Episode 80: One Fine Morning
It’s time.
Recommendation: Like Water for Squid Meat
https://archiveofourown.org/works/54222
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Belinda
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: I can only hear you in my left ear.
Kim: I don’t know that I can do anything about that.
Sequoia: That’s a lie. I can just hear you more in my left ear.
Kim: Louder? Louder in your left ear?
Sequoia: That may be more of a hearing problem that I’m having right now or something. I don’t know. I’m falling apart. Okay. Let’s try that again. Can we…
Kim: No, that sounded good, actually. I like that as the cold open.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay. Sure.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start to confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Welcome to the podcast. We just recently hit half a million downloads [Kim blows a raspberry] on this fucking [laughing] Harry Potter fanfiction podcast. Excuse me?
Kim: We have like a million episodes, sooooooo maybe that’s not so impressive?
Sequoia: I mean, this is only episode eighty. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s a million episodes.
Sequoia: That’s a million… we haven’t hit a hundred episodes yet. We have some Yes!! Glitter!!! updates, because apparently we haven’t done that yet.
Kim: Yeah. Any Yes!! Glitter!!! updates. We have not done one yet.
Sequoia: I keep getting so confused about, like, what things that we’ve said to each other and what things we’ve said to…
Kim: Anyone else.
Sequoia: …the listeners on an episode. [both laugh] We did that same thing on our Patreon livestream today, where I was like, you know that thing I said? Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: We’re having enough problems just coordinating between the two of us on anything at this point. [both laugh] The Yes!! Glitter!!! update is that we are going through the over one hundred submissions that we got. We got…
Sequoia: Hot damn, y’all.
Kim: …so many submissions. Several… most of them have more than one thing in each submission.
Sequoia: There’s a lot to go through.
Kim: So we’re going through the submissions right now. Actually, hopefully by this episode’s release date, we’ll be done with that portion, because we are planning to have this thing done by our anniversary.
Sequoia: Yeah. Like planning on having it in the mail come… on its way to you by July thirty first. We’ll let you know if that…
Kim: When that slips.
Sequoia: …changes. [both laugh] Yeah. When we realize that we’ve done something insane.
Kim: Yikes, yikes, yikes.
Sequoia: As we do all the time. You know.
Kim: It’s fine. What’s el… what else? We had another announcement. Make it. Make the other announcement.
Sequoia: I will make the other announcement. The other announcement is that we’re doing the fucking survey again, y’all! [both laugh]
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: I mean, here’s the thing, is I just wanna like… I know that we have listener… more listeners than when we last did the survey.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For sure. We have a bunch of listeners and I don’t know what your house is. I don’t know how you found the podcast. I don’t know what your favorite Drarry ship is.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And I think this is all very important information for us to have.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So that we can get to know to you a little bit better. Get you… get you the stuff you want, you know?
Kim: Are we going to have the what’s the distillation of your soul question again?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes! Of course. That’s a staple of the survey, my dude.
Kim: All right. So look out for 2 sur 2 vey coming at you soon.
Sequoia: Goddamn it! [laughs] I was hoping that you weren’t actually going to do that actually on the pod, that that was just a pre pod discussion joke. But apparently…
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: …that was too much to hope for.
Kim: I don’t… I don’t preplan bits. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We had a… we had a really fun tweet come through recently.
Kim: [laughs] I’m very self conscious about it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Somebody tweeted at us and was like, you know, Kim laughs like my grandma.
Kim: [laughs] I don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m not entirely sure whether… like, how you should feel about that. I think you should feel, like, flattered, honestly.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I did like your reply to the tweet, though.
Kim: Yeah. The reply is that, yes, I am literally your grandma.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man.
Kim: I’m everyone’s grandma now.
Sequoia: That’s a lot.
Kim: Speaking of Twitter, you ran a Twitter poll recently.
Sequoia: Oh, I did! It was, you know, you said we should put a Twitter poll up, wanna know what the Draco/Cho ship name really is. Where do people fall on this? I listed Dro.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Dracho.
Kim: Uh huh. You had one more in there. What was that?
Sequoia: Chaco. [both laugh] Just ‘cause it was so funny.
Kim: Chaco did not win. Dracho was the obvious winner because it’s the stupidest. [Sequioa laughs] I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They’re all really stupid.
Sequoia: Yeah. There… there was… some people in the comments were saying that I should have put Choco on there as well.
Kim: That’s also horrible and I like it.
Sequoia: Which is also really bad and bad.
Kim: Those are all really grim to say out loud.
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t… I mean, I agree with the results though, ultimately.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I do believe that Dracho is the clear superior ship name.
Kim: Yeah, it’s got… it’s got all of Cho’s name in it, which is nice. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So now… so now…
Kim: I didn’t think this was ever going to happen on this podcast.
Sequoia: This is an…
Kim: Ad break!
Sequoia: Oooh, here we go. It’s our first and maybe… maybe only. [laughs]
Kim: Almost certainly only, after the rest of the content of this episode.
Sequoia: Oh good. I’m glad we’re putting this on a good one. This is an ad… is an ad break, where we are going to do an ad for Hank Green’s new book, A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor.
Kim: The Library Journal review says that, “throughout this adventurous, witty, and compelling novel, Green delivers sharp social commentary on the power of social media and both the benefits and horrendous consequences that follow when we give too much of ourselves to technology.” I’m so excited. I don’t think we would’ve done this ad if not for the fact that we are both so fucking excited for this book that I think I am not going to be able to contain myself for the next little bit until it comes out.
Sequoia: We… so I have the first book. This is the sequel.
Kim: Yeah. This is the sequel and the conclusion. So this is a two part series. The first book’s called An Absolutely Remarkable Thing and holy shit it’s so good.
Sequoia: I have two copies of An Absolutely Remarkable Thing and are just, like, I read it and then I was like, all right, every single person that I know has to read this, and just started farming out my two copies to everyone…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: …who would, like, look me in the eyes. I would put the book in their hands and then sort of run away.
Kim: I was one of the people that got that treatment, and I also absolutely love that book. That book is so good. It’s some really cool, like, now sci-fi, and it’s got some really… I think some really good things to say about kind of like where we’re at in like social media and discourse and… man that book’s just so good.
Sequoia: You’re like, I’m reading a sci-fi book, but I’m also, like, thinking a lot about the state of our relationship with the internet.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah. So this is the second book. Of course, if you haven’t read the first book, go read the first book.
Kim: Read it real fast because A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor comes out tomorrow!
Sequoia: Tomorrow!
Kim: As of the release of this episode. July seventh is when that book drops on maybe someone’s porch. I didn’t pre order two copies. [Sequoia laughs] It’s fine.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm. Thank you. [Kim laughs] Yeah, it’s going to be releasing… you can get it as an ebook. You can get it as a physical book.
Kim: Anywhere books, ebooks, audiobooks are sold.
Sequoia: Also the… the main character is a queer person.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which I think will… our listeners would really like, so…
Kim: Yeah. She’s got that big disaster bi energy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. [both laugh] That book is so good. I’m so excited for the sequel. Everybody should go check it out.
Kim: So there you go. Our very first and probably only ad.
Sequoia: [laughing] We did it! [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid. Do you wanna do… now that we’re done with that… [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh fuck. [laughs] Now we gotta get into whatever you brought me, that you’ve been freaking out about ever since… we’ve been… we’ve been doing podcast stuff already today for like three and a half hours or something like that and you’ve been…
Kim: I’ve been excited to read this to you for weeks. Don’t lie.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: I found this and I was like… it was like a weight off of my chest. I was like, hell yes! I am soooo excited to read THIS.
Sequoia: All right. Let’s do it, man. Let’s do it.
Kim: This story is called One Fine Morning. It came out post Half Blood Prince and the genre is romance. Romance!
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Okay. Great. Post Half Blood Prince. Okay.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: This gives me fucking nothing, my dude. [laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: The main character of this story is Lavender Brown.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: My second prediction is that this is a rekindled romance. So this is a couple that has already been together in canon and broke up and this is them getting back together.
Kim: Okayyy.
Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Kay.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [chuckles] And there will be a declaration of love by the lake.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. There we go.
Kim: Okay. All right!
Sequoia: Okay. All right.
Kim: Here we go. One…
Sequoia: I hate you already.
Kim: …Fine Morning. It wasn’t a dark and stormy night. In fact, it was a beautiful, bright, summer morning.
Sequoia: Great. It was one fine morning and…
Kim: It was one fine morning. [laughs]
Sequoia: I’m glad that we… I’m glad that we have reinforced the title here. Okay.
Kim: It’s a really nice day!
Sequoia: I opened up One Fine Morning and I was like, this isn’t a dark and dreary evening?
Kim: I don’t… I don’t know why…
Sequoia: Oh damn.
Kim: It’s fine. I don’t… you know, it’s fine. Why do so many fanfictions feel like they have to start by describing like… like, zoomed out, the kind of day that is happening?
Sequoia: Because that’s like a… like a literary device, right? You go…
Kim: Trope. Yeah. I realize it, but it’s really not being utilised in fanfiction as such.
Sequoia: Yeah.
KIm: It’s, like, there like perfunctorily. Is that a word? Uh oh.
Sequoia: It’s about how you start a story.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You gotta start it somewhere. So they’re starting it with what’s the weather today?
Kim: I like the ones that start in the middle of the thought and the thought is Harry and Draco are making out. What? Ummm… [both laugh] There wasn’t a storm…
Sequoia: Great. No storm.
Kim: …but there was indeed a bit of wind, driving small waves over the lake. Except for the quiet hum of the wind, it was absolutely silent. There wasn’t a single living creature in sight anywhere on the Hogwarts grounds.
Sequoia: Mmmm.
Kim: Then a single figure could be seen standing by the lake. The wind caught…
Sequoia: Ooh, the lake!
Kim: Yeah. We’re by the lake.
Sequoia: [laughing] What?
Kim: There’s a lake in this story.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The wind caught a few locks of midnight black hair, throwing them in the air…
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh fuck, yeah!
Kim: …and threw back the cloak that seemed far too heavy to be worn on such a warm day.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: However, the figure did not notice or acknowledge this. Instead he (for it was the figure of a man) raised his head, and let out a shout, or rather, it sounded like a series of waves crashing against the shore.
Sequoia: What? A human made wave noises? Wait. [laughs]
Kim: Yep. He’s making some wave noises.
Sequoia: It sounds like it’s Snape, from what your description is doing. Maybe?
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: I’m very confused by human making wave noises.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But I suppose we are in a magical realm here.
Kim: Fine. Yeah it's maaagiiic. Maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe? Is waves crashing against the shore like a squid mating call? Is this Severus Snape/the giant squid? [laughs] What’s going on? Why do you have that look on your face?
Kim: [sounding choked] I don’t know!
Sequoia: What the shit?!
Kim: Then he looked over to the lake as if waiting for something.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: And then he saw that something.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god! Did I seriously…? Did I really? Did I really? That was a joke! [Kim laughs] That was a joke!
Kim: IT’S SQUID MONTH BABYYYY! [both laugh hysterically]
Sequoia: OH MY GOD!
Kim: We’re back! [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: Fuck. I guess we’re doing squid month again, you guys.
Kim: The listeners fucking demanded it! Have you seen any of our channels of communication with them?
Sequoia: It’s true. They do demand squid month. I wasn’t sure if we were gonna… if we were gonna do squid month in the same month again or if we were going to switch it up, surprise them with squid month November, you know? But I see. I see. I see that we’re doing squid month now, and I cannot believe that I just guessed that.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah, I don’t know…
Sequoia: Because that was supposed to be a real stupid joke. [both laugh] Oh my god!
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: There’s a man standing by the lake. He made some lake noises [Sequoia laughs] and he’s waiting for something. And he saw that something.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: One by one, several tentacles rose from the lake, and at last…
Sequoia: [still laughing] Several… they just keep going.
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: There’s like a hundred of them.
Kim: Some. Some tentacles. I don’t know how many tentacles squids have. It doesn’t matter. There’s some.
Sequoia: I’m not a squid biologist!
Kim: And I would never claim to be.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man!
Kim: And at last the massive head. Approaching the shore, the giant squid made his way through the water.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Of course, his name wasn’t really the giant squid. That was only what he had been…
Sequoia: Of course not. Of course it’s not.
Kim: It’s Estella. No, it’s not Estella today. [Sequoia laughs] That was only what he had been dubbed by several generations of students, which the creature himself thought to be very rude. After all, he didn’t call them all Human, now did he?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Nobody’s…
Sequoia: He calls them all by their proper names.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: When discussing them with his lover, Severus Snape. Also, here’s the thing. [laughs]
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: How… I mean, how are they supposed to know what your name is if you don’t tell them what your name is?
Kim: He’s probably told them in squid.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: It’s not his fault they don’t understand and have never tried to.
Sequoia: That’s true. That’s very true. That’s very true. Honestly? Okay. I’m behind it. Rude. That’s rude.
Kim: That’s rude. That’s rude.
Sequoia: What’s his name? What’s its name?
Kim: Not that they’d known, of course; very few understood what he said, since speak he did at times, but only to those selected few who could actually understand his words.
Sequoia: Ohhhhhh. Okay. Gotcha.
Kim: [pause] Oh right. I have a… I have a voice, don’t I? [long slow drawl with a nasal inflection, used for Snape throughout] “Good afternoon, Adam.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: The squid’s name is Adam?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Man, that’s kind of milk toast, dude!
Kim: Yeah. That’s a big let down.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I was let down when I read that. I was like, oh, the squid’s got a name and we don’t know it. What is it? Adam? Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Fine.
Kim: I guess that’s fine.
Sequoia: Sure. [laughs] Was looking for something a little bit more, I don’t know, fantastical.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Possibly, like, several names.
Kim: Mmmm.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Not necessarily something so short.
Kim: It’s possible that it just doesn’t really translate.
Sequoia: Oh, so he thinks it’s Adam and really it’s like…
Kim: Slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right. That! Thank you! [laughs]
Kim: Said the figure by the lake, reaching out a hand to softly caress the sleek surface of one tentacle.
Sequoia: Oh jeez. Okay. All right. Sure.
Kim: The long appendage was then wrapped around a slim waist.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Now, wait a second. I’m actually going to scroll back up here and reassure you with something.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This fanfic is rated T for teen.
Sequoia: That doesn’t reassure me at all! About anything.
Kim: It’s not… it’s not explicit. Probably.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Unless they have a vast misunderstanding of what T for teen means.
Sequoia: [laughs] I mean, all fanfiction writers had a vast misunderstanding of what T for teen means!
Kim: Of what any of the ratings meant. This one’s rated M and it’s got like one fuck word in it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I like that it was like… I was reading through some 2001 stuff the other day.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And it was just like, PG13 for theme. And then you’d be like, the theme is romance. [laughs] There’s nothing. There’s nothing… there’s nothing about… what do you mean? [Kim laughs] Gotta be PG13 if they’re going to make eyes at each other from across the room.
Kim: None of us knew anything! We were so young!
Sequoia: They’re holding hands. PG13!
Kim: T for teens.
Sequoia: T for teen! [laughs]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Okay. Fine. There’s a tentacle wrapped around a small waist.
Kim: Yep. However, the man didn’t even bat an eyelid as he was gently, carefully, lifted into the air and carried close to the large head.
Sequoia: Are they going to make out?
Kim: “Why, good afternoon to you, too, Cain,” Adam replied.
Sequoia: Wait, what is happening?
Kim: Of course, Cain wasn’t the man’s true name. However, it was what Adam usually called him. A nickname of sorts. Now, Sequoia, I absolutely cannot parse or unpack this, and I was hoping you could help me.
Sequoia: Uhhhhhhh. Okay.
Kim: I don't understand.
Sequoia: As in… [pause] wait.
Kim: Cain.
Sequoia: Cain.
Kim: Right. The squid’s name is Adam and the squid calls Snape Cain. And I don’t know why.
Sequoia: Those are both biblical names?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Um. And I would love to help you out.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But… [both laugh]
Kim: Do you also…
Sequoia: …that would require me knowing anything about the bible.
Kim: Cain is Adam’s… it was… you know, Cain and Abel. I think they were Adam and Eve’s children. Right?
Sequoia: I don’t know, dude.
Kim: So that makes this fucking weird.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Friend.
Sequoia: This is very strange. Unless…
Kim: What a weird nickname.
Sequoia: Citizen Kane?
Kim: Citizen Kane! [both laugh] It’s also… I guess it’s possible they just thought it sounded cool. I really don’t know what they were going for here.
Sequoia: Yeah. It seems to me that it can't possibly be a coincidence that those are both biblical names.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Especially given that Adam is such a boring name for the giant squid.
Kim: Right. Right! But based on their relationship and… I don’t know. [both laugh] Author, what were you doing? It’s fine. It’s fine. You… they’re doing something.
Sequoia: It’s fine. They’re doing something.
Kim: Anyway.
Sequoia: If you wanna weigh in, tweet at us. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. The… the… the squid gives weird nicknames, I guess. The end.
Sequoia: Sure. Sure.
Kim: And then the squid says, “Have you been well?” [laughs]
Sequoia: This is a nice conversation on a nice morning.
Kim: Yeah. “As well as you can expect, what with everything that has been going on,” sighed the man.
Sequoia: As good as you can expect Snape to ever be at any point.
Kim: Wait, this is post Half Blood Prince. What? It’s fine.
Sequoia: Oh. What?
Kim: What’s he doing at the castle? It’s fine.
Sequoia: I don’t know. Anyway.
Kim: “I couldn’t come to visit any earlier; the Dark Lord decided to make Pettigrew stay at my place to “help.” As if. The rat is there merely to spy on me and to try to find out my true loyalties. Not that he’d be smart enough for that, anyway,” he added with a snort. This seems like it’s probably set in the summer before Half Blood Prince, right?
Sequoia: Before Half Blood Prince. Yeah. It seems like it. Is… is Wormtail just like sleeping on his couch?
Kim: He was in the book. Well, no, he was like stuffed in a closet and he was like… remember at the beginning of Half Blood Prince?
Sequoia: Right. He was… yeah. He was there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Roomie.
Kim: And they were roommates!
Sequoia: Snape and Wormtail. Roommates!
Kim: God, they were roommates! [laughs]
Sequoia: Roomies!
Kim: Gross and weird.
Sequoia: Do you think they meal planned together?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And they had like a chore chart.
Kim: I think the chore chart was Wormtail has to do all the chores. [both laugh] The chore chart just says fuck you Peter! [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: Do you think they car pooled to Death Eater stuff? Side along apparition just for fun.
Kim: Yes. Yeah.
Sequoia: Just to do it together.
Kim: Just to hold hands.
Sequoia: Just to hold hands. [laughs]
Kim: Have some physical contact.
Sequoia: Do you think they watched Netflix together?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Do you think they have a favorite Netflix show that they binged together?
Kim: No. Because it was because it was 1996, Sequoia!
Sequoia: This is an alternate universe. Don’t with me. [laughs]
Kim: No, this shit’s canon, my friend. Why not? [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh god. Okay fine. Continue.
Kim: “Do be careful, though,” Adam advised him. “I don’t want to lose you.” A brief smile touched the pale lips. “Rest assured that I do not plan to go anywhere any time soon.” Big mood. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Wow. Really got me with that one. [laughs] Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: Yeah. “Definitely not to my deaf. Death.” Sorry.. “I’ve become quite attached to living, you see. It’s a habit I find hard to dispose of.” He’s very witty.
Sequoia: It’s ‘cause he’s in love.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause in the books Snape’s really about dying. He’s like, yes please. Let me die.
Sequoia: He’s… yeah. He’s…
Kim: Everything is the worst.
Sequoia: …got a hard core death wish.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: But, like, this Snape, man.
Kim: This Snape…
Sequoia: He’s found love.
Kim: He has.
Sequoia: And he does want… does not want to shuffle off this mortal coil. You know?
Kim: Yep. Yep. “Don’t joke around,” the squid said sternly. “Take care of yourself, Cain, honestly. Should you die, I would have nobody left.”
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: There was a definite tone of sadness in the squid’s voice, which to anybody uninformed would have mostly resembled the sound of popping bubbles and splashing waves.
Sequoia: I mean, isn’t the squid like really old?
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: And is gonna live, like, a long time…
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: …more than this?
Kim: Probably. Probably.
Sequoia: He’s going to outlive…
Kim: Snape?
Sequoia: …Snape. For sure.
Kim: Especially since Snape is going to be dead within two years.
Sequoia: In like the… yeah. Like, really real quick. [both laugh] Okay. Fine. They’re in love. They’re having a nice conversation.
Kim: And squid speak sounds like popping bubbles and splashing waves, which I’m not going to try to recreate because I think that would be really unpleasant.
Sequoia: No. You kind of already did though earlier.
Kim: [whispering] Slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh.
Sequoia: [laughing] This an ASMR squid podcast.
Kim: I don’t really have the Foley equipment to really do this. I got a drink here. Let’s see.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. [faint splashing noises] I can’t really hear that.
Kim: Nope. Can’t hear it? Okay. [Sequoia laughs] I did my best.
Sequoia: You did try with the materials you had at your disposal.
Kim: [chuckling] To this, the man merely patted the tentacle holding him, a gentle smile on his lips. No, he was not about to abandon his friend. [snickers] They love each other so much. What most people never realized was that Adam was not just an intelligent beast, but actually a sentient creature.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Centuries worth of magical exposure having formed him into something as intelligent as a human, if not more so.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, so he wasn’t born this way. He was once a regular squid.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: Maybe? Hard to tell.
Sequoia: …sort of lived next to Hogwarts and…
Kim: Why is there a squid in the lake?
Sequoia: Did you know that the Hogwarts toilets [laughing] empty directly into the lake?
Kim: Yeah. Myrtle gets flushed into the lake.
Sequoia: I know. I know.
Kim: Which is… which has some really gross… look, it’s best not to talk about Hogwarts plumbing. [Sequoia laughs] My life has been ruined for years since I had to start thinking about Hogwarts plumbing.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Had to. I guess I didn’t have to.
Sequoia: I guess that it was pertinent to the… to the current conversation. You know?
Kim: Yeah, I guess there’s probably a lot of stuff with latent magical energy floating around in the lake.
Sequoia: Some latently magical poops. [both laugh]
Kim: Thank you. I was trying not to get too blue.
Sequoia: I know!
Kim: But I’m glad that you did it.
Sequoia: I know, and I usually don’t let you say poop on the podcast, and I never say poop on the podcast, so now I’ve said it like three times and we’re good for the rest of the year. [laughs]
Kim: You wanna do it one more time for me?
Sequoia: Poop. [both laugh]
Kim: This is the best day ever.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is a great podcast. Continue.
Kim: Thank you. Snape was proud to be one of the few people who ever got to see past that surface. Even while he had been a student he had at times run off to spend the night beside the lake, talking with Adam. [laughs]
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: That’s so sad.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: His schoolmates had merely thrown things at the “beast,” used him to scare first years, or gone to swim with him. I feel those three things aren’t really on the same level.
Sequoia: One of these things is not like the other. Yep.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Mm mm. Mm mm.
Kim: Or been terrified to be near the lake. That’s Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: True, Snape did swim in the lake as well, often accompanied by his gigantic friend, but to him, Adam was a companion, not just a living toy. They don’t kind of… I mean, there is no reason for anyone else to think of the squid as a sentient being. No one but Snape can talk to it. Even in this fic.
Sequoia: Yeah. Wait. Yeah. First you have to be able to speak waves.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then… [laughs]
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: And then you… you’d actively want to continue doing that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So it’s really not their fault.
Kim: That they don’t know…
Sequoia: They probably shouldn’t throw shit at him, though. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Well, I mean, Harry and Hermione throw burnt cinnamon toast at the squid.
Sequoia: They throw food to the squid.
Kim: Burnt cinnamon toast.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry’s favorite.
Sequoia: Harry’s favorite food. He’s sharing. Sharing is caring.
Kim: With the squid. Yeah. They love the squid! What? Over the years they had formed a strong bond. Ever since he had first noticed his ability to decipher words among the sounds of water, Cain had spent endless hours talking, playing, or just silently being with Adam. It was always in secret, of course. Had anybody else known, they would have deemed him insane. I don’t know that that’s true.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: I don’t think I can speak waves is that hard to believe. In a world where…
Sequoia: Well, where do you learn to speak waves?
Kim: Magic. He just seems to have that ability, apparently. And he just realized.
Sequoia: Like Parseltongue?
Kim: Yeah! Yeah! He’s got Parseltongue but for squids! [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is like… that’s like a super super recessive wizarding trait.
Kim: Yeah. I don’t think…
Sequoia: There’s like one person every three hundred years.
Kim: I don’t think it’s that hard to believe. Harry can talk to snakes.
Sequoia: Yeah, but Harry had a piece of Voldemort’s soul in him! Snape’s just like whoosh, whoosh. [both laugh]
Kim: I buy it. I don’t think they would think he’s crazy, also. Whatever, Snape. A tentacle gently caressed his cheek, then his lips, and he suppressed a sigh.
Sequoia: [makes choking noises] All right. Fine.
Kim: They love each other!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. They do. It’s fine.
Kim: Having both spent years being shunned by everybody else, always cast out of everything, the two unlikely companions had found more than just friendship in each other.
Sequoia: Mmmm.
Kim: Cain to Adam, and Adam to Cain, was somebody… yeah, it’s… yikes.
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah. I’m… [laughs]
Kim: I’m not about it. It’s weird.
Sequoia: No! That’s… [continues laughing] okay.
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …was somebody who would not judge by appearances, who saw beneath the surface to what dwelled inside.
Sequoia: Ohhhh. [laughs] Yikes. That’s gross. Also… [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I love that they’re, like, these two shunned by society and now they are together, you know?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: When the squid is basically shunned because nobody can speak the squid's language.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which is sad. And Snape is shunned because he’s a racist shitbag.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And they have found love in each other blah de blah blah blah something something.
Kim: Eeeee. Yeah. Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: You know. Yeah. I guess after Half Blood Prince people were still… I guess people are still like, maybe Snape’s just misunderstooood!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And, having the company of the other whenever Cain could come to his usual place by the lake, the two had a relationship more satisfying than most of those shared by humans among themselves.
Sequoia: Yeah. Tch. Humans.
Kim: Yeah. They don’t really know what love is.
Sequoia: Makin’ out with each other. Gross. Why would you….
Kim: Why would you do that?
Sequoia: …do that when you could make out with the big ole’ squid?
Kim: When you could be in love [both laugh] with the squid. [both keep laughing] There never could be anything but words and gentle caresses from one of them to the other, of course; they were too different to be truly together.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s… I… I like that this story acknowledges that it’s not anatomically something that they can really…
Kim: It’s not anatomically likely. Not feasible.
Sequoia: You know what? I’m on board.
Kim: I don’t know. Snape could probably try to give it some beak kisses.
Sequoia: Yeah. Gross. Some beak kisses. Gross!
Kim: Squids have beaks, right? Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know. I’m not a squid biologist.
Sequoia: [laughing] I’m not a squid biologist.
Kim: Oh. However, the bonds they shared, emotional as well as intellectual, were certainly strong enough to amount to true love.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: They’ve got a really strong platonic love.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Good for them.
Sequoia: I’m into it. [both laugh]
Kim: At times, Cain dared to dream, though.
Sequoia: Ohhhhhh. No! Nope! Mhm.
Kim: His animagus… anima… animagus form was a giant squid, that he knew.
Sequoia: Noooo! Nooooo! No it’s not. No it’s not. Here’s the thing. What? Okay, also…
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. Okay, this opens up so many questions.
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: Can he talk to the squid because his squid anima… his animagus form is a squid?
Kim: Hold for the text.
Sequoia: Great. [both laugh] I really… I’m on board that I am going to get an answer to this question, but I also don’t wanna delve any further into this. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Here we go!
Sequoia: I am very torn. [laughs]
Kim: His animagus form was a giant squid, that he knew; otherwise he could have never understood Adam’s words.
Sequoia: Ohhh. Gotcha.
Kim: Most would have laughed if they had known, but he didn’t care. I think turning into a giant squid is funny. You know? Like, your friends turn into a dog and a bird and…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …whatever else.
Sequoia: So your animagus form…
Kim: And then you turn into a giant squid.
Sequoia: Do people have animagus forms that are only like… that are water bound?
Kim: I don’t…
Sequoia: Because that would just like kind of suck, though, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You’re like, I have an animagus form but I can only do it when I’m in the water or I’ll die. [laughs]
Kim: Or I’ll literally die! Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s kinda…
Kim: You don’t see any, but…
Sequoia: That does kind of suck, though, right? I mean in like Snape’s case, good for him, you know? Because eventually he’ll be able to be with the squid forever, whatever. But for most regular people, I was like, if my animagus form was like a trout I would be so fucking pissed. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah. I don’t know, we see all kinds of unlikely forms, though, like Rita Skeeter’s beetle form.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Seems like it would… like, it’s good for her, but it does seem like it would kind of suck.
Sequoia: That’s true. Yeah.
Kim: Go through all the trouble to form your animal that’s inside of you and the animal that’s inside of you is a beetle.
Sequoia: Is a beet… is like tiny.
Kim: Skeetle Bee.
Sequoia: Like, I could be like squished at any second. Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, that would suck. What happens if you squish a… huh.
Sequoia: It’s like if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life. [both laugh]
Kim: Except it’s if you…
Both: …die in real life, you die in real life. [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: All right. Keep reading me this fanfiction. I don't wanna know what happens next. Tell me.
Kim: [laughs] Adam was a magnificent, powerful creature, blessed with a lifetime… blessed with a lifespan multiple times as long as that of any wizard, and if anything Cain was proud to at least somehow share the traits of his beloved’s species. Maybe one day, when the pointless war was over and he was free, he would be able to complete his transformation. Once that day came, he would leave the world of humans behind without a single moment of regret to join Adam…
Sequoia: Uhuh.
Kim: …in his realm of fish and water, not looking back even once! [Sequoia laughs] Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: His realm of fish and water. Incredible!
Kim: So good!
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: I’m sorry. This is very good. Like, the name stuff’s a little weird, but everything else this fic is doing is incredible.
Sequoia: Very good. Very good. [both laugh] Oh wow. Yeah, I… you know, I want this for him.
Kim: Sure. Yeah.
Sequoia: Does that mean if he turns into a squid, though, that he can also live a super long time, or is he just like…
Kim: I mean, wizards have a long lifespan to begin with.
Sequoia: True.
Kim: If you die in real life, do you die in real life?
Sequoia: [laughing] Here’s the thing. What if he turns into a squid and then he lives in… in this lake with all the magic poo and then he gets to… and then he gets to live forever too. Or whatever.
Kim: But he can’t turn back into a person because if he would, he would die immediately?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: OR maybe he’s an Animagus like Regulus is.
Sequoia: Oh, and he stays the same age!
Kim: Stays the same age! [both laugh]
Sequoia: These are all excellent theories. Listen. I don’t… I don’t think I’ve ever been more on board with a Snape ship before.
[pause]
Kim: [snorts] Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This is a good Snape ship?
Sequoia: This is my Snape OTP.
Kim: I really… no, I think I still prefer Snape/Lockhart.
Sequoia: Hmmmm.
Kim: Because I feel like it’s what they both deserve. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I think that’s valid.
Kim: This is a pretty good one though.
Sequoia: Valid.
Kim: This fic’s making a good case for this ship at least.
Sequoia: Yeah. I can see it.
Kim: Of course, to do that, he first had to survive the war.
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Kim: And, although that did seem unlikely, he was certainly going to try his best, if not otherwise, then just to be able to return to Adam.
Sequoia: Beautiful.
Kim: Yes. You know, in this… in this universe, I hope he does.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They talked… [laughs] they talked for a long time, of serious matters as well as trivial things. Adam inquired about the political situation of the wizarding world, and Cain asked about the lives of fish and merpeople, genuinely interested in the happenings of the underwater world.
Both: It was…
Kim: …after all, Adam’s world. Is that what you were about to say? And thus…
Sequoia: [laughs hysterically] No. I was just… I was… no, this is what I was going to say.
Kim: And thus as important to him as it was to the only creature he could ever claim to love. He loves him and so he cares about how his day was.
Sequoia: That’s very nice. That’s very nice. [laughs] And, you know, he’s gotta…
Kim: What kind of squid news do you think the squid has? He’s got some news about the lives of fish?
Sequoia: The fish were swimming in a different direction today.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Yesterday I saw them swimming in sort of like a westerly direction.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then today they were swimming in a sort of southern direction.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then the merpeople, they swam…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …around…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …a little bit. They did some gardening. I know they have gardens.
Kim: I bet this… I bet this news is fucking riveting.
Sequoia: [laughs] The grindylows had a party.
Kim: How big is the Hogwarts lake?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Is it big? Is it small?
Sequoia: No, it’s gotta be fucking huge, is the thing.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Sequoia: Otherwise the second task would’ve been stupid.
Kim: Well, the second task WAS stupid.
Sequoia: I mean, it was stupid from a spectator perspective. [laughs]
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: But I mean it would’ve been like, oh, this pond… you would like me to what now? It’s gotta be… if it’s got like a bi… like a… like a mermaid whole ass town in there.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That’s a big lake.
Kim: Yeah, it’s gotta be huge.
Sequoia: It’s gotta be huge.
Kim: ‘Kay. Okay. So I… I’m worried because I wonder if, like, you stuff a second giant squid… and suddenly it’s full of squid?
Sequoia: You upset the… the ecosystem? Honestly.
Kim: Yeah! Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You’ve got to worry about that kind of stuff. Insert another apex predator… [both laugh]
Sequoia: What if they procreate in this lake? Then you have an invasive species.
Kim: Do you think that they can make squid babies?
Sequoia: I don’t know! I don’t know anything about how squids procreate. I’m not a squid biologist!
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, this is some mpreg squid shit. Fine! [Sequoia laughs] T for teen! [both laugh]
Sequoia: T for teen. Okay. Go for it.
Kim: At last, however, he had to put an end to the conversation. “I’m sorry, but I have to go,” he said, genuinely sorry. He would have wanted to stay for a longer time yet. “If I don't, the rat will become suspicious. I will return as…”
Sequoia: We have movie night set up.
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’ve got movie night with the rat.
Kim: We’ve gotta go watch our TV show together or else, you know, we… we have a schedule.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We don’t want to get out of sync. You know?
Sequoia: Yeah. If I don’t get there in time then the rat will watch it without me. And that is just unacceptable.
Kim: A crime. It’s a crime. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The rat will watch Gilmore Girls without me. How fucking dare he!
Kim: We need to know what happens to Rory!
Sequoia: Snape would like Rory. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! Get him! [Sequoia laughs] Drag him, Sequoia! [both laugh]
Sequoia: You’re burnt! Whoo!
Kim: “I will return as soon as possible, though,” he added, yet again patting the tentacle in reassurance. [Sequoia laughs] Adam sighed (well, the sound came as close to a sigh as the creature could accomplish, anyway) and again gently caressed the man’s face. “Do remember to return then,” he said as he swam nearer to the shore, finally gently placing Cain back onto the rock on top of which he had stood earlier. “Oh, rest assured I will,” replied Cain, forcing himself to use a light tone. “Well, in case I don’t manage to get back…”
Sequoia: I like how you did that vocally.
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: You forced yourself to use a light tone. [laughs] It’s like, Snape’s light tone sounds like the rest of his… he just always sounds exactly the same. [laughing] Sorry.
Kim: Yeah? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: Thank you. I’m very good at this.
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Ohhh!
Kim: “In case I don’t manage to get back before school starts, I wish you luck with the new students. Hopefully none will fall out of the boat this year,” he added with a smirk.
Sequoia: I don’t know what that has to do with anything.
Kim: It's fine. It’s the most exciting thing that happens to the squid, right?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Dennis falls on him.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Dennis.
Kim: Dennis! Stay in your boat Dennis! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Dennis, get back in your boat! [laughs]
Kim: Then he put a hand onto the tentacle still around his waist, for the last time caressing the long appendage before it let go of him. “Goodbye, Adam. And please be safe.” For a moment, it was absolutely silent. Then, however, he heard a quiet voice saying, “Be safe, Severus.” Nodding quietly in response, the man didn’t say anything. Instead, he turned around and walked away. However, halfway to the castle he stopped momentarily, turning his head to look back over his shoulder. However, there was nobody or nothing there, the calmness of the lake distubred only by the small waves the wind drew by its wake. A silent sigh on his lips, Severus Snape turned away once again, leaving Adam behind.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god! [Kim laughs] Oh my god! [Kim keeps laughing] Oh my god! Is that the end?
Kim: That is the end.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Listen, that story was really good. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. They set out with a goal. In the author’s note at the top they say… they talk about how they have read some joking squid/somebody ships and they thought they were funny. But then they found a Snape/giant squid ship and they thought it was funny, but it also made them think…
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: …what if they were actually in a relationship?
Sequoia: Mmm!
Kim: And so they decided to write a romance story.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: And I think they… they did a lot of hard work here.
Sequoia: Yeah! I mean, I… I… I… squid/anyone is a reach. For sure.
Kim: Yeah. It’s… it’s hard to not make that just some… do you… okay. We talked in our scholarly talk about what is crack fic.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Was this a crack fic just from the strength of the pairing alone?
Sequoia: I think there were a lot elements to this that were crack fic.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: There was like… like, the pairing’s cracky.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The whole premise that he’s going to turn into a squid eventually when he’s got the time.
Kim: Uh huh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The… the… the whole idea that the squid lives forever because it’s, like, next to some magic.
Kim: The squid’s really smart because it’s next to some…
Sequoia: The squid’s really smart because it’s next to magic. There’s a lot of… there’s a lot of crack fic elements in there.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It is not written like a crack fic.
Kim: Yeah. There’s crack elements. I don’t know, I think I’d have trouble categorizing it as crack.
Sequoia: I think I would categorize it as crack.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: It does have…
Kim: I think it’s missing the intention and the style.
Sequoia: Yeah. The energy… the chaotic energy is not necessarily there.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But yeah.
Kim: I think it’s a story with crack elements.
Sequoia: I think I could see it going either way.
Kim: All right. Cool.
Sequoia: [laughs] I didn’t get any points, man.
Kim: I think that you actually maybe did?
Sequoia: I don’t…
Kim: Your last one was that there would be a declaration of love by the lake.
Sequoia: That’s true, but was there a declaration of love?
Kim: I don’t know. Let me…
Sequoia: Are you going to go back into the text and make sure?
Kim: Oh no. They don’t say they love each other.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They do love each other, though.
Sequoia: Yeah. I would say that I don’t get a point, but I was pretty fucking close, my dude.
Kim: Oh, you were SO close.
Sequoia: I was pretty fucking close, man.
Kim: Yeah. All right.
Sequoia: And I did manage to guess the pairing. [both laugh]
Kim: Once we…
Sequoia: Before the squid appeared. Somehow.
Kim: Yeah. Once you had Snape making squid noises by the lake.
Sequoia: [laughs] He was… he was making wave noises!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That doesn’t automatically translate to squid noises.
Kim: It did for you!
Sequoia: Well, I read a lot of fanfiction.
Kim: And also you know me.
Sequoia: I know you.
Kim: I can’t believe you didn’t… because you were so surprised. Never mind.
Sequoia: Well here’s the… yeah. Here’s the thing. That was a joke. Honestly. Did not see that was actually what this was going to be. But now that I’m thinking about it, I can't believe I didn’t realize that you were going to do squid month again.
Kim: I was SO excited for weeks.
Sequoia: Yeah. Damn. I really should’ve seen that coming, honestly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I should’ve been like, oh, July? [laughs] It’s going to be about the giant squid. But no, no, no. [groans] Dang it. [Kim laughs] Okay. Well. Welcome to squid month…
Kim: Let’s…
Sequoia: …I guess, everybody. Let’s get into…
Kim: We’ve got a… let’s see [makes bleeping newsreel noises] We have a breaking hold for the end please!
Sequoia: Hold for the end please.
Kim: This is not just any regular breaking hold for the end please.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no.
Kim: This is a breaking news hold for the end please. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You gotta hit that.
Kim: Normally hold for the end please is where one of you, our dear listeners, sends us the end of a story that wasn’t quite completed to your satisfaction. But in this case, dear listeners, somebody reached out to us. Well, they didn’t reach out to us. Somebody tweeted that… [laughs]
Sequoia: So okay. We gotta tell this story.
Kim: We gotta back up.
Sequoia: We gotta back up.
Kim: We gotta zoom out a little bit.
Sequoia: Somebody tweeted at us and was like, oh my gosh, I… [laughs] I was looking for any remnants of my old fanfiction on the internet, and found this podcast reviewing one of my old fanfictions.
Kim: And by reviewing, they did mean dunking on.
Sequoia: Yeah. So we were… [laughs] we were like, oh my god! Reached out to them. Which one was your fanfiction? This is so exciting because the stories we do are so old that we never get to hear from these people.
Kim: Yeah. We don’t.
Sequoia: We’re so excited. So the author that reached out to us wrote Willow’s Thorn and apparently had written a lot more of Willow’s Thorn, originally published on Quizilla.
Kim: Yeah, it sounds like she… she said she… and I remember reading fanfiction on Quizilla back in the day.
Sequoia: Me too.
Kim: It was not the format for it. At all.
Sequoia: No, but…
Kim: It was not a good medium for it. [laughs]
Sequoia: For some reason it was all there. There was like a ton of it.
Kim: There was a lot there. And Quizilla is fucking gone.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Just gone, gone, gone.
Sequoia: Mhm. [Kim groans] So this author was kind enough… not only did this author listen to the whole episode, but listened to the… but then had her friends listen to the whole episode, which is great. And also told us a bunch about what happened next.
Kim: To Rose! What’s up with Rose?
Sequoia: Oh my god. This is… this is like a gold mine. Like, I can’t even explain how exciting this is. I was losing my damn mind. And they have a ton of stuff.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: So I guess I’ll just start going through it. Yeah?
Kim: Yeah, go ahead.
Sequoia: Okay. So in the story we know that when Rose is in dog form she’s got like a little red streak on her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And apparently she also has that in her hair.
Kim: Mmm. Okay.
Sequoia: Which, her mood ring hair came from the fact that the author desperately wanted to dye their hair weird colors and wasn’t allowed to do that, which is amazing.
Kim: [chuckles] Yeah. That sounds correct.
Sequoia: She does… Rose does eventually end up at Hogwarts, and she…
Kim: [sighs] So sad that’s gone.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know. And like not in dog form, like, as… as Rose.
Kim: As a per… yeah, she does eventually, like, reveal that she is a person.
Sequoia: And she refuses to wear her school uniform and is somehow not disciplined for this behavior and is just allowed to continue. [both laugh]
Kim: I think that’s a really common trope from this time period. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. She definitely… she was admired by her friends for her sassy comebacks to bullies and unfair teachers. [Kim snorts] Which is great. Let’s see what else we’ve got here. So when we’re… [laughs] when we’re talking about how she took all her stuff with her, apparently this was a reference to Discworld?
Kim: Yeah. Her stuff was in a trunk that was going to follow her around.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Which is awesome.
Sequoia: I have never read those.
Kim: Yeah, neither did I.
Sequoia: But yeah, apparently that’s a Discworld reference. And then the Death… the Death Eaters were after Rose and not her mum.
Kim: Mmm.
Sequoia: They killed her mum because they were after Rose.
Kim: Mmmm.
Sequoia: Because, and I quote from the author here, “I’m sixty percent sure there’s a prophecy.” And there’s prophecy reasons why she didn’t know about Harry Potter. [Kim laughs] And they wanted her… the Death Eaters wanted her for her unique powers and potential.
Kim: Of course.
Sequoia: And the two Death Eaters which were hypothetically Lucius and Bellatrix were basically like Team Rocket in this. [both laugh] Which is what the author says.
Kim: That big…
Both: …Pokémon energy!
Kim: Bringing it back! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: Yes. Very good.
Sequoia: The flashes of memory were meant to be literal flashes, so they didn’t know everything about each other.
Kim: Hmmm. Yeah.
Sequoia: But the green thread was supposed to be similar to the pensieve.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: And there’s a prophecy so they’re linked… they have to become linked spiritually.
Kim: Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: Enable to like fulfill the prophecy. [both laugh] And the author thinks that they remember her middle name was Willow. So like Rose Willow Black, which is why it’s called Willow’s Thorn.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And they wrote somewhere between ten and twenty chapters.
Kim: Incredible.
Sequoia: Yeah. That were all up on Quizilla.
Kim: She said that the full story ran until the Christmas holidays, and there was a Yule Ball and a gratuitous description of her outfit.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She says it was an emerald green medieval styled dress and her hair was auburn.
Sequoia: Yesss!
Kim: And a snowball fight. And… oh my goodness. [laughs]
Sequoia: It’s SO awesome to hear these things from… from the actual author.
Kim: Yeah. She mentions that there’s very little… there was very little romance in the whole thing because she didn’t know it yet, that she was ace and she was grossed out by physical contact. So cute!
Sequoia: That is a big mood.
Kim: Incredible. Yeah. Yeah, was that a big mood, Sequoia?
Sequoia: It’s a big mood. [both laugh] Yeah, I mean…
Kim: Oh, one of her tweets I also wanted to hit was that she was… one of the tweets that she originally did was she was so glad that she didn’t manage to upload more of it to fanfiction.net and that the memory of the line, “because I’m a goth, duh!” only lives in her heart. [Sequoia laughs] But also, now that she’s tweeted that, it lives in all of our hearts.
Sequoia: It lives in… yeah, it lives in all of our hearts. It lives with us all.
Kim: Incredible.
Sequoia: Incredible. Thanks so much to the author.
Kim: Especially for sharing all of this silliness with us.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We love it so much.
Sequoia: We very much appreciate it. Okay. So now that we’re done with our breaking news segment, let’s get to…
Both: [chuckling] …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew peww!
Kim: All right. Today I’m recommending a story called Like Water for Squid Meat.
Sequoia: Yes. In the theme, as it were.
Kim: This story… I was hoping that I would be able to use this. It has been sent to me at least three times.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: But I read it and was like, no way! I like this. It’s Dron. [both laugh] So…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …I’m recommending it. It’s fine.
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: Here I go. Thank you to Skylar and Molly and the unnamed third person that sent this to me. It’s very silly. I also really like Harry’s… it’s post war and Harry’s, like, really nervous about being photographed by the paparazzi in it.
Sequoia: Oh nice.
Kim: And it’s just really silly and well written and it’s Dron and I like it!
Sequoia: Noice!
Kim: I’m recommending it.
Sequoia: Sweet.
Kim: Read it. Squid stuff.
Sequoia: You can find a link to that… to that recommendation in the description of this episode. You can also find it on our website.
Kim: Www.fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: You can find a whole list of all of our recommendations on our website, as well as some merch. We’ve got some merch on the website and a link to our TeePublic, where there is a variety of merch available.
Kim: Also on the website is our story submission form. Don’t send me Like Water for Squid Meat any more. I’ve used it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. [laughs again] If you want to follow us on social media we’ve got a Facebook, an Instagram, a Twitter, @FanaticalFics. You can also reach out with any longer thoughts to our email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Do keep sending us your OCs.
Sequoia: Your OCs.
Kim: We want them!
Sequoia: There’s maybe, possibly, a new segment that maybe might happen of those.
Kim: Some day.
Sequoia: So keeping them in.
Kim: If you like this podcast and want to help this podcast out, there’s a few ways you can do that. Drop us a review on the internet.
Sequoia: [laughs] You can also tell…
Kim: Drop us a review in person.
Sequoia: [laughing] Drop us a review in person! Jesus Christ. You can also trick everyone 2020.
Kim: I don’t mean review in person to us. I mean review in person with your friends.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Yeah. You walk up to your friends and you’re like, five stars. Wow! I love Drarry! This podcast… [both laugh] your friend is like, oh my god.
Kim: This podcast makes me laugh on the bus. [both laugh]
Sequoia: What is happening? We have only gotten to half a million downloads because you are all so great at tricking your friends into listening to our silly podcast. So thank you for that.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And continue to do that thing.
Kim: Nice… nice trickery, everyone. Also, if you like this podcast you could support us by joining our Patreon. It exists. It’s very silly. We’re in the middle of reading Carry On right now. I think we’ll probably be done by the time this episode drops.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But that’s been really fun. We’ve got all kinds of silly stuff going on on our Patreon Discord all the time. So check our Patreon out and maybe join up if you want. Speaking of Patreon, after six months of continued support you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story segment, which Sequoia’s going to do right now.
Sequoia: It’s the trio’s seventh year and Dumbledore has decided to bring back the Yule Ball to lift the spirits of the students, who are all anxiously awaiting for the final battle with Moldy Pants. [Kim laughs] Due to Hogwarts’ impending doom, Dumbledore is unable to get any wizarding bands to come play, so he gets a Muggle artist to agree to play the dance. Ron decides to finally ask Hermione, Neville has been spending quality time with a girl from Hufflepuff and Draco has not returned since his sixth year bad guy debacle, so Harry decides to go stag. As Harry sways by himself in the middle of the dance floor, he locks eyes with a Ravenclaw boy he’d never taken a second look at before. Will Terry and Harry [Kim laughs] find love while swaying together to the dulcet tones of Jason Miraz? [Kim still laughing] Or will Draco return with a secret that could unravel this budding romance?
Kim: Terry/Harry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. Thank you so much to…
Kim: No, wait. Stop.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: WHAT SONG?
Sequoia: [laughs] I didn’t pick one.
Kim: Pick a Jason Miraz song right now! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I gotta go to Spotify, I don’t know any Jason Miraz songs off the top of my head.
Kim: Why not?!
Sequoia: Who do you think I am? [both laugh] Get… oh. Oh, it’s… this is that guy. [laughs]
Kim: Did you just name a random artist? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yes I did! The fuck do you expect from me, man?
Kim: All right, what song?
Sequoia: It’s… it’s I’m Yours.
Kim: Oooookay.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s definitely…
Kim: Terry/Harry.
Sequoia: Terry/Harry. [laughs] Thank you so much to Jeanne Perez, Abigail Lemel, Emma Webb, Sierra Gavin, Kendra Thomas and Elise Schooling.
Kim: Thank you for your continued support. It really means a lot to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for our amazing theme song, it’s their song Wolfstar.
Both: Byeeeeee!
Sequoia: Happy squid month. [Kim laughs]