whatever. You don't. But don’t do that to Cho.
J’Neia: I just can't see… I can't see why she would be mean to her. Like, they don't know each other. They don’t…
Kim: Right?
J’Neia: What?
Sequoia: There's no reason. They’re in the common room together, and she just can't handle it.
J’Neia: What if she's the one who's stealing her shoes?
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Yeah, I believe in this universe that Cho is probably stealing her shoes.
J’Neia: Absolutely. That is happening.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: That sucks.
Sequoia: “Go away, Loony bin,” Cho growled as she flipped through her Transfiguration book. The waist length blonde haired girl seemed to be unfazed by her words. [airy, higher pitched voice, used for Luna throughout] “Then my father sent me a picture of its footprint. You know the giants also keep them as pets? Very fascinating creatures. I'd like to find a ghentis someday. I’d…” A scowl appeared on Cho’s face, and she stood up and gave Luna the cold shoulder as she walked out of the common room.
Kim: I mean, maybe, in Cho’s defense, Luna has been doing that for the last, like, two hours.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that's true. Maybe.
Kim: God, Luna, please, please for the love of god. Trying to study.
J’Neia: Can we circle back to this?
Sequoia: Yeah, can we do this later? Luna didn't seem to care that the black haired seeker had just walked out on her. Instead, she collapsed into a cushy armchair that was placed in front of the fireplace.
Kim: Was Luna just trying to get Cho out of her chair?
Sequoia: Ohh!
J’Neia: She's not in Ravenclaw for nothing.
Sequoia: Now, that's good. I like that. After getting comfortable, she opened her copy of The Quibbler and continued unscrambling the runes. A change of locale.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Sort of. Sort of a change of locale. A very short distance change of locale.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: “Hey, my fellow Quidditch player!” Fred exclaimed happily when Cho came out of the Ravenclaw common room. He walked up to Cho and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Can me and my sweet innocent twin ask you a favor?”
Kim: Does Cho not… if Cho doesn't know who they are, this is fine. You know, there's so many students at Hogwarts. It's easy not to notice Fred and George.
Sequoia: Kids who are, like, blowing stuff up and making other children choke on their own tongues?
Kim: Play Quidditch against you?
J’Neia: The two most well known Weasleys of the last ten years.
Kim: There’s just so many students at Hogwarts. How can Cho keep anyone straight?
Sequoia: Oh, she knows who they are.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: She gotta. A look of fear and suspicion appeared on Cho’s face.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Be calm,” she thought. “Don't take any treats from them,” as memories of past encounters entered her mind. Almost everyone in the school had a history with the twins, and most of those histories were bad ones. She proceeded with caution as she pushed the memories aside. “What exactly do you want?” A mischievous grin appeared on George's face as he answered. “Well, you see, Fred left his Charms book in your common room.”
Kim: [snorts] Aha.
Sequoia: This is… this is a terrible lie.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: This is a terrible lie!
J’Neia: Fred doesn't study. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] He doesn't… doesn't do work. What is this?
Kim: This is nothing. This is a bad plan.
Sequoia: “And I'd like to retrieve it,” Fred finished for his twin, the same grin on his freckled face. “Now, you wouldn't leave me out here to wallow in my sadness because I failed the end of term exams without my book, now would you?” “I will not let you in my common room,” Cho attested. “The day I let you in is the day Loony Lovegood finds a friend.”
Kim: Oh. Oh.
J’Neia: Brutal. Yikes.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: That’s really mean!
Sequoia: Really rude. Why would you say that?
J’Neia: Why would you say a thing… like, she just came from battling the Ministry to… she… she saw Voldemort. She's faced off with… with evil itself. What do you mean?
Sequoia: Yeah.
J’Neia: I just love how life goes back to normal for Luna after the Ministry. Like, people still think she's ridiculous. Like, she's probably telling them that she went with them, and nobody believes her.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: Poor Luna. Fred and George looked at each other, grins present on their faces, then chorused in unison, “We're her friends!” After rolling her eyes, Cho started to walk away through the cold, damp corridors. The twins ran after her, and Fred called after her, “Hey, is she in the common room alone?” [Kim snorts] Subtle! What is this plan?
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: Didn't you have, like, blueprints on your bunk bed?
J’Neia: Where's the plan with Draco? Because so far that's the more intriguing.
Kim: Yeah, we should maybe go back to the old plan. This one’s not going anywhere.
J’Neia: Right.
Kim: Losing the Marauder’s Map really hurt their A game.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, that’s true.
J’Neia: They haven't been the same. They have not been the same.
Sequoia: After hearing that, Cho immediately knew it wasn't her they were after. She wheeled around and glanced at the redheaded twins. “Yes, but I am still not going to let you in.”
Kim: Smart.
Sequoia: Yeah, still don't let them… do not let anyone into your common room.
Kim: Do not do this thing. Do not do this thing. Unless it's Harry, and he's asking really nicely.
Sequoia: That’s true.
J’Neia: And even then. Even then.
Kim: But he's Harry.
Sequoia: He’s Harry.
Kim: He's the chosen one.
Sequoia: He’s Harry Potter. The two looked dejected, before they both nodded, while Fred cried, “Woe! The gods have seen that morrow is a dark one indeed. [Kim snorts] The black night envelopes the dark heart, and we're buried here to wallow in our sorrows.”
J’Neia: What in the Severus Snape is going on here? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [laughing] What in the what?
J’Neia: [with emphasis] What in the Severus Snape is going on here?
Kim: Oh no. Is Cho the president of the drama club and this is them auditioning? [J’Neia and Sequoia laugh]
J’Neia: No, actually… actually Snape is like the adult advisor for the drama club.
Kim: Yeah, okay. That checks out.
Sequoia: He is a drama queen. For sure.
Kim: Also, he would hate it.
J’Neia: Exactly.
Sequoia: Dumbledore does like to get Snape to do shit he hates.
Kim: Yes.
J’Neia: Like refereeing a Quidditch game.
Sequoia: Dumbledore thinks he's so fucking funny. “Woe! This evil hath ransacked the forsaken!”
Kim: Oh, we’re still going.
Sequoia: Yeah. What, did you think… you thought it was over? You thought we were done with that?
J’Neia: Shakespeare in the park.
Sequoia: Yeah. “This evil hath ransacked the forsaken!” George howled. He's just saying old timey words now.
Kim: That’s nothing!
Sequoia: That was nothing.
Kim: That wasn't… that wasn't a thought. [dramatically] Thou hast… thou hast did…
J’Neia: He’s channeling his inner… his inner Merlin.
Sequoia: Mmm. Yes. He is the heir to Merlin. No, not this time. Maybe next time. George howled and put the back of his hand to his forehead and pretended to faint.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: With a growl, Cho stormed away.
Kim: Cho is growling a lot.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: It’s her thing.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: It's her mean girl thing.
Kim: She decided to get edgier after breaking up with Harry. She's like, I need… I need more of an edge.
J’Neia: I mean, she… her boyfriend died and then she dated the only other person who saw her boyfriend die. So she's like, you know what? I'm in true crime land now. We can't go back. You're here now. You're here. We're gonna do some things we've never done before.
Kim: Just a lot of growling and being mean.
Sequoia: With a growl, Cho stormed away in frustration of the twins’ antics. The two brothers turned to each other as if asking one another what they should do next. “How ‘bout we just set some traps outside the common room door?” Fred insisted. [Kim scoffs] The twins shrugged. They both made their way to the statue that blocked the door. I’m really wondering where the plan was.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What’s the plan? What was the original plan?
Kim: They were going to go in the common room and [pause] surprise her? [Sequoia laughs] Surprise!
Sequoia: Surprise! We’re in your common room.
Kim: You got pranked! [quietly] Here we are.
J’Neia: The prank is that it’s her birthday, and everyone’s going to pretend they forgot, so they’re going to set up a surprise party for her.
Sequoia: Aww.
J’Neia: But they’re going to use the Draco thing as a distraction to get everyone out…
Kim: Ooh.
J’Neia: …on the…
Kim: Wait, this is all coming together!
J’Neia: See? See?
Kim: I like it.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s good. “Okay, what do we do now?” George pondered as he sat down next to the statue of the knight to think. Fred did the same. “How about we put dungbombs over the door? And charm them to fall when someone walks under it?” Fred asked. George shook his head. “That’s been done.”
Kim: That’s too pedestrian.
Sequoia: Yeah. Honestly…
Kim: Boring!
Sequoia: …that is not… that is not worthy of a Gred and Forge plan of pure brilliance. Not worthy.
Kim: Really seems like there maybe wasn’t a plan.
Sequoia: There wasn’t and there couldn’t have been a plan! Was their plan to wait until someone came out of the Ravenclaw common room and ask them nicely to let them into their common room?
Kim: Clearly.
Sequoia: That’s a terrible plan!
J’Neia: Don’t they just have to, like, solve a riddle, or can they not put their two brains together to… I mean, as far as I know, that’s all it takes to get in, so…
Sequoia: Right?
J’Neia: Maybe take Hermione with you or something. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. It seems like that common room is probably, actually, not easy but like…
Kim: The easiest.
Sequoia: Maybe easy to get into. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You don’t have to know anything special.
Kim: Yeah. All the other ones use passwords, don’t they?
J’Neia: Yeah, and I think the… isn’t the Hufflepuff one just like a pear or some shit?
Kim: The Hufflepuff one might not even have a password. You might just walk into that one.
J’Neia: They’re like, hey, you just walked into this house. So it’s always open door policy, bruh.
Kim: We’re all friends here.
Sequoia: Yeah.
J’Neia: Just do what you want. Just do what you want.
Kim: That checks out.
Sequoia: Amazing. The two redheads sat there for another few minutes when Fred spoke up again. “I think I have an idea. It’s definitely not something we’d usually do, but since Luna isn’t like everyone else, she’ll be harder to faze.” “And?” George pushed as Fred stopped, in thinking. “How about you kiss her when she comes out?”
J’Neia: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kim: Oh-kay!
J’Neia: Whoa, whoa.
Kim: Do not… do not do this thing.
Sequoia: Don’t… don’t… don’t do that.
Kim: Don’t do that.
J’Neia: This feels a little… this feels a little wrong.
Kim: Yeah.
J’Neia: Not gonna… not gonna lie, does feel a little questionable morally.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Don’t just… don’t just kiss…
Kim: Also, what if she doesn’t leave? What if she’s in for the night?
J’Neia: Also… also, to what end? Like…
Kim: Yeah, right? You got pranked!
J’Neia: We kissed you! Sorry, like, what?
Sequoia: Also, like, yeah, how are you to know that she’s… if she doesn’t come out, are you just going to kiss, like, the next person who comes out?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Of the Ravenclaw common room?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Roger Davies?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Did he graduate? [Kim and Sequoia laughs]
J’Neia: Penelope Clearwater.
Sequoia: Yes! Penelope Clearwater! Your brother’s girlfriend.
Kim: Percy will love that!
Sequoia: He would.
J’Neia: That’s the ult… that’s actually the ultimate prank if you think about it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
J’Neia: It’s perfect.
Sequoia: The prank’s on Percy at that point.
Kim: Heh heh. Which it always should be.
Sequoia: It should always be on Percy or Draco.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Or Snape.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “And then if her reaction is just like everyone else’s, we can proceed with my plan. So, what do you think?” “No!”
Kim: Okay. Whew!
Sequoia: “That’s bloody idiotic, you git!” George exclaimed, looking at his twin as if he went insane. “That’s not something I do! And besides, what would be the point of kissing her? That’s hardly a joke, and I doubt it will do what you think.” “Oh? And what do you think it’ll do?” Fred yelled, waving his arms around wildly. What do you…
Kim: Woooo!
Sequoia: That’s a good visual bit.
Kim: It certainly was.
Sequoia: All three of us waving our arms around wildly. “And what do you think it’ll do?” “She’ll freak!” George roared back. “That plan is bogus!” A small voice suddenly came from behind the now standing twins. “Excuse me. Do you know where Cho Chang has disappeared to?”
Kim: I have more of my diatribe to say at her.
Sequoia: The twins wheeled around to come face to face with Luna Lovegood. If she had heard any of their conversation, then she didn’t show it in her expressions. There was a moment of silence, and then the two Weasleys looked at each other, and a huge grin grew on Fred’s face.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: “Watch,” he said.
Kim: No. No, no.
J’Neia: Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
Kim: I think Angelina maybe is mad at him. It seemed like at the beginning that they were maybe done.
J’Neia: What if this is why? Like…
Kim: Ooh.
J’Neia: He’s like, hey, let’s spice it up a little bit. And she was like, what? What is your problem? Can you study… can you study for your N.E.W.T.s like a normal person?
Sequoia: No, he can’t. He left a book in the Ravenclaw common room, apparently.
J’Neia: Of course.
Sequoia: Fred then turned to Luna and lightly grabbed her arms and brought her pink lips to his.
J’Neia: Oh god.
Sequoia: I want to vomit a little bit. That’s fine. I can keep going.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: After a moment, he relaxed and wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss.
Kim: Why?!
Sequoia: She relaxed into his arms and returned the kiss.
Kim: Uh huh. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: Do you like… do you like the pairing I got you?
Kim: This is… [J’Neia makes vomiting noise] Why is George watching?! Ugh!
J’Neia: There’s something… there’s something… something happening here that is not… is not what it looks like, literally. There’s something else deeper happening that we were not prepared for: a Fred, George, AND Luna fic. Okay!
Kim: No!
J’Neia: Okay!
Kim: No, no, no!
J’Neia: I’m just more concerned with, like, why is Luna just not… she’s just vibing. Like what?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She’s into it.
Kim: Not great. Was Fred the one that suggested Luna at the beginning of the story?
Sequoia: That’s a good question. Let me go back into the text. Let me go back into the text. No, George did.
Kim: Oh!
J’Neia: Oh, so this is shady, because then isn’t Fred dating Angelina?
Kim: What…
Sequoia: Fred is…
Kim: What are these boys doing?
Sequoia: Fred is dating Angelina and just had George at the beginning of the fanfiction pull a prank on Angelina, who thought George was Fred.
Kim: Yeah, I think Fred maybe had George break up with Angelina for him.
Sequoia: Is that what happened?! Yikes!
J’Neia: Damn!
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: This will be the funniest prank, George! Do this thing for me.
J’Neia: He probably is like, how long do you think it will take before she realizes that you’re not me? What’s the… how long do you think you can say, it’s not you, it’s me until she’s like, wait a minute? Wait a minute. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god! Wow.
Kim: Good god.
Sequoia: Harsh.
Kim: Fred, what are you doing?!
Sequoia: The daring Weasley twin almost pulled back in surprise when she returned the kiss. It went on for a few more seconds before Fred pulled back with an odd expression on his face. He scanned her stunned face. Fred turned to his twin and smiled. [Kim snorts] “See?”
Kim: Weird. This is weird.
Sequoia: “We stunned her. That means…” He was cut off as Luna turned him around and kissed him hard on the lips one more time…
Kim: This is the worst prank.
Sequoia: …before she pulled back and walked off.
Kim: Do not do… this is so mean!
J’Neia: Also, it’s not a prank.
Kim and Sequoia: This is not a prank!
Sequoia: This is nothing! The dreamy expression still in her eyes. Fred stood there, stunned, before George’s laughter shook him out of shock. “It’s not funny!” he hissed. He had to admit, it had scared him out of his skin. [Kim snorts] Why had she kissed him? He still didn’t see the humor in it.
Kim: [makes incoherent noises] Wait! What is wrong with Fred?
Sequoia: Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Kim: What? This is… this is fucking nothing.
J’Neia: Did a twelve year old write this?
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Absolutely! A hundred and twelve percent.
Kim: A hundred percent! [sighs] Child.
Sequoia: “Sh-she kissed you!” George laughed.
Kim: Haha! You got kissed! Yeah, this is a very young person.
Sequoia: I told you, it’s evocative of a time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Well, that definitely wasn’t the reaction you’d expected. And by the way she kissed you, I think she may have something for you.” Could it be true? Could Luna have fallen for Fred?
Kim: When they’ve never talked that we know of?
Sequoia: I don’t know. He’s… he’s a cute prankster boy. He’s fun. [pause] No? He’s not?
Kim: Yeah, that’s nothing.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: At least we have like a tenuous foundation for Ron and Luna, even though that fucking sucks.
Sequoia: That ship is awful!
J’Neia: I’m sorry, what?
Kim: She laughs at his joke once, and that’s what that whole ship is built on.
J’Neia: Oh god. See, this is bad for me because I just assume any pairing with Ron sucks because Ron is in it. I don’t like him. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Spicy! I like it!
J’Neia: Hate that guy. Hate that guy.
Sequoia: Incredible. Yeah, she’s not going to fall for Ron today. She’s going to fall for George apparently for reasons.
J’Neia: Thank god!
Kim: Fred.
Sequoia: Fred. I mean Fred.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Fred. Fine.
Kim: Sure. Sure.
Sequoia: Fred shook his head and decided to go down to dinner and figure out the situation later.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But as soon as he entered the Great Hall, he spotted Luna, sitting at the Ravenclaw table.
Kim: She somehow got around… never mind. It’s fine.
Sequoia: She’s… I don’t know.
J’Neia: It’s magic school, okay? There’s probably…
Kim: Right! Right!
J’Neia: There’s probably a stair that you sink into and it comes out and you slide to your seat.
Sequoia: Yeah!
J’Neia: There are slides that are covered by the…
Sequoia: Ooh, I like that.
J’Neia: Slides are covered by the house banners. And you just fly out and there you go.
Sequoia: Ooh. Oh, I like that. That’s it! I’m going to sort this all out. Fred smirked as he walked over to the Ravenclaw table and sat down next to Luna…
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: …then started to pile food onto his plate, acting as if nothing was out of place. “Hello, Fred!” Luna greeted as she took a drink from her pumpkin juice. “Hi… hi, Luna.” Fred stumbled on his words as he tried to think of what to say. “Can I ask you something? What did you mean by that kiss?”
Kim: What did YOU mean?!
Sequoia: What did YOU mean? What did you mean? Luna turned and looked him in the eye. “I’m sure you already know the answer to your question, Fred.” Do I? Fred thought. What am I thinking? Am I going crazy? Then he started to reply, “I don’t… I don’t think I do. Can you tell me?” Luna nodded.
Kim: Can you check yes or no on this note for me?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Do you like me?
Sequoia: Luna nodded and then unexpectedly she leaned forward, and, for the third time that day, Fred and Luna shared a kiss. The two… [all laugh]
J’Neia: Why? Why is this happening?
Kim: This is a weird pairing!
J’Neia: What happened to the Draco plan?
Kim: Yeah, let’s circle back! We’ve got to circle back to the Draco plan! That’s a good plan.
Sequoia: The two seemed to melt into the kiss, and then Fred couldn’t help but thinking, Maybe I knew all along. [Kim snorts] What was that?
J’Neia: Maybe the real prank was the friends we made along the way. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Do… okay. Are Lee and George about to high five in the background?
Sequoia: [laughs] A hundred percent!
Kim: Okay.
J’Neia: Lee is just going to, like, fall from the ceiling, and we find out he’s just been clinging to the rafters the whole time. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] With like a video camera, like, yes! Got it!
Sequoia: Oh my god. And with that, he deepened the kiss, despite the stares…
Kim: Gross! Don’t do that at dinner!
Sequoia: …the two were receiving.
Kim: Always at dinner!
Sequoia: The end.
J’Neia: What?
Kim: Shit.
J’Neia: No! There’s more to it, right? [Sequoia laughs] There has to be! Everything after the Draco plan feels like a different story. What happened?
Kim: Yes! Like they were writing a pretty, like, Fred and George out on a prank thing and then it took a hard right into nothing!
J’Neia: Hard right into what the fucksville is this?
Kim: It was nothing!
J’Neia: It’s like they were going to write a Draco prank story and then they left the Word document alone for like a year and then came back to it and was like, I’m just going to keep writing like nothing ever happened. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] No betas, no proofreads, no nothing.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Why would you do that?
J’Neia: We die like men here.
Kim: Um. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo! No. Kim got a point.
Kim: I did. J’Neia, did you also predict that there were not going to be socks?
J’Neia: I feel like I did?
Sequoia: You did predict there were not going to be socks, but there was a sock.
Kim: I think we both got a point.
J’Neia: Yeah.
Kim: Where?
Sequoia: I guess there wasn’t actually a sock.
Kim: There was not a sock!
J’Neia: No sock.
Sequoia: There was the thought of a sock, but there was never actually a sock.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Two points! A point for you and a point for J’Neia!
Kim: Hell yeah!
J’Neia: Yeah!
Sequoia: Whoo! That was a… that was a good guess on both of your parts because that title was nothing.
Kim: Yes it was.
Sequoia: So.
Kim: Yes it was.
Sequoia: I’m proud of both of you. Great job on your predictions today.
Kim: For knowing that there would be no socks anywhere in this story.
Sequoia: This title was going to be nothing.
J’Neia: There will be nothing.
Sequoia: Yeah, I got this… I got this pairing for you. This has been sitting… this story has been sitting on my list since 2018.
Kim: No way!
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: You revisited it and were like, it’s time for this nothing!
Sequoia: Yeah. It was finally time. After all these years. For Luna/Fred.
J’Neia: God.
Kim: That ship is nothing!
J’Neia: I feel so haunted. I didn’t expect to feel this way, but I just… there’s so… there’s so much nothing. Like, I don’t understand where it all came from or…
Kim and Sequoia: Mhm.
J’Neia: Isn’t he… isn’t she the same age as Ginny? Like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
J’Neia: What does this mean exactly?
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t… I don’t… we are given no context or explanation as to why this is happening.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It just is.
Kim: I mean, I think… Fred and George often in, like, these romance fics used as cooler, funnier Rons.
Sequoia: Right.
J’Neia: You know, I think when you put it that way, it just makes me feel as though, like, Ron could be deleted from the series. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Just have Fred and George and save me so much… so much headaches.
Sequoia: Whoo, that’s good.
J’Neia: So much headaches. Like how I feel about my Draco true pairing is how I feel about my Ron true pairing. They both…
Sequoia: Yeah.
J’Neia: Put them both in a casket.
Kim: This is why… this is why you do Dron.
J’Neia: Oh god!
Sequoia: They’re… they’re good for each other.
Kim: Love Dron!
Sequoia: They’re the only ones that can…
J’Neia: Oh my god. No, the next one like… the next one now has to be like Sirius Black and like the giant squid or some shit. Like it has to be something.
Sequoia: Yes! Every squid pairing!
J’Neia: Yes, it has to be…
Kim: No, we only do squid when we’ve recovered enough from the last squid incident.
J’Neia: It has to be like Firenze and like a local house elf or something like… [Kim laughs] just something just off the books. Like something no one would ever… just close your eyes and point to a character.
Sequoia: That’s my favorite game!
J’Neia: Ted Tonks and Barty Crouch Sr.
Kim: Whoa, I’m into it!
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s fire. Yeah, that’s a good one!
J’Neia: Do it!
Sequoia: Amazing. Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast, J’Neia, and for letting me read you this… this very stupid pairing.
J’Neia: It was an honor.
Sequoia: If people want to find you and your podcast, where would they do that thing?
J’Neia: On Twitter my podcast is HouseOfBlackPod. Email is houseofblackpod@gmail.com, and it’s available on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, pretty much wherever you listen to podcasts. And whilst I am on a hiatus at present, I will be bouncing back in about the next two or three weeks or so. So that’s exciting.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Awesome.
J’Neia: Yay!
Sequoia: Awesome. Well, thank you so much again. We’re going to get into some segments, and we’re going to say good-bye to J’Neia for now, and thank you again.
J’Neia: Thank you.
Kim: Hey, man. That story was like staring into the void [Sequoia laughs] of pairings.
Sequoia: Yeah, I… that pairing was a little bit bonkers, and I’m really glad that I got to share it with all of you today.
Kim: Jeezy weezy.
Sequoia: ‘Cause… ’cause what the hell was that?
Kim: All right. I think we have gone a little long.
Sequoia: We had so much fun.
Kim: We had a lot of fun.
Sequoia: We kind of have to condense what we’re doing here at the end, so we’re going to go ahead and skip our segment today.
Kim: But! Do continue to send us stuff for our segments! We haven’t talked about our segments in a minute. Do you want to maybe…?
Sequoia: Run those down? If you send us a description of your OC from back in the day, we love to talk about those on our OC segment.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: Send us a hold for the end, please, hold for the middle, please, hold for the beginning, please, whatever you want to. Starting, finishing, doing the middle of a story that we have done on the podcast that you feel like wasn’t adequately finished.
Kim: Send those into our email, fanticalfics@gmail.com. We love to see ‘em.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: [in deep voices] …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: I have a recommendation for you all today.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: It was sent to us by a listener.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: Thank you so much for this [singing] listener submission! I got you an…
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] What? Why are you laughing?
Sequoia: Here’s the thing about this, is I’m not entirely sure if this listener sent this to me with the idea that it was a recommendation. They probably sent it to me with the idea that it was something we would read on the podcast.
Kim: Okay. That’s fine.
Sequoia: But here’s the thing. This story is really well written.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Like, you know when you run into something, like, kind of bonkers, but it’s so well written you’re like, I don’t… I don’t think this is for the podcast.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This story is called Fool for Love, and it is Percy/Barty Crouch senior.
Kim: Excuse me?
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s…
Kim: You’re doing what now?
Sequoia: I… it’s… okay.
Kim: You’re… you’re recommending…
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. It’s Percy working at the Ministry and just like thinking about how he likes Barty Crouch senior.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So it’s not really Percy/Barty Crouch senior.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It’s Percy…
Kim: It’s unrequited.
Sequoia: …unrequited Barty Crouch senior. [Kim snorts] And it’s…
Kim: Fuck, man.
Sequoia: …just like pretty good. I opened it up, and I was like, here we fucking go, man! And then at the end, I was like, oh! Oh. Okay. Oh, wow.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Oh, Percy. Oh, that was good.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: And then I was very confused about my whole entire existence. So…
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: …I thought I would make you all confused your whole entire existence as well. You’re welcome.
Kim: Cool. The link to that, since we all want to go look at that now, I guess, will be in the description of this episode and also on our website under our recommendations tab.
Sequoia: You can find our website. [hesitantly] Fanaticalfics.com…
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: …is where it is. And also…
Kim: On the internet. You can find it on the internet.
Sequoia: On the internet. Listen! We switched this, and I was so confused.
Kim: Ha ha ha ha.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find merch. We’ve got Yes!! Glitter!!! there. We’ve got our new bookmark with Rose… our READ bookmark with Rose Willow Black on it, which is [Kim giggles] just like prime good, good shit. We also have a link to our TeePublic, which has a wider variety of merch in a variety of designs.
Kim: And runs deals randomly. At random. Just at random.
Sequoia: All the time! Sometimes I think all the time.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Also on our website, you can find our story submission form! Keep sending us that weird ass content!
Sequoia: If you want to follow us on social media for just like some random garbage…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …you can find us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook @FanaticalFics. Or if you have some longer thoughts, you want to send us your OCs, you want to send us a hold for the end, please, our email address is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Speaking of following things on the internet, there’s this really cool new podcast that I think everyone should probably be following.
Sequoia: Oh. Really?
Kim: They released an episode recently with two of my favorite people in it…
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: …and it was just such incredibly good content. I think if you’re not listening to But Make It Scary, you’re living your life wrong.
Sequoia: Ah, yeah.
Kim: That’s just… so check them out @ButMakeItScary.
Sequoia: [deep voice] Heard good things about that podcast. [both laugh]
Kim: But if you like our podcast, and want to help our podcast out… you know, this one you’re listening to right now…
Sequoia: Right. This podcast.
Kim: You should do that other thing, but also tell people about our podcast.
Sequoia: Everyone. Tell everyone.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: If you trick someone into listening to the podcast, I want to hear about it, honestly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Tweet at us, send us an email, tell us that you made somebody listen to squid content on a first date and they liked it.
Kim: Yikes. Yikes. Is that a good sign?
Sequoia: I love it. I love it. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know! I want to hear more! I want to know how this goes.
Kim: Forever Crumbly.
Sequoia: Trick everyone, and let us know about your good, good tricks.
Kim: Hell yeah. You can also drop us a review on iTunes or Facebook. That really helps us out. Or check us out on Patreon!
Sequoia: We have a few different tiers on Patreon. We’ve got Discord tier. Come hang out. They’re doing some stuff over there. They’re doing… they’re reading fanfictions on the audio channel for each other.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: There’s all sorts of fun stuff going on there. Like, so much that I can’t even keep track of it. We’ve also got bonus content, our bonus livestreams, bonus episodes of the podcast. We’ve got bonus exclusive merch. Our shing shing machetes pin just went out and that was really fun, so go on and join us over on Patreon. It’s a good, good time. And if you join Patreon at certain tiers for six months, we will give you a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary. And Kim’s going to do that for us here today.
Kim: Yes, I am. After the first big snow of the year, the seventh year Transfiguration class finds themselves with an unusual assignment. After each creating a snowy sculpture, they set about the complex magic to animate their creations.
Sequoia: Ooh!
Kim: Naturally, Cho finishes first. Transfiguration has always been one of her strongest subjects. As her spell takes hold, she finds herself captivated by the snow person's crystalline blue eyes and their smooth white skin, and she finds that she cannot look away. Soon Cho is spending all of her time outside with her new icy lover! [Sequoia laughs] But… but with unseasonably warm days coming up in the forecast, will Cho be able to find an everlasting ice charm in time?
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Or will she have to wave goodbye while trying not to cry and hope that her snow person can come back to her again some day?
Sequoia: [laughs] What?!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Oh jeez. Okay.
Kim: What? I wrote that for everyone!
Sequoia: [laughing] Thank you so much to our patrons Max, Jessie Krejeckie, Yoki Moody, Maya Duncan, Eva, Teguen Elliott, and Ulrich Schult.
Kim: Our apologies as always if we just butchered your name. [Sequoia laughs] But also thank you so much for supporting us. Your support really means a lot to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for our theme song. It is their amazing song Wolfstar, and if you didn’t know, Revisionist History did meet its fundraising goal!
Kim: Hell yeah it did! And Wolfstar is going to be on that album! They’ve still got the digital downloads and CDs up for sale on their Indiegogo as of today at least. I don’t know if it’s still around. Probably is. So go check those out! Wolfstar is going to be on it! We love Wolfstar!
Sequoia: Thank you so much to the Whomping Willows and to our patrons and to all of our listeners for helping us have this crazy, crazy 2020 turn out so fun for the podcast. Bye!
Kim: Bye!