Episode 67: Otherwise (Part 2)
Recommendation: A Long Awaited Party
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/375915/1/A-Long-Awaited-Party
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Sequoia: Wayne Brady. [both laugh] Oh, Wayne Brady.
Kim: I yelled so much during the first season of Masked Singer about Wayne Brady. I am so mad. It took me until the internet pointed out it was Wayne Brady to get that. It was Wayne.
Sequoia: Brady. Wayne Brady.
Kim: I love him. [both laugh] What's better than that?
Theme Song: (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)
Sequoia: Hello. I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a Harry Potter fan fiction podcast.
Sequoia: [singsong type voice] It's the podcast part two.
Kim: Yeah, we're doing a part two today. You can probably tell from the title.
Sequoia: So if you haven't listened to part one, make sure to listen to part one before you listen to part two.
Kim: [singsong type voice] This won't make very much sense.
Sequoia: But first we're going to do some shit. We're going to talk about some shit.
Kim: Because we forgot to talk about some shit last time.
Sequoia: Yep, that's true. [laughs] I wasn't going to say that. I wasn't going to point that out.
Kim: I was going to point it out.
Sequoia: And then you did.
Kim: We set a goal on Patreon for when we hit, what was it? 130 and we hit it within two days.
Sequoia: Actually a little bit less than two days.
Kim: Y'all are great, you listeners out there. We like you very much.
Sequoia: We like you a lot.
Kim: I mean, it was a very attainable goal, but we hit it so damn fast.
Sequoia: It was faster than I thought we would. Yeah, so.
Kim: But we are not scared this time.
Sequoia: No. Because we are prepared.
Kim: Yes. The goal- [stuttering over each other, then laugh]
Sequoia: Well, I think the goal was the thing we just really wanted to do in the first place.
Kim: So we hit the goal. We're going to be making a "Yes Glitter" fanzine!
Sequoia: Yes, it is. Yes. Glitter "Crack Fic" zine.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Made by us all together. The Fanatical Fam.
Kim: Yes. So with that in mind, we are opening submissions.
Sequoia: Give us your [Kim laughs] crack drabble. Give us your crack fan art. Your crack articles.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Crack listicles?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Give us literally anything. [both laugh] You know, there's like. There's no, we have no rules, basically. Except for, it can't be more than 2000 words long.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we'd rather you keep it around a thousand words.
Kim: Well, that's the thing. If you want to submit... If we can get, like, get an article that's just a bunch of, like, crack fics summaries. I'm into that.
Sequoia: That's fine, too. Yeah, we just. Yeah, I think we.
Kim: If we can fill a page with. Oh, that was that was a Patreon exclusive, wasn't it? The "Hedwig is a Weird Bird" 85 word story I read.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We could fill a page with 85 word long crack fics. I'm into that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Send us whatever, send it to our email. Include that it's for Yes Glitter in the subject line or something.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So that we can sort those easily.
Sequoia: Yeah. Well we'll keep track of those. You can post them on a site or you can just and send us a link or you can just send us a word document ever or whatever.
Kim: A PDF. A scan?
Sequoia: Yeah. If we have an issue with the format, we will email you back.
Kim: Yep. Yeah. We will work with you on whatever you make for us, we are so excited to make this stupid thing.
Sequoia: Yep. um. We are keeping that open for the next three months?
Kim: Yeah, yeah. I know some people work better with a deadline like me.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both chuckle] Um, so the deadline is going to be the end of April?
Kim: Sure. Why not? We need time to edit the thing and put it together and get it ready.
Sequoia & Kim: For Leaky Con Orlando.
Kim: Where we are going to be throwing them at people.
Sequoia: No, we're not going to do that,.
Kim: I mean selling them.
Sequoia: Selling them to people. [Kim giggles] Excellent.
Kim: Cool. So get your stuff together. Get it up. Get it together. Get it in.
Sequoia: Wow. Okay. We also wanted to talk about. We just had to... We just got to...
Kim: Well, yeah,.
Sequoia: We got to get this off our chests. There was a tweet. Oh, man. Hmm. You want to talk about it? It sent me on a roller coaster of emotions.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I didn't know how to feel.
Kim: Yeah,.
Sequoia: I didn't know what to do.
Kim: So one of our listeners let us know that their. Their spouse is a middle school teacher.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And, um, their student attempted to trick them into listening to the podcast.
Sequoia: And they already listened to the podcast.
Kim: Which is so crazy because there's only, like, five people who listen to this podcast. [Sequoia laughs] It's weird that you found each other.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The three of you.
Sequoia: Also, like I'm not entirely sure if like shouts to the middle schooler trying to trick their teacher into listening to this podcast.
Kim: That is so bold.
Sequoia: It's mind boggling, honestly. Like yeah.
Kim: Revealing yourself. [laughter]
Sequoia: You be like, "Hello, person who teaches me, this is the kind of garbage that I listen to."
Kim: "And I think you'd like it too?".
Sequoia: "And I think you'd like this garbage?" I'm in... you know what?
Kim: Oh, we're so... Wow.
Sequoia & Kim: Wow, wow, wow.
Kim: We like you all so much
Sequoia: Shout outs to everyone involved in that scenario.
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia laughs] Do you want to shout to some more listeners?
Sequoia: I do.
Kim: Let's do some reviews from last year. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: God damn it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Shout out to RachelEliza20, who made up a dance with their sister to our theme song, and they actually sent us a video of it on Twitter around.
Kim: The time this review was posted.
Sequoia: Well, long time ago. We love the dance. It's very good.
Kim: It's so cute.
Sequoia: But actually my favorite part of this review is that apparently we have destroyed Rachel's soul in the best way possible. With "Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt". [Kim snorts]
Kim: That's a good one. This is a good one. This is a good one. This is a good one.
Sequoia: That's very good. That is the best way possible. Like I agree.
Kim: Shout out to Sylvie Lovegood who says they binged the podcast in three days.
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: This is not a race that I think any of you listeners want to win for your own sakes.
Sequoia: Incredible. Shout out to littlesweetpotatofry who confesses that they can't tell our voices apart. So they just imagine us as their last two brain cells. And I can indeed confirm that I am one brain cell.
Kim: We don't get that feedback often. That people can't tell us apart.
Sequoia: Which surprises me because I think we have a similar tone.
Kim: I don't know. Cause I know the Goblet of Wine ladies hear that a lot.
Sequoia: A lot.
Kim: And I don't think we've. This might be the first time we've heard that feedback, actually.
Sequoia: Really?
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: Should I go? What if I went down? [dropping voice to a slightly lower pitch]
Sequoia: Oh, are you trying to get on my level?
Kim: And you went up.
Sequoia: And I went up, [raising voice to slightly higher pitch] like, just kind of a little bit.
Kim: Does this help?
Sequoia: Is this okay?
Kim: Is this good?
Sequoia: Does this make everyone comfortable?
Kim: No, I don't think it does. Shout out to Jenny Andre, who says the podcast makes them feel like they have friends. But here's the thing. We don't count for trick your friends. [Sequoia laughs] Or for trick everyone.
Sequoia: True. Good.
Kim: We don't count.
Sequoia: I like that. That's good.
Kim: Can be your only friends. That's fine.
Sequoia: That's fine.
Kim: But we don't count.
Sequoia: But you do have to go out into the world and then trick others strangers. All right, shout out to Paige who has listened to a "Acronyms/Fuck Sandwich" 50 times. [Kim laughs] Thats the end of my shout out, 50 times.
Kim: Holy shit.
Sequoia: I have no words.
Kim: I... [sighs]
Sequoia: 50 times. [pause] 50 times.
Kim: I have so much more podcast to do today and... Wow.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Shout out to KR Thomas 217 who says the fanfic we cover is fantastic and it really is.
Sequoia: Yeah, I agree.
Kim: We love fanfic so much.
Sequoia: Fanfiction is great.
Kim: I love it so much.
Sequoia: Thank you for your reviews, everybody.
Kim: Yep. Keep sending those in.
Sequoia: We will get to them in approximately when were these...? These are from August of last year. Yeah. In approximately that amount of time.
Kim: So, you know, check that shit out. [Sequoia laughs] Check it out. Check it out.
Sequoia: All right. Excellent. So we're getting into part two. Do you want to do, like, a little quick recap for anybody who might need it?
Kim: Previously on Fanatical Fics: Part one of "Otherwise." Aurors Ginny and Collin were fighting Gabby, who wanted to confront her fiance Draco, about his suspected cheating at the top of our story. The next morning, Ginny got a fake restraining order from Draco and went to tell him to knock it off.
Sequoia: Mmhmm.
Kim: Then she went to go get her wand back from Justin Finch-Fletchly.
Sequoia: [whispers] JFF.
Kim: And they made out for a bit until she cursed him. [Sequoia laughs] Then Kingsley grounded her for being a loose cannon, so she's going to be working as a beat cop in Da' Alley, even though it's Christmas! [both laugh]
Sequoia: It's Christmas!
Kim: And we left off right after Draco sent her a snarky package, making fun of her for getting grounded.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. With the shoes he had in his office for... months.
Kim: Yes. And then in the background of all that, we found out that Ernie MacMillan and Harry and several other people were part of some kind of weird sex cult.
Sequoia: Yep. Love it. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Very good.
Kim: That's where we were. I'm going to let you make, I think, one prediction about what's coming next.
Sequoia: I am going to guess that by the end of this fan fiction, JFF will still have no hair on his entire body.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Is that, uhh?
Kim: I guess that's reasonable.
Sequoia: That's reasonable?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Yeah, you can guess that. Alright. Let's jump back into our story. "Ron! You'll never believe!"
Sequoia: Yes, he will. You're a loose cannon.
Kim: Ginny cut off a horrified, garbled shriek spilling out of her lips because there were certain things that Ginny wished never to see.
Sequoia: Oh,no. What's happening?
Kim: One of them was her slightly older brother, pinning Draco Malfoy to the wall.
Sequoia: [cheering] Yes! Yes! Yes!
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: [singsong type voice] Background Dron.
Kim: I mean, this isn't the background. This is pretty central.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah. I mean, it depends on how long it happens.
Kim: This is the through line.
Sequoia: This is the through line.
Kim: Draco is cheating.
Sequoia: Oh, right! With his secretary.
Kim: [whispers] Yes. [Sequoia breathily laughs] This is the through line. It's so good.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: "Ron!" One of them was her slightly older brother, pinning Draco Malfoy to the wall of his kitchen with his mouth and hands in completely inappropriate places.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! Yeah, they avoid each other at all costs. They don't...
Kim: Yeah, they have an understanding.
Sequoia: They have an understanding that's uhh.
Kim: They don't talk.
Sequoia: They don't talk, they just-.
Sequoia & Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: [chuckling] Stupid.
Kim: "You're the pale assed mistress! [Sequoia laughs] Oh, my very dear God."
Sequoia: Correct.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yes. This is the correct response.
Kim: She clapped both her hands over her eyes. "My brain is liquefying as we speak. My vision can't be trusted. What the hell happened to avoiding each other at all costs?"
Sequoia: They're not talking. To each other.
Kim: Draco is just so...
Sequoia & Kim: Hot.
Kim: How is Ron supposed to cope?
Sequoia: Exactly. It's only....
Kim: With how hot he is. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: I bet the secretarial pool does NOT know. [Kim makes a suggesting noise] Ah they... [both make the 'maybe' noise] I don't know.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: I mean, how did, you know, Draco?
Kim: Know immediately about Ginny's grounding?
Sequoia: Oh, how did Gabby-.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Know that there was a cheating mistress portion?
Kim: Well, I mean, it's Draco.
Sequoia: I don't know. Yeah, I guess.
Kim: It's Draco, fuck him.
Sequoia: He sucks.
Kim: There was a very Malfoy-like snigger, and Ron growled, "Stop it, Malfoy."
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: And Ginny wanted to stab herself repeatedly into the in the face until everything made sense again. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I don't think that's how you solve the problem.
Kim: Yeah, Ginny's not the best at problem solving in this.
Sequoia: She's got kind of an aggression thing.
Kim: A bit. She needed a drink. It was a miracle she wasn't a drunkard at the tender age of 25, what with the way her life was spiralling ever downward.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. A drama queen. What the fuck are you talking about?
Kim: I mean, she's got a brother who's having sex with Draco.
Sequoia: I mean, that's rough, honestly.
Kim: She's having a lot of trouble at work because she can't keep her temper.
Sequoia: That's her own goddamn fault.
Kim: And she's got that weird thing going on with Justin. Justin is very hot. [Sequoia laughts] Her life's so terrible.
Sequoia: She can't deal with this hot guy that wants to make out with her all the time.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: Can't deal with it.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Cannot keep her own temper under control!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You're a loose cannon, [Kim giggling] Weasley. Get it together.
Kim: She peeked through her fingers. "I'm going now," she said, fighting off hysteria. "I'm going to leave. And we're going to pretend this never happened."
Sequoia: Not possible.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Not possible. That image is going to be burned into your brain. Forever.
Kim: Forever. "And you're going to tell Malfoy, who is most certainly not here, [Sequoia laughs] sucking on your neck, [Sequoia yelps] oh, my god."
Sequoia: Wait, he's still at- come on!
Kim: Malfoy is...
Sequoia: Malfoy does not care.
Kim: No, he's like, "This is funny. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck you, Ginny."
Sequoia: I mean, it is a little funny.
Kim: It is funny!
Sequoia: It's a little funny.
Kim: It's funny. "Oh my god! That there will be no more childish-" [both chuckle]
Sequoia: I think it's only going to get worse, my dude.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: "Oh, give over, Weasley," Malfoy said. "Your beef's with Finch-Fletchly. Go sex him up or something." [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. You tell her, Draco!
Kim: Yeah. Her mouth dropped into an 'o.' Then she cleared her throat and almost giggled, "Sex him up?"
Sequoia: Ginny.
Kim: "I don't want to do that."
Sequoia: Ginny.
Kim: "That's not what I want."
Sequoia: Ginny.
Kim: "I don't want that."
Sequoia: Ginny.
Kim: "That's not what I'm interested in."
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: [chuckling] Yeah.
Sequoia: [softly] Ginny's life is not spiraling out of control.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She is just being... [both laugh] She's just being...
Kim: "Fuck him, for Merlin's sake! [Sequoia laughs] You're like some sort of control freak." Malfoy seemed a little more exasperated than the situation warranted.
Sequoia: I mean...
Kim: Yeah, it's weird that he's this invested.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. He just, he's here for a very specific purpose.
Kim: Yeah. And she's intterupting it.
Sequoia: And she's interrupting.
Kim: Just go.
Sequoia: Just get the fuck out of here.
Kim: "Go get some, while I finish getting mine."
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: "You aren't friends with him, are you, Malfoy?” She asked.
Sequoia: I thought you were leaving, Ginny. This is not a time for questions.
Kim: Well, now Malfoy is being suspicious.
Sequoia: Is Malfoy...?
Kim: She just noticed he's more, like, invested in the situation than he should be.
Sequoia: Okay. Alright. Cool. All right, continue.
Kim: "You aren't friends with him, are you Malfoy?" She asked, suspicious enough to drop her hands completely and plant them on her hips.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: She can see what's happened.
Sequoia: She's looking. She's looking.
Kim: She can see, all the business. [Sequoia chuckles] Gross. "You haven't been working up my rage on purpose, have you?"
Sequoia: [high-pitched, strained] I don't know how that helps solve any... What is the point of...
Kim: If you get her worked up enough, maybe she'll snap and go do it. That's what he did with Ron. Maybe. Why not? [Sequoia laughs] I just made that up. Do you think that's what he did with Ron?
Sequoia: I mean, they had to get there somehow.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: That he just like-.
Kim: Bothered Ron.
Sequoia: -Teased him and bothered him.
Kim: Until he finally...
Sequoia: Until one day, Ron was just like, "Fine!"
Kim: "We fuck now!" [both laugh] That's often how Dron goes, actually.
Sequoia: Actually, that's always how Dron goes I think.
Kim: Pretty much!
Sequoia: So Draco's doing it because he really doesn't understand how else...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He's like, "Okay, I'll just help. I'll just help by..."
Kim: Making you furious.
Sequoia: Continuing to... Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Kim: Malfoy sniffed. "Finch-Fletchly is competent, and my mother-" Sorry. [Over-exaggerated drawl] "My mother [Sequoia chuckles] likes him."
Sequoia: Weird. That's very weird.
Kim: That is very weird... Justin's.
Sequoia: Muggleborn?
Kim: Justin's muggleborn!
Sequoia: Absolutely he is.
Kim: I mean, he's very likable, though.
Sequoia: That hair, [Kim snickers] that curly hair.
Kim: Both Ron and Ginny stared at him.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I mean, Well, Ron doesn't really know what's going on, he doesn't TALK to Draco.
Kim: Yeah, right? This is the most words he's heard from Draco in a long time.
Sequoia: Yeah. Besides, like, "Do this paper."
Kim: "Make copies for me, Weasley."
Sequoia: "Get me a coffee, Weasley."
Kim: "Did my mother call, Weasley?" [both chuckle] Sorry. "I'm going now," Ginny said again. She was blocking the entire incident from her mind. She was going to go to work and pretend nothing out of the ordinary had happened.”
Sequoia: Ginny, you are not capable of that.
Kim: Clearly not. And then she was going to get blind pissed and maybe visit Finch-Fletchly and smother him with a pillow. [Both chuckle]
Sequoia: [mumbling] She was gonna smother him with-.
Sequoia & Kim: Something [both laugh].
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: There was a good chance her life would go back to normal then.
Sequoia: If she killed Justin?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sure. [Kim snickers] Sure, Ginny's thinking, you know, very logical, linear, sort of a way. "If I kill Justin,-"
Kim: "Things will go back to normal!"
Sequoia: "Things will go back to normal!"
Kim: "I won't be thinking about Justin anymore."
Sequoia: Exactly. I think, you know, I don't know. She'd have to kill Draco too, though.
Kim: Yeah. I mean, that's just kind of...
Sequoia: That's a given sort of all the time.
Kim: You just do that. You just do that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right. Passage of time. At the pub. She slid into the booth across from Nev and said- [both chuckle]
Sequoia: Kill me...
Kim: Nev?
Sequoia: Nev?
Kim: That's weird.
Sequoia: Wow. I hate that.
Kim: "My brother and Malfoy are doing unspeakable things to each other's private parts."
Sequoia: Wow. That was really leaving that behind. You really just left that right in your...
Kim: Yeah, she blocked that out of her brain real well. She's like, "Hey, Neville, I'm traumatized. How about you?" [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: You got to bring somebody down with you. It's like you and every time you tell me something horrible, you read in fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia chuckles] What?
Sequoia: You gotta share your pain with others?
Kim: Yes. That's how you get it out.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Nev's mouth dropped open, "Couldn't you have phrased that better?"
Sequoia: Nope. That's what it was.
Kim: Yeah, nope.
Sequoia: She's just being straightforward. [Kim giggles]
Kim: Colin slipped into the booth next to her. "What are we talking about?"
Sequoia: She's just gonna tell everyone now.
Kim: "How much I want to hurt everyone right now."
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: [chuckling] Ginny.
Sequoia: She's needs a therapist. What is happening? She needs a therapist so bad.
Kim: So bad! Someone help this Ginny! Neville slid his pint in front of her. "Drink this and it'll all seem much better."
Sequoia: Colin. Don't-
Kim: That was Neville. Sorry.
Sequoia: Oh, Neville. Neville. Don't support this behavior.
Kim: Yea right? "Drink this and it'll all seem much better." "Blurrier, anyhow." Colin said. "How's Da' Alley?"
Sequoia: God. Why is it like that?
Kim: I don't know why they do that. I love it.
Sequoia: Da' Alley.
Kim: "As good as it could be," Ginny answered. "It's Christmas." [both chuckle]
Sequoia: Did you know? It's Christmas!
Kim: It's not Christmas. "I could barely move in the crowds, and Dutch kept trying to steal my nose."
Sequoia: "Got your nose. Get your nose!"
Kim: "Hoo, hoo, hoo! I'm real old!" "They stuck me with Eloise," Colin groused. "A rookie."
Sequoia: Eloise-
Sequoia & Kim: Midgin!
Kim: All your favorites are here!
Sequoia: Everyone is here! Wow!
Kim: I love it. And they're all aurors, no they're not.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Neville doesn't appear to be, at least. "You still got the better deal." Ginny gulped down Neville's ale with a sigh. [Sequoia chuckles] What if Neville needed that?
Sequoia: She's gonna take Colin's drink next.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Mm hmm.
Kim: "Hang on, you can't just bring up Malfoy like that and change the subject," Nev said.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's not okay. There needs to be...
Kim: Yeah, we need to finish that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Colin cocked his head at him. "Since when do you want to hear about Malfoy?" Fair.
Sequoia: [breathily] I mean...
Kim: "Since apparently he's dating Ron. It was Ron, right?" [both chuckle] Nev looked-.
Sequoia: Maybe she did block it out a little.
Sequoia & Kim: Yeah.
Kim: No. Nev look to Ginny for clarification. "Oh, yes," Ginny nodded, emphatically. [Sequoia snickers]
Sequoia: I don't know that I'd call it dating, I don't know if that's-.
Kim: "But I wouldn't call it [Sequoia laughs] dating."
Sequoia: Yeah. There we go.
Kim: "Sex? Yes. Dinner and dancing? No." Judgy much, Ginny? Geez.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: [singing] Someone help this girl.
Kim: I mean, truly, though, there is some judgment. Draco is engaged.
Sequoia: Draco is engaged and awful. Yeah.
Kim: So, I guess some judgment on Ron here. "How do you know? They could be in love."
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: "Stop, stop, please."
Sequoia: Gross. That's worse!
Kim: Ginny dropped her head onto the tabletop. "You're causing deep, irreparable tears in my mind." Colin clapped her back, companionable. "I sort of knew," he admitted.
Sequoia: What?! What the fuck? Colin?
Kim: The secretarial pool knows.
Sequoia: Oh, the secretarial pool knows.
Kim: And Colin knows too. He admitted a little sheepishly. "Pale-assed mistress? They were the only two left in the office that night. I saw them on my way down." Whoops.
Sequoia: Oh. He's good at his job.
Kim: He is.
Sequoia: He's good at his job.
Kim: He's a very good investigator. [chuckling] Colin Creevey.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's the investigative brain, and Ginny's-.
Sequoia & Kim: The muscle.
Sequoia: Yeah. The unhinged-
Kim: The unrestrainable fury?
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: "All right, we are officially not talking about this anymore." [Sequoia snickers] Ginny hailed a waiter and ordered six shots of fire whiskey.
Sequoia: Wow. Okay. Go for it. Shoot for the moon.
Kim: I mean, she did say she was going to get pissed.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: Then she said, "I am getting completely shitfaced, and then I'm going to kill Finch-Fletchly [Sequoia laughs] and then at some point, I hope to get my job back."
Sequoia: No! You're just going to go to prison.
Kim: She has a plan!
Sequoia: The plan is bad! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Colin snorted. "He's in love with you." "I don't see how!"
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Ginny said, waving an arm around. "I've never encouraged him!"
Sequoia: Except for the 20 to 40 to 70 times in the broom closet.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: "You're pretty, outgoing, kind to animals," Nev ticked off his fingers, "and you're kind of socially stunted." [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: She experienced a lot of trauma as a child!
Kim: She did. She did.
Kim: "This coming from the boy who stuttered for the better part of his life," Ginny said meanly.
Sequoia: That's rude! That's very rude.
Kim: That's very mean.
Sequoia: Come on, dude.
Kim: He's you're like, you're only-.
Sequoia: This is like...
Kim: You have two friends.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah! You have two friends. [both chuckle] Be fucking nice.
Kim: [both groan] She actually can't.
Sequoia: "Ginny, get back [Kim giggling] in your box!"
Kim: "Ginny, what are you doing here?" Nev rolled his eyes. He was obviously used to her temper, and that pulled Ginny up short, because there had been a time before Johnson - and, come to think of it, Johnson was friends with Finch-Fletchly as well, wasn't he?- When Ginny hadn't been so prone to indiscriminate yelling and rage blackouts.
Sequoia: Rage blackouts?!
Kim: What? Who's rage blackouting?
Sequoia: Somebody- somebody! Someone help, somebody help!
Kim: She- [breaks into chuckles].
Sequoia: She needs a lot of things!
Kim: Yes
Sequoia: She has a lot of something.
Kim: So I think what this story is saying is that Malfoy and Johnson have been winding Ginny up, like her rage. Because that's the only way they know how to get someone with...
Sequoia: Oh, is Johnson the one she hexed all the bones out of the fingers of?
Kim: Yeah. She hexed all his fingers off or something.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay. Right.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So what... What the fuck? [Kim laughs] This is a fucking horrible plan!
Kim: Yes, they both have horrible plans. Everyone has a bad plan.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Hashtag bad plans!
Kim: Actually. She clearly had issues with personal space. And yes, she liked boys who hardly ever talked or moved or drew attention to themselves.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: And. All right. She had a lot of issues.
Kim: Wow. This is all coming from [pause].
Sequoia & Kim: Neville being like-.
Sequoia: "Fine, whatever."
Kim: "Fuck you man, whatever." And she's like, "Wait a second. Did I-"
Sequoia: "Wait a second. Am I? An asshole?"
Kim: "Am I the bad guy here? Uh-oh!".
Sequoia: "Oh shit!".
Kim: "Why did Neville just accept that? Whoops!"
Sequoia: "I might be an asshole."
Kim: Yeah. That's pretty good, though. This is some good introspection.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Kind of, I guess.
Sequoia & Kim: Sort of.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: You'd think a girl with six older brothers would be better about life and love. Or maybe you wouldn't.
Sequoia: No, I think I wouldn't.
Kim: Ron had only gotten mellow about her personal life in the past few years, ever since- oh god.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: He'd been fooling around with Malfoy for fucking ever, hadn't he?
Sequoia: Yep! Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes!
Kim: Whoo! [both laugh] Fucking around with Malfoy's apparently helped Ron. He's actually been really chill this whole story.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's really calmed down a lot.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But.
Kim: Yeah? [Kim chuckles]
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no!
Kim: Yeah, alright. We're going to cut to Ministry Incident Report #54098.
Sequoia: The murder of Justin Finch-Fletchly. [both laugh].
Kim: No, she was having some good introspection. I think she changed her mind about murdering him. Report compiled by Auror G. Weasley. At approximately 7:25 p.m., Mr. Ron Weasley buzzed security for help with one Miss Gabrielle Delacour, who had shown up at the law offices of Malfoy and Boot and proceeded to attack R. Weasley.
Sequoia: I mean...
Kim: Yes. Auror Creevey, and I responded, arriving at approximately 7:30 p.m., at which time Ms. Delacour was screaming at a pitch only creps could hear and waving her wand around dangerously. At approximately 7:35 p.m., I was hit by a Stunner and knocked out.
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: Let it be noted that I was rendered temporarily blind by the sight of R. Weasley without his trousers on, in the presence of-
Sequoia: Oh my god. Oh my god!
Kim: They're fucking in their office.
Sequoia: In their office!
Kim: I mean, they were doing that before, but last time they were doing that, it was like 11 p.m. at night. 7:30 is not that late.
Sequoia: Yeah. 7:30 is way too early to be fucking in the office.
Kim: Yuppp.
Sequoia: Here's the thing [chuckles].
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: Gabrielle has already shown, that she will just show the fuck up.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And like, kick whomever's ass, whomever is in front of her.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Maybe [Kim chuckling] don't do that.
Kim: Malfoy is so stupid though.
Sequoia: So dumb.
Kim: R. Weasely without his trousers on in the presence of Malfoy equally naked. Let it also be noted that this blindness was the reason Miss Delacour was able to incapacitate me, and that this incident had nothing to do with Auror incompetence on my part, or the part of my partner. [Sequoia chuckling]
Sequoia: Does she have her wand back?
Kim: Yeah, she got it. She didn't get it taken away when she was grounded. She got her apparating license taken away.
Sequoia: Silly. They should have taken her wand away. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. I mean, she didn't... No, she did curse Justin a lot.
Sequoia: Yes, she did, a lot!
Kim: She's having a lot of rage blackouts.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: A detailed report on what happened while I was unconscious attached. Attachment: Report compiled by Auror C. Creevey. [both chuckle] That's her report.
Sequoia: I love these.
Kim: Yeah, I like the reports a lot. Okay. We're going to cut to... Ginny was sporting the mother of all headaches by the time she made it home. She had a knot the size of an egg on her forehead. Her left eye was steadily blackening.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: She fell and like hit her face, I think. [chuckling]
Sequoia: Yeah, but, like, go to the hospital. [Kim cackles] What the fuck?
Kim: Eh, it's not that serious. Ginny can take it.
Sequoia: She's just going blind in one eye! Yeah.
Kim: Ginny can take it! It's just a black eye. And she stretched out on her sofa with a groan and a cold compress.
Sequoia: Okay. Fine.
Kim: She'll be fine.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Kim: When her Floo spat out Finch-Fletchly, she slid the cloth down over her eyes and willed him away with the power of her mind. [both chuckle] "I brought soup," he said.
Sequoia: He's try- He... Come on man! [Kim laughs] He's just here to help after you hexed all of his hair off.
Kim: Yep. She peeked out at him. He was holding up a small paper bag. "What kind?" [both chuckle] He grinned, ridiculous dimples winking, the black and gold knit cap- do you think it's actually black gold or do you think it's like-
Sequoia & Kim: Black and yellow!
Kim: So cute. The black and gold knit cap covering his newly bald head looking disturbingly fetching. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: Does he have eyebrows?
Kim: Doesn't mention it.
Sequoia: I need to know about the eyebrows.
Kim: It doesn't mention. "Pumpkin nut," he said. "No, no. No need to get up. You'll only attempt to kick me and in your weakened state, I'm afraid you'll hurt yourself." [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: He got them.
Kim: "Think you're funny, do you?" She growled, [Sequoia hums] but stayed on put on the sofa. "I'm being perfectly serious." He was. She saw it in his pretty blue eyes.
Sequoia: Pretty.
Kim: "You really want this?" she finally asked, waving her hand to encompass herself, the sofa, the flat, her collection of sharp, [Sequoia chuckling] shiny scythes displayed over the mantle.
Sequoia: Oh wow. Oh wow.
Kim: [chuckling] What is Ginny's life, Sequoia ?
Sequoia: Um. It's so full of anger and violence and sharp things.
Kim: "I'm not saying you're not scary." he said.
Sequoia: She's very scary. Loose cannon.
Kim: Setting down the bag on her coffee table. And maintaining a careful distance. "I still have the occasional nightmare about the broom closet incident." [both chuckling]
Sequoia: What the fuck is even...?
Kim: "But you're pretty and kind to animals." It's exactly the same things Neville said earlier. It's so funny.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's cause they're friends.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And he said it to Neville before and Neville was just repeating his words.
Kim: They're all meeting at Ernie's house without Ginny.
Sequoia: Oh my god. All of them.
Kim: Think this was Ernie's plan? Wait a second.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. No, Ernie would have a better plan.
Kim: You think?
Sequoia: Ernie, with all of those people? [Kim wheeze-laughing] Ernie's got this shit on lockdown! And he would not have this bad of a plan.
Kim: So this is a Draco plan?
Sequoia: This is a Draco plan. Ernie definitely had a plan. And then the little gang left the house, and Draco was like, "That plan is shit. [Kim gigles] My plan." [Kim laughs] And then they decided to go with Draco's plan for whatever fuckin reason. Like, clearly, Ernie's doing something right.
Kim: Because they weren't going to be able to stop Draco from doing his plan.
Sequoia: Oh, I guess that's true.
Kim: Yeah. "You're pretty and kind to animals, and if you just." He inched closer. "Let me touch you-" [both chuckle] Ginny snapped her fingers "Soup first. We'll discuss possible sexual relations after."
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. [chuckles]
Kim: She eyed him curiously. "And I'm probably not going to let you move for a while." This is gonna be the worst sex ever.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: Justin is going to be lucky if he survives this. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: "You are mentally imbalanced," he said. "Yes," she said. "I know." [Sequoia wheeze laughs] And that's the end.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Justin and Ginny have some horrifying sex.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: She maybe cuts him with a scythe.
Sequoia: Mm, probably.
Kim: And she does get fired.
Sequoia: Definitely gets fired. And then... Or-.
Kim: Or?
Sequoia: Or I like to think that they, like, do some, like, mandatory. Like you're on suspension. Like full unpaid suspension.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: Mandatory counseling.
Kim: Mmhmm.
Sequoia: And when you've got a little bit more of this rage [Kim chuckling] under control. This very justified rage from your childhood trauma [Kim laughs] that was never addressed.
Kim: [whispered] Yikes.
Sequoia: Then you can come back to work.
Kim: Then you can look at Justin again.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. I think Justin should maybe set some boundaries right now.
Sequoia: As far as the scythes are concerned? Or as far as [breaks into laughter]?
Kim: Everything!
Sequoia: Everything.
Kim: Like we're going to take this slow. I'm going to not touch you. And you're also not going to punch me.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And she's like, "Okay, we can work with that. "
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds good.
Kim: That would be better than her...
Sequoia: You gotta work up.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: To it. You gotta-.
Kim: Yeah. You eat soup next to each other.
Sequoia: -get a therapist.
Kim: Get. Get... [whispered] Why are there no wizards?
Sequoia: What? Guys! Wizard Therapy! [Kim laughs] Come on!
Kim: One thing that I really liked about this story is that in the relationship tags at the top, you get you obviously have Ginny slash Justin, but you also have Ginny slash rage blackouts. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: Thought it was funny.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: I thought the story was very funny.
Sequoia: It's very funny. That's a fucking weird ass pairing.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: It's a weird pairing.
Kim: I like it a lot.
Sequoia: Very strange.
Kim: I love the background sex cult.
Sequoia: I love that! [Kim giggles] I love Ginny and Colin Creevy's Auror adventures.
Kim: What is better than that?
Sequoia: I want that buddy cop movie so bad.
Kim: Yes. I love that those two hang out with Neville at the bar after work.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So cute.
Sequoia: Excellent. Oh, man. I want to know what happened to Draco and Ron.
Kim: Oh, I think Gabbie probably broke up with Draco.
Sequoia: As she should.
Kim: Yup. And then Draco and Ron had a lot of sex.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: They just like I think they probably like they got Gabbie out of the building and then they just continued on the desk.
Sequoia: I mean yeah.
Kim: And Colin was like, "Could you, could you maybe not? Could you maybe- [Sequoia laughs] Oh god, I'll just close the door. I'll just close the- Oh god. That can't be sanitary, ugh!" [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. That sounds exactly like the Colin of this fic.
Kim: Yep. Your prediction was right. I think.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: He was still bald.
Sequoia: Well, okay. Yeah, I'll take it.
Kim: Yeah, he was small at the end there.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: He hadn't grown any hair back.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: We didn't get a weird timeskip at the end.
Sequoia: We didn't.
Kim: Where he suddenly had hair again.
Sequoia: Yeah. I was hoping for a 20 years later.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: After extensive therapy! [Kim laughs] Happily ever after.
Kim: Yup. Only in Hold for the End, Please. Yeah. Although I think we kind of Hold for the End, Pleased it ourselves.
Sequoia: I think we did. Yeah.
Kim: All right, cool.
Sequoia: And now it's time for.
Sequoia & Kim: A Quick Fics!
Sequoia: So I found this story.
Kim: Sure, one time I found a story [chuckles].
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Shut up. It's a Dramione. [Kim scoffs]
Kim: Are you... Oh, no.
Sequoia & Kim: This is not a Rec Zone.
Kim: I got a sudden terror that you were wrecking another Dramione.
Sequoia: You know I love Dramione. [Kim makes a grossed-out sound] So in this Dramione, the whole basis of the story is that it starts out and Draco is like, "I'm looking for these mints. I cannot find the mints. I really need these mints.".
Kim: What?
Sequoia: And then you're like, "What the fuck is happening?" And then he's like, "Okay, so here's the deal. Every time I make out with Granger, she tastes like these mints. And I would really like to find these mints." And then he goes-.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: To Honeydukes or whatever, and he's like, "I would like to try every mint." [Kim laughs]
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: He tries all these mints and then he's like asking just like random people about the mints.
Kim: Uh huh. Is he making...
Sequoia: Including Blaise. [Kim laughs].
Kim: Blaise is... Is Blaise a boy or girl?
Sequoia: Blaise is a boy.
Kim: Fine. Is he just making out with Hermione because he likes how much the mints taste?
Sequoia: No. It seems like they're just sort of like secretly making out in hidden spots sometimes.
Kim: And it's not just because he likes the minty taste.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: But maybe?
Sequoia: But maybe? He's not sure. [Kim giggling] I think at the beginning of the story, he's not sure. And at the end it's definitely because he likes Hermione.
Kim: Ugh, whatever.
Sequoia: But he just spends this whole fic trying to find these mints [Kim snorts] and asking random people where to find the mints. He goes to the Weasley store. And tries to find mints. And then finally he asks Hermione what they are. And they're like [cracking up into giggles] her parents' weird dentistry mints, [Kim laughs] which is why he couldn't find them anywhere. Because her parents made them.
Kim: And I kind of felt like it was going to be like, "It's my toothpaste. What the fuck, dude?"
Sequoia: No, they're actually mints.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They were weird dentistry mints. But then she was like, "Do you want some mints?" And then he's like, "No, we'll just make out more." [both groan] And that's the end of the story.
Kim: Oh, all right. That's funny, I guess.
Sequoia: And now it's time for.
Sequoia & Kim: The Rec Zone! [airhorn noises]
Kim: Today I'm recommending a story called A Long Awaited Party.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: In this story, the Dursleys have been forced to live at the burrow because of Voldemort.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And it's Harry's birthday, and things are very tense.
Sequoia: Oh, that sounds very good.
Kim: So, that link is going to be in the description of this episode, as well as on our website.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Yeah. Things get tense, things get heated, and it's very good.
Sequoia: Oh, that sounds super good.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Alright, great. Yeah, that'll be. That links in the description of the episode. It's also on our website.
Kim: Also on our website is our story submission form.
Sequoia: [singing] Send us those rare pairs.
Kim: Yeah. Send us more Justin!
Sequoia: More Justin.
Kim: Love Justin.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our merch. We have merch on our website and also a link to our T public where there's various designs and all sorts of different kinds of t shirts and sweaters.
Kim: Any number of things. But our bookmark is still on our website.
Sequoia: Bookmark's still on the website. So are out posters.
Kim: And it always will be. [both chuckle]
Sequoia: And it always will be.
Kim: So check that out. If you want to let us know that your spouse's student tried to trick them into listening to the podcast, contact us on social media. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: You can find us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook at FanaticalFics.
Kim: Actually, you know what we haven't talked about in a while? Tweet us your local fun facts!
Sequoia: Local, regional fun facts!
Kim: There's more of you all the time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So there's always the potential for us to get new regional fun facts.
Sequoia: Regional fun facts, tweet at us! [Kim laughs] I love that.
Kim: We're FanaticalFics everywhere.
Sequoia: You can also email us with your submissions to Yes, Glitter! The crack fic zine!
Kim: Yes, Glitter! At FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you want to help out the podcast, there are a couple of ways to do that. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook. We will shout you out in approximately 6 to 8 months. [both laugh]
Kim: Trick.
Sequoia & Kim: Everyone.
Kim: 2020.
Sequoia: If you'd like to get your hands on the Trick Everyone 2020 campaign tools, including a support Fanatical Fics number one button [Kim snorts] and lots of business cards and a handwritten note from us.
Kim: Email us your address and we -.
Sequoia: We will send it to you for free.
Kim: Won't do anything nefarious with it.
Sequoia: Nope. We'll just send it to you for free.
Kim: So funny when people are like, "I know I'm not supposed to give out my address to strangers on the internet." [Sequoia laughs] And I'm like, "What the fuck are we going to do with your address?".
Sequoia: Yes, seriously.
Kim: We are so lazy. [both laugh] You can also support us by checking out our Patreon.
Sequoia: We're doing all sorts of stuff over there.
Kim: We just did another livestream this morning. That was super fun.
Sequoia: It was very good. We got book club tomorrow.
Kim: Y'all missed a lot of Voldemort voice.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [Kim laughing] Ugh, yeah, you missed it, whatever.
Kim: Got em!
Sequoia: Yeah, we got book club tomorrow. We're doing all sorts of fun stuff. A new writing competition starting soon as well. We'll be starting the second Harry Potter book here in about, uh, today. [Kim snorts] What's, uh, when does it come out? Yeah, about today.
Kim: Sure, why not?
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: So check all of that out. Speaking of Patreon, after six or so months of continued support, you get a shout out to you on the podcast. So let's do those. It's the night of the Hogwarts masquerade ball. Can Nicole get her friend Harry Potter [Sequoia chuckles] to dance with the handsome blond guy (A/N: Guess who? [Sequoia laughs] Winky face with tongue out!) he keeps staring at before the masks come off at midnight?
Sequoia: [whispered] Oh shit.
Kim: This is tagged mystery slash romance. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It's their fourth year at Hogwarts, and the Marauders are already well known for their diabolical pranks and incredible adventures. [Kim chuckles] But this year, there's a new sheriff in town, Gryffindor's newest prefect, Tatiana, is ready to take their house all the way to that house cup trophy. And only the meddling marauders could get in the way. When the mischievous boys’ new scheme is promising to be the prank of the century, will Tatiana send it all toppling down or... Join in?
Kim: Nice. Tatiana is one of the actual prefects in-.
Sequoia & Kim: Our discord!
Sequoia: So, we thought we'd throw that in.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Excellent. Thank you so much for your support on Patreon and thank you so much to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It's their song. Wolf Star!
Kim: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
Sequoia: Tee-hee-hee.
Kim: A-bye!
Sequoia: [singing descending notes] Bye!