Episode 47: Hawaiian Fantasy (Part 1)
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You asked for more multi part eps and HERE WE ARE… definitely on purpose… totally planned it this way.
Recommendation: First Signs of Magic, Hermione Granger
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1209338/1/First-Signs-of-Magic-Hermione-Granger
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Cait
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: [softly] Uh.
Sequoia: Hey, so remember that other day when I... when I tweeted? [laughing] Remember when I tweeted the one time... several times, when I’ve tweeted? The other day? Somebody tweeted us and they were like, hey, I’ve heard you say that you wanted us to tweet at you from Germany, but here I am tweetin’ at you.
Kim: This is your fault, listener.
Sequoia: And I was like, here’s the thing, guys. [loudly] Tweet at us!
Kim: This is your fucking fauuult. No.
Sequoia: [laughing] If you’re from Indonesia, I want you...
Kim: No!
Sequoia: ...to tweet at us! Brazil! Where you at? Tweet at us! Norway? Tweet at us! [laughs]
Kim: I think you’ve already asked Norway to... oh my GOD! [Sequoia laughs] I’m ending it! No! I hate this fucking bit!
Sequoia: Iceland! Tweet at us!
Kim: [screaming] NO! [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: [sings] And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: [very quickly] It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Wow, that was so fast! I wasn’t ready!
Kim: We’ve gotta get through.... we’ve got to push through it because I got some shit for you today! [Sequoia laughs] Let’s get through this beginning shit!
Sequoia: Okay! Speaking of Twitter...
Kim: What? What? [laughs]
Sequoia: As we were, in our cold open today.
Kim: Oh god, fuck you.
Sequoia: So here’s the thing. [laughs] Somebody tweeted us because we... before we saw Endgame we were laughing... we were joking about me being Hawkeye.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And it was so funny.
Kim: So funny.
Sequoia: And then we went and saw Endgame, and then we got dark Hawkeye.
Kim: I mean... okay, he’s just a darker version of his continuously ineffectual self. [Sequoia laughs] Like, what is he doing?
Sequoia: He was like...
Kim: What did he do?
Sequoia: He was like busting up gangs, man! And he was, like, laying down justice.
Kim: Yeah, but... yeah, but come on.
Sequoia: And he had that haircut!
Kim: Come on. Daghh.
Sequoia: it’s mostly about the haircut. The haircut was so good.
Kim: You’re halfway there.
Sequoia: I was, you know...
Kim: You’re halfway to the haircut.
Sequoia: [laughs] You got to get the other side shaved.
Kim: Yeah n… I... I don’t know [both laugh]
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ‘Cause I’m thinkin’ about it. You don’t ever put it up, is the problem.
Sequoia: Yeah, that is the problem. It... the... it looks like it takes a lot of maintenance.
Kim: It would, yeah.
Sequoia: Is the issue, and I’m just not willing to do it. Like, I’m not there for that much hair maintenance.
Kim: Your head’s lookin’ real fuzzy today, though.
Sequoia: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Kim: Did you get it shaved recently?
Sequoia: Yeah, I got it cut yesterday.
Kim: Oh, it looks very good and fuzzy.
Sequoia: Got it shaved yesterday. Thank you.
Kim: So soft.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: Such a soft head.
Sequoia: [loudly] Anyway! [both laugh] I don’t know how we got there! Anyway, we just wanted to say that, you know, Hawkeye was maybe a little bit more effective...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...in this movie.
Kim: No
Sequoia: Is the... what I wanted to say.
Kim: No. We actually… do we wanna talk about what we finally agreed on you being?
Sequoia: Yeah we do.
Kim: ‘Cause I mean, Ryan... Ryan said that you were Hawkeye and that I was Dormammu.
Sequoia: And we laughed. And you’re Dormammu.
Kim: And then we as a friend group sat down…
Sequoia: And we laughed. And then we actually did it.
Kim: …got out a whiteboard and then listed what each of us was. We were like, ‘kay, and then this person, and then this person...
Sequoia: Everybody did separate lists and then we brought them together and compared and contrasted the lists and went like...
Kim: And we argued.
Sequoia: Yeah, and we argued, and then finally there was a final list.
Kim: There was a consensus that Sequoia is Star-Lord.
Sequoia: And I am!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That makes the most sense.
Kim: That… it does work. The parallels are...
Sequoia: And you were...
Kim: I was... I was Rocket Raccoon [Sequoia laughs] because I love to eat garbage!
Sequoia: [laughs] And we’re just lil buddies travelling through space. Whaddup!
Kim: [laughs] Arguing, you know, it... it works... the dynamics… the dynamic works, I think.
Sequoia: I think it does! Anyway, that’s the end of our Marvel segment. [laughs]
Kim: It’s not, though! Stick around after the credits.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god! We’re gonna...
Kim: There’s a post credits scene...
Sequoia: We’re gonna have a post credits scene.
Kim: ...in this episode.
Sequoia: Fucking goddamnit.
Kim: It does have spoilers in it, though.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So if you’re not interested in that, you don’t have to listen to it.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’ll say bye, and then you stop.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. But after the byes we will have a post credits scene.
Kim: We say bye, you yell bye back…
Both: ...and then you stop.
Sequoia: [laughs] Good point, good point, good point. All right. Let’s get to our shout outs! Let’s shout out some reviews!
Kim: All right! Cool!
Sequoia: Shall we? Start us off.
Kim: Oh, me?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Shout out to Percy, who says that our podcast gives them the illusion of having friends but asks someone to send them help?! Sorry, but the podcast is the only help we can provide.
Sequoia: [laughs] Somebody help that listener!
Kim: Not us, though!
Sequoia: Shout out to Amanda, who says that we’ve helped them realise there are some really weirdos out in the world. Thank you Amanda, we are some real weirdos.
Kim: Yup. [both snort and laugh] Shoutout to Hogwarts730 who is back with a second review somehow!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh yeah!
Kim: How do you people keep leaving multiple reviews? Is this cheating?
Sequoia: [laughing] Shout out to Pizza ear, who is living proof that even if you’ve got food products for ears you’ll still love the podcast!
Kim: What? [both laugh] I’m like, why am I letting you write these? [both laugh]
Kim: Shout out to krose55, who quotes our bi-yearly cohost Colin to say that listening to our podcast feels like having friends, which I say isn’t sad, because having listeners makes me feel like I have friends.
Sequoia: Awwww.
Kim: I don’t, though.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, ignore all the friends we just talked about. Shout out to [sigh] [flatly] mrshermionesnape, who left us a lovely review and is, for now, spared from us roasting their pairing choices. [laughs]
Kim: For now.
Sequoia: For now.
Kim: Shoutout to voldermorts baby... [both snort and laugh] shit. Whose review says, this is Drarry, which is correct.
Both: This is Drarry! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shout out to Schmolbs, who says this podcast is horrifically hilarious mostly because of all the weird sex stuff, so apparently they like three of our episodes. [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Oh. Shout out to jnpetrsn. I’m just gonna read the first part of this review. “Excuse me but how dare you, and also thank you. How did you know this is what I needed?” [both laugh] Glad we could liberate you from feeling shame about fanfic.
Sequoia: I love that review so much.
Kim: It’s so good.
Sequoia: Shout out to meggiefrue, who is the sister of Mike Schubert of Potterless...
Kim: Huh!
Sequoia: ...and who I had the pleasure of meeting at LeakyCon last year. She says we are the only podcast she listens to besides her own brother’s, which is such a high compliment and thank you and oh my gosh.
Kim: Whaddup! [Sequoia laughs] Happy to have you. Happy to have you all...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...listeners. Thanks for dropping us those reviews.
Sequoia: Thank youuu! Thank you!
Kim: My gosh. We talked about this a little bit when we were writing this down. I love getting these reviews, especially ones like the last one I did, where they say that we made them make them feel better about loving fanfic.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: That is such a... it makes me feel so happy ‘cause that is exactly what we’re shooting for and...
Sequoia: And it means that we’re getting across what we... what we want... mean to get across, which is very awesome.
Kim: We LOVE fanfiction!
Sequoia: [sings] Fanfiction!
Kim: So much. And it’s... it’s healthy.
Sequoia: You know...
Kim: It is healthy. It is a health and lifestyle choice.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is a health and lifestyle podcast.
Kim: A good health and lifestyle choice to love fanfiction!
Sequoia: You know what we also love?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Fan art.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: We got the sickest fan art in the mail, dude.
Kim: Oh my god. I... this... this blows my mind. It’s up on T… Instagram.
Sequoia: And Twitter.
Kim: And twitter. If you wanna go look at it. But somebody sent us fan art of that stupid thing that I say sometimes.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s about the points moon, my dudes! The like...
Kim: [laughs] Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: What a... what a... what a fuckin’ weird thing that we say on the regular. That is just a kind of like floating weird joke that has no context.
Kim: [laughing] Its not a joke!
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s just like... weird thing.
Kim: It’s a weird thing. I can’t believe we got... I... I thank you so much.
Sequoia: Yes, thank you to Elijah.
Kim: Go look at it.
Sequoia: Go look at it on Twitter or on Instagram. We’re gonna get a… we’re gonna get a PO Box so that you guys can send us something if you want to.
Kim: Yeah, we got two requests in a week from listeners who wanna send us stuff, so we’re going to be setting that up. It’ll go up on our website I think definitely.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’ll...
Kim: We’ll talk about it later.
Sequoia: We’ll let you know. Because that was amazing.
Kim: Because that was a weird thing that happened!
Sequoia: Yeah, and we were like oh, I guess we have to have a place where the the people...
Both: ...can send us stuff?
Sequoia: Cool cool cool.
Kim: So that’s coming.
Sequoia: We also wanted to shout out everybody who’s been tweeting about us lately. We’ve got a lot of that lately and we really appreciate it.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Tell your friends. Trick your friends 2019!
Kim: [shouts] Trick them!
Sequoia: [sings] Trick them with tweets!
Kim: We also got a couple tweets. You asked last time I believe for people to tweet at us if they knew a cat that pooped on people’s heads. We got a couple tweets from people whose cats are pooping in weird ass places! [Sequoia laughs] I’m worried about you! [Sequoia laughs again] I’m sorry that’s happening to you. I wish you all the best with your cat poop problems.
Sequoia: Yeah! Got some pictures of some cute cats, though.
Kim: We did!
Sequoia: Cute cats!
Kim: We did.
Sequoia: Pooping in weird places!
Kim: But they weren’t pooping in the picture.
Sequoia: They were not pooping in the picture. That’s a good distinction to make. Thank you.
Kim: Please don’t send us those.
Sequoia: Thank you. Do not send us those. [both laugh] Cool.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And I think we can... I think we can fanfiction now.
Kim: Oh right!
Sequoia: Oh yeah!
Kim: I did... I was yelling about how we need to get into this shit
Sequoia: You were. Because this is a little long.
Kim: Ah, its not that long. Its pretty typical. I did... so this story was originally about two times as long, so this is another one that I edited. This one not only got edited for length... I guess I should put this disclaimer here. This story was clearly written by someone very young.
Sequoia: Yeah. Which... which, you know.
Kim: I... this fanfiction hit me, and I was like, oh my gosh, this person is twelve and I have these memories and it just brought me right back. I... this fanfiction...
Sequoia: I am so excited. When you told me that I got so stoked, because I remember writing all sorts of fucking nonsense as a twelve year old.
Kim: This… this fanfiction I feel like is something that you would have written when you were twelve.
Sequoia: Sweet!
Kim: That might be mean. That might be mean.
Sequoia: Oh no, I’m so excited!
Kim: We’ll see.
Sequoia I... you... you don’t know. You don’t even know the extent...
Kim: I guess we’ve gotten some...
Sequoia: ...to which...
Kim: We’ve gotten some good... that... some of your summaries that you... that last summary...
Sequoia: Yeah, we gotta, you know... Shamequoia the segment’s coming back. You’ll know. We’ll know. You’ll know when it happens. Whoo.
Kim: Anyways, so this was long, kind of poorly grammatically constructed...
Sequoia: So you edited it.
Kim: I’ve touched it all over. [Sequoia laughs] But keeping the major plot points and as much of the flavor and style as possible.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: As I do. So...
Sequoia: So it’s time for predictioooooons!
Kim: Yes. It is.
Sequoia: Shit. Fuck you. First of all. [both laugh] Second of all, if you wanna share your predictions with us, tweet them at us #FanficDivination and do @ us.
Kim: Send those in, I love seeing them so much. The title of this fanfic is Hawaiian Fantasy.
Sequoia: Ahhhh! [laughs]
Kim: The genre is romance and drama
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh my god!
Kim: And it was written... it was written pre Order of the Phoenix.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Oh man! I think I was probably the same age as this author.
Sequoia: Yes it was!
Kim: When they wrote it. [both groan] Love it! Gimme them fuckin’ predictions!
Sequoia: Oh my god! Okay, so was it 2003?
Kim: 2003. April 2003.
Sequoia: Great, ‘cause we were twelve.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: And this could have been written by either of us.
Sequoia: Fuck yeah! I am so pumped! Hawaiian Fantasy? Sweet! All right. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Romance and drama.
Sequoia: Can my first prediction be that none of this story takes place in Hawaii?
Kim: You can predict that.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. [laughs]
Sequoia: Prediction number one, none of this story takes place in Hawaii.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Prediction number two, this story features a made up spell.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And prediction number three, I’m gonna guess this is Ron/Hermione.
Kim: [laughs] Nice.
Sequoia: Because of what you said earlier.
Kim: Oh, sure.
Sequoia: All right. I’m ready.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Send your predictions fo… #FanficDivination. Do @ us.
Kim: Let’s. DO. This thing.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [both sigh] My heart’s racing.
Kim: Ten years after Cedric Diggory’s death...
Sequoia: [shouting] Holy shit! What?!
Kim: ...Cho Chang...
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: ...was still mourning for him.
Sequoia: [shouting] Cho Chang is here!
Kim: Wooooooo!
Sequoia: You hear that, JD? JD?
Kim: I got this for yooooooou!
Sequoia: JD! [both laugh] Cho Chang is here! Cho Chang y’all. Amazing. Okay, ten years.
Kim: After Cedric...
Sequoia: After Cedric Diggory’s death.
Kim: Cho Chang was still mourning for him.
Sequoia: Okay. Yes. Mid twenties.
Kim: Super healthy.
Sequoia: Very healthy. Wizards need therapy. Yes.
Kim: Good. She felt so sad, since Cedric was the boyfriend who really cared for her. Other guys just wanted her for her popularity and beauty, but Cedric was different, and Cho never loved again.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs] Why did you think that I would write this? No, I would.
Kim: We’ll get there. We’ll get there, man. Whoo.
Kim: It was summer holidays and Cho was in Hawaii alone. Her parents had offered to treat her by paying for a trip to Hawaii to give her some time alone to think. Cho was grateful and accepted.
Sequoia: Wait, it was summer holidays?
Kim: From... yeah, it... she... she went on a summer holiday.
Sequoia: From what?
Kim: She’s gone on a holiday...
Sequoia: She’s gone on a holiday.
Kim: ...in the summer.
Sequoia: In the summer. She’s in Hawaii.
Kim: By herself. Just thinking.
Both: About Cedric [both laugh]
Sequoia: Jesus. ‘Kay.
Kim: She was lying down in a chaise longue by the beach, wearing a new blue bikini that made her stunning blue eyes stand out. [Sequoia laughs] We get so much eye talk in this story.
Sequoia: Yeeees! I love a good outfit description.
Kim: Outfit!
Sequoia: Outfit.
Kim: Yes. Check.
Sequoia: She’s on the beach.
Kim: Beach! Eyes!
Sequoia: Eyes.
Kim: Check. Check. Check.
Kim: She thought and thought about Cedric and his death.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
Kim: Awful.
Sequoia: They’re really, really like drilling it in here.
Kim: Cedric IS dead.
Sequoia: Like, guys, so here’s the thing. Cedric’s dead. [both laugh]
Kim: And Cho...
Sequoia: Cho has... [laughs]
Kim: ...is not okay.
Kim: She was unaware that a black haired, green eyed famous guy…
Sequoia: Fucking what?
Kim: ...or should I say, wizard, [Sequoia laughs] was making his way towards her.
Sequoia: [laughing] What’s Harry doing in Hawaii? He’s sitting on a beach, thinking about Cedric.
Kim: Just thinking about him.
Sequoia: [still laughing] And his death.
Kim: Man, Cedric sure did die ten years ago. [Sequoia laughs] That really sucked.
Sequoia: Ohhh man. I like that he’s a famous guy, I mean, a wizard. [both laugh]
Kim: So cute.
Kim: [low, gravelly voice] “Cho?” sounded the dark but somehow comforting voice of Harry Potter.
Sequoia: Aaaaaah how is your voice dark?
Kim: That was a dark voice, wasn’t it?
Sequoia: Do it again!
Kim: [slightly higher gravelly voice] Cho. [both laugh] No, it was less dark. I was doing like Batman voice that first time. [low, gravelly voice] CHO.
Sequoia: He is the night, so… [both laugh again]
Kim: Ohhh! God. The witch turned to look at him, quite startled. As soon as she recognised who it was she smiled forcibly.
Sequoia: She’s like, I would like to sit on this beach, alone...
Kim: Thinking about...
Sequoia: ...thinking about Cedric...
Kim: ...Cedric.
Sequoia: ...and that he’s dead. Please do not disturb me you famous wizard.
Kim: [laughs] Harry smiled back at her and occupied the chaise longue next to her. “Hello Cho. We meet again,” he said formally yet jokingly.
Sequoia: What the fuck?! [laughs] No say it again, say it again. You’re... are you doing formally slash...
Kim: Oh, sorry.
Sequoia: ...jokingly?
Kim: [cheerful gravelly voice] Hello Cho, we meet again!
Sequoia: [laughs] That was like, maybe two steps away from Xenophilius Lovegood. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck you, man.
Sequoia: I’m never gonna let it go!
Kim: Look, I’ve been thinking about a Cho voice for a second.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And I’m gonna… I’m gonna bust it out in a second here.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And you’re gonna have to tell me if I’m way off base.
Sequoia: You’re gonna… oh, okay.
Kim: But that’s not gonna happen right now.
Sequoia: Okay, okay, okay. I’ll... I’ll prepare myself.
Kim: [sighs] Somehow, Cho found herself laughing.
Sequoia: Somehow? [low, gravelly voice] Cho hadn’t laughed in ten years.
Kim: It rarely happened.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: She surveyed Harry with her ice blue eyes, and found him quite sexy. [Sequoia laughs] He was wearing black swimming trunks only. [laughs]
Sequoia: Wow. [Kim still laughing] Only?! Not even a puka shell necklace to go with?
Kim: Yeah, right? How about a bracelet and some flippy floppies?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Harry! You could step on a rock! [Sequoia laughs] He was slightly different from ten years ago. He was no longer looking at her with pleading eyes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god!
Kim: One of her friends had told her that look was because he had a crush on her.
Sequoia: She didn’t deduce that herself?
Kim: [laughing] No.
Sequoia: She had to be told by a separate person.
Kim: ‘Cause she was like, what is wrong with that face you’re making at me? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Did she think that he just made that face all the time?
Kim: Probably. [both laugh again] Not a well man. Well, he was always making it when he was looking at her, so she wouldn’t be...
Sequoia: So she wouldn’t know...
Kim: Totally, yeah. Wouldn’t know any...
Sequoia: Any other way, yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: [drawling nasal valley girl voice, used for Cho throughout] “Harry, hi.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs uncontrollably]
Kim: “How are you?” Cho said.
Sequoia: [still laughing uncontrollably] What the fuck is that?!
Kim: It’s an a hundred percent vocal fry voice.
Sequoia: [laughing] I like it. Keep doing it.
Kim: Great, that’s what’s coming. There’s very little that I can do with my voice. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man. Yeah. No, that’s good! Mhm.
Kim: ‘Kay. Good. Good. Excellent.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: It’s gonna work really well with this story. No it’s not.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Harry answered her question with another sexy smile. “I’m fine.”
Sequoia: [laughing] I thought he was gonna answer her question with another sexy question [both laugh]
Kim: That was not a se... nothing has been sexy so far!
Sequoia: [still laughing] No, everything in the story has got to be sexy. The whole thing.
Kim: “I’m fine, you?”
Sequoia: I’m… foine, you?
Kim: Oh. He is foine.
Sequoia: He’s foine.
Kim: Today. That’s true.
Sequoia: Just black swimming trunks. Only!
Kim: Only!
Kim: What if they were really like looooooong?
Sequoia: Ah yeah. Yeah, I’m imagining like a 90s... they’ve also got pockets in them.
Kim: I mean its 2003.
Both: So...
Sequoia: Not off base. Not off base.
Kim: He is missing the puka shell necklace, though.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Cho returned his mesmerising smile. “I’m a little better. Better than ten years ago.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! Cho!
Kim: [laughs] His eyes clouded over for a second. “It really hurts for me too. I forced him to take the cup with me.”
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Still traumatised.
Sequoia: Do... he was! He was sitting on the beach thinking about Cedric and his death!
Kim: Yeah! Yeah.
Sequoia: That was real!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh damn! Maybe... I guess maybe Hawaii’s just where you to go be by yourself and think about...
Kim: Cedric.
Sequoia: ...Cedric.
Kim: I mean, I think about Cedric sometimes, by myself.
Sequoia: On the beach in Hawaii?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Oh. [both laugh]
Kim: “It’s not your fault, Harry. You didn’t know.”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Oh, sorry.
Kim: “You [hiccups] didn’t know.” She fored herself choke... to choke through a sob.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: “I guess. Do you want to join me for dinner tonight?”
Sequoia: Wow, Harry.
Kim: He asked, taking her hand.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: “No” was the answer that popped directly into Cho’s mind...
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: ...but she found herself saying “Okay.”
Sequoia: [also with heavy vocal fry] Okaaaaay.
Kim: Sorry about Cedric, let’s go on a date!
Sequoia: Yeah! Oh my god. Yeah, I’m...
Kim: Harry kissed her hand lightly. “Is this the first time you’ve had a date since... since Cedric?” he asked timidly.
Sequoia: Why would you say that?!
Kim: I know, right?
Sequoia: Why would you do that?
Kim: He’s just check… he’s just checking. Just checkin’.
Sequoia: Why would you say that?
Kim: He wants to know if he, like, really needs to bring his A game, or like she hadn’t been on a date in town years and he can just kinda blah through it.
Sequoia: In a long time and he can just meh through it. Yeah.
Kim: Cho only nodded. “Oh, I promise to be nice for you,” Harry said.
Sequoia: Woah! [gagging noises] What does that mean?
Kim: [laughing] I don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: It sounds gross.
Kim: It does sound gross. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Cho nodded again, “It’s all right Harry, I’m not going to run away from dates forever. I’ve gotta go now.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no! I feel like you can’t get much closer to running away from dates than like going to Hawaii...
Kim: Let’s go on a date, okay, bye!
Sequoia: ...and then... yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, just like going...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...to Hawaii by yourself?
Sequoia: Yeah, like going to Hawaii by yourself.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think that’s about as far away from a date as you can get.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Really.
Kim: Uh… dating yourself?
Sequoia: Yeah. On the beach. In Hawaii! [both laugh again]
Kim: Harry nodded. “I heard you’re staying at the Hawaiian Waves.”
Kim: I don’t know where he heard that from.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Where did he hear that?
Sequoia: Why do you know that?
Kim: Why would he go…
Sequoia: Did he follow her to Hawaii?
Kim: [laughing] It’s entirely possible.
Sequoia: [sighs] Oh my god.
Kim: I’ll come...
Sequoia: Everyone needs to get over it!
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Everyone’s a little bit… “I’ll come pick you up.” Cho’s lips broke into a smile. “Sure, my room is 1516. Please come at 7:30pm.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ahhhhhh!
Kim: Very punctual.
Kim: Harry went to the hotel beside the one where Cho was staying. It was the Hawaiian Paradise, one of the most popular hotels in Hawaii, aside from Hawaiian Waves.
Kim: I love...
Sequoia: [laughing] I love that.
Kim: I love that detail. This poor author has...
Both: ...never been to Hawaii. [both laugh]
Kim: And maybe has never been to a beach, and I love them.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think I’d rather stay at Hawaiian Waves.
Kim: Yeah? Then...
Sequoia: ‘Cause you stay at the most popular one.
Kim: You wanna stay at the most popular one.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. Not the second most popular.
Sequoia: The second most popular one, come on.
Kim: Well, he didn’t wanna make it seem...
Sequoia: Harry.
Kim: ...too much like he was stalking her.
Sequoia: [laughing] So he stays in the hotel next to hers?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Instead of the same hotel. You’re doing a great job, Harry.
Kim: Where did he hear where she was staying!?
Kim: Harry, after five years of Quidditch, had struck it rich
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: He was now travelling around the world, and it was such a coincidence that he met Cho here!
Sequoia: No, it wasn’t. One.
Kim: Definitely wasn’t.
Sequoia: Two, he was already rich.
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh] Even mooore rich!
Sequoia: He, like, did not need to strike it rich.
Kim: His best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were also famous, and the three of them...
Sequoia: [laughing] I thought… I thought it was gonna say, were also there!
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I was like, why are they there? [laughs]
Kim: That would have made it… that would have made it extra weird.
Kim: ...were also famous, and the three of them had paparazzi always following them.
Sequoia: Oh! Yes they did! I would have written this part! [both laugh]
Kim: Ron was now a professional chess player...
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: ...and Hermione was the editor for Witch Weekly.
Sequoia: [shouting through clenched teeth] YES!!! GLITTER!!!!!!
Kim: I’m sorry, that must be a typo. Hermione’s the editor for...
Both: [shouting] Yes Glitter!
Sequoia: First of all, I like that Ron is a chess guy and is famous. [Kim snorts]
Both: For bein’ real good at chess.
Kim: Yup, he is.
Sequoia: Rich and fam... paparazzi following him all over the place.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Famous chess star.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Ron Weasley.
Kim: Famous magazine editor.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Paparazzi...
Sequoia: Paparazzi! Really need to...
Kim: ...on her case.
Sequoia: Well, you know who...
Kim: Wizards... wizards don’t really have celebrities. [Sequoia laughs] I think is what I would guess.
Sequoia: Can’t all follow the Minister of Magic around.
Kim: Ron was currently dating Lavender Brown...
Sequoia: Of course.
Kim: ...and Hermione was dating Dean Thomas.
Sequoia: Whaaat?
Kim: I’m sorry, that’s a typo too. Hermione is dating Dragon.
Sequoia: Draco….Dragon! Dragon. [both laugh] Dean Thomas? That’s not one I see a lot.
Kim: Right? I was very surprised.
Sequoia: Huh. I see it, I see it, I see it.
Kim: I mean, it’s a Harry/Cho fic? The pairings are all going to be bizarre.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, they still could have paired Ron with Hermione. That’s...
Kim: They didn’t though!
Sequoia: … stupid that they didn’t do that. I don’t know how I feel about that [fake chuckles] [both laugh]
Kim: Cho worked for Hermione for everyday fashion, but Harry hadn’t seen her in years.
Sequoia: Ah, she’s a work from home, thinking about Cedric type. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh, poor Cho!
Kim: Seriously.
Sequoia: Somebody help this girl!
Kim: Oh she’s about to get so much…help.
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: A passage of time.
Sequoia: Is it gonna be nice? [laughs]
Kim: It’s very nice for her. [Sequoia laughs again] Cho took a bath in her huge bathtub. Taking her wand, she murmured a spell, and instantly her tub was filled with rose petals.
Sequoia: [snorts] Nice.
Kim: She also murmured a spell to make her and her hair smell like roses, too.
Sequoia: Wasn’t enough to put rose petals in the bath. That’s not...
Kim: Nah, she gotta really smell like roses.
Sequoia: That’s… yeah, its more of an aesthetic thing.
Kim: She’s going on a date! The first date in ten years! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god. This can only go well, I think.
Kim: Yes.
Kim: At promptly seven thirty, her doorbell rang.
Sequoia: Still in the tub?
Kim: No.
Kim: Harry was dressed in a black suit. Cho smi...
Sequoia: Only. [both laugh] You have to put only at the end!
Kim: [laughing] Only! [both laugh] He has his swim trunks on underneath. Didn’t take them off.
Kim: Cho smiled to herself as she surveyed him again with her aqua eyes.
Sequoia: Ooh they’re aqua now!
Kim: They have been three colors. [both laugh] So f… three different colors. I’d like to point out.
Sequoia: She’s surveying Harry in his black swimming trunks and like a… like a blazer.
Kim: Yeah? That...
Sequoia: Only!
Kim: ....sounds like what you would go on a date in Hawaii to someone that has never been there! I would like... I don’t think we have any listeners in Hawaii, but if we do, I’m sorry.
Sequoia: Ah yeah. [laughs] Tweet at us!
Kim: No! Jesus Christ. [laughs] Where was I? Oh, she’s surveying him with her aqua eyes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He thought she looked nice, in a long periwinkle strapless chiffon dress.
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: It’s good.
Sequoia: Doing it up!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Wait, do you think when she got packed to go to Hawaii she was [sighs] like... take this date dress...
Kim: Just in casssssse.
Sequoia: ...just in case.
Kim: I’m dating myself.
Sequoia: [British accent] I want to take myself out to a nice dinner.
Kim: [laughs] Yes.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: That’s what I always do when I’m packing. Nope, I don’t. I say, which of these will wrinkle the less when I wad it into the bottom of my suitcase?
Sequoia: [laughing] Does chiffon wrinkle?
Kim: I don’t know! [both laugh]
Sequoia: What is chiffon?
Kim: I don’t know
Sequoia: Is that a name?
Kim: [shouting] No! Maybe?
Kim: Harry took Cho’s arm and led her to the entrance of the hotel, where a black stretch limousine was waiting.
Sequoia: Oh. My. God!
Kim: “Hmmm, totally classy. I’m... [interrupted by Sequoia laughing] I’m impressed.”
Sequoia: Did she say that out loud? or in her head?
Kim: Cho thought...
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: ...with a smile. “I hope this will impress her,” Harry thought.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: I love this.
Sequoia: So good.
Kim: I love it. I looove...
Sequoia: I also thought that all dates included a limo when I was twelve. [laughs]
Kim: I love how this author... this author is gonna do this a couple more times, where they’re both thinking basically the same thing. I...
Both: ...love it.
Kim: ...Harry thought as the chauffeur opened the door for the couple. “This is the first time I’ve ridden in a stretch limo,” Cho said to herself, unaware that Harry was listening. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Couldn’t keep that one inside.
Kim: Couldn’t keep it inside.
Sequoia: Too impressed.
Kim: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Harry was surprised. “Really? I thought you rode in these all the time!”
Sequoia: Why?!
Kim: ‘Cause she’s a...
Sequoia: Why would anyone ride in them all the time?
Kim: ‘Cause she’s a part time editor for everyday fashion!
Sequoia: Yes! Glitter!
Kim: The fashion section.
Kim: “By the way, we’re going to Plush Red tonight. Hope that’s okay with you?”
Sequoia: I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Kim: [laughs] No.
Sequoia: Plush Red?
Kim: Plush Red.
Sequoia: Wow, that’s...
Kim: Cho turned to her date, raising a plucked eyebrow. [laughs] Plucked eyebrow.
Sequoia: You gotta know how she lookin’.
Kim: 2003! She has like... like... like a...
Sequoia: Like a… like a one hair...
Kim: One hair wide eyebrow.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Right? That’s how we looked then, right?
Sequoia: Yeah, as thin as possible while still being able to, like, glean that there’s an eyebrow there. [laughs]
Kim: Cho turned to her date, raising a plucked eyebrow. “THE Plush Red? That’s the most expensive restaraunt in Hawaii.” [Sequoia laughs] “And the most romantic,” she added to herself.
Sequoia: [laughing] Out loud or in her head?
Kim: She... the... the most romantic was in her head.
Sequoia: Oh, good. Good. Oh man, I like how this is common knowledge. Also...
Kim: She did... she did some research before she came to Hawaii. She got one of those travel books.
Sequoia: Hmm. Do you think that the author thinks Hawaii is just one big island?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: A hundred percent.
Sequoia: Amazing. [both laugh] Plush Red!
Kim: Harry blushed. It was true. It was true that Plush Red was the most expensive restaurant in Hawaii, but he had not intended to impress Cho. He just wanted to make her happy after nearly ten years of mourning.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: He’s just a good guy!
Sequoia: Hey, did you know that Cedric’s dead? [both laugh]
Kim: You know, I’ve found that when you’re on dates it’s really a good idea to bring up their dead ex boyfriend as much as possible, and if you have a dead ex boyfriend just mention him all the time.
Sequoia: I think this is good. This person wrote this before Order of the Phoenix.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They didn’t even know of the disaster date to come.
Kim: They did.
Sequoia: So really this is... they knew where the… the characters were going.
Kim: Well, but... well, but this person seems to have written this with the assumption that Harry and Cho were never gonna talk again.
Sequoia: Oh right, yeah.
Kim: After book four.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: [laughing] Most expensive. Oh my god.
Sequoia: Did you know he struck it rich?
Kim: He struck it rich.
Sequoia: He str… he struck it rich!
Kim: Playing the Quidditch.
Sequoia: Fully able to take you to Plush Red.
Kim: Oh my god. I love fuckin’ jooobs! When people pick jobs for the characters, it’s one of my favorite things. Ron’s a professional chess player today. Gah!
Sequoia: It’s the only thing he’s ever been good at.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] Rude.
Kim: [laughs] That was being... sorry. Sorry Ron!
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Harry rolled up the window between them and the driver to give them some privacy.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus Christ almighty.
Kim: “Cho? I want to ask you something,” he said, smiling apologetically. “But if it’s too personal for you, please, don’t bother to answer.”
Sequoia: Do you ever think about...
Kim: Cedric.
Sequoia: ...how Cedric’s dead? [laughs]
Kim: Although I do feel like... you know in The Winter Solider, when... well, I’ll just r… no. When Nat’s like... when Nat’s like, I feel like you not answering answers the question, though?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Shoot.” “Why did you agree to be with me tonight?”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: [almost whispers] Jesus, Harry.
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Jesus.
Sequoia: It’s the beginning of the date!
Kim: Yeah, but...
Sequoia: You just got in the car!
Kim: Yeah but what... did you know that her ex boyfriend’s dead? [both laugh] Gotta… gotta know why she would wanna be with him if that happened.
Sequoia: Goddamnit! No!
Kim: “It’s prime time i get over Cedric, Harry. And besides, I like you a lot.”
Sequoia: That were... those were none of the thoughts she had. All the thoughts she had was no.
Kim: Yes! Up to this point she was like, no. Don’t want to. Why am I laughing?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: She was just so... her mind was so clouded with thoughts of Cedric earlier. She had time… she...
Sequoia: And then she saw the stretch limousine.
Kim: Yeah. And they’re going to Plush Red.
Sequoia: A) They’re going to Plush Red...
Kim: Soooo...
Sequoia: ....and she’s like, damn, he struck it rich! We gonna make out!
Kim: “I like you a lot.” She looked down, trying hard not blush, but failed.
Sequoia: Oh yep, of course.
Kim: Harry blushed red too. “You... like me?”
Sequoia: [laughs] So cute! Ahh, that’s adorable.
Kim: Cho laughed, a sound he always wanted to hear.”Yes.” [both laugh softly] This revelation gave Harry some encouragement. “Cho, may I kiss you?”
Sequoia: [shouts] Dude! You just got in the car!
Kim: But her d… her ex boyfriend’s dead! And she likes him!
Sequoia: [laughs] Pump the brakes Harry!
Kim: “May I kiss you?” he asked. Cho looked up and smiled at Harry. She leaned towards him. Oh my god, I don’t know that I can read this section.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is… oooookay.
Kim: Whooooo! I can get through this. I can get through this. [gasps] This is my favorite. This is my thing, this section. I need to... I need to preface this, when this shows up in fanfictions. [exhales] [Sequoia laughs] His lips met hers for the first time, and Harry treasured Cho’s taste. [Sequoia snorts loudly] Tentat… tenta… you gotta let me get through this! [Sequoia makes squeaking noises] Tentatively, he touched his tongue on her lips. Her lips parted, allowing him entrance. [Sequoia hyperventilates with laughter] Which is my favorite sentence in all fanfiction! Harry entwined his hot tongue onto Cho’s. [Sequoia starts coughing from all the laughing] Cho tied her hands around his neck and they continued to kiss deeply.
Sequoia: [crying with laughter] Oh my god! [gags] [screams] [laughs]
Both: [shouting] Oh my god!
Kim: My favorite thing! This is it. Descriptions of kissing, written by people who have never held hands with a member of their preferred sex.
Sequoia: [still laughing helplessly] Oh my god.
Kim: It’s my favorite fucking thing.
Sequoia: That was incredible. [sighs] Also, like, we just got in the car! [both laugh]
Kim: I’ve been tr… I’ve been testing out this kissing method on my husband recently. [Sequioa laughs] We are... he is divorcing me.
Sequoia: [laughs even harder] Good! Great!
Kim: You lean in. Closed mouthed. Mouth closed. And then once your lips are... your closed lips are touching...
Sequoia: They’re just like touching.
Kim: ...you stick your tongue out...
Sequoia: [whispering] Fuck. [laughs]
Kim: ...and just kind of lick the outside of their lips until they open their mouth, [Sequoia still laughing helplessly] and then you jam your whole tongue in their mouth.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: And that is how kissing works.
Sequoia: Your hot tongue.
Kim: Your hot tongue! Yeah. the tongues are hot. And that is what kissing is! Where did this idea come from?! It is pervasive.
Sequoia: I dunno! That’s a great question!
Kim: It’s everywhere.
Sequoia: I bet I could find a very similar passage...
Kim: In one of yours?
Sequoia: ...in one of mine from...
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: From the same era.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And I don’t know. I don’t know why!
Kim: Why did everyone think that was how kissing worked when we were twelve?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Do twelve year olds still think that?
Sequoia: [pause] I dunno?
Kim: Not like we know any twelve year olds to ask.
Sequoia: I don’t know any twelve year olds. [both sigh together]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: All right.
Kim: Out of breath, they pulled out rather hastily. [both laugh] Man. Cho looked down, and Harry smiled to himself. That was a good make out. Go team. [chuckles lightly]
Sequoia: I thought.... for one millisecond, I thought he’d said that. [Kim laughs] And then he goes in for the high five.
Kim: That was... that was some editorialising. My bad. The car stopped in front of Plush Red then. The chauffeur opened the door, and Harry helped Cho out of the car. Someone showed them to an almost hidden table that he specifically reserved just for them, and he looked at Cho’s aqua eyes.
Sequoia: That’s the make out table.
Kim: Yeah, buddy.
Sequoia: [strainedly] At my restaurant, every table’s the make out table.
Kim: You’ve told us. [both laugh] He couldn’t believe that he was turned on so much [Sequoia laughs] just by looking at those sparkling eyes. [Sequoia laughs again] “Should I ask her if she wants to screw?” Harry thought.
Sequoia: Wow! Dude! You just got to the restaurant!
Kim: Should I ask her if she wants to…
Both: Screw?! [both laugh] [Kim screams, Sequoia joins in, then they both laugh]
Sequoia: [emphatically] So good.
Kim: Word choice, my dude! Harry! Harry, keep it together!
Sequoia: He hasn’t been on a date in ten years, either!
Kim: He hasn’t. Well, he hadn’t been on a date ten years ago.
Sequoia: He’s never been on a date. [laughs]
Kim: Harry has never been on a date. All right, that’s… that checks out.
Sequoia: There we go.
Kim: Checks out. Checks… checks… checks out.
Sequoia: [singing] Checks out, checks out!
Kim: Cho noticed Harry staring at her eyes intensely.
Sequoia: This is... [sighs] I can’t.
Kim: Her glittering turquoise eyes met...
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: ...his m…
Sequoia: That’s color number four!
Kim: That is color number four. ...met his mesmerising green ones. So good. “I’m falling in love with Harry, am I ready for it now?”
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Oh my god!
Kim: She asked herself.
Sequoia: We haven’t had dinner!
Kim: Yeah but they…they…Cedric’s dead.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry’s never been on a date, she hasn’t been on a date in ten years.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: She’s in love.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: We have not gotten appetisers yet. [Sequoia laughs then groans] The food that he had ordered before he left his suite arrived.
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Goddamn, Harry! You know what I love on a date?
Sequoia: When a dude orders fucking food for you?
Kim: Eat my shit! Huff my nuts! [Sequoia laughs] Nah, I’m just kidding. I’ve never been on a date.
Sequoia: Yeah you… [groans]
Kim: I’m just kidding. Never been on a date.
Sequoia: I hate... [both laugh]
Kim: I hate the idea of it, how’s that?
Sequoia: I… I mean I’ve been waiting tables for eight hundred years or whatever.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I hate it when I’m waiting a table and the dude orders food for the both of them.
Kim: [whispering] Jeez.
Sequoia: I hate taking that order. It causes me physical pain.
Kim: Do you just vomit onto the table? [makes a gagging noise]
Sequoia: Usually I’ll look at her, and like ask her direct questions while looking into her eyes.
Kim: Just make the experience as uncomfortable as possible for everyone involved?
Sequoia: Yup!
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I get great tips. I get…I live. [both laugh]
Kim: [mumbling] Is that... oh my god. Just everything about this story is so good. Wait for the food. Here we go.
Sequoia: Ooh food description.
Kim: There were two plates of risotto...
Sequioa: Mmm!
Kim: ...and Cho’s favorite French meal, bouillabaisse. Like from book four! [both laugh] She ate that once in book four, it’s her favorite food.
Sequoia: Incredible!
Kim: And some escargot.
Sequoia: Ho ho ho!
Kim: “What are these?” Cho asked curiously, pointing at the risotto and the escargot.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: She’s never left her house in ten years.
Kim: Harry smiled to himself. He described what they were. [Sequoia laughs] Cho learned quickly and excitedly tasted the delicious French food.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: I don’t think Risotto is French? A)
Sequoia: No.
Kim: B) What is happening?
Sequoia: I like that we just get, Harry explained them. What if I do… what if I as the reader don’t know what risotto is?
Kim: Yeah, wait!
Sequoia: What about me?
Kim: What’s escargot? [both laugh a lot]
Sequoia: Ahhhhh this is great.
Kim: Oh my god. Cho has not left her house in ten years. How is she the fashion editor at a magazine?
Sequoia: She does like the retro column.
Kim: She’s just editing. She’s like a copy editor, how’s that? After their delicious dinner, Cho sipped her coke, a Muggle soda.
Sequoia: A Muggle soda! [both laugh]
Kim: Thank you author. Thanks for letting us know.
Sequoia: A Muggle soda. Whoo, yep.
Kim: “Did you enjoy the food?” Harry had to ask. “Yes! Thank you for the evening Harry. Do you want to go back to the hotel now?” she asked.
Sequoia: Nudge nudge wink wink.
Kim: “Actually, I was wondering if you’d like a walk on the beach,” Harry admitted. He stood up and offered her his hand. Cho took it. “That’s perfect!” [Sequoia laughs] She smiled brightly at Harry. Together they went back to the limousine and were driven back to the beach near their hotels. And we’re gonna cut it right here...
Sequoia: Whoo.
Kim: ‘Cause we are at about... what do you think? Like forty five minutes of recording time?
Sequoia: Forty five minutes, yeah.
Kim: Which is about where we normally wanna go. We are fucking halfway through this story.
Sequoia: Halfway.
Kim: Because it’s too beautiful and perfect for one episode! I thought we could do it in one. I was fucking wrong.
Sequoia: Here we are! You... welcome to the two part episode...
Kim: A surprise two parter.
Sequoia: ...Hawaiian Fantasy. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: We’ll see you next week on Hawaiian Fantasy.
Kim: Not next week.
Sequoia: Next episode on... yeah, two weeks from now, we’ll get the...
Kim: We’ll wrap this... we’ll wrap this... we’ll get the rest of what’s gonna happen next.
Both: What’s gonna happen next?
Sequoia: Will they screw? [both laugh]
Kim: Will they touch their tongue to the outside of closed lips some more? [Sequoia laughing] Will there be more hot tongue on tongue action?
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Will Cho bring up Cedric more times?
Sequoia: [laughing] Is Cedric dead? [laughs]
Kim: Find out next time! Jesus.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Incredible. All right, cool, we’re doing a two parter.
Kim: All right, how do you feel?
Sequoia: Wow. I feel like I’ve been transported back in time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know. To...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...like...
Kim: 2003!
Sequoia: To 2003! And I... this is amazing. This is incredible. This is... features so many...
Kim: It’s hit… it hit every... it checked every... all of my boxes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We have weird eye descriptions, clothing descriptions...
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...the kissing scene.
Sequoia: The kissing scene is just perfect. Just perfect.
Kim: Weird job assignments. [Sequoia laughs] Love it so much! Ok so let’s...
Sequoia: Let’s...
Kim: Your predictions.
Sequoia: My predictions. Right. So I’m going to do a second set of predictions for the second half of the thing.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: We did that last time.
Kim: We did do that last time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’ll do that again, I guess.
Sequoia: I’ll do two instead of three, or one, or something.
Kim: But would you say... so she used a spell in this to fill her bath tub with rose petals, was that a made up spell?
Sequoia: No, because there was no… there was no incantation.
Kim: Right, right. No incantation, so that’s... yeah, that’s actually... well, I won’t... yeah.
Sequoia: And it’s in Hawaii. There we go. And its not Ron/Hermione, very clearly, so...
Kim: It’s not a Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: They’re not even together in the background.
Sequoia: No points… yeah, fucking rude. No points for me.
Kim: Cool, cool, cool.
Sequoia: Now it’s time for...
Both: Quick ficsssssssss!
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh] My quick fic today is called A Clash of Darkness.
Kim: It’s called what?
Sequoia: A Clash Of Darkness!
Kim: Nice! That is nice.
Sequoia: This is a story where Harry and Draco are best friends in Slytherin.
Kim: No. An AU, this is an AU.
Sequoia: This is a AU. Harry and Draco are best friends in Slytherin and they get sent back in time...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...to the Marauder era.
Kim: Noyessssss!
Sequoia: And it is not even close to finished. [Kim groans] Which is the worst.
Kim: That’s a great premise.
Sequoia: The worst. But like Harry’s dad is there.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And Lily is there.
Kim: Nice. Is…?
Sequoia:: And Harry hates Dumbledore and is like, when is this guy gonna die? [both laugh]
Kim: Well, you’re back in time, so you know!
Sequoia: It’s not now.
Kim: Not soon. Why is Harry in Slytherin?
Sequoia: We don’t know. [Kim laughs] Yeah, and...
Kim: Is Harry... are Harry and Draco still in Slytherin when they go back in time?
Sequoia: So they go back in time and appear in the middle of the sorting ceremony [Kim snorts] and like scare a Hufflepuff.
Kim: How old are they? Does it say? Clearly not of sorting age, and then they get sorted?
Sequoia: Yhey do get sorted into Slytherin. [Kim laughs] Again.
Kim: Appear in the middle of the sorting ceremony and Dumbledore is like, yeah, fine, let’s sort these guys.
Sequoia: [laughs] And then he’s like, I think... think we should have a chat, and Harry is like, ugh, when will this guy just die? [both laugh]
Kim: So weird.
Sequoia: Anyway I’m… I was really invested in the premise of this story.
Kim: And then it was one chapter long?
Sequoia: And then was very sad and then it was one chapter long. Yeah.
Kim: Oh, I hate that. I’ve found some of those recently.
Sequoia: It was so sad. Also they go back in time and they have to pretend that they’re not who they are, ‘cause...
Kim: No!
Sequoia: ...they’re at the same time as their parents.
Kim: My name is Cyril Gray.
Sequoia: Cyril Gray! [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Exactly. So their names are Draco Mallard...
Kim: NO!
Sequoia: ...and Harry Porter.
Kim: [splutters] Why is Draco...?!
Sequoia: Draco Mallard for life.
Kim: Fuck that weird shit!
Sequoia: Anyway, that’s my...
Both: Quick ficssssss!
Kim: If you have any ideas of where that’ll go next, tweet it at us.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right.
Both: Now it’s time for [chaotic singing] the rec zone!
Sequoia: We both started talking at the same time and then I didn’t know what to do!
Kim: We have a thing for...
Sequoia: And that’s what I did.
Kim: We have a thing for the rec zone!
Sequoia: Right, but we started talking... we did star... we did the intro into the rec zone bit at the same time.
Kim: No! No! [Sequoia laughs] We do it in the radio... fuck you, man!
Sequoia: [laughing] Let’s do it again.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay, what’s your rec?
Kim: The story I have for you today in this section of the podcast where we recommend stories we’ve enjoyed... it’s called First Signs Of Magic: Hermione Granger, and it... the premise is THAT.
Sequoia: That… okay!
Kim: This is an older story about when Hermione first displayed magic and how her parents dealt with that.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: And kind of the fallout of that.
Sequoia: Oh, I like that. I like that a lot.
Kim: So I thought it was a interesting premise. I love things like this.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Missing scenes, things like that. It’s pretty cool, fairly well done, and that link will be in the episode description.
Sequoia: It will also be on our...
Kim: Website.
Sequoia: ...website. On our whole list of recommendations you can find on our website. You can also find our story submission form.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Send us everything.
Kim: [snorts] Sure. That’s fine, I guess.
Sequoia: Send us...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I dunno, do you have a specific request? Is there something you want?
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No? ‘Kay, send us everything.
Kim: Send me that weird shit. That’s my re... that’s always... that’s my standing request. Send me that...
Both: ...weird shit.
Kim: But also send Sequoia that weird shit.
Sequoia: I know, send me stuff too.
Kim: So that is actually something we’ve been meaning to touch on recently. We get... so we... on our story submission form there’s an option of which host or both of us of who to send them to. We get a lot that are actually just sent to both of us. If you think it’d be good for the podcast, if it’s in our time period before the seventh book came out, about the right length and sufficient weirdness, send it to one of us and it’ll be more likely that we can use it for the podcast.
Sequoia: On the podcast, yeah. ‘Cause if you send it to both of us, we’ll both read it.
Kim: We might accidentally both read it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Before one of us is like, no, wait, don’t read that!
Sequoia: Exactly. So send it to one or the other and it will...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's more likely that we will read it on the podcast.
Kim: Yeah, so do that. But if you... if you do find something that just kind of generically you want us to read, do send it to both of us.
Sequoia: Yeah. [shouting] Send me some next gen! We have also on our website some merch. We’ve got Draco’s Father Will Have You Killed posters that I love.
Kim: Yes. Such a great poster.
Sequoia: We’ve got stickers. We will also be having a Hold For The Text please bookmark.
Kim: Yeah! That’s almost ready to go out.
Sequoia: The… yeah. It should be ready to go out just right after this episode airs.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So keep an eye on our Twitter and our Instagram. And we’ll let you know when that’s ready to roll. Or just look at our merch on our website, there’s lots. It’s really fun.
Kim: Just constantly refresh the merch page. Do that.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm. Every five seconds...
Kim: That’ll be good. [laughs]
Sequoia: ...until it shows up. If you want to get a hold of us, we are on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @FanaticalFics.
Kim: We also have an email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com, if you want to send us some longer thoughts.
Sequoia: Yeah we’re... we’ll let you know as soon as we’ve got that PO Box information if you want to send us any physical items.
Kim: Yeah, send us...
Sequoia: Stuff.
Kim: ...something, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’ll have it!
Kim: Here it comes!
Sequoia: If you want to help out our little podcast...
Kim: If you like our podcast.
Sequoia: If you like us.
Kim: If you think this is a good thing that we’re doing. [both laugh]
Sequoia: If you’d like to encourage our madness, leave us a review on iTunes or Facebook. We will shout you ouuut!
Kim: At the top of the episode.
Both: Trick your friends 2019! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That is another way you can help the podcast, just tell... trick your friends into listening to the podcast.
Sequoia: Yeah, tell your… tell your friends all about it.
Both: Or don’t tell your friends all about it.
Kim: This is a grift. You’re tricking them. You’re running a con.
Sequoia: Right. It could be fun.
Kim: You, the listener, do that.
Sequoia: Teah. That’s a fun time.
Kim: Or, you know, mention us on Twitter when people are like, I like fan fiction.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: That happened. Love it.
Sequoia: We also have a Patreon.
Kim: If you would like to support us.
Sequoia: Yeah, if you would like to support us. We’ve got some bonus audio content, bonus written content, we... the Hold For The Text Please bookmarks will be the physical item for our seven dollar patrons this month.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And we recently put up an episode there where we talked about the three oldest Weasley siblings. We’re just doing some...
Kim: We’re talking about…
Sequoia: ...fun Harry Potter stuff there.
Kim: Yeah, we’re talking about canon stuff, our feelings about the characters, kinda breaking down what we think about Bill being the hottest Weasley. Don’t @ us.
Sequoia: Exactly. Do not @ us, he just is. [both laugh] Speaking of Patreon, we do have for after six months of being a patron on our Patreon, we do a little custom shout out, so here we go.
Kim: Got a couple of those today.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Here we go, [sibilant drawling high voice] James, can you go lounge sexily on someone else’s books? I’m going to go get the librarian Susan to throw you out.
Sequoia: [laughs] Amazing.
Kim: I feel like I’ve brought it back down a little bit.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think you reeled it in, and I appreciated it. And I’m sure my Grandma will as well. [both laugh]
Kim: Hi Grandma.
Sequoia: All right. When the Gryffindor Quidditch team can no longer play Quidditch due to the insane size of their Quidditch toned muscles, they turn to Hogwarts’ most nefarious prankster Brian to pull off the biggest prank the wizarding world has ever seen. Will Brian be able to postpone all Quidditch matches until the team is able to slim down? Or will the Slytherin team thwart the prankster’s plans and walk away with the Quidditch trophy? A/N: You can’t cancel Quidditch, or can you? Lol!
Kim: [laughs] Damn. That was...
Sequoia: Brian was the one who sent us Quidditch Toned Muscles, which is like an MVP of... [laughs] of story form submissions.
Kim: It really... yes.
Sequoia: So we did a little tribute to Quidditch Toned Muscles for Brian.
Kim: Thanks, Brian.
Sequoia: Thanks, Brian! And of course, for our theme song, thank you to the Whomping Willows. It’s their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Kim: All right, that’s gonna wrap us up for today. Come back next time for more...
Sequoia: Remember next time for more fucking Hawaiian Fantasy and stay tuned after the credits for our after credits scene.
Kim: They’ll be the credits. Not after the credits.
Sequoia: These are the credits.
Kim: right now.
Both: [shouting] Bye! [both laugh]
[pause]
Kim: Okay. So.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ [laughs]
Kim: Sequoia. Look at me. I need you to look at me.
Sequioa: Oh god. Okay.
Kim: And I need you to let me get through this.
Sequoia: Okay. Fine.
Kim: At the end of Endgame, Cap has jumped back from a different timeline. I don’t want any questions about that. Do not @ me.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Nope. [laughs]
Kim: Do not @ me about any of this! [Sequoia laughs] Cap has jumped back from another timeline where he went and lived his whole life with Peggy, in a separate timeline.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: In this separate timeline, there was an original Cap who’s frozen in the ice. [Sequoia laughs] My argument is that the Captain America that we know and love could not live knowing that he himself was frozen in the ice not getting a happy ending. So, Cap and Peggy would have to have gone and gotten him, unthawed him, and then Steve couldn’t let the other Steve... Steve Prime, couldn’t let Different Steve not have a happy ending of his own. So the two Caps and Peggy would obviously form a throuple. Obviously.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Obviously!
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: And then this beautiful throuple [both laugh] of Cap Prime, Other Cap and Peggy. Cap… Cap wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t go rescue Bucky as well, [Sequoia laughs} so they go to Siberia, rescue Bucky, now we’ve got a quadupple on our hands. [Sequoia laughs more] And because now we live in a world where we can jump into different realities and pull as many people as you want from those other realities, they would just keep universe hopping, pulling Buckeys, just saving those Buckeys until we have enough Buckeys to run a train on Cap. [Sequoia shouts with laughter] Just run a train. [emphatically] And I know that that Bucky has gotten a version of the super soldier serum himself...
Sequoia: [laughing helplessly] Oh my god!
Kim: ...so he’s obviously powered up enough so that he can really go to town on Cap. And we’ve got a ton of Buckeys in this train, but here’s the thing [Sequoia still crying laughing] about Cap, Sequoia. He can do this...
Both: ...all day! [Sequoia laughs]