Episode 50: 20,000 Kisses Under the Lake
We can pretty much guarantee that you’re going to get more points than Sequoia, who needs to be physically holding her coffee throughout the episode.
Recommendation: Intelligent Conversations
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1661579/1/Intelligent-Conversations
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Zoë
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Hey, how many wizard Pokémon do you have?
Sequoia: A million.
Kim: ‘Cause I… I have seven hundred twenty one regular Pokémon, so I’m wondering where I’m supposed to exchange those for my wizard Pokémon.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, um… [pause] [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a podcast about Harry Potter [singing] fanfiction!
Sequoia: Fiction! Fictionuh!
Kim: Fictionuh! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Welcome to the podcast, folks. Man. You guys. [Kim snorts] We have got some stuff to talk about today, because…
Kim: Whew!
Sequoia: …we put out this listener survey and you are delivering!
Kim: You definitely… I was so surprised by the response. I was like, yeah, Sequoia’s putting up a survey, we’re gonna get like ten responses. [Sequoia laughs] I guess there are a lot more of you then I think there are.
Sequoia: I know that there are a lot of you, and I’m like, oh yeah, here we go. The survey, there are some people responding to it, and you’re like whaaaaat?
Kim: There’s more than five responses and one of them is Colin? [Sequoia laughs] They’re all just Colin?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh J.D.’s in there too?
Sequoia: Oh yeah. The ones we could pick out by sight immediately. Colin and J.D. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Anyway.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: There was some Marcus Flint in there too.
Sequoia: Oh that’s true! We got some #FlintWood in there. [Kim laughs] Yeah, those are three immediately recognizable people.
Kim: Very easy.
Sequoia: [laughs] So here you go. You… you guys, we’re gonna talk about the survey. We’re gonna talk about what you guys have given to us. This gift. This present…
Kim: Of your responses.
Sequoia: …of your responses. If you haven’t filled out the survey yet…
Kim: Do that.
Sequoia: …do that. It is on our website. It is in the description of this episode. It is periodically on Twitter throughout the week. It is on Instagram. I’m puttin’ it everywhere. Because I want more. [Kim snorts] I want more of this thing that’s happening.
Kim: I mean, what we’ve gotten so far is great.
Sequoia: It’s so good, I can’t. So we’re gonna start out… [pause] I have to be holding my coffee. And it’s… [laughs] it’s causing me a little bit of a…
Kim: We’re not doin’ this one at bedtime, folks!
Sequoia: Oh, nope! We’re doing this one in the morning, but I...
Kim: It’s not morning.
Sequoia: Is it not morning?
Kim: It’s like, noon, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Ohhh, fuck. It’s like noon.
Kim: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Sequoia: I was out ‘til three am.
Kim: [mimicking Sequoia] I was out ‘til three am!
Sequoia: It’s fine.
Kim: I went to bed at like ten. I’m doing great.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, god.
Kim: Wooo!
Sequoia: I’m trying to live the life of a young person and just clearly failing. So here we are. Got this coffee. I have to keep it in my hands at all times.
Kim: You’re just not dabbin’ on the eaters long enough. [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: [laughing] Jesus fucking Christ! Okay, great. So we’re gonna start out by talking about your Hogwarts houses, folks. I have… I was harping on the fact that we didn’t have any Gryffindor listeners for a little while.
Kim: I mean, we still… it looks like we still are almost… it’s way less.
Sequoia: It’s our least… Slytherin and Gryffindor are the least. And Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, every time I check, they’re like battling it out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: One will get higher, and then the other one will get higher, and then the other one will get higher, so I mean, I appreciate… I feel like there’s a certain part of Harry Potter fandom where hardcore people refused to pick Gryffindor or Slytherin for a while.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm.
Sequoia: ‘Cause they were like, wow, fuckin’ mainstream. You know? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, that was… those houses were too mainstreaaam.
Sequoia: They were too mainstream. And I’m really sorry… Hufflepuffs, I’m really sorry about your Vans. I’m sorry about them.
Kim: Yeah, that was rough, dude. That’s…
Sequoia: I apologize for the world. But we are mostly at Ravenclaws right now.
Kim: Are we?
Sequoia: Yes. Ravenclaws are winning.
Kim: Winning?
Sequoia: Is that how it goes? Is that what that says? That’s…?
Kim: I don’t think it’s a winning thing.
Sequoia: No? We should just make them fight?
Kim: No. This is just… this is just information for us, so that we know how to tailor our podcast better for… [laughs] I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.
Sequoia: Here’s the thing, is I asked all these questions where I’m like, hey, pick one of these four options.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I keep getting these graphs that are like, twenty five percent, twenty five percent, twenty five percent, twenty five percent, and I’m like, this is very helpful. [laughs]
Kim: They’re like, yes, we would like all of those things.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: You should have done, like, ranked choice voting, dude.
Sequoia: I should’ve.
Kim: They only got one option, didn’t they?
Sequoia: They did only get one option.
Kim: Hmmmmmm.
Sequoia: Here. We’re learning here at the podcast, constantly learning how to not be terrible at this thing. [sighs]
Kim: You know what’s not terrible, though? [laughing] The distillation of your souls into objects!
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh yeah! Whoo! Okay, I love that this is an old enough reference…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …that some people don’t know what it is.
Kim: Yeah! Okay, here’s the thing though. That’s… the people that are like, excuse me? You wanna know what? [Sequoia laughs] That is the correct answer to that question, I think?
Sequoia: It is. Yeah. It is the correct answer. Still. Even if you know what the reference is.
Kim: If you don’t… if you don’t remember, episode number somethin’.
Both: Pinhead Percy.
Kim: Is where that’s from.
Sequoia: So we’ve gotten some really, really fun ones on there. I think, still, after two hundred twenty four responses, my favorite response is still a single Cheez-it. [laughs]
Kim: That is solid gold.
Sequoia: It’s very good.
Kim: Solid gold.
Sequoia: You guys are very funny. Oh, man.
Kim: [laughs] I saw potato was on there a couple times.
Sequoia: Several times! [both laugh]
Kim: How is that…
Sequoia: Multiple people said potato.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of like, bed, blanket, pillow, sort of scenario.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, we’ve got some… we got some comfy boys.
Sequoia: Sort of sleepy… [laughing] yeah, we’ve got some comfy… some real comfy listeners. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Oh, man.
Sequoia: I don’t remember what I said what mine was. Because we said what ours were like an episode or two after we did Pinhead Percy. And yours was…
Both: …a chicken carcass full of bees!
Kim: Because that’s what you are. That’s the picture that comes up when you call me. Is the picture of you looking up sat next to a chicken carcass…
Both: …full of bees! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’m sorry mom. [Kim laughs] Oh, man.
Kim: I don’t remember what mine was. I’m gonna go with a single Cheez-it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, thank you for that one, guys. We’ve been learning a lot about your Draco true pairings.
Kim: Yeah, I… okay, so I don’t want to influence your responses.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Pick what’s in your heart.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But Drarry is winning.
Sequoia: Drarry is… by a landslide.
Kim: By a… by a HUGE margin.
Sequoia: And we agree.
Kim: Do we?
Sequoia: Ehhh. There’s also some also… some really good alternatives to Drarry that have been presented.
Kim: There are some very good alternatives. I don’t want to present those just yet.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I don’t want to influence them.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Right, right, right, right.
Kim: I need the answer that’s in your heart.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’ll… we’ll get to those in the next couple episodes.
Kim: But there are some very good ones.
Sequoia: So continue to fill out our survey.
Kim: The listener survey.
Sequoia: Survey. [Kim laughs] I don’t know what kind of podcast this is, where one of the jokes is just to say the word again.
Kim: Instead like of a helpful link or something?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Wow, we are smart people. This is a great podcast. All right.
Kim: What else have we got goin’ on?
Sequoia: We got some email and social media stuff to talk about, because we got mail.
Kim: Again.
Sequoia: Again.
Kim: More!
Sequoia: More mail!
Kim: I went back into the post office, I was like, I have my key! Click. What’s in the box? Some stuff!
Sequoia: Some stuff!
Kim: I mean, some spam, but also some stuff!
Sequoia: Oh yeah, we get some garbage, and some great stuff from Alex, who is our artist. Our merch artist.
Kim: Yeah, I guess she picked up a pin for us some months ago at Emerald City Comic Con.
Sequoia: Mhm. A little Drarry pin.
Kim: And she mailed that along with some stuff that she’s made. She’s great.
Sequoia: She is great.
Kim: We love her.
Sequoia: You can go to ptchew.com, P-T-C-H-E-W .com, to check out all her stuff. She’s very cool.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: We also got some very nice emails. Thank you for sending us emails, guys. Continue to send us emails. I am bad at responding. I… we are reading them and I will get back to you, I promise.
Kim: We’re reading them, and we love them.
Sequoia: And we love them a lot, thank you for sending us your fanfictions, you guys.
Kim: You’re all so sweet.
Sequoia: Continue to do that.
Kim: Yes. We are seeing those.
Sequoia: We love them. On Twitter…
Kim: [laughs] You got a response to that… it… [laughs]
Sequoia: We got some Norwegian fun facts. [both laugh] I really like that.
Kim: I mean, really, Sequoia, though, what do you want when you’re screaming at people from places to tweet at us? Because I think fun facts is the right answer.
Sequoia: I think fun facts is the right answer too. Because really, my original intent was nothing. And also to bother you. [both laugh] I think mostly to bother YOU.
Kim: Tweet regional fun facts at us!
Sequoia: Give us your fun facts! [Kim laughs] Also on Twitter we got some, mmmm, fanart. [pause] Sam. Sam. What have you done to us? [Kim laughing] To the listeners? To me personally? We got some Precious fanart.
Kim: We did. We did.
Sequoia: Of Cormac.
Kim: We got some Precious fanart.
Sequoia: He’s got a broom. [Kim laughs] It’s with him.
Kim: Also on Twitter after the last episode, Mariah tweeted at us the story that is now canonically the rest of 27 Knives.
Sequoia: Yes. 27 Knives has been finished.
Kim: And I’m just gonna read it, I think. She said, plot twist, the rest of Month of 27 Knives is the plot of 27 Dresses [both laugh] where Draco has to help people kill/dispose of bodies, but he never gets to be the one doing the killing and he ends up with twenty seven knives from the people he’s helped, but he finds his knife in the end, and he uses the twenty eighth knife to cut the cake at his wedding to Cho, thus ending his heroic journey. [Sequoia laughs] And the month of February is then dedicated to him, #obviously. Thank you so much.
Sequoia: [laughing] Whoo, I love it. It’s great. It is…
Kim: That’s it.
Sequoia: That’s what happened.
Kim: That’s it.
Sequoia: If you were wondering, and you were sad because you didn’t know what else happened in it…
Kim: That’s what happened.
Sequoia: …that’s what happened.
Kim: 27 Knives.
Sequoia: [laughing] 27… twenty eight knives.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Ooh, all right! Thank you Mariah for that. Before we get into it, we did have…
Kim: Some business from last time that we forgot to do.
Sequoia: Some business from last time. We’re so… oh my god, we’re so bad.
Kim: We’re so stupid.
Sequoia: We have such good friends.
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: Like, our friends are so nice and do so much like shit for us and we’re just like [squeakily] mehhh we have this podcast! And forget to fuckin’ say thank you all the time. Whoo!
Kim: When we were doing our search for our new theme song a few months ago… because it has been sitting in our… the cut has been sitting, done, for months.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s fine.
Kim: Stupid. It’s fine. Sequoia reached out to friend of the podcast and friend of hers, Harrison.
Sequoia: Harrison. I… I reached out to Harrison and I was like, hey.
Kim: Our rock expert.
Sequoia: He is literally our rock expert.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And I was like, can you help us with this? And he sent us a whole list.
Kim: He did. And I listened to all of them.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And I thought about it. And I thought about it, and I was like, this. This is the one.
Sequoia: Yeah. So we would not have gotten here, to this particular new theme song, without Harrison! So thank you so much Harrison!
Kim: Yeah. Super helpful.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: There were a lot of good options too, actually.
Sequoia: There were. Yeah. Oh man. You guys, wizard rock is great. Listen to it. Also, another friend that we consistently forget to shout out to. [laughs] A lot of our survey responses… we’ve gotten a lot of people who’ve found the podcast by googling us.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, we do.
Sequoia: We’re so bad. One of our best friends, Hannah, [Kim laughs] her job is to do SEO stuff and in her spare time she does more of her job…
Kim: [strainedly] For us!
Sequoia: …for us. For free. And we are just now… here we go.
Kim: Thank you so much, Hannah. The fact that people were finding us by Google is a hundred percent thanks to you.
Sequoia: Thanks to you. Yeah.
Kim: So thank you.
Sequoia: Whoo! All right [both laugh] Finally got to those. Here we are, we’re good at friendship.
Kim: Whoo! Got ‘em.
Sequoia: Okay, so it’s time to read fanfiction.
Kim: It certainly is.
Sequoia: Oh no. I don’t like it.
Kim: [more slowly] It cer… it certainly is.
Sequoia: I don’t like that tone of voice, I don’t like that cadence.
Kim: This story…
Sequoia: I don’t like the way your eyes look.
Kim: This story actually has two titles.
Sequoia: Oh good!
Kim: Like, they titled it one thing, and then in the story they were like, no, this is the title.
Sequoia: Within the story?
Kim: Like, the first line is the title.
Sequoia: Ohhhh, right, right, right, right, right.
Kim: And it’s different from the title on fanf… I think I’m gonna go with the one in the body of the story, ‘cause I think that one fits better.
Sequoia: Yeah. You get to pick now. [laughs]
Kim: So give me your predictions…
Sequoia: [whispering] Yeah, okay.
Kim: …for…
Sequoia: Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: 20,000 Kisses Under the Lake. [Sequoia squeaks] A humor and romance story.
Sequoia: Great great, great, great, great. Great. [Kim laughs] Great. Oh, no. 20,000 Kisses Under the Lake. That’s a play on… stupid! Okay. Great, great, great, I love it. So. Wow. Okay. [laughing] I can’t decide if this takes place under a lake or not, or if that was just an excuse to make a clever play on a book title.
Kim: I don’t know, does it? I don’t know. Where are we? I don’t know, what’s happening? [dissolves into laughter]
Sequoia: All right, I’m gonna guess that there is [laughing] no body of water in this story.
Kim: [laughs] Okay, do that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, you said humor/romance?
Kim: I did say humor/romance.
Sequoia: Okay, well, fuuuuck you.
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia: Okay, so I’m gonna make a guess that contradicts my first guess.
Kim: Okay, do that. That’s actually a good way to hedge your bets.
Sequoia: Probably a good… yeah, exactly. I’m gonna predict that this story heavily features an aquatic magical creature. Is that too broad? Do I have to pick one specifically?
Kim: Mmmmmmm?
Sequoia: I can. I will pick one specifically.
Kim: [pause] Do pick one.
Sequoia: Wait, no, when was this written?
Kim: Oh. Oh, fuck! Sorry! I’m so sorry. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, you’ll never guess! It was post Goblet of Fire!
Sequoia: Oh, fuckin shit. Okay. This is gonna… there’s going to be a grindylow.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And… ummmmmmm, fuck.
Kim: What period are all of my stories from, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: I only pick from one.
Sequoia: I know
Kim: One time period. ‘Cause I’m very stupid.
Sequoia: I know. Let’s see. Okay. There will be no bodies of water, OR there will be a grindylow.
Kim: [laughs] Sure.
Sequoia: And… let’s see. The pairing is Hermione/Viktor Krum.
Kim: Noice. You think… you think this is going to be like what happened during the Triwizard Tournament?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That would be a good story. This is not that story.
Sequoia: Great. Well, those were my predictions. There I went.
Kim: Don’t forget to tweet your predictions at us!
Sequoia: Do @ us.
Kim: #FanficDivination.
Sequoia: We love… we got so many last time.
Kim: We did.
Sequoia: Because what the fuck did I do to you guys?
Kim: A couple people figured out that you did… it was more than just J.D. that knew you had done another Cho.
Sequoia: That it was Cho Chang again, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know. You guys are good.
Kim: They are much better than us at this game.
Sequoia: Tweet at ussss! All right.
Kim: Let’s get into this.
Sequoia: Fucking read it to me. Here we go.
Kim: 20,000 Kisses Under the Lake, or- Whoever said water was romantic hasn't met this squid.
Sequoia: NO! Are you fucking joking? We’re doing the squid in like… [splutters]
Kim: Shhhhhhh. That’s a surprise.
Sequoia: God fucking dammit! I didn’t guess the squid because I thought you… ughhhh dammit!
Kim: [singing] I knew I was gonna get in trouble!
Sequoia: Ohhhh fuck you! Okay. [laughs]
Kim: "I am not going near that lake," Harry Potter informed his girlfriend.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: "Oh, come on Harry, it's just a picnic. By the lake. It will be incredibly romantic!" Ginny Weasley replied.
Sequoia: Awww! I love that pairing!
Kim: Me too. [both laugh] "Please, Harry, it is my sixteenth birthday, and you promised that we would do what I wanted to do today. And I want to have a picnic by the lake." [gasping] "But... but... that THING is in the lake. Every time I go near the lake, it assaults me," Harry complained.
Sequoia: Is this true? Is there… this doesn’t seem like that has any canonical backing?
Kim: Ehhh, no.
Sequoia: The squid is nice.
Kim: "I don't know why Professor Dumbledore lets Hagrid keep it. It's dangerous even by Hagrid's standards."
Sequoia: Is it?
Kim: I don’t think Dumbledore lets Hagrid keep it, also. I think it just…
Sequoia: I think it just fucking lives there.
Kim: It’s just been there since before Hogwarts was there or some shit.
Sequoia: Yeah. And Dumbledore’s just like, I’m not gonna kick this thing out, it’s been here since before we were here. This is where it lives.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm. It’s a giant squid. How the fuck else would a giant squid have gotten into a lake? [pause] [muttering] Magic fuckin’ whatever. Don’t look at me like that. [Sequoia laughs] "Harry, the squid is perfectly gentle, you just seem to antagonize it for some reason." "Antagonize it? It's attacked me twice! First it tries to drown me, and as I'm escaping it rips off my swim trunks, and then, when I dare to go back to the lake the next year, in a boat mind you, it tipped it over!"
Sequoia: [laughs] Uhhh!
Kim: Wassup?
Sequoia: Umm.
Kim: Wassup?
Sequoia: The squid ripped off Harry’s swim trunks?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Was the squid trying to kill Harry?
Kim: Maybe. [flatly] Poor Harry. The squid won’t stop attacking him.
Sequoia: Ugh, he’s the chosen one.
Kim: He just can’t catch a break. "That barely qualifies as assaulting you," Ginny protested.
Sequoia: What the fuck!? [both laugh] That really counts. That really counts.
Kim: Ginny goes from, like, reasonable request to super unreasonable really fast in this. "Tipping the boat over like that. It knocked Dennis Creevey into the lake as well, and he thought it was cool.”
Sequoia: Of course he did.
Kim: That wasn’t… unless this is a different incident than what happened in book four, though, that didn’t happen, though. ‘Cause Dennis falls in the lake because there’s a bad storm and the squid actually gets him out of the lake in the book. So… [inhales]
Sequoia: The squid’s very nice in the book.
Kim: This is not accurate. [Sequoia laughs] I haven’t done that in a while! Right?
Sequoia: Oh man, here we go.
Kim: That’s not canonnn! "Well, it didn't steal his trousers," Harry said grumpily. Poor Harry. "Now, Harry," Ginny pouted. "You promised that you and I would do something special today. And I want a picnic. By the lake." She paused. "And then. Then we are going to take a boat ride. ON the lake."
Sequoia: Wait, what the fuck, dude!?
Kim: Ginny like… Ginny’s like, escalating. She’s like, we need to exposure therapy away your problems with the squid. For my birthday.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no. Ginny has been possessed.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: She’s under the imperius curse.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: She is trying to kill Harry!
Kim: Oh! NO!
Sequoia: [laughs] By getting him to go on the lake. This is the only explanation, because clearly the squid has tried to kill him twice.
Kim: Clearly. Harry gulped. Ginny obviously had the idea quite set in her mind now, and he knew there was no way he could talk her out of it.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: She’s so stubborn. Ginny leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. "You're going," she repeated, a small smile crossing her face.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: She’s being very stubborn today.
Sequoia: Or evil! Because she has been… [laughs] oh no.
Kim: I mean, Ginny is… I think Ginny is very stubborn.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah!
Kim: I would characterize her that way.
Sequoia: I agree with the characterization of Ginny being stubborn, not of Ginny trying to get Harry killed!
Kim: Look, he’s just overreacting. It was all a misunderstanding with the squid.
Sequoia: Because the squid’s nice to everyone else.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. It was a misunderstanding.
Sequoia: Mmm. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Kim: Or was it? Three hours later.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: "I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Harry complained.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Ginny sighed. He had been complaining ever since they had set up for the picnic. First they were too close to the lake.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god!
Kim: Then he saw the squid briefly and almost died of shock. [Sequoia laughs] This was her birthday. She would have what she wanted.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Harry…
Sequoia: I think there’s a certain point where you just gotta be like, okay, my boyfriend is going to, like, have a heart attack just sitting next to the lake.
Kim: Just seeing the squid in the distance.
Sequoia: Just… yeah. Thinking about how the squid might possibly be in the lake is going to kill him [Kim laughs] so… so maybe we should leave.
Kim: She would have what she wanted. It was time to ensure that she got it.
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: "Come on Harry, our boat ride awaits!"
Sequoia: NO.
Kim: She wants a romantic ride on… in a boat, on the lake, for her birthday!
Sequoia: And she wants Harry to die! [laughs]
Kim: Also that! I guess.
Sequoia: For her birthday!
Kim: I’m going to kill Harry today.
Sequoia: This is the Ginny from Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt.
Kim: [snorts] I don’t know, they don’t mention her being hideous at any point. [Sequoia laughs] He would have fun today, whether he wanted to or not. [pause] We’re all gonna have fun, it’s my birthday! [Sequoia laughs] That’s how I’m on my birthday.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Me too! [strained] No one’s allowed to complain, it’s my birthday! No one’s allowed to complain. Everyone’s doing Harry Potter trivia. [both laugh]
Kim: You’re going to let Kim win! [Sequoia laughs] And then we’re going to have more fun!
Sequoia: More fun!
Kim: He would have fun today, whether he wanted to or not. He'd promised. Grabbing his arm, she hauled him up and led him towards the lake.
Sequoia: This seems like the least fun.
Kim: If he would just be cool, this could be fun and romantic!
Sequoia: If he would just die, this could be… [both laugh] this could be fun and romantic!
Kim: She could go, I don’t know, make out with Draco or something. [Sequoia laughs] While he smells her hair.
Sequoia: Ohhh, yeah yeah yeah!
Kim: "I don't know, Ginny," he said, eyeing the rowboat she'd picked out. "It doesn't look very sturdy. It doesn't even run by magic! The squid can just…" "Harry James Potter! I do not want to hear another mention of the squid for the rest of the day. It is off limits." [both laugh] Harry opened his mouth to protest. "Off limits!" she repeated, cutting him off before he could begin.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, is it time?
Kim: "Besides," she said, grinning impishly. "If it wasn't for the squid, I'd have never gotten as good a view as I did. You look wonderful in a towel."
Sequoia: Oh, gross. [both laugh]
Kim: That is gross. Harry turned red. "Ginny!" he exclaimed. "What? I'm not allowed to look at my boyfriend? I'm hurt," she said sarcastically. "Now get in the boat."
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: I feel like if the towel was big enough, you don’t really see… I guess he had to get into the towel. Do you think he summoned it… the towel using magic?
Sequoia: Probably.
Kim: Do you think Moaning Myrtle brought him the towel?
Sequoia: [laughs] No, it’s that one, it’s that one. For sure. She’s out there in the lake chillin’.
Kim: Looking for Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah [laughs]
Kim: Also. There’s so much in the lake that’s dangerous to Harry!
Sequoia: Yeah, really he should not be out on this lake.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don’t think this is safe. Is he gonna die? [laughs]
Kim: "Now get in the boat.” Harry froze. "What?" he gasped out. It’s like what… come on Harry.
Sequoia: [splutters] Harry! This is what is happening!
Kim: Aren’t you following the conversation?
Sequoia: What do you mean, what?
Kim: "Just get in the boat, Harry," Ginny said, trying very hard to control her temper, which was threatening to erupt at any second. Honestly, boys could be so stupid sometimes. Scared of a little squid.
Sequoia: Scared of a squid that’s tried to kill you two times. Fucking…
Kim: It’s definitely not a little squid, also.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It’s enormous.
Sequoia: It is giant, actually.
Kim: I mean, yeah. Yeah, that’s true.
Sequoia: Actually.
Kim: It’s pretty big. Pretty large.
Sequoia: Pretty… yeah.
Kim: Harry settled himself down in the exact center of the rowboat, glancing around the lake, trying to ensure that there was no squid lurking.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry’s gonna have a heart attack on this fucking boat!
Kim: [laughing] He’s gonna die.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s gonna die, and the squid will not have been seen!
Kim: Ginny gave an exasperated sigh, and settled herself in the rowboat. Pulling out her wand, she waved it over the oars and said, "Remare." Harry was complaining that the boat didn’t run by magic and Ginny is magicing the boat. Harry. You can use magic.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is… you know what I… what I always want for my birthday?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Is just like, a romantic time with my significant other, who is just so fucking terrified. [laughs]
Kim: You want to take your significant other to the place that is their number one fear, and then force them to try to enjoy themselves, you sayin’?
Sequoia: Yeah, I just… it sounds so romantic and fun.
Kim: I’m gonna let whatever person you end up dating in the future know.
Sequoia: Yeah. They’ll listen to the podcast. [Kim laughs] It’s a requirement.
Kim: Is it?! [Sequoia laughs] Oof. Hmm. [both laugh] The oars began to row themselves, and Ginny moved in closer to Harry. "Now," she said. "Isn't this romantic?"
Sequoia: NO! [laughs]
Kim: Harry gave a non-committal, "Uh huh."
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: "Harry," Ginny said warningly. Harry gulped, not wanting to get into any more trouble with her than he already was. "It's extremely romantic Gin," he said. That was a Gin, by the way. Barf.
Sequoia: Oooh.
Kim: Barf. He said, cupping her… Ginny is already a fucking nickname!
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s short for Virginia. [laughs]
Kim: UGH! [sighs] He said, cupping her face in his hand. "Happy birthday, love." He leaned towards her, stroking her cheek with his hand. Ginny smiled, the first real smile she'd had all day. "That's more like it," she whispered.
Sequoia: Wow. Wow!
Kim: She’s so mean.
Sequoia: Just make the situation what you want it to be!
Kim: Yes! She whispered, preparing herself to be snogged senseless. However, something out on the lake caught her eye.
Sequoia: It’s the fucking squid!
Kim: "Oh no," she whispered. "Hmm?" Harry said, wondering why Ginny had pulled back from his intended kiss. He looked out over the lake, and suddenly remembered his fears.
Sequoia: [laughing] And then he died!
Kim: Died of a heart attack. Harry paled rapidly. "No," he whispered. "Not the squid." [Sequoia laughs] Yes, Ginny noted, it was the squid. And it was swimming towards them at an alarming pace.
Sequoia: I think Ginny should be more scared of being in this boat with Harry than the homicidal squid.
Kim: Eh. I mean, it’s after Harry. [Sequoia laughs] She’ll probably be fine.
Sequoia: So she’s fine.
Kim: Harry pulled out his wand, and was obviously intending to throw some sort of hex at the oversized sushi. "Harry, no!" Ginny cried, grabbing his arm. "You'll only antagonize it." "It's already antagonizing me," he protested. [Sequoia laughs] Come on Ginny!
Sequoia: Let it do this.
Kim: Although honestly, I don’t think any magic you’re gonna throw at the squid is gonna have any effect.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Let’s be real.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no.
Kim: Let’s be real.
Sequoia: He just wants to feel like he’s protecting himself.
Kim: Yeah, he’s like, I’m tryinggggg! [Sequoia laughs] But it was too late to do anything.
Sequoia: [laughing] Harry casts expelliarmus at the squid. [both laugh raucously]
Kim: Correct. Yes. That is what he tries to do. Harry casts expelliarmus at the squid. [Sequoia still laughing] Now. The squid hit their rowboat at top speed, knocking them over and sending them both under the water. Ginny quickly managed to resurface, coughing up water. "Harry!" she cried, as she treaded water desperately. "Harry?"
Sequoia: He dead.
Kim: [laughing] There was no answer. Ginny dived under the water, desperately trying to find Harry, but there was no sight of him. She kept trying to look, until she had to surface for air. "Why didn't I pay more attention when we were learning the bubble head charm?" she thought miserably. [pause] I mean…
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. But also… Ginny!
Kim: This is… there are other steps you could have taken.
Sequoia: Like not going on the boat ride!
Kim: As she prepared to make another dive, Harry surfaced, gasping desperately for air. He’s alive!
Sequoia: He’s alive.
Kim: He’s fine.
Sequoia: Does he still have his pants on?
Kim: "Harry!" she cried, swimming over and helping to pull him to the shore. "Are you all right?" "I. Hate. Seafood," [Sequoia laughs] was the only response she could get out of Harry as he tried to breathe normally.
Sequoia: My god!
Kim: "I'm sorry Harry, I didn't realize how…" "Save it," he said shortly. He looked at her, and noticed the hurt expression in her eyes.
Sequoia: Ginny, pay attention.
Kim: Yeah come on Ginny. This is your fault.
Sequoia: This is one hundred percent.
Kim: "Gin, I'm sorry. It's just that... well, you know how I feel about the squid."
Sequoia: [laughs] We’ve actually, in the past four hours…
Kim: We’ve been having this argument for four hours.
Sequoia: [laughs] ….been having this conversation… yeah.
Kim: "I'm sorry," she said again. "It's all right," he said, and pulled her into his arms. Ignoring the fact that they were both sopping wet, he kissed her passionately. All of Ginny's apologies vanished, and she melted into his kiss. "Harry." "Don't speak," he said quietly, pressing a finger against his lips. "But why do you taste like calamari?" [laughs]
Sequoia: What the fuck? Oh my god, that is…
Kim: We’re not done yet. We’re not done yet! That does sound like it could be it, but we’re not done yet. [Sequoia laughs] A passage of time.
Sequoia: A passage of time?!
Kim: Ron was still laughing nearly twenty minutes after Harry finished his story. Ron thinks this is fucking hilarious. Harry almost died.
Sequoia: Ron’s got a great sense of humor.
Kim: "So let me get this straight, mate. After the squid knocks over your boat, you get caught up in its tentacles. But you've got to be making up that last part. It just isn't possible!” Harry sighed. This was the third time he'd had to tell Ron the story, and honestly, he did not feel like repeating it again. But apparently he would have to. He needed to have Ron understand the seriousness of the situation.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no!
Kim: It wasn't every day that one was attacked by a love sick squid, you know.
Sequoia: Oh, god.
Kim: [cackles] "It was holding me under, Ron. And it trapped me in its tentacles. And its tentacles, they were roaming over me."
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god!
Kim: Ron burst out laughing again. Harry looked totally traumatized.
Sequoia: [laughs] Of course he was!
Kim: "I can just see the Rita Skeeter article," he gasped out. [Sequoia laughs] "Potter takes disturbing interest in undersea creature." "It isn't funny Ron," Harry snapped. Ron looked like he wanted to argue the point, but he covered it up behind a cough.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: "Anyway," Harry continued. "I was completely trapped in its tentacles. And then it… it leaned towards me, and put its… beak up against my mouth."
Sequoia: [screams] [laughs] I fucking cannot believe that you did this.
Kim: What up? [both laugh] This is the story I almost… I almost wasted as a quick fic last time.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: I’ve had this story… I actually tweeted about this. We’ll talk about it at the end but I’ve tweeted about this story. It’s been on my quick fic list for a hot second.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: And I’m really glad I moved it.
Sequoia: Oh, this is… its beak! Ooh buddy, I am…
Kim: Squids have beaks!
Sequoia: So Harry did have a nice romantic day!
Kim: Mmmmm. Yeah. Sure. Someone had a nice romantic day. Ron snorted again. "D'you have any idea how much that story sounds like one of Lockhart's?" he said incredulously. [Sequoia laughs] You know what, I don’t actually think that does sound like how Lockhart…
Sequoia: No, Lockhart’s stories were actually real.
Kim: They were just someone else’s.
Sequoia: They were just not his. Yeah.
Kim: And I don’t feel like he would be making out with a squid in one of his stories. He usually wants to portray himself as more of a…
Sequoia: It would be a Veela.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Or something.
Kim: Yeah. Or he, like, seduces the squid to get it to stop attacking a village. You know what? I can’t see it.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, we’re back.
Kim: Harry glared at him. "I think it was trying to kiss me or something." Ron just ended up in another laughing fit at that. Now we’re gonna move locations. Estella the squid sunk to the bottom of the lake…
Sequoia: Oh my god! YES!
Kim: …in sheer bliss. Today, she had fulfilled her greatest dream.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: Today, she had kissed Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Pulling herself out of the patch of seaweed she was sitting on, she practically floated back to her home and her…
Sequoia: [laughs] Practically.
Kim: Funny, ‘cause she’s in the water?
Sequoia: She’s fucking IN the water!
Kim: All right. She practically floated back to her home and her precious collection.
Sequoia: [laughing] Does she have a Ginny’s Room shrine?
Kim: I don’t know, does she?
Sequoia: Fucking shit!
Kim: She simply had to place her newest item in a place of honor. Next to the swim trunks perhaps?
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: No, this was even better. This should go in the highest place of honor, next to the toast which he had given her.
Sequoia: Is it… is it… is it burnt cinnamon toast? [both laugh]
Kim: [singing] It is his favorite!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bring it back.
Kim: Oof. He and that girl, not that annoying red head who had dared kiss HER Harry…
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Kim: …but that other girl who had been walking along the lake with him one day. And Harry had thrown the toast directly at her. Giving her food was the surest way to prove Harry's affection for her. [Sequoia laughs] It was so romantic. [Sequoia laughs] That does happen in the book, do you remember that?
Sequoia: I don’t remember that, but…
Kim: Harry and Hermione are out walking along the lake, I think when Harry’s fighting with Ron, and he’s like throwing food to the squid.
Sequoia: Oh, very romantic.
Kim: He like… I don’t want this toast, it’s not burnt enough.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, the romance.
Kim: Of course, there wasn't much of the toast left now, it was very difficult for bread to survive underwater. [Sequoia laughs] But she had saved as much of it as she possibly could. Yes, this would have to go with the toast. Swimming over, she placed the strands of hair directly over the toast…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: …trying to ensure that they didn't float away. Now, she had a piece of Harry.
Sequoia: Jesus fucking Christ.
Kim: A piece of him that would always be hers. Forever. Like the piece of toast.
Sequoia: [wheezing] Wow! Wow, wow, wow.
Kim: Smiling, Estella swam off, dreaming of her next encounter with the dashing Mr. Potter, and perhaps another kiss.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Is that the end?
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia takes a deep breath, then screams, then laughs] I found this.
Sequoia: I’m just…
Kim: I tweeted about this, gosh, it’s been probably a few months, actually, I found this story and in the author’s notes at the end of the story they say… let’s see. I’m just gonna read this. I had a lot of fun writing this. Harry/squid is one of those beautiful relationships that can be extrapolated from canon. It’s so incredibly beautiful to write and read about and I’ve had a blast. I like this author!
Sequoia: [moaning] Whaaaaaaat?
Kim: This author gets it. [Sequoia laughs] Right?
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: You know, I liked that the squid got a… got a cool name.
Kim: She did.
Sequoia: She did.
Kim: She got a cool name.
Sequoia: She got a cool name, she had some toast.
Kim: [squealing] She does have some toast! She got some hair! [Sequoia crying] Ginny had a shitty birthday, serves her right.
Sequoia: [laughs] Why did she drag Harry out onto the fucking lake?! Ginny!
Kim: She had a vision, Sequoia. She had a vision of how her birthday was going to go.
Sequoia: And then she tried to project that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Out into the world.
Kim: Yeah. Forcibly.
Sequoia: She put it on her vision board.
Kim: No. She… she… she marched Harry in place.
Sequoia: She literally…
Kim: You’re going to stand here. We’re going to make out in this boat. And it’s my birthday. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: What do you think?
Sequoia: Wow. What a time.
Kim: I couldn’t hold on to this story any longer.
Sequoia: I’m glad you didn’t use that as a quick fic. That’s not a quick fic.
Kim: It’s not.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Well, I was reading… remember we were sitting here, and I was like, oh right, I need a quick fic today. And so I skimmed this story and I was like oh, no. [Sequoia laughs] This is not a quick fiiiic.
Sequoia: No, that is not a quick fic. Wow. I just feel like there was a lot of… you know, people trying to… to envision romance the way that they wanted romance to happen, and Harry was just like on the terrible receiving end.
Kim: Yeah, he… yeah, he had a lot of bad stuff happening.
Sequoia: Various people being like… or various things, being like, this is how romance goes!
Kim: Harry’s like, I just… I just wanna not get drowned.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: The end! [laughs] Doesn’t she know that he can’t breathe underwater?
Kim: He did that one time!
Sequoia: Oh no. [both laugh] All right, so all my predictions were wrong.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There you have it.
Kim: Are you mad that I made you be more specific about that one?
Sequoia: No, because I knew that you would, and I understand why, but also, I’m just mad because obviously I would’ve picked the squid. But [Kim laughs] tune into our anniversary episode!
Kim: In two weeks? No. In a month.
Sequoia: In a month.
Kim: In one month from now, our anniversary episode. We’ve already got a hint of what it’s gonna be.
Sequoia: Aw, shit. Goddammit.
Kim: If you don’t know, you will soon know!
Sequoia: You will! All my predictions were wrong. Great.
Kim: Lol, got ‘em!
Sequoia: Jesus Christ! It’s time for….
Both: …mmm quick ficsssss!
Kim: We did that in the rec zone voice this time.
Sequoia: What do we usually do?
Kim: I don’t know! [Sequoia laughs] We’re bad at segment introductions.
Sequoia: Very good, very good, very good. Okay, my quick fic today is a listener recommendation! From our story submission form!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What? It’s called…
Kim: Was this one sent to you?
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim snorts] For many clear reasons. [Kim gives a strangled laugh] It’s called Love Gone to the Cats.
Kim: [laughs] Fuck. Don’t do this to me, listeners! [Sequoia laughs raucously] Don’t send this shit to her! I am mad!
Sequoia: Okay, now this one is about how Argus Filch used to be like a young, hot gardener.
Kim: [snorts] Nice.
Sequoia: And he was the gardener at this house for the Norrises.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And Mrs. Norris was also young and hot, and they were in love.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And then… [laughs]
Kim: This is great.
Sequoia: And then they’re like, one day… oh, he keeps putting roses on her pillow, ‘cause he’s the gardener.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And then she comes down into the garden, and is like, I love these roses, and he’s like, I love you, and then they fuck in the bushes. [laughs] And then her husband arrives home.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: And is so angry that he turns her into a cat.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: And that’s Mrs. Norris and Argus Filch. There ya go.
Kim: Huh. Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: Argus Filch the young hot gardener.
Kim: That’s uh… yeah, sure. Plausible
Sequoia: [laughing] There we go. That was my quick fic.
Kim: Plausible. Fine. [Sequoia laughs] That was good. Thank you.
Sequoia: All right. Now it’s time for….
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: I’m gonna recommend a super short listener submission today.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: This one’s called Intelligent Conversations. I think we actually got this one twice on the listener submission form.
Sequoia: Oh, cool.
Kim: From a couple different people. It’s… it’s just… it’s a little short, it’s like a really short little vignette about how Greg and Vinny are actually smart.
Sequoia: Oh nice! Yes!
Kim: It’s really funny and you should all definitely check it out.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: That link will be in the description of this episode.
Sequoia: It will also be on the full list of recommendations that’s on our website!
Kim: [enunciating] www.fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ, don’t do that again.
Kim: Website!
Sequoia: Also on our website you can find that story submission form that we just pulled our quick fic and our rec off of.
Kim: Yes we did!
Sequoia: And send us some stuff.
Kim: Send us some stuuuuff! Don’t send Sequoia any more cat stuff! Please, for the love of god!
Sequoia: Just keep doin’ it. Keep doin’ it!
Kim: Help me!
Sequoia: [laughs] Also on our website we’ve got merch. We do have hold for the text please bookmarks on our merch.
Kim: Yeah. I think my favorite piece of merch is still our Draco’s father will have you killed poster.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I love that poster.
Sequoia: It’s so good. Alex did the artwork for it, it looks amazing.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: The references are from And Now For Something Completely Different.
Kim: That’s an old episode.
Sequoia: Which is an old episode that we love.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So check out all those couple pieces of merch and all the rest of our merch that we have on our website. www.fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Correct. If you wanna reach out and let us know some thoughts about…
Sequoia: Fun facts!
Kim: …fun facts!
Sequoia: Norwegian fun facts!
Kim: Let us know your regional fun facts on our Twitter!
Sequoia: Tweet at us!
Kim: We also have Instagram and Facebook, we are FanaticalFics on all those places.
Sequoia: If you would like to send us more stuff, some of your fanfiction, just some longer thoughts, you wanna tell us anything, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: Do you like this podcast, listener?
Sequoia: I hope so.
Kim: You’re here, so I assume you are.
Sequoia: You’re still here.
Kim: If so, if you like this podcast, if you wanna help out this podcast, there are a few ways you can do that.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook, we’ll be gettin’ back to our shout outs here in a couple of episodes, but we’ll shout you out at the top of the episode! It’s our fucking favorite thing.
Kim: We just have to talk about the survey for a really long time recently.
Sequoia: Because it’s wonderful. We love it.
Kim: Also if you like this podcast, podcasts grow by our dear listeners sharing it with their friends.
Sequoia: Yeah! Trick your friends 2019!
Kim: Trick your friends into listening to the podcast.
Sequoia: Someone actually put my friend tricked me [Kim laughs] on the… on the survey. Which I liked a lot.
Kim: Nice. Trick your friends!
Sequoia: Trick your friends! Our Patreon is currently on hold…
Both: …while we re-tool it.
Kim: With the feedback we’re getting.
Sequoia: It’s coming back in August.
Kim: From the survey.
Sequoia: From the survey!
Kim: Do the survey.
Sequoia: Take. The. Survey.
Kim: We want our Patreon to be as good as it possibly can to provide the best content that you want.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So let us know what you want! And we will work on doing that.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Huge thanks to the Whomping Willows for letting us use our amazing new theme song, it’s Wolfstar from their album 1975.
Sequoia: Okay! Thanks for listening to the podcast. I’m gonna go take a nap!
Kim: Thanks for listening!
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Bye!