Episode 77: The Ethan Sisters (Part 1)
Recommendation: A Pack of Lies
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8021/1/A-Pack-of-Lies
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Eliana
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Sometimes I worry that I've wasted my youth, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Okay, do you… do you want to delve a little further into that?
Kim: I mean, I just… I feel like I didn't write down enough of my stupid thoughts about which characters should be kissing other characters, and I feel like that was just a waste of the time that I had.
Sequoia: You know what? I… I… I agree that you did personally waste YOUR youth, but me? [both laugh] Oh boy, do I got that! [both laugh again]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Welcome to the podcast.
Kim: How are you? How you doing?
Sequoia: We have so much less shit to do at the top now. [laughs]
Kim: I feel like…
Sequoia: I don’t even know. I don’t know how to get into the podcast.
Kim: This is… this is going to be a disaster because we have lost all structure. So…
Sequoia: [laughs] We did. We had so much structure for so long. I mean we start… we start with some announcements?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Of a kind. [laughs]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Our Patreon tiers are still discounted.
Kim: Yep. And they're doing all kinds of fun stuff in the Discord, which you get at the lowest tier right now? Yes?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. [both laugh] I know what's going on on Patreon!
Kim: Whatever. They're doing such fun stuff.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. Someone in our Discord built a bot that does trading cards.
Kim: Yeah, we got a bot whisperer in there.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm so stoked. I love it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s all sorts of fun things going on there and I feel constantly behind.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: I show up in the morning and I'm like, oh, I… I… I can’t catch up. [both laugh]
Kim: Stuff’s happening, it's all amazing and they’re such a fun group, so check those discounted tiers off. Out.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yo. Are you… are you good?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: [laughs] Podcast?
Kim: No. [sighs]
Sequoia: Radical.
Kim: I'm so tired, man. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I'm tired too, but it's just because I decided, for no particular reason, to clean the whole house.
Kim: I'm tired because of the crushing weight of the world.
Sequoia: I mean, there's that, too, I guess. [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Was there something else we were supposed to say in this sort of, you know? I feel like this is a throwback. This is retro. We've gone back to a space where everything’s kind of fluid, and we just sort of talk for a minute. With no structure. What were we supposed to talk about? [laughs]
Kim: I don't remember. Let's do this thing.
Sequoia: All right! [both laugh] Great. I guess we're gonna… we're gonna read fanfiction now.
Kim: We are going to read fanfiction now. This is probably… this is almost… this is going to be a two part episode.
Sequoia: Pew pew pew pew pew pew pewww!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Two parter!
Kim: I think we're gonna… so we were talking about this before we got on, but we're thinking about changing up the release schedule for these two parters. These multi parters.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Expect the second part of this next week, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah. We… we decided that maybe two weeks was too long between… between installments of one story.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I know that I can't remember anything that happened to me two weeks ago.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So if I listen to the first part of a thing and then I was expected to remember that two weeks later, I wouldn't. So we're going to go ahead and be releasing all of our multi parters without the break week.
Kim: Let's do this! [both laugh] This is a story that I read, and I was like wow, wow, wow. This was clearly written by someone very, very young, who… [laughs]
Sequoia: That's a good clue. That’s a good clue.
Kim: Did a good jooob. And I had originally planned to, like, edit this down and also I thought this one was so interestingly written that it was going to need some, like, heavy editing, you know?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Kind of like Rise of the Phoenix Lord level editing?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But I reread it, and as I was, like, going through trying to edit it I was, like, this is all so unintentionally hilarious. I think I have to preserve all of it.
Sequoia: [laughs] That's great. I love to hear that.
Kim: So, I've trimmed it down for length, but it's mostly intact.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: So are you ready to make three predictions or a story titled The Ethan Sisters?
Sequoia: [through clenched teeth] Oh, fuck yeah!
Kim: A drama/humor story. What the fuck is that?
Sequoia: Yes! What’s that?! [laughs]
Kim: What the fuck is that? That came out post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Oh, fuck yeah. Okay, yeah. I'm not… I mean, no, I'm not ready to make predictions.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: But also, everybody should be making some predictions right now. Make sure to tweet those at us #FanficDivination or answer our question on our Instagram story.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And follow our story for the rest of the day. ‘Cause I…[laughs]
Kim: You… you post on… [laughs]
Sequoia: People… okay, wait. Wait, wait, wait. One thing.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: People got super mad at us last time. Last episode.
Kim: Because it wasn't about the Whomping Willow? [Sequoia laughs] Every prediction that came in was like, Whomping Willow! I didn't get that at all.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: The title to me was so angsty sounding and not Whomping Willow.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: I don't know. I guess I was more in tune with the OC vibe.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. A couple people guessed OCs.
Kim: They did, yeah, I saw that come in as well. But…
Sequoia: A couple people guessed that there’d be an OC. Right.
Kim: But there was a lot of Whomping Willow talk.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, you guys.
Kim: Yeah. I’m not.
Sequoia: The title was nothing and misleading. Okay, actually, though, speaking of OCs.
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: I'm not allowed to guess that there's an OC, right?
Kim: I think you might need to be a little more specific than just, there is an OC.
Sequoia: Okay. Right.
Kim: Given the title. I don’t know…
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s ‘cause… that's what I was thinking. I was thinking that the title gives a lot of way in that sense.
Kim: Or does it?
Sequoia: [sighs] The fuckin’… fuckin’… fuck you. [both laugh] Okay, it was called The Ethan Sisters?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I'm gonna guess that the Ethan sisters are not biologically related sisters.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: I'm going to guess that the main character arrives at Hog… is a Muggleborn.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I'm going to guess that the main character arrives at Hogwarts later in their teenage years and is inexplicably just sort of let into… not the first year of Hogwarts.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Is… are those okay?
Kim: You can guess those.
Sequoia: Okay, well, I did! [laughs]
Kim: I think – I think you get one more.
Sequoia: No, those… that was three.
Kim: Oh, okay. So the Ethan sisters are not biologically related.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Main character is a Muggleborn?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And they're let into Hogwarts, not in first year.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay! [both laugh]
Kim: I think we’re gonna have to talk about all of those. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no! what did I do?
Kim: Whoo! Okay, lets do this thing.
Sequoia: I think that’s a good sign.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Honestly, for me, that’s a good sign.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I… hm. Hm. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So I think I want to start by reading the author's note.
Sequoia: Excellent. As you should.
Kim: [sighs] Author's note. I was watching Pokémon last week, I don't know why. And I thought about Hogwarts having some major twist. And then they list some major twists that they thought that Hogwarts should have.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: But those major twists are what's going to happen down here so I'm not gonna read them to you.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, so don't tell me that.
Kim: But yeah. That’s… that's the energy we had coming into this.
Sequoia: Big Pokémon energy? [laughs]
Kim: [snorts] Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: And now we're going to get a chapter title, although this entire thing was presented as one long chapter.
Sequoia: Wait!
Kim: It's really… it was really long, too.
Sequoia: Okay, so it's just like… like it’s in whatever website it is without chapters.
Kim: Yeah, so this is… they… they released this as a single chapter.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Titled chapter one, I’m Who?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, good. Oh, good.
Kim: I’m Who?!
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: Ready? Are you ready?
Sequoia: Yeah. Tell me who they are.
Kim: [snorts] Hermione Granger walked hand in… yeah?
Sequoia: Okay. No, yeah.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: You’re okay? Okay. Hermione Granger walked hand in hand with her bestestestest ever friends. [Sequoia laughs] So cute.
Sequoia: Bestestestestestest ever!
Kim: Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, as they approached Hogwarts castle.
Sequoia: All three of them are just holding hands?
Kim: Holding hands and walking to Hogwarts together and it's so cute I might die.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god! [both laugh]
Kim: They’re such good friends!
Sequoia: Are they skipping?
Kim: Yes? It was their sixth year here and they were excited, but also feeling like something was off this year.
Sequoia: Oh?
Kim: Oh?
Sequoia: [laughs] Can they feel it in the air?
Kim: Smell it. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: Wait. Wait a second. This was written post Half Blood Prince and it's set in their sixth year. That's fine. Whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah, sure. Sure.
Kim: I mean, who’s read anything?
Sequoia: They’re re-imagining. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Okay, this is an AU. This is DEEP AU.
Sequoia: [laughs] Big Pokémon energy. [both laugh]
Kim: Not… I… I guess I should say this is not a Pokémon crossover. Don't get your hopes up.
Sequoia: Dammit. Well, I mean…
Kim: You wouldn’t have wanted a Pokémon…
Sequoia: I still feel there’s something to be said about big Pokémon energy! [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Anyone can parse their feelings.
Sequioa: A feeling.
Kim: [deep bro voice] “Hermione, why are your hair and eyes changing?” Ron asked.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: And what he said was true. [Sequoia laughs] Hermione’s… [laughs]
Sequoia: Ha, ha! Got you. Pranked!
Kim: He wasn’t just saying something.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Ah, god! Hermione’s hair was changing from a curly brown to a messy/straight deep red.
Sequoia: What? What?
Kim: Messy/straight. If you can explain what that means…
Sequoia: What? What? What’s that? [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know! It’s messy/straight.
Sequoia: And it’s red?
Kim: It’s deep red.
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: And her eyes were changing from chocolate brown [snorts] to startling green.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Hermione picked up a strand of her hair and screamed bloody murder. “What the HELL? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR?” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: She’s a redhead with green eyes now? Uh oh.
Kim: Yep. Uh oh. Uh oh!
Sequoia: This is boding well!
Kim: Uh oh! “’Mione, calm down, I’m sure Dumbledore will explain it,” Ron said.
Sequoia: No! Dumbledore never explains anything!
Kim: He’ll just twinkle at you, motherfuckers.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Ron said, but he couldn't help but feel a little queasy. Hermione and Harry felt queasy too.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: “Guys, I don't feel so good,” Hermione said, as she Harry and Ron collapsed into a pool of darkness.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh no! Oh fuck! Here we go!
Kim: Dun, dun, dun!
Sequoia: I thought they were just gonna like…
Kim: And then, the author…
Sequoia: ...collapse into a pool of vomit. [laughs] [both make gagging noises]
Kim: Hm, I don’t feel so good, blegh! [Sequoia laughs] Lovely. Awesome. No! All right. And then the author gives the game away. We get kind of one of those, like, movie title cards. Hogwarts grounds, September 1st 1976, Marauders’ sixth year at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Oooh, okay. Time travel.
Kim: We've got time travel.
Sequoia: Unwitting time travel.
Kim: Pit of darkness time travel.
Sequoia: Time travel. Okay, great. So…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Hermione now has red hair.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And green eyes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And is in the time of the Marauders.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Hm.
Kim: She brought Harry and Ron with her.
Sequoia: I don’t… [both laugh]
Kim: Somehow.
Sequoia: I don’t understand…
Kim: Somehow. Somehow.
Sequoia: …what’s… well, they all…
Kim: Well, they were holding hands.
Sequoia: They all ate some bad…
Kim: Oh, no. they were holding hands. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, they were holding hands. And if they hadn’t had been holding hands, just she would’ve gone through.
Kim: Probably?
Sequoia: Okay, ‘cause I was thinking they had all eaten some bad pizza on the… on the train.
Kim: Some bad time travel pizza?
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Trolley witch was accidentally serving time travel pizza?
Sequoia: I mean, that's not the most outrageous thing that the trolley witch could be doing.
Kim: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pewww! Got ‘em
Sequoia: Ooh! Ya burnt! [both laugh]
Kim: Hermione sat up and groaned. It looked to be about seven pm [Sequoia laughs] and she could hear chatter and laughter. What?
Sequoia: Sorry. That was weird.
Kim: [groans] Ugh, it’s seven pm! No?
Sequoia: There’s chatter and laughter. Excellent.
Kim: She could hear chatter and laughter from inside the school. ‘Cause it’s September first.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: She looked next to her and saw Harry and Ron stirring too. “Guys, I think it's dinner time, and I had this really weird dream that I had deep red hair and startling green eyes.” [both laugh] How the fuck did Hermione know what color her eyes are?
Sequoia: No one said that out loud. Not one person said that out loud.
Kim: [laughs] Oh, no. [quickly, quietly] “...dream that I had deep red hair and startling green eyes. Funny, huh?” The boys just looked at her. “What?... AHHHHH! MY HAIR! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR?!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Come on, man! It's straight but messy. It’s deep red.
Kim: [laughs] What does any of that mean?
Sequoia: I think… I think it's cool.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I think it’s cool.
Kim: “Hermione, breathe. I'm sure the whole of Hogwarts could have heard you for the second time today. Was it me or did I feel really sick before I passed out?” Harry asked as Hermione took deep breaths.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s that trolley pizza! You can’t trust it.
Kim: Time travel… time pizza! [both laugh] Whatever.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] What if we spend a whole episode screaming time pizza?
Kim: I mean, yeah. Do that, I guess. [both laugh] Ron and Hermione agreed with him. “Yes. Anyway, I'm hungry, I feel like I haven't eaten in twenty years. Let's go,” Hermione said.
Sequoia: Heyyy! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Kim: Heyyyyy!
Sequoia: ‘Cause it’s been twenty years
Kim: Because it’s been twenty years, and then they… ohh!
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: When you go back in time… how does time travel work? [Sequoia laughs] They stopped… they stopped outside the Great Hall. Hermione straightened her denim mini skirt and her baby blue halter top.
Sequoia: Ghaaah! [laughs] [screams]
Kim: Yikes. Yikes.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! I love it. You know…
Kim: WHY?
Sequoia: Okay, so here's the thing, is like, this is maybe the third fanfiction we’ve read where Hermione is wearing, like, a denim skirt and a blue top.
Kim: All blue.
Sequoia: WHY?! [laughs]
Kim: Did we… is that a thing we did? It can't be… could it?
Sequoia: No, you didn't wear denim and blue, you wore denim and denim.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You wore denim in, like, jeans and like a jean jacket.
Kim: Obviously we wore denim and denim, but… but did people wear denim on blue? Is that a thing?
Sequoia: Tweet at us!
Kim: It can’t be. [Sequoia laughs] Did you wear denim and blue?
Sequoia: Did you wear denim and blue? [laughs]
Kim: All right. Hermione is straightening her skirt and shirt. While Harry and Ron dusted their jeans and their blue and green shirts. Parentheses…
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: (Harry’s green shirt and Ron’s blue shirt.)
Sequoia: Okay. I thought they were wearing identical blue and green shirts and I was gonna be about that.
Kim: So cute! [Sequoia laughs] Oh, man, they’re all holding hands.
Sequoia: They’re all holding hands.
Kim: Wearing matching clothes
Sequoia: Matching shirts. [both laugh]
Kim: Dusting each other off.
Sequoia: Going to school. [both laugh] So cute.
Kim: Oh, no! Wait, wait! Oh, my god! Before they held hands and walked into the Hall. [both cry laugh] So cute!
Sequoia: Oh, my god! That’s so cute!
Kim: [crying] The hand holding! [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs] They're holding hands. And they walked into the hall with everyone's eyes on them.
Sequoia: Then they’re like, who the fuck are these people?! [laughs]
Kim: And why are they holding hands?
Sequoia: Because they always hold hands.
Kim: Oh, okay. [laughs]
Sequoia: In this universe.
Kim: Fine. “I don't recognize anyone here, apart from Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick, and Hagrid,” Hermione whispered.
Sequoia: Who all look very much younger. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] And the boys agreed with her. Dumbledore stood and clapped his hands. [high pitched] “Ah! You must be the transfer… this isn't right. You three follow me, as well as Messrs. Potter, Black, and Lupin and Miss Evans. Continue with your feast!”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Dumbledore said, and the seven students followed him to his office. What? Dumbledore was apparently expecting transfer students.
Sequoia: But not them.
Kim: But not them. No, no.
Sequoia: Different transfer students.
Kim: Not time transfer students, you know. Just, like, American transfer students.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [chuckles] This is a fanfiction.
Sequoia: But when he saw them, he was immediately like, you're not the transfer students I'm looking for. And not only that, but I believe… [laughs]
Kim: But I need… I need James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Lily Evans
Sequoia: For this discussion.
Kim: Not Peter Pettigrew though. Fuck that guy.
Sequoia: Fuck that guy!
Kim: [singing] Go fuck him!
Sequoia: [also singing] Fuck him!
Kim: He’s not even mentioned [both laugh] Oh yes.
Sequoia: Okay. This is fucking weird, sure. Sure.
Kim: Dumbledore immediately recognizes what's going on for some fucking reason.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: ‘Cause he’s fucking Dumbledore, or whatever.
Sequoia: Yep. Twinkle, twinkle, bitches!
Kim: [laughs] “Hey, Lily. How was your summer?” James asked Hermione. Hermione gave him a strange look.
Sequoia: Wait.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: But Lily’s there.
Kim: They all lined up behind Dumbledore and they got all jumbled together and James couldn't tell the difference.
Sequoia: Oh! Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotcha.
Kim: For some reason.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s very smart.
Kim: “I’m not Lily, I’m…” [valley girl voice, used for Lily throughout] “Rose?” Lily asked.
Sequoia: Ooookay.
Kim: Yeah. “Lily? I haven't seen you since we were eleven. Wait, what year is it?” Hermione asked, hugging Lily like mad.
Sequoia: Wait. Wait, wait, whoa! Wait! Whoa! Wait!
Kim: Yeah? [Sequoia makes confused sounds] Yeah, what?
Sequoia: Okay. Hermione’s name is Rose and she’s a time traveler from the past, and in the past, when she was Rose, she knew Lily as a kid?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Amazing! [laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: This is fucking incredible.
Kim: I haven't seen you since we were eleven. What year is it?
Sequoia: Oh, no. What year is it?
Kim: “Um,1976. Are you feeling okay, sis?”
Sequoia: [gasps loudly] Was this called The Ethan Sisters?
Kim: It was called The ETHAN Sisters.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! This is so incredible! [both laugh] Oh, my god! Oh my god, I love this story so much! Okay, I want to know why she time traveled. I want to know everything. I'm so intrigued.
Kim: Okay. Cool.
Sequoia: [laughs] Don’t say cool like I'm not gonna get any answers to my questions. That’s fucking rude!
Kim: There’s an… there’s answers, probably.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. Rose.
Kim: Yeah. Lily touched Hermione’s forehead. parenthesis from the author, (I'm going to call her Rose from now on, okay?)
Sequoia: Okay. I mean, that’s her name. So…
Kim: We’re in it.
Sequioa: Yeah.
Kim: So yep.
Sequoia: I’m ready. Here we go.
Kim: Hermione’s dead.
Sequoia: Bye.
Kim: “SIS?” All the boys shouted.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is weird on, like, a lot of individual levels.
Kim: Correct. “You have a sister?” Harry, Ron, and James asked at the same time. [both laugh] “Yes. I have Petunia, who's dating that horrid man, Vernon Dursley, and Rose is my twin. She went missing when we went through the barrier on platform nine and three quarters in our first year. We haven't seen her since.”
Sequoia: W… w… what…? Did the nine and… the barrier between nine and three quarters pop her out in a different time?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, it popped her loose from time.
Sequoia: Does that happen often? [both laugh]
Kim: You know how that one time the barrier rejected Ron and Harry?
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: It did that but… time.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cool! Time barrier. [both laugh] Excellent.
Kim: “All I remember is my memory being wiped.” [Sequoia exclaims wordlessly] I would like to parse that thought.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do that.
Kim: We have more coming.
Sequoia: Okay. But…
Kim: But like, what?
Sequoia: How… okay, what… what does the memory of your memory wipe look like? Sound like? Is it just like…? [makes whooshing sucking noise] [both laugh] Is it like… like a vacuum is sucking up all your memories?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And that's just… it's just a noise. It’s not really…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You don’t really see anything. The memory is just a noise.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And, like, a vague feeling of your memory’s been wiped. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure! Okay, so Hermione says, “All I remember is my memory being wiped, my looks changing, and me thinking I was a Granger. I knew we should have ported there! Race you to Dumbledore’s office!”
Sequoia: [confused gibberish] Okay. [Kim laughs] So the barrier.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Just like…
Kim: The barrier unstuck her from time and then rewrote her fucking memories.
Sequoia: Wiped her memories.
Kim: It not only wiped them…
Sequoia: But left a memory of wiping the memory.
Kim: That she's getting… I think she's getting that memory back right this second.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Nope. Doesn't matter. That doesn't really matter. No, what… what I'm confused about is that the… she thought she was a Grang… she walked through this barrier. She walked into it Lily… no, Rose Evans. She walked out of it Hermione Granger. And also the Grangers were there, assumedly? [both laugh]
Sequoia: I feel like there’s gotta be…
Kim: This is a complicated time plot.
Sequoia: I think there’s gotta be… so… so… Rose… Rose… [laughs] Rose Evans walked through the barrier and came through barrier and was Hermione Granger.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: In order for this alternate universe to really make any sense…
Kim: Did Hermione Granger exist?
Sequoia: Yes. Mhm.
Kim: And Rose Evans killed her?
Sequoia: Ro… well, I mean… what? [both laugh]
Kim: The barrier killed her?!
Sequoia: No, I think… no I think the barrier… the barrier took a bunch of kids and just shifted them forward. [Kim laughs] So Hermione Granger is twenty years…
Kim: Hermione… Hermione is twenty years in the future.
Sequoia: …in the future.
Kim: Hermione’s in…
Sequoia: As someone else.
Kim: Oh, what the fuck year would it be? Twenty…
Sequoia: Oh. Twenty…
Kim: Two thousand and…
Sequoia: No. Yeah. Two thousand…
Kim: 2011. Hermione’s in 2011.
Sequoia: 2011. Okay.
Kim: Yeah, that’s how numbers work.
Sequoia: So Hermione, in 2011, walks through the barrier and her looks change and her memory’s wiped and she’s someone else.
Kim: Oh, no! And just everybody is bumped twenty years?
Sequoia: Exactly. And that just, like…
Kim: And the person at the end of the line goes to the beginning.
Sequoia: No, because no one was Rose! [laughs]
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia: Rose had to have been the beginning.
Kim: Rose just stopped existing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, Rose is the beginning of this chain. Okay.
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: Okay. Okay. So that’s that chunk, I guess.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: So we’ve gotten through two chunks of this block of text.
Sequoia: We got a memory wipe, we got she’s a new person.
Kim: She changed into Hermione Granger. The third chunk of this is, “I knew we should have ported there.” I think we're not going to understand that until later.
Sequoia: Okay. Te… teleported?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: To… directly into the station. As opposed…
Kim: I think directly to Hogwarts, probably.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. As opposed to going through the barrier and taking the train, because everyone knows…
Kim: Or maybe taking the train.
Sequoia: …that sometimes the barrier can be a little finicky and just sort of pushes you…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …into a new time.
Kim: They should have just teleported directly onto the train, maybe.
Sequoia: Yeah. Exactly.
Kim: Or to Hogwarts, or whatever. Okay, so yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Can’t trust the barrier.
Kim: And now… now chunk number four. “Race you to Dumbledore's office!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: So it seems like… okay, no. [Kim laughs] It also seems… it seems like she's getting back all her memories.
Kim: Yeah, it does.
Sequoia: And just because, like…
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: She's… she's… she's getting some memories.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm.
Sequoia: She's starting to feel like Rose Evans. You know?
Kim: Mmmm. Okay.
Sequoia: And she’s like looking at her sister and she's like, oh, my god, my sister! Oh, my god, we’re pals. Race me! You know? Race me to Dumbledore’s office!
Kim: Okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: And if I… I feel like if this was… if this story were to do something that made sense…
Kim: It’s not going to.
Sequoia: [laughs] …she would continue to regain memories slowly throughout the story and sort of change back into Rose. Over time?
Kim: It’s… I think the transform… the transformation’s complete. We’re there.
Sequoia: Oh, it just… it's done. Okay.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: That's fine.
Kim: We’re gonna race to Dumbledore’s office, Rose said, getting into a starting position.
Sequoia: Classic Rose.
Kim: Would she be Rose Granger-Evans? Weird.
Sequoia: Huh.
Kim: Like Rose Granger-Weasley. Never mind.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s… okay. That’s weird.
Kim: Yeah, that is weird. That's a weird coincidence.
Sequoia: Huh!
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Maybe the author…
Kim: Anyway!
Sequoia: …got bumped backwards in time. [laughs]
Kim: No! Okay. “I didn't know you were going to go missing, I wanted to go through the barrier in my first year. And you're on, but no porting!” Lily said.
Sequoia: Okay! Those bitches can teleport! Just like…
Kim: Yes. In Hogwarts. For no reason.
Sequoia: Why? They have magic… they have extra magic powers.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: They have extra magic powers that Hermione couldn’t… didn’t know that she could exhibit.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Because she didn’t know she had them.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Fascinating.
Kim: Yes. “Loser pays for the other’s tiara.”
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Rose said.
Sequoia: Somebody gets a tiara, I love it.
Kim: I… ‘kay. I mean, you can think that someone's going to get a tiara.
Sequoia: Oh, someone gets a tiara.
Kim: Rose said, and she ran really fast through the corridors of Hogwarts [both laugh] with Lily not so far behind, and the boys looking on in awe. Harry looked to James. “What just happened here?”
Sequoia: I didn’t know girls could run so fast.
Kim: I mean, no. Okay, no. Not the running, but like actually, what just happened? No, I'm with Harry.
Sequoia: It's nonsense. What just happened. [Kim laughs] Especially to them at this point, I'm sure. They haven’t…
Kim: yeah, that was…
Sequoia: They haven't been able to take breaks and unpack it.
Kim: That was all gibberish. I… I only imagine they were speaking at very rapid pace as well, right? Like…
Sequoia: Oh, for sure.
Kim: Real fast. “I don't know, but I think I just found my soon to be sister in law,” James said.
Sequoia: Okay. Ah… wha… James, shut the fuck up, man. [laughs]
Kim: James, can you keep your cool for, like, ten seconds?
Sequoia: [laughs] Impossible.
Kim: James has never once been cool. [Sequoia laughs] And then the boys ran after them. “I win! Oh, yeah! In your face!” Rose said, doing a victory dance.
Sequoia: Again, classic Rose.
Kim: Classic Rose. [Sequoia laughs] “You cheated. You probed my mind and confused me,”
Sequoia: Oooh!
Kim: “Anyway, mum said we aren't allowed to use our powers in school, except for emergencies.” Lily said bossily with a smug smile.
Sequoia: Ahh… oh, oh. Okay. Oh coo… okay, they…
Kim: So they… so they can port, and they can do mind probes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Mind probes! I hate that a lot. [laughs]
Kim: Cool. Nice. Maybe they can just do mind probes on each other. Who knows?
Sequoia: Yeah, they're… they… they’re telepathically linked to each other. ‘Cause they’re twins.
Kim: Oh, obviously. Because they’re… ‘cause they’re twins. Yeah.
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Yep, yep, yep. “I thought Dad always said that, and Pet’s dating who?” Rose asked. We’re circling back to something that was said, like, half a page ago.
Sequoia: Right, but in real time that was only said, like, maybe one and a half minutes ago, because they talked really, really fast.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then they ran really, really, really fast. [both laugh]
Kim: She's been thinking about it though. She's like, wait a second! Also, Petunia’s nickname is Pet.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Apparently. No?
Sequoia: No. Don't like that one. That's weird.
Kim: It’s fucking weird.
Sequoia: You can’t call your sister Pet! [Kim snickers quietly] Not cool!
Kim: You can today! [both laugh]“Vernon Dursley. Never liked him. Too purple,” Lily said.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Rude.
Kim: “Dad died in third year.”
Sequoia: WHOA!
Kim: Burying the lede.
Sequoia: Ah! Unprompted.
Kim: Or whatever. Yep.
Sequoia: And also…
Kim: Well, no. Okay, Rose did say… did mention their dad. She said, I thought dad always said that we weren’t supposed to use our powers except for emergencies.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true.
Kim: Dad’s dead.
Sequoia: Okay. Dad’s dead.
Kim: Says Lily.
Sequoia: Dad’s dead today.
Kim: [laughs] No, he died in third year. He died three years ago.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, man! Well…
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Here we are.
Kim: “We were at the summer house in Spain during summer because Mummy got a new job, but Dad was sick, so he stayed behind at the house while we went to the beach. When we got back the house was in flames!”
Sequoia: Oh, no! This is a conspiracy. He was murdered.
Kim: “Do you know how much my clothes cost?”
Sequoia: Oh, my god! Shut the fuck up! [both laugh]
Kim: Our dad’s dead, our house burned down, look how expensive my clothes are!
Sequoia: My clothes! [both laugh] WOW! She sucks!
Kim: Lily!
Sequoia: She sucks!
Kim: Lily! Oh, man. “Do you know how much my clothes cost? Mummy wasn't happy, but she gave me her credit card.”
Sequoia: [makes noises] [Kim laughs] So this is the side of the family that Harry got all that cash money from. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure. “She gave me her credit card,” Lily added as an afterthought, but Rose and Lily were crying nonetheless.
Sequoia: Wait. Are they crying because their dad’s dead or because of the clothes? I don’t know!
Kim: It’s impossible to tell. [both laugh] I mean, okay. Being generous here, Lily was trying to break the tension of breaking the news that their dad's dead by being silly about her clothes being expensive
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Yeah, no, that’s not it.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s not what happened.
Kim: But you know. It could be! [Sequoia laughs] It could be!
Sequoia: But they got mom's credit carrrd!
Kim: [sighs heavily] Oh, wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: That was three years ago.
Kim: Their dad is dead. He did die.
Sequoia: Their dad is dead. The clothes are burnt. He was murdered. I don’t know why we're not talking about that yet, but also, that was three years ago, when her mom was like, here, take the credit card, and I bet she still has it. She just didn't give it back, she was like no, this is…
Kim: Oh, no. Lily would never give that back.
Sequoia: This is mine now.
Kim: This is mine now.
Sequoia: Thanks, mom. Mommy please.
Kim: Ha, ha, ha, I’m Lily. [laughing] Mummy please. “Lily, may I remind you that daddy/mommy told YOU…”
Sequoia: Oh, my god.
Kim: Why does it say that? “Told YOU that YOU can't use your powers in school unless it's an emergency. I don't recall him telling me that.”
Sequoia: Your memory got wiped!
Kim: Yeah! “And this is an emergency. I'm back with my family. What's even more of an emergency than that?” Rose asked.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: I don't think you being back is an emergency.
Sequoia: No. I think the fact… when you left… when you disappeared…
Kim: Disappeared.
Sequoia: That was…
Kim: That was probably…
Both: …an emergency.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For sure.
Kim: Yeah. Yep. Yep.
Sequoia: Great. I will… I'm… I'm curious to see over the next… the rest of this episode and the next episode if we get more powers than the two that we currently have. I'm sure we will. I'm sure we will.
Kim: No comment. No comment.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: [laughs] Okay. “What's even more of an emergency than that?” Rose asked. “The fact that your house is under attack by Death Eaters, and the Aurors are all stunned.”
Sequoia: Wait. What? Wait. What? What? Is that Dumbledore?
Kim: Yeah. Dumbledore spoke from behind them.
Sequoia: Dumbledore’s here now, and…
Kim: Dumbledore… they came to Dumbledore, he said, follow me to my office. They did.
Sequoia: They didn’t… okay. They ran to his office.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Then he arrived and was like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Your house…
Kim: Is being attacked right now.
Sequoia: So… cool. Okay, I have no questions. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Lily and Rose looked at each other before Rose held Harry and Ron's hand and Lily held James, Sirius, and Remus’s hands [both laugh] with a bit of trouble.
Sequoia: They're gonna port!
Kim: And ported to the Evans estate in Aylesbury.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Do you think she held Sirius and Remus's hands in the same hand?
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause Sirius and Remus were already holding hands.
Kim: [laughs] Everyone was already holding… Harry, James, Sirius, and Remus and Ron all ran in holding hands! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I buy it. There’s a lot of hand holding!
Kim: They’re all friends!
Sequoia: So it… so actually, though, maybe Harry and Ron are there because they were holding hands. Is what we’re getting here.
Kim: [pause] It…
Sequoia: You know what? I’m gonna stick with time pizza. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Do that.
Sequoia: I’m gonna stick with time pizza. Okay.
Kim: Nice. All right. Here we go. Evans estate, Aylesbury, Bucks., England, UK, Europe, World. [both laugh] Why does it zoom out so far? Never mind, it’s fine!
Sequoia: Milky Way, Universe. [laughter continues] Aahh! Nice.
Kim: As soon as Rose ported to her living room she fell to her knees and cried. There, covered in blood…
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: …was Sandy Evans, Lily, Rose, and Petunia’s mother.
Sequoia: Oh, wow. Sandy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That is a name choice. That you can make.
Kim: That’s a name.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: I’m all right with that name.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: We were going with the flower thing for everyone else, but Sandy.
Sequoia: Both dead parents, and they were both murdered. Again!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Dad was murdered.
Kim: Definitely murdered.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Look at how expensive my clothes are. Stupid.
Sequoia: [laughs] Well, at least the house isn't burning down now and maybe all their clothes are at Hogwarts.
Kim: Uh huh. Lily appeared a second later, and hugged Rose as they sat on the floor and cried. “Lils, where’s Pet?” Rose asked she looked for Petunia
Sequoia: [screams] You can’t! You cannot. You cannot! You cannot!
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I can’t handle that.
Kim: What? [both laugh] it’s just gonna keep happening, so, you know.
Sequoia: [screams again] Fucking fine!
Kim: I can't help you. Where’s Pet? “At Beauxbatons, why?”
Sequoia: Wait, WHAT? Oh, shit. Wait. What?! Wait? What?
Kim: I don't know! I literally don't know.
Sequoia: So we don’t hear any more about this for the rest of the story. We just know that she's… she's a witch?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And she's inexplicably not at the same school.
Kim: She’s at Beauxbatons ‘cause she’s fancy.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. Okay.
Kim: Lily says she's at Beauxbatons. But before she could get an answer, Rose ported to Beauxbatons and returned ten seconds later with Petunia.
Sequoia: [extended groan] [laughs] Okay. Okay.
Kim: [sighs] I don't know.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I don’t know. I don't have a good answer for you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Fuck yeah. Okay, they’re all here. The sisters are all here.
Kim: Yep. Hm, I don't have a Petunia voice, do I? Oh, well.
Sequoia: No ‘cause when the fuck do we ever do Petunia?
Kim: We’ve literally never. “Now, not like I’m complaining. I don’t… no, it’s just the same voice. It’s all the same voice, somebody help me.
Sequoia: [laughs] they’re all
Kim: They’re all morphing into one, it’s bad. Ah, fuck. Fuck me, man. “Not like I'm complaining that my little sis has returned, but what the… AHHH!!!”
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no!
Kim: Petunia screamed as she saw Sandy.
Sequoia: She’s, like, oh god. My little sister has randomly appeared back out of nowhere, and my mom’s dead.
Kim: After five years. [laughs] Six years? Oh, god! “Those good for nothing… I bet it was that bitch, Voldemort!”
Sequoia: [cackles loudly] Ugh! That bitch!
Kim: What a bitch!
Sequoia: What a bitch! [both cry laugh]
Kim: Voldemort!
Sequoia: Oh, my god! [both keep laughing]
Kim: The fuck? “I bet it was that bitch, Voldemort, that ordered this to happen. Okay, Rose, have you seen Bellatrix Black at school yet? I want you to morph into her, and Lily to morph into Narcissa, while I morph into Patty,” Petunia said.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. Oh, my god! All three of them have the powers. And…
Kim: Yeah. They can shape shift.
Sequoia: They can shape shift!
Kim: This is the third power we’ve gotten.
Sequoia: Aarrgh!
Kim: So Petunia’s gonna morph into Patty. Petunia said, referring to Patty Patterson, Pansy Parkinson's mother.
Sequoia: Patty?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Patterson?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s music to my ears.
Kim: [sighs] I have chills.
Sequoia: This is gorgeous.
Kim: This is beautiful. It’s delicious. What’s better than that? Patty Patterson.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay.
Kim: [sighs] “We port into Riddle Mansion and after Rose says, “Lord,” we shoot him with Avada Kedavra. Okay? You boys stay here, don't cause trouble, [Sequoia laughs] and please try and clean up.”
Sequoia: Oh, my god! You stay here and clean up my mom’s dead body. And we’re gonna go kill Voldemort?
Kim: [laughs] Yes.
Sequoia: I just, like… because we talked about this beforehand, I know how many more words are left in this story. [laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And I am bewildered.
Kim: The listeners know this is a two part episode, so…
Sequoia: Right? I… okay. Yep. Okay, they’re gonna go kill Voldemort. Fuck yeah, let's go.
Kim: And the boys are gonna stay and clean up a dead body.
Sequoia: Dead body. They got it. They got it. They got it. You got to keep them… take them with you, then they're just in the way.
Kim: You’re gonna… you’re gonna leave… okay, yes, obviously, you don't take them with you. But you're gonna leave Harry, Ron, James, Sirius, and Remus in charge of cleaning up your mother's dead body?
Sequoia: I mean, maybe they’ll just tidy around it. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, okay. Fuck. “Please try and clean up. Now Lily, Rose, let's go.” The sisters morphed into the women, and left for Riddle Mansion. Riddle Mansion, somewhere in the world.
Sequoia: Wait, what? We don’t get the…?
Kim: We’re not gonna get the title card. Riddle Mansion.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, it’s just somewhere.
Kim: No, it’s somewhere. The author wasn’t totally sure where it was.
Sequoia: I mean, I’m not sure. [both laugh]
Kim: They didn’t feel like making it up, either. They ported into the foyer of Riddle Mansion, before heading in the direction of a male voice yelling. They opened the doors and walked to the front before Lord… it’s… that… for some reason that's in quotes. “Lord Voldemort.”
Sequoia: That’s, like, their inner monologue, or whatever. They’re, like, ugh, “Lord Voldemort.”
Kim: Ugh, fucking lord... THAT BITCH.
Sequoia: THAT BITCH!
Kim: [chuckles quietly] “My lord,” Petunia said, kissing the hem of his robes, mentally gagging. [Sequoia laughs] “My lord,” Lily said kissing the hem of his robes, also mentally gagging.
Sequoia: Oh, my god.
Kim: “Tom, how are you, my lord?” Rose asked politely.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] You gotta… we gotta tell… there was some heavy air quotes there.
Kim: Air quotes.
Sequoia: Politely.
Kim: Well, there’s air quotes in the story. I guess they’re not air quotes. They’re…
Both: …actual quotes.
Kim: Around…
Sequoia: They’re… yeah, that’s different.
Kim: ‘kay.
Sequoia: Is she also gonna gag?
Kim: No, they're gonna… remember? They just made this plan, Sequoia. You've already forgotten the plan they made. After Rose says “Lord,” they're gonna shoot him. Right?
Sequoia: Oh! I had already forgotten the plan. [laughs]
Kim: How are you… [both laugh] there’s just been so much that's happening since then.
Sequoia: My head hurts. [both laugh]
Kim: [sighs] Rose asked politely. The sisters morphed back into themselves and shot the fateful curse at Voldemort. “AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Sequoia: Oh, damn!
Kim: And there, right then, Lord Voldemort was finished. Dead. Deceased forever.
Sequoia: Is that where you're stopping?
Kim: That is where I'm stopping.
Sequoia: OH, MY GOD! [screams] [both laugh] Fucking… [screams again]
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Wow! [Kim laughs] Wow. Amazing. Incredible.
Kim: Oh, man, this is gonna be such a chore to try to summarize this first half for the next episode.
Sequoia: That was, like, fifteen stories in one! [both laugh] Oh god!
Kim: We’re only… we’re, like, less than halfway through, actually. I cut… I cut it here because this is like a great stopping point, thank you.
Sequoia: Yes. Yeah, I mean, it is. I’m mad. But it is. [both laugh]
Kim: This story is incredible. This author had IDEAS they had to get out, and they just slammed on the keyboard until they were all out.
Sequoia: [laughs] Wow.
Kim: Do you see why I said we were gonna have to talk about your predictions?
Sequoia: I see why we have to talk about the first two. Do… should we go through them now?
Kim: Let's talk about the first two.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The first one is wrong. The sisters are biologically related.
Sequoia: Yes. Which makes the second one wrong.
Kim: Oh no, wait. No, wait. [laughs] Oh, wait, what? No.
Both: Yeah.
Kim: Your prediction was about the Ethan sisters.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was.
Kim: We technically haven't met the Ethan sisters yet.
Sequoia: OH FUCK! Oh, fuck! [laughs]
Kim: Tech… tech… technically, we haven't been INTRODUCED to the Ethan sisters, if that makes sense?
Sequoia: What? What the shit?
Kim: Right? We've met the Evans sisters.
Sequoia: Right. What the fuck? Okay. [laughs] Should we just wait?
Kim: All right, I think we’re gonna have to…
Sequoia: Shall we just… let’s just wait on it.
Kim: Yeah, let’s just carry all of them over.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! Okay, well, we have no answers for our prediction recap. So that's good.
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: [laughing] I guess we’ll go into our next segment.
Kim: Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Sequoia: Hold for the end, please! Today I have a hold for the end please.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: This hold for the end please is the end of Warriors of the Claaaan! [laughs]
Kim: Fuck, yes. And hold for the end please is where one of you, our dear listeners, sends us the end of a story that you feel wasn't completed to your satisfaction. What did they send us, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Okay, so if you remember, Warriors of The Clan ends with…
Kim: I remember Warriors of The Clan. [both laugh]
Sequoia: …Slamskull, Jeff the Mighty and Flipstaff sort of massacring some kids in the fuckin’ Slytherin common room. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, they did kill them.
Sequoia: They killed one. We decided that… that at least one was dead.
Kim: One was definitely dead. They one that they slammed skulled.
Sequoia: The one that they… no. The one that Jeff the Mighty slashed… sla… no, they killed two of them, ‘cause Jeff the Mighty definitely cut one of them in half. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Cut one of them in half? Yeah. Cut one in half. They did slam the other one’s skull open.
Sequoia: Slammed skulled, as… as… as he was… as he is known.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: So, this one says… so the fight’s over. One of the students dies. According to this hold for the end please.
Kim: Okay. All right, fine.
Sequoia: And the teachers really don't know how to handle that sort of a situation, so they just sort of move on from it. [Kim laughs] They’re just like nah, I mean, Slytherins, whatever, it's fine.
Kim: Sometimes Slytherins die. Fuck them.
Sequoia: That’s fine. And then Draco was… is very impressed by Slamskull’s skills, and…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …hires Slamskull to be his personal bodyguard against the mudbloods. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, dear. Oh, shit!
Sequoia: And it's important to note that Draco says, [haughty drawl] “My faaather will pay you handsomely.”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So Slamskull agrees, which I… which I mean, I'm kind of on the fence about. That's kind of moonlighting, because they're supposed to be… they’re working at Hogwarts. If you remember.
Kim: Right. Sure.
Sequoia: But he’s sort of moonlighting for Draco as his bodyguard.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: And then it is revealed that Jeff the Mighty has a crush on Hermione.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And Slamskull is not happy about this, because Jeff the Mighty needs to be focused on his warrior training.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: And having this crush is just like… [sighs] it’s really outside of the focus.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Of the warrior training.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So they fight.
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia: [laughs] Jeff the Mighty managed to… manages to escape the fight, and he gives up his warrior training, and is inexplicably transferred to Gryffindor. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice. That sounds right.
Sequoia: He gets to stay. That's fine.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There's a… there’s a passage of time.
Kim: What a twist. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, and Slamskull realizes that he has feelings for Draco.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Who he's been the body… bodyguard for this whole time.
Kim: Of course he does.
Sequoia: He has some, and I quote, “edgy inner conflict” about it. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: All before realizing…
Kim: You gotta get the Drarry in there. I think… I think that’s something that our listeners are telling us.
Sequoia: Right, but in this one he decides he doesn't need to worry about punishment, ‘cause he's so far… because he's so high up in the goblin hierarchy.
Kim: Right. He’s far enough along in his training that he can have romantic entanglements.
Sequoia: Exactly, because he doesn't need to focus on his fighting training any more.
Kim: Because he's already done it.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: He’s so great. Sure.
Sequoia: He’s already murdered many people.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And he doesn't need to worry about punishment. So Slamskull and Draco… Draco end up making out because…
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: …and I quote, Dramskull![both laugh] And that's the end of that one!
Kim: Oh, it ends with some Dramskull, okay.
Sequoia: It ends with some Dramskull.
Kim: Okay, what happens to… what happens… I'm left wanting more. What was the third one's name?
Both: Flipstaff
Kim: Is that…?
Sequoia: We don’t really get anything on Flipstaff.
Kim: Yeah, what happened to Flipstaff?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: I think that he’s just not as intriguing of a character.
Kim: Flipstaff joins up with Greg and Vinny.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: And they all get huge together.
Sequoia: [laughs] I love that. I love that for them.
Kim: Yeah, and then they get so huge that they morph into one mass.
Sequoia: Ohhh! Okay?
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Very good, very good. All right. Well, thank you.
Kim: Thank you to the listener that sent that in.
Sequoia: Yeah. Thank you for that hold for the end please. If you want to send a hold for the end please, just email it to fanaticalfics@gmail.com and put hold for the end please in your subject line.
Kim: All right, let’s go to…
Both: …THE REC ZONE! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Kim: Today I thought I would recommend some Marauders stuff to go with this fic that I'm reading.
Sequoia: That’s fucking sweet, man! Yeah.
Kim: Yeah? So what I have is a really old story. Like, how old is this? Let me open this up and see. This story came out in 2000.
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: Early in 2000, too. So this is a really old story about Remus’s first year at Hogwarts, and his friends finding out that he's a werewolf.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: And, like, how he deals with that.
Sequoia: Aww!
Kim: It's called A Pack of Lies and I thought it was pretty good, and really old, so that was cool.
Sequoia: Wow! I don’t think we’ve ever…
Kim: Love this weird old stuff.
Sequoia: …recced anything that old.
Kim: Who knows?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Who knows what we've done at any point in time? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Awesome. That sounds great.
Kim: Yeah! So check that out. That link will be in the episode description and also on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com, where you can also find our story submission form. Keep sending us that good, good, shit, y’all.
Kim: You're very good at finding horrifying nasty shit. [Sequoia laughs] Man, every once in a while… I guess we've talked about this a lot, but every once in a while, my phone just blows up, like, with like notifications that someone's submitting stuff.
Sequoia: When someone's, like, on a roll?
Kim: Yeah. That's been happening a lot recently. I think I mentioned that, maybe even last episode. But it's just… [laughs] I’m very happy.
Sequoia: People are reading a lot of fanfiction right now and keep on sending it to us.
Kim: Good for y’all.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Definitely do that. Also on our website you can find links to our merch.
Sequoia: We have merch on our website that we have started sending out again, and then we also have a TeePublic with a large variety of merch.
Kim: Yep. Including masks?
Sequoia: Including masks.
Kim: Why are they selling… masks are weird.
Sequoia: Face masks.
Kim: The masks with our designs on them do not look like they would work.
Sequoia: They don’t look great, so… [both laugh]
Kim: Maybe buy a t-shirt instead.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] If you want to contact us, we have Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, all @FanaticalFics. Tweet at us!
Kim: As well as an email that we talk about all the time. Email us about any of the things we demand. Make sure to put in the subject line what it's about, though. [Sequoia laughs] fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Sequoia: Fucking great. If you wanna support the podcast, there are a few ways you can do that. Number one, leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We're not really shouting them out any more, but that doesn't mean we don't read every single one of them and cherish them deeply.
Kim: Correct. Also, trick your neighbors who like your Draco pairings t-shirt. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, somebody’s like, hey, I like that T-shirt. You're like, hey, you know you would like? This podcast. It's nonsense. Trick everyone 2020!
Both: Pew, pew, pew, pew!
Kim: Also, you can support us by looking at, and maybe clicking on, something on our Patreon.
Sequoia: Yep. We’ve got bonus episodes every month. Every other month that's… those are livestreamed.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: We've got writing competitions and book club. There's all sorts of fun stuff going on over there so go ahead and go check that out.
Kim: Speaking of Patreon, after six months of supporting us on there, you get a shout out on the podcast that Sequoia is going to do now.
Sequoia: There they were, two people, young and in love, sitting next to the lake, skipping stones and laughing, not knowing the destiny they were speeding towards would be darker and more terrible than they could ever imagine. As quickly as Greg’s stone had skipped once and then sunk to the depths of the lake, the Forbidden Forest was alight with the cries of centaurs in fierce combat. Greg and Vinnie crept towards the forest to find a centaur close to them, locked in battle with a man carrying a large red and blue round shield with a star in the center. The man… [laughs] the man tossed the centaur deep into the woods, and noticed the boys huddled frightened in the greenery. “Um, where am I?” Will Greg and Vinny help Captain America find his way home, or will Steve stay and meet a bitter end helping them defeat the Dark Lord? [laughs]
Kim: Oh, my god!
Sequoia: Thank you so much for being patrons, Jess Whit, Hannah Sharten, Emilie Kindvall, Claire Newman, Kellison Mans and Amanda Base. [both laugh] I wrote that for you.
Kim: What the fuck?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Bye!
Kim: Bye?!