Episode 73: Heirs (Part 1)
It’s finally time for Sequoia to do a double parter!!! What?!
Recommendation: Colorless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3554180/1/Colorless-Green-Ideas-Sleep-Furiously
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Ami
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Hey, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Who do you think owns the copyright on my image and voice? [Sequoia laughs] It’s a shame YouTube won’t let me stream.
Sequoia: I don’t know! Yeah, I don’t know, man, that is some crazy shit. Like, three times. We tried three times! [Kim cackles] I’ve been livestreaming with no problems. [Kim laughs] Even Colin livestreamed!
Kim: Can’t believe you gave him our fucking log in, man. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, I just… I have a lot of faith. I’m really trusting that he’s not going to abuse the username and password to our Twitter account. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: And not any other podcast. It is that one. The Harry Potter fanfiction one.
Kim: Because, turns out this is all… this is all we’ve got in us, apparently. [Sequoia laughs] This is it!
Sequoia: It’s all we can do.
Kim: It’s all we have.
Sequoia: Well, welcome to the podcast. We’re gonna read some Harry Potter fanfiction, but first, we’re gonna talk about some stuff.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: First thing, our submission deadline…
Kim: For…
Both: [singing] Yes! Glitter!!
Kim: We don’t remember when it was.
Sequoia: We don’t.
Kim: We could check?
Sequoia: I think it was either the beginning of Lent or… I don’t know.
Kim: We could check.
Sequoia: We could check. We are not checking.
Kim: But what we’re doing instead is extending it until the end of May.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’re pretty sure that’s not when it was originally… [laughs]
Kim: So…
Sequoia: But the…
Kim: We want to make sure you all have the time and the ability to continue to write that weird, weird shit while you’re all staying inside.
Sequoia: Stay inside!
Kim: Please.
Sequoia: Write some fanfiction for us.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Or some other stuff.
Kim: I have been putting out calls for stuff, but I…
Sequoia: You have been, but you know what? It’s not…
Kim: I don’t have one prepped today, sorry.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s fine.
Kim: Send us something weird. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, send us something weird! Also, our Story Time livestreams!
Kim: Have been going out to the world.
Sequoia: Yes, so we’ve been livestreaming them, but then they’re also recorded and you can watch them on our YouTube channel.
Kim: Correct!
Sequoia: So if you go to our YouTube channel, you will see… you can still see the chat, even, when you see them,
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So… it’s really nice!
Kim: Yeah, go check those out, they’ve been very nice.
Sequoia: They’ve been really fun.
Kim: Check that out. Stay inside!
Sequoia: Stay inside.
Kim: Come hang out with us! Speaking of coming to hang out with us, I just wanted to shout out, we… these are troubled times. These are uncertain times for a lot of us and we have gotten such a huge response on Patreon.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s a little… it’s very surprising to me. I’m always surprised by this kind of stuff, but…
Sequoia: It’s like an unprecedented surge in Patrons.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we’re really grateful.
Kim: It’s nice to have you all there, and we’re glad to be able to provide you the community that we have built. Well, I don’t know that we’ve built it. That our amazing listeners have built.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: They’re doing some great stuff, so…
Sequoia: I watched A Christmas Prince twice yesterday! [laughs]
Kim: You certainly did.
Sequoia: With our Patrons, so there’s some fun stuff going on over there!
Kim: Yeah, so if you haven’t checked it out, go ahead and do that, but… you know.
Sequoia: Just, thank you!
Kim: Thank you. So much.
Sequoia: Yeah. We gotta get. To. Some. Reviews!
Sequoia: [singing] Oh! We’ve got to get to some reviews. [pause] Shout out to Robert, who asks where the Hagrid fics are.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And, let me tell you, Robert, most of the Hagrid stuff that comes across our submission form is not okay!
Kim: It is nasty.
Sequoia: And I do not…
Kim: it’s nasty
Sequoia: ...want more of it.
Kim: [laughs] It’s nasty. I don’t know what it is about Hagrid that makes people want to write about him doing it with whomever or whatever.
Sequoia: WHATever. [laughs]
Kim: The whatever is the problem. If you find something that’s not nasty, send it to us.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that too.
Kim: Shoutout to AJKiezer, who says they are happy forever now, and we’re right there with ya.
Sequoia: Awwww.
Kim: Awwwww!
Sequoia: Shout out to Laura, who says that the laughing and banter is the best part, which is good because the podcast is at least twenty five percent laughing, if not fifty percent laughing. [both chuckle]
Kim: Shout out to Emsgotrhythm, who says that people they’ve been walking past may have thought they were smiling flirtatiously at them, but that they’re only smiling because of how hilarious we are. And my advice to you is to loudly explain to them that you only look happy because the squid has finally found the love it deserves.
Sequoia: [bursts out laughing] Trick people you walk past 2020. Shout out to…
Kim: Don’t walk past anyone 2020.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh yeah, don’t leave your house to walk past anyone 2020. Shout out to Eva, who says we really know how to pick the best fics, which is wonderful to hear ‘cause that takes several hours. And she also puts us on her favorite podcast list with The Gilmore Guys, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that this podcast would not exist without The Gilmore Guys…
Kim: True.
Sequoia: ...and if you need some quality comedy content while we’re quarantined, I highly recommend it.
Kim: Cool. Shout out to madgirl123, who wrote a fanfiction that I am going to read… [Sequoia laughs] in its entirety right now. They wrote this fanfiction into the iTunes review box.
Sequoia: I love it. Please.
Kim: madgirl123 writes, I pull my hair into a high ponytail and put my denim shorts, Starbucks crop top, and black and white Converse on, ready to leave for school.
Sequoia: [laughing] Incredible!
Kim: “Y/n!” my mom calls up the stairs angrily. [stops reading] I don’t know what that means. I think that’s their name?
Sequoia: Uh huh. Sure, fine.
Kim: “What, mom? I’m busy!” I call back. “Come downstairs!” I go downstairs. What could she want? [Sequoia laughs] I see my suitcase at the bottom of the stairs and panic. Where was I going? I look to my mom, who says, “Y/n, I hate you. I’m selling you.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, yikes!
Kim: I look toward the door to see two strangers wearing Points Moon and Quidditch Muscle t-shirts…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: ...with black fingerless gloves…
Sequoia: We always wear black fingerless gloves.
Kim: ...skinny jeans, and Doc Martens.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: “Who are you?” I ask, intimidated by their coolness. The cool one (you can decide who...)
Sequoia: It’s you. [laughs]
Kim: …smiles a devilish smile. “We’re Sequoia Simone and Kim. We’re here to adopt you.”
Sequoia: Whaaaat?
Kim: This came across our review feed months ago.
Sequoia: Months ago.
Kim: And I’ve been thinking about it all the time since that.
Sequoia: We’ve talked about it a lot. Like a… like a lot. We talked about it a lot.
Kim: [laughs] We are not interested in adopting you.
Sequoia: We are not, but…
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: ...that’s a great fanfiction. [laughs] The twists and the turns!
Kim: [laughing] Thank you for that weird content. That weird, weird content. Guess we need to get some fingerless gloves.
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess we do. Some black fingerless gloves. [Kim laughs] I don’t have Docs, either.
Kim: Nah, man.
Sequoia: Why don’t we have Docs?
Kim: ‘Cause we’re not… we’re not…
Sequoia: No, we have Timberlands [laughs]
Kim: This is the fanfic cool. We’re not that cool.
Sequoia: [laughs] Thank you so much for your reviews, everyone, we really appreciate them. We love reading them.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: So keep those rolling in and we’ll shout you out in some time.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: All right!
Kim: What’s happening today, my dude?
Sequoia: I found [pause] a long thing.
Kim: Interesting.
Sequoia: So, I’m thinking…
Kim: interesting
Sequoia: ...it’s definitely too long for one episode.
Kim: Interesting!
Sequoia: So, I’m thinking…
Kim: Interesting!
Sequoia: [laughs] Fuckin’... goddammit.
Kim: What episode number is this? Episode seventy three.
Sequoia: Yeah! This…
Kim: interesting, Sequoia. You are bringing me… a two parter?
Sequoia: A two parter. It only took me seventy three episodes, but I read something longer than two thousand, five hundred words.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: [laughs] Which I never do, so here we go.
Kim: Was this a listener submission or did you find this on your own?
Sequoia: Nah, I found this.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I’m so impressed!
Sequoia: I know. Thank you. Thank you very much, I appreciate that.
Kim: With your reading skills. [Sequoia laughs] All right.
Sequoia: So as per usual, I guess, we’re gonna… so you have your three predictions as per usual on this first instalment.
Kim: What we’ve been doing is one on the second.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I just wanted to clarify, though, these first three predictions you do, they… they apply to the entire story.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: So we won’t do a predictions recap until the end of the second episode.
Kim: Unless they’re proved blatantly false immediately.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true. Yeah, that’s true, that’s true. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, we do… generally our predictions are proved false in the first sentence.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, yeah, that’s valid.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: I see where you’re coming from on that one, sure. [pause] Okay, great. Well, then let’s do predictions! Listeners, please submit your predictions. You can tweet them at us. You can answer our question on our Instagram story, and if you’re a Patron, please put them on the Discord for those house points. [pause] Okay. This story is called Heirs.
Kim: Heirs?
Sequoia: H-E-I-R-S, as.., as in heirs to… whatever. You know?
Kim: [sighing] Oh no.
Sequoia: It’s called Heirs.
Kim: [quietly] Oh, no.
Sequoia: [laughs] It is [rolls r] romance.
Kim: Mmkay.
Sequoia: Just purely.
Kim: Sure?
Sequoia: Romance. Sure.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And… it’s me! This came out two months before Deathly Hallows. [both laugh]
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Welcome to my world.
Kim: Excellent. I think we’re gonna find out that at least one of the trio is an heir to one of the founders.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Is that enough, would you say?
Sequoia: I’ll take that.
Kim: Okay, at least one.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I have a feeling that… I’m not predicting this, but I bet it’s gonna be, like, Harry’s the heir of Gryffindor, Hermione’s the heir of Ravenclaw, and some other bullshit.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Just nonsense, I don’t know. We’ll see.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: The pairing… fuck. Fuck me, man. I wanna say Harmony, but I know you. I don’t think you would read me a Harmony. I’m gonna stick with it though. It’s Harmony.
Sequoia: Okay! Sure!
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia: Do that!
Kim: [laughs] I’m gonna guess there is a ball that takes place in this story.
Sequoia: Fuck yeaaah! [both laugh] All right! Great.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Those are your three predictions. I accept them.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And then we move forward.
Kim: Yeah? [Sequoia laughs] [quietly] Shit.
Sequoia: We begin with the prologue.
Kim: [laughs] You’ve been on that prologue game recently.
Sequoia: Fuck yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I guess that was only the last… that was in the livestream, wasn’t it?
Sequoia: Yeah… was it in the…? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Wait, did… did Warriors of the Clan have a prologue? It did.
Sequoia: It did. I think it did.
Kim: That’s three prologues in a row, at least!
Sequoia: Here I go! Listen.
Kim: I like it. I like it.
Sequoia: I’m like… I’m feeling like a specific, like, genre lately. You know, like a particular feeling.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: This… I mean, that meant nothing. [laughs loudly]
Kim: Yeah, I was thinking about the last two stories you’ve done have nothing in common.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Okay
Sequoia: I mean, they gave me a feeling, it’s fine.
Kim: [laughs] Okay!
Sequoia: All right, this is the prologue. Three strong willed wizards and three strong willed witches will come together, united as one.
Kim: Is the… is the prologue a prophecy?
Sequoia: It is. [Kim gasps] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yes! Excellent.
Sequoia: It is a prophecy.
Kim: Hmmm, weird.
Sequoia: We’re here to help. [both laugh] ‘Kay. They will come together, united as one, to bring down a dark force and return the world to its natural order.
Kim: So, we’ve got six…
Sequoia: Six.
Kim: ...people have been prophesied on top of the prophecy we already know about.
Sequoia: There is already one.
Kim: There is already one prophesying one person killing the Dark Lord.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Now we’ve got six people…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: ...who also will bring down the Dark… I guess Harry’s prophecy was to kill Voldemort.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whereas these people are prophesied to maybe help him.
Sequoia: To bring down a dark force.
Kim: Mmkay.
Sequoia: So, yeah, they’re just, like, the helpers.
Kim: Sure! [pause] Six is a lot.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: I’m excited to see who it is.
Sequoia: Oh, aren’t you? [laughs]
Kim: Oh no. I hope it’s tertiary characters.
Sequoia: Well, here we go! [both laugh]
Kim: No, wait!
Sequoia: Wait? Okay
Kim: I hope it’s OCs! Just six.
Sequoia: Oooooh.
Kim: Six is a lot of characters for one thirteen year old to write.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: From scratch.
Sequoia: I’m not gonna say…
Kim: Don’t tell me.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I mean, obviously don’t tell me.
Sequoia: No. I mean, you’ll find out relatively quickly.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: We’re gonna, like, get right into it.
Kim: This is my jam. I’m already jazzed, this is great. Okay.
Sequoia: All right, Chapter one.
Kim: I love this kinda, like, YA bullshit.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: YA bullshit is some of my favorite stuff. Just generally.
Sequoia: Just generally. I mean that’s basically all I read.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Here I am.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Look at me,
Kim: Still.
Sequoia: [laughs] We’re old! Okay. Chapter one. Looking Back.
Kim: [laughs] Looking back.
Sequoia: Hermione Granger… What?
Kim: I love chapter titles. [Sequoia laughs] How many chapters… how many chapter titles does this have? Will you tell me?
Sequoia: Five.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And the chapter titles only get better, like…
Kim: Excellent!
Sequoia: This is like a chapter title that makes, like…
Kim: Yeah, this is fine. This is normal.
Sequoia: Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, chapter title.
Kim: I just get excited when there are chapters.
Sequoia: By the end, you’re like, what? [both laugh]
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: ‘Cause this story is something. Okay. Chapter one. Looking Back. Hermione Granger, nineteen, sat staring out the window of twelve Grimmauld Place.
Kim: I… it’s so… I think I’ve talked about this on the podcast before. I have a distinct memory of talking about this, but it’s so interesting to me when fanfic authors age the characters up past Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And still have them fighting. I think that’s an interesting choice to make.
Sequoia: Right, because I… I think it was always kind of assumed… well, it was, you always knew…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...you were gonna get the seven years of Hogwarts.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: That’s all you were gonna get.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So I think this is an interesting choice, if they’re fighting Voldemort still.
Sequoia: [pause] They are… doing something! [laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She was nineteen. She sat staring out the window of twelve Grimmauld Place, tracing the beautiful designs imprinted on her wrist. She was thinking back to her seventh year, when everything had changed.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: FLASHBACK!
Kim: Okay. She’s got beautiful designs inlaid in her wrist?
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm. I mean, technically they’re burned there.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Sort of.
Kim: [forced] This is cool.
Sequoia: [laughs] I love a good [dramatically] when everything changed.
Kim: [dramatically] When everything changed. [both sing bleepy noises and then laugh]
Sequoia: Yes. [clears throat] A flashback! Hermione awoke to a burning on her wrist.
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: She threw on her clothes and walked out of the Heads’ dorm, going towards Professor Dumbledore’s office.
Kim: Head dorm. [Sequoia laughs] Sorry. Always funny. Never not funny.
Sequoia: I know! You can’t stop with the… [bursts out laughing]
Kim: Never not funny! Okay, so, she’s woken up to a burning sensation. Cool.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Are all six of them marked?
Sequoia: [squeals] Maybe…?!
Kim: So cool!
Sequoia: [laughs] She threw on her clothes and walked out of the Heads’ dorm, going towards Professor Dumbledore’s office.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Hermione didn’t know why, but she felt compelled to go to his office.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Hermione mumbled the password, lemon drops, and hurried up the stairs.
Kim: Wait, did she say the Headmaster’s office?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, she hasn’t said Dumbledore, has she?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Oh, she did say Dumbledore?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: When was this written?
Sequoia: After Half Blood Prince. [laughs quietly]
Kim: Shit. The Dumbledore is present inexplicably prediction is always… ugh!
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: It’s always on the table and I never take it.
Sequoia: It is. I know. He’s here, yeah.
Kim: Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Sequoia: [muffled] She said… yeah. She said Professor Dumbledore’s office.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Lemon drops, and hurried up the stairs. After venturing in, she was surprised to see…
Kim: ‘Kay, is this the whole list?
Sequoia: Let’s get the list.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Let’s do it. Harry…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...Ginny…
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: ...Ron…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: ...Draco… [Kim splutters and laughs] What?
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Fucking of fucking course he’s fucking there. Just fucking, fucking Draco. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck.
Sequoia: I’m not even done. I’ve got one more.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: [dramatically] ...Pansy Parkinson! [both laugh]
Kim: Straight fire.
Sequoia: Yeah! Pansy’s here to save the day! [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Pansy… Pansy… Pansy fucking Parkinson!
Sequoia: She is here. [Kim screams quietly] To join the evil fighting…
Kim: [high-pitched] No she’s fucking not!
Sequoia: ...force of… something. Yeah, she’s here! [laughs]
Kim: All right. I sincerely hope this becomes a Pansmione.
Sequoia: Okay! [laughs]
Kim: I like that.
Sequoia: That’s a… okay, fine.
Kim: That’s nothing.
Sequoia: Sure. Yeah, every Pansy ship is nothing, but yes. Mhm. Sure.
Kim: I don’t know… of all the… why…?
Sequoia: ‘Cause it had to be the trio.
Kim: Yeah…
Sequoia: And then clearly Ginny.
Kim: Clearly.
Sequoia: But then they couldn’t have just, like, Neville and Luna. Boring.
Kim: WHY NOT?
Sequoia: Boring! Boring. We’ve done that. We’re bored now. [laughs] You gotta throw Draco in, but then once you throw Draco in…
Kim: I mean, okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: ...he can’t be just the one odd man out. Once you have… you got one more slot. Fill it with another Slytherin.
Kim: Susan Bones! Cho Chang! [pause] We’ve got options!
Sequoia: Pansy! [both laugh] Come on! Okay. [Kim groans] Harry, Ginny, Ron, Draco and Pansy seated around Dumbledore, tea in hand. “Professor, I…” started Hermione but she never got to finish.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, you all did the whatev… sit down. Already had the…
Sequoia: Just sit the fuck down, get your goddamn tea.
Kim: Why is Hermione the last one to arrive? I’m sorry.
Sequoia: She’s… a really heavy sleeper.
Kim: I guess the Head dorm is just really far away from the Headmaster’s office for some reason.
Sequoia: Yeah, and usually super warm, so, like, she wasn’t really tuned into the burning sensation as early as everyone else.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione’s just so hot all the time? [Sequoia laughs] What are you saying?
Sequoia: [high-pitched] I don’t know!
Kim: Which one of the boys is the Head Boy? Unclear?
Sequoia: None.
Kim: Is it Ernie Mac?
Sequoia: No, they don’t tell us who the Head Boy is.
Kim: Ughhh!
Sequoia: Yeah, but I wanna think it’s… it’s Ernie Mac or somebody… somebody… Terry B. Somebody great.
Kim: Somebody great! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “I know perfectly well why you are here. I was merely waiting for you to begin explaining. I suppose you all would like to know why you are here and also why your wrists are burning.” The six nodded.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Dumbledore, clearly…
Kim: Like, what… yeah!
Sequoia: Dumbledore just gives them tea and he’s like, weird that you guys are all up right now, bye! [both laugh]
Kim: Have a good day!
Sequoia: Okay! “Very well,” continued Dumbledore, “I won’t beat around the bush. All six of you…”
Kim: You won’t?
Sequoia: I know, like, wait a second. Woah, woah, woah, woah.
Kim: Who is this old man?
Sequoia: You’re an imposter!
Kim: That’s not Dumbledore!
Sequoia: Dumbledore is dead. [both laugh]
Kim: Fanfiction Dumbledore is pretty exposition friendly.
Sequoia: Oh, he IS exposition.
Kim: Pretty free with the exposition, generally, yeah.
Sequoia: He lives and breathes exposition.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: “I won’t beat around the bush. All six of you are connected to a very important prophecy. A prophecy that will bring down Voldemort.”
Kim: Harry’s like, prophecies?! I’ve had fucking enough of these fucking prophecies!
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry’s like, are we allowed to be in two prophecies? [Kim laughs] Does one prophecy negate the other prophecy?
Kim: Can I be excused from this prophecy? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Harry’s like, I’ve been in a prophecy before, so I know how this works, but if you wanna tell these guys. [both laugh] These prophecy noobs. “By now all of the burning should have worn off.”
Kim: [laughing] The burning!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You may feel a burning sensation lasting no more than… [Sequoia bursts out laughing] Side effects of prophecies…
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no! Okay, great, yeah. “Only to be replaced by a marking. That marking indicates which of the four founders you are an heir to.”
Kim: [shouting] YEEEEEEEES!
Sequoia: [shouting] That’s a point! That’s a point! Yes! Point! Point! Point! Point!
Kim: Pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: Point! Point! Point! Point!
Kim: [laughs] Okay, no wait, no wait, no wait, no wait, no wait… this… there is a lot to unpack here. [Sequoia laughs] Like, I’m hyped that I got a point, but… [coughs]
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So there are four founders,
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And there are six of them.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Some of them are related.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: [very quietly] Excellent.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: I mean, I guess we know Ron and Ginny are related.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Are they heirs to different founders?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Just read the fucking list! [Sequoia laughs loudly] What the fuck?
Sequoia: “That marking indicates which of the four founders you are an heir to.” Glancing down, they saw a symbol on the inside of their wrists. Ginny and Ron have a badger. Hufflepuff (loyalty).
Kim: No they don’t. Fine. Say that.
Sequoia: Draco and Pansy have a Serpent. Slytherin (sly and cunning).
Kim: Yeah, okay, okay. This is… [sighs] I feel so accomplished right now. [both laugh] I did it! I did it.
Sequoia: You did do it. You did it.
Kim: I feel very good.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, but also, Ron and Ginny…
Sequoia: They’re… they’re Hufflepuff’s heir or whatever.
Kim: If you’re gonna do descendants of the founders…
Sequoia: Okay, yeah.
Kim: Right, so you’ve decided to do this thing. Where is Susan BONES? My girl!
Sequoia: Where’s my girl Susan? Yeah.
Kim: [shrill] Where’s Zach Smith? Zach Smith!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He’s actually related.
Sequoia: He is actually related.
Kim: Yeah, like, that was in Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Like, what are you doing?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This person didn’t read Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Cool!
Kim: Where’s my boy?
Sequoia: Where’s Zach? [pause] Harry has a lion – Gryffindor (courage). Hermione has a raven…
Kim: Boring.
Sequoia: Ravenclaw (knowledge).
Kim: These are weird choices for this. This is not what people usually do.
Sequoia: No, ‘cause you would usually choose, like, a descendant of some kind, but this seems random.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s just like, here are the six people I wanted to be doing this thing.
Kim: Also, Draco and Pansy, it’s really weird you are making out all the time because you’re cousins. [Sequoia laughs] Like, what are you doing?
Sequoia: The wizarding world… they’re doing… they’re doing whatever.
Kim: Yeah, that’s true.
Sequoia: They’re doing, like, a… old timey whatever. It’s like a Jane Austen novel. [laughs]
Kim: Do they marry their cousins a lot in that?
Sequoia: Oh, they marry their cousins all the time, my dude!
Kim: Oh yeah, that’s like the thing, isn’t it?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What’s his face is… okay, never mind.
Sequoia: Mr Collins?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Come on! [laughs]
Kim: I forgot he was her cousin! ‘Cause he suuucks.
Sequoia: He does suck. Matt Smith for number one Mr Collins. Okay. It was then that Hermione’s head snapped up. She questioned Dumbledore. “Why is it that I have a small blue star next to mine and no one else does?” [Kim splutters] It’s gonna get fucking better, I don’t know why…
Kim: Hermione’s been singled out for some batshit part of this. Please give it to meee!
Sequoia: [laughs] “Ah, Ms. Granger, I knew you would notice that.”
Kim: You get the blue star ‘cause you’re the best!
Sequoia: [laughs] [nasal voice] I gave you a blue star for being so good!
Kim: [laughs] [nasal voice] Thank you, I’m Hermione. [Sequoia laughs] Thank you for noticing who I am.
Sequoia: A thousand points to Gryffindor. [both laugh] “You have been honored. Not only have you been chosen to be the Ravenclaw heir…”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “...but also Merlin’s heir!”
Kim: [squeals] Gotta get him in there somewhere!
Sequoia: Eyyy, there he is, my boy Merlin! [laughs]
Kim: Harry usually is the one that gets to be Merlin’s heir.
Sequoia: Yeah, he is.
Kim: It’s nice that… that Hermione gets a turn for once in a while.
Sequoia: I know. I like it.
Kim: Never Ron. Never.
Sequoia: No. Clearly.
Kim: Obviously.
Sequoia: Why? [both laugh] “For you are the strongest and most powerful.”
Kim: Okay, wait, no, stop.
Sequoia: What? Sorry, I don’t… I don’t see what was wrong with that.
Kim: Are they actually blood relations, or are they being magically chosen?
Sequoia: No, they’re ch… t says chosen. Chosen to be the Ravenclaw heir.
Kim: Interesting. So… [quietly, fading away all the way through] why would Ravenclaw not choose someone who’s in Ravenclaw?
Sequoia: Because Hermione is the strongest and the most powerful. [Kim snorts quietly] These six are the strongest and the most powerful six students in the whole school.
Kim: [whispering] So good.
Sequoia: So clearly…
Kim: [quietly] Pansy.
Sequoia: And I mean…
Kim: Ron?
Sequoia: She might’ve gotten… yeah, I mean, maybe they drew straws.
Kim: [chuckles] Like, okay, I gotta pick someone from this fucking school. [Sequoia laughs] These are all shitheads.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Cedric’s dead.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: [laughing] The only good Hufflepuff. [Sequoia laughs] Luna’s too fucking weird, I don’t want that!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And you guys already got all the boys.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: So I guess I’m picking Hermione?
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t know. I think… wouldn’t Hermione go first? You gotta pick Harry or Hermione or Draco…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …first. He said, “For you are the strongest and most powerful.” “Wh… what?” she stammered.
Both: [high-pitched voice] Who? Meee?
Sequoia: “Surely Harry is the str…” “No, Miss Granger, I’m positive that it is you,” the Headmaster interrupted. “All of you will be able to communicate telepathically and use wandless magic.”
Kim: With each other?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: God, I don’t wanna be able to to… Dra… having Draco in your head is like living hell.
Seqouia: [laughs] [drawling voice] They can all be Draco.
Kim: [laughs] Draco’s like, [dramatic, drawling voice] Potter? I’m thirsty.
Sequoia: Just, like, in Harry’s head, all the time?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah! It’s just like that. They have… they’re all able to communicate telepathically with each other…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...and to use wandless magic. Just, like, now.
Kim: Suddenly.
Sequoia: Suddenly. They just like…
Kim: They weren’t able to do it before.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: But now?
Sequoia: They were bad at it,
Kim: Ka-pew!
Sequoia: And now they’re just like… yeah, exactly. Fine.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: “Now, I assume you’re all tired and stressed out at the moment.”
Kim: They just… they just woke up, so they’re probably not tired.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: I guess…
Sequoia: ...it’s a lot of information.
Kim: ...whatever magical whatever… made them sleepy.
Sequoia: Yeah. They are… they’re becoming extremely magically powerful all of a sudden. So that doesn’t…
Kim: They’re going through magical puberty. Two.
Sequoia: [laughing] Sec… yeah! Second magical puberty. Amazing. “Oh, before you go, I have one more thing.” He paused and Draco was getting very irritated. “Oh, just spit it out Grandpa.” [Kim splutters] The words had tumbled out of Hermione’s mouth…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …before she could stop them.
Kim: No, wait, what? What?
Sequoia: Hold for the text. [pause] They all looked at her in shock and amusement. “Well, I was going to say that you, Miss Granger, can also read minds and feelings. I assume you were channelling someone else’s thoughts, hmm?” [Kim laughs] Yes? Do you have something to… do you need to…?
Kim: We’ve done so many Harry gets powerful stories.
Sequoia: So Hermione is OP in this shit, for sure.
Kim: She’s… what is this doing in the straight romance category? This is adventure.
Sequoia: [pauses] Please wait.
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia: We are not even past chapter one. There are five chapters, my dude!
Kim: This is gonna be a ten part epic. [Sequoia laughs] Sorry, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh no, we can’t stop! “I assume you were channelling someone else’s thoughts, hmm?” Hermione nodded her head vigorously. Then she glared at Draco…
Kim: God!
Sequoia: …just knowing the thought had come from him. [pause] The following years were filled with hard and intense training sessions.
Kim: Oh! Okay.
Sequoia: All had to become considerably strong in order to defeat Voldemort. They had to be prepared. Flashback end! [both laugh] Oh my god!
Kim: Okay, I am so proud of this author for using a flashback to get through the difficult part.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like, writing those years of training is sooo boring.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: I have not… I’ve rarely found any author that gets through them.
Sequoia: No, they get into, like, the next chapter of training, and then it’s over.
Kim: They do one training chapter and they give up. In the…
Sequoia: Yeah, mhm.
Kim: I guess that might just be the length we’re looking at, but…
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s… yeah, I mean we do have a certain…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...word specific experience happening.
Kim: But they spent the years training, the end, bye. [Sequoia laughs] Let’s continue on to this cool idea I have!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: [exhales loudly] Okay. Now we are going to chapter two.
Kim: I mean, like, is this good… is this a good writing strategy? Maybe not. But is this a good get to this weird idea you have strategy so that I can read it? Yes!
Sequoia: I want you to understand something that just really…
Kim: i hope…
Sequoia: ...struck me about this fanfiction. [laughs]
Kim: What? [long pause, Sequoia sighs]
Sequoia: I can’t. I mean… I mean... I mean, we gotta wait for the text.
Kim: Okay. yeah.
Sequoia: This is… they’ve done… something. Starting now. Chapter two. Malfoy? [pause] Is what the chapter title is called.
Kim: Is there, like, some kind of punctuation?
Sequoia: There’s a question mark.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Malfoy?
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: With a question mark.
Kim: Are they gonna, like, assimilate into one mega being? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Like, Hermione absorbs Malfoy, like, Malfoy, what are you doing? Okay, sorry. [both laugh] I’m all over the place today and I’m very sorry. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: This is gonna be ten parts long. We’re on chapter two! [pause] Over the year, Hermione had become quite close with Pansy. [Kim snorts] Those two plus Ginny did everything together.
Kim: [quietly] No they fucking didn’t. No they fucking didn’t. No they fucking didn’t.
Sequoia: Shopping, eating and just hanging out.
Kim: No they fucking didn’t.
Sequoia: They’re a girl trio group.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: They’re best friends.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: They shop together. They eat together. They hang out together.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The three resided in Grimmauld Place now that the war was upon them. Harry and Ron were also living there. [Kim sighs] Since the six were a necessity to the light side…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [whispers] I love it when they call it the light side.
Kim: Fine, yeah, that’s nothing. It’s nothing.
Sequoia: I love it, I love it, I love it.
Kim: Is Dra… does Draco not live with them?
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Everyone but Draco lives together?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: [laughs] Fuck Draco, man.
Sequoia: Draco was the only one not living in the headquarters.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Okay, but here’s the thing. Here… here’s the… hold for the text.
Kim: [low pitched] Does he have a super secret mission?
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy was one of the spies for the Order of the Phoenix.
Kim: Yeah! Of course he is.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s got those mad connects.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Those, like, beautiful connects.
Kim: Pansy should too. To a lesser extent, I think, but…
Sequoia: Yeah. She’s just, like, present, but she couldn’t, like, get herself into, like, the big boy meetings or whatever, you know?
Kim: Mm. [quietly] I think she probably could have. She just didn’t really want to, ‘cause she was too busy shopping and eating and hanging out. [laughs]
Sequoia: They were shopping! They are women, they were shopping and eating and hanging out. [Kim snickers] And Draco was on a super secret mission.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It was terrible and tiring.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: But someone had to do it. He was a member of the Dark Lord’s inner circle and therefore acquired valuable information.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Hermione…
Kim: But no one’s like, what’s up with that weird snake thing on your arm?
Sequoia: On your wrist? And he’s like…
Kim: He’s like, oh, it’s just… it’s a birthmark.
Sequoia: It’s a new thing. It’s a new trend.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: [pause] Hermione was currently attending a local community college. [Kim laughs very loudly] What?
Kim: [holding in her laughter] Is it a wizard community college?
Sequoia: No, it’s just, like, a fucking regular community college. [both laugh] Draco is on, like, a top secret mission.
Kim: Draco is on a top secret mission! Hermione is Merlin’s heir!
Sequoia: Merlin’s heir. She’s the strongest and the best. And Draco’s on a mission, and she’s like, [high-pitched] I’m shopping and eating, and I’m going to community college.
Kim: [shrilly] Gonna get my associate’s degree!
Sequoia: In… kicking ass!
Kim: [high-pitched] Hermione, why do you need an associate’s degree?
Sequoia: She’s bored! [both laugh] Tired of sitting around, she decided to do something.
Kim: [holding back a laugh] That’s nothing!
Sequoia: Going… being tired of sitting around? Aren’t you…? I feel like they, like, trained really intensely for a minute,
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then they ran out of stuff to do?
Kim: There’s a war going on. [laughs] Hermione’s gonna get her…
Sequoia: And then Hermione’s like, well, I guess if I don’t have any more training to do…
Kim: I gotta work out my plan B for if wizards stop being a thing. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Okay?
Kim: She’s gonna become a dentist. [Sequoia laughs] Just getting her generals out of the way.
Sequoia: Yeah, so she can go to dentistry school with her faked high school transcripts
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: and SAT scores.
Kim: [quietly] Yeah.
Sequoia: Magic…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Today was her first day of classes and Hermione was a nervous wreck, an excited nervous wreck.
Kim: [laughing] Why?
Sequoia: She jumped for joy at the prospect of attaining more knowledge. It’s ‘cause she’s Ravenclaw’s heir or something, I don’t know. [Kim laughs] She’s so nervous to go to community college! She hasn’t been to a Muggle school since she was, like, a tiny person.
Kim: Okay, yeah, that would be a little nerve wracking.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like how do Muggles…
Sequoia: They… do fucking like social studies.
Kim: How do Muggles be?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, she hasn’t, you know, written with, like, a pen…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Just, like, a regular pen, in a long time. There’s a lot going on there.
Kim: You could write with a quill in your classes. People would just think you were really fucking weird.
Sequoia: Really pretentious. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No one would talk to you. Pulling up in her little black car, Hermione gazed at the campus.
Kim: Is it a Mini? Do you remember that time Hermione…
Sequoia: Had a Mini? I do!
Kim: Ran Ron over. [both laugh] She’s not… she’s not in a running Ron over mood today.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Maybe this is a more normal car.
Sequoia: No. She’s not a bounty hunter, she’s just the heir to Ravenclaw and Merlin.
Kim: Going to community college!
Sequoia: She’s going to community college. For fun!
Kim: Sequoia, this is…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: This is… nothing, and I love it.
Sequoia: [laughs] This story’s incredible, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Kim: I love it!
Sequoia: [laughs] She hopped out and hurried to her first class. In her rush, she rammed into an unsuspecting person.
Kim: [gradually getting louder] Yes, yes, yes!
Sequoia: “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she gasped.
Kim: Did they drop their books and then their hands touched when they go to grab them? Sequoia!
Sequoia: [laughs] What is with you today? Can you not hold for the text?
Kim: Clearly not. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she gasped. “I’m going to be late.” Grabbing her books, Hermione speedily ran to her classroom without even looking at her victim.
Kim: Dun dun dun!
Sequoia: Who is it?
Kim: Who the fuck cares?
Sequoia: Who is it?
Kim: It’s Terry Boot.
Sequoia: Fine. [laughs]
Kim: It’s Voldemort.
Sequoia: Then we get a POV switch.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Slam! A petite figure had just crashed into him. Draco Malfoy… [both burst out laughing] His super secret, top secret, Death Eater mission is to go to the local community college and do something there. [Kim laughs] He’s there. [both fake sob]
Kim: Why didn’t Hermione recognize him?
Sequoia: She didn’t look at him! She didn’t look at him.
Kim: She’s been training with him intensely for the last…
Sequoia: And can communicate telepathically with him and can read his thoughts! [Kim continues fake sobbing] And feelings. [laughs] Anyway.
Kim: No, it’s fucking not.
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco Malfoy looked down to see the familiar face of a girl who was mumbling apologies under her breath. She scurried away, leaving behind her purse. Draco followed her with his eyes.
Kim: Draco rummaged through her purse.
Sequoia: Room 150A. He was planning to return Hermione’s purse.
Kim: Should fucking hope so!
Sequoia: Since it is a Muggle school, she’d never expect to see him, Draco Malfoy, pureblood extraordinaire, here.
Kim: She can read! Your! Mind!
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: So, wait. I’ve already forgotten. Can she read everyone’s mind, or just the other five people’s mind?
Sequoia: No, she can Dra… she can read anyone’s mind.
Kim: [whispering] Great.
Sequoia: The six of them can communicate telepathically with each other by choice.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She can read anyone’s mind or feelings. [Kim laughs] Feelings also. Remember that.
Kim: She’s a betazoid.
Sequoia: What is that?
Kim: It’s Star Trek. It’s Star Trek.
Sequoia: What? Jesus Christ, my dude.
Sequoia: Oh yes, he was going to love her reaction to the sight of him.
Kim: Her reaction was to not recognize him.
Sequoia: [laughs] She didn’t look at him! And with that thought, he strutted down the hallway. Draco knocked on the door to 150A. The professor opened it up and let him in. [dramatic, drawling voice] “Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have something for Miss Granger,” Draco whispered, pointing out Hermione.
Kim: He didn’t whisper.
Sequoia: He didn’t!
Both: He never whispers.
Sequoia: One. [pause] “Well, all right. Get on with it,” said the irritated professor. “Thank you sir,” replied Draco.
Kim: I gotta know what class this is. Oh my god, Hermione, what are you doing?
Sequoia: She’s bored because she’s done with all of her super secret heir ass kicking… telepathic training! [laughs] So she’s gotta go to this class taught by this guy, who Draco think sounds like Snape. [Kim snickers] “Hmm, he sounds just like Snape,” thought Draco.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Walking up to Hermione’s desk, inwardly grinning. She was going to be SO stunned.
Kim: She still hasn’t noticed?
Sequoia: NO. [enunciated] She still has not noticed him.
Kim: [groans] Hermione is actually just blind.
Sequoia: She’s out of her element right now.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She’s back in the Muggle world, she’s at community college, she doesn’t know how anything works, she’s staring at her pen trying to figure out…
Kim: [high pitched voice] Who is this? How do I…
Sequoia: What end is the writing por… portion? [both laugh] When he finally reached her desk, Draco laid a hand on her shoulder saying, “Really Granger, you should keep track of your stuff.” Hermione was about to turn around when she froze. The male voice behind her had called her Granger. Turning around, her jaw dropped.
Kim: She can’t fucking recognize Draco’s fucking voice? Like, he has one of the most distinctive voices that we do that we do really loudly.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: The way do it.
Sequoia: She just, you know…
Kim: And she can read his mind!
Sequoia: He should’ve done it telepathically, for funzies.
Kim: Oh yeah, then she would’ve really shit…
Sequoia: Then she would’ve been like, wahhhh! [both laugh] Come on, Draco, come on. [pause] Turning around, her jaw dropped. No! NO, NO! It can’t be… “MALFOY?!” she shouted in a whisper. Wait. [loud whisper] “MALFOY?!” she shouted in a whisper. Sorry, I messed it up. I had to do it again. I messed it up.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: As not to disturb the rest of the class.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: All Hermione got in return was the famous Malfoy smirk. She grabbed her stuff and Draco, and swiftly left the room, claiming it was an emergency.
Kim: [shrill voice] I’m having a shit emergency! [Sequoia laughs] I gotta go poop!That’s what I always yelled every time I left any class that I had in college.
Sequoia: What, do you wanna do it again?
Kim: [shrill voice] I gotta shit! [Sequoia laughs] Sorry, professor, I never went into class, I gotta go shit!
Sequoia: Okay, good, yeah, that’s exactly what she said.
Kim: That’s… that’s exactly what they like for you to do when you’re in college.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So if you’re… you know, we have some younger listeners here.
Sequoia: It implies a level of sophistication.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: And intelligence.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. When you get to college, make sure when you’re leaving the classroom…
Sequoia: [quietly] Do it again.
Kim: [shrilly] I gotta go shit! [Sequoia laughs] I’m sorry, everyone! Get back to the lecture. Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna go sh… [laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! What’s wrong with you? [laughs] Guys, quarantine is doing something to us.
Kim: [weakly] I’m not well. [Sequoia laughs] I’m so lonely. You are the first person I’ve seen in days.
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah. Well, I guess I’ll keep reading fanfiction. Harry was… no. Harry was not there. [both laugh]
Kim: Harry was dead.
Sequoia: Harry was dead! Hermione was furious with him. Draco even managed to ruin her learning experience at a MUGGLE COLLEGE! Boy, was he in for it.
Kim: See, you know, I think I would be mad at Draco since, as the Merlin leader of this weird little troop, I would think that I would know whatever he was up to at any point in time.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: She should… she should know.
Sequoia: She’s clearly not the mastermind here though. It’s probably Dumbledore… still.
Kim: Oh, yeah, fine.
Sequoia: She’s just the strongest, and the bravest, and the goodest, and the smartest, and the nicest.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: But she doesn’t actually get to be in charge of anything.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: She gets to go shopping and go to community college.
Kim: That’s really weird.
Sequoia: It’s fine! [laughs] Okay, so, she’s really mad at Draco and now we’re gonna go to chapter three.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Chapter three!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: An Encounter and Shopping.
Kim: Whaaaaat?
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing.
Kim: Is there a war going on…
Sequoia: Here’s the thing.
Kim: ...or no?
Sequoia: This is kind of what I was trying to explain to you. We get this whole… this first chapter that’s like, you are heirs of blah blah blah. There’s a prophecy, you have all these magical powers, you are going to defeat the blah, and then they’re like, [sing-song voice] meh, we’re shopping, going to college.
Kim: We’re gonna go to college.
Sequoia: [singing] Going shopping, doing some romance. [both laugh] I don’t know, it just is like… [groans]
Kim: This is… weird.
Sequoia: I love it. Anyway. Chapter three. An Encounter and Shopping.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Once they were out of anyone’s range of hearing, Hermione blew up. “What are you doing here? Why can’t I have a little peace? One day away from anything magic? Is that so hard to ask? IS IT?”
Kim: I mean, there’s a fucking war going on!
Sequoia: Yeah! Aren’t you supposed to be fighting in the…
Kim: Is there? Is there not a war going on?
Sequoia: No, there is.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: No, there’s a war going on. They haven’t defeated the bad guy yet.
Kim: I can see, like, one day off from the horrors of war, but you have enrolled in community college.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, you’ve hypothetically enrolled in an entire semester of community college that you expect to be able to attend.
Kim: What are you doing?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Hermione!
Sequoia: [laughs] When Hermione finished, she was breathing heavily. Draco looked at Hermione, shocked. He had no idea that she had felt that way. Glancing down at her glaring face, his expression changed to one of hurt. His intention had not been to make her angry. Draco actually wanted to make things better between them.
Kim: It’s weird that things haven’t improved. I guess… I mean, he’s a piece of shit, fine.
Sequoia: Right, yeah. But, like, a year or two of training.
Kim: Yeah. Intense training.
Sequoia: intense training.
Kim: With just him and your other friends.
Sequoia: And you can hear…
Both: …his thoughts.
Sequoia: And you guys can speak to each other in each other’s brains.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So you would think that… but nope.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Whatever. [laughs]
Kim: Fine
Sequoia: He wants to make it better.
Kim: She’s not using her mind reading very well, I feel like.
Sequoia: No. She could… I mean, here’s the thing.
Kim: I mean, it is fucking rude.
Sequoia: To read someone’s mind?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe she’s just being, like, cool about it, and not just reading people’s minds without asking?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which I guess is good.
Kim: Yeah, that is preferable.
Sequoia: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to anger you,” he said quietly. “I just wanted to… never mind.”
Kim: Just wanted some cool hangs with my buds! [Sequoia laughs] I’ve been fighting in this war, and it’s real bad.
Sequoia: I’ve been fighting in this war on the Muggle community college. [laughs]
Kim: I’m a super scary doub… secret agent in this horrible war, and I just thought I could come see my friends.
Sequioa: [whiny voice] Just coming to see you. “I’ll leave you to your business,” Draco said.
Kim: [dramatic, drawling voice] I’ll just go if you…
Both: [dramatic, drawling voice] …don’t want me here. Byyyye.
Sequoia: Draco then started walking away. By now, Hermione was feeling guilty. She hadn’t meant to hurt him. She was just sick of all the war stuff and constantly being “hunted” for. There’s literal quotation marks there. [Kim squeals] Why is there quotation marks? She’s being hunted. There doesn’t need to be quotation marks.
Kim: There is a war.
Sequoia: There’s a war, and she’s being hunted.
Kim: And she’s the most powerful whatever whatever.
Sequoia: [whiny voice] And she’s so sick of all this war stuff.
Kim: [whiny voice] Oh my god, this war stuff, arrrgh.
Sequoia: [whiny voice] Oh my god. [both groan and sigh, then laugh]
Kim: [whiny voice] She just wants to go back to normal.
Sequoia: [whiny voice] I just wanna go to college and hang out with my friends. [pause] Hermione wished that she was still a child, so innocent, and without the ongoing war. “Wait, Draco,” Hermione called to him as she caught up. She grabbed his arm and was about to speak when she felt an evil presence behind her. Her hand tightened on Draco’s arm when, over his shoulder, she saw a man with a dark mark on his forearm. It’s just hanging out there. [both laugh loudly] He’s just walking around, sleeves rolled up.
Kim: He’s… he’s wearing a muscle tank. [both laugh] Really gotta show off the gunnns!
Sequoia: Yeah, gotta show off the guns wearing a muscle tank. It says the Dark Lord is my…
Kim: It says cut to the core.
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh] I was thinking, like, the Dark Lord is my homie, but cut to the core is pretty… yeah.
Kim: That’s good too! Either of those is good. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco, now noticing how tight her hand was, turned to see a look of terror across her face. He too saw the Death Eater in the corner of the hallway. And so now they’re going to… to… to communicate telepathically.
Kim: Okay. How are they indicating that it’s telepathic communication?
Sequoia: It’s in parentheses…
Kim: Weird choice.
Sequoia: …when they’re telepathically speaking.
Kim: Weird choice. In… fine.
Sequoia: That’s what the A/N says! [laughs]
Kim: Fine! Why would you not use italics? Fine.
Sequoia: Right. I mean… [mumbles]
Kim: [pause] Fine.
Sequoia: [quietly] The italics are for other stuff.
Kim: OKAY! What?
Sequoia: [sighs] (Draco, stop turning or he’ll see you. Come on, turn back right now.) (What?) (Just do it.)
Kim: Don’t look at him. We don’t want him to look at us. Can’t let him see us. We’re looking at him.
Sequoia: He’s looking at us, we’re looking at him, and they… no, he does… she doesn’t want him to see Draco, ‘cause hypothetically… yeah.
Kim: Oh, right. Okay, fine, that makes sense. Whatever.
Sequoia: She’s being hunted. [pause] (What?) (Just do it. Oh, and cast an illusion charm on yourself. We can’t have him seeing his buddy and fellow Death Eater, Draco Malfoy, with me, now can we?) (Fine.)
Kim: You do it, Hermione, jeez!
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: You can use magic!
Sequoia: Well, maybe she doesn’t have her wand readily available…
Kim: They can use wandless magic!
Sequoia: They can use wandless magic! [flatly] Oh, they can use wandless magic, I’d already forgotten.
Kim: Do any spell! Yep.
Sequoia: It was in the laundry list of powers I’d forgotten about. (Fine.) They quickly waved their wands in front of their face… oh, they do have their wands!
Kim: Why are they using wands?
Sequoia: They don’t need those. [laughs]
Kim: They don’t need those. Fine.
Sequoia: …and muttered the spell. After that was finished, Hermione led Draco past the Deatheater. She wanted…
Kim: And they were like, afternoon, fellow community college student! [both laugh] That’s how you have to greet everyone in the hallways, by the way, at college. These are my college tips.
Sequoia: Hello, fellow student! That?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: Got ‘em! You gotta…
Sequoia: Is that… that’s how…
Kim: There’s finger guns too, you know?
Sequoia: That’s how we became friends. That’s how we met each other. Like, hey…
Kim: Fellow college student!
Sequoia: ...fellow college dudes, what’s up?
Kim: How are… hallway!
Sequoia: [laughs] Hallway?! No, I think they both… they quickly wave their wands in front of their faces, so they’re both invisible.
Kim: I thought they were disguising… never mind. It does not matter. [laughs]
Sequoia: Whatever. They’re walking past this guy. Okay, yeah, they disguise themselves ‘cause she’s about to make sure that he knows… that this guy knows… something. She wanted to make sure he knew that she wasn’t Hermione. Well, she wasn’t Hermione at the moment. Hermione hastened to read his mind.
Kim: She was like, that Hermione Granger chick really sucks! Oh, she’s reading his mind. Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Hey, you ever heard of…
Kim: Hermione? She really sucks! I hear she… can’t draw. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Italics is when she’s reading people’s minds. Now I just have to confirm that it is Granger. Then, if it is her, I’ll go in for the kill. HHHAAAA Ha ah aha ha HA! Is what he’s saying in his mind.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] With the hahs included. Hermione gulped. She didn’t think he’d try to kill her that fast. Oh well, she was safe for now. Heading past the Death Eater, she saw he realized she wasn’t who he thought. He didn’t wait to disapparate.
Kim: Umm…
Sequoia: Sighing, Hermione and Draco changed back their faces. What? [pause] So she was like… oh no, they changed their faces, and then they went over and they were by the Death Eater, and then he… she had to read his mind, and he was like, is that Granger? If it is, I’m gonna kill her. And then he was like…
Kim: She looked like Hermione Granger over there, when she was standing over there on the other side of the hallway, but she’s gotten closer and now she doesn’t look so much like Hermione Granger, so I guess we must have had her class schedule wrong.
Sequoia: And I’m gonna leave now.
Kim: I’m gonna go back and check at the registrar’s office.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, I was looking for the schedule of Hermione GRANGER, is what he’s gonna say to the registrar.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then the registrar’s gonna kick him out. [laughs] Like, bye.
Kim: Then he’s gonna kill the guy. He is a Death Eater.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Sighing, Hermione and Draco changed back their faces. They were both glad he was gone.
Kim: Why do they change… just stay disguised! What are you doing? There is a war happening!
Sequoia: But the guy’s gone! [Kim laughs] This one guy’s gone this one time, now. So they can look normal again. And… no? If it wasn’t for Hermione’s speedy thinking, they would have been in trouble. “Well, Granger, I guess I’ll leave you alone now.” “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I’ve been so stressed lately,” replied Hermione.
Kim: You know, the war and alllll.
Sequoia: Just, like, the worst stuff.
Kim: The warrrrrr!
Sequoia: And the being, like, hunted, or whatever.
Kim: Been so hectic! And I’m starting community college.
Sequoia: I’m starting college, and I’m so nervous.
Kim: Really stressed.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I was just about to meet up with some friends. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you came along.”
Kim: No you weren’t!
Sequoia: No, you… you gotta go to class.
Kim: You were about to go to class! This has been like… this was like one minute. You’ve been gone for like one minute. Go to class.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, she’s gonna meet up with some friends now. She started pulling him away and disapparated before he could protest.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And that’s where we’re gonna stop!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: For today.
Kim: Okay. Because I wouldn’t shut up?
Sequoia: [pause] Wow, wow, wow! [laughs] It took us a long time to get through that first chapter.
Kim: Look, there’s a lot happening!
Sequoia: There was a lot… there’s a lot to unpack
Kim: I was really excited!
Sequoia: I know. [laughs]
Kim: What is this?
Sequoia: It’s just gonna get more weird and different later in the… [laughs]
Kim: This is not… this has gone in so…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: ...little the direction I thought it was going to go in. You would have found something beautiful.
Sequoia: [laughs] What are you talking about?
Kim: I got… like, I got… I was spot on with my who is the heirs and what they’re the heirs of.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But would I have ever guessed…
Sequoia: …the rest of it?
Kim: …that they would all go to community college?
Both: No!
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Is this…
Sequoia: There’s more to come. Okay? [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m really excited to read the next half of this to you.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: For now, your predictions… you got a point…
Kim: I did.
Sequoia: …which is great.
Kim: I did get a point. I think this is seeming unlikely to be Harmony at this point. To me.
Sequoia: You do? Okay.
Kim: I think this doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be Harmony.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I think it’s going in kind of a Dramione direction, because they did run into each other in a hallway.
Sequoia: They did, yeah, that’s kind of it.
Kim: And that means that they have to get married.
Sequoia: It does. [laughs]
Kim: If you ever run into a… that is… this is another college tip. [Sequoia laughs] Do not run into anyone ever in any hallway while you’re in college, or ever.
Sequoia: I really didn’t expect this episode to devolve into your college tips, but I’m really glad it did. I’m really glad that we got here. [Kim laughing] Wherever here is. You know what? Whatever, fuck it, it’s time for…
Both: …A QUICK FICSSS!
Sequoia: Whatcha got?
Kim: So, today in quick fics, I have some Cedric Diggory content for you.
Sequoia: Okay! Great. Good? Question mark?
Kim: So in this story, Cedric is obsessively in love with Hermione.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Weird. Cool. Weird.
Kim: Yep. He’s got, like, this obsessive love for her, and then, the… she… turns out she likes him back.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The night before the third task, they do it.
Sequoia: Okay?
Kim: And [snickers] in doing so…
Sequoia: [quietly] No!
Kim: ...Hermione’s love saves him from the killing curse.
Sequoia: No! No! No! No!
Kim: Her love outweighs the killing curse that’s sent at him, and he [through a laughing] falls into a coma for three weeks. [Sequoia laughs] Instead of dying.
Sequoia: Instead of dying?! Okay.
Kim: And then they get married.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: The end of this story is… you’re invited to witness the marriage of Cedric Diggory and Hermione Granger, June 26th 1998, Hogwarts at sunset, performed by Albus Dumbledore.
Sequoia: [whispers] Wow. [Kim cackles] Whaaaaat?
Kim: Some wild shit.
Sequoia: That’s wild! [pause] [nasal voice] What? Incredible. Stupid. [laughs]
Kim: What was… what is that? Is that anything?
Sequoia: No, that’s nothing.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Some weird stuff, I like it. [pause] Anyway! That’s my quick fic.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right. Well then, let’s… let’s enter the…
Both: ...REC ZONE! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Okay, I’ve got a rec today.
Kim: What is it?
Sequoia: It’s called Colorless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously.
Kim: You wanna… run that by me one more time?
Sequoia: Colorless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously.
Kim: Is that a haiku?
Sequoia: I don’t know. [laughs] [very long pause] Cool. [both laugh] Thank you for sounding that out for me. This is a fanfiction in which Luna Lovegood discovers that the card catalogue in the Hogwarts library is alive.
Kim: [inhales] I love it!
Sequoia: It’s so good.
Kim: Oh, that’s a great premise!
Sequoia: And it goes a lot of places. It’s… it’s fun. It’s super fun.
Kim: Oh, that sounds really good!
Sequoia: But yeah! It’s very good. I will put that link in the description. It will also be on the complete list of recommendations on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Yes, that is our website. Also on our website, you can find our story submission form. Send us some Hagrid stuff that’s not disgusting!
Kim: Send us some disgusting stuff. [Sequoia laughs] I’ve read… man, y’all are nasty!
Sequoia: Y’all are nasty! [both laugh]
Kim: Also on our website, you can find links to our merchandise selling locations. We have two of them, and there is merch there.
Sequoia: Great. You can find us on social media: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, @FanaticalFics. Follow us on Twitter and have those notifications sent to your phone and we will update you on our Story Time livestreams.
Kim: Correct. If you have any longer thoughts, including just wanting to send us the word Colin over and over and over and over again…
Sequoia: Mm!
Kim: You can send that to our email.
Sequoia: Sure!
Kim: Fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Did you see that email that came in the other day?
Sequoia: Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that one.
Kim: You got some Colinheads out there.
Sequoia: We do have some solid Colinheads out there. [both laugh] If you wanna help out this podcast, you can leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook, and we will shout you out in approximately six to twelve months.
Kim: Correct! You can also help us out by tricking…
Both: ...everyone.
Kim: From a responsible social distance.
Sequoia: Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Trick your Facebook groups, trick your Discord channels, trick your neighbors by skidding out onto your porch, and when they’re also on their porch, you just sort of shout really loud.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Mhm, sure. [Sequoia laughs] A lot of options that you have.
Sequoia: You can also support us on our Patreon.
Kim: Yep! We are still running those discounted tiers, if you wanna go check those out. If you are already a Patron, you should definitely go check those out.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Because what’s… yep. [laughs]
Sequoia: Wow, thank you for that wonderful Patreon plug. [laughs]
Kim: I’m thinking a lot about… [laughing] I’m thinking a lot about… [pause] betazoids.
Sequoia: Great. Another thing on Patreon.
Kim: Oh, right, yes!
Sequoia: Certain tiers of our Patreon subscribers get a shout out on the podcast after six months in the form of a weird little story summary from us.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So we’re going to do those right now.
Kim: Oliver’s love life has always been difficult. But now that his two meddling friends, Kim and Kfir, won’t stop trying to play matchmaker, things have gotten even crazier. [Sequoia laughs] Kim won’t stop inviting him places where Percy just happens to be too, and Kfir keeps scheduling Quidditch press events where only Oliver and Marcus Flint are invited. [Sequoia laughs] Can Kfir convince Kim that Percy and Oliver would make a terrible match? Or will Oliver have to take things into his own hands?
Sequoia: Wow! [both laugh] Nice.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Nice, that was some good Flintwood content.
Kim: [laughing] Thank you. Thank you also to Kfir who does send us some good…
Both: ...Flintwood content.
Sequoia: It was the twelfth day of Luna’s stake out when a Muggle hiker stumbled across her camp site. She had been waiting almost thirteen days for the Holumphkin to emerge from the shadowed cave dwelling, and, while the squirrels and mice were good company, she was beginning to wish she’d acquired one of those Muggle feletones to call her father. When Nanar comes along, Luna ropes them into waiting with her for an amazing creature to poke its head from its winter hiding place. Luna has to hide her wand, her magically enlarged tent, and some suspicious potions ingredients, but she may just make a new friend.
Kim: [laughs] Very good. Thank you also to all of our other Patrons. I know we said this at the top, but your support means a lot to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to The Whomping Willows for our amazing theme song, Wolfstar.
Kim: Bye everyone!
Sequoia: Bu-bye!
Kim: Stay inside.
Sequoia: [sing-song voice] Stay inside!