Episode 81: Forever Crumbly: A Squid's Story/The Tentacle Tango
SQUID MERCH:
https://www.teepublic.com/user/fanaticalfics
Recommendation: Weasley, Percy Weasley
https://archiveofourown.org/works/17562692
Kim: Quick announcement for our next couple of episodes. It's our anniversary, and the thing we have done is going to be coming out as a two parter. The first part will be dropping on Monday the twenty seventh, and the second part will be coming out on the third, so look forward to that. We're really excited to share it with you all. [pause] I had a bit of an existential crisis last night in the middle of the fun joke writing game we were playing with our friends.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah. Why?
Kim: Have I never been funny?
Sequoia: Oh. I… I actually distinctly remember also having this crisis.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: To the point where I rage quit the game we were playing.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: And let it time out on me.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then I left for a minute.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But yeah, I am… it's possible that we were never funny.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: So I guess we should… guess it's time to do the podcast. [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It is a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: That it is. We love Harry Potter fanfiction so much that we decided that we were going to do a whole crack fic zine. A whole Harry Potter crack fic zine.
Kim: Yes, we did decide that.
Sequoia: It's called Yes!! Glitter!!! and here's the new timeline. [laughs]
Kim: [slowly] We’re not that… far… behind.
Sequoia: It’s not… it’s not that… it’s not that different from the original timeline. We did warn you.
Kim: You know, I realized today as I was staring… staring at our inbox, like, holy shit, I'm never going to get through these submissions. We should have been going through them the entire time. We shouldn't have waited.
Sequoia: That they were coming in?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yeah! Uh huh.
Kim: That was stupid. That was very stupid.
Sequoia: That was very, very dumb. [Kim laughs] Listen. [laughs]
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: We’re doi… we’re learning by doing.
Kim: The good news is we’re almost done reading the submissions.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And we plan to have this thing put together by the end of the month, and ready to… ready for you all to start ordering.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: It. So that we can make it.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And send it to you.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: End of the month.
Sequoia: End of the month.
Kim: This month.
Sequoia: Yes!!
Kim: July. 2020.
Sequoia: Glitter!!!
Kim: There's your update. [both laugh] Here’s another update. We are running the listener survey again this year. 2 sur 2 vey back at ya. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah, I made that joke again. The second time. It was not better this time.
Sequoia: You did. You did. [laughs]
Kim: It’s really not a joke. It's just a stupid thing.
Sequoia: Here's the thing about the survey. We kept the question, “What is the distillation of your soul into an object?” on the… on the survey, and…
Kim: We certainly did.
Sequoia: We did. And it occurs to me now, having read through the responses to this question…
Kim: Uh huh…
Sequoia: …that it is possible that…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That it's too deep of a cut.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Like, it’s too old.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: People might not know…
Kim: Which episode that’s from?
Sequoia: …what exactly we’re getting to on that one.
Kim: Yep. [Sequoia laughs] As we get farther in time from that episode, people might not remember the time that Percy was turned into the distillation of his soul, a prefect’s badge.
Sequoia: A prefect badge. Yeah.
Kim: And then we…
Sequoia: So [both laugh] that’s… that’s what that question is.
Kim: …thought it was appropriate to ask all of you that very deep and personal question.
Sequoia: Twice! [quiet laugh]
Kim: Twice.
Sequoia: We're very stupid. You don't have to answer that question if you don't want to. I think. Did I make that a required question? Who knows?
Kim: I mean, just type in some spaces. Type in no, you don't need to know that. What's wrong with you? [both laugh] The survey…
Sequoia: Typing in what’s wrong with you? is probably the correct answer.
Kim: Yeah, that’s… yeah, probably. The survey closes at the end of the month. So the link is on most of our social accounts, as well as in the description of this episode, so click through that and fill it out so we can know about you, the listener. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Excellent. If you are following us on our socials, speaking of our socials, you may have seen that we shared an amazing sticker that one of our listeners drew and is selling and came up with. It's a Hogwarts/squid sticker.
Kim: Yeah, that's on her Redbubble. The links are on our social media accounts, and you should go buy it because it's amazing.
Sequoia: And here's the thing. We liked it so much that we did commission this listener, Isabel, to do some squid merch [Kim laughs] for us. So you should…
Kim: [laughs] We did. Because the survey… the… the… the quick early preview into the survey results that we've gotten is that you all are DEMANDING squid merch. [Sequoia laughs] Because you’re all so nasty. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You should be following us on social media because that's where we will go ahead and announce when that is available. There will be some squid biologist and not a squid biologist merch soon! Follow us on socials.
Kim: On our… on our TeePublic.
Sequoia: @FanaticalFics. Yeah.
Kim: Yep. So look out for that, you nasty, nasty squid boys. [both laugh]
Sequoia: All right, well, I guess we'll just get into some fuckin’ fanfiction here, okay? And you know what? This is… this is a landmark moment. We’ve… we've been discussing something for a long time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we are finally ready to… to put into place a new time frame limit. Is that what we're calling it? New time frame limit.
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: For the stories that we read on this podcast. So we have only been reading stories that came out before the release of Deathly Hallows for the past three years.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Today I am going to be reading two stories, but the first story I'm going to read came out in late 2007, after the release of Deathly Hallows.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: I think… I think it's time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's 2020.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: 2010 was ten years ago, so we can go back to late 2007, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Give us an opportunity to finally get some good next gen stuff in, which I would love to do.
Sequoia: I think that officially we're extending our timeline a year.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: So let's… let's say… so Deathly Hallows came out on July twenty first 2007.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Do we want to extend to July twenty first 2008, or do we just want to go to the end of July?
Sequoia: End of July 2008.
Kim: ‘Kay. All right. Cool. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So… so there you go. There it is our very formal announcement of the extension of our timeline.
Kim: There you go.
Sequoia: Okay! Here's the thing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: This is your fault.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: You can't have…
Kim: What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: What? You can't have squid month…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …with only one squid episode.
Kim: That's true, but who's to say I don't have plans for the rest of this episode?
Sequoia: You didn't tell me that!
Kim: [laughs loudly] All right, fine. Fair enough.
Sequoia: So now I…
Kim: You felt… you felt pressured to do a squid episode.
Sequoia: I felt pressured to do a squid episode!
Kim: Well, I’m sorry you felt that way!
Sequoia: But then… [both laugh] you set me… you set me up…
Kim: You should’ve expected me… [laughs]
Sequoia: You set me up to do a squid episode.
Kim: Fine. I didn't think you would. I thought you would do another Fluffy Pink Bunny sort of episode to really just kind of pretend like we weren't doing squid content. [Sequoia laughs] I thought I knew you.
Sequoia: But squid month wasn't established then! [Kim laughs] Now it’s established.
Kim: Oh. I don't know that we wanted to establish it. There's just really not that much squid content out there, let's be real.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: So I had to…
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: …go outside of our time frame.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And also do some real deep scrubbing of fanfiction websites that we don't usually use.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: [laughs] So, that being said…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …this first story was written in late 2007.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: After the release of Deathly Hallows. We're gonna go into predictions now, and now no one is allowed to guess that the squid is there! [Kim laughs] For several reasons, including that it says squid in the title of both of these stories. [laughs]
Kim: Both? Sequoia!
Sequoia: Oh, here's the thing, man! [laughs] I felt like I had to!
Kim: [laughs] All right, give us this first one.
Sequoia: All right. It’s squid month, here we go. All right, so this first story was… it is called Forever Crumbly: A Squid’s Story. It is humor/romance…
Kim: [whispering] Stupid.
Sequoia: …and it was written post Deathly Hallows!
Kim: Oh! You saying that does give me chills a little bit. [both chuckle] Okay, give me the first part of that title again.
Sequoia: Forever Crumbly.
Kim: Oh my god. That’s nothing.
Sequoia: A Squid’s Story. [laughs]
Kim: Okay, I think my first guess is that this involves the toast. The toast that Harry throws to the squid in book four.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That's going to be involved in this story somehow.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: The second prediction I have is that I think this is going to take place in multiple, like, time periods. This is gonna be, like, a long like life story of the squid and we're going to go through multiple eras. Like, see them. Okay?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Heavy use of flashback.
Sequoia: Cool, gotcha.
Kim: And… oh my god. The third prediction I have… I think this story is going to be a story that starts with describing what a beautiful day it is. [laughs] Can I guess that?
Sequoia: Yeah, you can guess that. If that's… if that's a thing you want to guess, you can guess that, and we'll just go ahead and read the story.
Kim: I mean, I'd rather guess that, like, the squid’s not part of the pairing, but I don't know that that's specific enough.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don't think that's specific enough. Yeah.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Unfortunately.
Kim: The main pairing and this isn't the squid, but… you know, that's probably true. I can't… I can't imagine you bringing me a squid/anything fic.
Sequoia: Okay. Sure. [Kim splutters] You can believe that. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Do I not know you very well? [laughs] Thanks!
Sequoia: Maybe you just don’t know the lengths I will go to to appease the listeners and their rabid need for squid month. [laughs]
Kim: Wow! Please proceed.
Sequoia: I didn’t do this for you. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Yeah, that’s fair.
Sequoia: Okay. All right. I will proceed now. This is a story. It is Forever Crumbly: A Squid’s Story.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: The giant squid was floating at the surface of the water. The students were all running amok somewhere other. They were really looking for a reason for the squid to learn how to say psshaw. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man! I mean, okay, yes, kids are annoying.
Sequoia: Kids are annoying, they're running amok.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: All around the banks of the… of the lake.
Kim: Uh huh. The squid’s just trying to have a nice squid day.
Sequoia: Yeah! He ogled a student or two by the surface of the lake.
Kim: Don't ogle students. That’s gross.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know. I know. [both laugh] He's just looking at them.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He’s… he’s hanging out.
Kim: It’s an unfortunate word choice?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I don't think they really understood the… the…
Both: …connotations.
Sequoia: Mhm
Kim: Fair enough.
Sequoia: [laughs] Not very interesting. But they were talking about something, and Squid wanted in.
Kim: Why? Fine.
Sequoia: He wants to know the hot goss. From the students that sit by the lake.
Kim: I thought Squid was more interested in the lives of fish and merpeople.
Sequoia: No, that's boring! That's what he does every day.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: He needs to spice it up a little bit. He wants to hear about… I don't know, what they’re… whatever they’re talking about. How Snape sucks!
Kim: Whatever stupid bullshit these kids are talking about. Fine.
Sequoia: Who’s dating who.
Kim: Who cares?
Sequoia: What they had for dinner yesterday. [chuckles]
Kim: Please continue.
Sequoia: He’d look like a downright fool, wouldn't he, if he was both the largest creature in the lake and somehow the least informed. [Kim laughs] See, I told you.
Kim: Squid’s got major FOMO. Wow.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, he just wants the hot goss. Here's the thing. Who does he have to hang out with? Merpeople?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Grindylows?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Myrtle?
Kim: Okay, Myrtle would make fun of Squid for not having the hot goss.
Sequoia: Yeah, Myrtle would be like, you didn't know that Harry and Ginny hooked up at the…
Kim: Myrtle’s fucking rude. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You didn’t know about Lockhart and Snape and the… [Kim laughs] The darker smaller haired blur tossed something into the water. Squid pondered it for a moment. It was squarely shaped.
Kim: Hell, yeah it was!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] I was hoping that you would get there.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Gotta be…
Kim: It’s my favorite squid moment.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] That was the other thing as I was like… I was looking for squid content and I was like, I might have to go outside of the timeline, outside of the time period, just because I wanted to make sure that you hadn't read it.
Kim: Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Sequoia: And… because there's not very much squid content. And I saw this and I was like, oh my god, it's everything we've ever wanted. It's the giant squid AND toast! [both laugh]
Kim: Is it the giant squid SLASH toast? I’d be very…
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: Oh, shit! Really?! YEEES!
Sequoia: Squid loves toast!
Kim: Squid loves toast! [Sequoia laughs] Ahhh! Incredible.
Sequoia: The pairing of all of our dreams. All right [clears throat] Squid pondered it for a moment. It was squarely shaped.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Squid pondered the squarely shaped object. His senses told him it was an Edible. Squid let his tentacles flob over the surface and reach…
Kim: Flob.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t know what that… [laughs]
Kim: That’s a great word. That's exactly how squids grab toast, I would assume. [Sequoia laughs] Not a squid biologist.
Sequoia: Flob, flob, flob, flob, flob. Flob, flob, flob, flob, flob. Flob. Not a squid biologist. And reach until he had obtained the squarely shaped Edible.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: His tentacle wrapped around it, and he pulled it down. Based on its textures, it was also a Squishy and a Spongy. [both laugh]
Kim: Squid, are you okay? Square. Food Square.
Sequoia: laughing food…
Kim: Squishy Food Square? [Sequoia laughs loudly] Excuse me, Squid?
Sequoia: Squid has a… has a very tentative grasp on the English language.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And also, on the basic…
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: …ideas…
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: …of food…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and texture. [laughs]
Kim: Uh huh. But he wants the hot goss.
Sequoia: But he does want the hot goss. Yes, absolutely. No, Squid knows… Squid may not really understand, you know, food or texture, but Squid understands gossip and romance.
Kim: Mhm. Mm… hmm.
Sequoia: Those are the squid’s... [breaks down with laughter] fine.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: It was a Squishy.
Kim: Mhm
Sequoia: And a Spongy.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: He nibbled it.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: It was a Crumbly, too. [both laugh]
Kim: This is nothing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Can something be…
Kim: Can something be a Squishy and a Crumbly?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: No, not really. Not really.
Sequoia: Yeah, also, like, under water? Like, once you’ve…
Kim: I mean, maybe if it's not wet all the way through yet, parts of it could be squishy and parts of it could be crumbly? I think we're getting too deep into this part of it, though. [Sequoia laughs] This is not the important part.
Sequoia: It was a Crumbly, too.
Kim: Is the squid going to get too into this?
Sequoia: It was also a Crumbly, too. And a Different Flavor.
Kim: We know what flavor.
Sequoia: I’d like you to know that different flavor is…
Kim: We know what flavor.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s cinnamon.
Kim: It’s. Burnt. Cinnamon. Toast. Ba-by.
Sequoia: Oh, man. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Different flavor is capitalized. It is a Different Flavor.
Kim: Yeah? I mean, what does Squid…
Sequoia: It is a Crumbly…
Kim: Squid normally eats…
Both: …fishes.
Sequoia: So, yeah. I mean…
Kim: Do we know…?
Sequoia: Burnt toast is different.
Kim: Yeah, there’s… there’s fish in the lake. I don’t… how big is the la…? Doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right. Squid would have to bring it to the mermaids later to find out the nomenclature of the Different Flavor. Capitalized.
Kim: Why would the mermaids know what bread is? They wouldn’t.
Sequoia: They would not.
Kim: Nope. No way.
Sequoia: There’s no reason for mermaids to know what bread is. [laughs] Just because they’re, like, vaguely humanoid does not mean…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …that they know what bread is.
Kim: There's no way they know. But that's fine.
Sequoia: Well, we'll see. [laughing] We'll see if they actually don’t know what bread is.
Kim: Why are we gonna see? [Sequoia laughs] Continue.
Sequoia: But for now, Squid was satisfied with the Squarely Shaped, Crumbly, Different Flavor Edible. A passage of… time?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Passage of space?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Mermaids” said Squid, nibbling on the squarely shaped Edible. [Kim laughs] “Can you give me a name for this Different Flavor?” [both laugh] I like… okay. Time has passed. He's already nibbled on this piece of toast.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It's got to be disintegrated by now. There's got to be nothing left of this toast. This toast has been underwater for seemingly a while.
Kim: Probably. [laughs]
Sequoia: It's being, like, handled by the squid. [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t know! Why is he nibbling it? It's fine.
Sequoia: He wants to savor it. He doesn't know when he's going to get toast again.
Kim: That's probably true.
Sequoia: He plucked several spongy pieces from the Edible and distributed them to the wisest of the mermaids. He's come to… [laughs] come to like the mermaids’ council of wise men.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: To ask them… to ask them what toast is.
Kim: What is this?
Sequoia: [laughing] What is this?
Kim: Mermaids are like, the fuck would we know?
Sequoia: [laughs] All they eat is fish, too!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: I don’t know. This… is… not fish. Not fish, thank you.
Kim: They might make like… they might make, like, kelp blocks.
Sequoia: Ohh. They do have gardens
Kim: They can’t be doing that…
Sequoia: We do know they have gardens.
Kim: Yeah. They can't be doing much, like, heating of food because they are underwater but, you know.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: They might shape cold kelp into…
Sequoia: [laughs] Loaves?
Kim: …some sort of food paste. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Cool, good, they have kelp bread. This is different than that.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: “This flavor is buttery,” said one mermaid.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “This flavor is burnt,” said the second.
Kim: No way. What? Really?
Sequoia: Yeah. Uh huh.
Kim: Was the toast burned in the book?
Sequoia: I don't know. [laughs]
Kim: The fuck?
Sequoia: I don't know. Tweet at us. It had to have been. We… or! OR!
Kim: Or we've manifested this retroactively?
Sequoia: [laughs] Or fanfiction just decided.
Kim: And it seeped into our brain, somehow?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sequoia, I don't understand what's happening. [Sequoia laughs] Please continue.
Sequoia: “Nay, this flavor is of the risen kind,” said the third at last.
Kim: It is risen. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The toast!
Both: It has risen! [they laugh]
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: You know, ‘cause bread rises.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: This tastes of leavening!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] This third mermaid is like a master… a master baker. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Bakes a lot of bread, this third mermaid.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Knows a lot about the… the… the science behind it, the chemistry. Okay. This… the flavor’s buttery, the flavor’s burnt, the flavor’s of the risen kind.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Is what they've all said.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “Which of these is it?” asked Squid.
Kim: Which of what? It’s all of those.
Sequoia: “It is them all.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Decided the first mermaid. “It is called…”
Kim: Has the squid never… has the squid never eaten something that tastes like multiple things before?
Sequoia: No. Fish just taste like fish.
Kim: Okay. I don’t know that…
Sequoia: Fish has one… [laughs] has one taste.
Kim: I don't know that is true, but fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, he… and like I said before…
Kim: Squid doesn't have a great grasp on…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …anything, seemingly.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Except for this toast.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know how any… any flavor is of the risen kind.
Kim: [whispering] Yeah, that’s not a thing.
Sequoia: So I think that probably mermaids also don't have that great of a grasp.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: They have much better grasp than the squid does.
Kim: Yeah, I mean it's possible that they have picnics above water with wizards sometimes. Friendly…
Sequoia: I mean, we're never told that mermaids can't survive above water.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For a short period of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So canon. [both laugh] “It is them all,” decided the first mermaid. “It is called… toast.”
Kim: [laughs quietly] Stupid.
Sequoia: Knowing his time of discovery was over, Squid consumed the last of the Toast.
Kim: Aw.
Sequoia: And swam away.
Kim: Poor Squid.
Sequoia: Squid considered toast for many further days. [both laugh] Toast was an Edible which had touched Squid’s life in a different way than others. [both laugh]
Kim: That is quite a way to phrase that. I guess. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You’ve never had food before that you just, like…
Kim: No! I have had life shatteringly different food before. [both continue to laugh]
Sequoia: Why…
Kim: But I don't know that I would phrase it that way.
Sequoia: That it had touched your life in a different way than others?
Kim: Yeah, I don't think that's what I would say. [Sequoia laughs] I would probably say something like, fuck, that’s the best pizza I've ever had! [both laugh] But, you know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don't really have a way with words.
Sequoia: Okay. Not like the squid does. [laughs] Why, it was nothing like fish, which he could not care less about.
Kim: Oh, no. All other food’s been ruined.
Sequoia: It was not like leftovers. I don’t know.
Kim: Does the squid… the squid has leftovers?
Sequoia: I don’t know. [chuckles]
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia: It has leftovers. I mean, I don't know what leftovers would be, other than fish.
Kim: I don’t understand! Maybe the squid’s eating out of the mermaids’ garbage cans?
Sequoia: Oh, no! [laughs]
Kim: Ah, fuck! The squid’s gotten into the cans again! [Sequoia laughs] Then they go chase it off.
Sequoia: And he calls it leftovers? [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t know. What else could it be?
Sequoia: I have no idea! It’s… it’s… leftovers are what’s left over of the thing you were already eating, which was fish. It’s just more fish. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Continue, I guess.
Sequoia: It was not like chicken, or meat, or other such things.
Kim: [sighs] I don’t understand. Continue.
Sequoia: Toast was unique. Toast was buttery, burnt, risen, squishy, spongy, crumbly, and squarely shaped. [laughs]
Kim: I feel like… oh, this is, like, giving me very strong, like, Dr. Seuss vibes. [Sequoia laughs loudly] This is a children's book.
Sequoia: One toast, two toast?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Red toast, blue toast? [both laugh] Green Eggs and Toast?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] Squid felt passionate about the precision of toast. [both laugh]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The precision of toast!
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: The precision of toast!
Kim: I don't know what that means, [Sequoia laughs] please continue.
Sequoia: And he envied its evanescence. [Kim laughs] He longed to again fiddle with its spongy texture…
Kim: Yikes! [Sequoia laughs] Hate that!
Sequoia: [laughs] …and ogle its squarely shape. Squid…
Kim: Yeah, this is…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: This is squid/toast and it's nasty.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Good job.
Sequoia: [laughs] I told you!
Kim: I didn’t know.
Sequoia: Squid/toast!
Kim: How could I have known?
Sequoia: [laughs] Excellent point, excellent point. Squid… okay, he longed to whatever. Squid… [laughs] I don’t think I could say it again. Honestly.
Kim: Please don’t.
Sequoia: And ogle its squarely shape. Squid missed his beloved Toast. The end!
Kim: The end?! The end?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: We never get to find out…
Kim: If Squid ever gets Toast…!
Sequoia: If he ever sees Toast again. I know!
Kim: Oh, that's so tragic. That was wrongly tagged. That had the wrong tags on it.
Sequoia: I know. I think it was angst.
Kim: That was… that was drama.
Sequoia: [laughing] That was drama! [laughs] Drama/romance. Retagged. [both laugh] Giant squid/toast.
Kim: I got a point!
Sequoia: You did. You did get a point. I'm very proud of you for getting your point.
Kim: Thank you. That was… that was dumb.
Sequoia: ‘Cause that was fucking insane. [laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And you did it. You did it. You called it. It was the crumble, wasn't it?
Kim: It was.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It was the crumble. I was… led me down the toasty path. [Sequoia laughs] Thanks, I guess.
Sequoia: The toasty path! Uh huh. You're welcome. I have another one for you. You want another one?
Kim: All right. Let's fucking do it, man.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! All right. Give me three predictions.
Kim: This is gonna be our squidiest episode ever. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I know! [laughs] See, here's the thing though. It’s if we give them what they want, maybe they'll decide that they never wanted this! [laughs] All along, they were misled.
Kim: I think that this has to come with a pretty strong warning that this is probably the last squid month. There’s just…
Sequoia: It can’t… we can’t continue.
Kim: There’s just not that much content.
Sequoia: It took me SO long [Kim laughs] to do this.
Kim: I think… I think we've all, like, we think there's a lot of nasty squid content out there and they're just… none of it’s really survived. If there was a time period where there was a lot of nasty squid content on fanfiction.net, which I kind of have trouble believing, it hasn't survived.
Sequoia: No. No. I think… I think the myth has become larger than the… than the actual content.
Kim: Mhm. All right, what do you have next?
Sequoia: Next. Okay, three predictions for The Tentacle Tango. [Kim groans] This is a humor story.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That came out post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: [sighs] This is nothing.
Sequoia: No, I think you can do it, I think you can get one on this one too.
Kim: You think so?
Sequoia: I think you can. The Tentacle Tango.
Kim: Okay, here we go.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Prediction one. Squid/whomping willow.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Prediction two. Hagrid teaches the squid how to dance.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Prediction three. The squid is not in this fanfiction.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly and at length] Okay, sure. [both laugh] [Kim chokes] All right, Great. Here we go. Those are good.
Kim: Thank you, thank you. I like that second one. I'm sorry, that's a good one.
Sequoia: That’s a… that is a very good one. It's very good. Okay. [clears throat] The Tentacle Tango. Rule number one: the giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
Kim: [laughs] Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: See?
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: Tango. The ball. Do you see where… do you see where’s…
Kim: Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: Hogwarts was having a ball. A Yule Ball, to be specific. Dumbledore knew that these usually needed something called a Triwizard Tournament to be under way, but oh well.
Kim: Those got cancelled because we couldn't stop killing our students.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hogwarts is the safest place! [laughs]
Kim: [sighs] They’re not wrong. They should have more intra house friendly events like the Yule Ball.
Sequoia: Yes, true. You can still have a Yule Ball.
Kim: Why is Dumbledore alive post Half Blood Prince?
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Because… you'll see. Luna knew that she was the only one who could ever hope to break the number one Yule Ball rule.
Kim: I mean, she's not the only one. We've also had the squid recently shipped with Harry,
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Snape.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And the castle.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Any of those three could also take the squid to the dance.
Sequoia: I mean, I don’t… I… maybe she just doesn't know about them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She…
Kim: ‘Cause she doesn't know very much… she doesn’t know her date very well, though, then.
Sequoia: She doesn't.
Kim: So that’s kinda…
Sequoia: I mean, they’ve never been on a date before.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: So they haven't, you know, chatted it up.
Kim: This is their first date.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. Luna’s… Luna’s gonna go out on a limb and ask the squid on a first date.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: Hannah had, of course, tried. [Kim sputters] What?
Kim: Of course! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Naturally, if anyone were going to…
Kim: Naturally! Hannah Abbot is the one. She’s… nasty? [both laugh]
Sequoia: She’s always been very vocal and open…
Both: …about…
Kim: …her squid feelings?
Sequoia: [laughs some more] Yeah, clearly.
Kim: Fine. Hannah.
Sequoia: “Here, Squiddy!” she bellowed over the lake. “Come to Hannah!”
Kim: No. That’s not how you… that’s not how you summon the squid. We all know.
Sequoia: We all know that you have to make the noise of waves crashing upon the shore. [laughs]
Kim: This is Hannah that was shouting this?
Sequoia: Yes, she’s saying, “Here, Squiddy! Come to Hannah!” A tentacle broke the surface of the water, which should be frozen over but isn’t. Apparently, we're experiencing a heat wave. The author’s just doing whatever [laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Whatever they want, being like, eh, I don’t know this is what’s happening.
Kim: There’s a Yule Ball going on because I want it to. The water’s not frozen because whatever.
Sequoia: I don’t know! [laughs]
Kim: Here we go! Squid!
Sequoia: “I want to go to the ball with you!” she screamed at the squid. The squid plunged into the depths of the lake.
Kim: He’s like, you bothered me for this shit? You didn't even bring any toast?
Sequoia: [laughs] Everyone knows that the way to get the… the squid to hang out with you is to bring toast.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Or to make the sound of waves crashing upon the shore.
Kim: Preferably both.
Sequoia: [laughs] The squid plunged into the depths of the lake. “I don't believe it!” shrieked Hannah, stomping her foot. “I was shut down by a squid?!” “Hannah?” called a voice over the snow bank, “What are you doing?”
Kim: Yeah, that's a great question. [Sequoia laughs] Is Hannah just asking the squid to the dance because she's not allowed to? Is Hannah a rebel?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, she's just trying to… she's just trying to do it because it's the number one rule. Clearly.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: When Dumbledore announced the Yule Ball, he was like, all right, Yule Ball has a couple of rules. Rule number one, you cannot bring the squid as a date to the Yule Ball.
Kim: It will not fit into the castle. [Sequoia laughs] What… what is your plan here?
Sequoia: “Justin!” cried Hannah, spinning around so fast she promptly tumbled into a snow drift. “Hannah, I… did you just do what I thought you did?” “Maybe.”
Kim: Did you just trip over nothing?
Sequoia: [laughs] No, did you just ask the squid to the dance?
Kim: Oh, that's normal and unsurprising of Hannah.
Sequoia: Oh, right, right, no. “Were… were you gonna ditch me for the giant squid?!”
Kim: [splutters with laughter] Oh, no, Justin! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Plot twist!
Kim: Oh, no! I’d rather go to the dance with the squid than you, Justin! [Sequoia laughs] Aw, poor buddy.
Sequoia: Oh, man. “I was considering all the possibilities?”
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: “But a squid?!” “I think he has a nice personality.”
Kim: Not just… not just any squid. This is
Both: THE…
Kim: …squid.
Sequoia: …giant squid.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Of legend. [laughs]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “I think he has a nice personality?” Hannah stuttered, trying to cover it up. “That's it!” yelled Justin.
Kim: Did she… did she not think that this confrontation was ever going to happen? Like, what happens if that plan succeeds, and she shows up to the ball with the squid in front of Justin?
Sequoia: Yeah. I don't know. I don't think she thought this out super well, first off.
Kim: Hm. Seems like she didn't. Yeah.
Sequoia: She seemed mad that the squid had turned her down, which means that she showed up thinking that the squid wouldn't turn her down.
Kim: Yep. She’s like, no one would turn me, Hannah Abbot, down for the ball!
Sequoia: [laughs] She really thought she had that one in the bag.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And the squid surprised her by saying no, so I think that she planned to show up to the ball with the squid and for the… for Justin to…
Kim: Melt of jealousy?
Sequoia: Try to beat the squid up? [both laugh] Just try to get Justin and the giant squid into a fight. [laughs]
Kim: Or Dumbledore’s like, there was… there was just one fucking rule! You pieces of shit.
Sequoia: [laughs] There was one rule! “That’s it!” yelled Justin, throwing his hands in the air. “We’re through!”
Kim: Doesn’t sound like you were a thing to begin with, bud.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] She would have left you for the giant squid at any moment. “Fine!” “FINE!” bellowed Justin, ambling away over the snow drift. Hannah sunk back into the snow bank. Luna sat on a pile of rocks by the side of the lake, watching Hannah and Justin. She took particular enjoyment in watching Hannah tumble into the snow. She didn't like her very much.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: Rude! [chuckles]
Kim: What's Hannah done to you, Luna? Whatever.
Sequoia: Nothing! Luna stood up and pulled her cloak around her and extracted a flute from her robes and began to play.
Kim: [sputters] ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The Great… oh, passage of time. There’s a passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: The Great Hall…
Kim: Luna played the flute.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] The squid’s favorite instrument. The Great Hall had once again been transformed into a beautiful, sparkly, shimmering, shiny ice palace, and all fourth year and up were gathered around, gossiping. Hannah was sulking in sky blue dress robes with Mandy Brocklehurst and Lisa Turpin beside the doors. Mandy and Lisa were not sulking, and rather being the airheads that they were.
Kim: Rude!
Sequoia: [valley girl voice] “Like, oh, my Merlin!” squealed Lisa. [Kim laughs] “I, like, love your dress robes!”
Kim: Aww, how nice.
Sequoia: They’re being really nice to each other. [laughs]
Kim: I don’t understand why they’re so mean to them. Anyway.
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen. Hannah's just in a bad mood right now.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She just got broken up with, and the squid turned her down, so…
Kim: Okay. Maybe she shouldn’t have left it for the last minute. Now she's like third wheeling with Mandy and Lisa.
Sequoia: Yeah, Mandy and Lisa don't seem to have dates either.
Kim: I think… I think we can guess. [Sequoia chuckles] Mandy/Lisa. Why not? Those are character names I remember.
Sequoia: My two… my favorite ship. Mandy/Lisa. [both laugh]
Kim: I'm trying to combine their last names and it's not going well. Brocklerpin?
Sequoia: Brock... Brockpin.
Kim: Brockpin?
Sequoia: Brockpin. Tur…hurst.
Kim: Eww.
Sequoia: Tur… Turst. Turst? [both cry laugh] My favorite ship! Turst.
Kim: Woof.
Sequoia: Stupid. “I, like, so love your dress robes,” she said, studying the flowing fuchsia skirt that clashed horribly with Mandy's hair.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: “Shut up!” giggled Mandy, “This old thing?” [both laugh]
Kim: So cute! What?
Sequoia: Me? What? This old thing?
Kim: This…
Both: Oooh! [they laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god! They giggled, and Hannah wondered how these two ever managed to get into Ravenclaw. “I don't think green is really my color,” said Lisa fiddling with her pleated skirt. “Like, no way. It totally brings out your eyes,” commented Mandy. [both laugh]
Kim: They’re gonna make out so much as soon as Hannah leaves. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Hannah’s like, god, what the fuck is with these two? They totally suck, they're so stupid, and they're over there being like, I wish Hannah would just leave! Can she not get the clue? How did she even get into Ravenclaw?
Kim: Hannah’s not in Ravenclaw, but continue.
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. [laughs] “Don't you think so, Hannah?” “Ugh, sure.” “Hannah,” said Mandy, “You've been no fun since Justin ditched you.” “He didn’t…”
Kim: She…
Sequoia: Hmm?
Kim: He didn’t… she… she definitely… they definitely, like, weren’t going out.
Sequoia: I mean, I think they were. I think they were.
Kim: And she just asked the… what the fuck is going on with Hannah?
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m pretty sure they were dating. They were together. And then Hannah was like…
Kim: What if I went to the dance with the squid?
Sequoia: I… I can't be… [laughs] I can't be tied down! [both laugh]
Kim: Keep my options open!
Sequoia: [laughs] So she went and found the squid and tried to get a different date.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But then, yes, Justin did break up with her. [both laugh] “You’ve been no fun…”
Kim: He deserves better.
Sequoia: “...since Justin ditched you” “He didn't ditch me,” shot Hannah, “It was mutual!” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh dear.
Sequoia: It was not mutual!
Kim: That’s not how that went.
Sequoia: Just because you said fine doesn’t mean… [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Fine. Lisa snorted, “Yeah? Well, that's not what I heard.” She rolled her eyes. “I heard from Padma, who heard from Daphne Greengrass, who said that Morag told Blaise that he has it from Anthony, who was told by Wayne, that he ditched you.” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, my god! Okay, I love this so much! [Sequoia laughs] The idea that every, like, tertiary character that we never met is actually friends and just has their own thing going on? INCREDIBLE.
Sequoia: Yes. [laughs]
Kim: Also, who did Blaise hear it from and pass it to?
Sequoia: Blaise hear… okay. Daphne Greengrass told Morag, who told Blaise that he had it from Anthony, who was told by Wayne, that he ditched you. [chuckles]
Kim: Incredible. [sighs]
Sequoia: Is that hot goss! Hannah blinked. “Anyway,” said Mandy, “That's not the point.” “Yes it…” began Hannah. “Because Wayne told me that Dean Thomas said that Michael told him that… [laughs] that he heard Terry Boot tell Morag, that he heard Ernie tell some guy that you fancy Seamus Finnigan. [both laugh helplessly] My favorite… my favorite part is that so far they've been like so and so told so and so told so and so and at the end of this when they’re like, Morag, and he said Ernie tells SOME GUY [laughs].
Kim: Some guy!
Sequoia: There’s another… no. [laughs]
Kim: Was it Justin? It was Justin, wasn’t it?
Sequoia: It was Justin?
Kim: Ernie told Justin.
Sequoia: Ernie…
Kim: Don’t feel so bad about it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Some guy said that you fancy Seamus Finnigan.
Kim: Or was it… or was it Seamus?
Sequoia: Oh, it was definitely Seamus. [laughs]
Kim: Seamus is like, yeah, there are lots of people who are into me!
Sequoia: Like, uh…
Kim: I’m Seamus!
Sequoia: You know, Hannah Abbot, she’s… she’s into…
Kim: She’s… she’s into this.
Sequoia: …whomever. [laughs] Whatever. “Um, what?!” “Yeah, and that's even after Sally Anne made it perfectly clear to Susan, who told Parvati, who informed Lavender, who told me, that she saw him in Divination first, and you should BACK OFF.” [both laugh]
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: This is like… [laughs]
Kim: I think we’ve met the two co-head editors of the Hogwarts underground gossip magazine.
Sequoia: Absolutely. Gotta be our faves. Our ship. Turpin. [laughs]
Kim: I thought we were going with Turst.
Sequoia: Oh, right! It’s Turst! Turst? Turst. Turst? [Kim laughs] Turst.
Kim: Stupid!
Sequoia: Yeah. I like how Lisa was just like, you know what? I know that Justin broke up with you. And I also know that you're into Seamus Finnigan, but, like, I would not go after that because Sally Anne is crazytown. [both laugh]
Kim: Sally Anne will curse you.
Sequoia: Classic Sally Anne, honestly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Remember when he winked at us?” said Mandy, dreamily. “Anyway, the point is that you…” BOOM! CRASH! SMASH!
Kim: [groans] Oh, no! There is one rule, Luna.
Sequoia: There is one rule!
Kim: You're gonna get this dance canceled for everyone. [Sequoia laughs] Like when my school got disinvited from the Hallowe’en dance. [Sequoia laughs louder] For being too nasty.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is exactly like that. [laughs] You showed up with the giant squid.
Kim: I did.
Sequoia: Yeah. And everybody was like, god, classic Kim. BOOM! CRASH! SMASH! The doors crashed open, just missing the girls. They screamed at toppled onto the floor. Enter, giant squid. Everyone in the Great Hall stared as the squid sloshed into the hall, and atop it…
Kim: Sloshed? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, I don't think it can really survive that well outside of water.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So I assume that it's just sort of drenched.
Kim: Just really wet.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, it’s really, really wet. [laughs]
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: Sloshed into the hall, and atop it sat Luna Lovegood, her robes drenched and her butterbeer cork necklace gleaming in the light of the candles. [both laugh] She… she emerges triumphant into the Great Hall! [both keep laughing]
Kim: This is so silly. I like it.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I don't believe it!” said Mandy, staring up at the squid. “What is that little whack job trying to do?” shrieked Lisa, crawling away. Enter McGonagall. [Kim laughs] “Miss Lovegood!” she screamed. “What is the meaning of this?” “Meaning of what?” “The squid!” “Oh,” sighed Luna, “Squiddy is my date!” The end!
Kim: The end?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Squiddyyy! Squiddy!
Kim: Ohhh dear.
Sequoia: You got…
Kim: Yeah, that was really good.
Sequoia: …no points. [laughs]
Kim: No. Yeah, no. That wasn't gonna happen, bud. Come on.
Sequoia: Oh, Lisa and Mandy and Hannah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And Luna and the giant squid. And Seamus Finnigan. Ah. I like that story. [laughs] [sighs]
Kim: It’s very good. It’s very silly. Oh, man.
Sequoia: Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Kim: Wow, wow, wow. I never would’ve expected this. Nice work.
Sequoia: Thank you. I tried really hard.
Kim: Nice finds.
Sequoia: I tried really… I tried really hard.
Kim: I’m proud of you. Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] For the listeners and their disgusting obsession with squids. There's been, like, one person who tweeted at us or something, and was, like, can you please stop? [both laugh] It was email. We got an email. [both keep laughing] It was like, I don’t… no more squid content, please. [more laughter]
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: Well.
Kim: It’s squid month.
Sequoia: It’s… it’s squid month. You may never get squid content again, because we've [laughs] exhausted it.
Kim: Speaking of exhausting squid content, are you ready for a segment?
Sequoia: Oh, it's time for a quick…
Kim: HOLD FOR THE SQUID, PLEASE!
Sequoia: Ohhh! [both laugh] Oh, no!
Kim: It’s some Kim squid content inside of a Sequoia squid content episode.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Kim: So, here's the thing, everyone. At the end of squid… our squid month episode last year, I put out a call for help. Because in the squid/tower of Isengard story the author was like, this was based on this fanfiction, and they named a fucking fanfiction, and I could not find it.
Sequoia: Ooh, yes!
Kim: Right? So, huge shout out to Karolien? Karolien? I'm not sure how it's pronounced, but huge shout out to you, for… for having the frankly brilliant idea to go to the internet archive to find this story.
Sequoia: Oh! Nice!
Kim: So I present to you, Sequoia, and you, the listeners, The Squid And Hogwarts: They Are The Happy.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Kim: Subtitle, Squidwarts foreva!
Sequoia: [screaming] Aaaahhh!
Kim: I had this prepped thinking you weren't going to do any squid content.
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: So we could squeeze some in.
Sequoia: No, this episode… [laughs] this episode is truly cursed.
Kim: Now I refuse to let it go to waste. [both laugh]
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: So here we go.
Sequoia: Bring it on.
Kim: Oh, this is a story from the early 2000s. [laughs]
Sequoia: Sweet.
Kim: [laughs] This might be the original. I don't know.
Both: Who's to say?
Kim: The squid swished its tentacles around in the lake and gazed soulfully up at the hulking shape of Hogwarts, wondering if it felt the same way. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It does.
Kim: Does it?
Sequoia: It does.
Kim: Squid dimly remembered a time, long ago, when the school had seemed much bigger, more imposing. Squid had been a mere squidlet then.
Sequoia: [laughs] Is that what baby squids are called?
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: I don’t know. I’m not a squid biologist. [laughs]
Kim: We wouldn’t know. There’s no way for us to know. [both laugh] But he had grown. Oh, how he had grown. [laughs] And as he grew…
Sequoia: No, I don’t like that.
Kim: …Hogwarts began to look more and more beautiful with every passing day.
Sequoia: Of course. Mhm. Sure. [laughs]
Kim: Squid loves Hogwarts!
Sequoia: Squid/Hogwarts.
Kim: Hogwarts… you know what? You look at Hogwarts and you’re like, damn! That’s a hot school! [Sequoia laughs loudly] Right? That’s a normal thought to have.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah! [laughs] Great.
Kim: Squid sighed and made wet noises…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …with his beak and the tips of his tentacles.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No? [laughs]
Sequoia: Nope. Hate that. [both laugh]
Kim: Fantasizing about the gloriously long hard towers and solid ramparts.
Sequoia: Yikes!
Kim: If only Hogwarts liked Squid.
Sequoia: Ohhh. Gross.
Kim: What?! [both laugh] And then we have a perspective shift.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Hogwarts sat still on a hill and acted like a castle. Perspective shift back. Eventually, the squid worked up the courage to snake a tentacle out onto the land, waving seductively up at the gothic windows.
Sequoia: [laughs] Florb. Florb. Florb.
Both: Florb. Florb. Florb.
Kim: Look at me, castle. [both laugh] He could have sworn the castle made a lewd and gesture with its towers in response.
Sequoia: [weakly] It can’t. It didn’t. It can’t. It w… okay. [laughs]
Kim: What? Are you sure? What if it did?
Sequoia: It just moved the towers around. Excellent.
Kim: It probably didn't. [laughs] He oozed up out of the lake, easing his massive bulk up onto the lawn, flailing tentacles, throwing water through windows all over the school. [Sequoia groans] He heaved himself forward, inch by inch, drawing ever closer to the impossibly attractive hulk of stone. [Sequoia laughs, then groans] Squid…
Sequoia: Yeah, it is. It is impossible. Thank you, Squid. Thank you.
Kim: [laughs] Impossibly attractive castle! No?
Sequoia: Hot castle. Hot castle. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, baby! Eventually, he made it to the entrance and snaked tentacles through open windows, wreaking havoc with interior decorating and heaving himself up the walls until he had made it finally to the roofs. [Sequoia groans again] He paused for a moment, breathing heavily, then eyed the tower next to him with barely disguised lust.
Sequoia: Yikes.
Kim: Perspective shift. Hogwarts stood perfectly still and acted like a castle. [both laugh] We're going to switch again. Moments later, “Oh god, what is it doing?!” screamed Hermione [Sequoia laughs] staring up at the squid…
Sequoia: No!
Kim: …lowering itself with squishy wet noises, onto the Herbology tower
Sequoia: Ugh! Urgh! Agh!
Kim: I don’t think the Herbology room is in a tower.
Sequoia: It’s not. It’s… it’s a greenhouse. And not even in the castle, so…
Kim: Squishy wet noises.
Sequoia: Gross!
Kim: Onto the towers of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Okay. Mhm.
Kim: “Um…” answered Dumbledore. “You see, when a squid loves a castle very much…” The end.
Sequoia: Wow! Ugh.
Kim: Sequoia. The Squid And Hogwarts. They Are The Happy!
Sequoia: [laughs] They are the happy.
Kim: They are THE HAPPY!
Sequoia: The happy. Oh my god! Wow. [Kim laughs] I do want to believe that that's the one that started it all.
Kim: I’m not even sure that it is. There's a note here at the top from the author that says, now seems like a good time to remind you all of the OTP.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: How deep does this rabbit hole go?! Is there enough of it left in the Internet Archive for us to find it?
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: I'm not gonna look. It's up to you, the listeners.
Sequoia: Oh, man! You've been tasked, listeners.
Kim: Keep looking.
Sequoia: Go forth.
Kim: It might exist. [laughs]
Sequoia: Wow. Wow.
Kim: Oh, thank you so much for sending that to me. That was a truly inspired idea to look in the archives. I never would have thought of that. [Sequoia sighs] Who would have archived… why is this archived?
Sequoia: I don’t know, man. Because they understood that in the future, that all we would want and all we would need is to know where it… where it came from.
Both: Where we came from.
Sequoia: [laughs] Is to know. [both laugh] Oh, they knew in the future…
Kim: [sighs] Incredible.
Sequoia: Squid month would require…
Kim: More squid content. Oh dear.
Sequoia: All the squid content we could get. Okay. Let’s go…
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: …to another segment.
Kim: Segment. Namely…
Both: …THE REC ZONE! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Sequoia: Today I have a recommendation for you that does not involve the giant squid. [Kim laughs] I shall give you respite from this awful thing that we’ve done to you. I apologize. I don’t apologize. Here is my recommendation.
Kim: Yep. You did this.
Sequoia: I did this. This was my fault. My recommendation is called Weasley. Percy Weasley. And it is, naturally, a [both laugh] Percy/Oliver fanfiction, because I…
Kim: Is Percy a spy? What’s happening?
Sequoia: Yes. Percy is a spy [Kim laughs] He’s a… he also… he coordinates… is a spy. He coordinates other spies. One of the spies he coordinates is Oliver Wood, who refuses to… refuses to do his, like, debriefing in...
Kim: His DEBRIEFING.
Sequoia: Ah, Jesus.
Both: Heeeeey!
Sequoia: I hate you. [both laugh] He refuses to tell Percy all of his intel unless they go to dinner together, so they go to dinner together all the time.
Kim: Unless they debrieeeef.
Sequoia: [laughs] And the waitress thinks they're a couple, and it's very fun.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: It's very fun.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: That was a listener submission. It was sent to me by Vanessa, so thank you for sending in that story. I liked it a lot. So much that here is, it's our recommendation today.
Kim: Cool. That sounds really good. Thank you.
Sequoia: You can find a link to that recommendation in the description of this episode. You can also find it on the recommendations page of our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com. Also on our website you can find our story submission form. If you go down the squid rabbit hole and find us more squid content, send it in through the form, I guess.
Sequoia: Sure. [both laugh] Also, there is some merch. There's merch on our website and there's also a link to our TeePublic where there is much more merch, including some squid merch by now, probably, or in the near future.
Kim: You can also find us on social media. We're on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, @FanaticalFics.
Sequoia: If you have any longer thoughts, email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Tell us about your OCs from back in the day. Sign up for trick everyone 2020. Get involved in our transcription team.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help this podcast out, there are a few ways you can do that. The aforementioned trick everyone 2020 campaign is ongoing.
Sequoia: You can also leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook or anywhere else you can find that will receive a review about our podcast.
Kim: [laughs] Sure. The third thing you can do is if you really liked this podcast, you can check out our Patreon. We've got all kinds of cool stuff going on. Man, our Discord is active. [Sequoia laughs] It's a little frightening, I like them all so much.
Sequoia: Yeah. Can’t keep up.
Kim: There is some good cursed content being created in there.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! Speaking of Patreon, at certain tiers if you are a patron for six months you get shouted out on the podcast with a couple of other patrons in the form of a story summary. Go for it.
Kim: Care of Magical Creatures has never been Ernie’s best subject, but when he comes across a weird creature during his morning constitutional around the Hogwarts grounds one day, he's pretty sure that large yellow rats with red cheeks aren't included in any edition of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: When a strange trio of people and a talking cat…
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: …land their hot air balloon nearby and demand that Ernie turn over the rat, his split second decision to protect the creature will change his life. Can Ernie help Pikachu get home? And once he does, what will happen if he starts to feel the desire to be… the very best? [Sequoia laughs] Like no one ever was. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ahh! Thank you so much to our patrons, Ann Russell, Camille Winslow, Sarah Lund, Molly Berardi, Katherine Corsene, and Megan Randolph. I hope you liked that! [both laugh]
Kim: Thanks as well to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, it's their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Both: BYYYEEEE!