Episode 91: Study/The Prank
Recommendation: Meeting Teddy
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3676115/1/Meeting-Teddy
Kim: What is your Thanksgiving side OTP? Like, relationship.
Sequoia: Oh, stuffing and mashed potatoes. Easy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You think they have real chemistry?
Sequoia: Yeah, they… they… in fact they don't even work apart, really. They have to be together.
Kim: So, kind of like a…
Sequoia: To really work for me.
Kim: Like a friends to lovers kind of thing?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Where does gravy fit in?
Sequoia: No. No gravy. No gravy.
Kim: The home wrecker! [Sequoia laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: But before it's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, we talk about some bullshit.
Kim: Yeah. I mean, it's not necessarily unrelated to the fanfiction. [Sequoia laughs] It’s part of being… whatever.
Sequoia: So we just wanted to thank you all for letting us have our nice week off.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That we definitely did on purpose.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And planned beforehand.
Kim: Uh huh. We didn’t… we definitely didn't try to record both the weekend before and the weekend after the election, only to realize that we were not going to produce anything listenable. [Sequoia laughs] It’s definitely what… not what happened.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no, never in a million years. We're very well organized, and…
Kim: We definitely are so in touch with ourselves and our own emotions that we know [Sequoia laughs] when we're being really crushed with anxiety about the political situation in our country. And we know that it's hard to be funny at those times. In advance!
Sequoia: Imagine our… our voting plugs, but as a WHOLE episode. [laughs] [Kim fake cries] That would have been a disaster!
Kim: Whooo! So we're sorry that we didn't have an episode on time, but the way our schedules lined up, it was not going to be listenable. So…
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: …now we’re here.
Sequoia: So here we are! Yeah.
Kim: We've had a little bit of time to remember how to breathe. [Sequoia laughs] I'm mostly breathing now.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. I'd say eighty, seventy five percent.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: Speaking of percentages… nope, that's a bad segue, but I’m gonna do it anyway.
Kim: Wow. Wow. [Sequoia laughs] This is incredible. You have two podcasts? You’re so professional.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Fuck off!
Kim: The skill.
Sequoia: [laughs] We are, as per our tradition… [Kim splutters] this isn't… I mean, it is a tradition? It's a tradition. Eh. Is it a tradition or is it a bit? It’s both. It’s a tradition and a bit.
Kim: It’s the traditional bit.
Sequoia: [laughs] We are doing a HOT DEAL!
Kim: It's that time of year again, everybody. [Sequoia laughs] Cyber Monday's coming up!
Sequoia: [laughing] And it's time for those hot deals.
Kim: Hot. Hot. Deals. Too. Hot. To. Handle. [Sequoia continues laughing] If you go to our website, starting today, and we're gonna run this through until next Monday, all of our merchandise on our website is twenty five percent off if you use the code HOTDEALZ, with a Z. [laughs]
Sequoia: H-O-T-D-E-A-L-Z. HOTDEALZ! [both laugh quietly] I have a problem. I'm addicted to the bit.
Kim: We lose money on this bit!
Sequoia: We lose money on this bit, and I can't help it. I can't help it.
Kim: Fine. Great.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whooo! And also…
Kim: Fine and great.
Sequoia: …we've got some social media stuff to shout out. You have been sending us pictures of hill sized mountains! [both laugh] I don't know what to say other than that thank you. Thank you. [both laugh]
Kim: Got some good… we got some good local fun facts alongside those hill sized mountain pics.
Sequoia: That's true. There is one hill that you go to and if you climb to the top of it without looking back, then you can make a wish.
Kim: Any wish?!
Sequoia: Any wish. And this listener said that they did it and their wish came true, so I…
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: Yeah, so I'm… I’m all about going to this particular hill sized mountain and making a wish.
Kim: Nice. Do you want to shout out some more locations?
Sequoia: [laughs] Do I want to shout out some more locations? That's a great question. Tweet at us frooom Australia.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: New Zealand.
Kim: Uh huh. You’ve definitely talked about these places before.
Sequoia: Have I? Any island.
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia laughs] I was gonna say, the bit is that you ask for places and then I say something stupid. That’s the new bit! You broke the new bit already!
Sequoia: Oh, I'm sorry. [laughs] [Kim sighs] I’m sorry. Do you want to say it?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Okay, fine. [laughs] Then I guess that announcement’s over. Next announcement. Next social media shout out/announcement. We finished up our Hallowe’en writing competition. Our patrons did, over on our Patreon Discord.
Kim: Pew, pew, pew, pew! There were a lot of winners? Everyone was a winner?
Sequoia: Yeah, well, we had twenty six entries. [Kim laughs] I couldn't… I couldn't pick four. That was not going to happen. I had to give away special… I have to give away some… some… some sp…
Kim: The categories you came up with were very good. I'm very proud of you.
Sequoia: I did some special awards. Gave away some extra points.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I had weirdest pairing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Which was Neville/the ghost of Ariana Dumbledore aged up for romantic purposes. Crazy town. I loved it.
Kim: The Discord is very good at what they do. If you want to see these amazing well done stories, they're posting them on AO3, under… I think they're tagging them with the podcast tag.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Fanatical Fics tag. And then they're also… there's a collection of them that's happening. I think we'll post a link in the description.
Sequoia: Yeah, we'll do that.
Kim: So go check them out. Our Discord is very silly.
Sequoia: And, so now it's time for us to read fanfiction. And when I say us, I mean you. To me. Read it to me.
Kim: Correct. I have two for us today.
Sequoia: Noice! That's a lot of pointportunities for me, and I really need them.
Kim: These are both listener submissions. Thank you very much.
Sequoia: Yay!
Kim: This first story was sent to me by Marigold. So thank you, Marigold.
Sequoia: Thank you, Marigold.
Kim: It's called Study. It's from pre Order of the Phoenix. [Sequoia groans] And it is… I tagged this one [dramatically] romance!
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s called Study?
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: All right. Here we go. Prediction number one. This is Harmony.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: Prediction number two. The main characters, the romantic opposites, will kiss in the library.
Kim: Uh huh. Okay.
Sequoia: And prediction number three. We will get a full name of a textbook that was not given to us in canon.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There will be a new textbook.
Kim: All right. Those are good tries. The author did you NO favors here.
Sequoia: Goddamnit. [laughs] Goddamnit!
Kim: None at all. Just no favors.
Sequoia: This is… all right, fine. I got zero points. Read me the fucking story!
Kim: [dramatically] Study! Pansy was brought up to be married off at the earliest possible convenience to some rich boy.
Sequoia: Pansy. This is already not where I thought it was going.
Kim: Would you say that's true? I think there's probably more than… that's probably not the ONLY reason she was brought up.
Sequoia: [laughs] She was brought up because there has to be an heir. The family name must go on. In these… in these…
Kim: That's not what's gonna happen.
Sequoia: …pureblood families… [laughs]
Kim: They take their husband's name. What are you talking about?
Sequoia: I mean, the bloodline.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: The bloodline must continue.
Kim: The pureblood bloodline. Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Before attending Hogwarts, she was taught proper manners for her class, and some things about dinner parties and the like. [Sequoia laughs] You know. Rich people things.
Sequoia: Yeah. Rich people stuff. They have multiple forks.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You gotta know which fork to use in which scenario.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Do they have multiple spoons, too?
Kim: Do you think they do show riding, but with broomsticks?
Sequoia: Ooohhh! Do you think that they have like… like, you know, like dog shows…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …you train your dog to do the little jumps and stuff?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Do you think they have that, but like with magical creatures?
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, like dragons or…
Kim: Magical dog show. [Sequoia laughs] There is just a magical dog.
Sequoia: Magical dog show. [Kim laughs] Excellent. Dinner party, forks, spoons, magical dog show. [both laugh] [both sigh]
Kim: During the summer of her sixth year, however, a new class was added to the subjects her mother was to instruct her on during the summer holidays. A class about seduction.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez! Oooh, is she going to get a fan? [both laugh]
Kim: Is that what you think seduction is?
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Are you really asking me that?
Kim: Ah ha ha ha.
Sequoia: I just think it sucks that she has to take classes during summer too, man.
Kim: Yeah, life's hard when you're Pansy.
Sequoia: [sighs] Yeah. Can't… can’t get married off if you don't take the right classes during the summer from your mom?
Kim: [laughs] Her mom’s… her mom’s gonna teach her the art of seduction.
Sequoia: Weird!
Kim: Oh, that’s grim. That’s grim.
Sequoia: That’s weird! I don't like that.
Kim: Yeah, I don't know that… I guess we don't know anything about Ms Parkinson.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I could see Ms Zabini doing that, am I right?
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] It’s… that class is more…
Kim: [drawling] Now Blaise, I’m here to teach you today…
Sequoia: That is more the art of seduction followed by murder.
Kim: Well, yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Those come together in that class.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: This class seems more like seduction and then…
Kim: Marriage.
Sequoia: …some sort of planned dinner parties and…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …magical dog shows forever.
Kim: [laughs] Dog and pony… magical dog and magical pony shows. [Sequoia laughs] For two months, Pansy learned everything she could about maturely going about seducing a person.
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: She also found herself presented with a problem. All these ways, they were directed just towards men. [Sequoia laughs] None of them seemed to be directed towards women.
Sequoia: Uh mom.
Kim: Mom, why aren’t you teaching me how to seduce ladies? [Sequoia laughs] Mo… mom. Are we gonna get to ladies later, mom?
Sequoia: [laughs] I do love that she's confused by it. [Kim laughs] It’s like, that's… that has very big like, no but everybody… everyone likes girls.
Kim: All wizards are gay?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs] This is good all wizards are gay energy.
Kim: [laughing] It is. Everyone likes girls, mom.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Right?
Sequioa: Right?
Kim: We all like girls here?
Sequoia: Mom?
Kim: Right? [both laugh] She was puzzled by this for a bit. She is confused about it.
Sequoia: Yeah. She is confused. [chuckles quietly]
Kim: So good. This is a useless lesbian if I've ever seen one. [Sequoia laughs] On one hand, she didn't mind knowing all the man focused skills. They were useful. But, well, to be quite frank, it wasn't as much fun or as thrilling as it would be to seduce a woman, nor did it appeal to her as much. [Sequoia laughs loudly] [someone claps] Yes!
Sequoia: She’s like, yeah, I mean, sure. It's useful to like, be able to get men to do bidding or whatever…
Kim: Mhm
Sequoia: …but I don't actually want to hang out with them. [both laugh]
Kim: You know, what’d be more THRILLING, what’s more EXCITING, [Sequoia laughs] for REASONS.
Sequoia: Those are good… those are good words.
Kim: REASONS!
Sequoia: Hmmm? Mom?
Kim: Mom? [both laugh] Mom?
Sequoia: Mom?
Kim: [laughs] Oh, my goodness. Now let us flash forward, oh, say, five years.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Pansy is a woman of about twenty one years,
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: Grown into her looks, but still unmarried.
Sequoia: [gasps] First of all, how dare!
Kim: How dare!
Sequoia: And second of all… yeah. [laughs] I love a good post Hogwarts Pansy.
Kim: Yeah. What is this? What is this?
Sequoia: Excellent! Good.
Kim: She is editor at large for Yes!!
Both: GLITTERRRRR!!! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Or whatever. That's why she's not married. She's busy.
Sequoia: Right. She's a career woman.
Kim: Her mother seemed rather disappointed, but figured that Pansy would eventually marry some filthy rich wizard. Oh, Pansy’s mom. Oh, Pansy’s mom. How have you not noticed? Pansy’s mom, how have you not noticed?! [laughs]
Sequoia: There's also literally only five of them.
Kim: Yeah, there's like ten wizards.
Sequoia: Yes, so you’re just… they're getting snatched up.
Kim: They're already taken. What? [Sequoia chuckles] Pansy loved to take walks. Not long hikes, mind you, just a short walk in some odd foreign place, ending with apparating home for tea.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Maybe she's like… like a foreign travel correspondent.
Sequoia: Ooh, I like that.
Kim: For Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: For… yeah. Clearly. [laughs]
Kim: The Yes!! Glitter!!! Travel section.
Sequoia: Goes without saying, yeah.
Kim: Hm. Okay. Virginia Weasley. [Sequoia gasps] Now, she might not be the most likely person for you to think of in connection with Pansy. However, the important thing is that they both liked walks.
Sequoia: Mmm! Mhmmmm!
Kim: They both enjoy walking!
Sequoia: Waaalking. With…
Kim: Hand in hand.
Sequoia: …other…
Kim: With a lady.
Sequoia: …women. [laughs] I can’t… it’s… that’s so good on two levels.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: One, what the fuck?
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: And two… and two. [singing] Virginia!
Kim: Okay, I finally went ahead and looked this up.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: In the text…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …we actually don't get Ginevra until book seven.
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Really?
Kim: She doesn’t get called Ginevra in text until book seven. From what the internet told me. I did not remember this fact. But… but we, as a fandom, got Ginevra mid 2004, or at some point in 2004.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: From the author.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: So we have been extremely unfair to all of these poor fanfiction authors.
Sequoia: Wow. Oh, I feel so mean now.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I'm sorry.
Kim: I'm not. [Sequoia laughs] Never sorry.
Sequoia: I am glad you looked that up, though.
Kim: Yeah. Gonna miss that bit.
Sequoia: Now we know. The more you know. [sighs] Anyway, this is still bonkers.
Kim: Oh, yeah! [Sequoia laughs] Virginia and Pansy both like walks, if you know what I mean!
Sequoia: You know? You know? Walks?
Kim: No, I don't know what you mean. What? What does that mean?
Sequoia: Walks.
Kim: What?! [both laugh] Virginia, or Ginny, as she is often called, liked…
Sequoia: Mostly.
Kim: Yep. Liked nothing better than to walk along a body of water, be it a pond or the sea.
Sequoia: [laughs] Or a bathtub. [Kim laughs] Just walks in circles around her bathtub. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes. [both continue to laugh] Yes.
Sequoia: A puddle. [both laugh again]
Kim: Ginny was walking one day when something happened. She fell.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. [laughs]
Kim: You may observe there are many types… and this is the author. I like this section a lot. You may observe there are many types of falling. There is the actual physical state of falling, generally a downward movement produced by gravity. And then there's that falling into an emotional state, commonly love. As such, to leave off with “she fell” isn't sufficient. Rather, we shall have to identify what we mean by falling. She fell in both ways, but not both at once. That shit’s really good.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s so good!
Kim: It is really good.
Sequoia: Wait.
Kim: This pairing is very silly, but I think this author is doing a very good job of it.
Sequoia: That's… that’s very good.
Kim: The walk part, maybe a little bit separated, but [both laugh] that section is just very good.
Sequoia: That is very cute.
Kim: Kind of had like Lemony Snickety vibes to me.
Sequoia: Oh! No, it totally does.
Kim: Love that. Physically, her foot slipped on damp grass, and she fell from the upper bank to the lower bank, nearly crushing a rather peeved Pansy in the process. Squish.
Sequoia: I like that they've found themselves walking around the same random body of water.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Even though it seems like Pansy just apparates to like…
Kim: Somewhere.
Sequoia: …wherever!
Kim: Yep. [Sequoia laughs] Somewhere.
Sequoia: She just goes wherever, and they happen to be in the same place at the same time.
Kim: Hmmmm. HMMMM.
Sequoia: How serendipitous.
Kim: HMMMMMM. [both laugh] After a few moments, Pansy shrieked and threw Ginny off of her, promptly slipping and falling into the river. [Sequoia gasps] Now, Virginia wasn't a mean spirited girl. She, being the person she was, thought quickly, and Pansy shot back up to the bank, her clothes immediately dry. My hero.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: You're my hero. My hero! [Sequoia laughs] Ginevra. Virginia. You saved me…
Sequoia: Oh, thank you.
Kim: …from getting wet
Sequoia: Let’s take a walk.
Kim: Hmm, let’s walk?
Sequoia: [laughs] I like that it took a minute for her to realize what was going on, though.
Kim: Yeah, somebody fell on top of her, squishing her.
Sequoia: And then she was like, huh, this seems…
Kim: This is kinda ni…
Sequoia: Wait, am I… am…
Kim: Ooh, this is soft, and nice and… what?
Sequoia: I mean, AAAHH! [both laugh] GET OFF OF ME!
Kim: Don’t touch me! I’m Pansy! [Sequoia laughs] Glaring at the other woman, Pansy hid behind her now messy hair. “Who the hell are you?” This disturbed Ginny. Surely, Pansy would recognize a Weasley.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: And you guys went to school together.
Kim: I mean, they weren’t in the same year and Pansy’s pretty self absorbed.
Sequoia: That's… that's valid. That's valid. But isn't… isn't Ginny like a… I don't know.
Kim: She's something. She's, like, twenty. She's doing something with her life.
Sequoia: Yeah. And Weasleys are very noticeable.
Kim: She may not be wearing hand me down robes, which… which would throw you off a little bit, though.
Sequoia: And a stupid complexion. [both laugh]
Kim: Can’t do anything about the complexion. Surely Pansy would recognize a Weasley, but then again, maybe not?
Sequoia: Would she?
Kim: “My name is Virginia. I don't use my last name any more.”
Sequoia: What? [laughs loudly] No, just end the sentence.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Just say your first name and then stop talking.
Kim: Yuuup! [laughs] It’s nothing. Ginny, that’s nothing.
Sequoia: My name is Virginia and I don't remember my last name. I have amnesia. [both laugh] My name is Virginia and I never had a last name.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: It's always just been that. Just Virginia.
Kim: It was not entirely a lie, as she never used the name Weasley in a byline. Which I think means…
Sequoia: She’s a writer for…
Kim: Also a writer for…
Both: …YES!! GLITTER!!! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Incredible. [both keep laughing]
Kim: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. “Virginia, eh?” Pansy quickly surveyed the situation. Really, this Virginia was rather pretty if you liked red hair. Something struggled to click in the back of her mind, but something else came to the front first. “Walk me home?”
Sequoia: Oh! A WALK?!
Kim: A WALK?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, you and me…
Both: …WALKING?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Stupid.
Kim: That’s the end.
Sequoia: That’s the end?!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What the fuck?! [laughs]
Kim: It’s some pre slash.
Sequoia: [groans] Fine! [Kim chuckles] Rude.
Kim: There we go. That's a pretty good rare pair, isn't it?
Sequoia: [laughs] That is… that is a… an extremely rare pair.
Kim: I like it.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, do I like it? No, that’s a terrible ship.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: But I do like it. [both laugh]
Kim: Let me like my terrible ships. Look.
Sequoia: That's a terrible ship and I like it.
Kim: They're both extremely likely to be written as doing a business in any fanfiction. [Sequoia laughs] There's a lot of overlap here that we could really build something off of.
Sequoia: They could… they could own a business together.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Any business.
Kim: Any business. A magazine business.
Sequoia: Yes!! Glitter!!! [chuckles]
Kim: Do we talk about Yes!! Glitter!!! too much? Look.
Sequoia: Yeah, probably. I don't know. What's too much? [both laugh]
Kim: Oh dear.
Sequoia: All right. What else you got for me?
Kim: All righty, this next one is called The Prank.
Sequoia: Oh! Wait a second. Hold, please.
Kim: Uh oh. Uh oh. what?
Sequoia: That was called Study?!
Kim: Oh. Yeah. [laughs loudly]
Sequoia: Fucking rude!
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah, bud.
Sequoia: Wait a second!
Kim: Yeah, bud.
Sequoia: I’m mad!
Kim: Yeah, bud.
Sequoia: [sighs deeply] Okay.
Kim: That’s an author that couldn’t come up with a title and just put a word in.
Sequoia: Wrote a word.
Both: Any word. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Fine. Okay. What's this new one called? I'll make sure to not use it at all in my predictions. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s probably smart. This next one is called The Prank. It is post Half Blood Prince. The genre is humor, and this one was also sent to me by a listener, so thank you Treirina. Oh, that might have been too much of a hint. Treirina is pretty active on our Discord.
Sequoia: Oh, fuck!
Kim: Do not take that into account. Fuck me!
Sequoia: Oh, fuck! I know what this is!
Kim: Fuck me. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Oh, fuck!
Sequoia: Prediction number one!
Kim: No!
Sequoia: This is Tomarry!
Kim: Nooooo!
Sequoia: [laughs at length] I get to keep that. I get to keep that.
Kim: Fuck me.
Sequoia: I get to keep that… that point. [laughs] Prediction number two. There’s time travel.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Prediction number three. Can I say there is aging or deaging for romantic purposes?
Kim: You’ve already said time travel.
Sequoia: That’s not that… that… that could be, but there could be… but it could be a non time travel.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: There. Those are my predictions.
Kim: Here we go! The Prank! [both laugh] It's all over. We've lost. The world's going to be taken over by Lord Voldemort.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh, no!
Kim: These were the thoughts that were running through Harry Potter's head as he looked into the glowing red eyes of the man, no, monster, that had defeated him.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh no!
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Oh no, Harry!
Kim: Harry, nooo!
Sequoia: You have to save everyone. You have to go back in time [laughs] and save everyone. [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid. [both laugh] [both sigh] Tom Marvolo Riddle was the victor. All that was left for him to do was to die and the world would be faced by the most evil thing to ever be created. [Sequoia gasps] [pause] [high, dramatic voice, used for Voldemort throughout] “My last words to you, Harry Potter…” [both laugh]
Sequoia: How do I forget every time?!
Kim: I don't know, man. [Sequoia groans] “My last words to you, Harry Potter are… April Foools!”
Sequoia: Oh, god! [laughing] Oh, god, no!
Kim: This is tagged humor, my dude.
Sequoia: I know!
Kim: I told you it was very silly. [both laugh] “April Fools!”
Sequoia: [sighs] Oh no!
Kim: With that, the evil Lord Voldemort tore off his realistic mask and revealed the seventy six year old Tom Riddle, complete with dark blue eyes and graying black hair.
Sequoia: Oh. Ohhh!
Kim: [laughs] I wasn’t hideous at all!
Sequoia: [laughing] Never. Not once. I’ve looked like this whole time.
Kim: The whole time. I chose to look like that other thing.
Sequoia: [squeaks] It was… it was like… that's a really elaborate April Fool's joke.
Kim: You think… you think it's elaborate NOW? We got miles to go. [Sequoia laughs] “Wha…?” was all Harry could say.
Sequoia: [laughs] Me too, Harry.
Kim: His vocabulary was very basic anyway, so no one took it as a surprise.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: The story takes the… the, like, humor story tact of dunking on Harry constantly.
Sequoia: [laughs] I do enjoy dunking on Harry.
Kim: What? No.
Sequoia: He only knows one spell! [both laugh]
Kim: He watched the Dark Lord that everyone feared, who was now laughing like a madman. “What the bloody hell is happening?” [Sequoia laughs] he enquired, scratching his head. Tom was reminded of a troll or, perhaps, Ron.
Sequoia: Wow! [laughs]
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: Also Ron bashing. I see. I see.
Kim: Yeah. We got some Ron bashing in here, too. Ron’s not even here. Like, fuck off.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: “We can probably tell you that,” a Death Eater said, coming forward and taking off his mask. [Sequoia gasps] He beckoned for another Death Eater to come forward before he turned around.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: This shocked everyone…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …as standing before them… you want to make a guess?
Sequoia: His parents.
Kim: Were the long thought dead Lily and James Potter.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! This is so fucked! [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Got ‘em! [Sequoia continues to laugh] You got PRANKED, Harry! We ruined your whole life! April Fools!
Sequoia: Oh, my god, who was host of that show? Where's Ashton? [both laugh]
Kim: Sure. Harry's, like, it's not even April. What? [Sequoia laughs] What?!
Sequoia: Wow, wow. Wow. Wow. Okay. Continue.
Kim: [getting higher and higher pitched] “Mom? Dad? What the hell is happening? Aren't you supposed to be dead? And why did you become Death Eaters?! Why did you abandon me like that?!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Aw, poor Harry.
Kim: Author's coming back at him. Harry screamed this long, somewhat unintelligent, stream of questions at his parents.
Sequoia: [laughing] Wait. No! No, that makes total and complete sense.
Kim: Yeah. Author, all those sentences were fine. Come on. Don't be mean.
Sequoia: All those sentences were fine. And all those sentences were expected? Normal? Valid?
Kim: [laughs] He screamed this long stream of questions at his parents, who were calmly standing in front of him. It was probably some mistake of the biological order of things that he was, in fact, their son.
Sequoia: Wow. They hate him?
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause he's asking stupid questions.
Sequoia: That's not a stupid question.
Kim: [mumbling] Yeah, none of those questions are…
Sequoia: None of these questions are stupid questions.
Kim: [still mumbling] None of those are stupid questions.
Sequoia: Why did you do this? This seems like a weird joke. [both laugh]
Kim: “Now, Harry, don't get this way. There's nothing wrong with what we're doing. Is there, honey?” [valley girl voice, used for Lily throughout] “No, James, darling. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun. [Sequoia laughs] Everyone needs to have some fun.”
Sequoia: Oh, my god. This is a horror film.
Kim: [screaming] “FUN AND MURDER ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS!” [Sequoia laughs] Harry screamed at them, rather loudly.
Sequoia: Listen. He’s not wrong.
Kim: [quietly] No.
Sequoia: I just like… I’m trying to imagine how this cooked up. You know.
Kim: By the author or by… by Tom?
Sequoia: By the perpetrators. Like, you know…
Kim: They just thought it’d be funny.
Sequoia: Tom… Tom was like…
Kim: They’re playing poker one night and…
Sequoia: [laughs] Tom and James were BFFs.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And, you know, Lily was like, I'm pregnant. And they were like, oh, that's so exciting!
Kim: Oh! We gotta punk the baby!
Sequoia: We gotta punk the baby! [laughs]
Kim: Fuck that baby!
Sequoia: [still laughing] Lily and James are like…
Kim: Let’s ruin its life!
Sequoia: …man, but we're so young and we still want to, like, travel.
Kim: Uh huh. Oh god!
Sequoia: You know. [laughs] So we'll just punk the baby. It's okay to want to have some fun.
Kim: [laughing helplessly] Everyone has fun sometimes.
Sequoia: [laughing] Everybody has fun sometimes.
Kim: She did say everyone needs to have some fun? Oh my god.
Sequoia: Everyone needs to have some fun, and we needed to, you know, take another sixteen years before we [laughing] really took a crack at this parenting thing. [both cry laugh] Whooo! Okay.
Kim: Horrible. I like it.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: All right. Harry's just screamed that fun and murder are completely different things.
Sequoia: Correct.
Kim: “Murder? Who said anything about murder, Harry?” asked Tom…
Sequoia: A fake murder.
Kim: …as he came up to them, his midnight blue eyes flashing dangerously.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: I mean, they have murdered… apparently murdered a lot of people.
Sequoia: I think I…
Kim: At this point.
Sequoia: I mean, at this point, I would hope that all of them were fake mur… like, this is just, like, a really, really fucking intricate prank. [Kim laughs] And they're all just gonna…
Kim: So many people are dead.
Sequoia: They’re all Death Eaters.
Kim: What about Cedric?
Sequoia: He’s a Death… he’s a fake Death Eater. He was in on it.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: He was in on it the whole time. [Kim laughs] This is the only scenario in which I buy Cedric as a Death Eater. [both laugh]
Kim: What about Sirius? Oh, he's a master pranksman. All right, fine.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's all one big, giant, intricate prank. No one's been murdered. Continue.
Kim: [Lily voice] “If you think that any of us would murder someone, then you don't know anything about us.”
Sequoia: [screaming] Of course he doesn’t! [both laugh] You a-holes!
Kim: “You see, son, on the night we were supposedly murdered, Tommy here sent us a note about how he had come up with the prank. It was the opportunity of a lifetime to be in on one of the biggest pranks in the world. Don't you think?” James grinned goofily. [Sequoia makes a wobbly sound] Okay, so is Dumbledore in on this prank, or have they actually been killing Death Eaters the whole time?
Sequoia: Yeah. Because that's the thing, is like, what? [both laugh]
Kim: Are they all just pranking Harry?
Sequoia: Because that's, like, a huge… that's a… that's a really long wait for a pay off.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You gotta wait for him to get old enough to even understand what's happening before you… before it can even be a prank.
Kim: No, they played out the whole war until Harry loses.
Sequoia: Oh, that's it. Their prank was that he ends up losing the war?
Kim: Well, they… they continued the prank until Harry thought he had lost.
Sequoia: [quietly] Oh my god.
Kim: Are they just pranking Harry, or is this a prank on the whole wizarding world and Death Eaters have actually been getting killed? I gotta know.
Sequoia: It gotta just… okay, yeah. Keep… keep… keep going.
Kim: Oh! Right. [Sequoia laughs] Guess I made it clear that I don't get that answer. Fine. Whatever. [Sequoia laughs again] “We've been making everyone think there was the Dark Lord on the loose with the typical I was brought up badly, I hate Muggles, yada, yada, yada. You understand now?” asked Lily pleasantly.
Sequoia: But…
Kim: “Hell, you didn't even get hit by a tickle charm, let alone the killing curse,” mused James.
Sequoia: We just tattooed your little baby forehead! [laughs]
Kim: “Then how on earth did I get this scar?” asked Harry…
Sequoia: [quietly] They tattooed it on him. They tattooed it on him.
Kim: …pointing at the lightning bolt shape scar on his forehead confusedly.
Sequoia: It’s a tattoo.
Kim: “We used Magic Marker.”
Sequoia: [scoffs] Eeeghhhh!
Kim: “Useful stuff, that .” Eeeegghh!
Sequoia: Maaaagiiiic.
Kim: It’s the ma… ‘cause it’s the magic and the ma…
Sequoia: Markeeeeerrrrr! [laughs]
Kim: “Useful stuff, that turns into whatever you want it to be.” I don't know what that means.
Sequoia: What is that?
Kim: Do they mean that you can draw anything?
Sequoia: Maybe? ‘Cause what it sounds like they're saying, is that the marker itself…
Kim: Turned into a scar.
Sequoia: Turned into a scar.
Kim: Can you turn it into any… never mind. It's not important, I guess. [Sequoia laughs] They have Magic Marker; it turns into anything. “And, as you can guess, we chose a lightning bolt shaped scar. Lily wanted it to be a love heart, but Tom and me told her that would make you look wimpy if you had a heart on your head, so we chose a lightning bolt.” Because they didn't want to mess up his life too bad, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yeah, that… if he looked wimpy…
Kim: Couldn’t have him…
Sequoia: …that would be going too far.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: That's one step too far. One step they were not willing to take.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: One step his mom was willing to take.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: But not Tom.
Kim: No, we have to draw a heart because we love him!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No, honey.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: It’s gotta be something MANLY!
Both: Like a LIGHTING BOLT! [both laugh]
Kim: “Then why does it hurt whenever I'm near Voldemort, and why do I get visions of what he's doing when I go to sleep?” Harry enquired this delicately, still trying to prove that it wasn't a prank.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, you'd have to. That's your immediate defence mechanism, is, like, no, no, no, no, no.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no, no. This is not… no way.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no, no. This couldn’t possibly…
Kim: No way. What the fuck? This can’t be.
Sequoia: [chuckles] This can’t be. You didn’t. [laughs]
Kim: “It does?” James blanched in surprise. “Let me see it.” He walked up and took a good look at the scar. When he thought, he made grunting noises. Lily and Tom rolled their eyes. We’re dunking on James, too. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Classic James.
Kim: Stupid James…
Sequoia: [quietly] Stupid James.
Kim: …Harry, and Ron. All three of them. Duh!
Sequoia: He’s thinking. Ugh! Blehg! Megh! Grrwr!
Kim: Are those James’s thinking noises?
Sequoia: That’s his thinking. Mergh! Brrg! Menh!
Kim: [laughs] No one does that. That’s nothing!
Sequoia: I dunno! [laughs]
Kim: I don't know what thinking grunting noises would be. You’re right. [Sequoia laughs] “Well, the visions were just your normal dreams, kiddo. And it hurt because, by the looks of things, you're allergic to Magic Marker. Sorry about that. [Sequoia laughs] Give me a second and I’ll remove it.”
Sequoia: Jesus! [Kim laughs] Did he become a healer in his… the sixteen years that he's been…
Kim: I mean, Harry’s got this big rash or whatever.
Sequoia: …ignoring his child? [chuckles]
Kim: Maybe. He’s seen Magic Marker allergies before because he used to draw on everyone because he's always been quite the prankster. [Sequoia laughs] Mostly dicks on Sirius’s face.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, who wouldn't?
Kim: [chuckles] Remus’s face. [both laugh] Remus is passed out from transforming and having a traumatic experience, and he wakes up with dicks all over his face.
Sequoia: Dicks on his face! [both laugh] Classic James! [both keep laughing]
Kim: This is horrible. I hate adding that to the… to the… [Sequoia laughs] to the ether. Hate that I’ve done that. My apologies, everyone! What was I saying? Oh. “Hey, Tom,” James shouted, “You got any Magic Marker remover? It looks like Harry's allergic to Magic Marker.” “Yes, catch.” Tom threw an eraser type object to James, who caught it left handedly. “Now, Harry, stand still and that scar will be gone in a jiffy.” James brandished the eraser importantly, then rubbed it across the oddly shaped scar. “There. No more lightning bolt scar on your head. Though, personally, I would have kept it. It looked wicked.”
Sequoia: But he was allergic!
Kim: What’s a little allergy between friends and looking badass? [both laugh] “Okay, if this was a prank, how the hell did you become that little snake kitty thing? And how did you rise out of that cauldron thingy?” Harry asked.
Sequoia: [laughs] It was a projector.
Kim: He was starting to believe that it was a prank and that everything would be perfect soon, and maybe he'd be happier.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: The whole emo teenager mood had been beginning to bother him.
Sequoia: [laughs] Would be nice to be happy, said Harry.
Kim: I don’t know. He wasn't that, like, emo in sixth book.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Was he? All I remember is how obsessive and weird he was about Draco. That’s, like, it. That’s… that's the only memory I’ve retained, apparently.
Sequoia: I mean, he was a little bit.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Mostly I think there's probably just a lot has happened to him since then. You know…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: He just lost a war.
Kim: Yeah. That’s true.
Sequoia: And then found out that it wasn't real.
Kim: Yeah. He's so tired of being so emo all the time, now.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Have you ever heard of a little thing called special effects? They really help when you need to make something look absolutely spectacular! Was it really so good that it fooled everyone?”
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Tom smiled and looked around at all the people who were nodding their heads in surprise. [Sequoia laughs] “Well…”
Sequoia: So it wasn’t just Harry.
Kim: Yeah, I guess there are some other people who were spread… whoever else… yeah, these other people.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Okay. The people.
Sequoia: Some… some people. Hermione.
Kim: I think they were actually, like, I think this is maybe implying that the Order wasn't in on it.
Sequoia: Then they just murdered a bunch of people who were playing a prank?
Kim: Commitment to a bit, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] Gotta commit. They're in it to win it.
Sequoia: I'd like to go on record to say… and say that I will not die for the bit, okay? [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, same. “Wow, maybe I should give the special effects artists a pay raise,” he cackled to himself. Suddenly…
Sequoia: He keeps them on staff?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: They keep them on staff all the time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s a good… is that union work? All right, continue. I’m sorry. [laughs loudly]
Kim: Who knows when he's gonna need some special effects?
Sequoia: Not any more. That guy just lost his job. Sorry. [laughs]
Kim: Oh no! Yeah, it's all over.
Sequoia: It’s all over now.
Kim: Hopefully they get a nice severance package. Suddenly, because of all the shock he went through, Harry Potter died of a heart attack. [Sequoia laughs] The end.
Sequoia: What!?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughing quietly] Oh, you fucking… you f… you… you goddamn you.
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: You…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …misled me
Kim: No, I…
Sequoia: …intentionally.
Kim: No, I… it wasn't intentional. It was not intentional.
Sequoia: It was so!
Kim: It was not intentional.
Sequoia: It was so!
Kim: No! It was not! [Sequoia laughs quietly] Treirina has sent me a HUGE block of Voldemort main character fanfictions. [Sequoia sighs] She’s been working very hard. And I’m into it. [laughs]
Sequoia: You made me think it was Tomarry.
Kim: They’re not all Tomarry. They’re not all Tomarry!
Sequoia: You made me…
Kim: They are all Voldemort focused.
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Kim: As was this one.
Sequoia: Mhm. Well, I got zero points in this whole fucking episode.
Kim: [laughs] Maybe the prank was me all along. [Sequoia laughs] It wasn't intentional! Jesus.
Sequoia: Okay. So time for a segment?
Kim: Yeah. What segment are we doing today?
Sequoia: Hm. What segment are we doing today? I think…
Kim: We don't have an intro for this one.
Sequoia: We don't have an intro for this one because we're pulling it out of the vault. We're pulling it out of the vault.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Someone… someone complained the other day in some forum somewhere…
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: …that I hadn't done a Shamequoia in a very long time.
Kim: They’re a limited resource. I thought we had run through them.
Sequoia: Oh! Oh no. Oh no.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: We still got some.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So today, I bring you a Shamequoia.
Kim: For everyone that doesn't remember what that is…
Sequoia: Oh, right. [laughs loudly] We should…
Kim: Do you want to give us a short introduction?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, it's been a while. Shamequoia is the segment in which I recap a fanfiction that I wrote. This one is called Black as a Mother's Heart. [Kim splutters] I'm just gonna let you sit with that for a second. [Kim laughs] This story… this story was written before the release of Deathly Hallows.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And this story is about the child [Kim inhales] of Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange.
Kim: Really?!
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: You did that?!
Sequoia: I did this.
Kim: [high pitched whispering] You did that?!
Sequoia: I did this.
Kim: The fuck was wrong with you?!
Sequoia: I DON’T KNOW! [laughs] Okay. I really wanna… I really… I really need you to get in whatever the fuck my headspace was because I. Do. Not. Know. Okay?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Are. You. Ready? What…
Kim: I mean, you titled this Black as a Mother's Heart. So, like, I think we're getting a bit of a vibe.
Sequoia: Yeah, there's a vibe happening here.
Kim: Some good wordplay happening there, honestly.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you.
Kim: How old were you in this time period?
Sequoia: Oh, I must have written this when I was like thirteen or fourteen?
Kim: Okay. So, like, peak angst?
Sequoia: Yeah. Peak, peak, peak, PEAK angst.
Kim: Peak teen angst?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: And I only wrote five hundred words of this story.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: And… and so I only wrote five hundred words of chapter one.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I need you… this is where I really need you to get into my headspace, here.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because I’m…
Kim: Do you open it with song lyrics?
Sequoia: [taking deep breaths] No, I… the title of chapter one…
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: …is…
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner. [laughs loudly]
Kim: You… you… YOU! [Sequoia continues laughing loudly] You’re a villain! [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: And I almost…
Kim: Do I even know you? [both laugh some more]
Sequoia: This is why I told you I needed your help.
Kim: I can’t help.
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know.
Kim: [high pitched] What do I… what do I do with that? [Sequoia laughs] What the fuck?!
Sequoia: Okay, so I wrote five hundred words of…
Kim: [laughing] Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner.
Sequoia: Nobody… chapter one. Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner. [Kim continues to laugh weakly] Whooo! Oh, my gosh. Okay. Sorry.
Kim: Does the baby dance?
Sequoia: I’m falling apart. So here's the thing. It's just… all I wrote is the scene…
Kim: It’s just the sex scene. [snorts with laughter]
Sequoia: NO! [laughs] OBVIOUSLY NOT! [Kim laughs] All I wrote is the scene… a classroom scene. Like a Muggle classroom scene of a girl with long, black hair that falls over her face, like, Grudge style, [Kim snorts] one eye peeking out.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Who wears all black.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Who sits in the back of the classroom.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: And all the kids avoid her because she freaks them out.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she says… and they say that she hurts them.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she… she… it's time for her to give a presentation. Her name is Ella. [Kim snorts] Get it? BELLAtrix?
Kim: Is her name Ellatrix? [chuckles]
Sequoia: No, I think her n… I think Bellatrix named her Bellatrix. [both laugh]
Kim: Bellatrix junior.
Sequoia: She has a presentation that she has to give.
Kim: A book report?
Sequoia: And for whatever reason, she goes up to the front of the class and some boy trips her.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: And she falls on her face and all the kids laugh at her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she gets up and she stares at them menacingly, and they all stop laughing at her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then she gets to the front of the class, and she gives her presentation and, I don't know what the fuck this [laughing] presentation is. She, and I quote, pulled a tattered news clipping from her pocket.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she starts to speak, and she has a very beautiful voice [Kim laughs] and she's reading this tattered news clipping about the stock market.
Kim: What is this?!
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know.
Kim: This is nothing!
Sequoia: And then… and then the boy…
Kim: And then what?
Sequoia: The boy who tripped her… what?
Kim: And then what? What!?
Sequoia: [laughs] The boy who tripped her starts screaming.
Kim: Because of how boring hearing about the stock market is? Yeah, that's what I do, too.
Sequoia: He pulls his hand out from under his desk, and it's all cut up and spewing blood.
Kim: What the fuck?!
Sequoia: And then she finally looks up and her hair comes away from her eyes.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: And her eyes are black. And that is all I wrote. [both laugh] Of this story.
Kim: [high pitched] Why is she reading about the stock market?
Sequoia: I don’t know! [laughing] Her presentation was just to read a news clipping about the stock market. [both laugh] Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner. Nobody.
Kim: Sequoia!
Sequoia: What? This is what the segment is! [both laugh]
Kim: I mean, yes, but, like, I don't even know what to do with that. Like… [Sequoia laughs] do you have any idea why you would have written that?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Good. [Sequoia laughs] Did you write anything else about the child of Voldemort? Was this a thing you did commonly or…?
Sequoia: No, this is…
Kim: One off?
Sequoia: …way out of character.
Kim: Because we’ve heard… well, I don’t know. We’ve heard two dark fics from you, so far.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true.
Kim: And then, like, a fluff fic.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: That's what we've gotten. You… you… you wrote kind of a mix of stuff.
Sequoia: That's true. I do have a couple other dark ones.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: And then a lot of just, like, really garbage fluff. [Kim laughs] So who knows? Who knows? I was a strange child.
Kim: Weird. Okay. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Sequoia: You're welcome. Just baring my soul here. And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Kim: The recommendation I have for you all today is a sweet story called Meeting Teddy. This was written post Deathly Hallows and it's a story where Harry goes to visit Andromeda and Teddy.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: And it’s really cute.
Sequoia: Cute.
Kim: And I would highly recommend it.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: The link to that's going to be in the description of this episode as well as on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com. On our website, you can also find our story submission form. Both of the stories read on today's pod were from the story submission form.
Kim: They were indeed.
Sequoia: Keep sending us that good, good, shit.
Kim: Also on our website, you can find our hot deals.
Sequoia: [laughs] H-O-T-D-E-A-L-Z! HOTDEALZ.
Kim: Go check out our new bookmark. It's so cool!
Sequoia: It's a perfect purchase for your hot deal.
Kim: Also on our website, there's links to our TeePublic, where there's a ton of other merch on a ton of different items. Oh! Somebody bought a not a squid biologist or a squid biologist mask.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Which is very powerful.
Sequoia: That is fucking bold, and I love it.
Kim: So that's on our TeePublic. They run deals all the time. I don't know what they're doing. They're fine. Go check it out.
Sequoia: It’s like once a month. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media. If you want to tweet at us from any island, we are @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.
Kim: If you want to send us your longer thoughts, shoot us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Send something in for one of our segments. We're still accepting submissions to story time, for example.
Sequoia: If you want to help this… help us out… help us continue making this whatever silly podcast this is, there's a couple ways you can do that. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook. We read them, we love them, you’re incredible.
Kim: Trick. Everyone.
Both: 2020!
Kim: 2020 is coming to a close, everyone, you’ve got to get your final trickeries in before…
Both: …trick everyone 2021…
Kim: …starts!
Sequoia: [laughs] You can get your campaign tools if you email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com with your address.
Kim: Yep. And I mean you don't need the tools.
Sequoia: You don’t need the tools.
Kim: You're all very good at tricking.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Even without the tools.
Sequoia: We believe in you.
Kim: The last way you can support us is to support us on Patreon. We talked a little bit at the top about one of the cool writing competitions we held on there. There's all kinds of other weird shit happening there on the Discord. We got bonus episodes as well. The merch tier’s very fun. We got some cool merch. One of the other things you can get from our Patreon, after a few months you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Sequoia is gonna do now.
Sequoia: There were two things about Sybill Trelawney that, no matter how long you knew her, or how close you thought you might have been, you would never know. One was that she had once followed Fleetwood Mac on an entire year long tour. [Kim snorts] The other was that her dearest dream as a young girl was to become a famous athlete; an all star chaser going all the way to play for England in the World Cup. [Kim laughs] The trouble was, as you might actually know about Sybill if you'd known her for long enough, she was terribly afraid of heights and had never even flown on a broomstick. On the night in question, Sybill finds herself standing in the middle of the Quidditch field, broom in hand, staring up at the stars. As she stares, someone approaches. “Some day you’ll let me teach you how to fly on that thing,” says Madam Hooch.
Kim: [whispering] Yesss.
Sequoia: Will tonight be the night that Sybill finally flies? And will she finally be able to admit her feelings for the pretty flying instructor?
Kim: [whispers] Nice. Shout out to Melissa Alexandra Chandler, Jules and the Pogo Pandas, Mika, Maria, Charlotte Marie and Kevin Colelli. Your support means so much to us.
Sequoia: Thank you, also, to the amazing Whomping Willows for our theme song. It is their song Wolfstar.
Both: BYEEE!