Episode 70: The Truth About Harry/Draco and Hermione's Secret Romance
We’re back and guestless so Kim decided to do something nuts and do two stories that a completely and totally so very different.
Quick Fic: Blind Date
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2628277/1/Blind-Date
Recommendation: First Night Back
https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624607
Kim: So I noticed you put a number on our previous episode when you had never numbered an episode before.
Sequoia: It was important. It was important that the people knew, because…
Kim: [laughs] Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...we had to work SO hard for it to be the sixty ninth episode!
Kim: [laughs] So I… I guess what I’m most worried about is that that was important, but telling me that Masquerade was Harry/Cedric wasn’t important for some reason? [laughs loudly]
Kim: You piece of shit!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping WillowSequoia: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And, I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Yay! I love Harry Potter fanfiction!
Kim: You’re giving off a weird energy today. [laughs]
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, I’m sitting up ALL the way. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, yeah, no! We got new mic stands and we have such great posture that it’s going to allow us to really project…
Sequoia: Freedom!
Kim: ...and hit those plosives in ways we never have before.
Sequoia: Honestly, like, I… I FEEL different.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I’m not actively crouched, like, over a microphone. [Kim laughs] I feel like I can… I have more freedom to gesticulate.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m going to be doing more…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...visual bits.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Hand motions.
Kim: Uh huh. I think our listeners will really appreciate that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, good. Excellent.
Kim: Sure. How have you…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Let’s get into some… let’s get into some fucking podcast business.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Shall we?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So if you don’t follow us on Twitter…
Kim: Which is fine, I guess.
Sequoia: Which is fine. Sure, that’s fine.
Kim: I realize some of you are like younger than us, and you use the Instagrams for some reason or whatever.
Sequoia: I’ve been being better about Instagram!
Kim: We get a lot of engagement on our Instagram when you are like, give us your predictions. We get so many!
Sequoia: So many predictions come in through Instagram now, I can barely sustain it. [both laugh]
Kim: So…
Sequoia: But on Twitter we did retweet… so I run a Facebook group for Harry Potter podcasters called the Wizarding Wireless Collective, and I’ve been, you know, inviting new podcasters to join it, so I went through and I did my spreadsheet…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...of Harry Potter podcasts.
Kim: It’s quite a spreadsheet.
Sequoia: And I was like, there are seventy two Harry Potter podcasts...
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: ...that have published an episode in the last month!
Kim: That’s crazy.
Sequoia: Alone!
Kim: There’s… there’s a bunch that are a little bit more defunct or maybe don’t publish as frequently.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s more that have… that haven’t published in like three months.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then there’s a bunch that seem to have gone by the wayside.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But that’s an incredible number…
Kim: Yes.
Sequioa: ...and we want to share a list of those podcasts with you, just ‘cause, like, wow.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, you all like Harry Potter or something.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Here’s some more Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Here’s some more stu… yeah, so we’re gonna be publishing a list of Harry Potter podcasts that you can go check out.
Kim: Yeah, so check our Twitter, we’ll have retweeted that from the Wizarding Wireless Collective.
Sequoia: Mhm. And speaking of the Wizarding Wireless Collective, we got some vendor space…
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: ...at LeakyCon Orlando and Denver.
Kim: So Fanatical Fics will be using the Wizarding Wireless Collective… [Sequoia laughs]
Both: ...vendor space.
Kim: At both of those cons this year.
Sequoia: Yeah. So you can come see us just sitting there, hawking merch, and…
Kim: That is what we’ll be doing. Yeah. Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Yeah, if you want to come see us, if you want to buy some merch, we’re gonna be… we’re soliciting other podcasts for merch as well, so we’re gonna have a bunch of different stuff. So come check that out!
Sequoia: Yeah, it’ll be fun!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Speaking of things that we are soliciting. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Did you know that we have a crack…
Kim: Glitter!!
Both: ...fan zine?
Kim: Look, as the co-hat editors, [Sequoia laughs] we really wanna stress that it is open for submissions of whatever content you want to give us.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. For instance, we have received a What’s Your Draco True Pairing? like Seventeen Magazine style quiz.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Where you, like, follow the… the arrows and it asks you questions and it says stuff like leather pants? and pick a twin, and what’s your favorite fanfic trope? Or ff.net or AO3? which is one of my favorite questions on this quiz.
Kim: [laughs] That is a good question. So… OR, if you have written a cursed fanfiction featuring yours truly and Sequoia as the main characters, send that to us as well! [Sequioa laughs] It did only make me cry a little bit.
Sequoia: I think… I think you… the characters you’re referring to are Kimmy and Squee! [laughs]
Kim: Fucking Squee, that’s so good.
Sequoia: Man, it’s very cursed, very good.
Kim: But also, if you have written a list of guidelines for matching your eye shadow to your fanfic, do send that our way.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Oh, I want that so bad! Please send that in. You can send all Yes! Glitter!! submissions to fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Put Yes! Glitter!! somewhere in the title of that email, and we will read it and love it and cry. Thank you.
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man.
Sequoia: So we have a couple things to wrap up from our last episode, episode sixty nine.
Kim: Nice. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. We put up a poll on Twitter.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: About whether Colin got a point or not…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...for his prediction that a mentor…
Kim: Would get the couple together.
Sequoia: Would get the couple together. Wh… and I disagree, but Twitter says that Colin gets a point. [mumbling] So Colin gets a point, fucking…
Kim: I agree with Twitter. I think I said at the end of the episode. I was like, I’m inclined to give it to him, and…
Sequoia: I know you did, and you’re wrong, and whatever. [laughs]
Kim: So the guests are tied with you.
Sequoia: Shut up! [both laugh]
Kim: You know, I’m reading you two stories today, so you can suck it up.
Sequoia: Oh, okay! Yeah, maybe I’ll get some… maybe I’ll get some points from that pointportunies.
Kim: Also, I… I wanted to mention that I… the recommendation of the goose story from last time, the soulmate goose? That was sent in to me by Kfir, who always sends me that good, good Marcus Flint content. [Sequoia laughs] But also, if you go read that story, there’s… one of the tags on it is more stories featuring the soulmate goose, and there’s a ton of them, and you should go look at them ‘cause they’re great!
Sequoia: [laughs] The fucking soulmate goose, I love it.
Kim: It’s a great story.
Sequoia: I love it a lot.
Kim: So, love that. I… Flint/Wood is questionable, but I do love it!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh…
Kim: Oh…
Sequoia: All right, well that’s…
Kim: Is that everything we wanted to talk about?
Sequoia: That’s everything we want to talk about as far as podcast business is concerned, but we haven’t...
Kim: Boring. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fine, whatever. We haven’t gotten to reviews in a hot second, because we’ve been doing a thing.
Kim: Talking about sixty nining?
Sequoia: Yeah, for an EXCESSIVE amount of time. So we’re gonna do some shout outs.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Shout out to Kathryna, who says that reading fanfic never crossed their mind before this podcast, and now we hope that reading fanfic is all that ever crosses your mind. What is there beyond fanfic? Is life just an endless stream? Of fanfics?
Kim: [laughs] There’s so much! Shout out to Starwars :)
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: More like Drarry smiley face, am I righhhhhht?
Sequoia: [laughs] Wow, I hate you. Shout out to 11111111111user. [both laugh]
Kim: How sure are you that you think you got the right number of ones there?
Sequoia: I’m not sure, I just sort of clicked at random in my notes here. This… this user, 1111111…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...calls us hilarious and heartwarming, which seems like too wholesome of a review for a podcast where there was once a fuck sandwich. [both laugh]
Kim: I dunno what you’re talking about. The fuck sandwiches are all about the love. Shout out to… [slowly] Laemperatriz.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Sure. Who says that even old ladies love the podcast.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: Which really goes to show that fanfiction is for everyone.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: Doesn’t it?
Sequoia: It does.
Kim: [whispering creepily] It’s for everyone. Everyone, right? Everyone, right?
Sequoia: That was nice, and then it got menacing. [laughs]
Kim: [still whispering] Send it in. Yes! Glitter!!
Sequoia: Shout out to DanaPodListener, who says that this is the only… only the second podcast that has made them laugh out loud, and I’d really like to know what the first one was, because if it’s anything like ours it’s a hot mess, and I wanna listen to it.
Kim: [laughs] What are you talking about?
Sequoia: What is it? Describe it.
Kim: Shout out to Miaboo37, who says they found the podcast randomly and are loving it, but are you sure that you really found it by mere happenstance?
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Or did one of the birds tell you? [Sequioa laughs] Jesus. I dunno what you mean this podcast is a hot mess, Sequoia. [Sequoia continues to laugh] This podcast is perfectly normal.
Sequoia: God, the fucking birds, man! Jesus Christ!
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man!
Sequoia: Whoo!
Both: All right.
Kim: Do you wanna… do you wanna do the thing?
Sequoia: Yeah! Let’s do it. Let’s go.
Kim: So I got two for you today.
Sequoia: Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
Kim: This first one… get ready to make some predictions, I guess. That’s what we do.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] Shit.
Sequoia: Tweet your predictions at us #FanficDivination.
Kim: Yeah, guess three things that are about to happen in this fanfiction, based on these three clues. Clue number one, the title is The Truth About Harry.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: This is an AO3 story. It did not have any genre tags, so I have tagged it drama, mystery, and supernatural.
Sequoia: Fuck, yeah! Okay.
Kim: And this sucker came out between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: [laughs] What the fuck? Cool, okay. All right. My first prediction is that… let’s see, supernatural. Hmm. My first prediction is that Harry’s actually a ghost.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: My second prediction is that… can I just make a dif... oh no. ‘Kay, here we go.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] We’ll see. Okay. Um...
Kim: Hogwarts is a mentor! Sh… you can say whatever shit you want!
Sequoia: [still laughing] Yeah, cool, cool, cool. My second prediction is that Harry is… actually a reincarnation of a… of another wizard.
Kim: Noice.
Sequoia: My third prediction is that…
Kim: Do you want to make one more guess about the truth about Harry?
Sequoia: Yeah! These… these are all about the truth about Harry.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: He’s a ghost. He’s a reincarnation. Or, let’s see. You said drama? [pause] Mystery?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And… supernatural?
Kim: That middle one’s maybe a little more iffy than the other two. I feel good about the other two, I think.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. So it’s definitely supernatural, great. That’s what I want. Um… [laughs]
Kim: Does… that seemed like the most relevant from, I don’t know. There’s not a great way to describe what’s happening in this, I think.
Sequoia: Okay, excellent. In this story, um… this story takes place in the graveyard.
Kim: Okay, cool. So before I jump into this, I wanted to say that this story is by the same author as that Ginny gets kicked out of every Hogwarts house story.
Sequoia: Oh, nice! Okay!
Kim: I really like their work, actually. This one was origin… well, it’s written in kind of the style of a monologue?
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: So I’ve trimmed it down a little bit because it was written like, really colloquially and like monologue-y.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: And a lot of like back and forth, like it’s talking TO someone. It’s like a monologue to another person?
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Okay. Uh huh.
Kim: Anyway, so I cut some of that out. I’ve trimmed it down a little bit. But just so you all know. It’s really good and I like the way it was written a lot. So… let’s jump into this.
Sequoia: Let’s do it! I’m ready! [whispers] Supernatural.
Kim: Can you keep a secret? Do you swear you won’t tell anyone? [both laugh]
Kim: Do you like that?
Sequoia: Yeah, this is very good.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So this is the… from Harry? Harry is doing the monologue. Maybe?
Kim: No comment.
Sequoia: Okay, great. [laughs]
Kim: But I… I love the monologue format. It’s just cool.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I have to tell someone or I’ll just burst. I can’t see Harry Potter any more.
Sequoia: WHAT? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, keep going!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I don’t know. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, no, nothing? It’s not because I’m not allowed to. It’s not as though my mother finally broke down and said “That’s IT! I don’t want to hear another word about him, you won’t see him any more!”
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: No one… she’s not being prevented from seeing him.
Sequoia: Okay. Great. So he… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Great. He’s invisible.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: But only to this person.
Kim: We’ll get there. [Sequoia makes frustrated noises] I don’t wanna give it all away! No, that’s not what I mean. To tell the truth, we were never actually seeing each other in that sense of the word, anyway. I did try to get his attention. I flirted and sent him presents and letters written in this scented ink my brother Charlie sent me…
Sequoia: This is Ginny!
Kim: It is Ginny.
Sequoia: Ginny’s here! Why did Charlie send you that?
Kim: Charlie sent her some flirty scented ink!
Sequoia: He’s just trying to help. There’s, like, a lot of brothers, he doesn’t know how to help the sister.
Kim: Do you think it’s actually a flirty scent, or…
Sequoia: Is it dragon related?
Kim: Or is it like…
Sequoia: Does it smell like fire? Brimstone?
Kim: [snorts] I was gonna say like bubblegum lip gloss. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Or that too. It’s just like… like those scratch and sniff…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And Harry’s like, what the fuck? This smells…
Sequoia: This has blueberry and it’s smells like… wax.
Kim: Shit! [both laugh]
Kim: Harry’s like, what is this STINKY letter? The fuck?
Sequoia: She’s trying so hard.
Kim: She also sent him presents. [laughs]
Sequoia: What presents?
Kim: I don’t know!
Sequoia: They have… they’ve got… okay. It’s not like she bought a present, let’s be real about it.
Kim: She made something for him.
Sequoia: She made something for him.
Kim: Yes. And it’s got to be...
Sequoia: Several somethings.
Kim: And I would guess it’s the same quality level as that poem she made him.
Sequoia: [laughs] I like to think that she, like, tried to make him a little doll that looks like him…
Kim: [laughing] Oh god!
Sequoia: ...and then it turned out looking like a scary voodoo doll. Harry’s like, somebody sent me this letter. It smells like fire. [both laugh] Then they sent me this doll.
Kim: Oh my god! And the letter just says, I’m watching you! [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny, what the fuck?!
Sequoia: Very good.
Kim: I flirted and sent him presents and letters written in this scented ink my brother Charlie sent me, but it never worked. I told Eloise that he asked me out once, but that was a lie.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: [laughs] Why would you tell Eloise anyway?
Sequoia: Yeah, are you just hanging out with Eloise?
Kim: Like what’s… what’s Eloise gonna do? For you? You gonna brag to Eloise? Eloise is lame.
Sequoia: Eloise is always like, yeah, me too. Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Yeah! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh. No, I mean it literally. I can’t see Harry any more. [quiet laughter]
Sequoia: Where is he? Where’d he go?
Kim: Poof! It’s as though he’s wearing his invisibility cloak all the time, only I can’t hear him either.
Sequoia: Wait, but, OTHER people can?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Cool.
Kim: Think Ginny’s okay today?
Sequoia: Yeah, I think she's just having a hard day. Somebody did a weird spell or something, probably something to that effect.
Kim: Hmm. Yeah. Sure.
Sequoia: OR! Harry’s a ghost. [laughs]
Kim: [singing] I don’t know! I’ve sort of gotten used to it by now, pretending that I can. All those times that suddenly everyone laughs but me? “Harry’s made a joke, wasn’t it funny?”
Sequoia: No, you need to tell someone! [Kim laughs] You need to communicate this! Oh jeez, no!
Kim: [laughing] She’s… she’s pretending! Everyone starts laughing and she’s like, hahahahah haha…
Sequoia: Hahahaha, this is great! Harry’s here, right? Is Harry here?
Kim: We’re laughing about Harry?
Sequoia: What if she can’t see MULTIPLE people?
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: She wouldn’t know!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Could have been Colin. Could have been Colin Creevey. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, you wouldn’t even notice that Colin’s disappeared. She’s gotta get Colin in on the case! Oh. I just smile, there’s nothing else I can do. People…
Sequoia: Except tell an adult, okay, but continue.
Kim: Well, but why would she do that? Why would anyone ever tell an adult anything?
Sequoia: Sure, sure, fine, fine.
Kim: People probably think that I’m just mourning over the fact that he’s still got a bigger crush on Cho Chang than he ever would on me. But they’re wrong.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my god.
Kim: They’re not wrong.
Sequoia: Well, I mean, they’re not…
Kim: They’re a little… they’re partially wrong.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s… there’s… there’s more at play. [both laugh]
Kim: Not just sulking about the Cho thing.
Sequoia: Yeah, but you know. It’s there.
Kim: But also, fuck Cho.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: At first, I thought it was some evil plan, that Harry had been kidnapped or killed. I tried to talk to Ron and Hermione about it in secret.
Sequoia: Wha…?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Wait. She thought that he had been kidnapped or killed?
Kim: Yeah, and there was some magic making it so that everybody else thought he was still there but she could see through it somehow.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. No, I buy that.
Kim: So she tried to talk to Ron and Hermione. I told them that something was terribly wrong with Harry. Couldn’t they tell? [both laugh] I thought maybe they were in on some secret and they had just left me out of it. Again.
Sequoia: Ev… every student and teacher except…
Kim: You.
Sequoia: They all think that they can’t see Harry, but Ron and Hermione are being SO convincing…
Kim: About…
Sequoia: ...that… that everyone’s just like, oh, this must be a weird magic thing. Harry’s here!
Kim: Yeah, Harry! He’s right there! Yeah!
Sequoia: And Ron and Hermione are like, Harry, you’re…
Both: ...so funny! [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny’s like, is everyone playing a trick on me? Is everyone playing a trick on me again?
Sequoia: No. Ron and Hermione are playing a trick on literally every other person. [both laugh]
Kim: It’s a great trick.
Sequoia: He went off to like, do some Horcrux things, or try to defeat Voldemort.
Kim: Oh. [laughs]
Sequoia: And they’re like…
Kim: Harry’s still here! He’s just…
Sequoia: Harry’s, he’s right here! And... he’s so funny!
Kim: He’s hilarious! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Everyone’s like, weird, I can’t see Harry and all of the sudden he’s funny. I don’t know.
Kim: Harry’s funny, what are you talking about? [both laugh] Hermione was interested at first, wanting to know what I thought was wrong. Did he look tired? His scar? “It’s probably nothing,” she said. “He’ll be fine.” [pause] He’s so funny!
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s so funny!
Kim: Oh. So the… Ginny appears to have just gone up to Hermione and been like, isn’t Harry looking weird these days? And Hermione’s like, no?
Sequoia: No, you have to be… you gotta walk up and be like, hey, here’s the thing. Is Harry here, right now?
Kim: Can you see him?
Sequoia: Can you see him right now?
Kim: Is he right here? Am I standing IN him? [both laugh]
Sequoia: He’s a ghost!
Kim: [makes a spooky noise] I never said the critical words, that I can’t see Harry any more. Ron would have written to mum and I’d be locked up in St. Mungo’s by now.
Sequoia: Magic! There’s a weird magic…
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: There’s… there’s magic!
Kim: No, they’d think she was crazy.
Sequoia: Magic!
Kim: I mean, Ginny’s been traumatized pretty hard core. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh yeah! Yeah. Yeah. There’s that.
Kim: No one, no one listens or pays attention to Ginny.
Sequoia: Someone help Ginny.
Kim: Somebody help Ginny. By that time, I thought maybe that was the right place for me. Wrap me up in a straitjacket, I’ve gone completely around the bend. [both laugh] Everyone’s gaslighting me about Harry.
Sequoia: A whole host of students and teachers show up at St. Mungo’s to like admit themselves.
Kim: Help!
Sequoia: Help! None of us can see Harry Potter!
Kim: It started about a month ago. I just looked up and he was gone.
Sequoia: So she could see him.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: She looked away, she looked back…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: She couldn’t see him any more. Or hear him. I think that, that’s important, the…
Kim: The not hearing?
Sequoia: That she can’t hear him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He’d been there a second before, watching the Ravenclaw Quidditch practice.
Sequoia: Wow. Spying. Yeah.
Kim: Fucking… fucking Cho. No, he’s watching!
Sequoia: Oh, I… I was assuming he was spying,
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: And like trying to get the playbook and, you know, like that kind of a thing. But I guess he’s probably like…
Kim: That’s not a Gryffindor thing to do. That’s a very Slytherin thing to do.
Sequoia: All right. Yeah, okay. So maybe that’s not what he’s doing, man!
Kim: Watching the Ravenclaw Quidditch practice, shading his eyes with his hand and pointing up at Cho Chang.
Sequoia: Wow, dude!
Kim: Look, it’s Cho! There she is! Isn’t she pretty?
Sequoia: Be cool, my man! Be cool.
Kim: Choooo!
Sequoia: Cho, hey Cho!
Kim: There she is!
Sequioa: Cho!
Kim: Oh, she’s over there now! Wow, she flies so fast!
Sequoia: You’re so good Cho! He’s just like yelling AT Cho.
Kim: And Cho’s just really high in the sky and she can’t… can’t…
Sequoia: Affirmations. Can’t hear him.
Kim: The wind’s in her ears.
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s playing Quidditch.
Kim: She’s very good. At Quidditch. [both laugh]
Kim: Always looking at Cho Chang, good lord.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my god.
Kim: She is salty.
Sequoia: She IS salty.
Kim: You’d think he would have gotten over that crush by now.
Sequoia: Nah, dude! You think YOU would have gotten over your crush by now!
Kim: But anyway. There he was, watching the Quidditch practice, and then suddenly he was just gone. I let out a little scream. [laughs] The fuck?!
Sequoia: Yeah, Ginny’s like, she turns around, just like, ahh! And Harry’s like, god, are you okay? And she hears nothing.
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: Sees nothing.
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: Ron thought I was being a baby, but I said “Where’s Harry?” [both laugh] [in a deep voice] “He’s right here, Ginny, are you blind?” he said. [laughs]
Sequoia: No, she’s just Harry blind.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs] Like Harry’s face blind, you know.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: She’s just all of Harry blind.
Sequoia: All of Harry.
Kim: I wondered if it was possible to go selectively blind. I even went to the hospital wing and said I was having trouble seeing, and Madam Pomfrey tested my eyes in a hundred ways. She says I’m fine, nothing wrong.
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] Uh, Madam Pomfrey, I’m having trouble seeing.
Kim: [laughs] Madam Pomfrey’s like, can you read the eye chart? You’re fine, go away.
Sequoia: Like, hypothetically, couldn’t you…
Kim: I’m so busy. [Sequoia laughs] Have you seen what Neville did today?
Sequoia: [laughs] Have you seen what SEAMUS did today? I feel like at a certain point can’t you just be like finite incantatem? Like, at a person, and then…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...they’re just like…
Kim: I mean, if… if your… if you don’t roll high enough on your check…
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: You can’t end a higher level spell.
Sequoia: Gotcha. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Explains everything.
Kim: I actually think I might have trimmed a bit where she says that she was trying to… she… she does try that in the story. I might have trimmed that out though, for some stupid reason.
Sequoia: Okay, cool. Oh, good.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Well, I… I that’s good that…
Kim: She tried.
Sequoia: ...she tries it, yeah.
Kim: That might happen later, though. I don’t remember. Have I read this story? I dunno.
Sequoia: [laughs] What’s… what’s fanfiction?
Kim: Shit. It’s easy to pretend that you can see Harry Potter. It’s not so easy to pretend you can hear him, ‘cause he’s so funny, but…
Sequoia: Right, exactly. You gotta wait for the cues.
Kim: Mhm, mhm. I had never noticed it before, but so much of what we do centers on him.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: In the corridors, everyone is watching him. Someone always saves a seat for him, everywhere. It’s Ron. Ron always saves a seat for him. [Sequioa laughs] I mean, like, come on.
Sequoia: Yeah. No. For sure.
Kim: He’s got his own chair in the Gryffindor common room. No one sits there but Harry. I’m tempted to sit there myself seeing as it’s always empty, but…
Sequoia: But it’s not always empty! [laughs]
Kim: But I can’t do that.
Sequoia: I love that Harry has his own chair in the common room, because, like, he definitely doesn’t know that.
Kim: Yeah. No. Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s just like, every time he walks in the common room, he’s like…
Kim: Oh, my chair! This is a nice chair! Such a great chair!
Sequoia: It’s so funny, no one ever sits in this chair. Like, this is such a good chair.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And I never see anyone sitting in it. That’s so weird.
Kim: Yeah, Harry wouldn’t notice. So cute.
Sequoia: He’d no fucking clue.
Kim: Do you think Ginny’s just… she says that EVERYONE’S watching Harry, but do you think she’s actually just looking at where Draco’s staring?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: All right, Draco’s looking over there, so…
Both: ...Harry’s over there…
Sequoia: Ron saved a seat, so that’s where Harry is.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, I feel like it actually wouldn’t be hard to pretend that you can see him.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Once or twice I’ve made mistakes when I’m not paying enough attention. I sat down on a chair in the library, and Hermione nearly choked on her homework. Choked on her… is she EATING the homework? Wait a second! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, wow! She would never do that!
Kim: Eat her own homework?
Sequoia: No! Unless it was real bad, and then she was like, wow, this essay on… [pause] on… gillyweed…
Kim: Unless… well…
Sequioa: ...is so bad that I am gonna eat it! I’m just gonna eat it!
Kim: You’re saying Hermione WOULD do that?
Sequoia: I mean, that’s the… I’m saying that’s the only scenario in which she would do it, because if she did this great essay on gillyweed, she’d turn it in, she wouldn’t eat it.
Kim: What if the homework is to practice transfiguring… oh, I guess Gamp’s law of magical transfiguration…
Sequoia: Can’t transfigure your stuff into food. Yeah
Kim: Can’t transfigure into food, so she wouldn’t… [takes deep breath] “Ginny, I know you like…” [both laugh] “I know you like Harry, but you don’t need to sit on his lap!”
Sequoia: She said, blatantly, in front of Harry.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: Wow. Fucking rude, my dude.
Kim: Yeah, I mean they have to talk for Harry because Harry’s not… visible. Like, if Harry had said… if Harry had protested, Ginny wouldn’t have noticed.
Sequoia: So when she sat down, did she sit down and her butt hit the chair?
Kim: Hold for the text please.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: But there was no one there. I was sitting on the chair, not on someone.
Sequoia: They… she is getting fucking punked! This is nuts! [both laugh]
Kim: You’d think it would feel as if there was something in the chair you were sitting in. I don’t know how they explain it to themselves. My knees were on level with theirs. It’s this massive hallucination.
Sequoia: [whispers] What the fuck?
Kim: No. No, really, I know it sounds crazy, but Harry Potter doesn’t really exist.
Sequoia: Wha, wha, what? Ahh! Ahh!
Kim: [laughs] Whoo!
Sequoia: Ahhhh!
Kim: Nice. Isn’t that good?
Sequoia: Was that the end?!
Kim: No. We got a little more.
Sequoia: I was like, holy shit!
Kim: That would be good to end it there though, right?
Sequoia: Oh man!
Kim: The end. Harry doesn’t really exist.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh, wow.
Kim: It’s true, Dumbledore told me.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: I thought maybe I was losing it, or maybe Harry needed real help, so I went up to Dumbledore’s office to talk to him about it.
Sequoia: Okay, good. Good.
Kim: I think she, like, let this happen for a few weeks, and then she was like no, wait, but really.
Sequoia: And then she was like, this is fucking bonkers!
Kim: Yeah. Is everyone playing a prank on me?
Sequioa: Yeah.
Kim: Will Dumbledore tell me if everyone’s playing a prank on me? I’m not sure that he would. He’d be like [high pitched voice] That’s a great prank!
Sequoia: [laughs] Dumbledore, whose greatest prank ever was to hire Gilderoy Lockhart. [both laugh]
Kim: [high pitched voice] I’m gonna get this guy murdered!
Sequoia: [laughs] Goddamn.
Kim: What? I said, “Sir, I can’t see Harry any more.” Well, I don’t think I said it like that, I think I waffled a bit first.
Sequoia: Be like, [high pitched voice] well, um…
Kim: [high pitched voice] Have you ever… have you noticed that…
Sequoia: There’s Harry, and then there’s like a space where Harry WOULD be, if I could see him.
Kim: But can everybody… but is he even…?
Sequoia: Do you? Can you see Harry?
Kim: [high pitched voice] “Oh yes” he said. I realized I don’t have a good Dumbledore voice, so I’m gonna default to…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...Potter Puppet Pals.
Sequoia: Yup, that’s good.
Kim: “I can’t see him either.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: What?
Kim: The pieces coming together, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Holy shit! Okay.
Kim: This wasn’t what I was expecting. [Sequioa laughs] Harry’s a hero. He’s protected the school. He’s protected the entire wizarding world from harm so many times!
Sequoia: Yeah. Now I’m also confused.
Kim: So I said something like, “I don’t understand.”
Sequoia: Clearly, yes.
Kim: And Dumbledore said, “It seems strange, doesn’t it. But think about it, Mrs. Weasley.” Oh, not Mrs. “Ms. Weasley.”
Sequoia: Mhm, checks out.
Kim: I can read. I know how words work. [Sequioa laughs] “Wouldn’t it be nice if love could protect you from Avada Kedavra? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if a boy hero appeared to give us all hope, to make us believe that we can conquer a foe we imagine to be so much more powerful than we are? Wouldn’t it be lovely if it was all true? And if enough people believed it strongly enough, well, wouldn’t that be a kind of magic in and of itself?”
Sequoia: [whispers] What the fuck?! Wait.
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: [laughs] But, I… [makes a series of confused noises] See! ‘Cause…
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: ...actual events…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: ...occurred.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No? Okay. [laughs]
Kim: Mass hallucination. Even Voldemort is hallucinating Harry somehow.
Sequoia: [laughs] No! I love it. Why?
Kim: Everyone has so deluded themselves that they have somehow cast a magic spell? Is that what’s happening here?
Sequoia: I think that’s what’s happening here.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: My mind is blown and I love it. Continue.
Kim: I think I just sat there with my mouth open. I didn’t get it at first.
Sequoia: How did she…
Kim: That’s what you did.
Sequoia: Yeah, because what the fuck? Actual event… there were… [both laugh] things. But ‘kay.
Kim: It’s the idea. We want him to exist so badly, we need him to exist, and so he does. And Dumbledore lets us all believe it. That’s fucked up.
Sequoia: Wow. Classic Dumbledore, though.
Kim: [high pitched voice] It’s better for everyone in the end! It’ll all work out!
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] For the greater good.
Kim: [high pitched voice] Dumbledore! [both laugh]
Kim: Yikes. I know it’s strange, but it’s true. We don’t have a hero. It’s not going to be Harry who defeats Voldemort in the end. It will have to be the rest of us. Now, turn around. Can you still see him?
Sequoia: Woooow!
Kim: How do you feel?
Sequoia: Oh my god! I have like, actual, literal, goosebumps.
Kim: Yeah, this is a really good one.
Sequoia: I love that story, a fucking lot.
Kim: This author, I really like their work. The Ginny gets rejected by every house story is also really good. And this one is VERY good.
Sequoia: Oh my god, that was fucking BONKERS and I loved it!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Every once in a while you get these fanfics that are like the truth is not what it seems!
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And I think this one does it really well.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I like how it… how it ended.
Kim: Mhm, yeah.
Sequoia: A lot.
Kim: Yeah. I think the monologue style worked really well for it, so… yeah.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: All your predictions were wrong.
Sequoia: All my predictions were… ‘cause how the fuck was I gonna… [makes random noises] What?
Kim: Sorry, not sorry!
Sequoia: [groans] Okay, great, wow, that was great. Wow. I have so many...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: ...thoughts. [Kim laughs] About it. That was nuts.
Kim: Well, let’s do something… totally different.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, great!
Kim: I’ve got a second story that’s pretty short.
Sequoia: Okay, I need these pointportunities, honestly. I need them.
Kim: I think… I think…
Sequoia: I think I… I leaned too hard into supernatural.
Kim: Yeah, I didn’t know a better way to describe what was going on there, though. Like, the mass hallucination causing…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The mass delusion causing a mass hallucination? It seemed… supernatural-y to me
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don’t know. I… so I… I was…
Sequoia: I think mystery is actually more apt.
Kim: Yeah? Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, than you thought it was.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Anyway, I got no points, so can I have some points now, please?
Kim: This one, the title is… the title is Draco and Hermione’s Secret Romance. [Sequoia laughs] Sooo…
Sequoia: I love a story that just lets you know what you’re getting into, you know.
Kim: Sooo…
Sequoia: Just tell me what…
Kim: Sooo…
Sequoia: When did it come out?
Kim: The genre is romance and mystery.
Sequoia: What? Did you do a mystery… okay.
Kim: I don’t… the other one wasn’t tagged.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I’ve had that one on my list forever, but I did recently do a mystery binge, yes.
Sequoia: Mystery tags are wonderful.
Kim: They are nothing!
Sequoia: They’re great. [laughs]
Kim: They’re nothing! This sucker came out between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: God fucking damn it.
Kim: I’m not sorry! [Sequioa clears her throat] I don’t know what I’m gonna allow on this, also. That title…
Sequoia: I mean, it doesn’t leave me a lot to do.
Kim: No. It’s also, I’m gonna tell you this story’s only like five hundred words and it’s just the first chapter of what was planned to be more.
Sequoia: [whispering] Ah, fuck, go damn it all to shit. Damn.
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: Okay. Lets see. All right. Draco and Hermione’s secret romance began… when they ran into each other outside of Hogwarts.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: In like a shop or something.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Draco is secretly… like a real book lover in this story.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: He spends a lot of secret time at the library.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: And in this story, Hermione… uh, Ron keeps trying to ask Hermione out and she is dodging it real hard.
Kim: [laughs] Nice tries all around.
Sequoia: Yeah? Well. [laughs]
Kim: Those were all acceptable, I’ll give you that.
Sequoia: I tried! I do try! Okay? I do try!
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes, you do.
Sequoia: Goddamn it.
Kim: We are so bad.
Sequoia: Ugh, kill me.
Kim: At this stupid game.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Let’s go, it’s fine.
Kim: Draco and Hermione’s Secret Romance.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just tell me what’s happening. Excellent.
Kim: Hermione headed towards her first class that morning, Potions.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: She was supposed to meet Harry and Ron in the common room, but they weren’t there, so she thought they’d be at class.
Sequoia: They’re not at class?
Kim: No, they’re not in the common room.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. ‘Kay.
Kim: You know, usually they meet in the common room, then they have breakfast and they all go to class.
Sequoia: Then they all go to class together, and no. They’re… they’re making out somewhere.
Kim: Sure. She was already [laughs] Shit Background Ron/Harry?! I would! She was already late so she quickened her pace. On her way to the dungeon she bumped into Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: Oh, damn it!
Kim: Her books fell down.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: I was so worried that you were gonna cut your first prediction off at Draco and Hermione’s romance starts when they run into each other.
Sequoia: Ah, I should have!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I really should have! Ugh. Fuck!
Kim: Yes. I would have been so excited for you also, ‘cause that’s… this is one of your favorite stupid tropes.
Sequoia; I love this trope! Why did I not guess this?! [Kim laughs] This is the fucking stupidest meet cute and it happens in every god damn romance comedy, and god!
Kim: [laughing] Oh no, we’ve run into each other! Guess we’ll make out! [Sequioa laughs] We’ve been enemies forever and you say terrible things about me, but now we’ve run into each other physically.
Sequoia: Oh no, okay. Great. I’m disappointed in myself, but continue.
Kim: Malfoy bent down to pick it up just as Hermione did.
Sequoia: Oh, nooo! Are their heads gonna bump into each other again?
Kim: Their hands don’t touch, unfortunately.
Sequoia: Their hands don’t touch? Aw!
Kim: Which is what I always want, you know, when they bump into… and you knock all your books to the floor and you’re scrambling for them and then you’re holding hands?
Sequoia; [mumbling] And then your hands touch! And then… and then you make out.
Kim: Your hands touch, and then you look into each others’ eyes.
Sequoia: And THEN they make out?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay.
Kim: And you see something there that you never thought you’d see! What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, no!
Kim: Draco got them first, and gave them to Hermione. Hermione said, “Thanks!” and looked around, expecting to see Crabbe and Goyle and not seeing them.
Sequoia: Okay, never mind. Ron’s making out with Crabbe and Harry’s making out with Goyle! [laughs]
Kim: Nice! Into that! Draco said, [pompous drawl] “Are going down to the dungeon?” Hermione replied, “Yes, I am.” “Cool.”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: How’s that dialogue treating you?
Sequoia: It’s… they said some words… to each other.
Kim: They’re going to… they’re going to the same class!
Sequoia: This is very like… you come here often? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! The school where I go? And live?
Sequoia: Go? Am I going to the dungeon, where my class is? Where I assume…
Kim: Where also...
Both: ...YOUR class is?
Sequoia: We’ve had this class together…
Kim: For years. [Sequoia laughs] And years.
Sequoia: Am I going to the dungeon? Yes. C… cool. Cool.
Both: Cool.
Kim: Coool!
Sequoia: Coooool! I’m also… [trails off]
Kim: Let’s go together! They walked down to the dungeon together. Hermione realized that Draco was looking at her the entire time.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh!
Kim: Her blood began to crawl, but…
Sequoia: [snorts] That’s two… that’s two different, and then you…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Blood began to crawl?
Kim: Yeah, she’s like, gross, Malfoy’s looking at me. BUT, she couldn’t help but feel a bit of excitement.
Sequoia: Oh, wow. This is TEXTBOOK!
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: This is...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: This is so by the book.
Sequioa: It’s…
Kim: It’s beautiful and perfect. Thank you.
Sequoia: I’m impressed by how by the book it is.
Kim: Yes, they’re doing a great job.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah. He’s looking at her. She’s like, ugh, he’s looking at me, but also, ugh…
Both: He’s looking at me! [laugh]
Sequoia: Dumb.
Kim: They were greeted in the dungeon by Snape, who said [nasal voice] “Well, well, Ms. Granger and Mr. Malfoy. Late for class, I see.”
Sequoia: He’s… okay. [laughs]
Kim: It’s nothing. It’s nothing. It’s nothing. Nothing’s happening!
Sequoia: No, they’ve gotten… well, are they gonna get reprimanded?
Kim: They didn’t reply, but just walked to their seats.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Nope, they don’t get in trouble. They’re late to Snape’s class.
Sequoia: Well, they need… they need something to bond themselves. They should have gotten in trouble, you know?
Kim: Right, yeah. And then they have to go to…
Both: ...detention together.
Kim: And then when they’re cleaning the whatever, they…
Both: Their hands touch!
Kim: You gotta get the hand touch in somewhere.
Sequoia: Where’s the hand touchin’?
Kim: Hermione sat next to Ron and Harry, and Draco sat next to Crabbe and Goyle. To Draco, Potions class took forever to finish, because he was excited about something.
Sequoia: Oooohhhh.
Kim: [snorts and laughs] When it ended, he hurried to the door and waited for Hermione to come out.
Sequoia: He was excited…
Kim: To talk to Hermione again! [laughs]
Sequoia: But you’re in the… it’s like… [Kim still laughing] but you were both in the… um… did he run into her on purpose?
Kim: I dunno. It’s not clear. When he saw her, he took her aside. Harry and Ron looked at Hermione, and she nodded. They left for the Gryffindor common room, leaving Hermione.
Sequoia; No they didn’t!
Kim: Yeah, right? No. They’re like, Hermione, come over here, and they’re like, fuck you, Malfoy! [Sequoia laughs] Hermione’s like, no, it’s okay. And, they’re like…
Both: ...NO!
Kim: We fight now! [both laugh] They left for the Gryffindor common room, leaving Hermione and Draco alone. No they didn't. Draco took Hermione out into the garden.
Sequoia: I… I like to think they’re in the dark, dank dungeon.
Kim: And there’s like a...
Sequoia: And there’s a door.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Like, a secret door.
Kim: And then there’s like a bunch of mushroom moss garden?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Yeah, this is like a creepy Slytherin garden.
Kim: My high school had these weird little, like, tiny… like, there’s a door that leads to this tiny little courtyard. The courtyard was too small to stand in because it would also have a tree in it. They were weird! That’s what I imagine here. Like, broom closet sized garden?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, like tiny, tiny moss garden. Tiny dungeon moss garden.
Kim: What’s the point of this? What’s the point of this bit… bit of outside in the middle of the building?
Sequoia: It’s for romance!
Kim: It certainly is. [Sequioa laughs] Those doors were locked, though. I couldn’t get out to sit in the… moss zone. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Hermione, I brought you here to the moss zone! [both laugh]
Kim: She’s like, oh, it’s really... damp!
Sequoia: Very damp! [laughs]
Kim: This is horrible! Is that a slime mold?! Gross!
Sequoia: Great, so he took her to the moss zone?
Kim: I’ve cultivated the shape of my own face! What?
Sequoia: Oh, incredible!
Kim: Took her out into the garden. He sat her down on a bench, and sat next to her. A tingling feeling ran down Hermione’s spine.
Sequoia: What?! Yes!
Kim: Malfoy told her that she looked really beautiful, and that he had secretly liked her since the first time they met.
Sequoia: [sighs] Listen, there’s a severe lack of build up here.
Kim: What do you mean? [Sequoia laughs] Look, we only have five hundred words, Sequoia, we gotta get to where we’re going!
Sequoia: But I thought… I didn’t even think we were gonna get THIS far.
Kim: We gotta get to where we’re going!
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: ‘Cause boy, are we going somewhere!
Sequoia: Oh no! Oh, no!
Kim: The beginning was super textbook, but here we go!
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, great.
Kim: I liked you since the first time we met. Sure was a shame I said all that horrible shit about you. [Sequioa laughs] Hermione blushed. She began to develop feelings for Draco.
Sequoia: Why? [laughs] For what reason? They… it all started when they ran into each other...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...an hour and a half ago [laughs]
Kim: Yes. It did!
Sequoia: God.
Kim: Every night Hermione would sneak out of the Gryffindor room to meet Draco in their special place.
Sequoia: Moss zone. [both laugh] Shit.
Kim: So far, no one had caught them.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause Harry and Ron are NOT paying attention.
Kim: They are not. They’re making out with Vinnie and Greg.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Or whatever. One night, Draco took Hermione to a room in the dungeon.
Sequoia: Don’t like that.
Kim: It had a bed…
Sequioa: No!
Kim: ...and flowers adorned the entire place.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: Told you, we had to get to where we’re going.
Sequoia: Goddamn it.
Kim: We had so little time, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Goddamn it!
Kim: He asked…
Sequoia: Why do you do this to me?!
Kim: He asked her if she was ready, and she nodded.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: They… [snorts] they…
Sequoia: [muffled yelling] I don’t wanna be here!
Kim: They made passionate love all night long. [Sequioa makes gagging noises] [Kim laughs] Look, when I get as excellent a description of sex as this, I have to read it to you, I’m sorry. I got some push back for not doing any smut in the Valentine’s episode, so here we are! They made passionate love all night long.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s it?
Kim: After a while, they decided that they should stop. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yes! Yes! I love it! When they just decide to stop! That is the best! That’s the best. That’s the best! [Kim still laughing] Oh, they decided to stop!
Kim: Aaand we’re done now. Good job, team!
Sequoia: [laughs] A good old high five in there? Oh, man.
Kim: Performance reviews will be available tomorrow.
Sequoia: At least they didn’t do it in the moss room!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: At least they didn’t do it in the moss zone! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, true.
Sequoia: [laughing] Performance review… they decided to stop?! Oh…
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: [laughing] Incredible.
Kim: They decided that they should stop and go back to their rooms, since it was near morning
Sequoia: Wow! Wow, wow, wow.
Kim: They quickly got changed and promised each other to do it again sometime.
Sequoia: [laughing] Is that the exact wording?
Kim: Yes, it is, thank you.
Sequoia: [continues to laugh] There’s… there’s gotta be finger guns involved!
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Absolutely, without a doubt, there’s, there’s a snap and finger guns, and…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Let’s do it again sometime!
Kim: Correct. Buddy! [both laugh helplessly]
Kim: So good!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: I love this.
Sequoia: Incredible, thank you. [keeps laughing]
Kim: Shit! Passionate love, all night long. Until they were done.
Sequoia: All night long, until they decided to stop. At which point they were like, cool, bruh!
Kim: Nice work!
Sequoia: It was like Draco earlier. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: They ran to their common rooms, not attracting the attention of anyone but Peeves the poltergeist.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: Peeves didn’t seem to care, though.
Sequoia: [laughs] Wow!
Kim: Why? Why even include it? [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: Okay, fine!
Kim: Hermione went to sleep and got up as usual in the morning. She met Draco the following night, and continued meeting him for about six weeks. [laughs]
Sequoia: Were they… were they doing it every time? For six weeks?
Kim: I assume. Yeah?
Sequoia: Every night? For six weeks?!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Cool [laughs] What is happening?
Kim: One night she started to feel queasy, and she left early to go back to the common room.
Sequoia: She’s pregnant!
Kim: Gotta tap out, bro. I gotta… gotta head back. I gotta take five.
Sequoia: [laughing] I gotta take… I’ve decided…
Kim: I’ve decided to stop. When she got up there, she puked.
Sequoia: Yes, she’s pregnant!
Kim: And then, so I’m gonna cut in here and I’m gonna say that… so the story does end with Hermione figuring out that she’s pregnant. But she does so by going to the library. [laughs]
Sequoia: Incredible! Of course she does!
Kim: She’s like, I have all this weird stuff happening, I’m gonna go to the library! Oh, I’m pregnant. And the author says that you’ll have to come back for part two to find out what she does about it. And they didn’t write a part two.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So, you know.
Sequoia: I think the author decided to be done…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...with the story.
Kim: Hermione’s pregnant now!
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: What will she do? Find out next time!
Sequoia: Find out next time, never mind.
Kim: Oh no, my mom grounded me!
Sequoia: [laughs] I thought you did all the best writing…
Kim: Now I can’t use the computer!
Sequoia: Oh. Okay. Yeah. There’s a difference from being grounded and being grounded FROM the computer.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: If you’re stuck at home you write a lot of fanfiction, and if you’re stuck at home and you’re not allowed to use the computer…
Kim: Then you write a lot of fanfiction in your notebook.
Sequoia: Then you write a lot of fanfiction in your notebook. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I’m assuming the second half of the story exists in a notebook somewhere.
Kim: Oh, one hundred percent. I think this story… the end of this story probably exists in a lot of notebooks.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: A lot of different people’s notebooks.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think so as well.
Kim: This exact story.
Sequoia: This exact story. Wow.
Kim: They did a great job. Why was it tagged mystery? Somebody tell me. [both laugh] [both sigh]
Sequoia: It was mysterious. The way that they…
Kim: Why they liked each other?
Sequoia: Yeah, okay. Yeah, for sure that. I meant like, you know, the sneaking around. It was a mystery for everyone else. [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs] It was a mystery for characters not… not really dealt with in the story. [both laugh]
Kim: Maybe it would have been developed into a mystery later?
Sequoia: Later?
Kim: They had mysterious plans? It doesn’t seem like they did.
Sequoia: I… yeah, I don’t think it was a mystery.
Kim: I do. I’m very proud of them. They tried so hard.
Sequoia: They did.
Kim: They did a great job.
Sequoia: Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Kim: Making me laugh.
Sequoia: That was very good. What a time. That was different from the first thing you did. [laughs]
Kim: Thank you! Thought I would go in two completely different directions today.
Sequoia: I… hmm.
Kim: You know, I just… I had two very short ones that I wanted to get out of my system.
Sequoia: Yeah. Wow. Thank you. Thank you for that. Well, I guess our prediction recap is that I didn’t get any points.
Kim: You were close.
Sequoia: I hope you guys did! Make sure to tweet those predictions at us.
Kim: Oh, they definitely did, did you hear the fucking title I just gave you?!
Sequoia: I know, but I didn’t… oh, fine! Whatever.
Kim: Like, obviously they were gonna run into each other and then fall in love. Duh!
Sequoia: I know. Damn it! Damn it! You can also reply to our question on our Instagram story.
Kim: And post your predictions in our Discord.
Sequoia: In our Discord.
Kim: If you are a Patron.
Sequoia: If you're a Patron!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Nice! Okay, and now it’s time for…
Both: ...a quick ficssss!
Sequoia: We have a story for you. [laughs]
Kim: We do. Not just a fanfiction story, but an us story.
Sequoia: An us story.
Kim: A story about how we are bad at this.
Sequoia: I mean, no, I think it’s…
Kim: It’s a little bit that we’re bad at this.
Sequoia: I think, we, no…
Kim: Okay, I was bad at this, in a sense. Here’s the thing, I read a story some time ago, and I was like, eh, I don’t think that’s really right for the podcast, I’m gonna put it on my Quick Fics list. And I haven’t revisited it since.
Sequoia: And then I tried to read it on our episode featuring Eric Scull.
Kim: Because you got it submitted to you by a listener.
Sequoia: Yes, and…
Kim: Who did a great job, because they and you were both correct.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And I was incorrect.
Sequoia: So I went to go read this story. I was like, it’s… this story is called Blind Date.
Kim: And I was like, oh no.
Sequoia: And stopped me and was like, is it the story in which these following things happen? And we just looked at each other like, holy shit. This has never happened before.
Kim: We’ve LITERALLY… yeah, that was the first time.
Sequoia: Where we were like, oh, we’ve both read this story, and we’re realizing it right now.
Kim: Because we have that episode where I realized several weeks later that you had read me the story… that I had read the story before.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: The one with the mpreg Lockhart story, which OBVIOUSLY I had read before.
Sequoia: You CLEARLY had read before. Right.
Kim: But I didn’t realize it in the episode. This one I knew right off the bat.
Sequoia: Exactly. So we sat there, with Eric on Skype, while I frantically scrolled through…
Kim: Your list. I mean...
Sequoia: ...my list and found Le Purrrrrrr, which, you know, like…
Kim: Obviously.
Sequoia: Obviously also a gem.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: But we decided that we’d take this fic and we would do it as a quick fic.
Kim: Correct!
Sequoia: So, the quick fic today is called Blind Date. An OC who knows both Hermione and Draco post Hogwarts sets them up on a blind date with each other. They go to this restaurant, they see each other, and they’re like, wow, what, what a miscalculation on our friend’s part. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! We would never get together!
Sequoia: Hard miscalculation. And then…
Kim: Let’s just sit here and have dinner anyway! Oh, no wait, they don’t decide to do that!
Sequoia: No! No. They decide that they’re going to leave.
Kim: Yeah. Yes.
Sequoia: But then they notice that literally every person they know is also dining in this restaurant.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So the only way to stay unseen, together on a date…
Kim: Is to just continue to date!
Sequoia: ...is to just continue to have a date.
Kim: [laughs] Incredible!
Sequoia: And then they… so they decide that the OC… that their friend is going to pay for this meal.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because their friend fucked up so bad.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: So they proceed to order every single thing on the menu, which is fun. [Kim laughs] And then they’re like having a great time, and then they’re like, oh shit, are we having a great time? And then… and then Ginny spots them. I believe it’s Ginny. Somebody spots them.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then somebody’s like, wow! [shouting] Hermione and Draco are here together! And then the whole restaurant of people they know swarms them.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And Pansy’s like, Draco, what are you doing? And Dumbledore is like, what the fuck is this? [both laugh] And like ‘iterally everyone is there, including the Daily Prophet, the reporter who’s just like, I’mma write a story, here I go! You know?
Kim: [snorts] I probably didn’t want to do this the first time I stumbled across it because I didn’t want to do all those voices at once.
Sequoia: Yeah. It is a lot of voices at the end.
Kim: Yeah, but… yeah. So I have it on my list as Draco and Hermione are set up on a blind date at a restaurant where everyone they’ve ever met are dining.
Sequoia: [laughs] And that’s what it is!
Kim: And the reason, well, part of the reason we should have been scared about this is this is by the same author as I’m My Own Grandpa.
Sequoia: Yes, it is.
Kim: They… who is an excellent…
Sequoia: Excellent author. [Kim laughs] I love it. I love their stories.
Kim: Man, that story was good, though.
Sequoia: Yeah. So anyway, that’s our quick fic today.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: We’re actually gonna link that one.
Kim: Yeah, that’s a fun one.
Sequoia: That’s a fun one. We’ll link it in the description.
Kim: Yes, check that out.
Both: And now it’s time for the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew pewwwww!
Kim: Speaking of listeners sending in great shit, I’ve got some Harry/Neville smut!
Sequoia: Fuck yeah! Give it to us.
Kim: That was sent to me by a listener.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: It’s called First Night Back.
Sequoia: [laughs] ‘Kay great, yeah. I like it. Excellent.
Kim: Yeah. And Harry and Neville do it.
Sequoia: [laughs] God, this podcast is a shit show! [both laugh] Oh, let’s just do this.
Kim: Oh, man. So that link will be in the episode description, as well as on our website.
Sequoia: Website!
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also on our website you can find our story submission form, where we got today’s quick fic, today’s rec zone, the episode last time, the episode the time… I dunno. You guys are so good!
Kim: You’re very good. Although sometimes you send me horrifying stuff like, can I read this from recently?
Sequoia: Ugh, fuck.
Kim: Such as this… this… this story that was tagged, “Harry is a tree slut.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Whatever.
Kim: So I mean, it’s kind of a mixed bag.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, I was screaming last time…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequioa: ...about YOUR listeners.
Kim: I… fine. Fuck.
Sequoia: Sending me some fucking... but seriously, send us everything.
Kim: Use the story submission form. You all are doing a great job.
Sequoia: You can also find merch. We have some merch on the website and we’ve also got TeePublic, which has a wide variety of merch.
Kim: And seems to go on sale once a month or so? What are they doing? Doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: Yeah! I’m trying to like, make sure that that stuff gets out onto social media, but, so…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: If you want that stuff on sale just follow us on social media and I will update you when that happens.
Kim: But also, it goes on sale like once a month, so keep an eye out.
Sequoia: Like, once a month. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can find us on social media to follow us for such things as merch sale updates.
Kim: And also the list.
Sequoia: And also the list. Twitter, @Fanaticalfics. Instagram, @Fanaticalfics.
Both: Facebook, @Fanaticalfics
Kim: Yeah, great. Good job.
Sequoia: Thank you!
Kim: Send in emails of all of the things. Oh, if you have a hold for the end please about that Hermione/Draco story I just read everyone…
Sequoia: Oh yeah! Hold for the end please!
Kim: Write us up a quick summary of how you think the rest of that story’s gonna go, and send it in to our email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: Also send in your Yes! Glitter!! submissions.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Send in your address for a free campaign tools for the Trick Everyone 2020 campaign.
Kim: Sure. If you like this podcast and you wanna help out this podcast, there are a few ways that you can do that.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on iTunes. I mean, Apple Podcasts…
Kim: Or Facebook.
Sequoia: Or Facebook. We will shout you out.
Kim: In a year.
Sequoia: In a year! [laughs] It just keeps getting longer. We love it! Keep… keep doing the reviews please! [both laugh]
Kim: Tell your friends, and also every other person if you have no friends, I mean, okay. Tell everyone.
Sequoia: Trick Everyone 2020.
Kim: But you know your friends the best, so…
Sequoia: Yeah, so do that.
Kim: Maybe you have the best pitch for them.
Sequoia: You guys are doing a great job…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...in Facebook groups right now, I’m just saying.
Kim: But also, tell everyone.
Sequoia: Tell everyone. You can also join us on Patreon, become part of the fam on Patreon. We have book club, we have trivia, we have writing competitions.
Kim: We have an exclusive… we have exclusive merch at one of the.. at the top tier.
Sequoia: Yeah. Ohhh!
Kim: We got some really cool stuff coming soon!
Sequoia: Yes, coming soon to exclusive merch Patreon only! The Ginny Weasley/Colin Creevey buddy cop movie poster.
Kim: Yessss.
Sequoia: So, join us on Patreon. After six months of being a Patron at our $7 or higher tier, you get a shout out. On the podcast.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: So here we go. We’re gonna do a couple right now!
Kim: [high pitched, pompous voice] Today’s the day, Audrey! It’s time for us to start our nefarious scheme! Use your metamorphmagus powers to infiltrate Hogwarts and become friends with the Potter brat so that you can convince him to turn to the dark side! [evil laughter] [Sequoia cracks up] Voldemort is going somewhere.
Sequoia: [laughs] And it’s HIM. From Power Puff Girls! [Kim laughs] [dull thud] I’m gonna leave that noise of your head hitting the table IN the podcast.
Kim: Don’t do that.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: Give me one.
Sequoia: Day two of freedom. After approximately four thousand days of captivity, the wind in Snuffles’ hair as he bounds through the dark and empty streets of Little Whinging is a blessing, and a curse. He sniffs the air as though he might be able to pick up a scent of his godson, but instead, he picked up the scent of… werewolf? A small boy is playing in a prim yard. His mother calls “Ryland!” and he’s gone. Will Sirius stay to help this small werewolf become a man?
Kim: [brief pause] What the fuck, dude?
Sequoia: [laughs] I dunno, man!
Kim: Is Sirius gonna have sex with the boy?
Sequoia: No! He’s gonna raise the boy!
Kim: ‘Kay. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you to the Whomping Willows for our theme song, it is Wolfstar. And also the first song on our playlist on Spotify.
Kim: [snorts] Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!