Episode 74: Heirs (Part 2)
We hope you’ve been looking forward to the next installment of Heirs! What will they do next? Who even knows...
Recommendation: Teatime Meetings (Trigger warning - Abuse)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/387391
Recommendation: The Trouble with Kids These Days
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3077610/1/MOO-28-The-Trouble-with-Kids-These-Days
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Ami
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Hey Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Pick your quarantine house. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay?
Kim: Cara, Hermione Riddle; Veela Draco and Harry; or Trevor and Crookshanks.
Sequoia: Oh, wow, that’s not hard at all. It’s house one. [both laugh] Gotta be Cara and Hermione Riddle, a hundred percent.
Kim: I don’t know… I’d be very afraid that Hermione Riddle will kill me.
Sequoia: I mean, that’s true, but you could borrow her clothes!
Kim: Yeah, but, if I get stuck with Crookshanks then we could make out. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Part two of two.
Kim: [snorts] Yes! Oh man, we’re recording this intro a while after we did the middle bit of this. I don’t remember what happens, but I remember being exhausted at the end. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Listen, everything’s bonkers. What is time? What’s today? Who am I? [both laugh] And various other things.
Kim: I was… it’s good that we delayed recording this beginning bit because we have some [singing] corrections!
Sequoia: [singing] Corrections! Gotta bring back that segment.
Kim: [singing] We fucked up!
Sequoia: We fucked up.
Kim: [singing] You pointed it out!
Sequoia: [laughs] Many people pointed it out, actually.
Kim: Yeah. This first one… mhm. So the review that I read in full last time that was a complete fanfiction is… I was confused about y/n in it, which apparently stands for your name. It’s something that’s very common in self insert fics, I’ve been told.
Sequoia: Yeah, I have…
Kim: I don’t read a lot of self insert fics. They wouldn’t work well for the pod.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And they weren’t common at this time period. I don’t know that I’ve ever encountered them. Have you?
Sequoia: I have never seen this before.
Kim: I think this is something that’s after this time period that we’re in and that we were active in.
Sequoia: Maybe?
Kim: Because apparently this is common with One Direction fanfictions, where the author is a self insert and then they get sold to the band, which is what happened… this was told to me by our Discord. [both laugh] And I was like, no, that’s too weird to be a thing, and then they were like, no, it is. [Sequoia laughs] Okay!
Sequoia: Well, you know, we learned something. We all learned something.
Kim: We certainly did.
Sequoia: Together, here, today. Great! Our other correction is that… well, it was just… it’s not so much a correction… we missed it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Something we missed in our first… [sighs]
Kim: I mean, there was so much going on at the beginning of that fanfic she read that, like, I don’t know how I could have caught everything that was wrong with that situation.
Sequoia: Honestly, too…
Kim: But…
Sequoia: I looked back, because I had to double check. Hermione gets her brand or whatever… she’s marked…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: …and it’s a raven…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …not an eagle.
Kim: Yes, and that is some Ravenclaw erasure… like [Sequoia laughs] correct Ravenclaw erasure that we were doing, but neither of us is a Ravenclaw, so, like, what do you expect? [laughs]
Sequoia: So I mean, do I even care? Yeah, sure, fine, I do, but…
Kim: Whoops. Lol!
Sequoia: Honestly, I had to look back at the text…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …just to double check that this was wrong…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and I went too far, because I was like, this happened, like, way into the story?
Kim: No, it happened immediately.
Sequoia: But it is in the first, like, two hundred words. [laughs]
Kim: Yes! Hermione has a brand. [Sequoia chuckles] There’s a star on it. I skipped over the whoops, it’s not an eagle part. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And that has been our segment. [singing] Corrections!
Kim: Poor Ravenclaws.
Sequoia: [laughs] We do have a little bit of podcast business; just a couple of things to chat about real quick.
Kim: Sure, why not?
Sequoia: We did a weird writing competition on our Discord…
Kim: Certainly did.
Sequoia: …where we made people write summaries. Just the summaries of fanfictions. They had to have a crack pairing, and we had…
Kim: And an author’s note.
Sequoia: And an author’s note, yeah. We had fifteen winners, and all of those summaries are posted on our blog on our website, fanaticalfics.com, and they will also be…
Kim: Go look at them, they’re very funny.
Sequoia: They’re super good, and fucking weird! [laughs]
Kim: Nice job to everyone that participated in that.
Sequoia: Yeah. That was buck wild and I liked it.
Kim: We’ve got another one running right now, if you wanted to go look at that. Right? It is still running?
Sequoia: Yep! Yeah, it’s still running. We JUST started it. [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know what’s happening. [laughs]
Sequoia: What is time? Who are we? What’s happening?
Kim: The other thing we wanted to plug were our story time livestreams.
Sequoia: Livestreams!
Kim: They’re excellent, and if you’re not coming, you’re missing out, and I feel bad for you. [Sequoia laughs] I have had to switch over to Twitch, because YouTube does not like my face. [laughs]
Sequoia: Twitch… Twitch timed out on me!
Kim: Twitch timed out on you?
Sequoia: It just, like, stopped working [Kim splutters] and then I had to restart the stream, and then I was like, what if Twitch hates me…
Kim: Lol.
Sequoia: …and YouTube hates Kim, and we’re just gonna have to… [chuckles]
Kim: Life is just difficult and complicated. But I think Sequoia’s gonna try to upload all of our previous ones to YouTube, so you can find those there, or go over to our Twitch to see the ones that we’ve done on there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sequoia did some squid fic…
Sequoia: I did!
Kim: …just yesterday? At this time of recording?
Sequoia: I did some squid content yesterday, yeah. Somebody wrote us the sequel to a Hogwarts/squid fic.
Kim: First Encounter? Wow!
Sequoia: It was very good. And then Alex did some art within, like, ten minutes. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, I saw that. That was good!
Sequoia: So…
Kim: And then I also wanted to plug… I did some extremely cursed content this last week where I read a listener submission of Sequoia and I as self inserts, and it was very cursed. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s very good.
Kim: So go check any of those out. They’re all… they’ve all been so fun, and we’ve gotten such great stories The cursed content, and, like, the really sweet, nice content as well.
Sequoia: The wholesome stuff, yeah.
Kim: They’re all really good. So go check those out, and we’re continuing to do those and announce them on our Twitter.
Sequoia: On our Twitter, on our Facebook, sometimes on our Instagram story if I remember to do that. [both chuckle] We are continuously taking submissions for story time, so if you wanna write something, or you have written something five thousand words or less, something silly, something wholesome, just email it to us at… to fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: I mean, it doesn’t have to be wholesome wholesome. Like, I’m not kidding about how cursed that story was.
Sequoia: Right! I said silly OR wholesome. [laughs]
Kim: We’re just not looking for drama or angst.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s all we don’t want.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nothing sad. No bummers! [both chuckle]
Sequoia: All right, excellent!
Kim: Cool, let’s do a little bit more before we can get to this story.
Sequoia: Yeah, let’s keep going. We’re gonna do some reviews!
Kim: Sure, why not? Shout out to KayBee’s Cat, who says the podcast is full of, oh god, did I write that? cringe, and that we haven’t found their fanfic yet, which, I mean, you could fix that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Our story submission form is on our website. Shout out to EresMiVida14, who doesn’t have any prediction points and has also read all of our recommendations, and honestly, that’s our ideal listener right there. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice. Shout out to epethtales, who says their friend trapped them in a car and forced them to listen to an episode, and that they’ve binge listened to the rest, so hats off to that trickster! You’ve done a great job.
Sequoia: [laughs] Classic. Shoutout to I’manerd2024, who is rolling on the floor laughing just like Colin Creevey, Harry, Ron and Hermione in What’s in a Name? and I’m just saying, you need to be careful about touching cursed parchment because nothing is that funny. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Nothing is that funny! Shout out to paulspizale, who says they’re only upping their review to five stars because we did some Snape fics, and… [Sequoia laughs loudly] thanks?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shoutout to marinahhhh, who says they’ve never laughed so hard listening to disembodied voices, and I mean, we’re funny, but the ghost in my bedroom is a real comedian.
Kim: [pause] What?
Sequoia: Disembodied voices! [pause] Oh my god! [laughs] My comedy is lost on you! [pause] All right, fine, let’s get into it. So this story that we’re reading began with Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Draco and Pansy all finding out that they are heirs to the Hogwarts house… the Hogwarts founders, and Hermione also is the heir to Merlin. They can telepathically communicate with each other, they can use wandless magic, and Hermione can read people’s thoughts and also their feelings.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: After this was all revealed to us, there was, like, a pretty giant passage of time, and then we get into Hermione going to community college. Her, Ginny, and Pansy are BFFs, everybody lives in Grimmauld Place together except for Draco.
Kim: Who’s on a super… super secret…
Sequoia: Who’s on a super secret mission.
Kim: [laughing] …spy…
Sequoia: Spy mission, for the order of the phoenix, and he just happens to also be at this Muggle community college for god knows what reason. They run into each other meet cute style, and Hermione doesn’t manage to look at him, or… [laughs] or recognise him until he brings her her purse in class. They get into a fight, a Death Eater is there spying on Hermione, they disguise themselves using magic, and then that guy goes away and then Hermione’s like, [high-pitched] I’m gonna meet some friends, you wanna come with me?
Kim: [laughs] And they apparate off.
Sequoia: And they apparate off!
Kim: At the end. That was what…
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We left off with them apparating.
Sequoia: Apparating away. [pause] Okay, you get to make one prediction about what’s going to happen in the rest of our story here.
Kim: Okay. I have never been sitting on the other end of this. This is hard!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah! See! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha HA!
Kim: Oh shit. Lemme think about this. This fanfiction is gonna end with a group wedding where all six of the chosen ones get married to each other at the same time.
Sequoia: [laughs] Incredible. Thank you.
Kim: Er, thank YOU. [both laugh]
Sequoia: If you guys wanna make one prediction about what’s gonna happen in the rest of this story, make sure to tweet it at us. Respond to our question on our Instagram story, and, if you are one of our patrons, make sure to put it in the Discord for those house points. Are you ready?
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: [laughs] Are you prepared?
Kim: Clearly not!
Sequoia: All right, so, Hermione and Draco just apparated away.
Kim: Yes. [pause] To go shoppiiiiiing!
Sequoia: To go shopping. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. I’m gonna go with my friends.
Kim: What was it… ‘cause the chapter title was…
Sequoia: The chapter title was An Encounter and Shopping.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So… [laughs]
Kim: So I assume we’re going shopping now, but I don’t know anything about what’s going on in this story, so…
Sequoia: True, true, true. [pause] They arrived in Diagon Alley. Hermione pulled Draco behind her as she started toward the pair of familiar faces. Those faces went with the bodies of Pansy and Ginny. [Kim splutters loudly] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s a fucking weird way to phrase that. I like it, that’s weird.
Sequoia: I like to think the faces are not Pansy and Ginny’s faces. They’re different familiar faces.
Kim: Like normal…
Sequoia: They just came with the bodies of Pansy and Ginny.
Both: Weird! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: I’m surprised that they apparated to Diagon Alley, honestly.
Sequoia: There’s a war!
Kim: A, there’s a war. B, I kind of expected them to just go to, like, the mall.
Sequoia: [singing] Let’s go to the mall!
Kim: Right? Yeah.
Sequoia: No. This is like the mall. It’s like a… like a… sort of like the mall.
Both: Hmm.
Sequoia: A weird mall.
Kim: Okay, continue!
Sequoia: They waved hello to Hermione, but were confused at the presence of Draco.
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause he’s a spy and you’re in the middle of Diagon Alley!
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: What are you… what are you doing?
Sequoia: Yep. Shopping! “Hey guys, I have something to tell you. Draco is going to be hanging out with us too.” Then she let her voice drop to a whisper. “Oh, and I’m bringing him shopping too. Just as a little payback.”
Kim: [pause] What are you talking about, Hermione?
Sequoia: Well, he was…
Kim: He’s gonna be hanging out with us, and also going shopping with us, which is payback for Draco why? Draco fucking loves shopping. [Sequoia laughs] Look at him!
Sequoia: Yeah, he does love shopping! [laughs] Incredible. They got a table at a small café and ordered lunch. Then Hermione told them about what happened with the Death Eater. When she finished, Pansy and Ginny had looks of concern and shock written on their faces.
Kim: Hermione, maybe you shouldn’t go to community college because THERE’S A WAR GOING ON!
Sequoia: [laughs] Maybe you should stay inside! [laughs] “First, are you guys sure you’re all right? Secondly, Draco, why were you at Mione’s school?”
Kim: [gags] Just a little bit of my soul leaving my body.
Sequoia: Yep! Yep.
Kim: Every time that happens just a little bit chunks on off.
Sequoia: [laughs] Bye! “Care to explain?” Pansy said with a sly grin on her face. Draco just blushed and looked away, refusing to confess as to the reason for his appearance.
Kim: He was just following Hermione because he likes her?
Sequoia: I think he was just following Hermione ‘cause he likes her.
Kim: Holy shit!
Sequoia: He was shirking his spy duties in order to follow Hermione around her community college.
Kim: She can read…
Both: …miiiinds!
Sequoia: But he knows that she wouldn’t do that without asking first.
Kim: She’s a Gryffindor at heart.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Even though she’s a Ravenclaw…
Sequoia: [laughs] Even though she’s a Ravenclaw at heart? What’s happening? They finished up lunch and went on to do other activities.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: The girls were pulling Draco along with evil grins, and he was getting worried.
Kim: [high pitched] It’s time for a makeoverrrr!
Sequoia: Not yet!
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Can you please wait? [laughs]
Kim: Jesus Christ! What the fuck is this shit you found?
Sequoia: [still laughing] This story is doing whatever it wants to do in the moment, okay?
Kim: This author’s living in the moment! I am all for that. You live your best life, author.
Sequoia: [laughs] Pansy latched onto him and then disappeared into the Muggle streets. [pause] [quietly] No, that’s not what happened.
Kim: [laughs] Try again.
Sequoia: Pansy latched onto him and then disapparated them to Muggle London.
Kim: Okay, now we’re going to the Muggle…
Sequioa: Now we’re going to the Muggle…
Kim: We met up in Diagon Alley for no apparent reason.
Sequoia: For lunch! For lunch.
Kim: ‘Cause, like, wizards make better food than anyone else. Why would you…
Sequoia: [laughs] For lunch! Magic lunch.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] When they arrived, Draco was frustrated because he had no idea where they were taking him.
Kim: The mall!
Sequoia: [dramatic, drawling voice, used for Draco throughout] “All right Pansy, where are we going?” inquired Draco angrily. Then, just as they had stopped in front of a clothing store, he shouted, "NO! I'd rather die [laughs] than go shopping with you three!"
Kim: Yeah, they have terrible taste.
Sequoia: It’s them.
Kim: You’re right, Draco.
Sequoia: It’s not the shopping. It’s them.
Kim: Yeah, it’s them. They have terrible taste!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Draco doesn’t wanna go to their shitty stores.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: He only shops at… [pause] [quietly] I don’t have anything for this.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, he only shops where you spend the most money.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And he… yeah, he has his very specific style.
Kim: He’s got a wizard tailor.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s one of those rich people that’s so rich that, like, they don’t buy clothes places.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Like, people make the clothes for them specifically.
Kim: Yeah, he doesn’t wanna go shopping and buying things off the rack.
Sequoia: Off the rack!
Kim: You poors! [Sequoia laughs] What are you talking about? [dramatic, high-pitched drawling voice] I’m Draco Malfoy!
Sequoia: Poors! But his protests died on his lips when Hermione whipped out her wand. [Kim sniggers] [quietly] Which she doesn’t need. [both laugh]
Kim: You are in a Muggle shopping area. You do not need a wand. [Sequoia laughs] What are you doing?
Sequoia: "Draco Malfoy, you WILL go shopping with us. You had the nerve to go and disrupt my class time.”
Kim: Hermione, you left class and didn’t go back! [Sequoia laughs] What is happening?
Sequoia: You left class to planned lunch and shopping instead.
Kim: Yeah! You clearly were not… oh my god. [Sequoia chuckles] Although maybe it wasn’t just a planned lunch. Maybe she, like, pinged them telepathically, like, meet for luuunch!
Sequoia: If anyone ever, like, appeared in my brain, and was like, meet for luuunch! I don’t know what I’d do. [laughs]
Kim: Cry?
Sequoia: Cry.
Kim: Would be me.
Sequoia: I’d be like, nooo! “You had the nerve to go and disrupt my class time. That takes some real nerve, you little prat. Now you have to pay for your crime," she said harshly with a smirk so like Malfoy's on her face. Draco grudgingly slumped into the store. The girls wore triumphant smiles as they followed him. Oh yes, today was going to be very fun.
Kim: Is this the end of chapter three?
Sequoia: Almost.
Kim: Oh, okay. You sounded kind of…
Sequoia: Right, but that was like the end of the… we don’t get to see the shopping.
Kim: What?! [Sequoia laughs] Why the fuck not?
Sequoia: We don’t get to see any of the shopping. [Kim groans] No, we just assume Draco had a terrible time because they all have really bad taste, and are poor, so…
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] [both sigh loudly]
Sequoia: Draco flopped down on his bed at Grimmauld Pl… This is… there’s a passage of time.
Both: There’s a passage of time.
Kim: And Draco DOES have a bed at Grimmauld Place!
Sequoia: He does!
Kim: He DOES live there!
Sequoia: But he doesn’t live there because he’s on a mission.
Kim: He lives there when he’s not on his mission.
Sequoia: I see.
Kim: He lives there!
Sequoia: He lives there, yeah.
Kim: Fine, Draco.
Sequoia: Misdirection. [pause] Draco flopped down on his bed at Grimmauld Place. After his day in Muggle London he hadn’t the energy to go back to Malfoy Manor.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: The nerve of those girls! They took him to all kinds of places. First it was casual clothing, then they went on to buy dresses and formal wear.
Kim: WHY?!
Sequoia: [laughs] For all the wartime balls they’re attending while they’re being hunted. [laughs]
Kim: [quietly] What is happening?
Sequoia: They went to get some formal wear. [chuckles]
Kim: No they didn’t!
Sequoia: You know, when I… when I… when I’m the heir to a founder…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and I wanna feel glamorous…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: While I’m hanging out in the confines of twelve Grimmauld Place… [laughs]
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …you know, I go out, I get something fancy, I get a fancy dress, I just put it… you just put it on! You just put it on, and you wear your gown around twelve Grimmauld Place. Gloves. Maybe a little mask.
Kim: What? [very quietly] Sequoia?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: I mean, that’s f… that’s all fine. [Sequoia laughs] But getting dressed up fancy in Grimmauld Place is fine.
Sequoia: Okay, sure! Fine.
Kim: What I don’t understand is the leaving to go buy formal wear portion of that, when you could just use…
Both: …magic.
Sequoia: Nope!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: No magic! [laughs]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Especially without your wand. [pause] After all that was shoe shopping. Pansy had even made him buy some things, claiming that it was just perfect for him and that if he didn’t buy it all would be lost.
Kim: [splutters] Glad Pansy’s keeping things in perspective! [Sequoia laughs] Nice that someone’s keeping an eye to…
Sequoia: On… on all is lost? Once they’d finished doing all their shopping, do you know where they went? Take a guess.
Kim: TCBY.
Sequoia: No. Try again, though.
Kim: To Mrs. Fields. [Sequoia laughs quietly] Hot dog on a stick.
Sequoia: [laughs] To a spa! [Kim laughs] They had a spa day, clearly. Come on. Come on! We had lunch, we went shopping, and then we’re going to have a spa day! Spa treatment! Girls’ day! [laughs]
Kim: Do you not have class, Hermione?
Sequoia: No, she just had that one class, and she left it. [Kim cry laughs] And they’re being hunted. [laughs]
Kim: But they bought all the formal wear they needed!
Sequoia: For their spa day. [laughs]
Kim: [weakly] For their spa day!
Sequoia: I like to imagine them in, like, these really, like, elaborate gowns, laying… getting their facials done.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Mhm. That’s very good.
Kim: Mhm. All right, what spa treatments are they gonna have?
Sequoia: They don’t… they’re not gonna tell us.
Kim: No, they just went… they went…
Sequoia: They went to the spa.
Kim: Why’s Draco so tired? He just had a lovely spa day.
Sequoia: Yeah, because he’s so relaxed.
Kim: Oh, Okay.
Sequoia: His spa day relaxed him after the stressful watching them buy ugly clothes experience.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: He had this kind of nice spa experience, and now he’s tired.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He’s relaxed.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He’s just gonna hang out. He doesn’t wanna do any spying today. No spying for him.
Kim: Just gonna chill.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s just gonna chill.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Oh no, there is a spa… [laughs] wait, it’s a couple of sentences down, I’m sorry.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: Ginny had threatened him with one of her bat bogey hexes.
Kim: Fine. Ginny only knows one spell.
Sequoia: [laughing] No sir, he didn’t want to get on her bad side. Yeah, there’s one spell.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Everyone only knows one spell, except for Hermione ‘cause she’s the bravest and the strongest and the smartest and the…
Kim: She knows every spell.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Then Granger had forced him to get his chest, back, and eyebrows WAXED! [long pause] [Kim laughs] Hermione’s like, you interrupted me during class. You should get your back waxed! [laughs loudly]
Kim: [whimpers softly, then wails] What?! [makes wordless noises]
Sequoia: Boy, was he tired. [Kim continues whimpering, wailing, and making wordless noises] When they… when they… [Kim still making whimpering noises] Uh huh? Do you have more to say? Do you have some more to say about it?
Kim: What?! [laughs]
Sequoia: Uh huh. Uh huh. Let it all sink in.
Kim: WHAT?! Sequoia.
Sequoia: They seem to have a lot of money, also, for people who are just like…
Kim: Yeah, they’re WIZARDS!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They can just make Muggle money, who the fuck cares? [Sequoia laughs] No. Sequoia!
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: [pause] A world where Draco Malfoy doesn’t meticulously manicure himself is not a world that I believe in.
Sequoia: Oh, this is where you… you are unable to suspend your disbelief any more, when he…
Kim: I draw the line!
Sequoia: [laughing] You draw the line at the fact that Draco doesn’t already have his back… [laughs]
Kim: That Draco doesn’t already have perfectly manicured eyebrows? Excuse me, no! [both laugh] Wrong.
Sequoia: You know what, you’re right. You’re correct.
Kim: Incorrect.
Sequoia: I agree, I agree.
Kim: Okay. I draw the line here. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Here… here we go. Well, this episode is over. Thank you so much for… [laughs] Boy, was he tired. When they finally returned to the headquarters, he could only stand long enough to wash up and strip down to his boxers [pause] A/N…
Kim: No! Go away! Go away author, I don’t wanna hear whatever this is.
Sequoia: You don’t wanna hear what this is? YUM! says the author. [both laugh] Yum! [Kim groans] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Go home, author!
Sequoia: [laughs] YUM! And get into bed. Draco swore to never EVER go shopping with those three monsters again! And now that’s the end of the chapter. [pause] Okay, Kim.
Kim: I just…
Sequoia: What? [laughs loudly]
Kim: What is any of this?
Sequoia: Listen, this is…
Kim: All right, give me… give me the chapter title for chapter four.
Sequoia: Chapter four, it’s called, AHHH! GRANGER! [long pause] Mhm. Mhm. [cackles] I… I… I know this is not coming across in an audio format, but Kim just looks so defeated. [chuckles]
Kim: [high-pitched] I just… [sighs]
Sequoia: Hm! Just like Hermione, Harry and Ron had become friends with a Slytherin too.
Kim: [pause] Is it… is it Draco?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: [laughing] Okay. A little afraid we were gonna introduce another character.
Sequoia: It’s…
Kim: I’m losing it, man. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Not keeping it together.
Sequoia: Marcus Flint.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: While Hermione and Ginny had been off with Pansy, they had been off with Draco.
Kim: No they haven’t. Draco is a super secret… never mind.
Sequoia: During the training phases.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Fine. Sure!
Sequoia: You know, there’s been a years.
Kim: Fine, fine.
Sequoia: There’s been a couple of years. At first, all they had to do was argue about quidditch. Then the arguments had progressed to scrimmages. They’d gotten past all the hate and insults, though they still enjoyed poking fun at one another. Harry and Ron crept into Draco’s room the next morning.
Kim: [laughs] Okay, I was getting excited. I was like, ah! [Sequoia chuckles] This is the ship I like! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Harry/Ron/Draco?
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh] That’s some good sh… aw, it’s gotta have a Dron base though.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, that’s fine. [laughs] Knowing that he had come in completely exhausted yesterday, they wanted to take advantage of the sleeping Draco.
Kim: To do what with?
Sequoia: A/N says, And I don’t mean do anything bad to him.
Kim: Oh. I’m the bad guy.
Sequoia: Yep, you are the bad guy, and the A/N knew.
Kim: The A/N knew what I was thinking.
Sequoia: [laughing] The A/N knew you were here.
Kim: Somehow, back in two thousand and whatever [Sequoia laughs] the author’s like, Kim’s nasty. She’s gonna think that they’re doing it. [both chuckle] [pause] But they’re not! Thanks, author.
Sequoia: I fucking… okay. I want you to try and help me try and make sense of what happens next, okay?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Harry went to cover his mouth… Draco’s mouth.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …while Ron held his nose.
Kim: Okay, they’re killing him.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Harry and Ron are here to murder Draco. [Sequoia laughs] Fine?
Sequoia: Excuse me? They waited about ten seconds, until Draco’s eyes…
Kim: Draco stopped breathing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco’s like, bro, I can’t breathe!
Kim: Okayyy.
Sequoia: Draco’s eyes [laughs] shot wide open and he leapt from the bed. The duo fell on the ground laughing. Ha ha ha ha ha, we almost killed you! Funny stuff. [laughs]
Kim: Is this a prank?
Sequoia: [sighs] It’s a terrible prank.
Kim: This is probably less… this is less of a prank than the ha ha we changed the color of your hair, skin, and robes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hair, skin, AND robes!
Kim: Less of a prank than that.
Sequoia: They…
Kim: And that’s nothing.
Sequoia: They should’ve put his hand in some warm water, or whatever.
Kim: Yeah, make him piss himself! [both cackle]
Sequoia: Shoulda put his bra in the… in the freezer. They coulda taken a Sharpie and written boobs on his forehead, but instead they tried to kill him! [both laugh]
Kim: [shrilly] Here’s a funny sleepover prank! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco scowled and exited his room with Harry and Ron in his wake, laughing all the way to the kitchen. When the trio arrived, they found Hermione silently crying at the table.
Kim: Oh. Did she get a bad grade at community college because she left?
Sequoia: [laughs] Similar. Immediately, Harry and Ron ran over while throwing concerned glances at her. They wrapped their arms around her and inquired as to what was wrong. “Well,” Hermione sniffed.
Kim: This is… I’m not…
Sequoia: “Since that Death Eater showed up, I can’t go to school any morrrre!” [Kim sighs] She then began to bawl again. She really wanted to go to community college!
Kim: I feel so bad for her?
Sequoia: She’s so borrrred.
Kim: Just finish the war then! You’re Merlin or whatever! [Sequoia laughs] Go kill Voldemort and then you can go to community college all you want!
Sequoia: Oh, man, you are directly Merlin. [chuckles] Go fix this! [both sigh]
Kim: Oh Hermione.
Sequoia: The three men in the room had contained their chortles as long as possible. Soon it became too much for them to handle. [Kim cackles] Their laughter bubbled up and out of them and they collapsed onto the ground, laughing the whole way down.
Kim: [still laughing] That’s terrible!
Sequoia: That’s fucking rude.
Kim: That’s so mean!
Sequoia: It’s so rude! She loves school! She just wanted to go [laughs] do some school. Don’t be mean to her, she’s the heir of… to Ravenclaw or whatever!
Kim: She IS Merlin.
Sequoia: [laughs] She IS Merlin. Draco, being the more dignified one, picked himself up off the floor first. About five minutes later…
Kim: No…
Sequoia: [laughs] …the Devious Duo lugged themselves off the ground.
Kim: Do you know how long five minutes is?
Sequoia: Five minutes is so long to be laughing. I would know. [both laugh] We would know.
Kim: We would know. [both sigh]
Sequoia: Oh, man. Sometimes we go on a… we laugh for like a super long time about something. We’re crying. We’re laughing.
Kim: Yeah. Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then we’re like, wow, we laughed for way too long, and then I go into the edit, and it’s, like [quietly] twenty seconds.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: There’s… five minutes is a long time to be laughing.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: On the ground.
Kim: You pee yourself around minute two.
Sequoia: [laughs] She glared at the two next to her, for they had laughed the longest and the hardest.
Kim: There are four people in the room. [laughs]
Sequoia: Right, but she was… but Harry and Ron were the lou… lou… loudest, longest. [laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: They did the most bad… they were the baddest!
Kim: Out of the three people that… [laughs] continue.
Sequoia: “Hermy.”
Kim: NOOO!
Sequoia: We both… this one’s got both in it. Mione and Hermy. [Kim sighs] Both are in it. [laughs] “Hermy.” She scowled at the name.
Kim: Okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: “We’re sorry for ridiculing you, but it’s only school.” Hermione opened her mouth to retort.
Kim: And there’s a war going on.
Sequoia: Mostly there’s a war going on. [chuckles] Hermione opened her mouth to retort, but stopped short. Officially fed up with the males in the room, Hermione drew out her wand. That she doesn't need.
Kim: And killed them. [both laugh]
Sequoia: She summoned theirs. But they don't need them.
Kim: Yeah, nobody needs a wand. [Sequoia laughs] I wonder, actually, though. I wonder if the author got pushed back on the wandless magic stuff in the comments and maybe cut it subsequently.
Sequoia: Oh, maybe. Maybe.
Kim: Because that… that would maybe explain that to me.
Sequoia: Yeah, that would check out.
Kim: Or they forgot.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's one of those two.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Either way, they need their wands to do magic as far as the rest of the story is concerned.
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: She summoned theirs. Before they knew what was going on, she had them in a full body bind.
Kim: She's ready for… oh, she summoned their wands from them.
Sequoia: She summoned their wands from them, and then she put them in a full body bind.
Kim: Okay, cool. Fine.
Sequoia: She smirked when they looked at her with shocked and fearful expressions.
Kim: Then she murdered them.
Sequoia: Nope. She's going to do something else. Hermione levitated…
Kim: No. Then she changed the color of their…
Both: …hair, skin and robes.
Sequoia: Got 'em!
Kim: Now it's piiink. [Sequoia laughs] Sirius comes back from the grave to laugh at them.
Sequoia: Nah, he's not dead. [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No, he is… he is dead. I was just joking.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Was I? I think I was. [laughs]
Kim: Sirius isn't going to suddenly appear in this?
Sequoia: I don't think so.
Kim: I would not be surprised. I'm… I’m ready for anything at this point. What is this?
Sequoia: You should be! Hermione levitated them out into the foyer just as Pansy and Ginny were descending the stairs. Both were looking at her with confusion in their eyes.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: “Hello, Pans, Gin.”
Kim: Pans? Pans?
Sequoia: Pans like pots and pans. [laughs]
Kim: Pans?
Sequoia: Pans. Pansy is just like not a long name.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And Ginny is not a long name either.
Kim: No. No.
Sequoia: I just like don't see that… I just don't see the need.
Kim: [whispering] Pans.
Sequoia: Pans and Gin. Those are two things you find in my kitchen. [laughs]
Kim: There's nothing in your kitchen. Don't lie to the people.
Sequoia: There is now!
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But it's only because we can't leave the house. Usually there would be…
Kim: Yeah. I’ve seen…
Sequoia: ..nothing of mine in my house.
Kim: I’ve seen your kitchen.
Sequoia: There's pans. Well, there's not gin there now but… [laughs] “You see these three boys here?”
Kim: I'm going to kill them.
Sequoia: “Well, they've been behaving rather naughty.”
Kim: They've been very naughty. And I'm going to punish them.
Sequoia: Gross. "I think they need a punishment, don't you?" [laughs]
Kim: Yikes. Yikes. Oh, poor author.
Sequoia: [holding back laughter] They nodded once more, this time with evil grins.
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Turning back to their fear filled Harry, Ron and Draco, she pulled out her wand. She pointed at the ground and muttered a spell. She had conjured up a large glass bowl. It was just large enough for three very naughty boys. [laughs]
Kim: Is she gonna dunk them in water? What are you doing, Hermione?
Sequoia: No, I need you to imagine, like, a… like a fish bowl.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs helplessly]
Kim: This is… this is just…
Sequoia: [still laughing] I’m sorry!
Kim: This is going… I just…
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay! Hermione then said, while pointing at Harry, "Contego Crinis." Then, to Ron, "Abeo Pilosus Bestia." Lastly, she turned to Draco and with a smirk said, "Verto Niveus Bestia."
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: After casting her spells on the boys, she levitated them into the glass bowl. Next, she attached the bowl to the ceiling, where everyone could get a glimpse of the hilarious sight.
Kim: The bowl? She attached the bowl to the ceiling?
Sequoia: Yeah, she attached the bowl to the ceiling.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So it's like dangling from the ceiling.
Kim: Okay. She's cast three something spells. I don't know. Look it up. It's just Latin, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah. So they're in a bowl. Ron was a weasel.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Harry was covered in hair, and Draco was a ferret. Harry’s just… Harry’s just… hairy? [laughs] Is he regular sized? How big is the bowl? I'm very confused.
Kim: I think it's huge. Huge man sized fish bowl.
Sequoia: And then a weasel…
Kim: She has attached it to the ceiling. It's got a weasel, a ferret and a very hairy…
Sequoia: A very hairy Harry in it.
Kim: Hermione, this is nothing!
Sequoia: She's been training for this for years. [laughs] [muffled voice] Oh my god, my face hurts.
Kim: Mine, too. Is this the part where ferret… ferret Draco and weasel Ron do it?
Sequoia: Weasel Wo… yeah, I think it is.
Kim: Poor Harry.
Sequoia: Now it was the three females who couldn't and wouldn't hold in their laughter.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: A passage of time. [both laugh] What? A passage of time!
Kim: This author has made a little AU space for themselves, and I really like how they're playing in the space. They're doing a good job.
Sequoia: They are. They're playing in the space. They're seeing… they’re trying everything.
Kim: Yeah. They're just trying to learn something new. It's good.
Sequoia: I respect it.
Kim: Yeah, I do, too.
Sequoia: In need of a relaxing bath, Hermione went to the luxurious bathroom. It contained the pool size tub and millions of faucets, just like the prefects’ bathroom did.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She threw on her bathing suit and dived into the warm, bubbly water. She swam for about thirty minutes. The rest of the time, she went underwater. Or, The next time she went underwater, Draco stormed in. He, too, was in a need of a relaxing…
Kim: Good thing. It’s a good time… good thing she's taking a bath in a bathing suit, then.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Do you think they storm into the bathroom… why does the bath… ne… [Sequoia laughs] none of it matters. Nothing matters.
Sequoia: No. Ask your question. What's your question?
Kim: Why doesn't the bathroom lock?
Sequoia: Ummm. Because it's an old house.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: And the locks are broken.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: On all doors.
Kim: Nope. Nice try.
Sequoia: That's all I got.
Kim: It's a good thing they all take baths in bathing suits then.
Sequoia: Do they?
Kim: Oh god! [Sequoia laughs] Yum.
Sequoia: [laughs at length] Please don't do that ever again.
Kim: Here's the thing. Make me.
Sequoia: [pulling herself together] Okay. All right. Draco is here now. He, too, was in need of a relaxing bath. Draco was oblivious to the girl in the tub. He stripped out and jumped in. Hermione came to the surface. At that moment she noticed another being in the tub.
Kim: She noticed some genitals in her face.
Sequoia: [laughs] “DRACO!” Hermione screamed when he resurfaced. “AHHH GRANGER!”
Both: Ah! EYYYYY!
Sequoia: Got'em. …was the reply. After the screaming fit, they stared at each other. That was when she noticed Draco was clad only in his birthday suit.
Kim: Only his birthday suit!
Sequoia: A/N.
Kim: No. Go away A/N.
Sequoia: For those of you who don't know what a birthday suit means…
Kim: This is not the note that I was expecting here!
Sequoia: She just wanted to clarify. For those of you who don't know what a birthday suit means, it means Draco was nakey. It says nakey.
Kim: How did they spell nakey?
Sequoia: N-A-K-E-Y.
Kim: [whispering] Yes.
[Sequoia laughs]
Both: [chanting] Dracey is nakey. Drakey. Nakey. Drakey. Nakey. [both laugh]
Kim: That's not obnoxious.
Sequoia: That was so dumb.
Kim: Oh man. You know my birthday suit is… [pause] [Sequoia laughs] I was really hoping anything would come to me before the… [both laugh for a long time] it's a shame I don't know how to be funny.
Sequoia: You know, I really believe that isolation has done something to us. [still laughing] Don't know that it’s good.
Kim: It's not. Can answer that definitively. Whatever this energy is, it's not good.
Sequoia: It’s… oh man. Okay.
Kim: I’m done. Crying.
Sequoia: Both pairs of eyes widened at this realization. Quickly, Hermione swam to the edge and pulled herself out while Draco covered himself up with bubbles.
Kim: [snorts] Just close… Hermione, just close your eyes!
Sequoia: Before she left the room she turned back to a pink faced Draco. Hermione said, "Oh, Draco? Nice package."
Kim: Nice sh… oh my god! [Sequoia laughs] HERMIONE!
Sequoia: HERMIONE! [both laugh]
Kim: I seriously did not expect you to say that. I was trying to be nasty, it's not funny if the author would do the same thing!
Sequoia: Sometimes, you know, there… there have been… there would be times where I would have cut that. But today is not that day. [laughs]
Kim: Nice shlong, Draco…
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: …says Hermione Granger, heir to Ravenclaw and Merlin.
Sequoia: [laughs] Here's the thing, though, is I'm not entirely sure if she's saying it sarcastically or not.
Kim: Doesn't matter.
Sequoia: Okay. Then she left, with the sound of her laughter drifting through the halls. I think it was sarcastic.
Kim: I mean, it's not like Hermione really has seen that many [whispering] packages.
Sequoia: Who knows? Who knows?
Kim: Who is she comparing it to?
Sequoia: I don't know. Who knows?
Kim: Ah Jesus.
Sequoia: By now, Draco's face resembled Ron's fiery hair.
Kim: Fine. Draco, your penis is fine. [Sequoia laughs] All penises are fine. Don't worry.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Okay. Chapter five.
Kim: She's the one that didn't lock the bathroom door. Jesus Christ. Draco is not in the wrong here!
Sequoia: Chapter five.
Kim: Okay, here we go. Final stretch.
Sequoia: Final stretch. Here we go. M.O. Emergency.
Kim: What? MO? The letter M.
Sequoia: The letter M.
Kim: The letter…
Sequoia: Dot, the letter O. M.O. Emergency.
Kim: Okay. I'm guessing this is going to make more sense some day.
Sequoia: It might.
Kim: I'm feeling discouraged about my prediction, though. This doesn't seem like we're going to get to the part of the romance where they all get married, and I'm very sad about that.
Sequoia: Yeah, well, we'll get somewhere in the romance. After the embarrassing incident in the bathroom…
Kim: She didn't lock the door.
Sequoia: …Draco had retreated to his room.
Kim: Actually, she didn’t… not only didn't she lock the door, she was swimming. She was bathing with her swimsuit on. She wanted someone to come in so that she could see their package.
Sequoia: [laughs] Wow!
Kim: Hermione's a fucking freak. You nasty, Hermione! Trying to catch your…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: …fellow whatevers nakey!
Sequoia: Heirs. Drakey’s nakey! Draco had retreated to his room. He feared running into Hermione and having her ridicule him.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: The next morning, he finally emerged, but he had made a silent vow to humiliate her, too.
Kim: He's gonna have a lot of explaining to do when he gets back to the Death Eaters. They'd be like, why are you gone for, like, a week?
Sequoia: Several days! [chuckles]
Kim: Where were you?
Sequoia: It was, of course, revenge for turning him into a ferret. While all these thoughts were whirling through his mind, Hermione decided to make her entrance.
Kim: [laughs] What?
Sequoia: I don't know. I don't know.
Kim: Where is Draco? Do we know?
Sequoia: Yeah, he's in the kitchen.
Kim: Okay. It didn't say that, though, did it?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But I think that's where they are.
Kim: Okay, so Draco is hanging out somewhere thinking about revenge, and…
Both: …Hermione has decided to make her entrance.
Kim: Hermione has been spending too much time with Pansy. And Draco.
Sequoia: A hundred percent. She was clad in a very modest skirt and a blouse that was even more modest. Hermione was also wearing knee highs with her Mary Janes.
Kim: Okay, thanks?
Sequoia: Draco glanced at her outfit and snorted…
Kim: [splutters] Why?
Sequoia: …with his face contorted into an evil grin. "Good god, Granger, you dress like my grandmother."
Kim: Oookay.
Sequoia: Hermione turned crimson. Her blood began to boil. Her right hand…
Kim: Like, you know… why does… what… no. Hermione, no. Stop. That was nothing, Hermione.
Sequoia: What? That was nothing?
Kim: She's going to like, what? She's going to murder him because…
Sequoia: [laughs] She's going to light him on fire.
Kim: Because he said she dresses conservatively.
Sequoia: He said she dresses like his grandma. And she was like, excuse me.
Kim: Who cares? I bet his grandma was very nice.
Sequoia: I bet his grandma was very nice.
Kim: No, she wasn't. That's actually not true.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: I bet his grandma was terrible. Sorry, why did I say that?
Sequoia: [laughs] It's another one of those reasons he doesn't want to go shopping with them.
Kim: Hermione has terrible taste.
Sequoia: She has terrible taste.
Kim: Yeah, fine.
Sequoia: This was established. Hermione… let’s see. Her right hand began to twitch, and she swore that she was struggling not to slap him, but instead, Hermione turned on heel and angrily stormed back up the stairs.
Kim: Okay, she's going to show him.
Sequoia: Draco sat back and smiled smugly. The rest…
Kim: No, that was nothing. That was nothing.
Sequoia: You know, like my grandma! [wordless noises] Storms away.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's it. That's all that's happened.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The rest of the crew looked at him with pity.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He had unofficially started a war with Hermione. This was not a war that would be easily…
Kim: See, I’m looking… I would be looking at him with pity because that was nothing.
Sequoia: Nothing. You'd be like, wow.
Kim: Wow, Draco. That was…
Sequoia: You should work on your…
Kim: Get any material. Although I also have no material. What am I saying?
Sequoia: I like that they're like, oh, no, he started a war with Hermione.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: When there's a real war that's also happening.
Kim: This isn't a good use of our time! [both laugh]
Sequoia: This was not a war that would be easily won.
Kim: Like the war that's currently going on, which you have not won yet.
Sequoia: Yeah, also not easily won.
Kim: You have not won it. Maybe they did off screen, and we just didn’t hear ab…
Sequoia: No. No, they didn’t.
Kim: Okay, because that would explain why Draco’s hanging out with them and it's fine.
Sequoia: Nope!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: We'll get there.
Kim: Oh, dear!
Sequoia: Before anyone could utter a word, the furious girl had screamed "Pansy! Ginny! M.O. emergency!"
Kim: You gotta be fucking kidding me, dude!
Sequoia: What? What?
Kim: I forgot that you promised this in the last episode.
Sequoia: I did, and we… we just recorded the last episode. This is the same day. I bet everybody else forgot too. Hurriedly, the girls being summoned scrambled upstairs. They knew what the emergency was, and they were itching to help her. The boys back in the kitchen were wholly confused.
Kim: Okay, so Hermione is going to show Draco how wrong he is about her dressing like his grandma by getting so hot that he gets a boner in front of everyone. And that's her revenge?
Sequoia: Mhm
Kim: ‘Kay. Do that.
Sequoia: I want you to just conceptualize. I want you to put… I want you to…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …think back. I want you to put yourself back where you were when I was reading the first chapter of this story. [laughs]
Kim: I don't think I can do that! [chuckles]
Sequoia: We've gone so far since then. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: So far. Back upstairs, the girls were working on their emergency.
Kim: It's not an emergency.
Sequoia: M.O. stood for make over. They had come up with this code…
Kim: How frequently do they have to do this? That they have a secret code for it.
Sequoia: A lot?
Kim: That's clearly not a secret.
Sequoia: They had to come up with this code so the others would know when they were in need of their service. Usually it was getting ready for balls or other formal occasions.
Kim: What? No, there are no balls or formal occasions happening.
Sequoia: There's a war.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: But when they have balls… [laughs] got a… formal occasions.
Kim: I don't think balls or formal occasions are really a makeover emergency. They're more of like, getting ready to go to the ball emergency.
Sequoia: But what if you get ready… okay, here's my thing. But what if you get ready to go to the ball?
Kim: Oh, and you come downstairs.
Sequoia: You come downstairs.
Kim: And Draco goes like…
Both: …you're dressed like my grandmother.
Kim: ‘Cause that's what he says every morning when he sees you. [Sequoia laughs] So you have a make over emergency every morning
Sequoia: Every day? Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Because you're Hermione or Pansy or Ginny, and you have no taste.
Sequoia: None of them.
Kim: So every day is a make over emergency!
Sequoia: Every day. Hermione's bedroom was a mass of clothes and shoes and hair and beauty projects.
Kim: Because they go shopping every day.
Sequoia: Every day.
Kim: ‘Cause every day is… [laughs] fine. Continue.
Sequoia: The main goal of all this? To bring down Malfoy. A passage of time.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: About an hour later, they were finally ready to unveil their masterpiece.
Kim: These people… talk about quarantine doing weird things to us. [Sequoia laughs] Quarantine or whatever is happening, like being locked in during the war, is doing very weird things to them.
Sequoia: [laughing] Very weird things to them! We're having a real hard time with it. Whoo, buddy. Pansy and Ginny went into the den where the three men were playing video games, courtesy of Hermione.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: "Harry," Ginny cooed…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …draping her arm over his shoulder. All she got in response was a grunt. Highly offended, Ginny pointed her hand… wandless magic.
Kim: Okay, we're back to this.
Sequoia: We're back. Ginny pointed her hand at the television and blew it up.
Kim: Hermione bought that television!
Sequoia: [laughs] I know! What the fuck, man? Ginny’s like, you’re playing video games and you’re not answering my question."
Kim: Always playing video games and grunting. Gaah!
Sequoia: Guh! What if I blow up your TV? [pause] Incredible.
Kim: ‘Kay
Sequoia: “Gin!” Harry cried. “Oh, quit giving me that look, it was only a video game.” “We, we being Pansy and I…”
Kim: It was our TV, our only source of entertainment in this isolation period.
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re… [laughs] "We, we being Pansy and I, have something to show all of you." "Presenting," took over Pansy. "The fabulous new and improved Hermione Granger." Hermione strutted into the boys’ range of vision. One glance at her and their jaws simultaneously dropped to the floor.
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ.
Sequoia: Are you ready?
Kim: Clearly not.
Sequoia: For the outfit description.
Kim: I mean, I love outfit descriptions, but…
Sequoia: Right? No. You're going to hate this outfit description, though.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I'm just going to let you know right now, just so that you can emotionally prepare for it.
Kim: I'm going to brace for this.
Sequoia: Okay, brace yourself. [yelling] Brace yourselves!
Kim: I hope her eyeshadow matches her shirt.
Sequoia: [chuckles] That's the mark of a really great…
Kim: Make over.
Sequoia: …outfit.
Kim: Yep. Okay, I'm ready.
Sequoia: Hermione was clad in a skin tight white halter top with a low v-neck. She was also wearing a tight jean skirt and black stilettos. Her hair was cascading down in soft curls down her back. The make up she was wearing was natural looking. To complete her new do, she had stolen Malfoy’s smirk. It's very nineties.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She's wearing a white halter top and a jean skirt.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And black stilettos.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Still relatively boring. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, this is boring. I was expecting something more than that.
Sequoia: No. I said you're going to hate it.
Kim: Yeah. I'm so bored. Where’s the gli…
Sequoia: Yeah. My grandmother would wear that.
Kim: Yeah, right?! [both laugh] Granger, I'm so bored. Put something more interesting on if you're going to do this stunt.
Sequoia: This was all she had. They had literally all her clothes out, even though she buys new clothes every single day.
Kim: Yep. And they can…
Sequoia: This was all they could come up with.
Kim: …use magic.
Sequoia: With their hands now, apparently, is where we've gotten to.
Kim: You could be wearing anything you choose. A white halter top and a jean skirt. Boring!
Sequoia: "I don't really think that your grandmother looks like this, now, does she?"
Kim: My grandmother has all the taste and class that the Malfoy name would imply. Disgusting. [Sequoia laughs] That was a compliment this morning.
Sequoia: Oh, wow! [chuckles] It's like oh, oops, weird. Well, now I'm uncomfortable. Now he was really losing it. Draco decided he would go in for a kiss.
Kim: What? [laughs]
Sequoia: What? What?
Kim: That came out of fucking nowhere!
Sequoia: [laughs] She's hot now, though. [laughs again] And he was following her around her school.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: You know.
Kim: And they ran into each other in the hallway.
Sequoia: And they ran into each other in the hallway, which means they have to get married.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: So they were bound to kiss sooner or later. And it might as well be in the living room in front of my friends.
Kim: Completely unprompted. [Sequoia laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: But a second before their lips met, Hermione turned her head and licked the side of his face, leaving a trail of saliva on his cheek.
Kim: [laughs] That's my move.
Sequoia: Oh, it is?
Kim: That's my go to romance move.
Sequoia: That's disgusting.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Please don't lick anyone in this time.
Kim: I'll lick whatever doorknobs I want.
Sequoia: [laughling] Oh my god!
Kim: Wait, what? I meant faces.
Sequoia: I meant what? Everyone laughed themselves into a fit of hysteria. Everyone, that is, except for Draco.
Kim: Whose face was covered in spit.
Sequoia: Spit. Gross.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: Hermione looked up to Draco, expecting to see him blow up in fury.
Kim: You know, that's a really advanced romance move. You've got to, like, build to that.
Sequoia: You gotta ease into it.
Kim: You can't just pull that out of the bag first thing.
Sequoia: No. I don't know what she's expecting.
Kim: It's an advanced technique.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't know if she's expecting him to be impressed by the advanced technique or… [laughs]
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: But he just sat there, seemingly dejected. Hermione frowned. He wasn't supposed to be upset. Well, that just ruins everything. "Draco I…'' Hermione didn't get to finish. Draco had stormed off when she started speaking. He seemed deeply hurt. Hermione went after him.
Kim: Yeah, he was really putting himself out there. Going in for the kiss unprompted.
Sequoia: Yeah. He was just going in for the kiss unprompted in front of all your friends!
Kim: You could have just said, hey, maybe back off.
Sequoia: No, buddy. No, no, no, no, no.
Kim: Instead of licking his face.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequioa: That seems premeditated to me. Honestly.
Kim: Yeah, it does. Yeah.
Sequoia: When she got to his door, she knocked. No answer. Hermione knocked once more. Again, no answer.
Kim: And then she walked right in.
Sequoia: "Malfoy, if you don't open this door this instant, you will find that the door is no more."
Kim: Okay. Or you could just respect his boundaries and be a nice person.
Sequoia: Boundaries?
Kim: Never heard of them.
Sequoia: [chuckles] I was setting you up exactly for it.
Kim: Yep. That's why I did it.
Sequoia: Thank you. I appreciate it. The door swung open. Hermione continued in and then began her apology. "I'm really sorry, Draco. I guess I took it a bit too far. After all, it was you who started this war. That's not the point."
Kim: This isn’t… that… [mumbles]
Sequoia: "I want to make it up to you." "How?" "Well, you could look at my face." He stared at her incredulously. Hermione stepped closer. "Just kidding".
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Closer. "I was thinking," Closer.
Kim: You could lick the inside of my face. [makes licking noises]
Sequoia: [laughs] "That." Then she started to kiss him. He immediately responded. They parted on account of lack of oxygen. As per usual, folks. Here we are. We got here. People are making out, and they can't breathe.
Kim: Yep, we did get there.
Sequoia: We got there.
Kim: Got to there at least.
Sequoia: This is where we got in the romance. For a couple of minutes, they just stood in their silence, stealing glances at one another. Finally, Draco mumbled something. "What was that?"
Kim: Some’in.
Sequoia: Questioned Hermione.
Kim: [In a deep mumble] I love you. Let's get married. We ran into each other.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s a magical spell that was put on the Muggle Community College. [both laugh] "What was that?" questioned Hermione. "I said, you are forgiven." Hermione smiled, but before she left the room, she quickly gave him a hug and a peck on the lips. Hermione shouted, “Thanks!” over her shoulder as she walked out of his room. "No, thank you," muttered Draco softly to himself.
Kim: Yeah, I find that it's good to thank your kissing partner when you're done, to make sure that they really understand how you feel.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Thanks for the kiss, good buddy.
Sequoia: Hey. Hey! There's a lot of snapping and finger guns.
Kim: That's a given with me.
Sequoia: Ohhhh. Ohhh, yep!
Kim: When it comes to me, you're getting a lot of finger guns. [both laugh]
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Okayyy!
Sequoia: A couple of days later, Dumbledore made an appearance.
Kim: [In an old man voice] I'm back. There's a war going on. [Sequoia laughs] How's everything here? Holding down the floor?
Sequoia: They're all dressed in formal wear. [both laugh]
Kim: We're having a ball, Headmaster.
Sequoia: [laughing] We’re having a ball!
Kim: Everything here is fine. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Oh wow.
Sequoia: "Well, hello, heirs. How are you on this fine day?" Hermione felt a wave of boredom and frustration wash over her.
Kim: I'm so bored, Dumbledore! [both chuckle]
Sequoia: The emotion channeled from the rest of the crew.
Kim: Oh, right. She's an empath. This has not come up in…
Sequoia: In…
Kim: Yet, in the story.
Sequoia: No. Since the first time. Since chapter one.
Kim: Okay. She's an empath again.
Sequoia: The rest of the crew were urging Hermione to tell Dumbledore. The brunette had a feeling that they were doing this just to witness Hermione speak back to their once professor.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: "Actually, sir, we are quite bored at the moment. I am sick and tired of staying in this old moldy excuse for a house. I want to go out into the world, discover and experience new things. Most of all, I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! Of course, that is impossible in light of certain events. We need to stop hiding, go find Voldemort, GO KICK SOME EVIL ASS! BUT YOU WON'T LET US LEAVE!"
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Hermione was flushed after her powerful monologue.
Kim: This is a… you’ve picked an interesting story in light of what's going on right now, Sequoia.
Sequoia: I didn't… I didn’t even think of it, honestly. [laughs]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: But yeah, I have.
Kim: Interesting. Continue. Nothing I… nothing else I want to say about that.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. Cool, cool, cool. She was relieved that she had gotten that off her chest and embarrassed that she had let herself get carried away. Dumbledore was shocked at first, but then he started to chuckle.
Kim: Outside is nice. Remember outside?
Sequoia: [laughs] They go outside all the time.
Kim: To shop.
Sequoia: They go shopping all the time.
Kim: Maybe he told them they had to cut that the fuck out.
Sequoia: Yeah, like, come on, guys. You can't fucking do this shit. You're being hunted. "Miss Granger, You must have been holding that in for a while. Well, I'm glad you got that out of your system."
Kim: Now, wait here some more.
Sequoia: "It's hard to deal with one's emotions, especially when the emotional baggage of others is being thrust upon you."
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: "Anyway, since you're all so bored, I have come up with a plan."
Kim: You're all so bored and yet completely unable to come up with a plan on your own, despite being the heirs to the Hogwarts founders and Merlin.
Sequoia: Yup. Yup.
Kim: Here's the plan. Do this.
Sequoia: Here's the plan.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: "The plan is to hold relay races." [both laugh at length]
Kim: I mean, I guess we have to have the field day episode. [Sequoia laughs] You do usually… you usually get the field day episode before the beach episode, so…
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most looked at Dumbledore like he had three heads.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: "Relay races are a series of different races."
Kim: Nooo!
Sequoia: "I guess that could be considered a Muggle sport. The races may be anywhere from quaffle toss to hundred meter dash. You will be in teams of two. The teams are Harry, Ginny; Ron, Pansy; and Draco, Hermione. Now all you have to do is come up with team names and uniforms. Toodles!"
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: And with that, the Headmaster left the room, humming a Mary Poppins tune.
Kim: Is it Spoonful of Sugar?
Sequoia: I would think so.
Kim: Or Let's Go Fly a Kite.
Sequoia: Or is it…
Kim: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
Sequoia: I think it might be, yeah. That might be hard to whistle.
Kim: I think it's the kite one.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ‘Cause he's leaving to go fly a kite.
Sequoia: Yeah. [chuckles]
Kim: He's like, you're all gonna do a relay race.
Sequoia: Relay races!
Kim: I was kind of hoping it was like a relay race of death!
Sequoia: Right. Yeah.
Kim: Where you race…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …and the end of the race is, you kill Voldemort.
Sequoia: Yes. It's the hundred meter dash to kill Voldemort. [chuckles]
Kim: Yeah. I thought we were… I thought we were going to turn this around, but we did not.
Sequoia: Nope, we didn't.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: This is coming up with fun things for them to do for fun, not to kill Voldemort. The six young adults sat around brainstorming ideas for their uniforms…
Kim: No!
Sequoia: …and names for their upcoming competition.
Kim: Don't indulge this nonsense!
Sequoia: They have nothing else to do.
Kim: Go find any horcrux!
Sequoia: [laughs] They have nothing else to do. What horcruxes? The Half Blood Prince didn't happen.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Hermione suddenly jumped upright, eyes sparkling with ideas. She concentrated hard on Draco and herself. When she opened her eyes, she grinned. Draco was clad in navy blue and silver swim trunks.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: On the side of the pants was the team name, The Enemies. He was also wearing a tee that matched his shorts. Hermione was sporting a tankini and shorts that were the same colors as Draco's ensemble.
Kim: Why are they wearing… are they… is this a having a swim relay?
Sequoia: Beach clothes?
Kim: Oh, no. We're combining the field day episode with the beach episode?!
Sequoia: I think so.
Kim: You can't do that!
Sequoia: That is absolutely against the rules.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: That's a hundred percent not okay.
Kim: That's against the rules of anime.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Wait, what are we talking about?
Sequoia: Come on, don't they know? Anime. We're talking about anime. Clearly.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Her outfit also bore the team name.
Kim: The Enemies.
Sequoia: The Enemies.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: The other teams were similar. Harry and Ginny’s were golden maroon with the name the Fighters.
Kim: Nooo.
Sequoia: Ron and Pansy’s were white and deep green. Their name was The Dreamers. Everyone peered around the room, checking out the others’ uniforms. With satisfied nods, they all went up to bed, looking forward to the races that the wise old man had prepared for them. The end.
Kim: I know that's the end, but um… um…
Sequoia: But what?
Kim: Why are they going to bed in their uniforms?
Sequoia: [laughs] So they can be ready! So they can be ready when they wake up. They can just roll out of bed and they're ready for their… their one hundred meter dash to kill Voldemort.
Kim: [laughs] Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: How did that story become more nothing as it went on?
Sequoia: [laughs] I honestly don't know. It was like a… it’s like a maze that you can't find your way out of.
Kim: Yeah, it kind of seems that way.
Sequoia: [laughs] Well, your prediction was wrong.
Kim: I got a point.
Sequoia: You got a point from the previous episode. True. From… from this story you have garnered one point.
Kim: What was my third prediction from last time?
Sequoia: I don't remember it. It was wrong.
Kim: Was it?
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, I grade your… your predictions when you say them.
Kim: Oh, right. Yeah. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. [chuckles]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: You got one point.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: Okay. Well then, let's just go ahead and let's do a… are you ready for a…
Both: …quick ficsssssss!
Kim: There's no way that synced up.
Sequoia: I'll do something to it.
Kim: Oh well. Recording remotely is weird, dude.
Sequoia: It's hard.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Not preferable.
Kim: Okay. Anyway, so quick fics is a segment where we summarize a story that has been sent to us that maybe isn't quite right. Or that we found, I guess, that isn't quite right for the pod. This one was sent to us, though. It's outside of our time limit or I might have seriously considered using it.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: In this story… it takes place at the Malfoy Manor. Draco is having a nice quiet breakfast. His mom comes in and she's looking real hot. Thanks Draco. Which is real grim. Draco's like, wow, I'm really getting a boner looking at my mom.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: And Narcissa’s like, yeah, I'm into this as well.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: And they're like doing a thing, a weird, gross thing. And then Bella barges in and she's like, I just took the most massive nasty shit.
Sequoia: What? [laughs]
Kim: They're like, what the fuck? We didn't want to… what? You did. What? And Bella was like, yeah, it was huge and nasty!
Sequoia: What?
Kim: And then the room clears out and she's like, now I get to have a nice quiet breakfast. [both laugh]
Sequoia: What the fuck, man? Wow. People send you the weirdest shit. [laughs]
Kim: They really do. It was… it was so… it’s pretty darn funny, though. I actually. It's…
Sequoia: Nice. Well…
Kim: Narcissa is like eating an apple and getting it all over herself. And Draco’s like, yeahhh!
Sequoia: Gross! Well that was… that’s… well, that’s…
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: …upsetting.
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: Thanks. For that.
Kim: So thanks to the listener that sent that to me.
Sequoia: Or no thanks. Either one. You choose. That's fine. [chuckles]
Kim: It's funny. It's funny. Just be glad that it was outside of our time period, Sequoia. I would have seriously considered it.
Sequoia: Oh god! I would have been really upset if you had read that to me. Okay! Well, let's move on from that, please.
Kim: Cool. Let's travel into…
Both: …THE REC ZONE Pew, pew, pew, pew, pewww!
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, here's the thing. I am going to go ahead and rec two stories today.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And here's the reason. I have one story that's like very, very silly to recommend. I have another story that I… that I really, really loved that I want to recommend, but it is… it will have some trigger warnings on it. So I want to make sure that everybody has something to listen to or to read…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …if they want to read our recommendation.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So my first recommendation is going to have a few trigger warnings on it. It's Molly and Narcissa Malfoy. It's a series of them having tea together as they try to reconcile the fact that Ron and Draco are together [Kim laughs] and they're always going to be together and they like need to… they need to come to terms with that and realize that they're going to be family or whatever.
Kim: Coming to terms with Dron is hard for everyone, I think. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right? And then it keeps going more and more into like Molly's life and Narcissa's life after the war and them comforting… comforting each other and helping each other through hard times.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And it's very, very good. And then my second one, this is like my silly one.
Kim: What… so what are the trigger warnings that are on that one? You want to just lay them out?
Sequoia: Yeah, my trigger warning on that one is going to be abuse.
Kim: Okay. Fair.
Sequoia: And then my… my second one, my silly one, is Cedric/Viktor Krum. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice! Nice! Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
Sequoia: [at the same time] Here’s the thing. I wrote this fanfiction.
Kim: What? Sorry, I was talking over you, yelling nice over you.
Sequoia: I… I… I sincerely stared at this fan fiction and was like, did I write it? Did I write this fanfiction? Because it is a song fic. It's like one of those fics that has the song sort of just like lyrics in it. It doesn't have it… it’s… nobody’s singing the song or anything, it's just sort of copy pasted in it.
Kim: Sure. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: And it's the Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I was like, did I write this fanfiction?
Kim: Holy shit. That sounds incredible. Thank you. [singing] Bah bah! Bah bah! This is the sound of Cedricing.
Sequoia: [singing] This is the sound of settling! [laughs]
Kim: It's gotta go on the playlist now.
Sequoia: The implication is that they settle for not Hermione and Harry. It's a lot.
Kim: Wait, what? Not Cho?
Sequoia: Nope, Harry! You'll see. You’ll see. It's very good. I had a very fun time reading it.
Kim: I’m really excited!
Sequoia: And I think I wrote it probably in an alternate life or something.
Kim: That's funny.
Sequoia: [laughs]Those are my recommendations.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Those links will be in the description. Those links will also be on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com. Also on our website you can find our story submission form and our merch and our blog. And…
Sequoia: And?
Kim: Is that it? Nope.
Sequoia: That's it, probably. Yeah. If you want to follow us to get those updates on those story time livestreams, follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, @FanaticalFics. If you want to submit to the story time livestreams, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Correct. There are a number of ways you can support this podcast, including telling all your friends about it. When you get to see them again, or over Zoom or Skype
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or your video platform of choice.
Sequoia: Just start playing it in the background of your next Zoom call. [both chuckle]
Kim: Sure. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You could leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We will shout you out in six months to a year. And…
Kim: Or you can support us on Patreon. We're still running our discounted tiers, so go check that out. We are having just a blast over there. I like every one of those dummies so much. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We're doing writing competitions. We're watching movies together. We’re… one of our patrons is writing a short fic breakfast and a show every morning.
Kim: Yeah, those are real good.
Sequoia: Yeah, there's a lot happening over there. It's really, really fun.
Kim: So go check that out.
Sequoia: Speaking of Patreon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: After six months at certain tiers, you get shouted out on the podcast in the form of a story summary. So we're going to do those now.
Kim: Yep. Throughout Narcissa's time at Hogwarts, she's widely been seen as the most beautiful, most sought after single girl around. But this year, a new transfer student with a big brain and even bigger hair has caught her eye. How will she handle being the one doing the pursuing? Can she, with the help of her good friend Abbey, get the new girl, who keeps making weird cultural references that no one gets, to notice her? Things seem to be going well until her annoying sister Bella starts noticing the brainy beauty as well. Now Narcissa may have to do something drastic, and Abbey has just the backing music for a dramatic love confession in the library.
Sequoia: [laughs] Wow. That was Cissamione and Bellamione!
Kim: What uuup? It's a love triangle. Why not?
Sequoia: Incredible. Ron Weasley was mad. Well, maybe more than mad. All he wanted to do was play one bloody game of wizard's chess. But he could not convince anyone to play with him, not even Nikki, who was most likely to beat him in a match. Usually he'd have convinced Harry, but Harry was nowhere to be found, and Hermione couldn't be pried away from her book with any spell known to wizardkind. Deciding he'd better track down his best friend, Ron sets off to check Harry's regular hiding places. Not in the empty classroom on the fourth floor, not in the kitchens. But when he reaches the deserted corridor hidden behind a suit of armor, he gets much more than he bargained for. But at least now that he knows Harry and Draco's secret, Harry will have to play wizard's chess with him whenever he likes.
Kim: [laughs] Nice work. Thank you so much for supporting us. Your support means so much to us. We like you all so much. Do you know who else we like? Whomping Willows, for letting us use their incredible song Wolfstar.
Sequoia: All right, everybody.
Both: Byeeee!