Episode 54: Hope Springs Eternal
We’re entering our third year of podcasting so we got you some of our favorite tropes.
Recommendation: Four and a Half Minutes
https://archiveofourown.org/works/73523
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Eliana
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: [quietly, away from mic] Cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: [singing] Cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool. [both laugh] What is happening?
Kim: That was… [both continue to laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no! Oh no, I’m already crying! [laughter continues for some time]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yes, it is. [sighs] Whoo!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yep. Here we are. [Kim laughs] Folks. Listeners.
Kim: What's up?
Sequoia: What up? We have a lot… we had a lot going on this last month.
Kim: Wow. We have…
Sequoia: Holy shit. Oh man.
Kim: Yeah, we’ve been kinda content producing… we got a lot of t-shirt designs out.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh, you guys.
Kim: It still surprises me that we got all this out the door, a little bit.
Sequoia: It surprises me that we got everything done. That we got… [laughs] as a whole. But I’m actually, like, really excited about it. And really…
Kim: Yeah, the Discord’s bumpin’.
Sequoia: Yeah! People are reading each other's fanfiction and, like, it sounds very fun in there.
Kim: Yeah. Check out our Patreon if you're confused about what we're talking about, I guess. Whoops.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, nice segue into the Patreon. Our newly restructured Patreon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: If you were already a patron, make sure to go update your pledge, also, on there.
Kim: Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Sequoia: And see what's going on with your tiers and stuff.
Kim: Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Sequoia: Fun stuff happening on the Patreon. Fun stuff happening with our t-shirt designs.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Our new merch site, our TeePublic.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We've got a ton of stuff on there. The one that I really wanted to highlight today though, is our These are my Quidditch Muscles muscle tank.
Kim: [laughs] It only comes in a tank.
Sequoia: It only comes in a tank, because that is… [both laugh] you’ve got to show them off!
Kim: Everything else has so many fun options like hoodies, and long sleeve t-shirts, and colors, and sizes…
Sequoia: And phone cases, and…
Kim: ONLY TANK TOPS. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This one, yeah. Nope. [laughs] That one is just tank tops because that is what it's made for. You can’t put a This is…
Kim: I’m pretty sure… I'm pretty sure when we talked about quidditch muscles in the past they're like [bro voice] where are they, on the face?
Sequoia: That's true. [laughs]
Kim: Stupid. We have grown muscles. [laughs]
Sequoia: So, you know, we’re dumb. It's fine. It’s fine. We haven't done reviews a whole ton in the last couple of months.
Kim: We had other stuff we wanted to talk about.
Sequoia: ‘Cause we had so much to talk about.
Both: But…
Sequoia: …we love reviews and I'm so stoked to get to that.
Kim: Not sure I love all the reviews.
Sequoia: [laughs] My god!
Kim: Fucking key smashers. [Sequoia laughs] You’re killing me. Sequoia makes me do them.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause it's funnier when you have to do it, ‘cause you don't like it. [Kim laughs] That's how comedy works. [Kim groans] [both laugh] Yeah. So we're gonna get into some reviews here.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Here we go. Shout out to ree_louise, who busted out laughing at work while listening to the pod and their coworkers asked, are you okay? Two things. One, trick your coworkers 2019.
Kim: Jesus.
Sequoia: And two, the correct answer is to suddenly stop laughing and say no.
Kim: Yeah, that's… that's… that's true.
Sequoia: And then trick them into listening to the podcast. [laughs]
Kim: I’m not oka… I mean, that is actually the true answer, though.
Both: Because you’re not okay.
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: We've done… we've… we've…
Kim: I was gonna apologize, maybe.
Sequoia: [laughs] Were you gonna apologize?
Kim: I don't know. We talked about maybe apologizing.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Do you want to apologize?
Kim: No, I don't. [Sequoia laughs loudly] I'm not sorry for squid month. Fuck.
Sequoia: Squid month is over, you guys! It's over!
Kim: For now.
Sequoia: It's August! We’re done!
Kim: For now! [laughs]
Sequoia: No. Fuck you. We’re done with squid month. [Kim laughs] Don’t look at me. Don't read me squid shit. [both laugh]
Kim: You keep letting me read you… you don’t even know.
Sequoia: I. Don’t. Let. You. Do. Anything!
Kim: What if I have more squid things?
Sequoia: Then we just won’t have an episode. [Kim laughs] There you go. I won’t post it. How’s that? How’s that for you?
Kim: Ooh! Spicy!
Sequoia: Spicy! Okay, how about you? You got a review to shout out?
Kim: Oh, right. [laughs]
Sequoia: You know. The thing.
Kim: For the next review, voldermorts baby is back!
Sequoia: Is back!
Kim: To tell everyone that they think that everyone should listen to the podcast. And I'm not sure that any baby, even one of Voldemort's, should. Actually. Tbh.
Sequoia: [laughs] Is this podcast approved for…
Kim: Anybody under eighteen?
Sequoia: …audiences below…
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Oh, okay. [laughs]
Kim: We put the E next to it on iTunes.
Sequoia: We do. [laughs] It is marked as explicit. [Kim laughs] That is true. Shout out to AnnaTheSlytherin. Shouts to my Slytherins. Who says we are bringing back nostalgic fanfic memories. And we hope you're saying that episodes like A Fluffy Pink Bunny bring back memories and not Precious or Crime and Punishment?
Kim: They all… it’s all memories. Look, we’re recapturing the entirety of an era, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] Not just pieces of it. Not just the nice pieces. [Sequoia laughs again] Gotta get it alllll.
Sequoia: Right, right, right right. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Kim: Shout out to Brot4evaaaaa33.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Oh, Jesus.
Kim: Who says that the podcast makes them want to go back in time to tell themselves at twelve to start writing fanfiction, and if you do find out a way to do that, make sure to drop us a link on our website.
Sequoia: [laughs] See, if I had written this one, I would have gone with something nice, like, why don’t you write fanfiction now? But you… [laughs]
Kim: Go back in time.
Sequoia: Go back in time.
Kim: Convince yourself at twelve to write us a fanfiction and link it to us today.
Sequoia: Today.
Kim: Today. Because that's how time travel works.
Sequoia: Ah. Erm. Eh. You know…
Kim: [laughs] Oh, shit.
Sequoia: How does time travel work?
Kim: Did I bring up… did someone bring up time travel nearby?
Sequoia: I’m sorry. Oh dear. Oh no.
Kim: Having flashbacks!
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: Getting sweaty!
Sequoia: [laughs] [sighs] Shout out to Anne, who says this podcast has changed them.
Kim: Ooh.
Sequoia: They are now constantly craving Mrs. Weasley’s finest chili dogs. [Kim laughs] Also, they signed with their name from the What's in a Name? The episode What’s in a Name?
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: It’s Zippy WaffleBuns, so… [both laugh]
Kim: That’s a good one!
Sequoia: It’s a good one, yeah.
Kim: We got one of those on Twitter recently.
Sequoia: Yeah, we did.
Kim: Phh. And it was a good one, too.
Sequoia: Oh, dang it!
Kim: Dang it!
Sequoia: Anyway, shouts to that person on Twitter, too. Like…
Kim: Yeah, you did a good job.
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: Do send us those.
Sequoia: Whooo! Thanks for sending us reviews. Please continue to review the podcast on… oh gosh. Apple Podcasts, is what it's called.
Kim: Fuck if I know, man.
Sequoia: Whooo!
Kim: The podcast has some reviews…
Sequoia: The podcast…
Kim: …and they come in.
Sequoia: Has some reviews in the…
Kim: If you are reviewing it elsewhere…
Sequoia: Let us know! We only know of the two places. There could be more places!
Kim: Do people look in, you know… [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Do we know what’s happening? No. Thank you for your reviews. We will shout you out if you keep leaving us reviews. Thanks guys. Just a quick shout out here to our peeps on Twitter, who were responding… Apple Podcasts on Harry Potter's birthday was like…
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: …oh, what are the best Harry Potter podcasts? And you guys really…
Kim: It was so sweet.
Sequoia: …were reppin’.
Kim: It was really nice to see those come in throughout the day.
Sequoia: It really was. It made my day.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Honestly. Especially after we like fucking shit posted. [laughs] [Kim blows a raspberry] On Harry Potter’s birthday. We were like, blegh, fuck Harry!
Kim: Don’t say… don’t say WE! [Sequoia laughs] YOU’RE the one who handles our social media, my dude.
Sequoia: You shit post sometimes, too. So don’t… don’t even with me, right now.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: But, like, yeah. I posted… I shit posted on Harry Potter’s birthday on Twitter. [laughs]
Kim: You posted some weirdly ominous shit, dude. Own it!
Sequoia: [laughing] I did. It was weirdly ominous. And then… and then everyone was really nice about us on the thing.
Kim: Especially considering he turned… what? Was this… was this his thirty ninth birthday?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And you tweeted bye at him?
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Bye, Harry! [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Oh, man!
Sequoia: I couldn't help it. I was looking through… I was looking through gifs. I just did search Harry Potter gifs to get some inspiration.
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: And I saw that one, and then I was like, well, here we go!
Kim: Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: [laughs] [sighs] All right!
Kim: Let’s do the podcast.
Sequoia: Let’s do… wait. No, no, no.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No, no, no. Don't get ahead of your damn self, here.
Kim: I wanna read you some shit!
Sequoia: I know. I know.
Kim: I worked really hard to edit it.
Sequoia: We will get there. First we’ve got to tell the people about the predictions rules, because we said LAST time…
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: …that we would tell them THIS time.
Kim: I’m gonna let you make predictions even though you won last… season?
Sequoia: I did. I did. [laughs] No such thing as seasons. [Kim laughs] But we did reset the points and we do have predictions rules now. Okay. Just… we're just going to go over a couple of things, but you should go to the website and look on our blog.
Kim: I mean, here's the thing. You… unless you're actively participating in the thing we're calling a contest on Discord, it does… the rules do not…
Sequoia: It’s true. I mean…
Kim: The rules do not really…
Sequoia: [high pitched] I mean, this is really… you can do whatever you want!
Kim: This is Fanatical Fics Whose Line. [Sequoia laughs] The rules are made up and the points don’t really matter.
Sequoia: And the points don’t matter.
Kim: Except when I lost.
Sequoia: Unless you’re on Discord and you’re fighting for the house cup. So. Here are the rules. [laughs]
Kim: All that said, follow these rules.
Sequoia: All said, here are the fucking rules. But the thing is that WE have to follow the rules.
Kim: Yeah. We do have to follow the rules.
Sequoia: We have to follow the rules.
Kim: I mean, we actually kind of have been following the rules and just nobody knew about the rules.
Sequoia: Yeah, we made them up and never discussed them. But somehow we did it anyway. So here are the guidelines. We want your predictions to be specific. And we want them to be about what is going to happen in the story, rather than predicting things that are NOT going to happen in the story.
Kim: Yeah. Those are some things that we kind of noticed and we're like, eh, those aren't really great predictions.
Sequoia: Yeah, and they're not as fun. Like, if you say…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. If you say, like, the trio will not appear, or…
Kim: I think we may have made that prediction at some point.
Sequoia: And we have. We’ve done those.
Kim: We have done that one once.
Sequoia: We’ve done them.
Kim: We’re gonna try and be better. We’ll try to be…
Sequoia: And there’s…
Kim: I think we're gonna end up getting way less points. Like, we did poorly before, and I think we're gonna continue to do poorly now.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think so too. [Kim snorts] But we just want to take everybody with us.
Kim: Cool! We’re taking you all down with us! [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Buy our points moon merch on TeePublic. [both laugh]
Kim: Now listen to these rules that will make it so you never get points!
Sequoia: There's a list of things that you cannot predict in the blog. But here are a couple of the big ones.
Kim: Just… just kind of things that are like a little too obvious, I think.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Or common.
Sequoia: The big one is that you cannot guess something that's not going to happen or that someone is not going to appear. Such as, the story contains no magic.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The story will not be set at Hogwarts.
Kim: Yeah, that one's way too obvious.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Any of the trio or Draco will not appear.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Those are big ones. Yes. And…
Kim: Oh, also, if you are making a prediction like this will take place at Hogwarts, that one's also too vague.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: You have to predict like this will take place in the kitchens.
Sequoia: Don't fucking say that after what you did.
Kim: This will take… happen… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Don't talk about the kitchens. I want to talk about the Hogwarts’s kitchens ever again.
Kim: I have completely repressed that entire episode.
Sequoia: [sensual voice into microphone] Happens in Hogwarts’s hallways.
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: Ahh! Here we are!
Kim: Here come the flashbacks! [Sequoia laughs] I deserve it.
Sequoia: You cannot guess that any of the trio, Draco, or Ginny will be half of a pairing. If you guess them in a pairing, you have to guess the full pairing.
Kim: Yep. But you can guess half of the pairing if you're guessing someone like…
Sequoia: Romilda Vane
Kim: …Millicent Bulstrode. [both laugh] Okay.
Sequoia: [chuckling] Sure. Millicent Bulstrode. Also that’s fine. Here's the big kicker, is that we just wanted to give you a bunch of rules and then immediately give you a contradiction to the rules.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: The contradiction is you may guess that something is not going to happen in the story if it appears in the title. So, for instance, if the story is 20,000 Kisses Under the Lake, and you…
Kim: And you… you want to predict there’s not gonna be a lake…
Sequoia: There’s no bodies of water. In the story.
Kim: Do that! Sequoia.
Sequoia: You’re welcome to do that! Here's the thing. It's funny and also sometimes that's a thing. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, yeah. Fuckin’ Month of the fucking…
Both: …twenty seven…
Sequoia: …Knives.
Kim: Where the fuck were the…
Sequoia: You could guess that there was no knives, and you would have been right! [both laugh]
Kim: We think that’s fair.
Sequoia: Yeah. Anyway, those are… that’s a quick rundown. We said almost everything that's in the blog, but go look at it. And also ask us questions. Tweet at us and be like, can I predict this?
Kim: What is wrong with you guys?
Sequoia: Or what is wrong with you guys? Are you okay? [both laugh]
Kim: Answer’s no.
Sequoia: Answer’s no.
Kim: Also, tweet your predictions at us, because let’s do this fuckin’ thing.
Sequoia: #FanficDivination! And @ us, please.
Kim: This story… [laughs] speaking of squid month being over. [laughs]
Sequoia: If you fucking…
Kim: So here’s the thing about this story. At the end of 20,000 Kisses Under the Lake, the author was like, this story is based on this other story, and had a title in there. And I searched that title to find that story. And… didn't find that story.
Sequoia: Oh, thank god! What did you find?!
Kim: But did find something else!
Sequoia: You goddamned… ugh, I quit the podcast!
Kim: I was so bummed that I didn’t find it.
Sequoia: Goodbye!
Kim: Actually, I wasn’t bummed I didn't find that other story because this story is so good.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: What’s it called?
Kim: Give. Me. Some. Predictions. Three predictions for Hope Springs Eternal, an adventure and romance story from post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Holy shit! Hope Springs Eternal. Oh, that's a fucking great title. Oh man. Oh man, you guys, I'm stoked. So I'm gonna go with a you prediction, and say that… yeah, ‘cause you… you always guess that adventures past Half Blood Prince are about the horcrux hunt.
Kim: I mean, obviously, right?
Sequoia: Right. So, I'm going to guess that in this story, they are hunting for horcruxes.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: I am going to guess, then, that the romantic pairing is Ron/Hermione.
Kim: Do that. [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] And I am also going to guess that, um… this… this story introduces a new magical object.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ‘Kay!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: There we go.
Kim: You ready?
Sequoia: Oh, I don't think I am, because you're rolling up your sleeves. [laughs]
Kim: Whoo! It’s hot in here.
Sequoia: I mean, that is… that is a sign. I am not ready.
Kim: It’s hot in here.
Sequoia: I am leaving. Thank you.
Kim: [laughs] [pause] “I'd like a super deluxe rocky road please.”
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: “One customer after another. Bloody hell. Sometimes I hate my life. Wait, scratch that. I hate my life all the time,” thought Harry.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: I'm sorry. Thought Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived, only a month or so before called a deranged psycho and now called a hero.
Sequoia: And now he works at a… at an ice cream shop.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: He had proved to the wizarding world that Voldemort had indeed returned. But in the process, he’d lost his godfather, Sirius Black, and only an hour later Albus Dumbledore showed him the prophecy that screwed him and his life over. [Sequoia laughs] So here's the thing.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I almost… I was… I was flip flopping on what to tell you about the time period this came out, because it did come out at Half Blood… out post Half Blood Prince but the author has clearly not read Half Blood Prince. [laughs]
Sequoia: Ah. Yeah. Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I got faked out. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine.
Kim: Sorryyyyy!
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: This is set after Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: It’s set after Order of the Phoenix and he's working in an ice cream shop…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …over the summer…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …I assume.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Checks out.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is fine. This is fine.
Kim: You know, Harry, post Department of… battle of the Department of Mysteries.
Sequoia: I mean, he’s just…
Kim: Being allowed outside of his house to work in… I guess he did a lot of wandering.
Sequoia: Yeah. Nobody told him he had to stay at the hou… did they? HAVE WE EVER READ THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS? [both laugh] No, this checks out. This is fine.
Kim: Sure. But you may ask why Harry is currently working in an ice cream parlor.
Sequoia: I am! Thank you, author. [laughs]
Kim: Because, of course, his uncle forced him to.
Sequoia: Oh! He's got to pay. He's got to pay that rent.
Kim: His very words had been, “We've had it with you lazing around. From now on, you are to find work and give us, the very family who gave you the clothes on your back and a roof over your head, half the money!”
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Half’s not bad.
Sequoia: Half’s not bad. I was… I was expecting ALL.
Kim: Right? Sixteen year old with half your…
Sequoia: Your ice cream shop…
Both: …money?
Kim: Harry could buy lots of Pokémon cards? [Sequoia laughs] What do sixteen year olds want?
Sequoia: What do sixteen year olds who are also…
Kim: Who are also the Boy Who Lived and the chosen one.
Sequoia: Yeah. Pokémon cards.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool. [both laugh] Harry had been doing some physical training in preparation…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …for the final battle…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …and the battles ahead of that.
Sequoia: Oh, what? Wait, what? Wait. Oh, the battles leading up to that.
Kim: To the final battle.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: But also for the final battle.
Sequoia: But also for the final battle.
Kim: These included running, [Sequoia snorts], weightlifting…
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: …swordsmanship…
Sequoia: Yeahhhh! Shing shing!
Kim: …martial arts…
Sequoia: Aaahh!
Kim: …nd so on.
Both: And so on!
Kim: He's also doing some water polo.
Sequoia: [laughs] I like to think he's also doing some, like, acrobatics.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, you gotta get… you gotta…
Kim: That might actually be…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine! Say something that makes sense!
Sequoia: Sorry!
Kim: Now, instead of the scrawny short little boy, stood a five foot ten, lithe…
Sequoia: Wait. Did he grow… did he grow taller?
Kim: He grew taller.
Sequoia: Due to the physical training, I assume?
Kim: Surrre.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Kim: I love… I love when they have their height in the story.
Sequoia: It’s like…
Kim: When it’s…
Sequoia: Five foot ten is… fine, I guess.
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughs] I mean that’s not… that’s not incredibly tall.
Kim: So?
Sequoia: They could’ve been like…
Kim: What’s your point here?
Sequoia: [laughing] …now… now stands the six foot five…
Kim: The eight foot five…
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: What are you doing? [Sequoia continues to laugh] Stood a five foot ten inch lithe young man.
Sequoia: Lithe!
Kim: I fucking hate that word.
Sequoia: Lithe!
Kim: I hate that word. With the weight of the world upon his shoulders. Now Harry, who thought of himself as quite plain, was actually quite hot.
Sequoia: Okay! [laughs]
Kim: This, of course, led to a massive influx of new customers of the female sort, which left poor Harry swamped and grumbling.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s like, god, I’m too hot to work at this fucking ice cream shop! [both laugh] The girls won’t stop buying ice cream! [both laugh again]
Kim: Oh no. “Something wrong, Harry?” “Gah! Don’t do that!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Is it Ginny? [both laugh loudly]
Kim: It was only Ricardo, Harry’s coworker.
Sequoia: Mmm, classic Ricardo.
Kim: Classic Ricardo!
Sequoia: Just sneaking up on you like that. [both laugh] While you're being very introspective about how hot you are.
Kim: Or whatever! [Sequoia sighs loudly] “I see you staring at that group over there. Some nice girl happen to catch your eye?”
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: Said Ricardo, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah, this is a good physical bit.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That didn't hurt.
Sequoia: [laughs] Have you never moved your eyebrows before?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That muscle is? Here’s the thing. Classic…
Both: …Ricardo!
Sequoia: Always trying to set everybody up in the ice cream shop.
Kim: Yeah! Silly.
Sequoia: He just… he just loves love
Kim: He does. [both keep laughing] Stupid.
Sequoia: Ricardo’s my new favorite Harry Potter character. [laughs]
Kim: Great. Awesome. Cool. “I, uh, err.” Harry, being Harry, of course, had no answer until… “Wait a minute. She looks familiar,” he thought.
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: “Actually, yeah. You see that girl in the next booth? She looks nice,” Harry said in surprise because he had never seen anyone even slightly familiar around town and because he had actually admitted that a girl looked nice.
Sequoia: Okay, but, like, Harry… Harry's in high school.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: He went to elementary school in this town.
Kim: I think what he's trying to say here is that he'd never seen… she's familiar from…
Sequoia: His wi… his wizard days.
Kim: Yeah, she’s familiar from the wizarding world.
Sequoia: Hm. Who could it be that he doesn't recognize immediately?
Kim: He’s… Harry's face blind. [Sequoia laughs] We’ve established this, Sequoia.
Sequoia: That's true. I'm sorry. I forgot. He is face blind.
Kim: He’ll recognize her when he sees her penis, or whatever. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. And she was nice. Dark, dark brown, almost black hair.
Sequoia: Hm.
Kim: Seemingly emotionless blue eyes. That’s what I look for…
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: …in a hot person.
Sequoia: [laughs] That they’re emotionless?
Kim: That their eyes… their eyes have no emotion in them.
Sequoia: Oh, good. Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] What does that mean?
Sequoia: I don't know. Ricardo, you gotta get in there and snap him…
Kim: Ricardo!
Sequoia: …right out of this! [laughs] Ricardo!
Kim: Ricardo, help this boy! [both laugh] [both sigh] A beautiful face and a body that many a girl would kill for.
Sequoia: No. Nope. No.
Kim: [laughing] No?
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Is she also five ten? [laughs]
Kim: Shit. But of course, he would never go after any girl because he already had a crush at school. But he knew she would never, could never, acknowledge him. But hope always springs eternal.
Sequoia: Hooope!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: So this is post Order of the Phoenix?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm. ‘Kay.
Kim: More or less.
Sequoia: Okay. Great.
Kim: I wonder about this author. [Sequoia laughs] Actually. You’ll see why.
Sequoia: Okay. Continue. Because I don’t know… I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
Kim: You know who this is?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay! [laughs] Cool.
Kim: “Then go get her, tiger! Grrr!”
Sequoia: Ah, no, Ricardo! Man!
Kim: Ricardo said, still wiggling his eyebrows.
Sequoia: [laughs] Has he been wiggling his eyebrows throughout?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Do… do his eyebrows ever stop wiggling?
Kim: Presumably no. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Okay, great, great, great, great, great. Actually, I can't… I'm just really disappointed in Ricardo.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He was your favorite character a second ago.
Sequoia: He was. [laughs] I don't know, I just, like, this emotionless eyes thing…
Kim: He’s not…
Sequoia: He’s not, like, wow. That girl looks creepy, dude.
Kim: Yeah, he’s not helping this boy.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s not helping this boy.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Harry replies. “Uh…no.”
Sequoia: [laughs] That is pretty classic Harry, though, actually.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia chuckles] Now we're gonna switch perspectives.
Sequoia: Ooh! To who?
Kim: [high pitched] To whom do you…?
Sequoia: Who is it?!
Kim: Blaise Zabini!
Sequoia: [screaming] YEEEEESSSS! [both laugh] [Sequoia continues to scream]
Kim: Oh, man. People that write fem Blaise post Order of the Phoenix… [Sequoia continues to scream] So good.
Sequoia: You guys.
Kim: So good.
Sequoia: I just, like, actively clenched my fists [Kim laughs] and, like, my heart rate went up. [both continue to laugh] What has this podcast done to me? Who am I?
Kim: You’re really excited about Blaise.
Sequoia: Blaise is here!
Kim: Blaise Zabini was having a bad day.
Sequoia: Of course she was!
Kim: She was lost, her portkey had screwed up, her feet hurt, her head hurt, and the ice cream clerks were staring at her.
Sequoia: [laugh] Okay. Nuts that she doesn't recognize Harry right away. Nuts.
Kim: [laughs] Also face blind.
Sequoia: Nuts. Two, of course. Like, where's her driver? And her… [laughs] sure, her feet hurt because she never has to walk this much, actually.
Kim: Yeah. Correct. Yes.
Sequoia: Too rich to walk this much.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: ‘Kay. But as she looked at the clerk who wasn't wiggling his eyebrows seriously…
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Goddamnit, Ricardo! Stop!
Kim: He literally can’t. …she was bombarded by images of her crush from school.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: But she knew he would never, could never, acknowledge her. But hope springs eternal.
Sequoia: Oh god, it's there again! The title’s there again!
Kim: That one was actually the title. The first one, there was a word in it. [singing] Now we get the title!
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: [still singing] Always put the title…
Both: [singing] …in the story! [both laugh]
Sequoia: So they’re both… neither of them has said who their crush is.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which means their crushes are each other.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But they do not recognize each other…
Kim: I mean, why would…
Sequoia: …hen they look at each other’s faces.
Kim: Why would Blaise expect Harry to be working at an ice cream shop, and why would Harry expect Blaise Zabini to be hanging out in a Muggle ice cream shop? It’s such a…
Sequoia: Muggles are gross.
Kim: Yeah. It’s such a weird place to see them that they don't…
Sequoia: No. No.
Kim: No? Okay.
Sequoia: You tried, and I appreciate that. You tried.
Kim: I mean, I…
Sequoia: But there’s no way. She’s also was just bombarded by images.
Kim: Yeah! [laughs] So weird.
Sequoia: [laughs] None of them… she couldn't take one of the images and be like hmm. Hmm? Hmm?
Kim: [laughs] She could never have a crush on someone who works at an ice cream shop, so she's ignoring what…
Sequoia: Too poor to look at! [both laugh]
Kim: “Time to go I suppose. Besides, I need to know why my portkey didn't bring me home.” And with those thoughts, Blaise left the ice cream parlor. I don't think she got any… I think she walked, in looked at Harry, and then left?
Sequoia: She was sitting down at a booth.
Kim: Did she get ice… why would she get ice…?
Sequoia: She was served ice cream by Harry!
Kim: Is that what happened?
Sequoia: He was serving ice cream!
Kim: He was serving ice cream, but did… did Blaise order a super deluxe rocky road? That doesn't sound right.
Sequoia: That doesn't sound like Blaise. Super deluxe?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That's too much ice cream. She's watching her figure. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Don’t tell me… you know I’m right.
Kim: Sure. Harry watched the girl walk out, wondering all the while who she was.
Sequoia: Fuck you, Harry! [both laugh]
Kim: “Eh, must have been someone with an uncanny resemblance to her.”
Sequoia: Oh, so he is remin… he does recognize her. He just doesn't believe it could be her.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. That's fine.
Kim: That's fine, right?
Sequoia: That's fine.
Kim: Okay. Five minutes later.
Sequoia: She comes back to the ice cream shop.
Kim: It was closing time.
Sequoia: Oh! [singing Semisonic’s Closing Time] Closing time!
Kim: No! I knew you were gonna do this. [Sequoia laughs] Stupid!
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I can’t. It is an involuntary… [both laugh briefly]
Kim: Harry cleaned up and slouched out of the ice cream parlor. He wasn't very happy to have to go back to his prison/home. As he was walking, he heard a scream that was quickly muffled.
Sequoia: [gasps] Ooh! Adventure!
Kim: Adventure! [Sequoia laughs] “What the bloody hell is going on? If Dudley is the cause of this, I swear to Merlin he's gonna pay.”
Sequoia: Sure, Har… well, Harry’s buff now.
Kim: Yeah, he’s buff now. He’s been doing weightlifting and martial arts.
Sequoia: And sword fighting
Kim: Harry thought, while sprinting toward the sound. As he arrived, he dove under some bushes and slowly parted them to reveal people in black robes holding a girl, with wands in hand. He looked closer and realized it was the girl from before. Now, most people would run to the police or something for help, but of course, Harry was not normal.
Sequoia: Alsooo…
Kim: Thank you for reminding us, author.
Sequoia: Great, great, great, great, great. He's got a saving people thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But also, what are the Muggle cops going to do…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …about your wizard friends, here?
Kim: Yeah. I mean…
Sequoia: I mean, of course he’s not gonna go to the cops.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: What are they gonna do? Nothing.
Kim: Harry was not normal, and he made a quick suicidal plan that, of course, was based off his saving people thing.
Sequoia: Yeah! There it is! There it is, folks. Saving people thing. He’s got one!
Kim: He’s got a thing.
Sequoia: He’s got a saving people thing.
Kim: A thing. [takes a breath [quietly] Fuck, this next sentence.
Sequoia: What’s he gonna do?
Kim: He had taken to carrying a katana and dagger.
Sequoia: YEEESS! YES! SHING SHING, BITCHEEES!
Kim: [laughs] A katana and dagger about for protection, but he would bluff with his wand before revealing that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, I don’t think that’s how that works!
Kim: Harry, what the fuck?
Sequoia: That’s not how that works.
Kim: That’s fucking nuts!
Sequoia: That’s not how that works!
Kim: That’s fucking nuts. [Sequoia laughs] You’re gonna do what? You’re gonna bluff that you’re with your wand?
Sequoia: You’re gonna be, like, oh, here I am, just a magician with a wand. Oh no. Whatever shall I…
Kim: Shing shing!
Sequoia: SHING SHING! [laughs] Until he gets close enough to… whaaat?
Kim: Stab them? I don’t know.
Sequoia: Stabby stab?!
Kim: He dove out of the bushes, wand raised, dagger within his sleeve.
Sequoia: Yeees!
Kim: “Let her go and I might let you go.”
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: He's got cool one liners today.
Sequoia: Yeah. And they're like, wow, is that Harry Potter? He’s too tall! [both laugh]
Kim: The tallest black robed person, obviously the leader…
Sequoia: [chuckles] It's all about tallness in this universe, okay?
Kim: I don’t know what that means!
Sequoia: If you're the tallest one, then you're the leader.
Kim: What?! [both laugh] That’s not a thing.
Sequoia: That’s why I'm in charge of the podcast. [both laugh]
Kim: Fine. Obviously, the leader, turned around laughing. “Well, well, well. What do we have here? A little…” He cut off suddenly, realizing exactly who he was facing. “Harry Potter,” he spat, “You will come with me, and we'll let the girl go.”
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Harry’s more important than fuckin’ Blaise.
Sequoia: Than Blaise, yeah. I don’t know why… I don’t know why… this seems like a Death Eatery experience.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: So why would they be going… like, why would they be anything but, like, chummy with Blaise?
Kim: Blaise isn’t evil.
Sequoia: I mean, sure. [both laugh]
Kim: Just because you’re in Slytherin doesn’t mean you’re a Death Eater, Sequoia! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, no, what did I do? Oh no! What did I do? I agree with you, a hundred percent. Continue with the story.
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia laughs] “Uh, no, but you're going to let the girl go anyway.”
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: And with that said he flicked his wrist, releasing the dagger…
Sequoia: No! Cast a spell!
Kim: He only knows…
Sequoia: Any spell!
Kim: He only knows one spelllll!
Sequoia: ANY SPELL! THE ONE SPELL!
Kim: Releasing the dagger straight into the arm of the person holding the girl. She dropped and rolled out of the way.
Sequoia: Oh, nice. She's also been training for this. [both laugh]
Kim: With a quick motion, his katana was unveiled, and he dove into the ranks of the Death Eaters.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: They were shaken out of their shock when Harry sliced off the hand of one of the Death Eaters…
Sequoia: Shit.
Kim: …and sliced the chest of another.
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: Shing, shing!
Sequoia: Shing, shing, shing, shing! Bitches!
Kim: They began to shoot curses.
Sequoia: Clearly.
Kim: Many quite scary.
Sequoia: Oh! Which ones are quite scary?
Kim: Avada Kedavra?
Sequoia: I feel like that's more than quite scary.
Kim: Ah, okay, that's very scary?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. But all missed, and they hit their comrades. [both laugh quietly]
Sequoia: Because he's just like, ninja-ing out of the way?
Kim: So fast! Yeah!
Sequoia: Okay! Sure.
Kim: Harry was going for injuries that would take the Death Eaters out of battle, not kill them.
Sequoia: Classic Harry.
Kim: But he was forced to kill one, and in his shock, he stood wide open. [Sequoia huffs] What?!
Sequoia: Use. One. Spell!
Kim: He’s… look, he’s been… he’s taking them down. He’s cutting them up. He killed one. [Sequoia laughs] He’s doing pretty well. He doesn't need magic. Not when he's got his katana.
Sequoia: [whispering] Shit! [laughs]
Kim: “Avada Kedavra!” “Oh, bloody hell.”
Sequoia: Does he… is he gonna die?
Kim: Harry saw a silver light explode out of him…
Sequoia: Wha…
Kim: …and it seemed he became detached from his body.
Sequoia: Sweet. [Kim laughs] Sweet!
Kim: He watched as the silver light decimated the remaining Death Eaters.
Sequoia: Did it come out of his chest?
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Oh, we're doing this again? [laughs]
Kim: Oh, fuck! It’s not powered by love this time.
Sequoia: It's not a cave of light and love?
Kim: No! It’s something else. Jesus. Fuck. Fuck! [Sequoia continues to laugh] He watched as the silver light decimated the remaining Death Eaters, and as the girl dashed over and caught him, and then lowered him to the ground, crying. He felt himself being pulled back to his body. He opened his eyes and saw her face. “Blaise?” he whispered in surprise.
Sequoia: Now he gets it.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. Now he…
Sequoia: He gets it now.
Kim: Now he recognizes her.
Sequoia: Good job, Harry.
Kim: The pieces are coming together.
Sequoia: It was the light.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: It was the… it was the…
Kim: He had to die and come back to recognize her?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he was like, wow, I can recognize faces! This is so weird! [both laugh]
Kim: He whispered in surprise, and she looked at him in shock. Then the pain set in, and unconsciousness tried to claim him. He held on and before the darkness totally covered his vision, he heard Blaise cry out his name and the distinctive pops of apparition.
Sequoia: [brief pause] Okay. Yeah, I love it.
Kim: Chapter two.
Sequoia: Yeeees! [Kim laughs] Yes, I love it.
Kim: Blaise quietly walked toward the only section of the hospital wing that was partitioned off. “You can come over, Blaise. I don't bite. Much.” Harry said.
Sequoia: Hot. [both laugh]
Kim: Who is Harry today?
Sequoia: He still does not know how to talk to girls.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: He can have as many muscles as you'd like. Get every muscle. Have every muscle.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Still.
Kim: Yeah, that’s true.
Sequoia: I don’t… bite, but I… could. [Kim blows raspberry] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s better than what he said. Jesus!
Sequoia: [laughing] Whatever, Harry!
Kim: Harry, be normal! [Sequoia continues to laugh] God.
Sequoia: [dramatically] He's never been normal.
Kim: He’s had to hang out with Ricardo too much. [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] His eyebrows are just going crazy. I don’t bite, but ehhhh, eh? [both laugh]
Kim: Wow, I hate that! Wow! Wow, is that what I was doing?
Sequoia: You were doing that!
Kim: I hate it. Thanks. Thanks for that.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Thanks, I hate it!
Kim: As she walked over, she noticed subtle differences. His muscles were more defined.
Sequoia: Oh, man. See? I told you.
Kim: Dying made him hotter. [Sequoia laughs] His hair seemed to glint silver in the light, and his glasses were gone.
Sequoia: Oh, is he a vampire now?
Kim: What? No! He didn’t get bit. How would he be a vampire?
Sequoia: I don't know! He's got silvery hair and his vision’s good all of a sudden. And he's buff. I don't know, vampires are all buff, right?
Kim: I don’t… no, this is what happens when you die and come back to life, for some reason.
Sequoia: I didn’t… I didn’t think he died, though! I’m confused. I think… I thought that he was about to die.
Kim: Mhm
Sequoia: And then his…
Kim: Something… yeah, I guess maybe that’s what happened.
Sequoia: …body became a beam of light, or something. [laughter]
Kim: Yeah, okay, fine. That’s what happened. Walking over to his front, she gasped. There were several small and not so small scars and a tiny lightning bolt right over his heart, obviously from the killing curse.
Sequoia: Oh, so he did die.
Kim: He got hit by the killing curse.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: He's got a new lightning bolt scar.
Sequoia: [sighs] Another one. [Kim laughs] Now the first one's not as special.
Kim: This one's little, though.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: It's tiny. [Sequoia laughs] What?
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: “Damn you Gryffindors and your bloody courage! You could have died! You were supposed to die!” she sobbed out. She approached him, wanting to hug him and never let go, but knowing he would never accept her.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: Her breath hitched as he gathered her up in a hug.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: “I thought you were supposed to be the Slytherin ice queen.”
Sequoia: YES! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Kim: We got the Slytherin ice queen!
Sequoia: Ice queen!
Kim: To go with the Slytherin ice…
Sequoia: Prince.
Kim: …king! Is he the prince?
Sequoia: He’s the prince.
Kim: Oh, he’s the ice prince of leather pants. Correct.
Sequoia: He’s the prince. Prince of leather pants.
Kim: Oh, right, right, right, right, right.
Sequoia: This… she is the…
Kim: Ice…
Both: …QUEEN.
Kim: Getting all emotional over the golden boy, Harry Potter? “She must be crying because I saved her, not because she cares about me that way,” he thought.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. Harry! [Kim laughs] What did you get hot for?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Come on! [laughs]
Kim: Is he hot now? I think he looks… he looks kind of gaunt and weird, from the description.
Sequoia: Well, he got hot before.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Blaise felt so warm in his embrace. She wished she could stay in his arms forever. But she knew she couldn't. “He's just being the kind person he usually is, hugging me, comforting me.” She breathed in deeply, she wanted his scent imprinted into her memory.
Sequoia: Uhhhhhhh.
Kim: We know what Harry smells like.
Sequoia: Burnt cinnamon toast! [both laugh] Imprint that on your memory.
Kim: “Say, Blaise, why were the Death Eaters after you?” “The Death Eaters went after my parents first. They're okay, though. Just a couple of cuts and bruises. They came after me next to try and force my parents to surrender. I'm pretty sure that they would have killed me if you hadn't come.”
Sequoia: So here's the thing.
Kim: What's up?
Sequoia: You know what I bet… that I bet Blaise’s parents did when the Death Eater showed up?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: You know what I think they did?
Kim: They're like [unconvincingly] oh no, don't hurt the girl! Anything but that!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Anything, please! Don’t hurt…
Both: …the girl!
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: You think that’s what they did?
Sequoia: Yeah. And then they left to go get the girl, and then they were like, oh, shit, that was close. [both laugh]
Kim: We’ll do anything if you… don’t hurt…
Both: …the girl!
Sequoia: Alternatively, they used magic.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: Yeah. So… and then the Death Eaters left.
Kim: And then the Death Eaters ran away. Because they lost.
Sequoia: Because they lost against magic.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Cool. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh no. “Indeed, Ms Zabini, it was quite lucky that Mr. Potter did happen to stumble on you.” Both Harry and Blaise jumped and turned around to see Professor Dumbledore standing behind them.
Sequoia: Of course he's there.
Kim: Yeah. “Harry, I need to speak with you about several things. However, this must be a one on one conversation. Miss Zabini must leave for now.” “Right. I'll see you later, Harry.” Blaise walked out, closing the curtains after her. Are you ready for this?
Sequoia: See you later?
Kim: Do you see this? Do you see this… this…
Sequoia: I do.
Kim: This exposition paragraph that we’re about to get into?
Sequoia: Is that exposition? I thought that that was going to be like… oh, is that Dumbledore talking?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m ready for it. It me with it. What’s going on?
Kim: [clears throat] “Harry, do you know what has happened? No. Don’t answer.” [both laugh] ‘Cause you fuckin’ don’t.
Sequoia: You never know what’s happened.
Kim: I don’t know why I asked that, that was silly.
Sequoia: Only I know what’s happened. Ever.
Kim: “Perhaps you remember the silver light that appeared when you were hit by the killing curse?”
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: “That was an aura.”
Sequoia: [shakily] No.
Kim: “That, by itself, should be impossible for one so young.”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Seeing Harry about to protest about being called young,
Sequoia: Did you know I’m 5’10’’ now? [both laugh quietly]
Kim: I’m not young. I'm sixteen!
Sequoia: I can have a job. I work!
Kim: He quickly added, “By physical wizarding standards, not mental standards.”
Sequoia: Sure. I mean…
Kim: Harry… Harry’s a child.
Sequoia: He… came… he’s…
Kim: Harry’s a child. It’s fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay. That’s fine. [laughs]
Kim: “Anyway, Harry, auras are not supposed to appear ever for a normal wizard. However, exceptionally powerful wizards, like myself and Voldemort, have auras that allow us to exude certain feelings, and in extreme cases, block and attack opponents.”
Sequoia: Oh, my god. What?!
Kim: “The aura is not supposed to appear until magical maturity, at age twenty or so.”
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sure. Fine.
Sequoia: Magical maturity. Surrre.
Kim: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. “It seems the killing curse has sped up the process of magical maturity, leading your power to be at its greatest extent earlier.”
Sequoia: Wait, the first killing curse? Like when he was a baby, or…?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: So the killing curse hit him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then his body was like…
Kim: I'm dead.
Sequoia: [laughs] No! No, it wasn't.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: His body was like, I'm six years old! [laughs]
Kim: An adult! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [both laugh] Yes. That is what happened.
Sequoia: Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Just checking.
Kim: When you die, you age...
Both: …six years.
Sequoia: Fine. That’s fine. Did he age six years again? How old is he now?!
Kim: I mean, his hair is silver.
Sequoia: Oh, no! [both laugh]
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: It’s fine. He can be, like, an early thirties gray.
Kim: “That is very good because it seems you are of about the same strength as myself and Voldemort.”
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: “I will begin to train you as soon as you have recovered. Good day and goodbye!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Good day and goodbye! Classic Dumbledore.
Kim: With a swirl of his neon polka dot green robes…
Sequoia: No!
Kim: …Albus Dumbledore was gone. Albus dresses way better than that, come on.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's I mean, I can… mm.
Kim: Polka dots?
Sequoia: Polka dots, not really.
Kim: No way.
Sequoia: Maybe brightly colored for sure, but…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: But the polka dots, I think, are a stretch.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I like how he just, like, exposition vomited at Harry.
Sequoia: And then left.
Kim: Leaves. Leaves.
Sequoia: Straight up peaced out!
Kim: He’s, like, ‘kay, have a nap now. Bye! [Sequoia chuckles] We’ll talk more later. Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Harry twitched slightly. He had so many questions.
Sequoia: Naturally.
Kim: “Damnit.”
Sequoia: Dumbledore’s not here to answer questions, guys.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sequoia: That’s not his function.
Kim: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sequoia: That’s not what he does.
Kim: No. “Damnit, Dumbledore! Do you always need to be so annoying?”
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s not the word I’d use, but cool.
Kim: Harry blinked at his thoughts.
Sequoia: Mmm. Yeah.
Kim: He thought of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, receiver of the order of Merlin blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, as annoying?
Sequoia: Does the story say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or did you do that?
Kim: It does say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Sequoia: Nice! [both laugh]
Kim: Harry burst out in hysterical laughter, and he laughed and laughed. End of chapter two.
Sequoia: Oh, the chapter just ends with him…
Kim: Laughing to himself.
Sequoia: …laughing to himself.
Kim: At being left full of questions.
Sequoia: Grey haired and muscley, and…
Kim: Covered in scars.
Sequoia: …covered in scars.
Kim: Fuckin’ weird.
Sequoia: Killer aura, though, that dude. [both laugh]
Kim: Literally.
Both: Literally killer.
Kim: Literally killed a dude. Okay, let’s do chapter three now.
Sequoia: Hm.
Kim: “FINE!” screamed Madam Pomfrey. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, this is good. This is perfect Madam Pomfrey characterization, right here.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: This is on point!
Kim: Fuckin’ fine!
Sequoia: Fuckin’ fine!
Kim: “But if you fall victim to some random fit, don't expect me to come running to help you.”
Sequoia: Yes. Tell ‘em!
Kim: “Oh, thank you so much, Madam Pomfrey.” And with a quick hug to the shell shocked medic, Harry dashed out the door to freedom.
Sequoia: How long has he been in there? Is it like an hour later?
Kim: Like ten minutes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: A short passage of time.
Kim: “Oh dear. Poor boy doesn't even realize that he's not wearing anything but his boxers.”
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ almighty.
Kim: “I'm free! Woo hoo!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’m sorry, you wanna do that again?
Kim: “I'm freeee! Oh, yeah!” [Sequoia laughs again] Harry skipped along the hallways before… THUD. “Ow! Oh. Hey, Blaise. How are you?”
Sequoia: Hm?
Kim: Harry studied Blaise in concern. She was drooling slightly. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no. Blaise, come on, kid. Get it together, my girl.
Kim: Get it together! She was drooling slightly, and her eyes were open wide staring at his bare chest?!
Sequoia: Oh, no! I’m only wearing boxers!
Kim: Bloody hell! Where's my shirt and my pants and my shoes?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Shoes are very not a concern, right now.
Kim: Yeah. “Oh, Merlin, don't tell me I forgot them. I wonder what made Blaise stare at my chest though,” Harry thought.
Sequoia: Same thing that made too many girls buy ice cream, man.
Kim: Harry, come on!
Sequoia: Too many!
Kim: All the ice cream and the scooping.
Sequoia: Do you remember… remember the ice cream?
Kim: Maybe that’s why he’s so muscley, the ice cream scooping.
Sequoia: Oh, the ice cream scooping.
Kim: It’s a good work out.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s a… fuck Quidditch. [laughs]
Kim: These are my ice cream muscles.
Sequoia: These are my ice cream muscles.
Kim: All right. Twenty minutes later.
Sequoia: Okay. A short passage of time.
Kim: Yeah. Madam Pomfrey could barely suppress a chuckle. Young Harry had come just fifteen minutes ago [Sequoia laughs] carrying a nearly comatose Blaise Zabini…
Sequoia: [laughing in surprise] Oh, my god! Girl! Come on! My girl, you can’t… you gotta…
Kim: …who seemed to be trying to become one with Harry’s chest.
Sequoia: Oh, my god! Girl!
Kim: She is not keeping it together.
Sequoia: Pull yourself together.
Kim: It’s too late for that.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Too late. Although maybe it’s not, because Harry has no fucking idea what’s happening.
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: “She’s going to be all right, right?” asked a now fully clothed Harry. “Actually, she is fine.”
Sequoia: [valley girl voice] Actually, she is fiiinnnne, is what she said.
Kim: Oh, is that how she said it?
Sequoia: Please. Yes, that’s exactly how she said it.
Kim: I should just have you do the Blaises. [Sequoia laughs] Said Blaise, striding out of a private room. “So, Blaise, why did you faint? I mean, you were just standing there with a freaky vacant look in your eyes.”
Sequoia: [laughs] “Blaise, do you have emotions?” [both laugh]
Kim: She’s got one! It’s horny. [both laugh] “Um, well, you see…” Blaise began to stutter, thinking furiously to try and make an excuse. [Sequoia inhales] What?
Sequoia: No, I’m just… I’m getting ready for what’s happening. For what’s about to happen.
Kim: [sing song voice] “Blaise!”
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: Oh, yes, I’m saved, and my savior is… “Mom! and Dad!”
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: Was all she could think.
Sequoia: They threw you under the bus, man!
Kim: Yeah, Blaise, your parents… Was all she could think before she was swept up in a hug. Harry prepared to sneak out of the room. Mr. Zabini, first name Richard… [Sequoia tries not to laugh] So weird.
Sequoia: First name Richard. Fifth of his name.
Kim: Sure. Saw the boy who saved his daughter about to leave the room. “And where do you think you're going?” demanded Richard. “Erm, I was leaving so you could have some privacy with your daughter, sir.” Harry said.
Sequoia: Good thing he's put on a shirt by now.
Kim: Yeah, right? If he was still shirtless…
Sequoia: The whole family would be drooling.
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh] I mean, Madam Pomfrey wasn't affected.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Madam Pomfrey is above this shit.
Kim: True, true, true, true, true, true, true. Harry said, rather meekly, so that he wouldn't insult one of the most influential purebloods around, even though they were generally neutral in most wizarding conflicts.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: See? They're not bad guys.
Sequoia: They're not bad guys.
Kim: They’re just kind of assholes.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that checks out.
Kim: “Well, I don't think so! I want to know more about the young man who saved my daughter, and exactly what he had in mind when he saved my girl.”
Sequoia: Whoa!
Kim: Yeah, I don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: He’s got a saving people thing. It's not about her.
Kim: He’s… he’s literally…
Sequoia: He does… he does not know what’s happening.
Kim: Yeah, that’s true. Harry… Harry sees someone in trouble and is out, katanas blazing! [Sequoia laughs] The katana’s already out!
Sequoia: [laughs] No, you gonna sneak up on ‘em.
Kim: Oh, right. You gotta bluff. All I got is a wand!
Sequoia: Oh, all I got is this silly little wand!
Kim: Katana! [both laugh] “My name is Harry James Potter. And for what I had in mind when I saved her, it was to save an innocent,” Harry said, eyes blazing.
Sequoia: [laughing] I like what you did, physically, during that line, because it really checks out in my brain where his chest would puff out as he said innocent.
Kim: Save an innocent!
Sequoia: Save an…
Both: …innocent!
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Stupid. The blazing eyes slowly lost their look, to be replaced by one of sorrow and bitterness. He laughed bitterly. [laughs bitterly] “One of my friends says I have a saving people thing,” Harry snorted.
Sequoia: You do.
Kim: “But it's more of a getting people in danger thing.”
Sequoia: Oh, god! Shut up! [both laugh]
Kim: His godfather just died, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure. That's fine. [both quietly chuckle]
Kim: The Zabini family looked upon a young man who was never allowed to be a boy.
Sequoia: Deep.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That was very deep.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Dang. All right, you got me.
Kim: Richard scrutinized his face before looking him up and down. “You have my permission.”
Sequoia: [makes an incoherent noise] No. No. No.
Kim: “Permission to what, sir?” [Sequoia laughs] “To date my daughter, of course!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Very good… Richard? Robert?
Kim: Richard.
Sequoia: Richard!
Kim: Dick.
Sequoia: Very good, Dick.
Kim: Dick Zabini. [Sequoia laughs] And with that, Mr. Zabini swept out the door.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s fucking gone! People keep saying things to Harry and then just fucking leaving without any explanation!
Kim: Yeah. That’s true.
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Bye, Harry! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Bye, Harry!
Kim: Mr. Zabini swept out the door, leaving a gaping Harry, a furiously blushing Blaise, and an amused Mrs. Zabini. Then she, too, swept out of the room.
Sequoia: Bye! [laughs]
Kim: But she stuck her head back in, calling, “Be sure to be home tomorrow morning, even if you're so very comfortable in Mr. Potter's arms! Ta ta!”
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!
Kim: And she was gone, and only awkward silence remained.
Sequoia: Of course.
Kim: And that's where I'm going to cut this story.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: And at… Dumbledore comes back and they start, like, a training sequence, but that doesn't really go anywhere.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The story's effectively done at this point, unfortunately.
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: Never to find out what the fuck an aura is.
Sequoia: I wanted to know what the aura was!
Kim: It’s some weird shit!
Sequoia: Oh, man. That was wonderful. Thank you.
Kim: Anytime there's fem Blaise and/or katanas in a story…
Sequoia: And the end!
Kim: The end, yeah.
Sequoia: Was just beautiful.
Kim: Perfect together.
Sequoia: I'd like… I'd like to request a drawing of Harry in a Baskin Robbins uniform.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Please.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Anyone with any artistic talent that wants to draw that.
Kim: Maybe include Ricardo.
Sequoia: Maybe include Ricardo! Who was my favorite character and very quickly let me down. [both laugh] It was a very short lived experience. But that was very good.
Kim: [laughs] [sighs] I like it. I liked it. I was… oh.
Sequoia: It kept me intrigued the whole time.
Kim: It made… it was good enough that I wasn’t sad that I couldn’t find the squid shit.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ugh, man. The good ol’ wand fake out, man. Whoo! Classic. What a classic. Classic move in a fight. Whooo! All right.
Kim: You got zero points.
Sequoia: I got zero points.
Kim: Congratulations.
Sequoia: Yeah. Well…
Kim: You were close. If you hadn't guessed object. You guessed like a new…
Sequoia: Exactly. That's what I was thinking, too.
Kim: Yeah. A new magical technique.
Sequoia: I shouldn't… yeah, I shouldn't have based it so much all on the same premise.
Kim: Always…
Sequoia: I think I went too much all in one way.
Kim: Always base it on the same stupid premise!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Never… we may never get points again. Would you be sad if that happened?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Or would that be on brand?
Sequoia: I mean that… both. [both laugh] I’d be sad, and it would be on brand. Why can’t… why not both? Okay!
Kim: Cool, cool, cool. Now, it’s time
Both: …for a quick ficssssssssss!
Sequoia: Okay, guys.
Kim: You were laughing when you were looking at your list. Like, you pulled up your list and immediately started laughing earlier.
Sequoia: Okay, I found this fanfiction and I am so sad. It's, like, it's super short. And there's like not much in it. But the premise is amazing, and I wish that it had been continued.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: So this story starts out with Harry just, like, moping around. He's been doing a sad angsty Harry thing.
Kim: Classic.
Sequoia: He goes to the Leaky Cauldron, to be sad there.
Kim: Okay. Is he an adult or a child?
Sequoia: No, he's a child.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And he finds a baby [Kim splutters] [Sequoia laughs] on the doorstep of The Leaky Cauldron.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: And as opposed to doing, LITERALLY anything else…
Kim: Does he take the baby?
Sequoia: [laughing] …he takes the baby!
Kim: Yes! What?
Sequoia: And he's like, I will raise this baby. [Kim laughs] And he goes back to the Dursleys and the Dursleys are, like, you cannot keep this baby! [both laugh] And then…
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia: And then he's like, I will keep this baby! And then they're like, you don't know how to raise a child, and he's like, no, I don't, but I know smart people, and he calls up Hermione. And he’s like, Hermione, will you help me raise this baby? And Hermione’s like, sure! [both laugh again] Oh my god!
Kim: Do you think it was gonna be Voldemort's baby?
Sequoia: Oh, I have no idea, but I was crushed that there wasn't anything more than that.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Because I was, like, yes. Like, adolescent Harry and Hermione raise a baby. What? Whoo!
Kim: [laughs] Oh, man. That’s so sad.
Sequoia: Anyway, there you go. That is my quick ficsss.
Kim: Nice quick fic. All right. So…
Sequoia: It’s time for…
Both: …THE REC ZONE! Pew, pew, pew, pew pew, pew, pew, pew!
Kim: Today, I'm recommending some Ron/Harry!
Sequoia: Because why not?
Kim: [laughs] This is a really cute story about Harry having, like, a potions accident that leads to him needing constant physical contact with people.
Sequoia: Oh, good!
Kim: And then that leads to him, I think, making out with Ron. I don't remember. It’s great.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t remember, it’s great! [both laugh] This is quality podcasting coming to you. The rec zone. The…
Kim: It’s called Four and a Half minutes and the link will be up on our website.
Sequoia: The link is also in the description of this episode.
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia: It will be on our website, under… on the recommendations page, which is a full list of all of our recommendations.
Kim: Yeah. There's gonna be so many of those on there. We might need to…
Both: …do something…
Kim: …about it.
Sequoia: About it. I don't know.
Kim: We’ve done a lot…
Sequoia: We'll figure it out!
Kim: We’ve done a lot of episodes, my dude.
Sequoia: We have.
Kim: We're over fifty.
Sequoia: We’re over fifty episodes. That's crazy. [laughs] That's nuts. Who lets us… who lets us do this?
Kim: Over fifty recommendations of things like… some Ron/Harry.
Sequoia: Some like Ron/Harry! [Kim laughs] Remember back in the day when you made fun of me for reccing Dramione? And now we’ve gone so… we’re just in it.
Kim: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ron/Harry’s great. [laughs]
Sequoia: Goddamnit. Also…
Kim: This is my second time doing this! [Sequoia laughs] Is this one of my favorite pairings?
Sequoia: It is. And they’re, like, relatively close together. [both laugh] Oh, man, what’s wrong with you?
Kim: Some’n. Some’n.
Sequoia: [laughs] Also on our website is our story submission form. Send us…
Kim: If you travel back in time and convince yourself at twelve to write a fanfiction, send us the link to that.
Sequoia: Yes. That's the only thing the story submission form is for. [laughs] We have merch in two different places. We've got merch on our website.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That stuff…
Kim: That’s stickers and the bookmark, and it's cheaper to buy those from us.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: At this point.
Sequoia: So go there and also our TeePublic. That link will be on our website as well as in the description of this episode.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Go get some quidditch muscles stuff, or some points moon stuff. We've got so much fun stuff on there.
Kim: Or a bookmark!
Sequoia: Or a… yeah. Stuff. [laughs] You can find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…
Both: …@FanaticalFics.
Kim: Do @ us your local fun facts. [both laugh] I love them!
Sequoia: Yes. I'm loving the fun facts. We've got some… we’ve got some more recently, too.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: About, like, the books in different languages, too. That's been fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: We… also, we have an email fanaticalfics@gmail.com for your longer thoughts. We got a fanfic recently…
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: …that was written about a joke Colin made, apparently a long time ago! [Sequoia laughs] About Peter Pettigrew controlling Ron like he was in Ratatouille. It was such a good story. It’s super cute. I think it's actually online now. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Well, we'll get back to you on that one.
Kim: Yeah. But if you have stuff like that, send it to us!
Sequoia: Absolutely. We loved that.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: If you want to help the podcast, there's a few different ways you can do it. Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook or whatever other thing. [laughs]
Kim: Let us know if it's somewhere else.
Sequoia: Let us know if it’s another thing.
Kim: We'll shout you out at the top of the episode. Trick… tri…
Sequoia: Trick… tri… tri…Triiick your friends 2019!
Kim: I was trying… I was stuttering because I was trying to think of something other than friends to say.
Sequoia: Well, we've said many things. Trick your barista 2019.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Trick your coworkers 2019
Kim: Coworkers. Yeah.
Sequoia: Trick your professor 2019.
Kim: Yeah. Trick every person.
Sequoia: Trick every…
Kim: Trick your mom.
Sequoia: …bird 2019. [both laugh]
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: You can also check out our Patreon. We just relaunched it a few weeks ago.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: There are full… there are gonna be full bonus episodes on there.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: As well as livestreamed full bonus episodes.
Kim: We are certainly doing that.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: I’m not scared.
Sequoia: It's gonna be great. And then we also have a community Discord where people are chatting about our episodes, talking about fanfiction, talking about Harry Potter and competing for house cup. So go check out our Patreon. And one last thing, actually. Speaking of Patreon we do shout outs for our patrons and we've got one… we’ve got one that we wanted to do for you today. We got a something.
Kim: Mmm. [laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ [laughing] You can do it.
Kim: [deep nasal Snape voice] Mr. Flemming. You’ve interrupted me disarming a bomb. Fifty points from whatever house you're in. [Dumbledore Puppet Pals voice] Dumbledore! [both laugh] Oh, fuck.
Sequoia: There you go. That's… that's for Samson. Thank you for being a patron and thanks to everybody who's listening to the podcast.
Kim: Our thanks to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It's their awesome song, Wolfstar. Bye everybody!
Both: BYE! [Kim laughs]