Episode 49: The Month of the Twenty-Seven Knives
In this episode we’ve done our Dinklebest to throw you for a loop, so watch out on the predictions!
Recommendation: Starting to Heal
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2896562/1/Starting-to-Heal%C2%A0
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Eva
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Hey, what if we did…
Sequoia: Shh!
Kim: What if we…
Sequoia: Wait, no, we're not doing…
Kim: What if we…
Sequoia: We can’t do this today. We got some... we got to… no!
Kim: What if we…
Sequoia: Shh!
Kim: What if dr… [makes noises]
Sequoia: No, we're getting to... we got something new and exciting, and you can't talk, okay. We're getting to it right now.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows): You know we really love you/And it ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Did you like what just happened?
Sequoia: Oh my god, you guys. We're so excited.
Kim: We… [both start laughing]
Sequoia: This… this has been a long time coming, you guys don’t even know.
Kim: Very long time coming.
Sequoia: We basically were like, oh, you know what, we'll start this podcast.
Kim: Like almost, no, two years ago probably at this point.
Sequoia: Two years ago.
Kim: We were planning the podcast. And I was like, wouldn't it be funny if our theme music was the fart noise? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: And then I made several versions of the Hedwig’s Theme into a fart noise that were just too gross. So then we went Hogwarts theme into a record scratch and we were like, you know what? This is temporary.
Kim: This is temporary. Yeah, we're gonna fix this. We're gonna change this. Almost two years later. We did it!
Sequoia: We did it. We've finally done it. We're here. We got a new theme song.
Kim: I hope you really liked it.
Sequoia: Yeah, that song is called Wolfstar. It's by the Whomping Willows off of the album 1975.
Kim: Thank you so much for letting us use that.
Sequoia: Yes. Thank you so much, Matt. We tweeted at him. And he was nice enough to tweet back and say that we could use it. So we're so excited to have this new theme song that we love. We hope you love it too.
Kim: I love it. And if this is… [snorts]
Sequoia: And if you... that's always been the theme song to you... Cause I'm gonna go back.
Kim: Sequoia has a plan.
Sequoia: I got to put it on... well, Hedwig’s Theme is [quietly] technically copyrighted. So I'm... [starts laughing] I’m gonna go back and put this on all of our episodes, and then somebody in the future is gonna be like, that's always been the theme song, what the fuck are you talking about?
Kim: And to those of you, where the theme song changed, and we didn't talk about it, and you wondered why that happened… [Sequoia laughs] This is why.
Sequoia: Welcome. Welcome to wibbly wobbly timey wimey podcasting. [Kim laughs] So, we've got a lot to talk about today, you guys.
Kim: Big changes!
Sequoia: Big things.
Kim: Coming at you!
Sequoia: I went to a podcast convention and I came back and I was like...
Kim: She came back with this notebook… [Sequoia laughs in the background] and I thought I was in trouble. She was like, “We have to have a meeting. Come to my house. We have to have a meeting.”
Sequoia: We did, we had a meeting. You weren't in trouble. Well, you were in a little bit of trouble. Yeah, a little bit of trouble.
Kim: I'm always in trouble. I'm aaalllways in trouble.
Sequoia: So. Patreon, we got some Patreon announcements to make. First things first, we are donating all of the money that we made in June on Patreon to the Trevor Project.
Kim: Yep. Happy Pride!
Sequoia: Happy Pride Month! Woo! Second thing. For the month of July, we are putting the Patreon on hiatus.
Kim: Not the podcast.
Sequoia: Not the podcast.
Kim: Do not be afraid.
Sequoia: Yeah, the content, as the podcast will continue to happen. The Patreon will not charge you for July.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: It's gonna be put on pause so that we can retool the whole thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And relaunch it.
Kim: Because here's the thing, everyone, you know how we were just talking about how the theme song was made before we knew what we were doing…
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: The Patreon… [Sequoia chuckles] Oh dear lord! Patreon...
Sequoia: Yeah, that came out with our third episode.
Kim: We were like, what if there's a $50 tier? [makes fart noise, Sequoia laughs] It was a bad idea.
Sequoia: We… we didn't know what we were doing. I went to some really really cool panels at PodX that were hosted by Patreon and I learned many many things and we wanna make it really, like, worthwhile and fun for you to be there. So, we're gonna…
Kim: With that…
Sequoia: With that, we're gonna have a survey because we want it to be cool and worthwhile for you to be there.
Kim: The survey is not just for patrons. We can't underline that enough.
Sequoia: Stress that enough. Every... we want every single one of you to take the survey cause there will also be other shit on it like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Your, like, houses and stuff.
Kim: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're gonna try to collect some stats on our listeners.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What house are you in?
Sequoia: Mhm. Stuff like that.
Kim: What’s your favorite Draco pairing?
Sequoia: Exactly. So, we just want… yeah, we need some… we need some cool stats, like what’s your favorite Draco pairing.
Kim: I need to know. I need to know what the embodiment of…
Both: Your soul is! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Throwin’ it back.
Kim: That’s a good one.
Sequoia: Yeah, so the survey will go out for everyone. It is in the description of this episode.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: There is also a link on Twitter. [both chuckle]
Kim: It’ll pro… there will probably be a link on Twitter, Facebook...
Sequoia: Facebook, Instagram, and we will…
Kim: And maybe our website, who knows.
Sequoia: And our website.
Kim: It’ll be somewhere.
Sequoia: We’ll just continue to throw that at you for a little while too cause that won't close till like mid Julyish.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So, that is there, everyone take that. Don't be alarmed when Patreon does not charge you in July.
Kim: Don't be alarmed when Patreon comes back better than ever!
Sequoia: Boom! [one of them snorts] Jesus Christ. [both laugh] So yeah, those are our Patreon announcements. Lots going on. Now…
Kim: Tangential to Patreon.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. Cause on Patreon, we were releasing stuff that we wrote.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: As a, like, a six-month early access thing. I…
Kim: That’s what we said.
Sequoia: Yeah, mine went up at like... I’m at like eight months now.
Kim: That's fine.
Sequoia: Finally putting it up on harrypotterfanfiction.com.
Kim: Nobody’s reading. There’s like, two people reading mine.
Sequoia: It's fine. So the link to my story that was up on Patreon for the last eight months will be in the description as well. Lots of stuff in the description.
Kim: And also being posted on... you said you're gonna put it on…
Sequoia: harrypotterfanfiction.com
Kim: What's your username?
Sequoia: writersmore.
Kim: Okay, so check that out.
Sequoia: Yeah. If... you know what, here's the thing, though.
Kim: Why isn't your username ronscutiepie? How is anyone gonna find you?
Sequoia: I know, maybe I'll just make a new one. [Kim laughs] Honestly, because who knows if I can really get into that old one, actually. Now that I'm thinking about it. I've had the same... well, who knows? We'll see. It'll be somewhere. There'll be a link in the description. We're doing it.
Kim: Right. One last announcement, I think?
Sequoia: One last announcement.
Kim: The t-shirts. We said we were gonna make them. We're waiting to order them...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: A second.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're waiting a minute. We're waiting to hear back... we're going to Leakycon in Boston in October.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we were hoping to have a booth space there, so we're waiting to hear back from them. If we do get a booth space, we gotta order a lot more t-shirts.
Kim: Cause they're sick!
Sequoia: Cause they're sick! Yeah, so we're just waiting to hear back from them and then we will order t-shirts. So we will keep you guys updated as soon as we are ready to order them.
Kim: Yeah, they're coming.
Sequoia: They're coming.
Kim: We’re just bad people.
Sequoia: I know, you guys have... keep asking, keep asking us for them. But we'd really like to do one big order if we need lots of them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So we gotta hear back on that.
Kim: Yep. [Sequoia sighs] Nice. We're skipping the review section today.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're skipping the reviews because we had [singing] so many things to say. And we've got more stuff to say. We got some social media and email and... [voice goes higher] mail stuff to say?
Kim: So we bought a PO box.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: We rented a PO box because we got two requests in a week to mail us something and something showed up in the mailbox.
Sequoia: We got like, unannounced mail.
Kim: Yeah, it wasn't one of the people that had asked us to send something.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: It just showed up!
Sequoia: And it was more…
Kim: It was more…
Sequoia: Points moon… [Kim snorts] fanart! [both laugh] We didn’t know that you guys loved the points moon so much, but like, we're way stoked on it. [laughs] We love that you love the points moon. [both chuckle] So thank you so much for sending us mail. Our address is on our Contact Us page.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: On our website.
Kim: If you wanna mail us some stuff. Do mail us stuff!
Sequoia: Do, yeah, it's fun to get.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I'm way into it.
Kim: Going to the post… Open the box. And there’s something in there?
Sequoia: Right, I… I feel very like... I don't know, it feels very businessy when I go in and open the PO box and get a key to the PO box at the post office.
Kim: I’m here, I’m here to do a business!
Sequoia: I’m here to… [breaks down with laughter] do a business.
Kim: Oh, I got some fanart for my podcast.
Sequoia: Businesswoman.
Kim: Don’t ask what my podcast is about, normal post office people. [Sequoia chuckles]
Sequoia: Last time... so last episode, we asked you guys, I asked you guys for my... for me... to, to reach out and tell us the most embarrassing fanfic you ever wrote.
Kim: You guys really…
Sequoia: You came through.
Kim: You're such… [stumbling] great authors.
Sequoia: You guys are wonderful. And I cannot say enough how much I appreciate what you've done for me.
Kim: Yeah. Also, I'm... thank you to Jen for sharing hers once I bullied you into sharing it with the internet at large.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: I'm not sorry because it's great. I read that shit. That was uh… [laughs]
Sequoia: Incredible. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, guys. Man. What a cool bunch of nerds. All right.
Kim: Here we go, let’s fucking do this.
Sequoia: Let’s fucking… okay, let’s fucking do it. Let's get some predictions in. Make sure to tweet them at us, #FanficDivination, and do @ us.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Your predictions.
Kim: We got some great ones last time, didn’t we?
Sequoia: We did! [laughs] We did get some good ones. Also, I appreciated some people's backup to me.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Being that Sequoia should have gotten a point cause you should’ve let her do her original prediction.
Kim: Nnnno! It was too obv… You know what? I mean, we're already doing really badly at this game, but I feel like, I feel like the original spirit of the game was for it to be... not to be the most obvious prediction.
Sequoia: That's true. We are like...
Kim: Especially in a two-parter.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Where you can see where a story's going. If you'd been like, I predict they're gonna get married in China, [Sequoia laughs] I would have accepted that.
Sequoia: Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: I predict they're gonna get married and Sirius is gonna attend with McGonagall as his fiance.
Sequoia: I, I like…
Kim: That’s a great prediction, Sequoia.
Sequoia: One of my favorite things is when like, we get people tweet at us their predictions, and I see a prediction where I'm like, man, Kim would not let that fly. [both laugh] And then I reply and I'm like, I love this prediction. Kim is literally side-eyeing you right now. Like currently, she's like, no.
Kim: I mean, it's not like we ever codified the rules, but…
Sequoia: There aren’t any rules.
Kim: There are rules in here! I'm tapping on my forehead, and my brain’s rattling around.
Sequoia: I’m gonna… I can hear that. I can hear that noise.
Kim: Okay, okay, good. That's my brain rattling around. As I tap on my head, where the rules are.
Sequoia: Oh, I can hear the rules. All of a sudden, here I am, I'm enlightened. Now I know how the podcast works. Okay, your predictions are for a story titled The Month of the Twenty-seven Knives. [Kim snorts harshly, Sequoia laughs] This story is adventure/romance.
Kim: No! [laughs painfully]
Sequoia: And it came out after Goblet of Fire.
Kim: Fuck yes! [Sequoia laughs] The Night of the 20…
Sequoia: The Month of the Twenty-seven Knives! [quiet pause while both are chuckling, then Sequoia sighs]
Kim: [under her breath] Oh my god.
Sequoia: I like doing this thing where I pause for dramatic effect for you cause like, the listeners saw it, it's the title. It's the title of the episode.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: [laughing] But you…
Kim: You know, I never thought about that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I'm the only one that's surprised.
Sequoia: You’re the one who’s surprised. It's the title of the episode.
Kim: Mmm… [chuckles] Can I predict that Voldemort will be dead by the end of this fic?
Sequoia: So he's alive at the beginning of it and dead at the end of it?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [pause] Yeah. Are you saying that like… [hesitantly] does it, does it…
Kim: He's going to be killed in this fic.
Sequoia: In this… he is… he is in it. And he… [Kim makes a hesitant noise, Sequoia joins in]
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: He's gonna be… when I hear adventure, especially like… no, any time period. When I hear adventure, I assume they're going on an adventure to kill Voldemort.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Okay, cool, cool, cool, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: But that's probably not true, actually. This is probably a Marauders fic, now that I'm thinking about it. Know what, this is nothing. You’re not giving me anything! You’re… it’s a wall.
Sequoia: No, of course, I'm not.
Kim: I'm just, I'm so far behind.
Sequoia: Yeah, give me one crazy one. And then like, hedge your bets a little on the next two.
Kim: Mmm… romance is... Harry/Hermione.
Sequoia: All right. [Kim chuckles] That's bold, thinking I’d bring that to the table. I like it.
Kim: Hmm, yeah, that's another bad prediction. Woof. [Sequoia laughs] Ummm…
Sequoia: Woof.
Kim: There's gonna be a... magical artifact manufactured for this story.
Sequoia: Okay, cool, that's a good one.
Kim: By the author, not in as… during the...
Sequoia: Right, right, right. But the author makes up one that we did not see in the books.
Kim: Yeah. Magical artifact.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Voldemort's murdered. Harry/Hermione.
Sequoia: Great, great, great. Here we go. [laughs] Here we go, it's time for The Month of the Twenty-seven Knives.
Kim: The fuck is that title?
Sequoia: [laughs] Only good. Okay. We begin... with a prologue.
Kim: Yeeeees.
Sequoia: And okay, I… I… I need to specify this a little bit. The prologue is just a flash forward. It's not really a prologue. [Kim giggles in the background] That… that's a mislead. It says prologue but that's misleading.
Kim: It says prologue?
Sequoia: It says prologue but it's not a prologue.
Kim: Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, I got it, I got it. This is… this is a good… this is a fine structuring thing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I think it's cool.
Sequoia: Mhm. All right.
Kim: But it is weird that they would call it a prologue.
Sequoia: Right. ‘Cause yeah, yeah, yeah. [sighs, takes a moment] Am I gonna do this? Okay, here I go.
Kim: Are you doing a voice?
Sequoia: [laughing quietly] Here I go.
Kim: Are you about to do a voice at me?
Sequoia: [clears her throat] I need a… [uses vocal fry] “Dracooo!” [both burst out laughing] Did I do it right?
Kim: [squealing] You diiiid!
Sequoia: Did I do it right? [laughs, Kim squeals more]
Kim: Did you… was this a character specific search?
Sequoia: Uh uh.
Kim: JD! Look what we found!
Sequoia: JD! JD, we did it again! Three episodes in a row, JD!
Kim: For you!
Sequoia: For you.
Kim: Okay, give it to me again.
Sequoia: Here's the thing is, I don't know that [through laughter] I wanna do that the whole time.
Kim: Yeah. You don’t have to. That once was enough.
Sequoia: Like, I had to do it at least the one time.
Kim: Chills, I have chills.
Sequoia: [laughing] Chills, goddamnit. [chuckles] Oh yeah, I'm not gonna horrify the listeners as you did.
Kim: [defending herself] They loved it! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: All right. “Draco!” the girl screamed, “Quick! Keep him here on the ground.” Draco Malfoy blinked. The man thrashing on the cobblestones managed to throw out a fist connecting with the girl's face. And in a throw of arms and legs she was on her back beside him. Her clutch full of his shirt ripping off in her hand.
Kim: This is thrilling. [Sequoia laughs] I have nothing to say, this is thrilling.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's good, it's good. The man tried to crawl away. The girl launched herself onto her feet and grabbed on.
Kim: I do kinda like Cho just beating the shit out of this guy.
Sequoia: Yeah, no, she's like straight up kicking his ass.
Kim: It's not Draco, though, ‘cause she's asking Draco for help kicking this guy’s ass.
Sequoia: Yeah, she's like, Draco, help me! And Draco's like, whaaa…?
Kim: And she's like, punch-punch-punch!
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: She didn't need help.
Sequoia: He kicked and flailed, wriggling back on his torso, gasping, trying to beat her away. “Draco!” she screamed. [Kim snorts] [annoyed voice] “Whaaat?” Draco stared.
Kim: Draco! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco! Fucking help!
Kim: Whaaaat?
Sequoia: [whining] Whaaaat? What am I supposed to dooo?
Kim: Yeah, that sounds right.
Sequoia: Draco stared, his mouth open. The girl had flung herself on the man's back. One of his arms was around his neck, and the other fist was pummeling at the back of his skull.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: She’s beating the shit out of this guy, okay?
Kim: What did the guy do? Who… is it… is it Harry? [Sequoia laughs] She’s like, fucking Harry! Draco, help me kick the shit out of Harry!
Sequoia: They’re just like, out by the greenhouses. Cho’s just beating the shit out of Harry.
Kim: Are they not…They’re in Hog… did it say they’re in Hogsmeade?
Sequoia: This doesn’t say where they are, my dude.
Kim: Oh, I assumed they're in Hogs… okay, fine! I’ve no idea what’s happening.
Sequoia: No fucking idea where they are.
Kim: Great. Oh, really? I don't have any idea where they are?
Sequoia: We do not know where they are.
Kim: Exciting.
Sequoia: She was pummeling the back of his skull.
Kim: They’re in China. [Sequoia laughs] I got it. Got ‘em!
Sequoia: That's a good guess, that’s a good guess. See, this was unfair, cause you couldn't have guessed that I was gonna do Cho Chang again.
Kim: Yeah. There was no way to know.
Sequoia: You know, unfair. [both sigh] Snarling, thrashing, the man had grabbed hold of her hair. With a cry, she twisted free. She sunk her teeth into his shoulder.
Kim: Damn. [both giggle]
Sequoia: He shrieked. She grabbed a handful of his hair and smashed his head down against the ground.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: There was a sickening crunch.
Kim: What the fuck? Did Cho just kill a guy?
Sequoia: [laughing] She just fucking killed this guy!
Kim: Oh my gosh!
Sequoia: [laughing] You have magic! [both laugh like they’re in pain]
Kim: Draco, use magic!
Sequoia: Anyone use magic!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: The man stopped moving. Panting, the girl staggered up to her feet and looked around wildly. Draco stood, watching, his mouth open. [Kim laughs] He was standing on a little paved pathway in the park. It was around noon, and the sun shone down full and warm through the trees.
Kim: They’re just like, in the middle of a public park.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: End prologue. [both laugh]
Kim: You mean flash forward?
Sequoia: I mean flash forward. I mean flash forward.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: That morning the younger Malfoy had traveled by floo powder with his mother to the penthouse of one of her witch friends, Jezebel Dinklewurst. [Kim snorts, they both start laughing]
Kim: [gasping] Jezebel, Jezebel…
Both: Jezebel Dinklewurst!
Sequoia: Exactly. [both laugh like they’re in pain again] Oh I can’t...
Kim: That’s the best name ever.
Sequoia: So good. Jezebel Dinklewurst, close friend of Narcissa Malfoy.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: Narcissa Malfoy would never be friends with anyone named Jezebel Dinklewurst.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Just like, not even…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Penthouse in London.
Kim: She'd only be friends with Jezebel Dinklebest. [Sequoia laughs, then makes agonized noises] The time period that it took me to say that was me thinking if I should say that or not.
Sequoia: It immediately popped into your head, but you had to sort of process and see whether that was gonna land.
Kim: Yeah, I was like, I was like, is this… no. Like, should I say this or am I gonna get in trouble? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Nope. I think… I mean, you're in trouble from me. That's a whole different… [starts laughing] A whole different standard, a whole different set of rules.
Kim: Oh okay. Coo-coo.
Sequoia: So they're in London with Jezebel Dinklewurst. They were there for tea.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Narcissa and Jezebel had been close since their schoolgirl days together in Switzerland at Madam Lycurgus’s finishing school for young ladies.
Kim: Narcissa went to a Swiss finishing school.
Sequoia: Yeah, but I assume also, it's magic.
Kim: Swiss magic finishing school?
Sequoia: A magic finishing school that only she went to because we definitely know that her sisters went to Hogwarts. [both laugh] But she… she...
Kim: Maybe… maybe she went there… maybe she went there when she was like little, before Hogwarts?
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, pre Hogwarts. She went there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which would mean that Jezebel Dinklewurst is also a muggle?
Kim: Not necessarily.
Sequoia: True. She could have been from somewhere where she ended… She was probably…
Kim: They’ve been friend… They’ve been friends… they've been friends since then.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: So maybe she went to… Beauxbatons. [both snort]
Kim: Jezebel Dinklewurst!
Sequoia: Jezebel Dinklewurst! The Dinklewursts had a son too. Malcolm, a nervous...
Kim: Malcolm?
Sequoia: Malcolm.
Kim: Malcolm Dinklewurst?
Sequoia: Malcolm Dinklewurst. There's no name that you can put in front of Dinklewurst that isn't nuts! [laughs]
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Yeah, you can't just say, wow, Malcolm Dinklewurst, what a dumb name!
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Malcolm, a nervous twitching boy a year or two younger than Draco.
Kim: He wasn't sure. He didn't fucking care.
Sequoia: He didn’t know. He doesn’t fucking care! He obviously hates Jezebel Dinklewurst.
Kim: Is this the… is this who Cho’s gonna murder? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Cho… Cho’s gonna bash her face into the ground. Yeah, sure. Sure, sure, sure. As it turned out, however, Malcolm had gone off on a last minute visit to his fourth cousins. [Kim snorts] He did not want to see Draco.
Kim: He’s like, I have…
Sequoia: Draco’s coming, I gotta fucking go.
Kim: I meaaaaan, he’s not wrong.
Sequoia: He’s not wrong. Run! Over the scones and shortcake, the two witches had chatted about…
Kim: Witches!
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh, two witches. Yeah, there you go. There you go.
Kim: There you go! They went to Swiss finishing school elementary school school. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I'm gonna open one and just call it that. No name, which is what... I can't even remember what you said any more.
Kim: There’s a spider on the wall.
Sequoia: Two non-sec… Oh, wow. It's getting very close to Kim's bedtime. I just want to make that very clear.
Kim: Bedtime?
Sequoia: It's almost your bedtime.
Kim: Whoo. Whoo!
Sequoia: Whoo. Whoo, buddy. Whoo, buddy.
Kim: It’s 8:30! [both laugh] Bedtime?
Sequoia: Oh, no. Over the scones and shortcake, the two witches had chatted about inane womanly things. [Kim makes a derisive sound] Draco sat, a teacup in hand...
Kim: [quietly] Womanly things.
Sequoia: [chuckles] ...his toes wiggling impatiently in his shoes. The scones were a disgrace. [both laugh]
Kim: Disgraceful!
Sequoia: He just fucking doesn't like anything.
Kim: “These are disgraceful scones! They are a disgrace to all sconekind!” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Probably withered by Jezebel's perfumed breath in her blemishless kitchen as she intoned every fat-removing calorie-reducing spell imaginable over them.
Kim: Oh, yeah, that would taste gross.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I do like that the author has decided that those are spells though. That's great.
Sequoia: Yeah, I like that a lot! There's... this author does a lot of fun things like that.
Kim: That’s, that’s a clever use of magic.
Sequoia: Yeah, they are magic!
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But only when removing calories from food and not when...
Kim: And not when beating the shit out of a guy in a park!
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: I like it!
Sequoia: He puckered his lips distastefully. Above the mantel, an enormous family portrait of the Dinklewursts hung, framed in gold. Romanius Dinklewurst [starts laughing] glared out of the…
Kim: [painfully] Noooo…
Sequoia: [laughing] ...canvas.
Kim: Jezebel and…
Both: ...Romanius!
Sequoia: Dinklewurst.
Kim: Awesome!
Sequoia: [makes a high-pitched sound, Kim sighs] Well, you know...
Kim: When are we gonna get to the knives?! [Sequoia laughs] That was loud, I'm sorry.
Sequoia: Let me just blow out the microphones, screaming about the knives!
Kim: [screaming slightly in the distance] When are we gonna get to the knives? Is that better?
Sequoia: You know what I keep thinking every time I say this name? Dinklewurst!
Kim: Yep. Yep, me too.
Sequoia: Every time. Every time, I can't stop.
Kim: Me too.
Sequoia: Romanius Dinklewurst glared out of the canvas, his black robes gathered at the waist in some kind of jeweled girdle, while Jezebel smiled synthetically to one side, in between them, Malcolm hunched, looking sick and very nervous. Draco sneered.
Kim: He couldn't even do a nice portrait of this family?
Sequoia: No, here's the thing though. I bet it's a nice portrait all the time but as soon as Draco is there even portrait Malcolm is like, oh god. Oh god, I'm going to vomit! [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, yeah, just being like a normal kid having to hang out with Draco socially. Oof.
Sequoia: Mhm, no, no, no, no, no.
Kim: Can't be good. He don't... he'd be all like, listen to this song I'm composing about Weasley! [Sequoia laughs] I need you to sing harmony! That's what hanging out with Draco's like, I assume.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’ll be like, I know Harry Potter, and one time he fainted. [Kim laughs] Did you know that the Weasleys are poor? Good, good, good. Across from Draco the conversation had grown more... intimate.
Kim: Ooh.
Sequoia: The two heads (blonde and blonder) were angled towards each other and...
Kim: Are they gonna make out?
Sequoia: Not while Draco's there.
Kim: Draco, go away.
Sequoia: That's what's gonna happen. [starts laughing]
Kim: Oh, sweet!
Sequoia: Yeah! His mom is definitely up to something with Jezebel.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: And Jezebel leaned over and whispered something in Narcissa’s ear. Narcissa let out a shocked giggle. [Kim snorts] She whispered something back and Jezebel had continued into her ear, more excitedly. They giggled.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “But... Draco…” Narcissa had waved a white hand. More whispering. [laughs]
Kim: Holy shit! Draco, fucking run, dude!
Sequoia: Get the fuck out, man!
Kim: Time to go! [Sequoia laughs] Malcolm knew.
Sequoia: Yeah! Malcolm knew enough to go visit his fourth cousins. The two witches had turned to look at him. From his seat on the sofa, Draco had looked back, his eyes narrowed. “Draco, my love...”
Kim: Come on, Draco. Put, put two and two together, dude. It's time to go!
Sequoia: It’s time to get out. Not that you wanna be in there in the first fucking place, dude!
Kim: Yes, that's true.
Sequoia: “Draco, my love,” Narcissa had begun in her high listless voice. “This must be very dull for you. It's a pity Malcolm isn't here to keep you company. Jezebel and I will be... a while. [Kim snorts] Talking.” [Kim snorts]
Kim: Taaaalking.
Sequoia: Taaaalking. [Kim makes slapping noises with her hands] Oh, yeah, there we go. There it is. That's it. That's… that’s the one. [Kim continues with the noises, Sequoia sighs] I just wait until it ends. [laughs] Are your hands okay?
Kim: Well, I mean, I was hitting... my ring kept hitting my knuckle very painfully. [Sequoia laughs] I suffer. I suffer.
Sequoia: And yet you kept… you suffer for your art, yes. [both chuckle] “Perhaps you might find something to occupy yourself with? Outside?” [Kim snorts]
Kim: Leave the building!
Sequoia: Leave! Draco!
Kim: Leave the building! Go outside. Don't come back.
Sequoia: “Outside where?” Draco had found... frowned. Draco had frowned suspiciously.
Kim: I mean, outside’s a biiiig place.
Sequoia: It’s a big ol’ place. You can run into anyone out there.
Kim: Gooooo…. go any… Oh no. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Narcissa gestured vaguely towards a window. “Well... out! Anywhere! We won't be going home till a little later. Jezebel and I will be... drinking tea. In the apartment. You could enjoy some time to yourself outside.” [Kim snorts, Sequoia starts chuckling]
Kim: Just send him…
Sequoia: Fucking leave!
Kim: Just send him home! I guess it's suspicious if he goes home without her. Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. It is.
Kim: Go wander around outside by yourself, Draco. It's good for you.
Sequoia: “Outside in the street?!” [Kim snorts, Sequoia laughs] Like some common person?
Kim: The street!
Sequoia: The street? Do you know what's on the street?
Kim: People!
Sequoia: Regular people! No interest in associating with… Muggles are out there. Draco choked, scandalized. [Kim laughs] Wait. Wait, wait, wait. “What? Out in London with dirty Muggles?” Did we decide that Jezebel’ was southern? I'm not gonna do it.
Kim: No, we can't decide that, we’re not allowed to.
Sequoia: [laughing] We can’t, we’re not allowed, we've been told. “Only for a little while, darling,” Jezebel had broken in, oblivious to the venom rolling off Draco in waves. “As I always say…”
Kim: I can’t go outside, I'm an inside boy.
Sequoia: [laughing] I’m an inside boy. He is an inside boy!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “You’ll have a lovely time while Narcissa and I... are… busy.” [Kim snorts, Sequoia laughs quietly] “And such a pale child too,” Jezebel chirped, pursing her red lips. “Why ever is the boy such a nasty shade, Narcissa?”
Kim: The boy’s nasty! Such a nasty boy.
Sequoia: “A few hours of sunlight would do wonders for…” “A few HOURS?!” [both laugh]
Kim: No, Draco's right, what the fuck?
Sequoia: Draco’s right. Listen, they gotta drink some… tea. [Kim snorts] They’re gonna be… busy. Mmm… talking.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: “I think there's a bookshelf,” said Jezebel Dinklewurst. “By the door. Take a book or something with you, darling.” Livid, Draco had shot a look of appeal at his mother. Narcissa smiled back vapidly. “You can come back at four o'clock. Or later.” [Kim laughs] The two witches had giggled again. “Unbelievable. Just wait till myyy faaather…”
Kim: Yeeees! [Sequoia laughs] Like, Narcissa, what is your plan here? You know Draco is going…
Both: ...to tell his faather!
Kim: The second he gets back…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …about his ill treatment.
Sequoia: Like, Dad, they sent me away. For…
Both: ...hoooouuurs!
Sequoia: So, following a long fuming elevator ride, in which Draco had felt justified in stamping out a big heel shaped hole in the plush elevator carpeting, Draco had found himself out alone in a city brimming with Muggles. Scowling, having no idea where to go or what to do, he had rounded the corner and crossed a few streets haphazardly.
Kim: Not a great idea.
Sequoia: No, dude, how are you, like…
Kim: This is a bad, this is…
Sequoia: Drop some breadcrumbs or some shit, you idiot.
Kim: …idea…
Sequoia: Everywhere he looked, people were talking and laughing. Men and women sauntered about in shorts and sleeveless blouses and other strange Muggle clothing. [Kim snorts]
Kim: Draco's never seen anything sleeveless before.
Sequoia: Draco’s literally in all black robes, you guys.
Kim: You think? You think?
Sequoia: Abso-fucking-lutely.
Kim: [quietly] Dang.
Sequoia: A spotted dog was defecating on the pavement, its owner standing by patiently. Outrageous, simply outrageous. [Kim laughs quietly]
Kim: Sequoia, where are the kniiiives?
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay, you gotta be… You gotta be patient.
Kim: [makes a sound expressing her annoyance at having to wait]
Sequoia: After a few minutes of trudging Draco could no longer be sure he could find his way back to the Dinklewurst place.
Kim: Right. As expected.
Sequoia: “Well, good for them,” he thought viciously.
Kim: I'll die and that will show them! That what he’s thinking?
Sequoia: “I’m lost and it’s all my mother’s fault. Mother and that Jezebel monstrosity, whatever they were up to.”
Kim: This is such great writing for Draco.
Sequoia: This is per-fect…
Kim: I love it.
Sequoia: ...Draco writing.
Kim: Dig this.
Sequoia: “It was summer though and soon Draco was beginning to sweat in his hefty ankle length boots. His legs were beginning to tire too. Holding on his copy of Dementia and Malevolence Through the Ages tightly, [Kim snorts and Sequoia starts laughing] he looked around for a place to sit.
Kim: What the fuck is this book he picked?
Sequoia: He just likes to read about… mm-meanness.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Death and meanness.
Kim: All right, fine.
Sequoia: It's classic.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: You know, you've never read Dementia and Malevolence Through the Ages?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: It was then he had spotted the park.
Kim: Uh oh. Don’t go there.
Sequoia: When he had heard the girl scream out his name...
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: …he had wondered if the entire world was gone insane.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: The two figures were thrashing about on the ground like worms, and the girl seemed to be packing quite a lot of punch into her blows for someone so slight. There was blood splattered on the cobblestones. [Kim starts laughing] He just like fucking waltzed into this shit. [Kim says something unintelligible through laughter] Yeah, he's…
Kim: This is not how I expected this to go. [Sequoia laughs] I like it.
Sequoia: He had recognized her, of course. It was Cho Chang from Hogwarts, that Ravenclaw seeker. Cho Chang had staggered up to her feet, looking about wildly.
Kim: After she murdered the guy?
Sequoia: This is after she… the guy is dead on the ground.
Kim: Riiiight.
Sequoia: I think is how this goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dead guy, dead guy, dead guy.
Kim: He seemed pretty dead.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.
Kim: She cracked his skull open. And left his brains on the pavement is what it sounded like.
Sequoia: Yeah. There’s blood everywhere. Draco’s no help.
Kim: She’s hard.
Sequoia: She's… yeah, she's… she's got some stuff going on.
Kim: Stone cold killer. You know what her stuff is? [starts laughing]
Sequoia: [giggling] Did you… did you know? [both laugh and weep at the same time]
Kim: [struggling through laughter] Can’t even bring myself to say it!
Sequoia: [takes a deep breath] Did you know that Cedric’s dead? [laughs]
Kim: [incredulous] What?! [pause for laughing and weeping] Poor Cho. Poor Cho.
Sequoia: Poor Cho. Cho Chang had staggered up to her feet, looking about wildly. Now she was pushing her way through the small crowd of people who had gathered around along the pathway, her eyes searching desperately. [both start laughing]
Kim: So a ton of people…
Sequoia: A ton of people were like, did that man just die? [laughs]
Kim: Gooood. Greeeat.
Sequoia: The people gasped and muttered, pointing down at the man with horrified interest.
Kim: Because he's fucking dead.
Sequoia: He's very dead. A few mothers were trying to pull away their children quickly.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Whoa...” said a little boy, his eyes big. [Kim chuckles] “What's this all about?” An old lady demanded.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Are you all right, miss?”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “Call the police!”
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: “Help?” [both laugh]
Kim: This is good crowd noise.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s like, yeah. This person is just like, who do I help? Help? Is there help? Who's helping? Can I help? Is she helping?
Kim: I identify with that. I need help?
Sequoia: Someone help!
Kim: I think I need help.
Sequoia: Shaking her head impatiently, her gaze locking with Draco's again for one brief moment, Cho Chang was off on Olympic sprint through the trees. [Kim snorts, Sequoia starts laughing] She just killed a dude, man! She gotta take off!
Kim: She's gotta go. That's fine.
Sequoia: She can't stay there. There's a little boy and an old lady and someone who might call the police.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Draco, realizing his mouth was still open, snapped it shut with a sputter. He took a half step towards the body on the cobbles, then whirled around to gape, incredulous, after the disappearing girl. “Cho?!” [Kim starts laughing] “What?!” [both laugh]
Kim: Draco… Draco, you don't want to be part of this.
Sequoia: Draco. This is the point where Draco should just be like, huh, yes. So about going back to the Dinklewursts…
Kim: Byeee!
Sequoia: Bye! This is too much for me. [pause] “Just sit on him!” And she was already gone.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: She's asking him to…
Kim: Sit on the dead body.
Sequoia: Stay with the dead body.
Kim: Okay…
Sequoia: And just like…
Both: ...hang out?
Sequoia: With the dead body.
Kim: Okay. Does she not realize she killed him?
Sequoia: I think he's dead.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I don't remember if he's dead. [laughs]
Kim: Continue then!
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Where are the fucking… knives?!
Sequoia: [laughing] Knives!
Kim: Not even one knife yet, Sequoia!
Sequoia: [still laughing] Oh my god. [laughs] I’m sorry. Scowling, Draco turned back to the unfortunate scene. “Insanity.”
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: The crowd had thinned somewhat, but those who had remained had moved their stares on to him.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: A fellow with three nose rings and a tongue piercing came up.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “You her friend, junior?” he asked. “She going to be coming back?” [pause] I can’t tell if he’s asking that because he’s scared. [laughs]
Kim: Or because he wants to help?
Sequoia: Or because he wants to help?
Kim: I don’t know what’s happening here. I’m guessing Draco doesn’t either though, so it’s fine.
Sequoia: No, he has no idea what the fuck is happening. A tourist had pulled out his camera and was taking pictures of the prone man. [Kim snorts]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Are you…” said the punk, lowering his voice, “…part of some kind of cult?”
Kim: Draco is definitely dressed like he’s in a cult.
Sequoia: Abso-fucking-lutely he is.
Kim: Yeah. All right.
Sequoia: “Does she have an email address?” [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, he’s into it, that’s a… that’s fine, I guess.
Sequoia: That guy is into it, is she coming back, does she have an email address?
Kim: What’s her AOL? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: AOL…
Kim: Can I…
Sequoia: I guess that lines… that lines up timewise.
Kim: Does it?
Sequoia: Sorta… I dunno.
Kim: 1995-ish?
Sequoia: Man, I’m too… I was too young to know what was going on at that time.
Kim: Yeaaah.
Sequoia: [sighs] Draco had no idea what he was supposed to do. “All right.” He did his best impression of his father and said in the coldest, most authoritative voice he could muster, “Everyone, bugger off. Just bugger off.” [Kim starts laughing in the background] “Now.”
Kim: Yeah, that’s gonna… that’s gonna work.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’ll work.
Sequoia: Nothing to see here. Please continue on your walk.
Kim: Just go fuck yourself.
Sequoia: Everything is fine. This man is not dead. He doesn’t say that. Soon, there was just him and the man on the ground.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Draco shifted nervously from one foot to the other.
Kim: Cannot believe that worked.
Sequoia: Yeah, he was just like, bugger off, in a voice, and he looks like a cult member so everybody just fucked off?
Kim: I know! Like fifteen year old…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And this dude is dead. Somebody just killed this dude and this guy is like, leave. I’d be like, ‘kay, bye! [both laugh]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Draco shifted nervously from one foot to the other and peered around the park. No Cho Chang. Was she coming back? [Kim snorts] Now that the shock was wearing off, irritation was rising quickly.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: Simply outrageous. [both burst out laughing]
Kim: Oh my god, Draco.
Sequoia: How dare she?
Kim: Ask me to help!
Sequoia: With this dead body!
Kim: This is not my problem.
Sequoia: Going on a walk. [both laugh for a bit] He wondered if he should leave. After all…
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: …this had nothing at all to do with him.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: If Cho Chang liked to spend her days attacking men and acting like a total madwoman, what right did she have to drag him into it? It wasn’t as if they knew each other. He was only in the park because his mother and Jezebel Dinklewurst were doing god-knows-what in that penthouse [Kim snorts] and hadn’t wanted a respectable, sterling wizard like himself to look on! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Draco! Draco, you don’t wanna be looking on!
Sequoia: [stressing every word] You do not want to be there!
Kim: But you also are correct. You don’t need to be here!
Sequoia: No, you can leave.
Kim: You can leave!
Sequoia: You can leave, go ahead and leave.
Kim: Just leave. Just fucking leave. Maybe poke the dead man just to make absolutely sure he’s dead?
Sequoia: Make sure he’s dead.
Kim: But you can just leave.
Sequoia: You could leave. Draco scowled. He tapped his shoe on the pathway. Blast the girl, he thought. Blast womankind, in general. There was no bench around. [Kim giggles] Fucking sit down.
Kim: Use magic! You can’t, never mind.
Sequoia: For the umpteenth time, he stole a glance at the unconscious figure. Was he… dead?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: The man didn’t look particularly threatening now, stretched out as he was. He seemed to be of medium height and he was dressed in a pair of old faded jeans and a black shirt.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Where the shirt had been ripped, Draco could see some kind of tattoo inked on his back.
Kim: Mm.
Sequoia: The man’s face was pressed against the cobblestones, blood still oozing out slowly. His hair was brown.
Kim: Okayyyy. Are we gonna find out who the fuck this guy is? Is his name Twenty Seven Knives? [Sequoia starts laughing]
Sequoia: Suresuresure. Yeah, sure, his name is Twenty Seven Knives, mhm. After what seemed like an infinity, [Kim chuckles in the background] just when he had decided he wasn’t about to hang around any longer…
Kim: Uh uh?
Sequoia: …he saw Cho Chang running across the grass towards him.
Kim: Uh uh.
Sequoia: She was running hard, one hand clasped over her ribcage. “Draco…” she panted. “Well, about time!” [both laugh]
Kim: Draco, you didn’t have to stay!
Sequoia: Yeah, you didn’t have to stay there!
Kim: The man didn’t even fucking move!
Sequoia: No. Cause he’s dead.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …he burst out, furious and relieved. Cho knelt down beside the man and put a trembling finger to his neck, checking for a pulse.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “You have to… help me carry him.” Draco gaped. “What?”
Kim: He’s not gonna touch that.
Sequoia: Cho draped one of the limp arms over her shoulder and struggled unsuccessfully to lift the body up.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: She grunted beneath the weight. “We have to… take him… there’s no time. They’re coming after us. There, get his other arm!” This was too much.
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: With a snarl, Draco hurled his book full force at her head. [Kim laughs] It struck with a resounding thud and crying out, she sat back on the ground. The man slumped forward, [trying to hold back laughter] his face meeting the cobblestones again with a crack. [both laugh]
Kim: Now he’s dead.
Sequoia: It had been a bad, bad day.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Bad day, bad day, bad day.
Kim: Poor Draco.
Sequoia: “Listen, Chang,” Draco spat. He was almost frothing.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “You knock him out, you carry him. Nice running into you. Have a good day!”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Cho stared up at him, mouth open. She burst into tears. [Kim snorts] “Uhhhh…” thought Draco. [both laugh]
Kim: No, just fucking leave, Draco. This isn’t your problem. Cho’s just going through some shit.
Sequoia: This is not your problem.
Kim: She can deal with it.
Sequoia: Just uh… she can call someone. Or leave that guy?
Kim: Leave that dead body there.
Sequoia: Leave the dead body and run away. A couple of friendly birds chirped on a branch overhead and another squirrel was inching its way up the pathway. Dimly, he could hear some children laughing on the swings in the distance and, even more distant, the sound of cars on a London street. “Why is this happening?” Cho sobbed. “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do… I’m so sorry.” [Kim snorts]
Kim: ‘Kaayy.
Sequoia: “Uhhhh…” said Draco.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: He noticed for the first time how dreadful she looked. A gash had opened up her lip and chin, and her arm and knees were scraped and bleeding, too. The white t-shirt she had on over her shorts was criss-crossed with dirt stains. She looked very thin. And very tired. Her hair, which at school had always fallen down her back sleek and straight now clung in clumps around her face. Ugly, green bruises were spreading over her forehead.
Kim: Cho, you are right, Cho is going through some shit.
Sequoia: She’s going through some stuff, she just killed this guy. For the life of him Draco couldn’t think of anything to say.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: He said, “You look horrible, Chang.” [laughs]
Kim: Couldn’t think of anything so he just… said some shit.
Sequoia: Like, crying, got this dead guy next to her, and he’s like, damn, you look bad. [both chuckle] Amidst her tears, Cho snorted out a laugh. “Thank you?” she gasped.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: The tears fell faster. Draco found himself forced to look away for no particular reason. [Kim laughs] He felt a twinge.
Kim: Oh, Draco. That’s good.
Sequoia: But he was a Malfoy. Malfoys didn’t go about carrying unidentified bodies out of parks and whatnot.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And what was Cho up to? Was it – a sudden, sly shiver of brilliance – something that might be potentially blackmail material?
Kim: Mm? Oh, Draco’s in now!
Sequoia: Mhm. Interesting. Draco pondered. [both chuckle]
Kim: Fucking Draco.
Sequoia: Draco cleared his throat. Looking back at Cho, he sniffed sarcastically. “Well, for a Ravenclaw, I must say you aren’t too smart. If I were you, next time I pick a fight, I’d come prepared with a wheelbarrow.” [Kim snorts] “And just so you know, I have to be somewhere by four o’clock.” Cho started. She flashed him an astonished, grateful smile and nodded quickly. Rolling onto her knees, she winced and took a deep breath. “All right,” she said, in a surprisingly steady voice. She took another breath. “Put his arm around your shoulder. Where we’ll take him… it’s not too far. If he wakes up, just step back.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “I’ll deal with him.”
Kim: What is happeniiiing? [whining] Sequoiaaaaa.
Sequoia: Draco rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Chang.”
Kim: Draco is fine watching her beat the shit out of this guy.
Sequoia: Yeah, whatever.
Kim: He’s like, fine, do that. We’re going somewhere close by? Great, let’s do that.
Sequoia: Great. Beat him up? Great. You wanna go, great.
Kim: Let’s do this thing.
Sequoia: I’m gonna hold this against you later. With a few curses and grunts, the two managed to straighten up, the man braced between them. As they staggered off down the path towards the park gate, the man’s limp shins dragging bumpily over the cobblestones…
Kim: He’s a hundred percent dead.
Sequoia: He’s not, ‘cause she… took his pulse.
Kim: She was wrong.
Sequoia: And then said he might wake up again.
Kim: She was wrong. [Sequoia laughs] She did not know what she was doing.
Sequoia: Maybe… No, well, she took his pulse before his head hit the cobblestones again.
Kim: The second time, yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Draco saw a dog amble up to Dementia and Malevolence back where it lay in the grass. The dog sniffed at the book. It raised a hind leg. “Well, there you go, Mrs. Dinklewurst,” he thought with glee. “Good for you. Why, I’m having a lovely time.”
Kim: Sequoia, don’t…
Sequoia: And that…
Kim: Don’t say…
Sequoia: …is where… it ends. [Kim screams] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Okay, I gotta… I gotta… I gotta know.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Was there supposed to be more?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There was definitely supposed to be more.
Kim: Okay. I feel better knowing there was supposed to be more.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Where the fuck were the knives? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Every time you said where are the knives, I almost died. It’s like, you’re not even gonna get the knives. [chuckles]
Kim: Sequoia!
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim: I was not fucking gonna predict any of that fucking shit!
Sequoia: I know. I’m aware.
Kim: [yelling] Why do you even like… you, like, you put up this ruse, like I’m gonna predict something correctly? [Sequoia keeps laughing] Yes, make predictions. Go ahead.
Sequoia: Shall I just tell you to not make predictions?
Kim: Don’t bother, you’re not gonna get anything. This is some fucking shit.
Sequoia: Loginquitas. [both laugh] Here’s the thing, I swear to god I’m not going out of my way get stuff where you can’t get any points.
Kim: Uh uh.
Sequoia: I’m not.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It’s just turning out this way.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...I’m finding stuff like this! [Kim sighs]. So…
Kim: [quietly] Ohhh man.
Sequoia: What do you think, folks? Is Cho Chang an assassin or a spy or…
Kim: I think she’s just… it seemed to me like she was just like caught up in something bigger than her.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like the Cult of the Twenty Seven Knives. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I want the rest of this story pretty bad.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Pretty bad.
Kim: That happens all the time. The… they really nailed Draco, like…
Sequoia: Draco was so well written. I cannot even explain how much I love a character named Jezebel Dinklewurst.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: With her weird son who wants to vomit every time he sees Draco. [both chuckle] And Cho Chang killing a dude at the park, man?
Kim: Killing a man?
Sequoia: What the hell?
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: It was great.
Kim: Oh yeah, that’s a good one.
Sequoia: They just nailed Draco, that was so good. All right, well, you did not get any points.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: Now it’s time for a…
Both: ...quick ficssss!
Kim: So the story I’ve got for all of us today… [chuckles]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ almighty.
Kim: So in this story we… we find out that because of wizard procreation reasons…
Sequoia: Oh Jesus Christ!
Kim: Like it always is. Every ten years all marriages are dissolved.
Sequoia: Mhm?
Kim: And then redone by lottery.
Sequoia: What the… okay, cool.
Kim: You can get an exception if you truly love the person you’re with and are making good babies.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Arthur and Molly Weasley, for example.
Sequoia: Okay, right, but…
Kim: But otherwise…. lottery!
Sequoia: Okay. So they’re not allowed to just, like, decide it’s not working and get a divorce on their own and then go find new people on their own?
Kim: No, we don’t.
Sequoia: That’s not a thing?
Kim: That’s not it. We find out that Snape is super excited about this.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Because he and Trelawney have been married for the last ten years.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god!
Kim: And neither of them has been happy about it.
Sequoia: Incredible! Yeah, yeah, yeah?
Kim: And so they never… they’ve never, like, done it but they’ve been married the whole time so they could like, I don’t know. Whatever.
Sequoia: [whispering] Jesus Christ.
Kim: So anyway, it’s time for the lottery and the reason I’m not reading this out loud is that Snape gets paired with, of course…
Both: ...Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, but [chuckling] the reason this is… well, beyond the fucking lottery, Harry gets paired with Ginger Spice? [Sequoia makes incredulous noises, both start laughing]
Sequoia: Wait, was her… so Ginger Spice was married for ten years.
Kim: Uhh…
Sequoia: Who was married for ten years and had to be a part of this lottery?
Kim: So not… not… not everyone gets picked every lottery, ‘cause Draco doesn’t get picked and he gets really sad about it.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Wait, so all marriages are done by lottery?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. [after a pause] That’s cool.
Kim: All marriages are done by lottery.
Sequoia: Oooookay. [long pause] Ginger Spice. [starts laughing]
Kim: Ginger Spice is there!
Sequoia: Ginger Spice is there.
Kim: And married to Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Whoooo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: I think Ron doesn’t get married…
Sequoia: Either?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Just inexplicably, there’s no talk of…
Kim: Ron and Draco don’t get anyone. Dumbledore ends up with Trelawney this time.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus Christ almighty.
Kim: Neither of them are happy about it.
Sequoia: Great. [chuckles]
Kim: [quickly] And then it turns out Snape’s really good at sex, the end!
Sequoia: Ohhhhhh… gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross vomit! Okay. [laughs]
Kim: Wizard marriages done by lottery!
Sequoia: Done by lottery!
Kim: Now you know. Every ten years.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Both: ...the rec zone! [both slightly singing out of key and in different tempo] Pew-pew-pew-poooowww…
Sequoia: Here we go. I’ve got…
Kim: What was that noise you just did?
Sequoia: I don’t know, fuck off. [laughs] I’m recommending a fic called Starting to Heal. It is a one-shot that takes place… it’s a conversation between Molly Weasley and Tonks when Tonks is like, really down in the dumps about her life.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And they’re just like having tea and chatting at Grimmauld Place.
Kim: That sounds very nice.
Sequoia: Yep. So the link to that will be in the description. You can also find a whole list of our recommendations on our website.
Sequoia: You can also find our story submission form on that same website.
Kim: We got a toooon of submissions rolling in constantly.
Sequoia: Ooooh buddy.
Kim: Although it is nice, we noticed that y’all have been…
Sequoia: Doing what we asked.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Thank you so much.
Kim: We’re getting them sent to us.
Sequoia: I read a bunch today.
Kim: Did you?
Sequoia: Yeah, I did.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And I am so stoked. [cracking up] They were very good, thank you for the things that you sent me.
Kim: Okay. I looked at… I glanced at some things that have been sent to me and I have… I am full of fear.
Sequoia: Yeah. They send you the scary shit, so… [both laugh]
Kim: Full of fear, but also excited to read some shit.
Sequoia: Yeah, so keep sending us those. If it’s within our time frame, make sure to address it to either myself or Kim and that’ll be more likely to get on the pod.
Kim: True facts.
Sequoia: We have some merch on our website as well.
Kim: Yep, some stickers, some posters…
Sequoia: We got the hold for the text please bookmark that’s up there right now.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And there will be t-shirts, as we discussed earlier in the episode.
Kim: Some daaaay…
Sequoia: [singing] Some day.
Kim: We’ll know relatively soon.
Sequoia: We should know soon. You can follow us on social media, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram @fanaticalfics.
Kim: Tweet at us.
Sequoia: [singing] Tweet at us!
Kim: [hesitantly] Tweet… tweet at us. I was thinking, when you were doing the rec zone earlier, I was remembering that tweet we got. [Sequoia chuckles] From… from Kfir about how he knew exactly what I was about to recommend last time when I was like, I wanted to do a Cedric fic.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: I have some Harry/Cedric for everyone.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: So I’m ssssorry…
Sequoia: You’re not sorry. It’s fine.
Kim: Your thoughts are polluted with my thoughts now.
Sequoia: We got this for you!
Kim: If you wanna tweet at us about that kinda stuff or any kinda stuff, if you’re thinking my thoughts, tweet my thoughts at me.
Sequoia: Tweet at us? If you have any longer thoughts you can email us.
Kim: Any longer versions of my thoughts.
Sequoia: [quietly] Jesus Christ. You can email us @fanaticalfics… @gmail, er… no. Wow, fuck.
Kim: fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Sequoia: [quietly through laughter] I know our email address.
Kim: It’s almost my bedtime.
Sequoia: It’s almost your bedtime. If you want to help out the pod…
Kim: If you like this pod…
Sequoia: If you like this podcast, leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We usually do the shout outs at the beginning of the episode. So we’ll shout you out on an episode. It’ll be great.
Kim: If you like this podcast, if you want more people to like this podcast, trick your friends...
Sequoia: Trick your friends 2019.
Kim: …into liking this podcast.
Sequoia: One of the biggest things that I’ve learned from all of my convention going [Kim snorts] is that we can do a… we can do a million fucking things. We can like, push our money into ads, we can do all sorts of shit.
Kim: We are not gonna do that.
Sequoia: We’re not go… well, we’re not gonna do that, but also it wouldn’t help. Like, you guys telling your friends is basically the best thing.
Kim: Yeah. Word of mouth.
Sequoia: All… yeah, word of mouth is like eighty percent of how podcasts grow. So, really, we depend on you to grow.
Kim: Keep telling people that you like this podcast.
Sequoia: Trick your friends 2019!
Kim: Keep tricking your friends into listening to this podcast.
Sequoia: Our Patreon is on hiatus, but…
Kim: It’s coming back!
Sequoia: It’s coming back, so keep your eye out.
Kim: Fill out the survey.
Sequoia: Fill out the survey, please.
Kim: So we know what you want.
Sequoia: And what your houses and your favorite Draco pairing is. [chuckles]
Kim: So that we can look at that.
Sequoia: Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to our madness today.
Kim: Byeeeeeeee.
Sequoia: [joins in] Byeeeeeeee.
Kim: I’m so mad there were no knives. [Sequoia bursts out laughing] There wasn’t even one kni… there wasn’t even a butterknife with the fucking scones, man.
Sequoia: [still laughing, in a high pitched voice] There weren’t any knives…