Episode 58: The Power Snivellus Knows Not (Feat. Mike Schubert)
After an extra week off this month we are back with our favorite guest, Mike Schubert from Potterless!
Recommendation: The Dursleys' Worst Nightmare
https://archiveofourown.org/works/945805#main
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jessica
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: All right, here we are.
Kim: [says something distantly in the background] [louder] Start us off. Just start us o… hello, I'm Sequoia Simone!
Sequoia: Fuck you.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: And we're not alone today. [laughs]
Kim: This is so weird!
Mike: [sinister voice] No, we are not alone. [all laugh]
Sequoia: Not only are we not alone, but we're actively in person.
Mike: Mmm. In the human flesh!
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Mike: Not the internet, the real life space. We’re here! Crowded around a table in my hotel room here at LeakyCon Boston. What a time!
Kim: So crazy.
Sequoia: We have jerry rigged this whole recording experience.
Kim: I'm sitting on an end table.
Mike: We’ve moved all the furniture in this hotel around. The cleaning staff will despise me.
Sequoia: Eh, we’ll put it back.
All: We’ll put it back.
Sequoia: As soon as we can. Yeah. Oh, so here we are at LeakyCon Boston.
Kim: We just finished our first day. It was so fun.
Sequoia: It was very fun. We went and watched Mike on a panel of big kid podcasters. [chuckles]
Mike: More of just like, some people that have been around forever.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Forever.
Mike: And then me and Harry Potter and the Sacred Text.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So cool. Yeah, that was really fun.
Sequoia: Mike was the baby on the panel.
Mike: I was the tiny baby boy, but…
Kim: Oh, man. And then we both have panels tomorrow too.
Mike: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Very excited for your panel.
Mike: Potterless Live with guests still to be determined.
Sequoia and Kim: Oooh.
Mike: So that'll be fun. I hope they find one. I’m freaking out.
Sequoia: Cool cool cool. We hope that works out.
Mike: I hope so.
Sequoia: We're gonna come and clap really loud no matter what happens.
Mike: Good! Good, good, good. [all laugh] Yeah, and then you guys are doing your crack fic panel that I’m gonna be a part of!
Kim: Our whatever.
Mike: I’m excited.
Kim: It went really well.
Mike: Yeah, ‘cause it’s in the past. We killed it.
Sequoia: We… there was a guest on Mike’s thing! We did super well.
Mike: They were awesome.
Sequoia: They were great.
Mike: I was on their thing, it went super well. Everyone listens to Fanatical Fics now. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] It is the big boy. So, we've done it.
Sequoia: Yeah, up to the big leagues now. Anyway, we did have a couple of announcements to get through before we start out. I'm gonna start out with an announcement. You know, today we were watching Mike on this panel. And you were talking about how people like to tweet at you corrections.
Mike: Mhm. They do! [Sequoia sighs] Oh no!
Sequoia: I don’t wanna…
Kim: We finally got… we got… we got it…
Both: …several times.
Kim: Like, we’ve gotten corrections before from, like, one person that knows us, who’s like, what are you doing?
Sequoia: But, like…
Mike: Oh, but you finally opened that door? Welcome.
Sequoia: We finally…
Kim: I fucked up enough.
Mike: Oh no! What happened? Whadja do?
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Apparently when sphinx is spelled with a Y, it's a cat. It's not…
Sequoia: It's not like a… like a magical sphinx.
Mike: Oh, I had no idea. I would've gotten that wrong.
Sequoia: We’d had a joke about a magical sphinx.
Both: Yeah.
Sequoia: It was a cat.
Kim: I was wrong.
Sequoia: And we looked back at the text, and it was also clearly a cat! [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Mike: It's more fun if it's not!
Kim: Right? Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, I agree.
Kim: I stand by it. It's funnier if it was a riddle machine. But…
Mike: Yes, I agree, I agree.
Kim: You are correct, Twitter. Thank you.
Sequoia: Just so everybody knows, if you're not on Patreon right now, we just started our first writing competition. The due date is just in a couple of weeks. So if you want to get in on this writing competition, get over to our Patreon at the $7 or $10 level.
Kim: You can join our Discord and get access to a lot of other cool stuff, too.
Sequoia: We've also got our merch. Our TeePublic merch goes on sale once a month.
Kim: It seems like it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I'm not sure what's up with that. But…
Sequoia: [laughing] We don't know what's going on with our merch store.
Kim: Well, they recently released magnets, right?
Sequoia: Yeah. And then they just made it so that all of our designs come in a magnet and sent us an email, so…
Kim: And so if you’re sticker shy, buy a magnet.
Sequoia: Our merch…
Mike: You gotta put those save the dates somewhere. [all chuckle] You gotta attach them.
Sequoia: Exactly. You can grab everything thirty percent off October sixteenth through the twentieth. And those were our announcements.
Kim: Cool. Let's… let's do this thing.
Sequoia: Let's do this thing. Do you remember how to do predictions, Mike?
Kim: Well, wait. I had a question first, actually.
Sequoia: Well, okay.
Kim: We ask our guests questions sometimes.
Sequoia: We do.
Mike: Mhm.
Sequoia: But we had determined that we already asked Mike all of the regular questions.
Kim: I'm genuinely curious.
Mike: Okay.
Kim: Now that you've finished the books…
Mike: Yes.
Kim: …has your OTP changed?
Sequoia: Ooh.
Mike: Just like, my favorite pairing? Well…
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: I feel like…
Sequoia: You said Luna/Neville.
Mike: Oh I do still like that.
Kim: Mhm.
Mike: It makes me sad that that never fleshed out.
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: In the movie it's interesting, because they allude to it, but in the books, it is not. It is more of her and Dean Thomas.
Kim: Yeah I got some Luna/Dean in the last one.
Sequoia: Some vibes.
Mike: But then I got in trouble on Twitter…
Kim: Uh oh.
Mike: …because apparently JK in some interview at one point said that she ends up with Rolf Scamander.
Kim: Well yeah, that's on the… the family tree. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: That's just like, not in the books anywhere, so yeah. An episode of Potterless. I was very wrong.
Kim: Oh, do you remember when the family tree came out, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yeah, when… when the family tree came out? So here’s the thing…
Mike: Did she make a family tree of stuff?
Sequoia: She made a family tree.
Kim: Of, like, the second gen.
Mike: Oh no.
Sequoia: Yeah, next gen and released it. [Mike groans] And so fanfiction… next gen fanfiction is like way more consistent? Because she gave a lot of like names and…
Mike: Ohh.
Sequoia: …like, how many kids so and so has.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then people were, like, shipping the… so and so's kids with so and so's kids, because she already knew. So Cursed Child actually lines up with the family tree that she had already released.
Mike: Okay.
Kim: But I think that Luna/Dean is really good, like, in the context of their kind of shared trauma in Deathly Hallows.
Mike: Totally, one hundred percent.
Kim: I really like that.
Sequoia: I like it too.
Mike: But also, you don't have to end up with the person you dated when you were sixteen, seventeen.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs] Normal people don't do that!
Mike: Yeah, so maybe they did end up… and then she found Rolf later in life, etc, etc.
Sequoia: Hey, when did you start dating your husband? How old were you?
Kim: Let’s not talk about it! [all laugh]
Mike: So as far as my OTP changing, I don't know if it necessarily changed. I think more so, now that I’m done with the books, I just really appreciate Ginny and Harry as a couple, and Ron and Hermione as a couple. And I think anyone who thinks that like, Ron… or that Hermione should’ve got with Harry is very incorrect.
Sequoia: Excellent. Good.
Kim: Down with Harmony!
Mike: Like, I just don't think that makes any sense. I don’t…
Kim: Nice.
Mike: I just don’t like that. It doesn't, like… Ron and… Ron and Hermione balance each other perfectly. Harry and Ginny I think do the same.
Kim: Nice.
Mike: So I… yeah, I think more so I was just glad that those relationships… even though I went into the series knowing those happened, it was good for me to like, read the story more and realize, okay, there's a reason why these happened. Like, it's good. I'm glad these are the ones that came through.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You did bring up at your panel today a pairing that I am very into now! Of Ludo Bagman…
Mike: Ludo Bagman and McGonagall! I just learned this… I was doing preparation for the Multitude live show we did in Boston on Thursday, where I went through everything that Percy did.
Kim: Mhm.
Mike: So I was control F-ing Percy in the PDF versions of the books, which I very legally downloaded. [Sequoia and Kim chuckle] And one of the things is, like, they talk about Percy talking and the line previous says, and Ludo Bagman kissed McGonagall on the hand and left. And I was like, what the fuck?!
Kim: I'm into it.
Mike: And like, scrolled back. And yeah, apparently, at the Yule Ball the two of them share a dance and then Ludo leaves, but I wasn't keeping my eye out for this because at this point, Ludo Bagman in my brain wasn't sketchy enough to be a suspect.
Kim: Uh huh.
Mike: So I wasn't paying attention to him super well. And then of course now, I have the ironic love for him.
Sequoia: Right.
Mike: But, yeah! Him and McGonagall, potentially a thing!
Kim: That’s a great ship.
Mike: I think that's gonna be the new ship for me.
Kim: I’m gonna look for that later today.
Mike: I’m upset that no one told me! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Because McGonagall’s like my favorite character, and then Ludo is Ludo with the whole, you know, there's a whole history that I have with that, so, ugh! I cannot believe no one told me this.
Sequoia: They… people got time to tweet at you for days that Harry was fourteen in… laughs
Mike: I know!
[all talking at once]
Kim: But nobody would…
Sequoia: …nobody would tell you!
Mike: …McGonagall! Ugh! Yeah, that's like… I feel like I have to do some deep dive research now.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Ah, that's excellent. That's very good answers, all around.
Kim: [laughs] Awesome.
Sequoia: Got any more questions?
Kim: Nah, I'm good.
Sequoia: ‘Mkay.
Kim: Let's do this thing.
Sequoia: Okay. Now, do you remember how to do predictions? Remember what we did for that?
Mike: I know… I know how to predict.
Kim: Well, yeah, you're gonna predict. So what's gonna happen is, I'm gonna give you the title of this weird ass fanfiction I found.
Mike: Wonderful.
Kim: The year… no, the book that it was written most close to.
Mike: Okay.
Kim: And what genre it was tagged as.
Mike: Okay.
Kim: And then you're gonna give me three guesses at what's gonna happen in this weird thing.
Mike: Cool! All right, I'm down.
Kim: Alright, so this fanfiction is called The Power Snivellus Knows Not.
Mike: Okay.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It came out right before Half Blood Prince.
Mike: Oh, interesting.
Kim: And the genre is humor.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Mike: Okay.
Kim: And here's the thing. I picked this. We're doing a panel tomorrow. Our panel tomorrow is on crack fic.
Sequoia: Crack fic.
Kim: This is a real cracky fic.
Mike: Oh boy.
Kim: So… [Sequoia chuckles]
Mike: Oh boy.
Kim: It's… it’s pretty nuts.
Sequoia: So it's gonna be hard.
Mike: The Power Snivellus Knows Not.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Okay.
Mike: So three guesses as to what happens. First guess is that Snape somehow gets the power of Mel Gibson's character in What Women Want, where he can… [Sequoia and Kim laugh] where he can hear the thoughts of women. So that's his power that he knows not how he obtained it.
Sequoia: Fucking awesome.
Mike: Um. [whispering] The Power That He… I feel like it has to be… he has some sort of power that makes him, like, good at stuff. So like, maybe second, something happens… some, like, potion mishap. It explodes on him, and he gets the power to… I don't know, maybe, like… I'll guess, one, he gets the power just to like, seduce whoever.
Kim: Sure.
Mike: He’s just got this innate ability to like, sweep whoever off their feet.
Kim: That's something I would read.
Sequoia: Great.
Mike: And then… The Power That Snivellus Knows Not. The fact that it's Snivellus… the… the other end I'll go to is that it's… before book six… does it take place… do we know when it takes place? Like is it marauder era?
Kim: I’m not gonna tell you that.
Mike: Okay. Then I will say that even though it's written at this time, it's gonna be a prequel type thing.
Sequoia: Okay.
Mike: And… because I feel like Sirius is the one who calls him Snivellus most often. So I'll say this is like back in marauder era and it's actually like a crack fic between Sirius and Snape.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Okay. Whoo.
Kim: That’s good.
Sequoia: Shit. I'm not gonna be able to one up those. [all chuckle] Let's see. The Power That Snivellus Knows Not. Damn, now I can't get those good, good predictions out of my fucking head. I'm gonna guess that this is Severus Snape/Albus Dumbledore.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: I'm going to guess that it takes place during the first wizarding war.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I am going to guess that… fuck. Can I walk back my second prediction? [laughs]
Kim: No, you said it. Fuck you.
Sequoia: Okay, then I'm not gonna walk back my second prediction, I'm going to make a third prediction that is contrary to my second prediction.
Kim: Do that.
Sequoia: My third prediction is that Snape is the one who defeats Voldemort in the story.
Kim: Nice. Those are good. Those are good tries. Don't forget to tweet your predictions at us. If you're in our Patreon exclusive Discord, post them where it's appropriate, and earn your house points, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, make sure to hashtag #FanficDivination and do @ us.
Kim: Okey doke. It was the winter holidays of Harry's seventh year at Hogwarts.
Sequoia and Mike: Ohh.
Mike: First wizarding war…
Kim: Nice try. Nice try, friends. And Harry had been trying desperately to think up a way to kill the Dark Lord.
Mike: Mmm!
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, I bet that really plagues Harry a lot, you know? He's got to come up with it. He's the chosen one.
Kim: Yeah. He began pondering what skills, talents, or abilities he had that the Dark Lord did not.
Mike: Nose. Hair. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: Are those talents or abilities?
Mike: Friends!
Sequoia: Yeah, real friends. That's one of them.
Kim: Yeah, that’s good. The mysterious “power the Dark Lord knows not” had been bugging Harry for a while. From the prophecy.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, so he knows the prophecy.
Kim: This is aft… yeah, this is after book five.
Sequoia: After book five. Okay.
Kim: So he's like, [mopey voice] What do I know how to do? I'm just Harry, I only know one spell. He felt completely inadequate compared to the Dark Lord's knowledge and skill. He doubted he could best him in a duel. It just didn't seem like he had enough time to get as skilled as the Dark Lord.
Sequoia: I feel like this is how we were all feeling.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: At one point.
Kim: We were like, the power he knows not?
Mike: This guy’s not gonna be able to do it!
Sequoia: Yeah. [all chuckle]
Kim: This is some really good speculative fic.
Sequoia: No! You can't shake your head, this is an audio format.
Kim: What? Oh, this is a character I don't have a voice for.
Sequoia: Oh, no. A new character! Or you could just not.
Kim: I'm just not.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: It's best if I don't. I get in trouble every time.
Sequoia: You do.
Kim: "What about a time delayed temporary shrinking charm on a couple dozen watermelons?" Tonks suggested. "We could…”
Sequoia: Wait, wait.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: A temporary shrinking charm…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …on a couple dozen watermelons?
Kim: Yes. “We could shrink…”
Sequoia: Is he gonna eat them?
Kim: Gimme… hold for the text! [Sequoia laughs] "We could shrink them down, convince him that they're watermelon flavored tic tacs, and boom!"
Mike: The problem with that is that you have to go under the assumption that Voldemort will swallow these whole.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Mike: And not suck on them or chew them or do anything.
Kim: Mhm, mhm. Yeah, yeah, I think he would probably notice.
Sequoia: Yeah, he'd have to swallow like, a lot of them whole at once, too.
Mike: You’d have to… you would have to tell him that they… he would need to be taking pills. Because pills are the one thing that you like, are not supposed to chew, unless it's like chewables Flintstones vitamins.
Kim: The king of vitamins.
Mike: But yeah, you'd have to be like, here's your aspirin!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: Don't mind that it's green and striped.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't think Tic Tacs work.
Kim: Here's your snake medicine.
Sequoia: Your snake medicine?
Kim: I don’t know!
Mike: To keep his nose away!
Kim: Harry shook his head. "I'm not sure that would kill him. He's evilly strong. And…”
Mike: I love that that's the reasoning, is like…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Mike: Look, this guy's got a strong stomach.
Kim: He’s got a magic stomach!
Mike: [gruff voice] It’ll crush a giant watermelon!
Sequoia: Have you ever seen people who crush a watermelon between their thighs?
Kim: Voldemort could do that in his…
Sequoia: Stomach.
Kim: Oesophagus. Oh, god.
Sequoia: [laughing] In his oesophagus!
Kim: I wish I hadn't fucking said that. That's disgusting. I apologize.
Sequoia: No, you don't.
Kim: What up?
Mike: Well, he is a snake. Snakes do that whole thing when like, they eat stuff, it gets all big, so… yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He would just… snake…
Mike: He’d be fine. Yeah, his throat would just be watermelon shaped. [Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: “And knowing the Headmaster, Tom has an inordinate fear of all Muggle candies, probably. But, good idea.” You look confused, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Why would he have a fear of all Muggle candies?
Kim: Because there's like a fanfic thing about Dumbledore being obsessed with candy.
Sequoia: Dumbledore IS obsessed with candy.
Kim: Okay, well…
Sequoia: That's canon. [laughs]
Kim: That.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: The pair continued their thinking. Tonks asked, "What about a gun?" [all chuckle] Harry looked at her like she was crazy. "A gun? Come on, Tonks. First, that's cheating.”
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s not… wait!! [all laugh]
Mike: Ah, integrity!
Sequoia: Yeah, that's not the reason why you don't use a gun…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …in a wand fight.
Kim: [strainedly] What?
Mike: So funny.
Kim: “And second, this is a children's story!"
Sequoia: Oh, no. It’s gonna get… [fake cries]
Mike: Breaking the fourth wall!
Kim: How crazy!
Mike: Harry turned to the camera…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: …and a sad trombone went, “Wah wah!” as he shrugged his shoulders!
Kim: Harry thought about it and suggested, "What if we swap out his toothpaste with some sort of liquid explosive and put the triggers and fuses into his toothbrush?"
[pause]
Mike: Did… wait. Just watch James Bond? Come on.
Sequoia: Yeah. I'm confused, logistically, how that works.
Kim: He…
Mike: Is Voldemort really the kind to brush his teeth? [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: I doubt it. He definitely doesn't brush his teeth.
Kim: You say that. Tonks shook her head. "You really think he takes care of his teeth?"
All: Ayy!
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: Harry's shoulders hung limply in defeat. "Crap. There goes my floss plans too." I feel like…
Mike: That’s good. That’s good.
Sequoia: I feel like that's the part where he turns to the camera and does the wah, wah.
Mike: Wah wah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I feel like their plans are like, very Wile E. Coyote.
Mike: Let me take a big anvil.
Sequoia: Better yet, a piano.
Kim: Mmmm.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Tonks added, "Maybe we should go back to thinking up plans where we sacrifice Snivellus?"
Sequoia: Back to?!
Mike: Yeah, that was… we're in medias res. They were talking about that before the story started.
Kim: Yeah. Harry's been thinking about this a long time. "I don't know. The headmaster gave me detention just for suggesting the last couple we had…”
Mike: Oh no.
Kim: …Harry said with a frown.
Mike: [whiny voice] I wanted to murder a professor, and I got in trouble!
Sequoia: Yeah, can I please?
Kim: [whiny voice] Can I please sacrifice him?
Mike: [whiny voice] Can we kill him, pwease?
Sequoia: I just don't… what is the plan in which sacrificing Snape to Voldemort like, kills Voldemort?
Kim: I mean, it did technically work out that way.
Sequoia: [high pitched] Ohhh?
Kim: No.
Mike: I mean… [all chuckle]
Sequoia: No. He died. I guess.
Kim: He does die. Soo…
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Okay. "Maybe we're going about this the wrong way," Tonks offered. "Maybe we need to think about his opposites. He’s all evil and dark. So what if we surrounded him with something light?" “You might be thinking in the right direction, Tonks!"
Sequoia: I'm sure it's the right direction and the wrong thing. What is it?
Kim: "So, what's good and light?" Harry shook his head. "Not sure. Maybe puppies?” [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: Kill Voldemort with puppies!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Just overwhelm him with puppies.
Kim: Yeah, I feel like… like a million puppies…
Mike: Cute overload.
Sequoia: I feel like it's like the Grinch, and you, like, surround him with puppies and then his heart grows.
Mike: And then he’ll snap out of it.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Mhm. Maybe that's what they're going for.
Kim: “Or that guy who came up with the idea of adding colors to reclosable sandwich bags so you know when it's really closed?"
Mike: Wait, what? What is this?
Sequoia: Wait, what?! What was that?
Kim: You know, sandwich bags? And when they're closing and…
Sequoia: I…
Mike: Wait, do the colors… does it mean how, like, Ziploc bags have like, the blue line across?
Kim: Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: Does that have a…?
Mike: ‘Cause it’s easier… well, I guess it's easier to tell when that's not put together…
Kim: Uh huh.
Mike: …if it’s not clear.
Sequoia: That's the function?
Mike: I guess.
Sequoia: Of the Zip… I feel like we all just learned something. [all laugh] Like, that’s not what I expected to get out of this.
Mike: Gonna turn to our correspondent John Ziploc, inventor of the bag. Wow.
Sequoia: Oh man. Wait, but that guy's light and fluffy? That guy?
Kim: They’re gonna kill Voldemort with that guy.
Sequoia: With that guy.
Kim: Tonks smiled. "That was good.” [Sequoia laughs] “But…”
Sequoia: Thanks, Tonks.
Kim: “But you can store bags of evil in your freezer, so I'm not certain that guy counts."
Sequoia: What’s a bag of evil?
Mike: [sighs] A bag of YouTube comments.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: I was thinking like, that bag that's been in your freezer for like five years, and you're kind of scared of it.
Sequoia: You're, like, not entirely sure what's in it.
Kim: It's kind of like a brown lump.
Mike: Any bag when you move into an apartment and it's still there.
Sequoia and Kim: Ooh!
Kim: Yikes! And then Harry had an epiphany. Tilde tilde tilde tilde tilde.
Sequoia: Nooo. This is a passage of time.
Kim: A passage of time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: Is that what tilde tilde tilde means?
Kim: I mean, yeah. Pretty generally.
Mike: It's not just like, wavy page break! [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: It's what… it's the ubiquitous…
Mike: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's the fanfic equivalent of a passage of time.
Kim: Harry came running into the Great Hall where only Albus Dumbledore and potions master Severus Snape were quietly talking. "Headmaster! Headmaster!" Harry exclaimed, running up to the two men. The Headmaster quickly stood up. "What’s happened, Harry?" Harry stopped and said, "Nothing. Why? What do you know?"
Sequoia: Wha…? [laughs]
Mike: What?
Sequoia: Harry, you just came in screaming!
Kim: What? What do you mean?
Sequoia: You have to be open to the question.
Kim: [stammers] He's already… things are just happening, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Wait, so he was… so he was talking to Tonks where?
Kim: It doesn't matter.
Mike: Outside the Great Hall.
Kim: Wherever. They were having a little brainstorm sesh wherever Harry and Tonks hang out, just the two of them together, why not? [Sequoia chuckles] They're real good friends.
Sequoia: Okay, cool.
Kim: Today.
Sequoia: And it's just Dumbledore and Snape hanging out.
Kim: Hanging out. In the Great Hall.
Sequoia: Or were they [suggestively] just hanging out?
Kim: Mmmmmmm….
Sequoia: In the Great Hall? Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm right.
Kim: …hm.
Sequoia: [laughs] That gave me nothing.
Kim: Severus scowled harshly. Albus paraphrased his question. "Why did you come coming…”
[pause]
Mike: [very fast] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them! Why did you come coming? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Fuck me. "Why did you come running in here so excitedly?" Harry smiled. "I think I've figured out how I'm going to defeat the Dark Lord!" Severus rolled his eyes, doubting the poor excuse for a wizard in front of him. "Really? And how is that?" Albus asked. "Well, it took me a long time to realize it, but the power the Dark Lord knows not…”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “…is…”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Harry was pausing blatantly for dramatic value. "Extreme time travel!"
Sequoia: No!
Mike: I didn't know we were reading Cursed Child. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: Ayyy!
Kim: That’s the opposite of defeating Voldemort.
Sequoia: Wait, what's extreme time travel?
Mike: [quickly] It’s time travel, but you're on a skateboard. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Turn your hat around backwards.
Sequoia: Mhm. Get some DCs.
Kim: Albus furrowed his brow. "Excuse me?" Harry happily explained. "Well, I mean, right now I'm not capable of it yet or anything. But now that I’m aware of it, I will dedicate the next few years of my life to understanding it, and then successfully come back to this point in time, and kill the Dark Lord. I would have done it sooner, but I couldn't until I understood that I was coming back in time to kill him." [pause]
Sequoia: [sighs] Wow, that was a lot.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Um…
[pause]
Kim: Extreme!
Mike: That’s a big bet to be like, I'm gonna figure this out, I know it! And then I'll come back when I do!
Sequoia: I like that he gives himself a timeline on it, too.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That he's like, it's only gonna take me one to two years.
Kim: A few.
Sequoia: I think… also, how did they come up with this from the conversation they were just having?
Kim: Excellent question.
Mike: Well, they ruled out… process of elimination. They've ruled everything else out.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. They ruled out puppies, the guy who invented Ziploc bags…
Mike: A gun.
Sequoia: A gun. [laughs]
Mike: All that’s left is [intense voice] extreme time travel.
Sequoia: It’s only four plans.
Kim: Severus sneered. [deep, nasal voice] "That's the stupidest thing I've heard from you in weeks Potter. And that's saying something."
Sequoia: Zing. Got ’im.
Kim: Got ’im.
Mike: Nailed it.
Kim: Got ’im. How's that voice treating you today?
Sequoia: That was good!
Kim: Was it more something? Is it getting more something?
Mike: I always try to channel full Squidward when I do Snape. I’m like, [Squidward voice] “Potter.”
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s good!
Kim: Oh, I think… I always think Bert from Bert and Ernie. [laughs]
Mike: Aw, yeah yeah yeah.
Kim: I don't know that I could get there.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s good too.
Kim: Who knows where I'm going and ever when my mouth opens? I say I'm gonna do a voice.
Sequoia: Yeah, the voice is always different. I like it today though.
Kim: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: This is good.
Kim: Cool. Albus looked at Harry curiously. "So your future self is going to kill the Dark Lord, once he masters extreme time travel, and comes back to now?" Harry smiled. "Exactly! It's a power he doesn't know, and it makes everything easier now that the Dark Lord is gone."
Sequoia: Now that the Dark Lord is gone NOW?
Kim: Now. Right this second. He's done it.
Sequoia: So is he creating multiple timelines? [laughs]
Kim: No, he did it. He's done it. It's done. Harry Potter wins. The end. Nope, not the end. Albus raised an eyebrow. "He's dead already?" Severus looked at Albus like he was crazy. Harry shrugged. "Not sure. But real soon, if not yet. Now that I know…”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh god.
Kim: “Now that I know I'm coming back in time, I can appear around myself and not freak out and try to kill old me as a Death Eater trap."
Sequoia: I don't get it.
Kim: How does time travel work?
Sequoia: I don't get it.
Mike: He has decided that he is going to commit his life to time traveling.
Kim: Mhm.
Mike: So from this moment forward he's on his toes, whereas if future Harry comes back he won't be freaked out, it will just give him confirmation that he did it.
Kim: Yup.
Mike: That he did figure it out.
Kim: He did it.
Sequoia: So without ever… at this point, he has not yet delved into extreme time travel at all.
Mike: No, he has not built his flux capacitor or his DeLorean yet.
Kim: No, he just invented the idea of it.
Sequoia: Great.
Mike: He knows he’s gonna do it.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: "Potter, you cannot extreme time travel." Snape said with extreme distaste.
Sequoia: They still haven't explained what extreme time travel is.
Kim: "There's no such thing.”
Mike: Ah!
Kim: “You are an idiot."
Mike: Whoa!
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: "Well, no, duh! Not yet. It's going to take a while to understand and be able to do it. Honestly. A completely new magical way of manipulating the space time continuum doesn't just invent itself," Harry retorted.
Mike: But he basically is banking on it inventing itself. Like future…
Kim: He’s done it! Doesn't matter. He did it.
Sequoia: He just… he JUST invented it, though.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He just decided that it was anything…
Kim: Look.
Sequoia: …that could possibly ever be done!
Kim: He said it out loud, and now Hermione’s gonna make it a thing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that checks out more. No, now I'm on board.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah.
Sequoia: Hermione will do it for him.
Kim: Hermione’ll figure it out. Albus added, "And once you do, you will come back to this point in time." Harry nodded. "You betcha!"
Sequoia: This was… this was, like, kind of an upsetting prediction of Cursed Child.
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: That you, like, snap back…
Kim: Oh, fuck. Fuck that, man.
Sequoia: …to the… yeah.
Kim: I don’t wanna fucking talk about that! Fuck that! Severus shook his head. "Potter, your ineptitude reaches new heights each day." Harry scowled at the petty man. "If you doubt me so much, how about a friendly wager, Professor?"
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Severus raised an eyebrow. "And what are you offering, Mr. Potter?" Harry sized up the Potions professor. "I'll swear on my magic to never take any Potions class from you ever again. And if some Harry Potter kills the Dark Lord today, you must resign from this school, never to taunt or torture the young students again."
Mike: I feel like if Harry loses that's, like, not that great of a thing to be like, I'm not gonna show up in your class. Like, it's not a good enough wager on Harry’s end.
Sequoia: Right?
Mike: Also, you're in school! You have to go to class, Harry, that's not how this works. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: Yeah! Plus at this point, where this author has written, he's got like two years of school left and, that'd just be like…
Mike: It’s his seventh year.
Kim: No, it's the middle of his seventh year,
Sequoia: It’s the middle of his seventh year?
Kim: So he's like…
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Kim: I won’t take classes from you for the next six months.
Sequoia: The next half a year?
Kim: Like six months?
Sequoia: No, this is a bad bet.
Kim: Yeah. [chuckles] How do bets work? Severus pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
Sequoia: No, Severus, this is a bad bet!
Kim: This was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Oh yes.
Kim: He adopted an evil smile and said, "I accept your terms. This is the most ridiculous thing you've come up with yet, and if it means I won't have you in my class, I will gladly take it.” He's just excited not to have to see Harry's stupid face any more.
Sequoia: Right, but now that he's taken this bet, Harry's totally gonna show up today and kill the Dark Lord.
Kim: I dunno.
Sequoia: Future Harry, for sure.
Kim: I dunno, is he?
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: Albus looked at the odd pair. "Harry, while your idea would make things convenient, I hardly think you should be counting on it. It is highly unlikely that you…" And at that point…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Mike: Riding on his flying hoverboard, wearing Nike Max…
Kim: …Albus was interrupted by Draco Malfoy…
Sequoia: Oh man!
Mike: Oh no, boo, I wanted future Harry! Get outta here, Draco!
Kim: …running fast up to the table in the Great Hall. [whiny drawl] "He's dead, Severus! He's really gone!”
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: “He's dead! We're free!"
Sequoia: That was not Draco.
Kim: Yeah, I'm not sure… [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: I liked it. I liked it.
Kim: I have a Draco voice. What’s wrong?
Sequoia: So future Harry did appear, we just didn't get to see him.
Kim: I dunno, did we?
Mike: We'll find out!
Kim: The easily excitable blond came screaming into the room. Harry jumped up and threw both his arms in the air. "YES! I rule!" [Sequoia laughs] He then broke into an embarrassing victory dance complete with some odd hollers and sounds.
Mike: Love to hear it.
Sequoia: Yeah. Are you gonna do it?
Kim: Uh, yeah. [beatboxing] Pew pew kuh chew!
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: I’m Harry Potter and I’m here to say… oh god, I’m…
Mike: We’re gonna need these hollers, though.
Sequoia: [far from mic] Where were the hollers?
Kim: That was just… fuck.
Sequoia: He does realize he's doing a victory dance, but he still has to spend the next X amount of years…
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: …coming up with a thing, ‘cause…
Kim: A small sacrifice to make. Severus turned pale and looked at Draco. "What? Surely you don't mean…" Draco smiled brightly and said, "Yes! Him! A funny looking Harry Potter woke me up and told me to come here and tell you. The Dark Lord is gone!" Funny looking Harry Potter. How do you think he’s funny looking?
Mike: Gonna have a beard.
Sequoia and Kim: Mhm.
Mike: Really long hair.
Sequoia and Kim: Mmmm.
Kim: ‘Cause he’s been shut away so long.
Mike: Yeah.
Kim: Coming up with time travel.
Mike: Basically Doc Brown, Harry Potter.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah. And I would like for him to have taken a really long time. [Kim chuckles] Like, he’s kinda really old now, because he really seriously underestimated his ability to come up with extreme time travel.
Mike: Overestimated.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. He overestimated it.
Kim: When doesn’t Harry overestimate his abilities? Albus was shocked. "Just like that? My word! This is wonderful! This is fantastic!" Albus noticed Severus was looking a bit pale. "Of course, I will need to find a new Potions professor now," Albus added. [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Rules are rules!
Kim: You made a bet! "How on earth is this possible? This doesn't make any sense!" Severus asked no one in particular. He turned to Draco. "You're sure he's gone?" And again they were interrupted as a man came walking calmly up towards them. He looked identical to the Harry Potter already there, except for the large bushy mustache he was sporting.
Mike: Oh, mustache!
Sequoia: Oh! It was neither! [laughs]
Mike: Worse than beard! Ugh!
Kim: On a hoverboard! No.
Mike: A bushy mustache.
Sequoia: Oh. [Mike groans] Maybe those were, like, really cool in the future that he’s from.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Bushy mustaches.
Kim: He was carrying a trash bag and a garden tool. "Yes, I'm sure he's gone, Snivellus." Got ’em.
Sequoia: Why did he just go wake up Draco Malfoy to bring the news if he was just gonna come in?
Mike: To make a dramatic entrance!
Kim: Yeah. [laughs] He needed like a couple mins to really adjust his mustache.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Young Harry Potter smiled brightly and gave mustachioed Harry Potter a big thumbs up. "And I’m also quite glad to inform you that today is your final day as a member of Hogwarts staff." Severus paled. "Well, at least for the next twenty years. I'm not sure about the future."
Sequoia: Ah hah hah.
Kim: Twenty years. Mustachioed Harry Potter said…
Sequoia: Wait, how does he look exactly the same…
Kim: He’s got a mustache.
Sequoia: …if he's twenty years older? Oh, okay.
Kim: He's got a mustache.
Sequoia: That's fine, sure.
Kim: …twiddling his upper lip, shaking the odd hair log about.
Mike: Hair log.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yeah, I've never heard that one for a mustache before.
Kim: Yikes.
Mike: And I wish I didn't.
Sequoia: And I'd be okay if I never hear it again.
Kim: Yeah, that was a yikes. "What? You can't be from the future! I wouldn't honor that ridiculous bet!" Severus exclaimed indignantly.
Sequoia: But Dumbledore just said that he would honor the bet.
Kim: Yeah, I think it’s over.
Sequoia: And he's the one who's your boss, dude.
Kim: Mustachioed Harry Potter shook his head. "Oh, but you will.” Severus took in this scary man with a bloody tool and a trash bag and hastily reconsidered. He swept from the room quickly, and Draco followed him out. Mustachioed Harry Potter shook his head. "I cannot believe that worked."
Mike: Well, it didn't work yet, dude! You gotta discover time travel!
Sequoia: Yeah exactly! Also, what's in the bag?
Kim: Nothing! Something’s in the bag. Young Harry Potter’s eyes were wide as he said, "I know!" Albus watched mustachioed Harry Potter walk over to young Harry Potter and overheard him say, "Thanks, Tonks," and realized he needed to sit down for whatever was going on.
Sequoia: Tonks.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Is… has metamorph…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah. Into Harry.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: And Harry put ON a mustache, because there's no way he looks exactly like himself twenty years later.
Mike: Ohhhh.
Sequoia: Twenty years have NOT passed.
Mike: Ahhhh.
Kim: But, what’s happened to Voldemort, Sequoia?
Sequoia: He’s alive.
Kim: Nope! Here we go! Hold for the text!
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: "Tonks?" Albus asked the first Harry Potter. Young Harry Potter nodded and morphed into a familiar pink haired young woman. "Extreme time travel?" Albus asked the remaining Harry Potter. Harry just laughed and tugged at his mustache. "Not exactly, sir. But maybe some day."
Mike: This hair log is false! [all chuckle]
Kim: No, he really grew it. He is magic. No. Albus sighed and just asked, "So this was all just a hoax to get Severus to quit?" Harry shrugged and said, "Not all of it. I did just kill the Dark Lord." [Sequoia laughs]
Mike: Go on!
Sequoia: With the garden tool and the bag?
Kim: I dunno, maybe. Albus's eyes widened again, and luckily the house elves were paying attention, as some strong firewhisky appeared by him.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: "I bagged up his head for good measure. Left the rest of the body for the Aurors."
Sequoia: Does Harry have a trophy case of heads?
Kim: He does.
Sequoia: Why does he need them?
Kim: I don't know. "Does this mean you figured out the power he knew not?" Albus asked in between gulps.
Sequoia: Of firewhisky?
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: He’s chugging.
Kim: Harry shrugged. "I suppose you could make a case for the power being Muggle knockout gas."
Sequoia: So they didn't go with a gun. Instead…
Mike: They went with tear gas.
Sequoia: They went with tear gas?
Kim: "Harry, I'm quite sure you have just done something heroically idiotic and completely against anything any sane person would advise. Just as I'm sure you managed to somehow pull it off miraculously. But why don't you explain it to me before I drink too much?"
Mike: Okay.
Sequoia: Reasonable.
Kim: Harry nodded. "I got a few chemical grenades filled with gas, threw them into the Riddle house, went to the shed, and got this hoe." Harry said, lifting up his bloodied garden tool.
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: "Put on a gas mask. Cast a couple of spells to bind his magic and soul to his body, and then separated his head from it.” You know, just a couple of spells that Harry knows.
[pause]
Sequoia: Mike seems to be having…
Mike: It’s just… [Sequoia and Kim laugh] you can’t yadda yadda yadda over how you did everything!
Kim: You know, just… you know, just the normal binding your soul to your body spells.
Sequoia: Body spells.
Mike: Right.
Kim: That everyone knows. You learn it first year, right after you learn…
Mike: Wingardium leviosa.
Kim: Yep, the very next lesson: Bind a soulless body, now cut your head off.
Sequoia: Cut his head off with a garden hoe.
Kim: Separate it…
Mike: Takes a lot of hacks.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's like…
Mike: Not charming.
Sequoia: Very violent.
Kim: “And then separated his head from it." Harry again smiled and shook his hoe.
Sequoia and Mike: Ughh.
Kim: Albus…
Sequoia: Ugh, I hate that a lot.
Kim: Thanks. Albus was a bit scared. "That's it?" Harry…
Sequoia: Wait…
Mike: Dumbledore’s disappointed that it wasn't beautiful enough. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] But that's cheating!
Kim: Harry nodded. "Well, yeah. Recognized Draco, knew he was a spy. Woke him up and told him to get out of there. Called the Aurors to arrest everyone else. Seemed like every Death Eater there took in a lot of the gas. Had to call the Aurors twice, as the first couple passed out before getting bubble head charms up." Wizards have never encountered Crazy Purple Knockout Gas before.
Sequoia: Yeah, because as per wizarding law, it’s cheating. [Kim snorts] To use it! So clearly, they’ve never seen it before.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. Albus grimaced a bit. "And you were able to just sever his head?" Harry narrowed his eyes a bit. "He was knocked out. It was the easiest thing I could think of.” [Sequoia sputters]
Mike: Get a knife! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Don't use a hoe! They’re long, they’re dull.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh no. Also… I’m also confused… I was also confused as to how they came up with extreme time travel.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: From, you know, their list of four plans.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Right? And now… this… they came up with this because it’s light and fluffy?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: He put Voldemort’s head in a bag. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, sure.
Kim: That was the realization. No, I dunno.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: “It was the easiest thing I could think of. Unless you had some more secrets to tell me about better solutions?"
Sequoia: Oh, Harry says to Dumbledore.
Kim: Yeah. I mean, valid.
Sequoia: [simultaneously] Valid.
Kim: Albus shook his head. "No. Nope. I do not find any fault in your actions. I'm just surprised it was this… well, easy."
Mike: Yep. We’re all on the same page here, Dumbledore. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] We all agree!
Sequoia: I don’t know that hacking his head off with a hoe would be considered easy.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: But…
Mike: I think the whole process…
Sequoia: Yeah. But binding… one simple spell to bind his soul to his body?
Kim: Look, it’s real easy.
Sequoia: Yeah, it seems like you should have come up with that one before.
Kim: Yeah. Why has that never come up before? Fine. "I knew you would poke all kinds of holes in my plan. Every suggestion I make is “half-brained” or “will get me killed.” It's always “ludicrous” and “way too dangerous.” And I knew you would never let me give it a real try. So I needed Tonks to keep you busy. When she asked me how to keep you occupied, I suggested getting Snape to quit, since this plan needed no human sacrifice."
Sequoia: Well, if you're not gonna sacrifice him…
Mike: Get him fired.
Sequoia: Yeah, you gotta get him outta there somehow.
Kim: Bye Snape.
Sequoia: So Harry went just by himself.
Kim: Yeah. One man.
Sequoia: Didn’t tell anyone, solo team.
Kim: Yep. "But what would you have done if the plan had failed?" Harry looked confused. Tonks responded, "It's not like I cared if I took Potions from the greasy git. I graduated years ago." Albus looked at the young woman. "That wasn't what I meant."
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Harry was still confused. "How could the plan have failed?"
Sequoia: Wait. [sputters]
Kim: Albus looked at Harry again.
Sequoia: Wait.
Kim: "It was faultless!" Harry exclaimed. "Just like most of my other suggestions you shot down for no reason." Harry was shaking his head. "But it's over with now.” Albus pointed at the black plastic bag. "Is that head for me?" Harry nodded. "People will want reassurance. And I wanted my hoe," Harry said, shaking his garden tool again.
Sequoia: No. No.
Mike: Mm, I don't like this. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: This is awful.
Sequoia: This is some classic crack fic where they feel the need to make a supid joke over and over and over.
Mike: That makes it funny, if you just keep saying the same thing.
Kim: Hoe!
Mike: Then it becomes funny. ‘Cause now it’s a bit.
Sequoia and Kim: Hoooooeeeee. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I just…
Kim: Oh man. We’re one sentence away from the end, then we can talk about it.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Albus just absent mindedly nodded and said, "Happy Christmas Harry, Tonks."
Sequoia: Oh, it is a Christmas story.
Kim: Yeah, it was. The end. [Sequoia laughs] Okay, so here’s the thing. What I liked about this story was extreme time travel.
Sequoia: Yes, extreme time travel was good.
Kim: And then, what the fuck was that plan?
Sequoia: It was flawless! Was what the plan was. I don't see how it could have gone any other way.
Mike: It worked!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: Can’t argue with the results.
Sequoia: You really can't.
Mike: It’s not the journey, it's the destination!
Sequoia: You really can't argue with the results, because Harry’s got Voldemort’s head in a bag.
Mike: Mmm.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: And then he sealed it with the two colored sides and so he knew it was sealed.
Sequoia: That’s a bag of evil!!
Kim: Ohhh!
Mike: Ohh.
Sequoia: We figured it out!
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: Oh no! I like extreme time travel.
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: It’s good.
Sequoia: A lot.
Kim: Yeah. I was really hoping it would actually be extreme time travel…
Mike: Mhm.
Kim: …when I was reading this for the first time.
Mike: I do… I like the joke… I like pranking as making Tonks disguised as someone else. Like, that…
Kim: Yeah.
Mike: That's fun and that’s creative and something I never thought of, but I’m still very confused about the whole, like, I have to keep you guys busy while I go casually kill Voldemort and a bunch of Death Eaters!
Kim: Right, it's not like they were like, they would interrupt him?
Mike: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's just he just really, side note, wanted to get Snape fired.
Mike: Right.
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: Or dead, or anything, just…
Mike: Just outta the way.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Bye Snape! [chuckles]
Sequoia: I like how after everything too, Dumbledore is just gonna, like, roll with that resignation.
Kim: I mean Dumbledore basically fired him.
Mike: Yeah, rules are rules! [Sequoia and Kim laugh] You made a bet, gotta stick to it.
Sequoia: Stick to the terms.
Kim: Yes. Good. All of your predictions were wrong. [Sequoia sighs]
Mike: Not even close.
Kim: Nice try, nice try.
Mike: I'd maybe call that the wizarding war, it's just really short.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. I’m disappointed because I feel like we both had, like, some really solid predictions.
Kim: I want that… I want everything. I want every fic ever.
Mike: I feel like Snape wasn’t big enough in the story to be the title of it. Like, it feels…
Kim: Yep, I dunno why that happened.
Sequoia: It was a misdirection.
Mike: I guess so that you’re not paying attention…
Sequoia: In the same way, yeah.
Mike: …to extreme time travel.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then you’re like, oh, this is a story about Snape, it's not about Harry and the bag with Voldemort’s head in it.
Kim: Cutting Voldemort’s head off with a hoe.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yup, yup. Nice.
Sequoia: Classic misdirection.
Kim: Classic misdirection! Got ’em again.
Mike: Nice. Got us!
Sequoia: Excellent. Well, we are gonna move onto our next segment.
Kim: Our new segment! [whispering] Oh shit.
Sequoia: What’s the segment intro?
Kim: Doo doo boop boo doo boop!
Sequoia: [goofy voice] Hold for the end please!
Kim: Nope. [Sequoia laughs] That was fucking nothing.
Sequoia: We’re keeping it. That’s fine.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Okay, so this is our segment in which listeners write in and end a story that we read that was unfinished.
Kim: What did you get for us?
Sequoia: So most of the stuff we got was for Malfoy Chaos, because…
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: …that's the thing we announced this in.
Kim: But do remember you can send these in for any story that wasn’t finished to your satisfaction.
Sequoia: Any unfinished story. So in this hold for the end please, from Victoria Mansell, what’s happening here is that Hermione and Kara Malfoy end up becoming friends at school. But Harry and Ron are super… they’re, like, very suspicious of what's going on, so Harry…
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: …follows her.
Kim: Okay, weird.
Sequoia: And then one time he’s following her and he calls her an American idiot. And then they start bonding over their shared love of Green Day.
Mike: I'm on board. I'm in. I’m back in. [Sequoia and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: We got Mike back!
Kim: Oh, nice. Because of course Harry listens to Green Day!
Sequoia: No, Dudley listens to Green Day.
Mike: Love it.
Sequoia: And so Harry knows about Green Day. So they bond over their shared love of Green Day. And then they get Pansy Parkinson… Draco gets Pansy Parkinson to steal Kara’s CD player, which is like a big deal.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because they're in the wizard world. She can't just, like, go get another CD player.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So Kara and Harry…
Kim: Her CD player wouldn't work at Hogwarts, but fine. Continue.
Sequoia: Kara and Harry have to go on an adventure through Hogwarts to find Kara’s CD player.
Mike: Is Kara Malfoy a real character?
Sequoia and Kim: No.
Mike: Okay, I was like…
Sequoia: In Malfoy Chaos…
Kim: She’s Draco’s long lost twin sister.
Sequoia: Identical twin sister. [Mike sighs] And then, they have to go through this thing, they find the CD player, and then they kiss, and Draco sees them kiss and faints.
Kim: [laughs] Amazing.
Sequoia: And in the follow up… apparently there’s some tildes, and there's an epilogue. And in the epilogue, Kara breaks Harry out of the Dursleys’ one night to go to London to a Green Day concert together.
Kim: Oh, that's cute.
Mike: I love it!
Sequoia: It's a really good end. Thank you so much Victoria for sending in that hold for the end please!
Kim: We got a…
Mike: So what was the… what was the fill in, and then what was the actual story?
Kim: So all of that… the actual story was Draco finds out he has a long lost twin sister.
Mike: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she loves Green Day. She only knows one band.
Mike: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And she befriends Hermione in Diagon Alley.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But then Hermoine finds out that she’s a Malfoy and they get in a fight.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And that…
Kim: Was the end.
Sequoia: …was the end.
Mike: Oh, this is great then! I love that!
Kim: Yeah!
Mike: Very nice work! I love the rest of that.
Kim: We got a bunch of good ones. I think we’ll post a couple of them on our website.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: That's fun.
Kim: So do check that out.
Sequoia: This is my new favorite segment.
Mike: That’s good, I like it.
Sequoia: I'm very stoked about it. And then, it’s time for…
Sequoia and Kim: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: I don't remember if this one was a listener submission or not, but I read this really great Cho fic…
Sequoia: Oh, great!
Kim: …where Dudley meets Cho at Harry’s wedding and they're both kind of like, off to the side, not having a great time, and they kind of bond over it, and it’s really cute.
Mike: I like that a lot. That’s fun.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Yeah, it was a really nice story, and I enjoyed it a lot, so…
Mike: Weird move to invite Cho to the wedding though. That’s a weird…
Kim: It’s like the wedding of the century, so everyone's invited.
Sequoia: So everyone’s… the guest list is like a thousand people.
Kim: Every person. ’Cause Harry would really want a super extra wedding. I know Harry!
Sequoia: So would Ginny!
Kim: Shit.
Mike: Oy.
Kim: Anyway, that link will be in the description of this episode, as well as on our website, fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our story submission form, and you can find a list of all of our recommendations.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Oh, we don’t have our whiteboard. I’m gonna have to do this, aren't I? You can find us on social media: on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Send us emails with your longer thoughts or submissions for hold for the end please, or asking for your trickster…
Sequoia: Your trickster packages.
Kim: Packages.
Sequoia: We’re still sending those out, so if you want to trick your friends, email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: If you like this podcast, there are several ways you can help this podcast out. One, trick your friends 2019.
Sequoia: Two, leave a review on Facebook or iTunes. We’ll shout you out at the beginning of the episode.
Kim: Three, join our Patreon, and join our writing competition.
Sequoia: Join the writing competition. All right, Mike, where can we find you? What are you doing? What's going on?
Mike: Oh man, so if anyone is unaware of who I am, I host a podcast called Potterless where I never read the Harry Potter books. [Kim mutters] They should know. If you don't know, now you know!
Sequoia: I mean, most of them came here from Potterless, so I'm really not concerned.
Kim: Wow, we’re doing a great job.
Mike: Hey, you guys are growing! So in case anyone doesn't know, I do a podcast called Potterless. I never read the Harry Potter books as a kid. Reading them for the first time as an adult. I switch up the guests. Sequoia's been on, gotta get you in the mix, Kim. So I just finished the books, I’m now doing the movies and all the other, like, spinoffy type stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Mike: So if you wanna check that out, it’s @PotterlessPod on Twitter, PotterlessPodcast on Instagram, and then there's a website, PotterlessPodcast.com. You can just search for it on anywhere you get your podcasts and it’ll show up!
Sequoia: Nice. Nice! You also have a basketball podcast.
Mike: I do! It’s called HORSE, it’s about basketball but not really! So it’s basketball, it’s everything except for the wins and losses. So it’s just the entertainment part of basketball, so things like player drama, Twitter beefs, uniforms, or you know, how there’s… the Hong Kong/China thing is ruining the NBA right now!
Sequoia: Ooh, oh man.
Kim: That's spicy. There’s some spicy NBA stuff going on.
Mike: One general manager tweeted a pro Hong Kong thing and now the NBA’s losing like billions of dollars.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Mike: It’s ridiculous. The NBA is… seems like, more dramatic than written drama television shows.
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Mike: So if you wanna just follow basketball in the sillier aspects and not have to care about the sports, and just know about the fun stuff, check out HORSE. Again, the website is horsehoops.com and then if you search HORSE anywhere on your podcast app, we’re the one. [Sequoia and Kim laugh] Even though it's not about horses, there's thankfully no horse shows; it's just called HORSE.
Sequoia: What’s really funny…
Kim: That's very surprising.
Sequoia: For the longest time, when you looked at our podcast on Apple Podcasts and you looked at the recommended podcasts, Potterless was not listed, but HORSE was. [all laugh]
Mike: Hell yeah, baby! Love that! They know what's up.
Kim: Noice.
Sequoia: Yeah. Exactly.
Mike: Great. That’s very funny. But, yeah! Those are the two shows. I’m very biased, but I think they're both very good.
Sequoia: Yes. Mike is one of our favorite podcast people. We are just…
Kim: Period.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's the end of that.
Kim: Podcast people period.
Sequoia: And we’re so happy that you came on.
Mike: Yeah!
Sequoia: We’re so happy that we got the time to sit down…
Mike: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: …in real life, in person.
Kim: This was so fun.
Mike: This was good.
Sequoia: And do this.
Kim: Yeah, thanks for indulging us. Thanks for…
Mike: No, of course, thanks for having me! And it’s always good. I, like… Sequoia, I feel like I run into you all the time at all the different conventions or live shows and stuff, and then now getting to meet Kim is very fun.
Sequoia: Very good.
Mike: And, much like you said I’m one of your favorite podcasters, you two are some of my favorites, so…
Sequoia and Kim: Aww!
Mike: I love trying to, you know, just be a part of the show, ‘cause it's a fun podcast, and I’m glad that I’m back on it. It was fun last time, it's fun this time.
Sequoia: And it'll be fun the next time!
Mike: Yeah, future! So, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Mike: I’m excited for our panel tomorrow, which now at the time of releasing…
Kim: Which went…
Kim and Mike: …so well!
Sequoia: Here's the thing. We did extreme time travel!
Kim and Mike: Ohhhh! [all laugh]
Kim: Bring it around, nice job.
Mike: Oh man.
Sequoia: And on that note, thanks to The Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, Wolfstar.
All: [wildly] BYEEEEEE!
Kim: I was done. [all laugh]