Episode 66: Otherwise (Part 1)
Starting off the new year with a multi part story?! Why not we guess...
Recommendation: This good good trans fic twitter account
https://twitter.com/NoTERFSinOurDA
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Sophie H
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Hi, I'm recording, what's up?
Unknown: [distorted through a phone] I'm at Wendy’s and I was going to ask if you wanted anything.
Sequoia: [laughing] Should I leave this in the edit? [laughs]
Kim: No!
Sequoia: I am getting some Wendy’s.
Kim: Don't leave Dad in the edit.
Sequoia: Yes, I do. I do… I do want…
Kim: I want chicken nuggets, Dad. Dad, give me… Dad, give me chicken nuggets! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Do you just want chicken nuggets?
Kim: I just want chicken nuggets! [like a whiney valley girl] Dad!
Unknown: [still distorted] Okay.
Wendy’s drive-through attendant: [distorted through a speaker box and phone] Go ahead and order whenever you’re ready. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [still laughing] Bye!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yes it is! And we are two fanfic fanatics who just cannot stop…
Kim: Get enough.
Sequoia: ...reading fanfiction. Help me.
Kim: Y’know, it's a… it's a new year. We've been doing this for so long, this is gonna be episode sixty whatever. [quietly] Five?
Sequoia: Six.
Kim: Shit. So I thought maybe we would take a second and talk about who we are, what we're doing, and what the deal is.
Sequoia: [sighs] Yes.
Kim: ‘Cause there is quite a backlog at this point. You and I have been going through it trying to add to the playlist, and there's a lot of them.
Sequoia: Episodes?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. We're… we're getting to be… to the point… there's like… so it's sometimes… usually like people will be like, hey, you should listen to this podcast.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And I open it up and there's like a threshold of amount of episodes…
Kim: Yes, yes.
Sequoia: Where I'll be like, oh, god, I'm a completionist. I can't. You know?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: And I feel like we're starting to get to that many episodes, which I think is like…
Kim: For me, it's like thirty. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, for me it's like sixty. Yeah.
Kim: No, I'm not… I'm kidding. I… I… I'm not a completionist with podcasts, usually.
Sequoia: And honestly, I think you don't have to be a completionist with this podcast.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Because wow, we…
Kim: It's trash. I mean, wait, no, it's great!
Sequoia: It's really good. Glad you're here.
Kim: No, It's not… it's not a… it's not like one continuous story. We usually just do one shots, to be honest.
Sequoia: Yeah, usually. That's kind of how we went into it, thinking we only do stories that were released before book seven was released.
Kim: Because that's the best era.
Sequoia: I mean, you can't say that. [laughs]
Kim: I can’t. I… all fanfiction is great. But that was a really weird time for all of us.
Sequoia: Oh, boy. What a time… what a time to be alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we are trying to, you know, sort of capture that era of fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we do it in a one shot kind of way.
Kim: Yep. We read… we… one of us finds something fuckin’ nuts.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Brings it to the other one. Reads it at them until they cry.
Sequoia: And then we're like, hi, I got this for you! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. And we've got a little game we play where we try and guess what's in it. We're gonna do that in a little bit here. And we are really bad at the game.
Sequoia: We're really bad at the game. It's a bit.
Kim: [laughs] Sure.
Sequoia: It's a whole bit that we're bad at the game. It's a bit, right? [pretending to get choked up] It's funny. It's funny. It's fun.
Kim: You know? That bit happens too often.
Sequoia: It does. I'm just trying to, you know, we're… we're acquainting possibly new people…
Kim: Possibly new people.
Sequoia: …with what's happening here. [Kim laughs] Listen, we… last year was, like, incredibly good for us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And now there's a lot of them, the people that listen to this podcast.
Kim: You, the listener, there are a lot of you.
Sequoia: There's a lot of you, and…
Kim: We're happy to have you here. We're happy that you're tricking everyone that you know.
Sequoia: [whispering] Trick everyone 2020.
Kim: And if you have tricked someone, maybe this… that someone is here now.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Listening to this.
Sequoia: The beneficiary of a… of a trick.
Kim: So welcome any possible new listeners. I hope you like what I've found.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez, we're gonna get into it today. But first, we gotta talk about something.
Kim: What’s up?
Sequoia: We got an email.
Kim: Oh fuck!
Sequoia: We got an email. [laughs] We got… we got some…
Kim: We got an EMAIL!
Sequoia: We got an EMAIL from Chelsea, who was like, hey, don't know if you knew this, but both of the stories… the stories you guys read on your new year's episode were written by the same! Person! Oh my god!
Kim: What the fuck did we do?
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god! I'm, like, still kind of reeling.
Kim: Me too.
Sequoia: Because how the fuck did that happen?
Kim: I… that's… that is so improbable.
Sequoia: Right?!
Kim: I mean, there's not a lot of new year's stuff.
Sequoia: No, that's… I mean, yeah.
Kim: But how many people wrote more than one new year's story?
Sequoia: Exactly. And you were on AO3…
Kim: I was on AO3.
Sequoia: …and I was on fanfiction.net.
Kim: Right, and this author didn't post the AO3 story on fanfiction.net.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: And doesn't appear to have pos… well, I don't… I didn't check…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …if the other one was on… on AO3, but how did that… how… what?!
Sequoia: Yeah! That's incredible.
Kim: They… they were so unsimilar.
Sequoia: They were so different.
Kim: I never would have guessed!
Sequoia: They were very different stories.
Kim: That is a… that is a very talented author.
Sequoia: Honestly, I'm super impressed.
Kim: They are on another level.
Sequoia: Yeah I can't even… I can't even aspire…
Kim: Just amazing.
Sequoia: …to reach that kind of prolific… wow.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: I don't think we've ever done anything like that. Like even, like, between episodes I don't know that we've ever hit the same author more than once.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Our listeners can tell us if we have.
Sequoia: Sure, tell us. We don't know.
Kim: They’re watching us. [Sequoia laughs] We don’t know what’s happening. [both laugh]
Sequoia: But yeah.
Kim: But that’s crazy. Wow. Thanks for pointing that out to us.
Sequoia: We just happened to do that. Oh my god, yeah, thank you for letting us know, ‘cause otherwise we would have…
Kim: Never known!
Sequoia: …never known, clearly.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: All right, let's…
Sequoia: [high pitched] Let’s…
Kim: Do some reviews?
Sequoia: Lets… let's do some reviews. We haven't done reviews in a while.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And, you know, we're still back in, you know, fuckin’ July or whatever. So let's…
Kim: [straining] Eh, we’ve maybe made it to August.
Sequoia: [laughs] So let's go ahead and do it. I'm gonna start here.
Kim: All right. Cool.
Sequoia: Shout out to Niki, who hopes we keep this up for a long time. And Niki? Never fear. There are eight hundred, fourteen thousand Harry Potter [Kim starts laughing] fanfics on fanfiction.net alone. So we're set for at least the next hundred years.
Kim: Oh Jesus. [Sequoia laughs] Shout out to ohmygodwhyareallthenamestaken…
Sequoia: [laughs] Why?
Kim: …who says that we are a… we are not safe for work podcast because you will laugh too much, but we're also a not safe for work podcast because I am a nasty boy.
Sequoia: [laughs] I was talking to my mom the other day…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: …and she was like, whenever I tell people about your podcast, I have to make sure I tell them that it's not for children. [laughs]
Kim: It is ABSOLUTELY not for children.
Sequoia: She was telling me that I have a potty mouth and I don't know what the fuck she's talking about, honestly. [Kim laughs] All right, shout out to another redhead, who is definitely part of the redhead royal family and out to actually steal the heart of a Potter and continue the redhead dynasty! [both laugh quietly]
Kim: Shout out to AlternatePanda, who says that this is their top whack podcast and that they also wrote their review instead of doing their homework, and I would also recommend maybe writing some fanfiction [Sequoia starts laughing] instead of doing your homework.
Sequoia: Oh no, we're bad influences. Shout out to iknowwhythekambuchamakesmepoop. [Kim laughs] That could have been the end of my whole shout out. [laughs]
Kim: Oh man. Can you say poop again for me?
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: Ugh!
Sequoia: Whose eyes have been opened to a whole other facet of the HP fandom. And we're genuinely not sorry for all the Drarry you inevitably read now. Welcome. [laughs]
Kim: Drarry life! Shout out to charlie1830 who says that their feelings for the pod are like Draco's for his bunny…
Sequoia: Oh! [laughs]
Kim: …in that they hate that they love it, and their mom sent it to them. [Sequoia laughs] So I guess get tricked by your mom 2020?
Sequoia: [still laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Shout out to Charlie's mom?
Sequoia: Yes, sweet. I love that [Kim laughs] My mom p… tricks people all the time.
Kim: Says you have a potty mouth.
Sequoia: [laughs] And I have a potty mouth. All right.
Kim: Are you ready?
Sequoia: To make some predictions?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I'm never ready. But here we go. You should also make your predictions, listeners. Make sure to tweet them at us #FanficDivination or answer our story on Instagram.
Kim: Yeah, send us three predictions of what you think is going to happen in this bullshit I'm about to read for you…
Sequoia: Oh, let’s go!
Kim: …based on these clues. [Sequoia laughs] Clue number one!
Sequoia: [laughing] The clues are bad.
Kim: Clue number one is the title, which in this case is Otherwise.
Sequoia: Fuck right off, man.
Kim: Sorry. This is an AO3 story, so it does not have genre tags, so I am tagging it humor and romance.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Heavy on the humor.
Sequoia: Okay, I mean…
Kim: I can give you that.
Sequoia: …that's [makes high pitched noises] nothing.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] And this sucker came out post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Excellent. This is a Snape redemption story. [both snort laugh]
Kim: That may be your worst guess ever. [both laugh quietly]
Sequoia: I dunno dude, you gave me fucking nothing, man!
Kim: Yeah, but I mean, I'm still me.
Sequoia: Okay, fine. I'm still… I'm gonna still have that first prediction because I made it and I already said it out loud.
Kim: [simultaneously] I mean, you said it and I'm not gonna let you take it back.
Sequoia: It’s fuckin’ fine. This story… let’s see, it's called Otherwise.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: This is a Neville was the chosen one story.
Kim: Dang, nice.
Sequoia: And I'm gonna say… hmm…
Kim: [whispering] It's a rare pair.
Sequoia: That doesn’t… that… that doesn't even help.
Kim: [whispering] It’s a rare pair.
Sequoia: All right, yo… you keep whispering rare pair at me, so I guess I'm just gonna fuckin’ guess a rare pair. Any rare pair. Here I go.
Kim: Ohhh, don’t do that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I am going to guess this is… um… George slash… [laughs]
Kim: I feel so bad for you that you're doing this bad bad thing. Look, I’m…
Sequoia: I don't know if I'm leaning into the bit or if I just am lost right now.
Kim: No, yeah, try… don't do this thing. Don't do this bad thing.
Sequoia: I don't know what else to… uh, at some point in this story someone looks for their wand and it's not there.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: There we go. That’s my prediction.
Kim: That's better than trying to guess a rare pair.
Sequoia: I don't think so! [laughs]
Kim: Like, what about try… would you have allowed me to make a fool of myself trying to guess Hermione/Pucey?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fuck you. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, man. You know what I haven't talked about yet, I just realized?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: I haven’t talked about how we're in a new place and the walls are very spiky.
Sequoia: Oh, that's true.
Kim: So if there's a weird energy today…
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s ‘cause the walls are spiky. There's a picture on Instagram. [both laugh]
Kim: All right, let's do this.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Ministry incident report number 54001. Report compiled by Auror G. Weasley.
Sequoia: Oooh, okay.
Kim: I love how this story starts, with the report. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, no, this is good.
Kim: At approximately 11:30pm Auror Creevey and I noticed the night receptionist Mr. Tessra… Did you want to say something?
Sequoia: I mean, Colin Creevey is an auror, that's fine. [laughs]
Kim: How cool is that shit? What the fuck?
Sequoia: Is this Ginny/Colin Creevey? Because that's not a rare pair.
Kim: No. [both laugh] I’ll tell you right now, it’s not.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: So we got Ginny and Colin.
Sequoia: And a mysterious…
Kim: Both… they’re aurors, so cool. All right. I noticed the night receptionist Mr. Tessra being harassed by a visibly agitated Miss Gabrielle Delacour.
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Gabrielle’s here! Okay.
Kim: Gabby’s here today.
Sequoia: All right, yeah, that's fine.
Kim: We approached, asking politely if there was a problem and were told to, “fuck off,” [Sequoia laughs] by the lady in question.
Sequoia: Ah, great.
Kim: She's spicy.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, Gabrielle is feisty…
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: …and always has been, so…
Kim: Why not? We know literally nothing about her.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, what's she screaming about?
Kim: Auror Creevey attempted to calm Miss Delacour down. She responded by drawing back and jabbing him with a sharp right hook in the eye.
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: She just hauled off and punched the shit out of Colin! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Y’know, sometimes Colin…
Kim: Needs a punching?
Sequoia: …needs a little bit of a punch in the face. But I don't think this is one of those times. Honestly, rude.
Kim: You know…
Sequoia: He's just trying to help.
Kim: When you say Colin needs a punch in the face. Which Colin are you really talking about?
Sequoia: [laughs] Please listen to our episode, Christmas with Colin.
Kim: I was then forced to jump onto the woman's back as my wand had been temporarily confiscated for hexing the bones out of Auror M. Johnson's hands…
Sequoia: [sigh] That's very close, but no cigar, I think.
Kim: Yeah, no, she knows where her wand is.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: …(see incident report number 53999), and proceeded to wrestle her down in a Ministry approved Muggle sleeper hold.
Sequoia: [laughs] What makes it a Muggle sleeper hold?
Kim: ‘Cause wizards don't generally do sleeper holds.
Sequoia: They don’t need a sleeper hold?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I mean, that’s valid. That's valid.
Kim: Wizards… wizards don't do much wrestling.
Sequoia: What was the other incident report?
Kim: Give them the wizard’s elbow!
Sequoia: Oh, je… [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The wizard’s chair. [both laugh]
Kim: This is auror report number 54001. And then the report was…
Sequoia: And then the other reference…
Kim: …53999, and that was for when she hexed the bones out of the other auror’s hands.
Sequoia: I feel like Ginny’s… here's the thing. I'm feeling like post war they really just, like, don't have enough to do, maybe.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: Like, everything warrants an incident report ‘cause, like, you're just sitting at your desk, like, what are you gonna do?
Kim: I mean, I think like… I think the Ministry probably has a lot of, like, bureaucratic idiocy.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, for sure.
Kim: So. Mr. Tessra explained that she had been looking for her recalcitrant boyfriend, Mr. Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: Aha! [laughs]
Kim: Gabby/Draco.
Sequoia: What? What?!
Kim: Weird, right? I like it. I like it. I like it, it’s weird.
Sequoia: Let’s get… if you just… if you think about it… [laughs]
Kim: Who she suspected was dallying in his office with his pale assed mistress.
Sequoia: Ohh!
Kim: Draco! Gabby's furious.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, he's got a mistress? He probably doesn't. She seems like she's just fucking losing it.
Kim: She’s just… yeah. Mr. Tessra was enforcing the Ministry policy of allowing no visitors entrance after eight thirty pm…
Sequoia: Doing his job.
Kim: …and refused Miss Delacour her request to search the Department of Magical Law.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, you can’t just like go in as a civilian.
Kim: You cannot come into the Ministry of Magic at eleven thirty pm.
Sequoia: [laughs] And search the law department.
Kim: [laughs] It’s where Draco works. At approximately eleven forty, Mr. Draco Malfoy entered the lobby and shouted at me to, “Get the bloody fuck off Gabby!”
Sequoia: Listen, she started it.
Kim: Oh, sorry. He probably was more like…
Both: [high pitched, elongated, stuffy voices] Get the bloody fuck off Gabby!
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, we’re…
Kim: We need to do this accurately. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Must be an accurate portrayal at all times.
Kim: We explained the situation, at which time Mr. Malfoy started shouting at Miss Delacour and Auror Creevey advised the quarrelling lovers to take this show on the road. [Sequoia laughs] Go home!
Sequoia: Oh getcha… get the fuck outta here.
Kim: It's so late.
Sequoia: It was entertaining until she hauled off and punched me, and…
Kim: Yeah, it was much less funny.
Sequoia: Yeah, can you leave? This nice man's just trying to do his actual job? [laughs]
Kim: At approximately eleven fifty Mr. Malfoy and Miss Delacour left the Ministry building.
Sequoia: Is that the whole report?
Kim: That's the whole report.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: So that's the beginning. Now we're gonna cut to… Ginny’s desk was a mess, papers stacked high and toppling over, three dirty coffee cups, one half full, on her ink blotter, and paper towels with crumbs. Do you have a messy desk?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Mine's just a series of Taco Bell bags, though.
Kim: Oh, yikes.[Sequoia laughs] Maybe we didn’t need to… [both laugh] to talk about that on the pod.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: No. You're fine with that?
Sequoia: I'm okay with that.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I’ll leave that in.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: You guys can know how much Taco Bell I eat, that’s okay. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh nooo. [Sequoia laughs] I don't have room on my desk to make a mess. It's all monitors. [both laugh] But hers is… sounds pretty filthy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I would be worried to keep a half full cup of coffee on my desk. Like, for any length of time.
Sequoia: I would be worried, then just leave it there ‘cause I was too lazy to move it. Then knock it over.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Have a bunch of stuff get soaked in coffee and go…
Kim: Taco Bell bags?
Sequoia: …oh man, I should’ve… [laughing] I would knock over my half full baja blast freeze… [continued laughter from both]
Sequoia: [struggling through the laughter] …on to the… [keeps laughing] onto my Ministry reports.
Kim: [still laughing] Oh no!
Sequoia: My… my mundane Ministry reports about civilians punching Colin in the face.
Kim: D'you think wizards eat much fast food?
[pause]
Sequoia: You… can you go through the drive thru on a broom?
Kim: Huh. Do they have wizarding fast food?
Sequoia: Drive thru on a broom?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: See, I'm still… I'm here.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I'm envisioning it. I see it. I like it.
Kim: Huh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Anyway!
Kim: Just spent a long time thinking about that, sorry. [both laugh] Thinking about the canon implications of fast food, what?! [Sequoia laughs] Somethin’ stupid. Like one sentence into this, okay. She glanced up and snapped, “What?” at the nervous looking young man hovering in the doorway. D’you think he's actually hovering? Not important.
Sequoia: [laughs] When there's magic involved, you really have to be specific
Kim: Yep. A large white envelope under his arm. She's very rude. He stepped forward, flat package extended. “It’s a r… restraining order, miss. I’ll need your signature.” [both laugh softly]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Day’s already startin’ out real well.
Sequoia: Is this all… this is… is this Gabrielle?
Kim: “Are you joking?” She snapped the envelope from his hands, tearing it open viciously and scanning the top of the thick stack of papers inside. It WAS a restraining order, signed by Draco Malfoy…
Sequoia: Of course.
Kim: …solicitor at magical law, stating that she, Ginny Weasley, had to maintain a distance of at least fifty feet from Miss Gabrielle Delacour. Was that even legal for an Auror?
Sequoia: I mean, they have to be able to execute their job.
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: But also, what is the basis?
Kim: She did give her the chair…
Sequoia: She gave her the wizard chair. [both laugh] Gabrielle started it!
Kim: She did. The bitch. [both laugh] Ginny shot the messenger a death glare. “There’s no way I’m signing for this. Here.” She tore off a scrap of paper and scribbled, “Nice try, Malfoy. It hasn’t even got a Ministry stamp.”
Sequoia: LOL. [laughs] What a dick.
Kim: Yeah. She shoved the note and envelope back and jabbed a finger towards the door. “Tell your master I HATE him.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: [high pitched, wavering voice] Um, sir…
Kim: Ginny says she hates you…
Sequoia: Ginny says she hates you and uh…
Kim: …and that you did a bad job faking a restraining order…
Sequoia: …yeah, and to fuck off.
Kim: And eat shit. [both laugh] And Draco’s like, [dramatic, drawling voice] hmm, yeeessss, that is what happened to you, isn't it. [Sequoia laughs] I’ll make another one now.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Nice fucking try.
Kim: Colin slipped in the door. “What’s on for today?” Ginny asked him. He waved a stack of papers. “We get to arrest people.” What should my Colin voice be?
Sequoia: I dunno because this is grown up Colin, so it can’t just be like…
Kim: Yeah, exactly.
Sequoia: [extremely high pitched, squeaky voice] …oh, we’re here to help!
Kim: [matching pitch] Oh! [speaking normally] It could be! [Sequoia laughs] [squeaky again] Ooh! We get to arrest people!
Sequoia: [squeaky] Ooh!
Kim: Ooh hoo hoo!
Sequoia: Hoo hoo!
Kim: I’m Tiny Tim!
Sequoia: It’s me, Mickey Mouse! [both laugh]
Kim: I was gonna go more Ti… I usually go, like, Tiny Tim with Colin.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah. ‘Cause I was… w… we were going [high pitched] ooh! Ooh!
Kim: We definitely went Mickey Mouse just then.
Sequoia: I was like, okay. [laughing] Well.
Kim: I'm not gonna do that. He’s j… not gonna have a voice. [Sequoia laughs] There we go, fuck that. “Oh, joy. We're being punished, aren't we?”
Sequoia: What did… what is your job other than to arrest people? [laughs]
Kim: [whining] It’s so much paperwork with arresting people.
Sequoia: Oh, valid. [Kim groans] Here's the thing. Here's how you get rid of paperwork. You take that half a cup of coffee and you just dump it all over it.
Kim: Just dump it on it. No, then you have to turn in soggy paperwork, Sequoia.
Sequoia: And then they never asked you to do paperwork again. [Kim laughs] Come on, Ginny!
Kim: You do a bad enough job at your job. [Sequoia laughs] Shit. “You're being punished,” Colin clarified. “As usual, I get to be miserable by proxy.”
Sequoia: Are they, like, partners?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Fucking incredible.
Kim: Isn’t that great!? Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Fucking incredible.
Kim: I love this story, it's nuts. We're not to the nuts part yet. But it’s nuts, and I love it.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, man.
Kim: It’s so funny. “I get to be miserable by proxy. There's FIVE warrants, including one for good old Marcus Flint.”
Sequoia: Oh, man. He would.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He's like the new Mundungus Fletcher. I’m sure.
Kim: He’s just kind of like a shitty… I think he's just kind of like a ruffian.
Sequoia: Is he like a con man, maybe?
Kim: Maybe a little bit.
Sequoia: Nah, he might not be smart enough to be a con man,
Kim: No, I think he’s… I think he's just a bit of like a… I don't know, a ruffian.
Sequoia: Did he get into like a… like a bar fight or a…
Kim: Something like that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Again?” Nothing ever stuck to the ex Slytherin, but the Ministry kept approving arrest warrants for the bloke, since he had a notorious temper, and had an ongoing, vocal feud with the apothecary owner in Diagon Alley.
Sequoia: He got into an apothecary fight.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay.
Kim: I think he frequently gets in apothecary fights.
Sequoia: [laughs] Why do you need to go to the apothecary that much? [both laugh]
Kim: [still laughing] Y’know. With a groan, she buried her hands in her hair and tugged. “Fucking hell. It’s Christmas.”
Sequoia: It's Christmas?!
Kim: “In a MONTH.” [Sequoia laughs] Colin countered.
Sequoia: Christmas is a whole month.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: December. You hit December, it's Christmas.
Kim: Yeah, but this is… a month before Christmas is not December.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s Christmas.
Kim: It’s not!
Sequoia: It’s Christmas and I have to go do my job which is arresting people.
Kim: Fuuuck thaaat. [both laugh] I think arresting five people in a day is probably a lot of work.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah.
Kim: You have to go track ‘em down.
Sequoia: That is… that… yeah.
Kim: Beat the shit out of them because you don't have your…
Sequoia: Wand?
Kim: She shot him a quelling glare. “It’s CHRISTMAS,” she reiterated. Then…
Sequoia: Just keep saying it. It's true.
Kim: It's Christmas! [Sequoia laughs] Fuck everything! Then she muttered petulantly, “Wish they'd give me back my wand.” “Maybe if you asked Finch-Fletchley nicely.” M’boy. My boy, Justin!
Sequoia: Oh! JFF! JFF! JFF!
Kim: Whoo! “Not bloody likely,” she snarled. Finch-Fletchley was a prime arse. “God, I wish I were drunk.”
Sequoia: Oh, that’s sad. [both laugh] Wait, so did she hex Justin?
Kim: She hexed M. Johnson.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: And Finch-Fletchley is in charge of getting her wand back.
Sequoia: And Finch-Fletchley is the guy… oh, okay, he’s in charge of wands. That’s cool.
Kim: But for now we're gonna cut to a passage of time.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “Ron!” [quietly] Oh, sorry. “Ron, Ronnie, Ronaaaaallld!”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez, who this?
Kim: Or maybe it’s more of a… [in a sing-songy voice] “Ron Ronnie Ronald!”
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: Ginny crooned.
Sequoia: I didn't like either of those. [laughs]
Kim: That was Ginny…
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: …Ginny crooned, flopping down on the sofa next to where he was sprawled out, napping. “Favorite brother of mine.”
Sequoia: Oh, what does she want?
Kim: “No,” [Sequoia laughs] he said. But he cracked an eye open. “What is it?” “I'm in a spot of trouble with Malfo…” “No.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Malfoy’s still on about this restraining order.
Kim: He's just being a bitch about it. She just punched his girlfriend a LITTLE bit.
Sequoia: Where's the rare pair!? [laughs]
Kim: Later.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “Oh, come on. You know there was a time you'd have jumped to defend me,” she huffed.
Sequoia: I mean, valid.
Kim: Yeah. “Gin,” Ron sighed. “You can beat the snot out of anyone.” [Sequoia laughs quietly] “I stopped trying to protect you ages ago. Malfoy doesn't stand a chance.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “You still growl when Michael comes round.”
Sequoia: Michael Corner in the corner?
Kim: Ron's still not over that for some reason. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ah, incredible.
Kim: Ron's face darkened at the name. “Fuckin’ Corner,” he grumbled. [both laugh]
Sequoia: What the fuck is Ron supposed to do about this shit?
Kim: [deep voice] That fuckin’ guy. He's her big brother.
Sequoia: And?!
Kim: Help.
Sequoia: There’s… help with what? Malfoy’s trying to pull one over. [laughs]
Kim: Help deal with Malfoy! Tell him to shut the fuck up. [Sequoia laughs] “Malfoy and I have come to an understanding. We avoid each other at all costs, and all is well. I'd be breaking a verbal agreement if I sought out the ferret.” “Ron,” Ginny said, trying for patience. “You work with him.”
[pause]
Sequoia: Yeah, okay.
Kim: Yeah, okay?
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: “We maintain a workplace civility. [Sequoia laughs] And I work with Terry mainly.”
Sequoia: Terry!
Kim: Terry!
Sequoia: Terry's here! They’re all here!
Kim: All your favorites! Everyone’s here!
Sequoia: All the… all the boys!
Kim: The boys! The guys!
Sequoia: All the guys! [laughs]
Kim: “You're their SECRETARY,” she stressed.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: [sing songy] Oh my god.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: [singing] Oh my god, Ron's the secretary at the law enforcement! [laughs] I can’t!
Kim: Ron is specifically Terry and Draco’s secretary.
Sequoia: I…
Kim: That's delicious. What is that?
Sequoia: I…
Kim: I love it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Who read six Harry Potter books and then was like…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …you know what Ron would be really good at? Secretarial work. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man, he's got to be the WORST fucking secretary of all time.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s so bad! Talk about paperwork getting turned in soggy.
Kim: Sogg… [both laugh] why is everything spelled wrong?
Sequoia: Roonil, ugh, at it again. [Kim laughs] Oh my god. Yeah, I can't… I can't even…
Kim: Look, here's the thing. I love when fanfiction authors give the characters jobs! [Sequoia laughs] What's better than that?
Sequoia: Rare pairs. Give it to me.
Kim: Oh, right. Sorry. [Sequoia laughs] “You're their secretary,” she stressed. “And he's going to get me fired!”
Sequoia: No, he's not! He… the paperwork didn't even have a Ministry seal on it, calm down.
Kim: I mean he’s… he’s being a butthole though. He's stirring up trouble.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's fine.
Kim: “He's been planning this ever since we got Parkinson on that illegal gambling ring.”
Sequoia: [singing] Fuck yeeesss. Fuuck yeeess!
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: Yeah, she is doing that.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: That's exactly what she was doing. Is doing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: An illegal gambling ring.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I mean, after the fall of the Dark Lord, when you're like kind of… kind of banking on it.
Kim: Uh huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: When you're sort of banking on the Dark Lord.
Kim: What else is there to do?
Sequoia: What do you do?
Kim: You become a lawyer, or…
Sequoia: [laughing] You become a lawyer! [continues laughing]
Kim: …you run an illegal gambling ring. Or you get in fights with apothecary owners.
Sequoia: [laughs] You gotta take your anger out on somebody.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And apparently it’s the apothecary.
Kim: Ron frowned. “Vampires, right? Bloody money filching bastards.” Ron hates vampires for some reason.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's fine. Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: I assume that the gambling ring was like blood money gambling.
Sequoia: Okay, so is Pansy Parkinson a vampire?
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Because I'm into that. [both laugh]
Kim: That's awesome! I love that!
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes.
Kim: Awesome. “And anyway, it isn't Malfoy who's going to get you fired, it's Finch-Fletchley and all your unresolved sexual tension.”
Sequoia: [gasps] [pause] YES! [both laugh] I feel alive! [more laughter]
Kim: What have I found today?
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Kim: Some weird shit. Ginny narrowed her eyes at him. “You've been talking to Ernie again, haven't you?” [quietly] That’s…
Sequoia: Have we nev… is this the first we've heard of Ernie? We don't know what he's about yet.
Kim: Ron's…
Sequoia: What’s his job? [laughs] I need to know what everyone’s job is.
Kim: I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you what Ernie’s been up to! [Sequoia laughs] Ron looked shifty. “No.”
Sequoia: Yes you have.
Kim: Yeah. Ernie fancied himself a romance guru.
[pause]
Sequoia: Um… a what?
Kim: A romance guru.
Sequoia: [softly] What? Is that?
Kim: Ernie is a romance guru.
Sequoia: [softly] That's not a thing.
Kim: Yes, it is.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs]
Kim: He sat about on satin pillows and blathered on and generally freaked Ginny out.
Sequoia: Where is he? Is he also headquartered out of the Ministry? Ministry, you’ve got some aurors, you got some…
Kim: No, this is… this is… ‘kay. We’ll… we’ll talk about it. Just let me get through like two more sentences.
Sequoia: Okay. All right.
Kim: Then we’ll talk about what the fuck is going on with this shit.
Sequoia: [exhales] Okay. [laughs]
Kim: It was one of many reasons she avoided visiting with Hannah. And Seamus. And Harry and Millie because, let's face it, there was some sort of orgy going on over there.
Sequoia: [singing] Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Bring us that polycule! What is that?
Kim: What is that? [Sequoia laughs] Harry has joined some kind of weird orgy cult led by Ernie McMillan!
Sequoia: Who sits on satin pillows and blathers on about being a romance guru? Listen.
Kim: Sequoiaaaaa.
Sequoia: This is…
Kim: What's better than this?
Sequoia: [laughs] Can you list, again?
Kim: The people in the…?
Sequoia: The people in… in the… yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbott, Seamus Finnigan, Harry Potter and then Millie, who I assume is probably…
Both: …MILLICENT BULSTRODE!
Sequoia: Fuck yeeessss.
Kim: [whispering] What?
Sequoia: I… I love, also, that this is just like some like fucking side note. Like, we're never gonna hear about this ever again.
Kim: Yeah, no, this is the end of THAT.
Sequoia: Yes! Great! Excellent! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, my gosh. Amazing.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: “Finch-Fletchley and I,” Ginny said stiffly, getting to her feet and walking toward the fireplace, “have nothing between us but deep enmity.”
Sequoia: [quietly] Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Ginny’s a little… Ginny’s a little uptight.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. I believe Ernie.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think Ernie’s really created a certain… [laughs] environment. He's like very… he's clearly very good at what he does. He's clearly very in tune with the wants and needs of the people that he knows. And he knows Justin and he knows Ginny and I feel like I am gonna have to side with him on this one.
Kim: A passage of time.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Finch-Fletchley was in charge of something to do with the Auror Disciplinary Committee. Ginny wasn’t sure exactly what, but she had to deal with him on an almost daily basis.
Sequoia: Because she's being such a fuckin’ shit all the time?
Kim: Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Amazing.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: And more often than not, he ended up confiscating her wand or kissing her or SOMETHING.
Sequoia: Wait, what?! [Kim laughs] Wait, what, no! Wait, what?!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Those two things…
Kim: He's always confiscating her wand.
Sequoia: Or kissing her or som…
Kim: And also maybe kissing her. Whateveeeeerrrr.
Sequoia: N… no, that's…
Kim: That bitch. [Sequoia laughs] That right arse. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Those two things are very different.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: They [laughs] exist in very different categories.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I'm gonna need some clarification, please.
Kim: They'd had a few confusing moments in the broom closet on the fifth floor once.
Sequoia: A few? Once?
Kim: Ehh, you know.
Sequoia: A few or once?! [laughs]
Kim: Man, he’s so difficult, Justin.
Sequoia: [still laughing] What is happening?
Kim: “I’d like my wand back please,” Ginny said, standing in front of Finch-Fletchley’s desk. She crossed her arms over her chest. He arched his eyebrows. “Have you got the paperwork from Kingsley?”
Sequoia: She did have it. But [laughing] it’s covered…
Kim: It's covered in coffee and it says Roonil Waslib on it now. [Sequoia laughs] For some reason. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [still laughing] Goddamnit.
Kim: “Justin”, she said, narrowing her eyes. She knew damn well Kingsley had sent up the paperwork hours before. He's just being a…
Sequoia: He’s… he’s…
Kim: A… a arse.
Sequoia: …bein’ a tease.
Kim: He is.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, excellent.
Kim: “Mmmm, my name from your lips. A rare treat.” [whispering] Gross.
Sequoia: Yeah. Nope. I hate that.
Kim: Hate that. [Sequoia laughs] He got up, grinning, his sunny blond curls bouncing over his eyes. The bastard was handsome, she’d give him that.
Sequoia: He's… he's maybe handsome.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But very sexy, but… [laughs]
Kim:No, that’s Neville! That’s Neville.
Sequoia: No, he's just… he's just like, I guess, handsome. And, like, there was like one to a few times in maybe a broom closet, like…
Kim: Or wherever.
Sequoia: Once or twice or five times, I don't know!
Kim: Maybe things got a little WEIRD after! [Sequoia laughs] “All right, since you asked so nicely and even said please.”
Sequoia: And sent up the paperwork.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mostly that one.
Kim: Mostly that one.
Sequoia: It’s the paperwork, really. It’s… yeah.
Kim: It is his job. With a flourish, he pulled her wand out of a drawer and held it out. She grasped the end, but he didn't let go.” “Just…” Oh, wait, no. [softly] "Justin, no," she said again. [both laugh] And she didn't mean to say it so softly, but it came out inviting.
Sequoia: [high pitched] I mean, and he's probably maybe handsome, and there was like a… like fifty times once in the… [both laugh]
Kim: And Finch-Fletchley tugged and Ginny slipped forward and ended up on his lap…
Sequoia: No. No.
Kim: …melting a bit against him.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: And then he gasped, “Ginny,” into her mouth, and then [Sequoia laughs] she snapped back into herself and things got a little insane. [laughs]
Sequoia: [still laughing] I’m sorry, did you say that he whispered Ginny…
Both: …into her mouth!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, it did get weird. It did get a little weird.
Kim: Yeah, well, no, things got weirder after that.
Sequoia: Oh, they got weirder after that. Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They got weirder after that.
Kim: Yeah. All right, so she… they were kissing and things got a little insane. Cut to…
Sequoia: Cut to… [quietly] Jesus.
Kim: “What do you mean I'm grounded?” Ginny…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes, ground your adult children.
Kim: Oh, that's not what happened.
Sequoia: Oh, good. Great.
Kim: Ginny gaped at Shacklebolt.
Sequoia: [laughs] Is she grounded for making out with JFF?
Kim: Nope. She should be thankful she hadn't been kicked off the team completely. But grounded? She’d just gotten her wand back!
Sequoia: Does grounded mean you have to stay at your desk, then?
Kim: I think… they're gonna talk about what it means.
Sequoia: Okay, cool.
Kim: Although she had… she'd had to wrestle it out of Finch-Fletchley’s grip.
Sequoia: That's not what happened. [laughs]
Kim: That’s what… that's what happened after…
Sequoia: After…
Kim: After they cut out. [Sequoia continues laughing] Fade to black, some shit went down.
Sequoia: The wrestling was later, yeah. Okay.
Kim: Kingsley rubbed his fingers over his forehead with a pained grimace. “Weasley, Finch-Fletchley had to be sent to St Mungo's.”
Sequoia: When things got a little weird.
Kim: Things got a little insane. [Sequoia laughs] Things went sideways for Justin. [both laugh] She did attack him.
Sequoia: [still laughing] She d… [more laughter] what the fuck is going on?
Kim: Great question.
Sequoia: Okay. Excellent.
Kim: “He was deliberately baiting me!” Ginny complained. Untrue, so untrue, her mind screamed, but, well, baiting and kissing were close, right?
Sequoia: No. Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I don’t think that she knows how to equate things. [laughs]
Kim: Hmm. “That may be, but you should be able to hold your temper as an auror,” he chastened. “I’m afraid I have no choice in the matter short of dismissing you. And you’re good, Weasley. I’d hate to lose you.”
Sequoia: Of course she’s good.
Kim: She good. She the best there is.
Sequoia: She’s fucking great at magic.
Kim: [in a gruff voice] But she’s a loose cannon!
Sequoia: She’s a… [laughs] pew pew pew pew!
Kim: You’re a loose cannon, Weasley!
Sequoia: It’s just, like, just with this one guy where like, maybe…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Maybe there’s…
Kim: No. She cursed the bones out of that other auror’s hands. She jumped on top of Gabby.
Sequoia: Gabby started it.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And that other auror probably also started it.
Kim: Uhhh huh.
Sequoia: I’m gonna say that they both started it.
Kim: Uhhh huh. And Justin?
Sequoia: And Justin…
Kim: Started it?
Sequoia: Definitely started it. [laughs]
Kim: Oookay. Fine.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Man.
Kim: Ginny bowed her head, pissed off at Kingsley and Finch-Fletchley, and herself, too. “D’you need my wand?” “No, against my better judgement, I’m keeping you in the field. You’ve got Diagon Alley,” he said briskly. “And I’m suspending your apparating license and issuing you a broom.”
Sequoia: That sucks.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That majorly sucks.
Kim: She’s grounded.
Sequoia: That’s what grounding means.
Kim: Yeah. She’s grounded. She gets a broom.
Sequoia: She’s just like patrolling…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …on a broom.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Ah, yikes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yikes.
Kim: Yeah. Bloody hell. A damn beat Auror. [Sequoia laughs] With a BROOM! [laughs]
Sequoia: Listen, ya can’t just go around sending people to the goddamn… [laughs]
Kim: Ginny, you can’t just go around cursing all of your coworkers! Ah!
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: Taking a deep breath, she tried one last ditch argument. “But sir, that’d be unfair on Creevey. He shouldn’t be punished for…” “Oh, he’s not going to be,” Kingsley cut in.
Sequoia: He doesn’t have to fucking come with you on your goddamn…
Kim: Your shit ass assignment.
Sequoia: …broom, beat cop. [laughing] Yeah, garbage.
Kim: “You’re being reassigned to Dutch.” “B-but,” Ginny’s mouth opened and closed dumbly. “But Dutch is like over a hundred!”
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He was the oldest auror in the division and should have been forced to retire years ago.
Sequoia: No, but now he’s a beat cop with a broom and you get to do that too now.
Kim: Haahh, sucks to suuck.
Sequoia: And Colin has got to be a wonderful auror partner. I’m sure they’re like a fucking dynamic duo.
Kim: Oh yeah, he’s a bundle of joy. Oh YEAH.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They’re great together. [Sequoia laughs] You just know it.
Sequoia: I want that buddy cop movie!
Kim: Ahh, yesss. Yeah, I want MORE of this.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I want WAY more of this.
Sequoia: [laughs] But no, now she’s gotta go… ‘cause she can’t…
Kim: Can’t, just… loose cannon.
Sequoia: [muttering] Oh, man.
Kim: “This isn’t permanent,” Kingsley assured her. “Dutch will be good to practice your patience on. Your behaviour is erratic and therefore EXTREMELY dangerous to you and your fellow aurors, Weasley!”
Sequoia: [quietly laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Ginny felt torn between crying and ripping the man’s throat out.
Sequoia: I think there’s a… I think that shows sort of like the root of the issue here.
Kim: She supposed he may have had a point.
Sequoia: He definitely has a point.
Kim: He definitely has a point.
Sequoia: For sure has a point.
Kim: Ginny, you are a loose cannon.
Sequoia: He’s got like twelve points. [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny, what the fuck you doin’?
Sequoia: He’s got ten points and they’re all the fingers of that Auror. [laughs]
Kim: That you cursed off! [both laugh] Nice! Ginny stomped down to the office she shared with Colin and then spread out on the floor, eyes staring glassily at the ceiling.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: [laughs] She’s moping.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Colin materialised over her. “Poor duck. Just heard you got Dutch in D’Alley." D’Alley.
Sequoia: Colin’s great! [laughs]
Kim: Oh yeah. Word always traveled fast at the Ministry. That was really fast. It was immediate.
Sequoia: Yeah. Well, I mean, they have magic.
Kim: Yeah. Ginny could never figure out exactly how, but she had a feeling it was the paintings' fault. It's definitely the paintings’ fault.
Sequoia: It’s always the paintings’ fault.
Kim: Yeah. That's how… that's how in the fourth book, that's how news of Harry getting chosen as the champion spread so fast! It's the paintings.
Sequoia: It's the paintings.
Kim: Yeah. Fuck them.
Sequoia: It's the paintings and the secretarial pool, including Ron Weasley.
Kim: Ron Weasley! [Sequoia laughs] He's such a gossip! [Sequoia continues laughing] "And, uh, you've got a package from Malfoy and Boot, solicitors at law."
Sequoia: Okay, are they their own independent company that also functions inside the Ministry?
Kim: I'm not entirely… I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't make any sense.
Sequoia: And also Terry… why would Terry go into business with Draco?
Kim: Great question.
Sequoia: Y'know.
Kim: It certainly happened.
Sequoia: I just don't see that out of Terry.
Kim: It certainly happened. [Sequoia laughs] Look, Malfoy's the face and Terry's the brains. [quietly] Is that how lawyer teams work?
Sequoia: [laughs] I don't think so.
Kim: No. She tore off the brown wrapper and cut the tape to reveal a pair of Muggle trainers. "What the…?" She thumbed open the accompanying note and gave a disgusted grunt. Here's the note.
Sequoia: I'm ready.
Kim: “Grounded in Diagon Alley for the seasonal rush? You'll need a sturdy pair of shoes.”
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: “Those auror brooms are crap too, but then, I suppose you're used to sub-standard goods. Draco [pause] Malfoy.”
Sequoia: [laughs] First of all, savage. Second of all, you think he's had those shoes just, like, in a box in his office, like, waiting? ‘Cause this is, like, literal minutes. [laughs]
Kim: Yes! [laughs] Seconds.
Sequoia: He’s like, she’s a loose cannon, eventually she’s gonna get grounded. You know what’d be a great joke? If I did this thing. I’ll just keep the shoes. He goes… he goes and asks Ron, like, Ron, I need your sister’s shoe size, don’t ask me questions. [laughs]
Kim: And Ron’s like, I thought we weren’t talking. [Sequoia laughs] No, he definitely used magic, Sequoia.
Sequoia: No, he had those. [both laugh]
Kim: Fine. Fine. “Shit, it’s Christmas!” Ginny exclaimed. “We went over that earlier,” Colin said [Sequoia laughs] around a fresh doughnut. “But, Christmas! Oh…”
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “...god, D’Alley is gonna be a nightmare.”
Sequoia: Does he really keep saying D’Alley?
Kim: Ginny said it that time.
Sequoia: Oh great, that’s just what they call it.
Kim: D’Alley.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s like a… like…
Kim: D apostrophe Alley.
Sequoia: Apostrophe… ooh, wow.
Kim: D’Alley.
Sequoia: Oh wow.
Kim: “D’Alley is gonna be a nightmare,” she groaned, sliding down onto the floor again.
Sequoia: It is, and you…
Kim: Yeah it is.
Sequoia: …deserve this. [laughs]
Kim: You deserve this.
Sequoia: [laughs] I hope you learn your lesson.
Kim: “On the bright side, word is they weren’t able to grow Finch-Fletchley’s hair back magically.”
Sequoia: They weren’t?
Kim: Weren’t.
Sequoia: That’s the bright side?
Kim: Yeah, Ginny successfully cursed all of Justin’s hair off.
Sequoia: All of it?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: First off, incredible. Great magic. Good skills.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Second off, what the fuck? [both laugh] What got weird?! It got so…
Kim: It got so weird that Ginny cursed [Sequoia laughs] Justin. A lot! He kissed her, she responded… actually he didn’t… they kissed!
Sequoia: I don’t even know that they kissed!
Kim: And then she… she cursed him!
Sequoia: Did it say that they kissed?
Kim: Well, he moaned into her mouth!
Sequoia: ‘Cause all it said was that she… he whispered her name into her mouth.
Kim: She was… she was… I think she was sitting on his lap, they started making out, he moaned into her mouth, and then she cursed the shit out of him, I think is what happened.
Sequoia: Ugh! Is this what happens in the broom closet also, those hundred times? [starts laughing] In the…
Kim: Yeah, I think… I think that was also what happened in the broom closet.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: He got cursed.
Sequoia: Well.
Kim: Anyway, so we’ve been going for a fair amount of time at this point.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And we’ve got a fair amount of this story left.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Which I had feared would happen.
Sequoia: Yeah, we prepared for this. So we… this is a…
Kim: Sure. [laughing] We prepared for this.
Sequoia: I mean, prepare is a…
Kim: Loose term.
Sequoia: Really… [laughing] yeah, loose term.
Kim: This is apparently another two parter.
Sequoia: Here we go!
Kim: So we will pick this back up in two weeks.
Sequoia: And for now, we are gonna do a segment.
Kim: Correct!
Sequoia: And that segment is…
Kim: Quick fics! No. [both laugh] Damnit.
Sequoia: You looked so excited! ‘Til you remembered what the segment is, but that’s not what it is.
Kim: This segment is…
Sequoia: This segment is… and then… [unintelligable whispers]
Kim: Oh. [vocalises news bulletin beeps]
Sequoia: Hold for the end please! [both laugh quietly] We got there. We got there.
Kim: [laughingly sighs] Ah.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: What d’you… what d’you have?
Sequoia: Our hold for the end please today is the end of Month of the Twenty Seven Knives!
Kim: YES! [Sequoia laughs] Does it have knives in it? If it doesn’t have knives in it you are not allowed to read it to me.
Sequoia: [laughs] It has knives in it.
Kim: All right. Cool.
Sequoia: Knives are the main part of it.
Kim: Who… who sent this in? Let’s give ‘em credit right now at the top.
Sequoia: This was sent in by our listener Isabel. Thank you Isabel for sending in part two of the Month of the Twenty Seven Knives.
Kim: [whispering] Nice.
Sequoia: In… in Isabel’s email they said that this was a Halloween themed…
Kim: Oh. Spooky!
Sequoia: …sort of a spooky experience, which I really like. So after Cho kills that guy… [Kim laughs] right? [laughs]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And Draco’s standing there like, wow this guy’s dead.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cho has Draco help her drag the body into an alley.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then she tells him that she has been undercover, basically, at the Department of Mysteries.
Kim: Okay. Oookay.
Sequoia: I mean, she isn’t… she’s like… she like pretends like, oh, I’m gonna… after I graduate from Hogwarts I’m thinking of going to the…
Kim: She’s interning at the Department of Mysteries?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, and then…
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And so then she…
Kim: You think there are aurors… I bet there are summer internships at the Ministry of Magic.
Sequoia: There’s gotta be, ‘cause they don’t have further schooling.
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: Gotta be.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Anyway, so she’s at the Department of… she’s tryna get stuff from the Department of Mysteries because she’s tryna bring Cedric back to life.
Kim: OH SHIT! [Sequoia laughs] Awesome!
Sequoia: So she finds out that there’s, like, these ancient Egyptian artifacts.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They are twenty seven knives.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And you, like, stab the body with them?
Kim: Cedric’s body?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And she has been searching for the twenty seventh knife.
Kim: Oh, okay. Cool.
Sequoia: And the man is trying to keep her down or whatever, so she killed this guy. That’s fine.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And so… [laughs] and so they go, they find the twenty seventh knife.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: They go to Cedric’s grave…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …where they stab [laughing] the body with the twenty seven knives [Kim laughs] and he comes back to life, but it turns out…
Kim: He’s like, why the fuck did you stab me so much?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, exactly. I lied to you.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: You don’t stab the body with the knives. [Km laughs] I had to double check. You… you put them on the… you stab the COFFIN with the knives.
Kim: Oh! Okay.
Sequoia: Not the body with the knives.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: So then they go and they put the twenty seventh knife in the coffin, and then Cedric comes back to life, but it’s kinda like the tale of the three brothers, where, like, she didn’t read the fine print…
Kim: Uh ooohhh.
Sequoia: …of the whole scenario, and…
Kim: He comes back…
Sequoia: Well, he comes back…
Kim: …sexier than ever?
Sequoia: No! He comes back…
Kim: Too hot for Cho?
Sequoia: [laughs] And he’s still kind of, like, disintegrating.
Kim: Oh, horrible.
Sequoia: And your body just continues to disintegrate over time…
Kim: Oh, horrible.
Sequoia: …because it turns out the Egyptians did that as a mean thing.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: It was like a bad thing [Kim laughs] to trap a soul in a body. So then Cedric…
Kim: It was a prank?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Cedric crawls out of the grave and pulls one of the knives out and dies again, and then she’s really sad, and then Draco’s like, wow this is fuckin’ weird. [both laugh]
Kim: And then is Draco like, d’you wanna make out?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: There is a portion of this… this is a whole… there’s paragraphs of text here.
Kim: Right, this is a long one.
Sequoia: Yeah, but there is a point where Cho’s like, oh, I just wanna bring Cedric back from the dead, and Draco’s like, wow, like, your obsession with a person, that’s like, crazy. And then Cho’s like, oh haven’t you ever been unable to get someone off your mind? And Draco’s like, oh man, I do think about Harry Potter a lot.
Kim: Ohh, there’s the Drarry.
Sequoia: [laughs] So there’s background Drarry.
Kim: Got it… got it in there just in time.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Gotta get it in there.
Sequoia: And then at the very end they’re… Draco’s like, okay, lemme help you rebury this dude. This was a really weird encounter, goodbye. And then Draco goes back to the Dinklewursts’ residence [Kim snickers] where Narcissa is leaving Jezebel Dinklewurst’s room and closing the door softly.
Kim: Nicccce.
Sequoia: [laughs] And that is hold for the end please.
Kim: That was a spooky one!
Sequoia: It was spooky! It was spooky…
Kim: Ooooh.
Sequoia: …and it was kinda sad and it was… there was a lot happening.
Kim: Yeah, that…
Sequoia: And Draco was just sort of there to witness…
Kim: That was… I… okay, I kind of envisioned these being like a shitpost [Sequoia laughs] and that was like a legitimate end to that story.
Sequoia: I love this…
Kim: It’s really good.
Sequoia: …a lot.
Kim: Yeah, that’s well done.
Sequoia: So thanks so much for sending that in to us. That was hold for the end please.
Kim: Feel free to send those in for any story that you feel was incomplete at any time.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: That we’ve done on the podcast.
Sequoia: I’d like to hear wha… [laughs]
Kim: Not just for any story, wait a second. [laughs]
Sequoia: No, that we’ve done on the podcast. I’d like to get the end of New Year and really see about the rebirth…
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequioa: …of the blood cult into the new year.
Kim: Really get some good blood time. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, I really feel like, y’know, we really could’ve used a lot more…
Kim: Of bloood…
Sequoia: Of blood. Well…
Kim: …and firre and Hermione/Charlie/Harry. [laughs]
Sequoia: Slash Harry/Ron or WHATEVER!
Kim: Polycule. [laughs]
Sequoia: Y’know, what does their new world look like?
Kim: It’s horrible.
Sequoia: Is it just blood?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: OR! [laughs]
Kim: Fill in the rest and send it to us.
Sequoia: It’s just whatever. Yeah, send it to us.
Kim: Send it to our email. Nice! Cool!
Sequoia: Cool! And…
Kim: So… oh, we didn’t talk about your predictions. They’re all wrong.
Sequoia: Oh, we didn’t. I mean, yeah. [softly] Cool. It’s good. Good talk. [both laugh]
Kim: You fucked up.
Sequoia: I did. I did. That was hard!
Kim: Yeah, no, you were never gonna get it.
Sequoia: That was really hard.
Kim: I had forgotten what the title was. I’d like… I put this thing on my list forever ago and it was really long so I’ve been editing it, but I went back and looked at the title and i was like, oh no, thats nothiiinnngg.
Sequoia: Yeah, nope, you gave me absolutely zero to work with. [Kim laughs] Sooo…
Kim: Oh well!
Sequoia: …I went with post Half Blood Prince [Kim laughs] and tried to work with that.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And THAT WAS NOTHING!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: We have another segment.
Kim: Yeah, let’s go into…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pewwww!
Kim: Today I’m recommending something a little bit different.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay.
Kim: There’s a Twitter account I’ve noticed recently.
Sequoia: Woo, yes.
Kim: That is tweeting trans focused fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Every day.
Sequoia: Every day! There’s the… there’s the rec! [laughs]
Kim: Go look at that Twitter!
Sequoia: Go follow that Twitter and read some of the fics that that Twitter is tweeting!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Check that shit out. That’s some good shit! [both laugh]
Sequoia: We’ll put a link to that Twitter in the description…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …of the episode, so go… go look at that.
Kim: Go check that out!
Sequoia: You can find a link to all of our recommendations on our website. [pause] I… it’s hard without the board! We’re in a new space, there’s spiky walls, there’s no board!
Kim: No, I just… the word website’ was bubbling up [Sequoia laughs] and I was trying so hard not to just yell it.
Sequoia: It’s a bad joke.
Kim: I know! [Sequoia laughs] Fanaticalfics.com is our website. It also has all of our episodes as well as our story submission form and links to our merch, both the merch that we sell and the merch that is done through TeePublic. Go check all of that good good shit out.
Sequoia: Check it on out. You can find us…
Kim: [attempting to be in sync] You can follow us… shit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [still laughing] You can follow us on social media, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Have we ever talked about how because of our… our… our… our podcast name, one of the… our friend who does the SEO for us told us that one of the key words that people used to find us is “find them?” [Sequoia starts laughing] I don’t think we’ve talked about that on the podcast, but, y’know, it’s something I think about sometimes.
Sequoia: FIND THEM! [both laugh] Yeah. Great. Mhm.
Kim: No, but if you wanna follow us on social media we’re @FanaticalFics everywhere.
Sequoia: Everywhere. Go follow us. We post some stuff sometimes.
Kim: If you wanna send us an email, our email’s fanaticalfics@gmail.com. AND, if you wanna help us out…
Sequoia: Leave us a review on Facebook, or… or Apple Podcasts.
Kim: We are shouting those out. Eventually.
Sequoia: We are getting to them.
Kim: Another thing, help our podcast grow by telling everyone. By… sorry.
Sequoia: We gotta get into it. We gotta get into the rhythm of trick everyone 2020.
Kim: Tricking everyone you’ve ever met.
Sequoia: Mhm. Trick everyone.
Kim: Trick your child. [laughs]
Sequoia: Trick your child 2020. Trick…
Kim: Child, this is a highly innapropriate podcast.
Sequoia: Here it is.
Kim: Now we listen.
Sequoia: [laughs] I hope you don’t listen to it together.
Kim: Yeah, that’s gotta be…
Sequoia: Trick your cashier with Harry Potter tattoos 2020. Trick your nuns 2020. Really, it’s the same, but we’re just tricking literally everyone.
Kim: Because we realised that not everyone has friends.
Sequoia: Th… we keep getting these fucking tweets and shit where people are like, I don’t have any friends to…
Kim: But I DID trick…
Sequoia: [laughs] But I did trick my cashier with Harry Potter tattoos. So trick everyone 2020. You can also support us on Patreon. We have…
Kim: All kinds of weird fun shit happening.
Sequoia: Come join our Discord.
Kim: Go. Check. It. Out.
Sequoia: We’re doing a book club. We’re doing writing competitions.
Kim: Hell…
Sequoia: We’ve got exclusive merch.
Kim: …yes.
Sequoia: We’ve got all sorts of stuff going on there and it’s tons of fun, so come join us on Patreon. Speaking of Patreon, we do shout outs for our patrons at certain tiers every… after their first six months of being a supporter on Patreon.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So we’re gonna go ahead and do those shout outs.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Why dont you kick us off?
Kim: Fine. [slow, nasal voice, usually used for Snape] “Aaron, if you and Zabini don’t stop bullying Malfoy I will be forced to cancel the spring concert. Now go apologize for saying his lyrics are too pedestrian.”
Sequoia: [laughs] They would be though. [both laugh] All right. Fred and George are finally through pranking first years and their siblings. It’s time to move up to the big leagues. Finally they’ve got bigger fish to fry. After roping in their good friend McKenzie, it’s time to pull the prank of all pranks, and what better target than the Slytherin Prince himself?
Kim: [laughs] We were both bullying Draco today. That’s good.
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, very good. Very good. Everyone bully Draco. [Sequoia laughs] Thanks to those patrons and to all of our other patrons. You let us do this good weird shit.
Sequoia: Thank you so much. And of course, thank you to the Whomping Willows for our theme song. It’s their amazing song Wolfstar.
Both: BYE!