Episode 43: Ginny's Room
In this episode Ginny is both an ARTIST and a meticulous documenter of Harry’s life. It’s fine. She’s okay. So is Harry. No one is catatonic.
Recommendation: Folly
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1712551/1/Folly
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Transcriber: Catherine
Checker: Skylar
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: So, when we found out that we couldn't see our iTunes reviews from non United States places, right?
Kim: Right. That was a good thing to find out.
Sequoia: Yeah, it was good thing to find out. But we had to get this specific, like, website thing to tell us our reviews from other countries.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And it also gives us some other information.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: Like where we place on charts around the world.
Kim: Oh, okay, for like analytics and stuff?
Sequoia: Exactly. Which is fun to look at. So, you know, I like scrolling through that. Did you know that we are the number forty one Lifestyle and Health podcast in Poland?
Kim: Did you say Lifestyle and Health?
Sequoia: [over enunciating] Lifestyle and Health!
Kim: Noooo.
Sequoia: This podcast IS a lifestyle. And it's healthy! [laughs]
Kim: Absolutely not. Good lord, Sequoia! If anyone out there is listening to this podcast for lifestyle or health tips, God help you. [Sequoia continues laughing] Because we are not the ones to do that!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: [singing] Yes! Glitter! [both burst out laughing]
Kim: No, that's a lifestyle and health magazine. [both continue laughing heartily]
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Great. Um…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Did you have some bullshit today? You got some bullshit to say?
Kim: I mean, I always have some bullshit. We have no more studio updates. The studio is fine. We're good.
Sequoia: We're good.
Kim: We're recording. We're both fine. My ankle’s getting better. I have eaten cookies for the last five meals. Everything's great. Let’s move on!
Sequoia: [laughs] Health. Lifestyle and health. [both chuckle] Do you need health tips from this podcast?
Kim: You know what? Here’s the tip: don't live like me! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Amazing. And that's been your health tip for the day from Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them.
Kim: No! That can’t be… that absolutely cannot be a segment. No.
Sequoia: We're not doing health tips?!
Kim: Urgh!
Sequoia: So if we don't do health tips on this podcast, I guess we read Harry Potter fanfiction. But first…
Kim: We read your reviews.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Back to you, on the air.
Sequoia: Back to you. Because you didn’t… ‘cause you needed that. ‘Cause you wanted that?
Kim: Let's do it!
Sequoia: [laughs] Shout out to Agenevievel, who says we made their friend have an asthma attack while driving. And we are so sorry. [Kim laughs] We never intended the podcast to be dangerous for anyone but the characters themselves.
Kim: Oh, man! Shout out to Callahan_Sage, who says they're crying laughing in the shower. [pause] I just cry in the shower.
Sequoia: I just… yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, that was a bad thing for both of us to have to say about it. Forget we did that. Shout out to Kokolollo, who is the awesome human who drew us Brian the Obvious Murderer.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: And you guys should go look at that on Instagram, ‘cause it's super well done.
Kim: Nice. Shout out to Ebony Danielle, who says they love the bits and the singing. So [bad warbled singing] thaaaaank you.
Sequoia: [disgusted] Oh, God.
Kim: I made that for you.
Sequoia: [laughs] God damn it! Shout out to Lucifer_Hyde, who listened non-stop for a week and thinks we are [shouting] CAPSLOCK HILARIOUS!
Kim: Shout out to ShinyPackage, who says that all of our bits are funny, [Sequoia laughs] especially the bit where we ask if the bits are funny. So, blame this person for the fact that we are continuing to do that.
Sequoia: Shout out to Janeway27, who thinks we have a knack for choosing gems of early fanfic, which is the only compliment I ever needed to continue this podcast forever.
Kim: Shout out to [pronounces uncertainly] Ole-Kjetil... wow. I am so sorry about that.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: I really do genuinely love how many listeners we've got currently in Norway and Finland. But you have to do that next time.
Sequoia: I get to do the name next time?
Kim: Yeah, no, I can't. No, I'm so sorry.
Sequoia: Okay. Yep, we are sorry. We apologize. Thank you for your review. Shout out to Aaron141414. Our podcast is the first one they've reviewed, which is so cool. And they credit that to our ability to get listeners involved, [speaking faster and faster] which means I get to keep yelling tweet at us every five seconds tweet at us!
Kim: Don’t do that. Shout out to Melody Nerd Army. I'm glad to hear that you like our terrible jokes and our podcast canon. You know, it's a real shame that we haven't kept track of that in any way. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [pointedly] Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughs] I keep saying I'm gonna do it, but no one should ever trust me. [both laugh]
Kim: Thank you all so much for those great reviews. It really does mean a lot to us to get those continuing to roll in, especially from all over the world.
Sequoia: Yeah. And we will continue to try to pronounce your names to the best of our ability.
Kim: And fail miserably.
Sequoia: [singing] And faaaail at singing! [normal voice] Great. We do have a couple more shout outs to do today, actually. We got an email from someone in Germany who said that their English teacher told them to listen to podcasts in English.
Kim: Not to… not to our podcast specifically, right?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay. Because that is a terrible idea!
Sequoia: We are trying. So I hope that this is helping them with English.
Kim: With how little editing we do to those fanfics. They are so…
Sequoia: The grammar? I would…
Kim: Do not. [Sequoia laughs] This is not a lifestyle, health, or educational podcast. [Sequoia laughs harder]
Sequoia: But we love you. Thank you. We did get called out by a couple of the [rising pitch] call outs that we did last time.
Kim: Great. Yeah, yeah. I am personally apologizing to I Know Who You Are, exclamation point right now. We… we… don't.
Sequoia: We cannot be trusted to recall anything we've ever said in any episode. So, we…
Kim: And we forgot that we had asked for reviews that just said…
Both: “This is a podcast.”
Sequoia: We asked for that. And then we were like, [mumbling, mock angry voice] meh, why would somebody do this, nuh… the FBI, they’re gonna kill us. And then this person's like, hi, you asked for that to happen to you.
Kim: So, thanks!
Sequoia: So, thank you. Also, a shout out to the person, Iris, who said that this… this podcast had ruined their life. We did get clarification: the life-ruining comes in the form of Dramione…
Kim: [trying not to laugh] Pfft.
Sequoia: …and the love... the love to be had for Dramione. So I just like to say to all of you…
Kim: Yeah, I do apologize.
Sequoia: I don't apologize. [both laugh heartily]
Kim: Dron is clearly the superior ship.
Sequoia: URGH!
Kim: Let's start a ship war!
Sequoia: Oh, God, not again! [Kim chuckles] Excellent.
Kim: Oh man.
Sequoia: Well, that's... that's good.
Kim: That's good. Thanks everybody.
Sequoia: Thanks, guys.
Kim: Ready for some more shhhhhsss... stuff?
Sequoia: Shwool?
Kim: Stuff!
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m ready for it. Shwool? I'm ready for it.
Kim: What’s that…? Don’t know.
Sequoia: I don't know. I just didn't know what I was saying. And then I just started… and they’re mouth sounds. It's time!
Kim: Here we go. This is the part of the podcast where we do predictions.
Sequoia: Remember to tweet your predictions at us. #FanFicDivination.
Kim: We’ve got so many of those rolling in and they are all much better at us at our own game. [Sequoia laughs] Is it funny that we say that every time? Because I am not going to stop.
Sequoia: Oh, man. [laughs] All. Our. Bits Are Funny. [both laugh]
Kim: All right, so get your prediction guns ready.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: For a po… Or no, for a fanfic.
Sequoia: [laughs] We podcast regularly.
Kim: We podcasted last week. This is… there's so much less time between that episode and...
Both: ...this episode.
Kim: You’d think this would be going better? Here we go. [Sequoia laughs] This story is called Ginny’s Room.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The genre is humor, and this story came out real close to the drop of Goblet of Fire, right after that. So…
Sequoia: So, right after?
Kim: … it came out kind of in… in, like, late 2000.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It came out in three installments between late 2000 and early 2001.
Sequoia: Ooh, yeah. Okay, great. Ginny’s Room.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. I am predicting there is going to be a shrine to Harry Potter.
Kim: Great. Do that.
Sequoia: I am predicting that it takes place… well, okay, I'm… I'm gonna predict that the people in Ginny’s room, none of them are Ginny.
Kim: Ginny's not in her room at any place in this story?
Sequoia: Ginny is not in her room.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: No. Other people are infiltrating her room.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And three: I'm going to guess that there is no magic in this story.
Kim: I am losing my fondness of that prediction.
Sequoia: Should we… should we outlaw it? I mean, we could.
Kim: You can make it today.
Sequoia: And then maybe we'll discuss it and see.
Kim: Yeah, because there's no magic in any story ever.
Sequoia: [laughs] Can I guess that instead of duelling, that two people fist fight each other? It's more specific.
Kim: It is more specific. That one, we actually might have to talk about at the end.
Sequoia: Oh my God, I'm making that one! We're gonna talk about it at the end.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: So this story was released in three segments, like really short chapters.
Sequoia: Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: But only the first chapter has a title.
Sequoia: Great. And it's not the title of the story, it's like a separate title?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, great, excellent. I'm into it.
[Advertisement begins]
Kim: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a promotion from one of our fellow wizarding wireless collective podcasts.
Gabby: [singing] Harry Potter likes just about everyone, except he really hates Malfoy. Harry Potter asked Cho Chang to the ball, Cho Chang said that she'd rather die. Here we...
Casey: That’s so bad.
Gabby: [laughs] You can't!
Casey: I can’t.
Gabby: Or we’ll go to prison!
Casey: Hello, we are Nargles and Other Nonsense, a Harry Potter podcast full of spells, jinxes and curses – the adult kind. We are the hags of Hogsmeade, and I am Casey.
Gabby: I'm Gabby. I've got ninety nine problem and they're all warts, Paige.
Paige: Have you ever wondered if Harry Potter could have been a Ravenclaw?
Gabby: If Ron is a time traveling Dumbledore?
Paige: Or if three friends can stay on topic?
Casey: Then find us wherever you listen to podcasts and enjoy many quizzes, rants, cry sessions, and complete nonsense.
Paige: Here's our endorsement from Peeves [makes raspberry noise]
Gabby: [singing, increasing in pitch each time] Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter!
Sequoia: And now, back to the show.
[Advertisement ends]
Kim: Chapter one. Discover the Wonder.
Sequoia: Oh, God.
Kim: Here we go! Ginny's Room!
Sequoia: Oh, God.
Kim: In awed splendor, Ginny stepped back from her newly decorated wall.
Sequoia: Oh. Well, that's already one gone for me. [laughs]
Kim: It was a masterpiece. Since her first glance at the train station, she had known… [Sequoia gasps] I fucking hate you, dude.
Sequoia: [squealing] I DID IT! I DID IT! [laughs]
Kim: Literally… yeah, no. I was worried, remember? I was like, I think the title gives away… [Sequoia laughs and then gives a celebratory grunt] It’s fine. You’re seriously pulling ahead of me.
Sequoia: You guys, I’m fucking killing it, y'all.
Kim: Yes, Harry would be the only one for her.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes.
Kim: She flattened a small corner, perfecting the mosaic. On her wall, in living color, pictures of Harry…
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ...his dorm…
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: ...his stuff...
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: ...and anything that remotely had to do with him, created a ten foot mosaic of his profile on her wall.
Sequoia: That is fucking artistry right there. A).
Kim: Yeah, she's very talented. And?
Sequoia: I’d like to imagine she has, like, a used tissue up there…
Kim: Dude, you don't even know!
Sequoia: Oh, we're gonna…?
Kim: We’re getting a full description of Ginny's shrine, and you're not ready.
Sequoia: Oh man. I’m not ready. Okay, great. [both chuckle]
Kim: Oh my God. Under it, in handmade display cases…
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: …were some odd trinkets of his, like a toothbrush…
Sequoia: No. Yes.
Kim: ...a piece of thread from his robes…
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: ...sulfur from his cauldron….
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: ...tape from his glasses…
Sequoia: This is just trash. Continue.
Kim: ...a twig from his Firebolt, and several pieces of parchment. He had done some schoolwork on them and Professor Flitwick had let her keep them.
Sequoia: Professor Flitwick! [both laugh]
Kim: Now, I assume that by “Professor Flitwick let her keep them,” what she actually means is, she dug through his trash and he didn't stop her.
Sequoia: Yeah, I would also assume that, because it's not like they're in the same class. She, like, went into the classroom after Harry's class was done.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia: And she was like, um, excuse me, Professor Flitwick…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …did Harry use this one? No? How about this one? No? How about this one? And she went through the whole trash like that.
Kim: Yes. Fine, whatever. [Sequoia laughs] She's just, like, following him and picking up anything he drops.
Sequoia: I like kind of get the, like, Firebolt. Like, a twig from his Firebolt. Blah, blah, blah.
Kim: That one’s okay.
Sequoia: But, like…
Kim: No, you don't even know. Here's some more stuff that she's got. Ready? Next to it…
Sequoia: Okay, so there's mosaic.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: There's a bunch of stuff in cases.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then, next to that...?
Kim: Her bed was covered in pillows…
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: ...made from material…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...from old clothes and such.
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: There was a velvety red one that she liked the best. Oliver Wood had let her have one of Harry's old Quidditch robes…
Sequoia: Nobody is LETTING her do these things! [laughs]
Kim: No, she's stealing this stuff. A hundred percent! ...since they had been getting new ones for the fourth year. Nope.
Sequoia: Unless she made up, like, an excuse as to why she needed it that was not that she was gonna make a pillow out of it that she hugged tightly every day.
Kim: Do you wanna know what other pillows she's got on her bed, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yeah, I do. I do.
Kim: Next to that, some blue tie-dyed boxers that she has stuffed and sewn up to make a pillow.
Sequoia: Wow. No.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: No, you can't do that.
Kim: She did that. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can’t!
Kim: Is this shrine all that you’d hoped for when you made the prediction?
Sequoia: It is more than I ever could have hoped for when I made the prediction, and I…
Kim: Nice. There is more. There is more.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. Okay.
Kim: On a stand were several of Hedwig’s feathers…
Sequoia: [laughing] Do you think they fell off Hedwig first? Or did she…?
Kim: Doesn't matter! … that Ginny had collected to create a replica. It was quite good.
Sequoia: [laughs harder] She is an ARTISTE.
Kim: She’s got a huge mosaic of Harry's face. She's recreated…
Both: Hedwig!
Kim: Out of trash.
Sequoia: I'd like to think that, like, she took some feathers, and then she's like, God, this is just, like, not enough to recreate Hedwig. And then she snuck into Harry and Ron’s room and just plucked feathers directly from Hedwig. [both chuckle]
Kim: Yeah, because you got to be careful when you're collecting feathers from, like, the owlery. You don't want to get Pigwigeon’s feathers mixed in there...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …because who the fuck even cares?
Sequoia: It would take way less feathers to recreate Pigwigeon, I think, though!
Kim: That’s true! [both laugh] Ginny sat back on her bed and looked around her room, hugging the scarlet pillow. “Oh, if he just knew how much I like him.”
Sequoia: Is he gonna come into her room?
Kim: [muttering] I don’t know. I don’t know, is he? [normal voice] “He'd be so surprised. I wonder what he’d do.”
Sequoia: If he came into her room?!
Kim: She amused herself for a while, pondering this. I don’t think that's an amusing thought, Ginny. Ginny?!
Sequoia: No! I think I would be like… there would be several locking mechanisms [Kim laughs] and spells on my door.
Kim: “No, best he doesn't know,” she thought.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Mrs. Weasley called from downstairs, [sing-song voice] “Ginny, boys, breakfast.” [Sequoia laughs] That’s what moms sound like! Don't laugh at me.
Sequoia: Yes, every mom sounds like that. Good. Excellent.
Kim: [sing-song mom voice] “Harry, don't forget we need to shop for you too. We will be leaving for Diagon Alley shortly. Don't forget your lists!” [normal voice] Harry's in the house, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Oh, he's… oh, I'm ready for him to see this. I'm ready.
Kim: Putting the pillow back in place, she headed down the stairs, forgetting to lock the door.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: This, moments later, was discovered by the group of boys coming down the stairs.
Sequoia: The group of boys!
Kim: Group of boys.
Sequoia: They’re going in together.
Kim: Oh, yeah. “Oi, Fred. Look at this!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, no.
Kim: George gestured to the slightly open door to Ginny's room. “She's always got it locked.” He twisted the knob and the door swung open.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Wait…
Sequoia: No, it was already open.
Kim: He twisted the knob. What?
Sequoia: No. Okay, so the… that's fine.
Kim: He just sensed that it was unlocked somehow.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Doesn't matter how, don’t worry about it. He just knows.
Sequoia: Whatever, it’s fine.
Kim: In frozen terror, every boy was rooted to the spot. [Sequoia laughs heartily] Ron slapped his hand over Harry's eyes.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Oh no. Yeah, that's a… that's a good bro move. [both laugh] You don't want to see this.
Kim: No one wants to see this. Fred and George broke into horrified identical screams. And then there's a really long ahhh! noise, that I'm not going to do, for all of our ears.
Sequoia: Okay, great. That's fine.
Kim: Harry took Ron's hand away and stared. It was a shrine. No, a temple. No, a civilization of organised Harry worship. Staggering forward, they entered. Their footsteps padded dimly on the red carpet. For in front of them lay a fortress of nothing but Harry. [Sequoia laughs] And garbage. There's a lot of garbage in there.
Sequoia: There’s a lot of trash! So much trash.
Kim: There's no way for them to know the garbage is Harry related.
Sequoia: It’s labelled!
Kim: Do you think… there is definitely plaques. There’s plaques.
Sequoia: It is labelled.
Kim: Okay, sorry. Yeah. Like dated, labelled, museum quality. Fine.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, Exactly.
Kim: Fred and George looked as though the walls were made of gold.
Sequoia: [laughs] They're stoked as fuck.
Kim: They were scared but they changed their minds. “We never… In our wildest dreams…” the twins started, but paused. You know, I like that it says the twins, because they… that… you know how fanfic has a tendency to have them speak in perfect unison all the time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Creepy. [Sequoia laughs] This site was not capable of description. It was beautiful yet terrifying, all at the same time.
Sequoia: Artistry. She is an ARTISTE!
Kim: Of terror! [Sequoia laughs] Harry had no idea what to say at all. His mind had gone amazingly blank.
Sequoia: I think I'd be, like, staring and staring, and then be like, are those my boxers?
Kim: He stopped at the fake Hedwig and touched the white feathers, only then realizing that she hadn't stolen his bird.
Sequoia: She's. An. Artist!
Kim: Good God.
Sequoia: I… I am impressed.
Kim: I mean, seeing this mountain of stuff, it's not… you wouldn't be that surprised if she had actually just stolen Hedwig, right?
Sequoia: [chuckles] No, I would be.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Because it's all about the craft. It's all about… [both chuckle]
Kim: You... you really admire her craftiness?
Sequoia: Assembling of the pieces. Yes, I do.
Kim: Oh. It’d looked so real. [muttering] The Hedwig replica.
Sequoia: [also muttering] Oh yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Ron looked dizzy. He staggered backwards and he landed on a bed. The only bed, there's not more than one bed. I don't know why it says “a bed.” Sorry.
Sequoia: He's about to discover Harry's boxers pillow!
Kim: Yeah, I’m stalling because... Normal at first sight, and then, “UURGH YOUR BOXERS!” [Sequoia laughs] and then he makes a noise that… ma-guf-bu-li. Oh, it’s “Mm-I-can’t-believe-it!”
Sequoia: Oh! Okay, yeah, yeah!
Kim: Figured it out.
Sequoia: He's just in such shock that, like, his lips are numb. He can’t form words.
Kim: [incoherent mumbled noise] Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: He couldn’t…
Sequoia: He's like, [whiny mumble] this looks just like MY Harry shrine! [both laugh]
Kim: Correct. He couldn't seem to get the words right. Harry, still gazing around him, approached Ron, and his eyes fell to the oddly shaped tie-dyed pillow in his hands. Harry suddenly realized what it was. [Sequoia chuckles] “Hey, I liked those,” he said thickly.
Sequoia: [laughs] I… I sympathize. I see where Harry's coming from.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Unable to process what's happening…
Kim: Who could?! Who could walk into a room filled with this and be like, yes, this is fine? This checks out?
Sequoia: Yeah, I’d be like, I need to make a quick…
Kim: I need to make a quick…
Sequoia: …exit…
Kim: …from this country.
Sequoia: From forever. [both laugh]
Kim: All the boys heard footsteps on the stairs. [Sequoia gasps] It was Ginny.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: She had heard the screams.
Sequoia: Ginny! You gotta check your fucking door, my dude!
Kim: Ginny! Seeing the open door, she ran into the room, dreading what she might find. And there it was. Ron with the boxers pillow in his hands, Harry looking rather green, Fred and George looking as if Snape had fallen off a tall building.
Sequoia: [laughs] Damn.
Kim: They're really stoked.
Sequoia: I like it.
Kim: And all of them now looking at her, the twins with evil grins.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, she's never hearing the end of this.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Ever.
Kim: Ever, ever, ever, never. She started to back away but didn't get past the door. Fred and George pulled her back and set her on a chair labeled, “Potter specimen: dorm chair, third year.”
Sequoia: It's just like a museum! [laughs]
Kim: Fucking weird. How did she get the chair? Never mind. She used magic.
Sequoia: Magic!
Kim: She struggled to get up, but the twins pinned her shoulders against the back. “Talk. Explain. Info. Now.”
Sequoia: [laughs] I really don't know that there's much explaining to be done. It just, like…
Kim: Yeah, right? This is all pretty obvious what's going on.
Sequoia: There we go. You’ve done this thing.
Kim: Did you see the label?
Sequoia: Did you see the label?
Kim: The giant wall hanging?
Sequoia: The mosaic?
Kim: Weird! Ginny looked from Fred to George, then to Ron, and finally to Harry.
Sequoia: Don't look at Harry! [both laugh]
Kim: He looked at her, and her face went from shock white to beet red. She looked away. “Explain what?”...
Sequoia: [warbling voice] Oh God!
Kim: …she asked innocently, trying not to look at the large collection of rocks Harry had stepped on, [Sequoia bursts out laughing] piled on the other side of the room. [both laugh]
Kim: Is that good? That a good object?
Sequoia: [still laughing] Oh God, it’s just a bunch of trash!
Kim: [laughing] Rocks! [Sequoia says something inaudible through laughter] Weird!
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: A tiny, squeaky voice, hardly audible, made it through the silence. “I’m going to get some air. Uhhmm. Yeah. Okay.” Harry left. [both laugh giddily]
Sequoia: Man, I feel like I would have, like, seen it and been like, no, I'm leaving now. I don't want to know what's in here.
Kim: His… his brain had to, like, kind of spin back again.
Sequoia: Catch up? Mhm.
Kim: Figure out what was going on. I don't think he still… he still hasn't quite sunk in. He’s not well.
Sequoia: Man. It’s meticulous labeling that gets ya in the end, really.
Kim: Yeah. Really scary.
Sequoia: Kind of like how serial killers keep, like, a… [starts laughing]
Kim: Shrine?
Sequoia: Like a momento.
Kim: Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. That's what gets you.
Kim: She is going to kill him.
Sequoia: In the end. Mhm.
Kim: The twins’ eyes drilled into Ginny. She squirmed and started quite suddenly. “Well, you know me! Once I start something, I just have to keep going! [Sequoia laughs] Make it better than the day before. And, you know, he's just such a wonderful person. Why wouldn't I be this… attached?” [Sequoia keeps laughing] You know Ginny?!
Sequoia: Man, this is a far cry from the Amazon queen we had in the last episode!
Kim: [laughs] This Ginny is NOT doing a business.
Sequoia: No, she's just doing a bad.
Kim: She's… she's doing a great job of something.
Sequoia: Exactly. She has completed something to perfection really.
Kim: But that something is… not so great.
Sequoia: Scary. [both chuckle]
Kim: George added, “More like obsessed.” Ron piped up from the bed, “Consumed.” Fred looked her in the eye, “Completely hilarious.”
Sequoia: [laughs heartily] He's right! He's right!
Kim: This is… I think in real life, this would be like the most terrifying thing to ever happen to anyone.
Sequoia: Yeah, I would be like, I never… that person can't be around. There would be a restraining order. [Kim chuckles] And the stalking…
Kim: She loves him!
Sequoia: She needs to go see someone.
Kim: Who wouldn't love him this much?
Sequoia: Wizard therapy!
Kim: Fred and George's laughter echoed down the stairs to where Harry was twiddling his thumbs while talking to Mrs. Weasley.
Sequoia: He’s being way chill.
Kim: [mumbling] How ‘bout that breakfast? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, God.
Kim: Ron seems startled and bolted from the room, and Fred and George calmed down. They looked her severely in the face and said, “Look, Ginny, we will take care of it. Don't worry about what Harry will do. Don't mention anything to anybody. We are trained professionals.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. [laughs]
Kim: “Well, actually we aren't, but we've got an idea.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: Gonna go from bad to worse. Ginny nodded desperately and they started to form a plan. Harry's sanity was at risk.
Sequoia: That's a hundred percent true.
Kim: [singing] Somebody needs to…
Both: [singing] …help that boy! [both laugh]
Sequoia: On the soundboard. Put it on the soundboard. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah? Fred and George were looking at her with sardonic grins. She was scared because… well, because… well, you know the way they are! You, the reader.
Sequoia: Yeah, I do know the way they are.
Kim: She had no choice though. She looked up; Harry was in the doorway. [Sequoia gasps] The twins turn to look at him. He's like…
Sequoia: [horrified whisper] Oh my God!
Kim: Harry didn't let his eyes wander to the tower made from melted glasses he had drank out of. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: What d’ya think the tower’s in the shape of? And why is that… why is that Harry?
Sequoia: I wish that it was a statue of him.
Kim: Yeah. I assume…
Sequoia: And not just a tower.
Kim: It's got to be a tower. No, it's shaped like… it's a statue shaped like Harry. Let’s be real.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Listen.
Kim: He just looked at Ginny with a weird, spacey, out-of-it glint in his eyes. He smiled, but it wasn't reassuring.
Sequoia: Nooo. [chuckles]
Kim: No, it was more like an empty glaze, childish and oblivious. He pointed a finger to the wall he was facing. “Hey, you got my toothbrush.” [both laugh] Somebody help this boy.
Sequoia: [through laughter] HELP THIS BOY! You got my toothbrush…
Kim: He grinned again and collapsed on the floor. [Sequoia laughs] He was knocked out cold.
Sequoia: Oh God, Ginny, what did you do?
Kim: He’s been driven insane. So insane that he's passed out. Fred and George dragged him to the bed, put him on it and hastily said to Ginny, “Gotta go”, before running out of the room. They've got a plan, Sequoia.
Sequoia: What's the plan?!
Kim: It's, uh, coming together. Here… here it comes.
Sequoia: Is it? Oh, okay.
Kim: Oh, you don’t know. You’re not ready for the plan.
Sequoia: No, I… uhhh… Mm mmm.
Kim: Time passes. Various whatnot is used to get Harry to wake up, but nothing works. They called Hermione over, who performs some extravagant spells. And finally, Harry dully opened his eyes. Okay, here we go.
Sequoia: It was all a dream.
Kim: Everyone inhaled sharply, but he didn't talk. Only turned his head to a pillow tied with some shoelaces he recognized. So he's pretty much acting like a slug when it's not crawling around.
Sequoia: [whispering] What is…? What is…?
Kim: Harry is. Harry's a slug.
Sequoia: They should have just gotten rid of everything, and then he woke up and they were all like, you…
Kim: It was a dream!
Sequoia: What just happened? That’s so crazy.
Kim: They've got an even better plan, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh God. That's the good plan! They've got a bad plan.
Kim: No. It was all just a dream is the weakest story thing. No one would ever use that.
Sequoia: Harry woke up under the… in the cupboard under the stairs. [Kim laughs] It was all just a dream.
Kim: The twins call from the doorway, “Harry, someone's here to see you!”
Sequoia: What. Is. Happening?!
Kim: They’ve called in someone to snap Harry out of it. [pause] And you're not fucking ready.
Sequoia: Ummmm…
Kim: A pale blond boy walked through the doorway.
Sequoia: Yes! Yes! Yes! I wasn't ready!
Kim: This was the point where I was like, oh, wait, no, this is the story I'm reading on the podcast today. [Sequoia laughs] A pale blond boy walked through the doorway and exclaimed with a mocking voice, [exaggerated, mocking tone, used for Draco throughout] “Potter! You fainted?”
Sequoia: [laughs] What is this plan?!
Kim: He went into a re-enactment of Harry stepping into the room, looking around terrified, and collapsing into a swooning fit. “Honestly, Potter, it's just a bedroom.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: I'd like a flashback, at this point, of Draco…
Kim: To the twins calling in Draco?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, how did that conversation go down, really? Like, [deep bro voice] hey, Harry fainted. You wanna come make fun of him?
Kim: Wait, yes, that's it, and all it was.
Sequoia: No, I want to flashback to Draco walking into Pansy Parkinson's room. Looks exactly like this but it's all Draco, and he's just like, hmmm. Yes. Hmmm.
Kim: This check out.
Sequoia: This checks out, Parkinson.
Kim: But he’s the one who would say that.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: He sneered as he looked around the shabby walls, but did look a little impressed with the red headed stalker.
Sequoia: She’s an ARTISTE!
Kim: “Even with my distaste for this family, I had to come talk to you in person. And Potter… Ha! Our school celebrity. Not so high on your throne now.” Yeah, he just came to make fun of him.
Sequoia: He just came… what is this plan?! This is... this plan is nothing! [laughs]
Kim: This is a great plan.
Sequoia: It’s a t… wha…
Kim: It's a great plan. He does yet another fake faint while sighing wistfully. “Yes, well, it’s all right if you're a bit thin blooded, with your mother being a Muggle and all.” This is the plan, see? It's coming together. It’s coming together!
Sequoia: The plan is not coming together. I don’t see where this is going.
Kim: Harry cocked his head up an inch and opened an eye. Malfoy didn't notice and continued, “Of course, Granger here is even worse. A full mudblood.”
Sequoia: They brought him there…?
Kim: For what's coming up next.
Sequoia: ‘Cause Harry’s gonna fight him?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Fucking awesome.
Kim: Hermione shifted uncomfortably, but all eyes except Draco's were watching Harry. “Well, Potter, I must say I do feel a bit out of place here.” He eyed some “I love Harry” posters on the wall.
Sequoia: She designed those herself. She's an artiste.
Kim: Yes, correct. “But goodness knows I didn't faint.” He does another impression of Harry collapsing…
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: … not noticing how old the whole joke is getting.
Sequoia: Get a new joke!
Kim: Draco Malfoy is bad at coming up with jokes.
Sequoia: Your mom was… is a mudblood!
Kim: And so is Granger. You suck!
Sequoia: And so is Granger. You fainted!
Kim: He then spotted Ginny. “You know, Potter, she does have red hair. Didn't your mother? Awful color.”
Sequoia: Jesus.
Kim: “Like it, do you? Yeah, that's right. Like father, like son. No wonder you're so stupid.”
Sequoia: [incoherent through laughter] What that does…
Kim: [also laughing] I don’t know, dude.
Sequoia: What does that mean? Draco!
Kim: He’s just spitting insults! He's got… his, like, brain’s in overdrive.
Sequoia: [laughs] He's got way too much to work with.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And he's so, like… it's like when you go to Netflix and you just watch the same thing over and over again. [both laugh] He’s so overloaded, he's just like, what if I pretend to faint again?
Kim: Here I go!
Sequoia: Here I go!
Kim: Your dad's dead. [both chuckle]
Kim: Harry grips the tie-dyed pillow in his fists. “Say, maybe you’ll marry Ginny.” That's nothing, Draco.
Sequoia: That’s nothing. That's nada. That's nothing.
Kim: With that, Harry stuffed the pillow in Draco's mouth and charged him. [Sequoia laughs] Draco, distracted by what exactly the pillow was, [Sequoia laughs harder] paused, giving Harry enough time to grab Hermione’s wand and perform a spell. [Sequoia gasps] “Noctiwalldrigo!” Is the spell…
Sequoia: Noctiwalldrigo?
Kim: Yeah, noctiwalldrigo.
Sequoia: Damn it.
Kim: Oh. Every poster, with all the “Potter for President” and “I love Harry” slogans, plastered themselves all over Malfoy. He writhed and, upon finding that he could not get them off, ran from the house. From behind him, Harry felt someone pat his shoulder. “Knew it would work. Dumb bloke can’t ever keep his mouth shut.”
Sequoia: [yelling] What about it worked?! What was the point?
Kim: With the posters gone, Harry was feeling a bit better.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no.
Kim: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, it worked!
Sequoia: This is a bad plan!
Kim: This is the plan. This is the plan.
Sequoia: This is the worst possible plan.
Kim: This is the plan. This is a great plan. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sequoia: Why is this plan nothing? #BadPlans. [both laugh]
Kim: No, Draco. Draco, no.
Sequoia: [laughing] No, Draco. Draco, no.
Kim: As he went to go out the door, he winked towards Ginny. Harry, Harry, Harry!
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Harry's winking.
Sequoia: Why?!
Kim: He's feeling better! And she blushed. Soon, everyone had left except Hermione. “You know, Ginny, do you think I could borrow some of this?”
Sequoia: Oh my God! [laughs]
Kim: What do you think it is about it that Hermione admires the most? Does she like that it's Harrycentric, or does she like the meticulous labeling? It's the meticulous labeling.
Sequoia: Meticulous labeling. Absolutely.
Kim: Yeah, she’s like, I really like this filing system for Harry's rocks that he stepped on. I’d like to replicate this.
Sequoia: It's really a testament to the filing system when you can file individual rocks, is what I… you know, I see it.
Kim: Yes. Excellent. The end.
Sequoia: Urgh! Wow! [Kim laughs] What did it…?
Kim: Whew! There you go.
Sequoia: Um…
Kim: How do you feel?
Sequoia: That was the worst plan. That plan was nothing!
Kim: [laughs] That was a great plan.
Sequoia: It’s not like Harry was gonna faint and, like, never wake up again.
Kim: They were seriously worried about that.
Sequoia: Of him never waking up again?
Kim: That he was gonna be catatonic because he had lost his sanity. So, they needed Draco Malfoy to come in. Quick shock to the system...
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …with some SUCK. [Sequoia laughs] Not that kind of suck. [pause] This wasn't a Drarry fic. [Sequoia laughs harder]
Sequoia: I was ready for it to be.
Kim: Oh, man. I love Ginny's shrine. This person made such an amazing shrine.
Sequoia: They did. I could have never…
Kim: So good.
Sequoia: I was sort of picturing, like, you open Ginny's closet and there are, like, some pictures and…
Kim: Did you watch Hey Arnold?
Sequoia: Yes! Exactly!
Kim: Yeah, the… Helga’s shrine to Arnold?
Sequoia: Helga’s shrine to Arnold. Exactly like that.
Kim: That’s what you would, like, normally picture, like maybe a kind of a… a version…
Sequoia: But you know…
Kim: Like a bust of their head made out of, like, chewed gum.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Like, one weird object and then the rest are just like…
Sequoia: They’re just, like, pictures and stuff.
Kim: But Ginny has so many bizarre objects.
Sequoia: But here's the thing about Ginny: when she starts with something, she’s gotta do… she’s gotta do…
Kim: She's got to make the best version of it that it can be!
Sequoia: It's got to be better every day than it was the day before!
Kim: She’s got that ambition! Business ambition. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: There you go.
Sequoia: That was great!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I loved that, that was so fun.
Kim: Good. Yeah!
Kim: So the reason that I wasn’t sure about your third prediction when we started… I thought I’d remembered, for some reason, Harry and Draco rolling around on the floor fighting more, but they don’t.
Sequoia: They don’t. That was absolutely wrong.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But I still got the one.
Kim: You did get a point.
Sequoia: I got the one point.
Kim: You got a point. Good job.
Sequoia: [whispering] Whattup! [normal voice] That’s gonna put me at 12.5 points...
Kim: Don’t talk to me!
Sequoia: …to your nine points. I just wanna say... I just wanna put that out there.
Kim: I’m, like, more than one episode behind you now.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Unless you give me, like, three fics in one.
Sequoia: Let’s do it! Let’s do it! I tried before. [Kim laughs] It’s never… we’ve never been able to fit three in!
Kim: You know, with the new quick fics section, I don’t think we’ll ever have a chance to do that.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ‘Cause nowadays, if a story was short enough that I thought I could fit three, I would just…
Sequoia: Use it as a quick fics. Exactly.
Kim: Which is what I did last time. Remember that time Hermione died?
Sequoia: [sighs] Remember that time… hey, remember whe... when Hermione learned how to skateboard? You guys. I hope you all enjoyed that fic as much as I did. I’m gonna go home, build my shrine to b…
Kim: Who’re you building it for?
Sequoia: Hey! But also, wait a second.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I feel like it would be particularly difficult to make a mosaic when all the pictures move.
Kim: Are also… huh. I think she probably got a lot of objects in there.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Tissues as well?
Kim: No, it was… it was pictures of anything vaguely related to Harry. I’m guessing it’s a lot of, like…
Sequoia: Oh! Gotcha. So, it’s like a picture of the tissue makes up a [laughing] part of the mosaic.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And the tissue gets its own filed place in the… okay.
Kim: Yes, Hermione’s really… like, she’s… she’s really into how, like, the pictures are working with the filing…
Both: …system.
Kim: I think. Yeah.
Sequoia: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I see that.
Kim: Hermione’s like, this is amazing!
Sequoia: Just like a museum to Harry. Excellent. So, I got one point for the prediction that there’s a shrine to Harry in the room. Excellent!
Kim: Correct. I mean, what else was gonna be in Ginny’s room?
Sequoia: I know. That was a… I... I didn’t believe you when you said it. That I was… might get a point on this one, but y’know. Who knows!
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: So, it’s time for…
Both: ...a quick fics!
Kim: That’s, uh…
Sequoia: Listen, I never… [laughs] What’re our segments? So, this one… my quick fics for you today…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: …is titled Kill Him? I Thought You Said Kiss Him!
Kim: Oh my God, that title! [Sequoia laughs] [gasps] I wanna read ten fics all with that title.
Sequoia: [laughs harder] I’ll do it. I’ll write you an anthology.
Kim: Absolutely don’t say that! [Sequoia laughs] But I want it.
Sequoia: Oh man. This… in this fic, the Death Eaters have captured Harry, he’s imprisoned, and Draco shows up.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: And he’s like, I’ve received this communique from my father…
Both: [exaggerated, posh voices] From MY father!
Sequoia: And you… what’re you up to, Potter? This is insane! And he goes off for a while about how whatever’s in this letter is INSANE, and Harry’s like, what the fuck are you talking about? And he’s like, I’m supposed to kiss you and I don’t know how, blah blah blah blah. And then they make out. [Kim laughs heartily] And then Lucius shows up and he’s like, what the fuck are you doing?! And then Draco says, kill him? I thought you said, kiss him!
Kim: Why was this… why was this fic not something you are reading to me right now?
Sequoia: [laughs] Because that’s… I mean, explaining it's way better than reading it.
Kim: Oh, fine.
Sequoia: But, yeah.
Kim: So, it’s just a little bit not enough.
Sequoia: Yeah, there’s not enough. There was, like, questionable bits, so…
Kim: Oh, sure, sure, sure. That’s like… that premise though!
Sequoia: There you go! [laughs]
Kim: Oh, I love the Lucius walks in. Sounds so good!
Sequoia: Anyway, that’s my quick fic.
Kim: Noice
Sequoia: [whispering] Thanks.
Kim: [quickly] Quick fics!
Sequoia: [quickly] Quick fics! [normal voice] And now it’s time for…
Both: …The rec zone.
Kim: [mumbling] I don’t have anything in me right now.
Sequoia: [sad, questioning tone] Pew… pew… pew… pew… pew…?
Kim: Oh. [energetically] Buh, buh, buh, buh! [Sequoia laughs] I’m wandering already. So, today I’m gonna be reccing a story called Folly. It was written pretty soon after Order of the Phoenix, and I really like it ‘cause it’s… it’s kinda about Snape’s mistakes and shittiness that he does in that book, kind of coming back and he gets his what for, and it’s really satisfying. So it’s kind of a canon, interesting story that I wish had been able to happen.
Sequoia: Awesome, I’ll definitely read that. That sounds great.
Kim: So check that out. We don’t always have to rec romance.
Sequoia: We don’t, but… [pause]
Both: ...we do! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Look, it was either this or some sweet Ron/Harry action!
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, I’ll read this one. This one I’ll read. Great.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: If you want to read our recommendations, we have a full list of the recommendations on our [singing] website.
Kim: The website is…
Both: …fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: See? I did it, instead of just saying website.
Sequoia: [laughs] Website! [both laugh] Also on our website you can find our story submission form.
Kim: Send us them sweet stories!
Sequoia: We are…
Both: …looking at the titles.
Sequoia: [lauging] We’re not! We’re gonna read ‘em eventually, we swear. We’re trying! Oh, yes. Awesome.
Kim: Oh, man! Also, on the website is our awesome merch!
Sequoia: We’ve got some really, really great merch, you guys. I love it. I love our posters. Our stickers are really good.
Kim: Check those out.
Sequoia: Check those out.
Kim: Sequoia will send them to you.
Sequoia: I will, and I’ll write you a little note. I write a little note.
Kim: You do?
Sequoia: I do!
Kim: I’ve never gotten a little note.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ. I’ve never sent you anything! I just throw it at you. If you want to get in contact with us, we are on social media. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: We also have an email for any longer thoughts, or whatever you wanna send us.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: We love getting emails!
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: There are several ways that you can help out the podcast.
Kim: Write a review!
Sequoia: [simultaneously] Leave us a review! [both laugh]
Kim: We’ll shout you out at the top of the episode.
Sequoia: On iTunes or Facebook.
Kim: If you’re leaving reviews somewhere else, tell us.
Sequoia: Tell us? Yeah, I don’t know that there is another place, but if…
Kim: I don’t know. But if there is…
Sequoia: We’d like to know. Tell us about it. Tweet at us. [both laugh] You can also support the podcast by telling your friends.
Kim: By tricking your friends!
Sequoia: By tricking your friends!
Kim: Trick your friends 2019!
Sequoia: If you want to, you can also check out on Patreon. That link is on our website as well.
Kim: Yeah, we got some sweet bonus audio content, a couple of pieces of bonus written content. If Sequoia actually writes that anthology, it’ll be there.
Sequoia: [laughs] My anth… my anthology! Whew! Excellent.
Kim: [laughs] So, check that out.
Sequoia: And, of course, for our theme song, thank you to the Whomping Willows. It’s their amazing song Wolfstar.
Kim: And with that…
Sequoia: Bye.
Kim: BYE!