Episode 42: Pocket Change
If you don’t know what the Masked Singer is or you didn’t watch the Pokemon anime… well maybe 25% of these jokes will be lost on you? We hope you enjoy this extra long episode!
Recommendation: Unnerved
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2372360/1/Unnerved
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jeanne
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: I… [laughs] So we watched... we watched the first season of The Masked Singer. Pretty… pretty religiously, I would say.
Kim: Together.
Sequoia: Together. But only together. It needed to be… it was a specific type of experience with us and our friends together in a space, sort of taking in The Masked Singer.
Kim: Here’s the thing, listeners. This is a Masked Singer [Sequoia laughs] podcast now. Unfortunately for all of us, the first season just ended.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Both: So…
Kim: What we’re going to be doing today, for our first episode of the new Masked Singer podcast…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...is telling you all who’s going to be in the next season. These are our predictions.
Sequoia: Yeah. Predictions for season two.
Kim: These are… no. These aren’t our predictions. We’re calling it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is who is going to be…
Kim: The people...
Sequoia: ...on season two.
Kim: ...under the masks.
Sequoia: Under the masks.
Kim: Making the songs.
Sequoia: Singing the songs. Masked Singer. ‘Kay. Here we go.
Kim: Number one.
Sequoia: Corbin Bleu. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] Stupid. This is stu… this is...
Sequoia: [laughing] Is this… is this a good bit?
Kim: [trying to hold back laughter] Number two. Hilary Duff.
Sequoia: [laughing] Number three. “Weird Al” Yankovic.
Kim: Number four. William Shatner.
Sequoia: [laughing] Number five. Ellen DeGeneres.
Kim: And our prediction for the winner of the next season of Masked Singer is…
Both: T-Pain…
Kim: ...for the second time.
Sequoia: ...again. [laughs]
Kim: Didn’t see that coming, did ya?
Sequoia: Nobody did!
Kim: No one would see that!
Sequoia: Couldn’t be T-Pain again.
Kim: No one would guess it.
Sequoia: And yet…
Kim: [mimicking T-Pain, sounding robotic/autotuned] I’m. T-Pain.
Both: [T-Pain voice] In. The. Club. You. Know. Me. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: That’s wrong. Backwards. [both laugh]
Kim: [T-Pain voice] But.
Both: [T-Pain voice] You drank. [Kim laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello! I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is [singin] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Kim: It’s our podcast about…
Sequoia: About The Masked Singer! [both laugh]
Kim: You got me.
Sequoia: [laughing] Still called Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: You got me. Yeah, well, we didn’t put a fandom in all of our branding.
Sequoia: Exactly. [laughs]
Kim: Obviously. [laughs]
Sequoia: No, this is our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Ugh, such a shame. You know what? It’s coming, though. When the next season comes out, this podcast is over. [Sequoia laughs] And it will from thenceforth beeeeee…
Sequoia: [laughing] Henceforth, bitches. [continues laughing]
Kim: I can’t do the bit where I come up with other podcast names on the podcast. That’s not a bit that I can do.
Sequoia: No. I can’t do that either. [sighs] A moment of silence for our inability to make a joke. Thank you.
Kim: Where’s Colin? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Friends, you have left us… an abundance of beautiful, wonderful reviews.
Kim: Oh, we’re gonna get straight into the reviews.
Sequoia: Yeah, did you have something you wanna talk about?
Kim: I dunno.
Sequoia: Uhm…
Kim: [robotic/autotuned T-Pain voice, quietly] I’m. T-Pain. In..
Both: [T-Pain voice] The. Club.
Sequoia: [quietly] But. You. Drank.
Kim: Here it is. Here’s what I want to talk about. Listeners, here’s an update on…
Sequoia: Oh! Okay! Here’s…!
Kim: ...studioooooo segment. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Our studio segment. [returns to normal voice] We’re back in the studio!
Kim: We’re back in the studio.
Sequoia: It’s blue now. In here.
Kim: It is blue now. There’s fresh carpet. You can still kinda smell the glue. [sniffs]
Sequoia: Inhaling just a little bit of carpet… glue… fumes… Mhm. Sniff ‘em in.
Kim: Breathin’ that in. [both laugh] It’s good to be back in the studio.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I... I missed it.
Sequoia: Listen. We’re back in the studio. I bought a new car. You…
Both: Fell down some stairs. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: It all evens out. [Sequoia continues laughing] Karma is way more balanced now. Jesus Christ. I’m mostly fine.
Sequoia: It’s... we got some elevated… elevated ankle over here. Keep it elevated. [Kim groans] Iced. It’s bandaged!
Kim: It is bandaged.
Sequoia: You got some bandage on there.
Kim: I gotta… I gotta do something to keep the [laughing] swelling down. [laughs]
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] Jesus Christ.
Kim: This is not funny.
Sequoia: You know what, listeners? We’re fine and you don’t need to worry about us, I think is the message [trying not to laugh] that we really wanted to get across.
Kim: We... are... getting exactly what we deserve. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh! Anyway…
Kim: Speaking of getting... no, this isn’t what we deserve, but it is what we get.
Sequoia: It’s what we get. It’s definitely not what we deserve. [makes alarmed noises]
Kim: We got… so many reviews. Still coming in.
Sequoia: We’re just gonna be… we’re just gonna be very behind forever. But we don’t want to stop doing this segment, so we’re just going to do ten-ish every time, so that we don’t take up all the time in the world with it. But we need to tell you…
Kim: About these reviews.
Sequoia: ...about these reviews. Shout out to Legiolinde, who compared listening to our podcast to that meme of a guy eating ice cream [Kim laughs quietly] with the people in the ice cream ad and we want to thank you because that’s exactly what we were going for.
Kim: It is. Shout out to… I don’t want to give a shout out to this. All right. Here we go. [Sequoia laughs] Shout out to IKnowWhoYouAre! This... their review is titled This Is A Podcast, and their review is just four heart emojis, so I guess what I’m trying to say is, when Sequoia and I get murdered.
Sequoia: Get murdered.
Kim: Go find this person. [Sequoia laughs] FBI.
Sequoia: Thank you for your service for the country. Thank you very much. [Kim groans] Shout out to Anna E. S. who says we make them feel right at home. How sweet!
Kim: Huh. Shout out to KMech262, who has learned what they were missing out in the world of fanfic from us and what they were missing out on was… everything.
Sequoia: Everything! [Kim chuckles] Shout out to Nordic Noergaard, who asserts that listening to us for one month straight is good for your health and we… agree.
Kim: Disagree.
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] No.
Kim: Disagree. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shout out to Jasey, who says listening to the pod is like having their two BFFs in the car with them. Little do they know we are in their car.
Kim: There’s snacks back here. [both laugh] Got Cheerios under your seats. [Sequoia continues laughing] I can’t not do it.
Sequoia: Snappy! These are supposed to be snappy! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh no. Shout out to Hanako, who listens to us while their baby is sleeping. You know… I haven’t slept since I was a baby.
Sequoia: Ba dum tsss! [both laugh] Stupid joke. Shout out to Iris, who says this podcast has ruined their life.
Kim: We need some specifics.
Sequoia: Five stars. [both laugh]
Kim: Please tell us how we have ruined your life. [Sequoia continues laughing] I need to know. Shout out to Valerie, who relistened to several of our episodes on a road trip in order to trick their friend into becoming a listener, which is something that I would recommend that all of you do.
Sequoia: Trick. Your. Friends. 2019. [both laugh]
Kim: Great! Trick your friends [Sequoia laughs] and leave us some reviews.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for your reviews, everyone. We love them. They make our day. They warm our hearts. Our cold, cold hearts. Thank you.
Kim: You have a heart?
Sequoia: That was... don’t tell them! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Oh man. Yeah, seriously though, listeners. Just, like, the interactions we’re getting from our listeners really do… make me feel... something… adjacent [Sequoia laughs] to… happiness.
Sequoia: [high-pitched, laughing] Jesus Christ!
Kim: We’ve gotten some really…
Sequoia: Why’d that take you so long to say?! [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] We’ve gotten some really nice emails recently as well.
Sequoia: Oh man. [sighs]
Kim: And I just wanted to thank all you listeners out there for being so nice.
Sequoia: [radio voice] Thank you to all you listeners out there for being so nice.
Kim: Why... why is that radio voice? [laughs quietly]
Sequoia: I don’t know. I’ve never done that before. I don’t know why I did it now. [Kim laughs] All right guys, here’s the thing. This podcast is about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: [simultaneously] Masked Singer!
Sequoia: [laughing] You did it to me this time. [both laugh] DO YOU LIKE THIS BIT? [laughs harder]
Kim: It’s staying. [Sequoia continues laughing] Just you wait.
Sequoia: Okay! I have the privilege of presenting a fanfiction to all of you today.
Kim: No, you know what?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Before you can do that…
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] Oh, right.
Kim: [also trying not to laugh] ...we have some more stuff to do.
Sequoia: [while laughing] Stop... stop doing that. Stop doing that. [both laugh] Oh, we did so good writing stuff down today, and then forgot about it.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So here’s the thing.
Kim: Before we jump into predictions…
Both: ...we…
Kim: ...need to wrap up some loose prediction threads [Sequoia laughs] from our past episodes.
Sequoia: Here’s the fucking thing, you guys. Like you, I was so [Kim laughing] emotionally SCARRED by what had just been read. To. Me.
Kim: You’re welcome! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I was so scarred that I forgot… we both forgot.
Kim: We both forgot. I was so excited about what I’d gotten [Sequoia laughs] to do, Sequoia was so mentally scarred...
Sequoia: I was so mentally scarred…
Kim: ...we forgot…
Sequoia: ...I got a point!
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I did.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So I got a point for the prediction that none of the Trio were going to be in that fic.
Kim: You are seriously pulling ahead of me.
Sequoia: I am.
Kim: Because, returning back to the episode before that one even, [Sequoia laughs] we... if you’ve forgotten, which we had as well, we ran a Twitter poll about whether or not I should get a point for my prediction that the Valentine’s story was going to be a Valentine’s story.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Twitter says that it wasn’t a Valentine’s story, but I do not agree with Twitter.
Sequoia: I do. So you didn’t get a point.
Kim: Either way.
Sequoia: And I do get a point. And here we go. I think I’m at, like, 11.5 now.
Kim: You’re really pulling ahead.
Sequoia: Really pulling ahead.
Kim: It’s… it’s really hurting me. So… [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] She said, forty episodes in.
Kim: [laughing] It’s hurting me.
Sequoia: ONLY 11.5 points.
Kim: It’s hurting me.
Sequoia: Really slaying you all.
Kim: Speaking of Twitter interactions with people, is your warning from Twitter in effect?
Sequoia: I feel like that just like gives away so much.
Kim: Only to the people who have listened from Twitter.
Sequoia: Okay. If… the... well…
Kim: And me!
Sequoia: Yeah, okay. I guess I do have to say this because I fuckin’... okay. So! [Kim laughs] For those of you on Twitter... [breaks into laughter]
Kim: Who have been following what Sequoia [Sequoia continues laughing] was doing the other night.
Sequoia: [laughing] What I was doing…
Kim: Was Sequoia was live tweeting the other night.
Sequoia: Theeee… the prediction ban in question is NOT in effect.
Kim: [gasps] Really?!
Sequoia: And I’m sorry.
Kim: Oooh! Ho ho ho hooooo.
Sequoia: I’m very sorry. You know who... we know who I’m talking to.
Kim: Ho ho ho hoooo!
Sequoia: We know the specific person to whom I am currently apologizing. I am sorry.
Kim: I’m sad! [Sequoia laughs] Is it me?
Sequoia: No! It’s not you, I don’t care what you wanted. [Kim groans] [both laugh] Okay! [wrestling announcer voice] ARE. YOU. READY?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. So, this fanfiction is called… Pocket Change. It is romance/humor. And it was written post Order of the Phoenix. [Kim groans] [laughs]
Kim: Oh my God. You didn’t… this is nothing.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is nothing.
Kim: [singing] This is nothing.
Sequoia: You are correct. Correct.
Kim: Great. Prediction one, Neville is there. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Great great great great great.
Kim: Neville is PRESENT.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This is a prediction that has not worked out once, I think for anybody that’s made it. It takes place at Hogsmeade.
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: Not worked out once.
Sequoia: It hasn’t, previously.
Kim: I keep making those two predic… no. [Sequoia laughs] It’s… it’s the worst strategy.
Sequoia: That’s too much.
Kim: I wanna guess that there’s a meet cute in this. Of the variety where two people run into each other physically.
Sequoia: Oh wow! Oh, that’s good! [Kim laughs]
Kim: I don’t know that that is good. I think that’s probably too specific.
Sequoia: It’s... it is too specific.
Kim: I’m doing it anyway.
Sequoia: But I love it.
Kim: And [Sequoia laughs] those are my three.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: I want two people to like, oh! Oh! No, no, I didn’t see you! [makes gross make out noises]
Sequoia: [laughs] You mean you want two people to fall on top of each other and their lips fall on top of each other’s lips?
Kim: Every time. I want that…
Sequoia: Every time?
Kim: ...every time. [Sequoia laughs] I’m not kidding.
Sequoia: Good. Chapter one. Hermione tapped busily away at her computer.
Kim: N... what?
Sequoia: Yess.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Mhm. [holding back laughter] I’m getting into it. There we go. [both laugh]
Kim: [whiny voice] Why is Hermione on her computer?
Sequoia: Her article was nearly done.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She needed a few more adjustments before she would hand it in, a week early, to her boss. It was...
Kim: Okay. Okay, okay. So this is… this is happening after Hogwarts. She’s not, like, part of a journalism club.
Sequoia: [laughs] No she’s not, but I would also like to read that, thank you. [both laugh]
Kim: Hermione starts a…
Both: ...journalism club!
Sequoia: They’ve got computers! [Kim snorts] [laughs]
Kim: She puts out an underground student newspaper. [Sequoia laughs] About how much…
Sequoia: She’s an investigative reporter.
Kim: ...the Daily Prophet sucks. [Sequoia laughs] I’d read it.
Sequoia: Yeah! No, I’m into it. She’s doing… something. That’s not that.
Kim: Great. Is Draco Malfoy her boss? [Sequoia laughs] I love it when Draco Malfoy is Hermione’s boss in post Hogwarts stories no I don’t! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I wouldn’t do that to you again. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh right! We’ve already done that.
Sequoia: We’ve been there! It was a long and detailed report on lipstick and hair color, and how they could both mesh in the most attractive ways.
Kim: [Sequoia laughs throughout] What? What? What? What? What? What? What? [pause] What?
Sequoia: She’s writing an article on a computer… about lipstick and hair color.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Hermione, at twenty three, was the lead editor and writer for Yes! Glitter. Sorry. [both laugh] I’ve read this story like three times and everytime, I just, like, YES! GLITTERRRR! [laughs]
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Yesssss. [continues to laugh]
Kim: Whaaaaaaat is happening??? [pause as both catch their breath]
Sequoia: Yes…
Kim: Hermione would write the most detailed articles about whatever she was set to write.
Sequoia: It would be, like, not even fun to read.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: You’d be like, I don’t even nee… I didn’t want to know the chemical compounds that make up lipstick.
Kim: I didn’t want to know how that [Sequoia laughs] affects the color fastness. Just tell me…
Sequoia: What to buy! [both laugh] Okay, so she was the lead editor and writer for Yes! Glitter.
Kim: [pepped up cheerleader voice] Yes! Glitter!
Sequoia: [pepped up cheerleader voice] Yes! Glitter, the newest and hottest magazine for women eighteen to twenty nine.
Kim: Uhh… great?
Sequoia: All... [laughing] Sorry.
Kim: Great. I feel like those are different demographics.
Sequoia: Eighteen to twenty nine?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: As a person who has been eighteen and…
Kim: Who is in the upper… [mutters unintelligibly]
Sequoia: And twenty seven, yeah.
Kim: ...area of that.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m like, no, that’s different.
Kim: That’s different. There’s a reason it’s Seventeen magazine and not Somewhere in Between [Sequoia laughs] Seventeen and Twenty Nine magazine. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Hermione.
Sequoia: [sighs] She… you know. She’s probably just looking at data points. She has no idea. She’s never read the magazine. [Kim snorts] She doesn’t know what’s happening. [laughs] Already it was rumored that her promotion was drawing nearer and nearer…
Kim: Wait, so she’s already the head writer and head… is she the editor in chief?
Sequoia: She’s the lead editor and writer and I [trying not to laugh] don’t know what that’s meant to mean.
Kim: What is she going to be promoted to?
Sequoia: The…
Kim: The... the…
Sequoia: She’s gonna inherit the company.
Kim: The hat writer?
Sequoia: The hat writ... [laughs]
Kim: Above the head?
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: Sorry. That was bad.
Sequoia: Wow. What if I cut that?
Kim: Just chill me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The hat editor. Get out of here.
Kim: [laughs] I can’t.
Sequoia: This is the worst comedy podcast I’ve ever been on. [laughs]
Kim: I can’t leave. Not. Super. Mobile.
Sequoia: [laughs] And time would only tell when she would inherit the company, [Kim snorts] as the owner, Cassandra Sorney, aged fifty-two, was childless and planning on soon retiring to the Caribbean with her boyfriend, aged twenty-two.
Kim: Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: No. My… no! You don’t even know what’s gonna happen to you!
Kim: I’m really confused. [Sequoia laughs] Are you reading me, like, The Devil Wears Prada or something? [Sequoia laughs harder]
Sequoia: No, she doesn’t not like the owner. There’s no… there’s nothing there.
Kim: Okay, fine, fine.
Sequoia: So she’s typing away at her computer, ‘kay.
Kim: [trying not to laugh] Great.
Sequoia: Typing, typing, typing. Typy, typy, typy. Just then Candace, the head editor… [brief pause]
Kim: Wait… [tries to hold back laughter]
Sequoia: [laughing] She’s not the head… she’s the lead editor, I think, which is different [both laugh] It’s different. It’s lower, it’s different, I don’t know what’s happening.
Kim: Right, she’s typing this article to give to her…
Both: Boss.
Sequoia: The head editor.
Kim: The head editor.
Sequoia: Whose boss is... [laughing] the hat editor! [Kim snorts] Just coincidentally writes all the articles about hats. [both laugh] Just a coincidence! The head editor bustled up. Candace was almost always so distracted. It was as if she had a very tender hold on the idea of relaxation. “Granger!” she cried hurriedly. “Are you done with your article? Nearly? Good! Dragon’s booking was cancelled and now we can interview him, thank God!”
Kim: Um...
Sequoia: “We’ll sell about a million copies [trying not to laugh] with his face plastered on the cover!”
Kim: Umm… is that Draco? [Sequoia laughs hard] Where is Draco?! [laughs]
Sequoia: He’s Dragon.
Kim: That’s Draco, right?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes it is.
Kim: Is he… uh…?
Sequoia: Guesses, guesses. Bring ‘em, bring ‘em. He’s gonna...
Kim: Is he the frontman of a boy band? [Sequoia laughing] Oh my God. If he’s not I’m gonna be mad.
Sequoia: He’s the next contestant [laughing] on The Masked Singer. [continues laughing]
Kim: He’ll never be T-Pain again. [both laugh]
Sequoia: T-Pain wins every season. Okay. [laughs]
Kim: I would watch that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. “We’ll sell about a million copies with his face plastered on the cover!”
Kim: There are not a million wizards.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: There’s like ten.
Sequoia: There are not a million wizards.
Kim: Oh my Goooood. [Sequoia laughs] This is AU!
Sequoia: Is it though? You just gotta hold for the text, okay? [Kim groans loudly]
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: Hermione coughed and spat out the water she’d been drinking, which got on her keyboard. Panicky, she dabbed it with a tissue.
Kim: [quietly] Spit.
Sequoia: “I can’t interview him!” [Kim laughs quietly] she yelped, still spluttering and trying to soak up the water.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: But Candace was already gone.
Kim: [holding back laughter] But Hermione’s got this twenty page article [Sequoia laughs] about coordinating your hair and lipstick colors.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s all about the underlying… you know. Color.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: In the color.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: What color is most prominent in this color?
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: Or that color?
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: And she’ll tell you every s– [bursts into laughter]
Kim: The best color combination is… green…
Sequoia: And…
Kim: And… platinum blonde. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. [laughs] Here we go. Dragon was really Draco Malfoy, her arch nemesis [Kim laughs] at Hogwarts. After graduation he’d hit it big, digging right into the music industry.
Kim: Yesss!
Sequoia: His father hadn’t…
Kim: With his two back up [Sequoia laughs] singer dancer members, Vinny…
Sequoia: Crabbe and Goy... [bursts into laughter]
Kim: ...and Greg.
Sequoia: [laughing] Vinny and Greg.
Kim: Ahhhh! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: I love it.
Sequoia: I wanted to do this one last time, but I couldn’t do two bands in a row.
Kim: Right, right. Of course. [Sequoia laughs] Obviously.
Sequoia: [laughing] It was too much. It was overkill. His father hadn’t approved at first…
Kim: I’m sorry. Don’t you mean…
Both: [posh, dramatic, drawling voices] HIS FATHERR! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’m sorry. Thank you. Thank you for correcting me. That is EXACTLY what I meant. [both laugh] ...but apparently, Lucius Malfoy didn’t approve of anything until he got a share of it. So once Draco began to forward ten percent of his profits to his beloved father, Lucius had been quite supportive.
Kim: Sure, fine. Whatever.
Sequoia: Hermione hated Draco.
Kim: No way.
Sequoia: A lot. [Kim laughs] One cubicle down, her co-worker Sharon had a glazed look to her eyes. “You’re so lucky,” she sighed. “You get to talk to him.” “I’d let you do it if I could,” Hermione grumbled, saving her document and [laughing] sending it to the printers.
Kim: I want her to write the most savage, eviscerating [Sequoia laughs] teardown of Draco that has ever been written.
Sequoia: Yeah, but what can she say? She can’t just be like, oh this guy... I guess she can just say he was racist.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And that would be done.
Kim: Yeah. We went to school together. He was THE biggest racist.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let’s kill him.
Sequoia: [laughing] Let’s kill him. She busied herself with retrieving it and sending it to Candace’s office, still hot from the press, while she thought. Draco. [Kim laughs] The last time he’d seen her, she’d been awkward, stifled into a sort of shyness by her two best friends, who were boys.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It was hard to be attractive to any boy when almost everyone thought you were the stern property of two others who had been like brothers to her.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Well, she’d had a fling with Ron but they had both been as suited to each other as a nail and a stag. The only time they went together was when the stag was being beheaded and its antlers mounted to the wall.
Kim: Wow. [both laugh] Holy shit!
Sequoia: Savage. [continues laughing]
Kim: What the fuck does that metaphor mean?
Sequoia: I don’t know, but I like it.
Kim: Hermione and Ron only go together when she’s… nailing him to the wall? [Sequoia bursts out laughing] I’m into it!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, sure. We’ll go with that one.
Kim: Also, Harry and Ron stifled her into being unattractive?
Sequoia: Yeah. They were just so… [sighs] boys, you know. And everyone thought like, well, we can’t date her ‘cause she’s clearly gonna date Ron. [pause] And then she did. [both laugh] And she’s complaining about it. Draco had been very mocking of Hermione when she was younger.
Kim: ‘Cause he’s the worst.
Sequoia: Mhm. She could fix herself up, that’s what she could do. Maybe she’d be able to shock him enough to get the upper hand.
Kim: He probably just won’t recognize you. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [singing] Well, hold for the text, please.
Kim: Oh my God!
Sequoia: Hermione smiled to herself as she sat back down at her desk. If she could make him feel foolish, that would be fantastic.
Kim: No! Expose him for the shithead he is! You have the power here, Hermione!
Sequoia: She’s just so used to writing about lipstick. [Kim laughs] And hair color.
Kim: And she’s forgotten how to…
Sequoia: Eviscerate people? [laughs]
Kim: Nail them to the wall?
Sequoia: [laughing] Nail them to the wall!
Kim: What is that metaphor? [both laugh]
Sequoia: And that would make a fantastic story for the article, too. The Dragon: Not As Cool As You Might Think.
Kim: Actually…
Sequoia: A racist.
Kim: ...a terrible racist. [Sequoia laughs] Whose family killed people. And… what is happening? A million copies isn’t that many in the non-wizarding community.
Sequoia: No, it’s not. That’s like very little. [both laugh]
Kim: He’s a worldwide pop superstar!
Sequoia: We’ll sell a million copies! Draco wasn’t due until after lunch.
Kim: [laughing] Can’t believe the story… fuck. [continues to laugh]
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Am I reading over your shoulder? Maybe.
Sequoia: What the fuck, dude? [both laugh] Hermione spent her time talking animatedly to Ginny Weasley on the phone.
Kim: Huh? Fine. Doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: Ginny preferred to be called Ginevra these days.
Kim: Woah! What!
Sequoia: Yeeeeess.
Kim: They actually used her name?!
Sequoia: Her real name! Not Virginia! She ain’t Virginia.
Kim: Weird!
Sequoia: Ginevra. She prefers to be called Ginevra.
Kim: That’s weird.
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] It was so much more attractive, apparently.
Kim: [whispers] Ginevra. [normal voice] Do you think she goes by just Ginevra and she’s also a pop superstar? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Like Cher, yeah. No, she’s not. [Kim sighs] You just… JUST. COULD.
Kim: Just read faster!!
Sequoia: Just! [both laugh]
Kim: I... okay, but actually, speculative fanfictions about what the characters do after Hogwarts, especially when they’re nuts, are my favorite.
Sequoia: Right?!
Kim: Ugh, so good!
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: What does Ginny do?
Sequoia: Ginny was in…
Kim: I mean, sorry. Ginevra.
Sequoia: Ginevra. No, it still says Ginny. [both laugh] Ginny was in the business industry…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [high-pitched voice, trying not to laugh] We don’t get a better explanation than that.
Kim: She goes to the… she does a business.
Sequoia: [laughing] She goes to the business... to the business building. [laughs]
Kim: She goes to the business factory, [Sequoia continues laughing] she does a business, she goes by Ginevra. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] So much more attractive.
Both: [laughing] Business…
Sequoia: ...factory. Having also fled the wizarding world to the more attractive challenges of the Muggle world.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The Muggle world is like a shiny, glamorous experience.
Kim: I mean, they do have computers.
Sequoia: They do. Computers are pretty cool...
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: ...I would say. But also, use…
Both: ...magic. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You haven’t disowned magic, you just decided you wanted to write about lipstick. [Kim laughs] It’s, like, a different thing.
Kim: She could’ve done that for a wizard magazine! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: That’s true. But that’s probably what Lavender Brown is doing, and you know, she didn’t wanna...
Kim: Yeah! She could have been Lavender Brown’s editor!
Sequoia: That’s true!
Kim: What’s happening? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ginny was a business advisor and was one of those rich bitch ladies that wore slimming clothes of dark color and intimidated men. [both laugh]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She’s wealthy, [laughing] she’s wearing slimming, dark colored clothing.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: [laughing] She yells at men, I think is what that said.
Kim: Do that. Ginevra. Do a business.
Sequoia: [laughing] Do a business! [composes herself while Kim laughs quietly] By the time noon came around, Hermione ate a carrot, then checked to make sure there were no ugly orange bits stuck in her teeth. Then, around one in the afternoon… [Kim laughs] [laughing] Wait a second, that took an hour? [both laugh hard, at length]
Kim: [laughing] Do you think she was eating the carrot for the majority of that…
Both: [laughing] Or checking her teeth? [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: [laughing] A full hour!
Kim: [whispering] Jesus.
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] If you ate a carrot at, like, regular carrot eating speeds, [laughing] how long would the carrot have to be for it to take an hour? I would like the calculations on my desk...
Kim: Okay, I’ll have to...
Sequoia: ...tomorrow.
Kim: [both still laughing] I’ll have to time myself eating some carrots. I’ll get right on that.
Sequoia: Actually, if we could get a collection of data from our listeners.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: [laughing] Please tweet at us how long it takes you…
Both: [laughing] ...to eat a carrot!
Kim: Actually, we need the…
Sequoia: Also, the length of the carrot.
Kim: Yeah. [both continue laughing hilariously]
Sequoia: [laughing] This is not the joke or the tangent I expected, but I’m crying. It’s fine.
Kim: I’m crying as well. [both laugh and try to compose themselves] Oh my God.
Sequoia: Okay. Then, at around one in the afternoon, she floated towards the make up and change rooms, where all the interviewed celebrities got done up before their interviews. She could hear strains of a guitar… [Kim bursts out laughing and Sequoia joins her]
Kim: [laughing] Fucking Draco.
Sequoia: [laughing] Just getting his make up done, just like…
Kim: [laughing] Just playing his guitar.
Sequoia: [laughing] ...playing his guitar.
Kim: [laughing] God, I hate him so much.
Sequoia: [laughing] What a fucking asshole. [composes herself] Then a female voice…
Kim: I’m okay.
Sequoia: Are you done?
Kim: I’m just crying.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: Still. [Sequoia continues laughing]
Sequoia: She could hear the strains of a guitar, then a female voice shrieking something about angst.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] Does he have an entourage or is this his band?
Sequoia: [laughs] I think she... I think she’s a… she’s a fangirl.
Kim: [laughs] Or is Draco’s voice the female voice? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Those are all good options. The text does not delve further...
Kim: Into this female voice.
Sequoia: ...into this female voice.
Kim: With the angst?
Sequoia: I think it’s supposed to be a fangirl. From the tone. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Great.
Sequoia: Hermione peeked into the room, where a group of women clustered around a tall, slender man, whose hair was so pale it flashed silver in the bright lightbulbs fixed atop the mirrors, which ran from wall to wall.
Kim: So it’s his entourage.
Sequoia: It’s his entourage.
Kim: Great. Draco has a… did you ever watch the Pokemon anime?
Sequoia: Oh my God. No! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh well. Dear listeners, some of you might know [Sequoia laughs] Gary and his entourage. That’s what I’m imagining right now.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: Wasn’t it weird? He was like eleven and he would drive around in that car with all of those older women? [Sequoia laughs] What was up with that?
Sequoia: I don’t know what’s happening.
Kim: What was up with that?
Sequoia: Draco was smiling and waving the girls off. He was wearing a rumpled pair of jeans and a tight shirt with artistic text splattered all over it. [Kim snorts] Hermione managed to read the words, “Cut to the core.”
Kim: Oh my. [both laugh quietly] [whispers] Artistic text. [Sequoia lets out a long groan before laughing] Oh this is so good. I love this. Bizarre.
Sequoia: Yep. He was beautiful. He was dazzling.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: He was… amazing.
Kim: A Veela.
Sequoia: [laughing] He was a Veela. Anyone who was anybody was his friend, and anyone who breathed had seen his face on the front of endless magazines.
Kim: But didn’t bother to buy the magazines.
Sequoia: No. Because they can only sell a million copies. You j… they just stand at the magazine stand and sort of read it until somebody yells at them.
Kim: Dragon.
Sequoia: Yeah. Draco… Oh jeez.
Kim: That’s not like a... like a… Dragon. I feel that’s a boy band member name.
Sequoia: No, he’s like an angsty… rock… guy.
Kim: Do you think he split off from a boy band?
Sequoia: Oooooh.
Kim: Gone... he’s gone solo?
Sequoia: I like that.
Kim: Mhm. Him and Blaise and Vinny and [Sequoia laughs] Greg.
Sequoia: [laughing] And Greg. And Blaise is always mad because he’s not, like, the front man of the band.
Kim: Yes, and so they split up.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Draco went solo. Blaise also went solo, but Blaise didn’t do so well.
Sequoia: Exac... Draco did way better. And then Vinny and Greg…
Kim: Are dead.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ, dude! [laughs]
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Damn!
Kim: Fanfic over. What are we talking about?
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy was, many said, a musical genius…
Kim: I… do not believe them.
Sequoia: ...surpassing Reznor and Cobain with his skills and creativity.
Kim: Oof.
Sequoia: It was like…
Kim: Oof.
Sequoia: ...nnnno!
Kim: Absolutely…
Both: ...not!
Sequoia: Hermione crudely suspected other people were paid to do all the work and Draco merely took all the credit.
Kim: That sounds correct.
Sequoia: Correct. Draco graduated and he was like, what if I just use magic and then…
Kim: Got a lot of…
Sequoia: ...got a lot of… fans. And money.
Kim: And attention.
Sequoia: And attention. [laughs]
Kim: All of the atten… What if... what if I had the attention of everyone?
Sequoia: What if I was like Harry Potter, but to… way more people? [laughs]
Kim: And then he did that.
Sequoia: And then he did it.
Kim: You know what? This is… this checks out.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I’m into this.
Sequoia: This is canon. Thank you.
Kim: Here we go. [suggestively] You know what he does when he… when no one else is around, though?
Sequoia: Oh Jesus Christ! WE WERE GONNA HAVE SUCH NICE EPISODE! [laughs quietly]
Kim: [quietly] What uuup?
Sequoia: Cut to the core. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, does it say more of what his shirt says? [sighs]
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Not more goth.
Sequoia: Still, Hermione had to hand it to him—he was lovely. He was aristocratically pale…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...and charming…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: ...and he didn’t even seem to recognize her. In fact, when he rose to say hello and shake her hand, not even a bit of surprise flickered in his ice gray eyes.
Kim: I mean, who the fuck would expect Hermione Granger to be working at…
Both: YESSS! GLITTERRR!!! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: No one. No one would expect that, Hermione.
Sequoia: Mmmm Yes! Glitter! [both laugh] Hermione felt incredibly pleased.
Kim: Got ‘im!
Sequoia: Unfortunately, when she turned on her heel to beckon him out of the room towards a more reasonable place for the interview, Draco said to her, “Nice ass, Granger.”
Kim: Oh, never mind. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Never mind, kill him.
Kim: Oh wait.
Sequoia: [singing] Kill him.
Kim: Is it like in that story where Harry recognized…
Both: ...Draco’s dick? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: But Draco recognized Hermione’s butt. [Sequoia continues laughing] He’s face blind, but remembers every butt he’s seen?
Sequoia: [laughing] Remembers every butt he’s ever seen?
Kim: Draco?
Sequoia: Oh no. Chapter two. [both laugh] “It’s been years and you’re still such a pig,” Hermione sniffed.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That’s no way to start an interview. Draco shrugged. [Kim laughs] “It’s a habit.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Hermione glowered, then led the way in. “This is the room where we will proceed with the interview.” “Just an interview?” [Kim’s breath bursts and both laugh]
Kim: Fuckin’ Draco.
Sequoia: [singing] Zero to a hundred. [pause] Real quick. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my God.
Sequoia: “Just stop talking unless I ask you a direct question.”
Kim: That’s not going to help.
Sequoia: [laughs] No.
Kim: Why is she doing the interview? I don’t understand!
Sequoia: Because she’s about to inherit the company and she can’t just be like, no, because then what if she doesn’t inherit the company, you know? She’s got a lot of expectations as the lead… editor. [laughs]
Kim: And head writer.
Sequoia: And lead writer.
Kim: Lead…
Sequoia: Lead editor/writer.
Kim: Lead in… to the head… [both laugh]
Sequoia: To the hat… editor. She’s got a lot...
Kim: We know how magazines work!
Sequoia: [laughing] Does anyone wanna tell us how magazines work? She’s got...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: ...a lot…
Kim: Riding on this interview?
Sequoia: ...riding on this interview!
Kim: Well, she’s gonna...
Sequoia: They have to sell one million copies!
Kim: Look, you put Dragon’s face on the cover and people are gonna buy no matter what the fucking interview says.
Sequoia: That’s true. But it has to be...
Kim: Just have a picture of his, like, abs real close.
Sequoia: Right, with the t-shirt scrunched up so you can see his abs?
Kim: But also still see the words…
Sequoia: But also still see where it says cut to the core. [both laugh] Stupid!
Kim: That’s an important part. Do you think those are song lyrics that he has had written for him?
Sequoia: Oh, is it like a band t-shirt?
Kim: [whispering] Yes.
Sequoia: What if…? [laughs] No. “Whatever makes you happy, Granger,” Draco said, rolling his eyes as he went and sat on the leather couch. If one were to look out the window several stories down, one would see the hundreds of fans clustered on the pavement screaming for Draco.
Kim: Fucking weird. [Sequoia laughs] I love it. Weird!
Sequoia: Draco was very… smiling. That was something Hermione could give him. Fame had mellowed him out incredibly.
Kim: I...
Both: ...highly doubt that. [both laugh]
Kim: Have you seen Draco?
Sequoia: He’s talking for two seconds and he’s been like, hey, nice ass. This is just an interview? And Hermione’s like wow, what a mellow guy. [laughs]
Kim: He’s really... he’s really toned down. I mean, I guess he’s not calling her racial slurs.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s something.
Sequoia: It’s... yeah, it’s definitely different. [both laugh] Definitely different.
Kim: Fine. Not great!
Sequoia: Not great. Or maybe he had always had a crush on her but was too afraid of his father’s disapproval to let on.
Kim: Is this Hermione speculating?
Sequoia: Yep. [Kim laughs] She’s like, hmm. Maybe he does like me, I don’t know.
Kim: Maybe he’s always liked me.
Sequoia: Maybe he’s always liked me. He’s a rock star now. [Kim quietly laughing] He’s cut to the core.
Kim: Great. Whatever.
Sequoia: Er… Probably the former. Hermione sat on the armchair across from him with her notebook and pen so she could write down his physical reactions. I don’t know. [laughs] She set a tape recorder on the coffee table between them and pressed the record button.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Man, so much of this could be magic.
Kim: Yeah, right. They’re both...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...wizards in this scenario. There’s no reason she couldn’t… whatever.
Sequoia: Magic, magic. Then she chewed on the tip of her pen for a moment before saying, “So, Draco, how’s the tour coming?”
Kim: Who the fuck cares?
Sequoia: Draco gave her the thumbs up, [trying not to laugh] a perfect picture of a quirky celebrity.
Kim: What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thumbs up! Cut to the core! [both laugh]
Kim: I’m quirky now! [Sequoia continues laughing] Earlier I was devastatingly handsome, and now I’m quirky! Pick a personality, Draco. Come on. You gotta be an archetype. Although maybe he doesn’t have to be an archetype ‘cause he’s not in a boy band any more.
Sequoia: Exactly. Now he could really break out. He’s multidimensional. He’s really just like a real person, you know? [laughs]
Kim: Draco is not…
Sequoia: He’s just like a real sensitive guy.
Kim: Draco is not… [Sequoia laughs] [quietly] quirky.
Sequoia: Very sensitive, and, like, real into… racism and objectification of women, you know? Just a real…
Kim: Thumbs up, nice ass! [both laugh]
Sequoia: ...thumbs up, nice guy, yeah. [laughs] “Great. Really great. Better than expected, actually.” Hermione looked politely interested.
Kim: Rivet... this is [singing] RIVETING.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is such a great interview. I wonder what it would’ve been like if somebody else did it. Hermione looked politely interested. “How so?” And they continued on for a half an hour more. Draco was very polite and rather humorous. Hermione found herself amused. After Draco answered the last question and Hermione stopped recording, Draco looked at her and said, “So… want to go out?” [both laugh]
Kim: It’s we... It’s weird that he… so he was weird going into the interview. They did a normal interview. [Sequoia laughs] And the second the interview’s over, he’s weird again.
Sequoia: Yup!
Kim: That’s… that’s really professional, actually, you know. [Sequoia laughs hard]
Sequoia: [laughs hard] [high pitched] Is it?
Kim: He’s really able to separate his... his... his fan celebrity life from his weird, Draco life.
Sequoia: [laughs] From his weird, hitting on Hermione uncomfortably Draco life?
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeees.
Kim: Very professional.
Sequoia: Also, who says, “Want to go out?”
Kim: Wanna go out?
Sequoia: [deep voice] Hey, wanna go out?
Kim: Ehh… I don’t know.
Sequoia: Ehh. Hermione stared. Draco rolled his eyes after about a minute. “Granger, I’m talking to you.” [Kim laughs quietly] “Obviously, since I’m the only other person in the room,” Hermione snapped, flustered. [Kim laughs] “So, do you want to go out?” “Uh…” Draco said, “We should catch up.”
Kim: No thank you. Absolutely not. Anything but that. What the fuck, Draco?
Sequoia: [laughs] Just leads with, “Want to go out?”
Kim: He meant… he didn’t mean like out on a date.
Sequoia: Didn’t he, though?
Kim: Just wants to catch up! On…
Sequoia: On…
Kim: ...her ass. [both laugh] On how she nailed Ron...
Both: ...to the wall. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “There’s nothing to catch up on, Draco,” Hermione pointed out dryly. “Oh, but there is,” Draco replied, with a bit of a smirk. “I’d like to know how someone as annoying as you got to be so successful. Besides…”
Kim: Same to you, buddy! [Sequoia laughs] You’re the worst!
Sequoia: Magic.
Kim: Hmm. Ah. Yes.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Besides, we could talk more. I’m sure an intensive article on me would be the key for you to jump ahead in your career.” Hermione chewed pensively on her bottom lip. “What’s in it for you?” Draco smiled charmingly. “Dinner with a pretty girl,” he said. [both groan]
Kim: Hermione, murder him. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “You are such a prat,” Hermione said with a sigh. She couldn’t resist a free meal with a rock star. [Kim laughs] “But all right.”
Kim: I feel like she could, though.
Sequoia: She could. You could be like, or, fuck right off. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. This is enough.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The article does not matter.
Sequoia: It’s your face on… the magazine.
Kim: There could be any words in this magazine and it would not matter.
Sequoia: Blah, blah, blah, Draco, blah, blah, blah.
Kim: Mhm. Yep.
Sequoia: Good. We did it. [Kim laughs] Oh, there was... there was... oh, I’m sorry. There was a passage of time.
Kim: Oh! Wait, so the... their conversation cuts off there?
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s like, hey, wanna catch up? Dinner with a pretty girl? And she’s like…
Kim: Oh right.
Sequoia: ...all right. And then the conversation’s over and there’s a passage of time.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid,” Hermione moaned, slamming her forehead against her computer screen. [both laugh] Someone would notice that. Like, break her computer screen.
Kim: You know, it was the early 2000s. Wasn’t that still when we had those huge monitors, do you remember?
Sequoia: Ohhh. Yeah. No, she’s… the computer’s fine.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s her.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s her that’s in danger.
Kim: Yeah. [pause] [Sequoia laughs] Computers used to be big.
Sequoia: They did used to be big. Man, 2005. She picked up her phone and dialed, waiting tensely and hoping Ginny would pick up.
Kim: [laughs] Oh no. I’m too busy doing a business!
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I’m advising a business. [both laugh]
Kim: I’m Ginevra!
Sequoia: “Hello?” “Ginny!” Hermione all but wailed. [Kim laughs quietly] Then she lowered her voice so that everyone else in the office would stop staring at her.
Kim: Go outside.
Sequoia: [laughs] Go outside. Don’t hit your head against your computer screen, maybe in the future. [laughs]
Kim: [laughing quietly] Jesus. Use magic.
Sequoia: “Ginny, I just did something really stupid!” “Like what?” Ginny asked.
Kim: Draco. She did Draco. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim groans]
Sequoia: No. No, she j… she just said yes to…
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: ...to the date. Jiminy criminy!
Kim: Oh, they haven’t gone on the date yet?
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: It wasn’t like, a passage of time, it was like, [quickly] a-passage-of-time.
Kim: Ohhhh!
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: Boring! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: “Like what?” Ginny asked, intrigued. She had just left the tanning salon and was feeling like her day just kept getting better and better. [Kim laughs] “Does it involve pineapples?”
Kim: What the fuck [Sequoia laughs] is wrong with Ginny?! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] I don’t know!
Kim: Excuse me?!
Sequoia: [high pitched] And also that just like is never addressed. [Kim continues laughing] She just says that. And Hermione’s just like, yeah, fucking whatever!
Kim: I’ve just made a terrible mistake!
Sequoia: She’s like, ah! Yes! Good! Did it involve pineapples? [continues laughing]
Kim: I’m doing a business! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] I’m... I’m doing a business. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Draco Malfoy asked me out and I said yes,” Hermione agonized. “Nice!” [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny is so weird. I love it. [both continue laughing]
Sequoia: ...Ginny cried, impressed. “Maybe you’ll even get to sleep with him! [Kim bursts out laughing] Oh, and then you could have an illegitimate baby and it’ll make the headlines and then Lucius will have you and your child murdered in a bloodless coup to ease the taint upon their family tree!” [both laugh]
Kim: Did Ginny just say taint?
Sequoia: Yep! [continues laughing]
Kim: That’s all I got, dude. [Sequoia laughs harder] What the fuck was that?
Sequoia: [laughs] “Ginny, this is serious!” “Okay, okay…”
Kim: That sounded pretty serious.
Sequoia: It did! She died in that one! [both laugh]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She was the taint upon the family tree.
Kim: Is Ginny okay? [Sequoia laughs] Seems like no.
Sequoia: She just left the tanning salon.
Kim: That doesn’t explain anything!
Sequoia: [laughs] It put her in a weird mood, I don’t know.
Kim: Jesus.
Sequoia: She just doesn’t have a lot of space left in her brain for normal activity. It’s just all filled with business [both start laughing] advising.
Kim: She’s too busy being a boss bitch.
Sequoia: Boss bitch! “Okay, okay,” Ginny soothed. “I’ll be at your place. Meet me there when you get off work, okay?”
Kim: Weird. I’ll be…
Both: ...at your house!
Sequoia: Would you please meet me... at your house!
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Don't go to my house!
Kim: Don’t let yourself into my house when I’m not there! Why do I have to say that? [pause] By the way, I need you to meet me at your house?
Sequoia: [laughs] A passage of time.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Holy shit,” Draco said to his friend Blaise…
Kim: Yesss…
Sequoia: ...sounding positively gleeful…
Kim: Blaise.
Sequoia: [posh, melodramatic voice] “My father…”
Kim: Wait, did he say that?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Oh, great.
Sequoia: “...will have a fit!”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “Probably,” Blaise agreed. Blaise was one of Draco’s best friends and also happened to be living near Draco, down on a beachfront residence.
Kim: Where are they?
Sequoia: I don’t know. Somewhere where beachfront property is like…
Kim: They’re in LA.
Sequoia: Oooh! They’re in LA!
Kim: Yeah, that makes sense. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Checks out.
Sequoia: Definitely in LA. Okay.
Kim: Done.
Sequoia: ...down on a beachfront residence, which explained Draco’s presence. There was no way he was going to try to visit…
Kim: What, the beachfront property explained Draco’s presence?
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s like, yes. Beachfront. Me and this [both laugh] sparkling white skin. [laughing] You know you’ll find me down at the beach. [both continue laughing]
Kim: Oh, weird. Oh, weird. I like it. [Sequoia laughs] Are Ginny and Blaise doing it in the background [Sequoia laughs harder] of this story? They’ve gotta be, right?
Sequoia: They’ve gotta be! Yesss!
Kim: Great. Like, I like Ginny/Blaise. That’s a great nonsense pairing.
Sequoia: That’s a good one. [laughs] “I couldn’t help myself,” Draco said with a bit of a sigh. “She was all attractive and unGrangerlike.” “You’d have to draw attention to the fact that you’re dating her in order to pish o... piss off Lucius enough,” Blaise said, making himself a Bloody Mary at the bar.
Kim: Mmm. So he’s… so he says they have to get caught in the tabloids for Lucius to be mad. Is that what he’s saying?
Sequoia: Basically. Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Fine.
Sequoia: “True,” Draco admitted, sinking into one of Blaise’s white couches. Blaise went to stand at the floor to ceiling window to admire his view as he drank.
Kim: Blaise’s apartment is nuts.
Sequoia: [laughs] Blaise is living the life. [continues laughing]
Kim: Yeah. Blaise is doing all right. What does Blaise do? A business?
Sequoia: [laughing] A business! That’s all! [both laugh] One hundred percent, absolutely a business. “How is your father, anyway?” Blaise inquired. Draco shrugged. “The usual.” A passage of time.
Kim: Great. Wait, what? That... their… does their conversation just end there?
Sequoia: Yeah. They’re just like, how’s your father? He’s... Lucius.
Kim: So we just stopped by just to see that Blaise exists? Just establishing that Blaise exists?
Sequoia: Yeah! And I mean, I would’ve totally just skipped this part, [Kim laughs] honestly. But like…
Kim: Blaise!
Sequoia: Blaise is there. So, there you go. There you have it.
Kim: He’s got a kickass apartment and he is dating Ginny in the background of the story. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: He’s got… yep. He does a... business. So this next part I am just gonna quickly summarize because it’s insane [Kim snorts] but nothing really happens.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: You just get, like, Tonks. She’s...
Kim: Tonks?
Sequoia: …there. Draco calls her.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: And she’s like, Draco, what the fuck do you want? [laughs] And, she’s like, I’m late for work, I can’t really talk, Draco. I love you, but I can’t really talk to you right now. They’re like BFF and it’s weird.
Kim: That’s weird.
Sequoia: That’s it.
Kim: Okay. What?
Sequoia: Tonks is just there and… Draco calls her and he’s like… she’s like… friends.
Kim: I love that they’re setting up this huge cast of characters around our main… this was, like, supposed to… this was gonna be…
Sequoia: This was gonna be something.
Kim: Yeah. This feels like the beginning of a romance novel.
Sequoia: Or a romcom.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: For sure!
Sequoia: It is. It’s extra, like, flash-flash-flash-flash. Like romcom-y.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Like a movie.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: For sure.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So yeah, I’m just not going to go through that Tonks part, but she’s there and she’s friends with Draco and it’s weird.
Kim: Weird. [Sequoia laughs] Bizarre.
Sequoia: Mmm, weird.
Kim: Does it say what her job is?
Sequoia: She’s an Auror.
Kim: Oh. Right.
Sequoia: ‘Cause...
Kim: We knew that.
Sequoia: We knew that.
Kim: Why isn’t she some weird LA job now?
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope, she just an Auror. Well, she doesn’t need to be in LA ‘cause he called her.
Kim: Why are they friends?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: [sighs] I’m so curious about what Harry and Ron’s jobs are in this bizarro world. And I feel like we’re not gonna get that information.
Sequoia: We’re not, ‘cause we’re almost done. [Kim groans] So, I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.
Kim: This wasn’t finished, was it?
Sequoia: Nope. [Kim sighs] I’m so sorry.
Kim: What are Harry and Ron’s jobs in this bizarro world? Somebody tell me. Make something up for me.
Sequoia: Hermione was moping.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Sorry, we did another passage of... we’re in a different place.
Kim: Of course we are.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hermione was moping. She stared sullenly at her cup of herbal tea.
Kim: Have they still not done the date? Are they bo…
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Are they both just really just stressed about this date that we’re never gonna get to hear about?
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Sorry not sorry. [sighs] She stared sullenly at her cup of herbal tea, and every now and again stirred it with a spoon. “Stop moping…” [Kim snorts and Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Hi Ginny.
Sequoia: ...Ginny ordered. [both continue laughing] We just like get another description of Ginny without asking for it.
Kim: Right here?
Sequoia: Yeah. Ginny Weasley was tall and slender and had the attitude of an Amazon Queen.
Kim: In case you’ve forgotten what Ginny’s deal is here.
Sequoia: Yeah, her business deal. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. “I don’t even know what you’re moping about. One of the hottest musicians of our age has asked you out to dinner and an interview with him could give you your dream job. Why are you so upset?”
Kim: Hermione is already on track to have her dream job.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She’s already done an interview with him that’s fine.
Sequoia: She does not need to do this.
Kim: Doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: “It’s Draco Malfoy,” Hermione pointed out.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: “Hey, here’s an idea…”
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: ...Ginny said, perking up.
Kim: Have his illegitimate love child and…
Both: ...get…
Sequoia: ...murdered. [both laugh]
Kim: This is great friend advice.
Sequoia: Nope. This... this is the… [laughs]
Kim: Wait, I’m really... I’m really identifying with Ginny today. This is the advice I give.
Sequoia: Are you ready for her idea?
Kim: [laughing] Oh no.
Sequoia: “Call Professor Snape.” [both burst out laughing]
Kim: Oh, wait, I’m not identifying with Ginny any more.
Sequoia: [laughs] Take it back!
Kim: You lost me.
Sequoia: I take it back. “What?” [Kim laughs] “No, seriously, I love phoning him. It’s like talking to Death’s secretary.” [both laugh]
Kim: What? Why does he have a phone? What is she calling him about?
Sequoia: [laughing] Why does he have a phone?
Kim: I’m so confu…
Sequoia: Just calling him to fucking chat about business.
Kim: Death’s secretary?
Sequoia: It’s like talking to Death’s secretary.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Hermione stared. “I’ll have to pass on that.”
Kim: [laughing] Yes.
Sequoia: “How’d you get his number, anyway?” Which is not the correct question. [Kim laughs throughout] The correct question is, why does he have a number? What’s happening?
Kim: Why does he have a number? How did Ginny get it? Why is she calling him? Why does she give the worst advice? [succumbs to laughter]
Sequoia: I don’t know. It’s either get murdered or call [laughing] Professor Snape, Death’s secretary.
Kim: Oh my God. You know, is she Awkwafina? From Crazy Rich Asians?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes. Absolutely. Bok bok, bitch. [both laugh] I love it.
Kim: Gotta have a crazy best friend character. Necessary.
Sequoia: Yeah, Ginny is pulling it off.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: She’s an Amazon… queen. [laughs]
Kim: Get murdered.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I know everyone’s number,” Ginny said primly. “I…”
Kim: For business.
Sequoia: [laughs] For business. “I could call Albus Dumbledore up right now and we could have tea.”
Kim: He does not have a phone either.
Sequoia: He’s dead. [laughs]
Kim: No, this is post book five. He’s not dead yet.
Sequoia: I know. I know. “Disturbing,” Hermione said. “Anyway. What am I going to wear?”
Kim: That was not advice. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It was great advice! Call Professor Snape, just chat with him. [Kim laughs and continues laughing] Have a good little chat. Ginny does it all the time. She loves it. [both laugh] Ugh, the dreaded clothing question. Hermione hated to say it. It made her sound like a squealing fifteen year old who just got asked out by the cutie who worked at the hot dog stand.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Ginny looked thoughtful.
Kim: Why is that an experience that... never mind. It doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: [laughing] You don’t think they got hot dogs in the wizarding world?
Kim: No! [Sequoia continues laughing] They do not! We would’ve heard Ron eating them.
Sequoia: Then how would you have a chili dog? [both laugh hard] That was a good call back.
Kim: You got me!
Sequoia: Good call back. Got ‘em!
Kim: Nice! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Ginny looked thoughtful. “I guess you can’t decide until you know where he’s taking you. Here, I have an idea.
Kim: Just dress in layers. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Dress for every possible date.
Sequoia: From... from coldest date to warmest date.
Kim: Uh huh. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That’s what I do every time I go on a date. [both continue laughing]
Kim: When was the last time you went on a date?
Sequoia: I was trying to formulate a joke about how I’ve never been on a date. [both laugh] I couldn’t do it in time. “Here, I have an idea. Let’s go out to dinner instead, just you and me. Girls’ night out.”
Kim: Instead of her going on a date with Draco, what?
Sequoia: No, instead of her deciding what to wear for her Draco date that’s not tonight, it’s a different night? I don’t know how time is working.
Kim: What? [laughs] How much…
Sequoia: It’s a long time…
Kim: How much time has passed?
Sequoia: Like, this is all same day. This is all same day.
Kim: Are they… wait, are they at Hermione’s apartment right now?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This is the meeting that Ginny was like, meet at your house.
Sequoia: BITCH, meet at your apart...! [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Great.
Sequoia: Good. “I have to work tomorrow.”
Kim: So?
Sequoia: No you don’t… [both laugh] Ginny will tell you when you work and when you don’t have to work.
Kim: [high pitched] What? What?
Sequoia: I don’t know, she’s a business advisor. [both laugh] Her advice is…
Kim: No you don’t!
Sequoia: ...you don’t have to work.
Kim: [laughs] Hermione is… lead editor. Of course she’s gotta work.
Sequoia: Yeah, but she’s not head editor.
Kim: Oh, okay. Right.
Sequoia: Well, maybe she doesn’t have to work. “Ginny,” Hermione protested. “No,” Ginny said, wagging her finger in front of Hermione’s nose. “Go put on something eye-catching. I’ll call the twins and Lavender and we can go dancing.” [both burst into laughter]
Kim: So fucking weird. I love it.
Sequoia: The twins and Lavender… which I assume are the Patil twins.
Kim: Oh! [laughing] I thought she meant Fred and George.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’ll call Fred and George and Lavender.
Kim: I don’t know, man. Anything could happen in this story!
Sequoia: Oh God. It could be. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just reading that incorrectly. It’s Fred and George.
Kim: No, it’s the [laughing] Patil twins.
Sequoia: It’s Fred and George.
Kim: Fine. It’s every twin.
Sequoia: [laughs] Every twin. The twins. All twins. [laughs] I like to go out dancing with Lavender and every twin. [laughs]
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: This is a stupid joke. A passage of time.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: While Hermione had declined an offer to phone her old teacher, it was the first thing Draco did when he got back to his beach house.
Kim: Death’s secretary? I need some help. [Sequoia laughs] Wait, Draco got back to his beachfront property?
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s why he was at Blaise’s.
Kim: Oh! ‘Cause they’re neighbors!
Sequoia: ‘Cause... Yeah. They both have beachfront properties.
Kim: Not just because Blaise has a nice house.
Sequoia: He just hangs out at Blaise’s nice house and he doesn’t have his own nice house. Listen, he’s a rock star!
Kim: His nice house isn’t by the beach! [Sequoia laughs] But it is. They’re neighbors. Okay, great. Reasonable.
Sequoia: They’re neighbors. He’s got his own beachfront property. Severus Snape had actually quit his job two years ago in a fit of what some may have referred to as a mental breakdown. [both burst in laughter]
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: But in reality, Severus, finally driven to his wits, left Hogwarts behind and drove into Muggle society and was…
Kim: No! No! No!
Sequoia: No, you don’t even know! You need to wait! You have to wait!
Kim: No!
Sequoia: He drove into Muggle society and was now working as a messenger between rival gangs, the mafia, and the black market. [pause] [both laugh and laugh and laugh]
Kim: I am so mad we’re getting so close to the end of this because what [Sequoia continues laughing] the fuck?! How do you find this shit?!
Sequoia: I… do my very best, my little best, okay? [laughs]
Kim: [high pitched] Jesus Christ. Oh my God.
Sequoia: But he was also a wealth of information, being an adult and therefore relatively logical. [Kim continues laughing] Draco found it incredibly comforting to be called an idiot by a man who was actually more clever than he was, and not just jealous of Draco’s wealth.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “You’re an idiot,” Severus was saying into his cell phone. [both laugh]
Kim: [quietly, high pitched] What’s happening?
Sequoia: Why do they all call? What is this?
Kim: I love this. This is so weird. [Sequoia laughs] This is so weird.
Sequoia: Oh man. Severus was saying into his cell phone. He was currently disabling a bomb in someone’s basement. [Kim incoherently mumbling] He had five minutes left, plenty of time. [laughs] Oh no. [laughing] Oh no, are you okay? Oh no, what did I do? Oh no. Oh no.
Kim: [high pitched and laughing] Disabling a bomb?
Sequoia: He was disabling a b... He’s a messenger between the gangs and the mafia and the black market.
Kim: Why is he just…? [continues laughing]
Sequoia: He’s gotta disable bombs, that’s part of the job.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It’s. Part. Of. The. Job.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Yes, I know,” Draco said. “So, after I take Granger out, and after several unsavory things happen...”
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia: “That was a bad mental picture.” “Then would you care to let it slip to my father?” [Kim snorts] “Draco, it’s really not in my best interest to piss off your father.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “I’ll pay you five hundred dollars.”
Kim: That’s not a lot of money. [both laugh]
Sequoia: One million copies, five hundred dollars… [both laugh] “But then again, you’re offering me five hundred dollars…
Kim: That’s not…
Sequoia: ...and I’m not above petty bribery.”
Kim: [laughing] Very petty.
Sequoia: Super petty. It’s like a… like the friend discount. Like the Death Eater... fellow Death Eater discount.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That you give. On the bribery.
Kim: Is Snape using magic to disarm the bomb?
Sequoia: No, he just doing it. [laughs] “Where are you taking her out anyway?” Carefully, skillfully, Severus snipped apart a pair of wires and reconnected them, keeping the cell phone pinned securely to his ear using his shoulder.
Kim: The same wires?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. It’s how you [laughing] disarm a bomb. You just take a couple of wires...
Kim: Cut them.
Sequoia: ...cut them in half, and then you stick ‘em together again. [Kim laughing] And then the bomb is done… for. No more bomb.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No more bomb. [laughs]
Kim: What? What? I’m so…
Sequoia: “I was thinking maybe that seafood place on the corner of 82nd Avenue.” “No,” [Kim laughs] Severus said immediately, disconnecting a few cables as he said it. Oh, he’s doing more stuff.
Kim: Oh, okay, great. Is he going to put ‘em back in too? [Sequoia laughs] Unplug some cables, put ‘em back in…
Sequoia: “Classy girl like Granger. I understand she’s working for a magazine company now? She’ll want something elegant, like the Red Fan.” “Hmm, yes…”
Kim: Which gangs does Severus work for again? The mafia…
Sequoia: The mafia… no, they’re... it’s like comma. Rival gangs comma the mafia comma and the black market.
Kim: Ohhh! So what the fuck is his job?
Sequoia: He is sort of like general… like...
Kim: Bad… guy.
Sequoia: Bad… guy for hire?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] So I don’t know why he’s disarming a bomb and not like…
Km: Arming a bomb.
Sequoia: Arming one. [laughs]
Kim: Well, it was placed by a rival gang.
Sequoia: Oh, right. And he was by the… by the rival’s rival rival’s...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...gang.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cool. [laughs] “Oh, wait. I’m not bothering you or interrupting anything, am I? because I’ll call back.” “Oh, you’re not interrupting anything, Draco,” [Kim laughs quietly] Severus said mildly.
Kim: Because I can use magic!
Sequoia: [laughs] You wanna know something?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [quietly laughing] That’s the end of the story.
Kim: What?! [Sequoia laughs] Oh man.
Sequoia: That’s it.
Kim: Ohhhh!
Sequoia: That’s all.
Kim: Dammit Sequoia. Why’d you do that again?
Sequoia: Because I like to.
Kim: I think this one was [tries to hold back laughter] even more insane than that other one.
Sequoia: Than Capture the Uncapturable?
Kim: I don’t know, maybe.
Sequoia: It was. Hermione did hit Ron with her car. Her, like, pink car.
Kim: In that one.
Sequoia: Or whatever in that one.
Kim: [laughs] This one, she just… she was kinda nothing in this one.
Sequoia: Ginny is the best part of this whole [laughing] goddamn fanfiction!
Kim: She really is. [both laugh]I don’t know, Snape’s pretty good too.
Sequoia: Snape was good. He’s like, [nasal voice] I’m deciding you’re an idiot. [Kim laughs] I’m disarming a bomb in a basement. [normal voice] I got that for you!
Kim: That was bizarre.
Sequoia: You’re welcome!
Kim: Thank you. I guess.
Sequoia: We should get through our things.
Kim: I… okay.
Sequoia: Because this is not long enough to be two episodes. It’s just one really long one.
Kim: Okay, here’s the thing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I got no points.
Sequoia: You got no points. We’re doing that now. We’re recapping at the end.
Kim: If we… we’re remembering to do that now.
Sequoia: To recap.
Kim: We do that sometimes.
Sequoia: We do that sometimes.
Kim: I got no points!
Sequoia: You got no points.
Kim: Now it’s time for my…
Both: Quick Fics!
Kim: So the story I have today is super short.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: In this story, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are having flying classes.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Ron and Harry do really well and then they go to watch Hermione [Sequoia laughs] take her turn.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And… they make fun of how bad at flying Hermione is?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And then Cho joins in? Cho Chang?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And makes fun at how bad Hermione is at flying with them.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, rude!
Kim: Cho yells, “Hey, Hermione! You suck! [Sequoia laughs] Get off the course!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s fucking rude.
Kim: And then Hermione falls off of her broom [Sequoia laughs] and dies.
Sequoia: [laughing hard] And dies?! [both continue to laugh] Listen, we got some Cho Chang in this episode. Look, she’s there!
Kim: And the last… the last bit says, Later that month in the Gryffindor common room, while the atmosphere was a lot happier than it had been before and things smelled better too, [both laugh] Ron and Harry’s marks had taken a smoking turn downward.
Sequoia: OH MY GOD.
Kim: [laughing] The end.
Sequoia: Hermione died and they got bad at school. [Kim laughs] Oh wow. Hot damn. Okay. Thank you for that quick fic? Question mark?
Kim: There you go! Hermione is bad at flying and then she died and Cho made fun of her.
Sequoia: [laughing] She died and Cho made fun of her. And then she died. Cool, that wasn’t dark, thanks. [laughs]
Kim: You’re welcome. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I have… a recommendation. Welcome to…
Both: ...the rec zone! Pew pew pewwww! Great. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Is that part of the intro? [Sequoia continues laughing] I feel like we hit that every time.
Sequoia: I think it is.
Kim: [laughs] ‘Kay, great.
Sequoia: In honor of Draco and in honor of Ginny, I am… [both laugh]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Separately, not as a pair.
Kim: Oh, okay. [laughs]
Sequoia: Please [inaudible] with me right now, this is a rec.
Kim: I never know with you.
Sequoia: Yeah, you don’t.
Kim: You’ve recced Dramione…
Sequoia: Twice.
Kim: ...twice.
Sequoia: [laughs] [deep voice] Twice. [normal voice] I’m recommending a story called Unnerved. And it’s a story where Draco sees the form of... or, Ginny sees the form of Draco’s boggart.
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia: And it’s interesting!
Kim: That sounds like a neat premise.
Sequoia: Yeah, so the link for that will be in the description.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: You can also find a full list of our recommendations on our website.
Kim: Website! [both laugh] Oh, right the website is fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our story submission form. We have had over eighty stories recommended to us over the life of this podcast and we are behind. But that’s fine! Keep sending them to us, please!
Kim: [laughing] Very behind.
Sequoia: Super behind. Also on the website, you will find a link to…
Kim: Merchandise.
Sequoia: ...our merchandise. Thank you very much. We have…
Kim: Some sweet posters!
Sequoia: Our posters are so good, guys, go look at them. They’re so lovely.
Kim: I do really like both of them.
Sequoia: I love the posters.
Kim: They’re both really good.
Sequoia: They are. There are several ways for you to support this podcast.
Kim: If you enjoy this podcast, you can support us by dropping us a review on iTunes or Facebook.
Sequoia: You’ll get a shout out… eventuallyyy! We’ll get to all of them, we will.
Kim: Sure, why not. Say that.
Sequoia: [ laughs] You can also support the podcast by supporting us on Patreon.
Kim: Yep! We’ve got tons of bonus content on there. I just released a couple of podfics and no one has told me how they feel about it.
Sequoia: So tell Kim how you feel about her podfics!
Kim: Should I do more?
Sequoia: Or… yes.
Kim: Not? [both laugh]
Sequoia: That’s the only correct answer. No.
Kim: Let us know! [Sequoia laughs] Please?
Sequoia: If you want to contact us, we are on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: You can also send us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: And don’t forget to tellllll your friends. About the podcast.
Kim: Yeah, it really is nice for us to grow.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: As big as the sun. [laughs]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Sequoia: BYE! [both laugh]
Kim: Bye! [both continue laughing]