Episode 88: Snake in a Gilded Cage/Voldie's Quest
Recommendation: Sharing the Blame
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2064765/1/Sharing-the-Blame
Kim: As a Slytherin, if you were going to get cursed with, you know…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Let's say that you had to pick what part of you was going to get turned red and gold.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Your hair, skin, or robes. Which one would you pick?
Sequoia: Red and gold?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because I’m a Slytherin and it would be the…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The Gryffindors.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And it would be like, ungh, it’s Gryffindor colors! Okay. Okay. I see. I see, I see, I see. I don't know. I think [sighs] robes is just like a lot of real estate for… for red and gold to be. Like, no.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And skin’s also a lot of real estate, so I might have to go with hair, just based on…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …square footage.
Kim: ‘Cause the spinner landed on hair, skin AND robes!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Fuck you. [laughs some more] [sighs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Theeeem [voice trails off, as though becoming more distant]
Kim: Oh no. Oh no. [Sequoia laughs] Should we stop the pod? Are you okay? [both laugh] It's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast [growing quieter each time] podcast, podcast, podcast.
Sequoia: [growing quieter each time] Podcast, podcast, podcast. Welcome to the pod.
Kim: [quietly] Stupid.
Sequoia: That was a stupid bit. We didn't plan that bit. We just do this…
Kim: Why did you…?
Sequoia: …garbage right off the top of our heads. Ugh.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Before we do the fanfiction part of our fanfiction podcast…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …we do the bullshit part of our fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Right. Do you want to start? [laughs]
Sequoia: First… yes, I do want to start today. Because I've been talking about this on my guests portions of other podcasts.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But I have yet to talk about it on this podcast.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: My… my podcast.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I'm doing a second podcast. [Kim laughs] I have a second podcast. [both laugh] Because I'm insane, because I'm a crazy person, and I was like, you know what I want to do with the two hours of time I have per week left over? [both laugh] Not relax. Why would I do that? I am premiering my second podcast on Hallowe’en.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And it's called But Make It Scary. It is a dark comedy podcast where we take romantic films and turn them into scary movies.
Kim: Now, you say we. We should be clear here…
Sequoia: It's not you. [Kim laughs loudly] But some… but… but only sometimes. [both laugh] It is me and whichever guest I happen to be able to convince to do my stupid podcast.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That week. [laughs] Which will sometimes be you.
Kim: I mean, yeah, undoubtedly. Sometimes it will be me. I mean, I have all this equipment and a lot of free time. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm really excited about it and I'm very nervous, but I’m very excited about it.
Kim: Yes. I've heard the first episode as kind of a teaser and oh, man. I'm excited for all of you to listen as well. It's really good.
Sequoia: Thank you, I…
Kim: You've done some nice… some nice stuff here.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm basically writing fanfiction on a second podcast. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh! It’s AU spooky-verse!
Sequoia: Yeah, spooky-verse fanfiction! [both laugh] If you want to, like, keep updated on that, you can follow @ButMakeItScary on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and I'll be posting updates and teasers and you'll get to find out what the first movie we're going to do is and who the guests are going to be and so just follow over there, and I would appreciate that. Thank you for your time. [laughs]
Kim: Hell yeah! But Make It Scary coming to podcatchers near you on October thirty first!
Sequoia: Woo woo!
Kim: Another announcement is…
Sequoia: As per usual.
Kim: We're gonna keep this… this train… these… this America announcement train going for a little longer. You know…
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: …‘cause we're in hell or whatever. [both laugh] That’s not true.
Sequoia: Hello from America. We're in hell. If you're in hell too, please vote.
Kim: So this episode drops October twelfth. And you and I should be getting our ballots that week. I'm really excited. Do you have… do you have a voting plan? I have a voting plan.
Sequoia: Yeah, tell us your voting plan.
Kim: Fine. You don't want to share? Whatever. I'm gonna be getting my ballot in the mail this week. I've already looked through the options. They posted those recently. So I looked through the options, I'm ready to vote, I'm excited to vote, and then I'm going to drive my ballot to the nearest drop off box. There's one at the library close by, so I'm really excited!
Sequoia: My voting plan is the same as yours, except that we are in different counties.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And so we have different stuff on our ballots.
Kim: Yep. There's some stuff about parks on mine.
Sequoia: I like parks.
Kim: Me too!
Sequoia: Parks are good. Parks are wholesome.
Kim: [laughs] Oh, I'm so excited. So that's what we're doing. Y'all should make a voting plan as well. Be ready to vote as quickly and as easily as possible as soon as you get your ballot, if you're in one of those lucky states where you're going to be getting a ballot in the mail. Or, you know, just make a plan.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Make sure you're registered. Get ready.
Sequoia: If you have the ability to take November third off of work and you are in a place where you can go volunteer at the polls… sometimes they'll pay you, it's not always a volunteer thing.
Kim: Yeah, some places pay.
Sequoia: But working the polls is good, if you have the ability to have the time off work, and if you're feeling comfortable going out and being there.
Kim: Even not on… on election day, I mean a lot of places are running early voting. So, already.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Places are already voting, so…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: If you've already voted, good job! We're so proud of you.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yay!
Kim: Excellent. I think we've yelled about voting enough.
Sequoia: For this episode. [both laugh]
Kim: Do you have something else for us? You had something else for us you’re giggling about.
Sequoia: I do. Okay. So we had…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: We had a listener that was like, okay, so you're sick of people saying Mione or Herms as a nickname for Hermione…
Kim: We are.
Sequoia: …so I went into a nickname generator…
Kim: Oh, no…
Sequoia: [barely containing laughter] …and decided to generate some nicknames for you. They put Hermione Jean Granger in there.
Kim: ’Kay.
Sequoia: And this was sent to us by Talia and she… [laughs] there's some really good ones here.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Such as Hermella. [Kim splutters] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [quietly] Fuck.
Sequoia: Grangey.
Kim: Fuck! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Jean the Bean. [both laugh again] Jean the Machine. [both laugh at length]
Kim: Jean, the Bean Machine. Keen Jean, the Bean Machine! [both laugh hysterically] That’s fucking nothing!
Sequoia: [groans] Although I do love Hermella. There's a whole list here and I'll probably just post that somewhere at some point.
Kim: Yeah, put it up on our blog, or some shit, I don't know. Fuck!
Sequoia: [groans again] But Hermella, Grangey, and Jean the Bean are just, like, top tier.
Kim: This is very early in the podcast for you to be making me cry like this. [sniffs]
Sequoia: [laughs] I didn’t… I mean, I didn't make you cry. Talia is the one that did this to us. [laughs]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Whooo! Okay. Well, thank you so much for sending those, Talia. I will put the rest somewhere else and there'll be a link somewhere as well, but…
Kim: Cool. Cool story.
Sequoia: Yeah. Hermella. All right.
Kim: Fuck. Fuck.
Sequoia: Use it forever.
Kim: Fuck. Let’s… fuck, fuck, fuck.
Sequoia: Are we ready to read fanfiction now?
Kim: I gotta breathe for a second! [Sequoia laughs] Thinking about Keen Jean the Bean Machine! [both laugh] Fuck!
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: [sniffs] Okay. Yeah. I’ve stopped crying, maybe.
Sequoia: Okay, so maybe we're ready.
Kim: Yeah, maybe. Let's do some fanfiction. I've got two today.
Sequoia: Oh, that's a lot of pointportunities, my dude.
Kim: Yeah, it is. It is. I’ve… I’ve…
Sequoia: Of pointportunities for ME.
Kim: I feel okay, though. I feel okay about this, TBH. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Make sure to tweet your predictions at us, #FanficDivination, answer our story on Instagram, or email them to us, or whatever.
Kim: Uh huh. Here are your clues. Clue number one. The story is called Snake in a Gilded Cage.
Sequoia: Hm. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Kim: You know what? I'm going to give you the AO3 tag it has.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I'm not going to give you… I tagged it myself, but I'm going to give you the AO3 tag instead.
Sequioa: All right
Kim: It's tagged pre-slash.
Sequoia: PRE-SLASH?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: [chuckles quietly] Okay.
Kim: And this sucker came out post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Hmm. Okay. I am going in a… in a very specific direction with this and that may or may not be a good idea, but here we go.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Prediction number one, this is Drarry.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Prediction number two, this is a rescue mission fanfiction.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Prediction number three, in this fanfiction, Draco joins the trio to go on their next adventure.
Kim: All righty.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. [Kim laughs] Don’t smile at me like that, damnit!
Kim: Whooo!
Sequoia: Is this a real snake? [both laugh]
Kim: Real snake! [laughs] Oh, wow, wow, wow. Yeah, drop those predictions to us, wherever, you know. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. Before I get into this, some of our listeners did so well with the last episode.
Sequoia: [groans] People…
Kim: It’s not fair! People got three points.
Sequoia: They were raking them in. And I mean, there was so much that was obvious about it.
Kim: In the Discord… I'm getting roasted in the Discord, also. Someone was like, [bro voice] Even Kim got a point! [Sequoia laughs maniacally] And I was like, oof. Ouch. Owie. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Ya burned me. [laughs] I think I’m dying.
Sequoia: Wooo! That’s a good burn. All righty.
Kim: [sighs deeply] Anyway. We'll see how everyone else does. With…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …Snake in a Gilded Cage.
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: This story was sent in by one of our dear listeners, so thank you to Vanessa for sending this our way.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Lord Voldemort hated incompetence, especially when it seemed to stem from his own subordinates.
Sequoia: I… does… I mean, most of his subordinates are incompetent. [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s a hard problem to have for this dude.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s very true. There’s gotta be one that's good at their job. Are any of them good at their jobs? It’s not like Voldemort’s very good at his job, either. Let’s be real.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] I can't think of one that's particularly good at their job. [Kim laughs] Fenrir Greyback? His job is to just kind of suck, generally, so…
Kim: Yeah, he does succeed at sucking. [both laugh] Remus J. Lupin, loyal supporter of Albus Dumbledore, was currently being treated at St. Mungo's for injuries relating to a Death Eater raid.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh, no!
Kim: [quietly] Gasp.
Sequoia: [quietly] Lupin, no! No!
Kim: The raid had been staged with the plan to injure one of the Order of the Phoenix badly enough to require a trip to St Mungo's.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Lucius still had his contacts within the wizarding world, and he could lower the security long enough for Voldemort to apparate in and pick a semi-conscious Lupin’s mind for intelligence on Dumbledore’s next move.
Sequoia: Yo, this is a way better plan…
Kim: This is such a good plan!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: It is such a better plan than anything Voldemort actually tried to execute in the whole fuckin’… wow! [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Right? Oh, dang. I was really impressed when I read this. I was, like, yeah, that's… that's a good idea! Why did they not…? Why did they not…?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Wow. #GoodPlans.
Kim: Yeah! Cuz Dumbledore is so, like, I don't know. He's so paranoid all the time and, like, separating information and not telling anyone the full story, but we don't really ever see any Order of the Phoenix members get mind read.
Sequoia: Maybe. But I feel like it's really under you… like…
Kim: It is, for sure.
Sequoia: …if you can mind read…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …like, you should be utilizing that more.
Kim: All the time.
Sequoia: This is a good plan.
Kim: Yeah
Sequoia: I'm impressed so far.
Kim: There were risks involved, of course, but none of his other Death Eaters were nearly as strong of a legel… leg… leg… legoman… oh oh. [Sequoia squeals with laughter] MIND READER as he is.
Sequoia: Legilimens?
Kim: Legilmens? Legolas.
Sequoia: Legolas?! [laughs]
Kim: What? [Sequoia continues to laugh] [Kim sighs] You know, I could look these, like, Harry Potter words up before I start reading these to you out loud. Ever.
Sequoia: No. No, no, no, no, no.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: No. Why not?
Kim: Fuck
Sequoia: Why would you do that? Why would you do that?
Kim: Fuck. Get to hear my… the fact that I never really read these very carefully as a child. Legill…mens.
Sequoia: I mean, if I was still saying the things in the book as I had read them as a child, I would be calling Hermione Her-mee-own or whatever. [Kim laughs] So we’ve all grown.
Kim: Yep. Sure. I haven’t, but, you know, sure. [both laugh] The risks were worth taking if he could get information to crush Dumbledore and leave Harry Potter unprotected. Except he wasn't in the right ward at all. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, no.
Kim: Oopsies. Oopsie woopsies.
Sequoia: Oh, no. Is he gonna fall in love?
Kim: [pause] I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yes. He’s gonna fall in love.
Kim: Pre-slash. Pre-slash.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, ejez. IS THIS LOCKHART SLASH?! YOU GOD… [breaks down with laughter] God fuckin’… god fuckin’… fuckin’ dammit! You…
Kim: TWO IN A ROW, BABYYYYY!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] [sighs] DAMN! [continues to laugh] Oh, now I'm mad, but also really happy. [both laugh]
Kim: [sighs] Except he wasn't in the right ward at all. The figures resting on the beds looked familiar, but none of them were Lupin. “Hello, are you here for an autograph? Bit late, you know,” a voice from behind him said.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, my god! What is this ship? Why are you doing this? [Kim laughs] Why are the listeners helping you with this?
Kim: [laughing] I don’t know! I like it. It’s stupid. This is nothing.
Sequoia: Oh, man! [laughs]
Kim: [sighs] Damn it all! Apparently one of the patients was still awake. Well, there went stealth. He grabbed his wand and turned to go for the killing curse.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Fuck. Guess I have to murder everyone in this hospital.
Sequoia: Have to murder…
Kim: That's how I play stealth video games, right?
Sequoia: Oh, when you get caught you just…
Kim: Kill everyone.
Sequoia: Kill everyone? Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. I don't know how Lockhart’s gonna dodge this. [both laugh]
Kim: The man sitting up in bed was giving him a bemused look. Voldemort paused, a bit disoriented. He'd seen a lot of people in their last moments. [valley girl voice] Like a lot of people. Wow, he’s killed so many people.
Sequoia: Yeah, like… like a lot of people. [both laugh]
Kim: The expressions on their faces tended to blur together. [valley girl voice] I’ve killed so many people!
Sequoia: [valley girl voice] I can't even remember. Lockhart doesn't know what's going on.
Kim: Nooo! The expressions on their faces tended to blur together: fear, rage, determination. He'd never seen someone so calm.
Sequoia: Just ‘cause he has no idea what's going on!
Kim: Correct! [Sequoia laughs] Like, [aloof voice] Oh, what’s happening? Oh! It’s nice to see you… [Sequoia laughs] Are you visiting me? Who, me?
Sequoia: [same aloof tone] Oh, your wand’s out? Are you gonna… get us some tea?
Kim: [high-pitched nasal voice, used for Voldemort throughout] “You! Don’t you know who I am?”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Oh my god! I forget!
Kim: How… how can you forget?
Sequoia: Every time! Every time I forget. [both laugh]
Kim: I’ve been doing it so much recently, too. I'm getting a lot of Voldemort sent to me.
Sequoia: Yes. Just because people… the people, they want it. They want the voice.
Kim: They’ve not found a Xenophilius fic yet.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! [laughs]
Kim: I’m like… I’m, like, thankful every time I go into my story submissions and I scroll through and I'm like, phew! No Xeno. We’re safe another day.
Sequoia: Your Xenophilius is like a… like a… like a… like a beatnik?
Kim: I don't want to talk about who Xenophilius is. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You know what to do, listeners!
Kim: They can't find any; there isn't any. Ha! [Sequoia laughs] “Well, no, actually. Have we met?” “I’m Lord Voldemort!” Voldemort stared at the patient. He was a rather attractive man.
Sequoia: Witch Weekly’s greatest smile.
Kim: Yeah, buddy. Probably in his thirties, but careful applications of wrinkle-reducing charms and anti-aging spells made that a bit unclear. He looked familiar. That's right. He had seen Bella practicing her hexes on a target with this man's picture on it. [both laugh] Love this. I love this bit.
Sequoia: Amazing! [both laugh again]
Kim: When he inquired, she'd explained he had been a fellow Slytherin and an ex-boyfriend during school.
Sequoia: I was about to say. There's gotta be… there's got to be a backstory to that.
Kim: Hell yeah there is!
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Yeah. I think…
Sequoia: I like… okay, I like that he's a Slytherin in this fanfiction.
Kim: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sequoia: Because he's a fucking Slytherin.
Kim: Oh, yeah. He's got such huge Slytherin energy.
Sequoia: Yeah! And then when I found out he was a Ravenclaw, I was like [sighs] I mean…
Kim: That also works, I think.
Sequoia: … fine.
Kim: I think he probably maybe had a bit of, like, a shift. Like he… he was… he went out pursuing knowledge for knowledge’s sake, and then wasn't very successful. And then maybe was like, what if I just… [Sequoia laughs] what if just… instead, what if I just…
Sequoia: Uh huh. Yeah.
Kim: I don't know. I think… I think he's a very ambitious Ravenclaw. And maybe…
Sequoia: Yeah, I…
Kim: Maybe he had a bit of a change in priorities at some point.
Sequoia: Yeah, they do sort very young.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Here's the thing though.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I like him in Slytherin
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: And this… this him/Bellatrix thing is fucking nuts! [laughs]
Kim: I like it a lot. Oh, man, yeah. I love that. Well, the man was a Slytherin. That counted for something.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] I mean, it does, I suppose, in Voldemort's whatever.
Kim: Voldemort, you fucking suck. Eat shit. [Sequoia laughs] “I'm Gilderoy. Would you like an autograph? I get a lot of requests for them. Letters, too.” He smiled and gestured to the boxes of letters placed by his bed.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: “Just let me get out a quill.”
Sequoia: I thought for a second that he was going to have… be like making up those letters. He's going to gesture next to his bedside and there’s…
Kim: And there's nothing?
Sequoia: Nothing.
Kim: No, we know… we know people are still sending him stuff.
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. I guess we do know that.
Kim: The wizarding world… the wizarding world has not forgotten about Gilderoy. They still love him. [both laugh] Even though he sucks.
Sequoia: A beautiful fraud. [laughs]
Kim: Hell, yeah. Voldemort found himself smiling back. Oh, wait a moment.
Sequoia: Why?! [laughs loudly]
Kim: Damn it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Why, though?!
Kim: ‘Cause look at… look at this… look at this Gilderoy boy! [Sequoia laughs] He’s very handsome.
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim laughs] Man.
Kim: Oh my god. I don't know what it is about Gilderoy that makes me want him to be paired with people who suck.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don't know, probably because he sucks?
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] I think it's funny.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: Okay, so Voldemort's heart grew three sizes that day or whatever. [laughs]
Kim: Eh. I wouldn’t go that far, but he is definitely into the whatever's happening in front of him. Voldemort found himself smiling back. Wait a moment! Damn it. He was not supposed to like people, even when…
Sequoia: He was not supposed to smile. [both laugh]
Kim: Smile? Eee? Eee? He was not supposed to like people, even when they were good looking and charismatic. He was a Dark Lord, and people should be fearing him or respecting him, not giving him autographs!
Sequoia: Oh, but don’t you want one?
Kim: Kind of. I want one.
Sequoia: Don’t you just… but don’t you just want one?
Kim: Yeah. I think I do.
Sequoia: I’ll take an autograph.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: That sounds good, actually.
Kim: Yeah, all right. [both laugh] Gilderoy had found his paper and quill. “Here we go. I'll just go and sign this. To my excellent friend, Lord Volde… how do you spell that, again?” “V – O – L…” it suddenly dawned on Voldemort…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …where he heard that name before. It had been part of Wormtail’s briefing on Potter. Gilderoy Lockhart had been Potter's Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher in his second year.
Sequoia: Ah!
Kim: If Voldemort’s memory served him, and it always did, [both laugh] Stupid. Lockhart had been incapacitated by a spell from one of Potter's little friends and lost his memory. He had also been quite a celebrity in the wizarding world. He could be useful.
Sequoia: Ohh!
Kim: Especially in the state he's in.
Sequoia: Mmm, yes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He's… he's looking for those influencers, Voldemort is. [both laugh]
Kim: How many Instagram followers do you think Gilderoy has?
Sequoia: A lot!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Gilderoy would be so big on Insta. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, yeah, he would. That’s so funny. [both laugh] “Gilderoy, how would you like to come with me on a trip?” Voldemort tried to look bright and cheery and unthreatening, but ended up with a smile that would make small children wet their pants.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, no, he’s like…
Kim: [high pitched, nasal voice] Let's go on a trip!
Sequoia: Actively doesn't have a nose, or whatever.
Kim: Let’s… eeee?
Sequoia: Eeuuuhh?
Kim: “A trip? But the Healers…” “I’m sure the Healers won’t mind, and we can tell them later. Besides, aren't you tired of staying in the building all the time?” “Well, when you put it like that, all of these nice witches write to me about all these things I've done.” He gestured to the letters again, looking wistfully at them. “Must be nice to do things besides write autographs,”
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: “Excellent! Get your things, we’re leaving.”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. [both laugh]
Kim: Going on a little trip. What things? He's got a box of letters and some pajamas. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, he's got to take all his letters with him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He hasn't responded to all of them yet.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And as we know, Gilderoy Lockhart responds to every letter he receives, and sends an autograph.
Kim: That's really dedicated, TBH.
Sequoia: It really is.
Kim: It’s a lot of work.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He's got to get so much… well, there's only like ten wizards.
Sequoia: [laughs] As we always come back to, there are only ten wizards.
Kim: So it's probably not that much work, actually. Later, Lucius Malfoy would wonder about the amount of time his boss was spending alone with his new guest. When he asked, he was told sharply that the Dark Lord was preparing Lockhart for his subversive work in creating sympathy for their cause.
Sequoia: Hm.
Kim: He didn't ask further questions. Too many questions to Voldemort tended to meet with answers that involved the Cruciatus curse. Besides, whatever it was, it seemed to be going well. [Sequoia snorts] Lucius swore he caught the Dark Lord smiling after his sessions with Lockhart.
Sequoia: Again?! [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] The end.
Sequoia: Oh, wow. I like… you know what I really like about that story?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I liked that it started out with, like, a really, actually, actively decent evil plan.
Kim: Yeah. And then devolves?
Sequoia: And then… yeah [laughs]
Kim: Into silliness?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I really liked it. Oh, my goodness gracious.
Sequoia: God, that pairing is so nuts.
Kim: Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. I can't believe I did it two episodes in a row.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I realized what I was about to do this morning when I was looking at the stories I picked, and I was like, wait a second. This is stupid!
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s like that time when I read those two stories in the same episode that were both the… the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher gets killed.
Kim: [laughing] Shit. Yeah.
Sequoia: And I didn't realize I'd done it. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man! That’s good. That’s good. Anyway! All…
Sequoia: Whoo! Voldemort/Lockhart.
Kim: …of your predictions were wrong.
Sequoia: I know. I just… I had… I had a strong feeling, and I went a very specific direction.
Kim: You certainly did. [laughs]
Sequoia: Snake in a Gilded Cage. Gilded.
Kim: Snake in a GILDED Cage
Sequoia: GILDED.
Kim: I was worried that I was like, oh, man is saying pre-slash gonna give it away with the title? [Sequoia sighs] We’ll see how the listeners do, but it didn’t for you.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m interested to see, because I really, really… in my brain I was, like, no, this has got to be… it’s post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: It's got to be about Draco.
Kim: Mhm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Being trapped in his… his glitzy glamorous prison of a home.
Kim: I thought… I thought your second prediction was really funny because it was… the story was the exact opposite of that
Sequoia: Yeah [laughs]
Kim: Instead of a rescue mission, a kidnapping mission. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. Dang it.
Kim: Lol. Lol, lol, lol.
Sequoia: That’s what I get for going all in one.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: All in, in one direction
Kim: That was a mistake.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don’t know that you would’ve gotten any of this anyway, though, so…
Sequoia: No, I wouldn’t have.
Kim: Oh, well! Are you ready for the next one?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: You don't look ready.
Sequoia: I'm not. [laughs]
Kim: All right. This one is called Voldie’s Quest.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: It came out post Goblet of Fire. And the genre… the fucking genre, man…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …is humor/humorrr! [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: God fuckin’ dammit! That… that… is NOTHING. [Kim continues to laugh] Ugh! Goddammit!
Kim: [crying] Humor/humor.
Sequoia: [whispering] Humor/humor.
Kim: Why are you allowed to do that?
Sequoia: Ugh. I don’t… well, this is… this is from ff.net, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. This is… there is… I mean, you know. We were in the dark ages of technology or whatever.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, we were. Post Goblet of Fire. This is an old boy.
Sequoia: Nobody knew how to restrict it so that you could only choose humor once. [Kim laughs] And then the author was like, I'm supposed to choose two genres, but it’s only humor! [laughs]
Kim: Oh, you say author…
Sequoia: Authors?! [Kim laughs] Oh, fuck. Okay, what’s the title again?
Kim: Voldie’s Quest.
Sequoia: Prediction number one, Voldemort's quest is that he had a crave… a food craving [Kim laughs] and needs… is questing to get that specific food.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: Prediction number two, let me know if this is not going to fly.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Voldemort goes on his quest with one or multiple OCs written by various authors.
Kim: I think we'll have to talk about that one, but that's fine.
Sequoia: Okay. Prediction number three.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: This fanfiction is a time travel fanfiction.
Kim: Nice. Nice, nice, nice. Nice work. Nice work all around
Sequoia: [groans] Arrrgh.
Kim: I’m excited. This is some stupid shit.
Sequoia: [growls] Humor/humor! [both laugh]
Kim: The Dark Lord Voldemort was sitting in his throne room.
Sequoia: Throne room!
Kim: Peter Pettigrew… yeah, throne room. [both laugh] What is that? [both laugh] Silly. Peter Pettigrew, the worm, was trembling in the middle of the room. Voldemort was thinking about how to kill his arch enemy, Harry Potter, while he was the most vulnerable.
Sequoia: Mm. As he generally is.
Kim: Yeah, that's usually what he's up to.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm.
Kim: “Wormtail! You will make me a potion that will take me to Harry Potter!” Voldemort said.
Sequoia: That’s nothing. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, that’s really nothing. Wow. [laughs]
Sequoia: Voldemort needs that same spell that Snape has.
Kim: Oh, the summon when someone’s doing something stupid?
Sequoia: Yeah. Except that it’s…
Kim: Wait, isn’t that Draco? Well, whatever. Everyone has that. Wait, no, he just needs to say Harry's name… never mind.
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: How many call backs can we fit in one sentence?
Sequoia: Pew, pew, pew, pew!
Kim: Stupid. Peter trembled a bit more. “B-b-but master,” Wormtail said, “if I make the potion, I might accidentally kill you.”
Sequoia: Oh! The stakes.
Kim: But, in reality, he was thinking, “Yes! Let me make a potion. Let me kill you so I can take over!”
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: This Wormtail’s really devious.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Which is not right, but fine. It’s fine.
Sequoia: No, no. He does not have that much forethought.
Kim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Sequoia: Imagine him in charge of all the Death Eaters.
Kim: Oh my god!
Sequoia: Oh, man. You thought Voldemort's plants were bad?
Kim: Oh, wow, wow, wow. Yeah, that would be real bad.
Sequoia: He’s like, here’s the thing. What if… and I'm just spitballing here, what if we all turned into rats for, like, twelve years? [both laugh] Lull everyone into a false sense of security and then… [both continue to laugh]
Kim: Oh my god!
Sequoia: Whooo! [chuckles]
Kim: Voldemort put a hand to his chin and thought. Then a twenty watt candle appeared over his head.
Sequoia: A what?
Kim: A twenty watt candle.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: It was a candle because an evil wizard like Voldie doesn't use or need anything that is Muggle made or has to do with Muggles. This is a cartoon we're watching.
Sequoia: Oh! We're watching a cartoon!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. Everything’s making a lot more sense.
Kim: So instead of a light bulb he gets a candle.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Because he had an idea.
Sequoia: Gotcha. Okay.
Kim: Because this is a cartoon.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: But it is a twenty watt candle. And I think that’s important to note.
Kim: Whatever that means.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: That’s nothing, but fine. [both laugh] “Fine! Then go get that prisoner, what’s her name.” Voldemort ordered.
Sequoia: Hm. Little what’s her name.
Kim: “You mean… you mean… Pheonixx, my Lord?”
Sequoia: Ohhhhh!!
Kim: [singing] Guess how many X's Pheonixx has in it? It’s two.
Sequoia: [laughs] I was gonna guess three. [laughs]
Kim: Ahh, three is too many. Are you ridiculous? Don’t be ridiculous: it's two.
Sequoia: Pheonixxsss. Xx. Xx.
Kim: Xx. Silly. “You mean Pheonixx, my Lord?” [Sequoia laughs] Wormtail said, trembling worse and worse as each second passed. “Yes, bring her to me,” Voldemort told him again. Regretting every second, Voldemort (oops, we meant Wormtail)...
Sequoia: [screaming] Wait! No! Just def… just delete…
Kim: Just use the backspace key! [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Aaahh!
Sequoia: Authors, no!
Kim: [laughs loudly] Incredible! [both laugh] Look, they ate SO much candy.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. An incredible amount. Probably a few Mountain Dews, too.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's eleven pm on a school night.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: They ate a mountain of candy.
Sequoia: [laughs] And they're on… they're on MSN Messenger.
Kim: Yes, typing this out.
Sequoia: Writing this together.
Kim: One sentence… yes! Ah, shit.
Sequoia: A hundred percent. That energy is like…
Kim: Yep. Yeah.
Sequoia: Radiating from this fanfiction. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Oh, no! [both laugh quietly] Voldemort (oops, we meant Wormtail) did what he was told. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. So good.
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: He left the throne room and made his way toward the dungeons. When he reached the cell holding Pheonixx, he skidded to a stop to watch her. [Sequoia laughs] I'm gonna keep doing it.
Sequoia: Gotta keep doing it.
Kim: She was glaring and snarling and generally scaring the shit out of the wall. [both laugh] This is good. It’s good.
Sequoia: Wow, that's a real talent.
Kim: It’s good. [laughs]
Sequoia: She must be really scary.
Kim: Yep. Nope. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, arms crossed. She was muttering to herself. “Stone floor, stone wall, stone ceiling. Is there anything here not made of hardened minerals?!” What is happening?
Sequoia: What do you got against hardened minerals?
Kim: What is happening? What is happening? Can anyone tell me what is happening? Is this a reference to something? Somebody help me!
Sequoia: [laughs] I think she just really…
Kim: Hates rocks?
Sequoia: Just really doesn’t like rocks. Yeah.
Kim: I like that. That's good.
Sequoia: She only likes soft minerals. [both laugh]
Kim: Okay. [laughs] Wormtail cleared his throat, and she turned her glare to him. If looks could kill, he would be dead, buried and half eaten by maggots.
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Got him! [Sequoia laughs] “M-my, m-my master has need of you,” he told her, opening the cell. She got up and brushed imaginary dirt off of her clothes. Voldemort loved a clean and tidy lair.
Sequoia: Oh. That's very nice. [chuckles quietly]
Kim: Yeah, it’s a very clean cell to keep prisoners in. As she walked past him, she banged him against the wall, as his presence was annoying her. [laughs] Silly.
Sequoia: Mhm. This is, like, the equivalent of like shoving him into a locker.
Kim: [laughs loudly] Yes. Boom! [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. Don't do that, that's mean. Then, nose in the air, she stalked off to the throne room. When she entered, she found Voldemort doing the Macarena with Ravenclaw’s ghost, the Grey Lady.
Sequoia: Amazing! Amazing!
Kim: Ta-dah! [singing] Look at this thing I found you. [both laugh] What is happening? I think one of the authors is maybe a little sillier than the other one. Do you get that vibe?
Sequoia: Yeah, every once in a while, when it gets to that specific person on MSN Messenger…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …they're like, and then there was the Macare… and then there was a twenty watt candlestick. [laughs] Honestly, they’re one… they’re… they might be my favorite one.
Kim: Yeah! Okay…
Sequoia: They’re… they’re making some big moves.
Kim: Here’s the thing. They've got the right dynamic. The comedy duo dynamic. You got the straight person, and then you got the silly person.
Sequoia: Exactly. Mhm.
Kim: Just like here.
Sequoia: [laughs] Is that real?
Kim: I don’t know. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, I can see that Voldemort would prefer dances that had, like, a prescribed set of moves, you know?
Kim: You think Voldemort likes line dancing?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is that what you’re saying?
Sequoia: I just think that he probably doesn't have the natural ability.
Kim: Ohhkay.
Sequoia: To just like, you know, bust a move, you know? He needs to be given… he needs to be given the steps.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then it makes him feel a little bit more empowered to… to be… dancing.
Kim: Uh huh.
[small pause]
Sequoia: This checks out for me. Continue. [both laugh]
Kim: Fuck this. Stupid, I like it. She, referring to Pheonixx, raised an eyebrow and cleared her throat. At once, he stopped dancing and returned to his throne. [laughs] You may leave, ghost. Leave, ghost! [both laugh]
Sequoia: They’re for dancing purposes only.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. “Ah! Pheonixx. You’ll make me a potion and you will like it.” He ordered in his I'm an evil bastard and I know it voice.
Sequoia: Hm. Mhm. We're familiar. Sure.
Kim: “I will make you a potion, but I will not like it,” she said.
Sequoia: Setting boundaries. [both laugh]
Kim: Fuck. Yes, she is. Then she gathered a bunch of ingredients together and started to put them in at random in a giant cauldron.
Sequoia: At random?!
Kim: Some of this, some of these, here we go! Some of those! Haaa!
Sequoia: [laughs] Is she supposed to be making the potion that takes him to Harry Potter?
Kim: Yes. I don't know why he can't just… you know…
Sequoia: Why doesn’t he…?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Why doesn’t…?
Kim: She’s a potions expert!
Sequoia: All the… all the ingredients are apparently just there, in the throne room.
Kim: Apparently. She went… well, she got… yeah. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Seems like they were accessible.
Kim: Five explosions and a new lair later, the potion was finished.
Sequoia: A new lair?
Kim: [laughing] She blew up the lair.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay. Well, she is throwing things into a cauldron…
Both: At random.
Kim: Yep. [laughs]
Sequoia: What else you would expect?
Kim: Voldemort drank the potion and was taken to the middle of a forest.
Sequoia: Hm.
Kim: Dun dun dunnn.
Sequoia: The Forbidden Forest?
Kim: It was bright and sunny…
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: …so naturally, Voldemort hated it.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: [laughs] Stupid.
Sequoia: Duh! He only likes the… his throne room and the Macarena
Kim: Yup. He likes two things. [both laugh] There was a stir from behind a bush and Voldemort turned around, his hand on his wand. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Here we go. Are you fuckin’ ready? Are you fuckin’ ready? This next sentence, my friend... You're gonna be, I think, disappointed.
Sequoia: Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Okay.
Kim: Three people and a little yellow rat came out from behind the bush.
Sequoia: W… wha… what?
Kim: What? You don’t know where we are yet? Okay. We'll continue.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: One was a tall man that looked like he was squinting.
Sequoia: OH MY GOD! NO! NO!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: WHAT DID YOU DO?!
Kim: LET ME DO THIS!
Sequoia: WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
Kim: LET ME DO THIS! [both laugh]
Sequoia: DAMMIT! [both laugh at length] Dammit, I’m so mad! [both keep laughing] Fine.
Kim: [laughs] Had to pay off… this is the payoff from episode whatever, The Ethan Sisters.
Sequoia: [laughs] It is?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: One was a tall man that looked as though he was squinting. Then he opened his eyes wide and yelled, “Woo-hoo! I can see!” Then he ran off in search of every pretty girl he could ogle.
Sequoia: I mean, sure? Sure.
Kim: Another had red hair pulled into a ponytail. She screamed and ran off.
Sequoia: Why?!
Kim: He’s scary!
Sequoia: Why are you running away?
Kim: Voldemort is scary!
Sequoia: Oh. That’s true. I forgot.
Kim: He scared Brock’s eyes open.
Sequoia: He was doing… he was doing the Macarena, like, so recently.
Kim: That was five explosions and a new lair ago.
Sequoia: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. [laughs]
Kim: The one that remained was a dark haired, somewhat naïve looking boy. He had the little yellow rat on his head. The little yellow rat’s cheeks started to spark at the authors for calling it a little yellow rat and would shock them if they didn't stop.
Sequoia: Oh, yes!
Kim: Pikachu can see and hear the authors.
Sequoia: Yes! [both laugh] I love it in these fanfictions when the authors become integrated into the story.
Kim: Yes! Yeees!
Sequoia: It's so good!
Kim: What’s better than this? [Sequoia laughs] Someone tell me. Don't tell me. Nothing's better than this! [Sequoia laughs louder] Then, Mewtwo appeared and said, “Ash Ketchum, this man is evil. Let me protect you.”
Sequoia: Okay. Sure.
Kim: The boy responded: “Okay.” [both laugh] Then Voldemort started to do the Macarena.
Sequoia: Again?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Is… is this… does he just do this when he's nervous?
Kim: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: I feel like maybe it's just a coping mechanism.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: He's like, I'm stressed.
Kim: I don’t know what’s happening.
Sequoia: I’m stressed about the situation. I don't know what's going on.
Kim: Let's do the Macarena
Sequoia: The Macare… I find the Macarena extremely calming. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, no! Then Ash and the little yellow rat. Author's note…
Sequoia: You can’t… you can’t….
Kim: (Oops, we mean Pikachu) And now…
Sequoia: Yeah. Pikachu will shock you, authors, come on!
Kim: And then we get a really extended bit of the authors. [Sequoia laughs] We've got some… we've got two colons and then two slashes demarcating between the two authors.
Sequoia: Excellent. You gotta.
Kim: Visually.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Vi… vi…
Sequoia: ‘Cause you need to…
Kim: Because, you know, you gotta tell the difference between them somehow, I guess. I don't know.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: So Pikachu shocks them. One of them makes a crown out of the electricity, but they… well, no, they make it into a slinky [Sequoia laughs] and then they use that as a crown. And then the other author’s like, no, don't do that. We have to keep writing, and they take the slinky away.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! [both cry laugh] I mean, you got… it's good to have at least one of the authors that’s, like, pinning this down and being, like, come on, we gotta keep going.
Kim: We gotta finish writing, come on!
Sequoia: The story’s almost done.
Kim: We’ve got these ideas for this story… [both break down laughing] we’ve got… THE TEXT! [both laugh] Fuck.
Sequoia: [laughs] Incredible.
Kim: Yeah. My slinky!
Sequoia: This is… this is… we've never done anything particularly like this on the podcast.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: But this is just like… [sighs]
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: This is… this is perfect.
Kim: This is how most fanfictions from this time period are.
Sequoia: Yes. It is. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, authors, I love you. They're like, I'm tired of writing the story. I'm gonna write some stuff about me now! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Where does that… where does that come from? I like it. Like, where does the drive to do that? Like what inspires an author? I love it.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: So funny. Okay. Okay. So that was a really extended parenthetical.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So let's go back to the beginning of this sentence. Then Ash and Pikachu started to do the Macarena as well.
Sequoia: Oh! That's an interesting… I wouldn't know that the… that the Macarena existed in the… in the Pokémon universe.
Kim: It’s not very hard. You know, it's like there's only so many moves op… oh. I'm gonna hit the microphone.
Sequoia: [laughs] Did you just hit the microphone doing the Macarena? [laughs] Oh, wow. Oh, that’s good. You’re doing a great job. Is there a high five in your version of the Macarena? [both laugh] That was a good visual bit.
Kim: Fuck. Stupid. Okay. Mewtwo joined in and all of them were doing the Macarena. They danced the Macarena for years afterward.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: Voldemort forgot all about Harry Potter and why he wanted to kill him.
Sequoia: Mhm. Well, the Macarena…
Kim: We've got another extended author's bit here before we go to an epilogue, so fuck.
Sequoia: [laughing] An epilogue!
Kim: All right, so we get the authors… the author that had the slinky taken away is still sad that her slinky’s gone, but then she finds a koosh ball.
Sequoia: Oh, wow!
Kim: But it belongs to the other author who, we find out here, is her cousin. They're cousins.
Sequoia: Oh, no, that's great! I love that.
Kim: Isn’t that good?
Sequoia: That’s so cute!
Kim: So cute! And so author number one’s like, no! Give me my koosh ball back! [Sequoia laughs] And then they, like, run around. Author number one does ask for reviews here.
Sequoia: Mm. Good.
Kim: And they fight over the koosh ball.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Epilogue! [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is…this is transporting me back in time.
Kim: [laughing] Yes!
Sequoia: I can barely handle this. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, my goodness. I think… I think you're right. This does really feel like it was written over MSN Messenger or something. Right?
Sequoia: It had to have been. Yeah, a hundred percent. [Kim sighs] [both laugh]
Kim: Transported. I’m transported.
Sequoia: Transported!
Kim: It’s a shame they can't capture all of the cool glitter and stuff that they were undoubtedly using.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. Dang it.
Kim: Epilogue! [Sequoia laughs] Brock eventually married a Nurse Joy and an Officer Jenny, and they have wild passionate threesomes every night and are very happy.
Sequoia: Good for him.
Kim: Misty eventually died, and the world was better for it.
Sequoia: OH MY GOD!
Kim: Get some out of nowhere Misty bashing!
Sequoia: [laughing] Holy shit! [both laugh] Wow, that’s… that’s a lot.
Kim: It is. It is indeed.
Sequoia: I didn’t see that coming!
Kim: Out of nowhere Misty bashing? No!
Sequoia: Twist! Whoo! Okay.
Kim: Nice. Pheonixx, (author two)...
Sequoia: Oohhh…
Kim: Found out she was a long lost demon queen.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: She married Slinky, who turned out to be a demon playing tricks, and moved to the demon realm! They are currently king and queen and are very happy.
Sequoia: Nice. Good for them.
Kim: Diva (author one) eventually got over the loss of Slinky and married Koosh, who turned out to be the second cousin to Slinky’s third aunt twice removed.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: They moved to the Cha realm, where Diva is now queen to be. This is a lot. This is a lot, we’re not quite done yet.
Sequoia: I… here’s the thing. I'm, like, a little bit overwhelmed with information right now. This infodump is a lot.
Kim: Yeah, we're getting a lot of information as bullet points.
Sequoia: [laughs] I… I really do appreciate when an epilogue is bullet points, though.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Like, just tell me what I want to know. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! Diva wasn’t even a character in the story!
Sequoia: No, but the authors were characters in the story. They were there. Pikachu could acknowledge them.
Kim: Pikachu could see them. AHHH! Ash and Mewtwo made out and are very happy together…
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: …torturing Giovanni.
Sequoia: What the fuck?!
Kim: Pikachu ran off with Meowth! [Sequoia laughs] Voldemort died dancing the Macarena!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Wormtail was killed during the third and a half explosion!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] That happened DURING the story! [both laugh] Why is this in the epilogue? INCREDIBLE!
Kim: Harry got bored waiting for Voldemort to kill him, graduated from Hogwarts and moved to Bermuda, where he is happily living on the hidden island in the Bermuda Triangle. Merlin sometimes visits him from the past. The end?
Sequoia: Um… um… whooooo! Whoooo! [laughs]
Kim: Look at this. Look what I found.
Sequoia: Whooooo! [laughs] Honestly, I am really stoked that this happened, because I run across this kind of stuff all the time…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: …and just dismiss it offhand.
Kim: You're wrong.
Sequoia: And I'm wrong! And you have proven me wrong. And that was a wild rollercoaster adventure.
Kim: This was, I think, our first crossover fic?
Sequoia: It is. This is our first crossover fic. Honestly, I think it is fitting that it was Pokémon. It was either going to be Pokémon, Star Trek or X-Men.
Kim: What are you talking about? ‘Cause you wouldn't find a crossover?
Sequoia: Exactly. [laughs]
Kim: Why not?!
Sequoia: ‘Cause you were gonna do it. [Kim laughs] ‘Cause you were gonna do it.
Kim: I found some Spider Man crossovers too, and they're just not right for the pod and it’s sad every time. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim groans]
Sequoia: Wow, that was so incredible. I have a question about my predictions.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I have several questions about my prediction.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Fair enough.
Sequoia: Did I get anything right? That's actually just one question.
Kim: Okay. The second one, depending on whether or not you would count Pheonixx sending Voldemort on his quest as her going with him on the quest?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Then you get no points.
Sequoia: I don't think anyone went with him on his quest. I do… well. [sighs] I was too specific about that, because it isn't a time travel fanfiction
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: But there was time travel in the fanfiction.
Kim: It wasn’t time travel specifically.
Sequoia: There was! At the very end, Merlin time travels to see Harry.
Kim: Oh, fuck! [laughs]
Sequoia: But it was not a time travel fanfiction.
Kim: I don’t know that he’s… I don’t know that he’s TIME travelling.
Sequoia: It said.
Kim: Did it say time travelling?
Sequoia: It said.
Kim: He visits him from the past. Oh yeah, Merlin’s time travelling to visit Harry. Fuck.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: What was your prediction?
Sequoia: My… my prediction was that it would be a time travel fanfiction. It’s not.
Kim: Oh, yeah, it's not that. It's not that. There was time travel in it, but it's not a time travel fanfiction.
Sequoia: [sighs, defeated] It’s too… too… it’s too specific.
Kim: Yeah. I felt pretty confident that you weren't going to get that that was a Pokémon crossover. [laughs]
Sequoia: Of course I wasn't! It wasn't like it was titled Voldemort… Voldemort Becomes the Best there Ever Was. [Kim snorts] You know? Like, it was like… [laughs] What was I… Voldemort and Pikachu’s Adventure
Kim: Yeah. I didn’t think you were gonna guess that, oh, today’s the day that Kim’s gonna hit me with a crossover.
Sequoia: Yeah! Of course not!
Kim: With a lot of weird A/N stuff in it.
Sequoia: [laughs] A lot of really gold A/N stuff in it.
Kim: Solid fucking gold! Goddamn, my dude.
Sequoia: Solid gold.
Kim: We fucked up not doing it until now.
Sequoia: A koosh ball? A KOOSH BALL?
Kim: Slinky, koosh ball [Sequoia laughs] and an off screen mountain of candy.
Sequoia: [laughs] An implied mountain of candy. [both laugh] An implied MSN Messenger. Ugh! Okay. That was incredible. That was an incredible high that I will never be able to come down from. What’s next?
Kim: We gotta do a segment.
Sequoia: All right. Okay.
Kim: Sequoia. Someone's knocking on the door. I think we have a visitor. Perhaps they're an [dramatically] original character?
Sequoia: It's time for your, the listeners’, OC submissions.
Kim: Ha! I’m so excited.
Sequoia: Today, knocking on the door, our new friend is Clara Annelise Paquette.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: A half Veela, half wizard.
Kim: Yes, she is.
Sequoia: She has a really, really rich, wonderful backstory.
Kim: I… I don't doubt that!
Sequoia: She is… so she's half Veela.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: But she did join the dark side.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Betraying the Veela laws.
Kim: Oh! They… the Veelas have laws against going dark? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, apparently. Sure. [laughs]
Kim: Sure. I like it.
Sequoia: But then she wants to come back, so she needs to earn her forgiveness and be accepted by Veela society again, so she has to go through a trial of redemption. [sighs lengthily]
Kim: What? I like it. Oh, shit. What? I like that. That’s weird.
Sequoia: If she fails, she's banished forever [Kim laughs] but if she succeeds, she gets a sacred Veela wish. [both laugh]
Kim: This is such a great story. I like it.
Sequoia: It says that… it says that she could be whatever she wants.
KIM: I like this story. What is this?
Sequoia: [laughs] Aggghh! Her… okay, so the trial of redemption, in this in this OC’s lore, has to relate to the crime. So it's not just, like, any…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It’s not just, like, a test of strength, or whatever.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It has to be related to your crime, and her crime was to go join the dark side, right?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So her trial of redemption is to go back in time [Kim cackles] and stop Tom Riddle from becoming Voldemort.
Kim: What? Okay, cool. What? [laughs]
Sequoia: So Clara…
Kim: Does she do that like making out with him?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Ahhhhh!
Sequoia: Clara Annelise Paquette goes back in time and falls in love with Tom Riddle.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And then, you know…
Kim: My god.
Sequoia: …she… she will then have to decide between coming back to the future to be with her family…
Kim: To get her wish.
Sequoia: …and to be… get her Veela wish, or to stay back in time with Tom Riddle, who she has fallen in love with.
Kim: Do you think she could’ve come back to the present and then wished that Tom was there with her?
Sequoia: Oh! I think that's a good workaround. Maybe that’d work.
Kim: Or… or does the wish have to be not breaking the laws of magic?
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know. I mean, it does say…
Kim: What does she chose?!
Sequoia: It does say… it does say the sacred Veela wish could be whatever she wants.
Kim: What does she chose?!
Sequoia: They only wrote four chapters of it. [Kim sighs] So it was never finished.
Kim: They had to have had plans.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: What were their plans?! Ugh!
Sequoia: I mean, if you want to… if you want to let us know what the rest of your plans were, this Clara Annelise Paquette was sent to us by Laiba, and please…
Kim: Very good. Thank you very much for sending this to us. She's spectacular.
Sequoia: She is wonderful.
Kim: I want a hold for the end please for our OC segment! [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: [laughs] it’s segment-ception. [both giggle] It’s a segment within a segment! [both make growling noises, then laugh some more] Speaking of segments, it’s time for….
Both: …the rec zone! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Kim: I have some really cute Hinny today.
Sequoia: Aww! Yay!
Kim: It’s called Sharing the Blame and it's a really cute get together fic.
Sequoia: Love it.
Kim: So check that out. I think Harry… Harry’s really sweet in it, and he's thinking about how much he likes Ginny and then [both make cooing noises] [Sequoia laughs] I like Hinny!
Sequoia: Hinny’s very good. You can find a link to that story in the description of this episode and also on the list of recommendations on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com
Sequoia: Which is also home to our submission form. The first story read today on this podcast was…
Kim: Did I read two stories today? [Sequoia laughs] I… my memory does not go back in time that far.
Sequoia: The first story was a listener submission. We've been using a lot of listener submissions because y'all are so good…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …at finding that good, good shit. So keep sending it in.
Kim: Hell, yeah. Also on our website, you can find a variety of merch. We've got bookmarks, Yes!! Glitter!!! on our website, and then there's a link to our TeePublic where we have a variety of designs for, like, t-shirts and stuff.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media at Twitter, Instagram, Facebook @FanaticalFics. Tweet at us!
Kim: Yep. Our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Send us any submissions for any of our stupid segments. Any other thoughts you have. We've gotten some emailed in predictions recently, which was really fun. So send in whatever to our email.
Sequoia: Yeah. If you want to help out the podcast, there's a couple things you can do. First things first, you can leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook.
Kim: Or you can tell EVERYONE about the podcast.
Sequoia: Tell everyone. Every single person about the podcast. Trick everyone 2020.
Kim: Hell yeah. The campaign continues. You can also email us still for those campaign tools.
Sequoia: Yes, I am beginning…
Kim: They’re still going out. We’re still doing that.
Sequoia: Yes. We weren’t for a while…
Kim: Well, you know. You know.
Sequoia: …and I’m beginning to do that again. [laughs] Listen, we died under a pile of Yes!! Glitter!!! and we are just coming back to life. Everything's fine.
Kim: The mountain of Yes!! Glitters!!! has gotten real small.
Sequoia: Very small, yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: You can also help us out by joining our Patreon. We've got all kinds of fun, silly perks on there. The patrons recently designed a new flag for the Ministry of Magic, which they took over.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: So, you know.
Sequoia: They overthrew the Ministry of Magic and then installed themselves…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: As the new Ministry of Magic to begin the girl rock revolution and then they designed a flag.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. If that sounds like your kind of party [both laugh] maybe join our Patreon. Speaking of Patreon, if you support the podcast for a certain amount of time, at certain tiers, you get a shout out on the pod in the form of a story snippet or summary or something that Sequoia’s going to do.
Sequoia: Every one hundred years, on the night of October third, four Muggles are transported to the wizarding world to make alliances between the magical and non-magical communities. [Kim snorts] As the night in question approaches, magical government officials from around the world gather at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to welcome the non-magical ambassadors. The clock strikes twelve, and four very confused teen girls appear in the courtyard. “Wait, this is not Hollister,” the blonde says slowly. Can Regina, Gretchen, Karen, and Katie create friendships between two very different worlds? Or will their inevitable rivalry with Draco, Greg, Vinny, and Blaise create a rift that will last centuries? [Kim laughs] That is our Mean Girls crossover. Today is October third. [both laugh heartily]
Kim: We’re gonna go watch Mean Girls after this.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re recording on October third and it felt necessary. [both laugh, then sigh]
Kim: Shout out to A Is Life, Shannon Williams, Emily Stavropoulos, Brooke Hicks, Paige Moorehead, and Jennifer Smith. Your support means so much to us. Thank you so much.
Sequoia: Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for our amazing theme song. It is Wolfstar.
Both: BYEEEE!