Episode 83: The Third Anniversary Special: The Secret Diary (An HP DnD Adventure, Part 2)
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Stacy
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
Colin: I’m recording. [singing] I’m recording! Recording!
Kim: [singing] I’m here to record you! [muffled thumps in background] No?
Ryan: [laughs] What song is that?
Kim: I dunno.
Sequoia: [singing] I’m here…
Kim: Thank you.
Hannah: Am I allowed to...
Sequoia: [singing] …to record you!
Kim: Thank you, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [singing] Of the mess, the mess you left when we ended the end of… [Kim and Ryan laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s going to be part two of our Dungeons and Dragons anniversary episode here in a bit, but first, we’ve got a few announcements before we can let the chaos, you know, happen again.
Sequoia: [laughs] First things first, we wanted to give a big shout out to everybody who has signed up for our transcription team.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: To transcribe all of our episodes, and all of our talking over each other, and all of our mumbling, and all of our garbage.
Kim: The mumbling! It’s gotta be so hard! The mumbling is bad! [Sequoia screams] No. I’ve been so blown away by the response to our like, hey, anybody want to volunteer a lot of time and effort for us for no compensation? [both laugh]
Sequoia: And like thirty plus people were like, yeah, sure, let’s go!
Kim: You are all so incredible, and I’m really excited to be able to provide this for everyone. I think it’ll make a lot of things much clearer, hopefully. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I keep getting tagged in there, in their Discord…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …being like, what is it you were trying to say at minute blah blah blah this episode? No one can tell. They’ll consult each other…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and then tag me, and be like, what are you trying to say?!
Kim: Hard to say. Probably mumbling.
Sequoia: Ugh, we’re so bad, and our transcription team is so good, and we’re so stoked.
Kim: Yeah, I’m very excited to release those. We’ve got what? Like, the first thirty five episodes are underway right now, so…
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: …those will be going up on our website soonish.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I mean, they’ve got to be a disaster to transcribe, but… soon! I’m really excited! And thank you so much.
Sequoia: Someone’s going to get our first anniversary episode.
Kim: [whispering] Oh my god!
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m so sorry!
Kim: I mean, we probably don’t… just don’t bother!
Sequoia: Just like, break that up into chunks! Just leave it! [both laugh] Whoo! Anyway, thanks to everyone on the transcription team. Next thing is next.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [singing] Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: We are close enough to being done going through the submissions right now that we feel confident in saying that Yes!! Glitter!!! is going on preorder THIS WEEK.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: We will probably know how long it is and how much it will cost us to print it.
Sequoia: [laughs] We didn’t just wanna like ballpark it, because this is not something for us to make money off of. We just wanna charge you what it costs for us to print it and ship it to you, so…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: We… we… we… we had NO idea what we were getting ourselves into, and now this week we will get you Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: Yeah, so check our social media for that. There will be an announcement probably by Wednesday.
Sequoia: Yes, by August fifth.
Kim: But speaking of Yes!! Glitter!!! and submissions and all of that stuff, you all have done so much great work, and we got so much material, and not all of it is going to make it into Yes!! Glitter!!! But you all worked so hard and did such great stuff, I really hope that you all seriously consider posting it online.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: AO3 is a great place to do that, because I recently found out that some people have been using a Fanatical Fics podcast tag. I think a lot of our Discord’s been using it, so you should a) check out the stuff tagged that because it’s all INCREDIBLE!
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: And b) if you’ve written anything related to the pod, inspired by the pod, for the pod, post it on AO3 and tag it! So that we can all see it, ‘cause you’ve all done such great work and it’s all so weird and cursed and I love you all. [both laugh] We have a big Patreon related announcement.
Sequoia: Yes, so we a year ago redid all of our Patreon tiers, and now we have changed the pricing structure on them for this anniversary.
Kim: Yeah, they’ve been discounted a while. We’ve been running those discounted tiers for like, come hang out with us while we’re all having a hard time. And recently, we were like, what if we just kept those prices? What if… what if we just kept those?
Sequoia: So our tier that is for our Discord, that one’s $2.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The tier that has the Discord and also a monthly bonus full episode that’s sometimes live streamed, is $4.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And then our exclusive merch tier remains $10.
Kim: Because it IS expensive to make and ship things, it turns out.
Sequoia: Yes. [both laugh] As we have learned, it is.
Kim: But if you’re already a Patron at one of those, like, old higher tiers, you’re free to switch to one of these new ones, or, you know, do whatever makes you happy.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: The old tiers aren’t exactly going away, but…
Sequoia: You just won’t be able to become a new Patron at those tiers.
Kim: Yeah. So don’t worry if you’re already a Patron and you like how much you’re paying. To us.
Sequoia: [laughs] You may continue to do that if you like.
Kim: I wish we could do this and NOT have it be a disaster. [Sequoia laughs] Now…
Sequoia: After three years you should know that’s not gonna happen!
Kim: Fuck, man. Now is a great time to join our Patreon Discord, though. We just announced our House Cup winner, and reset all of our points.
Sequoia: Yes. We did.
Kim: After a year long, the Hufflepuffs DID win because there are so fucking many of them. If you are a Gryffindor and have been like thinking about maybe joining our Patron, maybe do that. They need some help.
Sequoia: [laughs] They need lots of help! Slytherins too, honestly. You can come help us out.
Kim: Yeah, there’s just a fuck ton of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, so… [both laugh]
Sequoia: For whatever reason.
Kim: Oh, who knows. But now’s a great time to join. The points have all been reset, so it’s kind of a fresh, clean start for everyone.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: So come hang out with us. If you want.
Sequoia: Excellent. Well, we’re gonna get into it, but first, two things.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: One thing. There’s a lot of supplemental material that’s involved in this.
Kim: A LOT. Hannah made a lot of stuff. And we want you all to see it.
Sequoia: Oh my god. We obviously can’t tell you what it is yet, but there’s a LOT of content that Hannah created for this… this portion of the adventure. So that is going to be… there will be a link in the description, as per usual, to our blog post where you will be able to find a link to a Google Drive. There’s literally so much that we can’t just put it in our blog post. So you’ll be able to go there and find supplemental materials for the first episode.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then the stuff that comes in this episode that you don’t want to look at until after you have...
Kim: Yeah, no. Wait until after you’ve listened because it is going to be some heavy spoilers. Obviously.
Sequoia: Yeah, heavy spoilers.
Kim: But…
Sequoia: So it’ll be tagged in there, like, don’t look at this until after you have listened to the second episode. So…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m so excited!
Kim: It’s so weird.
Sequoia: In case you… [laughs] in case you’ve forgotten what happened a week ago, here on the pod, here is a little bit of a summary for you.
Kim: [singing] Summaries!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, shit!
Kim: Okay, previously on Fanatical Fics, Voldemort assembled a team of house elves to perform a daring heist on Hogwarts for a very secret diary stashed away in Dumbledore’s office. Our intrepid team of house elves, Smooosh, played by myself, Floppy, played by Sequoia, Long Derek, played by my husband, Ryan, and Karl, played by everyone’s favorite podcast host, Colin, apparated to the Shrieking Shack and walked to the grounds. There, LD convinced the Whomping Willow that he was the tree’s son. The team then made it into Hogwarts where they met Dobby, who had recently come back from America hot. He gave them directions through the house elf tunnels to Dumbledore’s office and gave them the password to get inside. In the tunnels, the team SLAUGHTERED some innocent animals and left their corpses there to rot. [Sequoia laughs loudly] And now, I suppose, I’ll turn things over to our GM, Hannah.
Hannah: Let’s start off where we… where we last left our intrepid band of house elf adventurers. You had just had Greg slide into… into the wall. You said your goodbyes and are now standing at the top of a staircase leading down into another room. You can see that there’s a house elf sized door at the end of this tunnel, which presumabably… PRESUMABLY leads into Dumbledore’s office.
Kim: Hmm.
Colin: Hmm.
Kim: So where… these are stairs?
Hannah: Yup.
Kim: We’re gonna have to leave the dessert cart up here, I think, unless someone can levitate it. [everyone laughs]
Colin: What if we… hold on. What if we carried… what if we carried it?
Ryan: [laughs] That would be wild if we come in through the house elf door, which Dumbledore knows is stairs on the other side. ‘Kay.
Kim: ‘Kay, fine!
Sequoia: So we’re leave… we’re leaving the dessert cart?
Kim: [valley girl voice, used for Smooosh throughout] “I think it’s time to part ways with our dear dessert cart. Everyone grab a handful of cupcakes.”
Ryan: Yeah, I’m stuffing my pockets.
Colin: I’m going to put several cupcakes into my cargo shorts.
Ryan: I’d like to eat one on the spot, right now?
Hannah: Sure! Yeah, so. You… you grab the most beautiful cupcake you can find…
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: …and take a nice honking bite out of it. And immediately realize that baked goods frequently include eggs.
Ryan: Oh no! [everyone laughs loudly] No!
Hannah: And as soon as it hits… hits your… the back of your throat, your… your face starts swelling up.
Kim: Oh no.
Hannah: And I’m gonna… I’m gonna need you to take a solid two points of damage.
Ryan: Oh no.
Hannah: As your body begins to swell. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Well, that’s fair.
Sequoia: Amazing!
Ryan: I assumed they were vegan! [everyone laughs]
Colin: [surfer voice, used for Karl throughout] “Why would you have, like, assumed that, dude?”
Ryan: [high-pitched, Southern voice, used for Long Derek throughout] “I’m not in the baking section of the… the kitchen!”
Sequoia: [cautious and hesitant voice, used for Floppy throughout] “Uh, I guess we’re gonna go…”
Kim: “Should we be…”
Sequoia: “…up these stairs now.”
Kim: “Should we be concerned? Long Derek, do you need help?”
Ryan: [muffled voice] “No, I’m okay. [everyone laughs] I can keep going.”
Kim: “Okay.”
Sequoia: “Okay, let’s… let’s go up these stairs.”
Kim: Is it up or down?
Hannah: We’ll… we’ll say that it’s… we’ll say that it’s up.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: I thought you said it was down. Wait.
Hannah: It was down. But… [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, the stairs went down?
Hannah: The stairs went down, but then you said up so I was just gonna accept it and roll with it.
Sequoia: The stairs went DOWN to Dumbledore’s office?
Hannah: The stairs… go… go to.. go to the stairs.
Kim: We’re above Dumbledore’s office.
Ryan: Can we do like a group stealth roll? I feel like we… we might wanna be a little…
Kim: Stealthy?
Ryan: Stealthy. Since this is kind of a heist.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: We have lost the cover of the dessert cart.
Kim: Yeah, okay, we’re gonna stealth down.
Colin: Okay. Stealthing on down the road. [dice roll]
Kim: I got a twenty five.
Ryan: Wow, you got a nat twenty! Awesome!
Kim: Yeah, I also got a nat twenty.
Hannah: Wow! Holy shit!
Ryan: I did get a nineteen.
Hannah: Wow!
Colin: I got a six. [everyone laughs and snorts] Plus one, which is seven.
Hannah: What… what’d you get, Floppy?
Sequoia: Thirteen.
Hannah: Noice. Okay. Well, yeah. You, Smooosh, and Long Derek are fucking ready,, in spite of your physical ailments, LD. You sort of roll yourself down the stairs as you continue to inflate. [everyone laughs] And we’ll say that you make your way through the corridor and open the door in the order that you rolled. So we’ll go with Smooosh going first, very quietly, and then Long Derek, bobbing along behind. And Floppy is coming in third, and then Karl is taking up the rear.
Colin: Hey!
Hannah: And as you.. you open the door, you enter into a large and beautiful circular room. The walls are covered with portraits of old headmasters and headmistresses, all of which seem to be sleeping in their frames. In the center of the room is a large, claw-footed desk and behind it you see a miniature sphinx the size of a small dog, who appears to have a book resting beneath his paws. Throughout the room, you hear tiny strange sounds coming from the many mysterious instruments scattered on spindle legged tables throughout the room, intermixed with the buzzing of security lasers as they zig zag in red lines across the room. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Amazing.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Cool. Is it a real sphinx, or a statue?
Hannah: You can see him blinking. He appears to be real.
Kim: ‘Kay. ‘Kay. Who’s the… who’s the most nimble of us?
Ryan: I think that would be me?
Kim: ‘Kay.
Ryan: How many lasers are we talking?
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Hella lasers.
Ryan: Oh, shit.
Sequoia: Hella lasers.
Ryan: What if we got the sphinx to bring it to us somehow?
Kim: Hmm.
Ryan: Like, I could prestidigitate a doggy toy or something.
Kim: Mhm.
Ryan: Are sphinxes doggies?
Sequoia: I mean, I think it’s worth trying?
Hannah: You can certainly try.
Colin: But what if the sphinx trips the lasers?
Ryan: Oh, right. That wouldn’t help at all. [everyone laughs] That would actually be the worst idea.
Colin: That would be bad. What if I tried to HACK the lasers?
Kim: Okay. Can we… can I look around the room for an off switch for the lasers?
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: But wouldn’t that involve us going into the room with the lasers?
Colin: We’re in the room.
Kim: We’re, like, peeking in.
Colin: Are we?
Kim: Are we in some part that doesn’t have lasers?
Hannah: No, you’re sorta like standing in the doorway, peering over each other’s shoulders.
Colin: Ah.
Sequoia: So if we go into the room, we are going to trip the lasers. So I feel like, what if we just did that?
Ryan: Wait, before we do…
Kim: Wow, no!
Ryan: …I have a plan.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: All right.
Ryan: Can I cast Mage Hand and go see if I can just delicately grab the book from the sphinx?
Hannah: Okay, gotcha, gotcha. Okay, so yeah, your hand… your spectral hand floats out in front of you, and I am going to make you sleight of hand to avoid the lasers, still.
Ryan: Deal. Eighteen.
Hannah: Wow.
Colin: Nice, nice, nice, nice.
Hannah: You deftly maneuver your spooky, spooky hand past all of the lasers, and you… your hand lands… or, I suppose, floats in front of the sphinx, and… are you going to try to grab the book?
Ryan: Yes?
Hannah: Okay, yeah, you go to try and grab it and it won’t budge out from underneath the sphinx.
Ryan: Ah. Okay. Well, I do, while my hand is over there, I give the sphinx a pet, and I say, whispering from across the room, I say, “Good doggy.” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: The… the… the sphinx sorta of taps… taps their back leg a little bit, like… like a little dog. But, also says [deep voice, used for the sphinx throughout] “I’m not a dog.” In a very deep voice.
Ryan: Oh shit. I don’t know what sphinxes are. [everyone laughs] Okay, well, I… yeah, I’m gonna just end that spell. Anyone else got any?
Kim: Okay, I do… I do still want to like, peek my head out and look around the room for an off switch.
Hannah: Okay, yeah. Roll investigation.
Kim: I got a twelve.
Hannah: Yeah, it seems to be, like, magically coming out of the walls, and so there… there doesn’t seem to be a source. And there subsequently doesn’t seem to be, like, a way to inhibit that source, you know what I mean?
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Hannah: They’re coming out of the walls themselves.
Ryan: Wait, the sphinx could talk English, right?
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, it did just talk to you.
Hannah: Yeah.
Ryan: Can we just yell over to it? “Hey, you… you, charismatic one. Floppy.”
Colin: Floppy!
Sequoia: “Yeah. Yeah. Yes? Um, hello, Mr. Sphinx!”
Hannah: “Hello.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Could we possibly… could you… could you just like toss us that book you’re sitting on?”
Hannah: “No. Who are you?”
Sequoia: “I’m… I’m Floppy.”
Hannah: “Nice to meet you, Floppy. I’ve been tasked with guarding this. I take my job very seriously.”
Sequoia: “Is there… we could trade you?”
Hannah: “I mean, no. But…”
Sequoia: “Oh.”
Hannah: “You could… you could attempt to solve my riddle, and you know, if you… if you solve my riddle, then there’s still a lot of shit in this room, but like that… that’s how you get the book.” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: That’s very, very literal.
Sequoia: “Okay. What… what’s your riddle?” [laughs]
Hannah: “Well, I’m… I’m glad that you asked. I’ve worked really hard on this one actually, I’m very excited. Okay. [deep breath] Okay. What has many eyes but cannot see?”
Ryan: “I know this one.”
Kim: Long Derek knows this one?
Ryan: “Yeah, it’s the word Mississippi.”
Kim: What?
Hannah: “That’s a very good guess, but no. That’s a new one. I haven’t heard of that one before.”
Ryan: “It… but it… it does though. It has many Is.”
Hannah: “Technically. Technically factually correct, but not th e answer I was looking for.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: In what sense can Mississippi not see?
Ryan: How… in what sense CAN it see?
Colin: Yeah, wait a second.
Kim: Oh my god.
Colin: It’s a word.
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: “I would argue that that is a valid answer to your riddle, and so we should… we should… we got it right. It may not have been the answer YOU wanted, but it was correct.”
Hannah: “I mean…”
Ryan: “I would submit that your answer is the wrong one, sir.”
Kim: “Shut up!”
Hannah: “I worked really hard on that though. That’s kind of rude.”
Sequoia: “I’m sorry, I just… can we…”
Colin: “Is it a… team aside?”
Kim: “Yeah, okay.”
Sequoia: “You would agree… team aside. Sorry!” [mumbles] [laughs]
Hannah: I’ll make you… I’ll… you can roll for persuasion too, when you’re done with your team aside.
Sequoia: Okay. What’s our team aside?
Colin: Team aside. [whispering] “I think it’s a potato.”
Kim: “Oh.”
Ryan: “Oh, that’s also good.”
Kim: “Yeah, that is good.”
Colin: “A spud.”
Kim: “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
Sequoia: “Okay, we can try that.”
Kim: “Okay, we’ll… let’s try to persuade him about Mississippi first.”
Colin: “Okay. Okay.”
Sequoia: Okay, first I’m gonna roll for persuasion. Eighteen.
Hannah: “Well, I mean… are you… are you guys done chatting yet?”
Kim: “Yeah, totally!”
Hannah: “I have had a chance to think about things. I did… I did count the Is, and I mean, I guess… I guess I don’t know how a state would technically be able to see things, so…”
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: “So it for sure wasn’t what I was expecting, but, yeah, I mean, I guess I’ll give it to you. If you guys can get over to here, you can have it.”
Kim: “Hell yeah, Long Derek!” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “I did it!”
Sequoia: “So you’re saying… okay, is it possible that you could ask a second riddle and then tell us how to turn the lasers off?”
Hannah: “Oh, I… I’m actually… have a really hard time with technology. I really don’t… technology, magic. I really don’t know how to do that one for you, my dude.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Damnit. “Karl, I think you’re gonna have to hack the lasers.”
Colin: “Cool.” Karl cracks his knuckles. “Like, first things first though. Sphinx, dude?”
Hannah: “Yes.”
Colin: “What answer WERE you thinking of?”
Hannah: “It was actually a potato.” [everyone laughs]
Colin: “That’s so rad! That’s so rad! That’s what I was gonna say!”
Hannah: “Really? Oh, man! Hey! That’s pretty cool!”
Colin: “Yeah! Aw man, we… that is chill. We are totally vibing. We’re on the same vibe length!”
Hannah: “We are! I like you. I like you, my dude. What’s your name?”
Colin: “Hi, I’m Karl with a K. Karl.”
Hannah: “Hi, I’m Sphinx with an S! [everyone laughs] The magical creature, not the cat.”
Colin: “No, I… I can dig that.”
Hannah: “Yeah. Yeah. It’s nice to meet you, Karl.”
Colin: “Nice to meet you, Sphinx with an S.”
Hannah: “Cool. Cool, well…”
Colin: “All right.”
Hannah: “This has been… this has been productive and stuff.”
Colin: “This was very productive. Okay, I’m just gonna have a peek around the room, though.”
Hannah: Are you wanting to Investigate the room or are you wanting to, like, go into the room?
Colin: I guess I’m wanting to Investigate the room. I don’t wanna go in just yet, ‘cause I… I do want to see if I can hack those lasers! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I’m gonna have you roll an arcana check to see if you… if you know any sort of magical laser spells that you can… you can maybe try to think up a counter spell to.
Colin: Ooh! Come on, Karl needs a new pair of shoes! [everyone laughs] [sighs] It’s a two. It’s a two. [everyone laughs again]
Hannah: Aw. You’re unfortunately so excited about the fact that you just made a new friend that you’re totally spacing. Roll an investigation check, though.
Colin: ‘Kay. Seventeen!
Hannah: Okay. You still can tell that it seems to be magically emanating from the walls, but there does seem to be enough space in between all of the zig zagging lines that you could hypothetically try to maneuver your way through them, if you were dexterous enough.
Kim: Hm.
Colin: All right.
Hannah: You could sorta like spy movie your way through all of the zig zagging lines.
Colin: “All right, team, I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you wanna know, like, first?”
Sequoia: “I want the bad news first.”
Kim: “Yeah.”
Colin: “All right, bad news first. Untubular, unchill, unbro, if you will. I can’t… I can’t hack this. I know I was hired for doing one job, and I can’t hack these lasers for you. I’m so sorry. Good news, on the other hand though, my bros, my broskis, my bromchomskis. There does appear to be enough room betwixt these lasers for the most dextrous of us, perhaps, to slip on through. To break on through to the other side, as it were.”
Kim: “What if we timed it JUST right, and one of us threw another one of us through the lasers? [everyone laughs] So they could do some cool fips.”
Ryan: Are the lasers moving in the air, or are they all stationary?
Hannah: They are stationary.
Kim: Okay.
Ryan: Well that’d still be just super rad though.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Are there any lasers pointed at the top of the desk?”
Hannah: No. There seems to be a nice, safe zone right on top of the desk.
Sequoia: “I would like to Apparate to the top of the desk.”
Colin: “Brillant.”
Hannah: Yeah, sure.
Ryan: Wait. That was an easy puzzle to figure out. [laughs]
Sequoia: ‘Kay, I do that.
Kim: Can… can we Apparate in Hogwarts?
Colin: Oh!
Hannah: You can try.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: We’re house elves! So I’m gonna try.
Hannah: Okay.
Colin: Don’t blow up.
Kim: Oh, god.
Hannah: Cool. So you…
Sequoia: [whispering] What do I have to do?
Hannah: Well, you could just say that you’re gonna Apparate.
Sequoia: Okay. I Apparate to the top of the desk.
Hannah: Cool, you jump and do a nice little spin, and with a POP you appear on top of the desk. And you do realize that Lord Voldemort is a dumbass and had forgotten that house elves can Apparate in here. Apparate. [everyone laughs]
Colin: “Bogus.”
Sequoia: They can!
Hannah: So, yeah. That’s chill.
Colin: “Totally bogus!”
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: He didn’t know. They were keeping that on the DL, ‘cause, like, that’s a little bit too easy for him to break into Hogwarts, obviously.
Kim: “I think… nice job, Floppy! Keep going!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: All right, Mr. Sphinx. Can I… can I have that book now, please?”
Hannah: So he is technically not ON the desk. He’s on a spot behind the desk. He’s on a table behind the desk. So if you can, like, maneuver your arm through the lasers, you could just take… like, he has relinquished the book.
Sequoia: Okay, should I… is it okay with everybody if I roll for that?
Colin: “Yeah. Yes.”
Kim: “Do it!”
Colin: “Grab the book!”
Kim: “Grab that book!”
Hannah: Roll for acrobatics, and then anybody else who wants to join can also try to do that thing.
Ryan: Can’t… can’t you Apparate even closer to the sphinx?
Hannah: There… there are lasers surrounding him.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Ryan: Oh, like no room for a little house elf in there. Gotcha.
Sequoia: Seventeen.
Hannah: Nice! So you deftly maneuver your little house elf arm past the remaining lasers, and you pluck the book out of his clutches. And…
Ryan: Yay!
Hannah: And… and you are now in possession of the book, which I will hand you momentarily. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What?
Hannah: ‘Kay, I’m… I’m gonna send pictures of this to you guys, so you can… you can all look at it.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: But here’s what you have, Sequoia.
Sequoia: “I would like to take the book and Apparate back to my friends now.”
Hannah: Okay, yeah, that’s chill.
Kim: “Leave a cupcake! Leave a cupcake!”
Hannah: Did you bring a cupcake with you?
Sequoia: I didn’t bring a cupcake with me.
Ryan: But also, open that book up and dish the goss!
Sequoia: “Okay, so here’s… here’s the thing, you guys. Voldemort told us we weren’t allowed to open it.”
Colin: “What if we did, though?”
Kim: “Yeah, but what if we did?”
Sequoia: “Okay!” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Wait, are we the baddies?”
Sequoia: [laughs] “There’s so much in here!”
Hannah: I worked very hard on this.
Kim: “Floppy, could you just read us a little bit of this?”
Sequoia: “Okay. Yes. So. This is property of L. Voldie. Top secret, keep out. Dear, diary. Ugh, school is the worst. My stupid Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is a total jerk and gave me an F on my last test. Professor Slughorn says he’s just jealous of how totally cool I am. Anyways, diary, I found this totally cool new band that none of my other friends have heard about, which is obviously makes them even cooler. They’re called My Chemical Romance, and I feel like they just get me. Anyways, I’ve got to go get ready for my next class or else my teachers are totally gonna flip. I’ll come back and write some more later. TTYL. [everyone laughs] There’s a… there’s a heart, and it says Voldie + Gerard Way in it, and it says Mr. Voldemort Way.” [everyone laughs] Oh, there’s a poem!” [dissolves into laughter]
Kim: “What’s the poem?!”
Sequoia: “I’m sorry, wait a second! There’s a poem!”
Kim: “Are you crying too much to read the poem?”
Sequoia: “No, I got it, I got it. The trees cry all night/because they know my plight./Will she call again/or a message will she send?/No./No./No./No./Cry for me trees./Cry.” [everyone laughs loudly]
Ryan: I… I very much like the one where he learned how to draw S shapes.
Kim: Yeah, the S shape one is good!
Colin: [laughs] He’s drawing the S! [Sequoia still laughing]
Ryan: That was a good touch, Hannah.
Hannah: Fuck you. [everyone laughs] I… I tried to channel my inner middle school self as much as possible.
Colin: It’s working.
Sequoia: At one point he was in love with Bellatrix.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And he says, Maybe me, her, and Gerard Way can get married and live happily ever after in California together. L. Voldie + Gerard Way + Bellatrix Lestrange.
Colin: Oh man!
Kim: I guess all of these pictures are gonna be up on our Insta, so…
Sequoia: He’s gonna sign up for the talent show and read poetry.
Colin: Don’t do it! Oh, Voldemort, don’t do it!
Kim: Oh, no!
Ryan: “Hey guys, we’re still kinda… kinda in deep in enemy territory here, maybe we should…” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Shut up, LD!”
Ryan: “…skedaddle, don’t you think?”
Colin: “Are you kidding, we’ve been working for this guy for HOW long?”
Kim: “Don’t you wanna know what happened at the talent show?!”
Ryan: “Well, couldn’t we… maybe we could back into the… the little tunnel before we just…”
Kim: “But the talent show!” [Ryan laughs]
Sequoia: “No! He did do the talent show, but everyone laughed and made fun of him.” [Colin laughs]
Kim: “All right, we’ve got the goods, everyone! And now we’ve read all of the goods, let’s get the FUCK outta here!”
Hannah: Awesome.
Kim: “Since we apparently can Apparate around Hogwarts, what if we just Apparated out?”
Colin: “That sounds…”
Ryan: “Yeah, let’s do it.”
Hannah: Yeah. Yeah, as you… as you guys are… are reading all of your… you’re discussing what you’re gonna do next, you notice that there is another door adjacent to this door, and you hear voices coming up the hall. They appear to be discussing something about fish sticks? As it gets closer you hear some… the deep voice of an older man saying [slow, deep voice, used for Dumbledore throughout] “Oh, I don’t know, Harry. I feel like fish sticks are one of those things that you really have to be specific about what brand you like. Like, if you wander into just any old fish stick package, like, it really…” And then he opens the door and sees all of you standing there, and goes, “Oh!” [everyone laughs] Oh, jeez, I knew I was gonna punch the mic at some point. Goddamnit.
Kim: Whoops. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: “What… who are you? What are you guys doing here?”
Kim: Er...
Colin: Uh...
Sequoia: Um…
Colin: “Cheese it! Let’s blow this popsicle stand!”
Ryan: “Cheese it! Everyone get…”
Kim: “We’re here… for a job interview?”
Ryan: “Oh, yeah.”
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Hannah: “Is that why you need my book? Whatcha doing there, buddy?”
Kim: “Uh…”
Hannah: And as… as this old man stands there asking you questions, a younger man sort of shoves him out of the way and pulls two swords out of sheaths behind his back.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: Shit. Shing shing! [Colin laughs]
Hannah: You can see…
Kim: Okay.
Hannah: You can see that he has tousled dark brown hair, bright green eyes, and a lightning bolt scar. And he says, [through plugged nose, voice used for Harry throughout] “Who the FUCK are you?” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Uh…”
Kim: “Uh…”
Colin: “Uh…”
Sequoia: I feel like we’ve got two options here.
Colin: Yup.
Sequoia: I kinda wanna fight him.
Hannah: “I… I can… I can hear you. [everyone laughs] I would rather not fight you. What is your… what’s your name?”
Sequoia: “Doorknob.”
Hannah: “Nice to meet you, Doorknob.”
Colin: “I’m…”
Hannah: “Who… who are the rest of you? Whatcha doing? Why you trying to steal my book?”
Kim: “Well, it’s just such a cool book, we… couldn’t help ourselves! But look at it!”
Sequoia: “Mhm.”
Kim: “Do you want a cupcake?”
Hannah: “I’d love a cupcake, thank you. That’s actually very nice of you. Yeah, so I’m assuming that you’re infiltrating [everyone laughs] the castle, and attempting to steal this…”
Colin: “That’s, like, a big assumption, man. I would not go that far!”
Kim: “We were just here to clean your office, and couldn’t help ourselves. We’ll just be going now?”
Colin: “Yup, going right now.”
Hannah: “Couldn’t help yourselves? To solve the riddle? No, no, no, no, no. Let’s come and sit down and talk about this now, kids.”
Kim: “Do we HAVE to?”
Hannah: “Yes.”
Kim: “Okay.”
Colin: I kinda just wanna cast shatter. [everyone laughs loudly]
Hannah: I mean, you can do that. You can do whatever you want to do.
Ryan: So let’s…
Kim: “Well, sir, obviously we are okay with talking to you. Here we go!”
Sequoia: Here we go? [laughs loudly]
Kim: Let’s talk about this. Situation.
Hannah: You… you… he… he just… [laughs] he gestures… he gestures over to the desk, snaps his fingers, and the laser lights turn off.
Colin: Ahh!
Sequoia: Naturally.
Hannah: And the young boy menacingly pokes some swords in your direction and… and sort of tries to corral you into the room.
Kim: “Now, this isn’t as polite as it could be.” [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: “Well, that’s what you get when you try to steal shit, friend!”
Colin: I… I guess that’s kind of fair, actually. It’s like…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Now, is it really stealing? Does this book even really belong to you? ‘Cause it seems to say on the front that it’s the property of someone else.” [Colin laughs menacingly]
Sequoia: [whispering] Got him! Oh, got him. Got him.
Hannah: “Well, that… that is a very interesting perspective to take, but you know… you know what they say. Finders keepers, losers weepers, except for only when it… when it counts toward me, so…” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “I HAD heard that.”
Hannah: “Yes. I… it’s a very important rule that I just made up, and I would… I would like to, you know, potentially strike a deal with you guys. I had my suspicions that Lord Voldemort would send someone. I was NOT expecting a group of strangely clad house elves, but…”
Sequoia: “Maybe you’re the strangely clad one. Rude!”
Hannah: “That’s valid. That was rude of me.” “No it wasn’t, get them! Get them, professor!” “But, you know, I think that we could potentially come to a mutually beneficial conclusion here.”
Sequoia: “Huh. We are intrigued.”
Colin: “Yeah.”
Hannah: “How do you guys feel about being house elves, generally speaking? Is it a vibe?”
Ryan: “Oh, it’s terrible!”
Colin: “It’s not great!”
Kim: “Yeah, it’s like the worst, actually!”
Colin: “It’s not chill. It’s not a vibe. Tubular. What’s the… a square. It’s very square.”
Kim: “Mhm.” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: “I mean, I… I had my suspicions that you would say that. I have recently in my travels, as head of Hogwarts, come across a very exciting potion that allows us to circumvent the rules normally in place when it comes to freeing house elves. I am in a bit of a pickle, and if you help me, I could probably help you be not house elves any more. I mean, you would still be house elves, but like you wouldn’t be enslaved!”
Sequoia: “I… I am intrigued, but I need to hear about your pickle.”
Hannah: “Sure!” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Sequoia!
Hannah: “Wow!” says the teenage boy. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: This is a family friendly podcast!
Kim: It is absolutely not.
Ryan: Oh, right.
Hannah: “Well I’m glad that you asked. I am currently working to, you know, sort of shatter the image of Lord Voldemort. And a part of that involves releasing all of his poetry that he wrote in middle school to the public. The only problem being that when he was in school, he cast a spell so that anyone who is currently or has ever been connected to Hogwarts cannot speak about the contents inside of the book.”
Colin: “Oh.”
Sequoia: “Oh.”
Hannah: “And so, I’ve read it, and wowie zowie.” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Right?!”
Hannah: “But also, I can’t do anything about it, which is kind of a bummer, or whatever. But you guys have never… presumably never attended Hogwarts. You’ve never worked here, is what I’m getting.”
Kim: Mhm.
Colin: “I audited some classes.”
Hannah: “Oh, really? Well, maybe you…”
Colin: “No. No.”
Hannah: “Oh, okay. I was gonna say, you’re fired.”
Colin: “All right, all right. Just a little levity. Little levity.”
Hannah: [laughs] “But yeah, you guys aren’t connected. I think… I think that the curse might not work on you.”
Sequoia: “Oookay.”
Hannah: “If you’re willing to help me, I have… I have a contact that I was supposed to meet with and we were going to try to figure out how to work around this together. But if you wanted to go and meet her and tell her what it was that you learned about in the book, I could… I could help you. I could give you guys the potion and help you guys be free. You could come and chill at Hogwarts, and, you know, go traveling through Europe, presumably. [everyone laughs] I don’t know how house elves get passports, but that’s probably something that I can help with.”
Kim: [stage whispering] “We could go to America and get HOT!”
Colin: [laughs] “We could go to America and get hot.”
Sequoia: “Oh my gosh, you guys, we could!”
Hannah: “I have heard that people from America are pretty hot. Yeah.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “We need to discuss this.”
Hannah: “That’s valid. I’ll… I’ll… I’ll give you a moment to have a team meeting, over there.”
Colin: [laughs] “Let’s have a team meeting.”
Hannah: “Harry, put your swords away.” “Ugh, fine!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “I think this is… I mean, either it works out, or Voldemort kills us.”
Kim: “Yeah.”
Colin: “Yeah.”
Ryan: “Those are the only two options.” [laughs]
Colin: “I do, like, really, really like the idea of being free but like aren’t there still tons of house elves who work HERE, and he’s, like, hasn’t bothered to free them?”
Sequoia: “Mhm.”
Kim: “Very true.”
Sequoia: “It seemed like Dobby was free.”
Colin: “Oh, he did seem pretty free.”
Sequoia: “He went to America and came back hot!”
Colin: “That’s true, people who aren’t free don’t usually come back from places hot.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: “And we haven’t actually seen any other house elves, other than Dobby. And I mean, like, maybe fuck Voldemort? That guy sucks.”
Colin: “I mean, definitely, definitely like fuck Voldemort, but do we… but also… but like, is this geezer chill?”
Kim: “No!”
Sequoia: “Hmm. That’s a great question, Karl.” [Hannah laughs]
Colin: “Cha!”
Kim: “Maybe… maybe… what if we demanded freedom for all house elves?”
Ryan: “Wow.”
Sequoia: “Oh! Yeah.”
Colin: “Yes. We want our own freedom and also the recipe.”
Kim: “Yeah!”
Colin: “For the freedom juice.”
Kim: “Yeah!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Okay, let’s… let’s do it.”
Colin: “Yes.”
Kim: “All right.”
Colin: “All right.”
Sequoia: “Um, Mr. Old Man, sir?”
Hannah: “Yes, that is me.”
Sequoia: “We have come to a decision.”
Hannah: “Okay, let’s hear it.”
Sequoia: “And, um, we would like to help you, but we would also like to free all house elves.”
Hannah: “Hmm.”
Sequoia: “So we will do it if you give us the recipe for the freedom juice, so that we can free every house elf.”
Hannah: “Hmm. Hmm. You house elves drive a hard bargain. This is… huh. This is… you know what? This is really important to me. This is really important to me, and yeah, I guess… I guess I’m fine with house elves being free, or whatever.”
Kim: “Now, I’d just like to clarify. This thing that’s really important for you is shaming someone for the stuff they wrote in middle school?”
Hannah: “Yes.” [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: “Yikes.”
Colin: “You wanna… since we’re the only ones who can, like, read it, you want us to like record it, and then, at one point. And then like broadcast that recording at another point? Or like maybe put it in a place where everybody can get it?”
Hannah: “Oh. No, you just need to go and talk to the reporter contact, communicate the information in the journal TO her, so that the information is coming from YOU, not from the journal.”
Colin, Sequoia, Ryan, and Kim: “Oh.”
Hannah: “And then that should circumvent the curse.”
Colin: “Gotcha. I thought you wanted us to put it in, like, an audio format so people could like, listen to it in their cars.”
Kim: “Uh huh. Uh huh.”
Hannah: “Sure.”
Colin: “At the beach.”
Kim: “Maybe record some reactions, some live reactions to the content.” [dissolves into loud laughter] [everyone laughs]
Hannah: “I mean, you certainly could do that too. That sounds like that would actually be a very lovely listening experience.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Okay. So if you just want to go ahead and give us the freedom juice and the recipe, we will go do this thing.”
Hannah: “I… I will give you the freedom juice AFTER you have accomplished the job that I need you to do.”
Colin: “What about if you did like half freedom now, and half freedom later?”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh god!
Hannah: “Hmm.”
Sequoia: “Karl!”
Kim: “I mean, honestly though, we don’t even know that this is gonna work. You’re asking us to put our lives at risk.”
Hannah: “Hmm. [sighs] That’s… that’s fair.”
Kim: “Is there a house elf here that you could free in front of us with the freeing juice? So we can see it work?”
Hannah: “Well, everyone here is already free.”
Colin: “Oh!”
Hannah: “I could maybe free one of you, and then you could… you could maybe do something that you’re not really normally allowed to do.”
Colin: “Hmm.”
Sequoia: “Hmm.”
Hannah: “And then, see, if, you know, it hurts or whatever…” He pulls a vial out of… out of one of his many pockets. “Are you into it?”
Colin: “I’m down.”
Kim: “I think we’re into that.”
Colin: “I’m down.”
Sequoia: “Yeah.”
Ryan: “I’m into that.”
Sequoia: “We’ll do it!”
Hannah: “Who would you like to be free for science?”
Kim: “Do we want to choose randomly?”
Colin: “We could, like, draw straws? Oh! I have a bag of Skittles. We could… whoever gets the pink Skittle…”
Kim: “I have a convenient four sided object in my pocket. Why not?” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yeah, sure.
Kim: “I’m one, LD’s two, Floppy’s three, and good old Karl’s four. Here we go! [dice rolls] [Ryan gasps] It’s Floppy!”
Ryan: “Floppy! You’ll be freed!”
Sequoia: “It’s me!”
Colin: “Free Floppy! Or kill, if this was a trick.”
Sequoia: “All right, I’m ready!”
Kim: “Yeah.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “I’m ready.”
Hannah: Okay, so the old man pulls a shot glass out of one of his pockets, and… and pours you a shot of freedom juice, and hands it to you.
Sequoia: “All right.”
Hannah: “Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!” [everyone laughs] “No, stop, Harry. Stop. It’s a somber moment.”
Sequoia: “Okay, here it goes!” And I… drink it!
Hannah: You… you immediately have a tingling sensation course through your body. And once it reaches the top of your head, you begin to sparkle and float in the air, and a beautiful rainbow aura happens around you, and you have a very lovely magical girl transformation in front of your friends.
Ryan: Oh! [Sequioa gasps]
Hannah: And when you land gracefully, a single glistening tear falls out of your eye. [everyone laughs]
Colin: “Floppy, you’re beautiful!” [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: You look like a house elf still, just like…
Colin: Just shiny!
Hannah: Just shiny! Just COVERED in glitter.
Sequoia: “Okay. I guess I should try to do something I’m not supposed to do?”
Colin: “Cha. Cha.”
Kim: “Yeah.”
Sequoia: “Okay, so since I am a house elf from the Avery family, I guess I’ll… I guess I’ll talk some shit?”
Hannah: Sure.
Kim: “Hell, yeah! That’s so punk rock!” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: “What sort of things do you hate about them?”
Sequoia: “Um, uh, they… I’m so sorry, I’ve never done this before! [laughs] Um, okay. So the Avery family um, are… mean?”
Kim: “Yeah!”
Sequoia: “And… racist? [finger snapping in the background] And they’re some stupid fucking asshole murderers!”
Hannah, Kim, Colin, and Ryan: [cheering] Yeah!
Hannah: Got ‘em. Got ‘em!
Ryan: “Floppy, how do you feel?”
Hannah: How do you feel?
Sequoia: “I… I think I feel fine?”
Hannah: I mean, it doesn’t seem like anything happened.
Sequoia:”Oh, wow.”
Hannah: That was pretty… that was pretty good. You got them real good, there.
Colin: “Yeah, I think this old guy is all right!”
Sequoia: “I did!”
Hannah: “You guys in?”
Colin: “Let’s do it!”
Kim: “Yeah!”
Hannah: “Okay, well, that’s awesome! This actually makes my day a lot easier. I… I thought it was going to be a lot more stressful than this. [everyone laughs] I… yeah! I was gonna go and meet actually my contact out in the woods. If you want to go and do that for me, I can draw you sort of like a vague map of where I was gonna go. You could go and tell her… tell her the shit that you read, and then… then we can be done. I’ll come find you and give you the rest of the potions. And yeah, yeah, I guess it’s valid that you want to free everyone else too, or whatever, so eh, I’ll just give you the recipe. That’s fine.”
Sequoia: “Great!”
Hannah: “I never thought about it, honestly, but, yeah, that seems like probably a good idea.”
Colin: “Never once? You have all these sentient beings?” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: “Eh, I mean I have other more important things to do. I am obviously Dumbledore.”
Kim: “Uh huh.”
Colin: “Okay…”
Kim: “We are going to seize the magical means of production so hardcore.”
Colin: “We are gonna… you are selling us the rope we’re gonna hang you with.” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: “I’m feeling a little bit nervous now, but…”
Sequoia: [stage whispering] “Karl, shut up!”
Colin: “Sorry.”
Sequoia: “Okay, if you just wanna give us that map, we’ll be on our way.”
Hannah: “Sure, yeah.” So he goes and draws up a map of the forest for you. “Yeah, I mean, like, I’m not a super great artist, but here’s a map. It’s by some trees, and, you know, there’s a clearing, and…”
Kim: “This is a very helpful map, thank you.”
Colin: “Thank you for the map.”
Hannah: “Yeah, you’re welcome.”
Ryan: “Hey, we passed by a tree that looked just like that on the way in. I… yeah, we can find that.”
Kim: “I think that other tree had a frowny face.”
Ryan: “Oh yeah. Oh, the one with all the hits, yeah, yeah. Different tree.”
Hannah: “The willow, yeah. He… he does have kind of a grumpy mood, generally speaking. He’s decidedly not a vibe. But yeah, yeah. I mean, y'all should be able to apparate over there pretty easily, so…”
Kim: “Mhm.”
Hannah: “I don’t know if anybody told you, but we try to keep it on the DL, I hope you can keep it to yourself too, but house elves CAN in fact apparate in and out of Hogwarts. You can keep that to yourselves.”
Kim: “Yeah, you think he might wanna be more worried about that.”
Colin: “Especially once we’re all free and mad at you.” [Ryan laughs]
Hannah: “I… are you mad at me?”
Colin: “Oh no, I meant hypothetically.”
Kim: “Hypothetical mad house elves.”
Colin: “Hypothetically mad house elves, yeah. Upset.”
Hannah: “Well, I feel like we’re buds now, so…”
Colin: “Oh no, you and I? WE’RE vibing. I don’t… I know I just met you, but I feel like… anyway…”
Hannah: Mhm.
Sequoia: [whispering] “Oh my god.”
Colin: “Anyway, we got a lot to do, but let’s hang out.”
Sequoia: Anyway, I apparate to the… [everyone laughs]
Kim: So I guess we apparate to, where? The front doors? This map is not good enough for us to apparate there.
Colin: Nope.
Sequoia: No.
Hannah: [laughs] That’s valid.
Colin: Let’s…
Sequoia: I don’t even know how we’re gonna find this.
Kim: It’s fine. We’ll find it.
Colin: Whatever.
Ryan: “Hey, I know a tree that we can ask for directions. We can go ask my father tree.”
Colin: [laughs] “A tree who is your dad.”
Ryan: “Yeah.”
Colin: “Yeah, isn’t that tree, like, your dad? Little Derek? Long Derek? Baby Derek?”
Ryan: “Yeah, if we get lost, we can always just go talk to my dad.”
Colin: “Cool!”
Hannah: “That’s a really interesting family dynamic. How did that work?”
Ryan: “It’s complicated. Actually we were separated for a long time. I just found him and realized he was my dad. Just… just today.”
Hannah: “Congratulations, that’s really nice. Sounds like you had a good day.”
Ryan: “It was great! It was a nice reunion, yeah. I like this place.”
Hannah: “Cool. Well, get the fuck out of my office!” [Sequoia laughs]
Ryan: Oh shit! All right, we apparate. We go.
Kim: We go.
Sequoia: We apparate to the front doors, sure.
Colin: I do that. I apparate.
Hannah: Yeah, you guys are… are… with a POP appear back out front of Hogwarts, by the great oak front doors.
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: You can see the Whomping Willow, that you came out from inside of, technically, I suppose, earlier. And off in the distance you can see what appears to be a dark forest.
Kim: Can we see anything that looks like it might be, like, a broomshed?
Sequoia: Why?
Hannah: Yeah, we’ll say that…
Colin: What are you going for, Smooosh?
Hannah: Yeah, we’ll say that, off to the right, just before the line of trees begins for the forest, there does seem to be a shed of some sort. Can’t for sure know what’s inside, but…
Kim: Mhm, mhm. It’s near, like, the Quidditch stands, right?
Hannah: Yeah, sure! Yeah, there’s a Quidditch… there’s a Quidditch stand over there off to the right. We’ll say that that’s what’s happening.
Ryan: “Why do you ask there, Mooosh? Where you… what… you got something to do over there?”
Colin: “Hey, Smooosh. Like…”
Kim: “Well, I mean, we’re looking for a clearing in the forest and I’m worried it’s going to be hard to find, but if we FLEW over the forest…”
Colin: “Oh!”
Kim: “…maybe we could spot it from above!” [laughs]
Sequoia: “I mean, that’s a good idea, I guess. That being said, this map is three trees.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: “We are looking for a person in the clearing.”
Ryan: “Yeah, let’s do that.”
Colin: “All right.”
Kim: “Yeah!”
Ryan: “Let’s steal some brooms.”
Colin: “Let’s shred the sky. Let’s do it!”
Sequoia: Shred the sky? Jesus Christ!
Hannah: Okay, cool. So you guys are gonna go over to the shed?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah.
Hannah: Cool. You make your way across the moonlight grounds towards this mysterious looking shed. As you approach, you hear some concerning sounds. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Inside of the shed. And as you get closer, they seem… they seem to cease. They seem to stop really suddenly, almost like somebody heard you coming.
Sequoia: [whispering] God.
Ryan: “Well, you brought us this far here, Mooosh.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: “I suppose I did.”
Colin: “Yeah, dude, this is like, your adventure, so, like… I dunno what’s going on in there, but I’m getting seriously UNCHILL vibes coming from that shed!”
Kim: “Yeah, that was a weird noise that was just happening. Maybe this was a bad idea. Let’s just go to the forest?”
Ryan: “I’m gonna go ask my dad if he recognizes these three trees and oval?” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Okay.”
Ryan: I do that, though. I’m gonna… I’m gonna use disguise self again, and make myself look like a tiny whomping willow, and just walk over to my daddy tree.
Colin: Okay, fine.
Hannah: Okay, cool. Yeah, you guys are apparently gonna probably gonna stay over there, or are you gonna… what are you going to do?
Kim: We are NOT staying by the shed, thank you. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: That’s valid. Okay.
Sequoia: “I’m gonna go and stand a safe distance from the… the scary tree.”
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, I will as well.
Hannah: Okay, cool. So you guys wander back across the grounds towards the scary tree. Just outside of branch-reaching distance, you guys all stand, and the tree seems to be really excited to see you coming… coming back over to say hi.
Ryan: “Aw! Aw, I’m back, Dad! I’m excited to see you too!” I go give him a hug.
Hannah: He… he hugs you back with his tree arms.
Ryan: Great! I… I pull out the map and… I’m assuming I have the map with me.
Kim: Sure.
Ryan: And I say, “Peepums, have you seen these three trees?”
Hannah: [slow, deep voice] “Yeah, actually…” Oh, wait, no. This is a tree. [clears throat]
Ryan: [laughs] What voice was that?! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: That was my Dumbledore voice. You can’t really understand technically what the tree is saying, but you can sort of intuitively sense that the creaking noises that the branches are making are… are your tree dad saying, [deep, very slow rising and falling voice, used for the whomping willow throughout] “Why yes, that’s my friend, Bill. He lives over that way just a little bit. Do you want some directions?”
Ryan: “Well, yeah, that would be great! Yeah, we just… we were told to meet somebody over there and make some new friends. Yeah, how do we get there?”
Hannah: “Well, you sort of walk a fewwww minutes that way and thennn you’ll eventually come to a clearing. It’s a pretty straight shot through the trees. [everyone laughs] But you really can’t miss it. Bill’s sort of a character.” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Well, I’ll tell Bill you said hi. Thanks, PeePaw. We’ll see you later.”
Hannah: “Make sure you’re home in time for dinner.”
Ryan: “Oh, what are we having tonight?”
Hannah: “Sunlight.” [everyone laughs loudly for a long time]
Sequoia: Incredible.
Ryan: “Oh, you know that’s my favorite, Dad! That sounds great!”
Hannah: “I’m proud of you, son.”
Ryan: “Aw, thanks, Dad!”
Hannah: “Keep being a good kid.”
Ryan: “Oh, you know I will, Dad! Okay, bye!”
Hannah: “Have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Ryan: “Oh, you know it, Pops!” All right, so I go… I go…
Kim: Relay that information?
Ryan: …tell my buds all of that.
Sequoia: All of that?
Ryan: Yeah, all of it, especially the sunlight, ‘cause you guys are invited too, if you want to come to dinner.
Kim: “That’s nice that your dad’s proud of you. That’s nice.”
Colin: “Your dad seems, like, real nice.”
Kim: Okay, let’s go.
Colin: Anyway, what he’d say?
Sequoia: God damnit! All right, we go to the place.
Kim: We walk into the forest in the direction indicated, yeah.
Hannah: Yup. As you guys wander through the trees, you hear the night sounds of creatures existing in the forest. It’s a little spooky at times, not gonna lie to you. As the moonlight filters through the leaves, you eventually come to a clearing, and at the opposite end of the clearing you do in fact see three very distinct trees that are shaped specifically similar to what was listed on the map, and in the center of them is a tree that also is covered in glitter. Which you assume is Bill.
Sequoia: Oh. [laughs]
Colin: Duh.
Sequoia: Classic Bill.
Kim: “Your dad wasn’t kidding! He’s quite a character!”
Ryan: So I… I… I just looked up… disguise self lasts an hour, so I’m still in tree form, and I am going to go say hi to Bill on behalf of my dad.
Hannah: Cool! Yeah, as you walk into the clearing towards Bill, you do pass the broken and bleeding form of the person you were supposed to contact, while you’re walking over towards Bill.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus!
Ryan: Oh, I’ll just… I’ll come back to that later.
Colin: “Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh shit, man! Things just got really real!” [Kim makes indistinct noises that turn to laughter]
Ryan: “No, not really. We can leave Bill over there. [Kim screams] [everyone laughs] Oh beans!”
Colin: “Aw, heck!”
Kim: “Aw, heck!”
Sequoia: Can I go Investigate the body?
Hannah: Yeah.
Colin: “Are they still alive? Are… are you okay?”
Sequoia: I only got a nine.
Hannah: [laughs] Okay, well, you run up and are very overwhelmed by the sudden turn of events.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Hannah: But you can see, as you get closer, that the witch does seem to still be breathing. It’s very, very shallow, and her eyes look sort of glazed, but she is still… she’s only mostly dead.
Sequoia: “Does anybody… does anybody have any healing spells or is particularly good at medicine?”
Hannah: [weak voice, used for the woman throughout] “It’s… it’s okay. There’s not enough time. You’ve gotta… you’ve gotta get the information to my hat editor. [Sequoia laughs] Just take this address. There’s no time. He’s still… he’s still somewhere close by. You have to run!”
Kim: “Who did this to you?”
Hannah: As you say that, you hear maniacal laughter coming out of the trees behind you.
Ryan: Uh oh.
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: Oh shit.
Colin: “Ugh, like, shit!”
Hannah: You turn… as you presumably turn to see where the laughter is emanating from, you see a cloaked figure walking out of the line of trees. As he gets closer, he drops his hood and you recognize the stunning long eyelashes of your friend Dobby. [everyone else gasps]
Sequoia: “NO!”
Colin: [growls] “Betrayal!”
Kim: “What?!”
Ryan: “He’s so hot!”
Sequoia: “Dobby, weren’t you supposed to meet us up at Dumbledore’s office to help us get that job?”
Colin: “Yeah, we’re still waiting on those job applications, buddy.” [Hannah laughs evilly] [everyone laughs]
Hannah: [sinister voice] “You fools! I was never going to help you apply to get a position here! I don’t actually work here at all! In fact, my name isn’t even Dobby. [everyone else gasps] I am his twin brother, Dingo!” [laughs evilly] [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Aw, fuck.”
Ryan: “Aw, beans. Well. Dingo, why did you do this?”
Colin: “Dingo.”
Hannah: [sinister voice, used for Dingo throughout] “I… I had been placed here as a contact point for Lord Voldemort. I’ve slowly been infiltrating the school, getting rid of all of the other house elves, convincing them to take vacations so that I could be the only house elf, steal the diary, and keep all of the victory for myself!”
Colin: “Bogus, dude! You’re a snitch? You’re a scab? That’s worse than bogus!” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: “I’m no scab! You're the scab! You guys went over to the other side!”
Kim: “We DID do that.”
Colin: “Oh, wait.”
Sequoia: Did we get the address from the lady?
Hannah: She had been reaching out to give you an address for the hat editor…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Hannah: …and yeah, you kind of got distracted, but she’s still holding a piece of paper.
Kim: [mumbling] What do you think?
Ryan: [whispering] Not that.
Sequoia: I… can I do something?
Hannah: As you all stand looking blankly at him, Dingo zaps a spell at you.
Kim: Aw, beans! I was…
Hannah: Roll for initiative.
Sequoia: Goddamn it!
Colin: Aw, heck!
Kim: Too many spell cards.
Hannah: Okay, so the initiative for this round is going to be Dingo, LD, Karl, Floppy, and then Smooosh. What we’re gonna have happen here is that right out the gate, Dingo is going to… aka sexy Dobby, just so we’re on the same page.
Colin: Oh, okay. SD.
Hannah: Is going… is going to shoot a magic missile at the three of you that he has decided he hates the most, which is going to be LD, Karl, and Floppy.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Rude.
Hannah: As you… as you all stand confusedly, allowing this new revelation to sink into your hearts and all hopes and dreams of eventually marrying sexy Dobby and having a beautiful family with him die.
Ryan: Hey, it’s not too late.
Kim: Eh. We are gonna kill this guy.
Ryan: There’s still a chance.
Hannah: He creates… you see three glowing darts of magical force start forming inside of his hand, and he shoots one each at LD, Karl, and Floppy. And so that’s gonna do three points of damage to each of you. Darts all strike immediately and you can, yeah, it can hit all three of you.
Kim: Who’s top of the order, next?
Hannah: That is going to be LD.
Ryan: “That’s me!” Okay, I… I say…
Kim: “Light his ass up!”
Ryan: I say… I say, “I will!” I… I say to hot Dobby, “Well that smarted a little bit. That kinda hurt. Let me… let me show ya how I do that one.” And I do lightning bolt again.
Hannah: Noice!
Ryan: In his direction. So he has to do a dexterity saving throw.
Hannah: Oh, he only gets a ten there, so that hits.
Ryan: That’s thirty five damage. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Amazing.
Ryan: Ah, you should never have given me this spell. It’s too big.
Hannah: Okay, so you wave your house elf arms at him and lightning zaps… is it coming out of your fingers or out of the sky?
Ryan: Um.
Hannah: Like, are you Emperor Palpatining him, or…
Ryan: I… I am. It’s a Palpatine kind of effect, but I am dabbing a little bit as it comes out of my extended arm.
Hannah: Hmm. Nice.
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: Mid dab.
Hannah: I like that. Okay, cool! So you go in for… for a sick, sick dab and sort of generally point your elbow toward sexy Dobby, and lightning shoots out of your elbow and hits him square in the test. In the test? In the chest!
Everyone: Whoo! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: That’s some good aim!
Hannah: Zoinks!
Ryan: Right in the test!
Hannah: And he… and he growls in anger. “Grrr!”
Kim: Hmm.
Hannah: Next it is…
Ryan: Oh, can I also move a little bit? ‘Cause I… I just know that somebody’s going to do like a… a shatter or fireball or something.
Colin: Oh, hell yeah!
Kim: We should spread out?
Ryan: So I’m gonna step like… like, I dunno. My speed’s twenty five, so I guess twenty five feet to the right.
Hannah: Mhm.
Colin: All right, like, okay guys. It’s important whether he’s ten or fifteen feet away. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: He’s fifteen feet away.
Colin: Yes! Shatter! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Nice! Get him!
Colin: I choose to Shatter, aiming my Shatter right at sexy Dobby.
Hannah: Nice! Okay, cool!
Colin: Which is a sudden loud ringing noise, painfully intense, which erupts from a point of your choice within range.
Kim: Hell, yeah!
Hannah: Do I need to make a saving throw?
Colin: Bum, bum, bum, bum. Each creature in a ten foot radius must make a constitution throw.
Hannah: So that would be… twenty four.
Colin: Whoa! I mean, damn.
Ryan: Damn!
Colin: Dang, that is a high constitution!
Kim: He probably takes half damage though, right?
Colin: Yeah, he still takes half damage, which is 3d8.
Hannah: Okay, cool.
Colin: It’s ten. So that’s five damage.
Kim: Five damage?
Colin: [laughs] Shatter!
Kim: Boom!
Colin: Boom!
Hannah: You… you shoot a big boom toward him, and it goes BOOM! And he claps his hands over his ears and goes argghhhhh! Bababahhh! And it seems to hurt really bad. It’s decidedly not a vibe. [everyone laughs] Next, it is going to be Floppy’s turn!
Sequoia: Sweetness. Yeah. I’m gonna send a firebolt at him.
Hannah: Noice.
Sequoia: Fifteen.
Hannah: Awesome. So that hits him squarely in the chest.
Sequoia: Great.
Hannah: The blazing ball of fire.
Sequoia: Okay, that’s gonna do five.
Hannah: He… you sort of, like, singe his super cool cloak that he’s wearing.
Ryan: [whispering] Oh, so cool!
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: And he… he pats a little bit, but now it’s like burnt on the edges. He looks even cooler than he did before. He’s kinda hot. He’s sort of used to it. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Rude. Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Hannah: Smooosh.
Kim: Yes! I’m gonna cast suggestion.
Hannah: Sure, let’s do that.
Kim: And I’m gonna yell at hot Dobby. I’m gonna say, “We don’t have to fight, hot Dingo! We could all seize the magical means of production, overthrow our wizard terrorizers, and move to America and get hot together!” [everyone laughs] And he needs to succeed on a wisdom save against a wpell save of twenty. Twelve, sorry.
Ryan: Twenty?
Hannah: Spell save of Twenty? I was like, wowie zowie!
Kim: Twelve.
Hannah: Okay, that is gonna be… you said wisdom, right?
Kim: Yup.
Hannah: An eighteen. What did I have to go against?
Kim: Twelve.
Hannah: Sorry. Not sorry!
Kim: Okay, I’m also going to run away from the opposite direction that Long Derek ran and as far as I can go as well. Spread us out.
Hannah: Nice. So that is going to be… as you run away, it is now going to be sexy Dobby’s turn. AKA Dingo. And so he is going to… let’s see here. Karl is about… Karl, did you move at the end of your turn?
Colin: Did not move.
Hannah: Noice, okay.
Colin: So I’m fifteen feet away.
Hannah: Cool. So he’s going to point his finger at you, and angrily cast a spell in your direction.
Colin: “Aw, beans!”
Hannah: And I’m gonna need you to make a wisdom saving throw.
Colin: [singing] Wisdom saving throw, wisdom saving throw. That’s an eight.
Hannah: So unfortunately you’re so distracted by his beauty…
Colin: He’s so hot!
Hannah: …that the spell overwhelms you and you DO turn into a pineapple.
Colin: Oh no! Oh no!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Oh god!
Ryan: Wow!
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Colin: “Oh, bro! Oh, bro, this is entirely and one hundred percent whack! I’m a pineapple!”
Hannah: You have been turned into a pineapple.
Colin: “Don’t snack on me friends, please! Pineapple!”
Kim: Oh no.
Colin: [laughs at length] Somebody pick me up! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Do you take on the stats of a pineapple, though?
Hannah: Let’s see here. Yes. Yes, you take on the stats of a pineapple.
Kim: What ARE the stats of a pineapple?
Ryan: Not great.
Hannah: That’s a solid question.
Colin: I have spiney skin.
Hannah: Mhm. Natural armor.
Colin: Yeah, natural armor, and sweet juice!
Hannah: Tasty. You’re a strong pineapple, you have fifteen hit points.
Colin: Okay. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. Is it Long Derek’s turn?
Hannah: It is in fact Long Derek’s turn.
Sequoia: Long Derek is the only one of us that can do ANYTHING right now!
Kim: We’re trying things! I’m making moves!
Ryan: I’m… I’m gonna… I’m gonna keep doing what seems to be working. So I’m gonna spend four sorcerer points and get a third level spell spot, and then I’m gonna do my one thing. Lightning bolt! So yeah, let’s do that process again. He has to roll a dexterity saving throw.
Hannah: So he’s rolling very well today. He got a nineteen.
Sequoia: Aw, shit!
Ryan: Okay, so he takes half damage, though. That is gonna be thirty, actually, so fifteen total is what he’ll take.
Hannah: Awesome!
Ryan: And then I’m just gonna chill here.
Hannah: Are you… are you shooting the lightning at him via dabs again?
Ryan: Yeah, I’ll dab this one out.
Hannah: Cool! Cool. So you dab, dab some dabs, and this time you shoot it out of the opposite elbow towards him, and it hits him like right where… right in between his eyeballs. Like, right… right in the forehead.
Ryan: Yeah!
Hannah: And he sorta looks… he sorta looks a little dizzy. He did not like that at all.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: Decidedly not a vibe.
Ryan: Well good, he gets no vibes.
Hannah: Karl.
Kim: Is a pineapple.
Colin: I’m a pineapple. I’m gonna try to roll as far as I can. [everyone laughs] How far can a pineapple roll of its own volition?
Kim: Roll into the trees!
Colin: Rolling away!
Hannah: I’ll… I’ll let you roll… I’ll let you roll a foot in a six second period. You’re a speedy pineapple.
Colin: [laughs] Okay. I do that. “I’m shredding the ground now, guys! I’m really shredding as a pineapple!”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: You get a foot away from where you were before. You are now sixteen feet away. Congratulations.
Kim: Aw, man.
Ryan: “Keep it up, Karl!”
Colin: “Don’t let him eat me!”
Ryan: “Karl, there’s a bug on you!”
Colin: “Get it off, man! Get it off of me!”
Hannah: Next it is Floppy’s turn.
Sequoia: I know. I’m not a good fighter! [Kim laughs]
Hannah: It’s okay, Floppy, do your very best. Says sexy Dobby.
Sequoia: I’m gonna do the same thing again. [dice roll] Oh, thank god! Twenty three!
Hannah: Nice! That was really good.
Sequoia: Here we go. Twelve.
Hannah: Cool! So you shoot some fire and you sort of clip him in his like really, really sexy house elf ear. And he has some hairs coming out of it, and those are all singed off now, and he is… he is looking kind of ragged.
Sequoia: Oh my god. How strong is he? Okay, great.
Kim: Cool.
Hannah: Next it is going to be Smooosh’s turn.
Kim: Okay, I’m gonna run AT hot Dingo so that I’m within a fifteen feet cube of him and not anyone else?
Hannah: [laughs] Okay, cool.
Kim: Do you think that’s reasonable?
Hannah: Yeah, I’ll let that happen.
Kim: ‘Kay, then I’m gonna cast thunderwave as a third level spell.
Ryan: Yeah, bud!
Hannah: Nice! Do it.
Kim: So he’s got to make a constitution saving throw.
Hannah: He did really bad on that one. He only got a ten.
Kim: Yeah, he failed!
Sequoia: Yay!
Kim: So that’s gonna be 4d8. Twenty damage. And he gets pushed ten feet away from me.
Ryan: Yay!
Hannah: So he goes flying backwards and thumps against one of the tree trunks, and as he slides down, you can see the wind is knocked out of him, and he’s started to bleed in a lot of different places. He’s like, he’s looking PRETTY gnarly. It’s gross.
Kim: “I didn’t want to fight you, hot Dingo!”
Hannah: Roll persuasion.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Hannah: If you want to try to…
Ryan: “It wasn’t supposed to be like this!”
Kim: He’s just yelling just to yell. That was a fifteen.
Hannah: Oh. Oh, okay. He… he… he… he’s feeling some regret inside of his heart. [everyone laughs] You can see it flash across his face suddenly.
Kim: Cool.
Hannah: Next it is going to be sexy Dobby AKA Dingo’s turn. And he is going to like sort of pat himself on the face, and suddenly disappear.
Sequoia: What?!
Colin: What?
Sequoia: Okay?
Hannah: Next it is LD’s turn. Do you guys want to do anything? Or what are you going to do?
Ryan: Let me do a spell. I think I’d like to do some magic please?
Hannah: Yeah, that’s chill.
Colin: Can somebody, like, pick me up and put me in a basket or backpack or something?
Kim: Who’s… I think… I think Floppy is closest to you.
Sequoia: I am closest.
Kim: Is the pineapple spell a concentration spell?
Hannah: Yes it is! So actually, as Dobby disappears, Karl suddenly snaps back into his own form.
Colin: Aw, Karl emerges from his cocoon!
Kim: Karl…
Colin: And instead of what he was wearing before…
Ryan: [laughs] His beautiful threads.
Colin: …now Karl is wearing skinny jeans and a band t-shirt with an unintelligible band name on it, and he has swoopy hair. [everyone laughs] He’s transformed!
Kim: The pineapple experience?
Hannah: Yeah, how has this changed you, Karl?
Colin: I’ve seen so much, when I was the pineapple. It changed my perspective on everything.
Ryan: I figured out what I want to do.
Kim: Excellent.
Hannah: What would you like to do, Long Derek?
Ryan: So I’m going to walk over to where Dingo was last spotted.
Kim: Mhm.
Ryan: And I’m gonna cast burning hands, which is a… a fifteen foot cone of fire shoots out my fingers, and I’m just gonna try to cover, like, the… the sort of space where he was and right around that to see if anything invisible happens to burst into flame. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Solid.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Hannah: Nice, I like that. That’s good. Okay! So this is a fifteen foot cone, you said?
Ryan: Mhm. So technically he has to make a dexterity saving throw, and…
Kim: If you hit him.
Ryan: Yeah, he takes some damage. I mean, IF he’s in that cone. But really, I… I picture this as being more of a subjective like, DM discretion kind of thing. Like, if he’s invisible and he’s in that cone, can we see him? You know, the fire, like, hitting him?
Hannah: Presumably if he had been in that cone you would have been able to see him, yes.
Ryan: Ah. So he’s not?
Hannah: You shoot… you shoot him. You shoot towards where he was, and there doesn’t seem to be anything else there, although the tree does catch on fire that he had been leaning against.
Ryan: That wasn’t Bill, was it?
Hannah: No, it was not Bill.
Colin: Steve?
Ryan: Okay, I still feel bad, but at least it wasn’t Bill.
Hannah: I think it was probably one of Bill’s friends, so that’s… probably not chill, but…
Kim: Not chill.
Ryan: Sorry, Bill.
Hannah: Next it’s going to be Karl’s turn.
Colin: Oh no. [serious voice] “Being the pineapple has changed me! [everyone laughs] I’ve seen so much. Things have gotten… different. Gotten darker.” [usual Karl surfer voice] “No, no. It’s still me, Karl! What happened? What happened, guys? Where did hot Dobby go?”
Kim: “We really don’t know.”
Colin: “Are we still… all right.”
Sequoia: “Yeah, we don’t know.”
Colin: “Okay.”
Kim: “He wasn’t in that cone.”
Colin: “He wasn’t in the cone.”
Kim: “Presumably.”
Colin: Hmm. I guess I’ll use my turn to investigate and look for footprints walking away.
Hannah: Roll for investigation.
Colin: Yeah, I don’t have very good investigation, but we’ll see what happens! [dice roll] Hey! Sixteen plus three is nineteen!
Sequoia: Nice!
Hannah: Oh, that’s very good!
Kim: Yeah!
Hannah: Okay, so you wander back over towards the burning tree where your friends shot a burst of fiery energy. And you can see approximately house elf sized footprints moving over about twenty five feet to the left…
Colin: Hmm.
Hannah: …of where he had been.
Colin: “Guys, I think I’ve found… I think I’ve found his trail!”
Hannah: We’re going to say that that took up your movement though, to go over there, and then we’re going to move over to Floppy.
Colin: Yeah, okay.
Kim: “Kill him! [everyone laughs] Fuck his shit up!”
Sequoia: I mean, I guess I’ll just… I really… I only have one fighting spell.
Kim: [snorts] What is your spell list?!
Sequoia: I’ll just do that again. [dice rolls] No, or I won’t. I got a ten.
Hannah: Yeah, so you shoot some fire presumably over in the general direction that Karl pointed, and it doesn’t seem to hit anything.
Sequoia: Yup. Sounds right.
Hannah: It is now Smooosh’s turn.
Kim: So Karl pointed out approximately where the footprints were leading, right?
Hannah: Mhm.
Kim: Yup, okay. I’m gonna shoot burning hands at the general area that Karl pointed at. It’s a dex save.
Hannah: ‘Kay.
Kim: And I’m gonna… I’m gonna cast that as a second level spell.
Hannah: Awesome. So he just crit failed that.
Ryan: Yay!
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Yes!
Hannah: So tell me, how do you want to do this?
Kim: Oh shit!
Colin: How do you wanna roast an elf alive?
Kim: Okay. I’m sobbing a little bit. “I know I said fuck his shit up, but I didn’t want to do it like this!” And then I DO shoot a lot of fire out. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] “We were supposed to move to America!”
Hannah: Amazing. So as the… as the fire and sorrow emanate from your body and roast the love of your life, he sort of like, very suddenly, becomes visible again, and you can see him reach out towards you and say, “Smooosh!” Then he dies!
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: That was really sad.
Hannah: You did it! Yay!
Colin: Yeah, that was, like, traumatizing!
Ryan: Says the man who was a pineapple for a minute. That… that must leave some scars.
Colin: I was traumatized, but I also have… I’ve gained a, like, new perspective on things. And also, I think I can talk to plants. Hold on, let me check. Nope. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, well, I’m gonna go over and get that address from the lady who’s probably dead now.
Hannah: Yeah, you walk over there. She’s def totes dead.
Colin: She’s a little toasted! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Whoops.
Kim: We did set this entire clearing on fire.
Ryan: Kinda hit it with lightning too.
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: Twice.
Kim: Whoops.
Hannah: She’s super dead. You… you can see that she has some glasses and some blonde hair, and…
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: …if you… if you weren’t, you know, house elves who presumably don’t read the news, you would maybe recognize her as Rita Skeeter.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: But you don’t, because you're house elves. And you can see that she does have an address, a piece of paper in her hand, which you conveniently recognize as being the offices of the Daily Prophet.
Sequoia and Kim: Oh.
Colin: Oh, like…
Hannah: You’ve hypothetically been there before.
Colin: I was an intern there, so like, I can picture it perfectly. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: How convenient.
Hannah: Very convenient.
Sequoia: Excellent. We all apparate to the Daily Prophet.
Colin: We do that.
Hannah: Cool! You…
Kim: We side along apparate. Karl takes us with him.
Hannah: Awesome. With a loud CRACK, you suddenly appear at the location you were given by the now dead reporter. It appears to be a large newsroom that you’ve popped into. You can see a small wizard wearing a hat standing in the center of the room as if he was waiting for someone. He turns toward you as you approach, and you do see that his hat says hat editor.
Kim: Mhm. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Hannah: [squeaky voice, used for the hat editor throughout] “who are you? Where’s Rita?”
Colin: “Mr. Hat Editor. Mr. Hat Editor, you’ve gotta like, stop the presses.”
Hannah: “Stop the presses? What for?”
Colin: “Stop ‘em! Stop ‘em!”
Kim: “We got an important story!”
Hannah: “Wowie zowie, what’s the story?!”
Kim: “For you!”
Hannah: “Oh, for me? Wow!”
Kim: “We’re gonna read you some poetry!”
Colin: “It’s some bad poetry.”
Ryan: “It’s a real big scoop!”
Colin: “By none other than, like, Lord Voldemort himself. The big, bad dude.”
Hannah: “Lord Voldemort writes poetry? This is gonna be front page news!”
Colin: “That’s why you have to stop the press.”
Hannah: “Stop the presses!”
Sequoia: And then I… I hand the…
Kim: You have to read it to him.
Colin: Read it.
Sequoia: Oh, I have to read it to him.
Colin: Yeah, you do.
Sequoia: I proceed to read the entirety of Voldemort’s diary to the… to the hat editor.
Hannah: Amazing.
Colin: We all sit down…
Hannah: He… he…
Colin: Sorry, we all sit down with glasses of brandy in our hand as she regales us with tales of Lord Voldemort’s youth.
Hannah: “Wowie zowie, that was quite the trip! The folks are really gonna love to hear this one. Thank you. Thank you for your services towards the magical… magical world’s fight against evil.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Very well put, Mr. Hat Editor, sir!
Hannah: “Thank you, I am a writer!” As he… as he thanks you for your help, Dumbledore suddenly appears, with Harry, and his swords! He comes up to you and says, “Thank you so much for your help.” [nasal Harry voice] “Yeah, thanks!” “We would like to give you this recipe, and also a whole bunch of shot glasses full of freedom juice, as a thank you for your service. Es.”
Kim: Hell yeah, we shoot em!
Sequoia: Thank you!
Colin: Yeah, we shoot em! [laughter]
Hannah: “Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!” Harry chants in the background.
Kim: What’s the one that you like to do, Colin?
Kim and Ryan: Ticky tacky, ticky tacky, oi, oi, oi!
Colin: Ticky tacky, ticky tacky, oi, oi, oi!
Kim: And we shoot them.
Hannah: Shoot your freedom juice, and each of you goes through a magnificent magical girl transformation. Would you like to describe your magical girl transformation?
Colin: Yes. As you know, Karl has already gone through one transformation, which was more of a metamorphosis, so he lifts off the ground kind of cruciform, and beams of light come… come down from the ceiling as he rotates slowly, and you can see his hair getting longer and swooshier, and a V starting at the top of his tight band t-shirt is going down really, really low. And at the same time, his wallet chain is growing, like, unfathomably long, and the wrist band sweatbands are just like going up his arms as he’s transforming. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Beautiful.
Kim: Yeah, that was good.
Hannah: Beautiful.
Colin: And then he slowly goes back to the ground. Yes.
Hannah: Smooosh, how do you transform?
Kim: Smooosh has had a bit of a rough ride, recently, having to fight when she’d rather not, so it’s kind of a tearful transformation. And the tears flow out and become a sparkly tiara, and…
Hannah: Amazing.
Kim: …a… a cape. Of freedom. A freedom cape. And freedom.
Hannah: Woah, and freedom. It sounds stunning. I’m really happy for you. Long Derek? How do you transform?
Ryan: Very much like Karl’s, you know, beam of light, and… and kind of singing chorus of angels kind of thing, except the denim overalls just grow and become a single piece of, one piece denim suit.
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: Other than that, nothing… nothing changes. [everyone laughs] That’s all.
Hannah: That’s beautiful. You guys all land gracefully around your friend Floppy, and you now are all… you all have a glittering aura of freedom around you.
Colin: Ah.
Hannah: And as you pocket the recipe for the freedom juice, you feel a warmth inside of your heart and a pride inside of your heart, knowing that soon all house elves will also be sparkly and free.
Colin: Hell, yeah.
Hannah: The end!
Ryan: We did it!
Colin: We did it.
Sequoia: Woo hoo!
Hannah: You did it. Nice.
Kim: Thank you so much, Hannah!
Colin: Thank you, Hannah!
Hannah: Thank YOU!
Kim: That was so silly.
Ryan: That was v good.
Colin: That was very fun.
Kim: My goodness.
Hannah: I’m glad you guys liked it.
Colin: I love a heist with a twist.
Kim: Yeah!
Colin: Yeah!
Ryan: I liked the part where I reunited with my tree dad.
Kim: Shit. I can’t…
Ryan: That was essential to the story.
Kim: Oh, man!
Sequoia: Didn’t see the twist coming. That big twist.
Kim: Yeah, we didn’t see it.
Colin: Nope.
Kim: Dingo…
Sequoia: How dare you?
Hannah: Yeah, he was… he was Dobby’s evil twin brother all along. His hotter, evil twin brother.
Ryan: He was so hot!
Kim: Rude.
Colin: The hot ones are always eviller. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: It’s true. I am both hot and evil, I can confirm.
Kim: Yeah! All right, thank you also to Ryan and Colin for hanging out with us, this has been so much fun.
Colin: Yeah, you’re very welcome. This was a ton of fun.
Ryan: Thanks for having me on your pod! It was fun!
Kim: Thanks also to all of you. It’s been a wild three years, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Whoo! Three years, buddy. Thanks to everyone who listens to this podcast, who tells their friends, their family, strangers on planes, their Uber passengers about the podcast to help us continue growing. And to everyone who supports us by being a member of the Patreon or buying our merch.
Kim: Yeah. It’s been an incredible three years. I really didn’t ever think we were going to be here. So thank you so much everyone.
Sequoia: And here we are.
Kim: And yet, here we are!
Sequoia: Yet!
Kim: All right, so all of the supplemental materials for this awesome episode, the character sheets… Hannah made a lot of other character sheets and I’m so excited to a) see them myself, and b) show them to all of you. Those will be…
Sequoia: The sexy Dobby character sheet.
Kim: Fuck, man. Those will all be on our website.
Sequoia: Yes. Please do go and read Voldemort’s secret diary.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Hannah wrote a WHOLE secret… like, it’s…
Kim: It’s very long, and very weird, and very good. Oh my goodness gracious.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s so good.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So that will be… there will be a link in the description. Please go look at that supplemental material.
Kim: Yeah, and also on our website, fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our story submission form. As we go back into our regular format, send us some of that…
Kim: Our what? Our who?
Sequoia: You know, when we read fanfiction on the Harry Potter fanfiction podcast?
Kim: That doesn’t sound like a format that would…
Sequoia: [laughs] Goddamn it. Send us some stuff.
Kim: Send us… yup. Also on our website there are links to our TeePublic where we’ve got all kinds of weird ass merch, and we’ve got some merch on our website as well. That’s where the pre-orders for the zine are going to be going up, notably.
Sequoia: Yes. If you want to follow us to know when the pre-orders of Yes!! Glitter!!! go up, you should be following us on social media. We are on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Got any longer thoughts, submissions for any of our segments? Send us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you want to support this podcast, you can leave us a review on iTunes. Or Facebook. We like them.
Kim: Or tell everyone.
Sequoia: Trick!
Kim: Trick everyone into thinking this is a DND podcast. No, don’t do that, that’s a bad idea.
Sequoia: Don’t do that! They’ll listen to that and be like, they don’t know what they’re doing. This is not a DND podcast.
Kim: Why are they so bad at this? [both laugh]
Sequoia: If you… also you can support us on Patreon by becoming one of our Patreon members, and we just redid those tiers as we told you up top, so come by, see what that’s all about. Come be a part of our Discord, where some writing competitions and superfluous weird stuff is happening.
Kim: Hell, yeah! Thanks again to all of you, and thanks as well to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Both: BYE!