Episode 75: Nightmares/Dippet the Dipsht/Cedric and the Golden Egg
It’s a podcast where we decided reading two short stories and a poem was what we do now.
Recommendation: Things That Go Bump in the Night
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1205802/1/Things-That-Go-Bump-in-the-Night
Kim: So how's your hair doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] I've got… I've got, like, really real quarantine hair happening to me.
Kim: Uh huh, uh huh.
Sequoia: In a bad… In a bad w… it’s bad. It’s very bad.
Kim: I can't… I can’t see it under your headphones, and you probably can't quite tell what mine’s doing either, but I… I… I identified what mine was doing the other day.
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: Do you remember that haircut that everyone had in the early 90s? Like everyone. Men, women, the short thing that happened back then?
Sequoia: Oohh. Uh huh, yeah.
Kim: Yeah, that's what my hair’s doing. And soon…
Sequoia: Oh, your hair’s throwing it back.
Kim: And soon… and soon, as this continues, it's just going to go back in time ‘til we hit the 80s and I have a mullet.
Sequoia: [laughs] I… I'm getting… I'm way closer to a mullet than you are right now [Kim laughs] but that's because I have this side of my head shaved, but it's not really shaved any more.
Kim: [laughing] It’s not!
Sequoia: It’s got like kind of like a weird, like, inch, inch and a half of hair that I've like been smoothing down with hair product.
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia: It looks fucking weird, man. [laughs]
Kim: Nice. So we’re very lucky that we live in this audio format and we haven't been presenting our listeners with a chance to look at us and tell us that we look like a hot mess. [Sequoia laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello! I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Podcast. It's an audio format and you don't have to look at our hair right now.
Kim: [laughs] If I make your window small enough, I don't have to look at your hair either. [Sequoia laughs] You know what? That's something that I… [sighs] I was going to talk about this, I just remembered. This recording remotely thing is so hard because I have no way to know… I'm going to read you some nasty stuff today, and I have no way to know that you haven't turned my camera off and muted me. [Sequoia laughs] Other than trusting that you haven’t. But when I start reading you this nasty shit later, there's no… I have no guarantee that you're actually looking at me.
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. I probably… I mean, I'm probably not. [both laugh]
Kim: And that you haven't just, like…
Sequoia: But it’s like…
Kim: ...clicked away and are, I don’t know, looking at Twitter.
Sequoia: Here's the thing, you know, it's just like… the eye contact is so much less intense.
Kim: Uh huh. Yeah.
Sequoia: You know? Like, you can't say some nasty shit and then make intense eye contact with me.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because we're here over video chat. It just…
Kim: This is… it’s really hard. I don't understand how some people do this every episode.
Sequoia: Every episode, yeah.
Kim: That’s nuts.
Sequoia: I don't know. I don't know. [laughs]
Kim: Oh well. Oh, well. You better not turn me off.
Sequoia: I’m…
Kim: I guess this episode comes with a sexually explicit content warning. There it is. [Sequoia laughs] One of these… I’m reading… okay. I’m gonna say it right now.
Sequoia: Okay, go for it.
Kim: You finally completed your journey and read us a story that was long enough to fit two episodes.
Sequoia: I did.
Kim: You did a great job. You found us some amazing stuff. I have found three nothing stories today. [Sequoia laughs] And by found, I mean the listeners sent me three nothing stories and I'm gonna read ‘em. [both laugh hard]
Sequoia: Fucking incredible!
Kim: So the last one’s gonna have…
Sequoia: I don’t think we ever read three stories before.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I think I threatened to do it one time.
Kim: You did, one time, a really long time ago when we didn't have a great grasp on how much content we could fit into an episode. I think I’ve got it well enough that we're gonna be able to do this. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We'll see. I hope so.
Kim: But…
Sequoia: Honestly, this is a… this is a couple of milestones…
Kim: Yeah. Exactly.
Sequoia: ...that we’re hitting here just right in a row.
Kim: So the last one that I have planned is sexually explicit, so… [laughs]
Sequoia: All right, well…
Kim: There we go.
Sequoia: Well, there you go. There you have it. And now I know, and now I know what I'm getting myself into. All right!
Kim: All right!
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay!
Kim: Let's do some podcast business, yeah.
Sequoia: We are continuing to do livestreams.
Kim: Correct. Some of them are on Twitch and some of them are on YouTube.
Sequoia: [laughing] Some of them are on YouTube.
Kim: Because life is complicated.
Sequoia: Listen, Colin didn't want to do it on Twitch because he said he wasn't a gamer girl. [laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: So some of them are on YouTube, some of them are on Twitch, and we are reading these absolutely amazing stories written by our listeners. This last one, as of recording this episode, was actually written by Kim, so that was really fun.
Kim: Yeah. That was not incredibly embarrassing. Sure. [Sequoia laughs] I didn’t write… I didn’t write some Neville friendship harem shit. What was that?
Sequoia: [laughs louder] It was amazing.
Kim: Anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m doing ‘em. Kim’s doing ‘em. Colin’s done a couple of ‘em. So it's been really fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We announce those on our Twitter and our Facebook, so follow us on either of those places to know when our next livestream is.
Kim: Livestream. [laughs]
Sequoia: Livestream.
Kim: We're also announcing that we are extending the discounted Patreon tiers through the end of June.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Our Patreon… when you… when you enter those discounted tiers, you enter the Discord, and that place is going at it. [Sequoia laughs] I am not overwhelmed by it and scared and… [both laugh] it’s fine.
Sequoia: They’re doing all sorts of fun things over there. They’ll, like… all the time they just tag me and they’re like, hey, we need a new channel for this thing that we're doing. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, they're running a D&D campaign in there, which is amazing, and you should join because I bet it's really fun and I'm not so busy and overwhelmed that I'm barely keeping my head above water as is, so…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Exactly.
Kim: Don’t expect me in there much, but it's really fun.
Sequoia: It is really fun, they're doing fun stuff and reading fanfiction and doing D&D and sharing pictures of their pets. It's a… it’s a good time.
Kim: Watching movies. You're still leading movie watch every Friday, right? Probably?
Sequoia: Yeah, we do a movie watch every Friday. We have two times, so we hit your time zones, and it's fun. We're watching some like really… some like romance garbage.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ‘Cause we’re fanfiction people.
Kim: So… suresuresuresuresuresuresure. [Sequoia laughs] Yep. So go check out those discounted tiers, they're continuing to exist.
Sequoia: Also another thing you should do is submit to [singing] Yes! Glitterrrrrrrrr!!
Kim: [quickly] Submissions are open through the end of May. Send those to our email. Put Yes! Glitter!! in the subject line so we can find them easily.
Sequoia: Fics should be two thousand words or less. But we're not only taking fics, we're taking whatever you want to make. We've gotten SEVERAL crossword puzzles. [both laugh]
Kim: I want a crossword puzzle page!
Sequoia: Lots of crossword puzzles. I am so stoked.
Kim: We got a couple of wordsearches, too, right?
Sequoia: Yeah! [Kim laughs] We got some wordsearches, some crossword puzzles.
Kim: There's a coloring book page in there.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Look, it’s gonna be a good time.
Kim: Send us whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever! You have a weird idea? Send it to us.
Kim: We're excited to see it! Anyway.
Sequoia: And with that, we'll go ahead and get into reviews, yeah?
Kim: Yeah, let’s do that.
Sequoia: Shout out to gabsc_db who says we take them back to their fanfic filled childhood, and I'm happy to hear that we're getting that nostalgic reaction from our listeners because sometimes when I'm on a fanfic reading, like, roll, and especially in the time period that we're in, I feel like I'm actively transported back in time.
Kim: [laughs] Yes. Shout out to thehubmomma, who says this is some grown up fanfic love, and if this is what the grown up version of this podcast is, I am very concerned about what the adolescent version would be like.
Sequoia: [laughs] More poop jokes.
Kim: More poop!
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to 000000000000000130000000000000. [both laugh] Rude. Who titled their review, “All wizards are gay,” and then the review just says, “Well I guess I'm a wizard, then.” And I don't think we ever said, like, therefore, all gays are wizards, but I solidly stand behind that now.
Kim: Hell, yeah! [both laugh] Shout out to great2bekat, who says this podcast is like hanging out with your loud funny best friends, and you are correct. We are loud!
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to Dasher1227, who says, “Thank you for making me laugh daily,” and I'm not sure you should subject yourself to our nonsense daily, but you're welcome nonetheless.
Kim: Shout out to FF fangirl…
Sequoia: oooh!
Kim: ...who says we are wonderful, beautiful geniuses and I'm very pleased to have fan girls like you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cute! Thank you so much for leaving us reviews, everybody. You can leave those reviews on iTunes or on Facebook and we will shout you out sometime in the distant future.
Kim: Correct. Hey Sequoia, I’ve actually… now I'm thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about it, would adolescent Sequoia cut my poop jokes more or less?
Sequoia: That's a good question. I think I would cut them more.
Kim: Yeah. That’s… I…
Sequoia: I think I’ve become stupider over time.
Kim: Uh huh. I actually was thinking about it, because I think adolescent Kim would probably make less poop jokes.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: We… we've grown stupider.
Sequoia: [laughs] Good. Okay.
Kim: I guess. Anyway!
Sequoia: Anyway!
Kim: Let’s do a fanfiction.
Sequoia: You’re gonna read me eighty five fanfictions today, or something? [laughs]
Kim: Hell yeah! Let’s do this! [both laugh] These are all listener submissions!
Both: Pew, pew, pew, pew pew!
Sequoia: Here we go, man!
Kim: Ahhh! [laughs] This first story is called… oh, I guess it's time for some predictions now.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: Sequoia’s going to make three guesses.
Sequoia: I get to make…
Kim: Nine guesses!
Sequoia: ...NINE predictions in this episode?
Kim: I guess. I don’t know.
Sequoia: I don’t think that’s okay.
Kim: This… the second one's very short. We'll talk about it when we get there, I guess.
Sequoia: Okay, but I should make three predictions on the first one?
Kim: Yeah, go ahead.
Sequoia: Okay, fine.
Kim: This first one is called Nightmares. It is a humor/parody fic. It came out in 2001, which is…
Sequoia: Oh, fuck, yeah!
Kim: ...pre Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: Oh, 2001! Shit, man!
Kim: Listeners, don’t forget to send those predictions to us through whatever channel you deem appropriate.
Sequoia: [laughs] Sure. Okay. Nightmares. This fanfiction… um… the person… there’s a person in this fanfiction having nightmares and that person is Ron.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Can I say that the nightmares are about a… uh… a task in the Triwizard Tournament, or is that too vague?
Kim: No, you can say that.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. I'll say that. I'm going to say that they use magic to try and make the nightmares stop.
Kim: Okay, cool. Those are all good guesses. I'm going to… so this…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I want you to guess one more thing, this guess is not for points, but the author says, I ate too much… a candy.
Sequoia: Ooh! Okay.
Kim: What candy did the author eat too much of?
Sequoia: [sighs] I mean, it's got to be Pixy Stix, right?
Kim: It’s not Pixy Stix.
Sequoia: No?!
Kim: This author ate too much saltwater taffy.
Sequoia: [cackles] All right. I mean, sure. [both laugh]
Kim: And then wrote this. It’s called Nightmares.
Sequoia: I feel like you can't ingest saltwater taffy, like, as quickly as you can ingest…
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: ...Pixy Stix. Like, Pixy Stix, they have like a purpose. Like, that goes straight to your blood.
Kim: I know! Saltwater taffy, that would be so much work to eat a lot.
Sequoia: [laughs] My jaw hurts just thinking about it.
Kim: Yes. Okay. We've got some asterisks here at the top and in between the asterisks it says, small French restaurant near Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Okay, good.
Kim: That's where we are right now.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Mhm. Oui, oui.
Kim: You know, the small French restaurant that’s near Hogwarts. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, the famous small French restaurant in Hogsmeade.
Kim: Or… or are we even nearer to Hogwarts? Do you think this is in Hagrid’s cabin?
Sequoia: [laughs] I was gonna say deeply nestled within the Forbidden Forest.
Kim: [laughing] It’s Hagrid’s house.
Sequoia: Run entirely by centaurs.
Kim: [laughs] Centaurs are very… French? [Sequoia laughs] Nope. I’m giving up. That… that's not going anywhere. Here we go. We're in a small French restaurant, somewhere.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: Harry rested his chin on his hands, gazing intently at the figure across the table. Soft moonlight…
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: He’s on a date, good. Next.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He’s in a small French restaurant near Hogwarts.
Both: On a date.
Kim: With someone.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs quietly]
Kim: Soft moonlight outlined the locks of hair and beautiful, yet slightly large, ears. The wind rustled in the background as a violin player played a love song on his instrument. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The author is really setting the scene here. There’s a romantic ambience.
Kim: Yeah. I’m surprised that they didn't do an Italian restaurant and they’re not eating spaghetti, you know. That’s, like, kind of the level that we're at.
Sequoia: [Singing Lady and the Tramp’s Bella Notte] This is the night, what a beau… [both laugh] yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Did they say moonlight?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh nice. Okay. So it's the middle of the night. [laughs]
Kim: Wait, they appear to be outside as well. They’re… they’re lit by moonlight, there's wind rustling.
Sequoia: It's a… it… it's such a small French restaurant that it’s just a table in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. [both laugh]
Kim: I think so. Oh, no!
Sequoia: Excellent. Excellent. A centaur’s playing ‘This is the night’ on a violin.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: Great. I’m here. I’m feeling it.
Kim: Uh huh. Harry sighed, causing the candle between them to flicker. “My love, I've waited for this day for so long,” he said softly, reaching to join hands with the man across the table.
Sequoia: Ooh! Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Neville reached forward as well.
Sequoia: YES! [laughs] YEEES!
Kim: [singing] This is one of my favorite ships. [both laugh, then sigh]
Sequoia: I like that you’re reading this to me directly after Colin read your Harry/Neville.
Kim: My Harry/Neville, yeah. Yes. Correct.
Sequoia: It's very fitting.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Good. I love it.
Kim: Neville reached forward as well, in the process, knocking over the candle. The moment was…
Sequoia: Aw, he’s so clumsy!
Kim: Aw, Neville! What are you doing?
Sequoia: Oh, no, Neville!
Kim: Ghaa! [Sequoia laughs] The moment was ruined by the bread basket going up in flames.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nice. Get you… get you… nice toast on that bread.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Harry loves toast.
Kim: [laughing] He loves… he loves burnt toast. [Sequoia laughs] “Oh, no!” cried Neville, grabbing his glass of wine, and throwing it over the flames. They flared up and increased in size. Which I don't think is what happens when you throw wine on a fire. Neville grabbed a napkin and began fanning them, trying to put out the fire. A waitress ran over with a fire extinguisher and pulled its plug, releasing white powder everywhere within a five foot radius. The flame sputtered and died. Neville…
Sequoia: So, this is a Muggle restaurant?
Kim: It's an… it's a French restaurant. It's very small, it's outside, it's very close to Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And they use fire extinguishers.
Kim: And they use fire extinguishers, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Sure. [laughs]
Kim: It’s a magic fire… [high-pitched] maybe it’s a magical fire extinguisher. You don’t know. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That’s true! No, that's very true. I don't know. I don't know.
Kim: Neville looked close to tears. “What's wrong?” asked Harry, worried. [Sequoia laughs] “Oh, I wanted to make this night perfect, but I just ruined it,” he wailed.
Sequoia: They are, like, covered in fire extinguisher…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ...fluids, or whatever, and…
Kim: [whispering] They can use magic, though, Sequoia. Well, Neville can’t, but…
Sequoia: I’m convinced now they’re in a Muggle restaurant.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] And they can’t use magic.
Kim: Fine! Harry wrapped his arms around him, soothing him, and insisting it wasn't his fault; it could have happened to anyone. Neville, adoration in his eyes, latched on to Harry's arm. “Really, Harry?” he asked, squeezing the life and existence out of Harry's left arm.
Sequoia: [laughs] Rude.
Kim: I don’t know why, but fine. “Yes. Let’s go for a broom ride, okay?” Harry suggested, a pained look on his face as he bit his lip to ignore the pain in his arm.
Sequoia: How can you have pain in your arm if the existence has been… [both laugh]
Kim: Has been squeezed out?
Sequoia: Yeah. Can’t feel pain in an arm that doesn't exist, sir. [both laugh]
Kim: Fine. Maybe like slightly… no, I don’t know, man. They’re gonna go on a romantic broom ride.
Sequoia: oh good
Kim: “Okay!”
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: With Neville. [both laugh] It’s fine. Neville cheered. They walked over to Harry's beloved Firebolt, hovering conveniently in the broom parking lot. They have a broom parking lot, Sequoia!
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Definitely not a Muggle place, then.
Kim: Not a Muggle place.
Sequoia: ‘Kay, the broom parking lot.
Kim: The broom parking lot, amidst Nimbus 2000s and one or two Clean Sweep Sevens. These are the top of the line brooms in this parking lot. I think this is a very spendy little French place.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. I feel like…
Kim: But Harry's the nicest and the most expensive.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nice, Harry!
Kim: He know… Harry knows how to treat a Neville.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cool, so…
Kim: Put him on a broom.
Sequoia: ...they're just going out on a… they… they've abandoned their meal plans entirely.
Kim: They did.
Sequoia: Because their bread got burnt.
Kim: They did not pay, they just walked out. Although maybe they didn't get any food yet. They hadn't even made it to ordering.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They brought the bread out and then they immediately set the bread on fire and left.
Sequoia: [laughs] Maybe the restaurant asked them to leave.
Kim: Please leave! What are you doing?
Sequoia: Like, we only have one table at this restaurant. If you're going to light it on fire, we’d really…
Kim: Look at this line of people waiting. [Sequoia laughs] Harry mounted it, moving his fingers in a feeble attempt to regain feeling in his left arm. Which apparently exists again.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And felt Neville get on behind him. Kicking off, they drifted upwards above the clouds and cuddled as best a pair could while sitting on a broomstick. [Sequoia chuckles] Which is probably not very well.
Sequoia: Neville is gonna fall off this broomstick.
Kim: Probably. [chuckles] Broomsticks are made for one person. Like, I don't…
Sequoia: Yeah, don't buy it.
Kim: You need a… you need a tandem broomstick. Why don't we ever see any broomsticks built for two?
Sequoia: Yeah, come on!
Kim: Why haven’t we…
Sequoia: I… would they just have to be like really long?
Kim: Yes, it would be very lo… well, it doesn't have to be though. It could be, like, some sort of pronged thing and you could sit next to each other on your bi… on your broomstick built for two and make out. Why is that not a thing we've seen in a fic yet? Wait a second.
Sequoia: Come on, write the fanfic you want to see in this world.
Kim: I don't even know what the fic would be! [Sequoia laughs] Doesn't matter. Broomstick built for two.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: They cuddled on the broomstick, gazing at the moon. “Harry,” mumbled Neville, reaching for the boy's hand. The moment threw him off balance, and as the clumsy boy began to totter, the Firebolt threatened to throw them both off.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: Harry, more concerned for his love’s safety than his own, recklessly turned to stabilize Neville. He fell off the broom in the process and plummeted toward the ground, screaming.
Sequoia: Wait, Harry did?
Kim: Yeah, Harry fell.
Sequoia: Oh, bye, Harry. [laughs]
Kim: Harry tried to save Neville, and fell off the broom. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is a really good date.
Kim: Yeah. This is one of… this is actually better than Harry’s last date, probably. With Cho.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry's last date was probably on the lake with Ginny and then the giant squid…
Kim: Oh yeah. That was a bad one.
Sequoia: ...pulled him out of the boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Neville panicked, clinging to the broom, and steering it downwards after Harry. He pulled out his wand and yelled the first spell that came to mind. He had intended to summon a bunch of pillows to cushion Harry's fall, but mispronounced something along the way…
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: ...and Harry soon found himself plummeting madly towards a Hungarian Horntail.
Sequoia: Wait! What? No! [both laugh] That's very different!
Kim: Accio dragon! [both laugh] Seriously, Neville.
Sequoia: I really think it shouldn't be that easy to just, like, summon a dragon.
Kim: Correct, it should not.
Sequoia: Cool. [laughs]
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: Neville’s just so bad at magic that he's actually
Kim: So bad at…
Sequoia: ...really good at magic.
Kim: Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Did you just… maybe he just brought that dragon into existence. You shouldn't be able to do that! One week later, Hogwarts infirmary. That’s in some asterisks.
Sequoia: Oh wow, passage of time, okay.
Kim: A passage of time, yes. “Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry!” Neville wailed, nearly deafening the almost unconscious boy on the bed. Harry’s been in a coma for a week or something apparently.
Sequoia: A week?
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: “It's okay Neville, I still love you,” Harry said, muffled through the bandages coating every inch of his body.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! [laughs] Madam Pomfrey can fix anything.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She can grow back his bones.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And hypothetically his skin.
Kim: Entire body.
Sequoia: His limbs.
Kim: He got eaten by the dragon and they’re… and they are making him again.
Sequoia: They’re reassembling him.
Kim: Yeah. Neville had like a tuft of hair in his hand that he caught as Harry fell, and they’re regrowing Harry from that.
Sequoia: They’re just regrowing him?
Kim: Yes. Why not.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Is Harry like Wolverine? Doesn't matter. [Sequoia laughs loudly] “Here, I'll show you all the cards people have been sending.” He reached over Harry towards a small stack of get well cards. He stepped on something slippery and wavered for a moment…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: ...then fell…
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: ...on the bandaged and bruised Harry.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! [Kim laughs] Neville, just leave! [both laugh]
Kim: He’s trying so hard! They love each other!
Sequoia: [laughing] I know! But he’s… he’s only causing more pain!
Kim: “AAAAHHH!” screamed Harry, as his bruised, burnt, and battered body was hit suddenly by Neville’s weight
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: Neville’s pleas of, “I’m sorry! Oh, no!” were drowned out by the enormous amount of pain coursing through Harry's body.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: [in bro voice] “Harry! Wake up!” someone yelled. [Sequoia laughs] Harry opened his eyes groggily. His scar was pulsating madly, and he was in enormous amounts of pain. He rolled over to face Ron.
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: “You were screaming in your sleep. What's wrong?” he asked softly. Oh, whatever. [Sequoia laughs] “Nothing,” Harry yawned, looking at his friend. “Had a nightmare.”
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: That’s not quite the end. Somewhere off in the distance, Voldemort cackled maniacally. [Sequoia laughs] [high pitched, nasal voice] “Maybe I’ll stop killing people for a while, scaring them senseless via nightmares is much funnier.”
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Wow. Voldemort came up with a… with a hell of a nightmare.
Kim: With a plan to bother Harry. [both laugh] [in Voldemort voice] So I’ve got a terribly cunning plan! I’ll send the Potter brat a nightmare and he’ll get really bad sleep! [both laugh]
Sequoia: And not only that, he was like, what would be… hm, what do I put in this nightmare? Great, he’s on a date with Neville.
Kim: Ha! Got him! [both laugh] It’s the worst thing anyone could ever possibly imagine.
Sequoia: I really feel like he had to have a lot of insider knowledge too, you know?
Kim: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, he, like… what is Voldemort walking around being like, you know who's real clumsy? Neville Longbottom. That kid.
Kim: The thing… the thing that I really like about this fic is how sweet Harry is and like how in love with Neville he is the whole time. [Sequoia laughs] Like, the date’s really sweet!
Sequoia: It's only a nightmare because he, like, almost died.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Or whatever. Like, the… the table catching on fire was not even that bad.
Kim: Yeah. Anyway. All of your predictions were wrong.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, you know, that was not… I wasn't gonna get that, so… [both laugh] So okay.
Kim: You were close? No, I… actually your last prediction was kind of the opposite of what happened. It was magic that caused the nightmare.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let's do this second one.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [laughs] All right, I'm fucking ready, dude.
Kim: This one's two hundred and thirty words long.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It doesn't have an author's note so that's all story, baby.
Sequoia: I mean, I feel like I should get to do two predictions on this one.
Kim: Okay. We should probably figure out a word limit then, at some point, but fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Like, one hundred words, you're allowed to make one prediction. Two hundred words, two predictions. More than that, you get three. Why not? I’ve said it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, great.
Kim: The story is called Dippet the Dipshit.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Oh, no. It’s not called… it’s called Dippet the Dipsht. There's no i.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah.
Kim: I wonder if you can’t… do you think you can't swear in the title? Probably. Huh.
Sequoia: I don't know. I feel… yeah, I mean, where are we you… where was this? Was this ff.net?
Kim: This is… this is ff.
Sequoia: Then maybe.
Kim: Dippet the Dipsht.
Sequoia: I feel like you can in AO3.
Kim: Probably. AO3 has no rules. There’s no laws there. [both laugh] This story is tagged romance/mystery. [laughs]
Sequoia: What the fuck, man?
Kim: This sucker came out less than ten days before book seven.
Sequoia: [laughing] Jesus fucking Christ! This time… this time… this era is my fucking jam, my dude.
Kim: The, like, days before book seven came out?
Sequoia: Yeah! You get… that’s some good shit, man. Okay.
Kim: This person has chosen to write… something. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, man. Okay, this is a romance between two portraits.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And this story involves time travel. There we go. I’m done. [laughs]
Kim: [fighting back laughter] ‘Kay. Cool. Nice work. Nice work, friend.
Sequoia: [laughs] There we go, I’m done!
Kim: This is also a listener submission. Thank you to whomever sent this to me. Dippet the Dipsht. Professor Dippet was sitting in his office, and contemplating the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: He decided his life purpose would be to be incredibly sexy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, no! [both laugh]
Kim: That’s… that checks out, why not?
Sequoia: I mean… you gotta have goals.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: That's a goal.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Is he gonna reach the goal? I'm… I'm intrigued.
Kim: Okay. Suddenly, and most unexpectedly, a picture on the wall started to talk to him. Normally this would have been incredibly normal, except when it said, “Hey sexy beast. Want to go for a ride in my lurve mobile?”
Sequoia: [laughs] Is this a romance between a person and a portrait?
Kim: [quickly] I don’t know man! Where are we going? What’s happening?
Sequoia: Because I would be so fucking mad! [both laugh] All right. What… what… what picture is hey sexying this Mr. Dippet? Professor.
Kim: Professor Dippet turned around to see the portrait of Helga Hufflepuff.
Sequoia: Oh, damn! [laughs]
Kim: In a bikini and smoking a cigar. Why not? [Sequoia laughs loudly] She stood up from her bed and beckoned him to come through her portrait. Why not?
Sequoia: That’s… that’s… wait. Wait.
Kim: That’s not a thing that could happen, but fine.
Sequoia: Great. Can portraits change their clothes?
Kim: [makes a strained noise] They can now.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, continue.
Kim: I feel like if the portrait has a wand, why couldn't they do magic in their portrait?
Sequoia: That opens up a lot.
Kim: Well. [Sequoia laughs] How does anything work, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: I literally don’t know.
Sequoia: Great, great, great. Here we are. He's going into a portrait. Fine.
Kim: Well, he's actually not because he says, “I'm sorry Helga, but I can't. I am already seeing someone,” he said. “Who?” she asked. “Salazar Slytherin.”
Sequoia: I was gonna say that! [Kim laughs] I was like, gotta be Godric or Salazar!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: A hundred percent!
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. “He's a total babe. He makes you look like my grandmother's behind.”
Sequoia: Wow! That's fucking rude, man.
Kim: Mean!
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: I bet Hufflepuff looks amazing in her bikini and cigar. Why not? [Sequoia laughs] “I'm sorry, but I can't stay to chat, I must go see Salzy.”
Sequoia: Durgh!
Kim: “We’re going on a hot date.” Salzy is grim.
Sequoia: Salzy. Salzy?!
Kim: That’s grim. That’s fucking grim. Also, how are you going on a date? I assume Slytherin is also a portrait. How is any of this working? What is happening?
Sequoia: Well, I assume his… Salzy can just beckon Dippet into his portrait.
Kim: [quietly] I don’t think that’s how portraits work. Fine, whatever. [Sequoia laughs] “But I hear Godric Gryffindor is looking for love, why not ask him?” “Oh, no. I'm a cradle snatcher. I only like my men young.”
Sequoia: But that’s… what? Wait, what? [laughs]
Kim: Dippet’s not young, but fine. Dippet’s very old, but fine.
Sequoia: This does not check out!
Kim: Maybe… maybe she means like, born in the last, like, thousand years or so.
Sequoia: Oh…
Kim: She doesn’t like…
Sequoia: She’s… she's operating off the idea that she's, like, hundreds of years old.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. Yep.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: When were the founders around? Like… ah, fuck, who knows? Doesn’t fucking matter.
Sequoia: I have no clue. I have no fucking clue. [Kim laughs, then sighs] She's very old because she's a portrait.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: So she's looking for somebody in like their…
Kim: Hundreds.
Sequoia: …mid 50s. [laughs]
Kim: “I only like my men young. Maybe I'll try that sexy new student, Tom Riddle,” she replied.
Sequoia: Whoa! Whoa! Helga!
Kim: Helga!
Sequoia: Not cool, man!
Kim: What the fuck?!
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: She’s not a good judge of age any more. [both laugh] Fifteen, fifty, same difference. “I’ll try that sexy new student, Tom Riddle,” she replied, just before she disappeared from her portrait. Dippet was slightly taken aback by her statement. I mean…
Sequoia: Just slightly.
Kim: Yeah. I mean…
Sequoia: Just slightly. All of us are, sir.
Kim: Yup. He remembered poor Headmaster Wilfred Pennyfarthing who let a student date a portrait and was fired. He knew he would have to intervene some time soon. The end.
Sequoia: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Kim: Yes
Sequoia: Wait!
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What? What’s up? [Sequoia laughs] You were so close, my friend.
Sequoia: I… I was so fucking close, man! [screams] [Kim laughs] [screams again] I’m very mad.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: And also very confused.
Kim: Why is that?
Sequoia: Well…
Kim: [laughs quietly] This story came out, like, a week before Deathly Hallows.
Sequoia: [laughs] Somebody was just having, like, a lot of thoughts. [both laugh] Someone was just like, oh man, Harry Potter's coming out in a week, it's gonna be over, what could happen? What's magic? How does magic work? How do portraits work? Can portraits fuck? I don't know!
Kim: Let's find out! [makes noise to indicate to frantic typing] [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: So good! I like…
Sequoia: Just overwhelmed by thoughts.
Kim: I like how Dippet is ready to get sexy and then Hufflepuff is ready to get sexy, just everyone in this fic is really sexy, and I’m about that.
Sequoia: I feel like Tom Riddle would, like, not be about it, though.
Kim: Oh no, not even a little bit.
Sequoia: No. Not Helga Hufflepuff.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no.
Kim: He’s not about that.
Sequoia: Like there's not a whole lot to worry about on that. On that front.
Kim: Yeah, that's true.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: He might pretend like he's into it in order to find her cup. You never know.
Sequoia: That's true. That’s true.
Kim: Depends on if she was on his artifact quest yet or not.
Sequoia: That's true, it is all about the timeline. [laughs]
Kim: Maybe… you know what? What if this is… what if this is, like, a Horcrux speculation fic, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Wow! It's not. [both laugh]
Kim: What if?
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Fine! Whatever.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: All right. I got one more for you.
Sequoia: Holy shit, dude!
Kim: I got one more for you. Are you ready?
Sequoia: No! I’ve never been ready. I don't know what's happening.
Kim: This last one… is a poem!
Sequoia: Oh my god! The title of this episode is gonna be so fucking long! [laughs]
Kim: Wooo! This is a poem.
Sequoia: Okay. This is a poem. We've never done a poem before.
Kim: We’ve never done a poem before!
Sequoia: And I've always wanted to do one [Kim hums] and I'm very excited.
Kim: It's not only a poem, it's a poem parody of a famous poem.
Sequoia: Oh, fuck yeah, it is!
Kim: And I think I want you to guess what poem it’s a parody of. This… this story is called Cedric and the Golden Egg. It came out right after Half Blood Prince. [laughs]
Sequoia: What?
Kim: And… let's see, I'm going to read a couple of these tags. Humor and poetry. Those are all that you're going to get.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: Out of this list.
Sequoia: You want me to guess what poem?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Sequoia: It’s definitely a poem that I…
Kim: It’s four hundred and twenty four words long.
Sequoia: [sighs] Fuck me, man!
Kim: They didn't… they didn't get the whole poem in. I think the actual poem’s longer than this. Maybe… maybe it isn't, though. Actually, how long is that poem?
Sequoia: It's like legit a poem and not a nursery rhyme, right?
Kim: It is a poem.
Sequoia: I feel like this is the point where everyone finds out that I don't know anything about poetry. [laughs]
Kim: All right. If you don’t wanna have to…
Sequoia: Can I just… can I just guess the poet?
Kim: Sure. That works, too.
Sequoia: This is… a Walt Whitman poem.
Kim: [holds in laughter] Nice! Nice guess!
Sequoia: [laughs] I really, you know. Okay, so here's the thing though, is what I really… what I really want now, because I feel like that's not what this is, but what I… what I want inside my heart is a poem parody that's one of the poems from The Practical Book of Cats by TS Eliot.
Kim: Aww buddy! [both laugh] That would be so nothing! I want it real… I want a Crookshanks…
Sequoia: Yep!
Kim: ...Cats poem real bad!
Sequoia: Yep! Here we are. I’m… I just put that in your brain. There you go.
Kim: Dang!
Sequoia: But what I'm really gonna guess is Walt Whitman.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m gonna guess that… what's it called? Cedric and the Golden Egg.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I'm gonna guess that there's a verse about Harry.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I'm… and I'm going to guess…
Kim: This is the one with sexual content in it, I… I remind you.
Sequoia: Oh! So, can I guess a pairing?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Or is that too obvious, too?
Kim: [laughing] No, go ahead, guess a pairing.
Sequoia: Okay. I’m gonna guess a pairing. I’m gonna guess that this is Cedric/Moaning Myrtle.
Kim: Okay. Nice. Nice try.
Sequoia: Okay. All right. Cool. Just, fuckin’ [laughs] kill me now. Here we go. Whatever.
Kim: This story is called Cedric and the Golden Egg. It was written for a poetry challenge, and in their author's note they include their abject apologies to Edgar Allan Poe.
Sequoia: Ah! Fuck! Damnit! [both laugh] Shit.
Kim: So here we go.
Sequoia: [laughing] How did I not guess Edgar Allan Poe?! Jesus Christ.
Kim: I mean, there's a lot of poets that exist.
Sequoia: Right but this is… [sighs] that should have been obvious. All right, continue. Whatever.
Kim: Here we go! Once upon a Scottish evening, with all the owls of Hogwarts keening/Cedric slowly opened up the Prefects' bathroom door./In his hands the boy was toting the dragon's egg with golden coating/Thinking of Krum's gloating, gloating at his win the task before./Cedric wouldn't let himself be beaten as he'd been before —/This, the brave young Badger swore…. The thing about this fic, is that the author has done such a good job.
Sequoia: This is very good! [laughs]
Kim: They’ve done SUCH a good job!
Sequoia: This is… I’m… I dig it.
Kim: And yet they chose some very interesting subject matter. Here we go. [Sequoia laughs] Cedric shed his clothes and slid into the tub as he'd been bid/By his peculiar new professor, name of Moody, Alastor/The water was sweetly warming, and the magic bubbles forming // Misty images that crept and swept across the bathroom floor/Relaxed the boy as little had been able in the months before/Soothed every muscle that was sore. [Sequoia chuckles] Yeah?
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: I think… I think Cedric probably has been really stressed.
Sequoia: I mean, how could he not be?
Kim: I mean the Triwizard Tournament’s real stressful, I bet.
Sequoia: Yeah, there's… you could sort of die at any moment, which is a fun time.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: And also, like, you know, he's… he's got a... the whole reputation of Hufflepuff house on his shoulders as well.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He's got to… he's got to come through for Hogwarts. But I mean Harry's also there to come through for Hogwarts.
Kim: But Harry fucking sucks.
Sequoia: But really, he's got to come out on top as a Hufflepuff.
Kim: Uh huh. Yeah.
Sequoia: And prove Hufflepuff’s coolness and shit, you know?
Kim: Sure. Why not. Then…
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s very stressed.
Kim: Fine. Then, his task recalling, he cracked the egg and set it squalling/Horrid in its caterwauling, like the banshees of Irish lore. So good.
Sequoia: Amazing!
Kim: Cedric listened closely, but concluded it was mostly/Just the same as every other time he'd opened it before./But for the marble tile echoes, just exactly as before —/Dreadful screams, and nothing more.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Then the young man noticed something strange about the lotus/Pattern set into the bottom of the egg he'd never seen before/He realized, breath abating, the noisy egg was vibrating/And now…
Sequoia: OH, GOD! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! [laughs] ]screams]
Kim: Wazzup?
Sequoia: Argh!
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: Ughhh! Ughhh! Auughhh!
Kim: A-wazzup? How you doing?
Sequoia: I AM NOT WELL, thank you. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] And now was inundating his mind with thoughts he'd never had before.
Sequoia: [whispering] Jesus.
Kim: Blushing as he pondered what such a thing could be used for — He drew his wand and locked the door.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ almighty!
Kim: Why was the door not locked before?
Sequoia: It’s a communallll bathinggg area.
Kim: It most certainly is not. [Sequoia laughs] It most certainly is not. In one hand his hard prick grasping, and in the other the gold egg clasping.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! [whines]
Kim: [laughs] Into the water he began the precious clue to lower. // He touched it to his cock…
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: ...and let out a yelp of shock/ [both laugh at length] As the sudden pleasure rocked him like nothing ever had before.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: And as it shot like lightning down his spine and to his very core/Cedric knew he wanted more!
Sequoia: Oh, my god! [both continue to laugh] Oh, no!
Kim: The boy reached further down to pass the quivering egg along his arse/And wanked himself with gusto…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: ...as he worked his bollocks o'er./ [Kim struggles to keep from laughing] As he got even hotter, his thoughts turned to Harry Potter./ [Sequoia bursts with laughter] While he writhed, and water splashed onto the bathroom floor.
Sequoia: Oh god! Jesus!
Kim: Thinking of that fine young lad, the famous Gryffindor/Into climax he did soar.
Sequoia: [cries with laughter] I have nothing to say!
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: I have nothing to say! I have no commentary here! Just sobbing!
Kim: Yeah. [breaks down laughing]
Sequoia: My god! Yeah! [both keep laughing]
Kim: I mean, he was given very unhelpful advice about what to do with the egg clue.
Sequoia: It was very vague.
Kim: He’s doing his best. It was very vague.
Sequoia: It was very vague.
Kim: And this also kind of explains why he’s so vague with Harry, as well.
Sequoia: Does it? [laughs]
Kim: He’s not gonna go up to Harry and be like, you should masturbate with the egg. Maybe he is, I don’t know. He didn’t, but [Sequoia continues to laugh] he’s like, you and the egg, you know?
Sequoia: You know! Go to the…
Kim: Go to the water place. Bye! I gotta go. I have a boner!
Sequoia: [cries with laugther] Oh, yeah, that’s why he was so vague. ‘Cause he had to really… he had to spit that info out and get away really quick. Too many memories.
Kim: Yep. [both laugh] All right, we got one last… one last verse.
Sequoia: Okay, here we go.
Kim: Only once he'd finished coming [laughs] did Cedric hear the tuneful humming/Emanating from the egg, which had only screamed before./But the sound was rather muffled, so the sated, handsome Huffle/puff submerged his head, the clue to listen for./And that's how noble Cedric learnt what the next task held in store —/That — and a little something more!
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: So.
Sequoia: It was very enlightening. [laughs]
Kim: So. They did a great job. I'm so proud of this author. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Honestly, this is not how I thought we would do our first foray into poetry.
Kim: What do you mean? I feel like this is pretty on brand. Have… do you know… I don’t know what this means. I do know what this means. Whenever I… almost every time that we've had a sexually explicit episode, it's been masturbation.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: And I think it's because masturbation’s funny. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Sex is only funny sometimes. Masturbation’s always funny.
Sequoia: I mean… [both laugh] it's always… it's always been about the object. You know?
Kim: It is, yeah.
Sequoia: It's always been about… it’s the broom. It's the snake. It's the egg.
Kim: This one was a listener submission. They actually gave me permission to thank them. It was sent to me…
Sequoia: Wow! This is the one that gave you permission? [laughs loudly]
Kim: This was sent to me by Georgia. So thank you, Georgia.
Sequoia: Georgia!
Kim: You found something incredible.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: And entirely on brand.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: This is… you sent me Cedric/The Golden Egg. So great job.
Sequoia: Here's the fucking thing, is I should have known, man. [sighs]
Kim: [laughs] Yeah! Yeah, you should’ve.
Sequoia: That is the pattern. I really should have known what our brand was.
Kim: You should’ve known. Although, Cedric/Moaning Myrtle would’ve been real funny, too.
Sequoia: Right. [sighs]
Kim: You weren’t wrong. You weren't entirely wrong.
Sequoia: I know. I went for ghost sex instead of masturbation, and I really should’ve known. I really should know better.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, though? I think you got a point.
Sequoia: Harry was there.
Kim: Harry was… there was a verse about Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah. There was. I think I do. You know what? I DO get a point! [laughs]
Kim: You did it! You did it.
Sequoia: I did it, folks!
Kim: I know you were probably blacked out at that part but… yeah, Harry was there.
Sequoia: [laughs] I might have been laughing and/or crying so hard…
Kim: No, I think… I think you weren't laughing because that was right after the part where he put it on his butthole, so… [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. That's true.
Kim: I think you were… I think you were crying. Just crying at that point.
Sequoia: I…
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: ...would just… I mean, I would just like to point out that it did take me eight total tries to get one point in this fucking episode [both laugh] That’s all I have to say about that. But I really…
Kim: Congratulations.
Sequoia: I really am glad I did. I'm glad I did get at least one point.
Kim: You got close earlier.
Sequoia: I was so close! [laughs]
Kim: Very close. [laughs] Oh, man.
Sequoia: [whispering] Damnit.
Kim: Yeah, I loved everything about that story. Thank you for sending it to me. I guess poem. I love everything about that poem.
Sequoia: It's very good poem. Wow, we've done it.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: We did it. We did poetry.
Kim: We did poetry. We did three in one.
Sequoia: What’s next? Yeah. [laughs] Three in one, with a fucking poem. Wow. Well…
Kim: And this episode’s probably going to be shorter than the last one.
Sequoia: Than Heirs part 2?
Kim: Which was an hour and a half long, somehow.
Sequoia: We went fucking HAM in that one. Whoo! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: That was a lot. There was a lot to unpack!
Kim: Fucking relay race. [both laugh] And here there may be a lot to unpack, but Sequoia refuses to play with me.
Sequoia: [laughs] Was there a lot to unpack? I think it was real straightforward.
Kim: I mean, yeah. I guess it was pretty straightforward. Fine!
Sequoia: Real straightforward. [both laugh] Listen, there’s a lot more to unpack about the one hundred meter dash to kill Voldemort.
Kim: Boy meets egg. Boy notices egg is vibrating. Boy masturbates. The end.
Sequoia: There we go. That’s it. Straightforward. All right, let’s… let’s do a segment, shall we?
Kim: Yeah, why not?
Sequoia: This is….
Both: ...A QUICK FICSSSSSS!
Sequoia: Noice. All right, so I have a quick fic for you today.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: It’s called Adopted? I Never Knew!
Kim: Oh no. Who’s adopted today?
Sequoia: [laughs] I had to pull this one… this one wasn't… because it was like just the very, very, very beginning of a story, it's only like three hundred words long.
Kim: Sure. [laughs]
Sequoia: So there wasn’t a lot to pull from it. What I did… what I really wanted to highlight today is… so, obviously Hermione is Voldemort’s daughter in this one.
Kim: Ohhhh dear.
Sequoia: But! Her birth name is…
Kim: No! No!
Sequoia: ...Ebony Cassandra Serenity Celine Akina Yuriko Riddle.
Kim: Oh! [Sequoia laughs] How many names was that?
Sequoia: That’s gonna be seven, there, my dude. That’s gonna be seven.
Kim: Ooh! The magic number!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Voldemort fucking would. You know it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yep, yep, yep! There you go. That’s it. That’s all there is to that one. But I needed to… I needed everyone to know.
Kim: Can you run those names by me one more time?
Sequoia: Yes, of course I can. Hermione’s birth name was Ebony Cassandra Serenity Celine Akina Yuriko Riddle.
Kim: That hits, like, every fucking trope.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: That’s really good.
Sequoia: Right? I was… I read it and I was so angry. I was like, I cannot believe this story isn’t more, because I wanted… I gotta…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Nice work.
Sequoia: That’s my quick fic. That’s it.
Kim: Thank you. Why not?
Sequoia: And now, let’s enter the…
Kim: Let’s go to the…
Both: ...THE REC ZONE! [quietly] Pew, pew, pew, pew-pew-pew-pew, pew, pew.
Kim: Today I'm recommending a story called Things That go Bump in the Night. This… in this story, Harry is staying over at the Weasleys’ during the summer break, and he's having some trouble sleeping because there's a lot of room coming out of Ron's room.
Sequoia: Oh. There's a lot of what coming out?
Kim: And Hermione’s there too.
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: A lot of noise. And so he goes to be like, what the fuck are you guys doing? And it’s just really funny, and I like it a lot.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: So that rec will be in the description of this episode as well as on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Also on our website is our story submission form. If you want to submit me more small weird stuff [Sequoia laughs] so I can do another threefer, do that!
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure, sure! [both laugh]
Kim: We got some great submissions in recently. Thank you so much for everyone that's sending stuff in. It's rolling in at an incredible pace. I think you're all reading a lot of fanfiction if I had to guess.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Right now, I think there’s… everybody's reading a ton, because we are getting crazy tons of submissions in every day.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find links to our merch. We've got merch on our website, we've also got a link to our TeePublic, where there is a wide variety of merch.
Kim: We should mention that shipping our merch from us is temporarily on hold.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes, if you order from us, from our website, that is on hold until we can go back to...
Kim: Outside.
Sequoia: ...the public places. [laughs]
Kim: Yes, correct.
Sequoia: So, if you order from TeePublic, though, they are still shipping, and there's a lot, a lot of stuff over there.
Kim: Yes. If you like this podcast there are a number of ways that you can support this podcast. Way number one: review this podcast.
Sequoia: [laughs] Excellent. Way number two: tell everyone. Trick everyone 2020. Trick your friends, trick your… quarantined relatives.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Trick your neighbors.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: By leaving them a nice note.
Kim: Uh huh. [Sequoia laughs] A threatening note nailed to their front door. Don't do that. Please don’t do that. It’s a bad idea.
Sequoia: Drive down the street just sort of yelling …
Kim: Playing the podcast very loudly.
Sequoia: [laughs] Loudly in the car, yeah.
Kim: Nope. Also don't do that. Don't do any of those things, but do tell people about the podcast.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: That’s how podcasts grow, and we're very thankful to whenever, yes. WAY NUMBER THREE! [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can become one of our patrons on Patreon. Our discounted tiers are going to be discounted through the end of June. You can become part of our Discord and see what kind of crazy shit those guys are up to.
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: Or we've got bonus episodes, bonus livestreams and other fun stuff.
Kim: Oh yeah. May is a livestream, isn't it?
Sequoia: It is!
Kim: So, join our Patreon. Get. Access. To. That.
Sequoia: [laughs] Very helpful, very good. Speaking of Patreon…
Kim: You know what else you get access to?
Sequoia: Oh jeez! [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t know why this is devolving so quickly, but let’s…
Both: Whoo!
Kim: Speaking of Patreon!
Sequoia: At certain tiers after six months of contributing you get a shout out in the form of a story summary or a fun voice from Kim. And so we are going to do a couple of those shout outs here today. Why don't you get us started?
Kim: [in high, wavering Voldemort voice] Welcome to all of our new Death Eater recruits! Has everyone gotten their buttons? Wormtail! Lionel hasn't gotten a button. Now, today we're going to be learning one of the most important skills for any evil wizard: how to levitate while radiating dark power. [Sequoia laughs] So let's all start by concentrating on what color your evil is, and then we'll all take a break for some yummy snacks. [Sequoia laughs louder].
Sequoia: When Dumbledore called Luna to a special, extra secret, Order of the Phoenix meeting, not even her over imaginative brain could have guessed what she would be asked to do. The meeting was small, only a handful of other Order members invited, and on the table in front of Dumbledore sat a magical device Luna had never seen before. Once she fully understood what she was to do, she took hold of the object and was whisked through time, landing gracefully on the front lawn of Hogwarts in the year 1976. Well, it would have been graceful if she hadn’t landed right on top of someone. After helping her new friend Lissy to the hospital wing and explaining her mission, they're off to find James Potter & co. and begin Luna’s undercover plan.
Kim: [laughs] Nice work. Thank you so much for supporting us. Your support means a lot to us, all of you, each and every one of you. So, thank you.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, It's their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Both: BYEEEE!