Episode 51: A Fluffy Pink Bunny
Do u wike a fwuffie bunnie?
Recommendation: This Isn’t Your War
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2894841/1/This-Isn-t-Your-War
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Oh, good.
Sequoia: Here we go. We can just record the podcast now.
Kim: How much Sudafed is normal to have taken before you start recording a podcast? I need to know. [both laugh] Google. [both laugh again] WebMD. Aghhhh.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: [very quickly] It’s a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction. I’m here. I’m present. I promise.
Sequoia: You are… I … are… are you?
Kim: I thought you were gonna be the fucked up one this morning, but you seem fucking fine.
Sequoia: I’m fine.
Kim: And I am… man, I stayed up until like midnight last night with you, just hanging out, and I’m sooo tired.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: I’m also a little sick.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let’s… let’s be real. It’s not just…
Sequoia: You’re a little sick and your bedtime’s like… like fucking nine o’clock.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So I don’t blame you. You’re… we’ve done a weird thing to your sleep schedule. [Kim sobs] My bedtime’s two am, so, like, normal. Here we are…
Kim: I’m present.
Sequoia: …on this fine day, recording a podcast.
Kim: I’m… I mean, I’m very excited for whatever is about to happen to me. You were… you were saying last night that you had some shit…
Sequoia: Me and Hannah were crying. [Kim snorts] That’s all I have to say.
Kim: You… your roommate?
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s all I have to say [Kim laughs] All right. Guys. We’ve got some… some… some stuff to talk about.
Kim: I guess the survey closes tomorrow.
Sequoia: The survey closes tomorrow.
Kim: So get your last minute responses in.
Sequoia: We want…
Kim: Right now.
Sequoia: …them. Do it right now.
Kim: Pause the podcast. We’ll be here.
Sequoia: We’ll be here when you come back.
Kim: I’m gonna take a nap while you do that, though.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, it’ll only take five minutes, and it’s fun, and we are having a ton of fun seeing all of your hilarious answers. You guys are so funnyyy. [Kim laughs] You’re so funny.
Kim: Very true. I think… I think I feel okay about… about… now that you’re back from pausing the podcast and answering the survey…
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: I think I feel okay about talking about the Draco true pairings this time.
Sequoia: Exactly, because…
Kim: I was afraid to.
Sequoia: …you paused the podcast and did that.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I was afraid to…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …influence people’s answers, because there is a right answer. [both laugh]
Sequoia: There is a right answer.
Kim: The correct answer for this quiz was Draco/some… what was it? It was like a… any… some empathy.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: There was another good one, too.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It was like Draco/common decency or something.
Sequoia: Yeah, some common decency, that was a good one. Anything that was like Draco slash…
Kim: A real character redemption arc.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: That was one of them.
Sequoia: Oh, that was good.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: That was very good too.
Kim: So anything in that vein was the correct answer.
Sequoia: Yes. [Kim laughs] Alternatively, Drarry’s the correct answer.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] Dron. It’s either… it’s either some common decency, no one, or Dron. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We got some good Snako. [Kim laughs] We got some good Trevor.
Kim: We did get Trevor. There were a few good references.
Sequoia: There was… yeah, there were some good throwbacks that I really liked.
Kim: I did enjoy that.
Sequoia: You… you… you canon kids and your Astoria Greengrass.
Kim: Yeah, wow.
Sequoia: I… there’s more of you than I thought that there was gonna be.
Kim: That was pretty…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was pretty interesting to see, yeah, that’s true.
Sequoia: Canon kids.
Kim: What else was in there? There were a couple of other good ones that I was maybe surp… oh, Draco/me. [both laugh] That was… that was in there…
Sequoia: We got that multiple times.
Kim: …more times than I expected.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, like, I wrote an OC that was just me/Draco. [Sequoia laughs] And I was like, oh, cool, good for you.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: That’s… that’s a good throwback.
Sequoia: That’s a good one. We got a surprising amount of Drapple, too.
Kim: Oh yeah, Drapple was like second after Drarry, wasn’t it?
Sequoia: Yeah! [Kim laughs] Very…
Kim: That actually didn’t surprise me. At all.
Sequoia: That Drapple was so high?
Kim: Well, think about who listens to this fucking podcast.
Sequoia: That’s true. That’s true.
Kim: I thought…
Sequoia: That… that’s… I guess that we’re not… we’re not surprised about Drapple, and we are surprised about Draco/the person he actually ends up with in canon.
Kim: Yeah, exactly.
Sequoia: ‘Cause, you know… [Kim laughs] ‘cause, you know, you guys.
Kim: We know what you are.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We have seen you.
Sequoia: Yeah. Draco/a proper redemption arc. Oh.
Kim: That’s the one.
Sequoia: You guys are so good.
Kim: I think… I think I actually laughed when I read that one. [Sequoia laughs] Like this. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Sequoia: Oh, is that what your actual laugh sounds like?
Kim: That’s what my actual laugh sounds like.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: That’s the first time I’ve done it on the podcast.
Sequoia: [laughs] We… we got some… since the last time we recorded we’ve got a lot of new responses to the survey, which means we’ve got some new distillations of your soul into an object.
Kim: Oh yeah, what we got? What we got?
Sequoia: A bottle full of mysterious liquid is…
Kim: Ughh. [both laugh] Nice.
Sequoia: Is one that I’m really digging right now.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Some kind of a blob, probably, is also [both laugh] within that same category.
Kim: A blob of what!? [laughs]
Sequoia: Something. A blob of something.
Kim: Nice. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, you guys were really delivering on that. We did get a… we got a Instagram messsage.
Kim: Did we? Oh, yeah, we did!
Sequoia: So shout out to…
Kim: The Cheez-It.
Sequoia: …the single Cheez-It themselves, Lexi Christie. Thank you for…
Kim: Letting us know.
Sequoia: …reaching out to us. Yeah. Thanks for filling out our survey. Thanks for earlier in the episode when you paused and filled it out.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Thank you for that.
Sequoia: We appreciate that a lot.
Kim: Tho… those responses are really helpful, and I am really excited about our relaunch of our Patreon.
Sequoia: I’m so excited. There’s so much fun stuff coming, you guys.
Kim: We have a lot in the plans that we’re actually gonna try to do.
Sequoia: Dang! [Kim laughs] I’m so excited. So also, something we did not do last episode was we didn’t do reviews.
Kim: Yeah, we’ve been skipping those. And…
Sequoia: We’ve been skipping them because we’ve had so much to say.
Kim: You know, I’ve missed doing them, because we’ve gotten some interesting things.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh] We have gotten some interesting things. Do you wanna start out?
Kim: No, you should start.
Sequoia: I should start?
Kim: You should start.
Sequoia: Oh, right, I should start.
Kim: I know why you have to start.
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to therealravenclawpride. The REAL Ravenclaw pride.
Kim: The real?
Sequoia: As opposed to…
Kim: Real?
Sequoia: …fake ravenclaw pride. Who says, I’m not gay, Draco is just really hot.
Kim: I mean, valid.
Sequoia: [laughing] Valid. [laughs] Thank you for your review. We’re glad that we can bring you some joy.
Kim: Shout out to algrso, who says this is a great podcast for all Harry Potter fans.
Sequoia: Whoooo. Whooooo. [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t know that that’s true.
Sequoia: But thank you.
Kim: We tr… we do try.
Sequoia: We do.
Kim: In some sense.
Sequoia: In the beginning we used to try really hard. We went…
Kim: For like any level of fan.
Sequoia: Exactly. We went through like…
Kim: Yeah, no, we’ve gotten… we’ve given up on that.
Sequoia: …if you remember, Cormac McLaggen was this person at this time…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and the blah blah blah. And now we’re just like, we give up. Whatever.
Kim: We gave up on that almost immediately.
Sequoia: So… yeah, maybe like five episodes in, we’re like no, now we’re just saying some shit.
Kim: All Harry Potter superfans who also really like fanfiction, is the qualifiers I would add to that.
Sequoia: Mmm! Shout out to Arabelle P., who left us a really nice review that ended with, I love being a freshman in high school! [laughs] And… [Kim sighs] just, you know… [laughs] whooo!
Kim: Ooooohhhh.
Sequoia: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Kim: You know, sometimes I forget that people are… that exist that are that young. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That… this person is literally half…
Kim: Don’t say it.
Sequoia: …our age.
Kim: Don’t say… arrrrghh! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Woooo, thank you so much for listening. We hope that you enjoy our… oh man. Thanks. [laughs]
Kim: Mmmkay. Ooph.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: Fucking shit.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: Shout out to… I need to like zoom in on this. My old eyes. Shout out to bbrghtgfdvfxvhijgrewsfh!
Sequoia: Whooo!
Kim: Whose review says, [very quickly] I really love this podcast so much I just can’t express how much I love iiiiiiiit!
Sequoia: And it’s titled yeeeeeeeeeeesss!
Kim: This person… this person left this review how many times?
Sequoia: Six times. [Kim laughs] This person left this exact review six times.
Kim: So we got the message. [pause] [Sequoia laughs] We love you too. [both laugh] Please stop making me read these. These names! I know you’re doing it on purpose! You’re hurting me!
Sequoia: You’re hurting Kim and it’s hilarious for me. Keep doing it. All right, so [Kim laughs] shout out to Karolien, who left us a review on Facebook, and says that they also laugh out loud on their commute like many people have told us, but they’re glad they’re in their car and not in a public space.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Such as a train.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: As has been expressed to us many times.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And my advice is try taking a train to work. Take a train to work, laugh real hard on the train, somebody…
Kim: And then explain loudly…
Sequoia: Then explain…
Kim: …to everyone around you what you’re listening to.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Stand up and be like, I am laughing on the train because [Sequoia laughs] I am listening to an excellent podcast that everyone should listen to!
Sequoia: Exactly like that. With that exact cadence. That was very good. [Kim laughs] We actually did get a person on the survey that said that… [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That said that how they found out about the podcast was someone was talking about it loudly in a coffee shop. [both laugh]
Kim: That might have been us. You never know.
Sequoia: Maybe it was us!
Kim: You never know.
Sequoia: Somebody else said that they heard people talking about it at a Quidditch tournament, and I was like, yeah, that was definitely me. [Kim laughs] That was actively just me.
Kim: Probably just you. Yep. Sure, sure, sure. [both laugh] Nice.
Sequoia: Talk about the podcast loudly in front of strangers! All right, here we go. [both laugh] That’s… that’s it. I guess we can fuckin’…
Kim: Move on to the next…
Sequoia: …do some…
Kim: …segment.
Sequoia: …chat now. Okay.
[pause]
Kim: Oh no. Oh no. So here’s…
Sequoia: I’m gonna cry. [both laugh]
Kim: What the fuck? You are too excited about the title of this story! [Sequoia laughs] It’s making me nervous, and there… it’s me and just the listeners that don’t read the title before starting the episode that’s gonna be surprised now.
Sequoia: [squeaks] Oh, this is so good!
Kim: All two of us.
Sequoia: Ohhh what if I cry? Okay, so we’re doing… we’re gonna start out here doing predictions, folks. We got some really good ones in last time.
Kim: Yeah, we did.
Sequoia: We got a lot of ‘em in. A lot of people said things that made sense, as oppposed to my predictions, which didn’t make sense.
Kim: Yours…
Sequoia: So good job to you guys.
Kim: Yours were close, I think, to making sense.
Sequoia: I did… I did say some things that made sense, they just weren’t the right things.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: I liked everyone’s predictions that it happened in the Slytherin common room. That was a bunch of the predictions.
Kim: Yeah, that…
Sequoia: Which was actually very good.
Kim: …does kinda make sense.
Sequoia: That checks out. So make sure to send your predictions to us. Tweet them at us, #FanficDivination, and do @ us.
Kim: Correct.
[pause]
Sequoia: [laughs] I would like you to make some predictions for the story… [pause] that is called… [pause] No Title Yet! [both laugh loudly and for a long time].
Kim: Whyyyyyy! [both keep laughing] Fuck! You! [Sequoia laughs] Man! This is, what, like, the fucking third you episode in a row that you’ve done some shit! [Sequoia still laughing] Fuck you!
Sequoia: So… so last night, Kim was over at my house. We were talking about the fanfiction that I found, and [laughs] Hannah goes, it’s got a title!
Kim: Ughhhhh!
Sequoia: And then we started crying. Anyway, the good news is that that is not the fanfiction I’ll be reading today, I just wanted to punk you. [laughs]
Kim: Oh! [Sequoia laughs] Oh! [Sequoia keeps laughing] I was ready! I had something!
Sequoia: You had something?
Kim: No, I didn’t.
Sequoia: Okay, well, make predictions for the actual thing I’m gonna be reading you today.
Kim: You are so mean.
Sequoia: I… I have professed to be mean on several occasions, This is not… [laughs]
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: I’d like you to make a prediction for A Fluffy Pink Bunny. [Kim sighs] This is a humor/romance, and it was written between [laughs] Goblet of Fire…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and Order of the Phoenix.
Kim: Uh huh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: A Fluffy Pink Bunny.
Kim: A Fluffy Pink Bunny. I think it’s gonna be revealed in this story that a character sleeps with a stuffed animal.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: I’m gonna guess the pairing is Drinny.
Sequoia: Ooooh! Drinnyyyy!
Kim: One more. I’m gonna guess that a character ends up somewhere that they shouldn’t be.
Sequoia: So, that they’re not allowed to be?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah, like they shouldn’t be there.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Not supposed to be there.
Sequoia: They’re not supposed to be there, Drinny, some character sleeps with a stuffed animal.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That’s what I got.
Sequoia: I will take those. Here we go. [laughs]
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: This is A Fluffy Pink Bunny.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Chapter one.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “Well, aren’t you a cute little fluffy bunnyyy? [Kim sighs] Well, if you weren’t so wet.”
Kim: What? [both laugh] All right, so we got a wet rabbit.
Sequoia: A wet rabbit.
Kim: ‘Kayyy.
Sequoia: Harry stooped down to pick up a soggy rabbit that was laying outside the castle walls.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Well, maybe if I clean you up a bit. Yes, you are a sweet looking little thing.”
Kim: What? Okay, Harry is… is like… has an off day, and he’s found a rabbit, and he’s gonna take it inside.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ehhhhhh.
Sequoia: He found a… he found a fluffy bunny and he’s gonna take it inside.
Kim: This is not a Harry thing to do. [Sequoia laughs] This is… Harry would not have noticed the rabbit. This is not a Harry thing to do. [Sequoia laughs again] Period.
Sequoia: He hugged the furry little creature. [Kim laughs]
Kim: [cutesy voice] It’s the fluffiest bunny!
Sequoia: [cutesy voice] He’s just so fluffy.
Kim: I’m Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Hawwy Pottewww. Dis is a fwuffy bunny.
Both: And it’s all wet. [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: He hugged the furry little creature to his already quite damp and soggy Quidditch robes…
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: …having just gotten out of practice, and raced up to the Gryffindor common room.
Kim: [laughs] He’s very excited about this bunny.
Sequoia: He’s vewy excited. [Kim laughs] “What is that thing?” Ron asked, a few mintues later, as…
Kim: Checks out.
Sequoia: Yeah, Ron’s like, what the fuck, dude? …as Harry rinsed the muddy bunny off.
Kim: [cutesy voice] Muddy bunny.
Sequoia: Muddy bunny.
Kim: A sweet muddy fluffy bunny.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s… I’m so sorry about this episode, you guys. [both laugh] “It’s a bunny, Ron.”
Kim: You think he’d see… I don’t think that’s what he was…
Sequoia: That’s not the que… that’s not the… [laughs]
Kim: That’s a rhetorical question.
Sequoia: [laughs] “It’s a bunny, Ron. Gosh, what do you think it is?” [Kim laughs] “It’s pink.”
Kim: Hmm, okay.
Sequoia: “And it’s wet.”
Kim: Y… y… yeah.
Sequoia: And Harry’s rinsing it off. [laughs]
Kim: I mean, when you rinse things, they get wet, Ron.
Sequoia: They get wet, Ron.
Kim: Ron.
Sequoia: When you put wa… put it under water…
Kim: Ron.
Sequoia: …it becomes wet.
Kim: Ron! Ron!
Sequoia: Ron!
Kim: I love what like a unobvious curmudgeon Ron is in fan… I mean, he kind of is that, though.
Sequoia: Yeah, he is. He would be like, dude, what the fuck is this?
Kim: What are you doing?
Sequoia: Why did you… why do you have this bunny? Can we not, dude? [both laugh] “I happen to think it’s cute.”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Harry took out his wand and performed a simple drying spell.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “I wonder who he belongs to.”
Kim: Yeah, a pink bunny does probably belong someone in the castle.
Sequoia: Probably. Like, that’s not something that just like appears randomly…
Kim: Or does it?
Sequoia: …about the grounds.
Kim: Is it a magical creature bunny?
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s a fluffy pink bunny. “Well, let’s throw the ugly thing out the window.”
Kim: [laughs] Fuck! [Sequoia laughs] What the fuck, Ron? Not an appropriate response.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just throw it out the window!
Kim: He… okay, that’s a little next level.
Sequoia: [laughs] “It’s ugly, throw it out the window. It’s creeping me out.” Ron shivered as Harry hugged the bunny. “Hey, don’t hurt his feelings.”
Kim: What is wrong [Sequoia laughs] with Harry? This bunny…
Sequoia: He really likes it.
Kim: …is like affecting his brain.
Sequoia: He really likes it.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He really likes the bunny.
Kim: No, this is a magic bunny and it’s like… it’s like hypnotised Harry or something.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry acted as though the little stuffed toy were real.
Kim: Uhhh. [pause]
Sequoia: This is… we’ve… it’s… no, it is just now being established in the story that this is not a real bunny.
Kim: This is not a real bunny?
Sequoia: This is a s… pink stuffed animal bunny that Harry picked up off the ground.
Kim: Okay. You know what? I take back Ron being unreasonable about wanting to throw it out the window.
Sequoia: It is creepy!
Kim: Yes. Harry should not go round picking up strange objects, because he’s Harry.
Sequoia: [laughs] Do you think somebody put that out there? They were like, you know what Harry Potter really loves? [Kim laughs] Cute fluffy pink bunnies! [both laugh]
Kim: This is bound to curse him.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is bound to work out.
Kim: Draco. That’s a Dra… that’s a Draco plan. [Sequoia laughs] Come on! I’ll curse this object, put it near their path, and then… something.
Sequoia: [laughs] And something happens.
Kim: That’s a Draco plan.
Sequoia: Harry acted as though the stuffed toy were real, and pet it on the head. “Harry, it’s a rabbit. It’s a small child’s toy.”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “It’s cute, Ron!” Ron rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” [both laugh] Harry watched as Wo… Ron… oh man. [mumbles]
Kim: Won.
Sequoia: Won! Won and the bunnies! [both laugh]
Kim: Won’s wand!
Sequoia: [laughing] Fuck. [both laugh] Harry watched as Ron walked from the boys’ bathroom and back into the dormitory as he clutched the rabbit closer. “It’s okay, little rabbit.” [Kim laughs] He stroked its head.
Kim: So weird.
Sequoia: [laughs] “We’ll find your owner a.s.a.p.”
Kim: Think we found a new owner. Harry’s…
Sequoia: Harry’s…
Kim: He doesn’t seem…
Sequoia: Harry’s…
Kim: …like he’s gonna want to give this up.
Sequoia: I know, right? It’s like he just found a stray puppy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And he’s, like, telling his… you know, the people he lives with, that he’s… yeah, I’m gonna put up…
Kim: I’m look…
Sequoia: …posters.
Kim: I’m looking…
Sequoia: I’m looking.
Kim: …for the ownerssssss.
Sequoia: I am! Here I go! [laughs] It’s my fluffy bunny now. [both laugh] He said with malice. No, that’s not what’s happening right now. Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room…
Kim: Ohhh nooo! Was I right? Is this a Draco plan?
Sequoia: This… mmm, well, no.
Kim: Oh no. [Sequoia laughs] Okay, continue.
Sequoia: Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room, Draco Malfoy was flipping out.
Kim: Correct. This is… this story is on track for greatness. [Sequoia laughs] I’m very excited.
Sequoia: “Oh my gosh!” He grasped his hair in both hands. [both laugh] “My rabbit!” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh Dracooo.
Sequoia: Draco! Draco’s missing his wabbit.
Kim: Stuffed an… I can’t believe you did a Draco has a stuffed animal fic.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: We’re in dangerous territory…
Sequoia: Yes we are.
Kim: …my friend.
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen, I’m trying to reclaim [Kim laughs] stuffed animals for Draco Malfoy, okay?
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: [laughs] “What, Malfoy?” Crabbe asked, looking away from Goyle for a moment.
Kim: [laughs] Were they just staring lovingly into each other’s eyes?
Sequoia: Probably.
Kim: Oh, I love it.
Sequoia: And Draco has interrupted them with his stupid shit about his stupid rabbit. [Kim laughs] “You know! My little pink rabbit my mother sent me for last Easter holiday.”
Kim: Cute.
Sequoia: “Where did he go?”
Kim: Cuuuute.
Sequoia: I like that Crabbe and Goyle know about the rabbit and how important it is to Draco. This is, like, not something he’s trying to hide from people.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: He’s just like, no, it’s my rabbit. Have you seen my rabbit? Has anybody seen my rabbit? [laughs]
Kim: I mean, Draco has the Draco cred to do whatever the fuck he wants.
Sequoia: Like, I’m a Death Eater, where’s my fluffy pink rabbit?
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: He’s like, I’m Draco Malfoy! I have a bunny!
Sequoia: Where’s my bunny? My father will hear about this!
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Goyle raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure it’s not up in your trunk or something?” [Kim laughs] “No! It’s not there!” [Kim laughs] “I’m sure it’ll turn up.” Crabbe shifted his gaze back to Goyle, who promptly giggled.
Kim: They are!
Sequoia: They are!
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: There’s… this is background Vinny and Greg, you guys!
Kim: Yeeees!
Sequoia: You guys! [laughs]
Kim: So cute! I like how they’re… this is a good interaction that’s being written between them. Like, I like them being reasonable and a little annoyed with Malfoy.
Sequoia: Yeah, and he’s freaking out, and they’re all kind of a even playing field.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Nobody’s, like, in charge.
Kim: Yeah. Well, Draco’s in charge.
Sequoia: Well, Draco’s in charge but mostly they’re…
Kim: But they mostly are putting up with it, kind of. [Sequoia laughs] I like it.
Sequoia: They’re just like, yeah, okay, whatever, Draco. We’re having a thing right now. [Kim laughs] We’re having a moment. [both laugh] Draco rolled his eyes and stormed from the common room. The last place he’d seen it was when he’d let that cute first year Ravenclaw look at it. [both laugh]
Kim: You can look at it.
Sequoia: You can look at it.
Kim: I can’t imagine him letting someone look at it and not immediately clawing it back from them.
Sequoia: Exactly. This is HIS bunny.
Kim: Did he, like, black out briefly or something?
Sequoia: I think… I think that he… I think he was holding it. I think the Ravenclaw… the first year was only allowed to look at the bunny.
Kim: Oh, that makes more sense.
Sequoia: He was holding the bunny, though.
Kim: Uh huh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: But I like that he thinks that children are cute.
Kim: Did he say that?
Sequoia: Yeah, he said a cute little first year.
Kim: Awww.
Sequoia: He was like, I got this cute lil bunny, and there was a cute lil first year, and I let dem look at de bunny.
Kim: Draco’s having a weird day today.
Sequoia: Everyone’s having a weird day, okay? [both laugh] What had he done with it afterwards?
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: He hoped Draco Junior wasn’t standing out in the rain.
Kim: Oh my god! [both laugh] Draco Junior.
Sequoia: Draco Junior.
Kim: I love it. Thank you very much.
Sequoia: [laughing] Fluffy pink bunny.
Kim: But also…
Sequoia: Draco Junior.
Kim: …standing in the rain?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Standing.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: It’s gotta…
Kim: It’s a stuffed animal.
Sequoia: It’s… but is it?
Kim: Yes! Clearly! [Sequoia laughs] I hope it’s not standing in the rain.
Sequoia: I hope Draco Junior’s…
Kim: Junior. That’s amazing.
Sequoia: …not standing in the rain.
Kim: Do you think he has more stuffed animals and they’re all named Draco Junior?
Sequoia: [laughs] Absolutely.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: Absolutely he does.
Kim: So that retroactively is the snake’s name.
Sequoia: Oh no, I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all. Why did you do that?
Kim: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Sequoia: Why did you do that?
Kim: Checks out to me.
Sequoia: Okay, fine. Fine, fine, fine. We’re gonna move past that, because I’m upset. He hoped Draco Junior wasn’t standing out in the rain. That would be horrid. Sure, it was silly for a fifteen year old to be fretting over a stupid old pink rabbit, but his mother had given it to him.
Kim: And he loves his mommy.
Sequoia: [laughing] He does love his mommy.
Kim: He does.
Sequoia: He does.
Kim: He does.
Sequoia: [laughs] His mother had given it to him, and he’d grown to love the furry little creature. He pushed open the door and stepped outside into the cool air and rain, leaning over the edge of the railing to peer over where he and the little Ravenclaw had stood earlier that day. There was no sign of his rabbit. [Kim laughs] He sighed, walking back into the castle.
Kim: Oh, he’s like… he’s like moping on this balcony, like… ohhhh.
Sequoia: Balcony. And he… in the rain. It’s raining.
Kim: This is great.
Sequoia: And he’s like where’s my rabbit?
Kim: Rabbit! Bunny wunny! [Sequoia laughs] Ohhhhh! Great.
Sequoia: [laughing] I love this story. I love it so much. He sighed, walking back into the castle. He certainly hoped someone had picked up Draco Junior.
Kim: He…
Sequoia: Dot dot dot.
Kim: …was not gonna be happy with who picked up Draco Junior.
Sequoia: [laughs] He just wants someone… anyone…
Kim: So that Draco Junior’s not out in the rain.
Sequoia: …to pick up Draco Junior. Exactly.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: So he’s not standing out in the rain. [both laugh] A passage of time.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That evening at dinner, Harry sat with the pink rabbit on his lap. [both laugh]
Kim: He is not looking for the owner.
Sequoia: He is not looking for the owner. Mm mm mm.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: He took it to dinner with him.
Kim: Yup. But he’s not like asking anyone about it. He’s just…
Both: …holding it.
Sequoia: Exactly. “So what should I name him?”
Kim: Yup! [both laugh] I’m looking for the owner!
Sequoia: You can’t…
Kim: Might be…
Sequoia: Might be my preciousss.
Kim: …Harry Junior.
Sequoia: [laughing] Harry Junior! Okay, you guys, I can’t.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I can’t even explain what’s gonna happen right now.
Kim: Yes you can! Just fucking read it!
Sequoia: Here we go. “How about rabbit?” Ron asked. [both laugh]
Kim: Ron!
Sequoia: Ron [laughs] is not amused by this entire scenario.
Kim: I mean, Harry’s being really fucking weird. I will give that to Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: But it’s not like he’s like gonna take away your street cred or something. You don’t have any.
Sequoia: You don’t… [laughs] nope. [laughs] That is not a danger. “Oh yeah, how original, Ron.” Hermione rolled her eyes.
Kim: Oh no, Hermione’s on board.
Sequoia: Hermione’s into it! Hermione just wants Harry to have a companion in this time after… I don’t… and I don’t know… I don’t know if you knew this, but Cedric died. [laughs]
Kim: Shhhit! Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry needs some support.
Sequoia: So Harry needs some support. He needs a support.
Kim: Harry needs some support in this trying time.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Because Cedric’s dead. [both laugh] Poor Cedric.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Well, it is a stupid rabbit.” Ron stabbed the piece of chicken on his plate with his fork. [Kim laughs] “I think…” [laughs]
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: [laughing] What the fuck is happening?
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Whoo! “I think you should name it Draco. A cute little bunny like that, with such a big name.”
Kim: Who is…?
Sequoia: Hermione giggled.
Kim: Who… wha… uh uh uhhhh.
Sequoia: “You never know, it might be little Draco Junior!” [laughs]
Kim: What is happening? [Sequoia laughs] Is this a Hermione ships Drarry fic?
Sequoia: Not explicitly. [Kim laughs] But they just named the rabbit that’s name is Draco Junior, they just named it Draco Junior. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] So good.
Sequoia: [still laughing] What is happening?
Kim: Hermione looks at it and she’s like, well, Harry’s sitting there hugging this rabbit very tightly.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Definitely name it Draco.
Sequoia: Definitely name it Draco. Become emotionally attached.
Kim: Or do… does everyone in the castle know that Draco has a pink rabbit named Draco Junior, and she’s like…
Sequoia: Everyone but Harry knows that?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And she knows that that’s what that bunny is actually called?
Kim: No, she just thinks that any pink rabbit that somebody’s emotionally attached to should be named Draco Junior.
Sequoia: Should be named Draco Junior? [laughs]
Kim: That doesn’t make any sense.
Sequoia: I don’t think so.
Kim: It’s definitely the first thing.
Sequoia: I think it’s the first thing. Harry laughed. “Okay then, Draco Junior it is.”
Kim: Fuckin’ weird! [Sequoia laughs] This is a weird thing that’s happening.
Sequoia: [laughs at length] He’s cool with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Draco Junior. Okay, we got a pink fluffy bunny, it’s named Draco Junior.
Kim: Harry’s not looking for the owner. He has named it. [Sequoia laughs] He is attached.
Sequoia: He has named it after the love of his life, Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: He set the rabbit on the floor near his feet so he could eat. Across the room, Malfoy was still fretting over his lost rabbit. [Kim laughs] “I just can’t believe I lost it.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Why did I have to go lose him?”
Kim: [laughs] ‘Cause your life is hard because you’re a bad person.
Sequoia: Exactly. You deserve this. [hippy voice] “Gosh, Draco, you’re like obsessed with this rabbit, aren’t you?” Crabbe asked, rolling his eyes. I don’t know what that voice I just did was. You’re just like, gosh, Draco. [Kim laughing] Like, you’re like obsessed with the, like, the rabbit, like, aren’t you?
Kim: Nah, that checks out.
Sequoia: Crabbe asked, rolling his eyes. That’s good. [laughs]
Kim: That’s good.
Sequoia: “It’s not just a rabbit, Crabbe!” [both laugh] Draco yelled. A few people turned to look at them, and Draco slowly calmed. He’s like, people are looking.
Kim: I’m fine.
Sequoia: [exhales loudly] They’re looking… just… just breathing it out. It’s not just a rabbit!
Kim: But who has my rabbit?
Sequoia: How fucking dare you? “Then go buy a new one.” Goyle shrugged.
Kim: Not helpful, Greg.
Sequoia: Greg, this is not the time…
Kim: God.
Sequoia: …for your terrible ideas! No. “No! I want my old bunny back.” Draco leaned back in his chair and glared at his empty plate. “Hey.” Goyle peered over the heads of the people in the room.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: “What’s that Potter’s got by his feet?”
Kim: Uh oh!
Sequoia: Malfoy stood, peering over as well, staring at Harry’s feet.
Kim: Greg’s very… he… he… he’s very observant today.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s helping. He’s… he’s doing a little help.
Kim: He’s spotted something under a table three tables away.
Sequoia: Three tables away [laughs] He just, like, has a rea… he really needs to get rid of Draco right now. [both laugh]
Kim: Go talk to Potter.
Sequoia: Go talk to Potter. Get the fuck away from me. Nobody cares about your rabbit. Let… let us have a nice dinner together.
Kim: And then we’re gonna make out.
Sequoia: And then we’re gonna make out. “My bunny! That thief has got my bunny!” [Kim laughs] End chapter one.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: [laughs] It leaves you on a little bit of a cliffhanger, you know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I… I… when I originally… I was reading this story…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I got to the bottom and I didn’t see the little chapter guide…
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: …and I was like [gasps] nooooo!
Kim: Draco’s bunny!
Sequoia: But what about his bunnyyyy! [both laugh] I want to know! [laughs[ Chapter two.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Draco was furious as he strode after Harry that night after dinner.
Kim: He waited until after dinner?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I would imagine…
Sequoia: Yeah, he didn’t go for him immediately.
Kim: …he would have leapt over the tables.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s just like, parkour…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughing] …over the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables.
Kim: Yeah, like pushing Hufflepuffs aside.
Sequoia: Mhm. Yeah.
Kim: Running over the tables.
Sequoia: Exactly. And standing in Harry’s food.
Kim: Yes! [high drawl] Potter!
Sequoia: Potter!
Kim: Give me that!
Sequoia: Give me my bunny back!
Kim: And Harry’s like, wow, the sight of you on top of the table is really something. [both laugh] And Hermione’s like, yes!
Sequoia: Dinner and a show! [both laugh] Oooh.
Kim: But that’s not what happened.
Sequoia: That’s not what happened. He waited until after dinner and followed Harry.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Harry clutching the rabbit as if it were his. The nerve! [Kim laughs] He pushed up his sleeves… He’s gonna fight. Push up his sleeves.
Kim: He is gonna fight! I’m excited.
Sequoia: Ahem. …and tapped him on the shoulder.
Kim: Oh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Pushed up his sleeves and said politely…
Kim: Excuse me.
Sequoia: “Excuse me!” [both laugh] Good one. Good call.
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia: [laughs] Politely, he said… “Excuse me, Potter. Can I have a word with you?” [Kim laughs] “Oh, sure, Draco,” he shrugged, lowering the rabbit.
Kim: Lowering…
Sequoia: He was… well, he was clutching it.
Kim: He was… oh, okay. Okay.
Sequoia: He was clutching it to his chest. His new favorite thing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Draco Junior. [laughs]
Kim: Uh huh. [laughs] Damnit.
Sequoia: And he laughs, and he… and now he’s…
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: …sort of hiding it. No, I like to imagine that him lowering the rabbit means that he took… and was just, like, sort of nonchalantly sort of trying to hide it behind his back.
Kim: Uh huh. Because…
Sequoia: Afraid that the owner had arrived.
Kim: …he knows.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. “Go ahead, guys.” He motioned to Ron and Hermione. When they were out of earshot, Draco grabbed the bunny. “Where did you find this?” [Kim laughs] “It was outside, why?” Harry asked, hurt that Draco would handle something so cute as a bunny that way. [both laugh]
Kim: You can’t grab him, you’ll crush him!
Sequoia: You just crushed the bunny! We just had to rehabilitate him from being outside standing in the rain [Kim laughs] all by himself, and here you are, manhandling the bunny! Ugh! [Kim laughing] “Don’t wave him around like that.” “I think I know how to handle my own stuffed animals, Potter!” [both laugh]
Kim: Ohhhhh! Classic Draco.
Sequoia: [laughing] Classic. Classic.
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: Yeah. I will rip apart my own stuffed animals if I feel like it, Potter! [both laugh] Harry’s eyes widened. “That’s yours?”
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: Harry cried. No. [both laugh] A single glistening tear rolled down Harry’s face.
Kim: Maybe we could share him. [Sequoia laughs] Joint custody.
Sequoia: Joint custody of Draco Junior. “Yes. Do you have a problem with that?” “Well, no, Draco. I just expected it belonged to some first year or something.” Harry shrugged.
Kim: But I was perfectly happy to keep it.
Sequoia: But I was perfectly happy to deprive some first year, in their first Hogwarts year away from home, of their stuffed animal.
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: Because it’s m…
Kim: …it’s so cute and fluffy.
Sequoia: It’s so fwuffy. Harry shrugged. “Well, there you go. Your rabbit.” [Kim laughs] He nodded…
Kim: He’s being…
Sequoia: …and took a step back.
Kim: …very brave.
Sequoia: [laughing] He’s being so brave! Just… he’s had this rabbit for a whole, like, five hours.
Kim: Uhhh probably…
Sequoia: Probably…
Kim: …like an hour
Sequoia: …an hour! He’s being very brave to give this rabbit back to its… its actual owner.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Draco hugged the little toy. “Great. Now I’ll have to sanitise him.” [both laugh]
Kim: Of the Harry germs.
Sequoia: “I washed him off, Draco. He was all full of mud and stuff.” “Why would you do that? After all, it’s just a stupid rabbit.” “I happened to think it was cute.” Draco was silent for a moment.
Kim: Mhmm. Are they gonna make out?
Sequoia: Dude. Oh man! Whoo.
Kim: Sequioa?
Sequoia: [laughs] Probably. [both laugh] “Thanks, Potter, for picking up my rabbit.” Harry shrugged. “It was nothing.” Draco began to pet the bunny’s head. and then looked up at Harry. “Its name is Draco Junior, you know.” [both laugh]
Kim: This conversation could be over.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s just…
Kim: [laughing] This doesn’t have to continue.
Sequoia: [laughing] You didn’t have to stand there, petting the bunny, continuing to talk to Harry. He’s gotta pet the bunny ‘cause he has to show the bunny some affection.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ‘Cause he just waved him around in the air. My god! Whooo. Harry tilted his head to one side. “You’re kidding me. That’s what I named it!” [both laugh]
Kim: Don’t admit that! [Sequoia laughs harder] Whoooo!
Sequoia: I also named my bunny after you.
Kim: It’s weird enough that Draco did it, Harry.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, no. “That’s what I named it when I didn’t know who it belonged to!” “Really?” Draco raised an eyebrow.
Kim: Seems improbable.
Sequoia: “That’s interesting.” Suddenly the bunny turned a dastardly lime/neon green color, blinding Draco!
Kim: Oh no, a prank! [Sequoia laughs] The classic prank!
Sequoia: [sighs] Do you… do you wanna guess what the prank is? Do you wanna guess why this bunny has just turned a dastardly lime color?
Kim: [pause] Because it’s a prank, I don’t know, fuck.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: What the fuck? [Sequoia laughs] Who the fuck cares?
Sequoia: [laughs] I do.
Kim: They’re not making out! [sighs]
Sequoia: “Aarrrgh!” Draco dropped the bunny, rubbing his eyes. “I’m blind! I’m blind!”
Kim: That’s not how that works. [Sequoia laughs] But fine.
Sequoia: Harry dropped down onto his knees, flinging the rabbit away. [Kim laughs] “Are you all right, Draco?”
Kim: Fuck this rabbit! It’s not cute any more!
Sequoia: [laughs] When it was pink it was cute, and then it was lime green, and now it can…
Kim: Eat shit.
Sequoia: [laughing] Eat shit! [laughs] Eat shit, you stupid lime green fluffy bunny! [both laugh] “Are you all right, Draco?” [Kim laughs] “Yes, I’m fine, but where’s my bunny?” “I tossed it in the corner so it wouldn’t blind you again.” “Oh. Thanks, Potter.”
Kim: Thanks for saving me mlegh mlegh mlegh mlegh.
Sequoia: Thanks for saving me, I’m not blind. [both laugh]
Kim: I… I don’t think a color can blind…
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: Never mind. It’s fine.
Sequoia: Here we go. It’s fine. “I think you can call me Harry. We’ve established a first name basis here.”
Kim: In what sen… ugh, fine.
Sequoia: They’ve endured together. They’ve both loved the bunny.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And they both experienced this traumatic incident where the bunny became untrustworthy. [Kim laughs] Like, [laughs] they were betrayed together.
Kim: By… yeah, okay.
Sequoia: By the bunny.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I think that that warrants a first name basis.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: That’s what you get now.
Kim: Sure. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Oh.” Draco looked into Harry’s emerald green eyes…
Kim: Yuuuup.
Sequoia: …and suddenly an odd feeling overcame him.
Kim: Nice! Here’s the Drarry.
Sequoia: “You have nice eyes, Harry.” [Kim laughs] Harry raised an eyebrow. “I think that rabbit did more than blind you, Draco.” “No, really. They’re all green and sparkly.”
Kim: [laughs] Oh no, are Harry’s eyes sparkling like they’ve never sparkled before? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeess. He smiled slightly. “Thanks,” he nodded. Draco blinked rapidly. “Would you like to find an abandoned classroom and snog perhaps?”
Kim: [shouting] Yessss! [both laugh]
Both: Ohhhhhh!
Sequoia: Ohhhhhhhh!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Yeahhhh.
Kim: We got there!
Sequoia: We did it!
Kim: Thanks, author.
Sequoia: We did it!
Kim: We got there.
Sequoia: Whoo! What would we have done without a second chapter?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh man. Harry’s mouth fell open. “That rabbit completely addled your brains. You’re completely insane!” “No, I think my mum might have put something on it.” Draco shrugged. “She’s been trying to get me to hook up with someone for forever.” [Kim laughs] So I guess it turned green ‘cause the time was right.
Kim: The time was right.
Sequoia: The time was right.
Kim: To bring them together.
Sequoia: Narcissa doesn’t know what she’s done. [both laugh] My god.
Kim: I don’t know what to say, man. What the fuck is that plan, Narcissa?
Sequoia: [laughs] “And I guess that lucky person is me?” Harry asked. Like, two seconds ago he was like, you’re insane, and Draco was like, nah, there was a spell, and Harry’s like, all right that… yeah.
Kim: If there’s a spell then I will make out with you. [Sequoia laughs] Here we go.
Sequoia: Here we go. [laughs]
Kim: Well, if we’re being magically forced together then I guess there’s no fighting it.
Sequoia: Most important couple in the universe.
Kim: Goddamn.
Sequoia: Harry asked, helping Draco up from where he’d fallen when he’d been blinded. “I guess so. So what do you say? I know a nice cosy little room a few halls away.” “Oh, okay.” Harry shrugged, and took Draco’s hand. [both laugh] Meanwhile, Ron was pacing the…
Kim: Meanwhile.
Sequoia: Meanwhile.
Kim: We’re not… this isn’t the end?
Sequoia: It’s a… it’s almost the end.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Meanwhile, Ron was pacing the Gryffindor common room.
Kim: Oh, do we have to have an epilogue where Ron and Hermione get together?
Sequoia: No, unfortunately.
Kim: Oh, okay. That… that’s what I would expect to happen here.
Sequoia: Right? That’s what I would expect, too. Rude. [both laugh] Ron was pacing the Gryffindor common room in front of Hermione, who was working on her Muggle Studies homework. “Ron, stop fretting. I’m sure he’s fine.”
Kim: Hermione dropped Muggle Studies in third year.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s fine. That’s fine. That’s fine. [Kim laughs] But there was a fluffy pink bunny! [both laugh] “But Herm!”
Kim: Fuuuuuuck.
Sequoia: [laughs] Gotta sneak that in there at the end. There you go.
Kim: Fuck that! [Sequoia laughs] Fuck that!
Sequoia: “What if Draco, like, attacked him or something?”
Kim: Goddamn. If someone called me Herm as a nickname I would be so mad. That’s the shittiest nickname.
Sequoia: [slurring] ‘Cause her name’s Hermione and then when you take off some letters in the… that are at the end of the…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then you get Herm.
Kim: That’s not a nice nickname.
Sequoia: [laughs] Herm? Egg.
Kim: [sighs] Herm. Herm?
Sequoia: Herm? “Ron, get a grip.” Hermione stood, grasping his shoulders. “Harry is fine. He’s probably on his way back as we speak.” Little did either of them know they wouldn’t be…
Kim: Hermione knows. Hermione knows. Hermione knows!
Sequoia: She knows. She named the bunny Draco Junior.
Kim: Yeah, Hermione knows.
Sequoia: Little did either of them know they wouldn’t be seeing Mr. H. Potter for quite some time.
Kim: Oh, nice.
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: He’s doin’ the tongue touching. [Sequoia laughs] That was good.
Sequoia: There we go.
Kim: That was very good.
Sequoia: That’s A Fluffy Pink Bunny.
Kim: That was very enjoyable. I guess. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: Oh man. Well, your prediction… you got a point.
Kim: Did I?
Sequoia: Yeah. [pause] I… I mean I guess it wasn’t explicitly stated that Draco sleeps with the bunny.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [pause] Hmm. Hmmm. Maybe you don’t get a point.
Kim: I wouldn’t count it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I thought it would be like a story point that somebody would be like, haha, you sleep with a stuffed animal!
Sequoia: Ah, okay.
Kim: Eat shit! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, then I guess you don’t get any points.
Kim: Yeah, that’s no points.
Sequoia: You were so close, and I was like ready to give you a point.
Kim: No, I don’t think so.
Sequoia: That was… pity is what it was.
Kim: Yeah, that was pity.
Sequoia: It was pity.
Kim: That was pity. [Sequoia laughs] That’s fine, I don’t need your…
Sequoia: No pity points here.
Kim: …pity points.
Sequoia: No pity points here. All right, now it’s time for…
[pause]
Kim: Quick fics!
Sequoia: Quick fics!
Kim: I’m here. I’m present.
Sequoia: I was like staring at you, like, is this gonna happen? Are we gonna have quick fics?
Kim: I don’t have a quick fic. Okay, my quick fic today was a listener submission.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: I saw this pop up on our list and I was like what the absolute fuck have you sent us!?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good, good. Love it.
Kim: ‘Cause one of the fields that we have them fill… have you guys fill out is the pairing that’s in the fic, and this one came in as Fang/sorting hat.
Sequoia: Ohh yeahhhh.
Kim: So obviously I clicked on it.
Sequoia: Right. Clearly.
Kim: And I read it and it was not anywhere near as explicit as I expected.
Sequoia: Oh, yep. Mhm.
Kim: That’s… or feared, maybe. As I feared [Sequoia laughs] And expected, and hoped for. [Sequoia laughs] But this is… this is definitely a weird one. So Fang is super excited to meet the sorting hat ‘cause he has all kinds of questions for it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So he and Hagrid go up to Dumbledore’s office for some shit, and Fang knocks the sorting hat down, gets it on his head, and he’s like, I have QUESTIONS. And what questions…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …does this dog have for the sorting hat?
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no.
Kim: But… let’s see. Let me read these questions to you. Why is Hermione not in Ravenclaw? And why are the Weasleys all in Gryffindor? Those are the sorting hat’s que… those are…
Sequoia: So those are…
Both: …Fang’s questions.
Kim: For the sorting hat.
Sequoia: Just those two questions.
Kim: [laughing] Just those two questions.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And the sorting hat’s like, they’re Gryffindors, don’t worry about it. They’ll be… they’re gonna prove themselves definitely Gryffindors later. Just don’t worry about it. And then Fang’s like, is the chamber of secrets gonna get resolved some time soon? Because apparently this takes place during the Chamber of Secrets.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: And the sorting hat’s like, yeah, yeah, it’s fine, don’t worry about it, but there is more evil coming later, but also don’t worry about that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And then Fang has to go and then the sorting hat sends a letter to Fang a week later.
Sequoia: [whispering] What the fuck?
Kim: The sorting hat sends a letter to Fang in which he’s like, I’m sorry that our conversation was cut short. Because they… Fang and… Hagrid was like, Fang let’s go, stop playing with the hat, what the fuck are you doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] Awesome.
Kim: And… and in this letter, the sorting hat’s like, I talked about that war, but I have a feeling that you’re gonna make it through the war, Fang. You’re gonna survive the war, and then when you survive, you know, I think you’re kinda all right. Let’s live together forever.
Sequoia: What!
Kim: Yeah, the sorting hat says…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: The sorting hat says… [Sequoia whimpers] I’m just gonna read this.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: It’s funny, I set a standard of sorts for myself. The same level of intelligence is a must have for someone I would look for in a companion. I’m chuckling as I write this, Fang, because as I think of it, I wouldn’t mind [Sequoia wails] being with you for another thousand years.
Sequoia: What’s happening?!
Kim: Signed, Sortie.
Sequoia: No! Now I’m sad! [laughs]
Kim: Sooo.
Sequoia: [wailing] Ohhh wow, wow, wow. Wow.
Kim: That.
Sequoia: Thanks for that. Listener that sent that in, what the fuck?
Kim: Some weird ass shit.
Sequoia: Oh, I love that a lot. That’s great. That is so good.
Kim: ‘Cause there’s like nothing romantic in this, and you scroll, and you’re reading, and you’re reading, and at the very end the sorting hat’s like, let’s live together forever! [both laugh] Excuse me?
Sequoia: Yeees! Oh yeah, I love a romantic non sequitur. All right.
Kim: All righty.
Sequoia: Whoo. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. It’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone!
Sequoia: Pewww.
Kim: Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Pewwww.
Kim: What do you got for us today?
Sequoia: I have a story that’s called This Isn’t Your War. It…
Kim: This story’s called Title To Come.
Sequoia: No title yet! [both laugh] It’s called This Isn’t Your War, and it’s about Hermione and all the people that she had to give up in order to be…
Kim: Hm.
Sequoia: …a witch. Like her friends from elementary school.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: And like…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …not being able to tell them about her life, and then her parents like wanting to help, and wanting to like be a part of her world, but they can’t be.
Kim: Mhm. Because it’s super dangerous?
Sequoia: ‘Cause it’s super dangerous, yeah.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So that is my recommendation.
Kim: That sounds really good.
Sequoia: And the link for that will be in the description of this episode as well as on our [singing] websiiite.
Kim: www.fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Ooooh, that was quick.
Kim: Website.
Sequoia: That’s our website. You can find a whole list of all of our recommendations on it.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: As well as our story submission form. We used a story from the story submission form today on our quick fics, and so keep sending us those.
Kim: Send us that weird shit.
Sequoia: Send us that weird shit!
Kim: You send me a weird enough pairing, I will click on it immediately. [Sequoia laughs] While crying.
Sequoia: While crying! Also on our website we have some merch. We’ve got hold for the text please bookmarks, we’ve got Draco’s father will have you killed stickers.
Kim: And posters.
Sequoia: And posters. We’ve got Ambivalent Pearl posters that are very cool.
Kim: Yep. Yep.
Sequoia: Something I’ve noticed on the… on the survey, when I ask people to talk about merch, is that they were like, oh we want something that’s affordable to be sent to South Africa or to Australia. All of our, like, stickers and stuff, all of our tiny stuff, it takes a long time to get to you, but we don’t charge you for shipping no matter where you live.
Kim: ‘Cause we just want you to have some cool stickers.
Sequoia: ‘Cause we just want to give you some stuff, so it’s like four dollars and you don’t have to pay shipping.
Kim: Yeah, the stuff… the stuff off of our website, Sequoia ships it out.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Herself.
Sequoia: Yes, I do.
Kim: And so…
Sequoia: I want you to have it, so if you live far away from us, I still want you to have it. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, so check that out.
Sequoia: Check that out. You can contact us… you can tweet at us.
Kim: Do tweet at us.
Sequoia: You can follow us on Instagram…
Kim: Keep sending us your…
Sequoia: …for my butterbeer recipe.
Kim: Keep sending us your… oh, wait, what? You’re gonna post your butterbeer recipe?
Sequoia: I’m gonna post my butterpeer… butterbeer recipe.
Kim: Nice. It was pretty good.
Sequoia: Yeah, so…
Kim: I was…
Sequoia: …follow us on…
Kim: I was pleased.
Sequoia: I’m gonna make a video… make a little video of me making some butterbeer.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Tutorial.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: So follow us on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: I was gonna say, keep tweeting your local fun facts at us.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, we… yeah, we need some more regional fun facts. Keep that up. Keep that up.
Kim: @FanaticalFics. Yeah. You can also send us your longer thoughts, whatever those may be.
Sequoia: Whatever those may be.
Kim: At our email. If you want to mail something to us, we have a PO box. That stuff… the PO box address is on our website, and our email is FanaticalFics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: Yep. If you like this podcast, if you wanna help out, you wanna help us grow as big as the sun… [both laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: …we would love for you to leave us some reviews. We shout you out like we did today at the top of the episode.
Kim: Be cool, guys.
Sequoia: Be cool. Be nice. Be cool. [laughs]
Kim: Tell your friends.
Sequoia: Tell your friends.
Kim: Don’t tell… actually, no, sorry, I said that wrong.
Both: Trick your friends! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ooh wow.
Kim: That was close.
Sequoia: Trick your friends 2019. Another thing from the survey is I’ve been seeing a lot of people who say that they learned about it from their friends.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So it is very much helping us when you tell your friends about the podcast. So thank you.
Kim: When you trick your friends into listening to the podcast.
Sequoia: When you trick your friends… trick them. Our Patreon is on hold. We will be relaunching it…
Kim: Soon.
Sequoia: …very soon. In the next couple of weeks. So…
Kim: Yep, keep an eye out for that. It’s gonna be better than ever.
Sequoia: [announcer voice] Better than ever! Special thanks to the Whomping Willows for our theme song. It is Wolfstar off of the album 1975.
Kim: So check that out. We do love our new theme song.
Sequoia: Yes.
[both inhale loudly]
Both: [shouting] Byeeeeeeeeee!
[both laugh]