Episode 85: Snape's Revenge/Rodent Problems
Shout out to the listeners who made it possible for Sequoia to do this VERY SILLY THING.
Recommendation: Quenched
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1380886/1/Quenched
Kim: You tweeted something I do not agree with! You rude person.
Sequoia: Oh, did I? Ohhh, did I?
Kim: You tweeted for Percy Weasley’s birthday that we only support one Percy ship.
Sequoia: Mhm? Mhm.
Kim: And I cannot believe you've dragged me into this.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: Listen…
Kim: Look, there are so many other good Percy ships! Such as… [pause] [Sequoia laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: [fancy voice] Hooray.
Kim: Hooray.
Sequoia: Welcome to the pod.
Kim: Hell yeah. Where we read and react to ridiculous shit.
Sequoia: I'm excited to get into some ridiculous shit today. But first, we've got some announcements.
Kim: Yes. Announcement the first: I'm on Potterless today. Sequoia just finished up being on there for two episodes in a row. Today is my turn. I'm wrapping up the… Mike’s coverage of A Very Potter Senior Year. We had so much fun going on Potterless. It was such a blast. So if you're here from Potterless, welcome. And if you're one of our dear listeners, maybe go check that out. It was really fun!
Sequoia: Yeah, for sure! Go listen to the last three episodes of Potterless [Kim laughs] that we took over.
Kim: To just… just the second act of A Very Potter Senior Year. Wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that was a ton of fun. So go check those out.
Kim: And if you're new, welcome! We're excited to have you. We're gonna… Sequoia’s gonna read some stupid stuff to me today, I assume.
Sequoia: Yes. I'm gonna read some amazing listener submitted fuckin’ nonsense to you today.
Kim: Cool. Speaking of our lovely listeners, we got the cutest fanart the other day and I just wanted to say thank you.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'll go ahead and link to it in the description. We got it on Instagram. Somebody drew us!
Kim: So cute.
Sequoia: Just so fun and cute!
Kim: Aw.
Sequoia: And I loved it a lot.
Kim: Yeah, we get so much fun stuff sent to us. Thank you everyone for sending us both fun stuff, and cursed stuff. [Sequoia laughs] We've gotten some very fun cursed stuff recently.
Sequoia: Yeah, you gotta have a good balance in your life…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …of fun stuff and cursed stuff!
Kim: Yes, correct.
Sequoia: It’s necessary.
Kim: Now, you wanted to address something from the last episode as well?
Sequoia: I did. So we… okay, we went off on a whole tangent where I was talking about some movie where they pierced each other's tongues, and then we were talking about whether The Parent Trap was hardcore.
Kim: Uh huh. What happened was I didn't… I don't remember you saying that the movie included them piercing each other's tongues. I do remember you saying that it included them piercing... giving each other piercings, which is why I brought up The Parent Trap. So that wasn't on you. That's… [Sequoia laughs] You're not the one that did that.
Sequoia: No, but I did say an apple, which is what they do in The Parent Trap. So I actively mixed up The Parent Trap [Kim laughs] and the movie I was actually thinking of, which was Thirteen.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: A movie starring Evan Rachel Wood and Nikki Reed, in which they are thirteen year olds who do a bunch of drugs and shoplift and stuff, which is not…
Kim: Is this a movie that you have seen?
Sequoia: Actually, no! It’s not! [both laugh] But it is a hundred percent the movie that I was thinking… as soon as I saw the cover of the movie, like somebody tweeted at us…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: When we put it out on Patreon… this was even before it came out…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …wide release or whatever. Somebody was… two different people were like, hey, you are thinking of the movie Thirteen, and I was like, am I? And I looked it up and I saw the cover and I was like, this is exactly the movie I was thinking of, and I have never seen this. [both chuckle] And apparently it's ice. They use ice in the movie and not an apple, but I was actively mixing up this, like, drug fuelled, like, hardcore movie with The Parent Trap and I… [laughing] I just wanted to clear that up!
Kim: Just had to clear the air, address this horrible misstep of yours. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Here's the thing. I'm gonna be totally honest. I tried to cut that whole bit out of the episode. [Kim guffaws] But then I was like, I literally can't. I can't take this bit about The Parent Trap out. It's going to be so sad if I do. [laughs]
Kim: It’s too stupid. No, that was too dumb to cut.
Sequoia: But I was like, it's so dumb that I bring up a movie and have no idea what the fuck the movie is.
Kim: No that's right, that sounds good. That sounds correct. [both laugh] Okay, well, now that we've gotten that out of the way, do you wanna read some fanfiction?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, let's go ahead and get into some fanfiction.
Kim: You told me you have two for me today, so I'm excited for these pointportunities, because you fucking got a point in the Patreon livestream that we recorded maybe earlier today. It's not a big deal. Don't worry about our schedule. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yes, I did get a point. So I officially was the first one of us to put a point up on the scoreboard! For this season or whatever.
Kim: Well, I mean we reset the points and then the next two episodes were me reading to you. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: So like, fuck you man. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I still haven't gone back and seen… to see who won. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, neither have I.
Sequoia: Last season!
Kim: Neither have I.
Sequoia: Listen, we've been preoccupied.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Once Yes!! Glitter!!! is done we can actively do literally anything else. [laughs]
Kim: No. No, we're not gonna do anything else. Are you kidding me?
Sequoia: All right, here's your fucking pointportunities here, my dude,
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: You have six pointportunities.
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: So honestly, that's… that's evensies because I've had six pointportunities.
Kim: Sure. Correct. We'll see how I do. It's gonna be bad.
Sequoia: If you're new to the podcast, this is the part where we do predictions. So you're gonna make three predictions about something that's going to happen in this fanfiction we're about to read. You're gonna get three clues. You will get when it came out, you will get the genre tags and the title, and then you'll make three predictions. You can tweet them at us, #FanficDivination, you can answer the question on our Instagram story. And our patrons are putting those in our Discord for house points.
Kim: Or, you know, whisper them to the night wind.
Sequoia: [laughs] But write them down, stick that in an envelope, write Colin on the front, [Kim snorts] and send them to Colin.
Kim: Throw it in the river. What?
Sequoia: And throw it in the river and it'll get to Colin. Yeah, once you throw it in the river, then it’ll be directed to Colin.
Kim: We were just addressing the new listeners, and new listeners will not know who Colin is, you dummy. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That's for all the Colin heads out there.
Kim: Okay. We gotta… we got to pander to the Colin heads every once in a while. [both laugh]
Sequoia: All right, here are your clues.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Clue number one: the title. This fanfiction is called Snape’s Revenge. [Kim sighs] The genre tags are humor/parody.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And this came out post Goblet of Fire.
Kim: I love that time period. It’s the best time period.
Sequoia: It's a good time period.
Kim: Oh my god, those few months before Order of the Phoenix came out were stupid. [Sequoia laughs] All right, I have three predictions. Prediction number one, the target of Snape’s revenge is the Marauders.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Is that specific enough?
Sequoia: Yeah, that's fine.
Kim: ‘Kay. Prediction number two. There will be a color change prank in this. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, sure!
Kim: And prediction number three, Snape will not get any revenge in this! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god! Okay, great. [both chuckle] I love nothing more than a prediction to contradict the title.
Kim: There are no knives in this. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck.
Sequoia: There are no knives! All right, great. Here we go. Snape’s Revenge. Professor Severus Snape had never much cared for summer. Too happy and bright.
Kim: Is summer happy? We have had the least happy summer I think, ever.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, that's, very valid. Very valid. Summer, not always happy. Not always cheerful and bright. Maybe bright.
Kim: Not even bright! Jesus. Have you been outside recently? Can't see the sun because all of the smoke from the California fires is blocking out the sun where we live. [Sequoia laughs] In Utah. Fuck!
Sequoia: Oh man. Fine!
Kim: No, Snape’s wrong about summer!
Sequoia: Summer’s not happy or bright or cheerful. Thank you. [laughs]
Kim: It's 2020! All right, it's not 2020, it's nineteen ninety… I don't know, five.
Sequoia: Cheerfulness made him ill.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: On the positive side, there were no students.
Kim: Yeah, honestly, I would think that summer would be the best time for Snape. Doesn't have to deal with students.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Can do whatever he wants.
Sequoia: Hypothetically.
Kim: He spent a lot of time… I mean like, he didn't have any assignments. I guess he has an assignment this summer.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This summer he has an assignment from Dumbledore.
Sequoia: But the previous summers…
Kim: He gets to spend all summer masturbating. I don't know. [Sequoia laughs] What would Snape do with his time? Nothing good!
Sequoia: No. [chuckles] I feel like how could he ever have experienced a happy or bright summer? Like…
Kim: Mhm?
Sequoia: …doesn't he just have a cloud? A little rain cloud that follows him around and blocks out the sun, and… [laughs]
Kim: Like Eeyore? Sure. The Marauders put a curse on him so that a little rain cloud follows him around. Why haven't I seen that? Goddamn!
Sequoia: Wait! That was really good!
Kim: That’s a good prank!
Sequoia: That's a good prank. I like that. Whoo. But that also made a negative. Torturing students was one of the reasons Snape crawled out of bed each morning. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Valid. Snape fuckin’ sucks.
Sequoia: But now the students were gone. Yes, Snape really did hate summer. Another reason were the stupid midsummer Hogwarts staff meetings. [both laugh]
Kim: These are the staff meetings where they're like, fuck, we don't have a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher yet!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, you don't even know. Here’s the… [laughs]
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: I love this, especially ‘cause I can just imagine, like, Dumbledore… there's no, you know, students to puppeteer around, Harry's at the Dursleys’, so like…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: What is he going to do to him this summer?
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And he's just bored.
Kim: Mhm. Calls a lot of staff meetings.
Sequoia: Just putting together these staff meetings. [laughs]
Kim: When I think of… okay, the first thing I thought of when you said staff meetings, you know that one comic where they have, like, staff meetings? I forget what the comic’s name is.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But…
Sequoia: Where the professors have staff meetings?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: And Dumbledore’s like, ten points to Dumbledore! I dunno, he says that in everything though, let's be real. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. He's had… he's having a ridiculous meeting because he's fuckin’ bored.
Kim: Yeah. Okay. [scoffing] Staff meeting. [laughs] They don't plan things as a staff!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, doesn't Dumbledore just like, make decisions?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then owl everyone?
Kim: Yes. Hundred percent.
Sequoia: What was the purpose of a meeting? What a way to celebrate the solstice, locked up in the muggy staff room. Everyone looked miserable. Professor Flitwick was already asleep.
Kim: Heh!
Sequoia: Nothing very interesting happened in these meetings preceding the school year. Years before, Snape had given up hope that he would ever be offered the Defence Against the Dark Arts position.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts. That was his greatest wish.
Kim: It's a stupid wish. [Sequoia laughs] Why does… why does he want that? He is so stupid.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know. Especially because…
Kim: It's never... I feel like that's never made clear. Why he would… why he would want that.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, did he arrive wanting that job? It seems like.
Kim: It seems like it.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's implied that he's always wanted that job.
Kim: And it's never clear why he would want to teach that subject.
Sequoia: Yeah, especially given, like, that his...his thing is Potions anyway.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It doesn't make any sense.
Kim: Uh uh.
Sequoia: Yeah! Weird. [both laugh] Also, it's fucking cursed. Can you not tell?
Kim: He wants the c… oh, that’s it! He wants to be cursed so he can die.
Sequoia: Ohhh! oh, right. Well! [laughing] Now that we figured that out.
Kim: Got ‘em!
Sequoia: Now we cracked that canon conundrum. [both laugh] That was his greatest wish, his most desperate desire, his fondest dream. Despite everything, someday he knew that Albus Dumbledore would offer him the job. [both laugh] Unlike everyone else, Dumbledore looked thrilled to be here. [high pitched voice] "I'd like to start off the meeting with an important announcement," he said happily. "As you know…”
Kim: You’re…
Sequoia: Hmm?
Kim: I'm sorry, you're wearing your Potter Puppet Pals shirt.
Sequoia: Yes. And I am doing that voice. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes, you are.
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim: I’m very into it. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: The best Dumbledore…
Kim: [high pitched voice] Dumbledore!
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] Dumbedore voice. “As you know…”
Kim: [laughs] Very good.
Sequoia: “The Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching position is, as usual, empty! But I've found a solution, one that will hopefully be permanent. It's such a simple plan, such a brilliant one that I can't believe I never thought of it before!”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “For so many years, the perfect person for the job has been right under my nose."
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Snape's heart skipped a beat.
Kim: A lot of build up here.
Sequoia: Was this it? Was this the moment he had been waiting for?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: He could scarcely breathe. Dumbledore continued. "And I'm sure you'll all agree that he will be a wonderful professor.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “The new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor is…"
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Snape quickly tried to prepare a speech in his head. [both snicker]
Kim: What the fuck speech are you gonna give, Snape?
Sequoia: [laughs] Also, like…
Kim: [deep, nasal voice] Yes, I would like to thank all of you morons for this great opportunity to show you all up.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just like, the first person ever to give a speech.
Kim: On getting a teaching position? Yes.
Sequoia: Every time I get a job… job offer, I also give a speech.
Kim: Well, yeah, but you know…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’re all here for it.
Sequoia: Like, oh, my gosh, thank you so much for offering me this waitressing job. I… [Kim chuckling throughout] I can't… I can't even believe it, honestly. I'd like to thank my mom and my grandmother. I'd like to make my… thank my friends for supporting me. [both laugh]
Kim: And we're all like [claps] yeah! [Sequoia laughs] Because we all wait outside where you're getting interviewed. What?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: We've lost the thread.
Sequoia: [laughing] You all came with me to my job interview? [both laugh] Okay. [both keep laughing]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: All right. Drum roll please.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: [laughs] "Professor Snuggles McFlufferness." Dumbledore placed a cute, fluffy, and pink bunny rabbit on the table. [laughs]
Kim: Oh my god! Did Dumbledore steal Draco Junior?!
Sequoia: [laughs] It fits perfectly.
Kim: True, Draco and Harry did throw Draco Junior away.
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco Junior's here, ready to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Kim: Dumbledore’s given him the incorrect name, though.
Sequoia: Professor Snuggles McFlufferness?
Kim: Yeah. Obviously this is [laughing] Draco Junior!
Sequoia: Yeah, clearly this is Draco Junior. I think Dumbledore is trying to pass him off though, you know? As this… this professor that's been here the whole time. He says right under his nose the whole time. [Kim sighs, Sequoia laughs] Where… where is…
Kim: This… this is not Draco Junior This is Dumbledore Junior.
Sequoia: Ohhh, yes! His personal fluffy pink bunny.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: It's been under his nose…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: The whole time.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Or is it… is the… is the rabbit what they call the Hogwarts student counselor? Like, oh, you've had a really tough time this year. Come talk to the… to the counselor. And then the student walks in the counselor's office and they're like, this is a stuffed rabbit. [Sequoia laughs] What's happening to me? My boyfriend died. I really need to talk about it. This isn't helpful.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, instead of therapy they've just gotten like a… like a bunny you can go pet.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Not a person you could talk to...
Kim: Mm mm.
Sequoia: …about how your boyfriend just was murdered by Voldemort. And his body drug back to the castle [both chuckle] by a guy who's got a mega crush on you.
Kim: And... and him.
Sequoia: Yeah and him. [laughs]
Kim: Complicated stuff there.
Sequoia: Can’t talk to anyone about that, but you could pet this bunny.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: His name is Professor Snuggles McFlufferness. You could snuggle him, probably.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Right there in the name. Everyone stared. Snape felt like he had been shot with a Muggle gun right through the head. "He's a rabbit," Professor McGonagall pointed out. "I know," [Kim laughs] Dumbledore said cheerfully. [laughs] Dumbledore looks down and is like, oh, fuck. What is this?
Kim: This is…
Sequoia: A rabbit? [both laugh]
Kim: This is huge A Fluffy Pink Bunny energy. Is this the same author? What the fuck? [both laugh]
Sequoia: I don't think so. I might have to look, though. [laughs]
Kim: Oh my god. When Ron's like, what is that? And Harry’s like, It's a rabbit.
Sequoia: God. Did you know that that's a rabbit? Yeah, I know it's a rabbit. I brought it here to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. [Kim sighs] "I know," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "He's boring," said Hagrid.
Kim: [laughing] What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Hagrid’s like, here's the fucking thing. If it can't eat a student or light the student on fire… [laughs]
Kim: What's the fucking point?
Sequoia: What’s the point? [laughs]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Just a regular rabbit. Honestly, how dare you?
Kim: Not regular, it's very fluffy, and very pink!
Sequoia: Yeah! The rarest of bunnies. Professor Binns, the most boring ghost in the entire school, tried to stifle a laugh. "A rabbit!" "I assure you, he is most qualified for the job," Dumbledore said. "I urge you to give him a chance."
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: "I think he's sort of cute..."
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Professor Sinistra said tentatively.
Kim: Thanks, Sinistra.
Sequoia: "Look at his floppy ears and his li’l bunny nose." [both laugh] That's what Snape’s been missing this whole time!
Kim: Floppy ears and a little fluffy nose?
Sequoia: Yeah! If he really wanted the Defence Against the Dark Arts job, what he needed was some floppy ears and [cute baby voice] a widdle bunny nose!
Kim: Well, it's unfortunate that his animagus form is a Giant Squid, then.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Too true, too true. No one could deny that Professor Snuggles McFlufferness was adorable.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Snape fumed. [Kim snorts] He had suffered watching the Defence Against the Dark Arts position being filled by a servant of Voldemort…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...an idiot…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...a werewolf...
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: ...an imposter, and Satan incarnated. Now...
Kim: Satan? What?
Sequoia: Umbridge.
Kim: Wait, this was pre Order of the Phoenix, though.
Sequoia: It was!
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: That's very strange.
Kim: Heh.
Sequoia: That had not occurred to me. What the hell? [laughs]
Kim: What are they talking about?
Sequoia: Maybe it’s not Umbridge, maybe they're just… they were just assuming.
Kim: Yeah. Well, I felt like… I thought that this was the staff meeting taking place before the fifth year. I don't know. Weird! What's happening?!
Sequoia: That’s very strange.
Kim: Who is Satan?! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Who is Satan? Tweet at us. [sighs] Now a bunny? It was almost too much to take. A passage of time.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The school year began, and Defence Against the Dark Arts quickly became the students' favorite class. [Kim splutters] They said it was interesting and informative, [Kim laughs] challenging without being overwhelming. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Professor Snuggles McFlufferness is fucking killing it.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Doing a great job.
Kim: FINE. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Professor McFlufferness had also become a favorite with the staff. Many of the female students had taken a fancy to the cotton tailed teacher as well.
Kim: [baby voice] They wanted to hug da fwuffy bunny! Lavender's gotta love this professor, let's be real. Lavender’s here for it.
Sequoia: Professor McFlufferness is giving Trelawney a run for her money…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …in Lavender's book right now.
Kim: Yes. One hundred percent.
Sequoia: A hundred percent. [laughs]
Kim: [scoffing] Lavender.
Sequoia: Snape was the only one who didn't like Professor McFlufferness.
Kim: Snape was never gonna like whomever was in this job.
Sequoia: Anyone.
Kim: Yeah, it doesn't matter what Snape thinks.
Sequoia: [laughs] Any individual person. He couldn't put his finger on any one thing that he hated about the rabbit. Maybe it was his pretty pink fur. [Kim laughs] Or the way he wiggled his widdle nose.
Kim: Wait. Okay, is this not a stuffed animal?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh, did I not make that clear?
Kim: I was… I… I misunderstood.
Sequoia: It's a real bunny.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: I mean, it is… also Draco Junior.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Could have been turned into a real bunny.
Kim: Oh, okay, yeah.
Sequoia: He’s a real bunny!
Kim: Yeah, Draco Junior succeeded in his mission of getting Harry and Draco together, and became a real bunny, and became the professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts!
Sequoia: [laughs] That was his reward.
Kim: We’ve got a very solid canon going here. [Sequoia chuckles] It’s like in the Velveteen Rabbit, right?
Sequoia: Oh, it is like in the Velveteen Rabbit! Wow. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: You're making some really good connections here.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Whoo! Or the way he wiggled his little nose. [Kim scoffs] Or how cuddly he was. But one of the main reasons was that he had the job Snape wanted. As the weeks passed, Snape felt his anger building. He couldn't look at Professor McFlufferness without feeling the utmost hate. [Kim cackles] Why this rabbit?
Kim: Because the rabbit’s a competent professor, obviously.
Sequoia: Yeah, he runs an interesting and informative class that is both challenging… that is challenging without being overwhelming.
Kim: That's all you ever ask for in a teacher.
Sequoia: He's clearly the wight wabbit for the job!
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Snape was very qualified to teach Defence Against the Darks Arts. And he was the only one who truly wanted it! He promised himself he would have that job if it was the last thing he did. So…
Kim: [laughs] Bye Snape!
Sequoia: One night, long after the students had gone to bed, Snape crept into Snuggles McFlufferness's office where he was working late.
Kim: You know, a really good way to get someone else's job is to murder them in their sleep. Guaranteed way to get their job. Every time.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Do not do that. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Well, I mean that… then the job becomes vacant.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: At the very least.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Snape crept into Snuggles McFlufferness's office where he was working late. The rabbit saw the shadow of a raised dagger on the wall [Kim laughs] but as everyone knows, fluffy pink bunny rabbits can't scream! No one knew of the murder. Until the next morning.
Kim: Oh shit! Is the bunny dead?!
Sequoia: Yeah, he fucking stabbed Snuggles McFlufferness to death.
Kim: Holy shit! [Sequoia laughs] I guess Snuggles wasn't so good at Defence Against… knives.
Sequoia: Knives! [laughs] I did really like at the beginning where you were like, there are no knives in this fic! [laughs] Oh, funny, funny, funny.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Whoo. No one suspected Snape.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: That’s… there’s… who else is there to suspect?
Kim: There’s no other suspect.
Sequoia: No. It’s literally the cutest widdle bunny…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …doing a fucking kick-ass job at teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Who else would kill this bunny?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: No one, that is, except for Harry Potter and his friends.
Kim: [laughs] Here we go. I was wondering where they were!
Sequoia: They’re there. They’re background characters. [laughs]
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: But they never actually went to the authorities with their suspicions.
Kim: Of course not.
Sequoia: Snape went to Dumbledore on his own. “It was I!” Snape exclaimed. [both laugh]
Kim: Harry and Ron… Harry, Ron and Hermione were like, yeah, we'll just take care of this ourselves. But Snape took care of it first.
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: Oh god.
Sequoia: I just, like, how was this your plan to get the job, my dude?
Kim: Yeah, this is a bad plan.
Sequoia: Yeah, the murder made sure that the job was vacant.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But they can't give you the job if you're the murderer.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Don't go in with that. Don't lead with that. "It was I!" Snape exclaimed in a mad scientist sort of voice.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: "It was I who killed Professor Snuggles McFlufferness!" Dumbledore blinked. "Um, okay. Why did you do such a horrible thing?" [Kim laughs] Snape's eyes flashed. "Because I wanted the Defence Against the Dark Arts job!
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: I've always wanted it! I can't let cute bunnies get in the way of my dreams!" [both laugh]
Kim: Yep, you're definitely gonna get the job now, Snape. Good job. [Sequoia laughs] This is a great int… this interview is going really well.
Sequoia: At the end, he'll make a speech, we’ll all clap. Yeah. [chuckles] I think if we're gonna take one thing away from this story, it might be that we can't let cute bunnies get in the way of our dreams. [both laugh] Dumbledore blinked again. "You wanted that job?" "Yes! Didn't you just hear my dramatic declaration?" "Oh. I didn't know. You should have said something sooner." [both laugh] Oh no!
Kim: Snape just assumed everyone knew that he wanted the job. He actually never said it.
Sequoia: No. Never said it one time.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Snape's jaw dropped. "I should have...? Well, can I have it now?" Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm afraid not. You just murdered the last professor, so I'm afraid I'll have to send you to Azkaban. [Kim laughs] If you're still sane by the end of your sentence, sure.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “You can apply for the job."
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The headmaster shook his head as the Dementors drug Snape away. They went through these teachers so fast. [sighs] Now Neville Longbottom would have to teach.
Kim: [laughs] He’s not quite graduated yet, but he is the professor.
Sequoia: I mean, it's not a huge leap from fluffy pink bunny to…
Kim: To Neville?
Sequoia: …a student.
Kim: Yeah. Specifically Neville.
Sequoia: [laughs] The end.
Kim: Gonna give Neville the job. Dumbledore’s always hated that kid. [Sequoia laughs] Maybe he'll die too. Aww. That was silly! Thank you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thank you to the listener that sent that in. I love that story. So ridiculous.
Kim: I got zero points.
Sequoia: You got zero points but honestly, like...
Kim: There was no way I was going to get any of that.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Ever.
Sequoia: Nope nope nope. Nope!
Kim: Even once.
Sequoia: You did… when we were reading it, you did guess that the… the meeting was about we don't have a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher yet.
Kim: I mean, what else would they be meeting about? They meet about that every fucking summer.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, are you ready for more?
Kim: Give me more clues.
Sequoia: [British child voice] More, please.
Kim: See if I can do better this time.
Sequoia: Excellent. This story is titled: Rodent Problems. It is humor/parody…
Kim: Shit
Sequoia: …and it came out post Order of the Phoenix. [Kim sighs] OOTP.
Kim: All right, I've got three. Prediction number one, Crookshanks is the main character.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: Prediction number two, this takes place at Grimmauld Place.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: Prediction number three, Wormtail dies in this.
Sequoia: Amazing. Those are all very good predictions.
Kim: Thank you. This title was not terribly helpful. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I mean, no, not really. All right, let's get started with Rodent Problems.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: It was summer in Scotland.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: Beautiful, glorious, full blown summer.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: Sunlight poured over the stone walls of Hogwarts, and the halls were empty of students, filled with ghosts and prowled only by the teachers.
Kim: Filled with ghosts.
Sequoia: Like, filled. [laughs]
Kim: There's like four ghosts! What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, when the students are there, all the other ghosts winter in a different locale.
Kim: ‘Cause students are really fucking annoying. Sure. All right.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Canonically, children are annoying. So...
Kim: So what… what happens at Hogwarts over the summer is they host ghost orgies.
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh] Clearly.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It’s ghost summer camp. [both laugh] Up in his office, surrounded by portraits and artifacts uncounted, the Headmaster was looking over applications for the newest addition to the faculty.
Kim: Oh my god! Did you do two new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher stories? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Sequoia: [laughs] Everything! Hahaha, trickery! [laughs]
Kim: Are these by the same author? The fuck are you doing?
Sequoia: No! They’re from different authors. Let me do this!
Kim: Fiiine.
Sequoia: Yes, the Defence Against the Dark Arts position was open. Again.
Kim: It's always open! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s a fucking revolving door. [Kim sighs] At the edge of the lake, where the squid was known to toss up the odd tropical seashell…
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] Wait, what?
Sequoia: This story is full of just like, like… like… like, this author is incredible.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And just like, went hard into like, the flowery prose.
Kim: Sure, but what? Where is the squid getting tropical seashells in Scotland?
Sequoia: Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows, man? [laughs] Magic! I dunno.
Kim: Ugh, fine.
Sequoia: It’s a tropical seashell. At the edge of the lake, where the squid was known to toss up the odd tropical seashell, a woman appeared.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Beneath her feet, a magical flower swiftly bloomed, red and violet and spangled mauve. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Incredible.
Sequoia: I love this story so much. Physically, like, about to start crying.
Kim: Okay, so this woman has appeared and she's standing, it looks like she's appearing out of a big beautiful flower. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, I think that what they mean is that she, you know, she appeared… she apparated there and then a small flower came to bloom at her feet. But what I really want it to be is that she appears…
Kim: I'd prefer it to be enormous.
Sequoia: Yeah, in a flower.
Kim: Yeah. An enormous flower appears and it blooms into her. [Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: She tossed her raven black hair over her shoulder, and blinked her large, silver grey eyes against the shimmer of the sun over the lake’s surface.
Kim: I hope she's here to teach dance. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly! That is definitely… definitely…
Kim: That’d be funny.
Sequoia: I like… this… this…
Kim: Look, it’s a parody. Dumbledore’s like, I'm looking to hire a Defence Against the Dark Arts… and she's like, I'm here to teach dance. [Sequoia laughs] Jazz hands!
Sequoia: Those are not very good jazz hands. Just.. just so that everybody knows what's happening.
Kim: I go like this!
Sequoia: What I'm looking at…
Kim: We haven't done a visual bit in a long time. How's this going for ya?
Sequoia: [laughs] Those are not good jazz hands. I didn't know you could fuck up jazz hands. [laughs]
Kim: That’s fucking rude! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo. All right, she's here to teach dance or whatever. She’s looking out over the shimmering sun over the lake surface. Before pulling out the latest Firebolt 3000 and mounting effortlessly. [Kim laughs] Swifter and more graceful than a breeze, she swept across the shimmering water.
Kim: This author is doing some incredibly good things. They are…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Wow, I'm so impressed.
Sequoia: It's so good. [both laugh] She tipped a wink at the squid, who swooned.
Kim: What month is it, Sequoia! What are you doing?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen, we can have background squid stuff in other months. [both laugh]
Kim: It has to stay background.
Sequoia: It will, it’s just this one line.
Kim: Wink.
Sequoia: She tipped a wink…
Kim: A wink!
Sequoia: …at the squid, who swooned in his watery lair, and then alighted to the very castle doors, hardly a hair out of place.
Kim: I would like to mention that you can’t apparate on the grounds of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I knew you were gonna say that. [laughs] Ya didn’t need to point it out! We all know!
Kim: Maybe you can bloom out of a beautiful exotic flower.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: You can't apparate, but you can…
Sequoia: Yeah, you can travel by… [Kim wheezes] by the root system?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Plants? [both laugh] Amazing. She was elegantly attired in the same shades of violet that had sprung from beneath her feet. In such…
Kim: [shouting] She’s a plantimagus!
Sequoia: [laughs] Love a good plantimagus! [laughs] [groans] [sighs] In such lovely robes that clung to her slender, well-formed figure, and yet hinted at mysteries un-delved beneath. [laughs]
Kim: What. Does that. Mean?! [Sequoia snorts] Are they talking about her belly button?
Sequoia: [still laughing] Just hinted at a belly button. [both laugh]
Kim: Or does she have some kind of mysterious portal in the middle of her chest? The fuck are they talking about? [both laugh]
Sequoia: They don't know. You don't know. How could you know? It’s mysterious, it's a mystery.
Kim: [whispering] That’s nothing.
Sequoia: Her feet kissed the flagstones, and the very castle…
Kim: [cutely] Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Sequoia: [chuckling] …rejoiced at her presence.
Kim: She have lips on the bottom of her feet? What is this woman?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Lips on the bottom of her feet. She is a plant. [both laughing] There’s a portal in her chest.
Kim: She’s horrifying, Sequoia! [both still laughing]
Sequoia: Oh my god, okay, great. She’s horrifying, she’s here. All unbidden, the doors gaped wide, and the deputy Headmistress stood waiting to take her overcloak and escort her within. "Professor McGonagall?”
Kim: She's arrived for her interview!
Sequoia: [laughing] She’s arrived! I’ve arrived…
Kim: She has a speech prepared.
Sequoia: For my interview.
Kim: [whispering] Fuck.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for this honor. "Professor McGonagall? I'm here about the DADA position." “Welcome dear, how lovely to see you again." "Oh, it's so lovely to see the school again. It's been ages since I was last here.”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “And I've been so many places since then. Romania, to study dragons, France…”
Kim: To make out with Charlie. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Why else does anyone else go to Romania? [both laugh] “France, for charms, India…”
Kim: To make out with Fleur.
Sequoia: “...for transfiguration...”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: For… okay, France to make out with Fleur, “India for transfiguration...”
Kim: Okay, I don’t have anything to say about that.
Sequoia: “And China for astronomy. I so…”
Kim: Don't have anything to say about that. [both laugh] We don’t know anyone in those places!
Sequoia: That's true. “I so wish I had been here during Voldemort's demise.”
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: “I'm sure I could have done something to save the Potters.” Hm?
Kim: [laughs] Okay. During his first death.
Sequoia: His first demise. Yes. Demise number one, as it… as it were.
Kim: [laughs] Oh my god.
Sequoia: “I’m sure I could have done something to save the Potters, to spare poor Harry the loss."
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: "Yes dear. Weren’t you in Lily and James' year?"
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: "Oh, yes. Dear…”
Kim: Oh okay, interesting. So this is like a parody of a lost Marauder fic.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Good, I like this.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This is stupid. I’m into it. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: "Oh, yes. Dear, sweet Lily, and courageous James, and dashing Sirius, and mysterious Remus. I miss them all so."
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: "Yes, of course, dear. Will you have some tea, and we'll chat before you go up to see the Headmaster?" "Oh, of course! I have so much to tell you. I've mastered…”
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Time for some hot goss! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: "I've mastered so many things over the years, but I'm sure you're most interested in the amazing breakthrough that I've made in Transfiguration! I'm an animagus, as you know. I mastered that in my sixth year with Sirius, James and Peter."
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: "They called me Scales, for I am a dragon."
Kim: [laughs loudly] Of fucking course. This is good, this is… they're… they’re… they’re doing a great job...
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: …hitting all the shit.
Sequoia: Gotta hit every mark. She’s a dragon. I do...
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I do, you know, I do think secretly she’s probably also a plantimagus, but…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: You don’t… you don’t lead with that, I suppose.
Kim: No, you gotta keep that up your sleeve as a surprise for later. [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: For later when you turn into a giant flower. "Oh, quite rare for an animagus, isn't that?" “Oh yes, usually people transform into a non magical animal, but I've got some Veela blood in me on my father's side, and…”
Kim: [strained] That doesn't explain it! That's nothing!
Sequoia: [laughs] What?
Kim: That’s nothing!
Sequoia: [laughs] “And Mother was said to be descended from both Rowena Ravenclaw and even Merlin himself.” Got it.
Kim: Hellllll yeah!
Sequoia: Got it. Got it.
Kim: Got that in there! No, actually, are we going to check every OC box?
Sequoia: Mostly, yes. [both laugh]
Kim: Incredible. Thank you. So she can turn into a dragon, and she was in Romania studying dragons…
Sequoia: Ohhh, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Did she make out with Charlie disguised as a dragon?
Sequoia: I was gonna say that it’s probably Charlie’s dearest wish to make out with a dragon, so… [both laugh] So this is… this was really good for everyone involved.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine. [Sequoia laughs] Weird.
Sequoia: “What's really unusual is that I've found a way to change into more than one form!"
Kim: YEES! [Sequoia chuckles] Good!
Sequoia: I really… you know, I mean, she has a second form, which is great and all, but it’s nothing compared to Rose.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Who could just like, shuffle through.
Kim: Be any pigeon. [both laugh]
Sequoia: "I've only had time to master one other. I chose it so I could perhaps spy on the Death Eaters, and bring news of their plans to the Order.”
Kim: Yeah, dragon’s not a great covert…
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: There's gotta be limited utility for that.
Sequoia: Yeah that's like a… it seems like a good battle animagus and maybe nothing else.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Transportation’s good. You can fly.
Kim: Yeah, I guess so.
Sequoia: But you also don't wanna be spotted.
Kim: Depends on how big and what kind of dragon, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Cause it’s not like… it's not like she turns into a human sized dragon.
Kim: What if she does?
Sequoia: Eh? Could be a human sized dragon. ‘Cause if you’re flying somewhere, you don't wanna be seen.
Kim: Yeah. Harry, Ron, and Hermione do fly all the way to Hogwarts on a dragon though.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, but that was, like, a dire situation.
Kim: Yeahhh.
Sequoia: Whoo. "Why don't you show me?" The woman transformed. McGonagall sighed, and put down her teacup. She reached over to pet the small, soft, furry rodent…
Kim: Mmm.
Sequoia: …and transformed herself. A moment later, a small tail followed the rest of the rodent into the maw of a silver tabby. [Kim laughs] The crunching noises rather echoed…
Kim: Good lord, the fuck?!
Sequoia: She just fuckin’ ate this chick! [laughs]
Kim: McGonagall was like, you suck so much! [Sequoia laughs] I can't let you continue to live.
Sequoia: This story takes a turn!
Kim: Hey Sequoia, if you die in real life, do you die in real life?
Sequoia: [laughs helplessly] I'm never gonna fucking live that one down, man. [Kim laughs] Ugh! Okay. Moments later, Professor McGonagall took another sip of her tea, to wash away some of the lingering taste of fur.
Kim: Mhm. [laughs]
Sequoia: "Minerva?" The fire next to her glowed green, and Dumbledore's head poked through. "Has she arrived?" "No, Albus. I'm afraid she..." McGonagall covered her mouth and suppressed a belch. "She won't be able to join the faculty this year." "Ah. Was the position not to her liking? Or did she have differences with the staff?" "Oh, no. She had a fling with Black, holds Lupin in the most esteem while still wanting to jump his bones…”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “…has the sort of eyes that could ensnare Snape in a heartbeat…”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “…could have Sprout wrapped around her finger in a trice, and would probably manage to get the Duelling Club going again with Flitwick.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “No, it's just…" "Rodent problems?" Albus asked sympathetically. McGonagall nodded.
Kim: [laughs] Minerva like, literally not help herself?
Sequoia: Yeah, I think that every time she sees a mouse, she has to transform into a cat and then eat it.
Kim: [laughs] That is the weirdest idea. I like it! What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: Excellent. Yeah, no, that last bit really, really hit also, a lot of the like, adult missing Marauder comes to Hogwarts kinda stuff too.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: They covered a lot of those tropes really well. But, oh my goodness! So you brought me two professor murders Defence Against the Dark Arts professor fics.
Sequoia: Yes. I did.
Kim: That the listeners sent to you.
Sequoia: Yes I did. [laughs] I can't take full responsibility for this. It’s on the listeners too. They did this, they sent me these.
Kim: Those are really good. Oh my goodness. McGonagall can’t not eat mice.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ohh man. I mean, I guess that’s kinda chill for Hogwarts though. There's probably like, not any mice there. They don't have any…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Any mice.
Kim: Uh huh, sure!
Sequoia: She eats all of them.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Oh my goodness. Thank you very much. I did get zero points on that one as well.
Sequoia: Yeah. Sorry about it. [chuckles]
Kim: Man.
Sequoia: All right, are you ready to go into a segment?
Kim: Dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh! Hold for the end please! This is a hold for the end please. I think it might be nasty? I dunno, we’ll see.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nice disclaimer, dude.
Kim: This was sent to us recently. They sent it to us for a variety of things. The email does say, “I sincerely apologize to Edgar Allan Poe, to the original author, to myself, and to you both. Do with this what you will. Is this actually a hold for the end question mark?” And my answer to you is yes.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: This is a hold for the end please.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: You've done something incredible. Thank you to Nonny for sending us Myrtle and Cedric and the Golden Egg.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: And you get to sit here and listen to me read it!
Sequoia: Oh noo! [laughs]
Kim: It's so good! I can't not read this, it’s so good. Myrtle in her u-bend sitting/Through her mind, her troubles flitting/When a happy thought occurred/A plan, to see through undeterred/To prefects’ bathroom she would go/Though who to see, she did not know/Through Hogwarts’ pipings, every twist/Arriving in the bathroom’s mist/Upon a boy her eyes did settle…
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: A handsome lad of fearsome mettle.
Sequoia: Hah!
Kim: In his hands, an egg of gold/From dragon’s brood it took its mold.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: This is so good!
Sequoia: It’s so good!
Kim: How could I not read this?
Sequoia: Holy shit, man!
Kim: Boy opened egg, a dreadful squalling/A frown upon his fair face falling/Until he turned the egg asunder/Replacing frown with blush and wonder/Vibrating egg to water sent/And Myrtle guessed the boy’s intent.
Sequoia: Ha ha ha haaa! [continues laughing throughout]
Kim: Below a giggling mermaid painted/Myrtle could have almost fainted/If in her chest her heart beat still/And basilisks could never kill/As it was, she watched with joy/The naked form of bathing boy/Myrtle could not say for sure/Boy or egg, who quivered more/Delighting in his pleasure taking/Cedric’s body at once a-quaking/Another name his lips did carry/Calling out for dearest Harry/Suddenly the movement ceased/Ending Myrtle’s sensual feast/The sighing boy lay back sated/And then, as if it had been fated/A delightful sound from egg submerged/”Come seek us,” voice from water urged/The egg's scream to song had turned/The future test the boy had learned/While Myrtle, happy and contented/Homeward bound where she reflected/In all her years post death and pre/Never as alive felt she.
Sequoia: Wooowwuh! Wow!
Kim: How good was that?!
Sequoia: That was so good!
Kim: Yes! Oh my god!
Sequoia: Listener! Thank you so much!
Kim: Yep! That had to be read aloud. It was too good.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Thank you so much. You did an incredible job. That was so cursed! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, that was disturbing and I loved it, thank you! And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: What have you got for us today, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I brought you a Marauders fic. This is a…
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: …Lily/James.
Kim: [strained] Jily. What?
Sequoia: It’s a… what?
Kim: Who’s creepily monitoring Jily? No one.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is a funny story where Lily turns James into a glass of water? And it’s how they get together. It is very funny, and that…
Kim: Awesome. Is that the distillation of James’s soul?
Sequoia: [laughing] Is a glass of water? [laughs] Weird, stupid, I love it.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: The link to that fanfiction will be in the description. It will also be on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: You can also find our story submission form on the website.
Kim: I guess keep sending Sequoia parody stories where professors murder each other.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah sure, that’s a trend, keep it coming. [both laugh] Whoo!
Kim: Also on our website you can find our merch. The pre order link for Yes!! Glitter!!! is there. Keep sending those in, so that we don’t wildy underestimate how many of you want it. Which we had done. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yep, yep, we were about to order not enough. So thank you very much for your preorders.
Kim: There’s also some other merch on there, so go check that out. There's also a link to our TeePublic on our website, where you can find even more merch in a very wide variety of styles.
Sequoia: If you want to contact us, you can tweet at us, you can find us on Instagram or Facebook, all of those are going to be @FanaticalFics, or send us an email. Fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Kim: Where you can send us… I dunno, more poetry.
Sequoia: Yeah send us more hold for the end pleases. Or OCs.
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: Or whatever.
Kim: Yes! We have so many segments now, and we want your content, ‘cause you’re all great. All right, if you like this podcast and you wanna help this podcast out, there’s a few ways you can do that. Number one: leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook or wherever, you know. Review. This. Podcast.
Sequoia: Number two: trick everyone 2020!
Kim: Pew pew pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: Tell your friends. We got a review recently that was like…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …my girlfriend is listening to this all the time next to me. I like this podcast. [both laugh]
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: So continue to do that.
Kim: Trick your SOs 2020!
Sequoia: Pew pew!
Kim: They’re locked in wherever you’re living with you! Trick ‘em into listening to the pod! [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can also go visit our Patreon. We have newly discounted tiers there. We've got Discord, where everything crazy and wonderful is happening.
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: Today we did a livestreamed episode exclusively for our patrons. There’s lots of fun stuff going on over there, so go check it out.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: If you are a patron for six months at a couple of our tiers, then you will get a shout out on the pod in the form of a story summary. So Kim's gonna do that today. Let's do it!
Kim: Hell yeah I am, this one was inspired by the livestream today, here we go.
Sequoia: Oh, excellent.
Kim: Blaise never planned to join the dark side, but Draco would not stop pleading for their help, and Blaise could not turn down having something this great to hold over his insufferable head forever. So the two of them came up with a plan. Using the Hogwarts Drama Club that Blaise had finally succeeded at resurrecting, they would trick Harry Potter into joining the cast…
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes!
Kim: …of a brand new musical. Then, on the night of the show, Blaise would switch out their fake wand with a real one, and curse the Chosen One into oblivion. But how will Blaise balance directing, choreographing, starring in and killing curse learning? Will Draco insist on writing all the lyrics? Will Harry's incompetence cause Blaise to jump the gun? And what will happen if Blaise realizes that the magic of theatre means more to them
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god!
Kim: …than anything else ever could?
Sequoia: Oh my god! [both laugh] Whoo, oh my god! [laughing] Thank you so much to our patrons, Mary Toukeler, Marissa Engelle, Evelina, Taniyah Costa, Brittany Gutierrez, and Sara Wolfe.
Kim: Your support means so much to us. Thank you so much.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Both: [wildly] Byeeeee! [both laugh]