Episode 59: The Last
Welcome to The Snitchwich Cast! This is a Snitchwich podcast.
Recommendation: Sheer Madness of the Marauder Sort
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2863859/1/Sheer-Madness-of-the-Marauder-Sort
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Vic
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
[chewing]
Kim: Oh, this is not the same.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh god!
Kim: It’s the sunflower seed butter.
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Aw man.
Sequoia: I don’t know if I can do this. [Kim laughs] I don’t know if I can eat the rest of this.
Kim: Oh man. Oh.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Sunflower seed butter just makes me so sad.
Sequoia: [laughing] Welcome to the Snitchwich Cast! [Kim laughs] Oh jeez. [normally] Well, I’m gonna put that away from me now.
Kim: So we’re back from LeakyCon, and in case you didn’t see on our social media, Fanatical Fics is cancelled.
Sequoia: Yes, this is now a Snitchwich fan podcast.
Kim: So, how was your first post LeakyCon Snitchwich?
Sequoia: Terrible. [Kim laughs] This has been… this has been a truly terrible, heart-rending sort of a… sort of an experience for me. We are peanut butter free…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...in this household.
Kim: Yeah, that’s… that’s true.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: I didn’t think that the peanut butter would be such an important part of the Snitchwich experience but, wow sunflower seed butter is wrong.
Sequoia: It’s wrong. I took one bite. I can’t take another bite. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, I keep eating it.
Sequoia: Don’t. [both laugh] Whoo!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: We tricked you! It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast!
Sequoia: [laughing] Nobody suspected we were tricking them because we’ve never done this bit before! [both laugh]
Both: Whooo.
Kim: Oh. It’s… I am a little sad that our Snitchwich Cast bit has preempted our Masked Cast bit.
Sequoia: I know! We haven’t done a Masked Cast bit at all.
Kim: It’s comin’, I guess.
Sequoia: We’ll get there, you guys. There’s a… there’s a whole lots more episodes of the show to get to.
Kim: I love it so much!
Sequoia: It’s so good. Watch the Masked Singer. So let’s get into some announcements. First of all…
Kim: Today.
Sequoia: Today.
Kim: I am on the… today’s episode of Goblet of Wine.
Sequoia: Yes. So once you are done listening to this episode of Fanatical Fics, go to the Goblet of Wine podcast and listen to Kim’s episode.
Kim: Yeah. We are covering chapters thirteen and fourteen of book three, and it was so incredibly fun, and I like… Charlie and Hannah are amazing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Go listen to their whole podcast.
Kim: And they have the good Harry Potter takes. I like them.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’re gonna have them on this podcast really soon!
Kim: Real soon.
Sequoia: Real soon.
Kim: We’re looking forward to it.
Sequoia: So go listen to that. That link will be in the description. Also an announcement, we… we have a new piece of merch.
Kim: It’s got some real good tildes on it. I like your design.
Sequoia: Thank you. It says “Create the fanfiction you want to see in this world.” It comes in wall art and notebooks and laptop cases and such, and we are donating 50% of all of our proceeds from that design forever to Archive of Our Own.
Kim: Because we love them. Also, trick your friends. [laughs]
Sequoia: Also trick your friends! So here’s the thing. We…
Kim: The campaign continues. We get the… we’ve gotten this question a few times, can I still get in on the campaign? The campaign continues…
Sequoia: The campaign is forever.
Kim: ...until we run out of mailing stuff to you money.
Sequoia: Yes. [Kim laughs] Which is who knows when.
Kim: [high pitched] Whoo.
Sequoia: Just keep sending us your mailing address. It’s fine.
Kim: And keep sending stuff to wherever.
Sequoia: [laughs] We’re up to fifteen countries now.
Kim: That’s amazing.
Sequoia: We’ll just send… we’ll send it to you. [Kim laughs] If you wanna pay us back for shipping… lots of people are asking to pay us back for shipping. Don’t pay us back for shipping. Just become a Patron for one to two months. And then…
Kim: That gives us money, but also gives you bonus content.
Sequoia: Yeah! Then you have access to all this backlog of bonus content as well instead of just giving us…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: ...money for postage.
Kim: We’ve got our newest episode for this month dropping soon, as well as the writing competition. There’s another week of that left?
Sequoia: There is one. As of the release of this episode, there is one week left to submit.
Kim: [sing-song] We’ve already gotten a bunch of submissions.
Sequoia: Mhm. So if you become a $7 or $10 Patron, you will have access to the Discord channel and you will be able to [dramatically] submit to the writing competition. [normally] Which I am so stoked about.
Kim: Yeah, and the winners… the winners for that will go up somewhere.
Sequoia: Yes. We’re still…
Kim: Probably our website.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’re still figuring that out, but we will keep you updated on that.
Kim: Keep an eye out for that.
Sequoia: So, we… we fuckin’ did a thing, my dude.
Kim: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] Heh.
Sequoia: We just got back from LeakyCon! That was so crazy.
Kim: That was… yeah. I… I said in the live episode that that was going to be the second most nuts thing we’d ever done real soon, and yeah. I was correct. That was the most… LeakyCon… presenting at LeakyCon… just kind of being at LeakyCon as a podcast?
Sequoia: I… we met so many people that listen to the podcast.
Kim: And it was so nice meeting all of you. You’re all so nice and cool and I like you all very much.
Sequoia: Yeah! And it was like, it felt very… I don’t know. It felt very, like, natural and fun to talk to everyone.
Kim: Our presentation was nuts, I honestly was like, there’s gonna be five people here, and then there were so many!
Sequoia: So many people there, and here’s the thing.
Kim: And I ate so many Pixie Stix.
Sequoia: Man. I was shaking for like an hour after we finished the presentation.
Kim: Oh, really? ‘Cause I was exhausted the second it finished. [Sequoia laughs] I was like, I’ve never been so tired in my life. No amount of Pixie Stix will make up for this… this profound tiredness.
Sequoia: I was shaking. But I was also… it was also like a big adrenaline rush, and honestly, you know though, we’ll keep you guys updated on how we’re releasing the content from our panel.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Cause we’re still not exactly sure how that’s gonna happen. But we’ll keep you updated.
Kim: We’ll get it out somewhere.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’ll get you content. We will.
Kim: Some portion of it will go somewhere.
Sequoia: Exactly. [laughs] But honestly, like, I think one… one of the big draws, one of the big helps to getting all those people to our panel is FUCKING Mike Schubert. You guys?
Kim: He’s maybe the nicest person I’ve ever met?
Sequoia: We love Mike Schubert. We stan Mike Schubert. [both laugh very loudly] So if you… I mean, I… I assume most people here listen to Potterless, but if you don’t, you should just go… go check it out. Because..
Kim: Go… go check out that nice nice person.
Sequoia: That nice nice boy. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, he’s so nice. And his listeners are all so nice.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: We were instructed that we had to be at his meetup by one of our listeners.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] And that was so fun. I always go to the Potterless meetups at everything.
Kim: They’re… they’re all so nice! We were… we were very tired. That… that was after we…
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: ...yelled at our panel and we were both like, let’s just die [Sequoia laughs] for a little bit.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: And then nope, we have to go have some fun.
Sequoia: Nope, we had to rally, and go… go hang out with the Potterless listeners, who are all so great.
Kim: They were all very nice.
Sequoia: And so we also, another podcaster that we met…
Kim: Who’s also very nice!
Sequoia: Who’s also freaking great. Eric Scull!
Kim: How is everyone so amazing, and… and… god, we are such shitheads! [Sequoia groans] And we have met such amazing people.
Sequoia: Why do we get to be here? [laughs]
Kim: The Harry Potter community is so incredibly nice and I… wow. Wow, what am I doing here?
Sequoia: Jesus, yeah. Eric Scull from MuggleCast read us…
Kim: His beautiful…
Sequoia: His beautiful!
Kim: ...heartfelt…
Sequoia: ...Hinny fanfiction for a MuggleCast bonus Patreon episode. I don’t know if any of you guys are Patrons of MuggleCast, but, like, he wrote a beautiful thing and is continuing to write that, and we’re going to continue to be read it [Kim squeaks] for bonus content for MuggleCast. I… I… I am so blown away. I can’t. I have no words. Here we go. I’m done.
Kim: [gasping] Whoo!
Sequoia: Who let us be here? I don’t know.
Kim: Yeah, no, we don’t deserve to be here, but we’re here and we’re taking advantage of it, and wow.
Sequoia: Yeah, so soon we’re… we just had Mike on.
Kim: We’re makin’ the most of it!
Sequoia: Oh no, we’re making the most of it! [Kim laughs] Goddamn it. So we just had Mike on. We’re having the girls from Goblet of Wine on pretty soon here, and then after that we’re gonna have…
Kim: More guests!
Sequoia: ...MuggleCast people on.
Kim: There were so many incredibly, like, nice people at LeakyCon, but also incredibly funny people.
Sequoia: So funny! And we are stoked. We have got… we’re gonna have guests til the end of time, you guys.
Kim: We’re gonna be reaching out to people.
Sequoia: We’re not gonna do it every episode. Probably every other episode is kind of where we’re looking at right now.
Kim: Weeeellllll, we’ll see. If we do it every other episode then I’m gonna get stuck with every guest. So that’s not what we’re gonna do. [Sequoia laughs] And…
Sequoia: We’ll figure it out.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: We’ll figure it out. But…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Very exciting.
Kim: We’re gonna have a bunch of guests, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah. So that’s the end of our Leaky-screaming. [Kim laughs] That was a lot of screaming.
Kim: Wow, yeah, that was…
Sequoia: We’re just, like, very excited.
Kim: It was…
Sequoia: ...about the Harry Potter community and everything. If you guys weren’t there this time, next time it’s in Orlando, Florida.
Kim: It’s gonna be incredible.
Sequoia: It’s gonna be so great, and you should come.
Kim: We’re already…
Both: ....thinking about…
Kim: What we wanna do.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: But also…
Sequoia: If you were… if you were there and you did come to our panel, by the way, go to the LeakyCon app and rate and review it. Because…
Kim: Yeah, if we get enough good reviews we’ll do a sequel.
Sequoia: [valley girl voice] We’ll do a sequel. [normally] I don’t know what we’re gonna do.
Kim: It’s stupid. Stupid. [Sequoia laughs] That was a stupid bit.
Sequoia: Okay! Well, this is a fanfiction podcast.
Kim: This isn’t a LeakyCon screaming podcast?
Sequoia: This is not a… nor is it a Snitchwich podcast. NOR is it a Masked Singer podcast.
Kim: What about a Taylor Swift podcast? [laughs]
Sequoia: It’s definitely a Taylor Swift podcast. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: This is the podcast where we go through Taylor Swift songs line by line. [both dissolve into laughter]
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Y’all, there’s a Harry Potter podcast where they go through Harry Potter page by page. Every episode is a page.
Kim: Incredible. So dedicated.
Sequoia: Whoo! All right, here’s the thing.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You’re… it’s time for predictions.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: So make sure to get your predictions in. Tweet at us @fanaticalfics, #FanficDivination.
Kim: Or…
Sequoia: Or!
Kim: If you’re a Patron, tweet them at as and post them in the Discord.
Sequoia: Or! Draw them and put them on Instagram! [laughs]
Kim: No, that’s not… I don’t think that’s… I don’t…
Sequoia: Is that never gonna happen? Is that never gonna be a thing?
Kim: I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen again.
Sequoia: Fine. I’m fine with it. This is not disappointment. Okay. I’m gonna need some predictions for…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: [ominous voice] The Last. This is going to…
Kim: The Last?
Sequoia: The Last. Is what it’s called. [Kim sighs] Action/adventure.
Kim: Ohh, yes.
Sequoia: Released between Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows.
Kim: I can see the banner on your screen, you’re on AO3.
Sequoia: I am on AO3 because this is a listener submission! Pew pew pewwww!
Kim: There are so many tags. I can’t read them, but I can see the size of the tag list.
Sequoia: Don’t look at it. [Kim laughs] Don’t look at this!
Kim: What the fuck is this?
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s beautiful. And amazing and gorgeous.
Kim: Okay. I’m gonna guess that “the last” refers to the last Horcrux…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ...being destroyed.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Or just the last Horcrux.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: I’m gonna guess that there will be a romantic pairing in this, and it… will… be… [sounding strained] Harmony.
Sequoia: And?
Kim: Harry is going to join forces with a magical creature.
Sequoia: [high-pitched] Okay! That’s a really good one.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: I like that. I mean, it’s… it’s intriguing.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: I’ll give you that.
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia: All right, this is a listener submission. I’m very, very excited to be reading this to you today. [Kim sighs] I was reading it crying into my pillow. [both suppress laughter] So here we go!
Kim: Lovely. I’m excited, I guess.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: Actually, I’m terrified. The listeners find the most terrifying shit.
Sequoia: Dude, this story is whack! [both laugh] Whoo.
Kim: I mean, you’re pretty vanilla in your… in your readings generally.
Sequoia: I am. I am.
Kim: The listeners, man.
Sequoia: Okay. So here’s the thing though, is, like, sometimes the li… okay. The listeners are very good at knowing you and knowing me.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: They send YOU some, like, vomit inducing, like, scary-ass shit. [Kim laughs] They send ME some…
Kim: The good stuff.
Sequoia: Some fuckin’... [Kim laughs] this.
Kim: The good terrifying stuff.
Sequoia: This is what they send me. Ahh. Here we are. [in a deep voice] The Last. Chapter one.
Kim: [whispering] Chapter. Always excited when there’s chapters.
Sequoia: This is gonna give is… this is gonna give us a locale.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Latito School of Magic. Location: Unknown. Friday, June 30th 2000.
Kim: Can you say that school name again?
Sequoia: Latito.
Kim: Latito?
Sequoia: School of Magic.
Kim: Does that mean something?
Sequoia: It’s Latin.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m not gonna tell you what it means.
Kim: Hold for the text?
Sequoia: [laughs] Hold for the text.
Kim: Aight.
Sequoia: Well, there’s a lot of Latin in this story. Do you want me to tell you what it means? ‘Cause they do an author’s note at the end that tells you what all the things were, so do you want me to tell you as we go?
Kim: I mean, if it’s gonna reveal stuff that’s gonna happen later, don’t.
Sequoia: I don’t think it will.
Kim: But if it’s just… okay.
Sequoia: I don’t think it will. I think…
Kim: Then tell me what’s happening!
Sequoia: Okay. Latito, it basically means hidden.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So location unknown.
Kim: Okay. So it’s the Hidden School of Magic.
Sequoia: The Hidden School of Magic.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Location unknown.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Friday, June 30th, 2000.
Kim: Excellent. 2000?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I always… ughhhhh. [Sequoia laughs] Okay, in fanfiction.
Sequoia: [suppressing laughter] Mhm.
Kim: Years happen at random.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: ‘Cause… so when you read that a story is taking place in, like, the mid or early 2000s, you’re like, does this author actually know that book two was firmly confirmed as taking place in 1992, OR do they think that the books are taking place in whatever year they’re reading them? Because it could be fucking either one.
Sequoia: I think this one… ‘cause 2000 would be… this is… this does not take place in 2000 as far as, like, what we know the books actually take place in.
Kim: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: So this is outside of that.
Kim: Okay. That’s just… that’s… I have… I complain less about canon inconsistency now than I used to, but that drives me up the WALL!
Sequoia: [laughing] Excellent. [pause] Harry Potter strolled silently through the castle that had been his home for two long years.
Kim: Harry’s transferred… Harry’s the transfer student!?
Sequoia: [sing-songy] Harry’s the transfer student. His soft leather training boots made little sounds.
Kim: [laughing] Okay, what? [Sequoia laughs] I’m sorry.
Sequoia: He’s wearing leather training boots, to train!
Kim: Soft… like silent… is this like a ninja magic school?
Sequoia: Uhhh, I don’t know. It’s a some kinda something magic school!
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: Where you need soft leather training boots that make little sounds.
Kim: [laughs] Awesome.
Sequoia: It’s Brian, he’s here! [both laugh]
Kim: Brian! Oh dang! [both laugh]
Sequoia: As he wandered through the familiar stone halls, his mind raced as he paced, thoughts of the past and of the future yet to come.
Kim: [laughing] Fine.
Sequoia: He sighed softly as he rounded the corner that would take him to his rooms. He pushed…
Kim: Rooms? Hmm, fancy.
Sequoia: He’s a… he’s a fancy boy.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: He’s like, you know…
Kim: Is he like… is this a fanfiction where the head boy gets a suite of rooms?
Sequoia: I think he just gets one ‘cause he’s rich. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh. Oh! Okay.
Sequoia: I think that’s just… he gets to do that. Well, no, it’s ‘cause he’s important.
Kim: Ohhhh.
Sequoia: Actually. It’s because he’s very important, he’s the…
Both: [mockingly] Chosen One.
Kim: I’m the Chosen One!
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo. He pushed open the door to his suite and was not at all shocked to find a group of people sitting in his living room.
Kim: I’m always shocked to see a group of people.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just any group of people?
Kim: Any group of people.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Oh god, people! [Sequoia laughs] More than two!
Sequoia: Oh no. Harry sighed as he leaned against the door. [Kim laughs] The people in the living room… [Kim sighs dramatically] He’s like, ugh. I guess you’re here. In my living room. Excellent. My living room.
Kim: [laughs] Who… who… who is Harry today?
Sequoia: In the fucking school.
Kim: Why does he have a living room? [Sequoia laughs] Good god!
Sequoia: Whoo. The people in the living room turned towards him and a tall, auburn haired man jumped up and ran towards him.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “There you are, Sinful!”
Kim: [gasping] What?!
Sequoia: [laughing] I’m sorry. [both laugh] They call him Sinful in this story! That’s his nickname!
Kim: No, his name’s Brian.
Sequoia: His name is Sinful!
Kim: Brian Sinful.
Sequoia: [laughs] Brian Sinful, the obvious murderer.
Kim: [laughing] Sinful. Did Harry pick that name?
Sequoia: [laughing] I don’t think so. [both laugh] Because, well, hold for the text please.
Kim: [high-pitched and screaming] No, I’m already crying! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I told you I was crying into my pillow! [Kim sobs in the background] I just, like… sometimes when you’re reading fanfiction in your room, crying, you don’t want your roommates to think that you’re just, like, in your room crying. [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Cause they would be concerned.
Sequoia: They would be concerned. So then you just cry silently, softly, into your pillow. [dissolves into laughter] “There you are, Sinful! We just heard, and when we got here you weren’t anywhere!” He took a deep breath and continued on with his rant, but Harry…
Kim: So Harry… Harry wasn’t anywhere. He was… hidden?
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Fuck off. [laughs again] But Harry wasn’t listening. His thoughts had, once again, flowed over him. [Kim laughs] He was having no thoughts, and then he was having thoughts again.
Kim: Suddenly, thoughts!
Sequoia: He’s like, oh god, I’m sorry, I can’t have thoughts…
Kim: I can either…
Sequoia: ...and listen to you!
Kim: I can’t… yeah! I can’t be thinking and listening, that’s too much work.
Sequoia: At the same time. “Sin, are you even listening to me?”
Kim: Oh, we’re not gonna get Harry’s thoughts?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Just, thoughts are…
Sequoia: Just his shorter nickname.
Kim: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] Why? What… what the fuck is the purpose of a nickname if you need a fucking shorter nickname?
Sequoia: [humming] You’ll see.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: What? What, I’m gonna see?
Sequoia: You’re gonna see!
Kim: I’m gonna get an explanation of his nick…
Sequoia: Sort of!
Kim: [Tarzan-like noises] OhHhHh!
Sequoia: “Sin, are you even listening to me?” the redhead asked as he put a hand on his hip in an irritated manner.
Kim: Is he a redhead or auburn haired, because those are different colors, and is it Ron?
Sequoia: It is not Ron.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: And his hair is whatever color we feel like in the moment.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry gave a charming smile and flopped down onto one of his lovely leather chairs. [Kim laughs] There’s a lot of leather in this story, just F.Y.I .[laughs]
Kim: So any time I hear anyone flopping… my cat does this thing where he flops. [Sequoia laughs] And he makes this noise when he does so. It’s… he’s very dramatic, he’s like [high-pitched] hmph! [Sequoia laughs] He does it usually when he… when I’m not feeding him dinner and he’s, like, running in front of me and then flopping down. Hmph!
Sequoia: Oh good. Oh good. So that’s…
Kim: Anyway, so I’m picturing…
Sequoia: ...what you’re picturing.
Kim: Yeah. Harry.
Sequoia: Weird. Fine.
Kim: Hmph!
Sequoia: Hmph! [laughs] Into one of his lovely leather chairs. “Of course he wasn’t, Danny. He was...”
Kim: Danny? Why doesn’t Danny get a cool nickname?
Sequoia: If you’ll… I can’t tell you! I can’t tell you!
Kim: [shouting over Sequoia] I don’t know what… what is happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] “Of course he wasn’t, Danny. He was too busy thinking of having to leave us,” a blonde said from the couch.
Kim: Is it Draco?
Sequoia: [laughs] No. “Her golden eyes screamed in laughter, as...” [both laugh]
Kim: Loud fuckin’ eyes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughing] Shit.
Sequoia: Scream eyes, strobe eyes…
Kim: I don’t think… I don’t know that I’ve ever seen someone’s eyes scream. I’mma do it. I’mma do it.
Sequoia: Oh man. Oh, no! Oh, god! That’s… uhhh. I don’t like that.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I almost started screaming… I started singing the I scream, we all scream for ice cream. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Ice cream.
Sequoia: [laughing] Ice cream. What a dumb joke. Here I go. [laughs] All right.
Kim: [laughing] I’m crying again.
Sequoia: Whoo. Her golden eyes screamed in laughter as Kenneth threw a pillow at her.
Kim: Kenneth!
Sequoia: Fuckin’ Danny and Kenneth.
Kim: Danny and Kenneth. These are great names.
Sequoia: “Be nice, Grace. Sinful is obviously upset.”
Kim: [laughing] What?
Sequoia: [laughing] I just… I fucking love it so much.
Kim: You know, Danny. Kenny.
Both: Gracie. And [evil villain voice] Sinful.
Sequoia: Here they are. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Goddamn. Fuck.
Sequoia: Kill me. “Sinful’s obviously upset, or he wouldn’t have been wandering the halls again,” came a soft, silky voice from a shadowy corner. [both laugh]
Kim: This cast of characters is incredible.
Sequoia: They’re great. I love them.
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: I would… I would call them the new trio but there’s definitely four of them.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yep. “Oka…”
Kim: Well, five with Harry.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. [laughs]
Kim: ‘Cause now we got a shadowy figure.
Sequoia: And we got Danny and Kenneth and Grace.
Kim: And shadow.
Sequoia: And shadow. Do we get a name? We’ll see. “Oh, Kenneth.” No, that was Kenneth.
Kim: Oh, Kenneth is the shadowy figure?
Sequoia: Kenneth is in the shadowy corner, yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: He’s a shadowy corner guy. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it’s a real shadowy corner guy name.
Sequoia: [laughing] Kenneth.
Kim: Sorry, I just think of 30 Rock. [Sequoia laughs] I can’t make fun of people’s names ‘cause you never know.
Sequoia: Yeah, we probably… there’s probably a Kenneth that listened to this episode.
Kim: I’m not making fun of you, Kenneth!
Sequoia: Tweet at us, Kenneth! [both laugh] “Oh, Kenneth. Sinful is always wandering the halls,” Grace replied as a tall, dark-skinned man joined her on the couch.
Kim: He’s always sad.
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s always sad.
Kim: Is that what they said?
Sequoia: No, he’s having thoughts.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And he can’t be around other people when he’s having thoughts, because they’ll try to talk to him, and he can’t listen and have thoughts at the same time. [laughs] [Kim mutters] Harry just smiled sadly, and bent down to untie his boots. “So, Harry, love.” They’re calling him Harry now. [Kim laughs, sounding choked] She just called him Harry and Sinful in the same sentence, it’s fine.
Kim: Ohhh. [Sequoia laughs] Whaaat… is happening?
Sequoia: “When do you leave our hallowed home?” “Tomorrow I leave,” Harry replied as he pushed a strand of his [enunciating clearly] silver and ebony hair out of his eyes.
Kim: Yessss! [Sequoia laughs] Why is his hair silverrr? I’m into it. [Sequoia laughs] Didn’t it… his hair turned silver in the one with Blaise.
Sequoia: Ohhh, uhh… Hope…
Both: Hope Springs Eternal.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Yeah, after he died?
Kim: After he died!
Sequoia: His hair turned…
Kim: So he’s half died in this one.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] No, he’s just Sinful, and that’s… he… he has to really outwardly appear kind of edgy, so he has sort of… [laughs]
Kim: Skunk hair?
Sequoia: [laughing] Silver skunk hair.
Kim: He looks like Rogue?
Sequoia: [laughs] No, I think way more of his hair is silver than that.
Kim: Well, she’s got a huge stripe down the middle.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true. He…
Kim: Harry looks…
Sequoia: Maybe it is like that.
Kim: Sinful looks like a skunk. Confirmed.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs] He sighed at the pouts that came from his three friends. “Master Ray has already put off my departure by a good half year. I cannot ask him to keep up his pretence.”
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: “Of course, Harry, dear, but we shall miss you.” “You’ll come back and visit, won’t ya Sinful?”
Kim: No, I hate everyone.
Sequoia: No, he’s…
Kim: I don’t understand
Sequoia: He’s having a emo…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...like sort of a moment.
Kim: It’s 2000.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s 2000. Was silver hair cool in 2000? I don’t know.
Kim: Like frosted tips?
Sequoia: Frosted tips! [laughs] Whoo. So they’re asking when he’ll come back. “Yes, but it won’t be an everyday thing, Shadow,” Harry said.
Kim: Which one is Shadow? Is Ken Shadow?
Sequoia: It’s Kenneth. He was in the shadow in the corner earlier. So clearly it’s Kenneth. [laughs] Kenneth/Shadow.
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: Harry/Sinful.
Kim: I… [laughing] shit. [Sequoia laughs] I love it when you get weird ass nicknames like this. Oh, yes.
Sequoia: You don’t even know.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: You don’t even know. You don’t even understand.
Kim: Please continue. Please continue! I feel like we’re, like, not even into it yet.
Sequoia: With a sigh, he ushered the three other students out of his chambers and went to bed.
Kim: Okay. I don’t feel like that was the end of the conversation, but fine.
Sequoia: Well, they were like…
Kim: Now leave!
Sequoia: [laughs] Leave my chambers!
Kim: I mean, it’s kind of like…
Sequoia: My… my living room.
Kim: That’s kind of what you do to me when I’ve stayed at your house too long. You just tell me to leave.
Sequoia: I did do that the other night.
Kim: You do that…
Sequoia: But that…
Kim: You’ve done that like every night I’ve come over to visit recently.
Sequoia: Right, because here’s the thing, is you sit there and you’re like, hey, it’s past my bedtime. And then you keep sitting there. And then I’m like, hey, it’s past your bedtime, leave my house. [both laugh] It’s… it’s… I’m trying to help.
Kim: So that’s what happened here. Harry was like, it’s past all of your bedtimes!
Sequoia: Past all your bedtimes. Shadow, it is past your bedtime!
Kim: Leave!
Sequoia: Leave! My living room. Latito School of Magic. Location: Unknown.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Saturday. July 1st, 2000.
Kim: I don’t think… I don’t think you need… you don’t need to say the location if you haven’t moved locations.
Sequoia: But it’s a new day.
Kim: So?
Sequoia: It’s a new day.
Kim: So? How many days has it been?
Sequoia: One.
Kim: It’s the same day. Okay. [Sequoia laughs] It’s the next day. Fine.
Sequoia: It’s the next day, because he said that he was… Master Ray was sending him home the next day.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: So it’s the next day.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Still Latito School of Magic, location unknown.
Kim: Fine. [both laugh] Weird.
Sequoia: Harry walked calmly into the office of Headmaster Ray Demoche.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Ray Demoche was a young man of 50.
Kim: Weird that they’re calling him by their first… by his first name.
Sequoia: Ray?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He sounds like the kind of teacher that sits on a backwards chair with like… like an ironic t-shirt on, and is like, aren’t we all friends here? [laughs]
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: My… you can just call me Ray.
Kim: Yikes, yikes, yiiikes.
Sequoia: Ray Demoche was a young man of 50. His once proud black hair had long since begun to bleed gray. His regal blue eyes seemed to see past the secrets that hid themselves in a person’s soul.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Ray knew well the secrets that resided in his castle, but not even the strongest truth potion would draw them out.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. [laughs] He smiled as Harry walked evenly into his office. He knew that, though the young man’s face was blank…
Kim: What does walking evenly mean?
Sequoia: It means…
Kim: As opposed to walking unevenly?
Sequoia: Like a… like a wobble.
Kim: Why would Harry be walking unevenly!?
Sequoia: [laughs] No, he’s ca… he’s calm. He’s even. He’s…
Kim: Not jumping about all nimbly bimbly?
Sequoia: No, not… [laughing] in his quiet leather boots? [laughs]
Kim: Harry hopped about!
Sequoia: Ha! Hoo! Heh! [both laugh]
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: Stupid. Whoo! He knew that, though the young man’s face was blank, he was a tirade of emotions on the inside. He also knew that Harry would never again show those emotions to the world.
Kim: Oh no! Is Harry gonna die!?
Sequoia: [laughing] No! This is just one of those stories where Harry is taught that emotion is, like, weakness or something. You know?
Kim: [sadly] Yeah.
Sequoia: You know, which is like a very much absolutely the opposite of what the book is. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughing] ‘Cause, like, literally the book is about how love will conquer all, and then fanfiction is like, yeah but what if we taught Harry that emotion is bad?
Kim: Push away all emotions.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: You feel nothing! Sad.
Sequoia: He had been trained as a warrior, and a warrior’s life was unforgiving to the weak. [both laugh]
Kim: Harry, emotions aren’t weakness.
Sequoia: They’re not. And that’s… that’s…
Kim: [softly] Emotions like love and friendship, those are your greatest… fuck.
Sequoia: [laughing] No, he’s a warrior and a warrior's life is unforgiving to the weak. Or something.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: He’s got leather boots now.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. How do I say this? “Bonus conticinium.”
Kim: Excellent. Well pronounced.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Child.”
Kim: Is that some Latin?
Sequoia: Yep. It’s, like, hello. Or something. I don’t know. I’m gonna look. Good evening…
Kim: Good evening. Okay.
Sequoia: ...is what it means. Ray said as Harry came to stand in front of him. And then Harry says it back to him. I’m not gonna try again.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry replied with a quick half-bow. His voice lacked the normal familiarity that he had when speaking to the headmaster.
Kim: Right, because he has no feelings! He is an emotionless blank slate.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [almost robotically] Good evening, Headmaster.
Sequoia: [in a monotone] Good evening, Headmaster.
Kim: [full robot now] I am Sinful.
Sequoia: [monotone] I am Sinful the Warrior. [both laugh] Ray sighed softly and tapped his fingers on a folder on his desk. He held it so Harry could see what the tab said. “Potter, Harry.”
Kim: Comma. Sinful.
Sequoia: Parenthesis.
Kim: No, parenthesis? Really?
Sequoia: Sinful. [laughs]
Kim: WHY?!
Sequoia: It’s like his warrior code name!
Kim: Is Harry an X-Man? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah, he is, I think.
Kim: Has he joined the new mutants?
Sequoia: I think so!
Kim: Is that what’s happening?
Sequoia: Maybe that’s what’s happening!
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Sinful, the new mutant. “This folder has everything you need to continue with your training. I will also have Anna send you your potions.” Harry reached for the folder, with a wave of his hand shrank it, and placed it in a hidden pocket in his pants.
Kim: Love that wandless magic. Do that.
Sequoia: Yeah! He’s very powerful and he’s been trained to… what… to whatever with some warriorness. [pause] He’s an X-Man. [both laugh] He held up a second folder. “Potter, Harry.” No Sinful on this one.
Kim: Oh! Oh no!
Sequoia: This is… this is… this is the decoy folder.
Kim: What!?
Sequoia: So that no…
Kim: What!?
Sequoia: So that… that… he’s got his special training Sinful folder that he’s hidden, and then he has this regular folder. It’s the decoy folder.
Kim: Why not keep it in something other than a folder? [Sequoia laughs] Feels very insecure.
Sequoia: You know, I…
Kim: At least put the folder in a briefcase.
Sequoia: It’s a magic folder.
Kim: Fine. [Sequoia laughs] Then why do you need a decoy if it’s a magic folder?
Sequoia: Because this one he doesn’t get to keep.
Kim: Oh, okay. Sure.
Sequoia: “This is what you will give to the headmaster. It has a list of what classes you took.”
Kim: Wait. Is this not the headmaster? Ohhh, okay. Continue.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. “It has a list of what classes you took.” At Harry’s questioning look…
Kim: It’s his transcript?
Sequoia: It’s his transcript. It’s in a folder. It’s his transcript.
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: From his transfer…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ...times.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So that they can transfer his credits. [both laugh]
Kim: Look, if this is taking place in 2000, Harry is, like, twenty.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No he’s not.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, I’m just telling you that no, he’s not twenty…
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: ...in the story! At Harry’s questioning look, he added, “Well, I did leave out some of the more questionable courses, but the normal stuff is in there.”
Kim: What has Harry been taking?
Sequoia: Harry’s been taking some, like… like, Warrior, level one. Wandless magic.
Kim: Stabbing, level three.
Sequoia: Making Up Your Code Name, level… [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Quiet Stepping in Leather Boots. That’s just… that’s like a… that’s like a…
Sequoia: That’s just one time.
Kim: That’s a… yeah, that’s a workshop.
Sequoia: That’s a one-shot course, yeah. [laughs] Whoo!
Kim: [laughs] Stupid.
Sequoia: “Thank you, Master Ray,” Harry said with a smile. The man smiled back and handed Harry an old rock.
Kim: Smiling is weakness.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no! Great. The second the rock was in his hand, he was gone.
Kim: He’s handing him an old rock. Okay.
Sequoia: It’s a portkey.
Kim: Yeah, that’s fine.
Sequoia: But also, it’s an old rock as opposed to a new one. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, when you conjure a rock it would be a new rock.
Sequoia: That’s true, but I think it was just, like, a rock from, like, outside? I don’t know.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. Old rock.
Sequoia: He was… yeah, he was walking in and he was like, oh, I need a portkey. I got a rock here. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Location: Scotland. Saturday, July 1, 2000.
Kim: Wait, okay. I wasn’t paying attention earlier. What day was the other stuff happening on?
Sequoia: So the first thing happened on the day before.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then this… this headmaster thing was the next day, and it’s still that same day.
Kim: Oh, okay, same day.
Sequoia: So he’s just… this is him appearing, portkey in hand.
Kim: In July?
Sequoia: In July.
Kim: Mmkay. It’s summer break but fine.
Sequoia: You’ll see. It’s fine. The headmaster’s office was full that morning. Many people had come to welcome home their hero.
Kim: So they know Harry has been gone…
Sequoia: Yes. For training purposes, or transfer studenting, or something. He’s been gone.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: On purpose. ‘Kay.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Remus stood next to Sirius…
Kim: Yesssss!
Sequoia: ...trying to calm down the ex-convict…
Kim: Yesssss!
Sequoia: ...as he bounced around with excitement.
Kim: This is post Half Blood Prince, right?
Sequoia: Yes, it is.
Kim: Yess! [Sequoia laughs] [singing] Sirius is there for no apparent reason.
Sequoia: He’s here. He’s alive. He’s here. It’s fine.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Don’t worry about it.
Kim: Just gotta get a little bit of Wolfstar in there on the side.
Sequoia: Yeah! There’s, like… that’s it.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: That’s it. It’s that there right there.
Kim: Niiice.
Sequoia: Ron and Hermione stood by the door, talking in whispers about all the things they would do with their best friend again.
Kim: Make friendship bracelets. Run skipping through the meadows, hand in hand.
Sequoia: Have picnics by the lake.
Kim: Have feelings.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I think most of those things involve feelings and they’re about to be really just disappointed in what happens. Whoo! The rest of the Weasley family was all smiles. Several of the teachers stood off to the side, talking about all the things Harry could have learned. Even Snape seemed less moody. Post Half Blood Prince. [Kim splutters] Also, Dumbledore is here. [Kim screeches] Also, this… this is just… just… it’s just an alternate universe, it’s fine.
Kim: Yeah, that’s fine, that’s fine. This is probably… if I had to guess, this is probably like AU post Goblet of Fire. A lot of… a lot of AUs cut off, like, where they want the series to have been happening at Goblet of Fire and then are like, Order of the Phoenix didn’t happen! Sirius didn’t die! [Sequoia laughs while Kim fake sobs]
Sequoia: Yeah, no, that’s totally valid. Yeah, this is… this is definitely… it’s tagged alternate universe, so…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Albus Dumbledore sat at his desk with his fingers templed in front of him. He was slightly worried about who they were bringing back. He knew that Harry had changed.
Kim: [whispering] Sinful!
Sequoia: It was impossible to go to Latito without changing.
Kim: Into an X-Man. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sings the X-Men theme song poorly]
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no! [both laugh]
Kim: Should I not yell the X-Men theme music?
Sequoia: Uhhh, probably not.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo. He also knew that Harry was not going to be all peaches and cream, [struggling not to laugh] as the Muggle saying goes.
Kim: ‘Cause he was really that before.
Sequoia: Yeah, he was sooo peaches and cream, and then he went to this hidden magic school where people go to change. [both laugh]
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Why did you send him there? This is… fine.
Kim: Harry had to learn how to fight.
Sequoia: And keep his emotions under lock and key.
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause Dumbledore’s really into people not having emotions.
Sequoia: Exactly. Very anti-love, that guy. The boy probably felt betrayed and hurt that he was sent away.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I think it’s… it’s… he was sent away. That’s fine.
Kim: Yeah, that’s… that’s weird as… that’s real weird. They're like, Harry, go away for a while. We need you to be gone.
Sequoia: To receive your training!
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: He gave a silent sigh as a glow appeared in the room. Everyone fell quiet as a figure appeared. Are you ready?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: For the description…
Kim: Of Harry?
Sequoia: ...of Harry.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Let’s fucking go, man.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: The man was tall, with black and silver hair pulled into a ponytail.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: He had startling green eyes and a deep tanned skin.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He wore black dragonhide boots and pants.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: A tight black tank top clung to his hard body. [both laugh] Okay, it’s not over.
Kim: [strainedly] Continue.
Sequoia: Whoo! Over the shirt, he wore a thick black dragonhide vest.
Kim: Vest! [both laugh]
Sequoia: And a fucking vest over a tank top.
Kim: That is a look! [both laugh]
Both: Whoo!
Sequoia: With black and silver dragon scales covering the front.
Kim: But not the back.
Sequoia: No. He wore a silver gauntlet on his right wrist.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: And a silver band on his left bicep. [Kim laughs] Are you ready?
Kim: NO!
Sequoia: ‘Cause this keeps going.
Kim: NO!
Sequoia: Okay, this is gonna keep going.
Kim: Why is he wearing a gauntlet!?
Sequoia: He’s gotta have some jewelry!
Kim: Yeah, a gauntlet’s like a glove!
Sequoia: Yeah! It’s… decorative!
Kim: Is it his new spellcasting focus?
Sequoia: Maybe that’s how he does it! I don’t know.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He’s wearing it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The word “Sinful” was tattooed…
Kim: Noooooooo.
Sequoia: [laughing] ...on his right bicep.
Kim: Yesssssss.
Sequoia: Are. You. Ready?
Kim: This is just getting… this is just getting better, I can’t… is there MORE?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes. [Kim laughs] Yes, there’s more! [laughs] Are you ready for this Fanatical Fics universe tie in shit?
Kim: You’re like… clearly n… WHAT?
Sequoia: A sword hung from his hip in an arrogant fashion…
Kim: Wha…?
Sequoia: ...and the hilt of a dagger could be seen from one of his boots.
Kim: Um, how do you…
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I just need a moment.
Kim: How do you…? [Sequoia laughs] How do you…? How does a…? How does a sword…? [Sequoia groans] How does a sword hang arrogantly?
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s really not where I got hung up. [both laugh] You know, it was more of the tattoo.
Kim: Yeah, the tattoo’s…
Sequoia: The tattoo’s…
Kim: ...very bizarre.
Sequoia: ...very good.
Kim: Why would you have your code name tattooed to your body?
Sequoia: I thought it was a code name, so that nobody knew. Well…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: It… the… okay, so he doesn’t have “Harry” tattooed on his body.
Kim: Yeah, obviously he wouldn’t.
Sequoia: Right. So he can keep up the pretence, he just has his own name tattooed on his body. So he doesn’t forget!
Kim: Oh man. Fuckin weeeeeiiirdd!
Sequoia: He’s just, like, fully wearing black dragonhide…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...all over. Boots, pants, vest.
Kim: But his… but his arms… but it had to be a vest because his arms had to be visible!
Sequoia: ‘Cause…
Kim: So that we could see the tattoo.
Sequoia: Yeah. Also he’s, like, fucking ripped now.
Kim: He’s got a [whispers] hard body.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. If you could never whisper “hard body” into the microphone ever again.
Kim: Did it help that I was looking straight in your eyes?
Sequoia: [laughing] It did not. It did not, I am sad. [both laugh] Nooo!
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Shit, man.
Sequoia: Everyone stared in awe.
Kim: Awe!?
Sequoia: This man was not the same gangly fourteen year old boy that they had sent away. No. Before them stood a warrior. Before them stood Harry James Potter, savior of the wizarding world, the Boy Who Lived.
Kim: [sighs deeply] Wow.
Sequoia: He was glorious. In all of his dragonhide and gauntlet and tattoos.
Kim: The gauntlet is weird.
Sequoia: It’s for…
Kim: Which hand is wearing the gauntlet?
Sequoia: ...warrior purposes! Right.
Kim: Right hand has a gauntlet. Wouldn’t that be the hand that he would use his sword with?
Sequoia: It says his right wrist. I think they don’t… I think they mean…
Kim: Think they don’t know what a gauntlet is?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like a… you think it’s like a bracer?
Sequoia: I think it’s a, like… yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Mhm. All right!
Sequoia: I think that’s what it is. That makes more sense.
Kim: Nope. Nothing makes sense.
Sequoia: Yeah, it does. It makes more sense. He just needs to look cool, and that’s a cool looking arm, uhhh, accessory…
Kim: I mean, if he was… if he really… where is the cape? [Sequoia laughs] Where are the, like, extravagant shoulder pieces?
Sequoia: That’s true. Yeah. This is not… this is not a great X-Man outfit, by the way.
Kim: Yeah, this is disappointing.
Sequoia: Not top tier.
Kim: He needs… he needs more shoulder spikes. He needs some pouches. [Sequoia laughs] He needs some facial buttresses.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: I could continue. I won’t, though.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I’ll stop there.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Bonus mane, Migister,” Harry said with a curt bow.
Kim: Is that… is that…
Sequoia: It means good morning, headmaster.
Kim: Oh. That’s good. Fine.
Sequoia: “Desideratus parvulus,” Albus responded. It’s not doing very…
Kim: [singing] Why are they speaking in Latin today? Oh! Does… does the Hidden School teach Latin? Like Hogwarts fucking should?
Sequoia: [laughs] Probably, yeah.
Kim: That’s… that’s one of the classes they hid off of his transcript. Too radical for wizards.
Sequoia: Too… [laughs] yeah.
Kim: Okay, what did that mean?
Sequoia: It meant… oh. It meant welcome, child.
Kim: He’s clearly not a child.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He’s Sinful now.
Sequoia: He’s doing his… biceps. Albus responded. The boy gave a soft growl at the name [Kim sputters] but let it pass.
Kim: [laughing] Harry growling. Weird!
Sequoia: He’s just… oh, I can’t. I can’t. He noticed others in the room. He turned a cool gaze…
Kim: He hadn’t noticed the other people were in the room? What kind of warrior are you, Harry?
Sequoia: Well, he was just… he… he had to enter the room and then sort of stand in all his splendor… to be observed.
Kim: He can’t notice people and think at the same time?
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope.
Kim: Not a good trait for a warrior.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no. He turned a cool gaze on the people who had once been his friends.
Kim: [whispering] Once been his friends. No longer.
Sequoia: No longer. Now, because he’s got Kenny, and Danny.
Kim: We introduced… so this… this fic introduced, like, a huge cast of characters and now they’re all just gone?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Bye?
Sequoia: Yeah. I… I mean, just… ahhhhh, hold for the text.
Kim: Aight.
Sequoia: With another soft growl he tossed a manilla folder on Dumbledore’s desk. Here’s my transcript. No, he didn’t say that.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: That would make sense.
Sequoia: [laughs] An uncomfortable silence filled the room as he…
Kim: He just doesn’t explain what the folder was?
Sequoia: He doesn’t… he has not said… he’s only said, like, one thing in Latin to Dumbledore.
Kim: And, now he’s just…
Sequoia: And now he’s just like…
Kim: ...folder!
Sequoia: ...here’s my fucking folder, you asshole. [laughs]
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: And he’s not looking at… he looked at everyone once and was like, oh, yeah, sure. People are here. And now he’s just standing there growling. Softly. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, he’s not talking, just growling.
Sequoia: He’s doing some soft growls. An uncomfortable silence filled the room.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: As the Headmaster skimmed the contents, his eyes grew wide.
Kim: Oh. Apparently they…
Sequoia: They didn’t even put the…
Kim: The weird shit in there.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Why did they… why did they send Harry to this place if they don’t know what happens there?
Sequoia: Because you emerge a warrior or whatever. They teach you how to sew your own dragonhide clothes. [both laugh] They misinform you as to what a gauntlet is. [Kim laughs] And you get a sweet tat!
Kim: And a sword.
Sequoia: And a sword.
Kim: That you wear stylishly.
Sequoia: [laughs] So maybe, yeah. He paused shortly and Harry knew he was wondering if it could all be true.
Kim: If what… oh.
Sequoia: His transcript!
Kim: His transcript, right. [Sequoia laughs] Never mind.
Sequoia: His blue eyes…
Kim: Maybe he’s just surprised by how good of grades Harry got. [both laugh]
Sequoia: He’s like, Hermione wasn’t even there! [both laugh]
Kim: You got all Os?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, ‘cause the classes were stuff like Silent Tiptoeing. [laughs]
Both: Ohhh.
Sequoia: His blue eyes turned towards Harry questioningly as he reached the bottom of the page. Harry just raised his eyebrow in response. Albus returned to the page, rereading some of the more interesting details. We don’t get to know what those are. It just says that.
Kim: Fine. The details are, [in a high voice] Harry’s really good at sports! [both laugh] Wow, he did a good sport!
Sequoia: [laughs] What a great transcript. Harry just smirked and drew a pack of Winstons and a lighter out of his pocket.
Kim: NO!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: NO!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: WHAT?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we are. Here we are.
Kim: [strainedly] What is happening?
Sequoia: He looks like that. He has to smoke cigarettes!
Kim: No he doesn’t!
Sequoia: ‘Cause he looks like that!
Kim: No he doesn’t!
Sequoia: It’s part of the dragonhide wearing experience.
Kim: Harry pulled out a vape pen. [Sequoia laughs] Blew some sick cotton. [both laugh] Do you think that… do you think the Sinful tattoo has some, like, barbed wire included?
Sequoia: [laughs] I fucking hope so. [both laugh]
Kim: [muttering] Goddamnit. Fucking smoking. Kill me.
Sequoia: He’s fucking smoking.
Kim: Fine! Is he gonna smoke like he knows what he’s doing?
Sequoia: Yeah. He slipped a cigarette into his mouth, lit it, and took a long drag. He lifted the stick from his lips and watched as the smoke braided together in the air. He’s gotten real good at… something.
Kim: Is he… is he blowing some, like, Gandalf shapes?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Cool. Weird. Do that.
Sequoia: A sudden movement from his left caused Harry to shift his gaze to watch as Sirius stalked towards him. The older man grabbed the cigarette and threw it to the ground. [Kim laughs] Harry stared at it with furrowed eyebrows before reaching for another one, [Kim laughs] only to have it too ripped from his hand. “Hey. I have to go all the way to the States to get those, you know,” Harry growled, as… He’s just so growly. He’s a real growly boy. I can’t… [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] He has to go all the way to the…
Sequoia: He has to go all the way to the States!
Kim: How does he get to the…?
Sequoia: There aren’t cigarettes in… [both laugh] you can only get cigarettes in the United States. It’s fine. Get up.
Kim: Ahhhhh! Also why the fuck does Sirius care? Sirius wouldn’t care.
Sequoia: Sirius has smoked a couple cigs in his lifetime. He owned a motorcycle.
Kim: Exactly! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Harry growled as he pulled yet another stick out of the pack. “You shouldn’t smoke. It’ll rot your lungs,” Sirius hissed as he reached for the Winston.
Kim: Sirius is hissing?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry’s growling, Sirius is hissing.
Sequoia: It will rot your lungssssss.
Kim: That’s fucking weird.
Sequoia: He reached for the Winston hanging from Harry’s full lips. [Kim laughs] Harry’s full lips? Yikes. [both laugh]
Kim: Weird. Weird place to add that description.
Sequoia: That’s what… yeah. That’s a choice! Harry’s hand wrapped around the ex-convict’s wrist easily. He added pressure to his hold and kept his face blank as his godfather whimpered. [Kim laughs] “It’s not like a cigarette is going to kill me any faster than Voldemort. So unless you want your arm broken, I suggest you refrain from pulling stuff out of my mouth.” [Kim sighs] [Sequoia laughs] The resigned sigh. That was very good.
Kim: [sighs again] Why bother bringing Sirius back from the dead for this?
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m really not sure whose side we’re supposed to be on here.
Kim: Harry’s! Look how cool he is.
Sequoia: Guys, smoking’s not cool! It will rot your lungs! [laughs]
Kim: It is… well, it doesn’t matter if you’re gonna…
Both: [deep voice] ...die tomorrow anyways.
Sequoia: [gags] Growl. [KIm coughs] That’s why he’s growling!
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Because he smoked so many cigarettes! [laughs] [small voice] Kill me. Whoo. Harry’s voice was calm and cold as he spoke to his godfather. He released Sirius’s arm and let it drop from his grip. The dark haired man backed away and rubbed his wrist as he stared at his godson with tears in his eyes. [Kim laughs] Everyone looked at him with unforgiving eyes.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: He just smirked and turned back to face the headmaster, who was thankfully still absorbed in the transcripts.
Kim: Smirking.
Sequoia: Albus Dumbledore can’t read and listen at the same time. [both laugh]
Kim: Albus Dumbledore has not noticed what’s happening.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: “Did you really fight off a hundred fifty fully trained wizards, Harry?”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Albus asked innocently over the top of the paper.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: That’s what the transcript says!
Kim: Did he do it with his sword?
Sequoia: It says… the transcript says Fighting Off A Hundred and Fifty Fully Trained Wizards 101. [both laugh] And then it has an A next to it.
Kim: In O.W.L.s, A just means Acceptable, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh, shit! Sorry, oops. [laughs] Harry’s smirk just grew as he lifted his hand to pull out the cigarette.
Kim: From where?
Sequoia: He exhaled. From his mouth.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: [laughs] He exhaled and sighed as the smoke filtered into the air.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: “Yeah. But I had some help from Shadow, Sparks, [holding back laughter] Gear…”
Kim: GEAR!
Sequoia: “...and Steel.”
Kim: Shadow, Sparks, Gear, and Steel. That’s more people than were in the room.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s one more that we didn’t meet. Or that didn’t talk and just sat there and then left. Sinful, Shadow, Sparks, Gear, Steel.
Kim: So he… he de… he… yeah, this is… this is definitely a superhero team.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: They sent him to a superhero school. [laughing] A hundred and fifty wizards.
Sequoia: [laughs] Fully trained wizards!
Kim: There were five of them.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Those are fair odds. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fair odds! “However, the first squad was a group of graduates, so it wasn’t that hard. Besides, after we got the first wave out of the way, it was just like casting Lumos,” Harry said, as he ashed his cigarette into the air. “Who are Shadow, Sparks, Gear, and Steel?” Ron asked.
Kim: I mean, it… gather… gather context, Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah, Ron? Ron? Come on, keep up. Keep up! Keep up!
Kim: Gather. Gather context.
Sequoia: This is…. [laughs]
Kim: Why did they not send Ron and Hermione to this insane school?
Sequoia: Because it changes people.
Kim: And they were too soft?
Sequoia: Maybe they were too soft. I don’t…
Kim: The… the… the… the idea that they would let Harry go somewhere dangerous without them.
Sequoia: Oh, is that the most nuts part of the story?
Kim: [screaming] No it’s not!
Sequoia: Is that the thing?
Kim: But it is nuts! [Sequoia laughs] Sequoia, that’s nuts!
Sequoia: They didn’t get to go, they don’t get cool superhero names, and… or dragonhide. At all. And they’re just here to be mad. Or something. Or…
Kim: Incredulous?
Sequoia: Stare at Harry? I don’t know.
Kim: Confused? Sad? What’s happening?
Sequoia: “Who are Shadow, Sparks, Gear, and Steel?” Ron asked.
Kim: Who cares, Ron?
Sequoia: “Parts two, three, four, and five of the dream team,” Harry answered with a smirk.
Kim: Why are they not here?
Sequoia: They’re coming later or something. I don’t know. They’re a part of the… the dream team has a very specific purpose! That is not right now!
Kim: Why is… why is Harry being sent back to Hogwarts?
Sequoia: Because he already said… he said that… that he already was supposed to come back.
Kim: Yeah, but why?
Sequoia: Because it only takes X amount of time to complete the hidden magic training superhero blah blah blah.
Kim: So why do the other students have to stay there?
Sequoia: Because that’s where they…
Kim: Sequoia!
Sequoia: ...live. [both laugh] I don’t know! I can’t fucking help you, this is nuts! Harry answered with a smirk. He took another drag of his Winston before dropping it and putting it out with the toe of his boot. “And might I ask who is part...”
Kim: Did he smoke that cigarette in three drags?
Sequoia: Yeah! He’s done now.
Kim: [laughs] How do cigarettes work?
Sequoia: Uhhh… [Kim sucks in air] [laughs] “And might I ask who is part one of this so called dream team?” Hermione enquired.
Kim: Hermione! Gather context cluuues!
Sequoia: Come on! Come on!
Kim: Yikes!
Sequoia: “Sinful,” was the reply, as if he was growing impatient with the questions. ‘Cause they’re stupid questions!
Kim: Impatience is an emotion.
Sequoia: [laughs] Clearly!
Kim: If anyone asks him what Sinful is I’m going to cry.
Sequoia: “I think it would be painfully obvious,” Harry teased as he patted the tattoo on his arm.
Kim: Hmmm, ‘kay.
Sequoia: Just at that moment, Dumbledore lifted his head and looked Harry over. “Harry, my dear boy, I do hope you have other clothes.” [Kim laughs] Dumbledore asked.
Kim: Why is that what you’re concerned about?
Sequoia: “Well, it was either my battle armor or my training uniform, and I prefer dragonhide to leather anyways.” Harry sighed.
Kim: Is this his… is this his… this is his X-Man costume.
Sequoia: It’s his battle armor.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So yeah, it’s a costume.
Kim: Yeah, so it’s not his tr… yeah.
Sequoia: It’s his costume. [laughs] “What do you wear in your free time?” “What free time?”
Kim: Yikes.
Sequoia: Harry asked, with an innocent smirk. “At Latito we trained and studied from eight in the morning until eight at night, seven days a week.”
Kim: That’s… [laughs] that’s… that leaves plenty of free time.
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s actually… [laughs]
Kim: That is quite a bit of time.
Sequoia: Gasps filled the room as that information was given.
Kim: No, that’s…
Sequoia: Nobody could believe that a student was given no free time at school!
Kim: There’s free time in there.
Sequoia: Yeah but also why is the… a gasp. No free time! [laughs]
Kim: Do you also sleep twelve… do you sleep twelve hours a day? Harry? We work twelve hours and sleep twelve hours.
Sequoia: [laughs] Well, the training’s really hard. Maybe you do need twelve hours of sleep after you fought off a hundred and fifty fully trained wizards! You could need twelve hours of sleep.
Kim: [laughing] Shit.
Sequoia: “Well, this all seems to be in order.” [Kim laughs] Dumbledore’s fucking done, man.
Kim: He had one question. He had two questions.
Sequoia: [laughing] Two questions.
Kim: And then he’s like All right. Checks out. Get out of my office.
Sequoia: Do you have other clothes? Nope? Bye.
Kim: I’m tired of whatever’s happening here. This is too fucking weird.
Sequoia: “So if you want, Sirius can take you to his house, where you will be staying for the rest of the summer,” Dumbledore said as he filed away the paperwork. Harry gave a stiff nod and stood to follow his godfather out of the room.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: We’re gonna change location.
Kim: Fine. Why did we gather all of those people?
Sequoia: Because they were so excited to see their friend…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: ...slash student slash family member! And then he turned out to be an asshole.
Kim: [laughing] Shit, yeah, right?
Sequoia: [laughing] So then no one talked.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They were all there, they just didn’t want to engage.
Kim: I think assholeishness is also an emotion.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, we’re gonna change location. Riddle Mansion. Location: Shropshire, England. July 1, 2000.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Tom Riddle sat silently in his throne room. [both laugh]
Kim: Throne room.
Sequoia: Throne room. Whoo! In his hand he held a picture. It was an old black and white photograph of a young woman. The woman he remembered clearly. Her hair was the richest auburn, and her eyes the deepest blue, though you couldn’t tell from the picture.
Kim: [sighs] I don’t…
Sequoia: [laughs] Do you have a problem with this?
Kim: I don’t like where this is going.
Sequoia: This is… this is… what? What?
Kim: Whatever is about to happen, I’m… [sighs]
Sequoia: She stood, her arms draped over a young man’s shoulders. His hair was long and black, with emerald eyes. They were both smiling, helplessly in love with each other. It was a Muggle picture, so the figures weren’t moving, but just by the way they stood you could see the love in their eyes. “Charity,” he whispered her name. “I feel so lost, my love. It has been so long since I have felt like this. I wish you were here, [laughing] my love. Here to help me rule the world.
Kim: Oh dear.
Sequoia: He sighed and slid the picture into the pocket of his robes. He was no longer a snake like creature…
Kim: NO.
Sequoia: [laughing] ...but a shadow of what he had been. His black hair was slightly gray around the temples and his face carried lines of worry.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: With another heart wrenching sigh, he stood and once again left behind Tom and became Lord Voldemort. And this is the fucking end, my dude. [both laugh]
Both: Whoo!
Kim: I assume that the X-Men get together and murder the shit out of Voldemort.
Sequoia: Yeah, I assume that’s what happens too.
Kim: I don’t know, maybe the Tom stuff plays into this.
Sequoia: Yeah. I feel like…
Kim: It could go… Har… he could maybe redeem him somehow? Like maybe one of the kids had auburn hair, right?
Sequoia: Yeah. Maybe that’s…
Kim: So maybe that’s something.
Sequoia: ...his kid, or maybe he carries his kid? There’s a whole…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of things that are dropped in there.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Which makes this story perfect for our segment, hold for the end please! Go ahead and email us at fanaticalfics.com with what you think this… happens in the rest of this story!
Kim: Sure! Dude.
Sequoia: But also that fucking story, my dude. [laughs]
Kim: Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow!
Sequoia: Wow. Ugh. So thank you so much to whoever sent this to me! Thank you!
Kim: That was nuts.
Sequoia: That was fucking crazy. [laughs]
Kim: I… I actually… I’ve read a few of… I’ve read a few of these on the podcast too, but I’ve read a few of these off the podcast. The Harry becomes a dark warrior trope.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s pretty good.
Sequoia: It’s good. It’s so good.
Kim: This one was fun because he was also an X-Man. [Sequoia laughs] Which I appreciate. Ohh.
Sequoia: Whooo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Um, yeah. Wow. I got zero points.
Sequoia: Yeah, you got zero points. There we go.
Both: Now it’s time for…
Kim: Doop ba doop ba doop doop!
Sequoia: Hold for the end please!
Kim: We got an a-ma-zing submission. [Sequoia laughs] This listener has said that they weren’t sure if this counts, since it ties three stories together.
Sequoia: Of course it fucking counts! It counts three times! [laughs]
Kim: I’m gonna… and the whole thing is so beautiful, I’m just gonna read the whole thing.
Sequoia: Here we fucking go!
Kim: This is gonna be a really long episode. Sorry. Whoops, not sorry. This is by Kobisk? I guess? And Kobisk writes, Luna’s Hobby ends with Harry sitting dumbfounded at his special family artifact vault after his quest for the Potter family Poison Crossbow of Doom™ was interrupted by the memory of his father. Harry is clearly so shocked that he forgets all about the Potter family Poison Crossbow of Doom™ and [Sequoia laughs] just grabs the first weapons he sees. A pair of Japanese swords.
Sequoia: Yes! Fuck yes!
Both: Shing shing!
Kim: He breaks up with Ginny and continues to learn weird magic with Luna. This is when he learns about his panther animagus form.
Sequoia: Yes. Excellent.
Kim: They say that Luna’s animagus form is a shoebill?
Sequoia: Cool. [both laugh]
Kim: Because they look like they scheme things. Cue Rise of the Phoenix Lord.
Sequoia: Excellent. [Kim laughs] Here we go!
Kim: With Luna ostensibly home for the summer, Harry must escape Azkaban alone. Isn't it lucky he got rescued by the mysterious elf queen with blonde hair, a knowledge of weird magic, and a somewhat loose screwed moral compass? Yes. It’s Luna in disguise.
Sequoia: YEEEES! [both laugh] Incredible. I fucking love it.
Kim: They’re still seventeen so they can’t date, and/or have sex according to Luna’s rules from her father…
Sequoia: Right, right, right. Yep.
Kim: ...so this was her solution.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Harry learns more weird magic and gets super overpowered and becomes a wizard assassin who teaches dueling at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Right. Brian the obvious murderer.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Here he is.
Kim: He gets this close to having a relationship with Cho Chang, until the elf queen shows up and laces Cho’s room with weapons grade plutonium so that she gets radiation poisoning.
Sequoia: Wow, damn!
Kim: Bye Cho! [laughs]
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Harry defeats Voldemort with his cool swords.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Ron and Hermione celebrate with a tasteful off camera love scene.
Sequoia: Great! [laughs] Oh, I love that bit.
Kim: So good. Harry also finally gets fed up and kills Cornelius Fudge.
Sequoia: Radical.
Kim: Ron and Hermione’s relationship falls apart in the emotional aftermath. The Ministry freezes Harry’s assets and posts really high bail because he’s a HUGE flight risk for this trial. Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah, okay! I see it.
Kim: And... [laughs] I’m so excited for where we’re going next! Draco Malfoy, however, posts his bail.
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: And convinces him to channel his assassin instincts…
Sequoia: Oh, fuck.
Kim: ...into tracking down murderers avoiding trial.
Sequoia: [whispers] Yes.
Kim: A few years pass by. Cue…
Both: Capture the Uncapturable!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Oh! I just wanna savor that for a second.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Kim: Whoo! Because… wow, this next bit? Here we go, let’s tie it all together. Hermione Granger tracks down Ron Weasley and forces him to attend his trial. Her guilt, however, nags at her until she ends up hiring herself on as his defence lawyer.
Sequoia: What the fuck? [both laugh]
Kim: And proves that he didn’t kill Ludo Bagman, because Bagman’s stepson, Cormac McLaggen…
Sequoia: Fuck yes.
Kim: ...had not been in the shower because it would have destroyed his perm. [Sequoia laughs] So obviously his story about hearing the gunshot was false, and actually he did it!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Amazing.
Sequoia: That’s so good.
Kim: She wins the case and all is well, until Ron accidentally stuns himself with her stun-gun, blames her, and runs away to America with Draco sleaze-ball Malfoy.
Sequoia: What the fuck I love it!
Kim: Got some Dron in there.
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: For me.
Sequoia: Yep!
Kim: Luna, in the background, celebrates her twenty fifth birthday by kidnapping Harry to her north pole ice palace lair to get started on all that sex she wasn’t allowed to have.
Sequoia: [laughs] OH. MY. GOD. Oh my god.
Kim: THANK YOU. That was incredible.
Sequoia: I’m sweating. [both laugh]
Kim: I'm transported. Transfixed. And… wow.
Sequoia: Wow. Fucking incredible, thank you so much. Whoo!
Kim: Oh, man. Oh wow, that was…
Sequoia: Oh wow.
Kim: Wow. Wowowowowow.
Sequoia: All right! And now it’s time for…
Kim: Let’s go to…
Both: ...the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: All right. So for my recommendation today, I have some Wolfstar.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: It’s called Sheer Madness of the Marauder Sort.
Kim: Eee!
Sequoia: And Sirius tries to do something nice for Remus’s birthday and fucks it up and then gets real sad.
Kim: YES.
Sequoia: And then they hook up, it’s fine.
Kim: Niiicccccce.
Sequoia: Yeah! So that is for you guys in the…
Kim: That’s for me.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s for you.
Kim: That’s for me.
Sequoia: It’s for you. [both laugh] That story recommendation can be found in the episode description and also on our website!
Kim: www.fanaticalfics.com. Also on our website is a list of all of our episodes, as well as a bunch of other shit.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s lots of stuff on there now! Also our story submission form!
Kim: If you have something incredible, like what Sequoia just…
Sequoia: The Last? Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh fuck.
Sequoia: Whoo! Then you can send us that on our story submission form on our website. Also on our website we have some merch!
Kim: Yep. Still got a few posters and bookmarks and stickers rattling around.
Sequoia: Bookmarks, stickers that are way cheap on our website.
Kim: So.
Kim: But also, we have our TeePublic merch.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Which we just added the…
Kim: Includes the new…
Sequoia: The new design to!
Kim: The new design. Yep. So check all of that out, it’s all great.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media @Fanatical Fics on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Kim: Yup. We’ve been tweeting a lot about sandwiches.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. It’s fine. [both laugh]
Kim: You can reach us by email for any of the numerous things we have told you to email us about.
Sequoia: Trick your friends!
Kim: At…
Sequoia: Hold for the end please!
Kim: [laughs] fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you’d like to help out this podcast, leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We shout those out at the top of episodes sometimes and we’re gonna be getting around to that.
Kim: Yep. We’ve had a lot of…
Sequoia: We’ve had a lot of stuff to say lately. [both laugh]
Kim: You can also support this podcast by joining the campaign.
Sequoia: Trick your friends 2019! Email us with your address!
Kim: You don’t… if you feel like you don’t need the tools, though, just yell at every person you know.
Sequoia: Or just… yeah, exactly. You can also just trick your friends without the tools.
Kim: You know, there’s… there’s someone. One of our… one of our tricksters has been forcing their friends to listen to…
Both: Love of a Cat, Love of a Man!
Sequoia: They just tweeted at us again five minutes ago!
Kim: They’ve done it… they’ve done it… how many times have they done it now?
Sequoia: Three!
Kim: Aahh! [laughs]
Sequoia: And I’m so stoked ‘cause I love that episode a lot.
Kim: Gosh darn it.
Sequoia: Also you can join us on Patreon! Join our writing competition that we’ve got going on now. Starting a Harry Potter book club next month!
Kim: Check that out.
Sequoia: Speaking of Patreon, we do shout outs after six plus months of you being on the Patreon, so here are a couple of those! [clears throat] When Hogwarts becomes the backdrop for the new Weird Sisters music video, Harry and Draco compete for the leading role. [Kim laughs] But when the new hotshot director, Andy, casts Blaise instead, will they find comfort in each other? [Kim laughs] Oh man! Someone write me that fic. [both laugh]
Kim: I think you have to write that, dude!
Sequoia: Oh no! [both laugh]
Kim: Okay, my turn. “Oh no, Daniel! Your voice switching potion spilled all over Sirius, Lily, and Snape! It’s a shame this isn’t being recorded in some sort of audio format, because that would be hilarious!” [doing voices for Sirius, Lily, and Snape all at the same time] “Shut up and help us, James!” Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, it’s their amazing song Wolfstar.
Both: Byeeeeee!