Episode 79: Harry Potter and the Last Battle
This story is a tale as old as 21 yrs and we are living for it.
Recommendation: The Weasley Sneezes
https://archiveofourown.org/works/740318
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Belinda
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: What’s your favorite episode of Pokémon? I really liked the one where they shipwrecked on the island and there were all those big Pokémon and they were like, oh no! All these Pokémon are really big!
Sequoia: I’ve never seen Pokémon.
Kim: And then they turned out they weren’t real Pokémon.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: But you know what else was a really good episode?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: When they found those other really giant Pokémon and…
Sequoia: I am not interested.
Kim: Well, they didn’t find them. They, like, grew.
Sequoia: Why are you doing this?
Kim: And then they got real big.
Sequoia: Stop. Stop! [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start to confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello. I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Podcast.
Kim: Fanfiction.
Sequoia: [laughing] Fanfiction. Welcome to the podcast, everybody.
Kim: It’s good to have you all here.
Sequoia: First things first… [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Good to have everyone here. Welcome to the pod. It’s been a rough couple of weeks over in the Harry Potter fandom. So we just wanted to reiterate until the end of time that trans women are women and trans men are men and non-binary people are non-binary. And your identity is valid and beautiful and we love you.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Do you want to tell them about our stuff?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Do you remember what our stuff is? [holds back laughter]
Kim: [laughs] Here at Fanatical Fics we support all of our queer and trans listeners, and as part of that, a few months ago when stuff hit the fan last time, we announced that we were going to be donating ten percent of our Patreon proceeds for the next six months from that split between the Trevor Project and the Harry Potter Alliance.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: We are announcing now, we’re at the end of that six months, coincidentally. We are announcing right now that we are going to extend that indefinitely.
Sequoia: Yep. So as long as we have Patreon we will be donating ten percent of our Patreon proceeds to the Trevor Project and the Harry Potter Alliance.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And that’s that. A couple of other things we wanted to talk about in the world of wonderful fandom. We got an email that I need to address. [both laugh]
Kim: Cool. I check our email and I know what we are about to talk about.
Sequoia: [laughs] I also… okay, wait. No, I’ll talk about that in a minute. First this email. [trying to not to laugh] Someone, after listening to Willow’s Thorn…
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: They’ve been like… they’ve been thinking they wanted to email us, you know?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They were like, how can I email them? I’ll write for a hold for the end please or a story time fic or something like that. And then they heard Willow’s Thorn and they were like, here’s the thing I need to talk about my OC from back in the day that I came up with. [Kim laughs] And I’m like, yes. Bring… bring it to us. Thank you.
Kim: All right. Lay it on us.
Sequoia: So. Meet Scarlett Nightshade, Albus Dumbledore’s secret child.
Kim: [pause] Ohhhh that name!
Sequoia: Oh, that name is so fucking good. I cannot. [both laugh] Clearly her mother was murdered by Death Eaters when she was a baby.
Kim: Yeah. Who was…
Sequoia: And they took her… she got taken to Hogwarts and Dumbledore sent her to be raised by the house elves in the kitchens.
Kim: WHAT?!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Oh, that’s… WHAT?!
Sequoia: Yeah! And then…
Kim: Dumbledore was like fuck this kid. I don’t know how to deal with children. [Sequoia laughs] I guess I’ll give her to the slaves.
Sequoia: Exactly! And then she…
Kim: WHAT?!
Sequoia: And then she could use house elf magic and she could apparate in and out of Hogwarts.
Kim: Oh! OH SHIT! That’s really good!
Sequoia: Ohhhhhh!
Kim: Oh man, that is some… that is a way to give your character extra powers whilst staying in canon and I am about it! [Sequoia laughs] Holy shit!
Sequoia: I knew that you would love that. I knew that would be just right up your…
Kim: Oh what the fuck? That’s good!
Sequoia: And apparently she didn’t fall for either Draco or Harry and was therefore able to dramatically turn them down.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: And when she discovered her true heritage she went and killed the Dark Lord. And then Dumbledore was like, my daughter! And she was like fuck you! [laughs] And then she moved to America. [Kim laughs] AHHHHHH!
Kim: Oh wow that’s a really… that’s really good.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Incredible.
Kim: Her true heritage.
Sequoia: I’m very sad to hear from this listener that they think that they deactivated their fanfiction.net account. So…
Kim: Ohhh. It’s gone.
Sequoia: They deleted everything from it…
Kim: That’s a shame
Sequoia: …and marked it as deactivated, and so all of that is gone. It makes me think of all my stuff that’s gone. Yeah.
Kim: Right? So much stuff has been lost to time and it is such a tragedy. Every piece of fanfiction that got lost is a little piece of our history that’s gone.
Sequoia: [chuckling] Yeah. It’s true. It’s sad. Shedding a tear for it. And I’m…
Kim: Pour a little out for fanfiction. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And I’ve got… we also… so I was looking over in our Reddit.
Kim: Okay. Right, we have a subreddit.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: They were really sad that the reviews portion was going away.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: And here’s the thing. Gotta remind… the reviews portion is not necessarily gone forever. It will be resurrected for specific [chuckling] reviews.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So I… I’d like to point out two reviews today. Is that okay? [both laugh]
Kim: Go ahead.
Sequoia: Okay. I would like to point out a review from… shout out to smileyjune7, who says that not only did we help them recover from the shame of reading fanfiction, but it’s helped them get the courage to write and to post that fanfiction online!
Kim: HELL YEAH!
Sequoia: And we are so about that. Thank you so much smileyjune7.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: We’re so happy we could help you in your fanfiction journey. And especially at times like this it's like, write that fanfiction that you want to see in this world, you guys.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: Write it. It’s all... it’s you. It’s you. And then I also wanted to…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Speaking of… this… okay, I wasn’t even going to shout out this review, and then you keep being like, I read our emails. We have a subreddit. [both laugh]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: We got this review from julieandthepandapogos.
Kim: Uhuh.
Sequoia: Who said a bunch of nice stuff and that we’re the best, and then said, “Without Sequoia I guess there wouldn’t be a podcast and Kim adds a lot of crazy vibes.” [both laugh] And I feel like we’ve been seen. [continues laughing]
Kim: Oh, man! I think I’ve been pretty upfront that I’m only here to shitpost into the microphone. [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: But you add a lot of crazy vibes! [the laughter continues]
Kim: Okay. Sure.
Sequoia: Thank you julieandthepandapogos for looking at us and for seeing us. [Kim laughs] And who we truly are. Well, that was all the stuff that I had to say.
Kim: That was some good stuff.
Sequoia: Should we read fanfiction right now? Or do you have anything else to… to say?
Kim: Do I ever have anything? Come on. You just… we just covered this.
Sequoia: True. True.
Kim: Please read me some fanfiction.
Sequoia: I feel like the only thing you had to say was what your favorite Pokémon episodes were, and I was not here for it. [laughs]
Kim: There’s a lot of good episodes of Pokémon from the first season. I also really like the one with the dolls. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I think I’ve seen one episode of Pokémon ever. [laughs]
Kim: Or the one where Misty does a live show in her gym. So good.
Sequoia: Wow. [chuckling]
Kim: I love that episode. That’s a really good one.
Sequoia: Are we going to bring up Pokémon in every episode now? [both laugh]
Kim: Who knows?
Sequoia: This fanfiction podcast has big Pokémon energy. Okay.
Kim: We could aspire to that.
Sequoia: Let’s… I guess I’ll read you a fanfiction now.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay? You’re going to make some predictions. All of you.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Everyone.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: Everyone who is listening.
Kim: Yes. We’re all going to make three predictions about what we think is going to happen in this fanfiction. Together as a team. And I don’t apologise for last time. I think I did pretty solidly misdirect people about the Evans/Ethan thing and I’m not sorry about that.
Sequoia: You did! [laughs] You did do that.
Kim: I tried to hint we haven’t been INTROduced, ‘cause in the…
Sequoia: [laughing] You did. You did.
Kim: In the back half we did get official INTROductions.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: Stupid. Not sorry. Anyway give me my clues.
Sequoia: All right. Everyone making predictions make sure to tweet them at us using #FanficDivination or answer our question on our Instagram story. Here we go. This is Harry Potter and the Last Battle. It is…
Kim: I love… I love fanfiction stories that go with the Harry Potter and the whatever garbage title format.
Sequoia: Yeees! It’s so good.
Kim: Excellent choice.
Sequoia: It’s so good.
Kim: And the final battle? That’s what it said?
Sequoia: Harry Potter and the Final Battle.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: It's fantasy/adventure. Here’s the thing my dude. I… I just about had a complete one hundred percent breakdown about this like immediately, because I kid you fucking not my dude. This was written in 1999!
Kim: [gasps] Whaaat?!
Sequoia: Yes! This was post Prisoner of Azkaban, pre Goblet of Fire.
Kim: Where the hell did you find this?
Sequoia: This was sent in by a listener. This was sent to us by Sylvia. Thank you Sylvia. I am… I am… I am… I can’t.
Kim: Okay. So somebody post Prisoner of Azkaban was trying to predict how they thought the final battle was gonna go?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Fucking nuts! Okay. Wow. This is hard to… okay. [Sequioa laughs] How do I even put myself in that headspace?
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: [sighs] This is hard. Ummm. [pause] I’m gonna guess that Dumbledore kills Voldemort.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Sirius dies in this.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And… there's a tragic romance cut short in this by death.
Sequoia: Ooooh. Okay. Okay.
Kim: I think the tags don’t really support that, but I’m gonna guess it anyway.
Sequoia: We might have to talk about that one.
Kim: Oh nice! [Sequoia laughs] Pew pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: Okay. Let’s get started on this. Let’s… let’s do this.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Harry Potter and the Last Battle. A seventh year Harry sighed as he turned another page of Powerful Countercurses to Powerful Curses. [both laugh]
Kim: It’s a good thing he’s worked his way up to the powerful ones.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Ah yeah. He was, previously to this book, he was reading Powerful Countercurses to Medium Curses.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And power… and then Medium Countercurses to Medium Curses. You know.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: You kinda… you have to get all…
Kim: Yeah, there’s a whole series. It’s a… it’s a big series and he did only learn the spell in Easy Countercurses to Easy Curses. [Sequoia laughs] He only knows one spell.
Sequoia: He only knows one spell. He was turning the pages, wishing he didn't have to be looking for the counterspell his mother used to save him.
Kim: Huh. Okay. Not a spell, but fine. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [chuckling] He’s looking for it for some reason.
Kim: I don’t wanna be doing research, said Harry. That’s boring!
Sequoia: I wanna be playing Quidditch.
Kim: That’s Hermione work! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, it’s… Hermione’s here, don’t worry.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: She’s also doing research.
Kim: Well, yeah.
Sequoia: But it was one of his few chances against Voldemort, who was reportedly rising back to power. I… I really like that the author thought that it was going to take until Harry's seventh year before Voldemort was rising back to power. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, I think none of us could’ve really foreseen how hard shit hit the fan in book four.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: It got real dark, real fast.
Kim: Who expected that turn then?
Sequoia: Mm mm.
Kim: The books had given no indication, prior to that, that that was going to happen.
Sequoia: Nope. [both laugh] Next to him, Hermione was looking through Who's Who in Hogwarts, to see…
Kim: Extra Powerful Countercurses to Extra… [both laugh] sorry. No, what’s she reading? Because that sounds fucking useless.
Sequoia: Who’s Who in Hogwarts.
Kim: Hermione’s reading the Hogwarts Hearsay. Wait a second, is that from a Patreon episode?
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Oh. Whoops. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Hermione’s reading a gossip column. [both laugh] To see if she can find…
Kim: In the underground student newspaper. Excellent. [Sequioa still laughing] You’re making Harry research like actual shit, and you’re like hmm, Seamus and Dean are still going out. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Yeah definitely. I would definitely see her getting her hands on Powerful Countercurses to Powerful Curses.
Kim: Oh she’s already read that! Come on.
Sequoia: Oh right. Right, right, right. Jeez, sorry. But years ago. Actively. Years ago. [Kim laughs] To see if Harry’s mom’s spell was mentioned there.
Kim: What? Oh. What? No. What?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, she’s reading…
Kim: Hermione has read every other book in the library, she’s like well, I haven't read this one yet.
Sequoia: [laughs] Gotta be, because why would Who’s Who in Hogwarts have some powerful countercurses in it?
Kim: Yeah. I haven’t read this gossip magazine that I found underneath one of the bookshelves yet. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Good old Hermione, Harry thought. He had hoped that Ron would also help him look for helpful spells, but Ron was too busy going on a date with Lavender Brown.
Kim: Oh noooo. That’s fucking rude.
Sequoia: [laughs] I feel like there’s a lot… this author has seen a lot into the future of Harry Potter.
Kim: I don’t know. I think it's pretty common for Ron to get shipped with Lavender if you’re trying to get him away from Hermione before Luna was introduced as a character.
Sequoia: That’s true. That’s true. This is before Luna.
Kim: There are very few women to choose from!
Sequoia: [chuckling] That’s…
Kim: Around…
Sequoia: That’s very true.
Kim: Between three…
Both: …and four.
Kim: Like, who else do you have?
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s very true.
Kim: Lavender.
Sequoia: But Ron’s too busy.
Kim: Ron also talks about Lavender’s butt once, so, you know.
Sequoia: [laughing] He does!?
Kim: Do you not remember? In divination he’s like…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: …yeah, I wanna see your anus. Or show us your anus Lavender. Right? That happened.
Sequoia: Ohhh right!
Sequoia: Oh that does happen.
Kim: So obviously…
Sequoia: I just read that book. [laughs]
Kim: …they’re gonna make out.
Sequoia: Ohhh yep. Oh man. Yeah, Ron… Ron’s too busy.
Kim: Ron’s not helping.
Sequoia: No. He’s going on a date with Lavender.
Kim: That’s so…
Sequoia: He’s not helping Harry defeat the Dark Lord.
Kim: Fine. Whatever. That’s fucked.
Sequoia: He’s busy.
Kim: But whatever.
Sequoia: He’s busy.
Kim: That’s fucked.
Sequoia: Harry figured that Ron would pop the question soon, as the year was almost over.
Kim: Groaty.
Sequoia: But really, what kind of best friend would leave him at a time like this?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Harry looked over the page and gasped. "What is it, Harry? Did you find the spell?" Hermione had looked up from her book. "This book only mentions that there was a counterspell, but not what it is, so it better be in there." [Kim laughs] Who’s Who in Hogwarts mentions that there was a counterspell.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Just not the spell itself.
Kim: Fine. Why would it men… fine. [Sequoia laughs] I didn’t…
Sequoia: "Here it is, Hermione!” Mhm. Sorry, did you have something else to say?
Kim: I was gonna talk about how weird it is how much knowledge gets lost and not taught in like school, and they spend so much time, like, researching stuff.
Sequoia: I mean, there’s…
Kim: Like, they have to go actively search for information every book. [Sequioa laughs] What’s the point of being in school?
Sequoia: I mean, they’re usually doing stuff that’s beyond their year in school.
Kim: True. I guess so.
Sequoia: And also there’s no wizard college.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So it’s hard to… [laughs]
Kim: They just have to go to regular community college?
Sequoia: There’s just seven years…
Kim: And then you never learn again.
Sequoia: There’s just seven years of some magic, and then you never learn again. [laughs] Unless you actively seek out some books.
Kim: Research is important. Fine. Whatever. Continue.
Sequoia: "Here it is, Hermione! I found it!" Harry was now…
Kim: I just… it seems like this kind of spell would be, like, mentioned frequently. Like, oh, there’s a way to prevent getting murdered. And then we’ll… and we’ll teach you how to do it.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. You would think so.
Kim: Not in one esoteric tome. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: Squirreled away in the library.
Sequoia: Apparently there’s… there’s a way to not ever die that nobody seems to know about.
Kim: Yeah, but that’s evil. They can't know about that ‘cause it’s evil.
Sequoia: Right, but you’d think that people would just know.
Kim: But you can’t know. If you know that that’s possible then you’ll try to do it. And it’s evil.
Sequoia: That’s true. That’s true.
Kim: Gotta censor that knowledge. [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: What? [both laugh] Harry was now attracting a lot of strange stares from the other Gryffindors in the common room. "Let me see that!" Hermione reached for the book and read the entry. “The most powerful spell that can be used against the Dark Arts is not even a spell at all.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “If you love someone, truly or unconditionally, enough to die for them, then the person who would die will be saved. If the person who was saved can show their love for the person back before the break of the next day, the person who died will live again.”
Kim: Huh. Okay.
Sequoia: So if you… if you do the… if you do the Lily Potter thing but then the person you saved is able to show their love for you, then you will also live. No one dies.
Kim: Okay. You know what? I’m fine with that.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: That checks out. It does suck that Harry didn’t love his mom enough to do that.
Sequoia: [laughs] He was a baby. He couldn’t. [Kim laughs] There’s no… there’s no… there seems to be a vagueness around what showing your love means.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Or is.
Kim: Yeah. Sure.
Sequoia: So apparently because he was a baby he just couldn't…
Kim: Do that.
Sequoia: …vocalise?
Kim: Articulate it well enough. [both laugh] Ohhh no. Oh no.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah, no, this checks out well enough. I’m in still.
Sequoia: Okay. Great. This is where we take a turn of some type. Here we go.
Kim: Great. What I don’t like is when fanfictions are like, it was a literal spell.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: That Lily did.
Sequoia: Loveada Kedavra.
Kim: Yeah. Exactly.
Sequoia: [chuckling] No, they’re going along the same lines of like, it’s love and love will save you. And whatever.
Kim: Sure. Sure.
Sequoia: But everyone… everyone in this story has a really hard time with like vagueness and then like too specific. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Please just continue.
Sequoia: Okay. So Hermione’s just read out what this spell is, and now she’s going to say something to Harry.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “But do you think Cho would risk her life for you?" Hermione asked.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: See!
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Real specific. Just like real… just like zeroed right in.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Because apparently they’re dating. Here we go. That question took Harry…
Kim: But why… why would… why would Cho be the one that has to do it?
Sequoia: Oh, just Cho.
Kim: What? Why can’t Harry do it? What?
Sequoia: Only…
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That seems like a lot of responsibility to put on Cho.
Sequoia: Exactly. Here’s the thing.
Kim: She does her best.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. [laughs]
Kim: Hey, Cho. If you’re not literally ready to literally die for me, we can’t date any more, I guess. [Sequoia laughs] I’m Harry Potter.
Sequoia: I’m like, are you not paying attention to the original reason you were looking for this spell? There was a mother's love there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You could also have like a friendship love.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You could also have like a… but no. They just like immediately…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Hermione zeroes right in.
Kim: Hermione’s like, we have to kill Cho Chang. [both laugh]
Kim: And Cho’s like, [drawling, with intense vocal fry] ahh, excuse me, I think I’m out, actually.
Sequoia: [laughing] Also, I love how they're like, okay, in order to defeat the Dark Lord, all we have to do is have Harry survive the killing curse again.
Kim: Again!
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh] That’ll do the trick! Did a great job the first time. Really… [both keep laughing]
Kim: Maybe the resurrection love part kills whoever did the trying to kill. You don’t know.
Sequoia: Oh. You’ll see. You’ll know. You’ll get there.
Kim: Oh, dear lord.
Sequoia: You’ll get there.
Kim: Dear lord.
Sequoia: [laughs] So Hermione’s asking if Cho would risk her life. The question took Harry off guard. He was not sure that Cho loved him any more, as she was just starting to point out other guys and not being very considerate to him when his scar started to hurt a lot. Cho’s like, oh man, have you seen Draco Malfoy today? [both laugh] And then Harry’s like, but my scar hurts. And she’s like, I don’t care! Have you seen…
Kim: Who the fuck gives a shit about that! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Have you seen Draco today? [both laugh]
Kim: I’m not sure Cho likes me so much any more.
Sequoia: [laughing] It came to him right now in this moment. Harry! [Kim sighs] Harry!
Kim: [laughs] Cho’s his first girlfriend. He doesn’t know any better.
Sequoia: He doesn’t. But they were still going out, since their sixth year, and nothing major had happened, so he really did not know. "I don`t know, Herm. I'm still pretty sure…”
Kim: Fuck!
Sequoia: [laughs] What? You don’t like that nickname?
Kim: Nooooo!
Sequoia: “I don’t know, Herm, but I’m still pretty sure she would.” He’s like, I’m not sure she loves me, but I’m pretty sure she does.
Kim: [in a strained voice] She’d probably die for me?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Most people would probably die for me, Hermione.
Sequoia: Right? I’m…
Kim: I’m the chosen one.
Sequoia: …Harry Potter, sooo?
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Hermione gave Harry a strange look, but didn't say anything except that maybe they should look for another spell.
Kim: Oookay. Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione. Hermione. You’re supposed to be so smart. Also, how is this not the last ditch effort? Like, another spell? We’re looking for another spell. You haven’t exhausted all avenues before coming to this conclusion?
Kim: [laughs] Well it worked last time.
Sequoia: [laughs] No! It didn’t!
Kim: It worked well enough last time.
Sequoia: Buy him some more time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh my god. A passage of time.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: The basilisk he had encountered in his second year was back. It had captured Ron and Hermione. [Kim laughs] What? [Kim keeps laughing] What?
Kim: [still laughing] I’m sorry.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What!?
Sequoia: I don’t know what your problem is here. [laughs]
Kim: Let’s look for spells to kill the Dark Lord. Smash cut to, the basilisk is back! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Listen, we’ve got places to go.
Kim: Did… no, wait. Okay. Did the love spell work on the basilisk? The basilisk died to protect Tom Riddle? [Sequoia laughs] And Tom Riddle showed his love and so the basilisk came back. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Umm. No. [both keep laughing]
Kim: Oh, we’ve got to tie… we gotta tie the second book into stuff more. Here. Urghhh the basilisk is back. And it’s got Ron and Hermione.
Sequoia: It’s back! [both laugh]
Sequoia: It captured them.
Kim: Nuts. Okay, I guess. What?
Sequoia: Cho took one look at the scene and vanished.
Kim: Smart.
Sequoia: Yeah. Me too, Cho. Me too.
Kim: Fuck this shit. I’m outtie!
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry muttered a few words in Parseltongue, and the basilisk vanished. [Kim gasps with laughter] [Sequoia also laughs]
Kim: Sequoia, I don’t think I can handle this bullshit! What?
Sequoia: [laughs] I just need to relay to the listeners how dejected you look. [laughs] It’s very good. Okay.
Kim: The basilisk is back. Two sentences later, bye basilisk!
Sequoia: Basilisk has vanished! Professor Quirrell’s ghost appeared, and said, "He is coming! BEWARE!" and then disappeared also. Are you… are… you don’t…
Kim: I do… I don’t know how to interact with that!
Sequoia: Mmkay. I mean I… I… I feel like you should be picking up on a vibe right now.
Kim: Yeah, we’re going back through the villains of books past. Yeah?
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Yeah.
Kim: Harry has to fight the… he’s gotta do… sometimes at the end of video games you have to fight all of the bosses that you’ve fought before, before you can get to the big boss.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: You know?
Sequoia: Right. That’s not what’s happening.
Kim: You know?
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Then Voldemort came onto the scene and performed a death spell that would finish Harry off.
Kim: A death spell. Not any particular one.
Sequoia: Did we know?
Kim: Did we know what?
Sequoia: Avada Kedavra. [Kim gasps] I don’t think… I think that this author’s in the clear. I don’t think we knew what the killing curse was.
Kim: Oh shhhit!
Sequoia: At this time period.
Kim: I think you’re right. That’s baller. Nice.
Sequoia: Right? [laughs]
Kim: Okay, how the hell am I supposed to put myself in the head space of just the first three books? [both laugh]
Kim: It’s 2020 Sequoia! [both laugh] It’s been more… it’s been so long since this fic came out!
Sequoia: This is… this is like twenty one years old.
Kim: Yes! [both laugh] How am I supposed to deal with that?
Sequoia: [laughing] This fanfiction can legally drink alcohol in the United States. [both laugh] Oh my god. Okay. This is… you know what? This is so wonderful. I’m so happy.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Then Voldemort came onto the scene and performed a death spell that would finish Harry off.
Kim: Okay, so is this like… so… so the… the boss run theory was wrong.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Is this a holodeck simulation of the final battle?
Sequoia: Ooooh. That’s a… that’s a good guess.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But no.
Kim: Continue. [both laugh]
Sequoia: He performed a death spell, But someone flung herself in front of Harry and took the blast. Harry pondered who was this for a moment.
Kim: Harry’s… Harry’s face blind.
Sequoia: Harry’s face blind. We all know this. This is canon.
Kim: But also maybe just blind. [Sequoia laughs] Today.
Sequoia: But Voldemort took the chance and recited the words once more, but failed. Harry said a few well chosen words, and Voldemort shrieked and turned into a puddle of water.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Harry quickly disposed of it into a black hole, and was… [both laugh]
Kim: Why not just throw Voldemort into a black hole?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, it’s like, you could have thrown him into a black hole the whole time?
Kim: Harry!
Sequoia: Harry! Jesus Christ! [laughs]
Kim: Why save that?
Sequoia: Oh my…
Kim: Do that! Is that the other spell they found when they were researching?
Sequoia: I hope so. Harry quickly disposed of it into a black hole, and was about to find out who the person who saved him was, when… "Harry, wake up!”
Kim: [sighing] Oh god.
Sequoia: See, I was trying to get you… I was trying to get you into the dream space.
Kim: Right. I don’t wanna think about it was all just a dream, though. [Sequoia laughs] Because that’s sooooo boring!
Sequoia: I mean, it wasn’t all just a dream. Just this insane portion. [both laugh] Quickly disposing of Voldemort, the puddle of water, into a black hole is clearly a dream! [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know. They can use magic, Sequoia!
Sequoia: [laughs] This is now my preferred way of killing Voldemort. Is to turn him into a puddle of water…
Kim: It’s a pretty good one.
Sequoia: …and then dispose of him into a black hole. It’s better than hitting him with a pipe. Maybe.
Kim: We’ve seen some pretty good ways of killing Voldemort, though.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: We had two really good ones in that one Patreon episode.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true.
Kim: I thought.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: But I think the black hole’s gonna be an important part now. If you don’t have a black hole in your kill Voldemort plan, like, what’s even the point?
Sequoia: Yeah. What are you even doing? Do you even want to kill Voldemort? "Harry, wake up! I’ve got to tell you about my date with Lavender! Guess what happened!" Ron was furiously shaking Harry.
Kim: We did belly button stuff, it was weird. [Sequoia laughs loudly] I don’t think I liked it!
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Jesus Christ!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Damnit! [laughs] What’s wrong with you? Okay.
Kim: A lot!
Sequoia: Ron was furiously shaking Harry. "Wha… whazzat?" Harry put his glasses on and sat up. "We’re engaged! Oh my god! Harry I want to shout it to the whole world!" "Congratulations, Ron, I’m so happy for you!" Harry knew he wouldn't be going back to sleep now. "When will the wedding be?" "Doesn’t matter for now, we’ll figure out the details later. Anyway, you’ll be the best man.”
Kim: That sounds like figuring out details. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s… we’ll figure out the details later, he said. But then…
Kim: But here are all the details.
Sequoia: Yes. Exactly! [both laugh] Look, he's very excited.
Kim: Why didn’t he tell Harry he was going to propose? Like, Harry was like, I think he’s going to propose soon, but he didn’t know!
Sequoia: Yeah! You would think that Harry would be involved in this situation. Like helping him out.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Like, maybe even Hermione helping him out.
Kim: I guess Harry was busy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Looking for the summon black hole spell.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I mean, I guess since Ron wasn’t like actively helping them to defeat the Dark Lord, the least he could do was not distract them from defeating the Dark Lord.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s some… something. I guess.
Sequoia: That’s something. “Anyway, you’ll be the best man, um, I think Parvati will be the maid of honor, but I'm sure Hermione will be one of the bridesmaids. Let's see, we’ll probably have it at that grand church in Hogsmeade."
Kim: No, he’s actually planning all the details. [Sequoia laughs] The fuck, Ron?
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s so excited!
Kim: I think the colors will be red and gold. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Urgh. Getting married in your house colors? Come on. Come on.
Kim: [chuckling] No?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: I think our colors will be maroon and orange.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that sounds nice. "Whoa, slow down, Ron! I think you should run those ideas past Lavender first before you set up the whole wedding yourself!" Harry knew Ron would be excited, but he hoped that Ron would spend more time with him and Hermione now that he was officially going to marry Lavender, right?
Kim: Wow. That’s a dumb thing to think.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry’s like, now that he’s, like, locked it down, he’ll stop spending time with her and spend time with me. [both laugh]
Kim: Somebody help Harry.
Sequoia: It’s… he just doesn’t… it’s fine. I mean, clearly he’s a relationship expert because his relationship with Cho is going SO well.
Kim: Yep. It really is. Harry is getting real close to poppin’ the question himself.
Sequoia: [laughs] Honestly, that… this…
Kim: Or is he?
Sequoia: With this Harry that wouldn't surprise me.
Kim: Honestly, actually, considering, like, kind of how surprised Ron sounded when he told Harry, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lavender was the one that proposed.
Sequoia: Oh hell yeah! Nope, I’m… that’s…
Kim: That’s why it was a surprise to everyone.
Sequoia: I’m about that. I’m super about that.
Kim: Lavender was like, look Ron. I know it's really important for you and your friends to fight the Dark Lord and they need your help right now. But I… I really need to talk to you about something tonight. Can you come on this date with me please?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: It’s all coming together.
Sequoia: It’s all coming together.
Kim: It’s all coming together. [both laugh]
Sequoia: "Anyway, Ron, I have to tell you about my discovery for the counterspell my mum used against Vol… I mean You Know Who." Ron was surprised at the change of subject, but was quite interested in this new subject as well. [both laugh] Ron was like, all right, I guess we’re gonna stop fucking talking about my wedding now. Sure, dude. But I mean, I guess beating the Dark Lord is…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Is fine. It’s an okay topic.
Kim: I guess that’s important too.
Sequoia: I mean, my wedding’s going to be like off the chain, but also, like, well, killing Voldemort would be good too. [both laugh]
Kim: Silly.
Sequoia: Harry told him what he’d found and Ron, like Hermione, thought they may need to find a different spell. [both laugh] I like how all of his friends are like…
Kim: It sounds like a really bad idea.
Sequoia: Urghh. Yikes.
Kim: Yeah, like, good find, but like, how did you really not love your mom?
Sequoia: "I know that’s a big breakthrough, Harry, but with what's been going on lately, I don't think Cho’s going to stand by your side this time." Harry thought about this.
Kim: This time?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Wait. Did she stand by him last time?
Sequoia: Apparently? I like… his… his… all of his friends are like, dude, your…
Kim: Your relationship kind of sucks, buddy.
Sequoia: …relationship is not good. [deep voice] I would know because like I’m engaged now. [both laugh] Harry thought about this. He did notice that Cho had started to resent him after he and Malfoy had battled against one of Voldemort's former followers, who was starting to believe in Voldemort again. But why wouldn't she like that, except that he worked with Malfoy? He had made sure that no more trouble came from that guy. Harry really didn't have a clue. There’s a lot to unpack there.
Kim: Are we going in a Drarry direction? Are we going…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Are we…?
Sequoia: No. I’m…
Kim: Are we going in a Drarry direction?
Sequoia: We are not, and I am… I am CONVINCED that this is background Dro.
Kim: Interesting!
Sequoia: I am convinced.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Because it sounds like Harry and Draco did some, like, good fighting for the good side together, and then Harry was like…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …to Draco, was like don’t be a dick any more. And Draco was like, sure.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then maybe Cho was like, yes, he’s hot, and now he’s not a bad guy either! [both laugh] She’s like, I can dump Harry now and move on to Draco.
Kim: Dro. Dro’s a… okay. Sure. That’s weird.
Sequoia: Yeah. Gotta be background Dro. Because it’s not Drarry. I’m telling you right now.
Kim: Are you sure it would be Dro and not Dracho?
Sequoia: Or would it be...
Kim: Draycho? [Sequoia laughs] Draycho Malfoy.
Sequoia: I think it might be Draycho. [both laugh]
Kim: Uh huh. Nice! I like that.
Sequoia: I hate it. [laughs]
Kim: Well!
Sequoia: "Oh, well, Ron, I guess we'll look up another spell and see what happens." A passage of time.
Kim: Okay. Are we going to jump into the middle of another fucking basilisk fight?
Sequoia: [laughs] The bas… the basilisk that he had vanished appeared again! As did the ghost of Professor Quirrell.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: No. A passage of time. The next day, Hemione bounced up to the table at breakfast and started happily chattering. "Guess what, you guys? I'm going to be one of the bridesmaids at the wedding! I bet it's going to be so beautiful." Lavender came in and took a seat next to Ron and laced her hand in his. "Oh, honey, it's going to be so wonderful! I can’t wait!” "Me neither, my dear, me neither."
Kim: I like that Ron’s excited.
Sequoia: Yeah! I like… I like this portrayal.
Kim: I like that. It seems like their relationship’s pretty good, actually.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m not mad about it. For sure.
Kim: Yeah. It’s fine.
Sequoia: I mean, they are in their seventh… they’re still in school, so maybe they shouldn't be engaged yet.
Kim: I mean, yes. That’s bad. That’s bad. [both laugh] It’s not good.
Sequoia: But they seem nice and cute.
Kim: Wizards get married really young for some…
Both: …fucking reason.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whatever. That’s canon’s fault.
Sequoia: They continued talking about how the wedding would be, and started to begin planning when Cho Chang walked up to Harry. "Could I speak with you in private, Harry?" "Sure," Harry calmly replied, knowing full well what was about to happen. [both laugh]
Kim: Ohhh no Harry! [both laugh]
Sequoia: "Harry, you know I like you. A lot. But I just don't feel it any more, Harry."
Kim: Yeah, me neither.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know if I ever did. I’m Harry Potter. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I like that she says that I like you a lot, but I just don’t feel that I like you a lot.
Kim: Anything.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs] Harry.
Kim: I like you as a friend but like… [inhales]
Sequoia: But like, have you seen Draco today? [both laugh]
Kim: Or any day, actually.
Sequoia: [laughing] Every single day. "You’re breaking up with me, right?" "Well, yeah. Are you okay?" "Yeah, I’ll be fine. Let's get back to breakfast." "OK." [both laugh] That was it, they're done now. [laughs] All right bye Cho.
Kim: That’s how… that’s how a lot of high school… that’s more typical of high school relationships, I think.
Sequoia: That was very good.
Kim: Like, you haven’t seen your girlfriend in a while and she comes up to you at lunch time and she’s like hey, let’s stop dating. And you’re like, yeah, that checks out. [Sequoia laughs] And then you go back to your lunch.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: I’ll see ya in the hallways.
Sequoia: Ahhhh. Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Is that how life works? Wait a second.
Sequoia: Gotta get to class. [both laugh]
Kim: But that’s how that works, right? No?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes? Maybe?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Or you pass them a note mid English class so there’s no… there can’t be any, like, drama. Right?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ‘Cause they have to pretend like they haven’t read your note.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You’re like, I’m breaking up with you, and they can’t really like get mad or react or like cry because it’s the middle of English class.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Okay! [Sequoia laughs] Sure! That!
Sequoia: "What happened, Harry?" Ron asked. "We broke up. But I'm okay,” Harry quickly added, as he looked at the concerned faces. "I knew you wouldn't be with Cho.”
Kim: Now there’s no one to die for me, but I’ll be okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’ll be okay. We’ll find another spell. I’ve read about a good black hole one. [both laugh] Ohhh. "I know. I knew you wouldn't be with Cho, I saw it in my crystal ball when you started going out," Lavender chimed in.
Kim: Lavender! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yes Lavender!
Kim: That’s some good Lavender.
Sequoia: Yesssss.
Kim: Ohhhh I like it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Lavender.
Kim: It’s weird.
Sequoia: Harry thought, that's lovely to know.
Kim: [laughs] You couldn’t tell me about that at any point in time?
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry’s like, thanks for letting me in on that one, Lavender. [Kim laughs] Lavender’s crystal ball. Oh, I love it. A passage of time. Two days before the last day of school, the trio were walking down the halls at night discussing the wedding. "And you know what?”
Kim: [laughs] Are they getting married on the last day of school? That would be real good.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t… I… I don’t think we’re told that they are, but we aren’t told that they’re not. So we’re going to say yes. [laughs]
Kim: Cool. Nice. It’s why they're getting married in Hogsmeade. They’re gonna walk from their graduation ceremony to the wedding ceremony.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no!
Kim: Yikes!
Sequoia: [laughing] Yikes! Big yikes. "And you know what? All of us bridesmaids are going to be wearing these beautiful peach dresses, and..." Hermione never finished her sentence, because at that moment, they were suddenly transported to an abandoned classroom.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: They heard a low voice, and Harry recognized it immediately. "Voldemort!" Harry spun around and shouted his name. [Kim laughs] What?
Kim: This is a weird place for the final place for the battle to happen. Continue.
Sequoia: There’s like, fourth floor abandoned classroom.
Kim: Yeah! How did he get in?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Through the window? They left the window open and he just kind of wandered in.
Sequoia: [laughs] He just sort of like climbed in.
Kim: Somebody said his name fifty two times or whatever. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, well, he got in there somewhere, ‘cause he’s here now.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: The other two also turned around and donned expressions of terror. "That's right, Harry, and you MUST know what I'm about to do, [Kim laughs] as you’re the Head Boy, but I’ll tell you anyway.”
Kim: [choking back laughter] What? Wait. No. What? Uhh, what?
Sequoia: [laughing] Voldemort’s like, you’re Head Boy. You must be a very smart man. So you must know why I’m here, but I’ll just tell you in case you weren’t aware why I’m here, but you are a very smart boy. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s SO nothing.That’s nothing! Nothing!
Sequoia: Since you’re the Head Boy you must be very well informed on my need to kill you. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] I don’t understand! Okay. Continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ooft! “But I’ll tell you anyway. I’m here to kill you, once and for all.”
Kim: [snickering] No way!
Sequoia: No shit, Sherlock. [laughs]
Kim: The fuck. Voldemort?
Sequoia: [laughing] “I suppose I’ll have to kill you two also, but that’ll come later."
Kim: What? Fine.
Sequoia: Voldemort advanced toward Harry but Ron jumped in front of him. "You'll have to kill me first!" he shouted.
Kim: Awww.
Sequoia: Voldemort seized Ron by the neck with his hands…
Kim: Oh shit!
Sequoia: [holding back laughter] …but Harry cried, "Expelliarmus!" [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Think you mean Expelli…
Both: …RONmus
Kim: Whaaaaaat?! [both continue laughing] [someone claps]
Sequoia: [still laughing] Arghhhhh!
Kim: Harry only knows one spell. [Sequoia keeps laughing] I can’t!
Sequoia: Oh my god. Okay. Voldemort… and then Harry cried expelliarmus. [choking back laughter] Ron flew from his wretched hands but unfortunately into a wall, where he was knocked unconscious. [laughs]
Kim: Oh jeez. Where he did die! He broke his neck and did die.
Sequoia: [laughing] Die! Oh my god. That’s a lot. I love it.
Kim: Wow. Okay.
Sequoia: Voldemort said a few words of a deadly spell, but Harry knew it and blocked it with his counterspell he luckily had learned.
Kim: Cool. He did find a powerful countercurse.
Sequoia: He did. To… to the… to one of the deadly spells, it seems.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: But not all of the deadly curses?
Kim: One of the powerful curses.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: There are more deadly spells.
Sequoia: Than…
Kim: The black hole one’s real hard to pull off. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s really hard to get around that one. Voldemort laughed that high, evil laugh Harry unfortunately had committed to memory. "You know how much trouble you've caused me, boy? I’ll have my revenge. Revenge! It's the sweetest thing in the world next to power. There is…”
Kim: It sounds like he’s about to break into song. [Sequoia laughs] Hard core.
Sequoia: [singing] Revenge, revenge, revenge, revenge, revenge! Mhm. [both laugh]
Kim: Sounds like a… he sounds so much like a Disney villain in this and Iiiii like it.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: [laughs] So cartoony.
Sequoia: “This time I won't let you get away with it. Your mother isn't here this time, Potter. Say goodbye!” [trying not to laugh] “NO! You shan't kill Harry!" [both laugh] [through laughter] I just… can’t.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Hermione had finally regained her courage, and sprang in front of Harry.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: "Stand aside, you silly girl, stand aside!"
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: With that, Voldemort performed a deadly curse on Hermione, who was blasted several yards away.
Kim: Oh no, Hermioneeeee!
Sequoia: Oh no, Hermione. "As for you, Mr. Potter, it’s time for you to go now!" And he…
Kim: Oh. Bye.
Sequoia: [laughing] Harry’s like, okay. Bye.
Kim: I’ll just… okay, I’ll just go. You want me to…?
Sequoia: I’ll just get outta here.
Kim: I’ll just… I could leave.
Sequoia: I could get outta here.
Kim: Yeah. Okay. That’s fine.
Sequoia: I see I’ve overstayed my welcome. I’ll just go.
Kim: I’ll just go.
Sequoia: And he said the same words as he had for Hermione, but all Harry felt was a white hot pain stretch across his scar.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: "No!”
Kim: He’a got a double scar now.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] "No! It can't be! I'm weakening AGAAAIN!"
Kim: [laughing] I’m melting!
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] And then he was a puddle. No.
Kim: No? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Harry quickly shouted a spell and Voldemort was turned into ashes, which were blasted into oblivion.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: So the plan was…
Kim: He was ready for…
Sequoia: Yeah. To weaken him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then…
Kim: With the love rebound, and then to kill him once he was weakened.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm.
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s fine.
Kim: That… approximately checks out.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, if you don’t know about…
Kim: Honestly.
Sequoia: …horcruxes, all you know is that he has to become weaker.
Kim: Yeah. I think that works. That’s… that’s good. I like it.
Sequoia: I’m into it. I’m about it. Harry ran over to Ron and said a few words, and knew he would be up in a few minutes. He then went over to Hermione, who was taking in…
Kim: Really dead.
Sequoia: What, Ron? [laughs] Or Hermione?
Kim: What? Both.
Sequoia: Got it. Hermione, who was taking in what would be her last breaths.
Kim: Ohhhh. Tragic.
Sequoia: "Hermione, don’t die, I love you," he sobbed.
Kim: Oh shit!
Sequoia: Yeah! I brought you some Harmony!
Kim: I knew it was Harmony, you motherfucker. [Sequoia laughs] As soon as Ron’s not dating Hermione it’s Harmony.
Sequoia: It’s Harmony.
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s true. That’s true.
Kim: Yeah, no, if…
Sequoia: Or everyone’s real gay.
Kim: Yeah.
Kim: It’s generally…
Both: Harmony. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: If the first relationship you get is Ron with anyone but Hermione, it’s Harmony.
Sequoia: That’s true. That’s true.
Kim: Or… no. Or Dramione.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Eh. I don’t know.
Sequoia: "I love you too," Hermione replied. Harry kissed her, wishing that she would somehow pull through and live.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: "Your parents and I will watch over you, Harry. Don`t do anything that will get you into a lot of trouble.” [laughs]
Kim: [snorts] Thanks, Hermione. [Sequoia laughs] Very Hermione way to die.
Sequoia: Yeah, her dying breath she’s like… [laughs] like, follow the rules!
Kim: Stay in school! [both laugh]
Sequoia: And Hermione closed her eyes. Harry heard her stop breathing. He realized that it would soon be dawn, and remembered what he had read.
Kim: Uh huh. He decided not to fuck this one up this time, said Harry.
Sequoia: Exactly. Right, so…
Kim: I can do this.
Sequoia: But what’s already happened…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …is that he said he loved her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she said that she loved him. They kissed.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So he’s already…
Kim: Done it.
Sequoia: Done it. So…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Now that he realized that that's what he had already done, he is now going to say, “Hermione, wake up! You’re alive! Just recognize the facts!” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my gosh! [both continue laughing] Hermione’s, like I’m dying! Here I go. [coughs] The humanity! [coughs again] [Sequoia laughs] [Kim coughs] Hermione!
Sequoia: And Harry’s like, wait! You’re alive!
Kim: You’re fine! Stop that!
Sequoia: Sit the fuck up! [both keep laughing] What! Oh my god.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Incredible. Harry hoped against hope that she would arise, and then her eyes fluttered, and she saw Harry. "Oh my god! I'm alive!” [both laugh]
Kim: I can’t believe she stole Ron’s thunder like this. Like, Ron was ready to be the person on the ground getting kissed by Harry in this.
Sequoia: He was. Yeah. [Kim groans] Yeah, I know.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Both wept for joy that she was alive, and kissed again. Ron, who just woke up, stumbled toward them as they broke apart their embrace. “Come on, you guys, I think we should go to the infirmary," he slurred. "Or at least I do."
Kim: [snickers] I don’t feel so good.
Sequoia: And with that, Ron fell backwards, and Harry and Hermione carried him to Madam Pomfrey’s infirmary. "What on earth happened to you? Well, I'm going to have to take Mr. Weasley here, and I may as well have a look at that scar, it's quite a sight!"
Kim: What on… what on earth happened? How the hell did Voldemort get into the fucking castle?!
Sequoia: He… he sorta like army crawled across the… [laughs] across the grounds and then hoisted himself up through an open window.
Kim: I feel like there are other things to be concerned about than what a sight they are.
Sequoia: [laughs] Madam Pomfrey was referring to Harry’s scar, which was glowing a strange red.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: As soon as she put Ron in a bed, she said something at Harry's scar and it returned back to its original form.
Kim: [pause] Oh.
Sequoia: That’s it.
Kim: Really? [Sequoia laughs] Really?
Sequoia: Harry and Hermione then proceeded to Dumbledore's office to tell him about what happened to Voldemort.
Kim: Okay? What? No. What? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, they had to take Ron to the infirmary.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Because clearly he has like twelve plus concussions.
Kim: Brain damage.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then… and then Harry’s scar was doing something weird, but it's fine now.
Kim: Madam Pomfrey’s really good at magic. Okay, fine. Fine.
Sequoia: And now they’re going to go tell Dumbledore what happened.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: "Ah, I see, then. Well, Harry, Hermione, I think Gryffindor will receive two hundred points.” [laughs]
Kim: No! No! [getting louder each time] No! NO! [both laugh loudly] Two hundred points to Gryffindor for beating the Dark Lord.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m Dumbledore.
Kim: [screaming] Fuck you, old man! How did Voldemort get into the fucking castle?
Sequoia: [laughing] Irrelevant. He’s dead now so who really cares?
Kim: [high, wavering voice] Two hundred points to Gryffindor! Hibbaldy dibbaldy doo! [Sequoia laughs] It’s Dumbledore.
Sequoia: That's a really good one. That’s really good.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: “I must say, this will certainly call for a celebration! We will have a feast tomorrow, and I dare say that no one will object to no classes tomorrow!" He chuckled to himself.
Kim: Okay. [chuckles] Have a good day!
Sequoia: [laughing] Your two hundred points and I promise that I’m going to have a feast for you. Bye bye. Bye now.
Kim: School’s out for summer. School’s already probably done. Like, the last week or so at Hogwarts is usually just exams. Right?
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s only two more days of school left, so I doubt that there’s any real school to be cancelled.
Kim: Unless they’re cancelling the rest of the exams.
Sequoia: Which would be pretty dank. [both laugh]
Kim: And Marcus Flint finally graduates. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Incredible. "All right you two, go off and get some sleep, you`ve had quite a night!" The next day there was a grand feast, and Dumbledore announced, to Gryffindor’s pleasure, that they had won the House Cup for the seventh time since Harry arrived.
Kim: [whispering] Stupid.
Sequoia: And also the Quidditch Cup.
Kim: Wait. What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: No! You have to… you have to… [laughs] you have to win the Quidditch Cup by playing Quidditch games. [Kim still laughing] [Sequoia groans]
Kim: Maybe they already won it and he was just reannouncing it.
Sequoia: [laughs] I would hope so. Harry and Hermione let Ron and Lavender have their turn in the spotlight during their wedding, and announced after they got back from their honeymoon that they would also marry.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Lavender claimed that she had foreseen this too.
Kim: Why wouldn’t she tell them? [both laugh] Lavender!
Sequoia: Because you can’t interfere. ‘Cause if you interfere then maybe the… the things you saw don’t come to pass.
Kim: Fine. Fine!
Sequoia: That’s the end of the story. [Kim groans] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Thank you. For that.
Sequoia: You know what?
Kim: Thank you to the listener that sent that in.
Sequoia: Thank you to Sylvia. For that.
Kim: And that was really good.
Sequoia: I fucking love that story.
Kim: Actually. I think they did some great stuff in that.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Man! Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm. 1999 dude!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I was so stoked about this story.
Kim: That’s some good shit.
Sequoia: Man!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: What a find. What a fucking find.
Kim: Nice work.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Nice work.
Sequoia: Your predictions.
Kim: My predictions were all wrong.
Sequoia: Yeah, because she did come back to life.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: She didn’t die, so…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: But you were close. That was close.
Kim: I was close.
Sequoia: Yeah. On the prediction…
Kim: For that one.
Sequoia: …that had the least to do with what… [laughs] what the tags or anything were, sooooo…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So yeah. Good job.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: You got no points.
Kim: Thank you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This episode is so long, so let’s go ahead and get to a quick fics.
Kim: A quick fics?
Sequoia: Yeah. Do you know how our podcast works?
Kim: [pause] Yeah. I’ve been here before.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s time for a quick fic.
Kim: For the…
Sequoia: Do you have a quick fics?
Kim: Yeah. Quick fics is a segment where we quickly summarise a story that may not be right for the podcast for a number of reasons, but still had some shining, beautiful moments in it. And today the fic I have for you is a story about [pause] ghosts.
Sequoia: Fuck yeah it is. [both laugh]
Kim: In this story Nearly Headless Nick is a religious man and he’s praying in the Hogwarts chapel. Why not? And the Bloody Baron is watching him.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: And so the Baron’s like, man! Nick’s hot!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: As all hell!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: And then he corners him and he’s like, Nick let’s defile this chapel.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: And Nick’s like, no thank you. [Sequioa laughs] And the Baron’s like, but what if we did? And Nick’s like, well if you say it like that. [Sequioa still laughing] And then they do make out. [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: Oooookay. [Kim keeps laughing] Okay. Sure. Sure. Is that it?
Kim: Yeah that’s it! They make out! The end!
Sequoia: Thank you?
Kim: You're welcome!
Sequoia: Excellent. [both laugh] Okay. And now it’s time for...
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: My recommendation today is called The Weasley Sneezes.
Kim: Silly.
Sequoia: It is a listener submitted fanfiction. Thank you Skylar for this fanfiction. I was rela… I was talking to you the other day about how all the listeners have decided…
Kim: Me?
Sequoia: Yeah, you. The listeners have decided to just like spam me with Percy/Oliver, which I fucking love. So here we go. [Kim laughs] This is a Percy/Oliver where Percy has this inherited magical power where every time…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …he sneezes, something magical happens. [Kim laughs] And it’s sooo good! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, that sounds silly. Okay. Cool.
Sequoia: It’s very good. Very cute. Very silly.
Kim: Nice. Nice.
Sequoia: So I will put a link to that in the description. Thanks again to Skylar for sending that to me. I like it a lot.
Kim: Cool. So that link will be in the description of this episode, as well as on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com. Where you can also find a link to our story submission form. I did… I recced one and I read one today.
Kim: You certainly did.
Sequoia: Keep sending us that good good shit.
Kim: Hell yeah! Also on our website you can find merch.
Sequoia: We’ve got our merch on our website. We’ve also got a TeePublic with a much wider variety of merch on it.
Kim: If you want to reach and talk to us about anything. Your OC. [Sequoia laughs] If you want to reach out and talk to us about your OC, you can contact us on social media. We are @FanaticalFics on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Sequoia: [laughing] If you have an OC that has a very rich backstory you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Hell yes! Do that!
Sequoia: Do that!
Kim: Send us ALL of them.
Sequoia: We want them.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help this podcast out there are a few ways you can do that. Number one.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We love reading them. They make our… they make…
Kim: Sequoia’s still reading them.
Sequoia: Of course I am! I love the reviews. They brighten my day.
Kim: You were going to say we. So. You can also trick everybody 2020.
Sequoia: Trick everyone! While I do not recommend giving… passing out any business cards or anything at this point in time, we are sending out trick your… trick everyone 2020 campaign tools. And there’s buttons and other fun stuff.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And stickers and things in it.
Kim: You could… you could sanitize the business card and then wear gloves when you place it on a sanitary surface, and then somebody else could then pick it up.
Sequoia: Yes. You can do that. [both laugh] Or you can…
Kim: ‘Sup. You know.
Sequoia: …put the pin on and take a selfie and put it on Instagram. [laughs]
Kim: Whatever! Gosh. Another way you can help out this podcast is to support us on Patreon. I guess we forgot to mention this at the top of the episode.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: But our Patreon tiers have been discounted because of, you know, quarantine whatever. Stuff happening. And we are going to be extending those one more month, and then we are going to retool our Patreon tiers again for our anniversary like we’ve been doing every year. Because we’re stupid.
Sequoia: Yep. [laughs] We’re very stupid.
Kim: So discounted tiers through the end of July and then look out for new stuff in August.
Sequoia: Yep, yep, yep.
Kim: Not too new. It’s gonna be pretty much the same, but the prices will be a little different, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: We haven’t decided yet.
Sequoia: So look out for an announcement on that. If you are a Patron at a couple of our tiers for six months, you are then going to get a little story shout out. We wrote a… Kim wrote a little story today. A little story summary. And she’s going to read that for us, and then we’re going to dedicate that to a few of our Patrons.
Kim: When Harry and Ron are exposed to a new magical disease, the Ministry health protocols mandate that they enter quarantine together. Will they be able to navigate the boredom and Ron’s atrocious cooking skills? How many games of wizard chess will Harry allow himself to be subject to?
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: And how will they keep their crushes on each other secret when they not only have to spend all their days together but also…
Sequoia: No!
Kim: …there’s only one bed! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Amazing! Thank you so much to our Patrons, Anne Thyr, Jordan Peterson, Mariah Noah, Hailey Hanson, Nicole Ecaveria and Molly Warner.
Kim: Your support means so much to us. Thank you all so much. And thanks as well to the Whomping Willows for the use of their excellent song Wolfstar.
Both: Byeeeeeeee!