Episode 86: Harry Potter Saves the Day Again
Another listener submission that’s siller than you could ever predict!
Breakfast and a Show series by Banjo
https://archiveofourown.org/users/banjo99/pseuds/banjo99
Recommendation: Or the Look Or the Words
https://archiveofourown.org/works/8274067
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Alexis
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Fuck, marry, kill.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: The sword of Gryffindor…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …Ravenclaw's diadem…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …and the Hufflepuff cup.
Sequoia: Huh, okay. Excellent question. Really well put together. Thanks for this one.
Kim: Thank you, thank you.
Sequoia: I think I am going to… I think I’m gonna marry the sword of Gryffindor.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I think I’m going to fuck the diadem.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And… uhhhhhhh… kill the cup? [both laugh]
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Did that make any sense?! [both laugh again]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: [theatrically] And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: [theatrically] It's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: [theatrically] Yes it is. [normally] We will be reading some Harry Potter fanfiction later in the pod, but first we have a couple of things to say at you.
Kim: Number one. It is September, and what that means for those of you who are our dear American listeners… I know we have a lot of international listeners. You can kinda check out for the next couple minutes or whatever, but our American listeners. It’s September, and what that means is if you’re eligible to vote in America, now is a great time to check your voter registration, and also the voter registration of everyone around you.
Sequoia: Please do that thing. Please be registered to vote. Please vote. Please use your voice and your platforms to try to make sure that everybody else votes too. [both laugh]
Kim: Vote as early as possible.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Please! Do it!
Sequoia: Please, please, please. Please. Please.
Kim: You know what? No. Specifically vote for Joe Biden as early as possible. Please do this.
Sequoia: As early as possible, please.
Kim: Next announcement.
Both: [singing loudly] Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: It’s out.
Kim: We did it!
Sequoia: It’s in people's mailboxes. We did it.
Kim: Sequoia, we did it!
Sequoia: We fucking did it. Honestly [Kim laughs] like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel light. I feel free. [laughs]
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. But the news for everyone specifically is all of our pre-orders have shipped. We did it.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yes!! Glitter!!! 2020. [giggles]
Sequoia: Yes!! Glitter!!! 2020!
Kim: But for those of you who didn’t get in on the pre-orders, the zine is still up for you to purchase and have shipped to you on our website.
Sequoia: Yep! It’s just… it’s not for pre-order any more, it’s for regular order now.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: So if you haven’t gotten it yet, go get Yes!! Glitter!!! and we’ll send it to you.
Kim: Next announcement. Thank you so much to everyone that sends us in ridiculous shit for all of our ridiculous segments. I have a request, though, for all of you. Please, when you’re sending something in for us, include your name that you are okay with us shouting you out for credit with.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: It can be anonymous if that’s good for you too. And also your pronouns, makes it a lot easier for us.
Sequoia: Yeah, we wanna make sure that we’re getting it right for ya and that we’re representing you the way that you’d like to be represented. So just make sure to include that in your OC email, your hold for the end please, your whatever. Honestly anything, any email you send us. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, we have a spot for that on the story submission form. So, yeah, use that and then in your emails as well, include that as well.
Sequoia: Yeah
Kim: Makes it a lot easier for us. Thank you.
Sequoia: We did have some fun stuff come in through Instagram the other… we’ve had actually a lot of fun stuff comin’ through Instagram lately.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: We’re gaining listeners all the time, and…
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: [laughs] And we have a lot of creative people that start to listen to the podcast and send us stuff we asked for. Stupid things we asked for a long time ago. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes. Those are coming in all over the place. I am enjoying we’re still getting those local fun facts, which I’m very into.
Sequoia: Yo, we got tweeted at twice this last week where people were like, I’m listening to the podcast and I’m so sad you got rid of the summaries section. [laughs]
Kim: Fuck! Okay, no. Fuck. [laughs] Fuck, you can’t be doing this shit to us! That was fucking audio poison. [Sequoia still laughing] I’m not sorry it’s gone. I will not apologize!
Sequoia: I just think it’s so funny.
Kim: Fuck!
Sequoia: It’s so funny that people are sad that that horrible segment is gone. We’ve got plenty of garbage segments for you to have now. [Kim screams] Anyway, what we were originally saying about Instagram is that we did get… somebody drew their predictions and posted them on Instagram. We’ve asked for that a couple of random times as a stupid joke.
Kim: Over. The. Years.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs] That’s a stupid joke that we have liked to make, and when somebody actually comes through on it, it is the literal best and I love it.
Kim: Hell yeah, so shout out to Laura Kleinheld on Instagram for doing that for us.
Sequoia: There will be a link in the description. That’s the same person that did the cute little… the cute little cartoons of us.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That were v v cute. So…
Kim: Yep. Thank you so much.
Sequoia: …go check that out. And that is the end. Of our announcements.
Kim: Correct. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Never.
Kim: Okay. You say that every time.
Sequoia: Okay, so we're gonna get into predictions here. As I said before, we’re always having some… some new listeners, which is very fun. If you’re new here with this episode, what we’re about to do is make some predictions of what is going to happen in whatever fucking nonsense Kim is about to read to me. So she is going to give three clues. She’s gonna give when it came out, what the title is, and what the genre tags are, and then I am gonna have to make up some whatever fucking bullshit. [chuckles] And give three predictions on what is going to happen in this fanfiction. You should do it too! And tweet them at us, #FanficDivination, answer our story on Instagram, or…
Kim: If you’re a patron, put ‘em in the Discord.
Sequoia: That’s the one. [laughs]
Kim: You ready?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: This fucker’s a listener submission. Pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: [sings in a high voice] Fuck yes!
Kim: So thanks to the anonymous listener who sent this in to me. The title is Harry Potter Saves the Day Again.
Sequoia: Again. [both laugh]
Kim: The genre tags are humor and romance.
Sequoia: Radical.
Kim: And this story came out right before Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Wow, this is really nothing to go on.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: [groans] I have, like, an idea of what the story is going to be like, but I have… I’m having trouble putting it into a prediction format that isn’t super vague. [both laugh] Makes any sense at all. Okay, uh, prediction number one, this is fucking Harmony.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: [laughs] Prediction number two. This story will take place during summer holiday at the Burrow. Everyone’s at the Burrow.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Prediction number three. There will be a made up magical creature. One that’s not expressly in the books.
Kim: Hmm, m’kay. You think Harry’s gonna save Hermione from some made up magical creature and then they’re gonna make out on Ron’s bed?
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh loudly] Exactly that is the story.
Kim: Okay. That’s fine, I guess.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Let’s get into this shit! Harry Potter Saves the Day Again.
Sequoia: [whispering] Again!
Kim: The author has helpfully started this story out with a warning.
Sequoia: Oooooh!
Kim: Which I’m going to read to you now. Warning: Don’t read this if you don’t like the idea of everyone at Hogwarts being gay.
Sequoia: [laughs heartily] Hell yeah!
Kim: Pew pew pewwwww!
Sequoia: All wizards are gayyy! [both laugh]
Kim: Much better than the normal slash warnings. Normal slash warnings bum me the fuck out.
Sequoia: Yeah, they do.
Kim: This one didn’t, though.
Sequoia: That’s awesome. I’m like yeah, okay, here. Here we are. This is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. [laughing] We exclusively like fanfiction where everyone at Hogwarts is gay. [both laugh] [both sigh] Incredible.
Kim: All right, here we go. Chapter one. Chapter one.
Sequoia: Chapter one! Is it just one chapter?
Kim: No.
Sequioa: Oh, okay.
Kim: It’s a two shot!
Sequoia: Two shot!
Kim: Chapter one. An Alarming Occurrence. Harry Potter woke up one morning to find that all was not as it should be. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I can’t imagine that he’s alarmed by that any more, honestly.
Kim: Yeah, like, yeah, checks out.
Sequoia: Okay, fine.
Kim: Everything is fucking weird. Checks out, checks out. For one thing, Ron wasn’t laying half on top of him snoring in his ear.
Sequoia: What? Wha? Uh! Okay!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Sure. I’m intrigued to see where this is going.
Kim: Mhm. He wondered where Ron was and how he had managed to get up without Harry noticing. Harry is a deep sleeper, why not?
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: A light sleeper? I think Harry’s probably more likely to be a light sleeper.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ron got up somehow, though. From ON TOP of him.
Sequoia: Harry does have to be constantly on guard, so, you know…
Kim: Constant vigilance!
Sequoia: Constant vigilance. He could be murdered at any moment.
Kim: Any second.
Sequoia: It would be bad if he was a deep sleeper.
Kim: Yeah, all right. Fine. Harry got up and wandered over to Ron’s bed on the off chance that he was actually sleeping in his own bed for once. He wasn’t. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Every… everyone at Hogwarts is gay. No one is sleeping in their own bed.
Kim: No, that's boring! [both laugh] What’s the use of having dorm rooms when you’re all gay if you’re not all sleeping with each other? [both laugh]
Kim: Harry stepped across to Dean and Seamus’s bed…
Sequoia: Yes. [Kim snickers] YES! I love that ship.
Kim: Sure, it’s a fine ship. …trying to remember whose bed it had actually been originally. [laughs]
Sequoia: Doesn’t matter.
Kim: No. Anyway, they were both there now.
Sequoia: I love it. I love that ship!
Kim: I really hope everyone in this room is really good at silencing spells.
Sequoia: [laughs] They’ve… it’s… it’s become a necessity over time.
Kim: Correct. [Sequoia chuckles] He pulled open the curtains to find that his friends were spooning facing away from him. He swore and stomped around to the other side of the bed. So fucking inconsiderate, sleeping not facing the way I approached your bed.
Sequoia: [laughs] How dare you?
Kim: How dare you spoon facing that direction?
Sequoia: I have to walk all the way around this bed now. [Kim laughs] It’s a waste of time.
Kim: It seems like Dean and Seamus are more ready for like dangerous action than Harry and Ron’s sleeping position is.
Sequoia: With… with Ron’s hand just…
Kim: Ron entirely sprawled out on top of Harry? [both chuckle]
Sequoia: Harry unable to move or get up. [laughs]
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: [laughs] “Oi, Dean, Seamus, wake up!” He yelled, rather unkindly.
Sequoia: Listen, all is not well!
Kim: All is not well!
Sequoia: Get the fuck up! Face me! Look at me! [laughs]
Kim: [whiny voice] Look at me! [Sequoia laughs harder] I need help! I’m the chosen one, help meee! [both laugh] The two boys sleepily opened their eyes and demanded he tell them what the hell was going on. “I can’t find Ron!” Harry said [Sequoia cackles] going into pathetic mode. Very different from all caps mode.
Sequoia: I was about to say, is that…? [laughs]
Kim: It's the opposite.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm.
Kim: “And it’s our job to look after your boyfriend for you?” Dean inquired.
Sequoia: [laughs] Um, YES. [both laugh] Clearly.
Kim: It’s everyone’s job to look after Ron.
Sequoia: And me!
Kim: That’s everyone’s responsibility. [both laugh] Well, have you seen him anywhere? “Yeah,” Shemus… Shemus?
Sequoia: Shemus?
Kim: Fuck. Seamus grinned cheekily. “He stopped by for a threesome with us, but he left again. Said something about going to shag Professor Snape.”
Both: Heh heh heh heh heh.
Kim: Got ‘em. Harry’s jaw dropped. “Really?”
Sequoia: Oh my god! Harry!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Have you ever heard of sarcasm before?
Kim: [whiny voice] He’s worried!
Sequoia: [laughs] All is not well!
Kim: [laughs] Seamus and Dean started laughing hysterically, and Harry realized that it was a joke. “He probably went down to breakfast or something,” said Dean reasonably. “Oh. Okay. I’ll go look. Uh, sorry for waking you up.”
Sequoia: No, you’re not.
Kim: He’s not, not even a little bit.
Sequoia: You’re not. Yeah, think of anything reasonable. Ron’s not here.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Therefore…
Kim: [whiny voice] Help me!
Sequoia: Something is… not everything is well. Yeah, no, he went to breakfast or anywhere else that makes any sense.
Kim: He went to take a piss. [Sequioa laughs] Harry. When Harry had gone, Seamus commented, “You know, for the savior of the wizarding world, he can be remarkably dense.” [Sequoia laughs] Mean.
Sequoia: I say that all the time, too, my dude.
Kim: About Harry?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We say that all the time.
Kim: Fine! Correct! [Sequoia laughs] Ron was not in the Great Hall, [Sequoia gasps] nor had anyone seen him that morning.
Sequoia: [gasps dramatically] Where could he be?
Kim: Where is Ron? Where the fuck is Ron? [laughs] That’s a good song. Right?
Sequoia: Oh! That is a good song.
Kim: Harry and the Potters song? Sorry. [both laugh] Not related. Harry didn’t know why he was getting so worried, but he was both possessive and paranoid, which probably had something to do with it. [Sequoia laughs] Maybe. Ya know.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s all that childhood trauma. [both laugh raucously]
Kim: Possessive and paranoid. The two best traits in a partner.
Sequoia: Yeah, love to have those together. [both laugh] I mean, he… he is rightfully paranoid, to be fair.
Kim: Fine, yes.
Sequoia: To be fair.
Kim: Dating Harry is a hazard for your health. Correct.
Sequoia: Absolutely! You could die at any point. [laughs]
Kim: Sequoia, we're all dying every day.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Thanks for keeping the podcast light. I… [both laugh]
Kim: He went back to the dormitory, having had a brilliant idea. He pulled out the Marauder’s Map.
Sequoia: Oh, fucking duh!
Kim: Yeah. Underutilized in most fics.
Sequoia: Really, it’s underutilized in the books. [both laugh]
Kim: True.
Sequoia: At first I was like, he went back, he had a brilliant idea and ya know, being who he is, possessive and paranoid, he had stuck a tracker on Ron [Kim laughs] early in the relationship.
Kim: No, he has a tracker for everyone in the castle, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Every person. Every person.
Kim: He pulled the Marauder’s Map out of his trunk and peered at the numerous small dots on it, searching for the one with Ron’s name. When he found it, his blood ran cold.
Sequoia: [gasps] Where is it?
Kim: Ron appeared to be in a small room in a distant part of the castle, and with him in the room [Sequoia gasps] was…
Sequoia: [gasps] [under her breath] Draco Malfoy.
Kim: …Lord Voldemort.
Sequoia: OH FUUUCK! [Kim laughs] Okay, so here's the thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What I was saying earlier when I doing predictions, I had like a vague idea of what this story was going to be like. Right?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I kind of was thinking it was gonna go in a very non Voldemort direction. Like Harry saves the world again and he saved it from like a bad hair day or like… [both laugh] I was like, this is going to be something mundane and nothing.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: But Lord Voldemort is here, so clearly I was…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …very wrong.
Kim: You were way off.
Sequoia: Super wrong. [laughs]
Kim: I like Harry saves the day from a bad haircut, though. [Sequoia chuckles] That’s awesome. I don’t think Harry has that capability though, have you seen that boy’s hair?
Sequoia: [laughs] Someone help that boy!
Kim: [laughs] As Harry read the name, he gasped, green eyes going round behind his glasses. The sky outside darkened and there was a flash of lightning and a roll of thunder. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I wonder if that happens every time someone reads Lord Voldemort’s name.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Mmm. That could get inconvenient.
Kim: Yes.
[pause]
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Then everything went back to normal as Harry stood up decisively, grabbing his wand. “I must go save Ron!” he cried dramatically.
Sequoia: Go get any teacher. Any teacher!
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Go get any teacher!
Kim: I’m Harry Potter, I’m gonna go save Ron!
Sequoia: Go get any teacher.
Kim: No! Never!
Sequoia: FINE!
Kim: There’s no time! [Sequoia chuckles] Seamus and Dean failed to notice this, being somewhat preoccupied.
Sequoia: Oh man. [both laugh]
Kim: No one can help him. They’re all too busy. [long pause] Having gay sex? [Sequoia laughs] Everyone in Hogwarts…
Sequoia: I mean, if your friends are right there and you were like, hey! Lord Voldemort is here. I could use some backup, they could stop for a minute. Help you out.
Kim: Harry is too considerate to interrupt them. [Sequoia laughs] He already bothered them once today.
Sequoia: That’s true, he did. And rather rudely.
Kim: Yes. Harry ran out of the room, the map still in his hand. He rushed along endless hallways, up and down twisting staircases, until he saw the dot marked Harry Potter on the map, right outside the room where Ron and You Know Who were. [Sequoia gasps] The map fluttered out of his hand onto the floor and he forgot, in his excitement, to wipe it clean. [Sequoia gasps] Harry held out his wand in front of him, gave his best, I Am Harry Potter, the Bravest Wizard in the World look. [both laugh] Ohhhh, Harry.
Sequoia: Sure. That’s…
Kim: Oh, Harry.
Sequoia: I don’t… I don’t know what that would look like.
Kim: It’s just the way his face looks.
Sequoia: Oh. The way his face looks all the time?
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, sure. [chuckles] Except when he’s real scared. [both chuckle]
Kim: [whiny voice] He’s still so brave! He’s so brave! [Sequoia laughs] And then rushed at the door, banging it open. [Sequoia gasps] Then he stopped and stared.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: Chapter two. Odd but Unalarming Occurrences.
Sequoia: Uuuuum, okay?
Kim: That’s quite a thrilling way to end a first chapter.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, he just walked in?
Kim: Barged in through the door!
Sequoia: Barged in…
Kim: And then, In the middle of the room was a large, round table with a white tablecloth, covered in plates of cookies and cakes. In the center was a large blue and white teapot and a vase of daffodils.
Sequoia: What the fuck? [laughs]
Kim: Several places were laid with blue willow pattern china and shining silverware. Spring breezes [Sequoia guffaws] wafted through the open window, fluttering the blue and white curtains, despite the fact that it was November.
Sequoia: Wow! [both laugh] They’ve really set the scene.
Kim: This is a… this is an aesthetic.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Someone’s going for something.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ron was sitting at the table, stuffing his face. Why not?
Sequoia: Oh man, again?
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: Is he just eating?
Kim: [whiny voice] He’s just so hungry.
Sequoia: Oh, man. [both laugh] I was hoping for more out of this Ron, but…
Kim: No. Nah, man. His blue and white striped pajamas coordinated perfectly with the decor.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Did Lord Voldemort pick him just so that he would match with the decor?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Doesn't matter. [laughs]
Sequoia: Absolutely. Without a doubt.
Kim: Across from him was Lord Voldemort, holding a pink tea cozy. Both looked up at Harry as he burst into the room.
Sequoia: What was the title of this chapter again?
Kim: This chapter is titled, Odd but Unalarming Occurrences.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think this is alarming. [Kim barely breathes while laughing] I’m alarmed.
Kim: What? What? What? Why?
Sequoia: Uhhhhhhhhhh, sure.
Kim: [high pitched, silly voice, used for Voldemort throughout] “Hello!” Voldemort said. “Would you like a cup of tea?” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Every time! Every time! I am one hundred percent sure that listeners send you this Voldemort stuff just ‘cause they wanna hear you do that voice.
Kim: [laughs] There’s a lot of Voldemort in this one.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. Apparently this is unalarming. Excellent. I am unalarmed. What is this aesthetic that he’s going for? Is this like…
Kim: It’s all blue and white, except for a vase of daffodils, and they’ve got like… it’s… it’s very pretty, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m… I like it. I’m into it.
Kim: Mhmm, like a fancy china shop look.
Sequoia: Yeah! It’s very, like, grandma's house.
Kim: Yes. [both laugh] It is. [deep bro voice, used for Ron throughout] “I’m glad you came to find me,” Ron said complacently. “Have a crumpet, they’re delicious.”
Sequoia: What the fu…
Kim: Harry’s… [laughs]
Sequoia: Ron, what the fuck, my dude? [both laugh]
Kim: Couldn't send a note? Leave a note.
Sequoia: [laughs] And that’s why you always leave a note.
Kim: Thank you. [Sequoia chuckles quietly] Harry’s tough and determined expression was quickly melting into one of utter confusion. A single thought permeated his addled brain. “Don't eat that, Ron!” he screamed, [both laugh] even though Ron was only a few feet away. “It might be poisoned!”
Sequoia: Yeah, or it’s like Alice in Wonderland and it makes you really big or it makes you really tiny.
Kim: This is Voldemort. He’s not going to have poisoned the crumpets. If he wanted you dead…
Sequoia: He’d just kill you.
Kim: …he’d just fucking kill you.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It would be a really elaborate set up for him to kill someone.
Kim: Yeah, this is… this is way more work than Voldemort ever feels like doing.
Sequoia: Nah, he kills people on the reg.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Normal day.
Kim: Yeah. “Don’t worry,” Ron replied, taking another bite. “Voldy here has been eating them too.” As if there was no such thing as taking an antidote to a poison so as to be immune to it! [Sequoia cackles] I guess that’s Harry’s thought, probably.
Sequioa: Yeah.
Kim: Paranoid. Protective.
Sequoia: Ron, how could you be so stupid?
Kim: Fucking Ron! “Voldy? What’s happened to you, Ron?”
Sequoia: They’re BFFs now.
Kim: They are? Why? How?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Explain yourself, Ron!
Sequoia: Because he offered Ron food.
Kim: Oh, yeah. That’s probably it.
Sequoia: That’s all you need to do. Ron has one trait! [laughs]
Kim: “Let me explain,” Voldemort said in a friendly voice, but with a trace of his usual hiss. Did you hear it? The hiss?
Sequoia: No. No. You wanna do it again?
Kim: “Let me explain! [both laugh] I wanted someone to have tea with so I kidnapped your friend Ron and brought him here. He’s been most charming company.”
Sequoia: I mean… [laughs]
Kim: [whiny voice] He was lonely.
Sequoia: I feel like it would probably be easier to just order one of your Death Eaters to have tea with you.
Kim: They’re so fucking boring!
Sequoia: [laughs] I mean, I suppose that’s valid. They are kind of, you know, two dimensional.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So I can see how that would get boring over time.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Just hanging out with Death Eaters.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: It does seem like a stretch to come all the way to Hogwarts, though.
Kim: Yeah. [both chuckle] But Hogwarts has so many potential friends in it!
Sequoia: [chuckles] Potential friends. Potential murder victims.
Kim: People who want to actively kill you.
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s a lot going on.
Kim: Harry looked at Ron, who nodded earnestly in confirmation. “Tea?” asked Harry incredulously. [Sequoia laughs] “But… but you’re the most evil wizard ever!”
Sequoia: As if evil wizards don’t like tea, my dude. [Kim laughs] Everyone likes tea.
Kim: Everyone could use some nice tea every once in a while.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Not any more! [Sequoia lets out one loud laugh] I’ve decided to be nice to everyone, because when I was evil nobody liked me. I… I got lonelyyy!”
Sequoia: And so now he’s a good guy. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He was lonely. Awwww. That’s so sad.
Kim: It turns out that being evil just kind of sucks.
Sequoia: This is… I am getting A Very Potter Musical vibes off of this Voldemort. [both laugh]
Kim: This is…
Sequoia: I don’t know if it’s just because we just had to watch those.
Kim: I have had Back to Hogwarts stuck in my head this entire week. [Sequoia laughs] We’re recording this the week of September first, to clarify.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s… if it’s gonna be any time, yeah. I mean, of course it’s gonna get lonely just hanging out with, like, Lucius Malfoy.
Kim: Dude fucking sucks.
Sequoia: That guy is awful.
Kim: Mhm. Wormtail? Yikes.
Sequoia: Like cannot be good company. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Kim: His voice sounded choked and he began to sniffle. [Sequoia makes pathetic crying sounds] Ron stood up and walked over to give him a friendly hug.
Sequoia: Ohhhhh!
Kim: Voldemort started to cry, burying his face in Ron’s shoulder. Ron murmured comforting nonsense to him and patted him on the shoulder [Sequoia laughs] until he stopped crying and blew his nose on the tea cozy. There, there Voldemort, don’t cry. We’re all friends here now.
Sequoia: When you… when you said comforting nonsense, I was more thinking he’s like, in a comforting voice being like, bookcase. [both laugh] Bed frame. [Kim continues laughing] Cup.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s just saying whatever. Nonsense in a comforting tone.
Kim: Fine. Is that how you comfort people? [Sequoia cackles] Can confirm you’re real bad at it.
Sequoia: [still laughing] It’s not my forte, okay? [both laugh] Oh man.
Kim: “Ron’s my friend now,” he said happily. Harry got jealous. [whiny tone] “Well, he’s my boyfriend, and you’re not going to take him away from me!” he yelled…
Sequoia: Here comes possessive. Here it comes.
Kim: [chuckles]…pointing his wand threateningly at Voldemort. The Dark Lord’s eyes went all red and slitted, and he made a menacing comment in Parseltongue. Harry hissed back at him, and Voldemort lost his evil expression in surprise. “You can speak Parseltongue?” he asked. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Awww friennndsuh.
Kim: “Yeah, I can,” Harry said. Soon they were involved in a snarky conversation. Nope, it doesn’t say snarky, it says snakey conversation.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think it should say both.
Both: A snarky, snakey conversation. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Nice. Harry sat down and poured himself a cup of tea. It was nice to find someone with the same talent as himself. Ron returned to his chair, chewing a lemon square morosely and feeling left out. Suddenly, he noticed footsteps approaching down the hallway. [Sequoia gasps] They stopped outside the door, and a moment later it was flung open dramatically for the second time.
Sequoia: Yeah, you left the… he left the map out in the hallway without wiping it.
Kim: You wanna guess who this is? Who has barged in dramatically to interrupt them?
Sequoia: Dramatically?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s gotta be Snape or Dumbledore, ‘cause of the drama.
Kim: Mmm. Draco Malfoy…
Sequoia: YEEES!
Kim: …stood framed in the doorway… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Damn it! Also the drama.
Kim: Yes! …breathless from running. His white blonde hair was elegantly disheveled, his cheeks were flushed, and his silver eyes sparkled.
Sequoia: Oh, wow.
Kim: He’s looking so handsome and disheveled.
Sequoia: Tousled, if you will.
Kim: Mmm. All right, here’s another voice comin’.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It’s hard to say. [drawling, dramatic voice, used for Draco throughout] “Harry! Ron! Thank goodness you’re both safe!” It’s really hard to say something like that in Draco voice, it turns out. [Sequoia chuckles] He never says, Harry.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: [drawling] Potter. [normally] That’s easier.
Sequoia: Yeah, and he… he’s… he also seems concerned for their safety, which is also not normal.
Kim: Also hard to do. “Thank goodness you’re both safe!” he exclaimed, his hand against his fast beating heart. Then he caught himself and resumed his accustomed sneer. “What are YOU doing here?” he asked contemptuously, as if he were not just the one who had burst in the room.
Sequoia: Is he saying that to Voldemort or to Harry and Ron?
Kim: To Harry and Ron, I think. [both laugh] Or maybe to all three of them?
Sequoia: Did Voldemort…
Kim: I think it’s all three of them?
Sequoia: I mean, fair point.
Kim: Yes. What is happening?
Sequoia: What are all three of them doing there in this context? But also, I wonder if Voldemort invited Draco to tea, too?
Kim: Oh yeah, Draco’s a good potential friend.
Sequoia: Yeah. He can… you know, they could have a lot in common as far as like, the evil stuff. And not having any friends. And, you know, sort of being trapped in a house with Lucius Malfoy. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And hating that guy, so…
Kim: Yes. “We’re having tea, Malfoy,” Harry said, with, he thought, admirable restraint. “Care to join us?”
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: “Don’t mind if I do.”
Sequoia: Oh jeez, this is a weird… [laughs]
Kim: Thank you. Draco…
Sequoia: This is a weird group of people. [both laugh]
Kim: It is. Draco took the remaining seat and Lord Voldemort served him tea. “You’re Lucius Malfoy’s son, aren’t you?” he asked politely. “Yes, Draco Malfoy. And you, I presume, are Lord Voldemort? Pleased to meet you.” [Sequoia laughs] “Likewise. How is your faaather?”
Sequoia: [cackles] You switching from voice to voice on those two voices is very fun.
Kim: It’s not going great for me.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s very fun for me. [both laugh]
Kim: I can do this. Here we go. What did I just say? I’ve already forgotten. [Sequoia chuckles] “How’s your father?” That’s right.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: “Never better. You remember Severus Snape?” “Ah yes, of course, good old Sevvy. He’s a great friend of mine.” “Well, he and myyy faaaather are getting married next month.” [Sequoia lets out a slow, quiet scream that gradually raises in pitch and volume] They just… this author has to get it there. They’re very serious. All wizards ARE GAY.
Sequoia: All wizards are gay.
Kim: Here are all the pairings. Here we go!
Sequoia: I love a fanfiction that has to insert as many pairings as possible.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Just like really going out of their way. [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. And the combo of must mention as many pairings as possible and all wizards are gay is just, like, the perfect intersection. [both laugh]
Kim: Very silly. I’m into it. What is happening? “How perfectly splendid!” “I’m sure you’ll receive an invitation.”
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Harry and Ron had been gaping in astonishment during this conversation. It was far too much information to assimilate quickly. [Sequoia laughs] They’re also not… not the brightest boys.
Sequoia: Yeah. They were not aware of this… the upcoming nuptials.
Kim: They’re just sitting there, heads going back and forth like, what. The. Fuck. Is. Hap. Pen. Ing? [Sequoia laughs] “So how did you get here?” Draco asked them companionably, forgetting to be mean.
Sequoia: It’s a con… it’s a conscious effort.
Kim: Yeah, no, he’s not forgetting, he’s trying. They explained, then asked him the same question. For once, he looked uncertain. “Well, I heard at breakfast that both of you had gone missing, so I thought I’d take a look around. I was walking, well, running, down this hallway, when I noticed a piece of paper on the floor. It was a map, and it showed that you two were in here with the Dark Lord.” “And you were worried about us?” Ron asked incredulously.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, apparently Draco was more worried about them than any other student or teacher. [continues laughing]
Kim: Yeah, Draco is the only one that fucking cared. He’s like, where’s Harry and Ron? Fuck! And he sprints out of the Great Hall. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Presumably, then, it’s noticeable at that time. It’s noticeable enough for Draco to know that they’re missing.
Kim: Yeah. Well, I think Draco is always looking for them. Draco is like, where are Harry and Ron? They’re not here. This is not normal. Ron is so hungry.
Sequoia: [laughs] [dramatically] Ron didn’t come to breakfast?
Kim: [chuckles softly] Harry suddenly noticed something. “Where are your stupid henchmen?” he asked. “I’ve never seen you go anywhere without them before.”
Sequoia: Making out!
Kim: I don’t know, are they? [laughs]
Sequoia: Of course they are!
Kim: Draco tried to do his I’m So Tough and Unemotionable… unemotionable? Unemotional. I’m having a problem.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is a rough day for us.
Kim: Fuck. Draco tried to do his I’m So Tough and Unemotional, I Don’t Care About Anything look, but ended up looking like a lost puppy.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: “Well, since Crabbe and Goyle got together, they haven’t been spending as much time with me.”
Sequoia: Awwww! He’s lonely and needs friends and Voldemort is lonely and needs friends and they’re gonna be friends now! Friendship.
Kim: Awww, his friends have abandoned him because they’re too busy making out.
Sequoia: They’re making out.
Kim: Like Harry and Ron have abandoned Hermione, apparently.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, where the fuck is Hermione?
Kim: Dead.
Sequoia: Making out with Lavender Brown.
Kim: Eh. [pause] No! Lavender is with Parvati, what is wrong with you?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Sorry, I’m so sorry.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I take it all back. I'm so sorry.
Kim: [laughs] He looked down at his plate, nervously crumbling a brownie between slender fingers. Harry was completely won over by the lost puppy face. [both laugh] Oh, Harry.
Sequoia: Harry’s like, [dramatically] what, someone needs assistance?
Kim: [dramatically] I’m Harry Potter! [Sequoia laughs] “Poor Draco,'' he murmured sympathetically. “I’ll be your friend,'' said Voldemort. “I was very lonely too, but Ron and Harry became my friends.”
Sequoia: I like how quickly everyone has become friends.
Kim: They’re all friends now!
Sequoia: Everybody’s friends.
Kim: Everything is sunshine and daffodils and spring breezes.
Sequoia: [laughs] And lemon squares and brownies and tea.
Kim: Tea! I want that. Dang.
Sequoia: Yeah, that sounds pretty good.
Kim: Yeah. [sighs]
Sequoia: Anyway.
Kim: Draco looked up at them, tears glistening in his eyes. “Will you be friends with me?” He asked plaintively. Neither of them hesitated an instant, but jumped up to hug him from both sides at once.
Sequoia: Awww!
Kim: “Hey, will you be our boyfriend?” Ron asked.
Sequoia: YES! YEEEEEEEEEEESSUH! [laughing] YEEEEEEEEES! NOICE. I didn’t think we were gonna get there and we did!
Kim: Why wouldn’t you think that? Has this author let us down at any point so far?
Sequoia: [laughs] That's true. This author is on the same wavelength as us.
Kim: Yeah, or I think we’re on the same wavelength as them.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: They wrote this a million years ago.
Sequoia: [laughs] Amazing.
Kim: “What, both of you at once?” Draco sounded more hopeful than deterred. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Into it.
Kim: “Sure, why not?” Harry said, leaning in to kiss Draco. In a moment, all three were happily snogging. [both cry laugh] Silly. I love it. Silly. This pairing… this… this… this fucking throuple…
Sequoia: [groans] So good.
Kim: It’s fucking nothing and I love it!
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! This is a classic fanfiction thing, where they’re all making out with each other at the same time. They’re just like…
Kim: Yeah. The author does not bother to tell us the mechanics of that…
Sequoia: It’s just like a…
Kim: …which I’m glad for, ‘cause this is nothing.
Sequoia: Everyone’s tongues are sort of…
Kim: Yes? There’s a lot of hand motioning happening where you are. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Anyway, moving on. [both laugh again]
Kim: Voldemort picked up his now empty teacup and looked thoughtfully at the tea leaves inside. If only I’d paid more attention in Divination class, he thought. Surely that’s a heart there. Which can only mean one thing. [pause] “I want a boyfriend too!” he announced.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Just then, there was a bright flash of green light from a previously unnoticed fireplace, and a man stumbled out of it, coughing and waving smoke from his face. When he stood up and looked around, all three students gasped in astonishment.
Sequoia: Okay, THIS is Dumbledore.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: I don’t know, tell me! I wanna know!
Kim: “It’s Professor Lockhart!” Harry exclaimed.
Sequoia: What the fuck?! [both dissolve into gasping laughter]
Kim: You think this story would be so vanilla as to go for Dumbledore/Voldemort? You fool!
Sequoia: [continues laughing] You fool! Yeah. [both laugh] This is… I… [sighs] [Kim laughs] This is a fucking masterpiece.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Okay, Lockhart/Voldemort. Let’s fucking go, dude.
Kim: “How did you get out of St. Mungo’s?” Ron asked. “Didn’t you lose your memory?” Draco inquired. [arrogant, enthusiastic tone] “Hello, boys,” the former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher said amiably. “I recovered my memory a few days ago, and I was just released from St. Mungo’s. I had nowhere else to go, so I thought I’d come back to Hogwarts. Has everything been running smoothly in my absence?” [Sequoia laughs] They assured Lockhart that the world had not stopped turning during his hospitalization. Then he looked up, straight into Lord Voldemort’s eyes.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: It was love at first sight. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
Sequoia: WOOOOOOW! WOW! Oh my god! Okay, the listener who sent this in…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …is amazing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Yes, thank you very much for that submission. What the fuck was that?
Sequoia: That was incredible. [Kim sighs] Oh, the pair… oh, the pairings and the tea and the…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The beginning…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …and…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Oh wow.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That was a great time. Thank you so much for reading that to me. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my goodness. Do you have a segment for us now, my friend? Oh also, no, before we go to the segment. All of your predictions were fucking wrong. Nice try.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. It was really right off the bat with that Harmony shit. Right off the bat that was wrong.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: I just… there was really not a lot to go on there and all I had in my brain was that one nugget of an idea that was like, this story is gonna be about Harry saving no one from anything very bad in particular.
Kim: I mean, I would argue that Harry did not save anyone in this story.
Sequoia: Ah, I should’ve said that. Damn it.
Kim: [laughs] Harry didn’t do anything.
Sequoia: He didn’t. Let’s do…
Both: …quick fics.
Kim: Quick fics is a segment where we quickly summarize some nonsense we found recently that may not be totally right for the pod.
Sequoia: I found a story called Chance Meetings, and the reason that I picked this story for a quick fic is this fucking pairing they have.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: Okay, so in this story, Vernon and Petunia are going to have a nice dinner out, and Vernon gets…
Kim: Okay. Already a weird place for a fic to start. I’m into it.
Sequoia: Right? Right? Vernon gets stuck at the office for what- whatever, whichever reason. So Petunia is like waiting and waiting and waiting for him to get there.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And they seat her at her table. And she’s waiting. And there’s this guy that walks past her. And then he’s sitting alone. And then they start chatting. And they’re having a drink together, and…
Kim: Fuck, who is it?
Sequoia: It’s Horace Slughorn! [both laugh]
Kim: The fuck?
Sequoia: And it’s Petunia/Slughorn, I guess.
Kim: Whaaaaaat? That’s fucking weird!
Sequoia: Isn’t that the most nutso pairing?
Kim: Yes! What is that? Awesome!
Sequoia: Bonkers.
Kim: Who comes up with that? That’s great!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Oh my god. Wow!
Sequoia: So the whole fic is just like basically her waiting for Vernon to get there, and then them just like sitting and chatting about their lives without him saying anything about magic and without her saying anything about magic, and they have a nice conversation.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: And it’s just like very… I was like what. Is. THIS? [both laugh]
Kim: Nice find, my dude.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s my quick fic.
Kim: Cool. Let’s go into…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewww!
Kim: I’m looking forward so much to the day when we can do that together and so it doesn’t have to sound like hot garbage.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, one day we’ll be able to be in the same room together again. [Kim laughs and sighs] One day. All right, what’s your rec, my dude?
Kim: I stole this rec shamelessly from our Discord.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Hang In There… shout out to Hang In There Baby Crookshanks, who posted this for me to steal. It’s called Or the Look Or the Words, and it is a very good rendition of the Harry and Ron go to the Yule Ball together and fall in love story.
Sequoia: [sings] Yessss.
Kim: It’s very good. [Sequoia laughs] I really like all the characters in it, and it’s really cute, and I think Harry/Ron’s funny, and I’m into it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo. Amazing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The link for that will be in the description of this episode. It will also be on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com
Sequoia: Also on our website is our story submission form. So that story that Kim read today came from the story submission form.
Kim: It certainly did.
Sequoia: It was submitted by one of you. So continue to send us that stuff.
Kim: Or whatever. I’ve read some buck wild shit from y’all and I like it.
Sequoia: You guys are good at finding stuff, yeah.
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Use that submission form. Send us stuff. Also on our website, you can find merch in a wide variety of places. [both laugh] Nope, two places.
Sequoia: That’s where you can find Yes!! Glitter!!! That’s available on our website, as well as our hold for the text please bookmarks, are on our website as well.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Then we’ve also got a link to our TeePublic, where there’s a lot more designs that are available on a wide variety of shirts and phone cases and mugs and all sorts of stuff, so go check out our merch. If you want to contact us, you can find us on social media. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, @fanaticalfics.
Kim: If you wanna send us something for any of our stupid ass segments [Sequoia chuckles] you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. If you’re sending something in for those segments, like we said at the top, make sure you include the name you want to be credited by and your pronouns.
Sequoia: If you wanna help out this podcast, there are a couple ways to do that. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or on Facebook or just shout a review of the podcast out your front door.
Kim: Also, I guess, as part of shouting the podcast… about the podcast out your front door, trick everyone 2020.
Sequoia: Pew pew peww!
Kim: Tell everyone about the pod. Trick people into listening to the pod.
Sequoia: You guys are so good at that. [Kim chortles] Honestly, very impressive stuff. Very impressive work. We also have a Patreon. We have a few different tiers. You can be a part of our Patreon Discord. There was a Discord wedding the other day. [Kim snorts] They’re doing a lot of interesting, weird ass shit on there. It was really fun. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, everyone’s so friendly and the Discord goes fast, but they’re all there to be friends with you.
Sequoia: Yep. [laughs]
Kim: They wanna be friends with you real bad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Both: Come join them. [both laugh]
Kim: Also as part of our Patreon, after a certain amount of time, you get a shout out on the pod, which Sequoia is going to do today in the form of a story summary. Give it to us, Sequoia!
Sequoia: [clears throat] When Vinnie and Greg sprinted into the Great Hall for breakfast, late yet again, they were not prepared for what they were about to see. Moldy Pants had finally found the perfect way to distract the students and faculty of Hogwarts so he could infiltrate the castle and kidnap Harry Potter. And now, Vinnie and Greg are the only ones who haven’t indulged in breakfast, and, therefore, the only ones who aren’t under the influence of a powerful potion. It’s breakfast and a deadly show as all the castle’s inhabitants are unable to stop themselves from dancing until they literally die. [Kim laughs] As nineties pop music reverberates through the halls of Hogwarts, can Vinnie and Greg find the antidote in time to save Harry Potter? Do they even want to?
Kim: [laughs] That was really good.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Shout out to James Irwin, Maraleah Evans, Melanie Degrief, Tierso Lutan, Deidre Leo, and Victoria Rochelle. Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to us.
Sequoia: That story summary was inspired by the breakfast and a show short stories that James writes in our Discord and also posts on AO3. So there will be a link in the description to that collection of stories.
Kim: Hell yeah. Look, the weirdos in our Discord create such great cursed content.
Sequoia: Wonderful. [both chuckle]
Kim: Go look at them. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for our amazing theme song, Wolfstar.
Both: Byyyyyyeeeee!