Episode 40: The Arrow Mix Up
Recommendation: Crazy Superstitions
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3319254/1/Crazy-Superstitions
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Kim: So, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yes, that's me.
Kim: Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration.
Sequoia: [muttering] Oh fucking shit. [louder] Okay, yeah?
Kim: …says that you can't conjure food out of nothing.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: But... you can conjure animals out of nothing.
Sequoia: [silence] You can?
Kim: Like birds.
Sequoia: Oh, okay, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, okay.
Kim: You can summon birds from nothing.
Sequoia: Yes. Could you then kill the birds and eat the birds? Is that what you're saying?
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs] But that's not all I'm saying, because... Okay, so if you can't kill the birds and eat the birds, which is what Gamp's Law... Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration would imply, because they can't be food...
Sequoia: …Right.
Kim: Then what are those birds you're conjuring?
Sequoia: Sawdust.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Are they not actually birds? Are they, are they not... So they look like birds...?
Sequoia: I would think they look like birds, but they're not actually birds.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So these birds...
Sequoia: They're made out of sawdust.
Kim: So they're not real birds. And they can't poop.
Sequoia: [silence] [hesitantly] Correct...?
Kim: ‘Cause they wouldn't, like, be able to eat...
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: ...and make more stuff, ‘cause they're just, like, fantasms.
Sequoia: Right, exactly.
Kim: [in a serious tone] Which is why Hermione doesn't have them poop on Ron.
Sequoia: [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics And [quasi-Southern accent] Where to Find'em.
Kim: What.
Sequoia: No. I didn't like that.
Kim: Why did you do that?
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I don't know, I just do whatever strikes me at the moment.
Kim: [singing to a random tune] I thought we said we wouldn't do accents! [stops singing] Except for when I do accents.
Sequoia: We wouldn't do offensive Texan accents that we get called out on? Phew.
Kim: That wasn't a Texan... Okay. That wasn't a Texan accent. [Sequoia laughs] That was an impression of John Stewart [Sequoia laughs harder] doing an impression of George W Bush! [laughs] Wasn't meant to be offensive!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Woo! It's a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction!
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. So today I think we should jump right into our review [sing-songy] shout outs.
Kim: Because it's a review-a-palooza out there.
Sequoia: Oh! Man! [Kim laughs] Amazing! Well, a lot of people are listening to our podcast these days, which is very exciting, and we're loving all of these reviews that are rolling in. It's amazing!
Kim: Yeah! We've gotten some good ones.
Sequoia: Do you wanna start?
Kim: Sure! I'll start us off. Shout out to Kev Co 24 who titled their review...
Both: "Ginny, get back in your box"...
Kim: ...which is a reference to... [Sequoia laughs] [pause] [uncertainly] Sequoia's favorite episode?
Sequoia: [with conviction] My favorite episode, episode three! [laughs]
Kim: It was the least listened to episode for...
Both: ...so long!
Kim: No one—
Sequoia: And I don't know why!
Kim: It's so nice to hear that somebody else liked that joke. And that episode. [laughs]
Sequoia: Right? Oh, good. Thank you, Kev Co 24. Shout out to Anastasia, who left us a review on Facebook and is completely enthralled with this podcast. Thank you very much for your review.
Kim: Shout out to... Tricissy?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That's what that is.
Kim: Sure... Who is cringely waiting to see if we come across something of theirs, and I sincerely hope we do, and if we don't? Send us your old stuff!
Sequoia: Send it to us!
Kim: Send it to us.
Sequoia: Shout out to Theresa, who left us a Facebook review as well, who only listens to three podcasts. And we are one of them.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia: Yeeeah.
Kim: There are so many good podcasts out there. [laughs]
Sequoia: Right? I'm so... Thank you for making us one of your three podcasts, that's amazing.
Kim: But also, listen... there's some—
Sequoia: But there's also a lot of great podcasts, listen to all podcasts and also ours, mostly ours, and also other podcasts!
Kim: Love podcasts, man!
Sequoia: Me too.
Kim: Shout out to... Ala 94?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is that how you would say that?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sure, why not. This review mentioned that they've listened to the cold open from Capture the Uncapturable more than 30 times. So Sequoia and I went back and relistened to it.
Sequoia: Yeah, we were like, "Wait, what was that one?", and "Oh my god."
Kim: "Oh my god," I'd forgotten about that shit!
Sequoia: So fucking good, and I texted—
Kim: Let's talk about... Love Trains! [laughs]
Sequoia: Love Trains! I texted my sister and told her about this review, and she was like, "I knew that story would be something." [laughs]
Kim: It is... uh... wow!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Chloe.
Sequoia: Chloe did a great job, so...
Kim: Chloe. Chloe, thank you. Also, to this reviewer, I'm sorry that your life will never be fulfilling again.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, we apologize... But do we?
Both: Ummm...
Sequoia: Shout out to one of our listeners that we do a lot of correspondence with who we totally love, Jen, who left us a Facebook review as well.
Kim: Nice. Hi, Jen!
Sequoia: Hi, Jen! And said, "P.S. Make it to the end of the episode for the best segment: [singing thinly] Summaries!" [laughs]
Kim: Ooh, man!
Sequoia: Did that make you uncomfortable?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: We retitled it! It's not THAT anymore.
Sequoia: Not that anymore, but... [laughs]
Kim: I apologize to everyone who has had to listen to THAT.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: All right, shout out to Jkhgfdvj3457! You're amazing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to Hairy Otter 14... Get it? Get it?
Kim: [whispering] Jesus.
Sequoia: Get it.
Kim: [whispering] Jesus.
Sequoia: [laughs] They've been crying laughing all week. And they like that our reactions are the reactions that they would have.
Kim: Hashtag relatableeee!
Sequoia: Exactly! We are relatable! [laughs]
Kim: [quietly] No. [louder] No. Shout out to Jade Mozingo.
Sequoia: Mm hmm.
Kim: Yep. Who said that this reminds them of old discussion boards on Fiction Alley.
Sequoia: Fiction Alley!
Kim: That is a name I've not heard in a long time.
Sequoia: My dude! I love this review because I was like, "Oh, yes, this is what we were going for! Nostalgia!"
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: You get it!
Kim: Yes, exactly.
Sequoia: Shout out to Wozee the Reader. And it says, "Hey, man, I love y'all."
Kim: We...
Both: ...love you too!
Kim: Apologies for the Texan accent. [Sequoia laughs] Shout out to—
Sequoia: I keep giving you the weird, the, the ones... Nah, that's—
Both: ...Tia Katie G.
Kim: I can read that!
Sequoia: Yeah, no, that's fine.
Kim: That wasn't hard.
Sequoia: That wasn't hard.
Kim: That was not hard.
Sequoia: Sorry, Tia Katie G.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: It's so nice that you feel like we're your best friends, because you're also our best friend.
Sequoia: Hi, best friend!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Thanks to everyone who's leaving us reviews. We love them so much.
Kim: It's amazing, the feedback we're getting. The, like...
Sequoia: Interaction?
Kim: Interactions with the listeners we've been having... It's nice having people talking to us.
Sequoia: It's so fun, so keep talking to us, keep leaving us reviews, tweeting at us. Tweet at us! You know... the drill.
Kim: Yeah.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Cool. We read Harry Potter fanfiction on this podcast.
Kim: We do what?! Why would we do that?
Sequoia: I don't know, because it's amazing?!
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause we love it. And it's the best.
Sequoia: It's amazing.
Kim: And... [very quietly] it means a lot to me.
Sequoia: [slightly incredulous sounds]
Kim: [quietly] It does.
Sequoia: [surprised] Oh, man?
Kim: [as if explaining herself] I've been reading some good stuff recently.
Sequoia: ‘Cause it's just like...
Kim: I've read some fun stuff.
Sequoia: So have I! And here's the thing. So I was going on a search, out into the fanfiction universe, for my fic that I was gonna read you today.
Kim: M-hm.
Sequoia: And then I was, like, not coming up with anything, and I decided to go back to my list.
Kim: M-hm.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I've had, you know, we each have long lists that we keep going... of all these fanfictions that we've read. And I went back and I was like, "Oh, no, [Kim snorts] I have a bunch of straight up gold in this list!" [laughing] And I don't know why I was looking elsewhere! I've already found it! It's already here!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: But I just love reading fanfiction so much, you know, you just, [whispering] you can't stop.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: It becomes part of who you are! I love it when people talk to us and they're like, "Hey, so I..."
Kim: "...have never?"
Sequoia: "...used to..."
Kim: Oh, "Used to."
Sequoia: "...read fanfiction, and I haven't in a long time."
Kim: Sure! M-hm.
Sequoia: "And now I'm reading a ton of fanfiction again," and I'm like, "Yes!"
Kim: I also really like people who are like, "I've never read fanfiction before and now I am."
Sequoia: Yes! I love that too.
Kim: [enthusiastically] That is amazing because fanfiction is amazing!
Sequoia: It's amazing! I'm so... [emotionally] Ugh... Man.
Kim: [in a sing-song way] Everybody should read it cause it's greaaat!
Sequoia: [laughs] So I have a... I have a fanfiction for you today.
Kim: You have a fanfiction for me today?
Sequoia: I do. Because that's what we do on this podcast.
Kim: We already did that bit. [pauses] [whispering] Fuck.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: That's also what we do on this podcast!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! So I have a fanfiction for you today. You ready? Are you ready? You ready?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Great. It is called... and... Okay.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Listeners, tweet your predictions at us. At us, hashtag Fanfic Divination. ‘Kay?
Kim: We got some old ones recently, which means so much to me.
Sequoia: Oh, I love that so much.
Kim: Yes, I want the old ones.
Sequoia: And the new ones! Everybody, send in your predictions all the time to us. We love them. Also, I love when we get them, and I'm just like, "Man, this prediction is so good."
Kim: Fucking... Fucking I wish I'd thought of that.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Man, some people have some, like, really, like, useful predictions that I am stealing, also.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! I also... People tweet at us, and then I look at them and I'm like, "Wow, that's a really great prediction, I'm gonna use that again in the future... Oh. Oh! It's... straight out of my brain."
Kim: And then I usually, I don't use—I've forgot—I said that, and I was trying to think of some—trying to summon some of those that I was planning on stealing...
Sequoia: Nope. [Kim exhales audibly] I got nothing. [laughs] But we do love it, send us your predictions. [inhales] Okay. This story is called... The Arrow Mix Up.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: And it is... romance...
Kim: Is this a Valentine's Day fic?
Sequoia: ...slash humor.
Kim: [mumbling] [weakly] A Valentine's Day fic...?
Sequoia: [laughs] I mean, this episode is coming out—
Kim: We're not doing a Valentine's Day special this year because, uh, Colin's out of town or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, because Collin's not here with us...
Both: …we can't do a special episode without Colin!
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was... I don't know when we'd decided that, I guess it was right now, uhhh, so this will be our closest to Valentine's Day.... fanfiction.
Kim: [mumbling even more than before] Is it a Valentine's Day fanfiction...?
Sequoia: [in a deadpan manner] I don't know, is it?
Kim: You know what, I have Valentine's Day fanfictions that I was planning to... Damn it! [Sequoia laughs] Fucking shit!
Sequoia: [quickly] It's okay, you gotta, you just, you put those in your back pocket, you got it.
Kim: [doubtfully] M-hm.
Sequoia: It's romance / humor.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And this fanfiction came out after the release of the Order Of The Phoenix.
Kim: Nice. Post OOT... O... T, er...
Sequoia: [confidently] OOTP.
Kim: [audibly struggling] T... yh... P!
Sequoia: Wow...
Both: [laugh]
Kim: My second favorite era of fanfiction!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Great!
Kim: Stupid!
Sequoia: What do you got? What do you think? What are you thinkiiin'?
Kim: Nothing! I'm st—Okay! First prediction, I'm sticking with it. This is a Valentine's Day fanfic.
Sequoia: Okay. [hesitantly] Wh... Okay. Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: All right. Yeah.
Kim: It's Valentine's Day.
Sequoia: It's on Valentine's Day.
Kim: It's about Valentine's...
Sequoia: It's about Valentine's...
Both: …Day.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Kim: There is gonna be a made up spell in this, which is a prediction I'm stealing from a listener.
Sequoia: Ooh, nice. Yeah, that's a good one.
Kim: Made up spell. And... The pairing is going to... be... [Sequoia laughs] Bad thing to do. [Sequoia laughs again] Man. No, I'm gonna say that Neville is in the story.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Is that okay?
Sequoia: Yeah, that's fine.
Kim: Neville is there.
Both: Neville is...
Sequoia: …there.
Kim: Present.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, sure. Okay. You can do that, I guess.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: When is Neville ever present?
Sequoia: Listen, I'm only saying that because that's what you say to at least one of my predictions every time I make predictions. You're like, [nasally, mocking] "Oh, uh, ugh, hmm, well, hm, ugh, I guess..."
Kim: Oh, "You can say that..."
Sequoia: "...that's fine." [Kim laughs] So I just did it.
Kim: Last time I was even like, [breathy, pretentious] "We'll have to talk about that."
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs] Fucking rude.
Kim: [as if it was obvious] Yeah!
Sequoia: Okay. [clears throat] Scene one.
Kim: "Scene one?" Does it say that?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Ow.
Sequoia: But this takes place... Somewhere.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Somewhere. Is the first... the first, the first.
Kim: Oh, oh, so it says that.
Sequoia: It says: Somewhere. Colon.
Kim: So, like, like in a movie?
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Flashes across the screen in the bottom corner.
Sequoia: Somewhere. Violet eyes snapped open. "Shit!"
Kim: Violet eyes? Is this an OC? OCs always have violet eyes.
Sequoia: [laughs] I did not know, I had not picked up on that one. I don't think I'd ever picked up on that one.
Kim: Original characters... What character—no characters have violet eyes.
Sequoia: Right. But this one...
Kim: Is it Blaise???
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: What if I just... I almost named my car Blaise! Almost.
Kim: [sighs] I kind of wish you had... But I think, I think, did you...? We can talk about that?
Sequoia: We can talk about that.
Kim: Sequoia got a new car to replace the car she smashed.
Sequoia: On my way to Pod Con, yep. And I got a new car, and I posted on Instagram and Twitter, and you guys helped me name the car.
Kim: M-hm.
Sequoia: The overwhelming response was Nymphadora.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So she's Nymphadora the Cornish Pixie.
Kim: [hesitating] Sure.
Sequoia: And her... She's Dora. For short.
Kim: Okay. I love it.
Sequoia: So there you go. But I almost named her Blaise. Because... because...
Kim: Look at you.
Sequoia: Look at me! [laughs]
Kim: If it was a green car...
Sequoia: If it was a green car, abso-fucking-lutely that's what the name would... I wouldn't have asked. No one would have been consulted.
Kim: But it's not a green car.
Sequoia: It's not a green car, it's a blue car. So there you go. All right!
Kim: That was a good... tangent.
Sequoia: [laughs] That was a good... It's a... Okay. I'm starting over.
Kim: Violet eyes!
Sequoia: Violet eyes snapped open.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: "Shit!" This was so not fair.
Kim: [laughs] Waking up?
Sequoia: She squeezed her eyes...
Kim: That's what I think every morning, actually.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah!
Kim: "Fuck!"
Sequoia: "God, this is not fair!"
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I love it. She squeezed her eyes shut in the hope that it would somehow shut them out.
Kim: "Them"?
Sequoia: Nope. No such luck.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: "Oh, for the love of the Greater Gods!"
Kim: [mumbling, almost indistinctly] Who are the Greater Gods, em, yhm... [clearer] Doesn't matter. [Sequoia laughs] Nevermind, sorry.
Sequoia: [laughs] You didn't even say words, you went, [mimics Kim's mumbling] and then... gave me a thumbs up? I don't even know what you were trying to... [laughs] Great.
Kim: [laughs] Doesn't matter.
Sequoia: She swung her legs off the bed and glared. At no one in particular.
Kim: Wouldn't... Nevermind.
Sequoia: [angrily] "Those two need to shut up, and get over it!"
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: She grumbled, and snapped her fingers. And suddenly she was gone from the room.
Kim: What the fuck is happening? [Sequoia laughs] It was that simple? Wandless magic?
Sequoia: [singing to no particular tune] I'm so excited, na na na na, I'm so excited!
Kim: This is a hundred percent an original character. Violet eyes, some weird, wandless magic...
Sequoia: We're gonna have to talk about... Okay. No. We'll... we'll get there! We'll get there! [laughs] ‘Kay. So you know how that took place "somewhere"?
Kim: Riiight?
Sequoia: We're now moving locale.
Kim: Are we gonna be in a more specific—like: "somewhere else."
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: "Another place."
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Well, she snapped her fingers, so she's gone from the room. So we're following her.
Kim: Oh, we're following her?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Scene two: Hogwarts.
Kim: Oh, she wasn't in Hogwarts?
Sequoia: She was not in Hogwarts. "Git!" "Ponce!" "Oh, yeah? Like I spend hours in front of the mirror working on my hair, and flip a shit whenever I have a split end?" "No, that's right. You don't give a crap about how you look. Which explains why you dress in Muggle clothes that are three times your size."
Kim: What the fuck is happening?
Sequoia: "Wanker!" "Tosser!" "Bint!" "Arse!"
Kim: I like... "bint."
Sequoia: I don't know what that is! That's a British-ism that I don't know.
Kim: Yeah...
Sequoia: Tweet at us.
Kim: I like the way the word sounds.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. Where was I?
Kim: Doesn't matter.
Sequoia: Screaming, screaming, screaming...
Kim: "Bint!"
Sequoia: "Arse!" "Ten—" [shouting] "Will you DESIST?!"
Kim: What the fuck is happening?! Was that all one person, or was that...
Sequoia: That was two people!
Kim: Okay, I couldn't tell.
Sequoia: I was doing two voices!
Kim: [skeptically] Were you?
Sequoia: I was trying.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Okay. So two people arguing about someone spending a lot of time...
Sequoia: On their hair.
Kim: On their hair... And the other person doesn't dress well? Is that...?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: One of them flips a shit when they have a split end...
Kim: [quietly] Is that Draco?
Sequoia: ...and one of them dresses in Muggle clothes that are three times their size.
Kim: Is that Harry?
Sequoia: Yes! [laughs]
Kim: Who flips their shit when they have a split end?
Sequoia: Draco!
Kim: Oh, okay, so it is Draco and Harry fighting.
Sequoia: Yes! [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Okay! Okay. The picture's coming to-ge-ther! Wasn't before!
Sequoia: "Will you DESIST?!" boomed a female voice from nowhere.
Kim: From no— [laughs] I thought she was "somewhere".
Sequoia: She was somewhere... And then she was nowhere...
Kim: Now she's nowhere.
Sequoia: And then I think she's... [Kim laughs] Then suddenly... she's about to become at Hogwarts.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But her voice came from nowhere.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [starts calmly, then gradually fighting with laughter] Suddenly, a woman with long black hair, violet eyes, and a lilac Greek style toga appeared.
Kim: Is she not an original character, and she's actually, like, fucking Aphrodite?
Sequoia: [laughs] She's not Aphrodite, but you are on the right track!
Kim: [intrigued] Ooo!
Sequoia: She's wearing a lilac, Greek style toga to highlight her eyes!
Kim: That doesn't help me.
Sequoia: No it doesn't. It wasn't supposed to help you.
Kim: Oh! That wasn't supposed to help me, that's just how she looks. Fine.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: That was nothing.
Kim: There was a significant glance you just gave me!
Sequoia: [laughs] "Bloody hell," four voices said at the same time.
Kim: Okay, now there's four people? Nevermind.
Sequoia: Six sets of eyes widened.
Kim: How many people are here?! [laughs]
Sequoia: It is... unclear! [laughs]
Kim: This is a... six?
Sequoia: I think it's six.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Wait. [pauses] Yeah, it's six.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Six sets of eyes widened and just stared at the woman as if she had four heads. I feel like it's not that unusual for people to just, like, appear and disappear. In the wizarding world. Where—
Kim: Not at Hog— [agitated] You can't apparate [Sequoia groans] or disapparate [Sequoia groans again] inside the walls [Sequoia's groans become mocking] of Hogwarts!!! [one more groan] ...Ron!!!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Fucking fine!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Also, though, it's probably the Greek style toga. [pauses] That they're staring weirdly at. I would think.
Kim: I think the whole thing is a little odd.
Sequoia: [laughs] It's the violet eyes. "Now that you've decided to listen to me, I'm going to ask you two," she pointed to the infamous blonde and black haired 17 year olds: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter...
Kim: Good.
Sequoia …"If you would now cease this rather ridiculous banter and on with each other, I'd be very much obliged."
Kim: [chuckles in confusion] "Just get to the fucking!" [Sequoia laughs] You know what, I never really have that feeling when I'm reading fanfic. I want more banter! [Sequoia laughs] The same amount of fucking, but more banter!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, sure, that checks out.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: At their blank stares of incomprehension, she sighed noisily and sunk her head towards her crossed arms, and brought a hand up to cover her face. "Oh, dear."
Kim: It was a really complicated explanation for: "She facepalmed."
Sequoia: Yeah! Facepalm!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Maybe that wasn't a thing back th—was that not a thing...? [laughs]
Sequoia: Maybe? Yes? No. I don't know. 2005? [laughs]
Kim: It doesn't matter.
Sequoia: [sighing] "Oh, dear. [tired and exasperated] This is going to take a while... And use time that I just really don't have."
Kim: She's a Goddess, why does she...? Never mind.
Sequoia: She doesn't have the time for Harry and Draco's bullshit!
Kim: But that's the best part!
Sequoia: Like, don't you know? [pauses] Oh, man... [sighs] This... I forgot how many characters are in this.
Kim: [triumphantly] Ha!
Sequoia: Okay. [clears throat]
Kim: Do more voices!
Sequoia: Noo, I'm so bad at voices! "I say, my dear, what's brought you down here this time?"
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: There came several gasps...
Kim: [gasps]
Sequoia: ...and strangled noises...
Kims [a strangled noise]
Sequoia: ...from the— [laughs]
Kim: I'm helping!
Sequoia: Man, you're back on your Foley work, I love it! [laughs] I am a fan. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] The only one.
Sequoia: She opened her eyes to see a rather handsome, curly blond haired man's face upside down.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Who was sitting cross-legged in midair.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: This is, like, curly haired bro just showed up. He's cross-legged, he's upside down, he's floating in the air, cross-legged... Upside down. He has curly hair. [laughs]
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] Is it another... Being?
Sequoia: It's another... Deity of some kind.
Kim: Okay, okay, okay. It's not a Harry Potter character that I should know. Great.
Sequoia: But it explains the several gasps and strangled noises.
Kim: Oh, okay, yeah, yeah-yeah.
Sequoia: Because the curly haired man is upside down, cross-legged.
Kim: Terrifying!
Sequoia: He's just...
Kim: I'm terrified of curly haired people.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: It's why there's no mirrors in your home?
Kim: No, that's another reason.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Checks out. "You! This!" She pointed to the two boys. [angrily] "This is all your fault! I can't get my work done because you decided that they would be the most important couple in the heavens!"
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Drarry! Most important couple! In! The! Heavens!
Kim: [laughs] I don't even know what to say to that!
Sequoia: You guys! [laughs] You don't have to say anything cause it's true! [laughs] "Oh, Cupid! I can't get anything done without some sort of dribble from their childish emotions and confused ideals!"
Kim: That's! The! Best! Part! [Sequoia laughs] God!
Sequoia: You don't know, lady! But we've just identified Cupid.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: He's Valentine's Day-y, right?
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia laughs] Yes, he is.
Sequoia: Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: Coming back.
Sequoia: Bringing it back. Her finger was still pointed at the two boys and was beginning to shake. Draco and Harry were stunned and immobile.
Kim: By magic?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: They were just like, "What the fuck's going on, man?" [laughs]
Kim: Just surprised? Oh, okay. [sighs]
Sequoia: "Now, Morphiana, dearest..." So, I'm thinking this is like an OC, like—
Kim: Greek...
Sequoia: …Greek...
Both: …Goddess?
Kim: Interest... Why—
Sequoia: They tell us later what this person's Goddess thing is.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Like, what their, what their dealio is.
Kim: Th—This is not, as far as I know...
Sequoia: Oh, an actual Greek Goddess?
Kim: Doesn't look like it.
Sequoia: No. But you got Cupid in there.
Kim: Cupid is there.
Sequoia: Cupid's there. Valentine's.
Kim: Present!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: "Oh, don't you 'dearest' me, Cupid. I'm in no mood! For the past two years, in increasingly frequent periods, I've had these two and their emotions mixing up in my dreams! And. I. Can't. [through clenched teeth] Take it anymore!"
Kim: [snorts] Fine.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: I don't, ugh... I assume this is gonna make sense once we find out what her deal is.
Sequoia: Yes, it is.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, we'll get there.
Kim: M’kay.
Sequoia: One of the two—
Kim: Two years, what year is this supposed to be for them? Did they just say they were 17?
Sequoia: They said they were 17.
Kim: So it's been happening since fifth year?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [amused] This came out...?
Sequoia: [amused] This came out... Yeah.
Kim: [still amused] After?
Sequoia: [still amused] Aha?
Kim: So they're saying that book five was some sick bants?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: They were like, "Where could this possibly, where could we possibly take this?" [Kim laughs] One of the two girls who had been standing there, stepped up. [high-pitched voice] "Um. Excuse me? I don't mean to be rude and interrupt, but..." The two people turn to look at her. People? They're...
Both: …Gods!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] The two Gods turn to look at her. The woman, Morphiana, her face softened as she smiled.
Kim: Unless they're saying that they're just like really powerful wizards that *were* people and have ascended to godhood...
Sequoia: Holy shit! [laughs]
Kim: You never know!
Sequoia: You never know! We've created a whole new backstory to this fanfiction.
Kim: [whispering] It's there in the text!
Sequoia: She smiled. "Yes, Hermione, dear?" If Hermione thought the woman knowing her name was odd, then she didn't show it.
Kim: I mean, they're clearly extra powerful beings that, for reasons unknown, know everything about them.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia: There's already been enough craziness that Hermione's just like, "Hm, yes, this just happening now."
Kim: "This is fine. Everything's fine, you know my name. Great."
Sequoia: You know my name, this is great. "You are Morphiana, the Goddess of Dreams? Twin to Morpheus, the Goddess of Nightmares? And he," she gestured to the man who was sitting upside down in the air, "is Cupid?"
Kim: I mean, yes, that's exactly—
Sequoia: Good job.
Kim: That's literally what you were—You just summarized... Fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] She needed to tell us that Morphiana was the Goddess of Dreams, I think. Cupid smiled and spun around, so he was right side up, and then put his feet on the ground. "Yes, dear. We are." Hermione's mouth formed an 'oh'. Before she could start in on her questions that were quite obviously bubbling beneath her skin...
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …Professor Dumbledore walked in on the scene.
Kim: Oh, what? Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Fine. [high-pitched, wavery voice] "Here I am, here to help!"
Sequoia: [high-pitched, wavery voice] "Dumbledore!"
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Hermione clearly has 8000 questions.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: They all need to be answered now.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Her first questions were bad. She started off with... some dumb questions. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. No. It wasn't quite where you... I mean, she was, like, trying to, like, catch up, like... ‘cause this stuff's been so weird...
Sequoia: Okay, so here's what's going on, Harry and Draco can't move. Or speak.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: "Well, it's nice to see that for once, the portraits didn't lie." Portraits are like, immediately, they're running around the castle.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: They're like, "Fucking, you guys!" [laughs]
Kim: What portraits are lying to Dumbledore, though?
Sequoia: [laughs] The Fat Lady.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sir Cadogan, maybe?
Sequoia: Sir Cadogan! [laughs]
Kim: He's not much of a—He's not a liar, though. He just kind of exaggerates.
Sequoia: Yeah, as, I mean—
Kim: [shouting] Who's lying to Dumbledore? I'm upset!
Sequoia: [laughs] What's the... [pauses] I don't know, maybe one of the previous headmasters...
Kim: Hmm, that one, erm...
Sequoia: Filius Nigelius [sic!] Black is just fucking with him.
Kim: *That* motherfucker!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: He's just like, pranking Dumbledore? I wanna read *that* story, wait a second!
Sequoia: [laughs] At this point, you're like, "Dumbledore, why do you ever go where the portraits tell you to go, then?"
Kim: If they're lying to you all the time? [laughs]
Sequoia: They're, like, constantly lying to you.
Kim: [laughs] It's a weird line.
Sequoia: Oh, I love it. [pauses] This is: waltzes in, "Well, it's nice to see." [laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Morphiana and Cupid grinned. [cordially] "Dumbledore!" They sat together... [breaks down laughing] [laughing] Dumbledore's just like fucking bros with Cupid! [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Checks out!
Sequoia: BFF!
Kim: [increasingly more quiet until it's a maniacal whisper] Checks... Checks... Checks... Checks out...
Sequoia: This goes really well with our theory that Dumbledore is, like, really invested in the children's love lives.
Kim: [whispering] Checks out.
Sequoia: He's constantly, like, sending Cupid to be like, [no nonsense tone] "Listen. I really think that Ernie Macmillan and Justin Finch-Fletchley deserve each other and need to be together. And Imma need you to go make that happen."
Kim: Make that happen. Make it happen, make that, yeah.
Sequoia: O-verly in-ves-ted. Morphiana continued, "I must apologize for simply bursting in here and yelling at your students."
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: She couldn't sleep. [laughs] That's fine... [laughs]
Kim: I, hm, eh, I'm... I'm still confused about what her deal is.
Sequoia: Hold for the text!!!
Kim: Oh my god!!! I thought the, the, "she's the Goddess of Dreams" was the explanation!
Sequoia: Nope, there's more explanation!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: "Oh, well, it's quite alright, dear. I'm sure they deserved it for whatever they did," he chuckled. [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs] Putting a hand over her mouth, she tried to hide the giggle that threatened to escape. "Actually, my old friend, it is fully and truly Cupid's fault. He shot the wrong arrow."
Kim: Oh, instead of the Don't Bother With The Bants Just Fuck arrow.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] There's... Every arrow has a certain amount of bants—
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: ...and a certain amount of fucks—
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: ...and they really vary.
Kim: Uh-huh. [laughs]
Sequoia: And if you pick up the wrong arrow...
Kim: They'll just banter forever.
Sequoia: It could be 20 years of banting before they, before they get to the fucking, so.
Kim: [laughs] Nobody wants that.
Sequoia: [laughing] Nobody wants that! Oh, man. She glared at the God that stood next to her, and he glared right back. Cupid's kind of an asshole. [laughs]
Kim: That's, that checks out, though.
Sequoia: Yeah. "Ah, I see. So you are who we have to thank for the interesting past seven years that we've had with these two." At this point Harry jumped in. Harry's finally like, "Wait, what the, heyyyy?"
Kim: "Whoooooooooah."
Sequoia: [laughing] "Hold up!"
Kim: "Do I not have free will?" [Sequoia laughs] Curmudgeon.
Sequoia: Yeah! He's like, "Not only do I have to be the chosen one..." [laughs]
Kim: "I have to kiss *that*, and it's not even really my choice?"
Sequoia: No, it's not!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: "Wait. What do you mean, ‘he shot the wrong arrow’? And you two can't be Gods!"
Kim: Why not... Neverm— [sighs]
Sequoia: They just appeared, that guy was floating upside down, man.
Kim: Harry.
Sequoia: He could be anything.
Kim: Put the pieces together, little buddy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope. Not possible. Morphiana and Cupid exchanged confused glances. "Really? Why not?" They looked over each other, going over each other's powers and clothing.
Kim: [laughing] Why are they seriously considering...?
Sequoia: They're like, "Wait a second!"
Kim: "Wait! Maybe we're not Gods!"
Sequoia: [laughing] "I thought I was...! And this whole time! I got the bants and the fucking arrows!"
Kim: [laughing] "I've never thought about this before! Maybe we're not!"
Sequoia: "What if we're not Gods?" Story takes a whole turn. [Kim laughs] "Because it's not possible," Draco said.
Kim: Yeah, we've already met a God, and she was the Goddess of Milk!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: She never mentioned that Greek Gods were real!
Sequoia: No! And she told us everything! [Kim laughs] She had many lines!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: This is, this is where it gets...
Kim: Sorry, I apologize.
Sequoia: …also... kind of weird. Whatever. It's fine. "Because it's not possible," Draco said, finally jumping out of his stupor. I like to imagine him as he was standing there and he just…
Both: ...jumps! [laugh]
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia: [with emphasis] "Because it's not pooossibleee!" "The Gods left the Earth centuries ago."
Kim: Oh, what? [snorts]
Sequoia: Yeah! Fucking clearly. [laughs]
Kim: It's not that the Gods never existed—
Sequoia: No! They left the Earth centuries ago. They're not there anymore. They can't come back.
Kim: Great. Just... Great.
Sequoia: Morphiana waved her hand. "Oh, psh! Just because you all stopped looking for us, doesn't mean we're not there. We are forever bound with you. It is part of our being and our job in the universe."
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: "Now, speaking of jobs, onto Harry's first question. Cupid, dear heart, would you like to explain it to them?" She snickered as Cupid blushed and scratched the back of his head and gave a nervous laugh.
Kim: So it was actually a fucking mistake.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, it's his fucking fault!
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: "Yes, well... It was an accident, you see. I was supposed to give you two a Like To Love arrow, and someone else was supposed to get the Hate To Love arrow..."
Kim: [quietly] Hoo. I need to know how.
Sequoia: I need to know.
Kim: [quietly] I need to know how.
Sequoia: Tweet at us. [laughs] "But... I pulled out the wrong arrow and gave you two the Hate To Love one. You two are fairly important in my mother's grand scheme of love, so she was slightly angry at me." Harry and Draco are very important.
Kim: In the grand scheme of love.
Sequoia: [grandly] In the grand scheme of love. [laughs]
Kim: Who was supposed to get the...? [laughs] I need to know! Also, Harry and Draco were never gonna like each other!
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope. It's fine.
Kim: That was the only arrow that would have worked!
Sequoia: "Don't you dare bring me into this, Cupid, I'll not have it!"
Kim: That his mama?
Sequoia: A beautiful voice said around them.
Kim: [snickers] Why are they.... Why is everyone so invested in this?
Sequoia: [laughs] Cause it's Drarry, and Drarry is life! [laughs]
Kim: Shit, dude!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Nobody materialized. Morphiana and Cupid—
Kim: Well, driven them mad!
Sequoia: Yeah. Listen, there really can't be three Gods here! Morphiana and Cupid both paled and looked at each other. "Are they... Watching us?"
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...the Goddess whispered. Cupid shrugged.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: No, clearly! They're clearly watching you!
Kim: These guys are, like, fucking it up.
Sequoia: [laughing] They're fucking it up so bad!
Kim: Like it, I like it.
Sequoia: I had one arrow, and then I, but I had two arrows... Very complicated...
Kim: Now we're gonna come tell you about it...
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, I don't think that helps the Hate To Love go quicker.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I don't think that that's how that works.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Harry and Draco stared at each other. And continued to stare at each other, not knowing what to say. Morphiana looked at the two, and everyone else was staring at her.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: It was Hermione who broke the silence by saying, "Ma'am? You still never told us exactly why you're here." I think it's pretty clear why she's there.
Kim: Ehmmm, cause they're bothering her dreams.
Sequoia: And she's mad, so she's trying to speed it up to the fucking.
Kim: Right.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I think we got that.
Kim: Yeah, right. We got that.
Sequoia: "Huh? Oh, yes, well, as the Goddess of Dreams, I rely on the feelings, emotions, wants and needs of the people. However, if one God or another decides that one person's – or one couple's – wants and needs are more important than anyone or anything else," she slit her eyes at Cupid, who waved it off, "in my vision of the Earth, and her peoples becomes clouded and I'm stuck with a huge amount of emotions, wants and needs from one set of people. Now, in their case," she gestured at Harry and Draco, who were still standing there staring at each other, "two Gods want this match to occur, so that almost completely focuses all of my powers on them."
Kim: [confused] Eyyy...
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: Fine, I'm taking it. Let's go.
Sequoia: "But anyway, since these two are the only thing I have to go on, I broadcast dreams of... a certain... nature."
Kim: Has she been giving the entire world Drarry dreams?
Sequoia: Yes. [laughs]
Kim: I don't know if that's great or terrible! [Sequoia is laughing] Both?
Sequoia: Yeah. I'll go with both, too. [laughs] Just, like, Hermione is like, "Oh!" [laughs]
Kim: "That's why!" [Sequoia laughs] "Every night! The past seven years!"
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my go-ha-ha-d!
Kim: "All of my dreams!" [snickers]
Sequoia: "The point is, that until these two get over their hate and start snogging, I can't do my job."
Kim: [laughs] Sounds like you're doing your job...
Sequoia: Yeah. You're, you're completing the job...
Kim: It's just that the job is driving everyone mad.
Sequoia: Everyone's just like, "Why?" [laughs]
Kim: "Why won't the dreams stop?" [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Dumbledore chuckled and smiled. "Ms. Granger, Ms. Parkinson, if you would be so kind as to oblige our guest here? I'm sure we'll spend the rest of the year putting up with these two, having lovers' spats instead of this great blowout that made all of this occur to begin with."
Kim: I'm confused about what is happening.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's confusing. Hermione and Pansy gave each other confused looks...
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: ...and then looked at the headmaster for clarification. "The arrows tend to be a slight push in that direction. But in some cases, where the two involved are extremely stubborn, an extra push is needed." Cupid winked.
Kim: Oh, he wants, he wants... [laughs] Jesus Christ, okay, continue.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Both girls faltered at the wink before they understood what they were meant to do. They smiled at each other and went behind their friends...
Kim: They smiled at each other?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: [quietly] What?
Sequoia: …and gave them a rather sharp push towards each other.
Kim: Hmm. Okay.
Sequoia: Harry and Draco gave an outraged shout and held their arms out for balance, [Kim laughs] but they collided into each other. Fortunately for the group, their lips landed on each other.
Both: [laugh for the long time]
Sequoia: And they began to snog like they'd never done before.
Kim: [incredulously] What the fuck! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing and shouting] And just...! Now they're making out!
Both: [laugh and shout hysterically for some time]
Kim: [whining] Nooooo!
Sequoia: Hermione and Pansy are like, "Oh yeah. I'll do it. We just push them towards each other."
Kim: "Anything to get rid of those fucking dreams!"
Sequoia: [laughs] "This is how I get rid of the dreams?"
Kim: Harry and Draco fall tongues first. [Sequoia laughs] [pause] Screaming. "Aeeeergh!"
Sequoia: "Aeeergh!" [laughs] Oh, no. Morphiana clapped her hands and smiled. Cupid was once again in the air with his legs crossed and grinning. Dumbledore chuckled.
Kim: "He he he he he."
Sequoia: This is good. Keep it up. Hermione and Pansy sighed. [pauses]
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Do the thing!
Kim: [sighs]
Sequoia: No, that's not the right sigh.
Kim: [happily] Yeah, it's the one you're getting.
Sequoia: Fine. [laughs] And Ron and Blaise... gagged. [laughs]
Kim: God!
Sequoia: [laughing] Ron and Blaise were just there the whole time!!!
Kim: [incredulously] What???
Sequoia: [still laughing] They were just... They were just there, also!
Kim: [whispering] God... [normally] Ron would never stay quiet this long!
Sequoia: No. No! [laughs]
Kim: Ever!!!
Sequoia: He's not even vomiting or anything! [Kim laughs] Although I guess this explained Ron's dreams as well.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, poor Blaise, didn't get to talk the whole time.
Kim: Blaise is there, though.
Sequoia: About 5 minutes later, the two enemies showed no signs of stopping any time soon...
Kim: Wooow!
Sequoia …and the group was beginning to get uncomfortable. [laughs]
Kim: It took them 5 minutes? I feel like I couldn't watch people kiss for, like, 2 seconds—
Sequoia: 2 seconds!
Kim: …before I'm uncomfortable. [Sequoia laughs] 5 minutes.
Sequoia: Ooookay... I wait tables and people make out in the booths a lot.
Kim: [a distressed noise]
Sequoia: ‘Cause it's such a romantic restaurant.... And then I arrive... [Kim snorts] It's not fun.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] It's very awkward! Even... one second. I'm going down to one. Dumbledore coughed and looked at the two Gods. "Um, if it's at all possible, if one of you could..."
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: "...send them somewhere private?"
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: "Of course. Where do you want them?" Morphiana asked with a smile.
Kim: You know... just anywhere but here...
Sequoia: Fucking anywhere else! [laughs] I had too many dreams about this!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Put them in...
Sequoia: I suppose one of the rooms in the Astronomy Tower?
Kim: The lake!
Sequoia: [laughing] Or in the lake!
Kim: The fucking Astronomy Tower? [laughs] You mean makeout point!
Sequoia: You mean, yeah! [laughs] Clearly. The Goddess smiled and nodded, and then snapped her fingers, and the two boys disappeared. "Okay, then," Morphiana took a deep breath. "And thank the Greater Gods, I can see again! I owe you all a really fantastic dreams. Tonight: anything you want, you got it."
Kim: [sing-songs] I know what Ron waaaants!
Sequoia: [laughing] He's sad the original dreams went away!
Kim: This is... That... That story that I write is the sequel to this story!
Sequoia: Oh my god! He gets the Goddess of Milk!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Holy shit!
Kim: Gonna get them milk dreams!
Sequoia: Mmmm, milk dreams. [laughs] Several years later.
Kim: Oh. I love... Yes. [laughs] Thank you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry and Draco were sitting on the couch in their London flat, watching a movie on the telly.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Draco had his head on Harry's shoulder, and Harry was playing with the long silver strands of hair.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: "Hey, Dray?"
Kim: No.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] That was painful to say out loud!
Kim: Absolutely not. Fuck you.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: I don't think I've come across that before. [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm, I'm sure I have. It's... That upsets me.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: "You know, I don't think we ever thanked her." "Thanked who? "Morphiana."
Kim: "We need to do a blood sacrifice!" [Sequoia laughs] That's what them Greek Gods like, Sequoia!
Sequoia: [laughing] It is?
Kim: I assume... [mumbles]
Sequoia: Who'd they sacrifice, though? [silence] Neville. All of a sudden, Neville's in the story! [laughs] He is dead!
Kim: Oh boy, time for Neville! [laughing] Blood sacrifice! [Sequoia laughs] Continue.
Sequoia: "Morphiana." "Oh, I'm sure she knows, love." "You think?" A soft voice floated over—
Kim: "Everyone's seen us doing it!"
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: EVERYONE knows.
Sequoia: Nearly EVERYONE!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: A soft voice floated over the room. "Yes, Harry. I know."
Kim: Fucking weird.
Sequoia: A pause. "You know, you guys have some very kinky dreams," the voice said in a very amused tone.
Kim: [clearly uncomfortable] Isn't she the one that gives them the dreams?
Sequoia: Harry and Draco looked at each other and grinned. "We like to keep you on your toes," Draco said.
Kim: [mumbling uncomfortably] Isn't she the one that gives them the dreams???
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. But it's based on... [pauses] I don't know. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Ugh.
Sequoia: A silver peal of laughter rang through the room and the two lovers smiled happily.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: The end. I got that for you! [laughs]
Kim: Whoo! That was some great shit. Thank you!
Sequoia: You're welcome.
Kim: Did I get a point?
Sequoia: For... Valentines?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Hmmm... I don't know. [a long pause] Sh-should we ask? Should we do a poll?
Kim: We could do a poll.
Sequoia Let's do a poll.
Kim: Okay. We'll do a poll.
Sequoia: Yeah. We're gonna check Twitter. We'll do a poll. Because I don't know. We'll see. We'll see.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: We'll see.
Kim: A'right. Fair's fair.
Sequoia: 'Kay. [sighs] Thanks for—
Kim: That was funny! That was really funny. [laughs] I enjoyed that.
Sequoia: [laughing] …listening to that story. That I found. Um... Everyone's obsession with Drarry is now explained.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: You don't have... There's no more questions.
Kim: It's not your fault.
Sequoia: [laughs] It's not your fault. It's Cupid's fault. Fuck that guy.
Kim: [laughs] Excellent. [a pause] All right, Sequoia. Are you ready for some...
Both: …Quick Fics!
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it.
Kim: Aright, I've got one for you today.
Sequoia: 'Kay.
Kim: This is one of those ones where... I didn't really, like, *like* the story, but it's got one of those, like, one beautiful crystalline shining moments in it...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That made me add it to my list.
Sequoia: Great. What is it?
Kim: The reason I wasn't super pleased at this is it's Harry/Snape.
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: Which is vile.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: It's terrible on many levels.
Kim: Whoo. They wake up in bed together and they're like, "How did we get here?"
Sequoia: [whispering] Gross.
Kim: "Guess we'll fuck."
Sequoia: Argh.
Kim: But it has this line, where Snape's looking at Harry, and he thinks to himself that, ah, Harry's chest and shoulders had filled out nicely. And then there's a parentheses that says, "thanks to Quidditch practice and probably fighting the Dark Lord several times." [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah prob... Maybe...
Kim: Maybe... [mumbling and laughing] Maybe the... Fighting the Dark Lord... Really... really, it's good workout...
Sequoia: Muscles!
Kim: So I guess we're adding that to the list of types of muscles.
Sequoia: Yeah, there's Quidditch muscles, there's—
Kim: And then there's fighting the Dark Lord...
Sequoia: …Voldemort....
Both: …muscles. [laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, that's good, I like that. [Kim laughs] Whoo!
Kim: Wow, two things that are definitely not a workout!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, excellent. Thanks for that.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah.
Sequoia: Thanks for that quick fic.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I have a recommendation.
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: Welcome to the...
Both: …Rec Zone! Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: Still good. Still got it.
Kim: We have been getting a lot of tweets recently about people reading our recs and it means so much to me.
Sequoia: I know, that's so exciting.
Kim: That you guys are not only reading them, but enjoying them. Because I love fanfiction and I'm glad you do too.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: You got something good for us today, now that I've said that?
Sequoia: I do. I actually have a recommendation that is a New Year's rec.
Kim: Mm, mhmm. Sure.
Sequoia: It's called Crazy Superstitious. And it's Ron/Hermione.
Kim: Awww.
Sequoia: My OTP.
Kim: ["Valley Girl" vocal fry] So cute.
Sequoia: ["Valley Girl" vocal fry] I love it. [normally] So, yeah. It's a New Year's, fluffy...
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: …drabbly... Fluffiness.
Kim: Nice. Good. Is it them, like, "Oh, who am I gonna kiss at midnight, huh huh huh?"
Sequoia: Duh! [laughs]
Kim: Niceee.
Sequoia: Cool, the link for that will be in the description of the episode as well as on our website.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: On our recommendations page. And actually, I do have a side note about this recommendation.
Kim: What.
Sequoia: I also recommended this fanfiction on a podcast that I'm going to be on.
Kim: Going to have been on?
Sequoia: Going to... No. When this come out, when this episode comes out, it will not be out yet.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So on Valentine's Day...
Kim: [whispering] V-Day.
Sequoia: On Valentine's Day, I will be on Accio Politics.
Kim: Oh, cool!
Sequoia: Yes. And I recommended this fanfiction on that podcast as well.
Kim: [angrily] You're recommending fanfictions on another podcasts?
Sequoia: Oh my god. [Kim laughs] Keep it together!
Kim: I feel like this is like a betrayal of our...
Sequoia: Okay. You know what?
Kim ...sacred relationship that I thought...
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim [through clenched teeth] ...we had going.
Sequoia: I'm the one... [bursts out laughing]
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: You're allowed to go on other podcasts and recommend things on those. Are you gonna do that?
Kim: I would never do that, I don't wanna betray our... relationship. Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughs] God, you are making me sick.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: So you can find that recommendation on the recommendations page of our website. Also on our website, we've got a full list of our episodes.
Kim: Yep. Our story submission form, which is just poppin'.
Sequoia: It is po-ppin'!
Kim: Thank you for that.
Sequoia: I'm just—
Kim: Not you! I'm thanking the listeners, for sending us some good shit!
Sequoia: Oh. [laughs] Yeah, we've gotten so many submissions. I am drowning! But I will get to them.
Kim: We've been... Did you notice, did you notice? There's a very infamous fanfic, that in case you've never heard of it, I guess I'll say it now, it's a Giant Squid/Hogwarts Castle.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We have been sent that twice recently, and on our story submission form, you can direct it at one of us if you think one of us needs to see it. And the listeners that submitted that, one of them submitted it for Sequoia, and one of them submitted it for me... [Sequoia laughs] And that just, like, made my day.
Sequoia: That's so great, that's amazing.
Kim: A, and B, we are aware of that story. I am holding it in my back pocket to... traumatize Sequoia sometime in the future.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I have not read it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: Sometime in the future, I will be traumatizing Sequoia with that.
Sequoia: Yes. You can count on me being traumatized.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, our story submission form, if you wanna send us everything that you love, please do.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That is on our website. Also on our website, you can find our merch!
Kim: Yeah, we've got some cool stickers and... other stuff.
Sequoia: Stuff.
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: More to come, also, soon.
Kim: We're working on some stuff... Yeah, some people have sent us some things that they wish we had and we're working on that.
Sequoia: Yeah, send us your merch ideas, I love that, that's been really awesome!
Kim: If there's a sticker you wish we had, if there's, uh, something else... We're working on a bookmark, I think?
Sequoia: Working on a bookmark, our Ambivalent Pearl posters will be out soon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So. Yeah.
Kim: So excited for those, they are...
Sequoia: They're amazing.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: So you can find all our merch on our website.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: We are also on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook at Fanatical Fics, do at us.
Kim: Yes. [laughs]
Sequoia: You can also support the podcast [starts to laugh] by—
Kim: No. You can also reach us at our email address, fanaticalfics@gmail.com if you have any longer thoughts or whatever to send us.
Sequoia: Yep. We've been loving the email.
Kim: If you wanna send us... a PDF of your fanfiction?
Sequoia: Do it.
Kim: Do that.
Sequoia: We want it. You can support the podcast by leaving a review on iTunes or Facebook, and we will shout you out at the beginning of the episode like we did today.
Kim: Had a lot today.
Sequoia: A lot today! And we, I want as many next time!
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And then—
Kim: That segment is gonna turn into like an hour long segment and people are gonna be like, "Fuck this shit." [Sequoia laughs] No, it's not. It's never gonna happen.
Sequoia: No, that's fine. We'll make it... fine. Also, you can support us on Patreon. That link is on our website as well. We do some bonus audio content, bonus written content, stickers, magnets, bookmarks, whatever. Good stuff.
Kim: You can also support this podcast by telling every bird you know...
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: …to tell other people.
Sequoia: Thanks to the Whomping Willows for our theme song, it is their amazing song, Wolfstar. [whispering] Oh, my God. She did it! [Kim laughs] She did it!
Kim: Tell the birds.
Sequoia: [whispering] Tell the birds. They're not real birds. [Kim laughs] [still whispering] Bye.
Kim: [shouting] Bye!
Both: [laugh]