Episode 55: Justifiable Reasons to Move a Scottish Castle to Brazil/The Stains on His Robes
This may be the longest title in FF history and one of the shorter episodes. We’re doing a weird thing, let it happen.
PREDICTION RULES:
https://www.fanaticalfics.com/a-harry-potter-blog
Recommendation: A Night on the Town
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/66340/1/A-Night-on-the-Town
Kim: Is that door more open than it was earlier?
Sequoia: I don’t know. I didn’t look at it earlier.
Kim: I think it’s more open than it was earlier. [pause] Is there...
Sequoia: Why would you say that?
Kim: Is there a ghost in here?
Sequoia: Why would you say that? I keep my back to that door!
Kim: It’s definitely more open.
Sequoia: I don’t... I don’t... I don’t… [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is [singsong voice] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: That was really musical theater today.
Sequoia: Thank you! [laughs] That’s what I was going for!
Kim: Oh, okay. I don’t...
Sequoia: I was like…
Kim: I’m not sure that was a compliment.
Sequoia: Well, here’s the thing, is I wanted someone to listen to that and be like, wow! I can imagine that she’s probably doing a jazz square right now.
Kim: Were you doing it? Is that what that movement was? It seemed like you were just kind of…
Sequoia: I was just kind of swaying,
Kim: Yeah
Sequoia: But I wanted to give the feeling of a jazz square.
Kim: What’s a ja… never mind. [Sequoia laughs] It’s a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Welcome to the podcast. We got a new addition to our studio today.
Kim: Yes, we did.
Sequoia: We did. It’s a Points Moon pillow!
Kim: [splutters] Oh, man!
Sequoia: I think we’re just so excited about having all sorts of different things that we could get that we were like, dah wha... I’ll get this notebook. Why don’t I get… wh... I’ll get a pillow and then…
Kim: And then you made a hilariously… I saw how much merch we had sold, like, within the first week, and I was like, wow, we’re doing so well! And then you were like, yeah, half of that was me. [Sequoia laughs] No. Over half of that was me.
Sequoia: Over half of that was me.
Kim: And I was like, oh, never mind, I guess we just made the merch store for ourselves. [Sequoia laughs] That’s cool, I guess. That’s a cool and normal thing to do.
Sequoia: Ohhhh, we’re good. We’re funny. [Kim laughs] I think we’re funny. So funny.
Kim: Ohhh! So check out the various options of merch we have on our TeePublic.
Sequoia: Yeah. Let’s get into some reviews. Shall we?
Kim: Okay. Fuck. How the fuck do I read this name? Vickimcquade.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, that’s good.
Kim: Shout out to them. They say that they are LITERALLY choking. Uh, don’t do that. [Sequoia laughs] We cannot do the Heimlich maneuver on you. We are just an audio file.
Sequoia: [laughs] Good!
Kim: On your cellphone presumably.
Sequoia: Shout out to awkwardpotato1224123456789. [both laugh] Wooo! Who says they’ll see us at the Points Moon and, oh man, we hate to break it to you, but we’re never going to get the Points Moon.
Kim: To the Points Moooooon! [both laugh] Shout out to D’mitri Duke who says they binged the podcast in three days. How are there even enough hours in a day to do that?
Sequoia: We were actually doing math over here.
Kim: Even though Spotify will count it, I don’t think listening to us while you’re asleep counts as listening.
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to PkHoney who wants to get drunk with us, and I just want to say that we’re down, as long as you’re okay playing Secret Hitler for four hours, followed immediately by Heads Up for seven hours.
Kim: We’re coollllll.
Sequoia: That’s how we party. [both laugh]
Kim: We also roll around on the floor and pretend we’re Draco Malfoy in the middle...
Sequoia: In the middle.
Kim: ...of that.
Sequoia: It’s a... yeah. It’s like a break.
Kim: Of those activities.
Sequoia: Mhm. Take a break to roll around on the floor and pretend you’re Draco Malfoy for a little bit.
Kim: Jesus Christ. We are so old. [Sequoia laughs] I had, like, a two day hangover after we did that. Fuck that man.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, man. We were supposed to record the next day. [both laugh] That did not happen.
Kim: Wooooooo.
Sequoia: Whoooooo. Anyway. Thanks for your reviews, everyone. If you leave us a review on iTunes or on Facebook, we’ll shout you out at the top of the episode.
Kim: We certainly will.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: What the fuck do you have for me today, my dude?
Sequoia: So, I just... I wanted to talk about something really quick.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Here at the top. So somebody sent me… I’ve been reading all the stuff that people have been sending to me, specifically.
Kim: Yeah because
Sequoia: In our story submission form.
Kim: That’s a reasonable number of submissions.
Sequoia: It is. I…
Kim: Unlike someone else, who’s getting an unreasonable number of submissions and cannot keep up and is getting overwhelmed and is… [inhales] I’m fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] I have a reasonable number of things to get through, so I have been reading all the submissions directed at me, and somebody sent me this fanfiction, and I read it, and I put it on my list and was so fucking excited to read it to you.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And then when I checked last night...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: just to double check it.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I looked at the date.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: And I realized it was published in 2012. [Kim gasps] And I was like, I’m going to cry. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, nooooo!
Sequoia: So I’m just going to tell you real quick that what I really in my deepest heart of hearts wanted to read to you was called The Amazing Adventure of Crookshanks The Wonder Cat, In Which the Unthinkable Happens. Oh, No! [laughs]
Kim: Fuck. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. Fuuuuck!
Sequoia: And I... I just wanted... I wanted to shout out to that listener.
Kim: Hey, listener, listener. Fuuuuuuuck yooooou tooooo.
Sequoia: I wanted to shout… shout out to this listener and say thank you.
Kim: Fuck you, too.
Sequoia: Thank you for sending that to me, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it made my soul and heart happy, and I’m very sad that I can’t read it on the podcast.
Kim: Yeahhhh.
Sequoia: Because you did a wonderful job directing a submission at me. [Kim laughs] You knew who your target audience was and you just fucking went for it, and I appreciate that in a listener.
Kim: We had talked about extending the time period, but 2012 is too recent.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s too recent.
Kim: Whomp whomp.
Sequoia: Very sad. Anyway, let’s get some predictions for what I’m actually going to read you today, which is also a listener submission.
Kim: That’s a AO3 page that I see over there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ooooooh!
Sequoia: Which means it’s a listener submission, because I don’t read AO3.
Kim: AO3 is so much easier to filter.
Sequoia: I know! You always say that, but I… but fanfiction.net is who I am.
Kim: I thought you were HarryPotterFanfiction.com or whatever.
Sequoia: [sighs] There’s not enough on it.
Kim: Yeah, there’s not.
Sequoia: Yeah. Which is a bummer. I do love it, and that’s where my fanfictions live. And somebody sent us a thing and they were like, oh, I posted a fanfiction, and the link was HarryPotterFanfiction.com and I was like... emailed them back and was like, listen, I feel you. We’re kindred spirits. Actually, you know who it was?
Kim: Who?
Sequoia: Now that I think of it. It was the Goblet of Wine girls. [both laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. We’ve got a tentative recording scheduled with them next month.
Sequoia: Yeah, that I’m so excited about. So I…
Kim: Speaking of getting drunk with us. [both laugh] Maybe we’ll end up rolling around on the floor less. Our mics don’t really go... do that.
Sequoia: Go to the floor like that.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: We’ll have to think about that.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’ll have to workshop that. So, here I will be reading to you from the listener submissions.
Kim: I’m so excited. This is our second listener submission story that we’ve read on the podcast.
Sequoia: I’m so stoked, and the thing of it... the thing about it was... is that since we have to do so much recording right now, since I’m going out of town and all sorts of things are happening, I was, like, hardcore just reading fanfic for the past, like, four days.
Kim: [laughs] Good job.
Sequoia: And then... and I wasn’t finding anything that spoke directly to me, you know?
Kim: Mhm. You weren’t finding the Blaise fic that you needed.
Sequoia: Exactly. Exactly. And so I went to the…
Kim: Because it’s Blaise month.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! Because it’s Blaise month.
Kim: It’s not Blaise month.
Sequoia: So I went to the listener submissions, and I knew that somebody would speak to me.
Kim: Mmm.
Sequoia: I knew it.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I felt... I had a feeling.
Kim: Mhm
Sequoia: I had a feeling.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And I was correct. So, if you would like to make some predictions for Justifiable Reasons to Move a Scottish Castle to Brazil.
Kim: Pffffff! What?!
Sequoia: This is a humor/romance.
Kim: Fuck. [laughs]
Sequoia: And it was published between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix. [laughs]
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. What the fuck? [Sequoia laughs] I’m gonna guess the pairing is Ron/Hermione? Because you’re you.
Sequoia: Okay.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: I’m gonna guess... fuck if I know, man. So this is pre book five. Hermione is going to be stressed about O.W.L.s in this story.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: And, you know what? I’m going to make a prediction that has nothing to do with my previous two predictions, and I’m gonna guess that Bill’s pen pal is gonna be featured in this. Bill’s pen pal from Brazil.
Sequoia: Ohhh! Okay! Okay. Cool!
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Well, here we go. Into the fanfiction, then, with those predictions. Here we go.
Kim: Fuck you, man.
Sequoia: [laughs] You can’t say that to me, because this is a listener submission and it’s not my fault!
Kim: I’ve already… okay, fine. Fuck you, too, listener! [Sequoia laughs] That’s two listeners today.
Sequoia: You are going to alienate all of our listeners.
Kim: I’m in a spicy mood. [both laugh] Apparently.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Okay. Here we go. This is Justifiable Reasons to Move a Scottish Castle to Brazil.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: It was a usual day in the dungeons of Hogwarts. That is, three houseworths of students tiptoed into them with fear and disgust written on their faces, [Kim laughs] while the Slytherin children soaked up the unpleasant cold and plotted devious pranks. [both laugh]
Kim: If you’re Slytherin, you like being in the dungeons?
Sequoia: You like cold.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Dark.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: What? Fine.
Sequoia: Pl… plotting pranks. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, you know.
Sequoia: I thought pranks were kind of a Gryffindor thing, tbh.
Kim: Pranks are for everyone, man.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. On that note. Then, there was the dungeon dweller number one.
Kim: [laughing] Dungeon dweller number one?
Sequoia: Who’s the... do you want to guess who dungeon dweller number one is?
Kim: Snape?
Sequoia: It is! Potions master Severus Snape.
Kim: The dungeon master?
Sequoia: The dungeon dweller number one. He’s not the dungeon master.
Kim: He would be a terrible dungeon master.
Sequoia: He would be so fucking bad. He would be mad at you the whole time.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And it would not be fun.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] Now I’m thinking about...
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: ...the characters playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Sequoia: Yep. Yep. Here I am.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Is that our next actual play?
Kim: [laughs] What? Our next actual play is us playing as the characters? That sounds…
Sequoia: And Colin as Severus Snape, The Dungeon Master.
Kim: That sounds impossible to do. [Sequoia laughs] Don’t put that out there! Why would you say that?
Sequoia: Whooooo. He stalked. He sulked. He was actually hiding behind his desk at the moment? [both laugh]
Kim: Okay. What’s happening?
Sequoia: He’s disarming a bomb. [Kim laughs] No. “Damn Albus. Why didn’t he warn me?”
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: Snape muttered as he rifled through his potions frantically.
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: “Polyjuice. Polyjuice. My cauldron for a drop of Polyjuice.”
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s hiding.
Kim: From…
Sequoia: And he’d like to be more hidden.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He’d like to be very, very hidden.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He’d like to be a different person.
Kim: You know, I’m… I’m always happy when Snape is having a bad day.
Sequoia: [laughs] And three houseworths of students are also very happy as well. Slytherins, of course, they love their number one dungeon dweller. [laughs] Stupid.
Kim: Sure, fine.
Sequoia: Whoooo. Okay. How am I gonna do this? Okay.
Kim: Are you gonna have to do a Snape voice?
Sequoia: No. ‘Cause that was already Snape.
Kim: Oh, that was your… boring.
Sequoia: This is a different person.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: This is a new... this is a different person.
Kim: Are you going to give me an OC?
Sequoia: No. [Kim huffs] This is a character we haven’t done yet, I don’t think.
Kim: Oh, okay, cool.
Sequoia: I don’t think. [high pitched, sing song voice] “Sevvie!”
Kim: Fuck that.
Sequoia: “Honey!”
Kim: What the fuck? What the fuck?
Sequoia: [laughs] Sorry, I can’t.
Kim: What the fuck are you doing?
Sequoia: A beautiful, perfect voice chimed out, the luscious echo reverberating through the dungeons, making even the toughest Slytherin shudder in fear.
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: Who is this? Who is this new person?
Kim: I don’t fucking know! [Sequoia laughs] What is happening?
Sequoia: Oh, Merlin. Not only had the twit returned, his memory was back.
Kim: What?! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Do you… you gotta guess! You gotta... you know who this is?
Kim: No! What is happening?!
Sequoia: Who, in the books, lost their memory?
Kim: [gasps] Is this a Lockhart/Snape?!
Sequoia: It is!
Kim: And they sent it to YOU?!
Seqouia: [laughing] They sent it to me!
Kim: [screaming] WHAT?
Sequoia: YEEEES!
Kim: No! I am so mad right now!
Sequoia: I love you, listener!
Kim: That’s MINE!
Sequoia: You’re my favorite!
Kim: That’s MINE! [Sequoia cackling] That’s my OTP.
Sequoia: [singing] Yes, it was sent to meee!
Kim: Amazing.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Please continue.
Sequoia: With a jubilant cry of “Sevvie!” Gilderoy Lockhart, former golden boy of the Wizarding World, burst through the door.
Kim: Amazing.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s here.
Kim: I can’t believe... I can’t believe I haven’t read this. I have read a lot of Lockhart/Snape.
Sequoia: [laughs] I feel like I didn’t even know that this was like a thing a thing.
Kim: About me?
Sequoia: Yeah. Or anyone.
Kim: Or about a pairing?
Sequoia: Or fanfiction. Or whatever.
Kim: Oh, man, I love this pairing.
Sequoia: Oh, man, I’m really glad you haven’t read it, actually. [both laugh] I didn’t know that I was on the lookout for that. His eyes, bluer than the bluest forget-me-not, searched expectantly for the dark haired wizard. [Kim laughing quietly in the background] Snape had given up on all deities, shortly after he found out that no amount of praying was going to allow him to boil up his own Polyjuice. [Kim laughs] But now, he found himself once more asking for the mercy of the gods. “Don’t let him find me.”
Kim: Okay, you’re just standing in the middle of the room, dude.
Sequoia: No, he’s hiding behind his desk.
Kim: Uhhhhhh.
Sequoia: He’s hiding.
Kim: Gilderoy is vapid but not stupid.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …is he? [laughs]
Kim: Oh, jeez.
Sequoia: I mean… [both laugh] Don’t let him find me, he prayed. Though, knowing his usual luck, he held no great hopes.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And indeed, shining Lockhart soon found his heart’s desire.
Kim: Beautiful. [laughs]
Sequoia: “Sevvie! [Kim sighs] There you are. How could you let me go all the way to Albania without calling?”
Kim: [scoffs] What? [both laughing] What? That doesn’t make any sense. Fine.
Sequoia: It doesn’t.
Kim: You know
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know what…
Kim: A lot of Lockhart/Snape fics are also mpreg ficsssssss.
Sequoia: Oh, are they?
Kim: Yesssssssss.
Sequoia: Oh, are they?
Kim: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sequoia: Oh, are they?
Kim: Why did this get sent to you? [Sequoia laughs] I’m so mad!
Sequoia: This is... I... I... I did not imagine this episode going in the direction of you being mad that this was not sent to you. [both laugh] But here we are, and I’m into it. It’s fine. “Very easily,” Snape muttered, and rose from his hiding place, determined never to lose his composure around the bane of his life.
Kim: [laughs] Go to Albania! Get the fuck away from me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I, what? I didn’t call you. [Kim laughs] I never called you. What did you think was gonna happen? [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man. I can’t ima... oh my gosh. People letting Lockhart just, like, wander off after book two, is that what this person thinks happened? They just let him go away?
Sequoia: No. So I think that what is being... I think the idea behind this is that he went to St. Mungo’s.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And then somehow he was cured and got his memory back.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: At St. Mungo’s.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ‘Cause he definitely was at St. Mungo’s.
Kim: In this story?
Sequoia: In this story.
Kim: Okay, continue. I can... I can hold for the text.
Sequoia: [laughs] The bane of his life. Well, one of them. Potter and Voldemort being the other two. [Kim laughs] But just like, same level.
Kim: Oh, yeah yeah. The things that cause me the most trouble.
Both: Harry Potter. Voldemort. Lockhart. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yes. Correct? Why not?
Sequoia: All on the same level. He put on his sternest frown and said, “We are over.” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man. Lockhart, we are…
Sequoia: We are…
Kim: … never…
Both: ... ever, ever getting back together! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Welcome back to the Swift Cast. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man. Yes!
Sequoia: [laughing] Stupid. “Do you hear me, Lockhart? We. Are. Completely. OVER!”
Kim: Saying that means that they were together.
Sequoia: Exactly. They were together.
Kim: Snape!
Sequoia: But now it’s over.
Kim: It was just like... it was like a one night stand.
Sequoia: It was definitely a fling. Yeah. It was definitely... and …
Kim: Yeah. Snape was just a little poor judgementy.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: It happens.
Sequoia: And Lockhart just, like, fell in love.
Kim: Is so hot.
Sequoia: [laughs] Also that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’ve been to... that’s canon.
Kim: That’s canon.
Sequoia: That’s so super canon. Very hot.
Kim: Like Snape was, like, a little vulnerable and Lockhart is…
Sequoia: And he was just like…
Both: …so hot.
Kim: Things just happened.
Sequoia: And then Lockhart was just like, here we are, we’re gonna be together forever. And Snape was like…
Kim: No way, please don’t.
Sequoia: Oh my god. I’m gonna hide behind my desk now. [both laugh] “In fact, there was never anything to get over, except in your muddled brain. One drunken romp is not a relationship!” [both laugh] Hit the nail on the head with that one.
Kim: Yes we did. Is there a class going on? Or…
Sequoia: No. There… I mean, it didn’t s... so it said that just like, students are in the dungeons feelin’ some type of way, you know?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But like, it didn’t say that a class was actually happening at that point. I want to believe…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that there’s…
Kim: That there’s, like, a bunch of terrified Hufflepuffs.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s not even Gryffindor and Slytherin.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no.
Sequoia: No. It’s Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw combined double Potions.
Kim: Like, terrified, first year, [Sequoia laughs] Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw. That’s gotta be it.
Sequoia: And they’re already terrified because they’ve heard tell of how Snape is so mean.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And he has no emotions.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And this is what they’re getting.
Kim: [laughs] Excellent.
Sequoia: I’m excited about it. “But since you’re such an impossible twit, who wouldn’t take no for an answer, are you listening to a word I’m saying?” [both laugh] This is one of my favorite parts.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: ‘Cause what’s... ‘cause what’s happening?
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: The question was valid, since the amount of drool collecting... [both laugh]
Kim: Yeees!
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: Uhhhh…
Sequoia: Why is he so into it?
Kim: I don’t... why is that… that is something that’s always like what’s happening about Lockhart/SnapeSnape. Why is Lockhart ever into Snape?
Sequoia: I don’t know. Although, that’s like an overarching question that we’re always… why is anyone into Snape?
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: What is he doing?
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Anyway. Since the amount of drool collecting and threatening to overflow in Lockhart’s mouth indicated that while golden boy most certainly had his full attention directed at Snape, [Kim laughs] it was doubtful whether he actually registered the content of his words.
Kim: [laughing] Nice.
Sequoia: [makes a high pitched noise] I don’t know if I can do this. Okay. [clears throat]
Kim: Do what? Oh, nice. [laughs] He’s just, like, standing there like, oh, Snape is so hot.
Sequoia: He’s literally about to say... [unintelligible muttering]
Kim: Okay, look, here’s the thing…
Sequoia: I can’t do this.
Kim: Alan Rickman. It kind of makes sense.
Sequoia: It does. But... [sighs] but does it? [laughs]
Kim: No. I don’t know. [Sequoia still laughing]
Sequoia: Are you try... are you trying to make a justification...
Kim: No. Never mind.
Sequoia: ...for this pairing?
Kim: Forget. Forget. Why is Lockhart into it? Lockhart is so hot.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing. He’s about to say while drool is just, like, dribbling out of his mouth. [Kim laughs] Stupid. I hate this. Why did I do this? “Sooo sexy.” [Kim laughs more, Sequoia joins in miserably]
Kim: Nice. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
Sequoia: Ugh. Whyyyy?
Kim: Oh, Lockhart.
Sequoia: The sparkling man mumbled.
Kim: I think he’s still maybe a little brain damaged from the memory charm.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah. [Kim laughs] That doesn’t get, like, a full reversal. Like you... you’re…
Kim: You’re continuing to be unwell.
Sequoia: I mean, he was... he’s a little evil, so maybe he’s into the evil thing.
Kim: Oh, sure.
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, he’s not a good guy.
Kim: No. He sucks.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He sucks so much.
Sequoia: Mhm. Okay. I can’t say this. Okay. Here we go. “Keep talking. Missed you, my sexy Sevvie.” [both laugh]
Kim: Fucking Sevvie...
Sequoia: [laughing] I can’t! I caaaaan’t!
Kim: ...as a fucking nickname for fucking Snape. Fucking, I can’t fucking handle that fucking shit. Fuck. Please continue.
Sequoia: We’re doing a lot more f-bombs than we usually do...
Kim: Gotta...
Sequoia: ...in, like, a run of the mill episode.
Kim: Gotta earn this.
Sequoia: We’re having a day over here, y’all.
Kim: Look! Fuck Snape! [both laugh] I don’t care who knows it! Fuck Snape!
Sequoia: Snape tried to ignore what the man was saying. “I’ve already told you. It’s over. And I never want to see you again, you bumbling fool! Do you have any idea how I celebrated when I found out you lost your memory?” [both laugh] They’re like, oh yeah, Professor Lockhart, he’s a fraud and he went down there and there was an accident.
Kim: And he’s not well.
Sequoia: He’s not. He’s unwell. And Snape’s like, yes!
Kim: Does a little dance.
Sequoia: Yeah! Mmm! Yeah! [both laugh] He’s like, maybe he’ll stop calling me Sevvie.
Kim: Sexy Sevvie.
Sequoia: Sexy Sevvie. [gags] Vomit. “Hey! I lost my memory!” Lockhart said, pouting cutely, as if one of Snape’s words triggered what accounted for the brain in him.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughing] Just don’t… just roll with it, it’s fine.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: “And you never came looking for me!”
Kim: [scoffs] He is... he is so not registering anything comin’ out of Snape’s mouth.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: That’s so good.
Sequoia: Go away. I don’t want to see you any more. We’re not getting back together. We were never together.
Kim: [whining] Why didn’t you call me?
Sequoia: [whining] Why didn’t you call me?
Kim: [whining] I lost my memory and you didn’t even call me. [regular tone] Nice.
Sequoia: “And you never came looking for me! What kind of a lover would do something like that?” [Kim laughs] he said, pouting cutely.
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: “This kind,” Snape smirked.
Kim: No, no, no, Snape. That’s the wrong answer. You’re…
Both: ...not lovers.
Kim: That’s the part you… never mind.
Sequoia: You have to focus in. You have to respond directly.
Kim: I don’t know that anything he says is gonna fix this.
Sequoia: [laughs] No.
Kim: [laughs] No. It’s over.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It’s over. They’re married now.
Sequoia: It’s surprising Lockhart got all the drool out of his mouth to even do a whole sentence.
Kim: He’s just talking through... he’s talking through the drool.
Sequoia: There’s just, like, spit going everywhere. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, god! Ew! That’s awful.
Sequoia: That’s really gross. Wooo. “Well, I’m fine now. Oh, and I have someone for you to meet, honey.”
Kim: Yeeeeeeesssss! [Sequoia laughing] I’m so mad that I don’t get to read this to youuu. [sighs]
Sequoia: [still laughing] Incredible. Whooo. Lockhart said, giggling inanely. If the Potions master hadn’t known that the man had the intelligence of your common slug, he would have gotten very suspicious right about now.
Kim: Ummmm. Uhhhh, what? What does Snape think is about to happen?
Sequoia: I don’t... he thinks that, like, it’s gonna be fine ‘cause Lockhart is stupid. If Lockhart wasn’t stupid, then maybe he was gonna like, kill him. I don’t know. [laughs]
Kim: Say hello to my…
Both: Little friend. [both laugh]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: What does Snape think is about to happen to him? It’s really obvious.
Sequoia: It is. Here she comes.
Kim: C’mon, ma dude. Oh, shit.
Sequoia: “Daaaaarliiiiing!”
Kim: She’s gotta be like, what? Two? Probably?
Sequoia: I don’t think we get an actual age on her.
Kim: Oh, ‘cause if this was written after book four…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Never mind, it doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: The man Snape privately called “The World’s Sexiest Moron,” thrilled. [both laugh]
Kim: Shit. Correct.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. True, true, true.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Witch Weekly’s World’s Sexiest Moron. [laughs]
Kim: I love the dynamic that this, like, retroactively adds into book two. [Sequoia laughs] Where Snape, like, thinks Lockhart is super sexy but just, like, can’t stand any of the words he’s saying. [both laugh] That is how I read book two now.
Sequoia: Yep. Not gonna be able to get rid of that one. Whooo. And a, well, something, entered the Potions classroom. “What,” he growled, “is that?”
Kim: You’ve never seen a baby before?
Sequoia: I think he’s never seen a baby before, because…
Kim: I guess he only hangs out around eleven year olds. That’s the youngest he’s ever seen.
Sequoia: Right. He thinks they just pop out at that age.
Kim: I mean, it’s like when you go away to college on like... and you’re, like, on like an enclosed kind of college campus and then you leave the campus and you’re like, old people exist? [Sequoia laughing] Babies exist?
Sequoia: Um, yeah, sure. It’s like that. Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Is that a thing? Is that a thing that many people have done?
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I’m pretty sure that’s…
Kim: Just me?
Sequoia: ...just you.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Both: ...cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: “Well, Sevvie, you wouldn’t believe how they stared at St. Mungo’s,” Lockhart began coyly, lifting up the creature that Snape now saw was dressed in a very concealing black robe.
Kim: [laughing] He dressed it in a black robe!
Sequoia: It looks just like him.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: It’s a little Snape. Just like in a little black robe. Look at it.
Kim: [still laughing] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Sequoia: He went into St. Mungo’s and they were like, what the fuck? [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man, whenever... whenever mpreg stories happen and the author has to make the decision of if this is a common thing in the wizarding world...
Sequoia: Or if it’s not.
Kim: Or if it’s the only time this has ever happened. [both laugh] So good. Either choice is great. [Sequoia laughs] I just love mpreg. ‘Cause I’m stupid. Please continue. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “And poor little me couldn’t begin to fathom where it came from.”
Kim: [laughs] Poor Lockhart. Now I feel bad for Lockhart.
Sequoia: He just, like, didn’t have any memory. He didn’t know what happened to him.
Kim: He was real pregnant.
Sequoia: He was just, like, really pregnant.
Kim: Sad!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s awful.
Sequoia: I know. Lockhart sucks. [laughs] “Where what came from?”
Kim: He’s holding it in front of you, you moron.
Sequoia: He just like, he refuses to acknowledge what it is.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s looking at it.
Kim: Just like how Lockhart wasn’t listening to anything Snape said.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Snape is not seeing anything.
Sequoia: He’s just like, nope. I just see a bundle. A creature.
Kim: A bundle of cloth.
Sequoia: Yeah. A bundle of cloth, what are you talking about?
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “Why, Sevvie, I’m so happy that you asked.” Oh, dear Merlin, that man was practically beaming.
Kim: Practically.
Sequoia: He was definitely beaming.
Kim: He’s definitely.
Sequoia: He’s always beaming.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s gotta show off those pearly whites.
Kim: He’s always beaming. His beautiful teeth. His beautiful teeth. [Sequoia groans] You have such nice…
Both: ...teeeeeeth.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: “Sev... [laughs] Severus Snape, meet Silveranne Lockhart, your daughter.”
Kim: Yes. Her name is Silver Anne?
Sequoia: Silveranne.
Kim: Is it d... is there a dash?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: It’s just one name. Silveranne.
Kim: Her first name is Silver, her middle name is Anne. Boring!
Sequoia: No! It’s just one name.
Kim: Oh. Oh.
Sequoia: It’s just one long name.
Kim: Oh. Oh! There’s no space.
Sequoia: There’s no space.
Kim: Niiiiiice.
Sequoia: Silveranne.
Kim: That is not a name!
Sequoia: It is now. [both laugh] “Your daughter.”
Kim: Beautiful.
Sequoia: THUNK. “Daddy?” [both laugh] He just like, deposits this child onto Snape’s desk. Like, THUNK.
Kim: I thought the… I assumed the THUNK was Snape passing out.
Sequoia: No! [Kim laughs] It’s literally her being deposited in front of him.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: On his desk, I think.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: With a THUNK.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Here’s your daughter. THUNK.
Kim: [laughs] Lockhart is not a good father.
Sequoia: [shrilly] Daddy?
Kim: He’s gotta be…
Sequoia: He doesn’t know what’s happening.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoooo. “It’s okay, honeypie. Daddy’s just so happy to see you,” [Kim laughs] Lockhart said...
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ...and released his and Sevvie’s beautiful, dark haired, golden skinned daughter.
Kim: Beautiful.
Sequoia: So this is like a... like a very... like very clearly a tiny little girl...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...that Snape was just like, creature. Bundle. [both laugh] He just... he just like, literally could not.
Kim: Process.
Sequoia: Process it.
Kim: What he was seeing. Awesome. Love it. Excellent.
Sequoia: The child beamed, and Gilderoy felt something warm inside. This was even better than adoring masses of fans. Well, on par with it, at least.
Kim: [laughs] Excellent.
Sequoia: His baby angel had inherited all of his good looks, [Kim laughs] and even something of his soon-to-be-husband’s voice.
Kim: Ooooooh, man.
Sequoia: He’s just like... Gilderoy’s just like, here we are, a nice little happy family!
Kim: We’re a family. Everything is nice.
Sequoia: We’re going to get married. Look how beautiful everything is.
Kim: My baby is beautiful
Sequoia: My child is beautiful. I’m beautiful.
Kim: Everything’s perfect.
Sequoia: Snape’s like, bundle. Creature.
Kim: And the Hufflepuffs are crying in the background.
Sequoia: [laughing] The Hufflepuffs are so sad.
Kim: What’s happening? [fake cries]
Sequoia: What’s happening? I didn’t know you could do that. [Kim cackles] Whooo. [baby voice] “Ooh, potions!” “Um, angel mine, you really shouldn’t...”
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: What?! No, what? No, what? [Sequoia laughs] Oh dear.
Sequoia: So this baby…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …is just, like, waddling around on top of Snape’s desk
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: And he had all his potions out ‘cause he was trying to find Polyjuice potion.
Kim: Uh huh. What potion did the baby get?
Sequoia: And she’s just like, [excited baby voice] “Potions!”
Kim: What po... what potion does the baby get? Oh, god, I hope it’s a love potion.
Sequoia: No. [laughs] No.
Kim: And she poured it all over Snape.
Sequoia: [laughs] Read in the Daily Prophet: Extra: Hogwarts Destroyed in Freak Explosion!
Kim: [laughing] What?! [Sequoia joins in the laughter] Excuse me? Oh, no! She found the nuclear bomb potion. Why did I even have that?
Sequoia: Oh, god! why didn’t I use that in the first place? [both laugh] Here’s… here we’re about to get a good middle name for Snape. Are you ready?
Kim: Oh, yes!
Sequoia: Severus Septimus Snape
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes, good.
Kim: Excellent!
Sequoia: Renowned Potions master of the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, has, after the disastrous explosion in the school dungeons, which ended up completely destroying several classrooms and the Slytherin dorm, [Kim snorts] has resigned.
Kim: Oh, but everybody survived?
Sequoia: No one died. There’s no casualties.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: The Hufflepuffs…
Kim: Are dead.
Sequoia: …were... they died.
Kim: They are dead.
Sequoia: They are dead, and nobody is talking about it.
Kim: ‘Cause nobody ever talks about the Hufflepuffs.
Sequoia: The Hufflepuffs.
Kim: Poor Puffs.
Sequoia: I love Puffs. As several reliable sources tell us, he was last seen attempting to Apparate his family…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: He was last seen trying to Apparate his family manor to Brazil. The Daily Prophet speculates this has something to do with Professor Snape’s recently revealed daughter and upcoming wedding to the infamous Gilderoy Lockhart. [Kim laughs] The end.
Kim: The end. Oh, niiiiiiiiice.
Sequoia: Justifiable Reasons to Move a Scottish Castle to Brazil.
Kim: Gilderoy Lockhart.
Sequoia: Gilderoy Lockhart and baby.
Kim: Excellent. Ohhh.
Sequoia: And then your baby blew up Hogwarts.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So you had to leave.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Like, pretty quickly on the heels of that.
Kim: I’ve read a few stories where Lockhart comes back and has Snape’s baby. I’ve not read this one.
Sequoia: Why are you… [laughs] why are you like this?
Kim: I don’t know, man. It’s a great shub… subgenre, if you’re stupid.
Sequoia: I mean, sure. [laughs] I feel like I’ve never even encountered this pairing before.
Kim: I seek out this pairing.
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: Specifically.
Sequoia: I... this makes it so much better that this got sent to me, honestly. Honestly. [both laugh] You guys did a great job. Like, I’m just am feeling... the listeners, man. You guys did a great job.
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: So that one was relatively short.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So I’d like to read something else to you today. Don’t look.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’d like to read something else to you today.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This is also a listener submission.
Kim: Okay. Do that?
Sequoia: You’re not allowed to make predictions on this one.
Kim: [splutters] What’s happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] Well, may... let’s... let’s see. I thi... you can make one prediction on this one.
Kim: What? Okay, fine. What are you doing to me?
Sequoia: Just. Let. This. Happen.
Kim: Goddamnit.
Sequoia: [laughs] This story is called…
Kim: Is that a story? There’s, like, three lines of text on your screen.
Sequoia: Don’t look! I told you not to look!
Kim: I can’t not.
Sequoia: Why can’t...? [laughs]
Kim: I can’t not.
Sequoia: Why can’t you just do what you’re asked?
Kim: ‘Cause I’m bad.
Sequoia: And not look? Come on, man. Okay. This story is called The Stains on His Robes. And it is a humor/tragedy. [Kim laughs] And it came out between Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: And you can make one prediction.
Kim: The stain is pee.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, that’s a great prediction, let’s go. Are you ready for this story?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Listeners are so great. I’m sorry, this is just... I’d just like to dedicate this episode to the listeners.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I let them all believe it was blood that stained my robes. Blood stains would give me a more interesting reputation. They would make me seem more intimidating. After all, the truth was just too embarrassing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: What Slytherin would want to be known for dying in the manner I did? [Kim begins to laugh quietly in the background] Who would want to be known as the guy who accidentally blew himself up while trying to remove the ink he’d spilled on his most expensive set of robes? The end! [laughs] There’s just a little Bloody Baron goodness for ya.
Kim: Fuckin’ weird.
Sequoia: [laughs] Here we go.
Kim: Fuckin’ weird.
Sequoia: You didn’t get any points. [laughs]
Kim: No, I did not. That’s... yeah, okay.
Sequoia: We did some fun stuff today.
Kim: The Bloody Baron spilled ink on himself. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: Cool, cool, cool. And then he died.
Kim: And then he died.
Sequoia: The end. That story was ninety one words long. Actually, there’s a disclaimer in it.
Kim: There’s a disclaimer?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is it the standard…
Sequoia: Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter, but you already knew that, [Kim laughs] is part of the ninety one words that make up this humor/tragedy fanfiction.
Kim: [laughing] Humor/tragedy!
Sequoia: So.
Kim: The tragedy tag.
Sequoia: It was... it was tra... it’s tragic! He died! [laughs]
Kim: Fuck. Everybody fucking dies, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoooo! Okay, well.
Kim: Cool. Thanks, I guess.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: All right, now it’s...
Both: ...time for...
Kim: ...your… our…
Both: Quick ficssssssss.
Kim: Today I’ve got a little story about Ron confronting Draco about why he’s so mean to them, because Ron thinks that maybe Draco’s just being mean to them because he has a crush on ‘em.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: So he’s like, Malfoy, who do you have a crush on? Is it me, Harry, or Hermione? [Sequoia laughs] And Molfoy’s like, [pompous tone] don’t be ridiculous, Weeeeeeasley.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I just don’t like any of you. And Ron’s like, [bro voice] well, why do you act so weird then?
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: And Malfoy’s like, no reason.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: And then Ron leaves and Draco’s like, all right, Neville, let’s get this on. [Sequoia laughs] Harry and Hermione are gonna be here in twenty minutes, and we’ve gotta be ready to go. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Love it.
Kim: [laughs] Stupid.
Sequoia: Thank you for your quick fic.
Kim: Anyway. [laughs] Neville’s very excited.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right.
Kim: Lolll.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: ...the rec zone! Pew pew pew pewww!
Sequoia: All right, so I had a very silly episode today.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Very silly. So I kinda have a... gotta... a silly rec.
Kim: I mean, like, is that outside of the norm?
Sequoia: No, but I just, like, felt especially, like...
Kim: Okay,
Sequoia: ...silly today.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I have a silly recommendation for you. It’s called A Night on the Town. And it is a Molly/Arthur fic.
Kim: Oh, nice!
Sequoia: Yeah. And it’s about Arthur proposing to Molly.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: And it’s very silly.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But very cute.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: It’s romance/adventure.
Kim: [laughs] Adventure.
Sequoia: [laughs] But it’s very fun.
Kim: Fuckin’ adventure tag. [both laugh] Stupid. Nice!
Sequoia: Anyway, yeah. There you go.
Kim: I’ll check that out.
Sequoia: Excellent. The link to that story will be in the description of this episode, as well as on the recommendation page of our website.
Kim: [flatly] Website.
Sequoia: Oh, no. [both laugh] I knew you were gonna do it the whole time. [flatly] Website. Fanaticalfics.com is the website.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That’s the web address.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Where you find the website.
Kim: Yep. On our website you can find links to all of our recommendations, as well as our story submission form. Sequoia apparently burned up two of hers today.
Sequoia: Oh, hell, yeah. I got more to come, too.
Kim: Oh, god, damn. Nice!
Sequoia: Noice. You guys are doing an excellent job.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Keep that up. Send that shit to me, y’all! And put in the comments of it, like, very, very all caps if it’s not within our time range, so that my heart doesn’t get broken into a million pieces.
Kim: You gotta check that first.
Sequoia: I know!
Kim: That’s gotta be the first thing you look at, my dude.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: You did… that’s not on you, listeners, don’t listen to her. Do keep putting descriptions that are just like, YEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! And a bunch of exclamation points.
Sequoia: That’s good too. [laughs]
Kim: Those are exciting for me to see.
Sequoia: That is good too.
Kim: Don’t explain what’s happening, just put that in the description, fine.
Sequoia: Also on our website you can find links to our two different merch pages.
Kim: Because nothing can ever be simple.
Sequoia: No. We’re not about that simple life.
Kim: The merch page that we host on our website includes stickers and posters and our bookmark.
Sequoia: And that is definitely cheaper. Option.
Kim: We’re not charging for shipping.
Sequoia: Yeah. We are not charging for shipping. So. Or you can go over to our TeePublic which has a lot more designs and a lot more options.
Kim: Options.
Sequoia: You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook @FanaticalFics. Do @ us.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: We love being @ed.
Kim: Send us your local fun facts. [laughs]
Sequoia: Tweet. Send us your local fun facts. Tweet at us.
Kim: Contin... continue.
Sequoia: If you have any longer thoughts or longer regional fun facts, [Kim scoffs a laugh] you may email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: [pause] Are you gonna help me at all? [both laugh] Is this just me today? If you want to help out the podcast, there are a couple ways you can do that.
Kim: Correct. [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: Why? Why are you fuckin’ like this? [Kim laughing] This is the end. This is the part where regular podcasts just get through the end.
Kim: [still laughing] I’m sorry, I’m crying.
Sequoia: Goddamnit. I was worried that this episode wasn’t going to be long enough, and now here we are.
Kim: [laughing] I’m so sorry.
Sequoia: Did some fuckin’ shit and …
Kim: I’m so sorry.
Sequoia: [laughing] If you want to help the podcast you can leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook.
Kim: We’ll shout you out at the top of the episode. You can also help the podcast by telling everyone you know and including every bird and... [Sequoia laughs] about this weird podcast you know where they won’t stop talking about mpreg.
Sequoia: [laughs] Trick Every Bird 2019. Whooo. You can also go on over to our Patreon.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We’ve got a community Discord over there. We will have full bonus episodes. Every other month they’ll be livestreamed.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We’ve also got other small bonus episodes.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We just recorded one earlier today.
Kim: Yeah, I liked that one a lot.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re chattin’ with some cool people in our Fanatical Fam.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of stuff going on over there, and it’s tons of fun.
Kim: So check out the Patreon.
Sequoia: If that’s... wait, that’s the end of the episode.
Kim: [laughs] Fuck. No, it’s not. Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s Wolfstar.
Both: Byyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee!