Episode 57: Malfoy Chaos
Pardon our dust! This episode has some audio issues that Sequoia is not yet skilled enough to totally fix. RIP our sound mixer that gave its last gasping breath to bring you this episode. Shouts to our patrons on Patreon that helped us secure our new equipment that will bring back our usual stunning audio in the next episode!
Recommendation: New World
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3562297/4/New-World
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Anonny
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Uh, hey Kim.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: So I’m starting to become, like, actually concerned that the listeners think that I don’t let you leave the spare bedroom. [both erupt with laughter]
Kim: I mean, you let me go to the bar the other night.
Sequoia: I did let you go there. That’s true.
Kim: That’s in the pod. Confirmed outing.
Sequoia: See, listeners.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is [singing] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Really Broadway.
Sequoia: I’m ju… I do try.
Kim: [laughs] Oh, this is not a musical podcast.
Sequoia: No, it’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: Oh right, am I supposed to say that?
Sequoia: Yes, you are. [both laugh] Welcome to the podcast. We’ve got a couple quick things to get through and then we‘ve got… we’ve got a long one today, so…
Kim: I’m so excited.
Sequoia: It’s… It’s very good. I’m very excited about it, so…
Kim: Oh dang.
Sequoia: Let’s do a couple announcements real quick. One, we have… we are launching…
Kim: You say we. You say we.
Sequoia: [makes a few quick noises of slight protest] I am laun… [both laugh] We are launching the Trick Your Friends 2019 campaign. When you join the campaign, you will be provided with your campaign tools. [both laugh] Here’s the deal. You open your email, type in fanaticalfics@gmail.com. You send us your address. We send you the tools of the trade. [Kim snickers] You’ve got a button that has our logo on it, a button that says Support Fanatical Fics #1.
Kim: [laughing] Shit, man.
Sequoia: You get some business cards. You get some pass-it-along cards that you can write your favorite episode on. And you’ll get a little note from us.
Kim: And you’ll get an excu… a signed excuse that says, I am allowed to steal your phone and download a podcast onto it by the order of whomever. [Sequoia laughs] No, you’re not gonna get that.
Sequoia: And then we’ll sign it. No, now you’re gettin’ that. You said it out loud.
Kim: Oh dear lord.
Sequoia: So if you… if you want to join the campaign, if you would like to help us reach the downloads moon, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com with your address. What’s our second thing?
Kim: Um…
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh good. We are gonna be at LeakyCon in Boston.
Kim: Oh right. I mean, I feel like we’ve talked about this a lot already.
Sequoia: Yeah, we just wanted to hit it real quick. Just wanted to remind you…
Kim: For some reason, we’re doing a fucking panel.
Sequoia: Doing a fucking panel.
Kim: Like, a long-ass panel.
Sequoia: Lon-ass… Long-ass comedic lecture that is not suitable for children. So if you’re gonna be at LeakyCon, we’ll be there the whole time.
Kim: And you wanna hear about us rant about crack fanfiction for a while…
Sequoia: Yeah, you wanna see us dissect… [Kim laughs] like, a scholarly dissection of crack fanfiction. Come look at us.
Kim: Come check that out. It’s on Saturday, supposedly.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’ll be on Saturday at 4:30.
Kim: …ish.
Sequoia: Supposedly.
Kim: As of now, that’s when it’s scheduled.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So come check that out or just come check us out at LeakyCon. We’ll be hanging out the whole time.
Sequoia: Yeah, look at us.
Kim: Come say hi. I’ve seen a couple of you are gonna be there, so I’m excited to meet some of the fanatical fam.
Sequoia: Speaking of the fanatical fam, we’ve got some reviews.
Kim: Shout out to Damdidam. [Sequoia laughs] The end.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: No, he says, “This is one of the funniest podcasts they listen to: 5 out of 7.” Thanks so much. You’re a 5 out of 7 too.
Sequoia: Oh hell yeah. I love a good meme. Okay.
Kim: Woo.
Sequoia: Shout out to keatonjazz3, who calls us, “Two harpies cackling over garbage.” So…
Kim: That’s a go… that’s… that’s an int… That’s a mental image.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you so much. We are truly honored.
Kim: I’m imagining us…
Sequoia: Two harpies cackling over garbage; I’m changing our bio to that. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, we’re doing it. Oh no, the cackling. [Sequoia laughs] Shout out to Darkviolet, who says they’re loving the pod since they don’t have time to read fanfics on their own. You mean you don’t just ignore the stuff you need to do so you can find that perfect Blaise fic? That’s weird.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s weird.
Sequoia: What’s work or school when you have Blaise fics? [both laugh] Shout out to Erin, who is actually one of our patrons…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: …and very active on our Discord. Erin said that none of their other podcasts were as magically hilarious. And we just want to say that Erin, we are really honored to have listeners like you. [long pause] Yeah.
Kim: That was really… I couldn’t even come up with anything. I wasn’t expecting something nice, so I didn’t have something mean on… off the cuff there.
Sequoia: Yeah. I like to throw you off with just… a nice thing.
Kim: A genuine nice thing every once in a while.
Sequoia: A genuinely nice thing every once in a while.
Kim: That always… yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That always throws me off.
Sequoia: Yep, sorry, not sorry. Thanks Erin. Are you ready to make predictions?
Kim: [unsurely] Yeah.
Sequoia: This one, you could get something out of the title too, I think.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: This story… please make predictions. Tweet them at us @FanaticalFics. Do @ us. #FanficDivination.
Kim: Correct. Unless you’re a patron, then post them in the Discord.
Sequoia: Then post them in the Discord.
Kim: Maybe tweet ‘em at us too. I don’t know.
Sequoia: You know…
Kim: Do whatever makes you happy.
Sequoia: As of this recording, Ravenclaw is winning the house cup in our… in our Discord. Just sayin’.
Kim: In the Discord. So, that’s not surpris… Slytherin has zero points.
Sequoia: Slytherin has zero points, and, honestly, I’m… think it’s funny.
Kim: It is fun… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay so, make your predictions for a story titled Malfoy Chaos. It is adventure and drama. And it was written between Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows. Here you fucking go.
Kim: Shit. Malfoy is going to find out he’s descended from a magical creature in this.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Malfoy is going to team up with the trio in this.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: And they’re gonna destroy a Horcrux.
Sequoia: Excellent. Thank you for those. That was a… you just did that in a highly editable manner, and I appreciate it. [both laugh] Woo. Okay.
Kim: I can behave myself.
Sequoia: You don’t usually.
Kim: Look, I’m switchin’ it up. I’ve done three different things the last three times I’ve made predictions.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Maybe this one will work.
Sequoia: All right. Okay. Let’s see if it works. Listeners get your predictions in, and let’s go. This story is called Malfoy Chaos.
Kim: [snickers] Adventure and drama, really?
Sequoia: Adventure and drama.
Kim: Man. [Sequoia laughs] What happened to our romance days? Oh wait, I just did one.
Sequoia: Yeah, you di… I mean they’re… they’re at least every other week, if not every… every other episode, if not every episode. All right, here we go. [whiny voice] “Please, I will do anything,” pleaded Draco to his father.
Kim: Was that… that was Draco?
Sequoia: Yes. I’m doing a different Draco voice than what we usually do.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: Because… you will see why.
Kim: Oh god, is he a child? What the fuck.
Sequoia: No. [stern voice] “No, the house elves can’t be put in Muggle zoos. How can you even think of that?” Mr. Malfoy argued back.
Kim: What? I don’t understand.
Sequoia: We will not revisit this.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: That’s all you get of that.
Kim: What is… are we gonna get a passage of time? What?
Sequoia: No, they just started off the story with, like, the tail end of a conversation…
Kim: Oh, okay. That’s fine. That’s fine.
Sequoia: …that he was having with his dad…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: …about putting house elves in Muggle zoos.
Kim: That doesn’t make any sense.
Sequoia: It doesn’t. I don’t know why he would want that.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Draco huffed at his father’s decision and dropped on the couch. The doorbell rang. Draco jumped up and ran for the door, Mr. Malfoy right behind him.
Kim: Draco wouldn’t get his own door.
Sequoia: No, that’s for the house elves. Who are… belong in your house, doing your chores, and not in the Muggle zoo.
Kim: Draco.
Sequoia: Exactly, what is happening? I like that he ran f… that he jumped up and ran for the door, and Mr. Malfoy was right behind him…
Kim: Right behind him.
Sequoia: …also running for the door. They’re like pushing each other.
Kim: Like the Malfoys ever run anywhere.
Sequoia: Yeah, [whiny, mocking tone] I’ll get the door. No, I’m going to get the door. No, I’m going to get the door.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It’s fine. It’s fine. He scooted Draco out of the way and opened the door. A young girl around Draco’s age of sixteen was standing there.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Don’t… yeah, are you ready? Do you know what’s happening?
Kim: Whoever this is, it’s… it’s gonna be… no. Is this an OC? [they go back and forth with non-committal noises before laughing] We haven’t done OC in a while.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is some really classic, too. It’s really classic.
Kim: Oh nice.
Sequoia: The g… She’s sixteen.
Kim: Is she his cousin? Is she a cousin?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Is she a long lost daughter?
Sequoia: Mmmmm?
Kim: Is it Voldemort’s daughter?
Sequoia: You’ll see.
Kim: Goddamnit.
Sequoia: Hold for the text.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She had long, silvery blond hair, just like the Malfoys…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that was tied up with a black hair tie.
Kim: Uh huh. [snorts with laughter]
Sequoia: Are you ready for this? You’re not.
Kim: That’s… that was weirdly specif…
Sequoia: You are not ready for what’s happening right now, okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: She had headphones around her neck that were connected to a CD player in her left hand.
Kim: Yes. Yes, she did.
Sequoia: She had on…
Kim: What’s she listening to? I need to know what she’s listening… is she playing the music through the headphones?
Sequoia: No, but she might play some music later.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: She had on a black T-shirt that read “Green Day.” [Kim screams] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: I was gonna make a cut to the core joke, but that’s better. Oh. Oh yes.
Sequoia: I’m not kidding you right now; this person is… they… this OC is me.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: It’s… it is fourteen year old me.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And I was readin’ this fanfic, and I was like, wow.
Kim: That’s me.
Sequoia: Wow. Wow. Wow.
Kim: Why are they… why are they just writing about me?
Sequoia: Your CD player and your Green Day t-shirt, this is not even… this is… I wore this on the first day of school in seventh grade.
Kim: [stifles laughter] I was never…
Sequoia: Almost this exact outfit.
Kim: I was never cool enough to have a Green Day t-shirt.
Sequoia: [laughs] It was not the same Green Day t-shirt, ‘cause this one is a black…
Kim: Is this a specific Green Day t-shirt?
Sequoia: It is. It’s a black Gr… that read “Green Day,” with a red grenade on it.
Kim: Oh, it’s from their American Idiot…
Sequoia: It’s the American Idiot t-shirt.
Sequoia: Which, you know, doesn’t line up timeline-wise, but that’s fine.
Kim: I mean, it’s… fuck. When did Green Day… when did Green Day’s first album come out? Would it… yeah, would it…?
Sequoia: Their first album was in the ‘80s.
Kim: Okay, so it would be possible to be a Green Day fan.
Sequoia: Right, but American Idiot hadn’t come out yet.
Kim: Yeah, that came out when we were in whatever… whenever.
Sequoia: It’s okay. She’ll play a more time suitable Green Day song later.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: It’s me. …dark green jeans with black shoes that read, “Chuck Taylor’s Converse All Stars.”
Kim: Why would you need to say that?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Why would you not just say she’s wear…
Sequoia: She’s wearing… she’s wearing Chucks.
Kim: Wait, did they not specify what color the Converse are?
Sequoia: Black.
Kim: Oh, they’re black. Okay, good.
Sequoia: Of course they’re black.
Kim: I was… I was worried that we didn’t know what color the Converse were.
Sequoia: Oh. N… n… no. Of course they’re black. It was my outfit.
Kim: Wait, are they the all black ones, or are they the one… the black ones with the white?
Sequoia: I’m assuming they’re the black ones with the white.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Because it’s me.
Kim: Oh okay. I don’t know. I think the…
Sequoia: There was a quick moment where I was like, did I write this fanfiction? [both laugh]
Kim: I think the all black ones were cooler.
Sequoia: Really?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I always had a pair of black with the white.
Kim: I mean, I had the black… I still have… what’s happening?
Sequoia: It’s fine. We’re fine. We’re just… ‘cause… we’re… we’ll keep reading fanfiction now.
Kim: We’re just excited that we’re in the fanfiction this time. It’s… it’s less me; it’s more you.
Sequoia: This fanfic’s about us. “Mr. Malfoy?” she asked in a slightly worried voice. “Yes,” he answered back while trying to push Draco out of the way.
Kim: Go away, Draco. Nobody likes you.
Sequoia: Draco’s like, [very whiny voice] what? Who’s at the door? What?
Kim: Is it for me?
Sequoia: Is it for me? “I’m your daughter.” I feel like I… I feel like I had to… there… there was a theme. This month got a theme.
Kim: Yeah. [more emphatically] Yeah, why are we doing themed months?
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t know because it’s not like I went looking for this specifically.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It just happened to me, and I was like, oh look, it’s a fanfic. Did I write this? I’m in this fanfic. Oh my god, what’s happening? And then I had to read it to you. There was no alternative.
Kim: Okay, so we’re getting a long lost sister.
Sequoia: We’re getting a long lost sister.
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: He stared at her in disbelief, and Draco stopped pushing and fell on the floor. [both laugh]
Kim: What is wrong with Draco?
Sequoia: Draco… Draco in this story… Draco in this story…
Kim: Is that why you were doing a voice?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause he’s nuts.
Sequoia: ‘Cause he’s totally… he’s like, I have a sister, and just, like, collapses onto the floor.
Kim: Bye, Draco.
Sequoia: ‘Member that time when Draco was making fun of Harry for fainting, and he just kept doing the same fainting joke over and over again. Way to faint, Draco.
Kim: I don’t know that he fainted. I think he just like… his dad stopped pushing him, and he just fell.
Sequoia: I like to think that he…
Kim: Fainted. Fine.
Sequoia: That he collapsed onto the floor.
Kim: That is funnier.
Sequoia: They stood there in silence for a few minutes. Well, not Draco. Draco’s on the floor. Yeah.
Kim: Not absolute silence. Green Day’s playing quietly in the background. [Sequoia laughs] [singing under her breath] I want to be an Amer… [continues the tune briefly with incoherent lyrics] [Sequoia laughs] Can hear it.
Sequoia: If you could just keep singing American Idiot under your breath for the rest of the… [Kim resumes singing the tune] Yeah, thank you. Welcome to the… the…the Green Day cast. Woo. Let’s see, okay. They stood there in silence for a few minutes and then Lucius waved her in quickly.
Kim: Get… get in the house. Get in… what are you?
Sequoia: Get… just get in the fucking house. All right. He took her into the living room and looked her over. Draco stood in the doorway, staring at this sister.
Kim: So if she’s the same age as Draco, is she his long lost twin sister?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Yes. What the fuck does that mean? How the fuck does that happen?
Sequoia: They split the chil… they…
Kim: They just forgot that there were two kids that happened.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: No, you… hold for the text. [Kim screams] Okay. Draco stood in the doorway staring at this sister of his. She did look like his family, with the silvery blond hair, thin face. Wow. What if… no, she couldn’t… she… his dad couldn’t have… Draco’s gonna faint again.
Kim: Yeah. Draco’s havin’ a little break… breakdown in the corner.
Sequoia: But what if i… no… what?
Kim: What if I…
Sequoia: But she… and I…
Kim: Oh n…
Sequoia: …and Dad… and…
Kim: Did they send her to America? I hope they sent her to America.
Sequoia: I don’t know; did they send her to Amer…
Kim: Oh! Awesome. What? Stupid. I love it. More. This is… this is…
Sequoia: What if… here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. What… what if I just… what if there was no co-host at all for either of us? It was just, like, one of us sits down and reads a fanfic, and there’s just a soundboard that’s like, what? No. I want more! Thank you. I hate it. Jesus fucking Christ! And you just push the little buttons.
Kim: Fine. You want me to make another joke.
Sequoia: Just get another fuckin’… [laughs]
Kim: I’ll make a joke. Uh…
Sequoia: Duh.
Kim: Fart noise.
Sequoia: You know how Harry Potter faints all the time? Funny. Okay. Dad… his dad… uh, gah, bleh.
Kim: Oh my gosh. I love this so much. This is so… this is so classic.
Sequoia: This is… yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I can’t believe I didn’t write this fanfiction.
Kim: It’s so perfect. This is hitting everything. I love it.
Sequoia: “What? You um… Jennine?” Lucius asked quietly.
Kim: Her name’s Jennine?
Sequoia: Her name is not Jennine.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Dead. Some Muggle disease. Um… Leukaemia,” she told him. She glanced at Draco, who was now staring at her like she was an alien from Mars. She looked back at Lucius.
Kim: Mhm. Does he think she was on Mars because she was goin’ to Pigfarts?
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. [laughs] Yeah, that’s why they never… they didn’t send her America, they sent her to Mars. Good. Thank you. Thanks for that. That was a new joke.
Kim: [laughing] Pigfarts. Pigfarts.
Sequoia: It… it wa… I mean, it wasn’t a new joke. It was someone else’s joke.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s a reference. Different.
Sequoia: “Uh huh, and you’ve no other place to go?” “No, Mom wrote you this letter telling you all about it.” She pulled a letter from her pocket and handed it to him. He read, “Dear Lucius.”
Kim: Is he reading it out loud? Why would he read it out loud?
Sequoia: I don’t think he’s reading it out load.
Kim: Oh, okay. We’re just getting the letter.
Sequoia: I think we just are getting the letter.
Kim: Okay, that’s fine.
Sequoia: Because it would be really weird if he read this out loud. [both laugh] “Dear Lucius, I know that we said we would never speak to one another again, but I need a favor. I want you to take care of Kara. [Kim snickers] Isn’t Kara, like, a great OC name?
Kim: That’s… that’s a pretty good OC name, but that’s not what I was expecting.
Sequoia: What were you expecting? Like…
Kim: Crystal, Serena, or something more Draco-like. What are the bad…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What are the naughty… like, bad OCs usually named? Raven.
Sequoia: Yeah, I was… I was like Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way or whatever.
Kim: No. Fine.
Sequoia: I can’t help you.
Kim: Doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: “I know it’s short notice, but I’m dying of a disease called Leukaemia. Please, do this for me. She has been attending Beauxbatons for the past five years.” Which doesn’t make any sense because you’re about to find out that she also lives in America. We’ll get there. It’s fine.
Kim: I mean, we only know about a couple schools.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: It’s weird that she didn’t… a lot of people had the… the misunderstanding that the Salem Witches Institute was the American school…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …and not just, like, a group of American witches.
Sequoia: Yeah, I remember that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I remember that being a thing for sure.
Kim: So, that was… that was often used I think.
Sequoia: So that one… and this is post Half Blood Prince, so that could be a thing that they had decided ‘cause it was in book four, right?
Kim: That was in book four. Yeah, I do…
Sequoia: But the… but also…
Kim: Usually they… usually they make up an American school.
Sequoia: A lot of people made up their own American school.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Weird that she would go to…
Both: …Beauxbatons
Sequoia: “I’ve sent a letter to the Headmistress, Madame Maxime, informing her that Kara will not be attending Beauxbatons anymore. I also wrote a letter to Albus Dumbledore telling him that Kara would be attending Hogwarts if you let her stay, which I hope you will.”
Kim: I mean, she doesn’t need to stay to go to Hogwarts. Hogwarts is a boarding school.
Sequoia: That’s true. [both laugh] I don’t know; maybe they’ve got like… I don’t know, like boundaries like our high schools have. Or like…
Kim: Oh. You have to, like, live in…
Sequoia: You have to live within the school boundary.
Kim: Beauxbatons doesn’t, apparently.
Sequoia: Apparently, because…
Kim: Why can’t she just keep going to…
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know. Because the story necessitates it.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “And I wanted to explain why I left. A rich life just wasn’t what I was used to. For my last favor, I would like you…” [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She was like, you’re just, like… you were just, like, too rich and then I le… left.
Kim: Wha… i… is this pers… this person is Jennine?
Sequoia: Jennine.
Kim: Is Jennine Draco and Kara’s mom?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Not Narcissa.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: And she left because he was too rich.
Kim: And she took one of the twins.
Sequoia: And she took one baby with her.
Kim: And now she’s dead, so they can’t even Parent Trap them.
Sequoia: No. [Kim sighs] Yeah, I know. I know. I…
Kim: Draco and Kara are supposed to meet at wizard summer camp.
Sequoia: [laughs] Don’t you know how this story goes?
Kim: [laughs] Author, let me tell you how your story goes.
Sequoia: Come on. “For my last favor, I would like you to tell Draco about his mother. I want him to know that I love him very much and it was better of me to leave him with you.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t help you.
Kim: What? Wh…
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Because… because Lucius is really rich.
Kim: So?
Sequoia: So it was go…
Kim: So one of the kids deserved to come with her, and the other one has to stay with Lucius.
Sequoia: So one of the kids gets her, and the other one… has to stay with Lucius.
Kim: That doesn’t make…
Both: …any sense.
Sequoia: Thank you. “Do these things for me, please. Thank you so much. Love, Jennine Malfoy.”
Kim: She kept his… never mind.
Sequoia: She kept his last name. It’s fine.
Kim: That’s fine. Is Kara have Malfoy last name too?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: Cool, cool, cool. Lucius dropped the letter and began to cry. Draco almost collapsed.
Kim: Again.
Sequoia: Again.
Sequoia: Draco’s got some fainting stuff in this one.
Kim: Maybe he wasn’t, like, making fun of Harry. He just was collapsing a lot in that other story.
Sequoia: And then being like, oh, did… see, that was so funny ‘cause Potter did it.
Kim: Did that.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: He was so excited that someone else collapsed; he couldn’t stop collapsing himself.
Sequoia: He couldn’t stop from… [laughs] Draco almost collapsed. He had never seen his father cry. Kara began to back away, not knowing what to do.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Lucius slowly looked up at her into her deep, bright blue eyes. “Draco, send an elf to take Kara to a spare bedroom.” Draco ran and got an elf. He did not want to go back into the living room.
Kim: Why do you have to… that… you can just say elf.
Sequoia: Yeah, they just appear.
Kim: They’re ma… they’re ma…
Sequoia: Magiiiiic.
Kim: He just didn’t want to look at Draco any more.
Sequoia: No, he was like, Draco, would you please stop collapsing in front of our guests?
Kim: Go somewhere else.
Sequoia: Draco ran and got an elf. He did not want to go back into the living room…
Kim: Fair.
Sequoia: …so he went into the kitchen. He stood there for a while and then got a glass of water. When he turned around, he dropped the glass.
Kim: I think Lucius did read the st… the letter out loud. ‘Cause Draco has the information that was in the letter. It seems like.
Sequoia: Yeah. He do… well, I feel like he would almost collapse because he just found out that his mom is not his mom…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …and not because Lucius is crying.
Kim: His dad was crying. So he just saw Lucius crying, almost collapsed, and now doesn’t want to be anywhere near that.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Draco.
Sequoia: He just doesn’t like it when people cry. He doesn’t like…
Kim: That’s… that’s really weird.
Sequoia: Draco is weird in this story, okay? When he turned around, he dropped the glass. “Oh my god!” he yelled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that. When you left to get an elf, you didn’t come back, so I was looking for you. I wanted to introduce myself. I’m Kara Malfoy.”
Kim: [gutturally] Uhhhhh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco stared. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco fainted! He didn’t know what to say.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So he definitely didn’t hear the letter.
Kim: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. He definitely…
Kim: He just bounced as soon as he saw Lucius…
Both: …crying.
Sequoia: He was like, this is fucking weird. I’m out.
Kim: Yeah, whatever.
Sequoia: I’m gonna go stand in the kitchen. Stand there. He didn’t know what to say. He was happy he had a sister, but also angry. Why didn’t his father tell him?
Kim: He’s happy to have a sister? There is no way.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Draco wouldn’t…
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy would be like, here’s the fucking thing. I get all the money still.
Kim: [snobby tone] I’m the favorite.
Sequoia: [matching Kim’s tone] My father loves me.
Kim: [the tone continues] The most.
Sequoia: Exactly. No.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s happy to have a sister, but he’s also angry, and he’ll sometimes doesn’t know how to feel, and…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …he doesn’t like it when his dad cries.
Kim: [laughs] Okay fine.
Sequoia: “I didn’t know I had a brother until Mom told me at the Muggle factory,” she said.
Kim: The Muggle factory?
Sequoia: Yeah, the Muggle factory. You want to guess what the Muggle factory is?
Kim: Is that a place where they make Muggles?
Sequoia: Yeah, where do you make… where… where do Muggles… where do you make Muggles? Where do Muggles appear? [long pause] Where d… where?
Kim: What’s a Muggle factory?
Sequoia: “The what?” “Oh sorry. I meant hospital.” She blushed.
Kim: Oh, she dumb.
Sequoia: ‘Cause that’s where the Muggles…
Kim: She dumb.
Sequoia: That’s where the Muggles…
Kim: No. No.
Sequoia: That’s where the Muggles…
Kim: Wizards have hospitals.
Sequoia: That’s where the Muggles…
Kim: No. No.
Sequoia: That’s where…
Kim: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Wizards have hospitals.
Sequoia: [laughing] Muggles…
Kim: Wizards have hospitals.
Sequoia: That’s…
Kim: That’s the American term. The American wizarding term for hospitals. We also call wizard hospitals Muggle factories too, weirdly enough. We call them magic Muggle factories.
Sequoia: Magic… it’s where Muggles… never mind. Fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. Draco laughed. Then there was silence. Kara looked around the kitchen. “Do you spend a lot of time in here?” she asked.
Kim: In the kitchen?
Sequoia: Yeah. [defiant tone] “No, I’ve only been in here like twice.” [both laugh]
Kim: I’m sorry, what?
Sequoia: Draco barely even he knows where the kitchen is, Kara.
Kim: What is he doing there?
Sequoia: What do you mean, the kitchen?
Kim: What… what is he doing there?
Sequoia: He was so freaked out that Lucius was crying…
Kim: He just wandered around the house until he found a room.
Sequoia: …that he wandered around the… and he found a room, and he was like, oh, what’s this room? [both laugh] No.
Kim: He… that’s why he was just standing there. ‘Cause he couldn’t figure out what the room was for.
Sequoia: Yeah, so he stood there for a while, and then he was like, well, there seems to be some glasses and some water in here. Maybe I’ll have some water. [Kim laughs] Do you spend a lot of time here? Yeah.
Kim: You come here often?
Sequoia: Yeah. Dra… Draco’s a real… he really likes to bake, Draco.
Kim: No, he doesn’t. No, he doesn’t.
Sequoia: “I’ve only been in here like twice.” “Oh, I see.” “What’s your accent?”
Kim: Draco has never heard an American accent before?
Sequoia: Never. Never before.
Kim: Cool. Fine.
Sequoia: What is your accent? Who are you? Get out of my house. The money’s all mine. Draco.
Kim: Draco out.
Sequoia: Draco out. I have never seen a person cry before. What’s a kitchen? “What is your accent?” “American, why?” “You lived in America, where?” “New York City, New York.”
Kim: Oh, she’s got like a really heavy New York accent.
Sequoia: She does. I’m not doin’ it ‘cause…
Kim: Done. No.
Sequoia: No. Yeah.
Kim: Maybe… maybe he’s just never heard a really heavy…
Both: …New York accent.
Sequoia: I mean, he probably wouldn’t have.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s no reason for him to have.
Kim: He doesn’t… I doubt he watches any movies.
Sequoia: Right, stupid Muggle pictures.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. No. No, he doesn’t do that.
Kim: That’s a sad existence.
Sequoia: So, maybe it’s a kind of legitimate question of what her accent is, but I don’t know.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She looked at him. He was frowning. “Stupid Muggles. A lot of them live in New York.”
Kim: Is that Draco?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: He knows something about New York.
Sequoia: He does know something about New York. Muggles live there. Guess where else Muggles live. Everywhere, Draco.
Kim: Yeah, but there’s… there’s a lot. A lot of them.
Sequoia: Draco, you live, like, London adjacent. Stupid. “A lot of them live in New York. Goyle and his family went on vacation there.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “Who is Goyle?” “He’s my friend. I…”
Kim: Nope, he’s my lackey.
Sequoia: He’s my lackey. “He’s my friend. I met him at Hogwarts six years ago along with Potter and his stupid friends.”
Kim: Doesn’t mention Vinny.
Sequoia: No. No Vinny at all.
Kim: Just goes straight to Potter.
Sequoia: He’s just like… he’s name dropping at this point.
Kim: He is.
Sequoia: He’s absolutely name dropping.
Kim: Shithead.
Sequoia: Yeah, poor Vinny. “Potter? Like, Harry Potter? Wow.”
Kim: You know Harry Potter?
Sequoia: You know Harry Potter?
Kim: [snide, pretentious voice] Well, I don’t know.
Sequoia: [same voice] Stupid Potter. “Wow. He won the Triwizard Cup, didn’t he? I don’t really think he met the Dark Lord. I think it was all a publicity stunt. He probably killed Cedric himself.”
Kim: Wowwwwww.
Sequoia: Hot take, hot take, hot take, hot take, hot take. Spicy.
Kim: Did you know? Wait, I’d forgotten.
Sequoia: Wait, is…
Both: …Cedric’s dead. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, he probably… it was just a big publicity stunt.
Kim: To murder Cedric.
Sequoia: To murder Cedric. That makes sense.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: That makes a whole ton of sense.
Kim: Yeah, you’re… you’re smart.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She begun to trail off in her opinion. Dra…
Kim: Yeah, there’s… there’s nothin’ there.
Sequoia: ‘Cause… yeah, she’s like, well, I think this, and, um, it doesn’t make any sense. Thank you. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Draco looked at her. “Man, I know we’re going to get along well,” he laughed. She smiled. They began to tell all about life and going to school at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They had a couple of great laughs at each other’s stories.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: About an hour later, they stopped talking and wondered if this was all a dream. They were interrupted…
Kim: Oh, weird. That’s fine.
Sequoia: They’re best friends now because she’s got some hot Harry Potter takes. Some real spicy, spicy Harry Potter takes. And Draco’s into that. He’s like, yeah, that… we can be friends now. You think Potter’s a liar. Cool, me too.
Kim: One time, he cut me open. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, this is post Half Blood Prince. Also, this author at one point… there’s, like, an author’s note that like’s, LOL. I forgot everything that happened in, like, the last two books. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, did we write this story?
Sequoia: It’s just like… yeah, did we write this story? Is it about us? About an hour later, they stopped talking and wondered if this was all a dream. They were interrupted by Mr. Malfoy walking in.
Kim: Where is Narcissa?
Sequoia: Nowhere in this story. Literally not in the story at all.
Kim: [laughs]That’s fuckin’ weird.
Sequoia: Is it?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Is it weird?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Is it?
Kim: [emphatically] Yes.
Sequoia: To Draco’s thankfulness, he had stopped crying and looked normal again. Draco’s like, oh good, at least he’s not crying any more. Also…
Kim: Draco, you just spent the last entirety of your last school year sobbing in a bathroom.
Sequoia: This author doesn’t… this is based off Goblet of Fire, I think.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Also, I like to imagine that they had an hour to sit there and talk because Lucius was like, where did everyone go?
Kim: Sobbing for an hour.
Sequoia: No. I think he…
Kim: Oh, just would never guess that anyone’s hanging out in the kitchen.
Sequoia: He would never guess that they were in the kitchen.
Kim: He’s gone to every other room in the house. Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: Every other room.
Kim: Like, wandered the grounds.
Sequoia: And it took an hour because they have such a giant house.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Five dining rooms. He set a couple of letters on the counter. “Here are your letters at… from Hogwarts. And Kara…”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: They just... they arrived while he was…
Kim: That instant.
Sequoia: They dropped into his hands while he was wandering the… the gardens trying to find them.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “And Kara, Dumbledore has put you in Slytherin with Draco.”
Kim: That’s not how that works.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: “We will all be going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. Now, up to bed. We will be leaving quite early,” he said in a clear voice.
Kim: I feel like usually OCs make way more of a scene at the sorting ceremony…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …instead of getting preemptively sorted. Like, OCs live to barge in in the middle of the sorting ceremony and be like, [grandiose, authoritative tone] sort me now! I’m whomever. Look at my flashing eyes! We don’t do enough OC stuff.
Sequoia: We don’t. I love OCs.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s hard.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: But no, she’s a transfer student.
Both: So…
Sequoia: [increasingly high pitched voice] …she doesn’t get to be a part of the sorting ceremony question mark?
Kim: Nope, that’s not true. Not true. Nope.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Okay. Draco and Kara groaned at the same time, then they stopped.
Kim: ‘Cause they have to go shopping?
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause they have to… we’re going to Diagon Alley early tomorrow, and they’re like, aw, Dad.
Kim: [petulant tone] I don’t want to go shopping.
Sequoia: I don’t want to go shopping. Then they…
Kim: That’s for poor people.
Sequoia: It seems to me like Kara just came into a bunch of money.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know. So, like, fuck yeah, let’s… let’s go shopping.
Kim: I’m gonna make the most of it.
Sequoia: No. It’s a theme.
Kim: Apparently… apparently she’s not, though.
Sequoia: No. Draco and Kara groaned at the same time, then they stopped, looked at each other, and laughed. They’re already so the same.
Kim: Twins.
Sequoia: Twins.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: They grabbed their letters and raced to their rooms. Somehow, Kara won.
Kim: They’re going to different rooms. How would they…
Sequoia: Yeah, well, their rooms are next to each other.
Kim: Oh, sure.
Sequoia: Kara noticed her room was right next to Draco’s.
Kim: Oh okay, fine.
Sequoia: “COOL!” she thought. It’s all caps too. COOL!
Kim: She is… there is not much goin’ on up there.
Sequoia: She’s like, have you ever been in the Muggle factory? Have you ever heard of Green Day? I only know one band. [laughing] “COOL!” she thought. They said their good nights and went to bed…
Kim: Good night.
Sequoia: Good night. …not knowing who they will be meeting at Diagon Alley tomorrow.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: A blood curdling scream echoed through the Malfoy mansion.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Draco jumped out of bed and went next door to Kara’s room. He was quickly joined by his father.
Kim: Is she surprised by the house elves?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: I mean, they’re kinda terrifying.
Sequoia: I mean, she seems to know what a house elf is, though. She wasn’t surprised by the one.
Kim: She just… I mean, she just wasn’t… oh yeah, she kno…
Sequoia: There’s something else going on here.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “What’s going on?” he bellowed as he opened the door. She had one of the elves by the neck, screaming into its floppy, big ears. “How dare you even touch my stuff? I’m gonna rip your ears off and feed them to a horntail if you don’t give them back!” she yelled.
Kim: Well, I mean, she sucks like a Malfoy. So that’s something.
Sequoia: Yeah, she… she sucks. She sucks. But li… we… yeah, okay. We’ll get there. Hold for the text.
Kim: Okay. No.
Sequoia: [clears throat] I don’t know how to do a house elf voice. [squeaky voice] “You are not a master.” [both laugh] Is that good?
Kim: Shit, man.
Sequoia: Is that good?
Kim: Doesn’t matter, do it.
Sequoia: “Shiny things belong to Zahnee now!”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The house elf’s name is Zahnee, and it’s spelled Z A H N E E.
Kim: ‘Kay, fine.
Sequoia: Zahnee the house elf. The shiny things are mine.
Kim: That’s not how house elf magic works, also.
Sequoia: It is not. The elf managed to choke out. “Zahnee, give it back,” Lucius said calmly. “And Kara, please release him.” The little elf reached into his little burlap sack tunic and dug out a circular disk and handed it to Kara.
Kim: That elf touched her fuckin’ CD!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: That thing can die. Nope, that’s not true.
Sequoia: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Kim: Also, that’s just… if you’re a mem… if you’re a member by blood of the family, the house elf belongs to you, because…
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm. Yeah. It’s a… it’s like a blood magic thing.
Kim: Blood magic.
Sequoia: It’s not that they don’t… like, I don’t believe that you are.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They don’t… they don’t get to think like that.
Sequoia: No. Zahnee the house elf…
Kim: Does.
Sequoia: …does whatever Zahnee wants to do.
Kim: Something… something is wrong with the Malfoy’s house elves, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah well, the Malfoys are fuckin’ awful so…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don’t know. Zahnee. She immediately dropped him and looked over the disk. The elf slipped out quickly but not too soon to get a smack on the back of the head by Lucius. “What is that?” Draco asked as he stepped forward.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “This is a CD. It plays music when it’s in a CD player. It’s a Muggle device.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Kara said as she put the CD in the player. Draco flinched as a blast of hard music filled the silent air. Would you like to guess what song is about to play?
Kim: How is there music filling the air? Does she have speakers?
Sequoia: Yeah, I think she also just has a regular CD player. I think it is implied…
Kim: Oh. Oh, like a…
Sequoia: Like a boombox.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: I think it’s implied that she showed up with all her shit also.
Kim: Okay. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, which incl… obviously includes a boombox.
Kim: ‘Kay, what CD is this? I need to know.
Sequoia: Well I mean, you know what the band is.
Kim: Okay. No, I don’t know.
Sequoia: Okay. No, you don’t know?
Kim: Nah, I don’t know.
Sequoia: She only knows one band. It’s Green Day. Draco flinched as a blast of hard music filled the silent air. [singing nasally] “Do you have the time/To listen to me whine.” [laughs] Do you like my Billie Joe Armstrong? I’m doin’ a good… a good job today. Every voice is the same. Zahnee the house elf and Billie Joe Armstrong had the same voice. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh god. Oh dear lord. [the laughter continues] Shit. Am I gonna get more?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: [groaning] Oh.
Sequoia: “What the bloody hell? Where is that coming from? Are there little people in it?”
Kim: Draco!
Sequoia: [laughing] Draco’s so dumb. Draco’s so dumb.
Kim: Is that…
Sequoia: They have…
Kim: No, you have… wizards have radios.
Sequoia: Wizards have radios. You have radios. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, but those have little people…
Sequoia: The Muggle contraption’s the one with the little people in it. For sure. Kara laughed. “No, the music is recorded onto it. It’s complicated. You wouldn’t understand.”
Kim: ‘Cause you’re so stupid.
Sequoia: “What wouldn’t I…”
Kim: Not that Kara understands.
Sequoia: The Muggle factory.
Kim: That’s the reas… the reason Kara says you wouldn’t understand is because Kara has no idea how it works.
Sequoia: Kara does not know. Incredible. “What wouldn’t I understand? Huh? What? Are you calling me dumb? Are you saying you’re smarter than me? Stop pushing me out the door!” [yelling as if far away] “What won’t I understand?” Draco managed to yell as his… as he was pushed out of the room.
Kim: By whom?
Sequoia: Kara.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: He sighed frustratedly. He just realized Lucius was still there. He looked at him, and he had a weird look on his face.
Kim: Was it a what the fuck’s wrong with you Draco look?
Sequoia: Yeah, it was a hundred percent a, like, you gotta… fucking you little shit, have you ever seen a goddamn radio before? Is what the… is definitely what the look is.
Kim: Yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Sequoia: But Draco’s like, “You’re not gonna start to cry again, are you?” Draco remarked as he walked to his room. And Lucius is like…
Kim: What are you?
Sequoia: What the fuck is wrong with this kid?
Kim: I assume Lucius is thinking that most of the time.
Sequoia: Yeah. A passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Arriving at Diagon Alley, Draco immediately started looking around for Crabbe and Goyle.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Draco, will you be so kind and take your… take Kara along with you and your friends? I need a drink.” [both laugh] It’s also early morning.
Kim: Yeah. Look, he has to spend time with Draco.
Sequoia: He needs a drink.
Kim: Fuck that.
Sequoia: Lucius gave them each some money and wandered off. I wonder if he just gives them like giant stacks of like… he’s like, here’s a little coin purse, and it’s just filled with like…
Kim: Galleons.
Sequoia: The equivalent of like $700 or whatever. He’s like, I don’t know how much things cost.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Take this money.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “You don’t have to stick around. I can find my way,” Kara said when she saw Draco checking out some girls at the broom shop. He nodded and went off.
Kim: Oh, bye.
Sequoia: He’s like, oh yeah, sure. ‘Kay. Bye.
Kim: I’m gonna go talk to those ladies.
Sequoia: Talk to those ladies.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Kara shook her head and headed to get some new robes, books, and whatever else she needed.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: After collecting everything she needed except her animal, she decided to go get something to eat.
Kim: [singing] Why doesn’t she have an animal already?
Sequoia: Beauxbatons does n…
Kim: Oh, they don’t allow animals at Beauxbatons because they’re filthy.
Sequoia: Exactly. Yes. Sure.
Kim: Animals are filthy. No animals allowed at Beauxbatons.
Sequoia: [snooty voice] No animals allowed.
Kim: I… I had this, like, image of Beauxbatons in my head. Do you have, like, a mental image of Beauxbatons?
Sequoia: It’s the fuckin’…
Kim: It’s like…
Sequoia: …castle at Disneyland.
Kim: Oh, is it?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I have like a crystal palace in my brain.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I feel like we’re on the same sort of trajectory though.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s just, like, filled with princesses.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
[long pause]
Kim: It’s not an all girls school.
Sequoia: It’s not an all girls school.
Kim: M’kay. I just wanted to check…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …that you knew that.
Sequoia: And princes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Princes and princesses
Kim: Okay, good.
Sequoia: Very nose in the air and sort of like…
Kim: Yeah, why do… why is that what we…?
Sequoia: I don’t know. We’ve never read the Harry Potter books. Okay. Let’s see, where were we? After collecting everything she needed except her animal, she decided to get something to eat. She found a small ice cream shop, got a chocolate shake, and…
Kim: That’s the only food we know of in Diagon Alley.
Sequoia: The Leaky Cauldron.
Kim: The Leaky Cauldron has food too.
Sequoia: She could go get real food.
Kim: But the only other food.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: There’s two food places. Or you could go find that toenail lady, I guess.
Sequoia: Gross. [both laugh] Got a chocolate shake, and sat at an empty table outside. She began flipping through “Magical Creatures II” as she sipped.
Kim: Magical Creatures 2 Fast 2 Furious.
Sequoia: It’s… yeah, I was… I was gonna say. 2 Fantastic 2 Beast.
Kim: That’s the one.
Sequoia: As she sipped her shake. “Hey, do you mind if I sit here? All the other tables are full...”
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: …a brown haired girl asked.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: This isn’t gonna go well.
Sequoia: “Oh, go ahead,” Kara said, looking up from her book. The girl sat down with a pumpkin pasty. “My name’s Hermione. I don’t think I’ve seen you before. Visiting family?” “My name’s Kara, and no. I’m transferring to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons.”
Kim: She only said her first name.
Sequoia: She only said her first name. Mhm.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I mean, Hermione only said her first name.
Kim: That’s how… that’s a whole… I gu… that’s not how introductions work.
Sequoia: But Kara is, like, very unaware.
Kim: Of everything.
Sequoia: Of everything.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: She doesn’t know what’s happening.
Kim: I’m surprised she doesn’t think that little people are inside her speakers. Maybe she’s taken them apart to check.
Sequoia: She took them apart to check and then tried to put it back together and couldn’t put it back together, so then she had to buy a new boombox.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great. Great, great, great. “Really? Is that allowed? In the whole five years I’ve been here, I’ve never seen someone transfer. Do you have to start at year one or can you pick up… pick it up at year six?”
Kim: Why does Hermione… why… Hermi… Hermione. Hermione. Hermione. Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione. Hermi… well, everyone is having a time.
Kim: Hermione, no one in the entire history of Hogwarts has ever transferred in? How many times have you read that fuckin’ book?
Sequoia: I mean, it… there’s no chapter on that.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mhm, mhm.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “I’m starting in the sixth year. I have it all straightened out with the headmaster.” “That’s cool. Do you know what your… what house you’re in?” Stu…
Kim: Hermione.
Sequoia: Hermione! Hermione should know to… she shou… what she should be like, is like, what house do you hope you’ll be in?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: But no, it’s fine. “Yeah, I’m a Slytherin.” “Oh dear.”
Kim: Bye.
Sequoia: “I’m in Gryffindor.”
Kim: LOL bye.
Sequoia: LOL bye. No, she’s like “I’m in Gryffindor. Our houses are like mortal enemies,” Hermione said.
Kim: Who is Hermione today? Who… who is this person?
Sequoia: I… I kinda… I kinda think they’re all the same character.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, they are.
Sequoia: There’s only one character. It’s…
Kim: There’s… I think there’s been three characters.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Lucius.
Sequoia: Lucius.
Kim: The house elf/Billie Joe. And then all the children.
Sequoia: Zahnee, Lucius, and Billie Joe Armstrong.
Kim: No. Zahnee and Billie… same
Sequoia: No, they’re one, and all the children. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yep, that’s it.
Kim: Sing some more Green Day to us.
Sequoia: [singing nasally] Do you have the time! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, I’m crying! Whoo!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man.
Kim: Uh.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Gotta suck those tears back in.
Sequoia: Whew. “Oh, that doesn’t have to affect us being new friends, does it?” Kara asked warily.
Kim: It does. Bye.
Sequoia: Is what Hermione would say but…
Kim: No, it’s not.
Sequoia: …the children character says, “I hope not, but a lot of people would despise us just for being friends.”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: They would. They would despise them…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …for speaking to each other…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …in a civil manner.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “Well, they will just have to get used to it, won’t they?” Kara smiled.
Kim: Just Ron. Ron would be the only one who would be upset.
Sequoia: Ron would be like, [petulant tone] stupid Slytherins suck.
Kim: I mean, they are always singing that song.
Sequoia: They rea… okay, you know what? I… yeah, valid. They are very mean.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Hermione nodded and took a bite of her pasty. “Hey, I need to get an owl. Wanna come with me?” Hermione agreed and soon they were looking for an owl.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Kara fell in love with a deep midnight black screech owl with big yellow eyes that seemed to glow.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She bought it and a couple of other very necessary things like a pink and gray hairless sphynx…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …and a big black rat.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She’s gonna have three pets. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: One of them’s a sphynx.
Kim: Fi… wait, an actual sph…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No, sphinxes are…
Sequoia: No, she bought a pink and gray hairless sphynx.
Kim: Yeah but, sphinxes are a thing.
Sequoia: Yeah, she bought one.
Kim: And they… no, I don’t think you can just buy them. They seem like intelligent enough creatures that…
Sequoia: No, she went to the pet store, and she bought one.
Kim: Man, that would be a terrible pet to have.
Sequoia: She’s gotta have three pets.
Kim: The sphinxes in the Harry Potter books…
Sequoia: No, absolutely yeah.
Kim: Unless you’re really into riddles…
Sequoia: Actually, now that… the more we read this, the more I’m thinking that maybe they… maybe it’s based off Prisoner of Azkaban. We’re just going further back.
Kim: No, I think it… I think it is… it does seem like it’s pretty solidly based on…
Both: …Goblet of Fire
Sequoia: She named all three of them right there in the store.
Kim: The same name.
Sequoia: They’re all named Kara.
Kim: No, wait. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Kara Jr.
Kim: Is she gonna name them after the members of Green Day?
Sequoia: Oh my god. [singing nasally] Do you have the time!
Kim: Shit. [both laugh] [mumbles American Idiot under her breath]
Sequoia: She only knows one band. Woo. Owl: Crispin. Cat: Toby. Rat: Dinner.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She named her rat Dinner. Like, Crispin, Toby, Dinner.
Kim: What are those… what are those names?
Sequoia: [laughing] Crispin, Toby, Dinner. Those are the names.
Kim: Are those from a book?
Sequoia: No. Maybe. Maybe they are.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: I don’t think so. [laughing] They’re the names of the members of Green Day. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, Dinner the drummer.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Yeah, Crispin on bass.
Sequoia: Fucking shit. Woo. “I couldn’t help myself. They’re all so cute,” Kara whined to Hermione.
Kim: What the… Hermione doesn’t fuckin’ care.
Sequoia: Hermione’s like, yes.
Kim: Do whatever, you stupid moron.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. They stepped outside and bumped into Draco and his crew.
Kim: Oh, he got his… he found his boys.
Sequoia: I mean, are you…? Okay, this next line. I… when I was reading this fanfiction, this is when I decided…
Kim: Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: …that for sure this had to happen. I was crying. They stepped outside and bumped into Draco and his crew. “Ah, the mudblood, haven’t you died by now?” [both erupt with laughter]
Kim: [laughing] What? Draco!
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Haven’t you died by now?
Kim: Okay, here’s the thing. That’s so… such a weird coincidence. That’s what I say every time I see you.
Sequoia: [laughing] Exactly. What if I died…
Kim: Sequoia, what are you doing here?
Sequoia: I wrote this fanfiction. I travelled back in time, and I wrote this fanfiction. Oh my gosh. Draco said slyly. He got silent high fives from Crabbe and Goyle. What’s a silent high five?
Kim: Guhmm.
[long pause]
Sequoia: Did you hear that, listeners?
Kim: Wow, that was lame. That was lame. Woo.
Sequoia: Woo.
Kim: Visual bit.
Sequoia: “Excuse me!” Kara said loudly. “You can’t just talk to her like that. How dare you even?” Hermione stepped in front of her. “It’s okay. I’m used to it by now. I’ve had to deal with this for five years.” “Draco Malfoy, how could you torture this poor girl for five years! Just because her parents are non-magical doesn’t mean she’s less of a witch. What if it was you? Would you like to be made fun of? Huh?”
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: She didn’t wait for an answer.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: She said angrily. He huffed at her. [both huff]
Kim: You don’t even… you’ve never even… what’ve you even… you don’t even… she’s so annoying!
Sequoia: You… what if… I… did you… ‘cause what about…? Why isn’t she dead? “You shouldn’t be hanging out with Potter’s wittle girlfriend, sis.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Hermione froze. Kara froze.
Kim: What’s wrong with Draco today? Potter’s wittle girlfriend.
Sequoia: Just Potter’s wittle girlfriend.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: [cutesy voice] He’s a wittle… he’s a wittle, fluffy bunny.
Kim: Oh no. Is this that Draco?
Sequoia: The wittle, fluffy bunny. Hermione froze. Kara froze. Wide eyed, they turned and looked at each other. “You’re his sister!” Hermione screeched.
Kim: I mean, it happens.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sometimes you’re Draco’s sister.
Sequoia: Sometimes… sometimes, you’ve got siblings actually.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Happens.
Kim: It does happen.
Sequoia: “You’re Potter’s friend!” Kara screamed. I like how Kara has, like… just, like, she seems to be fine…
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: …except this thing where she hates Harry Potter.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, why? Like, what is the… why? Why?
Kim: I really don’t know.
Sequoia: Hermione looked at her in disbelief and stormed off.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Kara turned to Draco with an angry glare. His insides shrank. Sure. [laughs] “Better to find out now than later, right?”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Weird that Hermione would just, like… Kara just stuck up for Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, Hermione’s not one to, like…
Kim: I guess they’re all weird today.
Sequoia: They’re all weird today; whatever. She was like, you’re a Slytherin, but it’s fine. We can still be friends. You’re Draco Malfoy’s sister? Bye!
Kim: Bye. Eat my… [long pause]
Sequoia: [laughs] What the fuck, dude?
Kim: [laughing] No word came out.
Sequoia: Great. Woo. “Right?” Draco said in a small voice. He’d only known the girl for a little over twenty four hours, and he was already afraid of her.
Kim: [snorting] Why?
Sequoia: Because he’s this Draco. He’s this Draco. He’s this Draco.
Kim: She has not done anything frightening.
Sequoia: She played him loud music from a box that he didn’t know where the music was coming from and made his dad cry and found him in the kitchen. She’s very scary. She’s gonna take all his money. Kara…
Kim: I mean, that’s scary.
Sequoia: That is scary. Kara took a deep breath. “You have to go ruin my first friendship, didn’t ya? Whatever. I’m okay. I’m not mad. I won’t kill you this time, but, if it happens again, you will be dead in a matter of a fifth of a second. Agreed?”
Kim: Draco, you’re still alive?
Sequoia: You haven’t died by now? Kara turned her darklyness to an evil smile. I’m really into the darklyness thing. Draco didn’t hear what she said.
Kim: Wha… wha… wha... what was that sentence?
Sequoia: Kara turned her darklyness to an evil smile. She was being darkly.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then she smiled evilly.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, right?
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: Darklyness.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: Draco didn’t hear what she said. He just nodded. The end.
Kim: Oh, what?
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Draco wasn’t listening. End of story.
Sequoia: Yeah, so here’s the thing, guys.
Kim: That was really good.
Sequoia: I love that story.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: A lot.
Kim: Yeah
Sequoia: ‘Cause what the f… what the fuck? What the fuck even just happened? But here’s the thing. You know sometimes like with Hope Springs Eternal and with this story…
Kim: And Hermione Riddle
Sequoia: …and Hermione Riddle.
Kim: This story and Hermione Riddle were very similar.
Sequoia: Were very similar. We don’t always get an ending.
Kim: Past the summer.
Sequoia: Yeah, here’s the thing. Here’s the big bummer about this story. In the summary, the summary makes it sound like Ka… Kara Malfoy is going to fall in love with Harry Potter as well.
Kim: Of course she is.
Sequoia: And I’m just sad. I’m sad.
Kim: That’s why she has weird spicy takes about Harry, because she’s gonna fall in love with him.
Sequoia: Right. Anyway, we have decided… This is a good time to introduce this, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay, so we have decided to add a new segment to our show.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Because we read this stuff that is unfinished.
Kim: Mhm
Sequoia: And it’s so old, it’s never going to get finished. Abandoned fics. We would like to hear how you guys think that the story’s going to go.
Kim: Yeah. So, send us short blurbs.
Sequoia: Of how… of the… give us the summary of the rest of the story.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah,
Kim: Send it to us by email, and…
Sequoia: Mhm. Email them to us, and we’re going to start a new segment called hold for the end please.
Kim: That’s a good name.
Sequoia: Where we read the… the ends of these stories that you guys send to us.
Kim: Yep. Any of them. also.
Sequoia: Any… yeah, any story that we’ve done that was unfinished…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …in the history of the show and as we go in the forward in the show. So if you think you know the great way that Malfoy Chaos is going to go, then please email it to us. fanaticalfics.com… dot…
Kim: @gmail.com.
Sequoia: @gmail.com. That’s our website. [both laugh]
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: You can also find our email address on the website, but…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You didn’t get any points.
Kim: No, I did not.
Sequoia: You did not, but that’s fine.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: We’ll… we’ll both wallow in our zero points forever, and it’s okay. [both sigh] And now, it’s time for…
Both: …a quick fics!
Kim: I read a story where Sirius is super traumatized…
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no.
Kim: …because…
Sequoia: Oh no
Kim: …he…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …did it…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …with…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: …McGonagall…
Sequoia: Oh jeez!
Kim: …in their..
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: …animagus forms.
Sequoia: [yelling] No! Ugh! [normal volume] That’s disturbing on several levels.
Kim: So many levels.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: I’m disturbed, and now we’re all disturbed togeth…
Sequoia: What? Okay. Ye…
Kim: Look, I have to get these… I have to get these off my chest.
Sequoia: When we created this segment, it was not created as a vehicle for you to traumatize the listeners in the ways that you have been traumatized.
Kim: Right, but if I do it fast enough, it’s like I didn’t do it at all.
Sequoia: Great, quick fics is over, and now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: Okay so I… I… I teased this… this rec in our community Discord. Our Patreon Discord.
Kim: Yeah, you posted a sentence from it, and I was like, you’re reccing what?
Sequoia: Okay. So here’s the thing. I started this story, and I was like, maybe I’ll read this on the podcast, and the more I read the story, the more I was like, no, I just think I like this. Which, it kind of happens a lot.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: It is also unfinished…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …which is very sad, but…
Kim: I mean, most fanfic is… the vast majority of fanfic is unfinished.
Sequoia: Is unfinished, yeah. It’s… it’s a…iIt’s a story where… it starts out with Harry defeating Voldemort.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: And then there’s like a flash of light or whatever, and they’re transported into, like, an alternate timeline…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …where Harry is, like, the head of the Slytherin gang. It’s, like, Harry’s a Slytherin.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And it’s Harry, Draco, and Blaise are the three. And then…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And like everyone else is like pretty normal.
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: Like, they all pretty much act like they act…
Kim: So, we flash… the readers flash into this alternate timeline.
Sequoia: They don’t know they’re in an alternate timeline…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …at the beginning of it. They’re just like… they’re in an alternate timeline. Harry’s a Slytherin.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And Tom Riddle is the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Yeah. And they start having dreams of the original timeline.
Kim: Oh cool.
Sequoia: And it’s very cool, and I am very sad that it’s not finished, but I love the premise a lot and there’s some super funny lines in it.
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: And it like… yeah.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: I liked it a lot. I clicked on it because I was like, this is nuts.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then I was like, wow, this is cool.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I am excited to read that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The link to that, along with all the other links to all of our recommendations, is on our website.
Sequoia: Yeah, our website FanaticalFics.com also has our story submission form. Keep sending me that cat stuff. [Kim sighs] [Sequoia laughs] Also on our website, you can find some merch.
Kim: Yep, we got some stickers and posters there, but we also have merch on our TeePublic.
Sequoia: There’s…
Kim: There’s a lot more designs over there. They’re really cool, so check both of those out and… do that.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, @FanaticalFics. Do tweet at us.
Kim: Yep. Any longer thoughts, you can send ‘em to us by email at FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you want to help out the podcast, there’s a couple of ways you can do that.
Kim: Join the campaign. Email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: Join the campaign trail. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook. We’ll shout you out at the top of the episode.
Kim: Yes, we will. You can also join our Patreon. We just finished our livestream episode.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. It was so fun and so interactive and really a… really, really great. So we’ll be doing another one of those in November, but there’s all sorts of other bonus content that we’re doing over there and our community Discord.
Kim: So check that out. [long pause] [Sequoia whispers something] Oh, thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our amazing theme song. It’s Wolfstar.
Both: Bye.
Sequoia: [singing nasally] Do you have the time! [laughing] To li… [both laugh]
Kim: [singing nasally] To listen…
Both: [singing nasally] …to me whine. [both laugh]