Episode 71: Warriors of the Clan
Recommendation: A Fate Worse than Death
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847771/1/A-Fate-Worse-than-Death
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Transcriber: Kate D.
Transcriber: Stacy
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Episode 71: Warriors of the Clan
Kim: I’ve been thinking a lot about… recently, about that Harry and the Potters song, On the Importance of Media Literacy Under an Authoritarian Regime. Is that what it’s called?
Sequoia: Yeah, I think that’s what it’s called. It’s off Lumos.
Kim: It’s off their new album Lumos. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and just, like, you know when you see something inflammatory or divisive, or…?
Sequoia: Yeah, which we see a lot of…
Kim: Like, what’s the motivation of this article?
Sequoia: …right now.
Kim: Or this person saying this thing? And so, I’ve just been thinking about that song a lot. Put it on the playlist.
Sequoia: Great! I will. [Kim laughs] And think about your media consumption.
Kim: Yeah.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter Fan Fiction Podcast.
Sequoia: Hooray, it’s here! [both laugh]
Kim: Hooray, here we are!
Sequoia: Welcome to the pod. We’ve got a couple things to get into before we start reading some… stuff that I’m really excited to read. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Yeah? Okay, sure.
Sequoia: All right, let’s get into some stuff. First things first, we got an email, that I cried…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We got an email. I read it, I laughed so hard that I cried. [both laugh] We got an…
Kim: I kinda… you said that you cried… I kinda was thinking that maybe it had been so nice that you cried. No?
Sequoia: No, it was… I mean it was also… well, no.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: I mean, it was mean to Colin. Specifically. [both laugh] Which may have been the funniest part.
Kim: That’s always funny.
Sequoia: We got an email from somebody who works at an aquarium [Kim laughs] who really wanted to make sure that we knew that squid biology doesn’t work in such a way where, you know, the squid sex that we have seen thus far in the podcast was really plausible.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So they… they were very nice, attached a video.
Kim: Did you watch the video?
Sequoia: [laughs] I did not watch the video.
Kim: I was too scared to watch the video.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Please email us again if we… [laughs]
Kim: So we still don’t know how it actually works.
Sequoia: We still don’t know.
Kim: And I think I prefer it that way.
Sequoia: Yeah. Wow.
Kim: The mystery.
Sequoia: But I appreciate so much the willingness…
Kim: The effort…
Sequoia: To reach out and let us know that Colin is not a real squid biologist. [both laugh]
Kim: So listeners, Colin lied to you!
Sequoia: Colin lied to you.
Kim: Do not listen to Colin.
Sequoia: And he’ll continue to tell you that he’s a squid biologist. He’s gonna keep doing it.
Kim: He will continue to lie to us. He’s a liar. [laughs]
Sequoia: He’s a liar. He should not be believed. We also got another email from somebody who created a subreddit! A Fanatical Fics subreddit.
Kim: Yes! If you like Reddit and you want a place to hang out and talk about the pod…
Both: …go there.
Sequoia: It’s r/fanaticalfics and I guess we’ll also put a link in the description.
Kim: Sure. I mean, Reddit’s trash.
Sequoia: I’m a… I’m a mod. I’m a mod!
Kim: Reddit’s trash. I’m there every day. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Our Patreon subscribers in Discord have been roasting me because I don’t have any karma, but I’ve had an account for eight years.
Kim: Sure. Yeah.
Sequoia: But I don’t have any karma.
Kim: Yeah. But here’s the thing. Reddit’s trash.
Sequoia: [in a whiny voice] I don’t even know what karma is!
Kim: Reddit’s…
Sequoia: I don’t know how to get it! [both laugh]
Kim: Dude?
Sequoia: I don’t know what’s going on.
Kim: So if you like Reddit…
Sequoia: There. It’s there.
Kim: It’s there.
Sequoia: It’s there.
Kim: I know I’m yelling that Reddit’s trash but, you know…
Sequoia: It’s there.
Kim: …build a nice community there.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’d love that.
Kim: There’s an opportunity to do that.
Sequoia: I’ll be there sometimes, as a mama mod.
Kim: And I’m not going to make any claims that I’m gonna be there.
Sequoia: Speaking of Patreon, actually…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …our I got this for you tier of Patreon subscribers, some of them are reaching their time for their second piece of Patreon exclusive merch…
Kim: They certainly are.
Sequoia: …and they will be getting a buddy cop movie poster featuring Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey.
Kim: [squeals slightly] I’m very excited about this piece of merch.
Sequoia: Very excited.
Kim: We’ve been workshopping taglines.
Sequoia: Mhm. Workshop… well, we’ve been texting each other in all caps. I don’t think that… I don’t…
Kim: Workshopping taglines!
Sequoia: [laughs] As a brainstorming session that’s weird. I love it. Yeah, we got some… we’re getting the art from our wonderful artist…
Kim: Ptchew!
Sequoia: …and merch designer Ptchew, Alex, who does all of our merch and also hosts the podcast Sorted.
Kim: Tagline…
Both: …not a Harry Potter podcast.
Sequoia: It is a Harry Potter podcast, though. [both laugh] So we just wanted to announce that and then of course Yes!! [whispering] Glitter!!!
Kim: Yes!! Glitter!!! So I’ve asked for a lot of things of late and you are all answering my questions very well.
Sequoia: Just delivering! Just delivering!
Kim: But I’d like to… I’d like to go back… pull it back a little bit. [Sequoia laughs] We are also looking for crack fanfiction.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah! We haven’t… we have yet to really receive much fanfiction.
Kim: So I’m gonna give you all a prompt for you to write me something.
Sequoia: Oh! A prompt? Oh shit.
Kim: Here’s a crack fic prompt for you if maybe somebody wants to fulfil this. Harry goes back in time and makes out with Salazar Slytherin.
Sequoia: [laughs] Please write that. Please, somebody, write that for us.
Kim: So we are also looking for crack fic…
Both: [singing] …summariiiies!
Sequoia: Ooh, nice throwback.
Kim: So if you want to write any of those, send them in to our email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com, with the subject… somewhere in the subject, Yes!!
Both: Glitter!!! [both chuckle]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Oh man. I think we have one more thing we need to cover.
Sequoia: We do, we do. And it’s… we are just… reviews are rolling in.
Kim: No, it’s not reviews.
Sequoia: It’s not?
Kim: We can’t get to reviews yet, we have one more…
Sequoia: We have to… we have one more thing?
Kim: One more engagement thing.
Sequoia: Oh, we do have one more engagement thing.
Kim: We got a tweet recently, from someone who is desperately looking for a particular fanfiction.
Sequoia: Oh, yes!
Kim: And I am putting the call out to you, our dear listeners, to help this person.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: They are looking for a fanfiction where Lavender has Ron’s baby, so he breaks off his engagement with Hermione, who then gets with Draco.
Sequoia: And apparently there is a scene in Hagrid’s hut.
Kim: Yes. They… we’ve gotten a couple is this it?s and…
Sequoia: It hasn’t been it yet.
Kim: They say there was… they distinctly remember a scene taking place in Hagrid’s hut. If this is ringing any bells in your head, if you know what this is, let us know so we can help this person.
Sequoia: Yes, absolutely.
Kim: Help this person. [laughs] All right, let’s do reviews!
Sequoia: Let’s do reviews! Let’s do it.
Kim: Shout out to Kamy1899, who says they frightened an old man on the train into switching seats away from them by getting too hyped about the podcast. [Sequoia laughs] Which is amazing, yes. But also, Kamy? I need an Azerbaijan local fun fact.
Sequoia: [laughs] Give us your regional fun facts! [both laugh]
Kim: Can’t just mention that you’re from somewhere neat…
Sequoia: And then not give us a regional fun fact! Shout out to cabin13cosplayer, who says ALL of our fic recommendations are ALWAYS good? And I think it’s maybe not ALL of them and not ALWAYS, but they are good and everyone should read them. [laughs]
Kim: I like most of them. You’ve recced some questionable…
Sequoia: I think it’s… it’s my fault. [both laugh]
Kim: Shout out to I’manerd2024, who found out about the pod from Mugglecast.
Sequoia: Oooh!
Kim: And I hope that you, listener, have enjoyed our efforts to collect all of their hosts.
Sequoia: [laughs] Collect them all! Shout out to kayyyyyymoooooo [both laugh] who has requested, as many others have, that we do more HP D&D style actual play stuff and [mysteriously] I mean, I guess you’ll have to see if we do that. [makes verbal nudge and wink noises]
Kim: Hmm. Uh huh. [Sequoia laughs] All right. Shout out to Mrs. Badger, who asks us to never change but also asks for more Dramione and I’m not sure that’s possible. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shout out to Charlie needs love, who responded to a deleted review that had said that they were our youngest fan at eleven years old…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …and then this listener needed to make sure that they knew that we knew that they were also eleven years old…
Kim: NO.
Sequoia: [devolving] …so apparently a lot of eleven year olds listen to the podcast.
Kim: [cries] The deleted review’s username did include an 09 in it…
Sequoia: Oh wow.
Kim: …which is horrifying to think about.
Sequoia: That’s when we graduated from high school! Oh my god, my chest is tightening.
Kim: You didn’t have to say that out loud. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah. When I first saw this review, these two reviews, I think I had a little bit of an existential crisis.
Sequoia: I’m aware.
Kim: I was like, maybe it’s time to cancel the podcast. [Sequoia laughs] I can’t handle the thought that children are listening to this. Unsupervised. So! I actually…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …I had almost forgotten that I was going to bring this up when we hit these reviews.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: If you are under thirteen and listening to the podcast, you do need to mail us a signed permission form from your parents.
Sequoia: Mhm. Our web… our address is on our website. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s a throwback. How’s that?
Sequoia: Heyyy. [both laugh] Incredible. All right, that’s it for reviews, so let’s go ahead and… shall we? To the fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah. Let’s do this.
Sequoia: All right, so I did end up cutting this fanfiction…
Kim: I’m excited for you.
Sequoia: …as much as I possibly could, and then I texted Kim and I was like, I can’t get it any shorter [Kim giggles] but I HAVE to read this!
Kim: And I was like, fine, we’ll just do two.
Sequoia: And then I was like no it can’t… it can’t be two, because it’s just the beginning of a story.
Kim: Mhm. That’s fair.
Sequoia: There’s your hint. I guess.
Kim: I don’t think that’s a hint.
Sequoia: No, I guess it’s not really a hint, but it’s just the beginning of a story…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …so it couldn’t really sustain two episodes, so we’re just gonna kinda have a long episode today.
Kim: Yeah. That’s fair. Here we go!
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh] Okay. Will you give me predictions? And, listeners, please send your predictions to us on Twitter, #FanficDivination, or respond to our Instagram story, and I have been reposting some of those on Instagram. On our Instagram story.
Kim: We get a lot of them and they are very good.
Sequoia: They are so good.
Kim: Also, if you’re a Patron, post them in the Discord.
Sequoia: All right. Here we go! Predictions for a story entitled Warriors of the Clan. [laughs]
Kim: Oh my god. What?
Sequoia: And, okay, here’s the thing, is that imma… imma do… I’m… so it says it’s just humor.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: But I am going to add a second tag.
Kim: Oh! This is something we haven’t done before.
Sequoia: I’m gonna say humor/adventure.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Is what I’m gonna say.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Because I feel like humor is not helpful.
Kim: Warriors of the Clan?
Sequoia: Warriors of the Clan.
Kim: [whispering] Yikes.
Sequoia: Humor/adventure.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: You piece of shit.
Sequoia: And when I say post Half Blood Prince…
Kim: You piece of shit.
Sequoia: …I mean like three months before Deathly Hallows was released. [cackles]
Kim: You piece of absolute shit.
Sequoia: I’m so excited about this fanfiction.
Kim: My first prediction is that we do not meet any warriors from any clan. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Excellent! That’s my fucking favorite prediction.
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: So good.
Kim: My second prediction is that, um, Harry is part of the clan and it is a ninja clan. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. All right. Great. Excellent. Good.
Kim: And my third prediction… this is the first thing that I actually thought of, because it’s YOU. I… and my brain was like… warriors? There a series of books when we were like youngish called Warriors that was about cats?
Sequoia: Oh my god, yeah. There was.
Kim: That. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Just… [laughs]
Kim: Just a bunch of… just some cat stuff. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Is that sufficient?
Sequoia: [still laughing] Sure. Sure, I’ll let you predict that.
Kim: Cat stuff?
Sequoia: Cat stuff. That’s fine. That’s fine! [Kim fake cries] Ugh. Fucking here we go. Yes. I love this story. [both giggle] I’ve got to keep it in. I’ve got to keep it inside. I’m not allowed to cry too much with my new eyelash extensions. [both laugh] Woo. Okay. Here we go.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: All right. I’d like to bring you all to a different place in time. No. All right, here we go. Warriors of the Clan.
Kim: It’s 2007. [laughs]
Sequoia: It’s 2007. No one knows quite knows it happened, but sometime in the late spring of 1984, the Wizarding World changed forever.
Kim: I mean, I know how it happened. Voldemort came back, like, that’s… oh no. Late spring of ninety four?
Sequoia: Of eighty four.
Kim: Oh eighty four! Okay, I’m not listening.
Sequoia: You’re not listening. [both laugh] Step one, LISTEN WHEN I READ THE STORY. [laughs]
Kim: I heard ninety four. Sorry.
Sequoia: Nineteen eighty four.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Late spring.
Kim: I don’t know what happened in eighty four.
Sequoia: Because I’m about to tell you.
Kim: FINE!
Sequoia: [laughs] The Wizarding World changed forever, and yet no one noticed for several days.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: One might think that such an immense change would have been noticeable, but it was not.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: The world changed, not with a bang, but a whimper.
Kim: Okay. This is cool.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah! This is a good intro! This is a good intro! Good intro! [both chuckle] Sorry.
Kim: You’re too excited.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m sorry. I’m trying to rein it in. A little boy, not even four years old…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …cried out for help. And something answered.
Kim: Oh no. Ohhhh noooo.
Sequoia: [laughs] What do you think… what do you think “something” is? Something answered. [vaguely British but also old ladyish voice] A young boy cried out into the darkness. Help! And something answered. [normal voice] What was something? [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know. It’s nothing good. I have no guesses.
Sequoia: [still laughing] I dunno. I dunno! Okay, we’ll see. We’ll see.
Kim: I could… okay. It could… I have no guesses, because it could literally be anything! Is it a warrior of the clan? [Sequoia laughs] Fuck, man!
Sequoia: I’m gonna say it was probably a warrior of the clan.
Kim: [sighs] Okay. Continue.
Sequoia: So. When the first person noticed three days later, she just said, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And slammed the cupboard closet. She and her fam…
Kim: Woah, woah, woah. Okay, so wait. Wait a second.
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: Are we in an AU where Harry DIED?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, here’s the thing, is we are… we are DEEP in an AU, friends.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: This is wowzah.
Kim: Okay, so Harry… like, four year old Harry…
Sequoia: Four year old Harry.
Kim: …cried out for help…
Sequoia: Cried out for help.
Kim: …and something took him?
Sequoia: And something took him.
Kim: Awesome!
Sequoia: [laughs] I love this story so much! I love this story so much!
Kim: Oh man, I really hope it’s Remus and Sirius and they take him and they raise him as their own and then they kiss.
Sequoia: Ideal. [both laugh] Honestly? Ideal. That is NOT going to happen by any stretch of the imagination.
Kim: [groans] Oh, I’m so sad. I love those stories.
Sequoia: By the time the first wizard knew their world had changed, it was too late to detect what exactly had happened.
Kim: Hmm. They didn’t notice that Harry was gone for a few days.
Sequoia: Harry Potter had been missing for three months.
Kim: Holy shit!
Sequoia: They didn’t notice for three months. No wizard noticed for three months. Isn’t someone watching? People are watching!
Kim: Clearly… I don’t think they’re watching him that closely. Honestly, I believe it. I think Mrs. Figg is checking in occasionally?
Sequoia: Yeah, but there’s no reason for her to check in a lot.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Especially when he’s a baby and doesn’t need to leave the house.
Kim: And also, like, they didn’t notice the depth of the abuse that was happening.
Sequoia: Exactly. So yeah, this checks out.
Kim: For eleven years.
Sequoia: Harry Potter had been missing for three months, having disappeared from a locked cupboard.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Seven years passed.
Kim: I mean, it was probably locked from the outside, so…
Sequoia: Oh, it was definitely locked from the outside. Yeah.
Kim: They just unlocked it and locked it.
Sequoia: Right. [both laugh] Okay. I guess that checks out. Maybe you needed a key of some kind.
Kim: There’s magic.
Sequoia: Okay, great. [laughs]
Kim: So seven years have passed since then.
Sequoia: Seven years passed from then.
Kim: Mhmk. They did not find Harry in that time.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Good. Good job. Good job, Dumbledore. Nice work, Dumbledore.
Sequoia: He’s very well hidden. [laughs] He’s so well hidden, you guys. And the people of the wizarding world grew less hopeful every year that their savior might one day be found.
Kim: I mean, they didn’t know he was their… only, like, a couple people knew he was supposed… he was like, prophesied to be a savior. So.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s true.
Kim: They were just like, oh, that… that Potter kid disappeared, that sucks.
Sequoia: But he was also real… like, the baby that defeated the Dark Lord. He’s still the baby who defeated the Dark Lord.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like who the fuck cares? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, fine. Hot take, but whatever.
Kim: Harry Potter? Never heard of him! [Sequoia laughs] Says Draco. What?
Sequoia: What? [laughs] I mean, maybe not at this point.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Minerva… Okay, no. Passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Passage of time. Space. Whatever.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Minerva McGonagall sat at her desk, sorting through all of her paperwork. It was time once again for letters to be sent to prospective students. As she worked her way through the stack of envelopes to be sent, her eyes looked for Harry Potter’s name, hoping that he would be somewhere in her pile, found at last.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Which opens up a lot of interesting things.
Kim: Yep, that’s… there’s a lot of questions right there. There’s a lot to unpack.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Does she lick every envelope?
Sequoia: [laughs] Not where I was going.
Kim: What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Does… I guess does, like, magic, is like, hey, I’ve detected magic?
Kim: Yeah, yeah. There’s a magical book that their names get written in when they show signs of magic.
Sequoia: Yeah. Something like that. [pause] Cool. [both laugh] I guess it wasn’t a lot of questions.
Kim: I mean, I guess why wouldn’t… she’s the one making these envelopes, why is she wondering?
Sequoia: Just like…
Kim: I guess she was just, like, copying them by route, not even thinking about what she was writing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: She’s like, wait a second, was Harry in there?
Sequoia: Oh, she’s about to… wait a second.
Kim: [murmuring] Oh no.
Sequoia: She had sorted all of the letters but one, and her spirits were falling. Just a glance showed her it was not the name she sought. It was…
Kim: Oh no. Harry has a new name today?
Sequoia: [on the verge of bursting into laughter] Harry has a new name today.
Kim: Oh dear. Did they add… okay. Did they add a bunch of nick… of middle names or did he get an entirely new first name and is it Alex? It’s usually Alex.
Sequoia: I don’t know… I've never read a fanfic where Harry was named Alex.
Kim: It’s usually Alex in the time period I’m in. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, great. That’s not this time period.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And also, it’s neither of those things.
Kim: Oh, okay! Wait, what? [laughs]
Sequoia: It was only as she compared it to her list that she was broken out of the half trance state she had fallen into.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: This letter was not addressed to anyone on her list…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …but to the name Slamskull.
Kim: [laughs softly] Fuck. Fuck, what? Oh shit. What? Oh shit. What?
Sequoia: [really on the verge of bursting into laughter] Care of…
Kim: Shit. What?
Sequoia: Care of…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …Gringotts Bank, London, England. [begins to sob]
Kim: [also sobbing] Shit.
Sequoia: Oh no, are you gonna start crying? Don’t keep it in!
Kim: [sobbing harder] AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! [both cry laugh for an extended period of time]
Sequoia: [Kim still sobbing softly in the background] This story contains more beauty than I could possibly have ever hoped for or dreamt of. [laughs]
Kim: [between sniffles] No. No. No. NO.
Sequoia: He was very well hidden! [Kim continues to sob softly] Whoo. Would you like me to proceed?
Kim: NO! That’s enough. I think we can…
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s the end of the episode! Goodbye! Podcast is over forever. Aw man. I love this story so much. [laughs]
Kim: [sighs] Please continue. [Sequoia laughs] I’m. like, still having full body chills, I think.
Sequoia: [laughing] I love this story so much.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: At first it seemed so preposterous. Goblins did not care to learn wizard magic.
Kim: Goblins are explicitly forbidden from learning wizard magic…
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: …by the Ministry of Magic, because fuck them.
Sequoia: Well, we’re just pretending that that’s not a thing in this story today.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: And yet…
Kim: Because it is fucked up. That’s fucked up shit.
Sequoia: It’s very bad. No, it’s ver… wizards are bad, man. Wizards are very bad.
Kim: Eat the wizards! [Sequoia laughs loudly] Hey, can I have a t-shirt that says…
Both: …eat the wizards?!
Kim: Wait a second.
Sequoia: That’s my immediate thought! No! All right, great. [both laugh] And yet, perhaps she needed to talk to the headmaster, and if none of these Muggleborn wizards turned out to be Potter under a new name… dot. Dot. Dot. [whispering] A passage of time. [both laugh]
Kim: I mean, so… yeah, okay. Somebody… somebody from Hogwarts hand delivers the Muggleborn letters?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So they are gonna go check those.
Sequoia: Yeah. So they can… they would be able to figure it out, probably.
Kim: Pretty quickly.
Sequoia: Yeah, mhm.
Kim: Oh, this is… Harry’s a goblin now, or whatever.
Sequoia: Harry’s a goblin now. He’s a warrior of the clan, if you will. [laughs]
Kim: That’s not… oh my god. Oh my god. What the fuck? Please continue.
Sequoia: [sings] A passage of tiiime!
Kim: I shouldn’t have made such outlandish these are what the warriors are gonna be predictions. [Sequoia laughs] Should have just predicted that Harry gets a new name.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Much smarter.
Sequoia: You also, you said… you were like, I predict that Harry will be a warrior of the clan…
Both: …and that the clans are ninjas!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I felt like Harry’s gonna be a member of the clan wasn’t enough. Come on. Obviously.
Sequoia: I guess I wouldn’t have been able to take that one.
Kim: Obviously Harry’s gonna be part of the clan.
Sequoia: Yeah. Of course he is.
Kim: Whenever we have… you tagged it adventure explicitly.
Sequoia: I did.
Kim: Harry’s gonna have something happen to him.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yup. Adventure time. Okay, there was a passage of time…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …and now we’re doing another thing.
Kim: Now we’re at Gringotts?
Sequoia: Yeah. Kind of. Well, hold for the text.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Negotiating with the goblins of Gringotts was difficult at the best of times, but when one wanted something from the Goblin Nation itself… Albus Dumbledore sighed and rubbed his temples slowly. Also, okay, I just have to take an aside for a second and just, like, point out how well this story is written.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s SO good!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay, great. I… and I…
Kim: They’re doing a great job.
Sequoia: I had to go through and cut out like, some of the more, like, detaily things.
Kim: Less plot important parts?
Sequoia: Yeah, mhm. And I just, like, this story’s great. Anyway.
Kim: Yeah, no. They’re doing a great job. They’ve done something amazing!
Sequoia: Oh! Who comes up with this?!
Kim: So good!
Sequoia: I’m dead. The first response he received to the Hogwarts admittance letter simply stated that Slamskull did not wish to leave his post.
Kim: [snorts] What the fuck JOB does eleven year old Harry have? I’m sorry.
Sequoia: I dunno, you wanna guess? Tell me what job he has. At Gringotts Bank.
Kim: Is he… a dragon guard? A dragon tamer? A dragon trainer? A dragon…
Sequoia: I’m making facial expressions at you at random.
Kim: Arrrgh!
Sequoia: You’re not getting warmer.
Kim: Okay, you’re making faces that implied I was getting anything.
Sequoia: I mean, you were kind of close the first time.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Cause, it… it does… it’s not explicit, but it also… we’ll get there. We’ll get there.
Kim: Continue please. Continue.
Sequoia: Persuasive letters stressing the opportunities that would be opened to him were answered with assertions that he could not leave his two comrades, who had only just earned their names and were not yet fit for guard duty on their own. So Harry’s got like… he’s… he’s guarding…
Both: …something.
Kim: And he’s got two younger goblins who he’s friends with, who he’s mentoring.
Sequoia: He’s mentoring.
Kim: Harry is eleven.
Sequoia: He’s… yes. He is.
Kim: Ish. He’s actually probably ten at this point.
Sequoia: He is an eleven… he is a ten year old…
Kim: Harry’s ten.
Sequoia: …human child. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. Yes, he is.
Sequoia: And he not only is a guard…
Kim: I’m sorry, we’re… we’re saying Harry…
Both: Slamskull.
Sequoia: Apologies to the Goblin Nation.
Kim: Apologies to Slamskull.
Sequoia: [laughs] Slamskull has two… he’s like a superior…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …to the two underling goblins…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …who have just earned their names, mind you.
Kim: Harry… Harry Pooootter.
Sequoia: His name is not Harry Potter.
Kim: Yeah, but he’s still Harry.
Both: He’s still Harry!
Kim: Like, have you seen Harry? Have you seen…
Sequoia: He’s just a small… he’s small… he’s a small little human child. What is he guarding?! What could he possibly be guarding?!
Kim: And how? He’s ten.
Sequoia: But he can’t possibly leave that post.
Kim: Have you seen a ten year old?
Sequoia: Whatever… whatever he’s guarding has to be…
Kim: I think even I could squish a ten year old.
Sequoia: [laughs] Probably? Whoo. He was told that Slamskull was responsible for them and that it was his duty to his Clan to make sure they behaved honorably.
Kim: I mean, that’s all well and good, but I think that having an untrained wizard IS dangerous.
Sequoia: Yeah! Which I feel like is something they should know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But they don’t.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They have trained him to guard something.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And apparently to be a supervisor of new people assigned to such a role. The ten year old human boy. [laughs]
Kim: Oh dear. This is excellent. What is happening?
Sequoia: This is literally so great.
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: Dumbledore immediately offered to take all three as students.
Kim: Okay. That does not fix the they’re guarding something problem.
Sequoia: No, apparently somebody else can guard the something, but Harry’s the only one that can be the superior to the two… nope! Doesn’t work! [laughs]
Kim: Mhmk.
Sequoia: Nope. Dumbledore is just gonna take this…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: This small boy…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and two small goblins to learn magic at Hogwarts. [both laugh] There is…
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man! That’s so nothing! [both laugh] Excellent.
Sequoia: Dumbledore immediately offered to take all three as students. Surely three trained magicians would be a noteworthy addition to the Clan’s history, and that was when the negotiations started.
Kim: Okay. Wait, did they not…? Okay, fine.
Sequoia: They’re like, eh, uh, eh, like, I see. I see what you’ve put forward here.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …what if…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Sure. Fine. Goblins are like Ferengi. End of thought. [Sequoia laughs] I know I’m not gonna get anything from you, and I will stop the thought there.
Sequoia: Oh, that must be a Star Trek reference that I don’t get. Initially when the headmaster entered the bank, he had assumed they merely wanted to negotiate some form of group rate, or a discount on boarding fees. Because goblins are small…er than people? Maybe they…
Kim: Put ‘em in a bunk bed?
Sequoia: Yeah, they just take up less physical room…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So they shouldn’t have to pay as much…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …to go to Hogwarts.
Kim: Yeah. [pause] Do people pay to go to Hogwarts?
Sequoia: This story assumes that you pay to go to Hogwarts. I assume that you don’t, that it’s public education, but you also have to pay for all of your own shit.
Kim: Supplies and stuff. Do you pay to… hey, listeners! Do you pay to go to Hogwarts?
Sequoia: [laughs] Tweet at us! Instead, he found that the Goblin Nation wanted him to purchase a contract hiring the three as guards.
Kim: [laughs] Actually no, we’re not gonna pay you to go to Hogwarts.
Both: You’re gonna pay US…
Kim: …to send our people to Hogwarts.
Sequoia: These three to Hogwarts.
Kim: And they’re gonna guard Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Something. They’re gonna… well, I mean, it’s never clear what they guard in the first place.
Kim: Okay, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.
Sequoia: They’re just guards.
Kim: They’re guarding whatever, and at Hogwarts, also guarding whatever.
Sequoia: Also whatever. But also going to school, but also…
Both: …guarding.
Kim: On guard! At all times. Constantly.
Both: Constant vigilance! [both laugh]
Sequoia: They wanted to purchase a contract hiring the three as guards… for a term of seven years…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …because this schooling would mean they could not pursue other forms of employment.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Dumbledore immediately brought up…
Kim: Gotta pay them for their lost wages.
Sequoia: Yeah! Because they’re working right now.
Kim: I mean, what if you count it more as like an unpaid internship? Because you are providing them education, so I think it’s more like… please continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] Were you waiting for me to cut you off?
Kim: Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, that was not gonna happen. Dumbledore immediately brought up tuition, room and board, and the fact that two of them were (by their own admission) unfit for guard duty. [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They’re like, yeah, those guys are still in training.
Kim: Like, I’m not gonna pay…
Sequoia: I can’t…
Kim: I’ll pay you like half…
Sequoia: They take up less space! The negotiations raged for several hours, every item on the perspective contract argued over and enumerated with precision. Eventually terms were settled and a deal was struck.
Kim: Harry would be such a terrible goblin!
Sequoia: [laughs] They just… they trained him really well…
Kim: Yeah, I guess.
Sequoia: …for like this one thing. This sort of one, vague…
Kim: I mean, he’s been… he has been raised in an entirely different context.
Sequoia: That’s true, they took him when he was four.
Kim: I just don’t see Harry being a good negotiator.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah
Kim: Under any circumstances.
Sequoia: I would say that at a point in this story we will learn that Harry has no interest in negotiating anything at any time.
Kim: Okayyy! Please continue!
Sequoia: [laughs] Eventually a deal was struck, so now we are going to have a passage of time.
Kim: Sure. Okay!
Sequoia: [whispering] A passage of time. Precisely at ten forty five am on the first of September, three trunks, two goblins, and one human child arrived by portkey on platform nine and three quarters.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: They boarded the train with the utmost decorum and no fanfare. They found an empty compartment…
Kim: I mean, there probably was, from some people, like, what are those goblins doing? What?
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re about to learn that they’re also wearing full armor. [laughs] So I really…
Kim: Okay, I think it’s probably fair to say that there’s no FANFARE, but probably a lot of like…
Both: …what the…
Kim: …fuck?
Sequoia: …holy shit? Then you would also think that it just, like, spreads through the, like…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: People are going compartment to compartment being like, did you fucking see that? [both laugh] Does that boy think he’s a goblin?
Kim: One thing that I appreciate about this story is usually in… in stories like this we get a Diagon Alley sequence. I’m glad they do skip that.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. Yeah, we don’t need it.
Kim: It’s always nice when we get to skip some of the stuff that we already know how it happens.
Sequoia: ‘Cause it usually ends in the Diagon Alley sequence and we never get to Hogwarts. But we will get to Hogwarts.
Kim: Yes. Yes. We’re lucky if we can get on the train, even.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: We’re gonna get to Hogwarts, though?
Sequoia: Oh, we’re gonna get all the way to Hogwarts.
Kim: Nice! Find these stories that get us a little bit farther every time.
Sequoia: Every time! And one day… no.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: They found an empty compartment and stowed their things before breaking out a game that consisted of a board, tiles decorated with glyphs, and, for some reason, dice.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: The train had been rolling…
Kim: Fine. Whatever. They’re playing a game.
Sequoia: They’re playing a game
Kim: A game.
Sequoia: They’re playing a weird game that nobody else is gonna be able to understand ‘cause they’re like…
Kim: I’m kind of surprised… I’m kind of surprised that there’s no stabbing in the game. Why are they wearing full armor?
Sequoia: They’re warriors! They’re always wearing full armor. They’re… they left their house, so they’re wearing full armor.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: They’re gonna wear full armor to every class.
Kim: We don’t see any goblins wearing full… never mind, it doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: No, they’re warriors though. They’re different. We’ve seen accountants.
Kim: Okay. Ohhhhh!
Sequoia: We have not seen warriors.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This is a different experience.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: The train had been rolling for around an hour, and the game just beginning to become interesting, when a young girl with bushy hair entered their compartment. She was a bit surprised…
Kim: This is not gonna go well for Hermione.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be fine.
Kim: No. No way. I mean, the first thing we usually get in Harry AU stories where Harry’s this different, is he SHITS on his old fr… on his real friends.
Sequoia: That’s true. That is what we usually get.
Kim: Please continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] She was a bit surprised to see the occupants of the compartment dressed in shining armor and playing a board game.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, that’s a little weird. Correct.
Sequoia: Do you know… why do they need armor to play this board game? Hmm. And Hermione’s like, eh, whatever. I’m new to magic, magic’s… magic is weird.
Kim: Yeah. Maybe this is normal!
Sequoia: This could be normal. She doesn’t know! But recovered quickly enough. “I’m sorry to bother you, but have any of you seen a toad?” she asked politely.
Kim: Aw. Yeah.
Sequoia: [pauses] I don’t know. I don’t even know… I don’t know what Harry voice to do here. I’m not gonna do one because… ‘cause… ‘cause… ‘cause…
Kim: Don’t try. Don’t try.
Sequoia: “No we haven’t,” Slamskull told her.
Kim: [whisper laughs] Slamskull.
Sequoia: Slamskull!
Kim: Oh, Slamskull.
Sequoia: Good old… my good buddy Slamskull.
Kim: Slamskull! He’s so funny!
Sequoia: He’s… he’s SO funny! [laughs] The smaller of the two goblins piped up at this point, “But don’t worry, miss, if we see it, we’ll…”
Kim: Stab it!
Sequoia: “...kill it for you!”
Kim: Oh god, he just…
Both: [laugh] Heyyy!
Kim: We’re warriors! We kill toads!
Sequoia: We got it. We have it under control. We will…
Kim: Head on a swivel.
Sequoia: [laughing] Head on a sw… [laughs]
Kim: We will guard this train compartment.
Sequoia: As we would guard… stuff.
Kim: Whatever it is we guard at the bank.
Sequoia: They guard, like, the janitor’s closet. [laughs]
Kim: Yes, child goblins. Go guard… go guard the… I don’t know. Fuck. Go guard that stalagmite.
Sequoia: Go guard something. It’s just a game they’ve been playing the whole time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like a child’s game.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They’re like, no! I cannot leave my post and go to Hogwarts.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And the goblins are like, well, that’s a good enough excuse for me. That good for you? Yup.
Kim: We could get Dumbledore to pay US? [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Don’t worry, miss!”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She looked shocked and was about to correct him when the other assured her, “Oh, we may not look it, but we are proud warriors of Clan Gringotts!” Now… I’m as… just… never mind. I can’t.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No, I can’t. I can’t.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This is gonna give… I can’t give too much away!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “We are proud warriors of Clan Gringotts! A mere toad will stand no chance against our might. You will be safe here.” [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] But we will charge you a guard fee.
Sequoia: [laughs] We charge X amount per hour, depending on the size of our foe, so actually this is a pretty…
Kim: Any… no, any actual fights they get into is on top of the regular guard fee.
Sequoia: Oh! Right, right, right, right, right. Okay. There’s like a guard flat fee.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then we… charges happen post…
Kim: A violence fee. Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. That makes sense. I think that’s a good business plan. [both laugh] “No! I don’t want you to kill it! I’m just trying to find it,” she gushed. “You don’t?” Slamskull asked with a puzzled look.
Kim: Why would you not want us to kill everything?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I feel like, why does the toad… does it present a threat?
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: “Why do you seek this toad?
Kim: We don’t seek things except to kill them.
Sequoia: [laughs] They’re warriors! They’re wearing full armor! They’ve really… they’ve got to take advantage of it somehow!
Kim: Full armor’s got to be so heavy for a ten year old. I mean, eleven year old. I guess he’s eleven now.
Sequoia: I only assume… can only assume the goblins are like nine.
Kim: Right? They’ve got to be even younger, unless goblins age at a different rate. No, they’ve got to be even younger.
Sequoia: They’re… no. They’re… they’re small children.
Kim: They’re babies. They’re like five year old goblins.
Sequoia: Oh no. [high pitched voice] We’ll do it, miss! “Oh, this boy I was talking to, Neville Longbottom, he’s lost it. It’s his pet.”
Kim: Anyone that loses anything deserves death!
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Wait, are they Ferengi or Klingons? Kind of a combination of the two?
Sequoia: Oh jeez. Oh man.
Kim: Where’s Colin?!
Sequoia: I did not sign up for this. [laughs]
Kim: Colin would play with me!
Sequoia: I know. I won’t. [Kim laughs] “Ah, Clan Longbottom. An honorable Clan, if such things can be said of wizards. Their warriors fought well.”
Kim: Uhhhhhhh.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: He’s… Harry’s…
Kim: Slamskull.
Sequoia: I mean, Slamskull is praising Clan Longbottom for their…
Kim: Fighting well in WHAT fight?
Sequoia: The war.
Kim: What war? Against Voldemort?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The goblins didn’t fight in that.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: They were like fuck all, ya’ll! I hope you ALL die!
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm. I mean…
Kim: ‘Cause you all suck!
Sequoia: I think the most important part of this line is that he said if such things can be said of wizards.
Kim: Yeah, wizards suck! Eat the…
Sequoia: [laughing] Eat them? Goddamnit. [both laugh] No, HE’S a wizard!
Kim: Sequoia, it’s 2020, we eat wizards now.
Sequoia: [laughs] Fine! I will move forward in this story! Slamskull placed another tile on the board and smiled as his companions groaned. “What Clan do you hail from, young miss?”
Kim: They speak real weird.
Sequoia: Real weird.
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: It’s fine. The girl had to consider the question for a moment, then extended her hand. “My name is Hermione Granger and I am the first witch of my family.”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Who are you?” Slamskull took her hand and touched it to his forehead…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …as he bowed deeply.
Kim: Okay. [both laugh]
Sequoia: There’s like a sort of like a pressing it against probably like a… real greasy forehead. He’s probably sweating a lot.
Kim: He’s very sweaty ‘cause it’s very hot!
Both: Full armor! [laugh]
Sequoia: Like a real sweaty forehead touch. Oh jeez. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice. Weird.
Sequoia: “Then may your Clan prosper, Clan Chief Granger. I am Slamskull.”
Kim: [squeaking with laughter] This is so weird.
Sequoia: “These are my denmates and comrades.” Are you ready for their names?
Kim: No!
Sequoia: You’re not. You are not.
Kim: Clearly not.
Sequoia: You are clearly not ready for their names.
Kim: I cry… I cried when you said Slamskull, so I mean, like… continue.
Sequoia: Okay, so we got the first one. “These are my comrades [pause] Flipstaff…”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “...and [pauses again] Jeff the Mighty.”
Kim: Woo! Woo, woo woooooo! [both laugh uncontrollably] I’m sweating. I’m sweating! [shrieks] Ahhhh!
Sequoia: Yo, that’s my boy Jeff the Mighty!
Kim: Okay, no, that’s funny… to me in particular… when, oh my god.
Sequoia: Are you thinking of story time?
Kim: Yeah, the first camp… D&D campaign I ever played in, my husband played as a dragonborn named Jeffey.
Sequoia: Oh, okay! [laughs] Jeff The Mighty.
Kim: Oh, Jeffey.
Sequoia: Good ole…
Kim: Jeffey had mommy issues. [Sequoia laughs] Well, they were parental abandonment issues.
Sequoia: Oh wow!
Kim: He covered them up by worshiping the dark god Bane. Anyway!
Sequoia: Anyway!
Kim: Jeff the Mighty!
Sequoia: Jeff the Mighty’s here. And Flipstaff.
Kim: Flipstaff is fine.
Sequoia: Flipstaff’s fine, but Jeff the Mighty. Whoo. Whoo yeah.
Kim: Jeff.
Sequoia: “We are warriors of Clan Gringotts.”
Kim: Jeff the Mighty of Gringotts.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Oh, well, it was nice to meet you all, but I should help Neville find his toad.”
Kim: [high pitched, mocking voice] I should go. Maybe I should… [both mumble in high pitched voices for a moment] [still high pitched] Is it hot in here?
Sequoia: I’m sweating. You’re sweating a lot! I’m also sweating, weird. Is it hot in this compartment? I should leave! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “I’m sure we’ll get the chance to talk again later.” She left the compartment and let them return to their game.
Kim: Mhm. Which Slamskull won handily.
Sequoia: Of course he did. He’s a good six to one year older than them. [both laugh]
Kim: Six… he’s older… yup.
Sequoia: Undetermined.
Kim: Undetermined age. But yes. Continue.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: The sorting was an interesting event, when it eventually got under way.
Kim: [sighs] Oh no.
Sequoia: The students were forced to wait a while as three of their new classmates decided that sitting in a boat was not nearly enough challenge…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and chose to swim across the lake instead.
Kim: In their full plate armor?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: No they fucking didn’t.
Sequoia: Yes they did.
Kim: No they didn’t fucking didn’t!.
Sequoia: They did! [screams] They’re warriors of the clan!
Kim: They sank to the bottom of the lake and DIED. [Sequoia laughs] Jesus.
Sequoia: They chose to swim across the lake instead.
Kim: The squid ATE them.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think mostly the squid ate them.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Yeah. Anyway. They refused any help…
Kim: Are they gonna get sorted into a fifth house? God, I hope they get sorted into a fifth house.
Sequoia: I can’t tell you that.
Kim: Or they refuse to get sorted.
Sequoia: I can’t tell you that.
Kim: Oh, give me… give me a disaster sorting, Sequoia.
Sequoia: They refused any help and did not even let the professors dry them off when they reached the other side.
Kim: They did not reach the other side.
Sequoia: They were proud of their chills and proud to have proven themselves stronger than their classmates. [Kim sighs] The thing we came up with earlier where they were just like children playing a game, and Gringotts was like, we could probably use this to our advantage?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: It does not check out, just so you know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It doesn’t.
Kim: They’re doing a thing.
Sequoia: It continues to not.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Check out.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Even though I liked it a lot, and it was very fun, that’s not where we’re go…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, it was a good bit while it lasted, Kim, you tried. [laughs]
Sequoia: It was a good bit. It was a fine bit. [laughs] Some of our bits do have to end, eventually. [Kim laughs] Wow. Did I just roast myself? Oh.
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Wow. What a good time! All right, so!
Kim: Don’t dry me off, I like…
Sequoia: Don’t dry me off!
Kim: …dying of hypothermia!
Sequoia: Well, if they didn’t die from sinking…
Kim: [shouting] A warrior’s death!
Sequoia: Hypothermia!
Kim: [still shouting] Sinking to the bottom of the lake because I don’t know how heavy my armor is!
Sequoia: Getting eaten by the squid. A warrior’s death.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Once in the Great Hall, the Sorting Hat sang a song detailing the origins of each house, and the students were called individually to be sorted.
Kim: Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I’m very glad they didn’t write a whole sorting song.
Sequoia: No, they didn’t.
Kim: Those are always a waste of my time!
Sequoia: Oh my god! Once Granger, Hermione, had been sorted into Gryffindor, the professor called on, “Gringotts, Flipstaff!”
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: They don’t really have a last name.
Kim: Gringotts.
Sequoia: ‘Cause it’s their clan name.
Kim: Gringotts is their last name.
Sequoia: The young goblin approached the stool and the hat had barely touched its head when it called for him to be placed in Slytherin House.
Kim: Okay. Fine.
Sequoia: There were a few snickers at, “Gringotts, Jeff the Mighty.”
Kim: Yup! [Sequoia laughs] That’s nothing.
Sequoia: People are like, what the fuck? [both laugh] A, those are goblins.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: B, Jeff the Mighty?
Kim: That is a choice that that little Jeff boy has made.
Sequoia: It actually technically isn’t, because you’re named by your mentor who oversees your naming ceremony type thing.
Kim: Slamskull named him Jeff?!
Sequoia: No! I think that there was… there’s… no, I think like there’s an actual adult…
Kim: Somebody let Slamskull name him?!
Sequoia: [laughs] No wonder his name’s Jeff the MIghty! He was named by a ten year old wizard boy.
Kim: That’s why all their names are like that!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, at least Harry’s is like, kinda cool.
Kim: That’s how… that’s how your name would be if a ten year old named you.
Sequoia: This is Jeff the Mighty!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: But soon he too was in Slytherin. Slamskull…
Kim: This is Princess Stabsword. [Sequoia laughs] What it would be like if I named it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Princess Stabsword. Good. Thank you for that.
Kim: Eh.
Sequoia: Slamskull was ready and waiting.
Kim: Oh wait. Where did Jeff go?
Sequoia: Slytherin.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: They both went to Slytherin.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ‘Cause, I don’t know why. We don’t get to know.
Kim: Because they’re ambitious. To be the greatest warriors of all time.
Sequoia: [muttering] Hold for the text please.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: [laughs] Slamskull was ready and waiting, but they did not call his name.
Kim: Sword drawn!
Sequoia: [deep voice] I’m ready to defeat the sorting challenge!
Kim: [deep voice] I will fight the challenge! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: [deep voice] Bring me my helmet!
Sequoia: But they did not call his name.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: The sorting continued for a while before the professor called out, “Potter, Harry.”
Kim: That’s rude. That’s not his name.
Sequoia: That’s fucking not his name.
Kim: Like, fuck you.
Sequoia: Ugh. Whispers immediately began to circulate. Could it be the Boy Who Lived, found at last and returned to Hogwarts? Slamskull looked for around for this great wizarding warrior he had heard about.
Kim: Who’s this? Who’s that?
Sequoia: But he did not see anyone that met the description.
Kim: Uh huh. Wait, what? Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. Slamskull’s like, where’s… fucking Harry Potter’s here?
Kim: Slamskull knows what Harry Potter looks like?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Okay, not only what he looks like.
Kim: Oh, Slamskull.
Sequoia: Who he is.
Kim: Oh, Slamskull.
Sequoia: What he looks like. He also left home at four years old…
Kim: Oh, Slamskull.
Sequoia: …so he probably heard the name several times.
Kim: From the goblins.
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: Slamskull.
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: Somebody help this…
Both: …Slamskull. [laugh]
Sequoia: The professor repeated her call twice more before the headmaster stood up.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Slamskull, she means you.”
Kim: Well then, fucking say my name, bitch!
Sequoia: “Please come forward for your sorting.” “But she hasn’t called my name,” he pointed out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “You are Harry Potter, that is your name.” The whispers were reaching a frantic pace. “No, my name is Slamskull and I am a warrior.”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: “I earned my name after my first battle,” he protested. “If you do not call me by my name, you insult my honor and that of my mentor who named me.”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “If you insult my honor as a warrior then I will have to earn a new name, starting with your death.” [laughs]
Kim: Oh! This is such a great aesthetic! I’m so into this!
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s just fucking looking at Albus Dumbledore and he’s like, you don’t call me Slamskull, I’m gonna kill you!
Kim: Call me by my fucking name! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, it’s so good!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: [sighs] The hall had gone quiet as Flipstaff and Jeff the Mighty rose from their seats to stand behind their kinsman.
Kim: Yeah! We’re gonna fight Dumbledore!
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re ready! Dumbledore bowed low from his waist. “My apologies to Clan Gringotts for my unintentional insult.”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Very well, Slamskull, would you please come forward to be sorted?” Slamskull walked to the stool and put the hat upon his head.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Soon a voice whispered into his mind.
Kim: [groans] Oh no.
Sequoia: “Oh, my, my my.”
Kim: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Sequoia: “What do we have here?
Kim: Oh, oof. Ouch, oofie. What’s happened to you?
Sequoia: Oh damn!
Kim: Oh damn! Oh no!
Sequoia: The Sorting Hat’s like, yeah, I can’t do this.
Kim: Yikes, yikes, yikes. This is too much.
Sequoia: That’s that… is the… this is the comic where the Sorting Hat goes on the head and then it screams therapy.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: This is that moment. [both sigh] “What do we have here? I see another proud goblin warrior, fearless in battle, loyal to the death, thirsty for knowledge.”
Kim: He’s eleven.
Sequoia: He’s a fucking warrior, dude!
Kim: He’s eleven.
Sequoia: He was gonna cut down Dumbledore where he stood!
Kim: He was! He was! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I like that that… I think that insinuates that they let them keep all of their weapons on them?
Kim: Yes! He’s armed to the teeth!
Sequoia: Excellent. Well, maybe they didn’t let him keep them, but he threatened him.
Kim: Yeah, like, try to disarm Slamskull!
Sequoia: Try to take them away!
Kim: I mean, it’s not like somebody searches you before you get on the train. There’s no wizard TSA.
Sequoia: No. There is not.
Kim: So, you know. He’s a hundred percent armed.
Sequoia: He is packing.
Kim: He swam across the lake fully armed!
Sequoia: He’s got like a broadsword. [both laugh] “Ah, your ambition.”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “You seek to become the best warrior possible…”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: “…to earn honor for your clan.”
Kim: Obviously!
Sequoia: “You seek to become the best to win honor for yourself.”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “You seek to become a legend!”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “With ambition like that there is only one place for you.”
Kim: Yes, there is.
Sequoia: “Salazar would be proud to have you in the House of SLYTHERIN!”
Kim: Sure. [laughs] Yeah, I think Klingons are kinda somewhere between Slytherin and Gryffindor.
Sequoia: Hmm. Okay. [laughs]
Kim: And this is a very Klingon like aesthetic that Harry’s having.
Sequoia: [laughs] You know what?
Kim: I feel like… I feel like the banking goblins are kinda more Ferengi-esque and then these warrior goblins, they’re…
Both: …very Klingon!
Kim; Like, this is just Klingons, thank you.
Sequoia: I feel like I’m not well versed in Star Trek.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: But I do know enough about Klingons to, like, agree with you.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This person has put Klingons in Harry Potter and I’m about it. This is our… this is our first…
Sequoia: Here for it.
Kim: Colin! Sequoia fucked up and didn’t invite you on for our first Star Trek crossover.
Sequoia: For our crossover! I’m so sorry.
Kim: Like, whoops!
Sequoia: I’m so sorry. But it’s because you fucked up about the squid biologist stuff.
Kim: [laughs] Shit!
Sequoia: And this is… this is the punishment.
Kim: This is payback?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This is punishment. You’re not here to talk at me about… this is punishment for me.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s punishment for a lot of people.
Kim: Actually, it’s… it’s not punishment for our listeners, though.
Sequoia: No, because this is fucking great! A passage of time. As soon as they reached the Slytherin dormitories, however, things began to turn sour.
Kim: They did stab Draco IMMEDIATELY!
Sequoia: [laughs] I mean, Draco is the same year as them.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Maybe he’s like, he doesn’t have quite the footing… he’s still a first year.
Kim: Right…
Sequoia: To, like, go up against like…
Kim: Draco was shitty immediately in the books.
Sequoia: Right, but he was shitty to people that he could shit on. So, like, fully armed goblins?
Kim: Yeah, okay. I guess…
Sequoia: He’s too smart for that shit.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: He’s like, yeah, I’m not gonna fuck with that.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: I’m just gonna go to sleep.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: This seems like a fight I can’t win.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Cause, Crabbe… what are fucking Crabbe or Goyle gonna do? Nothing.
Kim: Oh, yeah. They’re gonna get stabbed.
Sequoia: They can’t help. Yeah. [laughs] There’s a broadsword involved here, I’m pretty sure, so…
Kim: EVERYONE’S gonna get stabbed. Well, I mean, there’s a… oh no. Flipstaff, not Flipspear, right?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They’re gonna get their skulls slammed.
Sequoia: [pause] Let’s see.
Kim: [laughs] Oh god!
Sequoia: As soon as the three warriors passed into the common room they were surrounded by a group of fourth and fifth years.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Your kind aren’t welcome here.”
Kim: Yeah! That fucking checks out!
Sequoia: The largest said, cracking his knuckles. Yeah, that’s some bullshit racist Slytherin garbage. “And yet here we are,” Jeff the Mighty replied.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Jeff the Mighty is sassy as fuck! [laughs]
Kim: Jeff’s great! I’m all about Jeff!
Sequoia: Jeff! Big fan of Jeff.
Kim: Sweet little Jeffey.
Sequoia: “Goblins and filthy goblin lovers have no place in Slytherin house,” another jeered.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: “That is irrelevant. We were assigned to this dormitory and so here we shall stay.”
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: [laughs] That is… that is irrelevant. You are irrelevant!
Kim: Eat shit and die!
Sequoia: Eat shit! Well… “No, you won’t,” the largest corrected. “We will not allow you to stay here, and you are not worthy to stay in great Slytherin’s house.”
Kim: I mean, okay, so this is so typical, like, Hogwarts kind of bullshit.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like, you throw people into Slytherin, the den of racists…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …and you, like, don’t do anything to check or prepare anyone. You don’t talk to anyone about it.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: You don’t prepare anyone. It’s such…
Sequoia: It’s very bad!
Kim: You just let the Slytherins be Slytherins.
Sequoia: Yup. No…
Kim: You’re like, Slytherins are… it’s a thunderdome. Of racism.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s the Hunger Games. “Is that so?” Slamskull smiled a very goblin smile…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …showing off his teeth…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …which…
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: …had been filed into points.
Kim: Whoo.
Sequoia: Harry’s got real pointy teeth.
Kim: Also, he’s eleven. At eleven, like, how many like baby teeth do you still have? Question? I don’t know.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] They just did it to see if it would, like, work. They’re like, all these teeth will fall out anyway. [both laugh]
Kim: He’s, like, got one missing.
Sequoia: Yeah, his missing tooth. It’s under his pillow, for the toof fairy.
Kim: Ah, the toof fairy!
Sequoia: Showing off his teeth, which had been filed into points.
Kim: Gah!
Sequoia: Suddenly, there were knives in each of the warriors’ hands. [Kim laughs] “I guess we’ll have to change that.”
Kim: They are wizards, though. Like, you can… you can try to stab them, but they DO know magic.
Sequoia: [tsks] Do they?
Kim: Oh, dear.
Sequoia: [laughs] Do they know magic? We’ll see.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The two goblins and the young wizard let out a furious cry and leapt forward. Slamskull tore into the leader while the other two took the nearest two. Slamskull swung high as he leapt.
Kim: Holy shit!
Sequoia: I need you to… I need to you to imagine this.
Kim: They’re gonna…
Both: They’re gonna KILL these…!
Sequoia: I told you that the thing we were doing earlier kinda falls apart later.
Kim: When they MURDER a bunch of older Slytherins?
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, there’s… there’s a lot at play here. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, that is… that is a CHOICE. Like, you gotta… you gotta establish your place in the pecking order fast…
Sequoia: Exactly, you let these guys roll over you…
Kim: …and murdering all of the upper classmen IS a way to do that.
Sequoia: It is a way to secure your place, and it’s not like they’re gonna kick them out of Hogwarts. It’s Harry Potter. Anyway, here we go!
Kim: I think you go to JAIL!
Sequoia: Nope, it’s fine.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: So, Slamskull, he’s got… He swung high as he leapt, knowing his opponent would protect his face instinctively. Instead of reaching for a wand or anything.
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: As he did so, his other hand grabbed a portion of fabric…
Kim: I mean, I think wizards probably are not ready to get stabbed.
Sequoia: You know what? That’s fair. They probably aren’t ready to get stabbed. [both laugh] Somebody whips out their wand and they’re like let’s have a duel!
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: As opposed to just, like, immediately leaping at them with a knife. They’re not ready for that. That is fair. That’s a fair point.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: To be fair to whatever asshole Slytherins are here right now?
Kim: Yeah, who knows who this is. It doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: It’s no one. It’s no one. It doesn’t matter. His other hand grabbed a portion of fabric over his shoulder. Suddenly the knife wielding terror was behind his target.
Kim: Ha! Awesome! He like, did some cool flip in the air!
Sequoia: He was like… [comic book noise] Flipped over his shoulder and…
Kim: Stabbed him!
Sequoia: And the knife which moments before had been inches from his nose was swinging in an arc across the backs of both knees.
Kim: Ahhahah!
Sequoia: Got him! Got him!
Kim: Get him!
Sequoia: [laughs] Immediately the larger boy’s legs gave out, and Slamskull’s body acted as a fulcrum, directing his fall.
Kim: This is so cool!
Sequoia: The others, watching, quickly saw how he earned his name, as the bully’s head connected with the stone floor!
Kim: Oh my god, he killed him!
Sequoia: What the fuck! [both scream]
Kim: He had a family! [both laugh] No, that was some really well written action.
Sequoia: Yes, this is a very well written story!
Kim: That was good. Dang!
Sequoia: Oh, I fucking love it! He was just like [comic book noises] slam your skull against the ground.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And that’s why they call me Slamskull, bitcheeees!
Kim: Who else wants some?! And then he bites him and his mouth is full of blood! What? [Sequoia laughs] Just pours down. [makes a monster noise]
Sequoia: Woo! Flipstaff and Jeff the Mighty had also brought down their targets.
Kim: Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Sequoia: They were doing something else, it’s fine.
Kim: Flipstaff flipped a staff.
Sequoia: And Jeff the Mighty… [laughing] why is he called Jeff the Mighty?!
Kim: He cut him in half.
Sequoia: Okay! [laughs] Aw, just straight down the middle. Okay, excellent!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That’s what happened with Flipstaff and Jeff the Mighty. Just that minute the common room burst open and Professor Snape stormed in.
Kim: Sure. Where were you five minutes ago? You piece of shit.
Sequoia: Eating. In the Great Hall.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He was…
Kim: Sulking.
Sequoia: …sulking in his office. He was sulking in his office and he heard a commotion.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And was like, what the fuck?
Kim: I wasn’t expecting this for some reason.
Sequoia: Yeah. “What’s going on in here? The portraits said there was a fight going on.”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The three warriors grinned and Slamskull spoke for them.
Kim: The Slytherins don’t have a portrait.
[pause]
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: I guess there could be a portrait in there that could have told him.
Sequoia: A portrait… just like a portrait IN the common room. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, that’s fine. That’s how McGonagall always knows that there’s trouble!
Sequoia: Yeah, the portraits. The fucking portraits, my… my dudes.
Kim: Narcs!
Sequoia: [laughs] You want some?! Harry says to the portrait. I mean, Slamskull, I’m sorry. “A fight? I didn’t see any fight.”
Kim: There are three DEAD Slytherins on the floor!
Sequoia: Anyone else see a fight? You see a fight? You want some?
Kim: I guess it wasn’t much of a fight. It was a MASSACRE.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You MURDERED these three students. Which I guess isn’t a fight.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope, not really a fight. A fight has two sides.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Yeah. Slowly at first, but then with gathering speed, everyone else in the common room shook their heads in the negative. No fight, I didn’t see no fight. You see a fight? I didn’t see a fight.
Kim: No fight here! I did not see a fight.
Sequoia: No fights. No fights happening.
Kim: I saw a MURDER.
Sequoia: I saw a murder. Several murders.
Kim: I saw several people DIE. Oh god, I see the thestrals now.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no! They all do! That’s so sad. [Kim laughs] “See, no problems here. You might want to get these three something though. Looks like they’ve had a tumble down the stairs.”
Kim: Okay, they’re not actually dead. Fine.
Sequoia: I don’t… I… I… I think…
Kim: I think they ARE dead.
Sequoia: I think at least Slamskull’s guy is dead.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That guy is dead.
Kim: He crushed his skull.
Sequoia: He slammed his skull into the ground.
Kim: Into the rock.
Sequoia: Yeah, so, imma say… imma say that one’s dead.
Kim: Dead.
Sequoia: Flipstaff and Jeff the Mighty, they’re new.
Kim: Yeah, I guess they’re… they’re smaller goblins, they’re younger goblins, maybe they didn’t actually KILL theirs.
Sequoia: They’re new guys. Yeah, maybe there’s just, like, a real major injury.
Kim: Jeff the Mighty DID cut that guy in half.
Sequoia: Yeah we did establish… [both laugh]
Kim: No fight here!
Sequoia: No fight here! These guys…
Kim: Snape’s like, okay, no fight here.
Sequoia: They fell down the stairs. Snape narrowed his eyes into slits.
Both: [nasally] Hmmm.
Sequoia: “That’s preposterous. They’ve clearly been stabbed and sliced, and all three of you are still holding bloody knives.” [Kim laughs] “Like I said, they tripped and fell down the stairs.”
Kim: You know, a warrior never lies.
Sequoia: I warrior never lies, mostly, but if he were to lie, it would be for the purposes…
Kim: But I think a… I think a warrior that gets sorted into Slytherin might lie.
Sequoia: Maybe. He’s a loose cannon. “They tripped and fell down the stairs. If we were at the bottom and got crushed, that’s not our fault. And if we just so happened to be cleaning our knives before bed…”
Kim: To be holding our knives, knifepoint out, at them. [laughs]
Sequoia: “…like any good warrior does, well that’s not our fault either,” Slamskull shrugged.
Kim: Oh man! Slamskull’s great.
Sequoia: Slamskull is maybe better than Harry.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Maybe they fell on my knife. It’s their fault.
Sequoia: I was cleaning my knife at the bottom of the…
Kim: Now I have to clean my knife again.
Sequoia: This is very disruptive to my nighttime ritual. “This all seems like some kind of tragic accident, Professor. Maybe they should pay more attention to where they are falling. You might have to have that one looked at; belly wounds have a habit of going septic.”
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: Snape looked around the common room once more.
Kim: Told you, Jeff the Mighty cut his guy in half!
Sequoia: He did. He did. Well, he TRIED to cut his guy in half.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: I’m gonna say he went for it, he sort of missed, and JUST got the belly.
Kim: Mhm. Yeah.
Sequoia: Because this was like a downward motion.
Kim: Well, it could have been a side cut in half.
Sequoia: Oh, a side cut in half…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and he just really didn’t make it all the way through.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Snape looked around the common room once more, very slowly. Clearly some of the students were scared, and others impressed. [both laugh]
Kim: Fucking Slytherins, man.
Sequoia: Goddamn Slytherin! But no one moved to correct this farce of a story, not even those who were injured.
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause they’re…
Sequoia: Well, one of them is clearly dead.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: [laughs] So that’s how it’s gonna be then. Someone made a bid for power and lost.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And that’s where the story ends, man!
Kim: Ahhhhhh, man! [Sequoia laughs] Dang! I want SO much more of that!
Sequoia: Right? We’re gonna need some hold for the end pleases…
Kim: Dang!
Sequoia: …on this whole situation.
Kim: They were doing a great job!
Sequoia: I love that story, like, a lot.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And it’s fucking bonkers, man!
Kim: Yeah! Yeah!
Sequoia: [laughs] Like, what a wonderful gem of an idea! Thank you! Thank you.
Kim: Yeah, that was really good.
Sequoia: None of your predictions were right.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: So I don’t know how you were gonna really get there, though. [laughs]
Kim: No. I think there were probably things I could have guessed.
Sequoia: There were things you… I mean… the listeners will get some things right.
Kim: Yes, the listeners will get points, they always do.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was really good. Thank you for bringing that to me.
Sequoia: Of course, I do try to bring only the best to this podcast.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: All right, and now…
Kim: Do you wanna do a segment?
Sequoia: Yeah. Now it’s time for… [Kim makes high pitched beeping noises]
Both: …hold for the end please!
Kim: Hold for the end please is where you, the listeners, send us in kind of a summary of how you think a story that we have read on the podcast, that maybe didn’t have an ending, ends. And today, I have one for Please, Not While I’m in the Shower!
Sequoia: Ooh, nice! Okay!
Kim: So after Voldemort leaves at the end of Please, Not While I’m in the Shower…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …which is the story where they summon Voldemort by saying his name a bunch of times.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: [laughs] The gang goes to tell Professor Dumbledore about what happened, and Dumbledore’s like, hmm, yes, this confirms my suspicions about how magic works!
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Of course, naturally.
Kim: And… and then apparently this story was always a Drarry story, why not?
Sequoia: Oh, what the fuck? Okay! [both laugh]
Kim: It was just background before, but now it’s present.
Sequoia: Okay. Great, I love it. Thank you.
Kim: So Draco goes undercover to… in the Death Eaters, and convinces Voldemort that he needs to use the name magic to capture Harry.
Sequoia: Oh. Oh, it just works on anyone! Weird!
Kim: Yeah. We speculated about that in the episode.
Sequoia: We did. We did.
Kim: So they…. one day Harry’s in the shower, and they do that…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …and suddenly he’s surrounded by Death Eaters. And Harry tries to call parlay…[laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: …but Voldemort’s like, I’m evil and I’m not gonna respect parlay.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah. Duh!
Kim: And so while Voldemort’s monologuing about killing Harry or whatever, Harry summons Dumbledore.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah, that’s funny!
Kim: And so Dumbledore appears and stuns all the Death Eaters, and Dumbledore and Voldemort are… are facing down, and as they’re staring each other down, Voldemort disappears. And Voldemort appears in a dark room. And then his eyes adjust to the darkness and then he sees a girl sitting in front of him reading a magazine.
Sequoia: Oh my god. What?
Kim: And she says [high pitched voice] nice of you to drop by! And then Luna Lovegood bashes Voldemort’s head in with a pipe.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] WOW!
Kim: So thank you so much…
Sequoia: Thank you so much, listener.
Kim: …to the listener who sent that in. You did an excellent job…
Sequoia: Wow. Beautiful.
Kim: And that is an excellent story.
Sequoia: Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Kim: [giggles] If you have a hold for the end, please for any story, including the one we read today, do send it to us.
Sequoia: Do send it to us!
Kim: I mean, we’ve gotten a few that are just, like, an actual fanfiction typed out.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then a few of these that are more of summaries. Either style is fine.
Sequoia: Bullet points, summary, whatever you wanna do!
Kim: Yeah. But do send those to us!
Sequoia: Okay, and now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: All right, so today my rec is a humorous rec.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It’s called A Fate Worse Than Death.
Kim: That’s a great title! Is it Drarry?
Sequoia: It is Drarry.
Kim: Ahhh! That’s a great Drarry title!
Sequoia: It all takes place from, from… from the perspective of an OC student…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …at Hogwarts when Harry and Draco…
Kim: Who’s like, oh my god!
Sequoia: …are professors.
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: And she’s like, ugh, I think that… I think that like…
Kim: I think my professors are fucking!
Sequoia: No! She’s like, I think that… I think that Draco is, like, harassing Harry for some reason.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: And so she’s following them around trying to figure out what the, like, dastardly plan of Draco is.
Kim: Oh! She’s like a young Harry!
Sequoia: It’s very good. Yes! It’s so good!
Kim: Oh, that sounds so fun!
Sequoia: I love it so much. So a link to that will be in the description as well as on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: On our website you can find an entire list of the recommendations.
Kim: Yes. As well as all of our episodes.
Sequoia: Story submission form.
Kim: We actually recently got a question for where the What’s in a Name stuff is.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: That’s on our website in the episode description for the episode that that was, which I believe was episode 33.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So, I mean, all of our episode notes are on there. All of our recs are on there. Also our story submission form is on there.
Sequoia: Yeah! Send us the stuff you’ve been reading!
Kim: We get a lot, but we love it all!
Sequoia: Wow. We get so much, but we’re so happy.
Kim: There’s also…
Sequoia: You can also find our merch!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: We have merch on our website.
Kim: Bookmarks!
Sequoia: We have [laughs] merch on TeePublic.
Kim: T-shirts! [Sequoia laughs] And other things!
Sequoia: And other stuff. Lots of other stuff!
Kim: Notebooks, pillows…
Sequoia: Yeah, pillows. You could get a blanket, I dunno. Very strange. [both laugh] You can find us on social media. Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @FanaticalFics. Tweet at us, do you think there’s admission fees to Hogwarts?
Kim: Tweet at us! Local fun facts! [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can also shoot us an email…
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: …if your local fun fact is too long for a tweet! Email it to us. fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Kim: Email in your Yes!! Glitter!!! submissions, your hold for the end pleases, and your trick everyone 2020 stuff.
Sequoia: Stuff. For your address.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: To get the…, to get the tools!
Kim: Speaking of…
Both: …trick everyone.
Kim: There are a lot of ways you can help out the podcast. One of the biggest ones is telling everyone you’ve ever met.
Sequoia: Tell every person. Every single person. Leave us a review, we will get to shouting you out one day, and we love every review.
Kim: See, we’re saying that, but we’re getting more behind.
Sequoia: Further and further behind, but it’s fine, we’re gonna catch up.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: Well no, we’re never gonna catch up, but we will at one point stay consistently behind by a certain number of months. [laughs]
Kim: That’s not anything. That’s not anything. Wow.
Sequoia: Also…
Kim: You can also support us by going to our Patreon, looking at it, and then clicking on one of them, and then giving us money.
Sequoia: Nice, that was very succinct. I liked it.
Kim: Give us money. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We are still donating ten percent of what we make on Patreon for the next three more months.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: We’re splitting it between the Harry Potter Alliance and the Trevor Project.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And now, so Patreon. If you’re a patron at certain tiers for six months, we will then give you a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary or a fun voice thing from Kim. So we’re gonna do those right now.
Kim: [drawling, aristocratic voice] Oh, Carolina, whatever am I supposed to do about Potter? It’s bad enough that we have to be co-Head Boys this year…
Sequoia: Oh yeah!
Kim: [drawling, aristocratic voice] …but I can’t believe I have to share the Head Boy dorm with him too! He’s so annoying and I can’t stop watching him sleep all the time. You’re my best friend, what should I do?
Sequoia: [laughs] That was very good, that was very good.
Kim: How’s that for a story?
Sequoia: That was good. You wanna hear mine?
Kim: Yeah, all right.
Sequoia: To the casual observer, it would seem like business as usual at Hogwarts, but Harry Potter can tell something is different. After asking Ron and Hermione, Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore, every ghost, and even Professor Snape, if they felt like something was off, Harry finds himself wandering the dungeons looking for answers. But instead he finds Draco Malfoy, looking extremely confused. When Draco asks Harry where all the witches and wizards from the portraits have gone, they must track down the oldest portrait in the castle, of the great witch Stephanie, who seems to think that only true love can save the day.
Kim: Wow, dang. Nice!
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: That’s real good!
Sequoia: I’m back on my game.
Kim: That was good.
Sequoia: I was a little off last time, but I’m back.
Kim: Sure. Why not? All right, thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows four our theme song, it is their awesome song Wolfstar.
Both: Bye! Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye!