Episode 76: Willow's Thorn
Recommendation: Hold On
https://archiveofourown.org/works/4580667
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jessica
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: I've realized something recently.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Shipping is a trap. It's…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It's not something we should be spending our time on. Because trying to figure out, like, which ship is best, and ship versus ship, those ship wars…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: No! None of that makes any sense any more.
Sequoia: Okay?
Kim: Because I've realized something, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All ships are inferior, they're out… they're outdated. We're done with them.
Sequoia: Mhm, okay.
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: Mhm?
Kim: Why ship when you could just have a mega polycule? [Sequoia laughs] What do you…
Sequoia: Okay, yeah!
Kim: Every character is dating, the end.
Sequoia: Great, great, ships are out! [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: That it is. [smooth voice] Welcome to the show everybody. We're trying… we're doing…
Kim: This is a weird…
Sequoia: No, we’re doing a calm energy.
Kim: This is… this is a weird thing to go to from the cold open I just did, dude! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] We took it high and then…
Kim: We've gone from conspiracy theorist nutso whatever yelling, to NPR. Great.
Sequoia: Now we’re calm.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: We're all calm. No. We’re not calm, because this story is not calm. [laughs]
Kim: Great. Fine.
Sequoia: And I'm very excited about it, but first we have a couple of things to say... at you.
Kim: Yes!
Both: Glitterrrr!!
Kim: You have until May 31st to get your submissions in to us in our email web zone.
Sequoia: Just a couple more weeks left to finish up all those little ideas that have been running around right there in your brain hole. Get those down onto paper or onto your laptop or whatever and send them over to fanaticalfics@gmail.com with Yes! Glitter!! in your subject line.
Kim: Correct. And I said this before, but I wanted to bring it up again. Everyone who gets into Yes Glitter!! gets a Yes! Glitter!! sent to them! At your house!
Sequoia: To your house.
Kim: Or wherever. [Sequoia laughs] So make sure you get those in to us. We want them. Real bad.
Sequoia: We do. [laughs] I'm very excited for Yes! Glitter!!
Kim: Oh yeah. The other thing we wanted to talk about is that we have a problem.
Sequoia: Oh yes, we have a problem. It's a good problem, it’s not…
Kim: It is a good prob... it's a good problem to have.
Sequoia: We’re not mad about the problem.
Kim: No, yeah, but it is a problem.
Sequoia: It is a problem.
Kim: We’re like a year behind on reviews.
Sequoia: Yeah. We are… we are gettin’ there.
Kim: And we are never going to catch up.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: So, thank you all for sending in your amazing reviews. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, we're cutting the reviews segment. That's gone now, because we just can't keep up. We're… we can't keep up. We're never gonna catch up, we're never gonna keep up, it's a… it's a lot a bit.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And we're way behind. So we're super, super, super grateful to everybody who leaves us a review. We really, really hope that people keep leaving us reviews.
Kim: We're gonna… we're not gonna stop looking at them. We love them.
Sequoia: No! Read them all the time. But we just…
Kim: That little little ego boost that they give me. Right to the ego zone.
Sequoia: Sometimes I need it. Sometimes I need it. And we're not gonna stop reading them, we're not gonna stop loving them, and we really hope that you keep leaving them.
Both: Thank you.
Sequoia: For your reviews.
Kim: Thank you. Thank you so much. We like you all so much. And what this all means is that right now, we've only been recording for like five minutes. We're ready to go!
Sequoia: Let's do it! It's time for fanfiction already.
Kim: This is wrong. No, wait, this is wrong. This is wrong. [Sequoia laughs] This is weird and wrong. We need to talk about something, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Okay.
Both: Ummm….
Sequoia: What do we talk about?
Kim: [whispering] Yes.
Sequoia: I made a video.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Oh, we could talk about that!
Kim: We could.
Sequoia: I made… I made a Butterbeer tutorial video.
Kim: I mean, I guess plug your shit or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah, follow me!
Kim: Your personal projects.
Sequoia: Follow me for my personal projects, @SequoiaSimone. [Kim laughs] Watch my Butterbeer tutorial.
Kim: It's very good. It's a good tutorial.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: It's a good recipe.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: It wasn't a total disaster. [Sequoia laughs] I’m very excited for your cooking channel. I think it's gonna be some good content. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh wow! Sure, my cooking channel. I cooked once. Yeah. [both keep laughing]
Kim: Never mind. Yeah, okay. @SequoiaSimone.
Sequoia: Okay, that was… yeah. Follow me at the places. Thanks everyone. Let's read some fucking fanfiction, my dude. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, all right.
Sequoia: We're so stupid. Okay, I'm gonna need some predictions.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay, actually, you know what? I do have something to say.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The predictions that have been rolling in on Instagram have been just, like, fucking straight fire. You guys are weird. [both laugh] I love it so much.
Kim: I really… I really don't understand what's up with the Instagram predictions energy. It's weird as fuck.
Sequoia: They’re so fuckin’ weird. Woo! [both laugh] I put the weirdest ones on our story. We have a bunch of highlights if you wanna go back and look at all the weird shit people send us. It's great. I love it. It's inspiring.
Kim: Sure. I guess.
Sequoia: So make sure to get your predictions sent in to us. You can do that on Twitter, #FanficDivination. You can reply to the question on our Instagram story. You can sort of shout them into the void. We won't get them that way. But you could if you wanted to. Let’s…
Kim: Colin’ll get ‘em. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh yeah, no, definitely. If you shout them into the void Colin will hear. And he will appreciate it.
Kim: He'll... he'll… he'll let us know.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay, let's get those predictions in for a story entitled Willow’s Thorn. It did not have tags, so I had to give it tags. This is…
Kim: Okay, wait, is this… is this an AO3 fic?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh, it's a FF fic with no tags.
Sequoia: With no tags. This is action/adventure. And… [laughs]
Kim: Action/adventure?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. There's some… there is some action…
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: ...scenes.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: And it is… it was written post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: [whispers] You shithead. [Sequoia snorts] Willow's…
Sequoia: Where it’s always.
Kim: Willow’s Thorn.
Sequoia: Willow’s Thorn.
Kim: That's nothing.
Sequoia: I am aware. I'm aware!
Kim: Okay, I'm gonna guess there is a sword fight.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: In this.
Sequoia: As you usually do in this type of a fanfiction.
Kim: Not just that there are swords. I'm gonna guess that there's a sword fight.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Gotcha.
Kim: That's a little more specific, I think.
Sequoia: That’s a good, specific… yeah. Yeah.
Kim: I'm gonna guess that part of this takes place at Grimmauld Place.
Sequoia: Nice, okay.
Kim: And I'm gonna guess that Dumbledore is alive in this.
Sequoia: All right! Cool.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right. That's what I got.
Sequoia: Sounds good to me. We'll see.
Kim: I was just [Sequoia chuckles] so confused and mad.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know.
Kim: Willow’s Thorn? I feel like that title, like, gives me like vampire or like romance, angsty… but you didn't tag it any of that stuff. So I didn't guess it.
Sequoia: Right. Like, the title has a vibe.
Kim: It does! But your tags contradict that vibe.
Sequoia: The vibe is, like, very minorly there.
Kim: Okay, let's do this thing then.
Sequoia: This is Willow’s Thorn. [Kim chuckles] My eyes flashed open. There were bangs and shouts coming from downstairs.
Kim: [laughs] My eyes flashed open and there were bangs in front of them. [both laugh] Where did this hair come from?
Sequoia: That's a really big quarantine mood. You haven't been able to get a haircut.
Kim: Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. I love… so we're in a first person fic, which is always weird.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: For everyone.
Sequoia: Yes. Yeah, I have a… it's weird to read.
Kim: It is! [both laugh] All right, there's bangs and whatevers downstairs.
Sequoia: But this character’s amazing. Yeah. There were bangs and shouts coming from downstairs. My mother and I had been expecting this to come for a while now. Ever since my last visit from Sirius Black, my dad. [both laugh]
Kim: All right, so we got an OC. I hope Sirius is alive. Inexplicably.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Please give me living Sirius for no reason.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Pleease!
Sequoia: Ever since my last visit from Sirius Black, my dad...
Kim: [whiny drawl] Myyy faaather.
Sequoia: Fa… [whiny drawl] myyy faaather!
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: ...Death Eaters had been on our tails, chasing us from empty houses to hotels and derelict huts. They obviously hadn't realised I was up here. I got dressed as quickly as possible, pulling back my long, black, waist length hair before slipping out onto the landing. [laughs]
Kim: Just pullin’ it back, just holdin’ it. Just holdin’ it!
Sequoia: There was… there was a… there was an author's note.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Like a long one at the beginning.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: That had a character description…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: ...that wasn't in the fanfiction.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: And I feel like I need to bring this up. Like, I feel like this is… because not only does she have long, black, waist length hair…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...but it's not always black.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: Because her eye color and her hair color…
Kim: No. No.
Sequoia: ...change with her mood.
Kim: No. No.
Sequoia: She IS a mood ring!
Kim: Noooo.
Sequoia: Just a… a whole person sized mood ring. [laughs]
Kim: [scoffs] So fucking weird!
Sequoia: [laughs] Uncontrollable. She can't control it.
Kim: Ugh, fine.
Sequoia: It just happens.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But right now, her… it is… it is black in this current instance.
Kim: Do… does the author tell us what the colors mean? I like it when they don't! But I also like it when they do.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah I, like, kind of wish that they had.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But they don't, because it never really comes up. [Kim laughs] So… but it was necessary for us to know that.
Kim: Okay -
Sequoia: In the author's note portion.
Kim: [high pitched] That’s a weird place to put that! Is there more? I gotta know, Sequoia. Can you please… will you just give us the damn character description.
Sequoia: It's just that she has long, black, waist length hair that changes color. That was the whole character description.
Kim: Okay. Okay, good. I didn't…
Sequoia: So…
Kim: I was… I was worried I was missing something.
Sequoia: It was… no, it was the color changing that was missing right here, and…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...it’s a necessary portion of the fanfiction, while simultaneously not being necessary at all.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. She pulled up her hair.
Kim: All right, so we got our living… our living mood ring character…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...running out onto the landing.
Sequoia: She's running out onto the landing. The Death Eaters don't know she's there.
Kim: Okay. They do, that’s why they’re there.
Sequoia: Below me… Right. [both laugh] Below me, I saw a circle of men, dressed in black robes, surrounding my mother with their wands out. She had hers raised, too. I could just see her curly red hair and sky blue eyes.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: I don’t know, I mean…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: I dunno. [laughs]
Kim: That's fine.
Sequoia: She's got… her mom's got red hair and blue eyes, and…
Kim: And you can see them.
Sequoia: ...is about to become irrelevant.
Kim: A second… oh yeah, she's dead.
Sequoia: [laughs] I had a bad feeling about what was coming next.
Kim: No shit. [Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: “You realise we’ve been chasing you for three months now, Ms. Black?" one of the circle said, with a cold, drawling voice. I saw my mother nod once. "Well then, this won't be much of a shock to you.” I saw the…
Kim: I mean, death is always a little bit of a surprise.
Sequoia: Yeah, you k… you hope. [both laugh] Just crossin’ her fingers. No, they found you.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Also this character is never… they never say it's Lucius Malfoy. But like…
Kim: It’s clearly… yeah, obviously.
Sequoia: It is.
Both: Yeah.
Kim: No way.
Sequoia: It is? I saw the man flick his wand, emitting a flash of bright green light. "MUM!" I screamed.
Kim: Stupid. [laughs] Don't do that! [Sequoia laughs] Shut the fuck up!
Sequoia: You just said they don’t know you’re there.
Kim: The Death Eaters don't know you're there. Because apparently Death Eaters can't see stairs.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They don’t know what stairs are.
Sequoia: They were very focused. [laughs]
Kim: Sure. Fine. Why are they killing her? Ne… never mind. It doesn't… it's…
Sequoia: It’s… it is actively irrelevant.
Kim: You chase her all over the country just to murder her on sight, like what the fuck’s the point?
Sequoia: She's Sirius Black’s whatever.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And they don't like Sirius Black.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: Was she actually resisting them? Had she…
Sequoia: She's…
Kim: They didn't even give her the choice to join them.
Sequoia: No, they didn’t.
Kim: They don't kidnap her, to use her as bait.
Sequoia: I think they thought that was a lost cause.
Kim: All right, fine.
Sequoia: They don't need to use her as bait.
Kim: ‘Cause Sirius is dead?
Sequoia: ‘Cause Sirius is definitely dead.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Sorry.
Kim: Bummer.
Sequoia: "MUM!" I screamed, forgetting completely that there were Death Eaters here, ready to whisk me away to some unknown lair.
Kim: I forgot why I was screaming in the middle of screaming! [Sequoia laughs] [quietly] What are you doin’? What are you doin’?
Sequoia: That is, until the whole circle turned to look at me. I gasped, clasping my hands over my mouth.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: "Well, if it isn't little Miss Houdini!" the speaker drawled again.
Kim: Is her name actually Houdini?
Sequoia: It's not!
Kim: Okay. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It would almost make more sense if her name was Houdini.
Kim: Yeah, that didn't make any sense. But fine, continue.
Sequoia: They’ve just… I mean, they've been looking for them for a while, and they keep escaping.
Kim: Fine. I guess that…
Sequoia: So… so little Miss Houdini, who they… I think they had also forgotten about her?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She forgot they were there. They forgot she was there.
Kim: Oh, right! We were looking for two people!
Sequoia: Ah! little Miss Houdini. I glowered at him. "You'll never get me!" I cried. [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: I cried, and with that I ran back into my room. Thinking quickly, I locked the door [Kim scoffs] and placed a spell… [laughs]
Kim: That’s not gonna do anything.
Sequoia: Like, you'll never get me! I'm in my room and the door is locked! [both laugh]
Kim: That's nothing.
Sequoia: I locked the door and placed a spell on my belongings to teleport them to wherever I stopped next.
Kim: Gotta keep your stuff!
Sequoia: Gotta keep your stuff in this whatever you're doing.
Kim: Yeah, you're…
Sequoia: I also feel like… couldn't then somebody, like, latch onto that spell?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Or something?
Kim: She thought of that.
Sequoia: No? Gotcha.
Kim: But she definitely needs her CD collection wherever she's going, so…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Can't leave that behind.
Sequoia: Can't leave behind Green Day’s…
Kim: Your mom is fucking dead. [Sequoia laughs] And you're like, ugh, can't leave my stuff!
Sequoia: Gotta get my stuff.
Kim: Can't forget my diary!
Sequoia: [laughs] But if somebody got her diary, they’d know all her secrets. [both laugh] Suddenly, the door was knocked off its hinges and fell to the floor in a cloud of dust. There in front of me…
Kim: Oh right, doors. [Sequoia laughs] Never mind.
Sequoia: Like, this is not a sufficient barrier. Right. Magic.
Kim: Right, magic!
Sequoia: Or just like, a lot of force.
Kim: Or just a kick. Yeah. [Sequoia chuckles] Who's b… who's standing before her, Sequoia?
Sequoia: There in front of me was the man. Correction, the MURDERER. [both laugh]
Kim: Got ‘em!
Sequoia: [laughs] Correction! [laughs] I love that line a lot.
Kim: Yeah, it’s good.
Sequoia: I could see him better now. I stared into his face and those cold, ice gray eyes.
Kim: Yeah, this is totally Lucius.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Yeah, this is Lucius.
Sequoia: You like, you could speculate before, but now it's like, confirmed.
Kim: Nah, it’s Lucius. Or Draco! Maybe it’s Draco! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Draco's not a murderer.
Kim: He's also not a man.
Sequoia: He’s a coward.
Kim: He's a child.
Sequoia: He's a boy.
Kim: The boy?!
Sequoia: Correction, the murderer! I memorized that face and I wasn't going to forget it.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: He grinned, as did the Death Eater next to him. It was a woman with heavy lidded eyes and long, lank black hair. If she hadn't been so grubby, she probably would have looked very beautiful.
Kim: She's your… aunt?
Sequoia: Cousin?
Kim: Cousin. Yeah, cousin. Fine.
Sequoia: Cousin. Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: You know, older cousins? Aunts.
Sequoia: Basically, basically.
Kim: I don't know how families work.
Sequoia: Oh god. My super racist aunt is here now. [Kim laughs] Great.
Kim: Are the Malfoys… the Malfoys aren't directly related to her, are they? No. Well, probably through something.
Sequoia: They are all related.
Kim: Yeah, fine.
Sequoia: Technically.
Kim: So this is her aunt and uncle.
Sequoia: Yes. [laughs] Sure. This time it was she who spoke. "I remember when I was doing this to your dear old daddy!" she laughed, a cold screeching laugh, like a pack of evil seagulls. [both cackle] How do you differentiate a normal seagull from an evil seagull, one.
Kim: ‘Cause seagulls are definitely all evil.
Sequoia: Or are all seagulls evil?
Kim: Yes, yes! [Sequoia laughs] All seagulls are evil, obviously. But also, that is so not threatening.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man! It’s like a pack of evil seagulls, that woman was.
Kim: What does that even… what does that sound like? Seagulls are… no, I'm not gonna try to make a seagull noise, never mind. Here we go. Please continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man, okay, fine.
Kim: That was a… that was a bad thought that I had just now, that's gone.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! I counted to three before heaving myself up onto the windowsill. I looked down. At four storeys high, it wouldn't be a pretty sight if I fell. [Kim snorts] “Well…”
Kim: Wait, she's four stories up?
Sequoia: Yeah, apparently this is a...
Kim: And she could see the color of her mom's eyes?
Sequoia: Yeah, but only the color of her mom's hair and the color of her mom's eyes. I don't think she could distinguish any other, like, features? [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, she didn't have enough of a view of Lucius to memorize his face until he came in through the door. She's four stories up?!
Sequoia: Yeah. She's four… I don't know where they are.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: The place they're in…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: …is four storeys high.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: So she's there.
Kim: So she's not gonna jump.
Sequoia: She’s… well, okay. At four…
Kim: Bella's going to kill her.
Sequoia: Sure! Sure.
Kim: Fine, continue.
Sequoia: "Well, I think I'll be going now," I told them brightly. They laughed. "Oh really?" giggled the woman. "And how are you going to do that, then? FLY?"
Kim: [quietly] Oh, no.
Sequoia: She laughed at this final part.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: I smiled. This confused them, so now was my chance.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: "Yes, actually, so, ta-ta for now!" And with that, I fell backwards out of the window.
Kim: Uh huh. Are there not Death Eaters waiting outside? Never mind.
Sequoia: There's no one. Everyone’s…
Kim: Also, you know…
Sequoia: They’re still makin’ their way up the stairs. It's four storeys, they’re a little winded.
Kim: If you’re not… if she doesn’t… if she doesn't vanish this instant… BELLA CAN USE MAGIC!
Sequoia: [laughs] No, they're confused, didn't you hear?
Kim: No! Continue.
Sequoia: They’re confused.
Kim: [shouting] They're all wizards!
Sequoia: [laughs] I fell backwards out of the window. A split second later, I had transformed...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …into a pigeon. [both burst into laughter]
Kim: Fuck, that’s good! Oh fuck! [both laugh] Oh man! Holy shit!
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Oh, that’s the good stuff. Thank you. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Whoo.
Kim: I was so sure she was gonna grow a magnificent pair of fairy wings.
Sequoia: Nah!
Kim: Like, that is so much more than what I was expecting from this. Oh, thank you. That was beautiful.
Sequoia: You're welcome. [laughs] So she transformed into a pigeon.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I flapped along through the city. She escaped. She flew away.
Kim: She's… pigeons are not fast.
Sequoia: She flew away. She was a pigeon. They were all confused.
Kim: Yep. Yep.
Sequoia: And then she turned into a pigeon, and then they were all like, what the flying fuck? And then… [laughs] and then she escaped.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: In the confusion.
Kim: Right. Right. Right.
Sequoia: Gotta be specific about the confusion.
Kim: I think, yeah, I think turning into a pigeon’s pretty confusing.
Sequoia: I mean, I would be confused. Yeah. [laughs] Like, really, that’s it?
Kim: It’s also possible that there was like, a flock of pigeons that she, like, flew away with. What about…
Sequoia: Right? Camouflage.
Kim: Yeah. Pigeons are everywhere.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's a great animagus form.
Sequoia: Is it an animagus form? Cool.
Kim: How do you say that fucking word? Never mind.
Sequoia: Ani-may-gus? Ani-mah-gus.
Both: Ani-mayj-us.
Sequoia: Ana-whatever. [chuckles]
Kim: Animal magician. Animorph!
Sequoia: Yeah, that's what she is. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Oh, no! Con… never mind. [Sequoia laughs] I assume we'll get wherever that's going.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, we'll get there. We will get there. I flapped along through the city, when I remembered my mum telling me about…
Kim: Pigeons… pigeons fly so loud, their stupid fucking wings. They're like [makes wing flapping sound]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, there's nothing really covert about it, except the camouflage…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …portion. Yeah, not really stealthy. Not a stealth bird.
Kim: God, this is… so we've got this, like, mood ring OC, and she's transformed into a pigeon. That's just such a disconnect from what I expect from OCs. I am just blown away by this. Thank you.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: I continue to be blown away.
Sequoia: And you will continue to be blown away. Good. Great. When I remembered my mum telling me about a place not too far from here. Where was it? Oh yeah, number twelve Grimmauld Place.
Kim: [gasps] Whaaaat?
Sequoia: Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: Pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: Got a point, buddy!
Kim: Got ‘em! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Nice. That was a good call.
Kim: Thank you!
Sequoia: That was a very good call.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: I swooped down to the ground, sure that I was far away enough from the Death Eaters now.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And turned into my usual form (well, when I'm animal shaped, that is).
Kim: Her usual animal form? Sequoia!
Sequoia: Oooop! [laughs]
Kim: What is it?
Sequoia: Yeah, her… her usual animal form.
Kim: That's not a thing!
Sequoia: …of a large, bear like black dog, a red stripe on my right ear. [Kim laughs] It's her usual animal form, as opposed to a pigeon, which is, like, not generally her thing, you know. But like, for the… for the… for the moment, for camouflage purposes.
Kim: Uh huh. [laughs]
Sequoia: And now she can go back to being a big black dog with a red stripe on her ear. [Kim laughs] What?
Kim: She doesn’t have a red stripe in her hair! Does she?
Sequoia: No? But I mean, maybe sometimes though, whoever knows what the fuck color her hair is! [both laugh]
Kim: We still don’t have a name for this OC, Sequoia!
Sequoia: I know, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. You'll get it. You're gonna… you're gonna get it. Just a fucking second, man.
Kim: Is it… is it Raven?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Is it Ebony?
Sequoia: [laughing] No!
Kim: Serena. Saphira.
Sequoia: [laughs] No.
Kim: Selene.
Sequoia: [laughing] No. Stop guessing! Padding along, I saw a street sign reading, Grimmauld Place.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I had found it!
Kim: Good job. What?
Sequoia: And without any effort, too. [Kim laughs] She just, like, landed and was like, oh look, there it is.
Kim: She's a… she’s a homing pigeon.
Sequoia: [laughs] Blah blah blah magic something something.
Kim: Blah blah blah pigeon magic.
Sequoia: She’s there. [both laugh] Sorry. Ugh, pigeon magic! As I walked along the street, I looked at the house numbers. Number ten.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Number eleven.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Number thirteen.
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: Wait. Where was Number twelve?
Kim: Wait a second! I know how to count!
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: I’ve met numbers before.
Sequoia: Use my good sleuthing detective skills. There's a number between those two numbers! As if to answer my question, a house suddenly materialised out of thin air.
Kim: Yo, that's not how secret keeping works.
Sequoia: But what if she was told once?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: As a young child.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: In a memory that she doesn't…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …remember.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: In the… okay. A house suddenly materialised out of thin air. Magic! I thought. [both laugh] And where there was magic, there had to be witches and wizards! Sure.
Kim: Do you not know whose house this is? What are you doing?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: What are you doing?
Sequoia: She doesn’t… [sighs]
Kim: Her mom told her about this house.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And somehow she got in on the secret.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: And she doesn't know whose house it is.
Sequoia: Nope. [pause] Nope. [Kim sighs] [Sequoia laughs] Don't roll your eyes like that at me!
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: This is what I brought you.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: I padded over to the door, which, to my surprise, was slightly ajar.
Kim: That is weird.
Sequoia: I bumped the door open with my nose. Yeah, don't leave your fucking door open. In the secret headquarters.
Kim: That's how you get a draft. You're gonna let the air out. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Sure, a draft. That's the one. [both laugh]
Kim: Magic air conditioning’s expensive. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Magic swamp cooler. You gotta keep all the doors closed. I bumped the door open with my nose and walked in.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: There in front of me were two wizards deep in conversation and a witch with bubblegum pink hair…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …who was now looking at me.
Kim: Okay, I was gonna say they didn't notice this giant fucking dog walk in. Fine. No, but they do.
Sequoia: This is a stray dog. "Hey, Moody, Lupin, look!" she called to them. The two wizards turned to look at me. One looked a lot older than he smelled (I'm a dog still, remember).
Kim: No, I didn't remember.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: What the fuck does that… never mind, fucking…
Sequoia: She… she smelled him and he smells young and he looks old.
Kim: [whispering] He smells like…
Sequoia: He's… that's... I don't know, are you a dog? [laughs]
Kim: Fine, fine, that’s how dogs work.
Sequoia: How would you know? Remember, she's a dog still.
Kim: Still.
Sequoia: [laughs] And the other had a large electric blue eye which was swivelling around in its socket very rapidly.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: [gruffly] "Well? It's a dog. What about it?" asked the one with the swivelly eye. That doesn't seem very vigilant. You’re like, this dog just wandered into, like, our secret place that no one's supposed to be able to see.
Kim: Uh huh, and Moody’s like, yep, that's a dog!
Sequoia: So, cool. Dog. And…?
Kim: I feel like he would just fucking kill it. Bah! Dog!
Sequoia: Probably. [laughs]
Kim: And the dog explodes. And Lupin and Tonks are like, what the fuck?! [Sequoia laughs] Why would you do that?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: "Oh, come on Mad-Eye, doesn't she remind you a bit of... you know." the woman shrugged. The one I supposed was Lupin…
Kim: You know that guy? You know?
Sequoia: You know that…
Kim: [high pitched] You know? The dog? It kinda looks like… you know. You know?
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: You know?
Sequoia: You know? They… they're very like… the author is very purposefully making it so that no one is saying the name of Sirius Black because then everything would unravel that happens from here forward.
Kim: Oh dear.
Sequoia: She's gotta stay a dog for plot purposes. [Kim sighs] So…
Kim: And then they have to not be like, get the fuck out of this house, dog.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: And it’s gonna be achieved this way. The one I supposed was Lupin looked at me as though he had seen me somewhere before. I sat and tilted my head sideways, watching him. I realised that they were unsure whether I was a magical dog or a normal one.
Kim: Mhm. [Sequoia clears her throat] Okay.
Sequoia: I quickly flashed through a few animals to show them. Tiger, horse, mouse, deer, wolf, panther, unicorn, phoenix, [laughing] and back to the black dog again. [laughs] You're… you’re doing a lot of… a lot of uncomfortable movement. Where… where'd you go? Oh my god, she's just like, swaying.
Kim: The fuck is this?
Sequoia: [laughs] She's got… okay, so she's gotta reassure them.
Kim: That she's a magic dog. So instead of turning back into a human witch, she has decided to just change into a bunch of different animals?
Sequoia: She just does a little… does a little show. Shows us a whole bunch of different animals that she can become. So that they'll know she's a magic dog and let her stay.
Kim: It's… it’s nice that she slipped in a few magical creatures so that we know exactly how powerful she is. That's good.
Sequoia: Right. She can just become a phoenix?
Kim: That's fine.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: That's fine.
Sequoia: Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Turn into a unicorn? Great.
Kim: Do that.
Sequoia: Great. OP. [laughs]
Kim: I feel like Mrs. Black’s painting can't enjoy this.
Sequoia: No, this is… [laughs] Yeah, this is not… this is definitely wake up the portrait material.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But whatever.
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia: It's fine. I like that she just sort of became, like, a full grown horse.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And a full grown unicorn in the hallway.
Kim: In the hallway. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Into the entranceway to this…
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia: To this, like, old house. That's falling apart.
Kim: Maybe she was… maybe she was like a miniature horse.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. She turned into Li’l Sebastian. [both laugh] Oh. All right.
Kim: Or whatever!
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I've lost the thread.
Sequoia: Li’l…
Kim: This is so…
Sequoia: Okay. She's back to the black dog again.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: "I think she stays!" said Lupin happily. I don't know why…
Kim: Wha…?
Sequoia: I don't know how that logic follows. Honestly?
Kim: She could be anyone!
Sequoia: Anyone! Nope! She's a magic dog. So she gets to stay.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: For magic purposes. I wagged my tail happily. For now, I would stay as a dog to see if these people were worth trusting and staying with. The woman shouted.
Kim: So they…
Sequoia: Hm?
Kim: So they… they think… they just…
Sequoia: Mhm? Mhm? Mhm? [pause] Mhm?
Kim: Heh. [makes confused noises]
Sequoia: Mhm? She's a magic dog. [pause] [Kim smacks her lips] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Uh huh? The woman shouted into one of the rooms.
Kim: Come look at this fucking dog!
Sequoia: "Haaaarryyyy!" [laughs]
Kim: What? Who’d she yell for?
Sequoia: "Haaaarryyyy!"
Kim: Oh, gross.
Sequoia: Harry's gonna have to take care of the dog now.
Kim: Harry, come take care of this fucking dog!
Sequoia: Like, this dog wandered in, turned into a bunch of different animals. We've decided it can stay, but we're busy. So, Harry, if you could come…
Kim: Go feed the dog. Take it on a walk. Probably needs to poop. Harry, pick up this dog’s poop!
Sequoia: [laughs] "Yeeess?" came the reply. A bored…
Kim: It pooped while it was a unicorn. [Sequoia laughs] It’s gross.
Sequoia: Rainbow poop. Sparkly rainbow poop.
Kim: Ugh, sorry.
Sequoia: A bored looking boy about the same age as me poked his head around the door. "Uh, could you take..." she looked at the name tag I had around my neck. [Kim exhales] Rough.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: "Could you take Rose upstairs?" she continued. The boy called Harry looked at me and froze. "She… she looks…" he stammered, his emerald green eyes wide. The witch smiled grimly. "I know she does, Harry, but she's not. Now just take her upstairs, will you?" She patted him on the… what are… why are you shaking your head like that?
Kim: What is happening?! Why is anyone doing anything?!
Sequoia: For some reason they’re all completely avoiding saying Sirius’s name at all so that Rose will continue to not trust them, and therefore stay in a dog shaped form.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: For plot purposes.
Kim: Just con… just continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Now just take her upstairs, will you?" She patted him on the back gently. Harry whistled quietly and I bounded after him up the stairs. I carried on running up the stairs, weaving around Harry, trying to make him smile. For some reason, when he saw me he had become rather quiet and withdrawn. "Okay, so where are we staying?" I asked. I then realized that Harry probably wouldn't understand Doggish. [Kim makes confused sounds] Nothing? Nothing? Nothing about Doggish? No? Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool. On the second floor, he pushed a door open and I scurried in. Still determined to make an improvement on Harry's mood, I hopped up onto the nearest bed and jumped up and down like a little kid. Harry couldn't help but laugh. I must have looked so odd. I woofed and lay down on the bed.
Kim: Yep. [laughs] S’all fine.
Sequoia: I pawed… this is fine. This is a dog doing some dog stuff. I pawed…
Kim: Why doesnt she know who Harry fucking Potter is? Never mind, it’s fine.
Sequoia: Okay, she doesn't know who anyone is. She doesn’t know where she is. And I’m going to refer back to the aforementioned author’s note at the top. She’s homeschooled.
Kim: Oh yeah, that’s why she’s weird.
Sequoia: By her mother. And they… they're sort of secret, and on the run.
Kim: But her mom… her mom did a shit job if she doesn't know who Harry fucking Potter is.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t know why she wouldn't tell her that? That seems… I dunno why. I don’t know what the purpose of that is. But they were constantly on the run from the Ministry apparently, which doesn't make any sense.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Because if the Ministry knows that she exists, then why don't these people know that she exists?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: But that’s what’s happening. She doesn't know who Harry is. [Kim snickers] I pawed at his face, and my paw touched a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. Instantly there was a flash of green light in my head. [Kim groans] Small clips of memory flooded into my mind. [Kim groans harder] [Sequoia laughs] For context, I think that Kim is dead. I think I killed her. [Kim sighs] Hello?
Kim: I just… I don't know that I can put up with this OC’s bullshit! [both laugh]
Sequoia: What… what… what bullshit? [Kim groans] She just has like fifty five powers. Unique powers. Fifty five of them.
Kim: Uh huh. All right.
Sequoia: I dunno what's wrong here. [laughs]
Kim: So now she’s getting flashes of memories from Harry's scar.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: Like years and years of rolls of film. I took my paw away quickly.
Kim: Is she mind melding with him?!
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ‘Kay. Except he’s not getting anything from her. Is he getting stuff from her too?
Sequoia: Hold...
Kim: Gahhhh.
Sequoia: …for the text, man!
Kim: I gotta know if this is like a Vulcan mind meld.
Sequoia: I mean, I can't… I couldn’t tell you. [Kim guffaws] I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. [both laugh] I took my paw away quickly. Although that moment had only lasted a second or two, it felt as though we had been glued together like that for all of our lives…
Kim: That’d be really uncomfortable.
Sequoia: …and I had seen all that he had seen, and vice versa.
Kim: Having a dog glued to your forehead for your entire life, I think that’d be really uncomfortable. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Stupid!
Kim: All right, so he’s seen all of her memories, so he knows who she is now.
Sequoia: Yeah. No.
Kim: No. No! [Sequoia laughs] NO! [more laughter] NO! [both laugh helplessly]
Sequoia: I'm crying! Oh my god. [both continue laughing and sobbing] Whoo! Nope! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. As the light faded, I noticed a green thread running from my forehead to his, just briefly, before that too, disappeared. Harry blinked at me in disbelief. "Okaaay, that was kind of weird," I thought. To my surprise, Harry laughed slightly. "Tell me about it!" he replied. [Kim exhales] He blinked at me. "Wait a minute," he muttered. "Who said that?"
Kim: [deep voice] I can read this dog’s mind now!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: This dog… okay, she did say that she had… felt like she lived his entire life and vice versa, right? That was in the story, right?
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: I didn't black out and imagine that?
Sequoia: Nope, that’s… that's what she said. And then…
Kim: And now Harry’s gonna be like, why can I read this dog’s mind?
Sequoia: Yes. [laughs] "Who said that?" he asked to the room in general. Well, the only person who spoke was me, but he can't possibly understand me, can he? I thought.
Kim: Can he?!
Sequoia: What do you think that this whole green flashes string was?
Kim: Who knows? How does magic work? What is magic?
Sequoia: However I want it to! I thought.
Kim: When are her CDs gonna show up? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh yeah! That’s true. It’d be weird if you were like, oh, we let this magic dog in and then all this hu… all these human possessions showed up! [both laugh] What does a dog need this Green Day CD for? [laughs]
Kim: [snorts] That's a lotta Green Day CDs!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh god. Harry blinked down at me. "Rose?" he asked. "Yes?" I replied worriedly. We both screamed. Ahhh! Had I not been freaked out of my wits, I would have laughed. Sure.
Kim: Ha hah ahahha.
Sequoia: Ahhhhahah. "What the heck is going on? I'm talking to a DOG?" he cried. I whimpered and crept underneath the bed. I wonder if he can hear ALL my thoughts, or just the ones that I would say if I was a human, I thought to myself.
Kim: That’s a good question.
Sequoia: ‘Cause here’s the thing, she can't hear his thoughts.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: He’s saying those things out loud.
Kim: Yes. [pause]
Sequoia: So yeah, maybe he can only…
Kim: Hear the ones that she would say.
Sequoia: Hear the ones she would say out loud.
Kim: She’s… she would... that doesn't… okay. Fine.
Sequoia: Sure. I thought to myself. I stayed there for a while before Harry seemed to notice that I was gone.
Kim: Huh. Wait what? [laughs]
Sequoia: Suddenly, a face appeared in the gap. [both laugh]
Kim: You crawled under the bed, and then seconds later Harry's like, where’d this dog go? That dog…
Sequoia: Yeah, Harry was so freaked out, he was like, so in his own…
Kim: He blacked out.
Sequoia: [laughing] He blacked out, and then he was like, “Where’d that dog go, was that dog even real?” [both laugh]
Kim: Ghost dog!
Sequoia: Whoo! Suddenly, a face appeared in the gap between the bed and the floor.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: "You okay?" He asked. "Yeah, I suppose," I replied. I noticed that Harry seemed to be a little freaked out. I crept out.
Kim: Just a little!
Sequoia: Just a little, I mean, he’s just…
Kim: He lived all of this dog’s life and now he can read its thoughts.
Sequoia: [laughs] And the dog seemed to have, like, a weirdly human life!
Kim: [high pitched] Oooh!
Sequoia: It’s like, do you usually homeschool your dogs?
Kim: [laughs] Maybe magic dogs get homeschooled.
Sequoia: [laughs] We don’t really know a lot about magic dogs, honestly.
Kim: No, we really don't.
Sequoia: I crept out from under the bed and jumped up on top of it, sitting next to Harry. "So how come we can talk to each other?" he asked, now becoming more or less at ease at talking to me. I thought for a while. I had tried talking to Harry coming up the stairs, yet he hadn't replied. Then, there had been the big green flash.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That had been weird.
Kim: [sarcastically] Yeah!
Sequoia: I seemed to remember doing things I had no recollection of.
Kim: That’s… wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Sequoia: Never mind. I told Harry this and he looked shocked. Again. "But why did that happen?" he asked.
Kim: Good question. Why is…
Sequoia: “How should I know?"
Kim: Why is any of this happening?
Sequoia: "Maybe we should try to figure this out later." I suggested.
Kim: Later?! [Sequoia laughs] Let’s just make out for now!
Sequoia: Harry and the dog?! Oh no!
Kim: What are we gonna do instead?
Sequoia: They're gonna go get a snack.
Kim: Okay. Snack time?
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: Yeah, when weird stuff happens to me and I mindmeld with a dog I usually am a little peckish. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: "I'm hungry! FOOD! I need food!" I then fell over onto my back in a mock dead position. Harry grinned and tickled my belly. "Fine, fine! We’ll eat!" And with that he got up and led me downstairs. I saw a clock on the way down and noticed we had been there for more than three hours! [both laugh] I’d like to think that the… the flash happened in like, two seconds.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And they’re… they think it only took two seconds, but they were just, like, standing… they were there with the paw on the forehead…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For like an hour and a half.
Kim: Yes, they definitely were.
Sequoia: I bounded full pelt down the stairs, knocking Harry down the last flight.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: He grinned. [laughs]
Kim: Thanks for pushing me down the stairs?
Sequoia: They're best friends now. Because they’ve lived each other's lives.
Kim: Their entire lives, yeah sure why not.
Sequoia: Yeah. So now…
Kim: A flight of stairs is a long way to fall!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: I think, you know, it was just a… it was a friendly joke.
Kim: Uh huh. Yeah, he used his Quidditch training to roll out of the way though. Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: [laughs] Sure. "Last one to the kitchen is a troll!" he cried, and sped off towards the kitchen door. "Hey! No fair!" I shouted back, and pelted after him. I butted the door open with my head and padded into the kitchen. On the table there were some chicken sandwiches. Not being one for eating dog food, I propped my front paws on the table.
Kim: Because I'm not really a dog.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I’m not… not a dog. Can’t eat that shit. I propped my paws on the table.
Kim: Also, they definitely don’t have any dog food in that house.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t know why they would have dog food.
Kim: For Sirius.
Sequoia: [laughs] Sirius did like dog food.
Kim: It was a sex thing. [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: Goddamnit. [laughs] What the fuck, dude? Okay. I propped my front paws on the table, and within ten seconds, all three sandwiches were gone.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: And they were pretty darn big.
Kim: Rude!
Sequoia: Yeah! Eat all fucking three sandwiches, you asshole. Just then, Harry came in through the side door. "ROSE!" He shouted. I tried to put on an innocent look. "It was, uh, a mouse! A really, really big, hungry, mouse! I would have stopped it, but..." I couldn't think. Harry was coming toward me very slowly. I yelped and scrambled across the cold flagstone floor towards the door, running through it and into the hallway.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And that is where the story ends. [both laugh loudly] They did a mind meld and then ate some sandwiches, and that’s all I got for ya.
Kim: Dude, that’s fuckin’ stupid.
Sequoia: Oh my god I love it!
Kim: Ohhhhhhhh!
Sequoia: [laughs] She can turn into every animal, and is also a mood ring, and…
Kim: I’m so curious about where the hell they were gonna go with this shit.
Sequoia: I… I have no clue.
Kim: What the fuck was their little plan?
Sequoia: No fucking clue.
Kim: Was Harry just gonna keep her as a pet dog?
Sequoia: I think eventually she had to turn into a girl.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then they were roughly the same age…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: The author made sure to point out to us.
Kim: Right, yeah.
Sequoia: So they’re gonna make out.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But only when she’s a human and not a dog.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Because that would have been weird.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But yeah, there’s a romance there that didn’t really begin.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And she’s gonna help him defeat Voldemort?
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Probably?
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: There's definitely a whole dramatic scene where she reveals herself to be Sirius Black’s daughter and…
Kim: Dog-hter.
Sequoia: Do… oh, wow. Oh wow. [pause] Oh wow! [both laugh] Oh no.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I’m upset.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: You got a point!
Kim: I did get a point. That is… true.
Sequoia: Somehow, in this whole crazy story, with all this crazy shit in it…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …you managed to get a point.
Kim: Yeah! I did!
Sequoia: I didn't see it coming.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I was… I was sure that you would not get a point on this story, because I mean, this story.
Kim: Willow’s Thorn.
Sequoia: This story is actually a really great candidate for…
Kim: A hold for the end please!
Sequoia: Hold for the end please.
Kim: Yes, it certainly is.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of ways you could go on this one. This is pretty open ended.
Kim: Because it went nowhere.
Sequoia: Yeah, so…
Kim: Write us a short explanation of where you think this is gonna go, and we may read it on the podcast, just like we’re about to do in this next segment.
Sequoia: [alarm noise] Boo doo doop boo doo doop! Hold for the end please!
Kim: No that's not it.
Sequoia: It’s something like that.
Kim: Oh, okay. Well. Whatever. Hold for the end please! [Sequoia laughs] Hold for the end please is a segment where we, the podcasters, read something from you, the listeners, where you write us the end of a story that we’ve read on the podcast that didn’t quite get finished in the episode or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The author didn’t quite finish it so you wrote the end of it, and I’m gonna read one now, from the New Years’ episode.
Sequoia: Yessss. New Year, New Blood Cult!
Kim: We got a New Year, New Blood Cult hold for the end please, from an anonymous listener in our email, and it goes a little something like this!
Sequoia: I’m so excited.
Kim: So I’m just gonna read this whole thing, why not?
Sequoia: Yeah, do it.
Kim: Harry’s blood cult weren't the only ones fighting Voldemort.
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: They were just the ones who were willing to get their hands dirty and do whatever it took to win. And therefore, they're the ones who get to make the rules once it's over.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: This is a post apocalyptic cult world!
Sequoia: Ooohh.
Kim: Where anything with a chance of leading to something like Voldemort again has been destroyed. The former Ministry of Magic has been flooded. Knockturn Alley and any known Death Eater houses, like Malfoy Manor, are permanently on fire…
Sequoia: [laughs] I like that detail.
Kim: This is awesome. …as a reminder not to repeat their mistakes. Daily executions are rooting out…
Sequoia: Holy shit!
Kim: …anyone who was even remotely involved.
Sequoia: Yikes!
Kim: Yikes! Blooood!
Sequoia: Yikes, Harry’s blood cult.
Kim: Bloooood! Blood cult! At first, known Death Eaters, then corrupt Ministry workers, and now they’ve moved on to anyone who expresses alarm about the blood cult. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Harry’s goin’ hard. Recently they’ve started executing known members of Dumbledore's Army, the other group who fought Voldemort.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: They were too weak to do what was necessary, [Sequoia laughs] and therefore are now too weak to stay in the new world.
Sequoia: What? [whispers] Yikes! Yikes.
Kim: But, Dean Thomas, apparently upstanding member of the blood cult, has a plan.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: When Hermione asks him to paint her some bloody snow, [Sequoia laughs] he smuggles the remaining members of Dumbledore's Army into the painting. And, when he reaches Harry’s throne room in what used to be Hogwarts’ Great Hall…
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: …sets them free to attack. They're hidden in the painting.
Sequoia: What!
Kim: How cool is that?
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: This is so cool.
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: This is epic. Epic battle ensues! And then we’ve got a parenthetical. (I want to note here that Cho is with the DA because that poor girl deserves some good.)
Sequoia: Agreed.
Kim: (And Blaise Zabini is there because we need a genderfluid icon present.) Which is correct.
Sequoia: Fuck yeah.
Kim: Fuck yeah we do. Cho. Cho’s there!
Sequoia: Cho’s here! [laughs]
Kim: The battle concludes with Neville Longbottom, leader of Dumbledore’s Army and Harry Potter’s ex-lover, freezing Harry.
Sequoia: Woooww!
Kim: He talks to Harry, begging him to wake up and end this! It doesn't have to be like this! Can’t he see this is just as bad as the world Voldemort wanted? He’s gone too far. But Harry just sneers. “It’s too late,” he tells Neville. “We can’t go back.”
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: “This isn’t you,” Neville replies, but Harry just laughs. “It is now,” he tells him. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh shit!
Kim: Oh, man! To destroy Voldemort, Harry had to sacrifice part of his own soul.
Sequoia: Ohh no!
Kim: The part that was accidentally made into a Horcrux. This is all that is left of him.
Sequoia: [whispers] Wow.
Kim: And so, with tears in his eyes, Neville must kill his love.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: As Harry dies, the cult falls apart. Some of them wake up from charms, some of them collapse of grief. Hermione and Charlie escape on dragons. And Neville concludes grimly that those two will just be another problem to solve, as Dumbledore’s Army tries yet again to rebuild the world.
Sequoia: [whispers] Wow. [Kim laughs] That was fucking incredible!
Kim: Wow, wow, wow! That’s a good end to that story though, right?
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: It gets real metal. [tough voice] Blood fight! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Wooww. Oh, I loved that!
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: That was great.
Kim: Thank you so much to the listener that sent that in to us. We love these… these silly silly things.
Sequoia: Yeah, if you have a hold for the end please that you wanna send in, email it to fanaticalfics@gmail.com with hold for the end please in the subject line.
Kim: Yep, we are accepting those for any story that you feel was not completed to your satisfaction, that we’ve read. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Doesn't matter.
Sequoia: All right, and now it is time to enter…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: All right, today I have a recommendation for you. It is called Hold On, and it’s a Percy/Oliver one shot. It’s very good.
Kim: Now, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Mhm?
Kim: You've gotta admit what you did.
Sequoia: I do have to admit what I did. So…
Kim: You did something very naughty.
Sequoia: I did do something very naughty. I uhhhhh…
Kim: Uh huh? [Sequoia laughs] Uh huh?
Sequoia: I…
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: …didn’t have a rec. And I was running out of time to look for a rec, [Kim cackles] so I posted on Twitter and asked for people to recommend some things to each other, and then I took one of them. [laughs]
Kim: Uh. Huh.
Sequoia: So I would like to thank the Twitter user…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: …who recommended this fanfiction.
Kim: Which Twitter user was it, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Thanks to Felicia, on Twitter. For this recommendation. It’s very good, and I love Percy/Oliver a lot, and there’s some passages of time. And it’s sort of a Percy/Oliver/Quidditch love triangle, which is fun.
Kim: Nice. Nice, nice. All right, thank you to the listener that sent that in to us. We appreciate that as well.
Sequoia: Yep!
Kim: Even though you didn’t know what you were doing.
Sequoia: Yep! [both laugh]
Kim: You can find that recommendation where you can find all of our recommendations, in the description of this episode, as well as on our website!
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Also on our website is our recommendation form!
Sequoia: If you are going to send us a fanfiction, please use the form. We have so many [laughs] people submitting fanfictions we gotta keep track of ‘em somehow. Whoo!
Kim: If they… if you do…
Sequoia: We love...
Kim: When you use the form, they go into our nice spreadsheet and they’re just there. The form dumps ‘em in the spreadsheet, we don’t have to do anything.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Please. Have mercy!
Sequoia: Please! There’s also links to our merch. We have some merch on our website, which is not currently shipping, but we will ship it to you as soon as that is a thing we can do. And then we have…
Kim: It’s shipping soon. It’s shipping soon.
Sequoia: Soon enough, yeah. I’m shipping stuff soon. And then our TeePublic, which has a variety of things on it, including, I think now, masks.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Face masks.
Kim: Oh, okay. [laughs] I dunno why, but I was thinking like Phantom of the Opera masks and I was like, why would anyone want…
Sequoia: We’ve talked about Phantom of the Opera masks on this fucking podcast like four times now, dude! What is that?
Kim: [sings] Masquerade! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: If you like this podcast and you want to help this podcast out, there’s a couple ways you can do that.
Kim: Way number one: leave us a review. We appreciate them.
Sequoia: Way number two: tell everyone you know!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Trick everyone 2020.
Kim: Way number three: support us on Patreon. Our patrons are goin’ at it in the Discord, and it's so fun!
Sequoia: I love it. I love it. I love it! Our tiers are still discounted until the end of June.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: Go check that out.
Kim: Heck yes, we’re havin’ so much fun. Speaking of patrons…
Sequoia: Oh yes, speaking of patrons. After six months, we do a little quick shout out. We did change the format just a little bit.
Kim: We changed the format of a couple things, of this, because we were drowning in everything.
Sequoia: Yeah, turns out when more people listen to your podcast all of a sudden, [both laugh] you have like eight thousand things to do and you're like, oh god, we gotta change how we do this. So Kim…
Kim: Here's our new shout out format.
Sequoia: Yeah, Kim's gonna…
Kim: I’m gonna do that.
Sequoia: Do that.
Kim: Here I go! [whiny drawl] Now listen here, old man, I don’t care if Cassandra herself made this prophecy. There is no way I’m moving in with those three Gryffindor morons. How does us living together defeat the Dark Lord? That doesn't make any sense! And why in Merlin’s name would we need to start a band? And don’t say we’re going to fight using the power of music, that’s not how magic works! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Thank you so much to Justin Dials, Tina Evanson, Emily Hawkins, Hannah Hobson, Elizabeth Barcellus, and Letitia for their support on Patreon.
Kim: Hope you liked that weird nonsense. [Sequoia laughs] Thanks as well to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It's their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Both: Byyyeee!