Episode 87: Cinder-Percy
Everything is kind of a mess right now, so we got you something TOTALLY SILLY.
Recommendation: Professor
https://archiveofourown.org/works/917428
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Eliana
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Okay, here's the thing, dude. I need you to stop, like, hitting your microphone and your pop filter and your mic stand all the ti… [a faint rustling noise] oh, are you rubbing your face on it now?
Kim: It's my friend. I want to show it how much I love it.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Don't. Don't do that.
Kim: Oops, I fucked… I fucked it up. I fucked it up.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: Well, you're not here to watch me! [both chuckle] You can't… you can't… I'm not being well controlled!
Sequoia: I need you to keep it…
Kim: What if… what if… what if I…
Sequoia: …under control.
Kim: What if I made out with the pop filter? [laughs]
Sequoia: Do… oh god! [laughs]
Kim: It’s lookin’ real fresh today.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and [singing] Where to Find Them!
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: [laughs] Welcome to the podcast. I have something great to read today, we've got some amazing segments to do, but first, a couple of announcements.
Kim: Announcement number one.
Sequoia: Trans identities are valid, and we love you all forever.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And that, yes. Yes. Always and forever.
Kim: That’s all that needs to be said. For now. From us, a couple of morons.
Sequoia: Yep. [both laugh]
Kim: Announcement/discussion number two.
Sequoia: So we have…
Kim: Recorded about eighty seven that we've released in the regular feed of these episodes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah? Well, this is eighty seven.
Sequoia: This is eighty seven, yes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Over that time, we have had a couple conversations surrounding giving out links to the stories that we are reading on the podcast.
Kim: Yeah. A million years ago, when we started this pod, we made the decision not to include links to the original stories in the episodes, and to choose really old stories. We made those decisions because we sincerely did not want it to seem like we were putting these old, silly stories on blast.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Because we're not trying to do that.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: We love this shit. This shit’s great.
Sequoia: Absolutely! And we didn't want… we also didn't have any concept of what our audience was going to look like.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We were, like, I don't know, we got ten friends and we don't know who else is ever gonna listen to this podcast.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So one of the things at the forefront of that was, like, we don't want to put this out there as a list of fanfictions for someone to go do a bunch of flames on.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And make a bunch of nasty comments on, so… but now we know what our audience is. We have this amazing, like, incredible fanfiction loving community here.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That we didn't know that we would have.
Kim: [laughs] We didn't know anything when we started.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Good god.
Sequoia: Zero idea. [laughs]
Kim: So now we feel kind of bad that we're not crediting these stories.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whoops!
Sequoia: Yeah, so we are… starting today, we are going to be announcing the authors and putting the links to the stories in our descriptions.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we're going to go through the entire backlog and get those links in those descriptions as well. So that's what we're doing. Keep in mind also, like, today's story I heavily edited down.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So when… when we do post these, they are often going to be edited for length, and also for content.
Kim: Yeah, we don't always talk about this on the pod but we… [laughs] we read stories that are really old. We have progressed since the early 2000s in many ways. These stories often contain things that we just don't feel like reading. So know that before you go there.
Sequoia: And then third announcement.
Kim: This one is only for our American listeners, once again. It's the end of September, right? It’s the end of September. I don't know when this episode comes out. What's wrong with me?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah it’s the end of… it’s the end of September. For sure. For sure.
Kim: All right! It's the end of September. That means right now is the perfect time to go check your voter registration, make sure it's up to date so that you are going to be able to vote as easily as possible for yourself. So I know that because of the whole, you know, crazy world situation a lot of us have maybe moved, changed locations. Make sure your voter registration is up to date so they can vote! And then also, you guys are great. You all are so good at reaching out to your fellow people and telling them about some stupid garbage. So…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Reach out to some people around you who might need a little bit of assistance navigating our weird voting laws, and make sure that they are also able to vote as easily as possible. Help your friends vote!
Sequoia: I'm going to be linking in the description a couple of resources for you to use. There are websites that are really easy to check your voter registration on. And there's this… the Vlog Brothers do a series of videos on how to vote in every state. So I will be linking those in the description as well if you need some help making sure that… that our country here in the United States doesn't do a bad thing. Please vote for Joe Biden. Thank you for listening. [both laugh] All right! And then, on to some lighter announcements. Just some general shouting out to all the people who are sending us fan art right now.
Kim: We're getting some cool fan art! Oh my gosh! We've gotten so much Girlfriend fan art, and I am so about it! Oh my goodness!
Sequoia: It's very good. Here's the thing. If you're not following us on Instagram, you should be following us on Instagram.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because I post those in the stor… in our stories and on our regular feed.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: When they come up, so please follow us on Instagram @FanaticalFics if you want to see all this incredible stuff that the fam is doing.
Kim: The second shout out is a shout out to ourseeelves!
Sequoia: Pew, pew, pew! [both laugh] Yay! We’ve done a good job!
Kim: Shit. Fuck. Shit. [both laugh] Look, it's just so incredibly bizarre and exciting seeing you all tweeting at us, sharing your Instagram stories of getting Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All over the fucking world! What the fuck is this shit?!
Sequoia: [laughs] It's honestly… it's incredible.
Kim: Oh my goodness!
Sequoia: For, like, throughout the whole process of putting it together, it didn't seem real.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Until it was in our hands.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then somehow it seemed MORE real as soon as it was in the fam’s hands.
Kim: Yeah! [laughs]
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Its everywhere! I’m so excited! If you haven't ordered your copy of Yes!! Glitter!!! yet, go to our website and do that. We're still shipping them out.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We're still gonna maybe have to make a second batch some day. I’m very excited.
Sequoia: Definitely gonna have to make a second batch. [both laugh]
Kim: Amazing! Oh! Anyway. Thanks for letting us do this stupid thing.
Sequoia: And now, it's time to get into the fanfiction.
Kim: [loudly, in a bad English accent] The fanfiction, you say?
Sequoia: [loudly, in a bad English accent] The fanfiction!
Kim: [bad English accent] Hm, delicious.
Sequoia: Ah! Yes. It's time for predictions.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: If you would like to, we love to see your predictions.
Kim: Love to see ‘em.
Sequoia: Tweet them at us, #FanficDivination. Answer our story on Instagram or email them to us. Lots of people email them to us as well.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. And then, if you are a patron, make sure to put them in the Discord to get those house points.
Kim: House points! [both laugh] Who’s winning right now? Do you know? You… you… you’re keeping score.
Sequoia: I am. Okay, here's the thing. Ravenclaw was winning by a bunch.
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: At the end of last month.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And by the end of this month, it's who… it's anybody's game.
Kim: Really?!
Sequoia: Hufflepuff DESTROYED the writing competition.
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: And got a fuck ton of points. And then Slytherin has been going so hard into book club questions that, like, I don't even know. It’s anybody's game.
Kim: Well…
Sequoia: We’ll see.
Kim: If you want… you know who does need help, though? Help the Gryffindors!
Sequoia: Gryffindor! [both laugh]
Kim: Help out the Gryffindors! Anyone!
Sequoia: Any Gryffindor, please! [laughs]
Kim: Oh, my goodness. That's enough shouting about our stupid community, I guess.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Send us some predictions about what's going to happen based on these clues!
Sequoia: Here we are. This story is called Cinder-Percy. [Kim sputters loudly] [both laugh] We need to give it a moment. Kim DISAPPEARED out of like where… we're on this video call, and just out of frame. She left. She left! [Kim laugh cries in the background] Cinder-Percy.
Kim: Noooo! That’s too stupid!
Sequoia: [laughs] This is a listener submission!
Both: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Sequoia: So thanks to Vanessa for this. For having done this to Kim. Kim is out of frame still. [Kim continues to cry laugh] Like, come back!
Kim: Fine! I’m back. [Sequoia laughs] I’m crying! [Sequoia laughs again] I haven’t cried in a while. Oh, my god. [sniffs loudly] [sighs]
Sequoia: Cinder-Percy was… [Kim bursts out laughing again] Oh, my god! Are we gonna be able to do this episode?
Kim: I don’t know!
Sequoia: Can we get through this? It came out…
Kim: Let me breathe. [exhales loudly]
Sequoia: Post Goblet of Fire.
Kim: Hell, yes it did!
Sequoia: Yay. And this one didn't have any good genre tags on it, so I'm going to go ahead and tag it humor/romance. I'm sorry.
Kim: Naturally.
Sequoia: That’s what fits. That’s what fits.
Kim: Yeah. All right. Prediction number one. This is Perciver.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: I know what you are.
Sequoia: You do know what I am. [laughs]
Kim: It’s Percy/Oliver. Prediction number two. This takes place surrounding a Yule Ball.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Prediction number three. Dumbledore is playing the part of the fairy godmother. [Sequoia laughs] Guess the… I'm going pretty hard on the this is a direct parody of Cinderella, but you know what?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: I don't feel bad about it.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s good.
Kim: I’m feeling… feeling really good about it, actually.
Sequoia: Those are all very good.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: All right. Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a man named Percy Weasley.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “Stupid, bloody papers,” hissed Percy Weasley, as he sorted through the reports on his desk in his room one evening.
Kim: Okay. Okay, so this is a… oh! This is… damnit. [laughs] You know, I'm not sorry. [Sequoia laughs] I was kind of expecting this one to take place while Percy was still at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And apparently it is written post book four, but that's never stopped Perciver shippers before.
Sequoia: It hasn't. It hasn't. You know, you did your best.
Kim: You always… you always go Percy back. Date him back to the days of Hogwarts. FINE! He’s working!
Sequoia: He’s working. [groans] “Bloody waste of time. They never read the damn things, so no matter how important the points or well written they are, nothing will change. And then…”
Kim: This is a big work mood.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Why am I bothering to write any of these reports? No one’s gonna read ‘em! [Sequoia laughs] Although I feel like Percy… this is, like, more introspection that I feel like Percy shows in the books.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause all you get from Percy is like, I love work. I love reports. I love cauldron bottoms.
Kim: Yeah, exactly. He's like, all of my work’s important. And his brothers are like, it’s definitely not.
Sequoia: I am the most important! Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: You're a junior member writing bullshit reports.
Sequoia: Oh, you shall see.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “And then when it does become a problem they can't ignore, guess who will be blamed? Me!”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: An explosion rocked the house [Kim laughs] coming from the twins’ room.
Kim: Percy’s life is so hard.
Sequoia: He’s got all this paperwork and his brothers won't stop blowing up the fucking house. Enraged by the plaster drizzling down upon his papers from the ceiling, Percy flung the door of his room open. “Will you two give it a rest?! Some of us are trying to do real work here!”
Kim: Percy, you gotta move, bud. [Sequoia laughs] You gotta.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, you… you gotta. You graduated,
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You got a job, a pretty good job.
Kim: He’s got a job!
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Yeah, it's a good job, probably. I don't know.
Sequoia: It’s a good job.
Kim: How much does anyone get paid? Everyone works for the Ministry of Magic. [Sequoia laughs] [both sigh] He's saving up to get a… to wo… to save up a down payment.
Sequoia: Right. On his own… on his own home?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. That checks out.
Kim: ‘Cause it’s… that’s more financially responsible, says Percy.
Sequoia: I mean, he is nothing if not responsible. [Kim laughs] Two voices rose in simultaneous mocking as he slammed his door and tried to return to his work. “I hate my life,” thought Percy.
Kim: [laughs quietly] Poor Percy.
Sequoia: Also in this kingdom, there lived a prince.
Kim: Kingdom! [laughs]
Sequoia: It’s… you know, whatever. Once upon a time, there's… there was… there was a hamlet, and a kingdom and a… I don’t know.
Kim: I mean, I guess… I guess they are in… they are in A kingdom.
Sequoia: They are in the United Kingdom.
Kim: [strained] Yeah. [both laugh] What am I? who am I? I don't know anything.
Sequoia: [laughs] “No!” growled Oliver at his mother. [Kim gasps loudly]
Both: HEEEYYY!
Kim: That wasn’t a hard guess, honestly.
Sequoia: That was not. I mean…
Kim: It was very obvious.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was a gimme.
Sequoia: Yeah. But you're welcome, everyone, for the points everyone just got for knowing who I am as a person. Whoo!
Kim: Oh, Oliver!
Sequoia: “I won't do it! I didn't sign up for this! I just want to play Quidditch. That's it. I have no interest in getting married, or even getting a long-term relationship.”
Kim: I'm in a long-term relationship…
Both: …with Quidditch! [they laugh]
Kim: Too busy every night making out with a quaffle!
Sequoia: Quidditch! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, Quidditch.
Sequoia: Making out with Quidditch. “But darling, you've been voted the best player of the year, and most eligible wizard. I promise you it will be a low key affair and all you have to do is show up and dance with a few people. Then you and your Quidditch buddies can huddle somewhere in the corner and discuss the game, as usual.”
Kim: Oliver’s like eighteen.
Sequoia: Yeah. But I mean he's already the best player of the year as voted by whomever, or whatever.
Kim: Best player? I feel that would be, like, the best upcoming player.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: No? The best?
Sequoia: He’s already the best player!
Kim: Period? [Sequoia laughs] He was on the reserve team when we saw him in book four! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, but he's moved up since then, not only to the regular team but the best player of the year.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: They really just like undersold him on that reserve team.
Kim: Yeah, well, he must have really changed their mind real fast.
Sequoia: He was coming straight out of Hogwarts, you know.
Kim: Yeah, they didn't want to make everyone else jealous.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: But then, you know, star keeper, whomever, got a whichever, and Percy had to step up.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: And then no one could deny his talent.
Sequoia: No one. No one! Especially the people who voted in whichever forum they voted… [both laugh] where this award took place.
Kim: Well, there's only three publications, so Witch Weekly.
Sequoia: [laughing] Voted Witch Weekly’s best player of the year!
Kim: It’s not best, it’s actually just hottest.
Sequoia: I… yeah. I mean, most eligible wizard? Yeah, that was definitely Witch Weekly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For sure.
Kim: Yep. He’s eighteen, though! I know wizards get married weirdly young but, like…
Sequoia: I don't know, maybe this takes place like two years later. Maybe we're in their… we're in the twenties here.
Kim: Uh huh, that's not better. [Sequoia whines, then chuckles] Fine.
Sequoia: Oliver, who really did love his mother and hated to see her upset, gave in. “Well, I’ll show up. I’ll dance. I am not going to marry anyone there, though, so give up on that idea now.”
Kim: That's reasonable.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Oh, isn't this lovely, boys?” cried Mrs. Weasley brightly. “Our invitation to all of Oliver Wood’s party!”
Kim: [laughs] To the ball!
Sequoia: To the ball! We’re going to the ball, children! The twins cheered [both laugh] and Mr. Weasley smiled benignly upon them. Mrs. Weasley frowned at them. “I don't know if I can trust you two to attend.”
Kim: Definitely not. [Sequoia laughs] Definitely not.
Sequoia: No. They will blow something up.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Wherever they are.
Kim: You know what I don't feel like I've ever seen anywhere? Fred or George/Oliver.
Sequoia: Yo, that's a good ship.
Kim: [high pitched] Is it?
Sequoia: [high pitched] I think that's a good ship.
Kim: [higher pitched] Is it?
Sequoia: [higher pitched] I think… I think that’s a good ship. [chuckles quietly]
Kim: George or Fred are like, Oliver, buddy, you gotta calm down about this Quidditch stuff, let's make out instead! [Sequoia bursts out laughing] I don't think that checks out.
Sequoia: Nope, I'm into it.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] “No, really. Mom, we're not going to cause any trouble,” cried Fred. “All our friends will be there!” added George.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Oh, very well,” grumbled their mother. “You may attend. At least I know Percy won’t cause me any trouble,” she added with a fond smile.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Percy's head jerked up from studying the reports.
Kim: Studying the reports! [both laugh] Studying the reports. That's what work is!
Sequoia: Excuse me, mother. I’m studying the reports! [both laugh]
Kim: I feel like that’s like he's just like got them all laid out and he's just, like, inspecting the margins. This margin is smaller than these.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: We have to correct the layout.
Sequoia: He's not reading the reports.
Kim: No. [both laugh]
Sequoia: He’s just gazing upon them. “I'm not going,” he said firmly. “But, darling! You'll have fun,” coaxed Mrs. Weasley anxiously. “Get to see your old friends from school.”
Kim: I don't have friends!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Wait a second, what? What friends, mother? [both laugh] “Have some downtime, relax a little bit.” “RELAX?!” [both laugh] It’s like Percy's never heard that word in his whole fucking life.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Excuse me? Relax?
Kim: This is not exactly how Cinderella goes, but I like that…
Sequoia: I mean, you gotta… it's got to… fit.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: It’s got to fit. I think this author did a really fun job making everything fit.
Kim: Yeah. I love how this is going so far.
Sequoia: “RELAX?!” screeched Percy, “I can't relax. I have to read more than forty reports each day, summarize them all for my boss, and write up recommendation reports for each individual problem. I have no time!” He grasped his papers as he stomped back up to his room.
Kim: Oh, Percy. And you real… Percy, you did really fuck up last year.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: He’s got a lot of, like, making up to do.
Sequoia: Yeah. “I wonder if I should tell Percy that nobody really does all that,” mused Mr. Weasley.
Kim: Yeah, this is why the Ministry doesn't get anything done. [Sequoia laughs] Everybody works for the Ministry. Everyone is not doing their job, really. [laughs]
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: But there's a lot of them, so they're, like, all partially doing kind of a job, so there's a lot of, like useless shit getting generated, right?
Sequoia: Yeah. Mr. Weasley has been around this a long time, and he knows what the procedure is and the procedure is nothing. [Kim snickers] “It's not humanly possible. I know it's in the job description, but nobody really expects it. If he doesn't stop, he'll end up sick, or worse…”
Kim: Expelled! Fuck. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. I’m sorry, everyone.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, that deserves… we deserve to be apologized to for that. Rude. “Or worse, the Minister of Magic! Now there’s a job nobody wants.” He shuddered dramatically as they all resumed eating.
Kim: Wait, so if… yeah, okay. If Percy keeps doing so well, he'll end up sick, or worse, the Minister of Magic
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: That’s good. [Sequoia chuckles] That’s good. Percy would be the fucking worst Minister.
Sequoia: If he keeps actually completing all of his job, eventually…
Kim: He’ll get promoted! [Sequoia laughs] Oh dear!
Sequoia: A passage of time. Percy was sitting in the kitchen, working on three reports for the next day. He’d chosen to work in the kitchen because the entire family was gone at the party, and he could spread out all his papers on the table and work in peace. [Kim chuckles quietly] “I can't believe they expected me to go to this bloody ball. Anybody who knows Oliver knows this can't have been his idea, anyway.”
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He's right.
Sequoia: He's right. He knows Oliver really well.
Kim: Awww!
Sequoia: Ehhh. “I'm never going to get these done. Why did I ever sign up for this job in the first place? Every time I catch up on my work and get a moment's peace, they promote me!” [both laugh] How dare they?
Kim: How dare they promote me?!
Sequoia: He muttered as he worked. All of a sudden, a light began to grow in the kitchen.
Kim: I'm very excited to see who the fairy godmother is.
Sequoia: It grew from the tiniest pinprick of light to a beautiful warm glow that filled the kitchen. As it began to fade, Percy looked up and saw a winged vision standing before him.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Who in Merlin's name are you?” Percy demanded, staring at the odd creature.
Kim: Leave me alone, I'm… don’t you see I'm working?
Sequoia: [laughs] Don't you see I'm studying these reports? [both laugh] All right, we're gonna get a description of the fairy godmother here. Are you ready?
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: She had a green mohawk…
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: …blue eyes…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …and was dressed in leather pants…
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: …a sparkly purple shirt, and a very dramatic black trench coat.
Kim: [slowly] Interesting. Interesting, interesting, interesting. So this was written after Goblet of Fire.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I feel like if she had been around yet, this would be Tonks, right?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: This is so hardcore Tonks aesthetic.
Sequoia: It is. It is.
Kim: Interesting.
Sequoia: Yeah, she's a… she's a punk rock fairy godmother.
Kim: Nice. That's good.
Sequoia: Pink sparkly wings were tied onto her back. [both laugh]
Kim: She's going hard for something.
Sequoia: Yeah, she's trying to… there’s… this is a look. Apparently she doesn't HAVE wings.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Or NEED wings, but she has affixed them to her back in some manner. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, excellent.
Sequoia: She was all of three feet tall. He had never seen so bizarre a sight.
Kim: Huh. So this is some kind of magical creature. Yeah?
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And this is a…
Kim: With fake wings.
Sequoia: [sighs] Yeah. I don't know.
Kim: I like it.
Sequoia: She's… she’s going for something. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. Going hard.
Sequoia: “I’m your fairy godmother, silly,” cooed the disturbing being. “I'm here to help you fulfill your wish of going to the ball and marrying the prince.” [both laugh]
Kim: Percy’s like, what the fuck? No!
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: My wish is to stop having to do this bullshit work!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I don't know. Does she just, like, show up…
Kim: She’s…
Sequoia: …in people's kitchens at random, unannounced and say, I’m here to fulfill your wish of going to the ball and marrying the prince?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And everyone's like, excuse me? What? We… there is no…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: There’s not a ball. Or a prince.
Kim: What are you talking about? The prince of magic! [Sequoia laughs] We all know who that is, though.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Who's the prince of magic?
Kim: It’s Draco.
Sequoia: Oh. [laughs] He's the ice prince of leather pants. That's different.
Kim: And Magic. [both laugh] Fine! Who's the prince of magic?
Sequoia: I don't know!
Kim: Tweet at us.
Sequoia: Tweet at us, who’s the prince of magic? “What?!” yelled Percy, “If I had a wish, it would be to have these reports done! [Kim giggles] I don't want to go to the ball, and I certainly don't want to marry Oliver,” he said.
Kim: [fake laughing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…
Sequoia: [fake laughing] Heh, heh, heh, heh… Oliver? Never heard of him. What’s happening?”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Huh? Huh?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Huh? “Yes you do!” replied the fairy godmother. [both laugh] Replied the fairy godmother, who we shall call Glynnis, as she was rudely refusing to give her name.
Kim: Glynnis?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Glynnis.
Sequoia: Glynnis.
Kim: It’s a nice name, author. [both laugh] This character won't give their name, so I’m going to call them Glynnis.
Sequoia: She gave a wave of her wand, and the papers on the table leapt into neat piles, with three new piles filled with Percy's neat handwriting.
Kim: I feel like Percy’s gonna be fucking furious about this because he had them in a particular order. [Sequoia laughs] No? Yes?
Sequoia: Ah, we’ll see. We’ll see.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Hold for the text, please.
Kim: I had those cross alphabetized and dated!
Sequoia: Did you say, cross alphabetized?
Kim: Yeah. I don't know what that means. [Sequoia laughs] Don’t look at me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Cross alphabetized! [continues to laugh]
Kim: I can say stupid shit.
Sequoia: [slowly stops laughing] Okay. He looked at them in consternation, clearly wondering if he could learn that spell. “Uh, thank you,” said Percy, puzzled. “I'm glad that reports are done. I…”
Kim: It seems like they're not done. Did… did she also write the summaries and the recommendations for them?
Sequoia: Well, it says that the new…
Kim: Or did she just stack them?
Sequoia: The new piles were filled out with Percy's neat handwriting. So I'm assuming they’re done.
Kim: Oh! Okay.
Sequoia: She did a little spell, and all his work is done.
Kim: It's just got the Lorem ipsum in it though. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It doesn't matter! No one reads the reports, anyway!
Kim: Ohhh! yeah. It's just like Percy's diary about Oliver. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s filled with Lorem ipsum! No, this is supposed to be the part where all the… all the bir… the birds and the mice come together, and they do all of Cinderella's chores for her so she could go to the ball.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So at this point, you know, if we leave these all alone in their little piles, the mice and the birds are going to come and they're going to do all the reports for Percy.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And fill out all the reports for him.
Kim: They're going to eat the reports.
Sequoia: [laughs] For sure they’re going to eat the reports. Whoo! “I'm glad the reports are done. I don't want to go to the party, though, so, uh, thanks.”
Kim: Yes, you do.
Sequoia: “You don’t have to stay.”
Kim: You don't have anything better to be doing tonight, Percy.
Sequoia: Yeah. Now that you're done working, what else are you going to do?
Kim: I would be laying face down on the floor, scrolling through the internet.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: I have much better things to do.
Sequoia: Find me on Tik Tok for the next two point five hours. [laughs]
Kim: Jesus. Fine.
Sequoia: Whoo! “You don't have to stay.” He realized now that Glynnis was who she said she was, and no wizard with any sense would anger a fairy godmother.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: They were known to be somewhat unpredictable, and there was no spell in existence that could control one of them. “That's very kind of you, not wanting me to go to any trouble,” beamed Glynnis.
Kim: I'm very into this silly magical creature they’ve come up with. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, they're making her seem, like, all helpful and smiley and she's cooing, and she's nice, and she's punk rock as fuck, and I don’t…
Kim: But also, like, Percy’s a little terrified of her. I like it.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] She could fly off the handle at any moment. Curse him, or something.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: “But I've been waiting for my chance for years, and here it is. I'm going to liberate you from your unfair workload!” She gestured to the table. “And then give you a wonderful costume and send you off to the ball.”
Kim: She's just… she read Cinderella recently and was like, I want to do this!
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m going to tie some wings to my back. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: And then I'm going to go make him fall for the prince. “Really, that won't be necessary,” said Percy anxiously. She waved her wand and Percy found himself dressed in elegant dress robes, gleaming with the colors of peacock feathers.
Kim: He looks baller!
Sequoia: [laughs] I don't know, though. Like, if he's doing like a kind of, like, a gray, black, green experience?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Is that going with his hair?
Kim: No, it's peacock blue and green.
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Kim: He looks fly as fuck!
Sequoia: I don't know if that's going with his hair, though. I'm having trouble…
Kim: Who cares?! He looks beautiful! [both laugh]
Sequoia: He glanced in the mirror and appeared unharmed, other than a rather outrageous mask, which was painted like a bird’s face and ringed with peacock feathers.
Kim: Oh my god! Sequoia! Season one of the Masked Singer!
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: He looks like Donny Osmond!
Sequoia: It’s Donny Osmond! [laughs]
Kim: AAAHHH!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no, she left the frame again. [both laugh] [Sequoia sighs] He does look amazing. He's ready to go to the ball.
Kim: And sing! What?
Sequoia: And sing! [laughs] He looked down and saw that he had spiffy glass dress shoes as well. [Kim laughs] “For pity's sake,” he murmured desperately. “Now, here's your broom,” she said firmly, handing him an appalling creation. [Kim laughs louder] It had been painted white, and rather than straw bristles, had sparkling streamers, like those that were attached to her wand. [laughs]
Kim: This is so good.
Sequoia: This is, like, a white stick! [both cry laugh] With some streamers on it!
Kim: Now fly across the country on this broomstick! You’re not allowed to use floo, because you have to make an entrance! [Sequoia cry laughs] Or apparate. You’re definitely not allowed to apparate.
Sequoia: Oh no. [laughs] [both sigh] Yeah, the entrance would be ruined if you just popped up.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm.
Sequoia: If you just appeared there.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: You have to come in on your white stick with some sparkly streamers on it. He looks wonderful.
Kim: [laughing] I hope Oliver’s house isn’t far away.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] It’s like two hours later.
Kim: You’re gonna miss the ball. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Also, when you fly, his hair is gonna get all messed up.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He shows up, it’s just…
Kim: No, it’s not gonna get messed up because it's a whole head mask, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh, right! I forgot. Sure. [both laugh] He’s unrecognizable. Okay. “Remember now, you must leave at midnight, for the magic will end then, and all will be returned as it was,” she called after him.
Kim: Including the fucking reports? [Sequoia laughs loudly] Like, what are you talking about?
Sequoia: No, because by then, the mice and the birds will have come in and done the reports by hand.
Kim: Have eaten the reports by… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Either way, no reports are done. “I’ll remember!” he cried, waving.
Kim: He can use magic to keep up the illusion, also.
Sequoia: No, it's too dangerous.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: What if she were to be able to see through it? Then she’d get pissed off, and god knows what would happen then.
Kim: Right, okay, so she… she's got some story points that she's following and if he doesn't also follow them he'll get in trouble.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He will get in lots of trouble, so he just has to do them. A change of locale.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Oi! Percy. What are you doing here? Brilliant costume, by the way. Where'd you get it?” Oliver said cheerfully, as he greeted his one time fellow student.
Kim: Is it a costume ball, or is he just in a costume at a regular ball?
Sequoia: I think he’s just in a costume at a regular ball. [both laugh]
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: At no point was it mentioned that this must be a masquerade. Actually, maybe in a part I cut it might have said that there was a…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: It had to… it had to be a masquerade.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I think that maybe it IS a costume party, but…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …this is elaborate. For sure.
Kim: Yeah! He looks amazing.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Percy raised the mask so Oliver could see his harassed expression. “It appears I have a fairy godmother and she insisted I attend this tonight.” Oliver nearly fell over laughing.
Kim: Ha ha! Sucks to suck, bitch!
Sequoia: [laughs] Got ‘em. Eventually, Oliver calmed down enough to stop Percy from either walking out or punching him. [Kim laughs] “Sorry, I know there's nothing worse than falling afoul of a fairy godmother,” he gasped. “Here. Come dance with me. That ought to appease her,” he grinned kindly, and Percy’s heart began to speed up.
Kim: Ought it to? Oliver?!
Sequoia: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ought it?
Kim: Oh, really? Really, Oliver?! [Sequoia laughs] Dancing with you? Why would that fix anything, Oliver? Hm?!
Sequoia: I think we should keep trying it, though, until it does… it does fix it.
Kim: Uh huh?!
Sequoia: Just keep dancing until for sure.
Kim: Uh huh! Uh huh!
Sequoia: The problem is fixed.
Kim: Uh huh?! [Sequoia laughs] This solves Oliver’s problem, too, I bet, though. He’s like, I get to get out of whatever it is that my mom’s up to.
Sequoia: Yeah, his mom’s trying to fix him up.
Kim: Percy’s not that bad. All things considered.
Sequoia: It’s really funny.
Kim: He’s looking fly as fuck.
Sequoia: [laughs] “You don't think she's here, do you?” Percy asked in horror. “After all the effort she put into it? Of course she is.”
Kim: Oh, she’s watching you. Yep.
Sequoia: “She’s just hidden.”
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: You think she didn't fucking follow you here, dude? Come on!
Kim: Duh!
Sequoia: “A few dances won't hurt and ought to get her off your back.” The fairy godmother could not resist coming to see what she had wrought. She gazed upon the stunning ballroom, to the affectionate couple she had helped unite. [Kim scoffs] At last she fled, satisfied with her evening’s work. It was almost twelve, so she knew young Percy would be leaving soon anyway.
Kim: I hope they make out all night. [Sequoia laughs loudly] She's not… I mean, like, there are… there are parts of this that just aren't gonna line up. Oliver knows who Percy is.
Sequoia: Yeah. There's no… there's no getting around that one. Oh, well. [both laugh] “Oh gods, it's almost twelve. I better take off now,” Percy told Oliver. “That wacko said the magic would wear off at twelve, so who knows what's gonna happen then.”
Kim: [laughing loudly] Something bad.
Sequoia: Something terrible. All the reports will be gone. [Kim laughs] Curious as to what exactly would happen, Oliver gave him a speculative look and followed him outside.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: After all, he had heard rumors that sometimes the fairy clothing just vanished.
Kim: Oh, Oliver wants to see Percy's butt.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: Nice! [both laugh] Go for it, Oliver! Get it! Get it, Oliver!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] [sighs] Leaving the victim in a rather embarrassing quandary.
Kim: Hm. That they could just apparate home from.
Sequoia: [laughs] Imagine Percy has to fly back home on the… on the sparkle streamer stick, naked!
Kim: I assume the broom’s gonna disappear, right?
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. That's very true. A broom in the first place. As the clock struck the final note of twelve, the glamorous outfit and accessories faded away, leaving Percy standing at the bottom of the stairs, dressed once more in his nice comfortable normal robes.
Kim: Boring.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Right then, I’m off.”
Kim: He’s just, like, in his sweatpants
Sequoia: [laughs] What he was working in at home in the kitchen. Yeah, definitely sweatpants.
Kim: His work from home outfit.
Sequoia: I'm… I didn’t…
Kim: Pajamas.
Sequoia: I’m unfamiliar with a work from home outfit. I haven't been wearing the same outfit for two weeks. [laughs]
Kim: Bud? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Everything’s fine! “Right then, I’m off. It was nice seeing you again, Oliver.” “Yeah, see you around somewhere, Percy.”
Kim: Somewhere?
Sequoia: Somewhere. Sometime. I don't know. Keep it vague.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Keep it cool. Like, be chill about it. You know, a little bit…
Kim: Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: Like, he’s playing it cool, you know?
Kim: Okay. Okay. All right, I’ll see you… see you somewhere!
Sequoia: Some… somewhere, sometime, maybe? Who cares? I don’t really care…
Kim: I don’t care. Why would I care?
Sequoia: But like it would be cool, but like… I mean, I’ll call you, but maybe, you know. But I don’t know. Maybe you’ll call me, who knows? It’s chill. [laughs]
Kim: Wow. I can see why you go on so many dates. [both laugh] I’m sorry.
Sequoia: Really got me, dude!
Kim: I'm sorry. [Sequoia continues to laugh] I didn't mean it.
Sequoia: [sighs] “Tonight was kind of fun once you got here,” Oliver said.
Kim: [whispers] Get it.
Sequoia: “That’d be great,” said Percy with a pleased smile. “Send round an owl.” With a nod, he disapparated.
Kim: Ah, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. The broom’s gone, clearly.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Oliver looked down at the ground. “Oh, hey, he forgot his shoe,” he remarked in surprise [Kim snickers] peering at the glass item in question. Honestly I have a lot of questions about these shoes, now that I'm thinking about it.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: What? What?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: What is this shoe? [laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Maybe it’s not a lot of questions. Maybe it's just one question.
Kim: Yep. It is a glass loafer.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Comfortable.
Kim: God, could you fucking imagine? Jesus Christ!
Sequoia: [laughs] [sighs] Glass loafer!
Kim: Really hard to dance in.
Sequoia: Yeah. God, that’s got to be so incredibly uncomfortable.
Kim: Clear, question mark?
Sequoia: Clear. For sure, clear. So, like… ugh. Ugh. And also probably, like, really sweaty.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, really sweaty. And then it’s glass so, like, your… your sweaty foot is sort of clinging to the side of it, but it's clear…
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: …so people can see that happening.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: No, this is not okay.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] This is the worst. I hate this.
Sequoia: This is very rude. [both laugh]
Kim: I would not want that back.
Sequoia: Nope. [laughs] “Oh well. I'll give it back to him when I see him next.”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “This looks like it was the fairy godmother’s work, anyway.” The next morning, the Queen cornered her son and asked him about the mysterious stranger.
Kim: The Queen!
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know.
Kim: Mysterious stranger! [laughs]
Sequoia: She doesn't know Percy, I guess.
Kim: Yes, she does! [Sequoia laughs quietly] There’s only, like, ten wizards!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] “Oh, that was Percy. His fairy godmother showed up and made him come. Lost his shoe, though, so I guess I'll swing around sometime today and give it back to him,” Oliver said, around a mouthful of toast.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “That's the Weasley boy,” Mr. Wood said with interest.
Kim: He’s Mr. Wood and not the king? What is happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Kim: The Queen and…
Both: …Mr. Wood! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “He's been rising quite quickly through the ranks. Wouldn't be surprised if he made Minister of Magic some day. Poor thing.” [Kim laughs] “It's that bad?” Oliver asked, so surprised he… [both laugh] he dropped his forkful of scrambled eggs.
Kim: I have to save Percy from success!
Sequoia: [laughs] From this specific type of success.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Minister of Magic is, apparently, very scary.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “He's close… he's that close to getting stuck with that job?” “I'm afraid so, son,”
Kim: He’s probably a few years away from it, but you know.
Sequoia: I mean, tomorrow. Or tomorrow.
Kim: Okay, fine. Fine. [both laugh] Seems unlikely, but fine.
Sequoia: He's gotta rush over right now and be like, wait! You can't!
Kim: Don’t! Slack off from your job!
Sequoia: Don’t send those reports!
Kim: And make out with me! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Well, when I go over, I'll warn him. He can't realize the danger he's in,” Oliver said firmly. A change of locale.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Hey, Oliver. Didn't expect to see you so soon,” Fred cried cheerfully as Mr. Weasley…
Kim: Oh, you know, just casually coming over the next day! Totally…
Sequoia: I got this glass loafer. [Kim laughing] I’m sure no one really wants it, but I thought I’d just… drop by. In case… Percy wanted this back. Fred cried cheerfully, as Mr. Weasley let Oliver into the kitchen.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Oh, Percy lost his shoe last night, so I thought I'd return it,” Oliver replied.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Carelessly casting it onto the table.
Kim: Where it shattered.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Shattered?
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s like, oh, whatever. No, it’s no big deal, I just came over, like, nonchalantly, really casual. So casually that I’m just gonna toss this glass shoe… oh! Oh. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Uh… um… [laughs]
Kim: Let me make it up to you?
Sequoia: [laughs] Heeey! “Cool!” said George, attempting to try it on. “Doesn't fit me, though. I had no idea Percy's feet were so small.” “So where is Percy, anyway?” asked Oliver. “Oh, he's in his room, as usual,” Fred replied and led him there. “I brought your shoe back, but it's downstairs,” Oliver said when… [Kim laughs] I brought your shoe back, I left it in pieces in the kitchen. [both laugh] Oliver said when Percy looked up from behind the veritable mountains of paper on his desk. “Oh, hello, Oliver. It's nice to see you,” Percy replied mildly. “Well, I've already got the other shoe here, so now I guess I can wear them whenever I lose my mind.” [both laugh] Ooh! Got ‘em.
Kim: Accurate. [Sequoia laughs] Yep.
Sequoia: I guess he's not so afraid of the fairy godmother any more.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s like, I did what she asked.
Kim: Yeah, exactly. He’s done. He’s fulfilled his part of the… I don't know what.
Sequoia: And now I can bash her. Oliver laughed at the wry humor, thinking to himself that Percy deserved much more than to be relegated to the drudgery of the position at the head of the Ministry of Magic. “So since I'm here, do you want to go do something?” inquired Oliver…
Kim: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: …a little bit nervously.
Kim: Ooooh!
Sequoia: [laughs] I can’t. Percy looked at him standing there, and then looked down at the report he was working on, about the texture of ground wormtongue being imported. Abruptly, he pushed his papers aside and stood. “Sure. It'd be nice to get out and do something,” he said with a smile. “Great,” said Oliver, “I know this great place over…” Fred stared in disbelief as the two walked down the stairs chatting happily, Oliver with a cordial arm around Percy.
Kim: Cordial. That’s not cordial. What are you talking about?
Sequoia: Naaahh! Nah, nah, nah, he trying to get it! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “I swear the world gets stranger every day,” he muttered before dismissing the matter entirely. Soon afterwards, Percy ceased his rapid ascent through the ranks as he was too “busy” to take home work with him in the evenings and became “unavailable” to work on weekends.
Kim: Nice! I mean, good boundaries.
Sequoia: Yeah. Wait a second.
Kim: Honestly, buddy, don’t do this thing.
Sequoia: Percy, did you ever stop working? Where you always working?
Kim: Percy, buddy. Buddy. [both laugh] Do not do this thing.
Sequoia: [laughs] According to…
Kim: Oliver’s helping him draw healthy work life boundaries.
Sequoia: I love it!
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: I love that for him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: According to his mother, he’s never seemed so happy. Glynnis sat behind her shiny new desk and stared at the piles of paper on her desk with the greatest of misery. [Kim laughs] Her wings and wand hung on the coat rack behind her. A certificate of merit hung on the wall of the tiny cubicle. Promoted. Gods help her.
Kim: Excellent. Oh, delicious. That's very funny.
Sequoia: The end. [both laugh]
Kim: Did such a good job getting them together that… oh! That’s very funny.
Sequoia: Oh, no, she got promoted. I love it. [laughs]
Kim: So good. That was really good, honestly.
Sequoia: I was really… that one I was on the fence of rec or read.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And I love that story a lot.
Kim: I’m glad you read it.
Sequoia: But also, I am an easy read as far as Percy/Oliver is concerned.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And, okay…
Kim: Is that our first… is that our first Perciver on the pod? No.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Pinhead Percy is technically Perciver, kind of.
Kim: Okay, yeah, that's kind of it. It’s kind of… they don't… they don't make out.
Sequoia: I mean, they… yeah. I mean it is kind of unrequited.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And weird. [laughs]
Kim: Then they change their mind.
Sequoia: Exactly. So yeah, I think that's the first Perciver on the podcast.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: And also, this thing of taking, like, a fairy tale of some kind…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: This is a fanfiction thing.
Kim: Yes. Huge.
Sequoia: And it's been… I've… I wanted to do one but it's really hard to find one that's correct for the podcast.
Kim: It is usually Cinderella. Almost every time.
Sequoia: Yeah. It is Cinderella.
Kim: Like, almost every time.
Sequoia: Quite… quite… I mean, Cinderella is one that gets, like, a lot of adaptations in just, like, regular pop culture, so…
Kim: I got a point!
Sequoia: Yes, you did get a point.
Kim: I did it.
Sequoia: Good job, good job!
Kim: Hee hee hee hee!
Sequoia: It was the easiest point in the world. [laughs]
Kim: Look! Be proud of me!
Sequoia: I am proud of you. Good job, good job!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay! And now…
Kim: Pududududu! Dududududududu! Duhnuhnuh! Hold for the end, please! Hold for the end please is a segment where one of you, our dear listeners, sends us the end of a fanfiction that was not… that we read on the podcast that was not completed to your satisfaction. Today we got an email from Laura who could not stop thinking about Pocket Change.
Sequoia: Hell yes!
Kim: Which is one of my personal favorites.
Sequoia: Me too.
Kim: This is going to be very callback heavy to Pocket Change so, you know, maybe just pause this, and go listen to Pocket Change again.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] Why not? It's very good.
Kim: All right, Laura says, Ginny picks an outfit for Hermione for her date with Draco. It is a white tube top, denim mini skirt, and wedge sandals with the ties that crisscross up your calves.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Blue eyeshadow and, of course, the perfect lipstick to match her hair. [Sequoia laughs] Great outfit description. Thank you!
Sequoia: Of course.
Kim: Hermione and Draco finally go out on the date. He picks her up in a stretch limo and when they're on their way to the restaurant, the limo goes over a big bump and Hermione accidentally falls onto Draco's lips and they make out for a while.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah yeah!
Kim: [laughs] Classic. Do you think… do you think when they first land on the lips, the lips are closed, and then Hermione licks Draco's lips and he opens his mouth?
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm. Yeah.
Kim: ‘Kay. Good. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Disgusting.
Kim: [sighs] Horrible. [Sequoia laughs] They talk for hours at the Red Fan restaurant and realize how into each other they are. Hermione goes to the bathroom and calls Ginny to ask her if she should go all the way with Draco tonight. Ginny is surprised that she hasn't already. [both laugh] Ginny. [laughs] When Hermione gets back, she finds the Draco has been kidnapped!
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Gasp! Surprise! Shock! Oh, no! Hermione has no choice but to call Snape, and with his particular set of skills for sending messages between rival gangs the mafia and the black market…
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Snape manages to find Draco and free him. He does have to disarm a couple of bombs first.
Sequoia: Of course.
Kim: Snape finds out that Draco's a faaather planned the kidnapping [Sequoia gasps] because he found out about Hermione and wants to stop her from being with Draco by framing her for the kidnapping.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Dun dun dun!
Sequoia: Intricate.
Kim: It’s a very complex plan. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Lucius pays Snape $500 not to tell Draco he was behind the kidnapping. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, no, that might be my favorite detail!
Kim: That’s really good. [both continue to cry laugh]
Sequoia: Incredible!
Kim: Shit. $500! But Snape takes the money and tells Draco anyway. As a thank you for helping to rescue him, Draco gives Hermione a comped ticket to his show the following night.
Sequoia: Nice. Dragon. Here he comes.
Kim: Hermione goes to the show, Ginny helps her to pick out an outfit: short blue halter dress, shimmery silver eyeshadow and platforms.
Sequoia: Noice!
Kim: It’s a good one. Draco sees her at the concert and calls her up to the stage. He serenades her with an acoustic rendition of Cut to the Core. [both laugh] It’s all so good.
Sequoia: This is very good.
Kim: Then he proposes in front of the crowd, and she says yes.
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: (Because dating for a day is a perfectly acceptable amount of time to be dating before you get engaged, of course.)
Sequoia: Of course!
Kim: It's in a parenthetical, that last bit. It turns out Ginny's business is actually wedding planning [Sequoia laughs] so she organizes their wedding. Hermione writes an exposé on the kidnapping of Draco for Yes!! Glitter!!! They have the wedding at Blaise’s beach front house and Draco's faaather is not invited.
Sequoia: Oh, hell no.
Kim: Because of the whole kidnapping thing.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: So Tonks is Draco's best woman.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: ‘Cause they were friends in that for no apparent reason.
Sequoia: Yeah, they were best friends.
Kim: Neville officiates. In parentheses, (So Kim gets her prediction point) because apparently I predicted that Neville would be there. [Sequoia laughs] Like a moron.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: I should bring that back. Should I start putting that Neville’s in everything again?
Sequoia: Yeah! Do it. [laughs]
Kim: No. That's a bad idea. The twins and Lavender are Hermione’s bridesmaids.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: I assume all four twins, right?
Sequoia: Yeah! As… as we established. [both laugh]
Kim: Harry and Ron are there, taking time off from their jobs as a door to door salesman and a failing author, respectively. [Sequoia laughs] Those are pretty good.
Sequoia: Those are good!
Kim: I love any Pocket Change universe jobs for any character. I love them all! They're all excellent.
Sequoia: Oh, so good.
Kim: When it's time for photos, no one can find Ginny or Blaise because they're off doing it in one of the bathrooms.
Sequoia: Hell, yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Got that in there. Hermione’s hat editor/magazine owner, Cassandra, comes up to her at the wedding and tells her that because of the article about Draco's kidnapping, Yes!! Glitter!!! sold MORE than a million copies. [both laugh] And she's bequeathing the whole company to Hermione. Then Cassandra leaves out the side door with Snape. The end.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s so good!
Kim: Oh, fuck yeah!
Sequoia: [screams] That was so good!
Kim: That hit, like, every plot point. It was very good. Thank you very much, Laura, for sending that our way.
Sequoia: And now, it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Sequoia: Today, I am also recommending a listener submission. Shout out to Skylar for sending this in. It is called Professor.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: And it is about Remus Lupin the con man getting his job at Hogwarts as the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. It features Stan Shunpike and Ernie…
Kim: W… what?
Sequoia: …on the Knight Bus. It's a lot a bit. It's amazing. I love it.
Kim: Huh. That sounds super fun. Thank you.
Sequoia: Yeah, thanks to Skylar for that. You can find a link to that in the description of this episode. You can also find it on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com
Sequoia: There you'll find a list of all of our story recommendations as well as our story submission form. Keep sending us everything. All fanfiction that you read. [both laugh]
Kim: Hell yes. Also on our website you can find merch. On our website, Yes!!
Both: GLITTERRRRR!!!
Kim: Also, bookmark. Bookmark. Not bookmarks, bookmark. [Sequoia laughs] Stickers, and a link to our TeePublic, where we have a wide variety of merch with a wide variety of designs.
Sequoia: You can find us on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook @FanaticalFics. Tweet at us. We'd like to hear from you.
Kim: We did the tweet at us bit several times today.
Sequoia: Yeah, so do that. [laughs]
Kim: I’m into that. Haven’t done that in a while. Stupid. Email us, fanaticalfics@gmail.com, any of the myriad of number of things that we demand.
Sequoia: [laughs] If you want to help out the pod, there are a few ways to do that. First things first, you can leave us a review on iTunes, or Apple Podcasts [Kim laughs] or Facebook or wherever. Write a review of the podcast and stick it in a neighbor's mailbox. [Kim tries to hold in her laughter, which makes Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Fine. Trick everyone. Speaking of writing a review and sticking it in your neighbor's mailbox, trick everyone 2020. Tell people about the pod. Trick them into listening to the pod. You all are doing great work. We've gotten some really fun trick everyone tweets and stuff recently.
Sequoia: Yes. Keep it up.
Kim: I’m into it.
Sequoia: Keep up the good work.
Kim: Let us know when you succeed. Let us know when you fail. [Sequoia laughs] We're so proud of you.
Sequoia: You can also find us on Patreon, we have a Patreon. You can become a part of our Discord community where we do writing competitions and book clubs and talk about a bunch of wacko random stuff.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: You can also get full bonus episodes of the podcast…
Kim: Those are so fun.
Sequoia: …or exclusive swag. Yeah. Also, if you are a patron for six months at certain tiers, then we will give you a shout out on the podcast, in the form of a story summary. And so Kim’s gonna do that now.
Kim: Yes, I am. I wrote… this one’s just a fanfiction that I wrote. [both laugh] Here we go. “Dinner's almost ready P,” Lavender shouted from the next room. “You're the best, Lavender. I love how we hang out and have dinner together all the time,” Parvati responded. [Sequoia laughs] “Uh, yeah?” Lavender replied with a note of questioning in her voice.
Sequoia: [quietly] Oh, my god.
Kim: “And, um, have I mentioned how cute I think your hair is like that?” Parvati reached out and tucked a lock behind Lavender’s ear. There was a faint trace of a blush across her cheeks. “Thanks, P,” Lavender replied. Parvati leaned over and tasted the curry Lavender had been working on. Lavender came up behind her, snaked her arms around Parvati’s waist and rested her cheek against hers. “Uh, what's up, Lav?” “I'm hugging you, P.” “Well, sure, but why?” “Because you're my girlfriend.” [Sequoia laughs] “WHAT? REALLY?!” “We’ve dating for months, haven't we?” “Ohhhh! That explains so much. Awesome!” And Parvati kissed Lavender on the lips. [Sequoia laughs uncontrollably] Oh, no, I broke you.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! It’s okay, everything's chill. Okay. [laughs once more, then composes herself] Thank you so much to our patrons, Emily Kemp, Juju Kalembuje, Zoe Hornung, Carolyn Veccamens, Zoe Kloungs, and E.J.
Kim: Also, thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song: Wolfstar.
Both: Buh BYEEEEE!