Episode 69: The Second Valentines Special: Another Valentines' Disaster/Your Valentine Awaits (Feat. Colin)
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY YOU AWESOME NERDS! WE LOVE YOU! … we got you a weird present.
Recommendation: The Worst (Best?) Defeat
https://archiveofourown.org/works/16926459
Recommendation: Black Girls Create on Twitter
https://twitter.com/weblackandnerds
Recommendation: Subtle Alterations - Hogwarts Black Student Union - Black Girls Create
http://blackgirlscreate.org/hogwarts-bsu-1/2020/2/subtle-alterations
Kim: I'm not sure what dark wizard did this to me, but my entire vacation that I just got back from, it was very fun. Thank you for asking. I had Hotel Room Service by Mr. Worldwide stuck in my head. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] And it was… [Hotel Room Service tune] da-da-da-da-da da da, da-da-da-da-da da da, da-da-da-da-da da da, da-da-da-da-da da da.
Sequoia: How fucking dare you get him on our playlist?
Kim: [still singing the Hotel Room Service tune] At the hotel, motel, Fanatical Fics! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Nice.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I'm Kim.
Colin: I'm Colin.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. It is our sixty ninth episoooode!
Colin: Yeah! Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice!
Kim: Nice, nice, nice, nice! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: The pains, honestly, that we went through…
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, listeners, if you noticed that we released a stupid amount of content in December, it was our final push to get to sixty nine.
Colin: [laughing] To get up to sixty nine!
Sequoia: We had to get to sixty nine by Valentine's day.
Kim: ON Valentine’s day specifically.
Sequoia: On Valentine’s day.
Colin: That is so choice. That is so nice. I salute you.
Kim: Like, six months ago we noticed this was possible. And we were like well, we're doing it! It’s… [everyone laughs] [everyone sighs]
Colin: I salute you.
Kim: It’s our Valentine's episode about…
Colin: Both hands.
Kim: Sixty nining. [Sequoia laughs] I mean, fanfiction.
Sequoia: [laughing I really… I can’t… I don’t really… [sighs] I don't really have anything to say about that.
Kim: It's the sex number. [everyone laughs]
Colin: It’s the naughty number. [everyone laughs again]
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: Colin, do you remember in middle school?
Colin: Nope. Good question though. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Do you remember in middle school when you… we got those cards at the end of the year to fill out, like, all of the damage we'd done to our textbooks and any fines we'd gotten.
Colin: Uh huh.
Kim: And you, on your card, wrote that you were fined sixty nine cents for being too sexy. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] And you did get sent to the principal's office. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I got sent to the principal's office and she just high fived me a lot. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Nice, nice!
Kim: You did come back very quickly.
Colin: I vaguely remember doing that. I do not remember being sent to the principal's office. [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: Some, like, no fun teacher was like, no, you're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to be funny.
Colin: [chuckles] Hey! Hey there. You can't do a joke we all think is objectively funny. About the sex number.
Kim: Everything about it’s funny. How have you been, Colin?
Colin: I'm doing well. Thank you. How was your trip?
Kim: It's… it's not been so long, you know. You were on recently.
Colin: That's true.
Sequoia: Yeah, you were on very recently.
Colin: Yeah, I was on for [singing] Christmas! Christmas time!
Kim: Sequoia posted on Instagram the other day, because we had another guest, and she was editing the episode. And she was like, guess who our next guest is, and every guess we got was…
Sequoia & Kim: ...Colin.
Colin: Yes! You have to have me back on.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: The listeners, they demand it in a way that is… it continues to be upsetting.
Colin: Good, good. All the Colinheads. We have to have me on for my expertise as a squid biologist. I assume.
Kim: Sure, but we're not doing squid content.
Colin: Oh, no squid… okay.
Sequoia: Yet.
Kim: Right now.
Sequoia: Yet.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Yet.
Kim: Wait a second. Hm.
Sequoia: I don't know. I tweeted the other day a poll asking if people wanted us to do squid month again.
Kim: It was overwhelming.
Colin: Yes!
Sequoia: It was an overwhelming yes.
Colin: More squid.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don't know. I mean, I got some. I’ve had some… I got some squid content.
Kim: You have squid content?!
Sequoia: [high pitched] I may… I got… I may… maybe I got some squid content!
Kim: You know, the listeners apparently already have enough trouble telling us apart. You can’t also do squid content. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Here's the thing; we'll throw a… we’ll… we’ll throw a whole wrench in the game.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Colin’ll do squid content.
Colin & Kim: Ohh!
Colin: I would be… I would do that.
Sequoia: Yeah
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: You’re welcome to bring anything to the table at any point. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I’ll get some prime squid content. [Kim and Sequoia laugh more] Squid content! Another thing.
Kim: Oh man.
Colin: I… [sighs] I don't want to waste too much time, but I saw Cats on Thursday at Alamo Drafthouse and I just can't think about anything else. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] I just… it’s just Cats. It’s all Cats in my head, it's all Cats in my brain. It's the songs. I keep thinking about Andrew Lloyd Webber's little rat face. And I just can’t… I just... it’s all Cats. [Kim and Sequoia continue to laugh]
Sequoia: Listen. Andrew Lloyd Weber is just a series of key changes in a trench coat…
Colin: [laughs] Ohhhh.
Sequoia: ...is what me and our friend Hannah keep saying.
Kim: Yep.
Colin: He’s just two chandeliers is a trench coat. [they all laugh some more]
Sequoia: I was just… I was just… I was just tweeting yesterday about Phantom of the Opera.
Kim: You were! I saw that.
Colin: I saw that
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: And now that song is in my head rotation, specifically the version they did in the last season of Sabrina, and it's just… it's just… there's so much going on in my brain right now.
Sequoia: I can't… wait. They did Masquerade…
Colin: Oh, yes.
Sequoia: In Sabrina?
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: Like the Netflix one?
Colin: Like The Chilling Adventures of… yeah, the night… The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina in last season. And it was just as weird as you're thinking.
Kim: I think you need to talk about this tweet that you sent out, actually.
Colin: Bonkers.
Kim: In case people aren't following your Twitter.
Sequoia: Oh, that's true. So, here's the thing. I was looking for Valentine's day content.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I found a fanfic where Dumbledore decides that they're gonna have a… [laughs] they're gonna have a Valentine's day ball, and it's a masquerade ball. [Kim laughs] And they're, like, the author goes out of their way to make it very clear that Masquerade from Phantom of the Opera just plays on repeat for the entire ball. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Kim: Now, when they're making it clear that that's what's happening, are… how do the characters feel about it?
Sequoia: They fucking love it. [everyone laughs] Like, specifically. Harry is like, you know what? Wow. This is like peak Dumbledore. [Colin and Kim laughing] Like, what a wonderful playlist that's just Masquerade over and over again. He's like, really, honestly, though, a masquerade ball, how fitting. And you're like, what is happening?
Kim: Oh, no! that poor author has never been anywhere outside their house. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Kim: Aww, poor A/N.
Sequoia: [groans] Ohhh! It was… oh, man. That was the… that was like the shining moment of it. You know?
Kim: Yeah, sure, sure, sure. So there's your quick fic.
Sequoia: There's my quick fic. So we’re just doing it all out of order today, folks. [Colin and Kim laugh] But I had to tweet about it because then I couldn't get Masquerade out of my head for two days.
Kim: Sure. Yes. No.
Colin: [singing quietly in the background] Masquerade! Paper faces on parade…
Kim: That sounds really hard. Let's talk about having Hotel Room Service by Mr. Worldwide! [Sequoia laughs] it’s really bad!
Colin: So we’ve all had things stuck in our head for, like, a week.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Do you want to… Colin, would you like to… would you like to mention a specific song from Cats for playlist purposes?
Kim: Sequoia! I thought we weren’t going to put any more Cats songs on there.
Sequoia: There's already… what? You can't say Memory.
Colin: No.
Sequoia: Because Memory is already on the playlist.
Colin: And also, I… I guess I had never really listened to the soundtrack all the way through or seen the video… the movie version of Cats, there, that just… you know, the recorded version.
Kim: The one from the nineties.
Colin: The VHS tape version
Kim: Was it from the nineties?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Of the stage musical. Anyway! I’ve never seen it, ‘cause I didn't realize that Memories is the ONLY good song in the whole play.
Sequoia: Yes!
Colin: Like…
Kim: Yes. That’s it. The only one.
Colin: It is just anchored by that song and that performance, and that's it. So that was surprising.
Kim: That’s the only song in the musical. Or something.
Colin: But mostly, I've been thinking about how in the movie, there… they reprise Memory, and then she goes up to the Heaviside layer and they sing, [singing] up, up, up to the Heaviside layer. But then they sing another song at the end, the… the Judi Dench song.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Colin: Is that in the stage musical? Or was that something they added?
Sequoia: I don’t remember.
Kim: We didn't make it… we were watching the stage musical…
Sequoia & Kim: ...recently.
Kim: [laughs] We didn’t make it all the way through before the madness set in.
Sequoia: I'm not entirely sure that that is in the stage musical, but I'm sure someone will tweet at us. Tweet at us! And…
Kim: Might be Colin. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: But you know…
Kim: Look it up and tweet it at us, right now.
Colin: [laughs] I’ll look it up and tweet it at you.
Sequoia: When I get my hands on that, that song was fucking bonkers.
Colin: That was very bonk…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: I mean, the whole thing, of course, is bonkers. [Kim laughs] But, like, from the begin… it starts out bonkers in a good way where you're like, this is like nothing I have ever seen in my whole life! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] But then it… then it just kind of gets bad in the middle. Like you… like the choreo… like it's all just like stage choreography and it would look cool if it were human beings doing it, but its cat monsters doing it, so it's just like horrifying and boring at the same time.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Colin: Because it's, like, practically animated. Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I don’t know. There’s like… the cat orgy is just so incredibly long. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh. Horrible.
Sequoia: Honestly, though, I feel like… I went and saw Cats after working three weeks straight, basically, with no day off. Like twelve hour days. I was in, like, this holidays induced craze, restaurant anxiety coursing through my veins. [Colin and Kim laugh] And I had my first full entire day off and I was like, we’re fucking gonna go see Cats. And then it re-energized me. [Colin and Kim keep laughing] Like, I left Cats and I was like, I feel alive. I feel creative. I feel wonderful, I… [laughs] And Hannah was, like, [monotone] everything is nothing, nothing is everything. So really, you know, it's all about the… the amount of restaurant anxiety that's coursing through your veins when you go see Cats.
Colin: Okay, that makes sense.
Sequoia: So I would recommend the… the best viewing experience is to crush your soul with, like, capitalist hellscape vibes, and then go see Cats. [everyone laughs in a forced way]
Kim: This is a lot of Cats content, friends. This is NOT a Cats podcast. {Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: What else do people come to this podcast for when Colin’s here, other than to have us talk… not talk about…
Colin: Other than…
Kim: Star Trek content!
Colin: Not fanfiction.
Sequoia: ...Harry Potter!
Kim: Star Trek content! I have a brand and you're not letting me… [groans]
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. Now… now you know how I feel literally every single time Colin is on the podcast. [Kim and Colin laugh] Just you guys fucking…
Colin: I guess it’s all been Cats.
Sequoia: ...talk about Star Trek.
Kim: Fine.
Colin: That movie is only like, what, eighty minutes long? And it felt like it went on for just hours and hours and hours.
Sequoia: Four hours. Minimum.
Colin: And I forgot what a human… normal human face looks like. ‘Cause I just see cat face. Like, I look at my wife, and I see… I can't look at her any more. I just see cat face. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] And I… I… I… I look at my friends and I just see their tails and their ears on top of their head. Like on the top of their human shaped head, not on the sides where human ears… oh! I just can't do it any more. [Kim and Sequoia continue to cry laugh]
Sequoia: Colin texted me, I am Jellicle, melter of brains. [the laughter continues] Okay. We can stop the Cats content now, but just like… great. I just… whoo.
Kim: Oh, man. Okay.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay, so it’s Valentine’s day, and this is a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Happy Valentine's day, listeners.
Colin: [provocatively] Happy Valentine's Day, listeners. [Sequoia laughs] Let me set the mood for you.
Kim: This has devolved. So early.
Colin: Let me set the mood for you. I'm not in the spare bedroom, today. I am in… a bathtub surrounded by lit candles and I'm [laughs] sipping on champagne, and getting ready for a very sensual podcast. [Kim sighs] [Colin and Sequoia laugh helplessly]
Sequoia: [laughing] Kim doesn’t look upset! She just looks like…
Kim: Deeply disappointed.
Sequoia: Why? W… why? Yeah. Why am I…
Kim: Just, deeply.
Sequoia: I… how did I… how did I get here?
Kim: I mean, we're video calling. You and I can confirm, listener, this is true. [Sequoia and Colin laugh loudly]
Colin: Yeah, you can see the flicker of candlelight reflected off the linoleum. It's very romantic.
Sequoia: And in the shadows, Colin almost looks like… a cat person. [everyone laughs]
Colin: No, no, it’s too real!
Kim: [laughs] Oh, yeah, the headphones be mistaken for… okay, okay. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Listen, okay, we are going to read Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: At some point.
Sequoia: It's gonna be now. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I'm putting my foot down.
Kim: All right. Fine.
Sequoia: Putting my foot down. We're not doing reviews. We're not doing any of that stuff.
Kim: It’s a special episode.
Sequoia: It’s a special episode.
Kim: Happy sixty nine day!
Sequoia: Happy… [breaks down in laughter]
Colin: Happy sixty nine! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, wow.
Colin: Which… I don't want to get too blue, and you can cut this but…
Kim: Uh huh?
Colin: Overrated as a as a sexual manoeuver. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Very overrated.
Kim: [coughs] Too blue!
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m crying. Okay. All right. So, Kim, you're going to read us some fanfiction.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Because it’s time for fanfiction.
Kim: Exactly. So let's do the podcast.
Sequoia: Let's do predictions.
Kim: We have like five minutes of content in this half hour that we've recorded. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no. All that Cats stuff is staying.
Kim: What the fuck?! [Sequoia laughs] You never… you never keep our Star Trek content!
Sequoia: No, I do! I usually keep… I usually keep at least ninety percent of Star Trek. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh!
Sequoia: You just don't talk about Star Trek for as long as you think you do.
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: That is true.
Kim: We've done… we’ve done like half an hour of content with five minutes before. I'm pretty sure.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Well, I edit the podcast. [laughs]
Kim: The title of my story is Hearts and Flowers. It came out… two thousand… right after Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Gross.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim: And the genre is romance.
Sequoia: Fuck that! All right. Half of the romantic pairing will be Neville Longbottom.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: In this story n… no one receives flowers. [laughs]
Colin: Nice.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And… [laughs] this story is a secret admirer fic.
Kim: Hmm. Okay, cool.
Colin: Hm. I like that. This one is going to… [exhales slowly] [Sequoia laughs] I’m so bad at predictions. I don't have the fanfiction internal library that you two do.
Sequoia: Yeah, like it helps us anything.
Kim: Yeah, like… like we’re doing anything.
Colin: To help with… all right, yeah. That’s very fair.
Kim: We had a guest get the first guest point since the points reset. Last time.
Sequoia: Yeah, last time.
Kim: So, you know… good luck!
Colin: This one, like most romantic comedies, is going to include an easily fixed misunderstanding between the romantic pair.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Cool.
Colin: This one is conspicuous lack of magic. Different from the… my usual prediction…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: ...that people will not use… that people will not use their magic to solve something. This one is just going to be like, it might as well not have taken place at Hogwarts. No?
Kim: Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia & Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: We’ll…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Do we wanna say we’ll talk about that?
Kim: I mean, we can say we'll talk about that. But yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We can talk about that.
Colin: [chuckles] Oh, boy. This bodes well.
Kim: I think… I think I understand what he's going for.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think so too.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, it’s gonna be more…
Sequoia: All right.
Colin: ...conspicuous lack.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I got it.
Colin: Conspicuous lack. And this is going to include a teacher or a mentor figure that in the… that, like, helps them… the romantic pair get together in some oblique way.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Cool. Like an adult?
Colin: Yeah, and… yes, an adult will be… will have… will have an assist in the romantic efforts.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: I mean, that's a… that's a good… that's a good prediction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: In a lot of these Dumbledore’s, like, that… those two…
Kim: Those two are meant to be and I'm gonna get them together at the Masquerade Ball! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [singing] Masquerade!
Kim: Jesus Christ. [Sequoia laughs] Let’s do this thing! Friends. This story is called Hearts and Flowers. [high pitched voice, used for Hermione throughout] “...hearts and flowers spell,” Hermione said.
Sequoia: What?! [laughs loudly]
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Part of the…
Colin: So instead of lacking magic, it's going to feature magic as, like, the inciting incident of the story. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yes. Yes, it is.
Colin: Cool. [laughs]
Kim: Part of the challenge was to start the fic with the words “hearts and flowers.” So they started in mid-sentence. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Great. So, there's like a… there's like a…
Kim: There's a dash! [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, my god. Hearts and flowers spell.
Kim: Hermione said. “It happens sometimes around Valentine's day. It's designed to reveal your true love.”
Sequoia: YES!
Kim: [laughs] Ahhhh! That's a good one, right?
Sequoia: Yees! We haven't done this.
Kim: True love?
Sequoia: No. Well…
Kim: We haven’t?
Sequoia: Well, we haven't done… I don’t think…
Kim: Like, a soulmate reveal fic?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And those are… those are super common.
Sequoia: Those are everywhere.
Kim: Yeah, there's this one series that I really like that a listener sent to me, where there's, like, a goose that tells you who your soulmate is. It’s real good. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I like that. [chuckles]
Kim: It’s my story. We'll link it somewhere.
Sequoia: [laughs louder] Great. Okay.
Kim: What was I doing? Oh right.
Sequoia: [laughing] Was that the rec zone? We're doing this all out of order today. [Kim and Sequoia both laugh] All right.
Kim: “It's annoying, Hermione,” Harry mentioned.
Sequoia: Yeah, finding your soulmate is so annoying. [Sequoia and Kim make whiney noises]
Kim: As he spoke, a small shower of multicolored heart shaped confetti rained down on him from the air.
Sequoia: Does this spell just happen like spontaneously?
Kim: I… hold for the text? I don't know, man. I think it might be one of those where Hogwarts does the magic, you know?
Sequoia: Yeah, that's like…
Kim: I don't know. We'll see
Colin: Holiday magic.
Kim: I think… I think it would be really inconvenient to have confetti raining around you.
Sequoia: Confetti is always inconvenient. Yes.
Colin: Confetti is fun for, like, one split second. The first, you know, as… as soon as you see it…
Kim: Until it goes in your nose.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: And then you just think about cleaning it up [Kim and Sequoia laugh] until it's cleaned up.
Kim: We’re fun.
Sequoia: That’s got some dad energy.
Kim: We’re fun! Yeah, that was big dad energy. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] [deep voice] Someone has to clean that up! I’m gonna go water in the yard.
Colin: [laughs] And it’s not gonna be me. [Kim and Sequoia laugh some more]
Kim: He swiped it off his shoulders. A trail of it littered the stairs and corridors leading from Gryffindor tower.
Sequoia: Oh, so you follow the trail of confetti to your true love?
Kim: No. It's… it’s… it’s from where he started.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: He’s… it's been raining on him constantly, all day. He’s leaving a trail.
Sequoia: Oh!
Colin: It’s like his own personal rain cloud of confetti.
Kim: He’s been leaving a huge mess everywhere. Someone does have to clean that up. It's Filch.
Sequoia: Okay, I take it back. That is annoying.
Kim: Yes.
Colin: [laughing] Oh, poor Filch.
Kim: “I can see that,” said Hermione brushing it out of her eyelashes. “But it can't be broken until it works. Until your true love is revealed.”
Colin: How fine is the confetti that it gets stuck in your eyelashes? [laughs] Is it like sand?
Kim: It must be like snow consistency. That's horrible. I feel like you would breathe a lot of that in.
Colin: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: Wow. This is not cool. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: I’m too hung up on the confetti. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: “Is that really likely to happen? I mean, we don't know who cast it, and suppose I'm not their true love.” More confetti rained down.
Sequoia: I'm getting confused about the mechanics of the spell.
Kim: Yeah. I think Harry is confused about the mechanics of this spell is what's happening here.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. But Hermione’s gonna…
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ...the next line is, “That's not how it works,” [Sequoia laughs] said Hermione. [Colin laughs] Seems like…
Sequoia: Sounds like Hermione.
Kim: It seems like Harry cast the spell… thinks that the person who is his true love cast the spell, and that's not…
Sequoia: Or the… a person who has a crush on him cast this.
Kim: Oh yeah, maybe, but, “That's not how it works,” said Hermione. “It's for both of you. It happens automatically. I read about it in Hogwarts: A History.”
Sequoia: It is Hogwarts casting the spell!
Kim: “It's the spell that got Godric Gryffindor and Rowena Ravenclaw together.”
Colin: Whoo. Nice. [chuckles]
Sequoia: That’s an interesting background pairing.
Kim: It is. You get that sometimes, but usually when those two are together, Harry's their, like…
Sequoia: Great, great grandchild?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [chuckles] Whatever. She gave him a sly sideways look. “Any idea who it could be, Harry?” Any idea who it could be, anyone?
Sequoia: Aww, is it Draco?
Kim: Harry sighed “I know…”
Sequoia: Is it Neville? [laughs]
Kim: “I know it's not Cho or Ginny or…” “Okay,” Hermione interrupted as Ron joined them on the stairs. “We'll just have to see, then.” I'm not into Cho, not into Ginny.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Who's Harry into today? We all know who it is.
Sequoia: It’s Draco. It’s Draco.
Kim: It’s Ron!
Sequoia: It’s Ron? [laughs]
Kim: No, it’s not. Sorry.
Sequoia: [sighs] You can’t… you can only…
Kim: Yeah, I can't keep doing this.
Sequoia: You can only do so much Harry/Ron in, like, a span of time you know?
Kim: I don’t think that’s fair. [bro voice, used for Ron throughout] “What's with all the confetti?” Ron asked. “Valentine's day isn't until tomorrow.” Oh, he probably said that panicked… panickily, didn’t he, right?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [panickily] “Valentine's day isn't until tomorrow!” [everyone laughs] Hermione pulled him back behind Harry to explain quickly. “Everything happens to you mate,” Ron said when he came up level with Harry again. He clapped him sympathetically on the shoulder. You have all the bad luck finding your soulmate.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, is it bad luck?
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: The confetti is like...
Kim: Annoying?
Sequoia: Not ideal.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, sure. Harry nodded as they arrived in the Entrance Hall, not wanting to elicit further confetti. I don't know what that means. Is it only raining confetti when he talks? That’d be… that’d be funny. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Colin: Well, only when he moves, so if he holds absolutely still it won't rain confetti on him.
Kim: [laughs] At least… at least it seemed that he didn't have someone trying to hurt him this time. [laughs] That is such a low bar.
Colin: That you know of. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: At least someone’s not trying to kill me!
Colin: [laughs] Yet.
Sequoia: Aw, poor Harry. He’s the chosen one.
Kim: On the other hand, apparently even the magic of Hogwarts had decided his love life needed help. How pathetic was that?
Colin: This counts. I get a point.
Kim: In what sense?
Sequoia: What?
Colin: [laughing] Hogwarts is helping.
Kim: Jesus Christ.
Colin: It’s helping him find true love [Sequoia howls with laughter] This totally counts. [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: I mean… I mean, does it? [everyone laughs] Hogwarts… I guess Hogwarts is technically an adult.
Kim: Shit. Fuck.
Sequoia: I don’t know about that one, Colin. [laughs]
Kim: [sighs] We’ll talk about it.
Colin: We’ll let the judges… we’ll let the judges decide. We’ll let history decide. I'll be vindicated.
Kim: How pathetic was that? On the third hand… were there two hands before? [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Whatever. Apparently, there actually was someone out there for him.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: Poor Harry.
Colin: Aww.
Kim: He was distracted from these ruminations by a small commotion as he and his friends approached the Great Hall doors. A laughing Pansy Parkinson was just emerging from the stairwell to the Slytherin dungeons. She was followed by a strong scent of roses and Draco Malfoy’s irate voice [haughty drawl, used for Draco throughout] “Find out who did this! Someone is going to payyy!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, good. Hearts and flowers. So there’s the confetti…
Kim: You’ve got the hearts.
Sequoia: ...and then he smells like flowers. Okay.
Kim: And here comes… I don’t think he just smells like flowers. [everyone laughs] He appeared at the top of the stairs and stomped towards the doors of the Great Hall. Laughter spread quickly among the watching students. Rose petals were scattering themselves at his feet…
Sequoia: Ohh! Okay.
Kim: ...so that he walked on a carpet of flowers.
Sequoia: Incredible. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Colin: You think he'd be more into that. That sounds like something he wants just every day.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: In fact, I'm surprised that Crabbe and Goyle don't just throw flowers in front of his feet as he walks. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yeah! That…
Colin: That seems like something he wants
Kim: That does make a lot of sense.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: This is… Draco, you should be into this.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: He spotted Harry and stomped over. What are you laughing at, Potter? Did you do this to me? Take it off!” He poked Harry in the chest.
Sequoia: [suggestively] Take it off, Harry!
Kim: [starts suggestively] Take it off! Gross.
Colin: [very suggestively] Take it off! [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Hey!” Harry exclaimed and then confetti showered down. As it touched the rose petals at Draco’s feet…
Sequoia: No. No!
Kim: ...there was a bright flash of light. [Sequoia laughs] Two, actually, one of them being Colin Creevey’s camera.
Sequoia: Nice! Way to capture the moment, Colin.
Kim: Colin’s always ready.
Sequoia: He's ready.
Kim: To help.
Sequoia: Not you. Not you, Colin. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I’m never ready.
Kim: Harry found himself taking the two long steps necessary to herd Draco against the wall.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Reaching up and pulling Draco's face down far enough to snog the surprise right out of him.
Sequoia: Wow!
Colin: Woah!
Sequoia: Listen, this spell is like kind of mean because like… it's like… it's an announcement to everyone who's ever… who's… who sees you. You know? You like, oh, there's the flower petals and there's the hearts.
Kim: What if…
Sequoia: And you can't just have like a private…
Kim: What if there’s more than one going on at once and you got the…
Sequoia: Ohh! Then you just… everyone has to make out with each other
Kim: Until the flash of light?
Sequoia: Uh huh. Yeah.
Kim: Do you think they're color coded, maybe? [everyone laughs]
Colin: So that you… you just find your matching color?
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: yeah
Colin: Okay. Yeah, probably.
Sequoia: That checks out.
Kim: So. Draco's arms wound around Harry and something in the back of Harry's mind breathed at last and relaxed. [laughs]
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: Mmm.
Kim: The kiss grew deeper and both boys tightened the embrace.
Sequoia: Okay. There’s people.
Kim: Draco tasted delicious to Harry.
Sequoia: Disgusting. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Oh no!
Kim: [singing] What do you think Draco tastes like? [they all laugh] I don't want to speculate, never mind. Peppermint. Cinnamon. Flowers.
Sequoia: Flowers. I mean, at this point, flowers.
Kim: Flowers. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Draco was all his. They were each other's true love. The spell said so. He wasn't alone.
Sequoia: Aww! Aww!
Colin: Aw! So sad.
Kim: Poor Harry.
Colin: Man!
Kim: I love it when fics are like, Harry's life is hard, guys. [everyone laughs] Because it is!
Sequoia: Awww!
Kim: The poor baby! Distantly, there came the shouts of surprise and outrage from the surrounding students.
Sequoia: Right. There's still people there.
Kim: “Harry! That’s…”
Colin: There’s so many people there. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: “That’s Malfoy!” from Ron.
Sequoia: Classic Ron, honestly.
Kim: Ron always, every time, every… every Drarry fic Ron's like, what the fuck are you doing?!
Colin: Yes. [laughs]
Kim: That guy’s a racist asshole!
Sequoia: Ron is the everyman, honestly.
Kim: “I thought so,” from Hermione.
Sequoia: And Hermione always knows, too!
Kim: Every time! Every time! This is so…
Colin: Yeah! Yes! In every… every time. [laughs]
Kim: “Draco Malfoy, you let go of him this instant!” That had to be Pansy.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Weird that she wants Draco to let go of Harry. Usually she's very protective of Draco, you know? Just like…
Sequoia: Right, but…
Kim: You would think she’d be like, Harry, let the f… let go of my boyfriend.
Sequoia: Yeah [laughs] Draco’s like, god, I'm not your boyfriend. How many times?
Kim: “Whoa. That's hot.” [everyone laughs] Who’s into it? You wanna guess who’s into it?
Sequoia: Colin Creevey!
Kim: You wanna guess, Colin?
Colin: He’s into it.
Kim: Disturbingly, that was Ginny Weasley.
Sequoia: YES!
Colin: Ah, yes. Even better.
Sequoia: Yeeeeah! [laughs]
Kim: Funny.
Colin: She wants a piece of that action.
Kim: She wants to watch that. All day.
Sequoia: She would be. [laughs]
Kim: Would she? [everyone laughs] She just wants Harry to be happy.
Sequoia: Fanfic Ginny would be into that.
Kim: All right. Fine. Why not? [Colin laughs] They ignored them all, sinking deeper into their own warm little world. It was somehow easy. [Sequoia makes small noises] What?
Sequoia: I mean? [laughs]
Colin: Yeah?
Sequoia: Are we…? Ah, just ignore all of them.
Kim: It was somehow…
Colin: Ignore all the other people.
Kim: ...easy to keep from just devouring each other in mindless lust. It's easy to not do that, I guess. I don't know. They… they do seem to be doing that, though. Don't they?
Sequoia: Yeah, I thought that was already happening.
Kim: I don’t know whats… I don’t… hmm?
Colin: Yeah, I think that's what they're already doing.
Kim: There would be time. For now, it was enough to taste each other and be close. [Sequoia makes retching noises] You… you are devouring each other in mindless lust. Like, I don't know what you're thinking, Harry. That's what you're doing.
Sequoia: Ugh, I hate that. Why?
Kim: Oh no, wait.
Colin: I mean, I guess their… their clothes are still on.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Colin: They’re not doing it in front of the hall, for which everyone should be grateful. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: I guess I did… yeah. This is what I get for talking in the middle of a paragraph. A good thing, too. Harry wanted their first time to be in private.
Sequoia: This is… like, this escalated…
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: ...so quickly!
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Harry was like, I don't even know who my soulmate might be like, literally five minutes ago. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And now they're like, wow, we’re tasting each other…
Kim: Harry’s like, I'm gonna do it with you, but maybe not right now. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Ahhh! Don't do it in the middle of the Great Hall. What the fuck? [Coiln laughs] Gross. When they pulled back for air, Draco looked down at Harry and… [everyone laughs] Oh, yeah, horrible.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. I love that.
Kim: How are people in fanfiction kissing such that they run out of air immediately?
Colin: They kiss… they always kiss so deeply. And it's like the most intense and best thing. Or I guess that's how you know it's written by teenagers.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes, exactly. Teenagers who…
Colin: It’s like, making out is this intense experience.
Kim: It is. I mean, like, it can be but what are they doing that both of them… [laughs]
Sequoia: You gotta…
Kim: [laughs] ...come up gasping for air?
Sequoia: You gotta breathe! You gotta breathe.
Kim: It’s what your nose is for.
Sequoia: Breathe! [everyone laughs]
Kim: They turn blue in the face and then they're like… [everyone inhales deeply] and then they drink some Gatorade. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Have some orange slices. What? What am I reading? [Sequoia and Colin laugh] And when they pulled back for air, Draco looked down at Harry and said very seriously, “It's about time, Potter.”
Sequoia: He said…
Kim: Fucking Draco.
Colin: Is it? Okay, because it seemed like, five minutes ago…
Sequoia: I know!
Colin: ...neither of you had any inkling that this was the case.
Kim: Right?! Yes!
Sequoia: We all got on the same page real fast.
Kim: Hermione was the only one that knew. Whatever. Harry smiled. “Yeah, it is, Draco.” The confetti did not fall. The spell was fulfilled. They grinned at each other and turned together to face the rest of the school. The end. [Sequoia sighs]
Colin: Wow. Wow. [laughs]
Kim: There’s a P.S. here. P.S.
Sequoia: Oh. Great. No,
Kim: P.S!
Sequoia: Yes. Give me that postscript! [laughs]
Kim: Goddamn! Why is there a postscript? After all, the shouting only lasted about half an hour even including Severus Snape. More Valentine magic at work, question mark?
Colin: Stay tuned next time.
Sequoia: I think Snape…
Kim: I feel like… I feel like they included them getting in trouble for nearly doing it on the floor of the Great Hall.
Sequoia: I feel like any teacher would have…
Kim: Because you would.
Sequoia: ...to be like yo!
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: Let’s…
Kim: We’re trying to eat breakfast here!
Sequoia: [laughs] Breakfast…
Kim: It is so fucking early!
Sequoia: … and a show!
Kim: No! [everyone laughs] Anyway.
Sequoia: I got a point.
Kim: Did you?
Sequoia: I did.
Kim: Did you both get points? What was yours for?
Sequoia: I said that nobody was gonna… nobody would give someone else flowers.
Kim: [sighs] [Sequoia laughs] I hate that.
Colin: Except for the rose petals.
Kim: Yeah, there were flowers.
Sequoia: There were flowers.
Kim: Ugh, fine.
Sequoia: I mean, I'll check the tape later.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: For exact wording.
Kim: Yeah, fine.
Sequoia: I'll check the tape. I’ll check the tape.
Kim: Do we… do we give Colin a point for an adult mentor?
Sequoia: NO! [Kim and Sequoia laugh loudly]
Colin: Uh huh, uh huh, yes!
Kim: I guess we’ll put up a poll on Twitter.
Colin: Just because it was the castle, doesn’t mean they’re not a mentor.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: The castle helps the students all the time.
Kim: I mean, yeah, exactly. I think I'm… I’m inclined to give it to him, I think.
Sequoia: I'm… I’m gonna put up a poll on Twitter,
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I don't fucking know about that shit.
Kim: You just don't want the guests to be tied with you or whatever.
Sequoia: No, I don't. [laughs]
Kim: Great. Are you… is that… is the board behind… how many points do you have?
Sequoia: I have no idea. [laughs]
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: The points are made up and they…
Kim: And we aren’t tracking them.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Okay, well.
Kim: I have eleventy-three points. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Goddammit. Okay, well.
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: I'm gonna check the tape for my point and Colin’s point is gonna be up on Twitter, so…
Colin: History will vindicate me. [everyone laughs]
Kim: All right, nice.
Sequoia: So I guess we'll go forward from whatever that fucking is.
Kim: [singing] Let's do another one!
Sequoia: Let’s do another one.
Kim: It's your turn now.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Read us some whomever.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: Let's dive into this deep sea of fanfiction.
Sequoia: Let us…
Kim: Together.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Like friends.
Colin: Together.
Kim: Holding hands.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: So that we all go down together and drown and die. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Yes, we shall face the deep as friends. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow. Okay. Here we go.
Kim: Look, if you’re not in a death cult, are you really friends? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I… [laughs] I mean, I think so.
Kim: Not sure if drowning in a sea of fanfiction is really… that’s not the aesthetic I thought we were going for. I thought we were more of a Klingon style death cult.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. Knew we’d get there.
Kim: Hah! Got ‘em!
Colin: We do honor… do honorable battle with the fanfiction?
Kim: That’s fine, too. I mean, yeah, okay.
Sequoia: I mean that's what we're doing, right?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Honorable battle with the fanfiction? [laughs]
Colin: Today is a good day to die!
Kim: [laughs] Nice.
Sequoia: All right, give me those fucking predictions…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...for Your Valentine Awaits. This is a… this was published… let's see. Yep, post Half Blood Prince.
Kim: ‘Kay. We were both in the same time period, apparently.
Sequoia: Yeah. Oops. And it is romance.
Kim: Huh. Your Valentine Awaits?
Sequoia: Your Valentine Awaits.
Colin: Let me tease my mind grapes for the succulent juice within. [Kim splutters]
Sequoia: I really, really don't want to put that in the podcast.
Kim: Look, Sequoia, what’s on your mind grapes?
Sequoia: But… I will. I will. [Kim and Colin laugh] I will.
Kim: Okay. [long pause, with scattered laughter] Okay, here we go. Let me… let me throw some shit out there. Drinny.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: A candlelit dinner.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Valentine delivered by owl.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Got ‘em!
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: Those are all good.
Colin: Someone's Valentine is going to be, like, a magical creature or…
Kim: Horrible, I love it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Rad.
Colin: Rad?
Kim: Good.
Colin: Yeah, someone's Valentine, it will be revealed that they are a magical creature.
Kim: Fine.
Colin: Or maybe they have always been a magical creature.
Kim: Great.
Colin: There’s going to be some kind… someone's going to be under a love spell of some kind.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: Other such intoxication.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Colin: Magical intoxication.
Kim: Why not?
Colin: And… and this is gonna be… Draco/Neville.
Sequoia: Dreville!
Kim: Dreville. That’s some good shit!
Colin: Dreville.
Kim: All right. Who doesn’t love Dreville?
Sequoia: Good job, guys.
Kim: Thanks. What d’you get? Why are you giggling? I hate when…
Sequoia: Nice job with those predictions, you guys. Very good.
Kim: Fuck you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. This is called Your Valentine Awaits.
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: Chapter one.
Kim: No. What? [Sequoia laughs] A chapter fic!
Sequoia: Is it, though?
Kim: There are so few Valentine's day stories and you found a Valentine's chapter fic somehow?
Sequoia: Dude. I found a lot of stuff, okay? [everyone laughs] All right. Chapter one: The Gift of the Century. I think it's one chapter. [Kim sputters] I don’t know why there’s a chapter title, honestly.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Wait, is the chapter titled The Gift of the Century?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughing] Shit.
Sequoia: The Gift of the Century! And I, honestly…
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: Now that we’re done with predictions and I can be a little bit more up front about what's going on here.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: I have no fucking clue why it's called that.
Kim: Why what’s called what?
Sequoia: The Gift of the Century.
Kim: Oh, okay. Great.
Colin: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: Do not recall a gift, we'll see. Maybe I don't remember what's in this story. Okay.
Kim: You were just in a fanfic frenzy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen, I just was like… Masquerade was playing on repeat in my brain, by the time I got to this point, so… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh, no…
Sequoia: Honestly, what even happened to me? Okay. The Gift of the Century. Yep, it was that time of year again. Valentine's day.
Kim: Oh, you got a Valentine curmudgeon story?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nice. There's a lot of those.
Sequoia: I do love a good Valentine curmudgeon story. At least this one's not titled simply…
Colin: Why Did it Have to be Valentine's Day? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Valentine’s Day, Again?! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It’s almost like it happens every year.
Kim: That's some capitalist nonsense.
Sequoia: I mean… [laughs]
Kim: That's what I scream. [everyone laughs some more]
Sequoia: Where hugs and kisses were the new popular fad.
Kim: [laughing] That's nothing. I’m sorry. No, that's nothing.
Colin: Yeah, wait a second. No one has ever hugged or kissed before.
Sequoia: Hugs and kisses…
Colin: Or on a different day.
Sequoia: ...were out. Okay? They were out.
Kim: What were they doing instead? You know what's in now? Colin, go.
Colin: Firm, intimate handshakes
Kim: Horrible. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: With lots of eye contact.
Kim: I was gonna say belly button stuff. [everyone laughs] You got one, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Straight to sixty nine. [everyone laughs even harder]
Kim: Go team! [they keep laughing helplessly, at length]
Sequoia: Kill me! All this lovey dovey stuff was making fifth year Hermione Granger sick.
Kim: Shit! Okay, wait, this came out after Half Blood Prince?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: [chuckles] I love some fifth year AU post Half Blood Prince. What does that mean? Why would you do that? [Colin and Sequoia laugh] I reject book six and book five!
Sequoia: To do what this one's gonna do.
Kim: Oh no! Is Sirius here? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no. Wherever she went, she always saw couples snuggling or even worse, snogging. It was way… [everyone laughs] Sixty nining in the hallway! It was way too much PDA for this bright witch.
Kim: I mean, most PDA is too much PDA.
Sequoia: She too smart for making out.
Kim: Okay, that’s nothing. [Sequoia laughs] That’s nothing.
Colin: I only make out with the library. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] This fic is Hermione/the library. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Aw, man.
Sequoia: You know how Christmas Milk is about like the… the goddess of milk?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: This is about…
Kim: The goddess of the library?
Sequoia: [laughing] The goddess of the library!
Kim: I wish. Wait.
Colin: Oh, man. If it hasn’t been written already, I’m gonna write that one. [Sequoia laughs] It’s me, Hermione, the library. The one you always wanted. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Hermione’s like, yes!
Colin: Yes!
Sequoia: That is literally incredible. Literally. Get it? Liter… literar… [slowly] literally?
Colin: Ohhh.
Kim: Oh, sure. Fine. Yeah, you got us. [laughs]
Colin: Yep.
Sequoia: Let’s see. She was in the Gryffindor common room trying to finish her Arithmancy essay but was disrupted by giggles again. [Kim giggles] She looked up with an irritated look on her face and saw Lavender and Dean audibly flirting on the couch right across from her.
Colin: That doesn't seem so bad.
Kim: Yeah, that's not bad.
Sequoia: They’re just, like…
Kim: They're just…
Sequoia & Kim: ...talking. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah. They’re just talking on the couch.
Colin: Just talking.
Kim: That’s fine, Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione’s like god, fuck you.
Kim: Fuck you. I like the… Dean/Lavender’s cute. I like that.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m into it. She couldn't take it any more. She slammed her textbook shut as loudly as she possibly could, stood up, grabbed all her things, and headed up to the girls’ dorms.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: On her way up the stairs, she called back over her shoulder, making sure the two lovebirds could hear her: “Merlin! Get a room!”
Kim: You’re going to Lavender’s room right now. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] So…
Sequoia: Seems counterproductive, honestly, to say that.
Kim: Also, just like fuck you, Hermione, you judgy bitch.
Sequoia: Yeah! She’s being the worst right now. [Kim laughs] She’s being the worst.
Kim: Like, slamming her textbook.
Sequoia: How dare you speak to each other in front of me?
Kim: How dare you talk in the common room?!
Sequoia: Get a room! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Keep it together, bro.
Sequoia: “You're just jealous,” stated a voice in the back of her head. Jealous? Jealous of what? Hermione questioned back. [Kim and Colin laugh quietly] She’s just… she’s just talking to herself, it’s fine.
Colin: She’s talking to her repressed id.
Sequoia: It’s fine. Yeah. It’s just trying to give her some advice.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Just being a bro.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Hermione questioned back, a little surprised that her mind would say such a thing as that. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Kim: Oh my god. That is… that's nothing. I'm sorry. [Sequoia laughs] I'm sorry, fanfiction. I’m sorry, fanfiction. This is nothing.
Sequoia: Oh, when somebody like… somebody’s inner monologue is just like, hey, you are… you are just jealous, and then you respond back and are like, why would I ever say that to myself in my own head?! [everyone laughs]
Kim: First of all, how dare you, brain?
Sequoia: Get a room! Ugh.
Kim: That’s nothing.
Sequoia: “You're just jealous that everyone has someone to love but you.”
Kim: I mean, I guess in a world where magic and like magical in brain communication can happen, it’s not necessarily nothing. But it is generally nothing.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's generally nothing. “That's not true!” she exclaimed aloud. [Kim laughs] She’s walking up the stairs, she turns around, she's like, get a room, and then she's going up more, and then they hear her go that’s not true! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Oh, no, Hermione, I’m sorry.
Sequoia: They’re like, oh my god. Is she okay?
Kim: Clearly not. Bleleleleleh. That’s them making out. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: They weren’t even making out!
Kim: They are, now.
Sequoia: Now that she’s gone. [laughter dies down, and Sequoia sighs]
Kim: The reason she couldn't do her Arithmancy essay was because she was staring at them judgily.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's all her fault, honestly. After she finished having this difficult conversation with her mind, [Kim and Colin laugh] her eyes landed on her pillow. On it was a yellow daisy.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: And it looked like something was attached to the stem, as well.
Kim: Oh, no.
Colin: Oooh!
Sequoia: She walked over to the edge of her bed with a bewildered look on her face and picked up the flower. The thing that was attached to the stem looked like a piece of parchment.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: She unwrapped it and discovered that there was a note.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: It read…
Kim: Mhm?
Sequoia: “My dearest Hermione.”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “I see you every day…”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “...walking in the halls, but I still don't have the guts to tell you…”
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “...so I wrote this letter. I'm really not into this sappy romance stuff, but the truth is, I love you.”
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “Hermione Granger, I think I always have.”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “I would just never admit it to myself.”
Kim: Why not? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Goddammit. “But now I have. And it was killing me inside.”
Kim: I mean, you haven’t really admitted it.
Sequoia: Well, no, they admitted it to themselves.
Kim: Oh, fine.
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: I would never admit it to myself, but now I have admitted it to myself. Probably this person was having a little conversation in their brain.
Kim: With themselves.
Colin: [laughing] Little conversation in their…
Kim: That is true! They yelled to themselves. [everyone laughs] Horrible. Weird.
Sequoia: “But now I have, and it was killing me inside that you didn't know, but now you do.”
Kim: No, she doesn’t because… fine.
Sequoia: There’s so many ellipses in this thing. [Colin and Kim laugh] “Meet me by the lake on the Hogwarts grounds…”
Kim: Oh, she will.
Sequoia: “...at seven o’clock tonight.”
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “With all my love, your secret admirer.”
Colin: Ooooooh!
Sequoia: Oooh, who could it be?
Kim: [sighs] Okay, okay, so they send it to her attached to a daisy.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: That's nothing. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: I do like that you tried to go somewhere with that, though.
Kim: It’s… Luna Lovegood.
Sequoia: I love that. [Kim and Colin laugh] You know me, I've read it before on the podcast. She couldn't believe it.
Kim: A secret admirer?! Her?!
Sequoia: Someone out there had admitted they loved her?
Kim: Gross!
Sequoia: But who was it? She twirled the daisy around in her fingers and smelled its sweet aroma.
Kim: Daisies smell like shit. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] What? They do.
Colin: Do they?
Kim: Yes!
Colin: [chuckles] Okay.
Sequoia: I don't… I don’t… I… now I feel like I've never smelled a daisy before.
Colin: I can't call to mind the scent of a daisy.
Sequoia: Tweet at us.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: [sighs] …deep in thought. She was going to go. And she was going to find out what this meant. I don't know what that means. I mean, it was pretty clear.
Kim: Man, I hope it’s… I hope it’s Pansy or Blaise. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Or Pansy…
Sequoia & Kim: ...AND Blaise? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Join our throuple!
Sequoia: But what about my thrusband, Ron? [laughter continues]
Kim: He can join, too. Sex cult time!
Sequoia: Woo! All right. Ernie’s here! [more laughter] Okay.
Kim: [quietly] What?
Sequoia: Whoo! All right. It was almost time for Hermione to leave, and she was getting extremely nervous.
Kim: God, I hope we get an outfit description. Please.
Sequoia: You’re not ready. You’re not ready. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Please, Valentine’s day Jesus! [Sequoia laughs loudly] Please, Valentine’s day wizard Jesus, bring me an outfit description! [more laughter]
Sequoia: “Let's just get this over with,” she thought, almost regretting her decision. Key word…
Sequoia & Kim: ...almost.
Kim: Stupid.
Colin: Lame.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] She looked at herself one last time in the full length mirror.
Kim: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Colin: Ah, yes! What is she wearing?
Sequoia: Are you guys ready?
Kim: I hope it’s nuts!
Sequoia: I don’t think you’re ready.
Kim: I hope it’s… you know what? Before you do this, I hope she detailedly describes the Hogwarts uniform. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] I always hope for that.
Sequoia: Robes.
Kim: I was wearing black robes. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: With a pointy black hat. They had my name tags in them. My mom wrote them.
Colin: This one said Tuesday on the inside. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] But it was Thursday. [Sequoia and Kim laugh louder]
Sequoia: Very good. That's not any of it. She was in a blue v-neck sweater…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ...and a long blue jean skirt with slits up this side.
Colin: Hmmm. Mmm.
Kim: Oh, I love it! It’s, like, floor length right?
Sequoia: It’s a floor length…
Kim: Jean skirt.
Sequoia: ...denim skirt. [singing] With slits up the sides.
Kim: And a blue sweater. Ohhh.
Sequoia: [singing continues] And a blue sweater, don’t forget that.
Kim: Oh, no. Is she wearing a jean vest, too?
Colin: Strong 2000s energy. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: I just, like, all I'm doing is picturing Britney Spears in that all denim outfit.
Kim: Yeah, in the… in the denim… yeah, yeah, yeah.
Colin: Yes. And Justin Timberlake in the all denim outfit. Yeah, the 2000s energy is radiating off of it.
Sequoia: Oh my god. It is literally a classic.
Kim: God,I hope she's wearing, like, platform sandals. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, here we go.
Kim: And a toe ring! [they keep laughing]
Sequoia: A toe ring!
Kim: Why did… why did anyone think that was a thing? Wait a second. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: She didn't wear much make up either, just plain lip gloss, and a bit of…
Kim: And blue eyeshadow.
Sequoia: ...blue eyeshadow!
Kim: [yelling] Ahhhhhh! [everyone laughs]
Colin: It’s perfect. It’s perfect! It’s like an episode of Gilmore Girls! Earlies… early… seasons one through three.
Kim: Yeeees! [Sequoia continues to laugh] Lorelai, what are you doing here?
Colin: Yeah, Lorelai, why are you wearing that?
Kim: Lorelai, whyyyy?! [Sequoia and Kim cry laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: [away from microphone] Blue eyeshadow! [crying]
Sequoia: Blue eyeshadow with the all blue outfit. I fucking can’t. [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Whoo! She hurried down the steps and out of the Gryffindor common room, careful not letting anyone see her.
Kim: [cries some more] Why? [Colin laughs] Why? Why can't anyone see her?
Sequoia: I… because… um… it’s…
Kim: Embarrassing.
Sequoia: Because it's a secretive meeting, you know?
Kim: Fine. They'd be like, where are you going in your fancy jean skirt, Hermione?
Sequoia: [laughs] They’d be like, [deep bro voice] damn! Hermione looks hot! [Kim laughs] Where is she going?
Kim: Ron, what are you doing here? [Sequoia and Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Ron can’t get enough of that floor length jean skirt. [Colin chuckles] Whoo! [laughs]
Kim: That’s not anything.
Sequoia: [sighs] Well, she decided that once she got down to the lake, she would give Mr. Bigshot a piece of her mind.
Colin: Oooh.
Kim: Wh… hm… huh… what?
Sequoia: Well, she’s… she’s nervous?
Colin: It’s gonna be one of THOSE kisses, isn’t it? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Mr. Bigshot?
Sequoia: I don’t know, she’s mad?
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia: All of a sudden, she’s mad.
Colin: He was so… so presumptuous as to send her a note. You know.
Sequoia: Yeah. Actually, she thought, he should be happy that I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. I mean, I am the brightest witch of my age.
Colin: [laughs] Goddammit. Be cool. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Like, try to be cool, Hermione.
Kim: [weakly] What?
Sequoia: But technically, that's not what I'm talking about.
Colin: Who is she… is this another brain conversation?
Kim: What is this?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: This is nothing.
Sequoia: [laughs] [sighs] Hermione stopped dead in her tracks, going back over her thoughts. Okay, brain, for once in my entire life, you have totally lost me. [chuckles quietly]
Kim: Yes, that was nothing! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [fake cries] I’m sorry, I love this fanfiction so much. I’m gonna cry. [laughs] Whoo! With more than a million thoughts going through her head, she finally…
Kim: She was having one bad, dumb thought.
Sequoia: She had one really weird thought. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] She finally had gotten outside onto the grounds, surprisingly unnoticed.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Then…
Kim: There's no one out.
Colin: Sure.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She gets stood up. Then she saw him. Even in the dark…
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: ...she could tell that he had bright red hair.
Kim: Fucking boring.
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: Her br… is it?
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: Her brain… [laughs] her brain then flashed her a picture of Ron.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She shook her head, a little disgusted. I mean, it couldn't be Ron.
Kim: Gross. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Could it?
Kim: Rude!
Sequoia: I love it. She quickly ran her hands over her hair, freaking out a little bit.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She took a deep breath and started walking toward him.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Right when she was about to turn away, he stopped her.
Kim: Turn a… what? Okay, she’s walking towards him,
Sequoia: And then she’s like ugh! Never mind! [Kim laughs] So she goes to turn away, and he says, “You’re not leaving, are you?” [pause] This is… there’s… it’s very dramatic, okay!
Kim: It’s not. It’s nothing. [Colin giggles]
Sequoia: Okay. This is my favorite fucking thing about this story.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She knows that he has red hair.
Kim: Uh huh. And she's heard his voice.
Sequoia: She's about to hear his voice.
Kim: Well, he just said don’t go, or whatever.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, she heard his voice. I don't know how close to him she is or is not, but she doe… cannot see his face. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. This is a fanfiction.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: We’ve established this.
Sequoia: That’s a… good.
Kim: This is something that…
Colin: He’s wearing half of a mask.
Sequoia: [laughs] She automatically knew this couldn't be Ron.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: His voice was too deep.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She breathed a sigh of relief.
Kim: [short laugh] Fucking Ron! Blegh!
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus, thank god!
Kim: Nothing.
Sequoia: Thank you, Valentine’s day wizard Jesus. [everyone laughs] “Um, well, no?” she said a bit uncertainly. “Good, because I have something important to tell you.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You already did that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Well, I guess it would be best to let you know who I am first.” [Kim makes confused noises] I don’t know.
Colin: He is wearing a half mask.
Kim: He’s wearing a mask.
Sequoia: [laughs] Full mask. I don't know.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: How can she not see…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...his face?
Colin: It’s fine. It’s fine. Whatever.
Kim: Just continue. It doesn't matter.
Sequoia: He asked jokingly, and while enjoying a silent laugh. Sure. “Well, yes, I think that would be a little helpful,” Hermione said in her bossy know it all tone, hoping he would…
Colin: God. Ease up. Author, ease off the gas just a little. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Man.
Kim: What did Hermione do to you?
Sequoia: She’s such… she’s wearing all blue… [they all laugh] “My dear Hermione…”
Kim: Ew, gross.
Sequoia: ...he said teasingly. “Why so testy all the time?”
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Hermione… Yeah, I don’t know. They’re having…
Kim: Lover’s quarrel.
Sequoia: They’re trying to have a banter. I think.
Colin: They’re…
Kim: Oh. Is this banter?
Colin: They’re having a little bant. They’re having just a little bant.
Kim: This is not banter. I’m sorry. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: These are their version of the bants?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Hermione ignored the question and just glared at the figure.
Kim: You know, a good way to engage in banter is to ignore everything the other person is saying.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Colin: Mhm. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Kim: That’s how I do it.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: That’s why I’m so good at the bants. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Hermione ignored the question, and just glared at the figure hidden in the shadows.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They’re next to the lake. I don't know where the shadow’s coming from…
Kim: There’s a tree.
Sequoia: There’s a tree.
Kim: There’s a tree by the lake. In canon.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: It’s a beech tree.
Colin: Yeah. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Look, if you're not going to tell me who you are, I'll just go.” She trailed off…
Kim: Just get… just look… you’re… argh!
Sequoia: ..turning her back to him. Just fucking get closer! And then…
Kim: She’s, like, shouting at this person from across the lake. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] [shouting] Tell me who you are!
Colin: I’m not getting any closer!
Sequoia: There’s a football length field between them.
Kim: Yes. [everyone laughs]
Colin: That's why the banter is not… not coming off.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: They are very far apart.
Sequoia: They’re just like trying really hard to hear it. She trailed off, turning her back to him. “No!” he exclaimed.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: “I'll tell you.” Obviously, he didn't want her to leave just yet. Hermione turned around slowly and looked at him.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [stifling laughter] There's some parentheses right here, I gotta get this.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: (Even though she still couldn't make out his face because it was too dark.)
Kim: Fine.
Colin: Okay. Fine. It’s dark.
Kim: Fine. It’s dark.
Sequoia: It was too dark. It’s fine.
Kim: It’s night time now.
Sequoia: “Fine. Go ahead.”
Colin: It… it's a new moon, it's fine. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: “I'm…” He paused. [Kim sighs] Did he really want to tell her it was him? Well, she would just have to find out. If she didn't like whom it turned out to be, he would say…
Kim: Incorrect use of whom.
Sequoia: ...it was just some practical joke. Because everyone knew that would be just like him.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: “It’s me. Fred.”
Kim: Ugh.
Colin: Hmmm.
Sequoia: Fred Weasley!
Kim: Yeah. Of course it is.
Colin: Yup.
Sequoia: It’s Fredmione.
Kim: Fredmione is a bad ship. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Lots of people love this ship.
Kim: It’s a bad ship.
Sequoia: Lots of people love it.
Kim: I don't like that ship. [Sequoia laughs] I don't like it. I'm allowed to not like ships.
Sequoia: Yeah, you're allowed. You're gonna get some tweets.
Kim: Hah! Nice. [everyone laughs] Look, I’m just all in on Frangelina.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, so am I. [Kim laughs] Hermione was gaping at him like a fish.
Kim: I hate that word. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I hate that ship, I hate that word.
Kim: I’m feeling very negative.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Look, I’m do… I’ve come down from the high of the beautiful outfit description. [Colin and Sequoia laugh again]
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: All of the unnecessary mystery.
Sequoia: “Surprised?” Fred asked. Hermione nodded warily. “Wow,” Hermione muttered.
Colin: Wow.
Sequoia: “Yeah, a bit odd, isn't it?” Fred asked, while looking into her chocolate brown eyes.
Kim: Noooo!
Colin: Ahh!
Sequoia: They’re here!
Colin: I’m so glad we got one of those. [Sequoia laughs] You can’t… can’t have Hermione romance without…
Kim: Some chocolate? Gaze.
Colin: [laughs] Yeah, without some chocolate.
Sequoia: [laughing] chocolate gaze!
Kim: Just dribble that chocolate gaze all over me. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Yeah. We’re just… without… dancing around the word brown as hard as you can. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: Aw, man.
Sequoia: Hm. Yeah.
Kim: You don’t have to… you don’t have to describe the color of everything.
Sequoia: Yeah, you do.
Kim: Fanfiction authors, you don’t.
Sequoia: No, you do.
Kim: You don’t.
Sequoia: She’s wearing all blue [laughs]
Kim: Not everyone needs a nickname. We know what color Hermione’s eyes are.
Sequoia: “Yeah,” Hermione replied softly, while looking into his baby blues. [Kim snorts] She thought they were much prettier than Ron's.
Kim: You look exactly like Ron but prettier.
Colin: But better. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Better eyes, yeah. Ron’s were more of a greenish blue, but…
Kim: Okay, why are you dunking on Ron?
Sequoia: She’s… her inner monologue… she can't be stopped, okay?
Kim: What did Ron do to you? [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Nothing.
Kim: Exactly! [everyone laughs] He looks like Ron, but better, LOL! Ron sucks! [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: All she wanted to do was look into his eyes forever.
Colin: [hoarsely] Forever.
Sequoia: “Hermione?” Fred asked suddenly but looking a little nervous. “Yeah?” [stifles giggles] I hate this. I’m sorry.
Kim: This is nothing.
Sequoia: Oh, man. “Uh, would it be okay if I…”
Kim: Held your hand? Did some belly button stuff? [Sequoia and Colin burst with laughter] Got all up in your earhole? Romance! [Sequoia and Colin still laughing uncontrollably] What?
Sequoia: I’m dead. I can’t. I can’t read this fanfiction any more. Fred paused and then sighed. “Would it be okay if I kissed you?” Hermione’s eyes widened in surprise.
Kim: People do that? Gross!
Sequoia: She’s like, that’s… did you know that was out? [everyone laughs]
Kim: No, it’s popular again.
Sequoia: “Yes,” she stated, looking at him intently. [pause] Fred looked bewildered about it for a second, but his eyes literally glowed. [Kim and Colin burst with laughter]
Kim: No, they didn’t!
Colin: Like a…
Sequoia: Yes, they did.
Colin: Like a cat’s eye?
Kim: No, they didn’t.
Sequoia: I can kiss you now?! Fwhooaamm! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Ascends to his final form.
Kim: That’s terrifying! Oh god! [laughter continues]
Sequoia: It was a magical creature the whole time.
Colin: [creepily] Look into my eyes, forever! [Sequoia lets out a disgusted noise] Whoaaa!
Kim: She was thinking that she could.
Sequoia: I’m the key master! [laughter] Whoo! Okay. “All right, then,” he said. Fred turned his head to the side and bent down.
Kim: Uhhhh.
Sequoia: Yeah, keep doing what you're doing. Hermione closed her eyes slowly and then parted her lips slightly.
Kim: Or do you think he turned it like this? Uhhhhhh? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: That was a really good visual bit.
Colin: He’s getting some sweet nose to ear action. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause kissing’s out. [Kim laughs] Oh, geez. I can only say that so many times. Hermione parted her lips slightly. Once their lips finally touched…
Kim: But they’re going in with lips parted? They don’t usually do that.
Sequoia: They are. This time… well, no.
Kim: Surprising.
Sequoia: Only Hermione’s lips are parted.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Colin! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Jesus Christ! Once their lips finally touched, they both felt a spark of electricity run through them.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: They were a bit frightened at first, but then Fred deepened the kiss, which made her fly off to Neverland.
Kim: Okay. Fred’s eyes are glowing. [Sequoia giggles quietly]
Colin: Literally. It stated literally.
Kim: What was the… and then there was electricity, and then Hermione flew away.
Sequoia: I think she died! [everyone laughs for a long time] Oh no!
Kim: Did she get on the chandelier? [Sequoia keeps laughing]
Colin: Yeah, she got…
Kim: Go up to the…
Sequoia: [crying laughing] She… she went to the Heaviside Layer!
Colin: She got on the chandelier, and it raised her up off the stage. [everyone laughing] And she flew away from Saigon.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: Oh.
Colin: Oh, my god! [Sequoia laughs] I was so hype after the outfit description, but then… they just made me wait too long for the smooching.
Kim: Yeah. There was a lot of nothing.
Colin: So much nothing!
Sequoia: I cut a bunch in there, too. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yeah, I wanna know what you cut.
Kim: Like Hermione, like slowly approaching and then looking away, and then…
Sequoia: Approaching, and then looking away, and then are you gonna leave? No! don’t leave! I won’t leave. Tell me who you are! I won’t! No? I’m going to leave! No! don’t leave! Tell me who you are!
Kim: That’s nothing. [everyone laughs] Oh, man.
Colin: A bunch of hot nothing.
Kim: Fanfiction authors need editors. Like… like, some really heavy edit, like wow.
Sequoia: They’ve got betas.
Kim: Yeah, but the betas need to be more forceful.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: Like, this whole section is nothing. BAM!
Sequoia: Right. The betas are more for, like, grammar and spelling or whatever.
Kim: Yeah, they are. Yep.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: My betas never told me to cut anything, and I read them now and I’m like, but what if you just told me to cut this whole story?
Kim: This all needed to have been… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. Well…
Kim: The problem is that the betas were the same age and experience level as the authors. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What was the point?
Kim: Well. Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, I am good at spelling. I’ll be a beta. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: That’s what word processors are for.
Sequoia: That’s great. You guys didn’t get any points.
Kim: Correct.
Colin: [laughs] No. I think we got minus points. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Good tries though. Good tries all around.
Kim: No. No. No.
Sequoia: Good, good, good.
Kim: No. No. No. No.
Sequoia: Good tries. I feel... okay. So here’s the thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Is we have a couple segments, but I feel like we already did them.
Kim: [stifles laughter] Whoops. I mean, we could try rec zone some more. We definitely did quick fics already.
Sequoia: We definitely did quick fics already. Especially since I definitely have to put Masquerade on the fucking playlist now.
Kim: Why? Rude. Awful.
Sequoia: [sighs] Here we go.
Kim: You’re so bad.
Sequoia: I love the playlist. [laughs]
Colin: Listeners, you need to send them some Phantom/Harry Potter crossover fic. Eh? Eh?
Kim: Yeah. We haven’t gotten very much.
Sequoia: Yeah, we've gotten a couple but not very many at all.
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Sequoia: So, I guess we… we did quick fics.
Kim: And I did do a rec
Sequoia: A rec.
Kim: That is going to be linked.
Sequoia: So we’ll just do, like, a different… we’re… we’re doing a different kind of thing. Yeah.
Kim: I’ve got something else to recommend. But let’s… let’s go to the rec zone first.
Sequoia: Let’s go to… okay. Let’s… [clears throat] everyone together. We will enter the rec zone. And this is…
All: ...THE REC ZONE! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: That was a disaster, I loved it.
Kim: Thank you. So today, what I'm recommending, the… a couple days ago, when this came out, maybe like a week or so ago, but almost yesterday. Whatever. [Sequoia laughs] I’m having… this isn’t important. Black Girls Create was running a flash fic thing through their Twitter for Black Wizard History Month.
Colin: Oooh!
Kim: And I was reading them and they were amazing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And I loved them. There was also a really good one, I think this was on their website, about Hermione and Angelina, that I think we’ll link directly, but do go check out their Twitter. They had some really good flash fics tweeted at them.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And stuff. So go check that out. They are @weblack&nerds, and they were amazing.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Shouts.
Sequoia: Shouts.
Colin: Very cool.
Sequoia: Okay, cool. Well, that’s…
Kim: Also, go check out those goose stories.
Sequoia: And the goose stories. There’ll be some links [Kim laughs] [Sequoia sings] Masquerade!
Kim: Stop singing. [everyone laughs] Or else I’ll start singing.
Sequoia: Excellent. Well,
Kim: [singing Pitbull’s Hotel Room Service] Meet me at the hotel, and then we’re at the hotel.
Sequoia: [singing along] da-da-da-da-da da da da-da-da-da-da da da.
Kim: [singing] And something, something hotel. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] [singing] Mr. Worldwide at the hotel. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] See? I can do it too! [laughter continues] Oh, man. [Colin sighs]
Sequoia: What’s wrong with us?
Colin: Damn.
Kim: Colin, do you have anything to talk about?
Colin: Yes, I do.
Kim: ‘Cause we let you talk about your stuff at the end of the episode.
Colin: Yes. I have a podcast. It’s called Remedial Sex Ed. You can find it wherever pods are cast. Our first episode of season two should be out right now because it's Valentine's day episode.
Sequoia & Kim: Nice.
Colin: We're talking about The fFve Love Languages, the book, and if it's good or not.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: And if it should be applied to you. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] So, yeah, come listen to us. Season two is going to be bigger, better, more humid than ever, so… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Horrible. What’s your love language, Sequoia? Mine is meanness.
Colin: [chuckles] Negging is your love language? Negging?
Kim: Not negging, no.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: There's nothing even, like, you could remotely construct as positive in my… [everyone laughs]
Colin: Mine is acts of Star Trek, and that's when you watch Star Trek with me. [they all continue to laugh]
Sequoia: Mine is requiring you to listen to my podcast.
Kim: [laughs] Wow.
Colin: Tricking. Your love language is tricking. Tricking your friends.
Sequoia: Oh, no, it’s not even tricking. It’s requiring. Actively. [Colin laughs]
Kim: I don’t think that’s a love language.
Sequoia: Yours isn’t either!
Kim: Thanks. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, great. Go listen to Remedial Sex Ed. We will have a link to the podcast in the description.
Colin: Thanks!
Sequoia: Of course. You can find a list of our recommendations and our story submission form on our website…
Kim: Website.
Sequoia: ...FanaticalFic dot… fuh duh… fanaticalfics.com [laughs] I hate you.
Kim: [laughs] Also on our website, you can find our story submission form. Do send us…
Sequoia: Some stuff. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] I guess, crossover. Colin wants you to send us crossovers.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So do that or whatever.
Kim: Yep, yep, yep, yep. Our time period lends itself to Lord of the Rings crossover.
Sequoia: Really a lot.
Kim: [chuckles] So…
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: Very a lot.
Colin: Perfect storm.
Kim: So… that.
Sequoia: Shrek crossover, also.
Kim: Oh, yeah, if you find a Shrek crossover. [Colin laughs] Like…
Colin: There’s one where Wesley goes to Hogwarts and Harry goes on the Enterprise. It’s pretty sweet. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, my god.
Kim: That sounds good. Did you send that to us?
Colin: [chuckles] I… I… I’ve mentioned it before.
Kim: Huh, okay.
Colin: I think I mentioned it the first time I was ever on the pod. Yeah.
Kim: Huh. I don’t think… I have not read that.
Colin: It’s a hundred and forty four thousand words long.
Kim: Holy shit!
Sequoia: Ahh! That’s incredible!
Kim: Nice!
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: That’s better.
Kim: Shut up, Wesley! [they all laugh] Oh, nice. Nice, nice, nice.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Also on our website you can find links to our merchandise. We have some merch on our website, and some elsewhere.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: On TeePublic.
Sequoia: That’s good. That’s a good merch plug.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Our social media we are @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. We did… and we… we’re… we’re bringing back the tweet at us shit. Apparently.
Kim: Sure, why not? Colin, do you have a Twitter you want to plug?
Colin: Oh yeah, I… not MY Twitter.
Kim: Yeah, your podcast Twitter, obviously.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Obviously, your podcast Twitter.
Colin: [laughs] But yeah, Remedial Sex Ed is on Twitter, Insta, Facebook. We tweet… we try to be good about tweeting, but we’re not very good. But please follow us for episode updates and whatnot.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Cool. You’re Remedial Sex Ed everywhere?
Colin: Yeah. Oh, yeah. At… at… @RemedialSexEd.
Kim: Nice. Cool, cool.
Colin: On all your favorite social media platforms. Oh! My… my bit! The thing I do. And as always you can support me by…
Kim: Oh. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. [Colin laughs] [Sequoia sighs]
Colin: You can support me by planting a sapling, and then writing a message on a piece of paper and planting it among the roots of your sapling…
Sequoia: Oooh!
Colin: ...and then my tree friends will deliver the message to me.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. What?
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Okay. That’s fine, too.
Kim: You can support us.
Sequoia: You can email us.
Kim: Oh, right. We didn’t even get to supporting us yet! [Sequoia and Kim laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Dammit, Colin!
Kim: Colin! Email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Send in your Yes! Glitter!!! content, or else.
Sequoia: Send in your hold for the end, please submissions. Email us your address to get your trick your Trick Everyone 2020 campaign tools.
Kim: We won’t send your address to Colin; you will be safe.
Sequoia: You will be safe. You can... you can support our podcast.
Colin: [laughs] It doesn’t matter; I’m just going to get it. I’ll have it. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Tree friends.
Sequoia: Oh, god!
Colin: Tree friends. Birds.
Sequoia: Ridiculous
Colin: Seashells.
Kim: Sure. Suresuresuresuresuresuresure.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: You can support us by dropping us a review on Aaapple podcasts.
Sequoia: Yeah, Aaapple Podcasts, or Facebook.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: You can Trick Everyone 2020.
Kim: Yep. The campaign continues…
Sequoia: The campaign is going strong
Kim: ...indefinitely.
Sequoia: You guys are doing a wonderful job on social media right now, so.
Kim: We see you.
Sequoia: We see you; we appreciate you.
Kim: You can also support us on Patreon, we're doing all kinds of weird shit.
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: End of thought. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] We have a bonus episode coming out soon on there. And book club is ongoing.
Colin: Oooh!
Sequoia: As always, thank you to The Whomping Willows for use of our theme song, it is Wolfstar and it is the first song on our playlist. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Stupid. There are many more songs on our playlist. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: All right! That’s it.
Kim: By… thanks for coming, Colin. It’s always nice to see you.
Colin: Oh, thanks for having me on. I always have a blast.
Kim: Come visit us soon.
Colin: It was super fun. I will. I should be…
Kim: I mean, your bathtub looks nice, but… [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: It’s getting… it’s getting very cold. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Can’t feel my fingers or toes or anything. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Suresuresuresuresuresuresure.
Sequoia: Suresuresuresuresure. All right.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia & Kim: BYEEEEE!!!!
Colin: Bye!!
Sequoia: Ahh! [sings] Masquerade!
Kim: No.
Colin: Cool. [laughs]
Sequoia: [singing] Meet me at the hotel.
Kim: [singing] And hotel, hotel, hotel.
Sequoia & Kim: [singing] And hotel, hotel, hotel. And hotel, hotel, hotel. [everyone laughs]
Colin: [trying to sing Mr. Mistoffelees] Oh... well… never… oh, how does it go?
Sequoia: [correctly singing Mr. Mistoffelees] Never was there ever a cat…
Colin: Was there ever…
Colin & Sequoia: [singing] ...so clever as magical…
Colin: Man, the lag is really bad.
Sequoia: [still singing] Mr. Mistoffelees… it is very bad! We told you.
Colin: [singing] Oh I never! Was there ever…
Sequoia: Exactly. Then there’s a key change.
Colin: ...a cat… [laughs]
Sequoia: Every song is just a series of key changes! [Colin laughs] it’s the same words, over and over! [Colin laughs and gradually fades out]