Episode 72: A Slightly Warped Fairy Tale Involving Evil Ferrets/Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
This episode has extreme chaotic energy so get ready for a high does of screaming and giggling.
Recommendation: Anchor
https://archiveofourown.org/works/54230
Kim’s quick fic: Curious
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22334896
Kim: So listeners, I wanted to let you know that if things seem a little off today it’s only because we’re recording without our live studio audience. [Sequoia laughs] And it’s not because we’re nervous that we’re breaking social distancing or because of the earthquake that happened here yesterday. [Sequoia continues laughing hysterically]
Kim: So, with that, enjoy the show.
Sequoia: [melodiously] Aaaaaaah!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast!
Sequoia: Welcome to the pod, everyone. [Kim makes muffled laughing/crying noises] Goddamn it. We’re trying so hard to act like everything is normal.
Kim: [still crying/laughing] Here we go.
Sequoia: [also crying/laughing] Here we go.
Kim: I didn’t make it very far, did I? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Well, everyone, we’re so happy to be here creating this content at this uncertain time
Kim: And not swallowed into Lake Bonneville as it liquifies beneath our feet. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah. I seriously thought it was the big one yesterday, dude.
Sequoia: I was asleep! I was asleep, we had an earthquake yesterday on top of [Kim sighs] how everything was already insane. I was just like, I woke up and the ground was shaking and I was like, are you fucking joking? [laughs] What’s going on?
Kim: Bonneville take me!
Sequoia: Really?!
Kim: [screaming] Yes, sink into the ancient abyss!
Sequoia: Really?! I do appreciate every one of the listeners that has, like, reached out to us, though, knowing that we live in Salt Lake, being like, hey, how’s it going? With the earthquake?
Kim: You know, I’ve only been like dabbing a weird amount. [both laugh] I think… I think it’s like it feels appropriate when I’m overcome with this weird mixture of ennui and terror that I’ve been having? [Sequoia laughs] Just gotta dab it out! I’m not almost thirty. What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Just gotta dab it out. I spent like a whole hour underneath the table. [both laugh hysterically]
Kim: Dab it out, man!
Sequoia: Dab it out! [laughs]
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: Anyway.
Kim: We can do this.
Sequoia: We can do this. [slightly strangled] We can do this. This is a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, but before we get to the Harry Potter fanfiction portion of the Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, we must do some bullshit. Let’s go.
Kim: We have some announcements.
Sequoia: We have some announcements.
Kim: In case you missed us dropping into our feed on Friday to make these announcements, we’re gonna make them again.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: Our patron… Patreon tiers are discounted right now, some of them.
Sequoia: Yes, a couple of them are discounted. You can get into our Discord at a discounted rate. You can also get our bonus content at a discounted rate.
Kim: So check that out.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Those are gonna be up for at least the next two months, y’know. [laughs]
Sequoia: Y’know, til whenever is whatever is whoever!
Kim: ‘Til I stop dabbing sadly, I guess.
Sequoia: We are also doing story time livestreams, where we are reading stories that were written by our listeners…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …out loud in a story time format.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: They’re goi… they are on YouTube.
Kim: There’s gonna be one tomorrow.
Sequoia: There’s gonna be one tomorrow.
Kim: The first one is tomorrow, as of… as of this episode dropping, I guess.
Sequoia: We’re just gonna do something every single day right now. [both laugh]
Kim: I’ve got a lot of…
Sequoia: I’ve got a lot of time on my hands right now, you guys. Jobs? Never heard of her! [both laugh hysterically]
Kim: So check our Twitter and our… or our other social media. Sequoia will have posted the time for that, hopefully.
Sequoia: Yeah. I do recommend going on Twitter, following us on Twitter and then turning on notifications, because we’re gonna be doing a lot of… of random fun stuff and I wanna just like update you and have you there.
Kim: Unless Lake Bonneville swallows us.
Sequoia: Unless Lake Bonneville swallows us. But hoping that that doesn’t happen. [laughs]
Kim: Tweeting from under the earth. Someone dig me out. [Sequoia laughs] Shit.
Sequoia: Notifications to come dig us out of Lake Bonneville. [both laugh] We’re okayyy!
Kim: Speaking of the livestream story times, we are accepting submissions for those in our email.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We’re looking for stories three thousand words or less.
Sequoia: Something…
Kim: Something fun and uplifting. And if you aren’t submitting something that you’ve written in the past and you wanna submit something cracky, maybe also submit it to Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: It can be for Yes!! Glitter!!! and it can also be for story time livestreams.
Kim: Or just submit something for Yes!! Glitter!!! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Don’t forget about Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: [laughs] Last time I asked y’all to send us some Harry goes back in time and makes out with Salazar Slytherin stuff, and we did get some of those.
Sequoia: Delivered.
Kim: So this time I am putting out another call. Send us the ghost Cedric content you wish to see in this world.
Sequoia: [laughs] JD?
Kim: Or others. Write us the ghost Cedric content you wish existed. We may put it in Yes!! Glitter!!! Oh, and I wanted to mention something.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’re looking… we’re soliciting content for Yes!! Glitter!!! If your content gets into Yes!! Glitter!!! you will get a Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: Yeah, you will get a copy of the zine sent to your doorstep for free as part of being part of that thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So submit anything and everything…
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: …and definitely that prompt to Yes!! Glitter!!! Please. [Kim laughs] We did have one email social media type thing we wanted to talk about.
Kim: We had two.
Sequioa: Because it was important.
Kim: We had two.
Sequoia: Oh, we had two? I can remember one of them distinctly. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. I mean, one of them is… Jesus Christ. Do we need to talk… I feel like we’re just encouraging them. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We just… we just wanted to update you. The eleven year old is now a twelve year old.
Kim: I think that’s enough. [both laugh] That’s sufficient. You know who you are.
Sequoia: You know who you are. Thank you. [laughs]
Kim: But we also got a DM on Twitter, so maybe they didn’t want us to talk about this, but I’m gonna do it anyway. [Sequoia laughs] DM on Twitter who said that they were standing in line at the airport or something and they were listening to the podcast and they laughed out loud, and somebody near them was like, what’s so funny? And they were like, I’m listening to Hello From the Magic Tavern. [Sequoia laughs] And here’s the thing, listener. I just… I really need that moment distilled and then sent to me, because I need to drink that moment. ‘Cause it’s delicious. Mmmmm, yes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Honestly, we don’t blame you. Like, we see you. We understand.
Kim: Deliciousssss.
Sequoia: It’s baby steps. It’s baby steps, y’know? At least you told them you were listening to a podcast. [Kim laughs] And then next time you can go all the way to saying oh it’s a Harry Potter podcast.
Kim: I’m listening to Potterless.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, I’m listening to Potterless! [both laugh] Incredible. All right. Well, before we get into stories, we’re doing some reviews.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So let’s go ahead and shout out to some people who left us some fabulous reviews.
Kim: A year ago. [laughing] Jesus Christ!
Sequoia: It wasn’t a year ago. Okay, I’m gonna start out. Shout out to Pein of Konoha Corner, who is the host of Gamer News Radio Podcast, who wants more Harry/Pansy? So if you guys could…
Kim: I don’t think we’ve done any of that.
Sequoia: I’m gonna need… send it.
Kim: We need help, apparently.
Sequoia: Send it to us, and we’ll make it happen.’Cause I love that ship. It’s a bad ship but I love it.
Kim: Any Pansy ship is a bad ship that I love, thank you.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Shout out to Nanar Jinx, who asks for more recommendations, and I recommend that you read every fanfic. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shout out to whit_ruth, who says thank you for pointing out plot holes in Cursed Child, and we’re so happy you enjoyed it because that episode took years off our lives and we will never be the same again. [both laugh]
Kim: Shout out to Slytherin Queen Wilms, who rates us ten out of ten, would trick their friends, and I hope you did!
Sequoia: Shout out to tinlizzie603 who says we keep them awake on long drives, and I’m wondering if it’s the cackling or the screaming? That’s most effective? ‘Cause…
Kim: I bet it’s the crying.
Sequoia: …we can add more of either of those things. [Kim pretends to cry] [both laugh]
Kim: Shout out to Jbb605 who says we kept them laughing through a difficult time, and they listen all the time now. And it’s so nice to hear stuff like this, because we are here for you all now with whatever garbage this is.
Sequoia: Yes, we are.
Kim: Is this anything? Sequoia?
Sequoia: This?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Eh. [laughs]
Sequoia: All right, great. Well, those were some reviews, and now it’s time for you to get on your computer, pull out your cellular device, you’re gonna send us your predictions.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: You’re gonna tweet them at us, #FanficDivination. You’re gonna put them in the Discord, if you are on Patreon. You are going to reply to our Instagram story with them.
Kim: I wanted to mention this, actually. The energy of the ones we get on Instagram is so different from the other ones.
Sequoia: I feel like the ones we get on Twitter are like, here I am, attempting to make predictions of this story, and the ones on Instagram are like, whoooo what if it was this wild ride?! [both laugh]
Kim: The Instagram ones have an interesting energy.
Sequoia: Some really chaotic energy. [both laugh hysterically]
Kim: Is that… is that the young people?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: I don’t know what it is. I like it.
Sequoia: [laughing] I don’t know, I love it.
Kim: All right, let’s do this thing. So I’ve got two short things… short whatevers today.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: They’ve both been edited.
Sequoia: Excellent. But y’know.
Kim: This first one is called A Slightly Warped Fairytale Involving Evil Ferrets.
[pause]
Sequoia: [breathily] I mean… I ju… I p…
Kim: The genre is humor and adventure. And it came out before Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Mhm. Sure it did. [Kim laughs] Great. What’s it called again?
Kim: A Slightly Warped Fairytale Involving Evil Ferrets. ‘Cause it’s the early 2000s.
Sequoia: I feel like there’s a tricky line here with what I’m allowed…
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: Like, can I guess that this story is about Draco Malfoy?
Kim: Sure. Guess that, fuck you.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: No wait! We… we’ve explicitly banned that. No, you can’t.
Sequoia: No, it can’t be. Yeah, I know. I just… fine. This story is Drarry. The… the fairytale that is being warped in question is Cinderella, and in this story… in this story, the ferrets will be able to speak English.
Kim: Sure. Yeah. Those are all fine.
Sequoia: Great. Okay. There we go!
Kim: Let’s do this. So this story is kinda told in the structure of someone telling someone else a fairytale.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So it’s gonna… it… I think it’s gonna sound a little weird, but let’s just do it.
Sequoia: Okay, let’s go. It’ll be fine.
Kim: Gonna be hard to tell when they’re talking and when I’m talking, maybe. But, you know, we’ll get through this together.
Sequoia: Okay. I’ll probably go, ehhh? Whaaaat? several times, and then you’ll just have to tell me.
Kim: Right. Okay. Here we go. Let’s start. I’m gonna start it… now. All right. Be quiet and listen. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Now I understand what you’re saying, now.
Kim: I’m telling my fairytale.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes. Yes, ma’am.
Kim: Okay. Once upon a time, there lived a somewhat good looking girl named Ginny.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Today Ginny is somewhat good looking.
Sequoia: [laughing] Somewhat good looking. [laughs]
Kim: Yikes. She lived in London somewhere.
Sequoia: Irrelevant.
Kim: Yeah, whatever. Every day, she woke up and… well, actually, I don’t wanna tell this part of the story. I always just skip over the first part to the action, which went something like this.
Sequoia: Woah, okay. [both laugh] I’m really interesting… I’m really interested in who this narrator is and like what their… what their motivations are. Why are they telling this fairytale? Who are they telling this fairytale to? Because if they’re getting straight to the action bit, like… okay.
Kim: Hold for the text, man. Those questions, and more, will be answered. [Sequoia laughs] Why not?
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: One day, she was walking down some street whose name is not important… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, wow. This person…
Kim: This person…
Sequoia: …really doesn’t like details.
Kim: Mmm, yeah, details, whatever. I’m writing a fanfiction!
Sequoia: Gotta get straight to the point here.
Kim: The action. …when she was suddenly surrounded on all sides!
Sequoia: Wait! Okay, yeah. I guess you said they were going straight to the action.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: But…
Kim: We’re there! It’s the action. She was suddenly surrounded. [Sequoia laughs] She was walking down the street and then suddenly!
Sequoia: Okay. Great.
Kim: Everywhere!
Sequoia: She was walking down whatever street.
Kim: What. Ever!!!
Sequoia: A… a street.
Kim: Suddenly surrounded on all sides by big, ugly, mean Death Eaters.
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: Now, in a normal fairytale, the girl in question would immediately go into damsel in distress mode. Whateverrrr!
Sequoia: But not this girl. She’s gonna kick some fucking ass. Is she gonna kick some fucking ass?
Kim: Uh, you know. She’s…
Sequoia: All right. Cool. We’ll see.
Kim: Meaning she would gasp dramatically, cover her mouth with one hand, cover her heart with the other, and exclaim softly, “Oh my goodness!” [both laugh] Or whateverrrr!
Sequoia: I love how there’s a specific… there’s some specific actions that you use in order to engage damsel in distress mode.
Kim: Yeah. You kinda… oh no, it’s… wait, you’re covering your mouth and your heart and like, oh my goodness, oh my goodness!
Sequoia: [muffled] Oh my goodness!
Kim: And then she would also start to yell, “help!” But her mouth would be covered too fast, so she would yell, “hellll…” [both laugh]
Sequioa: She would!
Kim: …and be dismayed with herself for using such foul language.
Sequoia: Oh my god. She’s such a prude.
Kim: [vocal fry] Yeahhh. Normal damsels. Prude alert.
Sequoia: [laughs] Or whatever.
Kim: Is that a thing?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: I don’t think that’s a thing!
Sequoia: That’s not anything.
Kim: It’s nothing.
Sequoia: That’s nothing.
Kim: This is nothing. I’m sorry. Fairytale teller, this is nothing.
Sequoia: What is the motivation here?
Kim: And then she would be apparated away to some creepy castle complete with drawbridge, hinkypunk infested moat, and evil villain.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: But this is not that story…
Kim: However…
Sequoia: …because that would be a regular story.
Kim: Yeah, a regular… whatever!
Sequoia: But this isn’t a regular fairytale. This fairytale has no details! [both laugh]
Kim: This fairytale’s slightly warped! Whatever.
Sequoia: Okay, great. She’s surrounded by Death Eaters and I kinda assume she’s gonna kick some ass and/or a ferret is gonna come save her.
Kim: Uhh the ferrets in the title are explicitly titled as evil.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true. I’d forgotten.
Kim: Yeah. Okay. However, in my fairytale, I (I’m switching to first person, much easier to tell a story about yourself in first person).
Sequoia: Oh, so this is Ginny.
Kim: This is Ginny.
Sequoia: Why did she call herself, like, mildly good looking or whatever at the beginning?!
Kim: She didn’t wanna seem conceited.
Sequoia: There’s this girl, I dunno, she had a face. It doesn’t matter. She had a name. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.
Kim: Whatever!
Sequoia: Whatever! Let’s get to the part where anything happens.
Kim: [laughs] Ginny, have you never heard of rising action?
Sequoia: Yeah, but you can’t like… you can’t like… I’m gonna get straight to the action, so she was here, these guys surrounded her, and let me tell you a hypothetical story here for just a second.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: What if I take a break? [both laugh] I’d like to take a quick intermission here.
Kim: And also now I’m switching to first person inside a parenthetical.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: However, in my fairytale, I act entirely differently. Which means I kick ass. I mean, booty.
Sequoia: [laughs] So she just doesn’t like foul language.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Language.
Kim: Language. After I’m suddenly surrounded by the big, ugly, mean Death Eaters, while I was innocently walking to the donut store down the street…
Sequoia: And that’s why you never eat donuts. Yeah.
Kim: I’d fight Death Eaters to get to a good donut.
Sequoia: Really? You’d have to be… I mean…
Kim: I’d die. I’d literally die. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I don’t think I’d fight Death Eaters to get to a good donut, but I might fight Death Eaters to get to a good brownie.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Not a donut, though. Not a big donut person.
Kim: Nice and warm, and a little… no? Full of fried chicken? Have you seen that? Never mind.
Sequoia: What? [both laugh]
Kim: Not important.
Sequoia: I feel like that’s not the donuts she’s fighting for.
Kim: Yeah. I go into booty kicking mode.
Sequoia: Booty kicking!
Kim: Kick those booties!
Sequoia: Pow? [laughs] Kerblam!
Kim: Meaning I grab my wand and start shooting hexes faster than the eye can see. Pew pew!
Sequoia: Bat bogey! Bat bogey! Bat bogey!
Kim: According to fanfiction, actually yes.
Sequoia: Ginny only knows one spell.
Kim: Ginny knows one spell. Harry knows one spell, and Ginny…
Both: …knows one spell.
Sequoia: And Ron knows no spells. [both laugh] Got ‘em. [laughs]
Kim: Unfortunately, as this is my fairytale, I wouldn’t want it to end here, because there would be too little action.
[pause]
Sequoia: Okay. So she’s gonna encounter more foes?
Kim: Yeah, she’s gonna have to fight more.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. That’s fine.
Kim: Unfortunately for the Ginny in the story, because Ginny’s telling this story, there has to be more action so bad things have to happen to story Ginny? This story’s a little confusing.
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s really not very nice to story Ginny.
Kim: Story Ginny looks okay, I guess.
Sequoia: Story Ginny, she looks fine. She really wants a donut.
Kim: She’s not gonna get one.
Sequoia: She has really no… she’s got no character motivation, because you didn’t get any of the lead up into this experience. She’s on a street, and she wants a donut, that’s all you’ve got.
Kim: Yeah, like, why… what’s the motivation? Why do we care about this character?
Sequoia: Give her more!
Kim: We need… we need some reason to care about this person.
Sequoia: Ginny, we need more reason to care…
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: …about you in your own story about you. Please.
Kim: So she doesn’t want it to end here because there would be too little action. I’m eventually captured. But not, mind you, without taking out a few of the bad guys.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So she… you know, she… she killed a few of them. She killed like, three. Or five, or ten.
Sequoia: Doesn’t matter! Whatever! [laughs]
Kim: Whatever, numbers! Numbers aren’t action! Right, so then they apparate me off to some creepy castle because they’re Death Eaters and they fancy themselves to be evil villains.
Sequoia: But I thought she wasn’t gonna go to the creepy castle because the… she wasn’t gonna be in the…
Kim: Well, you have to because that’s where the action’s gonna be.
Sequoia: Yeah, but that was part of the regular…
Kim: We’re gonna… we’re gonna follow the story, but along the way…
Both: …she’s gonna kick some ass!
Sequoia: Booty. Booty. Booty.
Kim: Oh, right. Sorry.
Sequoia: Sorry!
Kim: I just remembered another listener I wanted to talk about!
Sequoia: What?
Kim: We got that message on Instagram, that like, I play your podcast for my students because I’m a teacher, and I… I don’t wanna call our listeners liars [Sequoia laughs] but they mentioned in this comment that they only play the episodes without swearing to their students.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: And I know for a fact that I fucking swear all the fucking time!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. I was wondering if we did have any episodes where we did’t swear.
Kim: There’s no way!
Sequoia: There might be.
Kim: No
Sequoia: There might be.
Kim: Noooo!
Sequoia: There might be.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Anyway, she’s gonna go kick some booty.
Kim: Oh right, some fucking ass. [both laugh] Right into their assholes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So she’s at the creepy castle, there’s probably a moat and all the things that she described before.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But this time we’re gonna get no details. Only details in hypotheticals.
Kim: Yeah. Death Eater… So Death Eaters fancy themselves to be evil villains, and as you know, evil villains always live in creepy castles.
Sequoia: True.
Kim: I, you should know, am kicking and screaming the whole way, occasionally managing to kick one of them where the sun don’t shine.
Sequoia: In the balls!
Kim: In the asshole. [both laugh] Successfully incapacitating them.
Sequoia: Right. She’s kicking them in the balls.
Kim: In the asshole.
Sequoia: She’s kicking them in the balls.
Kim: The sun doesn’t shine inside your asshole, Sequoia. [laughs]
Sequoia: But she’s incapacitating them! [both laugh]
Kim: You don’t think that having a shoe all the way inside…? [Sequoia laughs] We don’t have to talk about this. Never mind. This is too much. [Sequoia still laughing] Is it hot in here?
Sequoia: Fuckin’ stupid. Fine. Okay. [both laugh]
Kim: I’m locked in a diminutive, dank, dark dungeon.
Sequoia: Mmm, diminutive.
Kim: [singing] (Can we say alliteration?)
Sequoia: Deep dark dungeon.
Kim: That’s a pro…
Sequioa: Diminutive…
Kim: There’s a parenthetical after diminutive, dank dark dungeon. (Can we say alliteratioooon?)
Sequoia: We can! Here we go!
Both: [singing] Alliteratioooon! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Damn it. I’m gonna take that out…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and I’m gonna make it the text tone every time you call me. [laughs]
Kim: Fair.
Sequoia: ‘Kay, there was alliteration.
Kim: Locked in a dungeon like normal, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Sequoia: Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda, details.
Kim: Dungeon, not action! [Sequoia laughs] The diminutive, dank, dark dungeon is guarded by some more Death Eaters and a couple of dragons.
Sequoia: Casual.
Kim: There have to be dragons because this is, however untraditional, a fairytale, and there are always dragons in fairytales.
Sequoia: Every single fairytale.
Kim: Every single fairytale.
Sequoia: Ever. Has had a dragon.
Kim: That time when Cinderella burned her stepmom’s house to the ground with her pet dragon.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good. There was also that time when… wait, that one does have a dragon in it.
Kim: What were you thinking?
Sequoia: That one also has a dragon in it.
Kim: Were you thinking Snow White and Sleeping Beauty?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because I also went through those in my brain.
Sequoia: Yeah. Those have… those have dragons in them!
Kim: Mulan.
Sequoia: Mulan has a dragon in it? Wait a second.
Kim: Is she right? Is Ginny right? Babbity Rabbity does not have a dragon.
Sequoia: Babbity Rabbity does not have a dragon in it.
Kim: Ginny! Ginny!
Sequoia: Warlock’s Hairy Heart. No dragon.
Kim: No dragon! [both laugh] There’s always dragons in fairytales. They’re big and mean and they have large sharp talons and they breathe fire. Ginny is explaining what dragons are to us.
Sequoia: She won’t tell us what her character motivation is, but she will tell us what a dragon looks like?
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: Ginny. Ginny!
Kim: Ginny, look, I haven’t said it yet but here’s the thing. Ginny, get back in your diminutive, dank, dark box. [Sequoia laughs] [both sigh]
Sequoia: Oh, man! She really needs to take a class on, like, story structure.
Kim: I think so. Yeah, well, it’s not like wizards know what literature is.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: They don’t have any books.
Sequoia: I bet they’ve got like, one romance novelist. [both laugh] That’s like in the wizard’s grocery store.
Kim: It’s McGonagall’s pen name.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah!
Kim: No wait, we know that wizards don’t have trashy romance novels in grocery stores! From your New Year story!
Sequoia: Oh yeah, that’s true! That’s true! [both laugh] Canon.
Kim: Well, I get tired of the diminutive, dank, dark dungeon, and decide that I am going to escape.
Sequoia: A daring escape!
Kim: Here we go!
Sequoia: Action.
Kim: Action! So I pick the lock using the underwire from my bra.
Sequoia: Nice! Get ‘em! Here’s the thing.
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: That’s incredible.
Kim: Sure. Bras are expensive.
Sequoia: Also, is no one paying attention though? There’s like fifteen guards and twelve dragons…
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: …and everyone just like, lets her pick the lock.
Kim: You know…
Sequoia: They’re bored.
Kim: They fell asleep. They were so sleepy.
Sequoia: They all fell asleep. [laughs]
Kim: Bedtime. Pick the lock, smash one of the Death Eaters over the head with my shoe, steal his wand, and use it to bat bogey/stupefy the rest of them! That’s two spells.
Sequoia: Yep, that’s two whole… that’s twoooo spells.
Kim: Two spells, baby!
Sequoia: Got ‘em! Two spells! They call ‘em…
Kim: Ginny Two Spells!
Sequoia: [bursts out laughing] That’s what I was gonna say! Damn it. [both laugh] That’s a terrible joke.
Kim: That’s nothing.
Sequoia: Why did we both wanna do that? [both laugh]
Kim: However, one of the dragons breathes fire on the wand and it’s incinerated!
Sequoia: [gasps] Wait!
Kim: So I have to take on the dragon single handedly.
Sequoia: Wait! What about her hand?!
Kim: She dropped it.
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh]
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: All right, that’s fine. Details!
Kim: Ginny’s inflammable. Details!
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay, great. Good to know, good to know.
Kim: So now she has to take on the dragon wandlessly.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Cool.
Kim: Naturally, I throw a rock at one of the dragon’s eyes.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s the first thing I thought of!
Kim: Obviously.
Sequoia: Because naturally that’s the next thing you do. That’s the next step.
Kim: My wand’s burned up, I guess I’ll throw a rock. I hit it, of course, and it starts stomping and flailing around. While it’s flailing, one of its very large, very sharp talons chops the head off the other dragon and kills it!
Sequoia: [screaming] That’s…! That…! He…!
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: Here’s the thing.
Kim: Kapatchewwww! Pewwww! [laughs]
Sequoia: Kachow! [both laugh] Yeah, that seems highly unlikely, just sort of physically? You know? It seems unlikely that that would be… also like what a lucky… what a lucky thing to happen.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ‘Cause while you’re throwing the one at the… the rock at one dragon, if there’s two dragons then the other one could just light you on fire while you’re doing that.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So it’s really lucky for her, honestly, in the grand scheme of the story. [both laugh]
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That the other dragon chose to do nothing. Anyway, continue. [laughs]
Kim: I then rush forward and tickle the dragon until it dies from oxygen deprivation.
Sequoia: [laughs maniacally] Wow, I can’t get enough of this action. Honestly, I…
Kim: This is some very compelling action.
Sequoia: I see where she’s coming from, wanting to get straight to the action on this one.
Kim: Yeah. Other stuff? Boring.
Sequoia: Other stuff?
Kim: I tickled a dragon!
Both: To death! [both laugh]
Kim: Since I have nothing else to do now, and I’m a little winded from all that booty kicking, I sit on top of the decapitated dragon.
Sequoia: Selfie! [both laugh]
Kim: Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It was 2005 Sequoia, we weren’t taking selfies yet.
Sequoia: Oh no, what would she do then? You gotta document the experience or else it never happened. Pics or it didn’t happen. [both laugh]
Kim: However, there is still a slight problem. I have been taken to the headquarters of Moldywarts himself.
Sequoia: MOLDYWARTS!
Both: Eyyyyy!
Kim: This fanfic’s energy is so… [exhales] [Sequoia laughs] this is a good crack, isn’t it?
Sequoia: It’s beautiful.
Kim: This is some good crack. I happen to be sitting atop a dragon just outside that very same power crazed lunatic’s private bathroom!
Sequoia: Private bathroom?
Kim: Yeah? It’s… it’s a castle.
Sequoia: Next to a prisoner’s quarters.
Kim: Yeah, okay, she’s fought her way to…
Sequoia: Right. Cool.
Kim: You know, through the dragon. You know, he keeps the dragon…
Sequoia: She’s sitting on a dragon outside of his bathroom.
Kim: So he comes stalking out of his bathroom after taking his evening bath with one towel on his head and another around his waist. Yuck.
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: Gross!
Sequoia: He’s a snake person. [laughs]
Kim: Towels? Gross! Why does he have a towel on his head? He doesn’t have hair.
Sequoia: He does not have hair.
Kim: What’s it holding on… never mind. [Sequoia laughs] He sees me, and decides that I must be disposed of.
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Obviously. So he points his wand at me and says…
Sequoia: Oh, in this one he takes his wand to the shower. [both laugh]
Kim: Well, he learned from his previous mistakes.
Sequoia: Right, okay, cool.
Kim: ‘Cause he did that before, and…
Sequoia: Not any more. Never again.
Kim: Fool me once. [both laugh] Can’t get fooled again. He points his wand at me and says, you guessed it, “Avada Ked…” Because at that moment, the handsome prince arrives to rescue me.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Not that I needed rescuing.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I had a plan.
Sequoia: She was gonna take the dead dragon’s head that she was sitting on…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and she was gonna, like, punt it.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: She was gonna drop kick it at Voldemort, and then he was gonna be so taken off guard.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then she was gonna like slide and knock him off of his feet.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And steal his wand. And then she was gonna bat bogey hex him. [both laugh]
Kim: To death.
Sequoia: To death.
Kim: No, that’s not what her plan was.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I had a plan. It involves me grabbing the sword that was mounted on the wall beside me…
Sequoia: Oh nice.
Kim: …leaping through the air and chopping the rope holding up the metal chandelier above Moldywarts head.
Sequoia: Ooooh! Oh, that was way better than what I said.
Kim: Was it?
Sequoia: Yeah. Well, it was different.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] You can’t really rank one above the other.
Kim: [laughs] But that wouldn’t fulfil the infamous prophecy involving Harry Potter…
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: …which I am very put out with. Why can’t I get the glory of killing Moldywarts? It’s not fair!
Sequoia: Yeah! It’s not fair. Girl, you tell ‘em.
Kim: You know, prophecy, shmophecy.
Sequoia: Exactly. Prophecy? Never heard of her. [Kim laughs] [laughing] I’m sorry, I spend a lot of time with Hannah. She makes that joke a lot. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] It’s a good joke. Ten out of ten. We’re very funny.
Sequoia: [snorting] We’re very funny.
Kim: The handsome prince, who isn’t really a prince but will be referred to one in this story, since it’s a fairy tale…
Sequoia: Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Kim: Blah, blah, blah.
Sequoia: Prince, yadda, yadda.
Kim: Prince. …makes a grand entrance. Meaning he tumbles out of the fireplace on the other end of the hall, grabbing a sconce on the wall beside him to keep him from falling and breaking his glasses. The sconce pulls down and opens a trapdoor right under Moldywarts, who falls through the hole and is devoured by the hinkypunks at the bottom of it.
Sequoia: Nice. Classic clumsy Harry.
Kim: [high, oblivious voice] Woah! Woah!
Sequoia: Oh j…
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Oh jeez!
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: Excuse me, I’m Harry Potter! Oh, is this… oh, that wasn’t attached! Oh no! [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, I like that Harry voice! Oh, that one’s good! [laughs]
Kim: And thus, the prophecy is fulfilled. [pause] I don’t think that fulfils the prophecy, though, do you? Voldemort getting eaten by hinkypunks? I think the hinkypunks are the killers in that situation.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: If I were… if I were…
Kim: If I dropped you into a pit of piranhas, did I kill you or did the piranhas kill you?
Sequoia: You killed me.
Kim: Oh, all right. Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Then the prophecy is fulfilled.
Sequoia: I mean, as someone who watches…
Kim: But…
Sequoia: …a lot of murder TV [Kim laughs] let me tell you… [laughs]
Kim: So you would say that Harry did kill Voldemort.
Sequoia: I would say that Harry accidentally killed Voldemort.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: It’s more manslaughter really.
Kim: Okay. Than murder.
Sequoia: If he had pushed Voldemort into the piranhas, or the hinkypunks, sorry.
Kim: The whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever was happening. If he’d done the… if he’d pushed him intentionally…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …then it would have been murder.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: But since he was just like, whoa! Boy! What’s this!? then it was manslaughter, I believe.
Kim: Why do we even have that door?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Wrong lever!
Kim: Yeah exactly. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: When did that movie come out? Was it before 2005?
Sequoia: I dunno, I don’t wanna look it up. You wanna look it up?
Kim: I’ll look it up.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. [singing] Doo doo doo doo.
Kim: No, don’t make noises so you can… if you don’t make noises you can cut this part out later.
Sequoia: [continues singing] Doo doo doo doo! [laughs]
Kim: It came out in 2000. Oh, so this is what it was…
Sequoia: Yeah, it was wrong lever for sure.
Kim: Thus the prophecy is fulfilled. The handsome prince straightens up and looks at me, and I say “What took you so long?” Bitch.
Sequoia: Was she bait? She wasn’t there to get a donut at all.
Kim: You think they set it up!
Sequoia: They set it up! Because they knew Harry was incompetent.
Kim: Oh wait, who’s they? Ginny set it up to lure Harry there to kill Voldemort? Devious.
Sequoia: There has to have been some kind of a plan here. Because he knew where she was.
Kim: Voldemort?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Harry.
Sequoia: Harry and Voldemort. Everyone in this story all behaved too calculatedly.
Kim: Too convenient.
Sequioa: Yeah.
Kim: Almost as if it was a constructed fairytale.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, who’s the audience? Get… get… I need…
Kim: I say… We’re almost there. I say, “What took you so long?” and he says, “The evil ferrets.” Wah wah wahhh. [trumpet noises] Badababehbeh [blows raspberry]
Sequoia: Wow, fuck that.
Kim: And I say, “Okay then. Well, thanks for saving my life.”
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: I’m doing finger guns right now.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think that’s important to note. There’s finger guns.
Kim: We got a little more dialogue. We’re almost there, dude. And he says, “No problem, wanna get married?” And I say, “Yeah, okay!”
Sequoia: Wait, what? [both laugh]
Kim: And then we ride off into the sunset on his Firebolt. And then we have a little girl named Lily Potter, whose bedtime is right now. And then we lived happily ever after. After we killed the evil ferrets, of course.
[extended pause]
Sequoia: That was kinda cute at the end! [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s why she was saying booty!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh that’s so funny! No, wait! [laughs]
Kim: This is a weird story to tell your kid to go… to get them ready for bed, I would contend.
Sequoia: Yeah. I also… you know…
Kim: Because I’m hype right now.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m a little too hype for this… for this bedtime. And also, like, y’know, I wonder what… I think it… was it just like, mum tell me a story, or was it, mum tell me how you and daddy… [dissolves into laughter]
Kim: I hope it’s the second one. It’s got… it’s gottta be the second one, right? Right?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Oh wow. I lo… I loved that.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I love that. I love that.
Kim: I thought it was some grade A crack.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was so crack. I just like… I didn’t see the twist coming, honestly.
Kim: What a twist!
Sequoia: I didn’t see the twist coming.
Kim: For sure.
Sequoia: What a good twist.
Kim: Sure. Let’s do a second one!
Sequoia: Yeah, let’s do another one! Tell me another story! [laughs]
Kim: This one’s called Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Great. Good. My favorite fanfictions are ones that are just titled the book titles, you guys!
Kim: Genre is… now this is tagged by the author. I didn’t tag this. Humor and crack.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: This is from AO3…
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: …so they have a little more flexibility in tags. This is also pre Half Blood Prince, obviously. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Okay. And it’s… okay. Okay.
Kim: Humor and crack.
Sequoia: Humor and crack, and it’s before Half Blood Prince came out.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. Some speculatory experience…
Kim: This was originally more like five hundred words and I cut out about half of it, by the way.
Sequoia: Great. Five hundred to two hundred words?
Kim: I should admit, I cut this for humorous effect.
Sequoia: Fine. [laughs]
Kim: The first… the first… it’s one of those stories that has a twist at the end…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …and I cut the first half because I thought it… yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. This story will not reveal the identity of the half blood prince. Is that a thing I can say?
Kim: Do that.
Sequoia: Cool, I’m gonna say that.
Kim: It’s got a… it’s got a pairing in it.
Sequoia: Okay, that helps! That’s helpful. Because this is… that is no… that is nothing to go on. Holy shit, is there nothing to go on.
Kim: [quietly] It’s kinda got two, actually.
Sequoia: Jesus, how do you get two pairings into two hundred words, my dude? Okay. Okay.
Kim: Oh, and it was listener submission. [both laugh] Sorry.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Okay. Let’s see. It was listener submission to you, it’s crack, they’re crack pairings and there’s no fucking way I’m gonna guess them and here we goddamn… here we go! This is gonna be Harry Potter slash [pause] Terry Boot. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice. Nice try.
Sequoia: And this story will have a ghost in it.
Kim: Great. Nice try all around.
Sequoia: Great. That was so fucking hard, dude! Jesus Christ.
Kim: I’ve been facetious. Well, we’ll get there.
Sequoia: Okay, fine.
Kim: After the first few wailing chords, Draco was sold on it.
Sequoia: Okay! Oh no.
Kim: At first, he refused to even look at the stage and instead hunched over with a dour expression on his face. He huffed at the fact that he evidently enjoyed this… music.
Sequoia: He’s at a concert? Okay, good. What’s the concert?
Kim: How irritating. His whole way of life railed against everything muggle, and yet he couldn’t deny the gentle sway of his hips at Soft and Wet. The words were so raunchy and the notes so vulgar…
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughs]
Kim: …so how could a teenaged boy not love it? Yet it wasn’t until the chorus of…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …When Doves Cry…
Sequoia: [crying with laughter] Ohhh what?! [laughs at length] I gotta put those on the playlist now!
Kim: Gotta put those both on the playlist.
Sequoia: I don’t wanna put them on the playlist.
Kim: What’s wrong with you?!
Sequoia: Fuck you!
Kim: Those… those both gotta be on there and they gotta be next to each to each other.
Sequoia: Fuck you. Fuck you!
Kim: [laughs] Woooo!
Sequoia: Okay, he loves it. He’s grooving.
Kim: It wasn’t until the chorus of When Doves Cry that Draco Malfoy finally turned around and stared at the stage, wide eyes prickling with tears.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus Christ!
Kim: Building up from what he felt was a lifetime of being misunderstood.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Incredible.
Kim: And then right here is the When Doves Cry chorus.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, great, good.
Kim: Not gonna…
Sequoia: Do you wanna sing it?
Kim: No. Just go listen to the… to the whole song.
Sequoia: [strangled] It’s on our playlist. [both laugh]
Kim: Finally, someone understood his pain.
Sequioa: Oh my god!
Kim: Understood what it was to be Draco Malfoy and to be attracted to Harry Potter.
Sequoia: [screaming] YEEES! That’s the pairing I guessed for the first story. Fuck my life! [laughs]
Kim: Nice try! He looked over to Potter, hoping to find that same look of comprehension.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: Instead, Harry was among a clump of Gryffindors grinding against Parvati Patil’s ass. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] I ca…
Kim: Draco decided he was right at the start. Muggle music was wretched, even when played by the half blood, Prince.
[extended silence]
Sequoia: What…?
[another pause]
Kim: There’s a comma in the title that I maybe wasn’t fully hitting earlier. [Sequoia makes noises] [silence] The first half of this story that I cut was Ron and Hermione being excited for the concert and Draco pooh poohing it.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah.
Kim: Thought it was more fun to just skip to the concert.
Sequoia: I feel like there was nothing that was not ruined by that story. Thank you. [both laugh]
Kim: I dunno, I kinda like Harry/Parvati.
Sequoia: Do you?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Do you?
Kim: I mean, why not? No.
Sequoia: No. It’s terrible. [sighs] [laughs]
Kim: Parvender for life, am I right?
Sequoia: No, yeah. No, no, no, yeah. Yeah, that, that, that, that. Oh man. Oh, poor Draco.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So misunderstood.
Kim: Prince gets it though, I guess. Why not?
Sequoia: Sure. [Kim laughs] Suuure.
Kim: So that story’s excellent.
Sequoia: That story was great. Thank you. Thank you for bringing it… thank you.
Kim: Thank you to the listener who sent it to us as well. All six of your predictions were wrong.
Sequoia: Yep. Well, y’know, I don’t think anyone’s really surprised by that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don’t think that’s new territory.
Kim: Yeahhhh.
Sequoia: But that second one! How… did… come on, man. Come on!
Kim: You could’ve guessed Drarry.
Sequoia: I could have guessed Drarry.
Kim: You can always guess Drarry.
Sequoia: [whispering] Maybe I should have guessed Drarry.
Kim: [laughs] So now…
Both: …it’s time for a quick ficssss!
Kim: All right, what do you have for me today?
Sequoia: Today I have a fic called One More Check, where in the course of the story, Vernon and Petunia…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …get somebody to come up because they think there are rats in the attic. They can hear a little rat…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …running around in the attic. And then they put some rat traps up there, and get some exterminator to come look and the exterminator goes up there [laughs] and finds that Wormtail got stuck in a rat trap…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and died! [both laugh] So then they’re like, aaaaah there’s a dead body in the attic! [Kim laughs] And then you’re like, what the fuck is happening? Because nobody knows who it is.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: They’re just like, there’s a dead body in the attic!
Kim: There’s some dead guy!
Sequoia: Like, in a rat trap! And then it, like, flashes to Voldemort trying to have a meeting and he’s like, where the fuck is Wormtail? Trying to have a meeting. [muffled laughter and sputtering from both]
Kim: So this is like… this is like post Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire? That takes place in that continuity? Voldemort has sent Wormtail to what, go kill Harry, but he got caught in a rat trap instead?
Sequoia: In the story… I don’t know when the story takes place.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It’s uns… we’re unsure when the story itself takes place.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Wormtail was clearly sent to spy and then got stuck in a rat trap.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But the story itself was written post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: Okay. Yeah, sure. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: He sent… that’s silly. That’s good. I like that.
Sequoia: Yeah. So that’s my quick fic.
Kim: I would like to do a quick fic as well.
Sequoia: Okay! Sure!
Kim: I’ve been reading listener submissions recently, trying to catch up. I’m… I’m drowning, but that’s not important. [Sequoia laughs] One of our listeners… we ask for like a short description of these things and they said, in their description they were like, hi, I wrote this for you.
Sequoia: Oh, damn! Okay, yeah!
Kim: This fic was encouraged and edited by the person that tricked me into listening to this podcast.
Sequoia: Incredible. I love that.
Kim: And the fic in question, unfortunately…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Unfortunately for us, this listener, who did actually give us permission to use their name. Their name is Andrea. Andrea wrote some nasty shit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: For you?
Kim: Yes. Andrea wrote some nasty shit where Remus and Snape do it…
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: …and they don’t have any lube available, and so Remus uses…
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: …the grease from Snape’s hair.
Sequoia: Eeeeeewwwwwwewewwwww!
Kim: So thank you for sending that to me. You are nasty, and very funny. I think I’m gonna link this shit.
Sequoia: Yeah do it, link it. That’s disgusting.
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: Thank you for that.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pewwww! Pew pew pew!
Kim: I’m recommending another listener submissiooooon!
Sequoia: Fuck yeah.
Kim: This person also gave me permission to use their name, how fun! Molly sent this to me, and where we ask for title, they wrote KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMM not for your thoughts! [both laugh] But the title is Anchor. And this is some Harry/Ron.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: And perhaps because of that, Molly writes that they unfortunately read the entire story with my Ron voice, which I sincerely apologise for, because this is actually a really sweet romance story with Ron comforting Harry after the like final battle.
Sequoia: Oh wow!
Kim: And it’s some really sweet romance, and my Ron voice has no place in it.
Sequoia: It’s dumb! [both laugh]
Kim: So it’s really cute and really sweet, and I really liked it, so thank you for sending that my way Molly. That link will be in the description along with that other nasty boy one.
Sequoia: [laughs] A full list of our recommendations is on our website.
Sequoia: You can also find there our story submission form, where you are going to be sending us some Harry/Pansy for our future Harry/Pansy experience.
Kim: But also probably that nasty shit. [both laugh] I do appreciate it. It’s very funny.
Sequoia: You can also find some merch. Go to our website, get some merch. The webs… the stuff that’s on our website currently, you can order it and we will send it as soon as we can go back to public places.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Sure. [laughs] And then…
Kim: Our TeePublic is also linked on our website. Go there, we have more designs.
Sequoia: On our social media, which you should be following for…
Kim: For story time.
Sequoia: …updates on our story time livestreams. We’re on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @Fanatical Fics.
Kim: Yep. [pause] Email us. Sorry.
Sequoia: [laughs] I wasn’t gonna help you. I wasn’t gonna help you out of that one.
Kim: Email us. Y’know, we have a list of things we’re demanding via email, mostly just fanfiction in various forms.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: Send them to us, fanaticalfics@gmail.com. [laughs] If you like this podcast, for whatever reason… hey, Sequoia, is this anything? It’s fine.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: If you like this podcast, you can help out this podcast in a few ways.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook, and we will shout you out sometime in the near to distant future.
Kim: Tell your friends about this podcast while we’re all locked in.
Sequoia: As long as you’re locked in, might as well listen to some garbage nonsense from us. [both laugh]
Kim: Now’s as good a time as any!
Sequoia: Now’s as goo… laughs
Kim: Also check our Patreon, we’ve got those discounted tiers for the next two months at least. Come hang out with us, our Discord is… doing our best. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, come do some trivia, come be a part of the book club, come hang out. It’ll be fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So, Patreon. We do have another Patreon perk.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: For a couple of our tiers, if you are a patron for six months or more we will do a little customised shout out for you on the podcast, and we’re gonna do those now.
Kim: Hey, Sean? I’m Zach, Zach Smith. I know we’ve never spoken before, but I know you saw it too. [Sequoia laughs] I saw you on the grounds the other night and I need to talk to someone about it! The way the willow’s branches were writhing everywhere, and that look on Professor Sprout’s face! [Sequoia laughing] I… I can’t stop thinking about it and… what? You thought it was… fun? Oh dear lord.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, what a pairing. Picture it. Draco Malfoy, the quiet artist. Harry Potter, the bold jock. [Kim laughs] Sworn enemies. Stuck together in detention. Can these two make it through one whole detention cleaning Professor Andrea’s greenhouses without speaking one word to each other? They’re gonna try. But when Harry tips over one of Andrea’s most prized magical plants, the air is filled with the pollen of the flowers of truth. And nothing will be left unsaid.
Kim: [laughs] Did Professor Andrea replace Professor Sprout after she wouldn’t stop having sex with the Whomping Willow?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! I was thinking about you writing about Professor Sprout and then I couldn’t stop thinking about greenhouses and that’s how we got here. Thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon. We really appreciate it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: You know what else we appreciate?
Sequoia: What else do we appreciate?
Kim: The Whomping Willows.
Sequoia: Ah yes. [both laugh]
Kim: For letting us use their excellent song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Both: Byeeeee!
Sequoia: Eh! Um! Ah!