Episode 62: Beauty of Love
We’re back with another EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING and a whole two minutes of crying in the middle there….
True Love's Second Kiss:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13439222/1/True-Love-s-Second-Kiss
Recommendation: Think We’d All Like to Know
https://archiveofourown.org/works/3061811
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Shelby
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Hey, everybody. Before we get started today, we had a little bit of a…
Kim: Explicit content warning. Whoops!
Sequoia: [laughs] She's back. She did it again.
Kim: This isn’t as bad. Man, as we've been kind of going back and listening to some of those old episodes, and wow, did I use to hit the word cock hard. [both laugh]
Both: Cock hard. [both laugh]
Kim: This one’s not quite that bad.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: But now there is some explicit content in this, so if you're uncomfortable with that, go ahead and skip it.
Sequoia: And now on to the show.
Kim: Oh man, I just licked the pop filter. [both laugh] Just licked it. Right on the filter.
Sequoia: Hey, so I've been listening back, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And speaking of you licking the pop filter, there's this cold open that we did a long time, and I seriously… I was… I started crying.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: You're like… you licked the pop filter or something like that, or the microphone.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And then you're like, oh, I guess I'll just make out with it, and then you're… and then you literally said, I’ll make out with whatever's in front of me. [both laugh] And I cannot believe we turned on the thing and you licked your pop filter! [laughs]
Kim: I didn’t lick it on purpose just now. [Sequoia laughs] Look, I've grown a lot as a podcaster. My pop filter is no longer, like, getting to second base with me on a regular basis. This is more of a one off, first base with the pop filter. [Sequoia still laughing]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Welcome to the fam, everybody. Here we are. We love Harry Potter fanfiction, and Jesus… will not stop giggling about whatever the fuck you're gonna read me today, and I'm very excited about it.
Kim: [laughs] I was sobbing when I was reading it.
Sequoia: I'm very excited. We've got some stuff to get to first.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. But we will get into it.
Kim: So we went to my ten year high school reunion recently. I brought Sequoia with me, even though you did not go to high school with me.
Sequoia: I did not.
Kim: Because we thought it would be funny to do a bit where we pretended like Sequoia went to high school with us.
Sequoia: Because our whole life’s a bit.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] We’re actually pretty unbearable to hang out with. But no one showed up at the high school reunion but people that are in our friend group. So…
Sequoia: So then…
Kim: …it wasn't a funny thing because everyone was in on it.
Sequoia: Was in on the bit.
Kim: But while we were there [both laugh] we stopped by the old drama room, and they had posted the cast list for their spring play, and those fuckers are doing Puffs! And for some reason, my name was not on the cast list! [Sequoia laughs] Those motherfuckers. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I fucking can't believe they're doing Puffs. We're going.
Kim: I’m… yes.
Sequoia: We're going.
Kim: Yes, I am going to go watch those high schoolers do that play, and it's only going to be kind of weird. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You went to high school there. I didn't even go to high school there. Damn.
Kim: Shit. Yeah, it’s gonna be a little weird. I'm very excited about it, but I am mad that they get to do that.
Sequoia: I know. Me too.
Kim: Man.
Sequoia: Lucky ducks.
Kim: We didn't get to do anything cool like that when I was in high school.
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t want to talk… [both laugh]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: All right, well, a couple of announcementy type things. Just a reminder, we are starting the Harry Potter book club in our Patreon Discord in January.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So we have that limited time tier on Patreon, that's just $4 for access to the Discord.
Kim: Go check that out, if you want to jump in on that.
Sequoia: Go check it out. I'm so excited to start reading Harry Potter ‘cause what happened in the books? Here we go.
Kim: Yikes, man.
Sequoia: Also, so…
Kim: Whoo! This announcement got us. I was so jazzed when I saw this.
Sequoia: Yeah, you saw… you saw it fucking immediately and I'm the one who's always on social media. I was very confused.
Kim: I was looking at Twitter on the toilet at work.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. Good, good, good. [Kim laughs] But yeah, Kim sent me just like an all caps fuckin’ text message that was like LEAKYCON’S GOING TO DENVER!
Kim: I'm certainly… Denver is close enough that…
Both: …we can drive.
Kim: And it's only like eight hours.
Sequoia: Yeah, which is so good, West Coast, USA time.
Kim: Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m so stoked.
Kim: Yeah, so as soon as… like, there are very few places that we would have gone to a second LeakyCon at.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Because we're already gonna go to Orlando.
Sequoia: For sure.
Kim: Denver is one of them.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Here we go.
Sequoia: Here we go. We're going to both.
Kim: So if you want to see us next year we're going to be at those two conventions.
Sequoia: Yep, hopefully we'll be doing some weird ass shit.
Kim: Ass shit.
Sequoia: Yep. [both laugh] Exactly how I thought that would go.
Kim: So stay tuned to our social media for announcements about that. We'll be getting that set at some point next year.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don’t know. We're trying to brainstorm some programming right now.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah. Whoo!
Kim: So we'll see what happens.
Sequoia: We just…
Kim: One last little announcement.
Sequoia: Yeah, just in case that you, like, want to send us a Christmas card or something.
Kim: Our address is changing, it'll be up on our website. So…
Sequoia: Yep, it's just yeah, on our contact…
Kim: If you… if you want us to mail or something just check our website and…
Sequoia: New address.
Kim: It's there.
Sequoia: All right, we've also got a couple of folks to talk about. [laughs]
Kim: Amazing things that have happened. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: Wow. There's just, like… the thoughts of sequels have been in the air.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's in the air. Sequels.
Kim: Yeah. We… we… we put it out. We talked about hold for the end, please and people are actually just…
Both: …writing sequels.
Sequoia: Which is amazing.
Kim: Ooohhhh. I have chills.
Sequoia: We got a sequel to True Love's First Kiss called True Love’s Second Kiss.
Kim: It did make me cry.
Sequoia: It made me cry.
Kim: Because I was laughing.
Sequoia: It was so fucking hilarious.
Kim: So funny, so good. And…
Sequoia: We're hoping we'll get to share that with you at some point.
Kim: Yeah. Yesssss.
Sequoia: We also… there's a sequel to Pinhead Percy in the works that was inspired by a display sign at a Trader Joe's, and I am SO IN.
Kim: [laughs] Very excited for that, too.
Sequoia: Jeez.
Kim: Yesssss.
Sequoia: You know what? You guys got any sequels that you got to get off your chest, write ‘em, send ‘em in. I'm so excited. I love them.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also let us know if you want us to post them somewhere. If you’re okay with that.
Sequoia: Yes, this goes for everything right now. Fan art, sequels, what… anything you write based off shit that we said in the fuckin’ podcast.
Kim: Yeah. We've… you… you don't have to give us permission to share it, but if you do want us to share it…
Sequoia: Yeah, just like, email us links and stuff.
Kim: …let us know in the email.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So that we can put it somewhere.
Sequoia: Because we want to share all of your beautiful, wonderful, hilarious work with everyone. [laughs]
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: We love it so much that we want to share with the world.
Kim: Yeeesssss.
Sequoia: So let's get to some reviews.
Kim: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: Shall we? I'll start us out today.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Shout out to Dominic, who says we find some bizarre and hilarious fics, and I'd like to go ahead and add a couple things to that list of descriptors.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Disturbing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Frighteningly inaccurate.
Kim: [laughs] Sure.
Sequoia: Outright disgusting. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I've seen some shit, man.
Sequoia: I’ve seen some stuff.
Kim: Am I doing this next one?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Shout out to…
Sequoia: Oh no. [laughs]
Kim: …[saying each letter separately] asftebfkvonebjshwvajhsnf.
Sequoia: We're back. [laughs]
Kim: I hate this. I hate this bit. This bit is a bad bit.
Sequoia: It’s not a good bit.
Kim: This person says that they've always wanted to spend more time reading fanfic but never had the time, and now they get it read to them by us, whether they want it or not.
Sequoia: Hiiii!
Kim: We're here for you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shout out to Elfie 878787. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Who says they usually fall asleep while enjoying an audiobook or a podcast, but this podcast keep them awake with all the laughing, and I've got to say, this is a terrible podcast to listen to before you go to bed. You will have some fucked up dreams. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, I would not recommend that. Wow. Shout out to… fuckin’ again, man. [attempts to pronounce as one word] Eiivigiroroqoaifit.
Sequoia: Oh, we're just sounding them out now.
Kim: I… I thought this one… that last one was just like a lot of, like, consonants.
Sequoia: But this one seems like it might be something.
Kim: Maybe?
Sequoia: Okay. Got you. Got you.
Kim: This person threatens that you'll pee your pants while you listen to our podcast.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: I don't know about you Sequoia, but I did… didn't really need that put on me. [Sequoia laughs] I didn’t want that.
Sequoia: I don’t need to be responsible for that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Shout out to COLIN CREEVY 4 LIFE, which is in all caps, I'd like to point out.
Kim: Yeah, obviously.
Sequoia: Who says this is one of the funniest and most unscripted podcasts ever. And I hate to break it to you, but this shout out was pre-scripted. [both laugh]
Kim: We found that these were too much of a disaster if we didn't write them in advance.
Sequoia: If we did not do that. But thank you very much, everyone, for your reviews. We love them, we love to see them coming in.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: And keep ‘em coming.
Kim: We'll get to them eventually.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: We sure do like you. Let's get to the thing.
Sequoia: Oh shit. Okay, I'm so excited to see what you just been fucking giggling about for the past, like, whatever hours. [Kim giggles] Here we go. Bring it on. Oh, no. I don't like that.
Kim: All right, make some predictions. Make three predictions. Tweet them at us.
Both: #FanficDivination.
Sequoia: Do @ us.
Kim: Post them in the discord if you are a patron, for a story titled Beauty of Love. [laughing] Genre is romance/tragedy. [Sequoia begins to whimper] And this sucker came out between Order of the Phoenix and Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: No! NO. Oh my god! Fuck!
Kim: And also, this is a listener submission.
Sequoia: Oh shit! Oh shit! [both laugh] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I’m gonna need you to repeat…
Kim: All of that?
Sequoia: …the title. ‘Cause I am dying.
Kim: You got stuck on the genre.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: The title is Beauty of Love.
Sequoia: Fuckin’ shit. [laughs]
Kim: [strained from laughter] Romance and tragedy.
Sequoia: Romance and tragedy.
Kim: Came out in 2004.
Sequoia: Oh fuck, okay, Beauty of Love. Okay, 2004. Oh, okay.
Kim: I'm so excited. I'm crying just a little bit already because I'm so excited.
Sequoia: All right, I'm gonna guess that in this story, Sirius Black is brought back to life.
Kim: [quietly] Yessssssssss.
Sequoia: I'm going to guess that in this story… um, let's see. Oh, who should I pick to die?
Kim: [laughs] You know it's not necessar…
Sequoia: IT’S A TRAGEDY! [both cackle] I'm gonna pick Hermione. I think…
Kim: You think…
Both: …Hermione's gonna die.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay, um, and I think that I'm gonna guess that Draco Malfoy will hold someone as they're dying.
Kim: [laughing] Pffffffff. Thank you. Very good. [both laugh] Okay.
Sequoia: Whoo! Oh man, what the fuck are we doing today, dude?
Kim: All right, so get your predictions in. And now that you've made your predictions, I did actually kind of want to talk about something before we jump into this.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We often on this podcast read romance that was clearly written by a child.
Sequoia: Right, yes.
Kim: And I just wanted to say that I… part of the reason why I love that kind of thing so much is that I find it incredibly relatable.
Sequoia: [pause] Okay.
Kim: Like, being a child and not knowing how adult romances work and trying to figure it out, you know?
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying. For sure.
Kim: And, like, not understanding it and just, like, writing what you think romance is.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah.
Kim: I think that's the funniest shit because we've all been there.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is the same stuff we get into, like, Hawaiian Fantasy.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: That is a quintessential how does adult romance work scenario.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: This is one of those.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And I just wanted to say that up here at the front, because it's not that we're making fun of children. [Sequoia laughs] It is, but…
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, yeah, but it’s just like…
Kim: Yeah, it's because we've all been there.
Sequoia: Yeah, how does… I mean…
Kim: It’s so funny. You… you… you kiss…
Sequoia: How does adult romance work? [laughs]
Kim: When you kiss, your mouths start completely shut, and you just bonk those closed mouths together until one of you sticks your tongue out and licks the other's face.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: That’s how kissing works, right? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, you get engaged after, like, one to two days.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ‘Cause they… because you know that you're in love because your tongues touched each other. Tongues.
Kim: Speaking of Hawaiian Fantasy, I did say this is a listener submission. The listener sent this in as a response…
Both: …to Hawaiian Fantasy.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Niiiice. Solid.
Kim: This is in response. One of the pairings in that led them to this.
Sequoia: Oh, shit. Oh, no! One of those fucking crazy ones at the end? Oh, goddamn!
Kim: [laughs] So, all of that having been said…
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, god! Oh, goddammit.
Kim: Are you ready? I'm so excited. I love this child.
Sequoia: Oh, let’s fuckin’ go.
Kim: This child. This child is brilliant.
Sequoia: Yes! I'm ready.
Kim: Okay. [long pause] Narcissa Black…
Sequoia: [quietly] Yes.
Kim: …was preparing for her date with Severus Snape.
Sequoia: Yep, here we fucking go! Okay, fine! [both laugh] Goddammit, I was never gonna get here.
Kim: No, you were not.
Sequoia: Shit.
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man. She was wearing a blue dress and black shoes.
Sequoia: Cool? [both laugh]
Kim: She looked very beautiful tonight.
Sequoia: Of course she did.
Kim: She was… well, I mean Narcissa’s always hot. The Black sisters: hot.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s canon. Yep. [laughs]
Kim: She was excited and nervous. Although she had been on dates with Severus many times before, she…
Sequoia: Ooooh, this has gotta be… this is a special date.
Kim: This is an established relationship. Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: She had a feeling that something new would happen tonight.
Sequoia: Oh, no. Fuckin’ are we d… I just… I just fuckin’ talked about engagements! Goddamnit! Goddamnit.
Kim: Something that would make her relationship with Severus deeper. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. There's several ways this could go.
Kim: [laughing] I love this story.
Sequoia: And I’m mad about all of them.
Kim: Narcissa had fallen in love with Severus at first sight.
Sequoia: No. [both laugh]
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: Dude!
Kim: Narcissa is… there's no way ever.
Sequoia: She’s, urgh, out of his league, man. [laughs]
Kim: So far out of his league. He had been bullied by the Marauders, and Narcissa had felt sorry for that cute little boy that no one liked. [pause] That’s some weird characterization for Narcissa.
Sequoia: That’s… you know, that’s, yeah. We're… how old… does this work?
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: In what sense? Oh do you mean like age wise?
Sequoia: Just, like, how, how old is she?
Kim: She… isn't she younger than the Marauders?
Sequoia: I think so.
Kim: I think, yeah, she's a little bit younger than them. In this story they're in the same year. So. I mean, I don't think we knew at the time how old she was.
Sequoia: Right, we didn’t.
Kim: But… [laughs]
Sequoia: I knew I loved him right away, that poor, sad, little boy.
Kim: I mean like, yeah, more like… like, character wise, Narcissa… right?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Come on.
Sequoia: Not rich enough.
Kim: So they became friends, or lovers…
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: There’s a dot dot dot.
Sequoia: No. [both laugh]
Kim: Sirius didn't like Severus at all, and he tried to prevent Narcissa from seeing him.
Sequoia: What? They’re not on good terms.
Kim: They're cousins.
Sequoia: Yeah, but, like, why does Sirius give a shit what she's doing?
Kim: [mumbling] Fuckin’ I don't know!
Sequioa: Cool.
Kim: But Narcissa was much more stubborn than Sirius had expected. She continued seeing Severus, even though Sirius tried to explain how disgusting Severus was.
Sequoia: He just like walks out, he's like…
Kim: He’s like, look at this piece of shit.
Sequoia: Did you… did you see his hair?
Kim: Did you see him?
Sequoia: Have you seen his…
Kim: Yuuuuuuck!
Sequoia: Greeeasy… ness? [both laugh] I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck he’s…
Kim: What Sirius would be complaining about?
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Sirius is just complaining.
Sequoia: Because, like, all the shit that's gross about Severus is that he's a terrible person, and Narcissa… she's doing whatever she’s doin’.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm. She's kind of a terrible person.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] The other Blacks were also against Narcissa and Severus’s love. They were planning to wed Narcissa and the young gentleman Lucius Malfoy.
Sequoia: [hoity toity voice] The young gentleman! [laughs]
Kim: The young gentleman! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’m just imagining Lucius Malfoy with, like, a top hat [Kim bursts out laughing] and a monocle.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, a really tiny cup of tea.
Kim: Is that not how he looks? That’s how he looks.
Sequoia: Hello! I'm Lucius Malfoy, the young gentleman.
Kim: They were planning to wed Narcissa and the young gentleman Lucius Malfoy. [both laugh] Malfoy.
Sequoia: Stop calling him that!
Kim: I gotta read the sentence again to get the context.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Because the Black family and the Malfoy family had a union.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You know, a union.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: I don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: This is your… this is your classic arranged marriage.
Kim: And the marriage would be a symbol of that union.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s a business union? It's not clear.
Sequoia: It's business union.
Kim: Okay fine, what business? They don’t do business!
Sequoia: Aren’t they just like a bunch of rich people? [laughs] Who knows what they do?
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: All those people are just, like, inexplicably wealthy, so who knows what they're up to.
Kim: They are. How does the wizard economy work? However, they had a problem. Lucius didn't love Narcissa, and Narcissa didn't love Lucius. Dun dun dun.
Sequoia: Whaaaaaat? Their arranged marriage. Loveless?
Kim: Oh, no! A loveless arranged marriage between the Malfoys.
Sequoia: Ohhh. Yeah!
Kim: That's not in every fanfic. [both laugh] Hilarious. Narcissa and Severus were eighteen years old now, and they were in the seventh grade at Hogwarts. [both laugh] I think this is when I started crying.
Sequoia: They were though! There's seven grades.
Kim: [laughing] They're in seventh grade.
Sequoia: They’re in seventh grade.
Kim: I think the author's in seventh grade. [both laugh] I love them.
Sequoia: That's why they had to specify that they're eighteen.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Because seventh grade in the wizarding world is when you're eighteen.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And not when you're twelve. [both laugh]
Kim: They were happy together, and Sirius had noticed that. Although he didn't like to see Severus and Narcissa together, he had to admit that he couldn't be a child forever.
Sequoia: Sirius couldn’t be a child forever?
Kim: Sirius is admitting to himself that he's being childish.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Unlikely.
Sequoia: That's not happening.
Kim: That’s not a thing. [Sequoia laughs] He would never do that.
Sequoia: He would never do that!
Kim: Narcissa had seen the change in Sirius and had become friendlier towards her cousin. He's in… he's fine with it now for some reason.
Sequoia: Because they're adults now?
Kim: Because they're adults and they're happy.
Sequoia: And there’s nothing he can do about it?
Kim: And he’s like, oh, I guess they're adults and they're happy. I guess I'll be happy for them. That’s a… [blows a raspberry] Sirius.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s not what’s happening.
Kim: Come on, Sirius would never.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no. Also, why would he befriend her at all in the first place?
Kim: They're cousins!
Sequoia: And he's… his family…
Kim: Yeah, I know. Severus was standing at the steps that led to the Astronomy Tower. It was the place that they would meet each other that night.
Sequoia: Oh, they're still in school in this fanfiction.
Kim: They're in seventh grade. It said just now.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, gotcha. I thought we were like looking back upon the mem…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: They're in seventh grade.
Sequoia: They're in seventh grade, gotcha.
Kim: Right now.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: It was eight pm and he was waiting for his girlfriend impatiently. When she came there Severus smiled. [nasal, monotone voice, used for Snape throughout] “Hello Narcissa. You look beautiful,” he said.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. Oh, god! [laughs]
Kim: What? What?
Sequoia: Oh, this is just gonna happen the whole time and I'm gonna have to deal with it the whole time and I'm just fine.
Kim: Yeah. You ready for Narcissa voice?
Sequoia: Oh, great.
Kim: [high drawling voice, used for Narcissa throughout] “Thank you.”
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughs]
Kim: “And you look very handsome.”
Sequoia: It’s lady Draco voice!
Kim: Got ‘em!
Sequoia: Nice, nice, nice, nice.
Kim: Replied Narcissa as she smiled. Severus blushed. “Could we go now?” he asked.
Sequoia: [mumbling] Fuck this. [laughs]
Kim: What? Let me do my bad, bad voices! [Sequoia laughs] They don't ruin an otherwise hilarious fanfiction. I mean, good fanfiction
Sequoia: Oh, man. I mean, what?
Kim: You let me do a fanfiction entirely in Lily voice.
Sequoia: Oh, I didn't let you do jack shit, my dude!
Kim: [giggles] That was gonna happen no matter what.
Sequoia: Great. Okay. They're… they're meeting each other on a date.
Kim: They're on a date.
Sequoia: They’re on a date. ‘Kay.
Kim: At the Astronomy Tower.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Where everyone goes to make out all the time.
Sequoia: Yep. A hundred percent.
Kim: “Yes,” replied Narcissa. “Follow me,” said Severus and started to walk upstairs toward the Astronomy Tower. It was the weekend so no one had lessons there. But it was a make out session. Make out point. Make out point! Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Does it… does it… are you really... is that…
Kim: None of that was in there, fine.
Sequoia: Make out point!
Kim: It is!
Sequoia: It's gotta be.
Kim: When they got to the Astronomy Tower, Narcissa gasped. There were…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …roses and narcissi everywhere, and candles made a romantic spirit.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: There's flowers and candles.
Sequoia: Oh, no. Is this…?
Kim: “How romantic, Severus.”
Sequoia: Are they?
Kim: Sorry. [clears throat] [Narcissa voice] “How romantic, Severus! How beautiful!” Narcissa gasped. “You haven’t seen…”
Sequoia: Wow, that’s awful.
Kim: Thank you. “You haven't seen everything yet.”
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: Do you want to eat something?” Severus asked. ”Yes, please,” replied Narcissa. They were brought a huge plate.
Sequoia: By whom?
Kim: Great question.
Sequoia: [laughing] Wait, wait, wait.
Kim: Great. Great question. By whom?
Sequoia: [still laughing] By whom?
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: It's a house elf.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: More than likely.
Kim: Almost definitely. They were brought a huge plate of spaghetti with meatballs. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Are they going to Lady and the Tramp it? [pause] Fucking, yeah, dude! Also… [both laugh] also… [both laugh helplessly] also… also, wait, a lot of things happening in my brain right now.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah. I’m crying. I’m crying because I have to read this next little bit to you.
Sequoia: Great. Of course a house elf is bringing them their meatballs and spaghetti because there's literally no one lower on the totem pole than Snape…
Kim: [laughs] Yes.
Sequoia: …for him to boss around.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Two…
Kim: [coughs] The tears, they won’t stop.
Sequoia: …how big is this plate of spaghetti and meatballs?
Kim: It’s really big.
Sequoia: I feel like…
Kim: It’s huge.
Sequoia: I feel like it’s…[laughs] just like twelve foot by twelve foot.
Kim: [weakly] It’s really big. It's a lot of spaghetti.
Sequoia: The world's largest spaghetti and meatballs.
Kim: It’s got two meatballs. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Whoo! Okay.
Kim: Huge plate. Oh, god. [both control their laughter] They were brought a huge plate of spaghetti with meatballs, and a bottle of wine.
Sequoia: Wine?
Kim: It's fancy. They're really fancy. They started to eat their food. They didn't notice that they took the same piece of spaghetti. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, you got to keep going. You gotta keep going. You need to get through it.
Kim: I have tears. I have tears rolling down my face.
Sequoia: Take the glasses off, it's time.
Kim: When they ate it enough…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …their lips touched…
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: …and they kissed.
Sequoia: Yep. [both laugh]
Kim: [still laughing] This is what adult romance is!
Sequoia: Oh, man. This is better than I ever could have predicted, or imagined.
Kim: I wish I could stop crying.
Sequoia: I like how it says, when they ate enough.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Their lips touched, and they kissed. [Kim chokes] You just be like, well, we've had enough pasta now, let's make out. But what we know is happening.
Kim: They took the same piece.
Sequoia: They took the same piece. [Kim still crying] Oh, wow. Wow, oh, wow. Of every animated movie to pick things from.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Someone really loves Lady and the Tramp, like, a lot.
Kim: Yes. Yes! Oh! Okay I've stopped crying a little bit.
Sequoia: Hey, I… well, I have a quick question.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I'm convinced that like there's only, like, four people in the world who have ever actually watched the entirety of Lady and the Tramp. We just all know… think about it. Have you ever seen Lady and the Tramp?
Kim: Uhhh.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Parts of it.
Sequoia: Everyone just knows this scene from Lady and the Tramp, but I…
Kim: Isn't Lady and the Tramp the one with the really offensive Siamese cat bit?
Sequoia: [long pause] Is it?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Tweet at us.
Kim: If you’ve watched Lady and the Tramp?
Sequoia: If you’ve watched the entirety of Lady and the Tramp.
Kim: Isn’t there a new… they’re doing a… like a…
Sequoia: There was already a new one.
Kim: Oh, okay. I have no idea what’s happening.
Sequoia: Old news. [laughs]
Kim: Okay, let's continue. Did they have that scene in it? They gotta.
Sequoia: I don’t… they gotta. They can’t… you can't do it without the scene.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s the only thing anyone knows about Lady and the Tramp.
Kim: When they stopped kissing, they looked at each other.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: At least they kissed with their eyes closed probably.
Sequoia: They were looking not at each other but their eyes were open. [laughs]
Kim: Fine. “I love you, Cissa.”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: Severus whispered softly. “I love you too, Sev,” replied Narcissa.
Sequoia: Disgusting.
Kim: Yeah. She loved the way Severus called her Cissa.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: And Severus loved the way Narcissa called him Sev.
Sequoia: Nicknames are the ultimate, like, terms of affection.
Kim: I mean, I call you by a nickname and it's… shit, fuck, I didn’t have anything.
Sequoia: You didn’t have a bit?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I do have a nickname though.
Kim: Sequetzequatl?
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh quietly] Haven’t we already had a shouting time about how nicknames can’t be longer than names?
Kim: Your nickname’s Sequetzequatl. I don't know what to say.
Sequoia: Goddamnit.
Kim: Narcissa took a glass of wine. When she drank it, she felt something hard go into her mouth. [Sequoia squeals] [Kim laughs] She took the hard object from her mouth. [Sequoia laughing] And it was a tooth. No, that's not true.
Sequoia: Nope, it was a ring.
Kim: It was a golden ring…
Sequoia: No! You don't put…
Kim: …that had a huge green emerald in it.
Sequoia: You don't put a ring in wine! You put it in champagne!
Kim: You don't put it in either because it's a choking hazard!
Sequoia: And also it’s a choking hazard. But if you're doing the thing that people do it's champagne, because you can see through the champagne.
Kim: I mean, it might be white wine.
Sequoia: It might be white wine. That’s fine.
Kim: It's not. It’s not white wine.
Sequoia: It's totally not white. Also, who drinks white wine with red meat and pasta? That's fine.
Kim: She just… no. Also, how do you drink wine in such a way that you don't notice that there's a ring rattling around in the bottom of it? Did she just chug that wine?
Sequoia: Oh jeez, she shot it? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! That's the only way I can imagine not noticing there's a ring rattling around in there.
Sequoia: Don’t put a ring in the wine!
Kim: Shooting it and then it goes down your throat you choke and you die. Choking hazard!
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, great. The ring was in wine.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: It's got an emerald thing and it’s a Slytherin so…
Kim: Huge green emerald.
Sequoia: …everything’s green, yeah.
Kim: Yeah. Narcissa stared at Severus. “What is this?” she asked.
Sequoia: Oh, shut up! Come on!
Kim: Shit. Severus kneeled in front of her and took her hand.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: “Narcissa Black, will you… will you marry me?” he asked.
Sequoia: Where's the tragedy? [both laugh]
Kim: It’s coming! Narcissa… we got to get through the romance first.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. It’s romance then tragedy.
Kim: It’s romance slash tragedy.
Sequoia: No, it’s romance…
Kim: Yeah, it's not tragedy slash romance.
Sequoia: It's romance then tragedy. It's not slash, it's then. [both laugh]
Kim: Narcissa stared at him. Was this true? Had Severus just proposed to her?
Sequoia: Or had he tried to kill me with this ring in the bottom of my glass? [both laugh] It’s either a proposal, or attempted murder.
Kim: Narcissa didn't know what to think, but she said, “Yes, Severus, I will marry you.”
Sequoia: She didn't know what to think, but she…
Kim: Said yes.
Sequoia: …said yes. Cool.
Kim: That's… I feel like that happened in Hawaiian Fantasy too, didn't it?
Sequoia: Or just, like, well, I don't know. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: Because I feel like this is another thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Is like when you're a kid, you think that all proposals come out of left field.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: As opposed to being, like, two adults talked about how maybe they'd like to spend the rest of their lives together, and then this is not really a leap.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Kids are just like, man, that just fucking happens!
Kim: It just happens! You never know. You could be proposed to at any moment! [Sequoia laughs] I’m doing a visual bit.
Sequoia: Oh, there’s a visual bit. There were some good shifty eyes.
Kim: Severus smiled. “You’ve made me so happy,” he said.
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: Is my Severus voice good?
Sequoia: It’s so good.
Kim: “And youve made me so happy! Oh, Severus!” said Narcissa…
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: …and hugged Severus. When she stopped hugging him, Severus put the ring gently on her finger. “Come, let's go to the balcony,” he said.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They went to the balcony. The evening was beautiful. The full moon was shining, and stars were twinkling.
Sequoia: And then she pushed him off the balcony. Tragedy. [laughs]
Kim: Tragedy. No! We're not there yet!
Sequoia: Okay, fine!
Kim: They could even see planet Venus. Narcissa…
Sequoia: Great! [laughs]
Kim: They're looking at the stars! Let them have a romatic star gazing moment!
Sequoia: Gotcha. No, that’s fine. It’s fine!
Kim: Narcissa saw a falling star. She closed her eyes…
Sequoia: A falling star? [laughs] Sorry.
Kim: Yes. She closed her eyes and wished in her mind, “I wish I could be with Severus forever!” Dun dun dun. Foreshadowing.
Sequoia: Oh, she made a wish.
Kim: Yeah. Suddenly music started to play.
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: “Let's dance,” whispered Severus. And they danced.
Sequoia: [laughs] And they did.
Kim: It was like flying. They enjoyed it so much that they didn't even realize how much…
Sequoia: That they'd fallen off the balcony. [laughs]
Kim: Tragedy. NO!
Sequoia: Sorry, I can’t stop. [still laughing]
Kim: No, you gotta… you've got to stay with me for this next bit, because I love it so much.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: They didn't even realize how much time they spent dancing. They danced for several hours until it was midnight.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: They danced from eight thirty to midnight.
Sequoia: Until midnight.
Kim: Then they had their last dance. It was slow. They came so close to each other that their bodies touched.
Sequoia: [high pitched] Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: I love this so much.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: [singing] I love so much it! I love it! I love it SO MUCH! [Sequoia laughs] You know what romance is, Sequoia? I'm pretty sure it's slow dancing while not leaving enough room for the holy spirit.
Sequoia: Right. Exactly.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I think falling in love is slow dancing. And then, like, romance is when your bodies that touch while you're dancing.
Kim: Uh huh. Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: Were they not touching at all? [starts laughing] Not making eye contact?
Kim: Not the right… they were… they were… they were doing the… the… the slow dance that you do in seventh grade where you're like as far away from each other as possible…
Sequoia: Far… you’re like, hands on… hands on the shoulders. Hands on the shoulders scenar… and just sort of wiggling around.
Kim: And just kind of… [makes a sound like a creaky chair]
Sequoia: Yeah, I was imagining more that they were not touching each other at all, they were just standing arms down to their sides, sort of like…
Kim: Oh, just kind of like boop be doop, boop, boop, boop, bedobedo, boop, be doop, doop.
Sequoia: We’re dancing together ‘cause we're both in this space, dancing.
Kim: Sure. Well, that last one they were close.
Sequoia: Their bodies touched.
Kim: Their bodies… they did not leave enough room!
Sequoia: Their hands touched.
Kim: Where’s Jesus supposed to stand? [Sequoia laughs] Jesus loves dancing!
Sequoia: [snorts] Wizard Jesus! [laughs]
Kim: Wizard Jesus. That's a Jesus that knows how to party. [very quietly] I’m sorry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Narcissa arms were around Severus’s neck.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: And Severus put his hands to Narcissa’s hips.
Sequoia: Oh no, her hips!
Kim: Scandalous.
Sequoia: That's pretty near her [whispering] butt.
Kim: You can’t say the B word! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Whoo! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, continue.
Kim: I would have written this. Right?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I would have written this.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: Just checking in. They danced slowly and quietly, staring at each other and smiling. They had had a very romantic evening, and they…
Sequoia: Yeah, their bodies touched, man. [laughs]
Kim: They wanted it to continue forever. They had forgotten all about their enemies, Narcissa’s family, the Malfoys, the Marauders, and everybody else. Everybody was against their love, but they couldn't do anything about it if they wanted to be together, and they really wanted to be. Narcissa had said they were like Romeo and Juliet.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: And Severus agreed with her.
Sequoia: They’re both gonna die!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Come on guys! People! Read to the end of Romeo and Juliet!
Kim: Before comparing your relationship to it? Yes, yes.
Sequoia: Yes, anyone. Oh, no. Star-crossed lovers. Here they are.
Kim: Oh no! After they danced their last dance, Severus kissed Narcissa and put his hands to the zip of Narcissa’s dress.
Sequoia: Oh, shit! Oh, wait!
Kim: He unzipped it and stripped the dress away.
Sequoia: [laughs] I knew that the rose petals were gonna get us here. I knew it! Oh no.
Kim: He was surprised.
Sequoia: Why?! [laughs]
Kim: Narcissa hadn't worn a bra under the dress.
Sequoia: Whaat?! Oh, shiiit!
Kim: Now it's getting sexy.
Sequoia: Oh no! Oh no.
Kim: Narcissa stared at him, wondering what he was doing.
Sequoia: Oh no! Wait, that's bad.
Kim: Yes, it is!
Sequoia: Come on!
Kim: You've taken my dress off. What's happening?
Sequoia: Oh no! Ask before you take people's dresses off!
Kim: On top of the Astronomy tower.
Sequoia: Are they still on the balcony?
Kim: I… they did not mention them leaving. [Sequoia laughs] We can only assume.
Sequoia: Always ask before you take people's dresses off!
Kim: Ziiiiiip.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: “Severus!” she whispered. “It's time. We've been wait…” [Sequoia laughs] [Kim joins in] Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughter] You can’t just announce that it’s time! What is happening?
Kim: Well, they’re engaged now. It’s time.
Sequoia: No! This is not how anything works! Oh no.
Kim: “It’s time.”
Sequoia: [more laughing] That voice! I can’t.
Kim: “We've been waiting for this for so long,” whispered Severus.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: Narcissa understood now what he was doing.
Sequoia: No! Wait! [laughs]
Kim: She's on board. She's got it. She caught up. She was like, what's happening? Oh! Got it now. Here we go.
Sequoia: She didn’t get it in the first place.
Kim: She thought she'd just like… he just, like, noticed there was spaghetti sauce on her dress.
Sequoia: Let me take this away to get it cleaned for you.
Kim: Oh, you're not wearing a bra. Whoops.
Sequoia: Oh no. Okay.
Kim: You ready?
Sequoia: [sighs] Jeez.
Kim: She nodded, and while Severus was undressing, she stripped her underpants and shoes away and went to bed. [Sequoia scoffs] I think they’re still on the balcony.
Sequoia: [wailing] Where? They never left the balcony!
Kim: Pretty sure they’re still on the balcony.
Sequoia: Also…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Also, what? This is the Astronomy tower.
Kim: Yeah. [snorts]
Sequoia: Never mind. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
Kim: The bed that’s in the Astronomy tower.
Sequoia: Just finish the story.
Kim: Lol. Here we go.
Sequoia: Where’s the tragedy?
Kim: Severus crawled in next to her once he was naked. [both laugh] [whispering] Oh my gosh. This next…
Sequoia: Oh no, oh no, no no no.
Kim: Oh, dude.
Sequoia: No…
Kim: Oh dude.
Sequoia: …no, no, no, no. Oh no
Kim: You ready? It’s gonna get real sexy now.
Sequoia: No, I’m not. Oh, god.
Kim: They looked at each other for a moment. They were both nervous and excited at the same time. They hadn’t done this before, but they had the basic idea of how people did this. [fifteen full seconds of laughter from both]. It’s only gonna get better from here. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Oh, no! I’m not. Clearly, I’m not ready! Oh my god. Oh my god.
Kim: Narcissa nodded and Severus kissed her. The kiss was very deep. It was the deepest one Narcissa had received that evening, and also very long.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, man. And then they got up and got dressed and that was it. That’s how it works.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: Strap in, Sequoia!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Narcissa spread her legs…
Sequoia: I don’t want to be here!
Kim: …and Severus went between them. [Sequoia squeaks] And this next sentence is my favorite sentence from this whole thing. Are you ready? This is another part where I cried yesterday. Ready?
Sequoia: [weakly] I’m not.
Kim: He looked for the spot [Sequoia shrieks] where he could put his penis [Sequoia shrieks] for a moment [Sequoia laughs] and when he realized where it was, he did it. [both laugh and laugh and laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god. [continues to laugh weakly] Oh my god. [both keep laughing and whimpering]
Kim: And then we spend the next twenty minutes crying and trying to collect ourselves.
Sequoia: [weakly] Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay.
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: [still laughing] He looked.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: He looked.
Sequoia: Just like a quick inspection.
Kim: No. No, he was really looking.
Sequoia: He was having a hard time.
Kim: [both still laughing] Yes. He was like, where? Where does this go? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Sequoia: What is it…? Could it be…?
Kim: But then he found it, and he did it.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s that one.
Kim: He did it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Oh, man. Oh man. There is so much about this that is so good.
Sequoia: My whole face hurts so bad.
Kim: When they… when… when the author’s like, they had the basic idea of how people did this…
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: They know the gist of it, but then they get in and they’re like wait a second. [Sequoia laughs] Maybe we didn’t know… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: So… it’s just so cute.
Sequioa: Yeah.
Kim: How clearly the author has not even had sex ed yet.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No, no.
Kim: They haven’t gotten to that yet.
Sequoia: Have not gotten to that yet.
Kim: They know what a penis is. Probably.
Sequoia: Ye… yeah?
Kim: Probably. They know the gist of what a penis is, I would guess.
Sequoia: I… yeah, the… [both laugh] the basic idea.
Kim: They’ve got the basic idea. [both laugh again]
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: This pooor author. I love them.
Sequoia: This is incredible.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I’m… continue.
Kim: The night was romantic and beautiful. It was the most wonderful night of their lives. They had a clear idea about the difference between fucking and making love.
Sequoia: Wow! Woooah!
Kim: There’s some strong language in there suddenly.
Sequoia: Woah! Dang!
Kim: This intimacy between Narcissa and Severus was making love. They were close to each other and they were deeply in love and they wanted to show it to each other. They were equal and they respected each other.
Sequoia: That’s nice.
Kim: This intimacy was the most beautiful and natural thing that two people could do. This was pure love.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Kim: Is that not the most pure and adorable thing you’ve ever heard?
Sequoia: That was so cute! No, now I’m gonna cry. Here’s the thing. They haven’t had sex ed, but some adult has sat them down and said, when two people love each other very much… [laughs]
Kim: Someone… yes. Yes.
Sequoia: Exactly. Oh my god. I cannot with this story. [Kim laughs] I... I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.
Kim: We still haven’t gotten to the tragedy yet.
Sequoia: [screaming] Oh fuck! It’s a tragedy! Oh my god!
Kim: Wow, wow, wow. This author’s adorable and I love them. Love them.
Sequoia: So precious. So precious.
Kim: When they stopped making love… [both laugh] they stopped.
Sequoia: They just stopped.
Kim: Severus kissed Narcissa and smiled at her. “I love you,” he said. “I love you, too.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Goddammit! We were having a nice story!
Kim: What?
Sequioa: A nice loving story and then you brought back this… these voices and I caaaan’t!
Kim: “I love you, too,” Narcissa replied. They fell asleep soon after. Severus’s hands were around Narcissa like he was protecting her. [ominously] But they didn’t know someone had seen them together.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: ‘Cause they just fucked on the balcony.
Sequoia: [laughs] They didn’t fuck. They made love.
Kim: Oh, right, sorry. [both laugh] My bad.
Sequoia: One. Two, they’re still, no matter where they are, they’re still like in a… in a public place.
Kim: I’m pretty sure.
Sequoia: So maybe you don’t fall asleep. [Kim laughs] You like gather yourself and your things.
Kim: Mhm. They were so exhausted.
Sequoia: You leave the public space. They were all… they were so exhausted from the several hours of dancing. [laughs]
Kim: From dancing for like three and a half hours. And then they made love for…
Sequoia: Some time. Until they were…
Kim: …the amount of time adults make love for.
Sequoia: Until it ended. [both laugh] Oh my god.
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: So this episode is mostly crying.
Kim: Sequoia. Someone had seen them together.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Okay, so who’s gonna die? Come on.
Kim: It was Sirius.
Sequoia: Whoa. What the fuck?
Kim: Who was furious…ly masturbating? No. he was just furious.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. Nope.
Kim: “How dare Snape touch my cousin like that? I will make him suffer,” he growled and went silently away, planning something horrible for Severus.
Sequoia: What the fuck, dude?
Kim: Sirius wasn’t the only one who had seen Severus and Narcissa together.
Sequoia: They were on a balcony.
Kim: They were on a balcony. Lucius had seen it too. And watched the whole thing.
Sequoia: Mhm. Yep.
Kim: Yikes. He realized how much Narcissa loved Severus and was ready and willing to give them his blessing.
Sequoia: Oh! That’s nice.
Kim: [deep drawling voice, used for Lucius throughout] “They belong to each other.”
Sequoia: Well, he didn’t like her in the first place.
Kim: “I can’t deny that.”
Sequoia: But your voices sound so alike. [both laugh]
Kim: “It’s better for me to forget Narcissa and concentrate on my true love, Jessica.”
Sequoia: Who Jessica? Is that all you hear? It’s just Jessica? That’s the author.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Also, I’m pretty sure Lucius true love is Jennine. From Malfoy Chaos.
Sequoia: Ooooh, it’s Jennine! It’s definitely Jennine. But also, yeah, it was stated earlier in the story that Lucius was like not into it anyway.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: He’s just like yeah, cool.
Kim: But Sequoia. The tragedy.
Sequoia: What the fuck is going on? This is bonkers.
Kim: Suddenly, he felt someone touch him. He turned around and saw the shadow of his grandfather standing there! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Was his grandfather watching too? What is happening?
Kim: I assume this shadow grandfather… [laughs]
Sequoia: What the fuck is going on? I’ve lost my voice. I can’t deal with this story.
Kim: Does the grandfather have Draco voice, too?
Sequoia: [pause] I mean, we’ve clearly established that it’s hereditary, right?
Kim: Can I do an old man Draco voice? I don’t know that I can do that.
Sequoia: I don’t know. I think you should try.
Kim: [clears throat] This is gonna be fucking nothing.
Sequoia: You… you fucking owe us.
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia laughs] [high, wavering voice with a hint of a drawl] “You will marry Narcissa Black.”
Sequoia: Well, that was… horrible.
Kim: Nothing. It’s nothing. Will you kill me?
Sequoia: That was so bad. [both laugh]
Kim: “You will marry Narcissa Black, Lucius.”
Sequoia: That was all right.
Kim: “It is your destiny. And it is Miss Black’s destiny as well,” he growled.
Sequoia: Oh, where did he…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Where did…
Kim: It’s the shadow grandfather.
Sequoia: Where did he come from? Is he a shadow or is he the grandfather?
Kim: Shadow. Shadow grandfather. I don’t know if it’s the grandfather or if it’s just his shadow. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t. “What if I don’t want it? Narcissa’s heart belongs to Severus Snape,” asked Lucius. “I will take care of Mr. Snape. You have to kidnap Miss Black.”
Sequoia: That’s not necessary.
Kim: “And bring her to the Malfoy Manor.”
Sequoia: High key not necessary!
Kim: “If you fail, I will make sure that you never become a Death Eater,” growled Lucius’s grandfather.
Sequoia: Wait. That’s not…
Kim: That’s not much of a punishment, TBH.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s… was…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: …barely a thing. At this point.
Kim: Yeah? It doesn’t…
Sequoia: Also, Lucius still wouldn’t be at school with them at this point.
Kim: He’s there to watch them have sex.
Sequoia: Also. Why do you have to kidnap her?
Kim: So that she and Snape won’t be together.
Sequoia: No! What if you just kill Snape, then? [both laugh]
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Somebody’s gotta die.
Kim: It’s in the past, Sequoia, nobody can die. [Sequoia groans] Then it wouldn’t be canon.
Sequoia: This is not canon.
Kim: What do you mean? [Sequoia laughs] Lucius watched as his grandfather disappeared into the darkness.
Sequoia: It was a shadow. It was just a shadow.
Kim: [whispering] It was his grandfather’s shadow.
Sequoia: Magic.
Kim: Grandfather’s shadow.
Sequoia: Magic shadow.
Kim: He felt sorry for Severus and Narcissa, but he had no choice. He wouldn’t be happy with Narcissa, and Narcissa wouldn’t be happy with him. Lucius sighed. He wanted to help Severus to get Narcissa, but he couldn’t! His grandfather had such a strong hold on him. Lucius looked at the lovers. They were sleeping peacefully, without knowing about the threat that would reach them soon. [pause] Their romantic love story would soon end extremely tragically.
Sequoia: The end?
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: FUCK YOU! [Kim cackles] Fuck you! Fuuuck you!
Kim: Tragedy.
Sequoia: Fuck you!
Kim: Traaaaaaagedy.
Sequoia: Fuck…
Kim: Look, the last word in the story is tragically.
Sequoia: …you
Kim: Tragedy.
Sequoia: Fuck you. [both laugh]
Kim: I like how Lucius is standing there like, well, guess I gotta do this now.
Sequoia: Here I go with the kidnapping.
Kim: [laughs] Can’t help myself.
Sequoia: Wow. I’m [sighs] a shell of what I once was. [laughs]
Kim: This story is so good.
Sequoia: That was beautiful and perfect.
Kim: Thank you, listener, for sending this my way.
Sequoia: So that… Narcissa and… and Snape was one of the pairings…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …from the end at the wedding in Hawaiian Fantasy.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Nice! Good job, listener.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Dang.
Kim: Yeah. How do you…
Sequoia: I… I… [sighs]
Kim: I cried a lot.
Sequoia: I cri… I don’t think I’ve had that visceral of a reaction in a long time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So, thank you, I guess. Sort of.
Kim: There was a lot of crying.
Sequoia: All my predictions were wrong. Cool.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Cool, cool beans.
Kim: Sorry, not sorry. [makes a high pitched beeping and booping]
Sequoia: Hold for the end, please! [laughs] I did not know what you were gonna do.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That was fun. Okay. [laughs] All right, this is our segment, hold for the end, please.
Kim: What do you have for us today?
Sequoia: Today I have… a listener sent us a… the end of The Veela’s Nest. [Kim laughs] I’m way stoked about it because wow. The episode number two. Sixty one episodes later, let’s get the resolution to that. [laughs]
Kim: Yes please. That story needs an end.
Sequoia: Okay, so the story… if you don’t remember, Veela’s Nest ends with them being like Hermione went and got the like report or whatever, and she was looking at…
Kim: Mhm. And they find out that Harry’s pregnant.
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re standing in like the owlery or something and they’re like, Harry’s pregnant.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then the story ended.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So this picks up right there. They’re in the owlery. Harry and Draco escape the owlery by flying…
Kim: Because they are birds. They’re bird men.
Sequoia: …because they have wings. They’re birds. They’re bird men. They have wings.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Draco picks up Harry because Harry’s fragile. [both laugh] And they fly away.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: We’re going to have to post this on our website ‘cause I’m going through it, but there’s some good shit in here.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [laughs] They go to the Forbidden Forest, where magical creatures make their homes, and they make a nest with the help of a sprite of some kind in the top of a tree.
Kim: So, wait, they… they don’t… they just go to the Forbidden… that’s not far. That’s fine. That’s fine.
Sequoia: They just go to the Forbidden Forest and they make a nest in the top of a tree. And then Ron and Hermione come and like tell them stuff that’s happening…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …in the castle, and also bring them food.
Kim: Okay. That’s reasonable, I guess. [pause] [Sequoia chuckles quietly] ‘Cause they couldn’t be expected to take care of themselves.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They’re helpless bird men.
Sequoia: Harry’s got that three month gestation thing happening. Right?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And so Harry does, in fact, develop a cloaca during the final week.
Kim: [snorts] You just make a weird noise come out of me. [both laugh] Harry does…
Sequoia: Harry develops a cloaca.
Kim: Thank you. Yes, he does indeeeeeeed!
Sequoia: Yes, he does. He’s a bird man. He lays a clutch of seven eggs.
Kim: That’s a lot of eggs.
Sequoia: It’s a lot of eggs. They got lots of babies. It says… so all goes well. They… they settle in to keep the eggs warm, as as you do.
Kim: Uh huh. When you’re a bird.
Sequoia: And so they, like, settle into their nest together, keeping the eggs warm together as a couple with their seven eggs.
Kim: ‘Cause it’s getting really domestic!
Sequoia: It literally says… [laughs] meanwhile, Hermione is developing a campaign…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …to return their rights as human beings…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …and is doing like a big lawyer thing.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then this person has said, things get political AND domestic. [laughs]
Kim: Excellent! Yes they do.
Sequoia: They do! So unfortunately Pansy Parkinson has been following Hermione.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: And knows where the nest is.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: She doesn’t want to hurt Draco because, and I quote, still believing that someday the Ice Prince Angel Bird Guy will want her. [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yesssss.
Sequoia: So she waits ‘til Draco goes away. She takes the collar, puts it back on Harry.
Kim: Oh, no, Harry!
Sequoia: Harry, and then Harry, yeah. And then she takes Harry and he goes to Doctor Livingstone at the Ministry of Magic.
Kim: [whispering] Doctor Livingstone.
Sequoia: Doctor Livingstone. He’s here. Draco finds that he’s missing and heads to the Ministry with Hermione to save his beloved, the father of his eggs/potential b… potential bird children.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Potential bird children.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Ron egg sits while they’re away. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Draco and Hermione break into the Ministry of Magic.
Kim: Right, ‘cause Ron’s fucking useless.
Sequoia: Exactly, so he’s just there sitting on the eggs.
Kim: That’s fine. That’s a good use of Ron.
Sequoia: [laughs] Things get dark.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: They have… they have all these kennels and tanks and stalls for magical creatures in the Department of Magical Creatures. It gets dark.
Kim: Yikes. Good. Like it.
Sequoia: But in the end, Draco charms all of Livingstone’s assistants with his alluring gaze and sexy posturing with his wings. [both laugh]
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: Hermione gets them all back with well placed stunning spells.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: They tie up Livingstone and leave him next to the merperson tank.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He probably… he gets eaten.
Kim: By merpeople?
Sequoia: I guess, yeah.
Kim: Okay, cool. That’s good.
Sequoia: Draco’s sexiness has made it so that the assistants don’t remember anything when they wake up, for some reason.
Kim: Naturally.
Sequoia: They get back to the Forbidden Forest. The eggs are fine. Ron is like, thank god you’re back, I’m getting really sick of sitting on these eggs. Eight weeks later, there’s an epilogue.
Kim: Uh huh. [laughs]
Sequoia: Hermione wins her case against the Ministry.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The… Harry and Draco move back into their habitat in the castle, but like sans windows. It’s like a… just like an actual room now.
Kim: Oh, okay, sure. Okay.
Sequoia: And they are finishing up their classes and raising their seven adorable veela chicks with Hagrid’s help and Ron’s help and things get cute.
Kim: Awwww. [Sequoia laughs] I feel like that’s like a really plausible way for that story to have gone.
Sequoia: ‘Cause that’s… yeah, that tracks.
Kim: That fits. That all tracks.
Sequoia: That all tracks.
Kim: That’s very good.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Nice work.
Sequoia: Things got political.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Things got domestic.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Things got dark.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Things got cute.
Kim: Yeah! Excellent! Who was that that sent that in?
Sequoia: And that’s from Abbey.
Kim: Thanks, Abbey!
Sequoia: Thank you so much for submitting to hold for the end, please.
Kim: Yeah! If you have a submission for hold for the end, please, do email it to us.
Sequoia: fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Kim: Now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pewww! Pew pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Kim: The story I have for everyone today…
Sequoia: You look… you have an evil look in your eyes and dude, do you know what you already fucking did today?
Kim: …was a listener submission.
Sequoia: [laughs] Sweet!
Kim: It’s Zack/Cedriiiiiiiiiic!
Sequoia: Yeaaaaaaaaah! [laughs]
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Incredible. I’m excited to read it.
Kim: It’s some real angsty shit. Go look at that!
Sequoia: Hell, yeah.
Kim: The link is in the description of this episode as well as on our website.
Sequoia: Fananicalfics.com, where you can find an entire list of our recommendations.
Kim: Also on our website is our story submission form! I got two listener submissions today that I used.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Keep sending us that good, good, shit.
Sequoia: We love it.
Kim: You’re… you all are excellent at it, at this.
Sequoia: Yeah. You’re great at this, and it helps us out a lot. [Kim chuckles] You can also find our merch. You can find the merch on our website. Some posters, some stickers. You can also find a link to our TeePublic merch, which has a lot more designs and a lot more things you can get.
Kim: Including t-shirts, magnets…
Sequoia: Phone cases…
Kim: Etcetera.
Sequoia: Laptop cases. [laughs] Let’s just list them all.
Kim: No. [both laugh] All right. You can find us on social media. We’re on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook as Fanatical Fics.
Sequoia: You can also email us at fananticalfics@gmail.com for hold for the end, please. Email us your address to join the trick your friends 2019 campaign and get your campaign tools.
Kim: 2019’s almost over, but the…
Both: …campaign continues!
Sequoia: Hold for the announcement of trick your friends 2020.
Kim: Shit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can also just email us whatever you got. You got a sequel.
Kim: Some little thoughts. You wrote a sequel.
Sequoia: You got a sequel.
Kim: Let us know. You have fan art. Let us know if we can post it somewhere.
Sequoia: Let us know, yeah. If you want to help out the podcast, there’s a couple ways you can do that.
Kim: Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook.
Sequoia: We’ll shout ya out.
Kim: And we will shout you out in about six months.
Sequoia: In about roughly six months. [laughs]
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: We… you can also trick Your friends. You can do it with campaign tools, without campaign tools.
Kim: With Love of a Cat, Love of a Man.
Sequoia: With Love of a Cat, Love of a Man.
Kim: I cannot stop thinking about that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Trick your barista. Trick your professor. Trick your cashier that’s got Harry Potter tattoos. Trick your nuns.
Kim: [pause] 2019.
Sequoia: 2019, 2020.
Kim: You can also help us out by joining our Patreon. We’re doing a lot of fun stuff over there.
Sequoia: Book club.
Kim: Starts in January.
Sequoia: Right now probablyish, about. We are currently running a drabble…
Kim: Writing competition.
Sequoia: …writing competition. Like a Christmas drabble competition. We’ve got trivia every week. We’re doing all sorts of fun stuff over there on our Patreon and our Patreon Discord. So come join the fam. It’s a lot of fun.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Speaking of Patreon, after six months of donating to our Patreon, you get a shout out in the form of a bit.
Kim: Let’s do that. Do you want to go first?
Sequoia: Sure. The big day is finally here. Peter has been preparing for months. Yards upon of yards of fabric, lace, and countless hours of sewing with his assistant Emily, who never misses a stitch. It’s finally time. The judges have arrived. Sirius and Lily are in hair and make up. Will Peter’s designs be enough to take home the coveted Hogwarts High Fashion Design Award? [Kim laughs] Or will a blunder on the runway steal the show?
Kim: [laughs] That was so good! [Sequoia laughs] Dude, you keep giving me these, like, summaries of stories that you’re never gonna write!
Sequoia: [still laughing] I know man, I’m sorry. I love writing these summaries so much.
Kim: Wow, wow, wow.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: [drawling, pretentious, Draco voice] “Megan, I followed your advice to try complimenting my crush, and it didn’t work! He still got all mad! What did I say? Well, I told him that he wasn’t looking like such a poooor loser today, and then he stormed off! I’m never following your advice again!”
Sequoia: Thank you for being our patrons, Emily and Megan. And…
Kim: Thanks to all our other patrons. You let us do this weird, weird shit.
Sequoia: I know. Why do you do this? Thank you!
Kim: Also, thanks to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their excellent song Wolfstar.
Both: Byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee!