Episode 64: The Second Christmas Special: How Ginny Got Her Christmas Cheer (Feat. Colin)
It’s finally time for CHRISTMAS WITH COLIN. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU COLIN HEADS.
Recommendations:
Mind Games
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3661398
Christmas at the Crossroads
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3133442/1/Christmas-at-the-Crossroads
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Eliana
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Colin: I don’t have any bits.
Kim: I thought you were filling up your bit tank.
Colin: No. I… I emptied the bit tank.
Kim: [whispering] Yikes.
Sequoia: You emptied the bit tank…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...while we were just s… sitting at the table upstairs.
Colin: Yeah, while we were shooting the shit upstairs.
Kim: Oh, I thought… I thought you meant because you… you were drinking coffee…
Colin: Oh yeah.
Kim: ...and claiming that was filling up your bit tank…
Colin: It is. It’s part of the bit…
Kim: ...and then you went and used the bathroom.
Colin: [laughs] Oh, no. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Assumed that was…
Sequoia: No, he was just doing a lot of bits while we were sitting at the table.
Colin: I was just doing too many bits. Now all the bits are gone.
Kim: Those were bits?
Colin: I fired… yeah, that’s as good as you get.
Sequoia: Oh, well, you know… [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: I fired all the bits out of a bit can.
Sequoia: Oh no. [Kim and Sequoia both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello! I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I’m Kim.
Colin: I’m Colin.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Colin: Yaaaaaay!
Kim: A Harry Potter Christmas fanfiction spessel. Special. Wow. What just happened?
Colin: [deep, spooky voice] Meeerryyy Christmasss! [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: I was looking at the waving arms and forgot how to talk.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Colin was doing a lot of visual stuff over here and… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Man, it’s so nice to have you back in the studio.
Colin: Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Sequoia: Live! In person. In the studio.
Kim: There’s something… there’s something about having you here that…
Colin: It is. It’s… yeah.
Kim: ...makes it different.
Colin: It’s a cool energy when… when… when we’re all here.
Kim: I actually… [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Cool… a cool energy is a way to put it!
Colin: A cool… oh boy. Yeah. [everyone laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man. I actually don’t know that I would’ve wanted you here for the anniversary special, because it helped not having to look you in the eyes.
Colin: Ah, yes. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Listen, you know, the listeners, they want us to bring squid month back next year.
Colin: [laughs] Squid month.
Kim: They do. They were into it.
Sequoia: Little too into it. Little too into it, guys.
Kim: Getting a lot of… I’ve gotten quite a few squid submissions, TBH.
Colin: Squidmissions.
Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Cause we’re gonna…
Kim: Squidmissions, yeah.
Sequoia: ...do Squid Month again. Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: But even…
Colin: Well, I’m a… I’m a squid biologist. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] That’s why you have me on.
Sequoia: [laughing] So Colin will be back.
Kim: Even more than requests for squid months are requests for more Colin content.
Colin: Yesss! I don’t… I don’t know how…
Kim: Our listeners…
Colin: I don’t know how I feel about that. I feel very afraid.
Kim: Listeners are very big Colinheads.
Sequoia: Lot of Colinheads out there.
Colin: Lot of Colinheads out there.
Kim: Yeah. This is it. This is our present to you. Merry Christmas.
Colin: Merry Christmas.
Kim: Colinheads. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: That’s me. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Hey. Hey guys. It’s me. I’m in your house. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: In your ears.
Colin: I’m under… yeah, I’m in your ears, I’m under your tree.
Sequoia & Kim: OH NO!
Colin: I’m lying on your polar bear rug in front of the fire.
Sequoia: Okay! All right, well, it was great having you on, Colin…
Kim: Are you wearing nothing but… nothing but a tree skirt? [Colin & Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: No? No?
Sequoia: Don’t do that to them. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Oh man.
Kim: Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: You know, so last Christmas. We…
Kim: [sings] I gave you my heart.
Sequoia: Do not. Do not! I didn’t mean it.
Kim: You did it, though!
Sequioa: I didn’t want to set you up for it.
Kim: You did it! You said it!
Colin: Yeah, but you did.
Sequoia: No, but I needed to express that the Christmas before…
Colin: The previous Christmas.
Sequoia: The prev… yeah, like… [breaks down with laughter]
Kim: You didn’t have to say last Christmas.
Colin: Previous solstice.
Sequoia: Oh, man… Um. We did so many song references.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I’ve been doing my listen back to make the playlist.
Kim: That’s out, right? That was our Christmas…
Sequoia: The playlist?
Kim: That’s our Christmas present to our listeners, right?
Sequoia: Yeah, the playlist came out roughly six to eight days ago. [Kim and Sequioa laugh]
Kim: It was a present!
Sequoia: It was a present.
Kim: It was a present. Merry Christmas. We got you a playlist, if we haven’t talked about it on the podcast yet, which we definitely have. Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Oh, we definitely… oh, did we? Who knows what’s happening?
Kim: We haven’t recorded the next episode yet, Sequoia.
Sequoia: The last episode?
Kim: The one… oh, no! [Sequoia laughs] Time!
Sequoia: Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey podcasting. Who knows when this was happening?
Kim: I was also having a last Christmas thought. Last Christmas, I gave you a story, and the very next minute, you gave me a story back.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: We did two stories last time.
Sequioa: We did do… [Kim and Sequoia laugh] [sarcastically] Oh, this is my favorite bit.
Kim: Shit. [laughs] But today I picked a story so long that…
Sequoia: We… that we’re just doing one.
Kim: That we’re just doing one.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And it’s me.
Colin: I’m excited.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s my turn.
Sequoia: Usually we both do one on a…
Kim & Sequoia: ...on a holiday special, but…
Kim: I fucked up.
Sequoia: By finding something too long? Is that… [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! [Colin & Sequoia laugh] I mean, okay. I… I can’t stop doing this, apparently, picking four thousand word long stories and being like, yeah, I can cut that down to one thousand words!
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s not a thing.
Kim: I cut like half of it! Like I do. But half still leaves us at…
Sequoia: Still leaves us at twenty two hundred words, dude!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Back in the day, we were doing twenty two hundred words pretty easily in an episode that was forty five minutes to an hour long.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And now that’s like more about an hour and a halfish.
Kim: And we have Colin here, which is always…
Colin: Yeah, he’s going to derail everything.
Sequoia: Already. Just… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Going well. [Sequoia groans]
Colin: I’ll be good. As good as I can be. I’m good!
Kim: I mean, we haven’t talked about Star Trek yet.
Colin: Not yet. I don’t have anything new to say about Star Trek.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Haven’t watched Deep Space Nine.
Kim: Oh.
Colin: But you haven’t watched Deep Space Nine.
Kim: I haven’t.
Colin: No. Space butthole… Ferengi… you know.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: [laughs angrily] Goddammit!
Kim: Holodeck.
Colin: Holodeck. [laughs]
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, is that I let you guys do this one time. Like I… like I let the bit go all the way into the episode, and now it’s a bit that has been referenced by our listeners. [Colin and Kim laughing] Like, hey, you know when Kim and Colin talk about Star Trek? And now I have to leave shit like this in! [Kim and Colin giggle like children]
Colin: There’s no Christmas episodes of Star Trek, which I really don’t like. ‘Cause I love Christmas episodes!
Kim: I mean, it makes sense that there wouldn’t be.
Colin: Yeah, it’s post… yeah.
Kim: They don’t celebrate anything in space. Except birthdays.
Colin: They do birthdays. [Sequoia laughs] They celebrate when Data does poetry, and when Riker plays the trombone
Kim: Yep.
[beat of silence].
Sequoia: [deadpan] Wow. Sounds like a great show. Okay! [everyone laughs] This is [deep breath] a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: OH, RIGHT!
Colin: Oh, yeah! Wait, THAT’S what this has been? [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: Colin’s just blocked out every time we’ve read fanfiction to him, ‘cause it’s always just a…
Colin: Yeah, it’s been real…
Kim: Shitshow?
Sequoia: Whooo!
Colin: It’s been an experience.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yes, it has.
Kim: Let’s do this thing.
Sequoia: Let’s do it. Make sure to send your predictions to us. Send them to us via our Instagram story. Tweet them at us #FanficDivination.
Kim: And post them in the Discord.
Sequoia: And do @ us. And yeah, post them in Discord. Let’s do it.
Kim: Can you get any points today for the story titled…
Colin: Let’s find out
Kim: ...How Ginny Got her Christmas Cheer.
Sequoia: OH, NOOOO!
Colin: Oh!
Kim: [loudly, cheerfully] This story came out post Order of the Phoenix!
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: The genre is romance and humor. I’m sorry.
Sequoia: Ohhhhh god.
Colin: I think this is going to… um… roughly follow the plot of A Christmas Carol.
Kim: [splutters] Okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: Ooooh, okay, no, that’s good. That’s a good prediction.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of that stuff.
Kim: It’s almost entirely Snape.
Colin: That… okay. That makes more sense.
Kim: [laughs] But fine.
Colin: Um… okay. Well, theeee pairing is going to be Ginny and Harry. Probably.
Kim: Sure.
Colin: Yeah. Do vanilla. [Kim laughs quietly] And um… uh… it will snow? No, sorry.
Sequoia: Wha… wait, wait.
Colin: It was bad. It’s real bad.
Sequoia: Why?
Colin: Someone will make it snow magically.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s a good one.
Colin: Using their… using the magic that they have to make it snow.
Kim: I like that better. I like that better.
Sequoia: I like that better, but technically the first one you said is not against the rules.
Kim: No, it’s not.
Colin: No, it’s just kind of weak. But someone will make it snow magically.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: To create more cheer.
Kim: We could let him have that one. What do you think? Do you want to let him have it’s… it will snow?
Colin: No, that’s too boring. It’s boring.
Sequoia: No, I don’t.
Colin: I don’t want it.
Sequoia: Because it... ‘cause it’s gonna snow. In the story. Like… [laughs]
Colin: I don’t want it.
Kim: Gonna snow.
Sequoia: I don’t want it!
Colin: I don’t want it! It’s too boring.
Sequoia: Point’s not worth it!
Kim: All right. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. I predict… um… that someone will conjure mistletoe…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ...to be above a couple.
Colin: [whispers] That’s good, that’s good.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: I… let’s see. Someone will open a present from someone they never expected to get a present from.
Kim: Oh, okay. Cool.
Colin: And it’ll contain bees.
Kim: Beeeees! Bees for everyone! [Sequoia laughs] Merry Bee-mas! [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Dumb. Okay. [laughter continues] My third prediction is that, um… they will build a snowman.
Kim: Nice. Very good.
Colin: Very good.
Kim: Good tries.
Sequoia: Ohhhh good.
Kim: All six of those.
Colin: Hmm. Thank you.
Sequoia: Great. Thank you. I appreciate it. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Let’s do this thing.
Colin: Let’s crack open this chestnut. [quiet laughter]
Kim: “It’s snowing!” Harry called up the stairs. [Sequoia and Colin burst out laughing]
Colin: Okay. I am glad I didn’t… I didn’t get that one.
Sequoia: [laughing] Great. Yeah.
Kim: It would’ve been a very rare moment of someone getting a point in the first sentence…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: ...instead of…
Sequoia & Kim: ...losing all their points.
Kim: [laughs] But not yet. [pause] [high-pitched voice, used for Hermione throughout] “I know, Harry,” Hermione returned. She appeared at the top of the stairs, dressed in bulky winter clothing. Hermione Granger was not one to be turned into an ice cube. She walked down the stairs awkwardly, her attire both amusing and difficult to maneuver. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] This is me, by the way. I’m not about that cold life.
Sequoia: No. [everyone laughs] I like how Hermione is like, [slow, condescending tone] yes, Harry. Or…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s a window in my room, too. [Kim and Colin laugh] I can also see outside to see that it is snowing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequioa: Thank you for your announcement.
Kim: [sing-song tone] It’s snowing!
Colin: It’s snowing!
Sequoia: I clearly know, because I have… I have found the correct attire to go outside and just lay in the snow? [quiet laughter]
Kim: To just exist anywhere outside. Man, it’s cold! [Sequoia laughs] “Where’s Ron?” he asked her. “I’m not his keeper. I’m just his girlfriend.”
Sequoia & Colin: Awww.
Sequoia: OTP.
Colin: Lame.
Kim: Gross. [everyone laughs] Hermione shrugged, her eyes and hands occupied with a broken zipper. “Can you help me with this?” “Just a moment. Ron’s about to be late for his own Christmas party! RON!” “Harry! I can’t fix my zipper from this angle!” [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Ron’s throwing a…?
Colin: I like that Ron gets his… Ron gets his own Christmas party?
Kim: He’s throwing a Christmas party.
Colin: Oh, he’s throwing… all right.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s throwing a Christmas party.
Colin: I thought he was getting one.
Kim: For his friends. Oh! [laughs] It’s a Christmas party!
Sequoia: Oh. And then where… but where the fuck’s Hermione going? [laughs]
Kim: To the party!
Sequoia: The party’s outside? Why are we going outside?
Colin: It’s very drafty.
Kim: Jesus Christ. Hold for the fucking text. [everyone laughs] It’s drafty in the house.
Sequoia: [laughing] Drafty! Whoo!
Kim: [bro voice, used for Ron throughout] “Harry, have you seen my keys?” Ron called from the other room. “Honestly, you two can’t even breathe without my directions.”
Sequoia: Where are they?
Kim: They’re at home.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Harry. [laughs] He yanked Hermione’s zip down. “Your keys are in my hand, waiting for you to pick them up so we can all leave. Are you ready?” “Oh, thanks mate. Yeah, sure. Just let me get my boots on.” Hermione and Harry both groaned and sat down. Ron had difficulty tying his shoelaces.
Sequoia: Stupid. [everyone laughs] Why?!
Kim: Which was not to say that he was completely hopeless; it just meant that he failed kindergarten.
Sequoia: Zing!
Colin: Thanks. Thanks author, yeah. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Had to do it to him.
Sequoia: Really got him on that one. [everyone laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Aww, Ron! Ron can tie his fucking shoes!
Colin: Yeah, he’s not that… [laughs]
Sequoia: Come on!
Kim: After several minutes of half muttered swear words, Ron appeared, red faced and ready to leave. He really had to fight those shoes.
Sequoia: Can’t you just… is there a… a spell?
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Colin: Probably.
Sequoia: Can we do some… some magic?
Kim: There’s definitely… [laughs] Nope! He fought his boots for several minutes. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Colin: [making fighting noises] Ah! Ah! Ah! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] They’re like the… the monster book of boots.
Kim: Yes.
Colin: Ahh!
Sequoia: Heyy!
Kim & Colin: Heeeey!
Sequoia: Harry Potter!
Colin: There we… that’s a Harry Potter! That’s a Harry Potter. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: I’m a Harry Potter.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No? “Ready!” he announced.
Sequioa: Oh! [laughs]
Kim: Tapping his boots on the floor proudly. He did it!
Sequoia: [childlike voice] Look what I did! Hermione, look!
Kim: He needs some Velcro. He needs some Velcro, Hermione.
Sequoia: Or a spell! [laughs]
Kim: Hermione followed Ron out the door. “Only you, Ron, could possibly be able to be late for your own Christmas party being held down the road.”
Colin: Yeah, it still makes me think that it’s FOR him. Like, he’s the Christmas. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: He’s throwing it.
Colin: You’re the Christmas this year, Ron!
Kim: He’s throwing the Christmas party, not in his house.
Colin: You’re the Christmas king!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: The Christmas king?
Sequoia: The Christmas king.
Kim: Aw, he won! He won Christmas.
Sequoia: Weasley is our king.
Kim: “And only Hermione Granger would be able to finish top of her class and still have difficulties putting on her jacket.”
Colin: Whomp whomp.
Kim: Harry said.
Sequoia: Wow, Harry, that was unnecessary. Harry’s really… Harry’s one of those people…
Kim: Harry’s being very spicy today.
Sequoia: He doesn’t… he likes to be on time! I understand.
Kim: Oh.
Colin: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: I get it. When you’re a person that likes to be on time, when everybody the fuck else cannot get it together…
Kim: Her zipper was broken.
Sequoia: Get it together!
Kim: Use magic! [everyone laughs] Fuckin’ what?
Sequoia: I’m with Harry on this one.
Kim: Yeah. Fine, okay. Ron threw a snowball at his back as if to defend his girlfriend’s honor. “Not so smart now that you have snow all over your coat, are you?”
Colin: Got him. Got him.
Sequoia: Got him! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, he got him. He got him. Thus, began a snowball brawl. Ron and Harry…
Sequoia: But we’re already late to the party! [laughs]
Kim: Ron and Harry… [laughing continues]
Sequoia: Sorry, I’m very… I’m really feeling it now. Got places to go!
Kim: Ron and Harry rolled around in the snow and ice, getting progressively wetter and not minding a bit.
Colin: Yes, please.
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: And then they kissed.
Colin: [laughs] And then they kissed.
Kim: I don’t know. Did I get Ron/Harry? Who knows? [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: How is that Ginny…
Colin: Yeah.
Sequioa: How does Ginny get her… [Kim laughs]
Colin: Her groove back.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Does she get her groove back?
Kim: When Harry and Ron… no, they’re just having an innocent snowball fight, you PERVS!
Sequoia: You made me this way.
Kim: Or are they? [laughs]
Colin: Fine.
Kim: By reading too much Harry/Ron?
Sequoia: Yeah! [everyone laughs]
Kim: After several minutes of play, mother Hermione told them to get up and keep walking. [laughter]
Sequoia: She’s just standing there, scowling.
Colin: [laughing] Watching.
Kim: Definitely. “I wo…”
Sequoia: In her giant, puffy coat. Just like… [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yeah! She just couldn’t participate because her arms are sticking out because they’re so puffy.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, she’s the little kid from the Christmas Story. [more laughter]
Colin: Yeah!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Scowling.
Kim: “I won, though, right?” Ron asked.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Tildes.
Sequoia: Just…
Kim: Scene change.
Sequoia: He’s… he’s a child. Just tell him he won the game.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Scene change. “It’s snowing,”
Colin: Eh?
Kim: “Very good, professor. Next, we’ll move on to numbers and colors.”
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: All right, all right.
Sequoia: Okay. [whispers] What’s happening?
Kim: Ginny Weasley, having become sufficiently cold to merit a trip to the fireplace, removed herself from the window. It was her first Christmas out of Hogwarts and so far, she had done little more than make some biscuits and sing carols, both activities forced on her by her mother. Some holiday it was turning out to be. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: She lives a really hard life.
Kim: Yeah. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: It’s, like, a really difficult time for her.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: She’s working through a lot.
Kim: Her mom.
Sequioa: Her mom.
Kim: Making her make cookies. [pause] [bratty teenager voice] MOM! [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Let me sulk, MOM! [more laughter] Don’t you know?! Her parents were setting up for the party both she and the professor were expected to join. Oh, we haven’t gotten his name yet, have we?
Sequoia: Yeah, what the fuck is going on?
Colin: Yeah, who?
Kim: [laughs] [small pause] I’m doing a voice! No I’m not. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Gah! I was like, no, that is a fucking lie.
Kim: I… I’m not doing a voice. Who do you think it is? Who do you think the professor is?
Sequoia: The professor without a voice? [laughs]
Colin: The mute professor.
Kim: Never mind. Don’t bother. We’ll get his name in a minute.
Sequoia: Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: Pah, pah, pah, pah. Her parents were setting up for the party both she and the professor were expected to join. It was Ron’s Christmas party, just being held at The Burrow. Ron pleaded to not having enough space in the house he shared with Harry and Hermione.
Sequoia: Aw, they’re still roommates!
Kim: Isn’t that cute? I really like that.
Sequoia: Awwww. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Kim: I like it a lot.
Sequoia: That’s adorable.
Kim: When the trio lives together after Hogwarts and then is a throuple. What?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Did someone say something? [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Did someone say something weird? [laughs]
Sequoia: Nope, that’s great. I’m into it.
Kim: Whatever. You are?!
Sequoia: No! [laughs]
Colin: I’m into it. Our… our thrusband, Ron.
Kim: Exactly. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Goddammit.
Kim: Into it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: That would be the title of my fanfiction. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: My thrusband, Ron?
Colin: OUR thrusband, Ron.
Sequoia: Our thrusband, Ron.
Kim: Yeah, OUR. We share everything.
Sequoia: So, here’s the thing.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Who is Ron throwing this party for?
Colin: I’m very confused.
Kim: All his friends!
Sequoia: All his friends?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What frie… which friends? [laughs]
Colin: He has other friends.
Kim: He’s got a lot of other friends!
Sequoia: Neville.
Kim: They’ve all graduated, they have jobs.
Sequoia: Oh, so it’s just a class reunion.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Let’s hear it. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “You seem a little down, not your usual animated self,” Remus said to her.
Sequoia: Hmmmm.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Hmmmm.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Hmmmm.
Colin: That’s a…
Sequoia: Hmmmm.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Continue. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: She sighed. “That obvious? I just don’t feel like celebrating Christmas.” “None of us really feel like celebrating Christmas, Ginny.”
Sequoia: Ron does. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Yeah, it’s just a chore we all put up with.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, it’s just a fucking thing we all do.
Sequoia: I’ll just fucking eat these fucking cookies.
Kim: Nobody… nobody likes Christmas.
Sequoia: Get all these goddamn presents.
Kim: Spend time with my family.
Colin: Ugh.
Kim: My friends. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Merry Christmas, listeners! [everyone laughs more loudly]
Kim: Christmas sucks! [laughter dies down] “We’re still recovering from a bloody war, and the reports are still coming in of more damage to repair. If you worked in the administration, like your mother and I do, then you would know the extent of it, too. We need something like Christmas to keep us sane. If we didn’t, well…” He spread his hands as if lost for words.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Colin: Oh, no!
Kim: They’re just going through the Christmas motions.
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Colin: Oh, no!
Sequoia: Going through the Christmas motions.
Colin: Stiff upper lip. [Kim laughs] Just keep soldiering on, I guess.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah!
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Colin: The administration. So is this like a new interim government?
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Which I’m for, because… you know.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: The Ministry of Magic facilitated that whole…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Oh, for sure.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Sequioa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Yeah. The war is over. They won. Molly is working in the new administration with Lupin.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m about that.
Kim: I’m about it.
Sequoia: I’m about that a lot.
Kim: I love it. Those are two very good people to put the world back together. Right?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Colin: So, who won the… was it wizard Labour that won the election and now they have to clean everything up, or what? [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: I’ll kick you out of the house. [Colin laughs]
Kim: “We aren’t celebrating, professor.” It was a losing battle getting her to call him by his first name. “We’re just...” I mean, I have never been able to call any teacher… we went to my high school reunion and the principal was like, call me by my first name, and I was like, absolutely not!
Sequoia: No! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Like, our friends that are teachers now, I feel like I should start calling them by their last names. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: This is a valid point, but I mean…
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: Maybe you would… would you… you’d say like Mr. Lupin, or whatever. You wouldn’t say professor.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, you wouldn’t say just professor.
Sequioa: He’s not a professor. He was a professor, once, for five seconds, and he did not teach you, I don’t think. [laughs]
Kim: Ginny was there. He taught Harry’s third year.
Sequoia: Great, she was present.
Kim: That was Ginny’s… that was Ginny’s second year.
Sequoia: Yeah. So she probably maybe had a class with, but…
Kim: Yeah so, she… she had him as a professor. Yes.
Sequoia: That was many years ago.
Kim: Yes, it was.
Sequoia: One time, for one year!
Kim: That would’ve been… she’s like eighteenish now? It’s only been like…
Sequoia & Kim: …six years?
Kim: “We aren’t celeb...” Oh, sorry, I already said that. “We’re just pretending. Who has Christmas spirit these days?” “I can’t answer that one, I’m afraid.”
Sequoia: Ron.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Answered your question. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. I think Harry probably does, too.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Your mom.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Maybe Molly’s just pretending. “But there are still a few more hours until Christmas day. Perhaps we’ll have one of those coveted Christmas miracles.”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Colin: [fake crying] I sure hope so. Yes, I hope so.
Sequoia: Fuck! Why didn’t I guess there was going to be a Christmas miracle?! [Kim laughs] Goddamnit!
Kim: Because… because we have literally never done a holiday special…
Sequoia: A Christmas story…
Sequoia & Kim: A holiday special…
Kim: ...where the story had anything to do with the holiday.
Colin: That’s right.
Sequoia: [laughing] Listening to our last Christmas special, [Kim laughs] and like vaguely at the end of both stories it was like, also, that was on Christmas day. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I think in Christmas Milk the only mention of Christmas…
Colin: [laughing] Christmas Milk!
Kim: ...was in the title!
Sequoia: [laughs] No, there was… there was baubles on his toast. [Kim laughs]
Colin: That’s right. He had to eat around the… the ivy and stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] All right. Okay, yeah, I do remember that.
Sequoia: But, like, yeah, this is… I mean, I guess…
Kim: I went Christmas this year.
Sequoia: ...we’re actually reading a Christmas story.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Damn. Okay, yeah, Christmas miracle.
Kim: Surprise!
Sequoia: Let’s get a fucking Christmas miracle up in this shit.
Kim: Hm. You’ll get something. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] “Maybe,” Ginny conceded thoughtfully. The doorbell rang and Molly Weasley appeared from the kitchen, hands busy wiping themselves on her apron. “Ginny dear, would you please answer the door? It should be your brother. It probably won’t, but it should.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Have a party at my fuckin’ house.
Kim: Don’t show up.
Colin: Don’t worry.
Kim: Fuckin’ Ron!
Colin: That seems like something Ron would… that seems very in character. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yep. “Excuse me, Remus,” Ginny murmured as she made her way past him and to the door. Upon opening it, she found Harry, Hermione, and Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re there!
Kim: There they are!
Sequoia: They made it!
Kim: Hermione and Harry got them there.
Colin: it’s a Christmas miracle! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: There it is!
Sequoia: Harry knew, so he told them thirty minutes before they needed to…
Kim & Colin: Yeah, yeah.
Colin: Smart.
Kim: Dripping wet and their cheeks flushed red. “How nice of you to finally make it,” she said, leaning against the doorframe. “You’re lucky that Remus is the only early guest. Then again, he’s been here since five.” How early did Remus get to the party?
Sequoia: Three hours.
Kim: Nice. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: He’s very prompt!
Colin: [laughing] He’s…
Kim: Three hours early is beyond prompt.
Sequoia: Listen, he doesn’t… he’s…
Colin: He had to help set up.
Sequoia: Yeah, he had to help set up.
Kim: He did. Remus.
Sequoia: For sure.
Kim: I’m surprised Neville’s not there, too. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Woo. “Good to see you too, Gin,” Ron said, wrapping her in a soggy bear hug. Fuck that nickname, man.
Sequoia: Yeah. Ooooph.
Kim: It’s a bad one. Remus had risen as he heard the doorbell, and greeted the three entrants affectionately. He had always had a warm spot for them and he knew the trio quite well. But it was Ginny who he found most puzzling, and she was a puzzle he relished the idea of cracking.
Sequoia: NOOOOO!!!!
Colin: NO! I don’t like this!!
Sequoia: NO! NO! NO! NO! [pause] NO!
Kim: What? Um, well, that is to say, he hoped he would find out why the young lady was so closed up.
Colin: Oh, okay, I’m sure… I’m sure that solves that. That won’t go anywhere. [Sequoia makes retching noises]
Kim: What?! They’re all adults! Everyone here’s an adult.
Sequoia: Uh… yeah.
Kim: Accept this! Accept what I’m doing! [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Remus deserves to be happy!
Sequoia: Uh… sure, I guess. That’s fine. Okay.
Colin: Not at the cost of the rest of us.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] “I think I’ll see if I can find something to drink,” Remus muttered, turning and heading towards the kitchen. He needed something to straighten out his mind. He was here for some good, clean, PG fun.
Sequoia: OH, MY GOD!
Colin: OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!
Sequoia: Dude!
Kim: Dude’s got a boner. [Sequoia laughs loudly] Yep, he has a boner.
Colin: What a lust filled old man!
Kim: Yikes. What he needed was some scotch or whiskey.
Colin: No, no, no.
Kim: Because this party was just getting started.
Sequoia: No, no, nonono.
Colin: No, no, no, a cup of coffee.
Sequoia: You need a cold shower.
Colin: Yeah, a…
Sequoia: And a ride home.
Kim: Go stand outside. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Colin: A glass of Christmas milk.
Sequoia: Lay in the… [laughs] in the snow
Kim: Drink some milk.
Sequoia: Drink some milk.
Kim: No, you’re not supposed to drink the milk, you’re supposed to marry the milk. [laughter] All right, we’re gettin’ a scene change. Ron bumped into Harry who hung onto him like he was the last lifeboat on the Titanic.
Sequoia: Oh, god! [laughs]
Kim: “Mate, I’m going to need my arm in the distant future,” “Yeah, I know. I’m just… nervous, yeah?”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Colin: Ohh.
Kim: Harry did look nervous. He had sweat beading on his forehead and upper lip, even his hair looked especially jumpy. But…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: ...that was how his hair usually looked, so they paid it no mind.
Sequoia: [laughs] How does your hair look jumpy?
Kim: I think Harry’s hair… I would describe… I think that’s a valid description of the whatever is happening on Harry’s head.
Sequoia: Jumpy?
Kim: It’s just kind of like all over the place. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] “Why are you so worried? You know all the people I’m inviting.” “Yeah. Whatever. Look, Ron.” [everyone laughs] “Do you think Ginny’d go out with me?”
Colin: Ooooh!
Sequoia: Oh, no. What’s happening?
Kim: Ron looked at his friend in disgust for a moment.
Colin: Ugh!
Kim: “I’m her brother!” “Yeah… so?” “So?! [Sequoia laughs] So I know where she keeps her diary! I’ll get it for you.” [Sequoia laughs loudly]
Colin: Oh, that did not… did not go the way I was expecting! [laughs] I liked that. Thank you, author. That was good.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Oh, man.
Kim: Ron’s… Ron’s very pro Harry/Ginny.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ron’s a… Ron’s a Hinny shipper. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: I don’t think this author’s a Hinny shipper.
Kim: Oooh.
Sequoia: I don’t think… that’s definitely not where we’re gonna go.
Kim: [strainedly] Not where we’re going.
Sequioa: Nice try, Colin. [laughs] [Colin groans]
Kim: Hinny’s nice. I… I… I like Hinny.
Sequoia: Of course, yeah.
Kim: Scene change. The party was in full swing.
Colin: That was the same scene. It doesn’t matter. [laughs] It’s the same place, same location.
Kim: It was a… it was a change of like… we were here, now we’re over here. Like, cut to Harry and Ron.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Cut back to Remus.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cut back to Remus, laying in the snow. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Face down in the snow. The party was in full swing, especially once the twins arrived, both dressed like Santa. They had brought presents for everyone but had ordered the party-goers not to open them before midnight. It was all…
Colin: Fair.
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re up to some shit.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: All right.
Kim: Yeah. It was all fun and games and chuckles, until someone did try to open their present. The twins assured the guests that he would regain use of his limbs in a matter of hours.
Colin: Oh, no!
Sequoia: [laughs heartily] Really, don’t!
Kim: Don’t open your present, yet! [whispers] Yet. [quiet chuckles]
Kim: Remus had found the punch bowl, but on his way back, found himself on the wrong side of a Hermione conversation… [Sequoia laughs loudly]
Colin: Oh, yeah.
Kim: This… this author has some very spicy Hermione takes and I’m about it. [everyone laughs] ...and was struggling to either stay afloat or awake. [Sequoia laughs] Perhaps saving a helpless creature would add to her Christmas spirit fund, Ginny thought. She walked over and tugged urgently at Remus’s sleeve. “Professor. I mean, Remus, I need to talk to you.” He…
Sequoia: Ughhhhhhhhh. [laughs]
Kim: Accept it!
Colin: I’m still not on board.
Kim: It’s happening.
Sequoia: I’m so sad.
Kim: Get on board.
Colin: Don’t like it.
Kim: We’re just… just… you gotta get on board with me.
Sequoia: But it’s Christmas!
Colin: Fine.
Kim: Gonna make it easier if we’re all on board here.
Colin: I’m climbing onto the train. Whatever train this is, wherever it’s going. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: It’s the… G… g… Ginmus…
Colin: Ginmus express.
Sequoia: No. Oh, no. No. Not express.
Colin: Choo choo.
Kim: He gave her a relieved and thankful expression. “I’m sorry, Hermione. We’ll continue our conversation about variance in shoelace quality another time.”
Colin: Oh, my god!
Sequoia: What?! Hermione’s not that fucking boring!
Colin: She’s not that boring!
Kim: She’s gotten boring. [laughter] More boring with time.
Sequoia: Voldemort’s defeated and then all of a sudden, she’s like…
Colin: Nothing to talk about.
Kim: Nothing to talk about.
Sequoia: This is the stuff she wanted to talk about the whole time.
Colin: Ah.
Kim: Yeah. And she had to talk about defeating the Dark Lord instead.
Colin: There’s too much like… okay.
Kim: When all she really wanted to talk about was shoelaces.
Sequoia: Variance in shoelace quality.
Kim: I mean, it’s probably important when you have a boyfriend who can’t tie his shoes.
Colin: Yeah, I guess. I mean, there’s like synthetics versus non-synthetics.
Sequoia: You gotta get strong… well, if you got like a strong shoelace that was also had a little bit of stretch to it…
Kim: Mhm
Sequoia: Then you just tie his shoes and he could just pull them on…
Kim: Exactly!
Sequoia: ...and off. Important.
Kim: It’s very important! [Sequoia laughs] Come on! She drew him away from Hermione and into the throng of the merry crowd. “Sorry for dragging you away from that riveting conversation,” she said idly, “but I am firmly against cruelty to animals, especially humans.”
Sequoia: Actually, don’t say that to Remus, though.
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs loudly]
Colin: Ooh!
Sequoia: Actually, though.
Colin: Too close to home! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yikes.
Kim: “Where can I make a donation?” he joked, making her chuckle slightly. He’s fine with it. Today.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: He’s having fun.
Sequioa: Yeah. He’s…
Kim: He’s not worried about his furry little problem. [Sequoia and Colin chuckle] Ginny released his sleeve from her grip and made as if to leave. “Um, Ginny, I was just wondering, in relation to our conversation earlier, if you had re-found your excitement over Christmas?”
Colin: In the last twenty minutes?
Kim: There’s a fun party happening!
Colin: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Colin: All right.
Sequoia: Fred and George did a prank, and…
Kim: Not yet!
Sequoia: Oh, god! Damn! [laughs]
Kim: That was a mini prank. That was a pre… “No, I don’t think I have,” she admitted. “It’s going to take more than fake Santas, punch, and really awful holiday songs to make me fall in love with Christmas again.”
Colin: Wizard Christmas music must be the absolute worst.
Kim: It is.
Colin: And I want to hear it so badly!
Kim: It is. It’s Celestina…
Sequoia: Warbeck. Yeah.
Kim: Warbleck. Warbleck? Is that the name? And she’s got some, like, really shitty sounding songs, right?
Colin: [sings] Who is the Jesus sleeping in the cradle?
Kim: [laughs] I don’t think that’s it. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: No, keep going.
Colin: [continues to sing] Come on down the chimney, wizard Jesus.
Kim: Why do they…
Sequoia: Why is wizard Jesus also Santa? [everyone laughs] Why? [keeps laughing]
Kim: [still laughing] Wizard Jesus.
Colin: Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to believe. [Sequoia laughs again]
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Sure. Watch out for Colin’s…
Kim: Christmas…
Sequoia: Colin’s Wizard Christmas…
Colin: My album?
Kim: Wizard Christmas album.
Sequoia: ...album. Dropping soon.
Kim: Do you want to give us a name?
Colin: I don’t have anything good.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: M’kay. Well, actually, though, if you check the playlist… you know what I’m gonna add to the playlist today?
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: Some of my favorite Christmas wizard rock songs.
Kim: Oh okay, do that, yeah.
Sequoia: There’s some pretty good ones. I’ll add those to the playlist.
Colin: Oooh!
Kim: Yeah. Do that. That’s… that’s normal.
Sequoia: None of them are about how wizard Jesus is also Santa. [all laugh]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Not a one!
Kim: Weird! [laughs] Ginny saw Hermione looking over to where they had stopped, a suspicious expression on her face. “She’s onto us. Go hide in the kitchen!” [Sequoia laughs] Remus took off through the crowd. Ginny prayed he would make it there in time, because no one deserved to talk to Hermione at a party and especially not at a Christmas party, of all things.
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Colin: Wow! Just tell us how you really feel.
Sequoia: Ooh! The Hermione bashing is strong!
Kim: Yeah. [laughs] I love it. All right. Scene change. A bottle of scotch and half a diary later, Harry and Ron were both soused and enraged at the gall Ginny Weasley had writing her true thoughts in her own journal. [everyone laughs loudly]
Sequoia: Ron throws a Christmas party…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: At a h… his mom’s house.
Kim: Yes.
Colin: Makes his mom do the work.
Sequoia: Makes his mom do the work.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then isn’t even fucking at the Christmas party?
Kim: Nope.
Sequioa: ‘Cause he is in Ginny’s room reading her diary.
Kim: With Harry.
Colin: Invading her privacy.
Sequoia: [laughs] He is incredible.
Kim: He’s hidden in his sister’s room, with Harry, drinking together.
Colin: An entire bottle of scotch, I’m led to believe.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Whoooo. That is… bad news. [laughs]
Kim: So good luck.
Sequoia: Goddamnit, Ron. Ron doesn’t know how to throw a fucking Christmas party.
Kim: That’s why he’s not doing it at his house. [Sequoia and Colin laugh] Somebody else is taking care of it right now. Hermione.
Sequoia: Not Hermione! Fred and George.
Kim: Yeah. That’s who’s taking care of it. It mentioned nothing of being warm for the form of Harry, and actually said that he was almost like a brother!
Sequoia: [gasp] Oh, no.
Kim: It was disgusting! [Sequoia laughs] How could she even think of going out with someone she felt like a brother towards?
Colin: Oh! Okay. I like this.
Kim: And they were going to let her know.
Sequoia & Colin: Ohhhh!
Colin: Yes! I like where this is headed.
Sequoia: Merry Christmas.
Kim: Ginny!
Sequoia: We’re here to drunkenly yell at you.
Kim: You think of Harry like a brother? Gross! [laughter]
Sequoia: Aw, shit.
Kim: And we’re gonna make you date him! [more laughter]
Sequoia: Oh, man. these are the people the wizarding world is like, ah, thank you to the trio for saving…
Kim: You saved the world.
Sequoia: ...our lives. And they’re like, oh, god I’m so drunk, reading your sister’s diary!
Kim: [laughs] Nice. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Saviors of the wizarding world. [laughter]
Colin: [laughs] They’re the heroes we deserve, I guess. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah. [everyone keeps laughing]
Sequoia: Goddamnit.
Kim: Downstairs, the party was buzzing, and most were getting quite sloshed due to…
Colin: Ah, hell yeah!
Kim: ...someone spiking the punch, pumpkin juice and even the booze.
Colin: Annual… [everyone bursts into laughter]
Kim: Someone spiked the booze! With wizard booze. [more laughter] I don’t know what that is.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! I hope there’s no children at this party.
Colin: Annual Christmas rager.
Kim: No, there’s no children.
Sequoia: Yeah, the Christmas rager.
Kim: Yep. The twins were suspiciously sober, sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for the clock to strike twelve.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: Hermione was not so suspiciously sober, and was playing all of her favorite music because no one was listening.
Sequoia: [laughs] What’s her favorite music? Like the… uh… it’s just like…
Kim: I don’t know. Something really la… it’s Bjork.
Sequoia: [high pitch] What?!
Colin: I like Bjork.
Kim: Not lame.
Sequoia: [high pitched] I love Bjork! [laughs loudly]
Kim: I… I… I had a… I had another thought halfway through that sentence.
Sequoia: Okay, great. [laughs]
Kim: I was like, no, not lame. Really weird. She’s listening to Bjork.
Colin: Ah. Bjork.
Sequioa: Okay. Yeah.
Colin: Yoko Ono.
Sequoia: I feel like it could go like… yeah. Mhm.
Kim: Yes. Yeah. Yes. Some Enya thrown in there.
Sequoia: Ooh yeah!
Colin: Christmas Enya.
Sequoia: No, this is good. I’m right on this. [laughs]
Kim: Hermione’s Christmas playlist.
Sequoia: Hermione’s Christmas playlist, coming to our playlist soon. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Is this you at a party, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Playing all my music because I’m not drunk and everyone else is…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequioa: ...shwastey?
Kim: Yeah. Is this you, like, ten years ago at a party?
Sequoia: Oh, ABSOLUTELY. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Monopolizing the iPod.
Sequoia: Yeah. Because nobody else is fucking doing it.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Everyone else is acting a damn fool.
Colin: This playlist isn’t good enough.
Kim: Yeah! [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no! Oh, no!
Kim: Now I have to play my songs!
Sequoia: Oh, no, I feel too seen! [laughter]
Kim: It’s you. It’s you! Ginny heard Harry and Ron before she saw them.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: And when she saw them, she leapt to her feet to take her diary back.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Colin: Oh, no!
Kim: “Ginny, how could you?” Ron asked her.
Sequoia: Oh, my god, this is nothing. Oh, no!
Kim: [stifles laughter] “That’s my diary, Ron. Maybe I should be the one asking the questions.”
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: [laughing] Clearly.
Kim: She took the book from them and went upstairs. “I don’t know about you, mate,” Harry said, “but I don’t think that worked out.”
Sequoia: Yeah, they didn’t… [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Kim: “Oh, shut up!”
Sequoia: They came down to yell at her and she was like, nope!
Kim: Fuck you!
Sequoia: Taking my diary, bye! [Colin and Kim laugh]
Kim: The clock Fred and George had been watching chimed midnight…
Sequoia: [whispering] Uh oh.
Kim: ...and they climbed onto their chairs, excitement clear on their faces. “Hear, ye!” called Fred. “Hear, ye!” called George.
Sequoia: [laughs] Classic.
Colin: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: “It’s twelve o’clock, that means it’s Christmas, and it’s time to open some presents!”
Colin: Yay!
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: People started ripping open wrapping paper, and then the exclamations began. “Hey! Where’s my present?” “There’s nothing in here!” “This is even worse than that framed picture of Snape I got last year!” [Sequoia and Colin start to laugh; Kim joins them a moment later]
Sequoia: Was that Harry? [laughs]
Kim: It was whomever. It’s Neville. [Sequoia and Colin laugh louder]
Sequoia: That would be a really cruel plank to… prank to play on Neville! [Kim laughs] That would be so rude!
Kim: Oh, no! The twins tried unsuccessfully to cover the grins painted all over their faces [Sequoia giggles] “We’re awfully sorry about this,” Fred managed to squeeze out. “This was a huge mistake,” said George. [sing-song voice] “We will fix it right away!”
Colin: [chuckles] It’s a solemn meditation on consumerism. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] We need to feel bad.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, so the prank’s not over. This is like mid prank. Okay.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Gotcha.
Kim: We’re gonna switch to upstairs now.
Sequoia: The prank is sort of a line that’s taking us through the story.
Colin: Ohh!
Kim: Yeah. It is. It is, exactly. Upstairs. Ginny Weasley was quite unconcerned with the safety breach of her private thoughts. In fact, she was laughing to herself as she made her way back to her room. Only Ron would believe that his sister would keep her diary within easy reach of him.
Colin: Hmmmm. Nice.
Sequoia: Nice. Decoy diary!
Colin: Yeah!
Kim: Ginny Weasley was the most knowledgeable person on the subject of secret diaries.
Colin: Eh… sure.
Kim: That’s a little bit of a yikes.
Colin: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. That, ah… wow. Cool. Man.
Kim: That’s a way to phrase that! [Colin laughs] That thing that happened to her.
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess you could say expert on secret diaries, you could say…
Sequoia & Kim: ...victim. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Goddamnit.
Colin: Yes. Sometimes you gotta find the positives in even the most traumatic events.
Sequoia & Kim: Yeah. [they laugh]
Sequoia: Now I just know a lot about secret diaries!
Kim: [laughs] She placed her decoy diary on top of her wardrobe and then rubbed at her eyes to make them red as if she had been crying.
Sequoia & Colin: Nice.
Kim: [laughs] She’s so devious in this.
Sequoia: It’s good, it’s very good.
Kim: Although she was expecting someone to come comfort her, she was rather surprised when it turned out to be Lupin. [Sequoia and Colin draw in a breath] We’re not surprised, though.
Colin: Nope. Nope.
Sequoia: No, we’re not, ‘cause we [sing-song tone] know more than we wanted to. [Sequioa and Colin laugh]
Colin: The ultimate dramatic irony is that you don’t want to know that. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Aww. [upbeat tone] “Hello professor, can I help you?” Or do you think she sounds sad? [sad tone] “Hello, professor, can I help you?”
Sequoia: Yeah, because she’s doing a… she’s doing a thing.
Kim: She’s pretending to be sad. Okay.
Colin: Doing a bit.
Sequoia: [laughs] She’s doing a bit.
Kim: A bit. [laughs]
Sequoia: No one else knows it’s a bit, but [Colin laughs] she’s having a great time.
Kim: He looked incredibly uncomfortable in her room. The walls were covered in her teenage and childish obsessions.
Colin: Yeah, I feel uncomfortable again. Yeah. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Are we gonna get… is… is…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Are we gonna know what…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No? Okay.
Kim: But we know.
Sequoia & Kim: We know.
Kim: It’s a catalogue.
Sequoia: It’s a Harry shrine.
Kim: A library of Harry shit.
Colin: Oh yeah. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: It’s a melted statue of all the glasses he’s ever used.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: No. That’s not it. Some wizard boy band. Right?
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm.
Colin: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Kim: “Hi, Miss Weasley. May I come in?” “Sure. What brings you to my abode?” “It’s mayhem down there. People are complaining about the gifts they were given by the twins. I can sense a food fight is only minutes away,”
Colin: [chuckles] That’s such a logical conclusion to disappointing presents.
Sequoia: Yeah, whenever I get a present I don’t like I pick up the nearest food item…
Colin: Yeah.
Sequioa: ...and throw it at whomever gave me the present.
Kim: I mean, Ron and Harry are there incredibly drunk.
Colin: Ah, true.
Kim: Doing whatever it is they’re doing. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] “What’s the matter with the presents?” Ginny asked, retrieving hers from her pocket. “I don’t know. I didn’t open mine, yet.” They opened them and shared a look of puzzlement as they revealed absolutely nothing. “There’s something very fishy about this.” [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: It’s Fred and George, guys! Come on!
Colin: Yeah, thank you!
Kim: “My brothers have something planned.” Ginny stood up, still holding the empty wrapping paper, “I’ll ask them to let me in on the secret.” Cut to…
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Smash cut to, Downstairs was a very interesting sight.
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: The twins had spent many hours working in their secret lab to come up with…
Sequoia: Lair.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia & Kim: It’s a lair.
Kim: It’s a lair.
Sequoia: Come on. [laughs]
Kim: In their secret lair, [Sequoia and Colin laugh] to come up with the perfect prank that would have just enough mischief and goodwill to cover their backsides.
Sequoia: Hm. Yeah. That’s important.
Kim: The Mistletoe Charm was quite simple. [Sequoia gasps loudly]
Colin: Ooooh!
Sequoia: NO!
Kim: Hold. For. The. Text before you celebrate.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay, okay. Fine, damnit!
Kim: The present was opened, and the person doing the unwrapping was annoyed to see that it was nothing. But this was a lie.
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: In two minutes, the charm would begin, making the recipient begin snogging the nearest person.
Sequoia: Oh, noooo!
Colin: Oooh! [Kim laughs] Yes!
Kim: Once the charm wore off (it was only powerful enough for one really good kiss...) Just one! Really good kiss. On the face.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: ...the parties concerned blushed and disentangled themselves. Hermione, realizing she had just kissed her potential father-in-law, hid in the closet.
Sequoia: [shouting] This is… that… what… that’s bad! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] I don’t think there’s enough goodwill to… [laughs]
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: [laughs] Where’s the goodwill?
Kim: I don’t know. Molly patted Colin Creevey on the head…
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: Oh, gross.
Kim: ...both a little dazed. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: That’s gross. Cool.
Kim: Here’s one more. Harry and Ron…
Sequoia: [scream laughing] Oh, yeah! [laughs]
Colin: Yes! Yes!
Sequoia: We got there!
Kim: We got there. [Sequoia laughs] But really, though. ...were too drunk to care that they had just snogged each other…
Colin: And they liked it. Yep. Yep.
Kim: ....and did it again!
Sequoia: [scream laughing] YEAH!! [Colin laughs]
Kim: We got there. Got my Harry/Ron in. ‘Cause there’s something wrong with me. [everyone laughs] Everyone else was embarrassed and silent, trying to make heads or tails of what had just happened. The hush was disturbed by Remus and Ginny rolling down the stairs, locked in each other’s arms.
Sequoia: Ohhhkayyy.
Colin: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: That seems painful.
Kim: Seconds later, Ginny looked up from Remus’s eyes and took in the crowd staring at them. She carefully climbed off him and got to her feet fluidly. “That hurt more than it looked.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh loudly]
Colin: Yeah, I bet it did! They would’ve had to go end over end. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Yeah, right? Unless the staircase is really wide, which I doubt it.
Sequoia: [laughing] They just… [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: Or, like, they were balled up somehow?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Yikes. That’s all yikes.
Sequoia: Oh, no! [laughs]
Kim: “That hurt more than it looked,” she finally said, and walked out of the door with quiet dignity.
Colin: Hm.
Kim: I don’t think she did.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: She kind of, like, speed walked out.
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t think anyone is… [laughs]
Kim: Can roll down the stairs… oh, no one here’s dignified?
Sequoia: No one here’s got any dignity left!
Kim: No.
Sequioa: It’s all gone!
Kim: Nope. Nope, nope, nope. You’ve just kissed whomever. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Wizard consent, man. Someone’s gotta teach a class.
Kim: Wizards do not care. [Colin laughs] They are the worst.
Sequoia: Wizards are bad. Yeah.
Kim: Yikes. [mumbling] It’s just a joke, bro.
Colin: It’s just a prank, bro.
Sequoia: God.
Kim: A few moments… I mean, it did… it did end happy for a couple of people. Harry and Ron.
Colin: Mhm. Mhm. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Worked out for two people. Well, two more. Here we go. A few moments afterwards, Remus was walking after her. “Ginny,” he called into the dark, and was startled to find her just outside the house. “Are you okay?” “Of course I am, Remus,” she said casually. Her eyes were sparkling, and it was easy to see the Weasleys shared a lot of traits. [pause] She thought that was hilarious. Right?
Sequoia: Oh! Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequioa: Sure. Sure.
Kim: She’s feeling mischievous.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s got a mischievous twinkle. Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: Ginny turned to face him. Remus cupped her face in his hands and kissed her.
Sequoia: Ahhhhhh!
Colin: Mmmmmm.
Kim: He felt her lips curl up in a smile under his and he drew back so he could see her. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I am full of Christmas cheer,” she said. “Oh, me too. Shouldn’t we go carolling now, or something?” He made a face. “I think kissing you again would be twice as much fun.”
Colin: Uhhhhhhhhh.
Sequoia: Oooooookay. Okay.
Kim: [cheerily] Merry Christmas!
Sequoia & Colin: [in pained voices] Merry Christmas.
Kim: Accept the pairing! [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I… I… ah. I accept it. That was kind of… kind of cute. I like it.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: [sighs] It was fine. They’re…
Colin: I like it.
Kim: Yeah!
Colin: They’re all adults.
Sequoia: They’re all adults.
Kim: Everyone is an adult. They’re just having fun.
Sequoia: Everyone’s an adult.
Kim: And… they… get along!
Sequoia: One adult is…
Colin: A lot more adult than the other.
Sequioa: ...twenty-three, four, years older than the other adult. [Kim and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Both adults! One more adultier than the other adult.
Kim: I think that if they had existed at the same time… like, if they had gone to school together, I think Ginny and, like, the Marauders… which is why…
Sequoia: Oh, Ginny would’ve gotten along so well with the Marauders.
Kim: Which is why she gets along so well with Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Because he’s got a lot of his father in him.
Sequoia: I am surprised. Usually when these pairings exist there’s some kind of a magic or a time travel or a blah blah blah.
Colin: No. [chuckles]
Kim: No, not really. I mean, that happens sometimes, but I think a lot of, like, Hermione slash older person stuff just happens.
Sequoia: Oh, there’s a lot of Hermione/Remus. That’s a lot.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: A lot of that.
Kim: And that just happens.
Sequoia: Yep. That’s true.
Kim: So. I mean, yeah, in… in the real world, that would be a little yikes, but these are abstract characters who…
Sequoia: [laughs] Whatever. Exactly.
Colin: Fictional people.
Kim: ...aren’t real people.
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: And if you think two characters would get along, that’s fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. Sure.
Colin: All right. Fine.
Kim: I like… I really like the prank. It’s so funny.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, I’m so mad that actual mistletoe didn’t appear.
Kim: Yeah, no actual mistletoe.
Colin: Oh, wow.
Kim: But it was… I thought… I thought you were going to guess a mistletoe spell.
Sequoia: Oh. No.
Kim: Because that happens… that’s like your favorite Christmas trope.
Sequoia: That’s my favorite Christmas trope. Well, usually it’s like… like a third party.
Kim: Summons mistletoe.
Sequoia: Summons mistletoe to be above two people.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because they’re like, come on! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] So I guess I got a little too pe… sp… specific.
Kim: Specific? Yeah, maybe. I mean, I guess Fred and George were kind of like… lol. [Sequoia laughs] Come on, Harry and Ron, just make out already! I was like, come on, Harry and Ron, just make out already.
Sequoia: Yeah, they… clearly there was… there was something there. I think from the beginning of the story. [laughs]
Kim & Colin: Yes!
Sequoia: There was always something there.
Kim: Yes! Harry/Ron. There’s something wrong with me. Why do I like that so much? [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: I don’t know, man.
Kim: I just want Ron to be happy! My thrusband! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Our thrusband!
Colin: Our thrusband, Ron.
Sequoia: Our thrusband Ron. [laughs] Goddamnit. [everyone exhales deeply] Excellent.
Colin: Big ol’ goose egg for me.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: No points.
Kim: Good try, friends.
Colin: Eh. I did okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: It did snow. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: It did snow.
Colin: That was a lame prediction.
Sequoia: It did snow.
Kim: It was explicitly mentioned that it was snowing, it’s true.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim: No snowman, though.
Sequoia: No snowmen. [pause] I felt like I went in… in enough different avenues with all three…
Kim: You were… you were so…
Sequoia: I tried so hard.
Colin: You were close.
Kim: You were very close.
Sequoia: [sighs] [whispering] Goddamnit.
Kim: Hilariously close.
Sequoia: GODDAMNIT! [Colin and Kim laugh] [Kim sighs] And now it’s time for…
Sequoia & Kim: ...A QUICK FICSSSS!
Kim: So today I have a story that is too yikes to read on the podcast. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I’m excited.
Sequoia: Excellent. Lay it on us.
Kim: It’s a Christmas story and I was like yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yiiikes! In this story, Harry, Ron, and Draco are a throuple!
Sequoia: All right. Okay.
Colin: Yes! Yes!
Kim: And Ron is trying to wrap a Christmas present for Draco and he’s getting… he’s like having a crisis over it, and Seamus is like, Harry, your boyfriend’s having a crisis up in the dorms, and Harry’s like, oh, no! And he runs in, and Ron’s like, I can’t wrap this eyeliner! [Sequoia laughs] I feel like such a straight right now!
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, god!
Kim: And I was like, what the fuck?! [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, my god!
Kim: Oh, no! You can’t say that, 2002. Or something.
Sequoia: 2002, come on!
Kim: Mmm. 2004. Yeah, you definitely…
Sequioa: Definitely can’t… yeah!
Kim: ...can’t say that in 2004. Well, no. That’s the same as 2002.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [everyone laughs]
Kim: And Harry’s like, would a straight guy get turned on by this? And then they make out for a while.
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: [laughs] And I was like… and I was like, okay, the yikes continues.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: And then they go downstairs, and Draco makes fun of Dean and Seamus for being too cute of a couple. [Sequoia and Colin laugh]
Sequoia: Weird.
Kim: And then Ron and Harry and Draco all make out. The end.
Colin: I like that.
Kim: No, you don’t!
Colin: I like it a lot.
Sequoia: No, you don’t!
Colin: I’m into it.
Sequoia: [high pitched sigh] Oh, no.
Colin: It’s exactly my thing. [scattered laughter and sighs]
Kim: Ugh, early 2000s ideas about what being gay is like. Wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: [laughing] I can’t wrap this eyeliner!
Kim: I feel so straight!
Sequioa: I’m such a straight! [everyone laughs]
Kim: [sighs] And then Harry helps him wrap it.
Sequoia: Oh, no. Here’s the thing. Ron, eyeliner’s just really hard to wrap. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Anything tube shaped.
Colin: Anything round.
Sequoia: Any… yeah, anything that’s like, small. Well. [all laugh] Oh, man. Thank you for that. [laughs]
Colin: Thank you for sharing. Thank you so much for sharing that.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Okay!
Kim: [laughs] You know, sometimes I just read these things and I’m like, wow, is that really how we were back then? And the answer is YES.
Colin: It totally was, yes.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: Consuming any media from that time period…
Colin: Argh!
Kim: ...you’re going to…
Sequioa: Yeah.
Kim: ...come across...
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: ...some, like, wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
Colin: Wowzers.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Did we really say that about gay people?
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. I do… all the time, I’m just like silently in my room, like, reading fanfiction by myself. And I will, out loud just go WOW! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Usually a YIKES from me.
Sequoia: All the time. Yeah. That’s gonna be a hard yikes from me, dude. [everyone laughs] All right, excellent. Now it’s time for…
Sequoia & Kim: ...THE REC ZONE! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Colin: Whoa. Whoa. WHOA! [Sequoia laughs loudly] Oh, you guys are used to that, ‘cause you’re always transported to the rec zone. [Kim and Sequoia laughing] But listener, it’s terrifying here! [Sequoia and Kim keep laughing]
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: I’ve been trans… I’m not in the spare bedroom any more.
Kim: There’s a lot of Ron/Hermione in here.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Colin: It’s horrifying.
Sequoia: Lots of Dramione, too.
Kim: Whoops! Whoops, whoops, whoops.
Sequoia: Pew, pew, pew.
Kim: Do you have something for us today?
Sequoia: I do. I do have a rec for you today. It’s called Christmas at the Crossroads and it is… it is just a short little fanfic about a tradition that the Hufflepuffs do. So it’s all your favorite Hufflepuffs doing some Christmas crackers.
Kim: Doing some Christmas dark magic at the crossroads?
Sequoia: [laughs] No!
Colin: [laughs] Wizard Satan!
Sequoia: No. They’re doing those… you know, the…
Kim: Blood magic. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: The Christmas cracker things. Like, the British ones, you pull ‘em apart and there’s like a thing inside.
Colin: Uh huh.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They’re doing those. That’s like their little tradition. And talking about how the war is really scary but they’re gonna get through it, and then they’re all gonna get together next Christmas.
Colin: So nice.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And it’s very nice! Yeah, dude! What the fuck? [laughs]
Colin: Well, you did mention a crossroads.
Kim: Yeah. Crossroads.
Sequoia: The crossroads is like, oh, the crossroads of life.
Kim: It’s where you meet the de…
Sequoia: Where the… wherein the… where the war is happening.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: Come on, dude! [laughs]
Kim: Whatever. I have a rec for us, too. Mine’s called Mind Games and it is some very cute Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: Aww, yay!
Kim: They’re celebrating Christmas together, and it’s just very cute and very sweet.
Sequoia: I love Ron/Hermione.
Kim: I know. Merry Christmas.
Sequoia: Thank you. [Kim and Colin laugh] Yeah. I got you some Hufflepuffs!
Kim: Yeah, thank you.
Sequoia: Zacharias Smith is in this.
Kim: Noice. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] is he being an asshole?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Boring.
Sequoia: Well, a little bit.
Kim: Nice! [Sequoia and Kim laugh, then sigh] Okay, cool. The link to those will be in the description of this episode, as well as on our website!
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com. You can also find our story submission form. There’s like four hundred stories that have submitted… submitted to us. We’re drowning, it’s fine, and we love them. Keep sending them.
Kim: I pulled up… I… I sorted out just the ones that are like sub five thousand words sent specifically to me, and that list is also terrifyingly long. Sooooo… [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Terrifyingly full of squids. [general laughter]
Kim: Also that. I’m chugging though it, though.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I found some… I mean, I‘ve read a couple off of that, so…
Sequoia: Yeah, and I’ve been reading from the… a lot from the list lately, too, so…
Kim: We’re getting some really good shit.
Sequoia: Yeah. Keep sending it to us. If you want some merch, we’ve got some merch on our website, as well as on our TeePublic. There are a lot more designs and cool things for you there.
Kim: But the website stu… our website’s stuff, shipping is free.
Sequoia: Shipping is free.
Kim: Just keep saying that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And some day we’ll get rid of those posters.
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim and Colin laugh] Please buy the posters.
Kim: You can find us on social media. We are on…
Sequoia: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, @Fanaticalfics.
Kim: You can also email us your longer thoughts, hold for the end please submissions, and trick your friends submissions.
Sequoia: Trick Your Friends twenty…
Sequoia & Kim: Twenty?!
Colin: Oooh, sequel! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It’s a good sequel.
Kim: Maybe we’ll come up with a new name.
Sequoia: Maybe we will, maybe we won’t.
Kim: We’ll see. We’ll workshop and stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: We’ll see. Email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you’d like to help out this podcast, there are a couple ways you can do that.
Kim: Leave us a review on iTunes, or Facebook. It’s not called iTunes any more.
Sequoia: It’s called Apple Podcasts. And then… [laughs]
Colin: I’m never gonna… never gonna call it that.
Sequoia: It’s fucking the same shit, whatever.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Never gonna call it that!
Kim: We’ll shout you out at the beginning of an episode.
Sequoia: Make sure… tell your friends. Say you know what? Merry Christmas. I got you…
Kim: This weird shit.
Sequoia: ...this podcast. [laughs loudly]
Colin: I dow… I took your phone, and I downloaded a podcast onto it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Sequoia & Kim: Exactly.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And if you have the Trick Your Friends 2019 campaign kit.
Kim: It comes with…
Sequoia: It comes with written permission for you to do that. [laughs]
Kim: Exactly. You can also support us by joining our Patreon.
Sequoia: Yeah. We are starting the book club in a matter of days.
Kim: Sure.
Colin: [quietly] So exciting!
Sequoia: So come read the Harry Potter books with us. It will be fun.
Kim: Exactly. It will be fun.
Colin: Exciting, exciting, as always, listener. Actually, this Christmas, listener, you don’t have to support me. I’m gonna support you, so…
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Colin: Christmas morning, look for a roughly man shaped package under your tree. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [nervously] Yes?
Colin: And I will be in there. [whispering into the mic] Merry Christmas. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Do you have anything else you want to plug, Colin?
Colin: [very quickly] Yeah, you can also listen to my podcast, Remedial Sex Ed, wherever pods are cast. Like and subscribe. Smash that like button. Dab on the haters. [Kim and Sequoia laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Thank you, Col…
Kim: Thank you so much for coming on, Colin.
Colin: Thank you for having me. I…
Kim: It’s always a good time to have you around.
Colin: Yeah, it’s always really fun. Thanks for having me. It’s good.
Kim: We’ll have you back soon.
Sequoia: Good time.
Kim: Or else.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, Colinheads, look out for our next Colin…
Kim: Holiday Colin special.
Sequoia: Holiday Colin Special. [Colin laughs] They’re not even just called holiday specials any more. They’re called holiday Colin specials.
Kim: Colin specials.
Sequoia: They’re just called Colin specials. [everyone laughs] Ah! That’s really stupid! Shouts to the Whomping Willows for our theme song. It’s their awesome song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia & Kim: [loudly and discordantly] Byyyyeeeeeee!
Colin: Bye.
Sequoia: Oh, oh, oh!
Colin: Ohhh!
Kim: Ho! Ho!
Colin: Santa?
Sequoia: Wizard Jesus?
Colin: Is that Wizard Jesus? Is that you? [Sequoia laughs loudly]
Kim: [singing] Wizard Jesus is below the tree. [more laughter]
Colin: [singing] Gotta let him out. He’s got to pee. [laughter, which eventually fades out]