Episode 60: Seduced (Feat. Goblet of Wine)
Today we’ve got the absolutely amazing Hannah and Charlie from the Goblet of Wine podcast joining us for some something!
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Stacy
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: My nose itches REALLY badly right now. What do I do?
Sequoia: Itch it! [muffled noises] Oh, are you doing it into the microphone? [Kim snorts with laughter] I… okay. Somehow… I dunno how this podcast changed into an ASMR podcast. Every fucking cold open has to be listen to this fucking thing I’m doing into the microphone. Did anyone want that?
Kim [laughing] Where’s my pop filter? [Sequoia laughs loudly]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: We’re going to be joined by some guests in just a minute here, but first we wanted to get through some stuff. We wanted to talk about some stuff.
Kim: Yeah! Our second livestream is coming up real soon! It’s gonna be on November twenty third at eleven am our time, which is Mountain Time.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: The time of the mountains.
Sequoia: Yes. We live within the mountains. So yeah, come to our livestream. If you are a Patron, you have access to the livestream, and we will be doing a livestreamed full episode, reading you some fanfic. Last time was really fun because people were, like, interacting with us. Like, there was a whole chat going.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And you make predictions live with us. That’s really fun.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: So if you’re a Patron at the $7 or $10 level, you get access to our livestream.
Kim: Come hang out with us! Twenty third!
Sequoia: Woot woot! Also, another thing we wanted to talk about. Oh wow, do our listeners roast us! [Kim snickers] Y’all got us so good! On Twitter. Twice. In this past, like, week. [Kim sighs] Shouts to Mariah, who tweeted and was like…
Kim: It hurts so much. I don’t wanna talk about it.
Sequoia: [laughs] And was, like… she pointed out how we are so bad at the game, we’re like, wow, we’re so bad at this game, we never get any points, lol RIP us, and then we also made the game harder! We’re like this game is too easy! And then we made it harder.
Kim: I think in…
Sequoia: What… what’s wrong with us?
Kim: In our defence, we were following those rules the whole time. We just weren’t saying them out loud.
Sequoia: Yeah, we were following those rules most of the time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But also, yeah, boom, roasted. Thanks. [Kim sighs] [Sequoia laughs] And then one of our new rules got roasted. Sierra was like, I’m gonna roast your new rule by guessing that Hope Springs Eternal doesn’t have any water features in it.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: [laughs] And it fucking didn’t! [Kim sighs] [laughing] So she got a point AND roasted us! [laughs] [Kim sighs again] Oh, you guys are so good! Oh man.
Kim: I mean, it’s not all of the listeners being mean to us. We got some really cute fanart of us as well, on Instagram.
Sequoia: We did! On Instagram, somebody tagged us.
Kim: So that was nice!
Sequoia: That was nice.
Kim: Some of our listeners are nice.
Sequoia: We like the nice stuff, and we also like being roasted.
Kim: [laughs] We deserve it.
Sequoia: We deserve it, so keep up the good work in both departments.
Kim: Everybody. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We haven’t gotten around to reviews in a while, because we’ve had so much shit to talk about.
Kim: We just had to yell about all our new friends from LeakyCon.
Sequoia: [mutters wordlessly] So here’s the thing, here we go.
Kim: Shout out to nss005 who says they listen when they’re feeling down and work feels unbearable. And I really genuinely love getting feedback like this. It really makes me happy to know that we are spreading happiness along with silly fanfiction.
Sequoia: Wow, that was… really heartfelt. Okay, um… ugh!
Kim: I told you! I… that took me, like, five minutes to like figure out how to say something nice.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: When I was trying to figure it out.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: Shout out to Marlea Evans who says that they love the bants, which is great because we’re made up mostly of the bants, and we actually cannot stop, even off mic.
Kim: [laughs] Yup. It’s true, we’re unbearable.
Sequoia: We are unbearable.
Kim: Shout out to Poopsmoothie, who I’m pretty sure has left a review before.
Sequoia: Great. Yup.
Kim: Let’s go again! They say… that their review simply says, “It’s good stuff.” [Sequoia laughs] And I’d like to say back that you’re good stuff…
Sequoia: Oh good!
Kim: ...Poopsmoothie.
Sequoia: Shout out to Mia Lupin, who was embarrassed to note that they know some of the fics… they knew some of the fics beforehand.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Which they shouldn’t be embarrassed about because we only read the top shelf crazy shit. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Congratulations on finding the good stuff.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Back in the day or whenever. Shout out to Da bexter, who says they’re going to start reading and writing fanfic again because of the podcast.
Sequoia: Fuck yeah!
Kim: Yes! Do that, and then send it to us.
Sequoia: Shout out to natskremer who says that our friendship is a joy to listen to. [Kim snickers] And we just hope that the rest of our friends feel the same way when we incessantly talk about the podcast.
Kim: We are like this…
Both: ...all the time.
Kim: This is not… we’re not playing characters.
Both: This is it!
Kim: This is what our friends get.
Sequoia: All the time.
Kim: Pity them!
Sequoia: Whoo. Thanks for leaving us reviews, everyone. We are, you know, roughly, like, five months behind on shouting them out. We will get to everyone’s reviews eventually. So make sure you leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook and we will shout you out at some time on this podcast.
Kim: Yup. [both laugh]
Sequoia: All right, and now it’s time to introduce our very special guests!
Kim: I’m so excited you’re here!
Sequoia: Welcome to the show, the Goblet of Wine girls! It’s Charlie and Hannah!
Charlie and Hannah: Hi!
Hannah: How’s anyone going to tell the difference between us?
Charlie: Oh god. This is like a genuine issue and, like, one of our number one bits of feedback in the listener survey was like who is who? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: How do we tell people?
Charlie: I’m Charlie.
Hannah: And I’m Hannah. [everyone laughs] And we both sound British, it’s great!
Charlie: Yeah, no one will know.
Kim: I mean, I can tell you apart, but I am looking at you. [everyone laughs]
Charlie: See, we usually say that, like, if someone’s being like, sarcastic, swearing, or making a dick joke, it’s Charlie. If someone’s being really fucking nerdy about, like, a difference between two different editions of the book and a spelling error in the book, then it’s Hannah, but I don’t think that will come up as much for this.
Hannah: No, funnily enough I’m not sure it will make an appearance.
Sequoia: I love it!
Kim: How ‘bout you talk about a little bit about your podcast for anyone who’s not familiar with it.
Hannah: Great. So it’s terrible.
Charlie: Stop!
Kim: Wow, no!
Charlie: So basically…
Kim: I recently went on and it was amazing, I’m sorry.
Charlie: Ah! Thank you, you’ve got very low standards. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I was in the middle of taking a sip of my tea. That was rude. [everyone laughs]
Charlie: So… yeah, so basically, we’re two British girls and we get drunk and we reread Harry Potter.
Hannah: Yeah, we’re basically rereading the books from an adult perspective. The kind of idea is rereading, looking at things we missed out for when we were a kid, and just taking a more cynical but alcoholic approach to it?
Charlie: Wait… what?
Hannah: Yeah.
Charlie: We try and be a balance between like actually making, like, good, like, actual important points…
Hannah: Yeah.
Charlie: ...and then just drunken chaos.
Hannah: Dick jokes.
Charlie: Yeah.
Hannah: Yep.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: So if that… that’s… wow. I just stumbled a lot. Edit that bit. [everyone laughs]
Charlie: We know words.
Sequoia: Ah, the editing is in my hands now! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh no. That’s actually something that’s very scary about going on another podcast. You’re like, if I say something stupid right now…
Sequoia: They could just leave it in.
Kim: ...they could just leave it in!
Sequoia: And I might.
Charlie: Oh yeah, for sure. ‘Cause like half of our podcast, like, unedited is like me just being like, Hannah don’t include that, I just said some very personal information. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: My social security number is… [everyone laughs] I’m not gonna say my social security number, dude, that was a joke!
Kim: Aww. [everyone laughs] I was gonna steal your… mon…
Sequoia & Kim: Money? Money? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I don’t have money.
Kim: Oh dear.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, excellent. Well, we do have some guest questions that we ask to all of our guests.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: So we’ll go ahead and do that. We’re gonna start out with your Hogwarts houses.
Hannah: Okay. I… I feel like I have to remind everyone, this is Hannah speaking.
Charlie: Yup.
Hannah: So I’m a Gryffindor.
Charlie: Mhm. And, Charlie, I am a Slytherin.
Kim: Nice! That’s a great combo!
Sequoia: Excellent. Yeah, I got stuck with this, like, shitty Hufflepuff. [everyone laughs] Not even… [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: Not even a nice one!
Sequoia: Not even a nice Hufflepuff. A shitty Hufflepuff. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh, rude. Whatever.
Sequoia: You say that all the time! I’m not allowed to say it?
Kim: I can say that about myself. [laughter] Oh, no. It’s true, it’s true. What is your experience with fanfiction?
Charlie: So I don’t read a lot of fanfiction now, because honestly, it cringes me out. Like…
Kim: That’s fair.
Charlie: My… and I mean that in a loving way where, like, I love fanfiction and I think it’s amazing, it’s just that my, like, embarrassment filter is like so low I die of embarrassment of anything. But saying that, I did unfortunately write some fanfiction. I wrote two incomplete stories when I was thirteen?
Kim: Nice.
Charlie: Is that the age we were at?
Hannah: You look at me like we know… knew each other then.
Charlie: I rely on you to remember things.
Hannah: Right.
Charlie: So when I was thirteen I did write two fanfiction stories. They’re, like, so, so bad. Awful. I made the mistake of reading one of them live at a convention that we did and it was the single most embarrassing thing that I’ve ever done.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Very good.
Charlie: We do actually have that live as a bonus episode if anyone is curious to go hear that. It is potentially My Immortal level sort of awful.
Hannah: It is. I thought it was satire.
Charlie: Yeah. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] We… we had to prove to people… we had to give people the link to be like we’re not just making this up.
Hannah: We published…
Charlie: Yeah, I genuinely did say that Nickleback was my favorite song, like… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Oh, wow! That’s incredibly brave, and incredibly funny. Was it… it was Harry Potter fanfiction specifically?
Charlie: Oh… oh yeah, big time.
Hannah: It was Draco and original character.
Kim: Yass!
Sequoia: Hell yes!
Kim: Very good, very good.
Charlie: Original character which was like… the original character was basically me mixed with the girl that I had a crush on, mixed with… basically the woman from Cursed Child, that came out many, many years later.
Kim: Oh, amazing.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: So good. Oh! [laughs] Very good.
Hannah: Around a similar age, I was also reading fanfiction. I did a… a bit of writing, but like, really like short things, and I was… oh, I’m such a twat. I had this thing when I was like fourteen…
Charlie: Oh, do you guys mind swearing?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No
Kim: I… I can’t… I’m not allowed to go on other podcasts ‘cause I keep saying the fuck word.
Hannah: The fuck word is fine!
Sequoia: I can’t let her go on…
Kim: We went on… we went on the bonus episode of Mugglecast, and I had to get bleeped! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Oh no! Oh also, twat is a completely different word in England and America, isn’t it? Should I not say that? Sorry, can I check?
Charlie: How rude is twat in America, ‘cause it’s not that rude over here.
Kim: It’s not a word that we say.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s fine.
Hannah: Oh, good. Okay. I’ll say it then. Great! Yeah, I was that, like, ugh, such a twat fourteen year old who was like, um, I only like fanfiction that’s canon, so… um… [Kim and Sequoia laugh loudly]
Kim: That was me. That was me.
Hannah: So if that gives you an insight into me as a teenager. But that… that’s mostly what I read. I then like stopped at the age probably everyone stops at. Probably, like, I don’t know, like sixteen. Like, oh my god, this is the most uncool thing in the world. And then because of you guys’ podcast I have started going back and reading some old stuff because…
Kim: Nice
Hannah: it’s just… it’s just so good, going back. It’s just so good.
Kim: It is. It really is.
Sequoia: That’s all we ever really want to inspire in anyone, really.
Kim: I… I’d also like to inspire people to write.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let’s be… let’s be totally honest.
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah, absolutely.
Kim: That’s cool.
Sequoia: That… that episode where you read a fanfiction, that’s on, like, your regular feed?
Charlie: Yeah.
Hannah: It is, yes.
Charlie: Unfortunately.
Hannah: Yeah. [laughter]
Sequoia: Yeah. I was like, I think I’m pretty sure I’ve listened to that. Like ninety percent sure.
Hannah: Oh no, wait, is it?
Kim: You have two?
Hannah: Is it?
Kim: Do you have two episodes of you reading?
Hannah: Oh no, it isn’t. No, it’s a Patreon exclusive, but it’s been about a month now so it’s time for it to go up soon.
Charlie: No, we do need to put it on the main feed. It isn’t yet, it’s on Patreon. But I think I… did I send you guys a link? I can’t remember. Who knows? I don’t remember who I am!
Hannah: But it will be going up. It was a Patreon early access…
Charlie: Yeah.
Hannah: ...so it will be going up on our main feed sometime when we sort out our own schedule.
Kim: Nice! Very exciting.
Charlie: Who knows? Who knows?
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: So. What is your OTP? Not necessarily Harry Potter, but this is a Harry Potter podcast. [laughs]
Hannah: Well, in the…
Sequoia: What the hell was that?
Hannah: Well, in the spirit of me only liking canon stuff as a child, I just… Ron and Hermione. I’m so sorry. I’m so boring.
Charlie: But it’s also because she’s basically the love child of Ron and Hermione. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Awww.
Charlie: She’s like a cross between them. Even like down to your hair cut, like, and color.
Hannah: It’s true.
Charlie: It’s just the way you are. She’s incredibly bookish, but also with that kind of like…
Hannah: Sarcastic humor.
Charlie: Ron stubbornness, I was gonna say.
Hannah: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. I was hoping for compliments. You go! Say your OTP.
Charlie: My Harry Potter OTP is Harry and Luna.
Sequoia: Ohhhh!
Kim: Oh nice! That’s a good one.
Sequoia: That’s a good one. I like that.
Kim: That’s a very cute pairing.
Charlie: I feel like I got a dirty look then. [laughs]
Kim: Nice. Nice. What. Is. Your… this is the most important question.
Sequoia: Okay, this is… yeah. I really… I really want you to look deep inside.
Hannah: Oh, there’s too much pressure.
Sequoia: Into your soul.
Charlie: Oh no.
Sequoia: And, like, really feel the answer to this question. What is your Draco true pairing?
Charlie: Am I allowed to say Draco and me in my fanfiction, ‘cause… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yes! Yes, you are! Valid answer.
Sequoia: Yeah, you are, totally!
Charlie: Okay, then that, yeah.
Hannah: Oh, well my answer’s just shit now ‘cause I was trying to think of it, and all I could think of is Draco and the apple.
Kim: [snorts] Oh, Drapple.
Hannah: And then I suppose, like, for actual reading purposes, Drinny? I guess?
Sequoia: Ahhhh. That’s a good answer.
Kim: Drinny! Nice. Yeah, that’s a good one.
Charlie: What about Draco and the moment that Voldemort awkwardly hugs him? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Just endless fanfictions about that moment.
Charlie: Mhm.
Sequoia: Oh no. I can’t. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Yikes.
Kim: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Excellent. Those are all of… those are all of our questions!
Kim: That’s it. That’s it. That’s all you get.
Sequoia: Those were great answers.
Kim: Thank you so much.
Hannah: Now people know how terrible we are.
Sequoia: So here’s the thing. It’s time for you to make some predictions.
Hannah: Oh no.
Kim: Yes.
Charlie: Great.
Sequoia: Are you ready?
Kim: You as… you as well, listeners.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: There are other people we’re talking to.
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah! It’s time for everyone to make predictions. If you’re listening to the episode, tweet them at us, do @ us @FanaticalFics, #FanficDivination.
Kim: If you’re one of our Patrons, post them on the Discord, and also tweet them or draw them, I guess.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Are we still talking about drawing them?
Sequoia: No, we’re not! We’re done!
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: You shut that joke down last time!
Kim: Did I? Well, I made it today.
Sequoia: Goddamn it. [everyone laughs]
Kim: All right. Here is your three clues. Clue number one, the title is Seduced.
Sequoia: No!
Charlie: Oh no!
Kim: This story came out January, two thousand… right before Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: F… great.
Kim: And the genre is romance and humor.
Sequoia: Fuck you.
Hannah: [laughing] Oh my god!
Sequoia: All right, here I go. My three predictions. This fanfic is Harry/Cho Chang.
Kim: [whispering] Yes! [laughs] Sorry.
Sequoia: This fanfic, the seduction happens in the Room of Requirement.
Kim: Uh… book four.
Sequoia: Oh, shit. Damn it! I always do this. [laughter] I always say Luna Lovegood in like book four.
Kim: You haven’t done that in a few years!
Sequoia: I know. Oh. The seduction happens in the astronomy tower.
Kim: Great.
Hannah: Ooohhh!
Sequoia: And… the… let’s see. The said seduction is interrupted by a professor.
Kim: Nice! Those were good.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Hannah: Okay.
Charlie: Okay, I’m gonna predict that the seduction is between… Harry and Ginny.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Nice.
Hannah: Ooh, early!
Charlie: I’m going to predict that… Ginny is very much wearing the pants. Does that count? Is that too vague? [laughter]
Kim: I mean, you can predict that.
Sequoia: You can say… you could say…
Kim: You can predict that.
Sequoia: I would say, if she… you could say that she, like, initiates the seduction.
Hannah: Yeah!
Sequoia: Like, she’s doing the seducing.
Hannah: That would make more sense as a way to phrase it.
Kim: Do you wanna… do you wanna say Ginny does it? [laughter] Or? It’s very specific, is all I’m saying.
Sequoia: Or you… well no, because…
Kim: All right. I won’t stop you.
Sequoia: You can do whatever you want.
Kim: I won’t stop you.
Charlie: I’m gonna say that the Weasley twins… I dunno, cock block.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Nice.
Hannah: Great. I’m gonna wish things into existence and say it’s Ron and Hermione. [laughter]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Hannah: I’m gonna say, somehow this story involves some sort of like, mishap around food?
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Cool.
Hannah: I don’t quite know what I mean by that yet. [everyone laughs]
Kim: We’ll figure it out.
Charlie: Like a sexual mishap?
Hannah: No, not like a sexual mishap! [everyone still laughing] Like, food as like a… a tool to… [laughs]
Charlie: This isn’t sounding any less sexual.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is great!
Charlie: Are we talking like whipped cream?
Hannah: [still laughing] No! As like a… I don’t know what I mean, okay?! [everyone laughs] Basically, if they eat some food, I’m gonna say I’ve got a point. No, I’m joking. [everyone laughs] And I’m gonna say that the seduction happens by the lake.
Kim: Nice!
Charlie: Oh! Romantic!
Kim: All right. These are all very good tries. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Wow. Fuck right off. [laughs]
Kim: Let’s get into this shit.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: [valley girl voice] I cannot believe that I’m about to do this. I mean, I know James dared me and all… [Charlie, Hannah and Sequoia groan loudly] [Kim laughs] Got ‘em!
Sequoia: Shit!
Hannah: Damn it!
Kim: Got ‘em!
Sequoia: There goes everyone’s predictions.
Kim: Sorry. Sorry, not sorry! I mean, I know James dared me and all, and he knows I can never turn down a dare, but still. This has to be the hardest thing I will have ever done. I mean, who can seduce James Potter?
Sequoia: [pause] Wait, what?
Kim: Okay, this… this story. This story!
Hannah: I’m already crying.
Kim: James Potter has bet Lily that she can’t seduce him.
Hannah: Wha… hold on. [laughter] James Potter himself…
Kim: Yes.
Hanna: ...has bet that this person cannot seduce James Potter?
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Hannah: Cool. Charlie, can you get me a tissue, ‘cause I’m already crying. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Thank you, dear.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. Like, what a move. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: What a way to get someone to seduce you!
Kim: Oh, wow.
Charlie: At the end of the day, like, he’s a teenage boy. He’s gonna be very fucking easy to seduce.
Kim: Right!
Sequoia: Right, okay, so here’s the thing. I think… I… what the bet is is that she won’t be able to stomach it. [everyone laughs] Like, she will literally not be able to do it. [Kim laughs]
Hannah: Is this literally the story of how they ended up together?
Charlie: Yeah.
Hannah: Like how they got from the moment where they hated each other to…
Kim: Every…
Hannah: We don’t know it’s Lily yet.
Kim: Every Lily and James story is that story.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Charlie: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Every single one of them.
Charlie: I mean, yeah. We literally we don’t know.
Kim: They’re hard to do.
Charlie: It could be Sirius.
Hannah: It… it could be. I mean the voice…
Kim: It’s not. I’m just gonna tell you, it’s not Sirius.
Hannah: …that’s being said, I think it’s Lily. [laughter]
Kim: Okay. “Lils. Oh come on, Lils.”
Sequoia: No!
Charlie: Oh!
Kim: Yup. It’s happening. Let it happen. My best friend Bella said. “You look fantastic. James won’t be able to resist you.”
Charlie: Like…
Kim: “How did this come about again?”
Charlie: Bellatrix Bella?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Hannah: A different Bella. No.
Kim: No, we didn’t know about Bellatrix at this point.
Hannah & Charlie: Ohhh.
Kim: Right. This is just someone they made up. This is probably them. This is the author.
Sequoia: [laughs] They are definitely a self insert.
Kim: “Ugh, Bells, I’ve told you a million…”
Sequoia: No. I can’t do it with the nicknames!
Kim: It’s happening! These are ridiculous nicknames.
Sequoia and Kim: Lils…
Kim: ...and…
Everyone: ...Bells?
Hannah: I just… what is it with fanfiction, though, and nicknames? Like, I really want to know where it comes from. Why is it so present?
Kim: Yeah. It’s… it’s everywhere. All the time.
Sequoia: Bells is not shorter than Bella. [Charlie and Hannah laugh]
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: All right, that’s all I had to say.
Kim: Correct. I don’t know. Did we all give each other nicknames in the early 2000s?
Charlie: Maybe.
Kim: Ridiculous nicknames? Is that a thing?
Sequoia: I don’t remember the early 2000s, dude.
Charlie: Yeah, I mean, I do call Han… I call Hannah Han. Maybe I should call you Hans.
Hannah: Don’t. That sounds weird. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Charlie: I mean, everyone else calls you Twigg, so…
Hannah: They do. They do. They just call me by my surname. There you go, I’m a fanfiction trope.
Charlie: Yeah, Hannah is… Hannah is a Twigg.
Kim: Nice. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: “Ugh, Bells, I’ve told you a million times. James and I were talking, and…” Flashback.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: It literally says flashback.
Hannah: Yes!
Sequoia: Does it say flashback but like with the asterisks?
Hannah: Or is it in italics?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I don’t… I don’t know. Let me see. I’m on the mobile version of fanfiction.net and they don’t always respect the tildes on this version.
Hannah: How sad.
Kim: Let’s switch to the… switch to the desktop version.
Sequoia: You have to respect the tildes.
Kim: No, there are no t… it’s flashback
Sequoia: It just says flashback?
Kim: And it’s in lower case, too.
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughs]
Hannah: It’s bad.
Sequoia: Don’t you know it’s gotta be italics, all caps, or it’s gotta have some fucking asterisks?
Kim: Yeah. There’s asterisks later. Weird.
Sequoia: Weird.
Kim: [laughs] “So, Lily, who did I see you in the common room with earlier tonight?” James asked, jokingly. Dick.
Sequoia: He’s not joking. [laughs]
Kim: No. “What’s the matter, Potter? Jealous?” I replied, with a sarcastic lilt to my question. “Yeah, Lilykins, that’s it. Jealous of you. Ha! Like you could get me.”
Sequoia: This is not… [everyone laughs]
Kim: What?
Charlie: What?
Sequoia: This is not anything. Like…
Kim: What do you mean? James is too hot for Lily.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Too hot! [laughs]
Sequoia: Awesome.
Hannah: But by him implying this, she’s already seduced him. He clearly wants her! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh man. Yes. Yeah, no, I don’t know. Like, what do you… I honestly… it’s been so long and I only read fanfiction. You guys are in book three right now.
Charlie & Hannah: Mhm.
Kim: How much do you know about their relationship at this point?
Hannah: In book three? So book three is where we get… we don’t get anything about Lily. We get the Marauders’ back story.
Sequoia & Kim: Oh yeah.
Hannah: Book four, I don’t… ugh, remembering off the top of my head…
Charlie: Yeah, we know nothing about Lily at this point in the story.
Kim: Cool.
Hannah: Yeah, it’s really book five where the whole Lily thing comes in, so I’m surprised this is pre OTP. OOTP? OTP?
Kim: Yeah. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: We got you.
Hannah: Order of the Phoenix. That one.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, people had some interesting guesses about Lily at this time period.
Sequoia: Yeah, so I guess at this time it was probably… it was probably, like, fine to guess that this is how their relationship worked, when later we figure out that he’s just pining after her for eight hundred years or whatever.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: We don’t remember. What’s… what’s anything?
Sequoia: What’s… who’s read the Harry Potter books? Not me. ‘Kay.
Kim: “Like you could get me.” “Is that a dare, Jamesie?”
Sequoia: Oh, no! Don’t bring it up yourself!
Hannah: Also, did she just say Ja… Jamesie? Did you just… did you just say that? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: I did, with my mouth. I hate it.
Hannah: See, see, that’s… that’s not a nickname. Because that’s longer.
Kim: Longer, yeah.
Hannah: Do you see that that’s longer? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it is. [laughs] Fanfiction.
Charlie: Also, can I point out how when you’re reading them you go extra American? If anything, you should be doing a British accent.
Hannah: Yes, please. We’re British!
Kim: Okay, no, I’m absolutely… I’m absolutely not allowed to do a British accent.
Sequoia: Neither of us are allowed.
Hannah: We give you permission! No, no, no, look, we’re British people and we’re giving you permission. It’s fine.
Charlie: That makes it okay. It makes it okay. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Oh, no! [everyone laughs] Oh, no! Uh… hard pass. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Here’s the thing though. She had to call him Jamesie ‘cause so far it’s been like, Lils and Bells, and James is just…
Kim & Sequoia: James.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That way.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: So you take… you take the y off of Lily…
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: ...and you put it…
Sequoia: Put it…
Hannah: ...onto James.
Charlie: Yeah!
Kim: Yup. Yup.
Sequoia: This is good.
Hannah: It’s good. It’s good shit. It’s good.
Kim: It’s not even a y, it’s an ie.
Hannah: Oh.
Charlie: Ohhh.
Hannah: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Jamesie!
Kim: It actually kinda looks like Jams-ie.
Sequoia: Oh, let’s.. let’s do that.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: What’s up, Jams-ie?
Kim: “Is that a dare, Jamesie? You don’t think I could seduce you? Me, the girl who gets anyone she wishes?” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Ohhhh!
Charlie: Oh. Oh no.
Hannah: Ooooh.
Sequoia: Lils is coming in hot on this one.
Charlie: I mean, I’m living for her self confidence.
Kim: [laughing] Not keeping it cool.
Charlie: Like, go her!
Hannah: Yeah!
Charlie: Go Lils!
Kim: She’s not keeping it together, though!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Neither is James.
Sequoia: No. This is…
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: They’re just gonna make out.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoa: Like, they may as well just make out right now.
Kim: Yeah, skip the…
Sequoia: Come on!
Kim: Skip the whatever.
Sequoia: Skip the whole bet. [laughs]
Kim: This is not a bet!
Hannah: Either… either by the lake, on the astronomy tower, or where was yours?
Charlie: I… just with the Weasley twins cock blocking.
Hannah: Right. They’re not gonna be there. [laughter]
Charlie: They could time travel. Cursed Child is canon. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Stop!
Sequoia: Do not say that on our podcast.
Kim: We will ask you to leave.
Hannah: Don’t… don’t let their listeners believe that you think that, please!
Charlie: Disclaimer, Cursed Child is trash. [laughter]
Kim: Nice. “That’s right, Ginger. I don’t think that you could seduce me. I bet that you couldn’t, even if you tried.” [pause] This is so nuts to me. What is he doing? Can anyone…
Sequoia: I feel like…
Hannah: It’s not a bet that works.
Kim: Nope. It’s not.
Hannah: How do you measure a seduction if you’re refusing to be seduced?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Hannah: Don’t answer that. Don’t answer that, Charlie.
Charlie: This al… this also makes, like, really, really questionable consent. Like... ‘cause if she’s trying to seduce him, and he’s like no, get off, it’s like, at what, at what point does this become not okay?
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. But he’s…
Kim: He’s so clearly into it!
Sequoia: His whole goal is just to get her to seduce him.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: ‘Cause she’s the hottest girl in the whole school.
Charlie: School.
Sequoia: And she can have anyone she wants.
Kim: But it’s like, Lily…
Sequoia: But she doesn’t want him.
Kim: How do you not… how do you not see what’s happening, Lily?
Charlie: I know. Like, she’s smarter than this, come on.
Kim: So funny. Come on, Lily.
Sequoia: Come on.
Kim: “Fine, You’re on!” “Good. Can’t wait to see you lose.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Wait, no!
Hannah: [laughing] What?
Kim: [quietly] Lose! “Oh, I won’t lose, Potter. I always get my man.”
Sequoia: No!
Hannah: Ew! Ew!
Charlie: Oh god.
Kim: So weird.
Charlie: Like, I’m sorry, this isn’t plausible. Teenage boys get an erection when there’s a light draft, let alone… [everyone laughs] let alone if someone’s trying to seduce them!
Hannah: But what do we mean, seduction?
Kim: James is sure he’s not gonna be seduced. This is a bet he wants to lose.
Hannah: How old are these people? What are we talking about when we say seduction? Could we be given some ages please!
Charlie: Yeah, like, at what… at what point is he seduced?
Kim: We’re not given ages. They’re all adults.
Hannah: Great.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Also, I think that especially, like, fanfiction written this long ago, I assume that when people say seduced, they mean that they’re just, like, gonna lightly make out.
Hannah: Yeah. I agree. I think that’s…
Sequoia: Just, like, a low key make out.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: This is clearly written by like a thirteen year old.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: They’re like, at the end of this, they’re gonna hold hands!
Hannah: No, I really hope… I really hope they just like, you know, like, put their tongue in the other one’s mouth.
Sequoia: [groans] Oh yeah!
Kim: Yes! We’ll see.
Sequoia: There’s like an exploratory tongue mission!
Hannah: Mhm.
Kim: Ugh.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: We’ll get the fanfiction description of kissing.
Charlie: Yeah. That was my description of kissing in my fanfiction.
Kim: Really?
Charlie: ‘Cause I was thirteen and had never kissed and it was literally… and was like, and then she put his tongue in… no!
Kim: Really?! You did it too. Okay, why… why did all thirteen year olds think that was how kissing happened?
Hannah: I thought that was how kissing happened.
Kim: Okay.
Charlie: I still do think it. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I think it was… I think it was Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging.
Charlie: Yes!
Hannah: Yes.
Charlie: That is a reference that no Americans…
Hannah: That you guys aren’t gonna get. I’m sorry.
Sequoia: I do get that reference!
Kim: You got that reference?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Hannah: Yes!
Sequoia: I get that reference. [Charlie and Hannah gasp]
Hannah: Yay!
Charlie: Amazing!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: There’s a book and they made it into a movie.
Kim: Who?
Sequoia: There’s a bunch of books.
Kim: What books?
Hannah: Loads of books.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Charlie: Well done!
Sequoia and Kim: Never mind.
Hannah: Anyway, there was lots of tongue… I’m not gonna talk about it. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice! End flashback.
Sequoia: Great.
Charlie: End flashback.
Kim: “And I stupidly let my competitive side overtake the logical voice in my brain. I mean, look at me.” [Sequoia laughs] “Yeah, look at you. You look incredible.” Are you ready?
Sequoia: Oh! Oh no! Are we gonna get an outfit description?
Kim: Are you ready?
Hannah: Yes, yes, yes!
Charlie: Yeah!
Kim: I looked in the mirror and I had… Oh sorry, I’m doing a Lily voice because this is all in first person, aren’t I?
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: [valley girl voice] I looked in the mirror and I had to admit that I looked pretty damn good.
Charlie: Yess.
Sequoia: Sweet.
Kim: My wavy red hair was loose around my face, and Bella had put subtle touches of gold glitter around my eyes to make them shine.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Hannah: Ooohhh, I love make up descriptions! [everyone laughs]
Kim: I was wearing my Quidditch practice jersey…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Her Quidditch practice jersey!
Hannah: Obviously.
Kim: I…
Hannah: Because, robes, no, they don’t exist.
Kim: I…
Hannah: A jersey? What… what is a jersey?
Sequoia: It’s like your… your, uh…
Kim: Shirt.
Sequoia: Your shirt that you wear to practise in.
Kim: Your athletic shirt.
Sequoia: Your like…
Kim: Although I don’t know… well…
Charlie: Like a letterman jacket?
Hannah: Like… like a… like a sport jacket?
Sequoia: N… like a…
Kim: The jersey’s generally… it… it’s like the t-shirt…
Charlie & Hannah: Oh!
Kim: ...that you wear when you’re playing sports.
Sequoia: It’s like… yeah, it’s like the…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I… I always… [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know, man.
Sequoia: I don’t know how to…
Kim: No, okay, so I really like this though. In this story, Lily plays Quidditch.
Sequoia & Hannah: Oh!
Sequoia: That’s cool!
Hannah: Oh yeah!
Kim: Yeah!
Hannah: That’s nice.
Kim: I mean, I feel like they should have known that she didn’t at this point, because…
Hannah: I just…
Kim: ...James is the only one who’s mentioned playing Quidditch, but I like it.
Sequoia: I like that!
Kim: I like it.
Sequoia: I’m just disappointed that she’s not wearing a tube top, because they’re always wearing a tube top! [laughter]
Kim: Nope, she’s got her Quidditch practice jersey on. Unsnapped to just above my navy blue bra. [Sequoia snorts]
Hannah: Oooh!
Charlie: What? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Spicy! That’s spicy, right?
Sequoia: Wow! Dang!
Hannah: Low cut! Great.
Sequoia: Great. Reel it back in.
Kim: I look so hot! Quid… okay, no, but jerseys definitely don’t have buttons!
Sequoia: Not…
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: ...one. Any one I can think of.
Hannah: Could you… could you please, for… for… for our sake, post a picture of a jersey on Twitter…
Charlie: I’m going to Google jersey.
Hannah: ...when this episode goes up? [Sequoia laughs] Because this is not a word we have here, and I’m just so lost!
Sequoia: I’m trying to think of the word. Of a… of a…
Kim: I don’t… I don’t know how to help you.
Sequoia: Is it like a kit?
Charlie: We’re Googling it. We’re Googling it.
Hannah: Oh! Oh, okay.
Charlie: It’s like a…
Hannah: Just a sport top.
Charlie: Like a football top, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Charlie: I feel like the take away from this is gonna be like, we had to explain to the Goblet of Wine girls what a t-shirt was. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Hannah: No, but I’m hoping your story has things that happen in it that wouldn’t happen in England so that I can correct them.
Charlie: Yes.
Kim: I mean, I feel like…
Sequoia: I feel like they’re…
Kim: I feel like we’re already there. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Well yeah, no, ‘cause for starters…
Kim: Why does it have buttons?
Charlie & Hannah: A jersey. Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Not a thing.
Kim: I feel like it probably is maybe more like a letterman jacket, because those have buttons.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don’t know what’s happening.
Sequoia: I… I don’t know what’s happening either.
Kim: She’s wearing a tube top under a letterman jacket. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Bells had shortened my gray school skirt so that it hit my upper thigh.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Hannah: Oooh! The upper? Oh! Saucy!
Sequoia: Upper thigh!
Kim: Upper thigh!
Hannah: What happened to the robes? Like, they’re meant to be wearing robes! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Characters don’t wear robes in fanfiction!
Hannah: Oh, sorry. Sorry. My apologies.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no. They wear tube tops and low rise jeans. Ultra low rise jeans. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It has to hug your hips, or it’s not fanfiction.
Kim: Ohhh. Robes? Never heard of her. And I pulled up my knee socks.
Hannah: Oh.
Sequoia: This is a look.
Kim: It is. It is.
Charlie: Yeah.
Hannah: Mhm.
Kim: I knew that I looked hot.
Charlie: Who thinks like this? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Lily does.
Charlie: Whose, like, internal monologue is like, I knew that I looked hot?
Hannah: Maybe you should have an internal monologue like that.
Charlie: That would require self confidence.
Hannah, Kim & Sequoia: Aww!
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Oh, no! Too real! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: You’re like, I was trying to be funny. [more laughter]
Charlie: But I just made it sad.
Kim: Ahh. I knew that I looked hot. Or as hot as one could be in a Hogwarts uniform. She is not in a Hogwarts uniform.
Hannah: It’s not a Hogwarts uniform. That is not sanctioned by any teacher.
Kim: Not… not even a little bit.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Not even, like, close. Like, she’s got the uniform skirt on and I think that’s it.
Charlie: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, and it’s… Bella magically shortened it.
Charlie: Hehehehehe.
Sequoia: Because that’s like a spell that’s going around the girls’ dormitories.
Kim: Oh, it totally is!
Sequoia: Yeah, and then the teachers have to come in and be like, will you please stop shortening your skirts?
Charlie: Yeah, all the girls are doing the shortening spell and then all the boys are doing the opposite. [someone snorts]
Kim: They’re… lengthening their skirts?
Charlie: No.
Sequoia: No.
Charlie: I was lengthening something else.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Come on. Get with… get with the…
Kim: No.
Sequoia & Charlie: Get with the dick jokes! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice. The question was, was it hot enough for Potter?
Sequoia: Oh, god! Yes it is! Anything was going to be! This was a ploy!
Kim: [laughing] You could walk out in your robes and he’d be like, damn! [everyone laughs] Yeah?
Sequoia: She just should have gone for the full Quidditch uniform. I think that would have been primo. Like, he would have been way into that.
Kim: Yeah. “Yes it is. I know what you’re thinking,” my best friend said, cutting into my thoughts. [everyone laughs] So weird. This is such a… like a… I guess I don’t know what trope this is, but…
Sequoia: It’s like…
Charlie: Just that she can read minds.
Hannah: Yeah.
Charlie: Literally, like, screw Snape.
Kim: Actually like though, magic…
Charlie: Bells is…
Kim: Yeah, all right, that… that’s actually something that could happen. Fine!
Sequoia: I mean, not yet in the story. They wouldn’t know about it yet.
Kim: They… they predicted it.
Sequoia: Cool. No they didn’t. It’s just that best friends can always tell what each other are thinking.
Kim: What am I thinking right now?
Sequoia: You… hate me a lot? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Wrong! I was thinking fart noise.
Sequoia: Oh no! I knew you were thinking fart noise! You’re always thinking fart noise!
Kim: That was stupid.
Sequoia: Or you were thinking the Wii channel music. Damnit!
Kim: That hasn’t made it into the podcast yet, Sequoia. [everyone laughs] “Now let’s get down to breakfast and get this show on the road” “Fine,” I replied, allowing her to pull me out of the comforts of our dormitory. It’s hard to say if Lily is like into this or not. I… you know? She’s like really hesitant, but also like, I look so hot, I’m gonna win the bet!
Sequoia: I like that the seduction is happening at breakfast.
Kim: Look, Sequoia...
Hannah: Wait, is food going to be involved?! [everyone laughs]
Kim: It’s about time for breakfast…
Sequoia & Kim: ...and a showwww!
Kim: Ohhh nice. Now we get some asterisks. Not tildes.
Sequoia: Okay, no tildes? That’s fine, whatever.
Kim: Yeah, we get asterisks.
Sequoia: As long as there’s one of them.
Kim: A passage of time! Ah, there he was. Little Mr. James Potter. [laughter]
Sequoia: Little Mr. Jamesie.
Kim: Shit. Doesn’t know what’s about to hit him. I walked towards my house table, but not without noticing the appreciative glances that I was getting from males all over the school.
Sequoia: Ughhhhh.
Hannah: [splutters] Oh no!
Christian: Males?
Hannah: Ma…
Kim: Males. It says males!
Hannah: No females.
Sequoia: Ughhh.
Charlie: Yeah, there…
Kim: Yeah.
Charlie: There should be bi and gay women in there.
Hannah: Just…
Kim: You know.
Charlie: Appreciative look.
Hannah: No.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is it fanfiction if we’re not bi… getting some good, good, bi erasure?
Sequoia: Is it not fanfiction if we’re just like, it’s just the most heteronormative thing you’ve ever heard in your whole life?
Kim: Ohhhh.
Charlie: I mean, that’s not just fanfiction. That’s just society.
Hannah: Ohhhh.
Sequoia: That’s true. That’s true.
Charlie: Oh no, I made it sad again.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Oh noooo!
Sequoia: It’s sad again!
Kim: Look, it was 2003. We were all stupid then.
Sequoia: I really… she said that she didn’t know what was gonna… he didn’t know what was gonna hit him, and I really wish that instead of seducing him, she just walked up looking super hot and punched him in the face. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Nice!
Kim: Oh, why? That’s mean!
Charlie: Maybe he was into that, though.
Sequoia: We… because he’s an idiot!
Kim: I mean, we could still get some weird violence. You never know.
Sequoia: You never know.
Kim: Yeah, guys, I know, I know, I’m irresistible.
Hannah: Sorry, is she saying that out loud or in her head?
Kim: That’s in her head.
Hannah: Oh, good.
Sequoia: I really wish it was out loud.
Hannah: Yeah. Same.
Kim: You never know.
Charlie: I’m sorry, but I could not picture this version of Lily ever, like, giving birth to Harry. [laughter]
Kim: Right?
Charlie: Like, how did Harry come… like, no!
Hannah: Harry’s arrogant.
Charlie: There is no family relation here!
Sequoia: Then you get Harry that’s walking around all the time being like, yeah, that’s right, I’m the chosen one! [everyone laughs]
Kim: I mean, book six. [everyone laughs] “Hi Sirius. Hi Remy.”
Sequoia: No!
Hannah: Remy, no!
Kim: Fuck that.
Sequoia: [pause] Oh, that caused me physical pain.
Kim: Yeah, it’s not great. I said.
Hannah: Just call people by their names!
Charlie: Or like, the fact they… like, the Marauders already have like, established nicknames. It was kind of a thing in the books, maybe use them. [laughter] Like…
Kim: I mean, Lily probably wouldn’t use the Marauder nicknames.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Hannah: Yeah, I don’t know if she knows them. I don’t know if just they used it with each other.
Charlie: Maybe.
Sequoia: I like that…
Charlie: It is fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I like that Sirius doesn’t get a nickname.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s not Siri? It’s always Siri!
Kim: It is always Siri.
Hannah: Siri!
Kim: Lol. I said, sitting myself down next to Potter. Sirius’s jaw dropped and Remus’s eyes grew large. Maybe this wouldn’t be as…
Sequoia: [fails to hold in a laugh] Sorry.
Kim: You can just…
Sequoia: I just… here’s the thing. I am not… I’m never a dick joke person, but they arrived, and here I am! I can’t be stopped!
Kim: You can hear the boners popping?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: What a legacy we leave you with.
Charlie: This is our legacy. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] There it is again! There it is again!
Charlie: See!?
Hannah: Ding ding ding ding ding!
Kim: Why?
Charlie: We’re bad influences, honestly.
Kim: Oh, dick joke! Wow, no. I’m just wondering why the hell she thinks this is gonna be hard, and also she seems to be, like, going back and forth on that too. She’s like, this is gonna be easy, I’m the hottest.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I don’t know.
Kim: Maybe this isn’t gonna be hard.
Hannah: I love how she’s not gonna try to seduce him with her personality, wits…
Kim: No.
Hannah: ...charm…
Kim: What?
Charlie: Just a short skirt. And a crop top.
Kim: What? What are those?
Sequoia: No.
Charlie: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s all… that’s all you need.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. This is so… this is such like a teen, high school movie. Isn’t it?
Hannah: I’m loving it.
Sequoia: Yeah, it definitely is reminiscent of stuff from…
Kim: She’s taken off her glasses…
Sequoia: Goddamn it.
Hannah: Taken out her pony tail, shook it loose.
Kim: Mhm, mhm, yup.
Sequoia: And now she’s hot!
Kim: Awful. “Hey James,” I continued, placing my hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Lils.”
Sequoia: I don’t like that voice that you do.
Kim: Look!
Sequioa: I don’t like the Lily seduction voice. That makes me very sad and uncomfortable.
Kim: Would it be better if I was looking at you while I did it?
Sequoia: No! [Charlie and Hannah laugh]
Kim: Let me try.
Sequoia: No!
Hannah: Put your hand on her shoulder. Try it. Do it, do it, do it.
Sequoia & Kim: Oh, oh, oh!
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: Hey.
Charlie: I still think it would be better if it was British.
Kim: Oh, let me try again. Let me try again. Hey. [Sequoia laughs uncomfortably] [everyone laughs] Good?
Sequoia: Uh, no! I hated that a lot.
Kim: No? Fine.
Sequoia: It was a good Spiderman reference though.
Kim: Thank you. That’s what I’m mostly made up of.
Sequoia: [laughs] it’s just fart jokes and Spiderman references?
Hannah: [laughing] A Twitter bio. [everyone laughs]
Kim: That is good. “Hey, Lils,” he started, turning towards me. He hasn’t seen her yet.
Sequoia: Why?
Charlie: Oh, yeah.
Kim: When he looked at me, I saw a pleased expression come over his face.
Charlie: Ew.
Hannah: Ew.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Yuck. Woah, this could be a cinch.
Sequoia: You were saying it was going to be a cinch like two seconds ago!
Kim: Right?! “How are you this morning, stud?”
Sequoia: No!
Charlie & Hannah: Ugh! Oh!
Kim: Barf noise.
Hannah: I’ve got vomit in my mouth.
Charlie: Has anyone ever been turned on by someone calling them stud? I’m sorry, no.
Kim: No.
Hannah: Has anyone in real life called anyone stud?
Kim: I don’t think so.
Charlie: I might make it my new thing.
Hannah: Okay, then.
Kim: Oh, yikes.
Sequoia: Is this a… is this a Grease reference?
Kim: Is it? You would know.
Sequoia: Tell me about it, stud.
Charlie & Hannah: Stud!
Kim: Oh, okay. I said, trying not to look at Bella for fear that I would burst out laughing.
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: Don’t say it then!
Sequoia: And she’s like, ha! She winks at her best friend. She’s like, so easy! [everyone laughs] Wink!
Kim: “Uh, great. Better now that you’re here, though,” he replied, his gaze fixated on the lock of hair… oh, sorry, I’m not doing my Lily voice any more.
Sequoia: Oh, no, yes!
Kim: I forgot what I’m doing.
Sequoia: You gotta… well, we never do anything that’s in first person like this.
Kim: Yeah, it’s disturbing. It’s… it’s too weird for me, actually. [everyone laughs] It’s why I don’t do it usually. His gaze fixated on the lock of hair I was twirling around my finger.
Hannah: Oh my god, so she’s standing there like… I… I can’t do it ‘cause I don’t have hair, but like… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Can I do it on you? Come here.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: None of us…
Sequoia: This is a Charlie only experience.
Charlie: Context to any one listening, she has a pixie cut. She’s not bald.
Hannah: I feel very at home right now. Look at these wonderful haircuts!
Charlie: I know. I feel like I’m gonna have to do the hair twirling on behalf of literally everyone else here.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Thank you. Twirl your hair.
Charlie: Yeah, but also that is not what he would be looking at.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Yeah, no, she’s… she’s… I feel like she’s, like, smacking gum and twirling her hair, because that’s like the stereotype I got.
Hannah: And like standing on like one hip?
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Like all the weight leaned… yeah.
Kim: Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup.
Sequoia: Tell me about it.
Kim: Could she be more of a stereotype? Amazing. “Well, Jamesie.”
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: “I’m not just talking to you to talk to you. I had this friend, a great friend, actually, and he dared me to…” I don’t know why she’s recapping this.
Sequoia: Why? He doesn’t need the recap!
Hannah: He was there!
Kim: He… he’s the one that... he’s the one that dared you. [pause while people make baffled noises] I don’t know what’s happening! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: What have you done to our poor guests? They’re just like…
Kim: What up? I found this weird thing.
Sequoia: They’re just like shaking their heads. They can’t. They have no words! [Charlie and Hannah laugh]
Kim: Nice. “He dared me to…” “To what?” “Nothing. I’m not going to tell you. It’s way too embarrassing.”
Hannah: But he knows!
Charlie: I love that you’re doing the baby voice for this as well.
Hannah: [high pitched] But he knows!
Charlie: Like, that like infantile, ohh…
Hannah: But he knows! [squeaks]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s not…
Charlie: Did they both hit their heads?
Kim: Yes.
Hannah: How flirting wor… is this how flirting works? Is this what we’ve been doing… oh.
Charlie: Don’t ask me. You’re the one in a relationship, I’m the one dying alone. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Not gonna tell you.
Sequoia: I’m not go… here’s the thing. Like, what a great, like, wow, I’m seducing you with mystery move. [Kim laughs] But also, it’s not a mystery!
Kim: [laughs] He was there.
Sequoia: He was there!
Kim: He’s the one that… “Lilykins. It’s me, James.”
Charlie: Sorry! No, no, need to stop.
Kim: What up?
Charlie: Did you just say Lilykins?
Kim: I did.
Charlie: Okay, continue. That’s all.
Kim: That’s… that’s… that’s fairly common. I feel like I’ve read that several times.
Sequoia: Lilykins?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Or, or a -kins of any kind?
Kim: Yeah, I think so. Ronniekins?
Sequoia [barf noise] Awful. Ronniekins is often… I read that a lot. But I also just read Ron/Hermione fanfiction, so yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequioa: Whatever. That’s who I am.
Charlie: Yaaaass.
Kim: “It’s me, James. Come on, tell me. I promise I won’t laugh.” Why is James playing along? [Hannah makes wordless noises of confusion] I think they’ve both forgotten…
Sequioa: Wait. [laughs]
Kim: ...everything that’s happened so far in the story.
Sequoia: This is their cute little breakfast seduction game. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Fucking weird. “Okay, fine then. He…” I think I’ve lost the Lily voice.
Sequoia: RIP.
Kim: “Okay, fine then.”
Sequoia: There it is.
Kim: He dared me to come over here and kiss you.” Wait a minute. Where did that come from? It was seduce, not kiss. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: She’s…
Kim: She’s…
Sequoia: Wait, no, this was not agreed. This was not agreed!
Kim: Sorry, sorry, this is internal. This is internal.
Hannah: Was that an internal monologue or was that… was that text?
Kim: Sorry, sorry.
Hannah: No, wait, what was internal monologue and what was text?
Kim: It wasn’t… it wasn’t clear, was it? So she says… so this is… I’ll… this is out loud. “Okay, fine then. He dared me to come over here and kiss you.” And then we switch to internal monologue. Wait a minute. Where did that come from? It was seduce, not kiss. Ah, damn it. Well, I better go along with it, though.
Sequoia: But… ugh, that’s…
Kim: James is the one who made the bet with you.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, that’s a downgrade. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Is it?
Hannah: Is it?
Charlie: I mean yeah, how else do you seduce someone?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Charlie: If not kisses, it’s gonna be something else.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: All right, we’re gonna go to… back to out loud. “And you know me, Jamesie. I never turn down a dare. So would you mind?”
Hannah: You’re at breakfast! The teachers are there up at the top!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Everyone’s there!
Kim: Everyone is there. Everyone is there.
Sequoia: Everyone is looking. Breakfast and a show.
Kim: [snorts] Sure. He looked shocked, I guess because he realized that I had changed the bet without even realizing it. [several seconds of squeaks and laughter from everyone]
Sequoia: What was the bet? How do you change the bet? What’s happening?
Hannah: What’s the point in the bet if you’re both pretending the bet… when do you stop knowing that the… the… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: I was actually kind of reading this out loud hoping that any of you could explain this to me. [everyone laughs] Gonna guess this is a no.
Sequoia: There was an original bet, and then she created a new, fictional bet.
Kim: A fictional bet?
Hannah: But they’re both pretending that the other didn’t… wasn’t there for the original bet conversation?
Sequioa: Original bet.
Kim: It does seem that way, yes.
Sequoia: Yes. And now I think they’re abandoning the original bet, and going with the new fictional bet.
Kim: Sure.
Charlie: To summarize, a really fucking convuluted way just to have a snog.
Kim: Right? Yeah, just make out!
Sequoia: Yeah, just…
Kim: They could have just…
Sequoia: It could have happened in the common room at the beginning of the story.
Kim: Yup, during the flashback. Yup. James responds “Uhhh…” Well, I took that as a yes. Yay! I’m going to kiss James.
Charlie: That’s not consent!
Sequoia: That’s… Lily! [laughter] Lily, come on!
Kim: I leaned in, as did he. But just…
Charlie: Oh, okay, he leaned.
Kim: But just before our lips touched, I turned and put my mouth next to his ear.
Hannah: Oh.
Kim: “I guess I can seduce you, eh, Potter?”
[pause]
Hannah: Are you about to say that’s the end of the story?
Kim: No, that’s not the end.
Hannah: Okay. Okay, good.
Kim: We’re not there yet. We’re not quite there yet.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. The whatever thirteen year old that wrote this story literally did not know what seduce means.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: They did not know that.
Kim: Yup.
Hannah: So because he… he leant his body, she wins?
Kim: Yup. Yes. [Hannah sighs heavily] [everyone laughs] That was a good heavy sigh.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s just… half of our episodes are just like, like a series of deep sighs. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Laughing, sighing, and then…
Sequoia and Kim: Crying.
Kim: Yup. Great. Wow. With that, I pulled away and turned towards the Gryffindor table like everything was normal, but not without noticing the hurt that had appeared in James’ eyes.
Hannah: Oh, no.
Charlie: Oh no.
Kim: She won the bet, but at what cost? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: And now… It says, Later that same day.
Hannah: Oh!
Kim: And we don’t get any asterisks this time.
Hannah: Oh.
Sequoia: Its lack of consistency in the passages of time.
Kim: It’s very confusing.
Sequoia: Um…
Kim: What? Did you have a question?
Sequoia: Well I think this is good, because I think that… that maybe this story will give us some more wholesome get together experience now. Than what we were originally thinking.
Kim: It’s never… it’s never good when you’re in a fanfiction and there’s a bet.
Sequoia: Yeah! Bets are always bad.
Kim: You’re always in the danger zone. All right. Later that same day. There I was, minding my own business, [laughs] walking back from the library. She doesn’t even get in trouble for going in the Great Hall and doing whatever it was she did earlier. I feel like she should have.
Sequoia: Gotten in trouble?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For?
Kim: Whatever that was? The show.
Hannah: [laughs] The show.
Sequoia: She didn’t do anything! She just walked in and then, like, said some stuff to James and then just sat there at the table.
Kim: I guess so. I guess so. I feel like McGonagall wouldn’t have approved of whatever it was she was wearing, though.
Sequoia: She was just… she was just doing pursed lips up at the… up at the head table.
Kim: Oh, okay. Fine. There I was, minding my own business, walking back from the library, when suddenly a hand reached out and pulled me into a concealed room off the corridor. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Potter?” “I needed to talk to you.”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: “Okay, couldn’t talk at meals, or Quidditch or in classes or in the common room. No, you had to scare me out of my wits and pull me into a dark, deserted room. Talk away, jerk.”
Charlie: I hate this version of Lily so much.
Hannah: I was about to say that was all valid points from Lily.
Kim: It was.
Charlie: Oh! [Sequoia laughs] I mean, valid points, but she is so annoying. Like…
Kim: I think it’s probably mostly the voice I’m doing. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, also she… she was listing, she should have just listed every place in the castle. In the owlery...
Kim: Couldn’t talk to me in the astronomy tower, or the owlery?
Sequoia: By the lake?
Kim: The greenhouses? [everyone laughs] Had to scare me.
Sequoia: But this is a private conversation. He’s about to talk about his real feelings.
Kim: You don’t know that!
Sequoia: Yes, I do! I’ve read enough fanfiction! I know what’s going to happen.
Kim: [laughs] “Don’t do that. You have no right to be mad at me. I just needed to know, what did you mean this morning?”
Sequoia: What the fuck? Never mind, I take it back. [everyone laughs]
Kim: He has no idea what’s happening. “What? Oh, come on, James. You know. You’re the one who bet me I couldn’t. And I did.”
Charlie: Oh, please tell me she dreamt it. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “I know that, Lily. But why didn’t you kiss me?”
Sequoia: Wha… because the… wha…
Kim: Because she won.
Hannah: Because they were in the Great Hall and that’s not a good place for a first kiss. Come on!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Right? Out of all the things I would have thought James would ask me, that was definitely wasn’t at the top of the list. “I don’t have to tell you.”
Sequoia: I mean, valid.
Kim: And then this is internal. He doesn’t need to know. No one needs to know. Ever.
Sequoia: Wait. Why she didn’t kiss him?
Charlie: What?
Kim: Yeah.
Charlie: Can she not kiss? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe…
Kim: She doesn’t really have a mouth. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Maybe she’s never kissed… she doesn’t really have a mouth…
Kim: It’s just like, magicked on. [everyone laughs] No? What? It’s a beak?
Charlie: It’s just a void in the middle of her face. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Yeah, you do.” “No, I really don’t.” “Yeah.” “No.” “Yeah.” “No.” “Yeah.” [Kim can’t hold it together and succumbs to laughter with the others]
Hannah: I feel like these two are absolutely perfect for each other.
Kim: Yeah?
Hannah: Because they seem to know what’s going on and I have no fucking clue any more.
Kim: “Fine, I’ll tell you.”
Hannah: Please do.
Sequoia: I have a guess. I have a guess.
Kim: “Really?” “No.” [everyone laughs, there’s some snorting, someone hits a table with their hand]
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughter continues]
Kim: Oh, no. I’m crying. What was that?
Hannah: I lost my tissue. [sniffles]
Charlie: You need another? [sound of box being passed]
Hannah: Thank you.
Charlie: There you go, Twigg honey.
Sequoia: Incredible.
Kim: Oh, man. “Fine then, you leave me with no choice,” James said with an evil glint in his eye.
Charlie: Oh god.
Kim: He lunged for my belly and started tickling me…
Sequoia: Oh! Oh!
Hannah: Oh, no!
Kim: ...knowing that it was my weakness.
Sequoia: Oh, god. This really was written by a thirteen year old.
Charlie: When has he… when has he tickled her in the past? How does he know that?
Hannah: Her one true weakness. [everyone laughs] Tickling.
Kim: “Fine, fine! It’s because it wouldn’t be enough!” I confessed, merely to stop the tickling.
Charlie: What?
Hannah: Ew.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What?
Hannah: The kiss wouldn’t be enough?
Sequoia: Wouldn’t be enough?
Kim: One… we’ll get there. Hold for the text.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Kim: He stopped tickling me, finally, and I saw him look at me with a shocked expression in his eyes. Shit. I probably just lost one of my best friends. Stupid, stupid Lily.
Sequoia: Oh, I hate them.
Hannah: Good swearing in this story. I appreciate it.
Kim: Yeah, tha… that’s it. Oh, did it get rated PG for swears? [pause] It’s rated K+. Ooooh, there’s a swear in this!
Sequoia: [laughing] Oooooh!
Kim: Sorry. Um… now I’ve lost my spot. “Oh, Lils,” he said. Fuck. With a gleam in his eye. “One is better than none, don’t you agree?” [everyone sighs]
Kim: “Yeah, but...” I started to say, but was cut off by James’s lips on mine.
Sequoia: Classic.
Hannah: Mhm, yeah.
Sequoia: Classic.
Kim: I was right. One wouldn’t be enough. Goodness, the boy could kiss. [everyone laughs]
Charlie: He’s just…
Sequoia: Is that the end?
Kim: No.
Charlie: He’s just kissing her void. [everyone laughs] Her beak. Her beak.
Sequoia: She… the void is sucking out his life force. [everyone laughs]
Kim: What the fuck? Lily’s not a dementor. What the fuck, dude?
Charlie: I was gonna say, plot twist, she’s a dementor.
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia laughs] We broke apart, slowly, after what seemed like an eternity. Not that I’m complaining. I wouldn’t mind spending an eternity kissing James. He had a gleam in an… Sorry. He had a gleam in his eye, but still hadn’t removed his hands from around my waist. “What were you saying, Lilykins?” he said.
Hannah: Sorry, I vomited.
Kim: With an adorable grin on his face.
Sequoia: Can we just have a group vomit real quick? [laughter]
Kim: ‘Kay, go ahead.
Charlie: Yeah. Mhm.
Hannah: Mhm.
Kim: “I was saying, yeah, but two is always better than one.” I finished my earlier thought before pulling him down for another kiss. And the rest, as they say, is history. The end. [everyone groans and laughs]
Charlie: Thanks, I hate it.
Hannah: Wooooow.
Sequoia: Wow. I like the version of the story where she was a dementor the whole time. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh man.
Hannah: I liked the version of the story that you said where she dreamed it.
Charlie: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah! That was good too. There was some classics in there. The and then he cut me off with a kiss!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: True.
Kim: Yup.
Charlie: And it lasted for an eternity!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Exactly! An eternity!
Kim: So good!
Sequioa: That was some classic, you know, twelve to fifteen year old writing.
Kim: Yup.
Charlie: Yup.
Kim: I don’t understand what happened in that story. I think I’m getting farther from understanding it [everyone laughs] the more I read it.
Hannah: Mm, mm, mm. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes.
Kim: Yup.
Charlie: It could have been a lot shorter if it was just like, James, I dare you to kiss me, and then like, Lily kissed him. Like, because that’s essentially what happened.
Kim: Pretty much, yeah.
Hannah: Yeah.
Charlie: I… thank you! [everyone laughs]
Charlie and Hannah: Thanks.
Sequoia: Did anybody… did anybody get any points? I don’t think so.
Kim: No. No one got any points.
Sequoia: No one got any points.
Hannah: Didn’t…
Kim: I did a Marauder era as a surprise.
Hannah: Wait, didn’t someone say the Great Hall?
Charlie: No.
Kim: Nope.
Hannah: No.
Sequoia: No.
Hannah: No.
Kim: We got… we got astronomy tower…
Charlie: I feel like Hannah was the closest ‘cause it took place at breakfast, and food, but…
Hannah: No, it was way off. It was way off.
Kim: There was no food. [laughs] Got ‘em!
Sequoia: Welcome to the… welcome to the zero points club.
Hannah & Charlie: Yay!
Charlie: I feel like that was really inevitable.
Kim: Yeeeees! Got ‘em!
Sequoia: It’s a difficult game. Yeah. Man, Marauders era.
Kim: We hadn’t done Marauders in a long time.
Sequoia: Yeah. We needed to get back to it.
Kim: Found some weird shit.
Sequoia: Thank you. Okay, and now it’s time for a…
Sequoia & Kim: A quick ficsss!
Kim: Whatcha got for us today?
Sequoia: Okay, so my quick fic today, you guys. Whoo! It’s a story where it turns out that the whole time Ron was the child of Molly and Snape.
Kim: No.
Charlie: Give it. Give it to me.
Sequoia: [laughs] And… and then Draco was the child of Narcissa and… Narcissa and James?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: All of the couples did like a switch, and then it was like, they were all married before, but then they all got divorced, and then the one person took the child with them and then put some kind of a spell on them so they would look like they child of their current spouse. But then when they turn thirteen they all start morphing physically.
Kim: Who were… were there… were there more that were switched? What about Harry? You gotta…
Sequoia: What about Harry? Oh, I gotta pull it up. It was so convoluted. Here we go. Are you ready? Harry and Hermione are Lucius and Lily’s twins.
Kim: What?!
Charlie: What?!
Sequoia: Draco… oh no, I got this all fucked up. [laughs] Harry and Hermione are Lucius and Lily’s twins.
Kim: What?!
Sequioa: Draco is Sirius and Narcissa’s kid.
Kim: No!
Hannah: Fuck!
Kim: What? They’re cousins!
Sequoia: Ron is Molly and Snape’s kid. They were all married before, and then when they turn twelve they start to look like their mystery parent. So…
Kim: What?
Charlie: I… I need this in my life.
Hannah: Wow.
Sequoia: [laughs] One day Ron just starts to grow like, this like, black, greasy hair. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Why wouldn’t he continue to look like Molly?
Sequoia: No! Then they… they just look like the mystery parent. They don’t look anything like their other parent at all!
Kim: Oh my god.
Hannah: So somehow the genes… no, I’m not gonna question it.
Kim: How did… how did Harry and Hermione get separated?
Sequoia: Reasons.
Hannah: It’s like The Parent Trap, you know, they were separated so that one parent could have each?
Kim: But Hermione ended up with neither of the parents!
Sequoia: Yes. Hermione ended up with Muggles.
Hannah: Y… yes. Precisely. Just like The Parent Trap.
Sequoia: [laughing] So that’s my quick fic for you today. I found that.
Kim: Wait, no, but why?
Sequoia: I don’t know! It was only like, fucking, like, seven hundred words long, dude. [Kim laughs loudly] It’s basically just like, hi, I’m Ronald Weasley, and today I started to look fucking weird, [everyone laughs] so I went to my mom and was like the shit, mom? And then my mom told me this whole story. And then everybody’s slowing morphing and they’re all really mad, and that’s all you get.
Kim: I feel like I’ve read a lot of stories where Harry’s dad is someone other than who we thought, but I don’t think I’ve ever read one where Ron has different parents than what he though. That’s… that’s unique.
Sequoia: Yeah. And fucking nuts. So there you go, that was my quick fic.
Kim: Thanks?
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Sequoia & Kim: The rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pewww!
Kim: My recommendation today is a story called Keepsake. And it’s a story about Harry’s birth as told from Sirius’s perspective. It’s really sweet, and I really like it.
Hannah: Aww.
Kim: And not everything has to be terrible! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Jeez.
Kim: It’s really good, and I like it, and the link to that will be in the description for this episode and on our website.
Sequoia: Let’s go ahead and get you guys… tell us… tell us where we can find you. Where we can find your podcast. You can tell us your… where to find your personal Twitter handles if you want, or whatever. Where should people follow you?
Charlie: Okay. So you can find us on Instagram @GobletOfWinePodcast, on Twitter as GobletOfWinePod, and then on any podcasting platform as Goblet of Wine. We also have a website which is GobletOfWine.co.uk.
Kim: Nice.
Charlie: Where else are we?
Hannah: That’s… that’s all the places that we live. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah, that’s where we belong.
Kim: You guys are in the middle of book three right now, right?
Hannah: That segment went really well for us, just there. [everyone laughs]
Charlie: That is the exact standard of podcasting you can expect from a drunken podcast.
Hannah: But the great thing is, there is an episode with you, Kim, on.
Kim: Yeah!
Hannah: The… one of the latest episodes that is up.
Kim: That was so incredibly fun. Book three is just so fun.
Charlie: It is.
Hannah: Yeah. Mhm.
Charlie: We’re getting to the really juicy part now.
Hannah: We are.
Charlie: Yeah
Kim: Nice!
Hannah: But yeah. Everything as Goblet of Wine. Find… us. Or…
Charlie & Hannah: Or don’t. [everyone laughs]
Kim: No…
Sequoia: [laughing] We recommend that you do. These… these two are…
Kim: This is…
Sequoia: These two are our sister podcast.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequioa: So if you listen to us and you like us, then you’ll like them too.
Kim: We promise.
Sequoia: We promise.
Charlie: Yeah, I… I feel like there's similar levels of chaos and sarcasm. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Of tears, yeah.
Sequoia: If you liked the uptick in dick jokes, then you’ll… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh, nice. I can’t believe you were the one making the dick jokes.
Sequoia: I know! I really am… I… I was…
Kim: I was too focused on what the fuck was happening. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: That’s true. All right.
Hannah: This has… this has been so much fun, though. Thank you guys so much for having us on! This has been so much fun.
Charlie: Yeah, thank you so much!
Kim: Thanks for coming! Maybe next time we can join you in the alcohol and not have to drink coffee because someone has to go to work.
Sequoia: I always have to go to work. Boo. [everyone laughs] I mean, argh, my coworkers listen to this podcast, I love work! Argh! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: All right, thank you so much!
Sequoia: All right, thanks, guys!
Charlie: Thanks!
Hannah: Thank you! Bye!
Charlie: Bye!
Sequoia: Oh, that was so fun! We love them! Thanks so much to the Goblet of Wine girls from coming on. We’ll just do the… the rest of our shit here real quick. You can find a complete list of our recommendations on our website.
Kim: Correct.
[long pause]
Sequoia: Are you just doing this because we talked about it earlier?
Kim: No, I’m not looking at the porn, sorry.
Sequoia: I really hate you. [laughs]
Kim: Website!
Sequoia: Our website is FanaticalFics.com, where you can also find our story submission form. Send us that good, good, shit!
Kim: Also on our website is some of that merch. We’ve got… we’ve got two merch websites, because of course we do, still, continuing.
Sequoia: Still. [both laugh]
Kim: We’ve got posters and stickers on our website, and then we also have a TeePublic where you can find all kinds of other stuff, so do check that out.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media at Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Yup. [laughs]
Sequoia: You can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com with your hold for the end please submissions, your Trick Your Friends 2019 campaign tools, or whatever thoughts you have.
Kim: And just, like, a screenshot of the… [Sequoia laughs] of… of a screen on your computer that’s just a picture of Draco being called the ex-ice prince.
Sequoia: The ex-ice prince of Slytherin.
Kim: No explanation necessary, apparently.
Sequoia: No explanation! I loved that email. That was good! [both laugh]
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help out this podcast, there are a few ways that you can do that.
Sequoia: As we said at the top, leave us a review on iTunes and Facebook.
Kim: We’ll shout those out.
Sequoia: Eventually.
Kim: Trick Your Friends 2019.
Sequoia: You don’t need the campaign tools to do it. Just… as many of our listeners has do… have done thus far, just lock your friends in your car with you, and then play Love of a Cat, Love of a Man.
Kim: Don’t do that! [laughs]
Sequoia: You can also help us out by going to our Patreon and becoming a Patron. Join the fam on Patreon.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: We do writing competitions, book club…
Kim: This month is gonna be a livestream episode.
Sequoia: Livestream, mhm. We got a livestream coming up.
Kim: [sing song] Looking forward to that!
Sequoia: So there’s lots of fun stuff on Patreon, and speaking of Patreon, once you’re a Patron for six months, we shout you out using some of our weird…
Kim: Stuff.
Sequoia: Stuff. So here we go. Kim, do you want to start us out?
Kim: Sure. [bad Bulgarian accent] I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen me, Hermione and Ron and Harry, because I’ve been so busy not getting mentioned in the books. [Sequoia laughs] But my friend Cecilia convinced me that it’s time to tell you all the truth. I’ve been in love with Ron the whole time. Now let’s run away together!
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah, fucking incredible.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: And here I go. Remus Lupin needed to get a hobby. After years of lonely werewolf existence, it was time to get out of the house. But what could his new hobby be? Remus was never a jock, or particularly musically inclined, so when he saw an advertisement for a local stitch and bitch group hosted by Amanda, he figures it’s worth a try. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Oh my goodness, adorable.
Sequoia: Yeah. All right, so that’s the end of our shout outs for today.
Kim: I’d also like to shout out The Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, it’s Wolfstar!
Sequoia and Kim: Byeeeeeeee!