Episode 56: Hermione Riddle (LIVE @ Quarters Arcade Bar)
This episode was recorded live at Quarters Arcade Bar in downtown Salt Lake City, UT. We did a live show?! Are we totally insane?! … Well, yeah. But also it was totally worth it and lots of fun.
Go listen to Sequoia on MuggleCast #433!
https://www.mugglecast.com/episode-433-gettin-figgy-ootp-chapter-1-dudley-demented/
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jessica
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
[audience chattering]
Kim: Everyone's looking at us. Does this mean that…?
Sequoia: It’s ‘cause we can't... we can't just keep turning our microphones on and off.
Kim: Is it…?
Sequoia: ‘Cause we’re disrupting the live...
Kim: No, but is it... is it time?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Are there drinks happening still?
Sequoia: There’s still drinks happening!
Kim: Oh fuck!
Sequoia: Let the people... let the people get their drinks!
Kim: Let the people get their drinks.
Both: [screaming] Tip your bartender!
Sequoia: [pause] What if the whole beginning of the show, just the first like half an hour, is just us screaming to tip your bartender?
Kim: That’s stupid.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hi, everyone.
Kim: Before we get started today, we thought we would give a little introduction because what follows is not normal.
Sequoia: It is not. We did a live show. It was nuts!
Kim: It was fucking nuts.
Sequoia: I'm very proud of it. It was... it was a really fun time.
Kim: Yeah, we did it for Sequoia's birthday…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: ...a little bit ago, and I'm really... I'm just really excited that we're... you're gonna get to listen to it at all.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're excited that the audio turned out so…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But first, there was a couple things that we didn't get to because we were in the live setting, yada yada, yada, so…
Kim: And then we also didn't get to last episode, because we were supposed to record the intro to the last episode the morning after we recorded this live show, and I was so hungover I thought I was dead. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I really think we're... we’re givin’ off a… the impression that we drink a lot?
Kim: Uhhh…
Sequoia: And we don't!
Kim: No we don't, it's just that…
Sequoia: When we do…
Kim: ...we drink a lot the night before we’re supposed to record, [Sequoia laughs] like, consistently.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just then. [Kim chuckles] Okay, so before we actually get to anything else, though, we got something that I got... we got something going on. Today. As this is coming...
Kim: You say “we…”
Sequoia: I mean I have something going on. As this episode comes out today, I am also on MuggleCast!
Kim: Yes you are.
Sequoia: Today!
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: So you should go listen to that. When you're done listening to this, head over.
Kim: You're doin’, what, you're doin’ the first episode... they're doing a reread...?
Sequoia: They’re doing a reread right now, so I'm doing chapter one of Order of the Phoenix.
Kim: That seems like a good place to jump in. Why not?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's... yeah. [laughs] Yeah. Do it. Go over there. And then, like, alternatively, maybe you came...
Both: Here?
Sequoia: From there?
Kim: I'm not sure. So we talked about this, we're not super sure that this is the best place to start this. What we're gonna get into. It's a live episode, it's a little different from our normal format.
Sequoia: Yeah, so maybe if you came here from MuggleCast today...
Kim: We have a couple suggestions of maybe good places to start.
Sequoia: Yeah, if you're looking for some, like, very classic fanfictiony tropes and want to start with a relatively recent episode, we would start with Pocket Change.
Kim: But if you're more of a completionist kid, because we are the callback queens…
Sequoia: We are the callback queens. [laughs]
Kim: Start at episode two.
Sequoia: Yeah, The Veela’s Nest. All right! Also, we're doing a live stream on Patreon on the twenty first, so we will be live streaming an episode.
Kim: It's gonna be something.
Sequoia: It's gonna be somethin’. You'll be able to interact with it. It'll be really fun. If you sign up for Patreon by the twenty first...
Kim: At the $7 tier.
Sequoia: ...at the $7 or $10 tier, you will be able to access that live stream.
Kim: Yup, come look at us.
Sequoia: Come look at us, bleh.
Kim: We're excited to see all of our patrons. [pause] I guess we won't be able to see them, but they'll be able to see…
Sequoia: They’ll be able… they’ll be able to see us.
Kim: Mhm. You know, I'm glad that I don't have to see people this next time. [Sequoia laughs] This was hard. This... this... this was hard.
Sequoia: So a couple of quick shout outs we wanna get to. We would like to shout out our fan Sam, who sent us this Draco fanart, you guys. You GUYS.
Kim: It's... looking at me.
Sequoia: It’s looking at both of us? [laughs]
Kim: It's looking into my soul and it’s making me uncomfortable? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, they sent us that along with a little birthday card, which was like, very, very nice.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: We love it. It’ll… that fanart is on our Instagram. Go check our Instagram. We love it. We love it. We also wanted to shout out to Rachel and Emily!
Kim: [snorts] Oh, yeah, we did! [Sequoia laughs] They sent us a video of them dancing to our theme song which was just so adorable and sweet.
Sequoia: It was so cute! I loved it! I watched it like five times.
Kim: Yeah, that checks out.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] So thanks to Rachel and Emily for dancing to our theme song. We wanted to shout out to the four separate people who sent us Ricardo fanart!
Kim: Yesss.
Sequoia: Do not encourage me!
Kim: They're all amazing. They're all so good, you guys killed it. We've posted those.
Sequoia: On Instagram as well.
Kim: So check that out.
Sequoia: Yeah, go check those out. I love it. Ricardo with the wiggling eyebrows. It just is so good. And I'm gonna... now I... now I ask for stuff!
Kim: I mean, you ask for stuff all the time.
Sequoia: I know I do. You got a correction!
Kim: I did. I've read so much fanfiction that my brain has melted, I think?
Sequoia: Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Kim: I had it… I had it in my brain that Blaise was specifically mentioned by name in Order of the Phoenix and he is not.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: So my apologies to that author of... what the fuck was that story?
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: The author of that story with Blaise in it that we just did.
Sequoia: Hope Springs Eternal. Thank you.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: All right. [chuckles] And last but certainly not least, in a nutso turn of events…
Kim: Hoo, wowie zowie. [Sequoia chuckles] So I was saying right before we recorded this live episode that you guys are about to listen to, that I was like, Sequoia, this is one of the most nuts things I've ever done. But it's only going to be one of the most nuts things I've ever done for like two months, because...
Sequoia: Because we are doing a presentation at LeakyCon Boston on crack fanfic!
Kim: [laughs] Ohhhhh my god. They are…
Both: ...letting us do that!
Sequoia: We described it as a comedic lecture that was not suitable for children.
Kim: And they're like...
Sequoia: And they’re like, sure! [laughs]
Kim: ...yeah, sure! Do that! Oh, wow.
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: So to all of you, any of you, all of you...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Come to LeakyCon Boston, if you are able, and see us. Do that!
Sequoia: Our panel’s on a... on Saturday.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So you…
Kim: Saturday evening.
Sequoia: Saturday eveningish. You can...
Kim: It’s like 4:30, I think? 4:30-5:30, is what they have us scheduled for?
Sequoia: Yeah. currently. And that schedule might change.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But it'll probably stay relatively the same.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: We’ll still be on that same day, more than likely. You can... there are day passes available. If you just wanna go.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But do come say hi to us. We wanna meet you.
Sequoia: Yeah! If you’re there, we'd like to say hi.
Kim: Yup, we'll be hanging out the entire con too, so… chillin’.
Sequoia: Just....
Kim: Come find us.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] Anyway, we're really excited to present for you our live episode of the podcast! [Kim splutters] Thanks to all of our friends and family that came out. It was a ton of fun, and we hope that you enjoy it!
Kim: Happy birthday, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Thanks!
[live section begins]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone!
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. [Kim laughs] Yeahhh! [audience cheers] It's my birthday.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: It's my birthday. And we are doing our show live from Quarters Arcade Bar in downtown Salt Lake City today. [audience woots] Yeah, shouts to Quarters Arcade Bar! [audience cheers] Yeaaah, I love that.
Kim: Man, every… every time the screaming starts I think I like, clench up a little bit. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, it's fine. [cheers from the audience] [both laugh] Yeah, I think that means scream more, is I think what that means. [Kim fake cries] Definitely what that means.
Kim: It’s fine. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine...
Sequoia: I can see this... it’s fine.
Kim: ...it’s fine, it’s fine. It's a podcast! A live podcast episode about...
Both: ...Harry Potter fan fiction!! [audience cheers]
Sequoia: Wooooo!
Kim: What are you guys doing here!? [Sequoia laughs] Don't you know it's Friday night?
Sequoia: There's... there's a couple of shouts... there’s a couple of shouts I'd like to do to the audience today.
Kim: I mean, I guess so.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: It is your fuckin’ whatever birthday shit fuck!
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, wow, we're getting into it early! [audience laughs] [Kim laughs] It’s my birthday shit fuck or something like that. And I would like to shout to our... one of our very first and most dedicated listeners, and one of my closest Harry Potter friends, Harrison, who came here from Boise. [audience cheers]
Kim: Hi Harrison!
Sequoia: And also we've got some Salt Lake City Lady Pod Squad people here today!
Kim: What? Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Fellow podcasters.
Sequoia: Some fellow podcasters in the building. We've got She's So Cool over here. [audience cheers] Whoo! Yeah. [chuckles] We've also got Cutscenes and Cupcakes.
Kim: Yeah. [audience cheers]
Sequoia: We also have the Womansplaining podcast. [audience cheers]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then, last but certainly not least, our fellow Harry Potter podcast, The Elixir of Life. [audience cheers] Yeah!
Kim: What up? What up?
Sequoia: So shouts to all those people for being here. That's really cool.
Kim: I'd like to shout out to Sequoia's family? [audience cheers] [Sequoia laughs] It’s super not weird…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...looking at your mom or grandma while I read fanfiction! Thanks!
Sequoia: [laughs] I just like... you know, for the listeners who aren't here, my mom's wearing her Dramione, Drarry, Dron, Drinny t-shirt.
Kim: That does help.
Sequoia: And my grandma's wearing, like, a full Gryffindor robe. [audience cheers]
Kim: Yup. Yup. It helps. It helps.
Sequoia: And like, it’s my family. Shouts to my family.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is weird.
Sequoia: What cool people.
Kim: You know, people don't usually look at me this much when I do this thing that I do. [audience and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: We are alone in the spare bedroom. [Kim laughs] It's just me and you. Welcome to the spare bedroom podcast.
Kim: And... and you’re not allowed to look at me.
Sequoia: That's true. I do get yelled at often. Don’t look at me! [Kim laughs] Also, so my sister's here from Portland. [audience cheers]
Kim: Hi, Chloe.
Audience member: [booming] Chloe, Chloe, Chloe! [both hosts laugh]
Sequoia: You would know her, listeners, from our episode The Tongue is an Excellent Aid in CPR.
Kim: That is what we did.
Sequoia: And so [chuckles] here's the thing. Me and my sister went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Okay. We went to Orlando. We went...
Kim: You’re touching me. Your arm is touching me. I can’t handle this.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I'm sorry! We're very close together today. So we went, and we stood in line for Hagrid’s Magical Motorbike Fun Times Adventurous Wonderful Fantastic whatever. It's like the longest ride name in the history of ride names. And we stood in that line for five hours, you guys. [audience murmurs and someone cheers] We stood in that line for five hours.
Kim: I don’t think there's anything that I would stand in line for for longer than like twenty minutes. [Sequoia laughs] Just saying.
Sequoia: I mean, have you... have you ever been to Disneyland? No line is shorter than twenty minutes, except for Pirates of the Caribbean.
Kim: I don’t stand in the line, I just roll around on the ground, whining.
Sequoia: Right, okay, good. [chuckles] That's not standing, I guess.
Kim: Duh!
Sequoia: That's fine. But Hannah did suggest to us... I believe it was Hannah. Suggested to us that we... I… I just start playing podcast episodes really loud in the line and trick everyone around us. The problem was that they were just like children, everywhere.
Kim: Children. Yeah, no, this podcast… podcast!
Sequoia: This is not suitable for children. [laughs]
Kim: Not… there… there is not one episode where I don't scream something bad!
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah, yeah. It's not suitable for children, or else... or else that... I would have done it. I would have done it.
Kim: Jesus! Jesus...
Both: ...fuuucking Christ!
Sequoia: Here we are. [audience cheers and applauds] So I just… [laughing] Trick the Children 2019. No!
Kim: Please no.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Okay, so we're... you know, usually we do a bunch of shit at the top. But here we are live, so I guess here we're just gonna read fanfiction now. I just wanted to tell that story.
Kim: You guys... you guys all have your predictions in for this story. Sequoia’s gonna make a couple predictions now. Stop looking!
Sequoia: I... you keep... it's in front of me! I dunno what you expect me to do!
Kim: We don’t usually sit this close together. I'm very uncomfortable.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, tell me… okay. So it is Hermione Riddle.
Kim: The story name is Hermione Riddle.
Sequoia: Right. Which gives it away right up at the top.
Kim: Which does, A BIT, give it away.
Sequoia: Yup, that gives it away right up at the top. That’s fine.
Kim: And the actual story on fanfiction.net did not have genre tags, so I genre tagged it myself.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Drama and romance.
Sequoia: Excellent! [audience ooohs]
Kim: So, Sequoia, gimme three predictions, my dude.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This is the part where we usually edit this out so this is gonna… unless you...
Sequoia: This might take a second.
Kim: Unless you had time to think about it.
Sequoia: I mean here’s the thing… I... I…
Kim: I mean, I put that on the board two hours ago.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing though, is I haven't thought about it, so... [Kim snorts] [audience laughs] but people have been showing me their predictions.
Kim: Their predictions. Are you gonna steal some?
Sequoia: And I might steal some [shouts from the audience] just ‘cause people are doing such a good...
Kim: Oh, did I…?
Sequoia: Are we getting booed? [audience boos]
Kim: Boo more! Your boos sustain me!
Sequoia: [laughs] I feel like this is... it’s like a rite of passage, to be booed…
Kim: Uh huh, uh huh.
Sequoia: So I actually feel really good about it.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Thank you, Sarah. [audience laughs]
Kim: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, here's the thing. Hermione needs to be aged up…
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: ...for this fic, I think? So I'm gonna say, um, that she time travels in order for the ages to become more acceptable.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: I'm gonna... oh, what is that? Are you...? You were making a face to people THIS way, so that I couldn’t see it!
Kim: I... I… look, I don’t wanna look at you!
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: It makes me uncomfortable.
Sequoia: I am going to say that, uh… in this story, for some reason, Hermione is masquerading as a Slytherin.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I'm gonna say that in this story... um... whoo… this is a... this is a hard one. ‘Kay, I'm gonna go ahead and say that… um… [pause] Oh no! Oh no!
Kim: Anything.
Sequoia: Everyone’s looking at me!
Kim: Guess the pairing, man!
Sequoia: I… can I? No, I can’t guess the pairing.
Kim: You can guess… I think you can guess the pairing.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: Because it seems like you're well off track.
Sequoia: Oh it does? I... okay, I can't tell if you're fucking with me or not. Okay, so this is gonna be a Hermione Granger/Tom Riddle. And I'm wrong because you're doin’ a thing. You let me...
Kim: Let’s get into this shit!
Sequoia: The fact that you let me do that… [audience cheers and applauds] here we go. It's time for fanfiction. I'm gonna take a sip of my drink.
Kim: Okay. Hermione Riddle. [Sequoia scoffs] Chapter one. This is a chapter fic, by the way!
Sequoia: Oh good!
Kim: I edited this sucker down from over four thousand words.
Sequoia: Here we go!
Kim: So, here we go! Hermione Granger woke up to her sixteenth birthday. [audience cheers]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Audience member: Already wrong!
Kim: I went with a theme for my search.
Sequoia: I liked it! Aw, it was…
Both: ...her birthday! [audience cheers and applauds]
Sequoia: Very cute, very cute!
Kim: Oh. She hoped today was going to be good. But then she came face to face with Lucius Malfoy at the bottom of her staircase.
Sequoia: In her house!?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: What’s Lucius Malfoy doing in her house?
Kim: I mean, they're not magic. What's keeping anyone out of Hermione’s house? [Sequoia laughs] Fucking nothing.
Sequoia: That's true. That's very true. Okay, what's he doing there?
Kim: Hermione’s first words on her sixteenth birthday were “Eep!” [audience laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] That's not words, that's one utterance. That’s not words.
Kim: Yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. As she was Apparated out of her house and into a beautifully furnished bedroom. [audience heckles suggestively]
Sequoia: What is happening? I don't like it already!
Kim: Oh, whoops.
Sequoia: It's my birthday, what did you do!?
Kim: As she looked around, Hermione wondered why she was here and why she wasn't dead already. [Sequoia cracks up] Maybe they wanted to torture her first?
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Got dark, it got dark, I’m sorry, dudes.
Sequoia: Yeah, that got dark.
Kim: That got really dark really fast.
Sequoia: It’s my birthday! [laughs]
Kim: It’s her birthday! Aren’t you supposed to have fun on your birthday?
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Lucius spoke before she could ask any questions. [whiny drawl] “I know many of our…”
Sequoia: [laughs] You’re doin’ the Draco Malfoy voice for Lucius Malfoy?
Kim: Yeah? I mean…
Sequoia: That’s fine. I mean he learned it from someone.
Kim: I guess I… maybe I’ll... [deeper drawl] “I know many of our colleagues…”
Sequoia: Oh, it’s deeper now! [both laugh]
Kim: Is that better? That better? “...may have been cruel to you, but I hope you will accept our utmost apologies. It seems you were misplaced as a child and adopted by Muggles.”
Sequoia: No. No. [laughs] No.
Kim: Look what happened to the girl! Misplaced, we dropped her. Whoops!
Sequoia: [laughs] Misplaced?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whoops! Where did she go? I don’t know.
Sequoia: Maybe she got switched with another baby.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: That's my favorite.
Kim: Just... just... just, whoops, where'd she go?
Sequoia: Just, whoops, where’d she go? Excellent. So who does she actually belong to?
Kim: He practically spat the word “Muggles” out.
Sequoia: Oh no! So she...
Kim: Did you get it? Did you get it? Come on, dude!
Sequoia: Now I get it! Goddamnit!
Kim: Come on! Come on!
Sequoia: You said romance/drama though, so I assumed that it was gonna be… the pairing.
Kim: I mean there is romance.
Sequoia: But it's not. She's his daughter.
Kim: There’s romance.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: [getting higher pitched] There is romance! There’s romance! There’s romance!
Sequoia: Fuckin’ fine! [audience member says something]
Kim: Always gross. Thank you. He practically spat the word “Muggles” out, as if he had swallowed a booger flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavour bean.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Yeah? You like that?
Sequoia: Yeah. Nice.
Kim: That’s good. Valid. Hermione was at a loss for words. “B-b-b-b-but...” Can I hit the plosives a little harder? Jesus fucking Christ.
Sequoia: Yeah, if you could get those in there for me to deal with later.
Kim: [high-pitched] “B-b-b-b-b-but!”
Sequoia: That'd be great.
Kim: [still high pitched] “Mr. M-M-Malfoy. I… I wasn't adopted! I… I’m a G-G-Granger!” [Sequoia laughs] “Nonsense, dear child, you would be dead before I let a Muggle into our home.”
Sequoia: I mean... [chuckles] yeah! Yeah! Right?
Kim: They would murder her. Because Death Eaters fuckin’ suck.
Sequoia: He brought her into his home.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. So clearly she's a pureblood.
Kim: Or… oh no. Is she…? [sputters questioningly]
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. Oh, no.
Kim: “Your real father will be here shortly.”
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: “You should get dressed in some decent clothes,” Lucius said, looking...
Sequoia: She just woke up!
Kim: Looking pointedly at the wardrobe.
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: “This will be your room. Your wardrobe has been chosen by one of your father's servants.”
Sequoia: So she just got kidnapped.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She just got kidnapped and now they're like, this is your room, you're going to live here?
Kim: Which servant picked out her wardrobe?
Sequoia: Bellatrix Lestrange. [both laugh] [a shout from the audience] Yes!
Kim: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. I was picturing Wormtail…
Sequoia: Wormtail!
Kim: ...doing it like, oh no, sixteen year old girl, what? Oh no!
Sequoia: Ooh, are we gonna get a description of clothes?
Kim: Maybe!
Sequoia: [groaning] YESSSS! [audience cheers]
Kim: “Please be ready in fifteen minutes.” With that, Lucius walked out. Hermione’s mouth hung open. Adopted? Her? [Sequoia laughs] Well, she would make the most of it!
Sequoia: What!? [everyone laughs] I mean, I would say yeah, she's super rich now, except that like both her parents are dentists. So she was probably already really well off?
Kim: Probably, yeah.
Sequoia: So like, what is the upgrade here?
Kim: She’s gonna make the most of it!
Sequoia: Okay, fine, fine!
Kim: Wizard rich! [laughs] Oh man. She ran to the wardrobe, her bushy hair bouncing. She chose a formal robe of silver.
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: Once…
Sequoia: A formal robe?
Kim: I dunno what that fucking means, dude. I don’t...
Sequoia: It’s, like, nine am.
Kim: Yeah, right, nine am? Maybe she slept in.
Sequoia: Get out your silver...
Kim: You know what it is, it's her sixteenth birthday. Maybe she went hard and woke up at like...
Sequoia: It’s four pm. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, fine. Once she was dressed, she looked in the mirror. Who could her father be?
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: She thought she looked like the Grangers.
Sequoia: She's gotta be... she's smarter than this.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: She’s really not today.
Sequoia: All right, fine.
Kim: Today’s a bad day. Her thoughts were interrupted by a drawl. [whiny drawl] “Finished yet?” She whirled around to see Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: Yesss!! [audience cheers] He’s heeere!
Kim: Ma boy! [Sequoia chuckles] Fuck Draco, man. [Sequoia laughs again] “What the hell is happening, Malfoy?” “Youuur faaather's waiting.” [Sequoia and audience explode with laughter]
Sequoia: Very good, very good, very good!
Kim: “If I were you, I wouldn't keep him. He's known to have quite an evil temper.”
Sequoia: She wouldn't... that... she shouldn't keep him.
Kim: Yeah? Keep him waiting.
Sequoia: She should just go back. Oh, keep him waiting.
Kim: Keep him waiting!
Sequoia: Right. He's waiting for her.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: And he sent Draco to go get her?
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: I like how she was like, I'm gonna make the most of this! And then Draco showed up and she was like, [aggressively] hey, fuck you. Why am I here? What's going on?
Kim: [laughs] Hermione is NUTS today.
Sequoia: Just, like, it didn't occur to her that Draco Malfoy was there in his own home.
Kim: In his own house! [laughs] Yeah, all right, all right. Yeah, that's true. Hermione glared at Draco, then followed him to a dining room.
Sequoia: [snorts] She’s gonna make the most of it.
Kim: [audience member says something] A dining room.
Sequoia: A dining room.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: In a mansion!
Kim: Voldemort was at the head of a large table, grinning. [pause]
Audience member: Ew.
Kim: And here we go. I'm gonna do a new Voldemort voice, my dudes.
Sequoia: Oh nooo!
Kim: And I apologize profusely in advance.
Sequoia: Oh good!
Kim: [high pitched voice with a vaguely Germanic accent] “Hermione! Back at last! First things first, let’s remove zhose stupid spells!” [audience laughs]
Sequoia: [squeals with laughter] What is that!?
Kim: My Voldemort voice.
Sequoia: Is that supposed to be German!?
Kim: It's WHATEVER!
Sequoia: Did you…?
Kim: Let me do this!
Sequoia: [laughs] Apologies to…
Kim: Everyone!
Sequoia: ...Germany, our third highest listening country!
Kim: Everyone who has to listen to my shit! [Sequoia laughs, Kim sighs] Voldemort cast a spell and Hermione felt different. What's changed about Hermione?
Sequoia: Oh no. Wait, what did he just… Well, you were doing an accent and…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I didn't really hear what you said [laughs]
Kim: “First things first, let’s remove zhose stupid spells!”
Sequoia: Those stupid spells. Okay.
Kim: Voldemort cast a spell, and Hermione felt different.
Sequoia: Ooh! She looks like him now.
Kim: She felt her now smooth black hair and gasped.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It had a purple tinge!
Sequoia: It… oooh! Naturally purple.
Kim: Naturally purple!
Sequoia: I like it!
Kim: [valley girl voice] Oh my gosh. If Hermione’s gonna get hot, she has to get better hair.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: What kind of ugly person has curly hair?
Sequoia: Has frizzy, curly hair? [audience member shouts something] [Kim and Sequoia laugh] “Went to Malfoy Manor, came back hot,” was the comment from the audience. Thank you. I love it.
Kim: She looked down and thought, “God am I HOT!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Did you get me Dramione for my birthday?
Kim: I dunno, did I?
Sequoia: Aaah!! [laughs] You definitely did. Thanks.
Kim: “I'll explain,” Voldemort said. [everyone laughs] I don’t know if I can…
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, I hate it a lot!
Kim: There's a lot of Voldemort exposition in this.
Sequoia: So you chose that. To do a lot.
Kim: I have made a choice! “A few weeks after you were born [Sequoia laughs] your mother was killed by a prat named James Potter.”
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It deepens.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, Ja... that fuckin’ fuck!
Sequoia: [laughs] James Potter, really hate that guy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “I loved your mother very dearly. She helped me to get to the height of my power. So I took it upon myself to kill Potter and his family.”
Sequoia: Oh, so there's no prophecy in this universe?
Kim: Uhhh. Oh, did I tell you guys? I fucking forgot to tell all of you people…
Sequoia: When it was written.
Kim: It was post Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: Unclear if this person has read it though. [laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, okay. Yeah.
Kim: As per usual.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Has anyone read any of the books though? Uhhh…
Sequoia: Not me!
Kim: Whaaat? We haven't read the books.
Sequoia: We have not read the books, no we haven’t.
Kim: Only fanfiction.
Sequoia: Fanfiction is canon.
Kim: [laughs] “I took it upon myself to kill Potter and his family. But you know what happened there.”
Sequoia: Your accent has become different. [laughs]
Kim: Thanks. It’s... it’s…
Sequoia: It’s morphing.
Kim: It's whatever I'm doing! “After I had no body, you were taken away and put into a disgusting Muggle home.”
Sequoia: Mmmm.
Kim: I like how he’s just like...
Sequoia: That’s not misplaced.
Kim: ...you know, that time when I had no body? [Sequoia laughs] Whateverrr.
Sequoia: It was just... yeah, he was floating around.
Kim: Just a little whatever, had no body. And then they took you away from me for some reason, even though, you know?
Sequoia: That's... that’s not misplaced.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No, that's not how misplacing...
Kim: Somebody…
Sequoia: Somebody PLACED…
Kim: It was Dumbledore.
Sequoia: Intentionally.
Kim: Let’s be real.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I mean, it’s not...
Sequoia: It was Dumbledore, to take her away and make sure that she grew up…
Kim: Normal.
Sequoia: ...to be not an asshole. Yeah.
Kim: Whoo, well we'll see about that not an asshole thing.
Sequoia: [groaning] Oh nooo. Yes. I'm ready.
Kim: “Now, with me back in the evil saddle…” And then it says... there's an asterisk and it says, *cackles evil style*?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes, cackle evil style!
Kim: Ahhahahahahahah!
Sequoia: [laughs] That was not good.
Kim: “You’ve been returned to me! As a welcome home present I will give you this!”
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: With a flourish, Voldemort pulled out a badge saying Support Voldemort Number One. [Sequoia and audience laugh] Which... which may be my favorite part of this stupid fuckin fanfiction.
Sequoia: Support Voldemort Number One?
Kim: Yeah, her birthday-present-and-thanks-for-coming-back-to-me-my dearly-missed-daughter is a badge.
Sequoia: Is it a badge? Does that mean that…
Kim: Like a... like a…
Sequoia: ...she’s the number one Voldemort supporter, or is it like, support Voldemort!
Both: He's number one!
Kim: It’s that.
Sequoia: Ohh, okay.
Kim: Undoubtedly. [Sequoia laughs] It's like a little cheap button. You know, like from the fifty cent bin, from Hot Topic.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah?
Sequoia: We do need that merch. I'm into it.
Kim: “Now you will stuff yourself with yummy food and then we will have a nice chat.” [audience laughs] “And then...” [starts cry laughing]
Sequoia: [laughing crying] I hate this a lot.
Kim: Oh god, here comes the tears!
Sequoia: Here it comes! Here she comes!
Kim: [sniffs and clears her throat] “And zen we will have a nice chat.” There's the German again. It's back.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, there we go. He did a good cry to get it back.
Kim; He needed a reset.
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: He clapped his hands and house elves came out with food.
Sequoia: Mm hmm.
Kim: Do you think Hermione’s bothered by there being house elves?
Sequoia: Not any more.
Kim: Nah!! She’s making the most of it!
Sequoia: She has purple hair now! [both laugh]
Kim: Hermione started to eat. She was shocked, and wasn't sure what to do. Chapter two.
Sequoia: Then leave! You leave!
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I don't know... I don't know what the dilemma is here. You're like, well, I guess I'm Voldemort's number one supporter now. Voldemort’s number one.
Kim: The badge says it. I guess this is true.
Sequoia: The badge says so.
Kim: They can't make badges…
Both: ...without it being true.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: After dinner, they went into a room with two green leather couches and a fire with green tipped flames. These guys really like Slytherin, yo.
Sequoia: Yeah, Slytherin! Shouts to my Slytherins! [a few audience members cheer] Yeah, we do not support Voldemort. He is not number one.
Kim: Voldemort number one!
Sequoia: I would just like to put that out there. [laughs] [audience heckles]
Kim: Voldemort cleared his throat. “This must be very shocking to you.”
Sequoia: [squeals with laughter] Every time!
Kim: “This must be very shocking to you.” Now you guys can see why I’m looking at her.
Sequoia: I just wanna know why you made that choice.
Kim: Lookin’ at ya.
Sequoia: Yeah, don’t...
Kim: [intensely German] “This must be very shocking to you.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Don't look at me while you do it!
Kim: “What with you being Potter’s friend and all.”
Sequoia: Yeah, it should be shocking.
Kim: I mean it is shocking. “I apologize for letting you believe you were a filthy mudblood, and I will personally see to it that Draco Malfoy apologizes. We cannot have…”
Sequoia: Apologizes and then makes out with you. Is that what this story is? [laughs]
Kim: I ‘unno, is it? I ‘unno. [audience “oohs” suggestively]
Sequoia: That's exactly what it is. I guessed it. No points for Sequoia, though. [audience laughs] No, that's not where this is going. Oh no.
Kim: “We cannot have young Lady Riddle ridiculed.” Eh, eh?
Sequoia: Ah, RIDICULED. Get it? Get it? [audience groans] The audience loves that joke, man. You can hear it...
Kim: Oh man, oh man, oh man. Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: ...in all of the response of the room. They're very into it.
Kim: Look, this story is hilarious and you guys just don't even know. [Sequoia chortles] “I'm sorry to say I don't have much time to spare, what with my evil plan to take over the world and kill all Muggles.”
Sequoia: Everybody knows about your evil plan, Tom. [Kim laughs] Everyone's aware. You've made it very clear.
Kim: He's just apologizing up front for being absent.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Because he's busy.
Sequoia: He's... he... listen.
Kim: Killing all Muggles.
Sequoia: I mean... I mean… [pause]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She should leave, right? [both laugh] I mean...
Kim: She’s…
Sequoia: She hasn't left already. This is the time. This is the time to leave.
Kim: She’s makin’ the most of it. [Sequoia laughs] “You will spend the summer here and then travel to Hogwarts, where you will be resorted into Slytherin and join your inherited servants.”
Audience member: Oh, boy!
Sequoia: Wait! Wait!
Kim: What. You have questions?
Sequoia: Did... resorted into Slytherin?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Didn’t I say...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: ...that she was gonna be in Slytherin?
Kim: You said she was gonna be masquerading as a Slytherin!
Sequoia: Aw, dang it! [audience laughs] I was so close!
Kim: Got ‘em!
Sequoia: I was so close!! I’m crying, it’s fine.
Audience member: But you finally remembered your prediction! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: That was good. That was... yeah. I feel that.
Kim: Ooh, got us!
Sequoia: You got me.
Kim: Ouch! Burned. He stood and held his hand out. “I'll take you back to your room. You haven't seen yourself and how beautiful you really are.”
Sequoia: Wow, rude. That’s not okay.
Kim: Oh, sorry. “How beautiful you REALLY are.” Is that... is that better?
Sequoia: Is that better?
Kim: Is that where he hits it?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It's still terrible. Yes. [laughing] Voldemort.
Kim: He dragged her out of the room. When they got to her door, Voldemort gave her a little shove! Then… [audience laughs]
Audience member: Oh no!
Both: Weird.
Kim: Then backed out with a, “Goodnight sweet Mione!”
Sequoia: Did he... noooooo! [audience groans]
Kim: Yesssss! Your screams! Give them to meee!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: Hermione… I need a drink, I need a drink. Gimme a second.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no. At least it wasn't Herms. I'm just saying. It could have been worse.
Kim: Wooo. Hermione basically flung herself at the mirror.
Sequoia: She’s like... ‘cause she…. earlier when she felt her hair, she was like, am I hot now? Right?
Kim: I think she... she was pretty sure at that point.
Sequoia: So now she's gotta check.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: To double check.
Kim: When she locked eyes onto herself, she gasped.
Sequoia: Ooh! [laughs]
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: She had a figure that oozed power and confidence.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Pouty, blood red lips.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: A perfect nose.
Sequoia: No, that's not anything.
Kim: The strangest eyes…
Sequoia: That’s really not anything!
Kim: ...she’d ever seen! Blue that changed to gray and green.
Sequoia: Ooh! Oh!
Audience member: Wow!
Sequoia: Those are [haltingly] strange.
Kim: What does that meeean? [laughs]
Sequoia: She’s looking in the mirror and they're just flashing like strobe lights.
Kim: [laughs] And, of course, black silky tresses with a purple tinge that rolled down her back in sleek, smooth strands.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Never gonna have to straighten her hair again.
Sequoia: Ever again. I wish I had that natural purple.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, don't we all?
Both: Don't we all? [audience member says something, Kim and Sequoia chuckle]
Kim: Hermione jumped into some silk and... silk black and green PJs, then crawled into… [audience laughs]
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: Just leaning…
Sequoia: So Slytherin.
Kim: Did you know? Slytherin? [Sequoia laughs] And crawled into bed, still shocked. It had been a very weird sixteenth birthday!
Sequoia: So strange! [Kim laughs] Almost as strange as her eyes!
Kim: As she was drifting off to sleep, her door banged open, revealing Malfoy.
Sequoia: [singsong voice] Draco Malfoy! He’s here!
Kim: “Malfoy!”
Sequoia: He’s hot now, too!
Kim: “Malfoy! I’m TRYING to sleep!” [whiny drawl] “Well, I’m bored!”
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s not a good move, Draco!
Kim: “And seeing as you're not as filthy as I thought [audience boos and protests] I've decided to be your friend.”
Sequoia: Oh, your…
Both: ...friiieeennnnnd.
Kim: I guess you're not as nasty as I thought.
Sequoia: Sooo gross!
Kim: So I GUESS we can hang out and maybe make out a little.
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s really into the natural purple! And the weird strobe eyes!
Kim: Who wouldn't be, am I right?
Sequoia: Who wouldn’t be? I think that’d really be really hard to make prolonged eye contact with though, right?
Kim: If they were like constantly flashing at you?
Sequoia: Yeah. [pause] Don't... don't look at me! [laughs]
Kim: I'm trying really hard to flash my eyes at you!
Sequoia: [laughs] It's working! For the listeners at home, strobe effect is... oh, stop doing that! [Kim chuckles] It’s like Ricardo over here, with the eye wiggle… eyebrow wiggling.
Kim: Whoo! Ahem. Where was I?
Sequoia: I dunno. You were... Draco just said some shit. I don't know. That's where you were.
Kim: Oh, right. You're not as filthy as I thought. [both giggle] Fuck Draco, man. “Do I get a say in this?”
Sequoia: Being friends?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: She's the daughter of Lord Voldemort. And they're... the Malfoys are his most loyal servants.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And if she's gonna make the most of it, she has to be friends with him.
Kim: Yeah, come on Hermione. This isn't really making the most of it.
Sequoia: Friends. Making the most of it.
Kim: “B-b-but like you wouldn't WANT to be my friend!”
Sequoia: [laughs] [high-pitched] Me! But why? Draco really does think he's very cool and fun to hang out with.
Kim: I mean, he isn’t?
Sequoia: He's like very… he's, like, you know, Potter's really missing out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And they're really missing out on being friends with me. I’m very cool.
Kim: I’m so cool.
Sequoia: And rich. And my hair is very blond.
Kim: [laughs] After Hermione laughed for several minutes… [Sequoia and audience guffaws] Whoo.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: D’you wanna laugh for several minutes?
Sequoia: Would we all like to laugh together for several...? [everyone laughs] Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Kim: That was…
Sequoia: That…
Kim: ...three seconds. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thanks for playing along. [laughs]
Kim: After Hermione laughed for several minutes, she pulled him onto the bed to sit and talk. [audience oohs suggestively]
Sequoia: Scandalous!
Kim: Come on, everybody!
Sequoia: Scandalous!
Kim: I'm looking at Sequoia’s family. [Sequoia laughs] Did I pick a story where Hermione and Draco have sex? No, I did not.
Sequoia: No she didn't.
Kim: No I did not! [audience boos] [Sequoia laughs] Your boos sustain me! Boo more! [sighs] “So, I'm going to be in Slytherin and your new best friend,” Hermione said. This is… I gotta get ready for this line.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: “I can't help if I'm the most sought after person in the world.”
Sequoia: Exactly. He thinks he's very cool!
Kim: And that was not ironic. Draco just said that.
Sequoia: He just said it!
Kim: He just said that.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: “But it'll be good for my reputation if the Dark Lord's daughter is my friend.”
Sequoia: How's Harry gonna feel about all of this?
Kim: I dunno, how is Harry gonna feel? [audience shouts things] I dunno, how are Harry and Ron gonna feel?
Sequoia: I dunno, are they…
Kim Hold for the text pleeease!
Sequoia: Oh, hold for the text, please! Yes.
Kim: “The prince and princess of Slytherin will be back.”
Sequoia: Yes, the Ice Prince. He's here! He's back. [laughs]
Kim: We have a queen as well, though.
Sequoia: We do, yes.
Kim: We got a queen, we got a prince, we got a princess.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: We're filling out...
Sequoia: We're filling out.
Kim: ...the whatever.
Sequoia: There’s a lotta... they're really into that sort of monarchy thing, in Slytherin.
Kim: In... in… in England? [Sequoia and audience laugh]
Sequoia: Good point, I guess!
Kim: Prince and Princess of Slytherin? Oh well, she was too tired to think about this.
Sequoia: [laughs] Be concerned!
Kim: No, it's not gonna happen. “Um, I'd like to go to sleep now, sooo…” In a very cute voice…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...Draco asked, “Can I sleep here?”
Sequoia: NO.
Kim: “Not to try anything, but I get [babyishly] nightmares.”
Sequoia: Whaat? What?
Kim: [even more babyish] Nightmares!
Sequoia: No! What are his nightmares about?
Kim: People not thinking he's as cool as he is.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Audience Member: Running out of hair gel!
Sequoia: Running out of hair gel! Yes.
Kim: All right, all right. He looked up with puppy dog eyes, and then with a sigh and a nod from Hermione, Draco crawled in.
Sequoia: Whaaat? [audience protests] This is... listen. Listen. [laughs]
Kim: [whinily] He gets nightmares! Aww, Draco!
Sequoia: He does not.
Kim: Feel sorry for Draco!
Sequoia: It’s been like ten minutes since he walked in and was like, [posh voice] well, we have to be friends now.
Kim: You’re not so filthy, I guess.
Sequoia: [chuckles] I guess. I have nightmares!
Kim: The next morning they woke up to a shocked scream. [high pitched drawl] "DRACO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
Sequoia: He’s... he’s makin’ friends with the Dark Lord’s daughter!
Kim: Yeah, come on, come on.
Sequoia: He’s doin’... he’s doin’ a good!
Kim: Obvi... he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Chapter three.
Sequoia: Oh, that was the end of that chapter?
Kim: Yeah it was.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: This author is very good at leaving you on a cliffhanger.
Sequoia: Oh, I like it. I like it a lot. Chapter three.
Kim: Hermione rubbed her sleepy eyes and looked up to find an extremely attractive woman staring at them, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. I gotta... I gotta turn the page.
Sequoia: Oh, oh, oh...
Kim: I don’t usually… I don’t usually have a... I don’t usually have a physical copy of this shit.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, I like it.
Kim: This is hard! This is difficult! "Mrs. Malfoy," Hermione began timidly. "We weren't up to anything, I promise.” [Sequoia laughs] “Draco was keeping me company and helping me adjust to my new, uh, circumstances, last night.”
Sequoia: Sure. Doesn’t his mommy know that he has nightmares, though?
Kim: [childish voice] Nightmares!
Sequoia: [whining] His mommy should know.
Kim: No, that’s what Vinny and Greg are for.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Does... [laughs] do Vinny and Greg keep him company?
Kim: Yeah they do!
Sequoia: When he’s having nightmares?
Kim: YEAH they doooooo!
Sequoia: Oh no, we’re gonna get... [inaudible as Kim and the audience keep screaming]
Kim: Oh. No, now I feel weird again. Put those away. I’m gonna put those away. I’m gonna put those… I’m bumpin’ everything here. Okay, what was I saying?
Sequoia: I ‘unno.
Kim: [clears throat] “…adjust to my new circumstances last night. And then, since Draco gets nightmares, I let him sleep in here."
Sequoia: Oh, okay, yeah. We are getting to the nightmare bit.
Kim: Yeah. Draco looked in awe at the half asleep Hermione Riddle who had just acted like her father; so high and mighty, as if everything she said just had to be right. And I’m not…
Sequoia: But… what?
Kim: And I’m confused about this, because it just said... it just said right here, it said that she began timidly.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, that does not match with the text.
Kim: Draco... Draco maybe isn’t such a good judge of who is high and mighty.
Sequoia: I also don't think that Lucius Malfoy is, like, in the business of, like, comforting his son who’s having nightmares.
Kim: Oh, obviously not.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s definitely more like [deep drawl] ugh, Draco…
Kim: Go see Dobby. [Sequoia laughs] That’s what Dobby’s for. Is it?
Sequoia: Go see Dobby?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Dobby’s for comforting you when you have nightmares?
Kim: Uh… [audience member says something]
Both: Ooohh!
Sequoia: That was a good callback!
Kim: Nice callback, nice callback. For those of you that don’t listen to the podcast, Salazar is the snake!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: The stuffed… the stuffed… the stuffed… the stuffed snake… the stuffed… the stuffed snake that Draco stuffs his snake into! [audience cheers]
Sequoia: Eyyyy! That was very good. That was very good.
Kim: [whispering hoarsely] If you know what I mean!
Sequoia: Not getting any more clarification than that. Please refer to Remembering, the episode of the podcast.
Kim: [breathes out] Somebody help me.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh, but you know what? Lemme just… just a second.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. [audience chattering]
Kim: Eugh! Just thinking about that story. Yeach! You know, I read that story.
Sequoia: You did that!
Kim: Why am I vomiting? Never mind.
Audience member: You made that happen, Kim!
Kim: Whoo! [pause] Draco, fuck. [clears throat] "Oh, I'm so sorry for waking you, Mistress Riddle. As long as Draco wasn't bothering you."
Sequoia: Mistress Riddle! Hmmm.
Kim: Yeah, I don't think she’s... I don't think she’s Mistress. Wouldn't she be Miss?
Sequoia: Miss Riddle? [audience chimes in]
Kim: It should be Miss. Miss, right? Yeah, no, get your protocol together, Narcissa! [audience member says something]
Sequoia: Mistress is sexier, thank you Hannah. It is, yes.
Kim: Yeah, but is that...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is that… is that what we’re going for?
Sequoia: I dunno, it’s romance/drama!
Kim: Fuckin’... fuckin’... fuckin’ what? “As long as Draco wasn’t bothering you.” “He is here upon my wishes." She’s trying to be more regal, yeah?
Sequoia: Oh yes.
Kim: [audience member says something] Yeah. “Yes, Mistress, I came to see if you were up and would like breakfast. Your father gives his…” Oh, sorry. [high pitched drawl] “Your faaather [Sequoia and audience laugh] gives his deepest regrets, but he won’t be able to see you until the Christmas holidays.” Aw. Aww.
Sequoia: That’s like... if she was at home it was the summer!
Kim: Yeah, if she was at home, she would’ve been able to hang out with her parents. Yes.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yes. She could have spent time with her Mom and Dad, yes.
Sequoia: No she has to... has to...
Kim: Instead of getting abandoned to hang out with fucking Draco Malfoy!
Sequoia: She’s the princess of Slytherin now, though!
Kim: Fuck! Fuck that shit!
Sequoia: And a Mistress.
Kim: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck Draco! [Sequoia laughs] “He won’t be able to see you till the Christmas holidays. You will be able to see your own manor then.” She’s got a manor.
Sequoia: Your own man…?
Kim: She’s got a manor!
Sequoia: She has her own manor?
Kim: Hermione’s got a manor!
Sequoia: Does it have as many dining rooms as this one?
Kim: You know what? We saw... we saw the Riddle manor. Remember, it’s all decrepit and falling apart and dusty and shitty?
Sequoia: Did we?
Kim: Book four! [audience chimes in in agreement] Come on, Sequoia!
Sequoia: I’ve never read the Harry Potter books. [audience laughs]
Kim: It’s the first... it’s the first... it’s the first fuckin’ chapter, man!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I know, but was it falling apart?
Kim: Yes! [audience agrees]
Sequoia: It was? Okay, so she has a better man... then why the fuck is...
Kim: She’s got a shitty manor!
Sequoia: Why the fuck is Voldemort hanging out there and making his...
Kim: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I remembered, they’re wizards. [pause] They can use magic.
Sequoia: They are wizards. They can use magic.
Kim: It’s probably fine. It’s fine. It's fine. Forget I said anything. [Sequoia chuckles] I bet they have a lovely manor.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Uh huh. Sure.
Kim: Or they don't?
Sequoia: They do. They do.
Kim: “But for now, you will be going to Diagon Alley with Draco. I'm sure you will see many people there, like that Potter and Weasley."
Sequoia: Oh, yes-uh! I need this confrontation. I’m ready for it.
Kim: “Hermione woke up at that. Harry and Ron? [Sequoia scoffs] She'd forgotten!” [Sequoia bursts out laughing and so do the audience] Whoops! Slipped my mind!
Sequoia: Oops! My best friends. Sorry, I was SO busy comforting Draco through his nightmares. Forgot. About you, Ron.
Kim: He’s just sobbing and sobbing! [Sequoia laughs] Think he peed a little! However, Draco had obviously remembered.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: As Narcissa walked away down the hall, he said, "You know, you can't stay friends with Potter and Weasley. Think of what youuur faaather would say. And they won’t accept you for what you are." A fuckin’ Slytherin. [Sequoia laughs] A fuckin’ shithead Slytherin.
Sequoia: Yeah, they don’t hang out with Slytherins.
Kim: They won’t accept that.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: I think what they won't accept is the fact that, like, Hermione shows up in this place and Voldemort's like, you're my daughter, and she doesn't immediately...
Kim: And she’s like...
Sequoia: ...just fucking leave!
Kim: …cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, that sounds great, let’s do this!
Sequoia: She’s like, I’m gonna make the most of this! That's what they're not going to accept.
Kim: This is me now.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I have purple hair.
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s what they won't accept.
Kim: [deep bro voice] You have purple hair? Uncool!
Sequoia: You have purple hair now? Ugh! I don’t wanna hang out with you.
Kim: Oh! Oh, shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! [Sequoia and audience make noise] Thank you, dear!
Sequoia: Drink boy! Oh jeez.
Kim: Drink boy. [pause] Noice.
Sequoia: Noice. Thank you.
Kim: Toight. Oh, that’s... that’s very good. Wait a second. No, no, no, no.
Sequoia: It’s a drink break. [sings Hedwig’s Theme, audience joins in] Duh-dUN du-du duh, duh dUH dun, duh du-du duN, duh DUHHH. [audience gets louder, someone says something about copyright] Not if it’s a parody! [does the theme again in a silly voice]
Kim: Woo! Is that what parodying sounds like?
Sequoia: [laughing] I fixed it! I fixed it!
Kim: Fuck, man. I guess we don’t need to go back and replace our...
Both: ...old theme song...
Kim: ...any more. Just use that shit.
Sequoia: Don’t look at us, Warner Brothers! [both laugh]
Kim: Please don’t. Leave us alone. I’ll cry. What was I saying? Oh, they won't accept you for what you are because you're shitty now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your father. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Those words stung Hermione, but she knew they were true.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: And Harry was a traitor. He had tried to kill her father on several occasions.
Sequoia: WHOA! Whoa! Less than twenty four hours!
Kim: He’s her dad! Voldemort number one! [audience cheer]
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: [laughs] Woo! Fuckin’ Harry!
Sequoia: How dare he?
Kim: Well, she would show them. She would show them who she really was.
Sequoia: [pause] was I supposed to say something?
Kim: Uh, no. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, fuck, I forgot where we were in the story.
Sequoia: Okay. Great. No.
Kim: Okay, you're not allowed to say anything right now.
Sequoia: Okay, okay. I’m...
Kim: None of you are allowed to say anything. Hermione got dressed.
Sequoia: YES.
Audience Member: Whoa!
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, what's she wearing?
Kim: She's wearing pajamas! [Sequoia laughs] She’s getting dressed [fancy voice] for the day.
Sequoia: She's getting dressed for the day.
Kim: Hermione got dressed in Muggle clothes.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Audience member: No!
Sequoia: What’s she wearing?
Kim: Believe it or not, many of the Death Eaters’ children wore Muggle clothes, and her father obviously didn't mind, based on the large wardrobe she now possessed. That Wormtail picked out, why not?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, Wormtail… did Wormtail pick out a lot of tube tops? [audience laughs]
Kim: I dunno. She picked out a simply stunning outfit.
Sequoia: Yesss!
Kim: She put on [enunciating each word clearly] low rise dirty denim jeans...
Sequoia: Yes!! Yes! Yeahhh! [audience cheers]
Kim: ...a tiny black t-shirt that was purposely ripped across her tummy so it showed some skin...
Sequoia: Basically a tube top! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Kim: ...and had graffiti print in various slogans...
Sequoia: [whispers] Yes. Yesss!
Kim: ...scrawled across it in red.
Sequoia: Yessss.
Kim: She grabbed some DCs out of her wardrobe.
Sequoia: [groaning] Oh my GOD! I’ve been transported back in time.
Kim: Woo! This story came out late 2003.
Sequoia: [quiet, intense] Yes. Yes.
Kim: Let’s all... let's all remember… let's take a moment...
Sequoia: Everyone.
Kim: Take it back... take it back…
Sequoia: Take a moment of silence for 2003.
Kim: Let’s pour a little... let’s pour a little bit out for 2003. [pause] [glasses clinking] Oh, that wasn't out, that was into my mouth.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same diff.
Kim: Whatever. [sniffs] She grabbed some DCs out of her wardrobe...
Sequoia: It’s so good.
Kim: ...since she was going to walk around all day, and she didn't want sore feet.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: She collected Draco and told him...
Sequoia: She collected Draco!? [laughs] He is now her play thing.
Kim: Draco, let’s go!
Sequoia: I know about your nightmares! [Kim laughs] I’ll tell Harry.
Kim: I'll tell everyone. She collected Draco...
Sequoia: She collected Draco.
Kim: ...and told him… collect all three!
Sequoia: Are the other two Vinny and Greg?
Kim: No, the other two are… I’m tryna think of any other...
Sequoia: Blaise?
Kim: Oh! [Sequoia laughs] I was gonna say like, Veela Draco and vampire Draco. [audience shout appreciation]
Sequoia: Oh yeah, yeah, collect ‘em all.
Kim: Collect them all!
Sequoia: Collect ‘em all. The real episode one. Don't listen to episode one. Continue.
Kim: She collected Draco and told him that she couldn't wait to see Harry and Ron.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: A passage of time.
Sequoia: She’s gonna try to kill Harry. [both chuckle]
Kim: As Hermione and Draco walked through Diagon Alley, Hermione grabbed Draco's hand, intending to run to Flourish and Blotts, but instead bumping into Harry and Ron.
Sequoia: That’s exactly what she wanted. Ahe wanted to run into them.
Kim: She did want that. She did want that. Like, come on.
Sequoia: What’s she gonna say?
Kim: “Watch it, Weasley!”
Sequoia: Noice! [audience cheers] Oh, damn!
Kim: Hermione hissed.
Sequoia: [laughs] But they won’t recognize her, will they?
Kim: [deep bro voice] "How do you know my name?"
Sequoia: Yeah, there you go! There you go.
Kim: Stop reading over my shoulder!
Sequoia: I’m not.
Kim: I’m kidding, you’re all the way over here. [Sequoia chortles] Is she reading over... is she reading over my shoulder? [audience calls answers]
Sequoia: No. [pause] I’m not reading over your shoulder, I just only read fanfiction so I always know [laughing] what's gonna happen next.
Kim: "How do you know my name?" Ron asked, looking at Hermione, not recognizing her. [audience member says something]
Sequoia: [snooty voice] Hand me down robes, yeah.
Kim: “I find it hard to believe that my two best friends don't even recognize me," Hermione drawled. She drawls now.
Sequoia: Of course not!
Kim: She’s drawling now because she's been hanging out with Draco for like twelve hours. [Sequoia laughs] "No matter, I will introduce myself again. My name is Hermione Riddle, but you would know me as Granger." She spat the word…
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: ...while Harry and Ron just looked dumbstruck.
Sequoia: Harry and Ron are like, I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
Kim: I’m sorry, whaaat is happening?
Sequoia: I’m very confused.
Kim: [scoffs] God! Harry only knows one spell. He can’t keep up!
Sequoia: [laughs] [British accent] Expelliarmus!
Kim: "Well, obviously they don't care to speak to me, Draco. I think we should go. Potter, Weasley, just to let you know, you have made the worst enemy. Yes, even worse than Draco here!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco's useless, of COURSE it’s worse than Draco.
Kim: I mean, anything’s worse than Draco.
Sequoia: Is she... is she insinuating that it’s worse than Voldemort himself?
Kim: I mean she’s only specifying that she's worse than Draco. Soooo...
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, I mean that’s valid. That's valid. [Kim laughs] Draco’s never really…
Kim: Draco's fuckin’ nothing. [audience member says something]
Sequoia: He does have a pink bunny. Don't tell anyone about it, though. His mommy got it for him.
Kim: “Good day.”
Sequoia: That's what she really wanted to say to them?
Kim: Yeah that’s it.
Sequoia: She was, like, so pumped and ready to talk to them, and then she was like...
Kim: [shrieking] I said good day!
Sequoia: Good day! And then she went up to them and was like, byeeee!
Kim: [laughs] And with a smirk they walked away hand in hand, and Harry was left with a feeling that not only had they lost their best friend, but there would be lots of trouble to come. [audience oohs]
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: [droopy voice] I know. [Sequoia laughs] Poor Harry. He’s already… they have already...
Sequoia: Yeah, she does all of their homework.
Kim: Yeah. Oh, they’re fuckin’ done!
Sequoia: They’re DONE!
Kim: Oh man, they’ve already written Hermione off, though. They’re just like, well fuck, guess we’re done. Guess she’s got purple hair now.
Sequoia: Strobe light eyes, you never come back from that one. [Kim laughs]
Audience Member: They’re gonna fail Potions.
Sequoia: Gonna fail every class! Not just Potions, they can't do any magic!
Kim: I mean, they faked their way through Divination pretty well.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: That's the only one, though. That is the only one. [pause] Chapter four. The final chapter.
Sequoia: [smoothly] Chapter four.
Kim: Hermione and Draco built their friendship up, mostly by bitching about Harry and Ron. [Sequoia laughs] I mean, that's how Draco builds all friendships.
Sequoia: About... bitching about Harry?
Kim: That fucking Weasley! I’m gonna write a song about him!
Sequoia: [laughs] He spent a lot of time writing a song about Ron, you guys.
Kim: He did. He really did.
Sequoia: I think that says a lot, actually.
Kim: It does. That's why Dron is the right choice!
Sequoia: No! [audience gives mixed reaction] No.
Kim: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. YOUR BOOS SUSTAIN ME!
Sequoia: [laughs] No!
Kim: It's Dron. It’s fuckin’ Dron.
Sequoia: It’s Drarry. Continue.
Kim: It’s fuckin’ Dron.
Sequoia: It’s Drarry.
Kim: Fuck you, man. Happy birthday, fuck you. [Sequoia chuckles] Hermione found she could easily entertain Draco with stories about them. I mean, Draco’s easily entertained.
Sequoia: Yeah. He is.
Kim: Just period. Full stop.
Sequoia: He wrote a whole song about Ron! [both chuckle]
Kim: Your family’s poor! [Sequoia laughs] ...with stories about them, like when she told him about the fact that Ron was terrified of spiders.
Sequoia: [ominously] Oooh.
Kim: [laughs] One day Hermione found the Dark Arts spell, Spidorus...
Sequoia: Spidorus!?
Kim: That's it right there! [Sequoia laughs] ...in one of the three large libraries at Malfoy Manor. You know what I like about this story, actually?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: That she retains enough of Hermione to love hangin’ out in the library.
Sequoia: But that’s it.
Kim: That is... that’s all she’s got.
Sequoia: That's the one thing.
Kim: But it's still there. That is there! She’s Hermione! She’s hanging out in the library! It's right there.
Sequoia: She’s hanging out in the library. She’s learning new spells, like Spidorous.
Kim: Spidorous.
Sequoia: Yeah, which... yeah. Arachnus would be way better.
Kim: No, it’s Spidorous.
Sequoia: No, it’s Spidorous.
Kim: The spell, which can’t be detected, makes a person hallucinate that there are spiders everywhere...
Sequoia: Ooh, that's actually pretty good.
Kim: ...even in their dreams. [audience shout]
Sequoia: Oh man! That's really messed up!
Kim: It's a Dark Arts spell!
Sequoia: [laughs] Where did she find it?
Kim: In the...
Sequoia: In the Dark Art book?
Kim: In the Dark Arts books in the Malfoy Manor’s three libraries.
Sequoia: [groans] Three libraries.
Kim: They got three libraries.
Sequoia: They got nothing on their five dining rooms.
Kim: Do you... do you… do you… do... do you see why she's sticking around now?
Sequoia: Because of the libraries?
Kim: They've got... they’ve got three libraries!
Sequoia: [pause] That's not a good enough reason!
Kim: All right. Fine.
Sequoia: To stick around!
Kim: FINE! When Hermione told this to Draco, he thought it was a good enough excuse to celebrate by drinking two bottles of Lucius's Firewhiskey!
Sequoia: Wooow Draco! [laughs] Then she’s gotta look for the spell to… yeah. [laughs] To… yeah, the stomach pumping spell.
Kim: Oh wait, wait. I gotta drink two bottles of Firewhisky. I'm celebrating.
Sequoia: Oh, are you gonna do that right now?
Kim: [far from the mic] Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay, she’s drinking. It's a drink break. [pause] [sings Hedwig's Theme in a drunken trumpet wail] Is that one better? Is that good for you?
Kim: This one is better. This one’s way better.
Sequoia: Than this one?
Kim: Yeah, yeah, this one’s better.
Audience Member: Do it at the same time!
Sequoia: Don’t do it at the same time!
Kim: I think I would actually vomit.
Sequoia: Don’t do it at the same time!
Kim: I think I would… [gags] [laughs] Or whatever. A passage of time.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Hermione and Draco flooed to King’s Cross. They got on the train and after sitting down, a blond girl ran up to Draco and started screaming.
Sequoia: A blond girl?
Kim: [high pitched, bratty voice] "Draco Malfoy, how could you!?”
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: “For as long as I’ve known, we've been engaged!”
Sequoia: WHAT?
Kim: “And now I got this letter saying it's off?!”
Sequoia: WOW.
Kim: “Who are you with now, huh? I'll smack that bitch's face in!” [Sequoia cracks up] [audience cheers]
Sequoia: That's my girl Pansy, right there. She’s ready.
Kim: You sure? Maybe it’s Blaise. It's not Blaise.
Sequoia: It's not Blaise? Dammit! [laughs]
Kim: It’s Pansy. It’s Pansy, come on.
Sequoia: It is Pansy. Of course it is Pansy.
Kim: “I'll smack that bitch's face in! As soon as I see her I'll..." [Sequoia gasps] Pansy Parkinson's voice faltered at the sight of Hermione. What a sight she is!
Sequoia: She's so hot!
Kim: It's the stro… it’s the strobe eyes.
Sequoia: It’s the strobe eyes, honestly.
Kim: It’s the strobe eyes, they’re terr… they are fucking terrifying! [Sequoia laughs] However, she recovered quickly. "Who the hell are you?”
Sequoia: Oh yeah!
Kim: “I haven't seen you around here before. Are you the bitch that's stolen my Drakey?!”
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god! [audience heckle] Drakeyyyy!!
Kim: Oh fuck, we’re on the last page, my dudes. [audience says, oh no!] Hermione's mouth slowly spread into a smirk…
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: ...that she had picked up from hanging out around Draco.
Sequoia: Why is she just becoming Draco? That sucks!
Kim: It does suck! It really does.
Sequoia: Like...
Kim: She’s just a second Draco.
Sequoia: ...in order to become evil, I'm just gonna become Draco.
Kim: Just Draco.
Sequoia: No. That's not how that works.
Kim: "Excuse me, Parkinson, but you should learn to watch your language." "Watch it for who, huh? What's your damn name?" [Sequoia bursts into laughter] Whoo! That’s some spicy language.
Sequoia: That is some... that is spicy!
Kim: Wowie zowie! This fic is rated M for some bad words, guys!
Sequoia: Damn name.
Kim: Got a NC-17.
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: It’s got a bad word. It's got the D word!
Sequoia: I dunno how this information hasn't been circulated already. Like, how does she not know?
Kim: Pansy’s... Pansy is not in the loop. [Sequoia laughs] Who the fuck cares about Pansy?
Sequoia: If she's engaged to Draco, then like clearly their parents are friends.
Kim: She WAS engaged to Draco. He broke up with her with a letter, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Whoo, that's rough.
Kim: Whugh. Oof, oof.
Sequoia: That's rough. Text message, yeah. [laughs] Text message.
Kim: Now I feel bad for Pansy. Bleh.
Sequoia: No! No!
Audience member: Don’t bother!
Kim: “I’m Hermione Riddle. The Dark Lord is my father, and Draco is my fiancé.”
Sequoia: What? When did that happen! We missed that part!?
Kim: In the... it was in the passage of time.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: I feel like this is the part where she, like, starts radiating with dark magic.
Kim: Oh, for sure. Oh, for sure.
Sequoia: And then she floats up into the air and she’s like [powerful voice] I am the daughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Kim: Nononono. She's not that powerful, she’s just Draco.
Sequoia: She’s just Draco. [laughs]
Kim: With purple hair. “You may apologize on your knees for speaking to me in that language."
Sequoia: Wowwwww! [audience catcalls] [laughing] Is this a Pansy/Hermione?
Kim: I wish! Ugh, that's a great fucking pairing!
Sequoia: [laughs] Very good. It's very good.
Kim: Pansy dropped to her knees and muttered apologies until Hermione told her to leave.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: She's so pathetic. Leave.
Sequoia: Leave. Byee!
Kim: As Pansy backed out of the compartment on her knees, still apologizing, Harry and Ron stormed in.
Sequoia: Here they are!
Kim: "What the hell have you done with my Mione?!"
Sequoia: Noooo!! [audience also shouts, nooo!]
Kim: Ron screamed.
Sequoia: Not agai… not again!
Kim: Harry has not said one word this fic. [audience laughs] He’s there, though.
Sequoia: I mean, that’s fine.
Audience member: Harry’s fine.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione whipped out her wand and did a silencing charm on Ron. "Listen, Potter, Weasley," Hermione started in a deadly quiet voice.
Sequoia: Harry’s like, I didn't say anything. I’m just hanging out.
Kim: I'm just here. Send help.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Send someone to help this boy.
Kim: "I don't know how to get it through your thick heads, but I'm not Granger or a mudblood.”
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: “I am the daughter of the greatest man throughout history.”
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: That hurt a little bit coming out.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: That… that… that was... that was a little spicy.
Sequoia: No, THIS is the part where she starts glowing with dark magic and rises up into the air.
Kim: I think I vomited a little.
Sequoia: [laughs] Does she have a new button that says Daughter of The Greatest Man in History?
Kim: [laughs] She’s got so many fucking buttons, dude! Did you see that outfit she was wearing earlier?
Sequoia: It’s just covered in buttons.
Kim: Covered in buttooooons.
Sequoia: What wasn’t ripped and, like, covered in graffiti, was covered in buttons. Yeah.
Kim: Yes, correct. Correct. Oh, man.
Sequoia: Just her DCs covered in buttons.
Kim: If I... if I read this when I was thirteenish, I would have been so jealous of her outfit.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Damn.
Sequoia: Wormtail did such a good job. [audience laughs]
Audience member: He bought a copy of Yes Glitter!!
Sequoia: Yes Glitterrr!!!!
Kim: “Daughter of the greatest man throughout history, and soon to be a Malfoy.”
Sequoia: Don't brag about that.
Kim: Yeah. That’s nothing.
Sequoia: What is that to brag about?
Kim: That's nothing. That’s nothing. It’s not.
Sequoia: Soon to be a Malfoy.
Kim: It's not. It’s nothing. That’s...
Sequoia: Have you been to their house?
Kim: That's not even half as big...
Sequoia: Only five dining rooms. Not even worth it.
Kim: My house has a hundred bathrooms. [both laugh] [audience cheers]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You mean your parents house? You mean two bathrooms?
Kim: “And I was never yours to begin with.”
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: “So what you're going to do is leave. You can go back out there with the belief that there is hope to conquer the Dark Lord. But I'll say this once.”
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: “If you value your lives and the people you love, stay away from me, stay away from Draco…”
Sequoia: Drakey.
Kim: Correct, sorry.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Stay away from Drakey-poo. “...and stay away from my family and friends."
Sequoia: Not my... not the Grangers. You can have them.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, fuck them. They’re already fucking dead, man.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: They died weeks ago.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s unfortunate.
Audience member: Awkward!
Kim: Whoopssss!
Sequoia: Whoops. But the rest of my family. My actual family.
Kim: You know, my actual family, the rest of it. It’s just Voldemort.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s just Voldemort!
Kim: Stay away from Voldemort, Harry!
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Both: Or I'll come for you!
Sequoia: Very good. Very good.
Kim: Oh, shit. With that she opened the door, quietly said, "Spidorous."
Sequoia: Oh nooo. Spidorous!
Kim: Hoo! It came back. And pushed Harry and Ron out the door, shutting and locking it before she came and sat down and cuddled into Draco.
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: "I think they'll leave us alone now, love." [audience says, ew]
Sequoia: Is that the end of the story?
Kim: That's the end of the stoyyyy!
Sequoia: Ohh! Aw! [audience applauds and cheers] That was for me! How dare you!
[live section ends]
Kim: Wow, that sure was something.
Sequoia: Woo! That was a fun time, thanks so much.
Kim: I was not well by the end of it.
Sequoia: Oh no, you were fine. It was fine.
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: Your accent was fine. [both laugh]
Kim: I cannot believe you let me do that.
Sequoia: I didn’t let you do jack shit, dude!
Kim: I’m... okay, here's the thing. I am very sorry. [Sequoia laughs] But it is gonna come back, but probably in a different form.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, not that it… it maintained one form throughout what the fuck you were doing there!
Kim: I’ll keep working on it. I’m workshopping it.
Sequoia: Thanks for listening to our live episode. You can find our story submission form on our website.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: FanaticalFics.com
Kim: Also on our website is a list of all of our story recommendations.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: As well as some merch!
Sequoia: Yep, we’ve got two places for merch. We’ve got all sorts of types of merch, so check that out. Our social media, you can find us @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.
Kim: Tweet at us.
Sequoia: Tweet at us!
Kim: Tweet at us, like, in the spots where the heckling was in that episode, just like whatever you would have heckled us with.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] Give us your heckles.
Kim: If you like this podcast, if you want to help out this podcast, there are a few ways you can do that.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Trick Your Friends 2019.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Go to our Patreon, be a Patron.
Kim: Yeah, come join Patreon and come look at us.
Sequoia: Yeah, come…
Kim: See what the people saw in the live show.
Sequoia: Yeah! By the twenty first. The twenty first is our livestream. So sign up for Patreon by the twenty first.
Kim: And come look at us.
Sequoia: And come look at us! All right.
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, it’s Wolfstar.
Both: Byeeee!