Episode 84: Gothicmione
Yes. We are now aware the movie Sequoia is referring to is probably Thirteen. No. We don't know how she got that so mixed up with The Parent Trap.
Recommendation: Untitled
https://unpretty.space/post/189022002413/marcus-stopped-abruptly-in-the-middle-of-the
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Transcriber: Belinda
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Sometimes I make notes of things that I want to talk about on the podcast with you. And…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …I have this one that I wrote down, and I am so mad at myself, ‘cause all I have written here is Rita/Umbridge coffee shop AU. And that is not enough of a prompt, it turns out.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know, man. That sounds like a pretty fucking good prompt to me. [laughs]
Kim: It’s not jogging my memory of what I wanted to say about that, though!
Sequoia: Yeah. You hadn’t found one that you wanted to talk about specifically?
Kim: No. That is a thought that I had in my brain head and I was like, yes. [Sequoia laughs] I’m going to make a note of this thing that I wanna talk about, about this thought that I had. The thought’s gone.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: But the Rita/Umbridge in a coffee shop, falling in love. [pause] Remains. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start to confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello. I’m [sing song voice] Sequoia Simone!
Kim: [sing song voice] And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: [sing song voice] And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Kim: [singsong voice] It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast! [Sequoia laughs] What are we doing? [both laugh]
Sequoia: What are we ever doing? Welcome to the podcast. We are back on that fanfiction game.
Kim: Hell yeah! We had a very fun detour that nearly killed Sequoia in the editing process. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I did… I did almost die.
Kim: But we are back, baby.
Sequoia: We’re here. We’re doing it.
Kim: Just the two of us.
Sequoia: I’m very excited to be… [laughs] I’m very excited to be back to fanfiction. But first…
Kim: Some announcements.
Sequoia: [sing song voice] …some announcements!
Kim: We announced this in the Dungeons and Dragons episode, but just in case that wasn’t your cup of tea and you didn’t listen, we have some new prices on our Patreon tiers. We decided to keep the discounted prices we introduced recently forever! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. So now you can get into our discord, be a part of book club, do some writing competitions, have some movie watch parties.
Kim: Just join the general disaster weirdness that’s happening in there.
Sequoia: [laughs] And that is only $2. Yes. And then our $4 tier is our bonus content tier. That is going to include a bonus episode every month. We switch off. Every other month is a livestreamed episode.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: So that’s really fun. And then our $10 tier remained the same price. That is our exclusive merch tier.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And it is expensive to do that. [both laugh] Is something we found out, so… [both laugh]
Kim: So…
Sequoia: Come over there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Join us on Patreon. It’s a lot of fun. In [dramatically] Yes!! Glitter!!! newwwwws… [Kim laughs] Yes!! Glitter!!!’s available for pre-order.
Kim: It certainly is. We have enough of a handle on what is happening [Sequoia laughs] to put it up for pre-order. [both laugh] What is wrong with us, Sequoia? Holy shit fuck balls. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We decided…
Kim: If we… okay, if LeakyCon hadn’t gotten cancelled we would have actually died last month.
Sequoia: Actually though!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I don’t know how we thought we were going to do Yes!! Glitter!!! and a DnD special…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …and go to a con…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …and do like three presentations at the con, AND run a booth for Wizarding Wireless Collective, and I…
Kim: We would’ve died.
Sequoia: We would’ve died.
Kim: We would’ve been dead.
Sequoia: That was a bad idea! [laughs]
Kim: We’re very stupid. Anyway, that’s not what the announcement is. [Sequoia laughs] You all already know we’re very stupid. The announcement is Yes!! Glitter!!! is up for pre-order on our website.
Sequoia: Yes. Go get that. It is going to be over sixty pages [Kim laughs] of crack fic insanity. There’s quizzes, there’s listicles, there’s some fanfiction.
Kim: There’s weird ass fanfiction written by you, the listeners. Our dear listeners. [laughs] Our weird listeners.
Sequoia: It’s going to be so fuckin’ good.
Kim: [sighs] I’m excited.
Sequoia: I’m so excited to give that to you all.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: It’ll be worth the almost dying.
Kim: Sure. Exactly.
Sequoia: [laughs] We… we promise. You can go pre-order that on our website under our merch tab. There’s also a link in the description of this episode.
Kim: One more announcement. Sequoia is going to be on Potterless today.
Sequoia: Today! [both laugh] Yeah, for, you know… for whatever reason we’re gonna go… we’re gonna go take over Potterless for a whole month.
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: [laughs] Apparently.
Kim: Mike’s letting us do this thing. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Hypothetically the next month of episodes is going to be us. Over there. On Potterless. We’re talking about A Very Potter Senior Year Act 2. So…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …go over there, listen to us talk about some fanfiction, honestly.
Kim: Yeah. Honestly yes.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And yeah. Go listen.
Kim: So the episode that’s dropping today is Sequoia, and then I’m up later this month.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: It’s now time for us to do the thing that we haven’t done in a while and are now doing again.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: It’s fanfiction time.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Which means it’s predictions time.
Kim: Mhm. Before we get into predictions, I actually wanted to chat a bit.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So we recently opened up our time window, right?
Sequoia: Oh fuck, yeah.
Kim: You dropped that on me out of the fucking blue, right?
Sequoia: I forgot that I did that to you. [both laugh] To everyone.
Kim: And so I have spent the last little while looking at the fanfiction that came out immediately after book seven, and I have not found anything readable for the pod. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: But it is the most buck wild period of time!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Like, the whole fandom was like a bomb exploded and it’s just a lot of like angst fics. [both laugh] And people trying to like wrap their minds around where they wanted to go as a fandom next, and it is just the most buck wild time period.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I’ve had a great time reading through it, and it’s just been so fun. I skipped most of the angst Fred George stuff but…
Sequoia: Urgh. [Kim laughs] Yeah.
Kim: It’s crazy.
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s… there’s a lot to be parsed through.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We added a year… we only added a year to the timeline, and honestly I think that… that’s a huge chunk of fanfiction.
Kim: Uh huh. Yeah. Anyway. Those days after the book came out were a wild time and if you’re interested I think everyone should go look at them. They’re weird.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, go look at some… some post book seven… in that year after book seven. Go look at some stuff and send it to us, because we can do it now.
Kim: It’s… yeah, I know. But it’s just a wild time. [both laugh] A weird vibe. I like it. Anyway, so no, I haven’t got anything useable for the pod yet.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So I had to reach deep into my back list. It’s something… to something I’ve been editing for some time now.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: I’ve been tweaking it and trying to get it down, because this story is wild.
Sequoia: Excellent. I’m ready!
Kim: It’s called… [laughs] okay, let’s do predictions now. Tweet them at us, put them in the Discord, etcetera, etcetera. Instagram. You know. You know the drill. [Sequoia laughs] Make three predictions.
Sequoia: What if they don’t know the drill? What… what if this is their first episode?
Kim: If this is your first episode, welcome. Welcome to the nonsense. [Sequoia laughs hysterically] It’s nice to have you. [laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus. Tweet your predictions at us, #FanficDivination. Make three predictions about what’s going to happen… what’s going to happen in this story.
Kim: What is going to happen in this story? This story is called… here’s your clues. You get three clues, also, for your three predictions. [Sequioa laughs] Clue number one is the title. It’s called fuckin’ [struggling not to laugh] Gothicmione. [Sequoia shrieks several times] [both laugh]
Sequoia: I had, like, a visceral physical reaction.
Kim: The genre is romance/drama.
Sequoia: Yes it fucking is.
Kim: And it came out post Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: Whoo! Whoo! All right. Did you say Gothicmione? Or Gothic Hermione?
Kim: Gothicmione.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Gothicmione. Prediction number one. Hermione is going to go visit a distant relative over the summer…
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: …and come back…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …goth.
Kim: Mhm. [giggles]
Sequoia: Prediction number two. Hermione is a vampire…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …in this fanfiction.
Kim: Good!
Sequoia: Prediction number three. Hermione will introduce a Muggle band to her friends at Hogwarts.
Kim: Very good. These are all good. I’m sad that you didn’t try to guess the pairing.
Sequoia: Man. That’s the… I had… there are so many places that this could go.
Kim: [laughs] Those are all really…
Sequoia: That was too limiting.
Kim: …solid guesses, though. Very good. [Sequoia laughs] They’re no way… anyway. [Sequoia laughs] This title. This story. [Sequoia still laughing] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Damnit. Goddamnit. I’m ready. Ready.
Kim: This story had ten chapters on ff.net.
Sequoia: [laughing] Holy shit!
Kim: [laughs] The chapters are, like, bite size, but…
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Yeah. Ten chapters.
Kim: Yeah. One of them’s an author’s note. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fuck yes! I love when a chapter’s just an author’s note.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: An author’s note that is just like, uhhh I haven’t gotten any reviews lately.
Kim: That is not what this one is.
Sequoia: Uhh, I… no. Excellent. [laughs]
Kim: This story actually attracted some flames.
Sequoia: Oh. Mean.
Kim: Yeah! Right? Rude! Don’t do that. This story’s beautiful and incredible. Don’t flame it.
Sequoia: I am SO excited.
Kim: [sighs] Okay. Chapter one: Change is Inevitable. Hermione Granger had gone through some changes over the summer.
Sequoia: Of fucking course she had.
Kim: You know what? I… actually, I think I’m going to mention this right here. This is one of those stories that, like, borders on is this parody?
Sequoia: [laughs] Like, is it a parody of a fanfiction?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Where Hermione comes back from the summer and everyone’s like, wow, she’s really filled out her curves.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right. Right.
Sequoia: Look at that womanly figure.
Kim: But it’s, like, right under the line and it’s like, is this sincere? Is this parody? It’s kinda hard to tell and I’m into it.
Sequoia: That’s my favorite kind of fanfiction, is when you can’t tell.
Kim: Yes! This next sentence says, She had dyed… and they spelt dyed d-i-e-d.
Sequoia: But they don’t mean it, they mean d-y…
Kim: Hard… hard to tell. Maybe they mean she died.
Sequoia: Okay. She had…
Kim: No, they don’t.
Sequoia: Oh okay. She had DYED her hair?
Kim: …her hair black…
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: …and had it permanently straightened…
Sequoia: Permanently straightened!
Kim: That’s nothing. That’s not a thing. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know what you’re talking about. But she’s got black… long, black, straight hair.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: …always wore heavy black eyeliner and dark lipstick…
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: [laughs] …and she had also obtained many piercings [Sequoia laughs] one of which was in her nose, the next a stud under her lip, and one through her right eyebrow, which was the most recent.
Sequoia: I don’t know why that’s relevant, but… [laughs]
Kim: It’s not. But thank you.
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: She’d gotten them over the course of one summer. I think they’re all recent.
Sequoia: Yeah! Wait a second. [both laugh] Well, that one she got yesterday.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Right. Right before she hopped on the Hogwarts Express to come show her friends her new look.
Kim: [low, raspy voice] Her new look.
Sequoia: I’m really digging it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think she looks incredible.
Kim: It’s… it’s very… it’s very classic.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Hermione Granger had also taken a huge risk and pierced her tongue herself.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: [laughs] She’s really hard core!
Sequoia: Damn! [both laugh]
Kim: That seems really ill advised. Do not do this thing.
Sequoia: I feel like there was… what year did this come out?
Kim: 2003, baby!
Sequoia: Nice! Okay, I feel like somewhere around this time period a movie came out where…
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Where there were like these couple of teens and one of them pierced the other’s ear with a… an apple.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: And like a needle.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: And, like, that happened.
Kim: In the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap. Is that what you’re thinking of?
Sequoia: [laughing] Is that…? No! There was one that was like hard core.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: That was not hard core.
Kim: The Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap’s not hard core? [both laugh] I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sequoia. What are you talking about, though? You’ve got to figure out what movie you’re talking about.
Sequoia: I don’t remember what movie it was, but there was a time like right ar… I remember this because that was when I was in middle school.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: And there was a time when ever… when that was the cool thing to do, was to give yourself a piercing or have your friend give you a piercing.
Kim: No. No. What?
Sequoia: Just like using a needle.
Kim: No! What?!
Sequoia: Isn’t that crazy?!
Kim: Don’t do this thing!
Sequoia: Okay. Here’s the thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: When we were in middle school people were giving each other piercings, but, like, in current middle school they’re eating Tide pods, so I don’t know if like that’s just what the… [laughs]
Kim: Sequoia, the Tide pods reference is SO old it creaked. What are you talking about?
Sequoia: [laughing] The kids aren’t eating Tide pods any more?
Kim: NO! It’s 2020, man! [both laugh]
Sequoia: My point being, kids do a lot of stupid shit.
Kim: Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: But they think it’s cool. It’s so cool to give yourself a tongue piercing.
Kim: Hermione pierced her own tongue. How is… [laughs] don’t do this thing.
Sequoia: She just looked in a mirror.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: She can do magic.
Kim: Oh, you think she used magic?
Sequoia: No! She definitely did not use magic. However, I think she could have used magic because she is a witch.
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: But in the context of this story I don’t think she did.
Kim: Fine. When Harry Potter had first seen his friend, his eyes had traced her body. He looked mildly pleased, yet also mildly alarmed. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Creepy. A.
Kim: Harry’s like, hot, but also are you okay?
Sequoia: [laughing] I think there’s probably a lot going through Harry’s mind. He’s like, oh, hot. Wait, hot? Wait, do I think that’s hot? Wait. [both still laughing] Harry’s into it. Sure. Why not?
Kim: This is why I wanted you to guess the pairing, because why is this this way?
Sequoia: I mean, I would never guess Harmony in a hundred million years!
Kim: LOL. “Mione,” he said. “What happened? I mean, I like it, but what happened?” [Sequoia laughs] You know? Summer. Got bored.
Sequoia: Did some piercings to myself.
Kim: Found some cool music. On the internet. [both laugh] Hermione Granger took a massive risk then.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: She took his face in her white hand and pulled him to her.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: “What happened? I grew up,” she said.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god! [groans] This teen is like, I’m not a kid any more.
Kim: I’m sixteen now.
Sequoia: I’m an adult. I grew up. [popping the P] [Kim sighs] Oh nooo. Okay. Fine.
Kim: She said barely audibly after kissing her best friend for the first time in her life.
Sequoia: What? Wait!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Why didn’t the sentence lead with that? Why didn’t we lead with that? That seems like putting her kissing Harry as an afterthought.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, first things first, I grew up, bitch!
Kim: I grew up! [Sequoia laughs] Yeah!
Sequoia: Second thing, I guess I kissed him, also.
Kim: Yeah. What? You got a problem with that?
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: [laughs] Yep. It’s kind of like… it seems like it… like, cut out. She took his face in her hand and then we cut. Smash cut.
Sequoia: Oh, smash cut. Gotcha.
Kim: Black out. You can’t see the kissing or else then you’d have to rate this T for teens. [both laugh] This one’s almost certainly rated T for teens. Right?
Sequoia: For sure. Absolutely. She touched his face with her hands! That’s T for teen. [laughs]
Kim: [snickers] Chapter two. [both laugh] Which is for some reason called Flaming Harry.
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Okay. Okay.
Kim: Two weeks passed, and Hermione Granger and Harry Potter were quite a bit closer than they would have thought.
Sequoia: [trying to hold back laughter] What’s…
Kim: I don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: Like, physically? In like a physical space?
Kim: I don’t know! [both laugh] Maybe than they would’ve thought…
Both: …before…
Kim: …the kiss happened?
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Kim: Nope. Don’t know.
Sequoia: Nope. I say physically closer in the space. [laughs]
Kim: [snickering] ‘Kay. For one thing, they were now apparently a couple.
Sequoia: Apparently?
Kim: Apparently they’re a couple.
Sequoia: I’d like to think that one day they were just walking down the hall and somebody was like, oh my gosh, you guys make such a cute couple, and…
Kim: Well, here’s the thing. And they walked around holding hands.
Sequoia: Yeah! So somebody just like… yeah!
Kim: So yes. What you were about to say is what happened.
Sequoia: [laughing] They walked around holding hands.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Physically closer in the space.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [laughing] And someone was like, hey, you guys make such a cute couple, and they were like [scoffs] what?
Kim: Us? Us?
Sequoia: A couple? [both laugh] They’re like, all right, I guess we’re apparently a couple now.
Kim: This is very middle school. Am I right?
Sequoia: [chuckles] Yeah! Yeah. I’m having… I’m having some flashbacks.
Kim: You kiss once, you walk around holding hands a couple times and then apparently you’re a couple? Neither of you have talked about it.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Have not talked about what is happening, but you are doing those things. [both laugh] Oh my god!
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: [laughs] Another change that had occurred was that Hermione’s image had sunk into Harry. She had basically given him a complete make over and now he, too, was a goth.
Sequoia: Nice! I didn’t see that one coming. That’s good!
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I like that in conjunction with them apparently being a couple now.
Kim: [laughing] Harry’s also apparently a goth now.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Apparently?
Sequoia: Apparently I’ve got a girlfriend and apparently I’m goth now. Wow. That’s awesome. I wonder if she brought that stuff with her in anticipation of this. You know?
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Because I assume he’s gonna have some… some make up or something. Some hair or some jewellery. Or some clothing.
Kim: They’re using the same make up.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I would guess.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Every morning they wake up. They get together, they do each other’s make up.
Sequoia: Awwww. That’s so cute!
Kim: That’s really cute actually.
Sequoia: I love that!
Kim: I’m happy for them. Hermione gels Harry’s hair into some sick style.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: That’s really cute.
Sequoia: Wow. I like it.
Kim: They’re sharing… they’re sharing the chains and the, I don’t know, collars. [both laugh] That Hermione brought.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s not like she came back to school with just like one wallet chain.
Kim: Yeah, obviously not.
Sequoia: She’s going to have more than one, so they’re sharing.
Kim: Right. They did have to fashion some cool band t-shirts. Like, they had to make them themselves.
Sequoia: Right. Okay.
Kim: Because Hermione didn’t bring enough band t-shirts that would fit Harry. [laughs]
Sequoia: Right.You know, I do like the idea that she thought it out in advance and did bring him some things just in case he too would like to be goth. [both laugh]
Kim: Mhm. You think she just brought them… the make out seemed pretty spontaneous, but yeah, maybe she was that… Hermione was just that prepared.
Sequoia: She’s always that prepared! [both laugh]
Kim: Silly. [sighs] [pause] Harry Potter could not explain what he was feeling when he was kissing her. It was like a flame inside of him. In parentheses, (and not where you think I mean, sicko) close parentheses.
Sequoia: [laughing] T for teen!
Kim: T for teens. Thank you, author! [both continue laughing] Sicko! It’s not a flame in his penis! Excuse me, author. I wasn't thinking that. [Sequoia still laughing] What? What are you talking about?
Sequoia: Ah, so this is flaming Harry. This is when Harry is a flame as it were.
Kim: Oh! Right! He’s aflame with luuuuuuust!
Sequoia: Yes. But not in where you think.
Kim: Oh! Looooove! And this flame spread throughout his whole body. Hermione felt much the same. The result of this was inevitable. Eventually they were going to sleep together.
Sequoia: [screaming] Ahhhh! Aggghhhh!
Kim: I think it was… now, author, you said, not where you think I mean…
Sequoia: I think it is!
Kim: …but you did two sentences later say they were going to sleep together, so, like, you’re sending mixed messages here.
Sequoia: I think it is where you said it wasn’t. [Kim laughs] The flame. As it were. [both laugh]
Kim: It… it… they… them sleeping together. I love how the author is like, it’s inevitable. [Sequoia laughs] They’re going to do it.
Sequoia: They’re gonna do it.
Kim: They’re walking around holding hands.
Both: They’re going to do it. [laughing]
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: Man. Middle school was just the worst.
Sequoia: [laughs] Wouldn’t go back if you paid me.
Kim: Zero out of ten. Middle school and high school. [both laugh] Draco Malfoy was walking down the dungeon corridors and, unusually, he was alone. He spotted the couple, hand in hand. Despite their appearance, they looked like a genuine happy couple. [Sequoia laughs] Because Draco thinks that goths can’t be a happy couple?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I don’t know, Draco, that seems rude.
Sequoia: Goths can be happy too!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: It’s just a fashion choice. What’s wrong with you, Draco? [laughs]
Sequoia: Geez. Classic Draco.
Kim: And Draco Malfoy was, for the first time in his life, jealous.
Sequoia: [gasps] Jealous of who? One of them specifically or both of them?
Kim: I think that it’s just that they’re happy.
Sequoia: Ohhh! Okay. [laughs] Aww.
Kim: Unclear.
Sequoia: That’s sad.
Kim: [pompous, drawling voice, used for Draco throughout] “Well, well, well if isn’t Pothead and his little girlfriend. Funny, I thought you freaks only came out at night.”
Sequoia: [scoffs] Draco!
Kim: Draco, goths are not vampires.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: Vampires are very goth.
Sequoia: [laughs] I wish, in this specific context, that yes, one of them or both of them were vampires.
Kim: Right. That would be really cool.
Sequoia: However, not all goths are vampires, Draco.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: And they can have… they can be happy.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And have a happy couple.
Kim: Yeah. Rude. Harry Potter smirked. Author’s note. Hang on, let’s go over that again, major reversal of roles here. HARRY POTTER SMIRKED! [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s new. It comes with his new… his new…
Kim: His new deal.
Sequoia: …outfit.
Kim: Now Harry is the one that smirks at Draco.
Sequoia: Listen. His new clothes, his new look, has given him the confidence that he needs.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I’m about it.
Kim: ‘Kay. He looked at his girlfriend and walked on with her, to Potions, still smiling. Draco hissed and walked the other way. [both laugh hysterically]
Sequoia: Oh, I love that! Why?
Kim: I don't know!
Sequoia: Ssssss!
Kim: I think Draco’s the vampire. Wait a second.
Sequoia: Yeah! Hold please. I like to think that he hissed… he… he knew that that was a weird thing to do so he waited until they were out of hearing range.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then hissssed at them.
Kim: What a weird thing to do.
Sequoia: Or they heard him and they were like, classic Draco. That guy just walks around hissing at people all the time. [both laugh]
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Weirdo.
Kim: Chapter three: Ron’s Brief Episode.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh shit, I forgot about Ron!
Kim: And this… I’ve got here a Kim’s note. This chapter starts off with a wizard pun filled commercial for condoms and I have no idea why. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Because…
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: Earlier we were talkin’ about how they’re going to do it.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: So it’s related.
Kim: It’s not. It’s not related. It… it was things like this that made me think that this was probably parody.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: This wasn’t part of the story, but the author… I don’t know. You know… you’ve probably noticed this too. Old fanfictions will have like some author’s nonsense like at the top or the bottom.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Where they’re like just doing some weird shit unrelated to the story.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And they’re usually like, glomp… glomping Sirius! [Sequoia laughs] He’s my husband! [both keep laughing] Right?
Sequoia: Yeah. I love that stuff.
Kim: Or, like, Draco’s really mean in the chapter and they’re like, hugging Draco, he's just a baby.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: He didn’t mean it lolololol. Live for that shit. So good.
Sequoia: It’s so good.
Kim: Ron Weasley was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that his two best friends were now together. He could no longer walk with the two of them without feeling completely shunned.
Sequoia: Awww.
Kim: He would attempt to include himself in their highly amusing conversations, but just felt that he didn’t belong.
Sequoia: Oh no. Maybe he should do goth too. Maybe he should go goth.
Kim: Maybe. Oh yeah, if…
Sequoia: That might help.
Kim: Maybe if he went goth that would help.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Seems like they’re being really fucking rude.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Come on guys, don’t shut out your friend.
Kim: Just ‘cause you’re making out now. You should still pay attention to Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He’s your friend. Be nice.
Sequoia: Get him a band t-shirt.
Kim: [laughs] He just needs some CDs, and then you know you can all listen to CDs together.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: The first time Ron saw his best friends kiss, things got a little out of hand. Flashback.
Sequoia: Ohhhhh!
Kim: Says that. No tildes. It’s a bunch of asterisks in this case. But asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.
Sequoia: Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.
Kim: Flashback.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Ron is leaving the breakfast table. [Sequoia laughs] We’ve switched tenses too. Weird.
Sequoia: Oh. Fine.
Kim: [laughs] Okay. Here we go. Ron is leaving the breakfast table, full, having just had a… now this is in quotes here. “…sausage eating contest” with Lee Jordan.
Sequoia: [screaming] WHY IS THAT IN QUOTATIONS?!
Kim: [chuckling] That is inappropriate for the Great Hall. I'm sorry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: T for teen!
Kim: You’re free to do… [laughs] you’re welcome to do that with each other, just maybe do it not in the Great Hall.
Sequoia: Breakfast and a show! [both laugh]
Kim: Classic. Classic breakfast and a show. Okay, Ron’s leaving and he, strolls off to the closest bathroom to do his morning after breakfast business. Author’s note. Come on, everyone does it after breakfast.
Sequoia: [laughing] I mean…
Kim: Hey, what if you said the word poop for me?
Sequoia: No! [Kim laughs] That was only for squid month! [both keep laughing]
Kim: Fine! The author’s…
Sequoia: Is this important to the story?
Kim: What do you mean? [both laugh] Everything’s important to the story. Sequoia: Oh, incredible.
Kim: Ron had a sausage eating contest. Now he’s going to go take a shit. [Sequoia laughs] He’s going to the bathroom. And that bathroom just happens to be the deserted bathroom of Moaning Myrtle. Ron’s going to the girls’ bathroom to do a dump.
Sequoia: The haunted girls’ bathroom.
Kim: You know what? Actually that probably would be a nice, quiet, deserted bathroom generally.
Sequoia: I mean, if Myrtle’s not there.
Kim: Who cares what Myrtle thinks of you? [Sequoia laughs] Nice deserted bathroom to do your morning after breakfast business in. [both laugh] [Kim sighs] We won’t talk about bathrooms.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That would be too blue. [both laugh] So he’s walking, and lo and behold, up against the second bathroom cubicle, Ron’s favorite cubicle…
Sequoia: Weird. [Kim laughs] Weird.
Kim: You don’t have a favorite bathroom stall in your favorite bathroom?
Sequoia: No! [laughs]
Kim: Well, you’re the weird one. …his two best friends, in a rather compromising position, a passionate embrace.
Sequoia: So compromising.
Kim: They’re hugging. Gross.
Sequoia: They’re hugging.
Kim: T for teens. [both laugh] Gross. [deep bro voice] “Oh, Harry? Hermione?! When did…?! What the…?!” And he fainted, then and there.
Sequoia: Oh, this… I forgot it was the flashback. This was the first time he’s seen them, he’s very confused.
Kim: This was the flashback where he first saw them kiss and it got really out of hand.
Sequoia: Out of hand.
Kim: He fainted. Wow.
Sequoia: They were hugging. He couldn’t handle it.
Kim: I mean they’re… they’re almost certainly making out.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Not just hugging. Come on, Sequoia. Grow up.
Sequoia: Also, in Myrtle’s bathroom?
Kim: Yeah right?! That’s a terrible place to do that!
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Although…
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Oh right! He’s got to get Myrtle off his back and the only way he could think to do that was making out in front of her. She’s got to be sobbing so loudly in the background of this make out.
Sequoia: Yeah! That’s uncool on several levels.
Kim: [laughs] Eat shit, Myrtle. [Sequoia laughs] Chapter four: Red Hot Ginny.
Sequoia: Oh! Okay.
Kim: This one starts off with an ad for tequila.
Sequoia: Weird.
Kim: Yep. Al lright. Ginny Weasley was sitting in her room with a flower in her delicate hands. “He loves me. He loves me not.”
Sequoia: Awww.
Kim: “He loves me. He loves me not.”
Sequoia: [whispering] He loves you.
Kim: She frowned, and a tear dripped from her eye.
Sequoia: Wow. This story is romance/angst.
Kim: Seriously! [Sequoia laughs] Is it, though? What was it that I told you? It was romance and drama.
Sequoia: Drama.
Kim: Drama’s pretty good too.
Sequoia: Yeah okay.
Kim: [dramatically] The drama! Sequoia.
Sequoia: [dramatically] He loves me not! [both cry dramatically]
Kim: “Come on, Ginny, he’s with HER now. Just face it,” she said to herself, picking up the bruised white petals off her bed and charming them with a viva petalus reviemo so they flew into the bin. “Wish I knew anywhere to go. I’m so fucking lost.” Says Ginny.
Sequoia: Ohh. Okay.
Kim: That’s a big fuck word for a T for teens story. [Sequoia laughs] Now I’m saying that this is T for teens and I’m not actually positive that that’s the case. [both laugh even louder] Maybe I should look that up. Nah, I don’t… it doesn’t matter. Someone was calling her from outside her room. “Ginny! Ginny! Come on! It’s dinner time!” [screaming] “I’M NOT COMING!”
Sequoia: I’m never eating dinner again!
Kim: [fake cries] [laughs] Oh, man! Who deals with this kind of shit in these schools? I’m so curious.
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s no…
Kim: Adults.
Sequoia: …adu… yeah. [laughs] I don’t know. McGonagall?
Kim: Probably. McGonagall, Ginny’s being weird. [both laugh] There were footsteps up the stairs, frantic footsteps. Hermione pulled back Ginny’s bed curtain and looked inside. “Ginny, you haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. What’s gotten into you?”
Sequoia: Oh jeez!
Kim: She said, breathing heavily. “Talk to me about Harry,” said Ginny, eagerly pulling her friend onto her bed.
Sequoia: Uhhhhh.
Kim: “Oh, but dinner starts in…” Ginny glared at her. “Fine. Harry can wait. What do you want to know?”
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: This is weird. How is this fixing your problem?
Kim: It’s going to get weirder. Here we go. “Is he a good kisser?”
Sequoia: Okay! Okay.
Kim: Ginny is not keeping it together.
Sequoia: Ginny! Chill, my dude!
Kim: Maybe Ginny needs to go goth too. I think that would probably help.
Sequoia: I think it would help if everyone went goth.
Kim: Yeah, and then they could all just be goth together.
Sequoia: Yeah the whole school.
Kim: [laughs] I think it would fit with the aesthetic really well, actually.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They could all do kind of like a…
Sequoia: A dark castle.
Kim: You know the kind of like [slight pause] vampire aesthetic.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: “Amazing kisser.” [both laugh] Thanks, Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione, read the room!
Kim: Hermione is not helping. “Oh, Ginny, I didn’t mean to upset you! Oh, damn, I’m so sorry. Look, stay here, I’ll go and get McGonagall.”
Sequoia: Oh, they are going to go get McGonagall. Why? [laughs]
Kim: Because Hermione made Ginny cry. [laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus. Like, come on dude, read the room.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You shouldn’t have engaged with this.
Kim: Yeah. [yelling] “WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL?! ARE YOU INSANE?! JUST GET AWAY FROM ME!” Hermione left, apologising at every step, but Ginny did not listen. Ginny, what are you doing?
Sequoia: Is Ginny gonna end up with Draco in this fanfiction?
Kim: Hold for the text. [Sequoia laughs] No comment. Long after she had left, Ginny was lying awake in bed. “He loves me not.”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: That’s some good angst, right?
Sequoia: Ginny! Yeah. That’s a classic honestly.
Kim: Top tier. Classic angst chapter. [Sequoia laughs] We get an author’s note at the end of that chapter that says, author’s note, I loved that chapter. The raw emotion. Lol.
Sequoia: [squealing] Ahh! Ahh! [both laugh]
Kim: Lol really sells, though, am I right?
Sequoia: Just the perfect punctuation on that sentence.
Kim: Lol.
Sequoia: The raw emotion.
Kim: Lol.
Sequoia: Lol. [both laugh]
Kim: The author’s so good. I like the author a lot. [laughs] I’m… I’m… it’s just like, is it parody? Coming in right under the line for me.
Sequoia: Yeah. I can’t tell.
Kim: Right. Maybe like right on the line.
Sequoia: I can’t tell.
Kim: Can’t tell. Lol. Chapter five: Cauldron Capers.
Sequoia: M’kay.
Kim: Harry and Hermione were sitting in Potions, chopping up gnarler plants and forming gnarler oil. Parentheses, (Whatever that is.)
Sequoia: Did they just make up that word?
Kim: They did.
Sequoia: And then…
Kim: Author, don’t say, whatever that is. You made it up!
Sequoia: Yeah. You know what it is.
Kim: Own it. Own it! [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs] “So Ginny didn’t take it too well?” said Harry, rubbing some of the oil on his hand to test its thickness. You need really thick gnarler oil, apparently.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whatever it is!
Kim: Whatever it is! It needs to be thick? Thin? Doesn’t say. “No. She’s fully bummed about the whole you me thing. I really wish I could do something.” [laughs] It’s a good sentence.
Sequoia: Fully bummed.
Kim: The whole you me thing. We still haven’t talked about it, actually.
Sequoia: Still not talked about it. [laughs]
Kim: We haven’t done the whole… we’re apparently a couple but…
Sequoia: Yeah. She’s bummed that we’re apparently a couple.
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: And that you’re apparently goth now.
Kim: [laughs] “No. She has to face the facts, I’m not interested in her. I’m with you now.” Harry rubbed his finger over the scratch in the desk that said HP 4 HG in a love heart.
Sequoia: [squeals] In a love heart!
Kim: Oh my god. I cannot see Harry carving that into his desk in Potions class. I’m sorry. What is happening?
Sequoia: No. No, no, no.
Kim: Beautiful. Weird. Like it. [both laugh] A love heart. [laughs] Hermione leaned over to Harry and kissed his cheek. [slow, nasal drawl, used for Snape throughout] “Ahem…”
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: “...Mr Potter. Miss Granger.”
Sequoia: Mhm. Saw it comin’.
Kim: “I think the whole class would prefer not to see your deep love for each other,” said Snape.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s not how I would have put it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s a weird thing to say.
Kim: I mean, I think as a class they probably would prefer not to see that. Gross.
Sequoia: Yeah. I… sure. Sure.
Kim: Gross. They’re being gross. “I think it’s cute,” said Lavender.
Sequoia: Wow. [laughs] Lavender loves love.
Kim: She does! [both laugh] She’s here for it. Lavender’s excited. And she instantly knew that she had made a massive mistake. “Oh, widdle Wavender thinks it’s cute.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Wow. Classic burn.
Kim: Classic Snape, am I right?
Sequoia: [laughs] Widdle Wavender!
Kim: It’s not the easiest thing to say in Snape voice.
Sequoia: No. You did a good job.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: You did a good job.
Kim: Thank you. “Thinks it’s cute. Detention, all Gryffindors, and twenty points from Gryffindor house.”
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Most of the Gryffindors didn’t do anything!
Sequoia: They were just fucking sitting there. [Kim laughs] What the fuck, man?
Kim: Ruuude! The Gryffindors glared at Lavender.
Sequoia: Lavender didn’t even do anything.
Kim: I mean, she didn’t… she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. Shut up Lavender.
Sequoia: She loves love! [Kim laughs] Why is she in trouble? [both laugh]
Kim: Don’t encourage the make outs in class! Some of us are trying to do gnarler oil stuff! [Sequoia laughs] Gross. I’m sorry.
Sequoia: Some of us are testing the thickness of our gnarler oil.
Kim: Yikes! [laughs] Hermione couldn’t care less. She and Harry would get through yet another of Snape’s jealous rants together. Unless he separated them.
Sequoia: For a whole class period! [Kim laughs] They couldn’t!
Kim: Nothing but… anything but that! “And Mr. Potter, Miss Granger, if you think I will enable you two to sit together in your detention, then you are both sorely mistaken.” [Sequoia gasps] Harry’s jaw dropped. Hermione whimpered. “If you cannot spend one hour separated [Sequoia laughs] then you are extremely codependent. [Sequoia continues to laugh] It’s about time somebody taught you some independence.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! I feel like this is… I feel like this… I found out this is a parody.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I think that’s where...
Kim: Yeah. This is it.
Sequoia: This is where it happens.
Kim: Yeah, this is probably where it tips over the line for me as well.
Sequoia: Oh my god! But it… but actually…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …if you can’t be apart for one fucking detention…
Kim: Snape’s not wrong. The funny thing is that I think it is pretty clear… I didn’t want to give it away too early. But I think it is pretty clear this is parody, and the author did such a good job at writing this troll date that they did get mega flamed for this.
Sequoia: Oh man!
Kim: And they were just like loooool.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s so good though!
Kim: Yeah. They’re doing a great job. [laughs]
Sequoia: It’s excellent work.
Kim: [sighs] Chapter six: Clear Red Sky. Hermione was looking out from the tallest astronomy tower. She was wrapped up in the arms of her boyfriend. “Here would be good,” said Harry, breaking the intense silence.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah. “What? Here? What if someone caught us? Like Filch or McGonagall?” “Then we’d face the consequences.”
Sequoia: Wow. No.
Kim: “I just think it’d be such a heightened spiritual experience.” [Sequoia squeals and then chokes] [both laugh] I’m glad we had the is this parody talk before we got into this chapter, because Harry fucking sucks in this.
Sequoia: I just screamed and choked at the same time. And it was not a pleasant experience. [Kim laughs] Wow. I mean, I guess it would be heightened. It is rather… the… the elevation…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …is higher.
Kim: Look. The astronomy tower is the make out point of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: This is not the first fic we’ve read where characters did it in the astronomy tower.
Sequoia: Exactly. But like…
Kim: This is not the fiftieth fic I’ve read where characters did it in the astronomy tower.
Sequoia: [laughs] If it’s the make out point of Hogwarts, you… you wanna be a little bit careful. Anyone could show up. At any time.
Kim: No one ever is! [Sequoia laughs] No one ever is! They always get… like, most… more than half the time they get seen in the astronomy tower, too.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s true.
Kim: It’s where you go to get seen doing it. [Sequoia laughs] For some reason. For plot reasons. It doesn’t need to be for some reason.
Sequoia: Oh man! Okay. It’s a heightened spiritual experience. Great.
Kim: “Oh, shut up.” Hermione laughed at Harry. “I know you just want sex, not some bloody heightened spiritual experience.”
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Hermione, call him out!
Sequoia: Get him!
Kim: But also, what are you doing? [Sequoia laughs] Hermione kissed Harry on the nose and butterfly kissed his cheek.
Sequoia: Weird. That’s a weird follow up.
Kim: [high pitched voice] I know you just wanna do it! Kiss you! [Sequoia laughs] Me too thanks! [both laugh] [Kim sighs] Oh. Here we go. “There’s something I have to tell you, Harry.” “What’s going on, Hermione?” “Harry. [pause] I am your father.”
Sequoia: Wait. What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Hermione just said, I am your father.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: She’s making a Star Wars reference. [Sequoia laughs] To cut the tension!
Sequoia: Ohhh gotcha.
Kim: Harry was like, let’s do it in the astronomy tower, and Hermione’s like ehhhh what if instead [Sequoia laughs] not that. Teehee.
Sequoia: What if instead I make this sweet Star Wars ref?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Is that not how sexual encounters are supposed to go? I need to know. For a friend.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh man!
Kim: Harry pulled Herm to him.
Sequoia: No. I hate that one. That one’s worse, man.
Kim: It’s the worst one. It’s the worst one.
Sequoia: It’s sooo bad!
Kim: And scrunched up his nose, observing her closely. “Funny,” he said. “You don’t look like my dad.” [both fake laugh] [pompous, drawling voice] “Oh, but she’s ugly enough to be a Potter.”
Sequoia: Is Draco following them?
Kim: Yeah. Almost certainly.
Sequoia: He wants in on that, for sure. A hundo p.
Kim: Came a cold voice from the entrance to the tower. “Malfoy,” said Harry, a note of warning in his voice. “I’ll give you ten seconds to sod off. [Sequoia laughs] One.” “Last time I checked, this was a free castle. Goyle, do you see any signs saying ‘Pothead and Granger oooonly?” And that was spelled with four Os.
Sequoia: Oooonly?
Kim: So. You know.
Sequoia: That’s good. Don’t ask Greg. Greg can’t read.
Kim: [laughs] Rude! Rude. [both laugh] Malfoy’s two cronies appeared out of the darkness, grinning stupidly. Malfoy has showed up at make out point with Crabbe and Goyle.
Sequoia: Oh! Hmm. Hmm.
Both: Hmmmm.
Sequoia: So either he was following them.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Trying to cock block.
Kim: Mhm. Which is probably what it was.
Sequoia: Is probably what it was. OR.
Kim: The better option.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, amazing.
Kim: Going to make out point with his make out buddies. Malfoy’s two cronies appeared out of the darkness, grinning stupidly. Goyle shook his head vigorously and pounded his fist into his left hand. “Two,” said Harry, becoming impatient. “All right. I’ll play your stupid counting game. But since you obviously can’t count past the number ten I don’t think I’ll make myself sick and watch you two losers make out any more.” He turned on his heel and went to leave.
Sequoia: Any more. He was watching before.
Kim: Oh yeah. That is what he said.
Sequoia: Yeah. He did say any more.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So he was… he was definitely…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …watching before.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Cool. [laughs]
Kim: He was just standing there waiting for one of them to say something stupid.
Sequoia: Yeah. He needed to make an entrance of some kind. So…
Kim: Yeah. Couldn’t… so he stood there watching them making out for an indeterminate amount of time. [both laugh] Because he had to.
Sequoia: He should’ve popped out and been like, a heightened spiritual experience?
Kim: Yeah. Right? [both laugh] “That’s right. Obviously you have to watch other couples making out because you can’t get any for yourself.”
Sequoia: Oh damn. Got ‘em.
Kim: [frat boy voice] Oh sick burn Harry! [Sequoia laughs] Harry instantly knew he had made a big mistake.
Sequoia: Oh oh.
Kim: Dun dun dunnn. And that’s the end of that chapter. And then I’m actually going to summarise the next few chapters because things get real angsty real fast.
Sequoia: Ohhh okay. Gotcha.
Kim: The next chapter is called Incantations and it starts out with an author’s note that says, Some of you guys have been complaining that my characters are not gothy enough, so here’s something to hopefully prove it to you.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: And then we go completely off the rails. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: So Hermione and Harry get back at Draco for whatever shit he does to them at the end of the last chapter, which the author does not make clear what happened.
Sequoia: Okay. Weird.
Kim: For whatever reason.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: Yep. Fine. They get back at Draco by doing a dark magic ritual.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Hermione’s really hesitant about it and Harry is super into it but they both go through with it together and they do a dark magic ritual on Draco.
Sequoia: That seems bad.
Kim: And then we go to chapter eight, which is called Forward, Left and Never Back, which is a songfic to Amanda Perez’s Angel.
Sequoia: Don’t know that song but it’s going on the playlist.
Kim: There it goes. Watch it go. I don’t know what it is either.
Sequoia: Don’t know.
Kim: In this chapter, which is a songfic, we find out that the ritual cast a spell on Draco that made him hear all of the screams that are happening all over the world in his head at the same time.
Sequoia: Oh god! Oh my god.
Kim: And Draco does not love that.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: And he does die.
Sequoia: [gasps] Damn, author!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: That’s a fucking big ass yikes!
Kim: They’re like, this story’s not goth enough for you? I’m gonna fucking murder Draco!
Sequoia: [laughs] My god! When the flames get so bad that you just start killing off all your characters. [Kim laughs] Damn!
Kim: My god. Okay. And then Hermione feels really guilty for her part in causing Draco’s death.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: And she confronts Harry about it, and Harry’s like, lol I’m glad he’s dead.
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: And then Hermione runs away from him and the story says that she, doesn’t look back. [Sequoia gasps] Chapter nine is the author’s note chapter.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: So it’s just an author’s note explaining that they love Draco very much because he is SO HOT!
Sequoia: Mhmmm. Right.
Kim: Right. But they thought that it was better for the plot if they killed him.
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: And they say that the story is their story and they’re going to do what they want with it.
Sequoia: Classic author’s note.
Kim: Apparently is kill Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah. Classic. Classic. Classic.
Kim: [higher pitch with big young teen energy] But he’s sooooo hot!
Sequoia: That’s a fanfiction mood. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. I know Draco’s hot but I had to murder him! [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: And then we’re back into the story with chapter ten, the final chapter, which is called Over It. Hermione was sitting by the fire of Gryffindor common room, in her favorite big squashy armchair, toasting her cold legs after a long walk down to Hagrid’s hut. Hagrid had told her that what Harry was going through was more a state of denial, and that he would be over it soon. Hermione and Harry, the famous couple appearing in all the tabloids, the boy who lived and his smart girlfriend - over.
Sequoia: Wow. Appearing in all the tabloids, where they’re…
Kim: The one tabloid.
Sequoia: Yeah. The one tabloid. Going through their looks. You know?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: They’re definitely… they’re definitely on that page.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Where they’re dissecting their outfit…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …saying where they got all their outfit pieces from.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: What’s this new look that the chosen one is sporting? And his smart girlfriend.
Kim: What is this chains for? Are the chains for? Is this chain to attach to his wand so he doesn’t lose it?
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: Because that would be smart.
Sequoia: That would be smart.
Kim: It’s not. It connects to his wallet. Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Why does he have a wallet? Our money doesn't fit in wallets. [Sequoia laughs] Etcetera etcetera. Herm was getting on with her life. [Sequoia groans] Oops, they did it twice.
Sequoia: [groans again] It hurts me every time.
Kim: It’s so bad. Herm was getting on with her life, and had a new friend in Ernie Macmillan.
Sequoia: NICE! Ernie! Yeah! Fuck yeah!
Kim: He’s here to do some…
Sequoia: Hermione.
Kim: …love healing. [Sequoia laughs] ‘Cause he’s a love guru.
Sequoia: Uhhhhh yes!
Kim: Look, these fics, they’re all connected. It all comes together. Every time.
Sequoia: It’s one universe.
Kim: It’s all one universe. [both laugh] Nobody liked him.
Sequoia: Oh. Wow.
Kim: Rude. What?
Sequoia: What? [both laugh] Damn. That’s cold.
Kim: Cold. Hermione likes him.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nobody liked him, but she found their discussions extremely enlightening and she secretly found him pretty hot.
Sequoia: Nice. Get it.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Ernie.
Kim: Get that Ernie. Hermione Granger had gone through several phases. She figured that going gothic was one of them, but she also felt that it had been a substantial part of her life and that she ought to pay homage to her bravery.
Sequoia: Hm.
Kim: It took a lot of courage to change yourself so dramatically.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hermione thought to herself.
Sequoia: Took a lot of courage to stab a needle through your tongue or whatever you did.
Kim: Yeah. Hermione! [both laugh] She was very brave.
Sequoia: She was very brave.
Kim: Going goth very visibly.
Sequoia: Mhm. It’s a big change.
Kim: I guess. She and Harry were not friends. They were not together and they did not speak much, unless they had to. Ron was in the middle, but he was so caught up in his role as keeper of the merchandise for Fred and George’s joke shop, everyone was taking orders from him, that he barely noticed the rivalry between his two best friends.
Sequoia: Well, they did fucking shun him for a while. So…
Kim: They did! They shunned him and he got a job and he’s doing really well.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Thanks for not asking, you assholes. [both laugh] He also had an on again off again relationship with Lavender Brown.
Sequoia: Lavender loves love. She loves love.
Kim: Hermione was still thinking about Harry and the moments they shared every day. He was the man she had done so much with. [Sequoia tries not to laugh] She didn’t mind it, though. It had been a first great experience for her, and Ernie had someone to live up to!
Sequoia: Ohhhhh! [both laugh hysterically]
Kim: The end!
Sequoia: The end?!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Jesus fucking Christ, man!
Kim: What? They murdered Draco, now they’re moving on with their lives.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ernie’s gonna get some. The end.
Sequoia: Oh my god! What?! [both laugh]
Kim: This story… I had it in my list, and the summary I had for myself was, Hermione goes goth and the then story rockets off the rails.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that was nuts. That was crazy.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: I loved that.
Kim: Yup. [laughs] Your predictions were all wrong.
Sequoia: They were.
Kim: Nice try, though.
Sequoia: I mean, I did try really hard on those.
Kim: You did! They were all super solid predictions.
Sequoia: Yeah. But I real… really, there was no way of seeing that coming, honestly.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: That was crazy town. So…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Oh well. I suppose… is this a reset of our points?
Kim: Yeah. I guess we should reset our points. Do you know how many points either of us had?
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: I don’t. Cool!
Sequoia: But now we both have zero. [both laugh]
Kim: Do we wanna… so you won our first season, let’s say.
Sequoia: Yeah. Our first two years.
Kim: Do either of us have a good sense of who won this last one?
Sequoia: No, but I can go look.
Kim: ‘Kay. I think it was me.
Sequoia: I… it was probably you. Just based off of the amount of shit that you got right. Like November, December, January, February.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So I would think it was probably you, but we can double check.
Kim: Okay. But up on the board right now…
Both: …zero zero.
Kim: Good try.
Sequoia: Okay. Well. Let’s…
Kim: [sighs] A little emotionally drained. Let’s… but let’s continue. Let’s press on.
Sequoia: Let’s do a segment.
Kim: To a new segment.
Sequoia: A new segment!
Kim: I think one of our listeners might have something they need to get off their chest, because there’s a knock on the door and someone’s trying to get in. Tell us about them, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh! It looks as though this is Sophie Elizabeth Raven Dubois. [Kim laughs and splutters] An OC that was sent to us.
Kim: Now give me that name again.
Sequoia: Sophie Elizabeth Raven Dubois!
Kim: Nice to meet you Sophie.
Sequoia: Age, sixteen.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: House, Slytherin.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Status, pureblood. [Kim laughs] Sophie is suuuper pale.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Has long black hair with a streak of purple in it.
Kim: Now this is really funny. You chose this OC before you had any idea what story I was gonna do.
Sequoia: Yes. Mhm.
Kim: [laughing] We’re going with a really goth vibe today.
Sequoia: Yeah, we got a theme. Her eyes are grey, but they look silver when she’s angry or upset, and red when she’s in her vampire form.
Kim: [gasps] Vampire form?!
Sequoia: Yesss! She doesn’t like the Hogwarts uniform so instead she wears thigh high black and white striped socks.
Kim: Of course she does!
Sequoia: A black denim mini skirt.
Kim: Obviously!
Sequoia: And a purple long sleeved shirt under a black tank top.
Kim: [sighs] Of course she does.
Sequoia: And a bit of make up. But not much because she has naturally long eyelashes and red lips.
Kim: Oh, she’s beautiful.
Sequoia: She can get very angry easily but she’s secretly kind.
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: She can speak nine languages and plays piano and violin. [Kim laughs] Sophie’s parents died when she was young. Naturally.
Kim: Oh. Tragic.
Sequoia: It’s rumored that Sophie’s family is tied to a famous French pureblood family, which is why Sophie has a slight French accent. [Kim laughs] Does not come from France, but she’s got some lineage there so she’s just got a little bit of a French accent.
Kim: It’s in her DNA.
Sequoia: [laughs] She’s half vampire because she was bitten by a vampire as a child. She can survive without blood.
Kim: That’s not how that works!
Sequoia: It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: No! You get bit, you are a vampire! [Sequoia laughs] Okay. What was it? She can survive without blood?
Sequoia: She can survive without blood. She’s only half vampire, so she doesn't have to drink people’s blood.
Kim: Fine. That doesn’t make any sense. I like it.
Sequoia: Sophie’s aunt wants her to get married to Draco Malfoy but she hates him. Or does she?
Kim: Oh no! [both laugh]
Sequoia: This listener sent this into us a hundred percent unedited and just copied and pasted from their OC profile from back in the day.
Both: Beautiful. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Nice work. That’s a really good one.
Sequoia: Very good. Thank you so much to the listener that sent that in to us. If you want to email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com and tell us about your OC from back in the day, you should absolutely do that thing. I fucking love these. And now we will enter the rec zooone!
Kim: The rec zone.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Both: Pew pew pew pew.
Kim: So I have a bit of a weird recommendation today.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It’s a fanfiction I read. It’s not Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: But it is about face blindness. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So I think that’s related.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Sure. Why not?
Kim: It’s a fanfiction about Cinderella.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: And the prince is face blind in it! [Sequoia laughs] And it’s really good. I found this recently and I was like, hell yeah!
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: Face blindness!
Sequoia: Nice, nice, nice.
Kim: So I’m gonna recommend that today.
Sequoia: Sweet!
Kim: I can rec stuff that’s not Harry Potter, why not? Right?
Sequoia: It’s our podcast. Just do whatever we want.
Kim: Do what I want.
Sequoia: All right! You can find a link to that recommendation in the episode description and also on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: You can also find a link to our story submission form on our website. Keep sending us that good good shit.
Kim: Yup. Especially if you can find some gems from late 2007 early 2008.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Send that our way. We’re looking for it now. I want some cool next gen shit.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Also on our website you can find links to our merch. The Yes!! Glitter!!! zine pre-orders are on our merch site.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Along with some cool stickers. And bookmarks. Not on our website is our TeePublic. On our… there’s a link to that but it’s not our website. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Nice. This is good.
Kim: Where we have all kinds of designs, so click through and check those out as well.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook @FanaticalFics or you can send us an email with your fucking OC from back in the day at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Hellll yeah! Or any of the other millions of things we demand in our email. You know.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Just email us whatever.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help this podcast out there are a few ways you can do that. Way number one.
Sequoia: Leave us a review!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: On iTunes or Facebook. Or wherever.
Kim: Or wherever. [both laugh] Way number two. Trick everyone 2020.
Sequoia: 2020!
Kim: The campaign continues and you are all very good at it.
Sequoia: Keep up the good work. You can also go on over to our Patreon. As we talked about earlier, we have new prices on our tiers. They are lower, so come be a part of our weird ass Discord.
Kim: Ass Discord.
Sequoia: Nice. [laughs] Get those bonus episodes, man.
Kim: Speaking of Patreon, at certain tiers, after certain amounts of time, you get a shout out on the podcast, which Sequoia is going to do for us today.
Sequoia: After decades of Slytherin and Gryffindor winning the House Cup, Pomona Sprout decides it’s high time that Minerva and Severus were knocked off their high horses. Being the Hufflepuffs’ head of house, Pomona is determined to see the Great Hall decked out in yellow at this year’s end of year feast. But how to get around that silly Gryffindor trio and their endlessly obnoxious heroics? If they save the wizarding world again this year, there will be no way Hufflepuff could win the cup. But who in the world could be more hard working than Hufflepuffs? Pomona decides it’s time to form her own Golden Trio. Can Justin Finch-Fletchley, Susan Bones and Ernie Macmillan defeat the Dark Lord and win Hufflepuff the House Cup? Or will Harry have to come save them from almost certain death? [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Oooh, nice work.
Sequoia: Thank you so much to our patrons Benedict Valdez-Stephanson, Andrea Skreet, Matilda Danielson, Vanessa Akey, Karen Levy and Jennifer Laconis.
Kim: Your support continues to mean so much for… to us. We like you all so much. You know who else we like? The Whomping Willows. [Sequoia laughs] For the use of our theme song. It’s Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Byeeee.
Kim: Byeeee.