Episode 53: The Second Anniversary Special: First Encounter/Squid Finds A New Love (Feat. Colin)
It’s our two year anniversary?! We cannot believe we’ve gotten this far and we want to thank you all so much for your support!
Recommendation: Stealing Harry
https://archiveofourown.org/series/58157
Kim and Sequoia: [singing] I don’t like your little games, don’t like your tilted stage, the role you made me play, of the fool, no, I don’t like you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is the Taylor Swift podcast. [laughs]
Kim: Welcome to Swiftcast.
Kim and Sequoia: Ahhhhh.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I’m Kim.
Colin: And I’m Colin.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s our anniversary episode about Harry Potter fanfiction!
Sequoia: Wooo! Wooo!
Colin: Woowoowoowooo! Woohoo!
Kim: Two whole fuckin’ years.
Sequoia: Damn. [laughs]
Kim: Welcome back, Colin. We missed you.
Colin: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me back.
Kim: We can’t…
Sequoia: I think the listeners missed you too.
Kim: Yeah, we gotta… [laughs] fuck.
Sequoia: Fuck. [Colin laughs] Here’s the thing. This is Colin’s podcast now. Bye.
Colin: Yessss.
Kim: Bye. I guess we’re over. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Yes, I… [laughs]
Kim: We got a very sweet email from a listener who mentioned that Colin is their favorite part of the podcast.
Colin: Aw.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Colin: Thank you, listener.
Sequoia: We did, and then we quit.
Kim: And we quit.
Sequoia: Quit the podcast.
Kim: Jeez.
Colin: Thank you to all the Colin heads out there.
Sequoia: No we didn’t. No we didn’t. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Oh no.
Kim: Oh man. If you… if you enjoyed our cold open just now, that was…
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: …the answer to the question…
Sequoia: That was the answer to the question.
Kim: …we asked last week.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We sang as a duet on purpose at karaoke Taylor Swift’s Look What…
Sequoia: Look What You…
Kim: …You Made Me Do.
Sequoia: …Made Me Do.
Colin: Not one of her better songs, I’d say.
Kim: The…
Kim and Sequoia: …best song!
Kim: Excuse me!
Colin: [laughing] The best song? [Kim and Sequoia laugh] What?
Sequoia: That is the…
Kim: Excuse me.
Sequoia: …best Taylor Swift song. Do not @ me.
Colin: it’s like a Black Eyed Peas song from 2007.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia laughs] Correct. Thank you.
Sequoia: Whoo! Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There’s a couple things that we need… we need to get through some stuff.
Kim: A couple?
Sequoia: A lot of things. So we…
Kim: Whoo! This is… we are entering our second fucking year of the podcast. No.
Sequoia: This is nuts.
Kim: No, we’re entering… wait, how many…
Sequoia: We are entering… wait, how does time work? [laughs]
Colin: Nope. Third year. Entering the third year of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: We are entering our third year of Hogwarts. This is the Prisoner of Azkaban. [Colin laughs] We’re…
Kim: Oooh, which of us gets the time turner?
Colin: Me! It’s me. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: No! You’re not Hermione. Jesus. You are Ron. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: I’m Ron? I’m always hungry.
Sequoia: I’m Harry.
Kim: Which one’s Sequoia? Harry. And I’m Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ooh, I get the time turner!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: I get to age an additional year on top of being older than you guys already.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Wait, that doesn’t sound right.
Sequoia: No. [Colin laughs] That doe… that doesn’t sound right. You are not.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Okay, so here’s the thing, you guys. Entering our third year, we decided to make a lot of changes and do a lot of stuff, and we’re gonna tell you about it right now.
Kim: Well, we’re not… we’re not changing the podcast itself.
Sequoia: No, we’re not changing the… well…
Colin: Yes.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …we’re changing one bit of the podcast.
Colin: It’s Colin’s Star Trek podcast now.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Kim: No, it’s the Swiftcast.
Sequoia: It’s the Swiftcast. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Oh, the Swiftca… okay, I’m down for…
Kim: We are… we’re now a Swift a capella podcast.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Yep.
Colin: Ooh.
Sequoia: Except we only sing Look What You Made Me Do.
Kim: [laughs] Wow.
Colin: If there’s… there’s one thing I love it’s a capella covers of pop songs. That’s just like… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Colin: …number one of my top ten.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Yeah, but Colin, what if we did and we rei… we like reimagined it as like a jazz standard.
Colin: [audibly cringing] Ohhh, that would be so great if you did that! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, Colin would love it so much. Let’s do it.
Kim: Okay, here we go. [Sequoia laughs] No, what’s actually happening is, number one…
Sequoia: We are resetting our points. So I won.
Kim: Sequoia fucking won.
Sequoia: I won season…
Kim: Season…
Sequoia: …one.
Kim: …one. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Won season one.
Colin: Won season one of the podcast.
Sequoia: There’s no seasons. I won this first round of points.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Pointportunities.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. I haven’t scored a point in like six fucking months.
Sequoia: Yeah, so we’re resetting the points where everybody’s back down to zero and we’re instituting some rules about the whole…
Kim: That’s what the… we’re resetting the points so that whence… once we release our rules everyone can start from a clean slate.
Sequoia: Yes.
Colin: Mmm.
Kim: So that we’re all playing the same game now.
Sequoia: Yes. So we will be releasing our rules on our blog on our website and we will also be talking about them a little bit more in depth in our next episode.
Kim: Yeah, this episode is…
Sequoia: Before we make predictions.
Kim: …not gonna have predictions in it, so it’s not important now.
Sequoia: Yeah, so we’ll talk about it next time more, but the main gist… couple things. One, you make… you gotta make ‘em specific.
Kim: More specific than what we’ve been doing. And two…
Sequoia: Two, they have to be about what happens in the story. That’s gonna be like a general guideline, and we’ll get into that…
Kim: Yeah, we’ll talk…
Sequoia: …next time, but…
Kim: We’ll talk more about what that means in the future, but keep an eye on that. And then…
Sequoia: And then we’ve got…
Kim: Oh man, I’m so excited about this fucking news.
Sequoia: So we are launching a new merch platform.
Kim: Yeah! We are… we’ve set up a TeePublic, and it’s got a ton of both our old and new designs on it.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: There’s a points moon shirt, and a Ginny get back in your box shirt, so…
Sequoia: And there’s… and they’re not just shirts.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. Yeah!
Sequoia: So you, like, can get those designs on like phone cases and laptop cases and all sorts of…
Kim: And tote bags, etcetera, etcetera.
Sequoia: Tote bags, and a bunch of cool stuff.
Kim: So do go check that out. There’ll be a link in the description and on our social media.
Sequoia: Yeah, the… our merch is gonna be a little bit confusing for a while because we do have stuff on our website…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: …that isn’t on the TeePublic.
Kim: We’ve still got a lot of the old stickers and posters, and those will be cheaper to order from us at this point in time, so if you’re still interested in those, we have some still. Order them from us if you want them cheaper, I guess.
Sequoia: Yes. [Kim laughs] And then our… our other big piece of news is that we have relaunched the Patreon!
Colin: Pew pew pew pew!
Kim: [laughs] Thank you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, thanks. We put out a survey. You let us know what you wanted, and we have taken those things into account to create our new content.
Kim: More streamlined Patreon.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We got rid of all the idiot tiers.
Sequoia: Mhm. The idiot tiers… god.
Colin: What’s the Colin tier?
[pause]
Sequoia: Negative five dollars? I don’t know. Do we pay you?
Kim: Do we pay you? [everyone laughs] Maybe we should.
Colin: [laughing] No, you should not. Definitely not. [Sequoia laughs] Sorry to interrupt.
Sequoia: No, this is good. We have less tiers and more content.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And the content is geared towards the things that you told us you wanted in the survey.
Kim: And the content is going to be more consistent.
Colin: Ooh.
Sequoia: And more consistent for sure. So we’re adding a couple of things. We are gonna have a community Discord. So Discord’s like a chatroom type scenario that you’ll only have access to through the Patreon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And there’ll be a lot of fun stuff happening in there.
Kim: You can talk to other fans of the podcast.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And fans of…
Kim and Sequoia: …fanfiction.
Sequoia: And talk about fanfiction, and there’ll be…
Kim: We’ll be in there too!
Sequoia: Yeah. There’ll be writing competitions and stuff, and house points and things, so…
Kim: So do check that out. And then also, we’re gonna be releasing every month a entire Patreon exclusive episode of the podcast, and then every other month that’s gonna be a livestreamed episode.
Sequoia: Yeah, so you can come and be…
Colin: OMG.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Chat in the livestream and…
Colin: That’s so cool.
Kim: Come watch us do the thing!
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s gonna be… it’s gonna be really fun. [laughs]
Kim: I’m really excited. I am…
Colin: This is sweet.
Kim: …so excited.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s a bunch of cool stuff, so definitely go take a look of that… at that. That link is in the description as well.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And that’s the end of our…
Kim: Wooo!
Sequoia: Wooo! Yeah, we had a lot of stuff to get through. A lot of announcements.
Kim: We had to put… we had to put that at the top, ‘cause I know you guys aren’t listening to the end. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I mean, I don’t blame you sometimes.
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Sequoia: So here we go. This is our anniversary episode.
Kim: We are…
Sequoia: What are we fucking doing?
Colin: Woooo!
Kim: We are doing something different from last year. I figured that instead of asking Colin to do an incredible amount of work [Colin and Sequoia laugh] for us for free on top of all of the stuff he does in his life, we would just invite him on and I would read some shit at you guys.
Colin: Thank you.
Sequoia: I’m really excited because what we’re doing today… the reason that we’re not doing predictions is because it’s a real… a pretty well known fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah. It’s not My Immortal.
Colin: Ah.
Sequoia: It’s not My Immortal. [Kim laughs] Colin’s like, oh…
Kim: That’s…
Sequoia: …I can’t read My Immortal!
Kim: Yeah, My Immortal is too mainstream.
Sequoia: Too mainstream.
Colin: Oh, okay.
Kim: So we’re doing a very notorious fanfiction today. You may have heard of it. It’s called First Encounter.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, is, and… and I’ve heard of it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But I have never read it.
Kim: Yeah. So I’ve been saving this one for a while. We’ve actually gotten it submitted several times.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But I’ve been saving it, and I figured our anniversary was a good enough time to do this.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then I have a second fic in the back pocket.
Colin: Ooh.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: For after we finish First Encounter. [Sequoia laughs] So that we are having a squid ep todayyy.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Colin: Yay.
Sequoia: This is what… okay, listeneners, this is why I was so pissed [Kim laughs] at 20,000 Kisses Under the fucking Lake, because I was like, here’s the thing. [laughs]
Kim: I have so much squid content…
Sequoia: There’s no way she’s doing some squid shit!
Kim: …to give…
Sequoia: Because I knew…
Kim: …to the world [Colin laughing]
Sequoia: …we were doing some fucking squid shit!
Kim: Squid conteeent! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: You are the worst.
Kim: Thank youuuu.
Colin: [still laughing] Oh, listener. I am just as scared as you are. I have seen enough hentai to know where this is going.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: It’s nowhere good, my dude. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] It is nowhere good.
Sequoia: Oh man. This is… this is… this is the part where we’re recording and I start making mental edits [Colin laughs] of the things that Colin says. [everyone laughs]
Colin: That you have to cut. [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: We might not have to lose too much. We haven’t talked about Star Trek that much yet.
Colin: Yeah, this has… this has been a very efficient record session.
Sequoia: Yeah. I do hate cutting your Star Trek rants.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: I do, you guys, but they’re just not relevant to the podcast. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I think we… I think we’ve lost like a combined hour of Colin and I talking about…
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: …non relevant material, from all of our extra… all of our Colin episodes.
Colin: Just… just babbling. It helps that I’m… that I’m not in the spare bedroom. Although I… I am always…
Kim: Does it?
Colin: …in the spare bedroom in spirit.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim and Sequoia: Yeah.
Sequoia: But today you are not physically here with us.
Colin: Well…
Sequoia: And maybe that’ll help.
Colin: Well…
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Colin: I don’t know.
Sequoia: We can see you!
Colin: Maybe if…
Kim: If you look under the table…
Sequoia: That’s not… [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: It’s a greenscreen backdrop. He’s under the table. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, what a surprise!
Colin: Under the floorboards! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Whoo!
Kim: Okay, let’s… let’s do this thing. I… the… we… yep. Here we go. [snorts]
Sequoia: Shit.
Kim: Before we jump into this fanfiction, I guess I should put some warnings up front. This… these stories contain gratuitious squid sex. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Listen with… listen with care, caution, and consideration…
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: …towards that.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Here we go! [breathes] [pause]
Sequoia: What is she… [laughs]
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: Don’t do that.
Colin: What?
Sequoia: I hate it when you do that.
Kim: Sorry.
Colin: What is happening? Is this the show? What is this?
Sequoia: [laughs] She just, like, looks at the first line and then laughs. [laughs]
Colin: [laughs] Oh man.
Kim: You do that too, don’t lie to me!
Sequoia: I do. I do that too.
Kim: Okay, here we go. Hogwarts sighed, and it… [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Oh yeah! This… this is…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Colin: This is good.
Sequoia: First two words, I’m fucking down! [everyone laughs]
Colin: That’s it. That’s the end of the episode.
Sequoia: That’s it. Here we go. Thanks for doing it! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Hogwarts sighed, and it echoed within his empty halls.
Colin: Oh!
Sequoia: Oooh.
Colin: He’s so sad.
Sequoia: He’s lonely. He’s so lonely. [Colin laughs]
Kim: The students had all left for the summer, and he felt empty and useless.
Sequoia: Wow. That’s really sad.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Is this a sad story? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Hagrid was often around, but he was usually too focused on bizarre animals to fulfil the needs of Hogwarts. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Hogwarts is looking for Hagrid to fulfil its needs?
Kim: Yeah. It needs some attention, okay?
Colin: [laughs] Any port in a storm. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Professors would pop in occasionally, but being a magic school, Hogwarts didn’t need much upkeeping. The little he did need was taken care of by Filch.
Sequoia: Gross. [laughs]
Kim: Sorry not sorry. He shuddered, causing small trembles throughout his halls that were barely discernible except by the spiders and owls. [Colin hoots] Weird. Fucking weird. He didn’t care…
Sequoia: Oh, good Foley work. [Colin and Kim laugh] Here he comes. Here he comes. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Wanna make some spider noises?
Colin: Spider sounds. Scrrscrrrscrscrscr.
Kim: Thanks.
Colin: Scuttle, scuttle.
Kim: Thanks. Those are good.
Sequoia: Scuttle.
Kim: Those are good. He didn’t care much for Filch, wishing he could walk without his squib feet touching his magnificent stone floors.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Fucking what, Hogwarts?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Fucking what?
Sequoia: Hogwarts is a dick! [Colin laughs]
Kim: Jesus. I mean, Filch does suck, but…
Sequoia: But not for that reason.
Kim: Yeah. Come on.
Sequoia: It’s more for the hanging children by their…
Kim: Ankles.
Sequoia: …ankles in the dungeons reason. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Colin: No, Hogwarts likes that. Hogwarts is into that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hogwarts is definitely into that.
Kim: Ugh. Gross and weird. He had long since stopped trying to force his floors open to swallow Filch and Mrs. Norris whole.
Colin: [laughs] Oh my god!
Kim: Oh god. Here we go. Besides, if he kept it up he would risking a prolapsed staircase [Colin laughs] and that was no laughing matter. Oh man!
Colin: Oh man!
Sequoia: Wwwwwwwww…
Kim: I’m uncomfortable.
Sequoia: …wwwwhat is…
Colin: This is my new…
Kim: I’m uncomfortable.
Sequioa: …happening?
Colin: …favorite anime right here. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Oh, gross. Gross and weird.
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: Gross and weird! The giant squid saw how miserable Hogwarts was.
Colin and Sequoia: Aw.
Kim: It was true that he also missed the students, but for an entirely diffferent reason. He missed their terrified screams as he revealed himself rising from the murky depths of the lake. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: I like that your squid content so far has been, like, terrifying. [Colin and Kim laugh] Because we’ve never… that’s never been a canonical thing. The squid’s not terrifying. Everyone’s just like, oh yeah, the squid.
Kim: Yeah, it’s friendly.
Sequoia: It’s here. Friendly squid.
Colin: It’s a nice squid.
Kim: I mean, Harry does kinda worry about running into the squid in the lake during the second task. He’s like, ooh, I don’t really wanna run into the squid today.
Sequoia: Yeah, but he’s got a… he’s got a… a journey to…
Kim: Yeah, I guess so.
Sequoia: He’s got a destination.
Kim: Yeah. He doesn’t have time to…
Sequoia: What, make out with the squid?
Colin: Is it Hagrid’s job to take care of the squid?
Kim: I think so.
Sequoia: Probably.
Colin: Like, as a magical creature.
Kim: He takes care of… yeah, I assume so.
Colin: Or is it self sustaining?
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: It’s probably self sustaining because…
Kim: …to some extent.
Sequoia: …we’ve said it’s probably been there since before Hogwarts was there.
Colin: That makes sense.
Kim: Yeah. I don’t know.
Sequoia: It’s just, like, ancient.
Kim: Yeah, sure.
Colin: It’s a lake creature.
Kim: His huge…
Colin: Did you know?
Kim: …eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. [Colin inhales through teeth]
Sequoia: Mmmmmmmmm.
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: Mmmmmmhm. I’m already really sad, though. [Colin laughs]
Kim: At one time he had dreams of being an actor. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: Okay, I’m back! Back on board.
Kim: The larger he grew, the fewer agents and scouts would come calling…
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: …until they finally stopped altogether.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no! Me too, squid!
Colin: Wait. Does… so that means there were agents and scouts at some point.
Kim: [sounding choked] There wasn’t much in the market for a squid that would split a schoolgirl from stem to stern.
Sequoia: [screaming] Aggghhhh!
Colin: Ohhh.
Sequoia: [screaming] Aghhhhh!
Colin: That’s what it means.
Sequoia: [screaming] Aghghhhh!
Colin and Kim: Guhhhh!
Sequoia: Aggghhhh! Where is the… where did… where is the warning on this?! They didn’t put a warning on this! You didn’t put a warning on this!
Kim: I thought… I thought saying what it was would be enough of a warning, but wow.
Sequoia: Oh no. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Colin: I didn’t… I didn’t really think it was gonna go in a hentai direction. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Why wouldn’t you think that?
Colin: Okay, fair en…
Sequoia: [laughing] Why wouldn’t you think that?
Colin: Because this podcast has undergone a change. You guys don’t talk about as much smut any more.
Kim: Well, this one…
Sequoia: We never did!
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] We never did. A). B), He…
Sequoia: This is a special occasion.
Kim: …stared at his tentacles as they moved gently in the current. Schoolgirls were out.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Whoo.
Sequoia: Wow, wow, wow.
Kim: A plan… a plan…
Sequoia: I don’t think… I don’t think… I don’t think…
Kim: What? [Colin laughs] He’s being c… co… considerate.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, is the giant squid was like, all I want to do was be an actor, and I was like, ah, yes, ahShakespeare. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughing] And then… and then…
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: …the squid was like, nah, porn. [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] I was not expecting that.
Kim: How weird do you think wizard porn is? [Colin sighs]
Sequoia: I’m sure it could get pretty weird.
Colin: Yeah, I bet it gets weird.
Kim: ‘Cause I mean they… their pictures move.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s true.
Colin: Yeah, but we also have gifs here in the Muggle world. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s true.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But I mean the… the pictures are also like… like, portraits are also semi, like, sentient.
Colin: Oh, they’re… yeah, they’re like alive. That’s… that’s a… that’s a… that’s a real slippery slope.
Sequoia: You’re asking if portraits… portraits can fuck.
Kim: I’m asking if people have portrait porn, yes. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: I mean, I’m sure they do have porn.
Sequoia: Listen. Here’s the thing.
Kim: I have never come across that in a fanf…
Sequoia: The fat lady fucks, okay! [everyone laughs]
Kim: She and her FRIEND.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Where is the… where is the Fat Lady/Violet slash fic? [Sequoia laughing helplessly] Why’ve I never seen that? Somebody find that for me! [Colin and Kim laughing] I need it now!
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughs]
Kim: I need to keep reading this. Okay. A plan formed in his mind and he swam to the surface, hesitating momentarily before pulling himself from the water.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Here we go.
Sequoia: It’s… he’s got a goal.
Kim: Yeah, he’s got an idea.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s got…
Kim: He’s… [sighs] It ran off his rubbery skin in rivulets as he made his way across the grounds. No humans were around to witness the incredible trek, and no human would believe his eyes, had he been a witness… [Colin and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: I…
Kim: …watching the squid squish across the grounds. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Sequoia: That’s not…
Colin: It’s all deflated and gross.
Sequoia: Oh god! [laughs]
Kim: Ugh. [laughs] Nasty.
Sequoia: How long can the squid be out of water? This… this seems unlikely.
Kim: It’s a magic squid, Sequoia. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Sequoia.
Sequoia: I just don’t want this to continue. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, we’re not… Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his [pause] kitchen.
Sequoia: Ahhhhh!
Colin: Oh, nice.
Sequoia: Okay, what’s that? [laughs]
Kim: The kitchen, Sequoia! “What are you doing?” The words weren’t spoken, but they were understood. “Just trust me,” the giant squid replied.
Sequoia: Wha… wha… but…
Kim: Caressing Hogwarts’s outer walls.
Sequoia: [squeakily] What is… I knew what this fic was about…
Kim: I’m not…
Sequoia: …and I’m still… [Colin laughs] uhhhhh…
Kim: “I’m not ready!” Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic. [Colin laughs] “Hogwarts, you’re lonely, I’m lonely. We don’t have to be. Besides, you can’t go around manipulating your staircases.” “You know about that?” [Colin and Sequoia laugh wildly]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Fuck me. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] [sighs]
Sequoia: What is their common language? [Colin laughs]
Kim: Magic!
Colin: That is a great point.
Sequoia: That’s my only problem.
Colin: How are they communicating? [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Everybody does it. Sort of.” [pause] Everybody manipulates their staircases.
Sequoia: [laughing] Everyone…
Colin: Everybody manipulates their staircase.
Sequoia: …manipulates their staircases.
Kim: If you know what I mean if you know what I… [retches] [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: The… [laughs]
Kim: “That’s beside the point. I’ve never…” The termperature within rose in embarrassment.
Sequoia: Just the who… the temperature…
Kim: The whole…
Sequoia: …in the entire castle!
Colin: [laughing] The whole castle!
Kim: Entire castle, yeah.
Colin: I like it. I like the anthropomorphisation of the castle.
Kim: Yeah, me too. [laughs] “I’ll go slow, I promise.”
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: He began…
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: …to caress a window…
Sequoia: Oh jeez! No!
Kim: …teasing it open. [Colin and Sequoia scream and laugh]
Colin: Oh no.
Kim: Hogwarts sighed. He relaxed, allowing a tentacle inside…
Sequoia: Noooo! [groans]
Kim: …where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! [Colin laughs]
Kim: Oh god.
Colin: Do you think the squid will find his room of requirement?
Sequoia: Eyyyyy!
Colin: Find out in chapter two!
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: Oh god.
Sequoia: Whooo!
Kim: So uncomfortable. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: The fact that YOU are uncomfortable reading this…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …almost makes it better.
Kim: Yeah. Does it?
Colin: Yes, that does make it better.
Sequoia: Well, here’s the thing, is, like, I would be more uncomfortable if you…
Kim: If I was into it?
Sequoia: …were less uncomfortable. [laughs] Yeah. But now I’m just, like, ah, look at her! [laughs]
Kim: I’m dying…
Sequoia: She’s dying!
Kim: …a little bit inside.
Colin: [laughing] The suffering!
Sequoia: It’s funny!
Kim: A little bit inside, he fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.
[pause]
Colin: Okay.
Kim: I don’t know what that means.
Colin: Yeah, I’m not sure… okay.
Kim: But there it is. [Sequoia laughs] Another sigh swept through the halls of Hogwarts. “Oh Merlin, that feels so good.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: That’s just… I just… the fact that somebody put this much thought…
Kim and Sequoia: …into…
Sequoia: …like, what would be…
Kim: …how…
Colin: [laughing] Exactly.
Sequoia: …pleasurable to the Hogwarts castle itself. [everyone laughs] Like, you know what? I bet… I bet if you just sucked on that floor a little bit…
Kim: Stick kind of… kinda the end of a tentacle onto the floor and just kinda pulled a little bit. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah, that doesn’t sound quite right, but fine. Whatever. Fuck it.
Sequoia: They thought really hard about it.
Kim: They did. His rapture turned to fright [Sequoia laughs] as he felt another tentacle work its way into a second window.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yep. Yep.
Colin: That is…
Sequoia: Saw that one coming.
Kim: “I don’t…” “Trust me, it’ll feel good. [Colin laughs] Remember this?” He pulled the suction cups [wobbly] a little harder [Sequoia laughs] and Hogwarts groaned. [cries] [Sequoia groans]
Colin: What is Filch doing? How is he feeling right now?
Kim: Uncomfortable.
Sequoia: No, he’s…
Kim: Probably confused. Confused, I would guess.
Sequoia: Or he’s into it.
Colin: He’s in… [laughs] he’s just…
Kim: [whines] He’s into Hogwarts…
Sequoia: I’m pretty sure he’s into it.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Colin: He’s… he’s jackin’ it real good. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s cool. Do you think… do you think it’s just Filch that’s home, or… I forget if anybody else is home. [sighs] The… probably house elves. Jesus fucking Christ!
Sequoia: Trelawney. Trelawney lives there.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: That’s her house.
Kim: Yep, Trelawney’s there.
Sequoia: Trelawney’s there.
Kim: House elves are there. Oh dear.
Colin: In my headcanon Snape lives there and drinks himself into a coma most days.
Kim: Sure.
Colin and Sequoia: Yeah.
Sequoia: That checks out.
Kim: That checks out. [Kim and Sequoia laugh] “Do that again.”
Sequoia: Jeez.
Kim: The giant squid complied, and as he did so, thrust his second tentacle in. [Colin laughs] Hogwarts shuddered, coming very close to ending the fun. [Colin and Sequoia laugh helplessly]
Sequoia: This… [laughter continues] people open and shut the windows of the castle all the time, I’m assuming!
Colin: Yeah, and he loves it.
Kim: Ugh, and yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
Sequoia: I’m never gonna look at a window…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: …the same. [Colin and Kim laugh] Ever again. [everyone laughs]
Kim: The giant squid backed off, unwilling to finish so soon.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Kim: He waited for Hogwarts to calm down before sending the the second tentacle to search the room.
Sequoia: [whispering] Jesus Christ.
Kim: He felt the need to fill Hogwarts as much as possible, and he raised another tentacle, caressing his outer walls, [Colin laughs] running along window sills, and tracing individual bricks.
Colin: [laughs] Well.
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: You can’t neglect the bricks.
Sequoia: You can’t… [laughs hysterically] I’m gonna just cry the rest of this episode. How’s that?
Kim: So caught up in the bliss, Hogwarts didn’t notice the giant squid slip in a third and fourth tentacle.
Colin: Ohhhh.
Sequoia: It’s a big castle.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Got a lot of windows.
Colin: Lot of windows.
Kim: You would… you would think that just one or two wouldn’t really… [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: You should ask before you put in another tentacle, though.
Sequoia: You… yes, that’s very true.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That’s true.
Sequoia: Giant squid.
Kim: Squid.
Colin: [laughing] Squid.
Kim: “This is incredible,” Hogwarts breathed.
Colin: [laughs] From where?
Sequoia: Yeah, it breathed?
Kim: With magic! [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: Just where is it… I just picture it echoing through the halls, like, softly. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: ‘Cause I feel like… I feel like there has been… specifics have been given to us, you know?
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Like, Hogwarts felt this deep down in the kitchen, you know?
Colin: In his kitchen.
Sequoia: And then you’re like… but we haven’t been given like a…
Kim: How it’s breathing.
Sequoia: …brain, or like a… you know, like a central…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …nervous system. [laughs]
Kim: It’s a castle. I don’t think it has a centr… it’s fine.
Colin: I always thought of Dumbledore’s office as the brain of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Kim: That checks out.
Sequoia: That checks out.
Colin: That’s probably where all this is happening.
Kim: No.
Colin: Mhm.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is all over the castle.
Colin: And the portraits, ‘cause we discussed this, are jackin’ it real good. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Every portrait is jackin’ off.
Sequoia: Every portrait is into it.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. “This isn’t even the best part.” [Colin laughs] He held up his two longest tentacles. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: [coughs and chokes] Oh god!
Sequoia: Oh my god. You killed Colin! [Kim laughs]
Colin: [still coughing] I’m dying! [coughs again] Dying! [keeps coughing] [Kim laughing]
Sequoia: He’s dri… he’s drinking a hot beverage.
Colin: [still coughing] Go on without me! [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Okay! [coughs more]
Kim: How wet is your keyboard? Did you spit everywhere?
Colin: No, I just inhaled. It’s fine. I’m alive. It’s good. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, this story is dangerous! [Colin laughs]
Kim: The two longest tentacles, guys.
Colin: Oh.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: “These can reach farther…”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “…than a room.”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “They can go into your hallways.”
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Colin: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Colin: That’s what it wants.
Kim: “I want them in me.”
Colin: Oh, okay. There we go. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: “Are you sure? They’re quite large.” [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: What if I cry? [Colin and Sequoia laugh] What if I cry?
Sequoia: Hey. Hey. Hey. Kim. Kim.
Colin: Is that what Hogwarts says?
Kim: No, that’s me. What if I cry? Yes, Sequoia?
Sequoia: My whole family listens to this podcast. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, I’m aware of that. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: I just wanted to remind you.
Kim: I was hanging out…
Sequoia: Because I felt like it would make you more uncomfortable.
Kim: I was hanging out with my little brother the other day and he made a Ginny get back in your box joke. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Really? [laughs]
Kim: I didn’t think he listened! [sobs]
Sequoia: He does!
Colin: He should not be listening. This has too many swears and… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah, right.
Colin: Amongst other things.
Sequoia: Too many swears for the kids.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: But just enough swears for my Gramma. Hi Gramma! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Hi Sequioa’s mom!
Colin: Sequoia’s Gramma loves the swears. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [sighs] “They’re quite large.”
Sequoia: [laughs] They’re quite large!
Kim: Apprehension rolled through his kitchen again.
Colin: [laughs] What’s the…
Sequoia: That’s just so specific. I don’t understand.
Colin: Yeah, what’s the significance of the kitchen?
Sequoia: Exactly!
Kim: It’s like… I… I… I assume it’s kinda like his stomach.
Colin: Oh, okay. Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
Sequoia: Okay. Well, that checks out.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah. That does check out. We’re stupid. Oh yeah, okay. [laughs]
Colin: We’re idiots. [laughs]
Kim: While he was deciding, the giant squid forced another tentacle in.
Colin: Forced? Well, it did say it wanted it. Okay.
Kim: “You have three tentacles left to decide.” “What happens if I don’t?” In response, the giant squid slid a sixth into another window. [Colin laughs] “Two,” he said simply, and with a hint of warning.
[pause]
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Colin: Hmmm. [laughs]
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ, this next sentence, guys. This next sentence. [laughs] [inhales] [cries] [Colin laughs] Hogwarts…
Colin: The crying podcast.
Kim: Hogwarts could take them all. He knew he could. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] But… [Sequoia laughs again] but what would the other wizarding schools think? [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Listen, Hogwarts, don’t let those other wizarding schools shame you.
Kim: Yeah!
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: That’s lame.
Colin: They’re just jealous that they don’t have a magical creature to take care of their hallway needs. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly. Maybe they do ha… [laughs] have a creature, but not, you know…
Kim: Not as…
Sequoia: Not long enough tentacles to reach the hallways…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …I think…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …was the material point on that.
Kim: Sure. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] [sighs] Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not. She’s a a fucking prude. That’s not in the story. I added that. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, she’s stuck up. [laughs]
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: Fucking prude. If Durmstrang ever found out, there’d be no end of teasing.
Colin: Durmstrang is secretly into it.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Durmstrang’s into it.
Colin: Secretly very submissive.
Sequoia: Really into it.
Colin and Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Durmstrang’s got like four squids. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Sure. Why not? [Colin and Sequoia laugh] The giant squid grew impatient, and slid a seventh tentacle into a window, followed immediately by an eighth.
Colin: Ohhh!
Sequoia: What would really be the cherry on top of the cake for this story is if somehow the the author, like, decided that… that the squid had like ten ten… [Kim and Sequoia laugh] like twelve tentacles. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Well, it’s got… it’s got… it showed Hogwarts its two longest tentacles. How many tentacles does it have?
Colin: Squids have ten.
Sequoia: It said… it said… it said eight.
Colin: Oh.
Kim: So it has eight in the castle right now.
Colin: [laughs] Yes.
Kim: And it has two long ones that I don’t know if they’re in there already and they can just extend farther…
Sequoia: Really, I have a lot of questions about the mechanics. [laughs]
Colin: Well, no, I think it checks out, because squids have two hunting ten… gi… giant squids have two…
Kim: Ohhh, somebody…
Sequoia: This is…
Colin: …long tentacles…
Kim: Oh no. Oh no.
Colin: …that they use for hunting.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: So I think it all checks out. I am a…
Kim: Colin.
Colin: I am a squid biologist, so don’t worry.
Kim: Cool. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, we brought Colin on because he’s a squid biologist. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, that’s true.
Sequoia: Just to really get us through the mechanics of this… this… this.
Colin: Yeah. You guys seen The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife, that Japanese woodblock print?
Kim: Colin! “Two. One. Time’s up and you didn’t decide.” [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no!
Kim: “What? But that’s not fair!” “It’s a simple answer, yes or no. [jerkily] Now… now I’ll have to punish you.” [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: This is…
Kim: How’s my reading? Is it good?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Am I doing it right?
Sequoia: You sound like you’re about to vomit.
Kim: [laughs] I am.
Sequoia: So…
Colin: You sound very uncomfortable.
Kim: What if I vomit? And with that he st… [pause] [sighs] And with that, he struck Hogwarts square on the outer wall with a paddle like tentacle. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: A paddle like tentacle!?
Colin: [laughing] Okay.
Sequoia: This is… you know, that’s reaching. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Colin: Yeah, I think it… I don’t know.
Kim: No, wait, this next part.
Colin: Oh no.
Sequoia: That part specifically. That’s reaching.
Kim: You think the paddle like tentacle’s a reach? Wait for this. Hogwarts yelped and tried to squirm away, but the tentacles and his foundation held firm.
Sequoia: Yeah, and his foundation! It’s a building! [laughs]
Kim: Hogwarts, where are you going? [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Fuck. The giant squid struck him with the other. Again and again he spanked the naughty wizarding school [Colin laughs] until he sobbed for the giant squid to stop, and still he spanked.
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: They forgot to agree on a safe word before they started this.
Colin and Sequoia: They did.
Colin: They should have set some boundaries.
Sequoia: That… yeah, that is…
Kim: Maybe… maybe…
Sequoia: …an oversight by the squid.
Kim: Oh, no, ‘cause this is their first time. Yeah, no, come on squid. Be cool!
Colin: Yeah.
[pause]
Kim: [sighs] [Colin laughs] The giant squid finally stopped…
Colin: Wizard consent.
Kim: …but Hogwarts… yeah, right? But Hogwarts didn’t have time for a reprieve before the giant squid forced his extra long spanking tentacles…
Sequoia: That’s… as a squid biologist…
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: …I have a question about the extra long spanking tentacle. [laughs]
Colin: [laughing] The extra long spanking tentacles. As a squid biologist, that’s a trade secret. I actually can’t go into any detail…
Sequoia: The… oh, you can’t reveal…
Colin: …about the spanking tentacles. No. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Well, I guess we don’t have any anwsers here, folks, only more questions. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: The giant squid forced his extra long spanking tentacles into two separate windows. They…
Sequoia: Wait, are the spanking tentacles the same as the the long tentacles?
Kim: The long ones.
Colin: I have to assume so.
Sequoia: Just… yeah.
Kim: They’re long and paddle like.
[pause]
Sequoia: Good.
Colin: Good, good.
Kim: They slid through the room and forced the doors open. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, we’re going into the hallways! [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: The tentacles were in the halls now, massaging the long stone tunnels.
[pause]
Colin: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yep. Anybody got… anybody got anything?
Kim: No.
Colin: No.
Sequoia: Except for tears.
Colin: No, just tears. Of joy. Tears of joy.
Kim: “This is incredible,” the giant squid thought he really should have done this ages ago. [Colin laughs] Every tentacle was in a different window.
Sequoia: Big castle.
Colin: Big hall… big castle.
Sequoia: [laughing] Big castle.
Kim: No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies…
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Kim: …she’d made could hold all tentacles at once.
Sequoia: Oh god! [Colin laughs]
Kim: Or, all ten tentacles at once. [Colin still laughing]
Sequoia: I really hoped we’d never get back to the schoolgirls. [Colin and Kim laugh]
Colin: [laughing] Yeah, I had hoped we’d left that.
Sequoia: That was like my one ask.
Kim: Yeah. Each one moved differently and with a different pace, driving Hogwarts crazy with the inability to match his speed. [sighs]
Sequoia: What? What?
Colin: What?
Sequoia: Did…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What…
Colin: [laughs] What does that mean?
Sequoia: What does that…?
Kim: We’re almost to the end, my dudes.
Sequoia: Okay, just… [Colin laughing] just…
Kim: He felt that familiar feeling and doubled his efforts. Ink expoloded…
Sequoia: Agggghhhh!
Kim: …all over Hogwarts…
Sequoia: Ohhhh god!
Kim: …some finding its way into the windows.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: He unified his tentacles somewhat, completely focused on Hogwarts. He must be close. [Colin laughs helplessly]
Sequoia: Ugh, what if i vomit?
Kim: Then it happened.
Sequoia: Noooo!
Kim: Water shot out of faucets, toilets… [Sequoia shouts with laughter] [Colin laughs] Toilets overflowed…
Sequoia: Noo!
Kim: …and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house elves exploded.
Colin: [laughs] The bread exploded?!
Sequoia: Bread?!
Kim: [laughs] I don’t understand what happened.
Sequoia: Why did the bread explode? [Colin laughs]
Kim: It… it… it just did. It did. That happened. Hogwarts shook violently to his foundations, rousing Filch from bed and sending house elves and Mrs. Norris scrambling for cover. Even Hagrid heard the groan of stone and came running.
Colin: [gulps] While he was running?
[pause]
Kim: What?
Colin: Nothing.
Kim: Oh, god, fuck you!
Colin: Never mind.
Sequoia: Oh Colin! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Everyone in a ten mile vicinity came violently. No, that’s not in the story. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Guuhhhhhh! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Jesus Christ!
Kim: They searched around the castle and through the castle, but found no sign of intruders. Most perplexing was the sticky ink on one side of the castle. Hagrid peered toward… peered through the dark toward the lake, but was unable to see the ripples left in the wake of the giant squid. The giant squid slipped beneath the waves, wanting to grin, even though his beak was incapable. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: What the… ju… what is… what is that?
Colin: We didn’t get any beak action.
Kim: He has a… a beak. I…
Sequoia: As a squid biologist. [laughs]
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: [sighs] He anticipated a very short summer before the professors and students returned, so he had better make the most of it. The end [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: This is, like, a summer fling.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah. [sighs]
Sequoia: Ohhh man.
Colin: I think I need to go take a shower now, but I can’t.
Kim: Yeah, I…
Colin: Because I’m afraid of water. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: I don’t wanna look at windows or…
Kim: I don’t wanna look at…
Sequoia: …faucets.
Kim: Anything. I can’t look at anything.
Sequoia: Hallways are out.
Colin: Hallways are out. [laughs]
Kim: Windows.
Sequoia: The floor.
Kim: We’ve got another one, my dudes. [Sequoia groans]
Colin: More… more… more squid action?
Kim: Course we do. Yes.
Colin: Mmm.
Sequoia: Why do you hate me? [Colin laughs]
[pause]
Colin: I think that… that should be obvious by now. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Yeah, I couldn’t think of an answer to that.
Sequoia: Aaahhhhhhh.
Kim: Okay, so before I get into this one, I… I have some questions, actually. So that story that I just read on fan… is on fanfiction.net, and it was published in 2006.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This next one I’m about to read is on Archive of Our Own and the published date is set to 2003, but this one claims to be a sequel to a story called The Squid and the Hogwarts parentheses (They are the Happy), which is a story I was not able to find anywhere on the internet, which implies to me that there have been at least two squid/Hogwarts fics written ever.
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: I’m surprised it’s only two.
Sequoia: Yeah, well…
Kim: Yeah, well…
Sequoia: …is… is…?
Kim: Two… two… I guess at least two.
Colin: Mm.
Sequoia: So there’s always the original, right? There’s like…
Kim: The original.
Sequoia: …the original.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That comes up with this thing, and fanfiction is like, what the fuck? And then they’re like, yeah, let’s DO it. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Yeah. So the original may have been…
Sequoia: May have been…
Kim: May have originated in 2003, but I can’t find it. If anyone can help me with this…
Sequoia: Yeah, if anyone can fi… what was it called?
Kim: The Squid and the Hogwarts, parentheses, (They are the Happy). [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: They are the happy. I…
Sequoia: Oh man.
Colin: I’m always saying that. They are the happy.
Sequoia: Yeah. They are the happy.
Kim: It’s from 2003, so if anyone can explain this to me, help. But this one, I… well, the first time I read this I thought… I assumed it was a sequel to First Encounter, obviously, but it’s not, so…
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: I’m gonna read it now anyway, though. So if you haven’t head for this next story I want you to tweet a prediction of what the squid’s about to have sex with at us. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh! Yeah. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Do… do send that in if you don’t know what this story is. I think Colin and Sequoia both know, because I’ve talked about this, because I was so excited to have found it.
Sequoia: I am so…
Kim: Do you know, Colin? Do you remember?
Colin: No?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: You predict…
Colin: Maybe when you read the…
Kim: Guess what the squid’s about to have sex with.
Colin: What’s the title?
Kim: It’s called Squid Finds a New Love.
Colin: I don’t remember this. Okay, so the squid…
Kim: How about… okay, here’s a hint. It’s a crossfic.
[pause]
Colin: What?
Kim: It’s a crossover fanfic.
Colin: What? What? [laughs]
Kim: So we’re gonna cross over into a different…
Colin: Different universe.
Kim: …property. A different… a different thing, and the squid’s gonna have sex with something.
Colin: When was it written?
Kim: 2003.
Colin: 2003. Okay, um. Okay, um, okay. Um. [Sequoia laughs] The… the TARDIS. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Sweet. That’s a great prediction.
Kim: All right. That’s a good guess. That’s a good guess.
[pause]
Sequoia: Fucking just do it! I can’t believe you made this whole month into the fucking squid.
Kim: [singing] Squid month! Happy anniversary to Sequoia [Colin laughs] from me!
Sequoia: Gross. I hate you. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Oooh, look what you made me do! [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no. [laughs]
Kim: All right, let’s get into Squid Finds a New Love. The squid was hurt. Not angry, no, but hurt. Hogwarts had rejected him.
Sequoia: Oh wow!
Colin: [laughs] What is this?
Sequoia: This is a new narrative.
Kim: The joining had been exquisite, but Squid knew even as he reached his squishy calamari climax…
Colin: [laughs] Mmmmmm. [laughs]
Sequoia: Calamari’s out now!
Kim: Fuck. [everyone laughs] …that it meant nothing to Hogwarts. Less than nothing. Hogwarts was beautiful, and Squid was just a squid.
Sequoia: Oh wow! Oh no!
Kim: Now we feel bad for Squid. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: I did feel bad for Squid when I thought they wanted to be a Shakespearean actor, okay?
Kim: Yeah, that was a very brief feel bad, though. [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Squid slunk off into the distance, nursing his three broken hearts.
Colin: Aww.
Sequoia: Awww.
Kim: Some day…
Sequoia: Wait, is that real squid… biologist… squid biologist? Three hearts?
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs]
Kim: Cool, thanks. Some day, somehow, Squid knew he would find a tower to love. A tower…
Sequoia: A tower?
Kim: We’ll get there.
Sequoia: Oh. Come on, Colin.
Kim: A great tower. A really big tower.
Sequoia: Tower.
Colin: Oh, two thousand…
Kim: Much better than any of Hogwarts’s towers. Yeah, we’re in 2003, Colin.
Colin: It’s 2003, so it’s gonna be… it’s gonna… is it Isengard? [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Is it though?
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Is it? [Kim and Sequoia laugh hysterically and at length]
Kim: Squid knew now that floo powder was never to be used by invertebrates, or perhaps just not by things with tentactles. Hagrid had tried to tell him, but he wouldn’t listen. He was too faint with misery, too weak with depression, to care.
Sequoia: So he took floo powder.
Kim: He’s gonna go somewhere.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: He’s sad.
Sequoia: He’s sad.
Kim: He has to look at Hogwarts, and Hogwarts has rejected him.
Sequoia: Okay. It was just a one time thing, yeah.
Kim: [sighs] He had begged Hagrid, using his tentacles to draw shapes in the air charades style… [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, he can speak directly to the building.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Great. Okay. Cool, cool, cool. But not…
Colin: Makes sense, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: …charades style to let him use the floo powder to go home. Home…
Sequoia: Home?
Kim: …to the ocean, to the deep sea, where he could nurse his wounds and learn to love again. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Colin: Aw.
Kim: That’s sad.
Sequoia: Beautiful.
Kim: This is sad.
Sequoia: This is very sad.
Kim: My friends. It had been a grievous error.
Sequoia: Oh no. [Colin laughs]
Kim: Squid stared out at the doorway with the runes. He didn’t recognise the writing. Then again, he’d never learned to read in the first place. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: Okay, fair.
Sequoia: Just to communicate with buildings. Sorry, I can’t… I really cannot get over that logistic. [Colin laughs]
Kim: It’s magic! Jesus.
Colin: He speaks masonry, just not English. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this isn’t English.
Colin: Ah yes. Elvish.
Kim: A small pebble struck Squid in the head. Squid recoiled, wondering what he had done to deserve that. As he pondered, another small pebble struck him in the head, and then a third in his tentacle. Squid was heartbroken, travel weary, and not in any mood to be struck with pebbles. He lashed out. The screaming was exquisite, and he began to wonder exactly what he might be able to do with all those tentacles, when pfff! He felt a sharp tearing pain. Tentacle after tentacle was sheared off, and then he felt the small piercing pains in his head. This was too much. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Wait, what the fuck…
Colin: What the F?
Sequoia: …is going on?
Colin: Yeah. All of his tent…
Kim: You know what universe we’re in.
Sequoia: Yeah, but here’s the thing.
Kim: He didn’t make it to the… he hasn’t made it to the tower yet. He’s somewhere else, in a different part of…
Sequoia: I’m just confused because he doesn’t know what’s going on.
Kim: Yeah, he’s appeared in a big lake…
Colin: Ahhh!
Kim: …and somebody’s throwing rocks at him…
Colin: Ahhh! [laughs]
Kim: …and started shooting him with…
Colin: Ahhh!
Sequoia: Ohhhh!
Colin: This is a great crossover.
Kim: There’s a doorway with runes on it.
Colin: Yes!
Sequoia: I see where he is.
Colin: At the gates of Moria! [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. [everyone laughs] I get it now.
Kim: This was too much. He dropped…
Sequoia: This is too much. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. He dropped back into the water, leaving his tiny but theoretically delicious prey, and swam away. There would be revenge.
Sequoia: Why is the squid so, like, bloodthirsty? [laughs]
Kim: They shot at him!
Sequoia: Goddamn.
Colin: They did shoot at him.
Sequoia: He was like… but then he was like, oh man, I guess I’ll have to leave whatever delicious snack on the shore.
Colin: It was too much trouble.
Kim: Hobbits are delicious. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Colin: That’s true.
Kim: Squid had nearly recovered from his battle wounds. He had swum for days, perhaps weeks. Squid had never been very good at telling time. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Just like one hour.
Kim: Rivers, oceans, perhaps… it’s actually probably been months. [laughs] Rivers, oceans, perhaps an underground pool or two. He had finally found a place to hide, one large enough to contain his not inconsiderable volume. He was bitter, yes. Heartbroken, struck by pebbles, hacked at with swords, and pierced by arrows. Surely that would make any invertebrate bitter.
Colin: Yeah. I agree.
Kim: He was, however, a hopeful squid. An optimistic squid.
Sequoia: Awww. [Colin laughs]
Kim: He knew that given time he could, nay would, love again.
Sequoia: Awww yeah!
Colin: Yay.
Sequoia: Yeah, you get out there Squid.
Colin: I’m definitely rooting for Squid this time, so…
Kim and Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: I was not before.
Kim: No. [laughs]
Sequoia: But here we are. [laughs]
Kim: Squid’s…
Colin: Optimistic Squid would be a good band name, so you can go ahead…
Sequoia: Oooohh.
Kim: And… yeah.
Sequoia: And form a band.
Colin: Yeah, go… go ahead and put that in your vault of band names.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: That I assume everyone has.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: His watery realm shifted suddenly, and Squid was rushed out in the open in a torrent of water, too fast and harsh to contemplate.
Sequoia: Ohhh. I see.
Kim: “Not again!” he thought despairingly. [Colin laughs] But then he saw it. It was beautiful. [someone snorts] So tall, so black, and those ridges! [Colin and Sequoia laugh] Squid’s hearts were truly lost. Squid launched itself at the tower [laughs] mindful not to knock over any of the giant…
Sequoia: Woah!
Kim: …ambulatory trees surrounding it.
Sequoia: It’s just like, fuck you! [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: No, it’s… it’s avoiding the trees. [Colin laughs] He wrapped tentacles around the tower…
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: …asking without words if the tower might possibly like Squid. The tower didn’t say no.
Colin: That’s not a yes!
Sequoia: Oh no.
Colin: Squid!
Sequoia: That’s not… that’s a… squid!
Colin: Squid, come on. [Kim laughs] I was rooting for you.
Sequoia: We were rooting for you!
Kim: The squid could only hope that this tower would be kinder to him than Hogwarts. [Colin laughs] The tower, for its part, was touched in more ways than one.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus!
Colin: Oh, yeah, we didn’t need that, author.
Sequoia: We didn’t need it ‘cause we knew. [laughs]
Colin: We… [laughs]
Sequoia: We read into the like… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Since the white wizard’s ascent to power, everyone had looked upon it with distrust. It was not really an evil tower. It wasn’t…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: It’s not the tower’s…
Sequoia: The tower is a good tower. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: It wasn’t its fault that the white wizard was using it for his own nefarious schemes.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: It had even tried to help rescue the grey wizard from captivity, though…
Sequoia: Oh.
Colin: Oh.
Kim: …the grey wizard would no doubt credit the moth and the eagle for the eventual rescue.
Sequoia: Fuckin’ eagles. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Fuck those eagles, man.
Sequoia: [laughs] They coulda just flown them to Mordor [laughing] the whole fucking time! [laughs]
Kim: Sequoia, what podcast is this?
Sequoia: [laughing] This is the Swiftcast! [everyone laughs at length]
Kim: It wanted to be a good tower, a kindly tower, and knew that some day it could be again, if only someone would believe in it.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: And the squid believed.
Sequoia: Those ridges. [laughs] Really… they really getcha.
Kim: Uh huh. Love had been built on less. The end.
Sequoia: Wow!
Colin: What?
Sequoia: That was…
[pause]
Colin: That was mercifully brief. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Thank you.
Colin: Thank you for not going into detail, author.
Sequoia: Yep. [Kim laughs] Yep.
Kim: The squid has learned to love again.
Colin: I’m glad for Squid. Ridges for Squid’s pleasure.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ridges for… [laughs]
Kim: That is a big tower, too.
Colin: Big boy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ohhhhh. [everyone sighs] I just…
Colin: Heavy sigh.
Sequoia: God. I’m not gonna be able to… I have to go to work after this. [Colin and Kim laugh] To, like, act normally around regular human beings for the rest of my fucking day. [Colin and Kim still laughing]
Kim: Yeah, I think I’m gonna, like, curl up in a ball and just cry for a little while. [everyone laughs] Just cry for a couple hours. That’s my plan.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Thank you for listening.
Colin: That was good.
Sequoia: Do you…
Kim: How do we feel?
Sequoia: Was it?
Kim: Do we feel okay? I guess we just said we don’t.
Sequoia: We don’t feel okay.
Colin: No, I feel…
Sequoia: We’re never gonna feel okay again.
Colin: I feel a little upset.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: I feel unsettled.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I’m just very worried about opening windows. [Kim snorts] Here.
Kim: We have to walk… we have to walk…
Kim and Sequoia: …through a…
Sequoia: …doorway.
Kim: …closed door, and then out into… oh jeez.
Sequoia: Yeah, we gotta… I gotta walk through several hallways today! [everyone laughs] Oh god. Do you have a recommendation so that the people may, I don’t know, get something better? [laughs]
Colin: The more… the more i think about it the less I like that… that Hogwarts…
Kim: Yeah?
Colin: …misses having a bunch of kids walking around inside of it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: I’m really homing in on… on… on that there detail, and that’s gonna keep me up. I don’t like that one bit. [Sequoia laughs] That bothers me a lot. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: It should. It should.
Kim: I mean, it’s not…
Sequoia: It should bother all of you.
Kim: It’s not constantly shaking and gushing though, so I assume… I assume that’s like a non sexual…
Colin: Isn’t it? Hogwarts is moving around… it’s moving its stairways all the time. It’s creaking, and…
Kim: It does move its staircases a lot.
Sequoia: It does move its staircases a lot!
Kim: Look, the less… the less we think about this the better for all of us.
Colin: Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: Give us a recommendation. I don’t wanna think about this any more. [Colin and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Today I’m recommmending a Wolfstar series. It’s called the Stealing Harryverse. It’s an AU where Sirius and Remus rescue Harry from the Dursleys. I’ve only read it up until Harry goes to school, but I really enjoyed it; it’s super fun, and there’s some good smut, blah blah blah. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: The end. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Cool, cool, cool.
Colin: Great recommendation.
Kim: So a link to the first story in that series will be in the description, along with on our website.
Sequoia: Yes. On our website you can find our story submission form. Send us… [sighs]
Kim: Don’t send us First Encounter any more!
Sequoia: Don’t send us… don’t send us First Encounter any more.
Kim: We did it!
Sequoia: A). [Colin laughs] B), don’t send… I don’t want this to be a call out into the void for you to send…
Kim: You’re wrong.
Sequoia: …Kim more squid shit.
Kim: No! No!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I need…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: People keep sending you cat shit.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Not actual cat shit. Hmm.
Sequoia: People do keep sending me cat shit, and it’s great, and continue to do that.
Kim: No, don’t send cat shit!
Sequoia: However, do not send Kim [laughing] any more squid shit. [Colin laughs] We’re not… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t.
Kim: Send me…
Sequoia: I can’t.
Kim: Send me… send me all the squid stuff. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: You can find our story submission form on our website. Also on our website you can find…
Kim: The new rules.
Sequoia: …the new rules for predictions.
Kim: Also our old merch.
Sequoia: Our old merch.
Kim: And a link to our new merch.
Sequoia: Our new merch. You can find us on [laughing] social media.
Kim: Sorry, I am…
Sequoia: Where… wooo!
Kim: I am broken.
Sequoia: What is ha… I can’t…
Kim: My brain is not here.
Sequoia: My whole… I feel like…
Kim: I think I… I think I like…
Colin: You guys okay?
Kim: I think I’m having an out of body experience. I left… I left like half an hour ago. [everyone laughs at length] Maybe more like forty five minutes ago. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Ahhhh! Ughhh!
Kim: Been gone a long time.
Sequoia: Ughhhhh! [everyone still laughing]
Colin: Is this the show? [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] [chokes] I want to expel that out of my body somehow. [Kim laughs]
Colin: Yeah, I kinda wanna turn myself inside out a little bit. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Yoouuuuu… [laughs]
Colin: And then just get rid of all that… [Sequoia snorts] get rid of all the gunk.
Kim: Shake that out of me.
Colin: And be clean again.
Sequoia: Just like [screaming] bleaghhhhh!
Kim: Send us, uh, some thoughts on social media.
Sequoia: Tweet at us or something.
Kim: Twitter, Instagram, Face…
Kim and Sequoia: …book.
Sequoia: @FanaticalFics. You can also shoot us an email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com, with your longer little thoughts.
Kim: We have a PO box as well, so mail us some whatever.
Sequoia: Mail us something. [laughs] I ca… if you wanna help the podcast, please leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We will resume the shouts out… the shouting… the out shou…
Kim: Yeah, we had…
Sequoia: The shouting.
Kim: We had too much shit at the top of this episode.
Sequoia: We couldn’t do it this time. Too much. But also…
Kim: Recommend us to everone you meet.
Sequoia: Trick your barista 2019.
Colin: Trick your friends 2019.
Sequoia: Yes! [laughs]
Kim: Exactly. Also check out our new Patreon.
Sequoia: Yes, do that, especially if you are already a patron, ‘cause your things have changed, so… [laughs]
Kim: Everything’s different, sorry not sorry.
Sequoia: Everything’s different, buddy. Cool.
Kim: Our continuing and everlasting thanks to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song; it’s Wolfstar from their album 1975.
Sequoia: Thanks so much.
Kim: Thanks for coming on, Colin. I’m sorry I did this to all of us.
Colin: Nope, that was good.
Kim: But not sorry enough to not have done it. [laughs]
Colin: That’s good. Can I plug my podcast?
Sequoia: Yeah, tell us about your stuff.
Colin: I didn’t know if you wanted me to. Yeah, I’m…
Sequoia: Of course.
Colin: Hey guys, I’m Colin. [Kim and Sequoia snort]
Sequoia: Jesus fucking Christ.
Colin: You know me. You know…
Sequoia: Never mind. Stop! [laughs]
Colin: I’m a podcaster. Hey, it’s me, your pal Colin. This one is for all the Colin heads out there, and I just wanted to tell you that, as always, you can support me by just taking a twenty dollar bill, splitting open a schoolgirl, and…
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh god! [Kim laughs] Wow! I have never hated you so much. [everyone laughs] This moment right now.
Colin: No, I’m Colin, you can support me by going to a… the nearest precipice, the highest precipice you can find and just shouting, “Calamari climax!” [Kim and Sequoia laugh] into the air as loud as you possibly can. Also my wife and I and a very close friend…
Kim: My wife.
Colin: …of the three of us on this current podcast…
Sequoia: Yes.
Colin: …and the four of us including my wife have a podcast called Remedial Sex Ed, which I believe is something that a lot of our dear dear fanfiction authors could… could use…
Kim: Yeah, this…
Colin: Could use listening to. Could need some of that.
Kim: One in particular. Wowie zowie!
Sequoia: Yeah, very pertinent on several… [laughs] on several… several…
Colin: It’s pretty good. It’s a new podcast. We’re still learning. Did you guys know that having a podcast is actually a lot of hard work?
Kim: I had no idea.
Sequoia: I had never heard that before.
Colin: [laughs] So yeah.
Sequoia: I’m not dying. [laughs]
Colin: Remedial Sex Ed. We’re… you know, you can find us wherever pods are cast. We’re on… we’re on the soc meds as @RemedialSexEd, so just, you know…
Kim: Go look at Colin.
Sequoia: Go look at Colin.
Colin: Don’t look at me.
Sequoia: Go listen to Colin.
Kim: He’s good.
Colin: Go listen to my voice.
Kim: He’s enough.
Colin: We did… we have a Stonewall episode out that is really good.
Kim: Oh, cool.
Colin: That I recommend you listen to, and…
Sequoia: Nice.
Colin: …we also haave a… a… we do have an episode where we talk about hentai [Kim laughs] in the Japanese Style episode, so…
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: …give that one…
Kim: Go check that out.
Sequoia: So relevant!
Colin: So relevant.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or check out the one on consent! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly! Exactly.
Colin: Yes, also listen to the very first episode on consent.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool.
Colin: I’m done plugging. Thank you for…
Sequoia: All right kids, thanks for listening. Don’t put your tentacles where they don’t belong.
All: Byeeeeeee!