Episode 61: Aren't We Random
Recommendation: A Passing Engagement
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3561843/1/A-Passing-Engagement
This transcript was provided by Kujo!
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So we were doing some really important Masked Singer research last night.
Sequoia: We were!
Kim: And I need to know. Is "Kiss from a Rose" [Sequoia laughing hysterically] still stuck in your head, too?
Sequoia: No! Oh, no, I got rid of it. Oh, I'd gotten rid of it, all was gone. Oh, no, no, no! It's back! [half laughs, half groans]
Theme Song (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is [sing-song voice] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: [chuckles] That's a weird way to do that.
Sequoia: I don't know. I just, I have to go with whatever I feel in the moment.
Kim: It's always... That was kind of like a kid's musical.
Sequoia: [repeating song rhythm] Meh, meh, meh- no, you know, it was like it was like a kids-
Kim: Like a nursery rhyme.
Sequoia: - taunt. [Both laugh]
Kim: Sure. It's a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Here we are.
Kim: Here we are!
Sequoia: Okay. Speaking of Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: That's all we do here.
Sequoia: Here's the thing-
Kim: That's not true. That's not true. [Cracking up]
Sequoia: No, no it's not. [Both laughing]
Sequoia: That is, like, actively a lie... Okay. Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: A beautiful piece of Harry Potter fanfiction was born.
Kim: It was.
Sequoia: From our Patreon discord.
Both: Yeah, they were...
Sequoia: That we need to talk about. [Kim laughing faintly] Link in the description.
Kim: It's one of our, one... So our patrons were having a discussion. About Harry Potter stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah. As they're want to do.
Kim: And Abby from Discord.
Sequoia: Mmhmm.
Kim: Our friend Abby.
Sequoia: [Laughing] The fam.
Kim: Got inspired.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: And wow. It was such a fast turnaround too, it just like flowed. I assume.
Sequoia: I went to work-.
Kim: Mhmm.
Sequoia: And then, I checked the discord and I was like, "Whoa, what the fuck is happening? There are dementors, there are gay dementors. And they are having some little babies, some little balls of darkness. [Kim laughing in the background] What's going on?"
Kim: It was so terrifying, but also [strained] wholesome.
Sequoia: It was wholesome and full of murder!
Kim: It's really good. And you should all check it out.
Sequoia: Link in the description. We can't even explain past that point like that's, it's just that good.
Kim: It was such a weird, great moment and I... Our Discord is so fun.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm very proud of them. What a thing they birthed. [Both chuckle] Anyway, we just needed- we need you guys to read it cause it's great.
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: Speaking of people who support us and this thing that we're doing [Kim laughing], I just wanted to say this because I feel like I'm very proud of it but-
Kim: This continues to confuse me.
Sequoia: Our Trick Your Friends 2019 campaign has spread and [chuckles] we now have tricksters in 20 countries.
Kim: This is nuts.
Sequoia: So thanks to Norway for rounding us out to 20. [Kim snorts]
Kim: I never thought anyone would listen to this podcast [Sequoia laughs] and the fact that not only do lots of people listen to it, but lots of people from all over the world.
Sequoia: [high-pitched, strained] Listen to it. Pretty sure... Yeah. That's pretty fucking cool. I'm very- I'm real stoked about this particular landmark.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Cause it's nuts.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughing].
Sequoia: So thank you for joining the Trick Your Friends 2019 campaign, you can do that by emailing your address to fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: We're still doing it.
Sequoia: Yeah, who knows when we'll stop? I just ordered a whole bunch of buttons. More buttons. So who knows? [Both laughing]
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: You guys are great for several reasons: dementor fanfic, tricking your friends.
Kim: You're all such good creative [pause] listeners.
Sequoia: Folks. Yeah. And there was, okay, the episode before our last episode, called The Last. Had just this beautiful, like [both laughing] opportunity within it. And I felt bad, when I went back and I edited the episode, I was like, "Oh, man, I wish we would have said, "Please draw Sinful for us.""
Kim: You did it anyway.
Sequoia: They did it anyway! Because it's a beautiful opportunity...
Kim: Yeah, we got some a-mazing Sinful fan art, which will hopefully be going up on our website soon.
Sequoia: Yeah, we got some from Sean on Discord. We got some from Comic Canary on Twitter and some from Midnight Bubblegum on Instagram.
Kim: They're all beautiful and perfect.
Sequoia: Yeah, they're so good because guys, look at him! [laughs]
Kim: He looks ridiculous!
Sequoia: He looks nuts!
Kim: Oh, they're all so good. Jeez, I love getting fan art so much.
Sequoia: It's one of my very favorite things.
Kim: And I think we talked about this a little bit, in the future if you draw something and you want us to put it up somewhere email the art to us and we will post it on our website.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, absolutely email it to us.
Kim: So that everyone can see what beautiful things you've made.
Sequoia: Because they're gorgeous and we love them. [Kim laughing quietly] Thank you. Speaking of being appreciative-.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: Wow. I really, we're really on top of the segways today. Being appreciative of our listeners. Let's get to some reviews.
Kim: Shout out to Raff-Tar, who says Drarry for the win. And you're correct. Reading some good, Drarry smut does make me feel like I've won [Sequoia laughing] something.
Sequoia: Shout out to bouncingbuffalo, who says they keep relistening to old episodes of our podcast instead of finishing all their other podcasts they're listening to. [Kim laughing] Which I think is fine because sometimes, you're just in the mood for Luna Lovegood taking all of Harry's blood as opposed to like a true crime podcast. [laughing]
Kim: That's sounds- wait, what? That's definitely true crime... Shout out to MusicInMe12, who left us a very nice review. They said that the podcast has only gotten better with time and said that we were like little drunk toddlers in the old episodes, which is true, but also that even though the podcast has gotten more polished, which thank you-.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: We are still ourselves and that somehow that's very endearing and- it's just a really nice review and thank you so much.
Sequoia: Yeah, I love hearing that we've gotten better at this thing because wow, I started listening to the old episodes recently. [Kim laughing] Whoo. [Both laughing].
Kim: We were trying.
Sequoia: We were trying... Shout out to Aalaa, who says they would be homeless without this podcast?
Kim: I'm sorry, what?
Sequoia: And, you know, we're happy to provide a place for some fanfic weirdos to know they're not alone in their love for every Draco pairing. [both laughing]
Kim: They're all good. Shout out to SMKuldell, who says they love how we interact with our listeners. And that's only because it's only fair that we tweet you back, considering how often we scream too at us.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah.
Kim: We have to.
Sequoia: We have to back that up, shout out to EugeniaJ, who left us an incredibly nice and detailed review and I want to thank them for that. But also, here's the thing [laughing] E.J. is one of our most dedicated tricksters. [Kim wheeze-laughing] And I feel like I've mentioned them.
Kim: You've mentioned them a few times.
Sequoia: Multiple times, and will do it again because EJ is the one who keeps introducing people to the pod using Love of a Cat, Love of a Man. [Kim cry-laughing] And it's working! And I am living for it! Thank you.
Kim: [Wheezily] Why that episode?
Sequoia: They sent us photos the other day of their friend listening to Love of a Cat, Love of a Man.
Kim: Their friend looked so mad.
Sequoia: It was great!
Kim: Oh, man. [Sequoia taking deep breathes] Thank you, E.J.. You continue to inspire us.
Sequoia: Yes... Hey, so remember last year?
Kim: I don't remember anything ever.
Sequoia: Well, okay, so here's the thing, is that, you know what's coming up? [Kim snorting] Black Friday slash Cyber Monday! And remember [nearly cracking up] when we had a hot deal? That no one used? [Both laughing]
Kim: [defeated, laughing] Yeah. I do.
Sequoia: Let's do it again. [Both cracking up]
Kim: Okay, okay.
Sequoia: You can use the code.
Both: Hot deals.
Kim: With a Z, on our merch website.
Sequoia: On our website, fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: I don't think we have any control over the prices of things on Teepublic.
Sequoia: We don't. So, just for the stickers and posters on our website. 50% off Thanksgiving day through the end of Cyber...
Kim: Shipping is free-.
Sequoia: Shipping is free-.
Kim: All the time-.
Sequoia: [deliriously] You get a poster for $4. [Both laughing].
Kim: Go use the code or buy something and forget to use the code.
Sequoia: [laughing] That's also good too!
Kim: [extending words] Hot. Deals. Is that all caps?
Sequoia: Yeah. It's all caps.
Kim: All caps. H- O- T
Both: D- E- A- L- Z.
Kim: Oh, shit.
Sequoia: Hot deals.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: You know, we also have. So that's... That's a funny bit, our hot deals bit, it's a bit. Right?
Kim: I mean, what do we do that's not a bit? [pause]
Sequoia: I was about to say what's not a bit. I was doing a segway for the bit into not a bit.
Kim: No, I know what you're going to say. And it's a bit too! [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia: It's not a bit! It's not always a bit.
Kim: It's always a bit...
Sequoia: So I've been talking about this for a while, and finally the plans are in place.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: We are starting a reread of the Harry Potter books with our patrons in January.
Kim: Yeah, it's a Harry Potter book club.
Sequoia: Harry Potter book club. So, what we're doing from now until the end of December is there is a limited time tier on our Patreon that is $4 and it is access to the book club. So it's just access to our discord where we will be planning the book club. And yeah!
Kim: Come talk about Harry Potter with us.
Sequoia: Come join the book club. Let's reread the books together because what happened in them?
Kim: I was telling you something earlier and you're like, when did that happen?
Sequoia: Yeah, no, for sure, guys.
Kim: Yikes. My man.
Sequoia: I was trying to write trivia the other day, and I was like, [sing-song] "Oh, no." [Both laughing].
Kim: Trivia for our-.
Both: -discord. Yeah.
Kim: Our Discord is super fun. They'll get access to the entire Discord.
Sequoia: Writing competitions, too.
Kim: Yeah. Writing competitions happen there. You get-.
Both: House points.
Kim: Come fight for supremacy [Both laughing] of the points.
Sequoia: Of the points. It's a whole different points moon.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: So yeah, that'll be on our Patreon from now until the end of December.
Kim: Yep. Come join in the book club.
Sequoia: [excitedly] Book club!... All right. Would you like to make some predictions for a fanfiction?
Kim: Oh, shit. Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah, it's time. We're here. We're here. Okay. It's time for everyone to make their predictions, actually. Go ahead and tweet your predictions at us. Do at us #fanficdivination. Also, I found a way to do this... Lots. Lots of our listeners don't have Twitter. Some of them just have Instagram and I found out a way to do the thing. So, go to Instagram, go to our story and join the predictions chat.
Kim: Oh, nice! You're learning how to Instagram!
Sequoia: I'm learning so much.
Kim: Good for you! We're not really old [Both laughing].
Sequoia: I feel like every other day I'm like, "Did you know Instagram could do this thing?" And my roommate Hannah is like, "Yes."
Kim: She's very, yeah..
Sequoia: "The whole time." [Both laughing] Whoo, all right. So, go ahead and send in your predictions, and then let's see what you've got for us, Kim. This is called, Aren't we Random?
Kim: Oh, no. [Sequoia laughing] Oh, no.
Sequoia: It is romance. And it came out between Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows.
Kim: Hey, dude, fuck you.
Sequoia: Doo doo do da doo.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: It's called Aren't we Random.
Kim: Ahh, shit. Wait, there's no humor tag on this?
Sequoia: No, it's just romance!
Kim: [Creaky door hinge mouth noise] Okay, so the lack of a humor tag does kind of imply to me that this actually isn't going to be some weird random crack. That doesn't inform me in any way of [Sequoia laughs] what the fuck I should say now. So. Fuck, man. I've got it. Here we go. I think the main character is going to be Luna Lovegood.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I think this is going to be a story about an established relationship. So not like a getting together fanfic.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And I think that someone is going to get in trouble from a teacher.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Those are my three predictions. Fuck you.
Sequoia: [Laughs] Hmm. Okay. Okay. I'm just thinking that we might have to discuss one of those.
Kim: Nice! All right. Love that.
Sequoia: Whoo. Okay. Let's get into it. "Aren't we Random."
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: The Library of Hogwarts, the only quiet place in the whole bloody castle.
Kim: [snorts] I don't-that can't. There's only like ten students that go to Hogwarts. [Both laughing].
Sequoia: And it's like giant.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Only ten students at Hogwarts. [Kim trying to recover from laughing] A place of peace and calm. And Theodore Nott's refuge from the idiocy of his fellow students.
Kim: [Breathlessly] Theodore Nott?
Sequoia: What's up? What's up! New character alert.
Both: [Improvised Theo theme song]
Kim: Theo in the house!
Sequoia: Theodore Nott!
Kim: Nice! Oh, that's exciting.
Sequoia: Yeah, right?
Kim: I've read [pause] no Theodore Nott fanfic?
Sequoia: Yeah! I did a character specific search.
Kim: Did you? Oh, cool, cool, cool. Yeah. That's nice.
Sequoia: I was like, I want something new.
Kim: I'm thinking, didn't Jo mention at one point that she cut, like, a fairly substantial scene that took place at Malfoy Manor between Theodore Nott and Malfoy?
Sequoia: I don't remember ever hearing that, but-
Kim: It was just like an interesting... She said she, like, really regretted having to cut it because it was a really interesting time to see Draco, outside of school, interacting with someone who's more on his level than most people are.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Huh.
Kim: I forget what book it was supposed to be in, it was one of the later ones, I think.
Sequoia: Oh, dang. I bet if we went outside of time frame, we could find that somebody wrote that as a fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah, for sure. I bet there's some really good stuff with that.
Sequoia: Oh, for sure.
Kim: Anyway [chuckling].
Sequoia: Anyway!
Both: [Mumbling over one another, trying to get on track]
Kim: Sorry. We haven't talked about Harry Potter in a second.
Sequoia: This is a Harry Potter podcast! [Both laughing]
Kim: Let's get back to the weird shit!
Sequoia: All right. [monotone, sad] The idiocy of his fellow students. [enunciating properly] If you hadn't quite noticed yet, Theodore Nott, the pale, dark hair-and-eyed Slytherin, had distinct feelings of dislike for most of his fellow students.
Kim: [drawn out] What? What makes me think that?
Sequoia: Never would have thought it. Thanks. And the library was the only place he knew he wouldn't be bothered by their brainless chattering.
Kim: Oh, man. The hottie Slytherin.
Sequoia: Yeah. He's just like, "Oh, everyone's stupid. I'm very smart."
Kim: "Everyone sucks."
Sequoia: Well. That was until today.
Kim: Uh-oh.
Sequoia: He had been sitting at a table reading a lovely book named 'The Divine Comedy.' [chuckling]
Kim: Huh? No he hadn't!
Sequoia: He's just reading some of literature!
Kim: Some Muggle literature?
Sequoia: Yeah! At the library.
Kim: I mean, wizards don't write novels.
Sequoia: I mean [trails off]. How do you know that?
Kim: Because they don't. They don't take any literature classes in Hogwarts. They don't know how to write.
Sequoia: That's true. That's very true.
Kim: Wizards don't write literature.
Sequoia: But Theodore Nott, he's very interested. He's very high brow.
Kim: He's not reading Muggle literature.
Sequoia: He's reading the Divine Comedy.
Kim: No he's not.
Sequoia: Yes, he is, right now! [Kim sighs deeply] It's fine. And most importantly, he was minding his own damn business. So, yes, everything was just dandy. And then, much to his dislike, a flushed looking blond Ravenclaw stormed into the library.
Kim: Nice, Luna in the house.
Sequoia: [singing] Luna's in the house. Here she is.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: [singing] Storming into the library.
Kim: I don't know that Luna has ever stormed anywhere.
Sequoia: She sort of floats.
Kim: Yes. I cannot picture her storming.
Sequoia: She's a little frazzled right now.
Kim: Oh, okay, fine. [Sequoia laughing]
Sequoia: She's having a moment.
Kim: I mean even when she was, like, at her worst, like when everyone had stolen her shit.
Sequoia: Right. She's just, like, [dreamy tone] hmmm.
Kim: She's still floating.
Sequoia: "I'm floating around."
Kim: All right, continue.
Sequoia: She stormed the library, earning herself a pretty nasty glare from Madam Pince, by the way. And, well, she looked rather.
Kim: Everyone gets a nasty glare from Madame Pince, all the time.
Sequoia: Always.
Kim: She's the worst librarian. [Sequoia laughing]
Sequoia: She makes you actively not want to be in the library.
Kim: Yeah. And she's actively unhelpful.
Sequoia: Whoo. And, well, she looked rather... Hunted. For lack of a better word.
Kim: Okay. Weird.
Sequoia: Her pale blue saucer like eyes scanned the library, which was empty. Aside from Theodore and Madame Pince, usually you could find that mudblood Granger here too.
Kim: Rude. What the fuck, dude?
Sequoia: Yeah. This is like...
Kim: No, I love. I like Slytherin first person because they're such shit bags.
Sequoia: Yeah, they're being awful.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And, like, sometimes they like turn it into an alternate universe or whatever where they're like-.
Kim: Not shit bags?
Sequoia: -actually, this person is good, and they're just like, stuck in Slytherin.
Kim: But the Slytherins in the same year as Harry, they're shit bags.
Sequoia: All of them.
Kim: Every single one of them. And I love it. [Sequoia laughs] I love well-characterized shit bags.
Sequoia: But lately she was preoccupied with other things, presumably that red haired prat and the speckled wonderboy. [Both chuckle softly] Sometimes he wondered if they had spandex outfits and battle cries. [Both laugh]
Kim: They did in the last.
Sequoia: I was going to say, this is a continuation of the idea that they're just, that Harry's just an X man.
Kim: Yup. Continue that, I'll live in that space.
Sequoia: Whoo. And battle cries. But anyways she seemed to notice him and ran up to his table.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Oh, Merlin. What did she want? "You haven't seen me." She stated before diving, yes, diving [Kim laughs] behind the bookcase that stood by his table.
Kim: Fine. Weird. Do that.
Sequoia: She was looking very hunted!
Kim: Yeah, I get it! She doesn't need to slide into home plate, though.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Swan dive-.
Sequoia: Just like hwya!
Kim: Into the- [both laugh]
Sequoia: Face first into the carpet. Oh, man. What an odd girl. He had just had enough time to take in those awfully absurd, bright earrings and untidy looking necklace of hers before she dived behind the bookcase, something he found absurd.
Kim: The diving or the way she looks?
Sequoia: All.
Kim: Yup, fair. [Sequoia laughs] She's ridiculous.
Sequoia: Yeah, she has probably her radish earrings on.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Her bottle cap necklace-
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: -is just like, a necklace with some garbage on it.
Kim: I feel like it would be really hard to like hide or sneak with a bottle cap necklace.
Sequoia: Yeah, that seems like very clanky, although in the movies it's corks and not bottle caps. But I reject that out of hand. My Luna Lovegood necklace is bottle caps. Oh. He wondered what her problem was. But, well, she did seem familiar.
Kim: [Laughs] He doesn't recognize her.
Sequoia: He doesn't recognize her.
Kim: Look, dude, there's only, like, ten students at... [Both dissolve into laughter]
Sequoia: She walked in, wearing the crazy shit she's always wearing.
Kim: I feel like out of all the students, Luna Lovegood would stick out.
Sequoia: Oh, for sure.
Kim: Although! Harry had never seen her before his fifth year.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: So I guess if you're as self-absorbed as Harry is, then, yeah, you haven't noticed Luna.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true. I forget, that he's just like, "Oh, where'd she come from?"
Kim: "Who's this weird person?"
Sequoia: "Who's this girl?" I guess they are younger, so they wouldn't have classes together or anything, but like-
Kim: Eh, there's only...
Sequoia: A girl. Just like, probably. I imagine at some point they're like in the Great Hall and she just, like, gets up on top of the table for some reason to, like, reach up into the air, grab some nargles or something. And she's, like, wearing all this crazy shit and you're like, wow, look at that girl, everyone. The whole Great Hall.
Kim: Yes. [lightly scoffs] Nuts.
Sequoia: Well, she did seem familiar. Very familiar even.
Kim: You go to school with her. Sorry.
Sequoia: He had an inkling he even knew her name. Wasn't she friends with the Marvelous Spandex three and the Red Brat's equally red sister?
Kim: Wow. These are some... I feel like this is how Draco usually is characterized as describing people, right?
Sequoia: I like that they're called the Marvelous Spandex three.
Kim: Yeah, that's good.
Sequoia: And not even trio.
Kim: I guess that that's a little more muggle than Draco would describe them.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's. He's making, like, very superhero references.
Kim: Yeah, Theo seems a little bit more in into muggle culture.
Sequoia: He's reading the Divine Comedy!
Kim: He is.
Sequoia: The Red Brat's equally red sister. Stupid. [Both chuckle] And wasn't she quite frequently the object of jokes? Those really unfunny jokes that only people with the IQ of your average goldfish find amusing?
Kim: [Joyfully laughing] Was that a Draco burn?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Got him!
Kim: Suck it, Draco! You're stupid.
Sequoia: Really, though, he's on to something. Because, as we've discussed before, Draco-
Kim: Is not funny.
Sequoia: Is not funny, and his insults are recycled and bad.
Kim: Yes. Get some new material, Draco. Maybe if he knew how to read, he could find something.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Mm hmm.
Kim: But wizards don't read literature.
Sequoia: No, they don't. Cool! Theodore's train of thoughts was interrupted by yet another blond who came storming into the library.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: But this one was male and a Hufflepuff.
Kim: Oh, weird.
Sequoia: Plus, he bore great resemblance to an enraged werewolf.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: Who the fuck is this?
Sequoia: I'm not entirely sure what that means.
Kim: Don't know who this is. He's really hairy and grumpy?
Sequoia: You really you don't know who this is?
Kim: Who's a hairy, grumpy Hufflepuff?
Sequoia: Who's a grumpy Hufflepuff?
Kim: Oh, [both chuckle] he's not hairy though?
Sequoia: I don't even know that that's exactly what that means.
Kim: Werewolf?
Sequoia: An enraged... resembling an enraged werewolf? Maybe he just looks pissed off.
Kim: Oh, well, then why would...
Sequoia: Well. Theodore-
Kim: Theo.
Sequoia: -must, you know, garnish his words. He must...
Kim: Yes, he's very... I like it. I like his characterization a lot in this. All right, bring me me.
Sequoia: If Theodore's mind served him correctly, this was Zacharias Smith-.
Kim: Me.
Sequoia: [Cracking up] A Hufflepuff chaser who is currently walking over to him. I like how Theodore Nott, this continues in the story where he just like Quidditch is his main reference point. So he's just like, "Hmm, that person is a chaser on blah blah blah team. And I know all the names of the people who play Quidditch, but everybody else is just like sort of also present."
Kim: Theo likes sports?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Interesting. I like it.
Sequoia: He likes sports and the Divine Comedy and.
Both: -Superheroes.
Kim: Weird, I like it. I feel like... Okay, so not many students play Quidditch. Like, the teams are very small.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I think everyone probably... It does make sense that if you like Quidditch, you would know all the Quidditch players.
Sequoia: Yeah. Especially like it's not like a muggle high school where there's like 12,000 different sports teams. It's like there's just one sport team.
Kim: There's one sport and there's not 10,000 football players on it.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Why are football teams so big? Everyone in my high school played football. Whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah. You don't know the entire 60 person roster of the football team.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: But you can keep track of the seven people on your house team and-
Kim: Yeah. So there's not that many people.
Sequoia: And then the additional 21 people. Yeah. Oh man. Very good. "Nott," he said curtly. "Did you see Lovegood? You know that loony blond with the insect eyes?"
Kim: Fucking rude. [Both laughing]
Sequoia: Zach Smith, he's here.
Kim: Such a shithead.
Sequoia: Oh. So that was her name, Lovegood. Luna Lovegood, often referred to as Loony Lovegood?
Kim: Did you say this came out before or after Half-Blood Prince?
Sequoia: After.
Kim: Okay, cool. Because she does the announcements for at least one Quidditch match in Half-Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Yes, it's my favorite! [Both laugh]
Kim: So Theo should should recognize her from that and continue.
Sequoia: Well, he did understand where she got the nickname from because well-
Kim: What the fuck is going on there?
Sequoia: -Her attire was a bit perky, now, wasn't it?
Kim: Perky? That is not the word.
Sequoia: That's not what I would go for.
Kim: Fine, weird.
Sequoia: I don't know how your attire is perky, but that's fine.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But the whole insect eyes thing, he didn't really comprehend. He thought she had quite nice eyes. Large, pale blue eyes. Like his mother used to have.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: I feel like-.
Kim: That's weird.
Sequoia: So, I read a lot of Theodore Nott fanfiction at this point.
Kim: Weird. Continue.
Sequoia: Did we know his mom was dead?
Kim: I think Jo said it.
Sequoia: Okay because...
Kim: I found this out when I was looking up, because I thought it was Blaise in book five, but I was absolutely wrong. Theodore Nott is who could see the thestrals.
Sequoia: Right? Yeah.
Kim: There's some Theo shit, and I think we knew a little bit of it.
Sequoia: I think that's why there is actually a good amount of Theodore not slash Luna Lovegood fanfiction that exists.
Kim: [Oh of realization]. Interesting.
Sequoia: That's where the basis comes from.
Kim: Okay. Neat.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yea, yea, yeah. He's got a back story that was kind of absolutely never mentioned, but he had one.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or a rough amount.
Sequoia: Because I was like, "I don't remember when we knew this."
Kim: Yeah. I don't know. I don't know when we got it, but we got it at some point.
Sequoia: "No, haven't seen a soul." Theodore answered, returning his gaze back to his book in an offhanded manner.
Kim: I just don't understand why- Never mind, continue. Zach is grumpy, but why would he may be chasing Luna?
Sequoia: Because he's-
Kim: It's fine, continue.
Sequoia: -A werewolf.
Kim: He's not a werewolf.
Sequoia: He didn't know why he was doing the odd girl a favor. He just did for some reason.
Kim: I mean, fuck, Zack. That's enough of a reason.
Sequoia: Exactly. Yeah. And this shitty Hufflepuff. [Kim snickers] He felt Smith's suspicious gaze rest on him for a while before the blond finally walked off, muttering something about haughty Slytherins and blabbermouth Ravenclaws. Well. ]He was well out the door before Lovegood crawled out from her hiding. She stood up and dusted off her robes before saying: "Thank you for not telling on me." I like how she... I like to imagine that she was just laying, like, face down.
Kim: Definitely.
Sequoia: Like spread out.
Kim: As flat as she could make herself. [Both chuckling]
Sequoia: Facedown behind the bookcase.
Kim: Weird, I like it.
Sequoia: Theodore put down his book once more and looked at her curiously. "Dare I ask why he was tracking you?"
Kim: Uh oh, he's getting invested. Mm hmm.
Sequoia: Just let it be. "Well, he wasn't too pleased about me diagnosing him with Loser's Lurgy. [Kim wheezes] I believe he's in the denial phase of the disease." She stated matter of factly. [Both laughing].
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: I feel like if there's like one non-Slytherin person for Luna to walk up to and be like you have Loser's Lurgy. It's probably Zach Smith. Like, don't do that.
Kim: Yeah. Oh, Zach.
Sequoia: "Loser's Lurgy?" Theodore repeated puzzled. He considered himself a rather educated young man, but he had never heard of this. But wait, wasn't Loveggood known for spinning the most absolutely preposterous tales?
Kim: It's all coming together for Theo.
Sequoia: He's remembering his-.
Kim: He's having a memory. [Sequoia dissolving into laughter] That's apparently very difficult.
Sequoia: Oh man, he was just very invested in his book. Sure. And you know what? Here's the thing. It looks like he's reading the Divine Comedy, but really, he's got an X-Men comic book hidden inside of it.
Kim: Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Yes, definitely.
Sequoia: And he's just walking around, being like, "I am an intellectual."
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: "Well, it happens when-".
"Never mind." He interrupted, not wanting you to hear the ridiculous theory behind it. "Aren't you Theodore Nott?" She asked, sitting down at his table, across from him.
Kim: Oh no, Theo, you've fucked up. You engaged with it?
Sequoia: You engaged, you made this. What nerve. "How observant of you." He muttered. Picking up his book again. This is a valid question, she can sit down and be like, "Aren't you Theodore Nott?" It took you like-.
Kim: Ten minutes.
Sequoia: -15 minutes. And Zach Smith coming in and telling you her name.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For you to remember who she was.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Nice one. "You can see the Thestrals too, can't you? Hmm. Hagrid told me you could."
Kim: Why is Hagrid being a snitch about it? Hagrid? That's super personal information.
Sequoia: That is very personal information. How did he know it?
Kim: But, I mean, I feel like professors are, like, really bad about sharing the deepest, darkest, most personal things about students in front of everyone. Boggart lesson.
Sequoia: Yeah, valid. Slash, also, let's be real about Hagrid. Don't tell him anything.
Kim: Yeah. True. Fine. Yes. Correct.
Sequoia: He's probably just like Luna was, like feeding the Thestrals, and Hagrid was like, "Boop de doo. Oh, here's a list of all the other students [Kim laughing] who can see Thestrals."
Kim: Oh, yikes. Yeah.
Sequoia: Great. Now, that fool of a giant was gossiping about the private affairs of students.
Kim: That's. Yes, valid. Valid complaint.
Sequoia: "Did he now?" He asked. A slight tic appearing in his jaw.
“I can, too.".
"Isn't that bloody marvelous?".
"So who did you see die?"
Kim: Yikes!
Sequoia: She just is asking...
Kim: Wow! Yup, fine. Just spit that out.
Sequoia: Just go ahead and ask away.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: I feel like Luna is not this.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Like, blind to.
Kim: No, no, no, no.
Sequoia: Social.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's not.
Sequoia: Stuff.
Kim: She's really not.
Sequoia: "If I answer that, will you leave me alone?" He questioned, irritable.
Kim: You could just leave.
Sequoia: "I suppose.".
"My mother," Theodore started, looking at her over his book.
"Was she pretty?"
Kim: [Both laughing] No, she was hideous!
Sequoia: What? [Sing-song voice] This is a weird line of questioning! "I thought you were going to leave me alone after I answered your last question."
"I never said I would. I said, I suppose," she pointed out, "but I changed my mind." He sighs.
Kim: Nope, that's nothing, that's nothing.
Sequoia: [mocking, child voice] I said maybe! [Both cackle] "Why are you asking me all of these ridiculous yet personal questions?"
"You're the only person in this school that saw their mother die as well. So I'm curious."
"Oh."
Kim: Yikes!
Sequoia: He murmured, feeling a slight tinge of empathy despite himself. "But what does that question about my mother being pretty have to do with it?"
Kim: Yeah. That's that was another question.
Sequoia: "Because you're pretty."
Kim: Pfft. [Practicing scales of laughter].
Sequoia: She is very direct... Very direct. Listen.
Kim: [Kim trying to catch her breathe].
Sequoia: [Sequoia laughing at her]
Kim: Fucking weird! I like it.
Sequoia: "I think you're pretty, so I asked if your dead mom was pretty." [Giggling]. What's happening?
Sequoia: Did she actually say that? Or was his imagination working up? In any case, he felt his cheeks heat just a tad. "So, was she pretty?" She asked, after a small, uncomfortable silence.
Kim: No, she was fucking hideous.
Sequoia: I got my grandmother's genes.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It skipped a generation!
Kim: Okay, fine. That was nothing.
Sequoia: Or, well Theodore thought it was uncomfortable.
Kim: No, that's, yeah.
Sequoia: No, it was uncomfortable.
Kim: It was uncomfortable.
Sequoia: It was uncomfortable. "I suppose."
"What did she look like?"
"Well. Uh.” He couldn't quite bring himself to bully her away. "Well, uh, you're so- you're loony!"
Kim: "You're mom's dead!" [Both laughing] That's what Draco would say in this situation.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's exactly what Draco would say.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Just- [laughs].
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: "I remember she had pale blue eyes. Kind of like you. She reminded me of winter, but she was warmer than winter. And she smelled like rain." He just has a very-
Kim: He's very poetic.
Sequoia: -Poetic way of speaking.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: He, he's very um...
Kim: Yeah, that's consistent through this story. I would say. How does a person...
Sequoia: She was warmer than winter.
Kim: How does a person...How does a person smell like-?
Sequoia: She was constantly standing in the rain.
Kim: She was just very wet.
Sequoia: "She sounds lovely," she stated, smiling as she placed her elbows on the table and cupped her face. "You have pretty eyes." She stated, as if it was clear as crystal. "You don't call me Loony. Why?"
Kim: I mean, he hasn't addressed you by name yet.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: So, it could still be coming.
Sequoia: "I don't know. I'm not a prejudice idiot, I suppose."
Kim: [Cracking up] You did... He literally called Hermione a mudblood at the beginning of the story.
Sequoia: Yeah. That was like lit-
Kim: One of the first things he said.
Sequoia: But. But... Nope.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: "You must have gotten that from your mother."
"And why do you think that?"
"Because your father is one of the Dark Lord's followers, which means he wants to kill Muggles, and that makes him prejudice."
Kim: Whoo! Spicy!
Sequoia: She just like, coming out the gate!
Kim: Wow, she's coming at him hard! Is Nott Sr one of the people that they fought against at the Department of Mystery's fight? I think he was.
Sequoia: Oh, I think so.
Kim: Luna may have fought Theo's father.
Sequoia: Theo's dad. [Both cackling] I like how she's taking him through it. Like, she's, like, has to walk him through it. And she's like-
Kim: Yeah, yea, yea, yeah.
Sequoia: "Well, did you know-"
Kim: "Well, your dad fucking sucks!"
Sequoia: "Did you know that wanting to kill all Muggles makes you prejudiced?" [Both cracking up]
Kim: [Through snickering] Just, shit.
Sequoia: She's got like sock puppets. She's like-
Kim: [High, educational cartoon voice] "This is what prejudice is, kids!" [Sequoia laughing]
Sequoia: "You have a point." He said, surprised at the girl's clever reasoning.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No [dissolving into laughter].
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He's just pretending to be an intellectual. He doesn't know what happening!
Kim: He's not actually smart, oh, yeah. That's why all of his, like, metaphors are bizarre.
Sequoia: -Are weird. Yeah. That's why he's got the X-Man comic in his book. [Kim cackling]
Sequoia: "Why aren't you mean to me?"
Kim: I mean, he's not been nice.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean. I guess he hasn't stolen all your stuff and hid it from you yet.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But.. "Aren't you direct?" He said, smiling slightly. [Kim snorts] You hadn't got that already?
"It's just, I know you're angry and bitter, yet you're nicer and more open minded than most people. I want to know why." [Kim breathily laughing]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She just called him angry and bitter to his face!
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] What is happening?
Sequoia: Some stuff. "You went through the same thing as me, Lovegood." Theodore said softly, as if telling a secret. "I can't bring myself to be cruel to you."
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: "That's about the nicest thing I've heard in a long time." [Kim breathing loudly and exaggeratedly] Luna said, smiling brightly.
"Well, it was my pleasure, I suppose."
Kim: [groans, then laughs awkwardly]
Sequoia: That's... That wasn't-.
Kim: I'm uncomfortable
Sequoia: I don't think that was nice.
Kim: None of that was nice.
Sequoia: I don't think that was nice.
Kim: Nope, none of that was nice.
Sequoia: "I should go find Ginny now." Luna stated, standing up.
"Good bye, Lovegood." Theodore said in a friendly way.
Kim: [Doubtfully] Uh huh.
Sequoia: "You can call me Luna if you like." She said again, with a dreamy smile. "Bye, Theodore." She said, not bothering to ask for his permission to use his first name.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sure. And before she walked off, she kissed him on the cheek.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: As if he was an old friend, leaving Theodore quite dumbfounded.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: But she didn't notice. Oh, no. She was too preoccupied with thoughts of Ginny's expression when she told her that not all Slytherins were pure evil. [Kim snorts] Well, come to think about it, maybe that would make an interesting article for The Quibbler. [Kim giggling] She could see the headlines now; An In-Depth Report by L. Lovegood: Not All Slytherins are Truly Evil, it's a Hoax!
Kim: [Breathelessly, still giggling] Shit.
Sequoia: The end! [Both giggling] Theo! [Drawing out the O]
Kim: Oh, that was some good like secondary, tertiary character fic. I like those a lot actually.
Sequoia: Yeah, me too.
Kim: I like it when it's just a bunch of, like, nobody's, hanging out-
Sequoia: Yeah. Mm hmm.
Kim: And doing some shit.
Sequoia: And diving behind bookcases [Kim giggling], face first into the carpet.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Reading X-Men comics.
Kim: You know how close I was to predicting that the entire story would take place in the library? I was this close.
Sequoia: Oh, really? Dang. [Kim sighs in regret] I mean, okay, so here's the thing-
Kim: No, all of my predictions are wrong.
Sequoia: Luna Lovegood's not the main.
Kim: No, she's not... I was so close.
Sequoia: You were so close.
Kim: If I just said it instead of saying some stupid shit. [Sequoia laughs] No, nothing I said was bad.
Sequoia: Nothing you said was bad. I feel like you made predictions that you felt were going to like they were encompass more stuff. Yeah.
Kim: That were broad enough. Yeah. I don't know. The location based ones are kind of I don't know.
Sequoia: Iffy?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. You were very close. [Kim groans loudly] This game is hard!
Kim: I was actually... The Luna guess was close.
Sequoia: It was very close.
Kim: Well, they put random in the title.
Sequoia: Oh, that's how you got there.
Kim: Made me think of Luna. But... anyway.
Sequoia: All right...
Kim: Zach was there. That makes me happy.
Sequoia: He was there! [Chuckling]
Kim: Present, being an asshole.
Sequoia: Being an asshole, and then he left.
Kim: Okay. All right. I tried.
Sequoia: Excellent. Now it's time for:
Both: A Quick Fics.
Kim: For my quick fic today, I read a story where Snape and Dumbledore are having a very serious conversation. Snape is like coming out to Dumbledore as a vampire.
Sequoia: [Intrigued] Oh.
Kim: And Dumbledore was like, "Wow, that explains a lot about how weird you are." [Both laugh].
Sequoia: Does it?
Kim: And Snape's like, "Yeah, I'm a vampire. I take potions to control my bloodlust." [Sequoia makes an uneasy noise, then laughs] And Dumbledore's like, "Did you get bitten as a child?" And Snape's like, "No, I was [dissolving into laughter] born a vampire."
Sequoia: Oh, wow.
Kim: And Dumbledore's like, "I'm pretty sure that's not possible" and Snape's like "I did." And they had this, like, very serious conversation. And then at the end of it, Snape turns into a bat and goes and flies around the Hogwarts grounds and catches Harry out of bed.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: And just like, appears behind Harry. And Harry's like, "How does Snape always catch me?"
Sequoia: Oh, my God.
Kim: And I was like, "Yes! I've yelled about this exact thing!" Anyway, I liked it a lot, actually, but it was kind of short and silly.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And the vampire stuff is a little weird, [Sequoia laughing] but I felt like I had speculated about that exact thing as a kid.
Sequoia: That Snape being a vampire?
Kim: Yeah. [Long pause].
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: And that he could turn into a bat.
Sequoia: Wow. That never crossed my mind!
Kim: Because I feel like Ron... People call him an overgrown bat a lot.
Sequoia: [Understandingly] Oh.
Kim: I thought he was a vampire, made sense.
Sequoia: I see. I see where you were going with that.
Kim: And then he catches Harry out of bed! [Both dissolve into chuckles].
Sequoia: Whoo, that's good.
Kim: It's funny!
Sequoia: I don't like it as much as the one we came up with.
Kim: That there's a spell that he has that teleports him to wherever someone's being an idiot? Yeah, that's obviously what it is. [Sequoia luaghing]
Sequoia: Excellent. Thank you for that Quick Fic.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And now we are entering:.
Both: The Rec Zone! [Singing that Sequoia: morphs into Kiss from a Rose]
Kim: Oh, fuck man.
Sequoia: [laughs victoriously].
Kim: [Crumpling paper noise, tossed away with a thud] Fuck you! Shit.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: What do you have for us today, [Sequoia laughing] you a piece of shit?
Sequoia: Oh, I'm sorry. Whoo. Okay. [Both laugh breathily] So, what I have [dissolving into giggles] for you today- sorry I can't. I wanted to keep going with some, like, rando Slytherin stuff.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: So my recommendation today is called A Passing Engagement. And it's about how Andromeda Black and Lucius Malfoy were once engaged. They had an arranged marriage.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: And they're just like chatting about it.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: And I was like, "What is this?" And I opened it being like, "Wow, this is going to be some crazy shit." And then it wasn't.
Kim: It was really good?
Sequoia: It was just like really interesting.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And I was like, "Wow, I love it when that happens."
Kim: Yeah, I think it's interesting how I mean, I can see why it's done, but so frequently in fanfic, purebloods arrange marriages.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's so often... Interesting. Yeah, yeah, I like that concept, I think.
Sequoia: It's very interesting because they're both just kind of like, "Yeah. This is not really going to happen."
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: But they're, like, discussing it. And how, like their parents... I don't know. It's very. It's very interesting.
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: The link for that will be in the description. Also, on our website is a list of all of our recommendations.
Kim: Yes, that's at fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Wow, good job. [Laughs] Also on our website, at fanaticalfics.com, you can find our story submission form. We are about to hit 350 submitted stories.
Kim: That's terrifying to me. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: So just keep sending them to us, I guess, here we go!
Kim: No, they're good. They're great. You all are so good at finding stuff.
Sequoia: And tailoring it to who you send it to.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We appreciate it.
Kim: Yep. [Pause] Also on our website, you can find some merch!
Sequoia: We've got bookmarks, posters, stickers on our website and on our Tee public, we have a whole bunch more shit.
Kim: Yep. And they're different designs between the two websites. To some extent.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So check that out.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: I mean, the bookmarks only on-
Both: Our website.
Sequoia: And Ambivalent Pearl stuff is only on our website.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: You can also find us-.
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: Yeah. Well, sorry that it's a mess. We're trying...
Kim: Someday it won't be.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Nope, that's not true.
Sequoia: Nope. [laughs]
Kim: It's always going to be a disaster. It's us.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook at Fanatical Fics.
Kim: If you have any longer thoughts to send us, do email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Also, send your hold for the end submissions.
Sequoia: Mm hmm.
Kim: And your address, if you want to join the campaign.
Sequoia: Speaking of helping us out by doing stuff like joining the campaign, you can also leave us a review. We will shout you out at the top of the episode.
Kim: Someday!
Sequoia: Someday. We're back in, like June, still.
Kim: Yeah, no we're in July.
Sequoia: We got to July! Nice, solid.
Kim: Woo! You can also help us out by telling your friends.
Sequoia: Mmm hmm, the campaign tools, you don't have to have them.
Kim: But if you do! Hand them to your-
Both: Cashier.
Kim: With Harry Potter tattoos.
Sequoia: Yes! Yes! That was very good! Thank you for that one, Rachel. Also, you can support us on Patreon, our Discord is doing shit like writing some gay Dementor fanfic. So, like-
Kim: Come look at that!
Sequoia: Come participate in whatever we're doing there!
Kim: If you feel like that's your scene.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Those are your people. They're great people.
Sequoia: They're great people. We're having so much fun.
Kim: They're really great people and I like them all so much.
Sequoia: Also, if you're a patron after six months, we shout out on the podcast by doing a bit.
Kim: How about you start us out, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Draco is having a capital 'B' bad day [Kim wheezes] and he's got absolutely no one to talk to about it. Crabbe and Goyle are still in their honeymoon phase, [Kim laughs joyfully] probably snogging in a broom closet somewhere. And Blaise is rehearsing her one woman show. So Draco decides to take a melancholy walk around the lake. When he spies the Finnish exchange student Aalaa having a picnic. Will they let Draco join their picnic? Will Draco finally make a new friend? [Kim snickers]
Kim: I feel like you're writing, like your summaries are writing a story about Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: [slightly scolding] Sequoia...
Sequoia: [Cracking up] About Draco's life?
Kim: You're writing one story. [Sequoia laughing] And it's great!
Sequoia: Yeah. I love doing these summaries so much.
Kim: All right, it's my turn. [Dramatic, overly enunciated] I can't believe I'm stuck with you, Potter. This school trip to Belgium was supposed to be fun. And now you've gotten us lost. [Sequoia laughs] That Sam person told us the hotel is close, so where are you going? My father will hear about this.
Sequoia: Very good.
Kim: Thank you so much for supporting us, patrons. We love you all. And, we also love the Whomping Willows [Sequoia laughing] for allowing us to use our theme song. It's Wolfstar.
Both: Bye!
Sequoia: [sings to the rhythm of Kiss From a Rose].
Kim: No! [Both laughing, unable to stop]